I'm happy to be here. My name is Dylan.
It's pronounced Dylan. I recently did a comedy show
hosted by a very kind, well-intentioned white woman and
before I got on stage she came up to me nervously.
She was like, I'm so happy you're doing our show.
I'm so sorry. I've actually never said your
name out loud before. Is it pronounced Dylan?
I was like, now it is bitch. Dylan.
Dalon is my diversity scholarship name.
Yes, I am Dalon from now on. Thank you, Mackenzie.
I no, I love Dalon. Dalon is actually my Vogue house
name. The House of Dalong I got, I got
got The House of Dalong got I got got.
Dylan is over. He's over.
He's gone. Dylan.
Is that because now it's Dylon? When have you ever met a Dailon?
Can you come from you've
actually met a Dailon? Good.
I'm the only one. From now on.
Asian Ryan Ryan. Asian Tristan.
Tristan. Asian Sarah Sauron.
Lord of the Rings is House of Dailon.
I'm so Grande like Ariana. I'm so free like Taiwan.
I'm so vegan. My pussy Satan.
I'm just Dylan but with the high pawn.
Thank you. That's from Renaissance.
I have to ask Montreal. Make some noise if you are
queer, OK? I'm not, but I support you
faggots. Yes, be yourself, bitch.
No, I'm. I'm gay and I have an identical
gay twin brother. I know my mom's uterus is a Dua
Lipa concert. I don't know what happened.
Our sonogram. We were like, you know, my
brother and I, we are very close.
We really are like best friends. And I think it's because we were
the very first people we each ever came out to.
This is true. Like sophomore of high school,
he came up to me. He was so nervous.
He was like, Dylan, I don't know, I think I actually might
be attracted to guys. And I was like, don't ever say
that again, faggot, you know? But then, but then, but then a
full year later, I was like. Same.
We were at gymnastics practice. I have a new development in my
life that I want to share with you all.
I am actually newly bi racial. I am biracial you guys.
I'm sorry. So I'm half Japanese, half
Jewish, so half of my penis is circumcised and the other half
is pixelated. OK, Japanese porn fans in the
house, thank you for supporting Asian art.
I am a gay Japanese person, but there really is a Jewish
American Princess deep down inside of me.
There are two Japs inside of me. Hear me out, Montreal, Hear me
out. At my 11th birthday, I was like,
Daddy, I did not invite that girl.
Kick her out. Bye, Shoshanna.
That's like the Jewish. Bye, Felicia.
So my brother and I, we recently had to come out to our Japanese
grandparents. We didn't know how we were going
to do it. My mom decided she would do it.
She was she pulled my grandma, my old Bach on aside.
She was like, oh, Bach on. I have to let you know
something. Max and Dylan are both gay.
And she was like obviously right as kids, they stole my kimonos
to dress up as Mulan. So like, also, Mulan is Chinese,
not Japanese, so culturally inaccurate, but gay.
I think that's OK. We were like, Oh my God,
Obachan, we didn't expect this. Thank you so much.
We love you. And she said, I love you guys.
And then my mom was like, bitch, you never told me that before.
I love you. I'm gay.
What do I got to do? You know, we were shocked that
our grandparents were even remotely accepting because they
grew up in a different generation like my grandma and
her family. They experienced Japanese
internment during World War 2 at the exact same time my grandpa
was in Japan. He signed up to be a kamikaze
pilot for the Japanese Imperial Army.
That is 100% true and I didn't put that in my college essay
like a stupid bitch. Like I could have gone to
Harvard. I could have titled that the War
in me. Are you shitting me, Montreal?
I could have submitted a song with my application.
Half colonizer, half colonized, half internment, half wanna fly,
But I'm trying to make peace with the Jewish American pilot
inside of me. Hey, Mr. Harvard, this is my
Pearl Harbor. That's from Wicked.
You guys. A couple months ago, my grandpa,
my OG John, he unfortunately passed away and my mom texted
me. She was like, we don't know how
much more time OG John has left. Do you want to FaceTime to say a
final goodbye? I was like yes, of course I was
on FaceTime with my OG John. I was like OG John, I love you
so much. Thank you for everything you've
done for our family. And I really wanted to tell him
thank you in Japanese but my half white ass could not
remember what thank you in Japanese was.
So what came out of my mouth was gracias.
I was cut out of the will. I can't see me familia anymore.
I've been Dailan. Thank you so much.