I'm Devontre. Yeah, I'm real awkward.
It means it's hard for me to make friends.
I want to meet new people. I'm on all the apps trying to
get all the matches. I recently downloaded Grinder
because I thought it was an app for *** with work ethic.
I mean it is, but it ain't. I am on dating apps.
My favorite dating app is Tinder.
Y'all like Tinder because they get on there.
Tinder is dangerous though. Like the worst part about Tinder
is that it gives you more opportunities to be robbed.
I lost 6 hoodies last year. Only had sex five times.
That's all right, though. I've been getting my revenge.
I started stealing back. Yeah.
I take ownership of whatever is left in my apartment.
Don't text me talking about hey, I think I left something on your
dresser. These are my eyelashes now.
I recently learned about this thing called a whole phase.
Any hoes out there? Hoes make some noise and shit
don't ever work. If you're unfamiliar, a whole
phase is a term our society created that judges women for
exploring their sexual freedom. It's a pretty tough term because
it only applies to women. Like if a man got up here and he
was like yeah I'm finished, start my whole phase.
We don't have the same response. Good luck.
I used to be afraid of the term hoe because I have sisters.
I didn't want anybody calling my sister's hoes.
I found out my sisters aren't built to be hoes because they
had kids very early. They wouldn't make it through a
whole phase. They couldn't even survive the
whole weekend. You can probably tell about my
vibes. I'm a young uncle.
I like having nephews. I'm watching them get older.
They're starting to do adult things like talk.
Right now, they're in this phase where they tell everybody that
they love them. So whenever they hang out with
me, they tell me that they love me.
But I never say it back because I don't know those *** It's
like, bro, we just mad. You can switch up on me at any
moment. I don't know if you've been
around children lately, but it is dangerous.
Like one of my nephews, he has superpowers.
Yeah. His superpower is that he can
make anything weird. Yeah.
He doesn't tell you what you're doing is weird.
He just asks you questions that make you think, whoa, is that
weird? Like, the one time I was driving
around with my nephew, we got through a stoplight.
The music in the car stopped playing.
He looks over me. He says, you sure do like
humming, don't you? I don't know the correct answer.
Sometimes you ask me questions that make me reevaluate how I've
been living my entire life. Like one time I took my nephew
with me to go get a haircut. And as we were leaving the
barbershop, he looks up at me. He goes, hey, why you let them
spin you around like that? Which is a great question.
That's a very vulnerable position to be in.
It's actually affected how I get my hair cut now.
Nowadays when I get my hair cut, I stand in the spot and I make
my Barber orbit around me. I don't know why my sister
decided to be parents. That's not something I want to
do. I'm afraid of being a dad.
I don't know if I can do the cool bad things.
Like, if I'm being honest with you, I'm afraid I might not be
strong enough to throw a toddler in the air.
And I know I'm not coordinated enough to catch it.
And this isn't something you can practice.
No one 's going to let you borrow their kid.
I don't know why my sister decided to be parents.
I'm afraid of being a dad. I don't know what dads do.
I never met my dad. It's not the joke yet.
I hate telling people that never met my dad though.
Because every time I tell someone I never met my dad, they
always ask the same stupid question they ask me.
What was life like growing up without a dad?
I don't know. Normal.
To me, that's like asking what was life like growing up without
a Tesla because like, I heard about the features.
It sounds like it'd be cool to have one, but I also heard they
might randomly hit your mom. I, I got to get out of here.
I do want to leave you with some good news.
I, I recently moved to Los Angeles.
You know, I got to hire movers. I was hyped about that because
that's as close as I'm to get the owner of slaves.
I just feel like it's my turn. I think we should bring slavery
back because I'm tired of having to clean my own apartment.
Like I know slavery was fucked up but I do get it.
Of course I don't think the black people should be the
slaves. We served our time and I won't
say who should be the slaves, but I will say I enjoy having
white Uber drivers. Sometimes I open up Uber and
Lyft, have myself a little auction.
I've been there from Tacoma. I've been a lot of fun.