1
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I'm happy to be here. 
My name is Dylan. 

2
00:00:03,120 --> 00:00:08,080
It's pronounced Dylan. 
I recently did a comedy show 

3
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hosted by a very kind, 
well-intentioned white woman and

4
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before I got on stage she came 
up to me nervously. 

5
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She was like, I'm so happy 
you're doing our show. 

6
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:19,360
I'm so sorry. 
I've actually never said your 

7
00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:22,560
name out loud before. 
Is it pronounced Dylan? 

8
00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:25,080
I was like, now it is bitch. 
Dylan. 

9
00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:30,200
Dalon is my diversity 
scholarship name. 

10
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:35,840
Yes, I am Dalon from now on. 
Thank you, Mackenzie. 

11
00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:43,080
I no, I love Dalon. 
Dalon is actually my Vogue house

12
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:47,560
name. 
The House of Dalong I got, I got

13
00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:49,800
got The House of Dalong got I 
got got. 

14
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Dylan is over. 
He's over. 

15
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:52,360
He's gone. 
Dylan. 

16
00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:57,880
Is that because now it's Dylon? 
When have you ever met a Dailon?

17
00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:00,480
When have you ever met a Dailon?
Can you come from you've 

18
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:01,960
actually met a Dailon? 
Good. 

19
00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:03,960
I'm the only one. 
From now on. 

20
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:08,880
Asian Ryan Ryan. 
Asian Tristan. 

21
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,640
Tristan. 
Asian Sarah Sauron. 

22
00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:13,720
Lord of the Rings is House of 
Dailon. 

23
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:17,440
I'm so Grande like Ariana. 
I'm so free like Taiwan. 

24
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,640
I'm so vegan. 
My pussy Satan. 

25
00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:21,800
I'm just Dylan but with the high
pawn. 

26
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Thank you. 
That's from Renaissance. 

27
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:37,120
I have to ask Montreal. 
Make some noise if you are 

28
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queer, OK? 
I'm not, but I support you 

29
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:44,520
faggots. 
Yes, be yourself, bitch. 

30
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:52,720
No, I'm. 
I'm gay and I have an identical 

31
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gay twin brother. 
I know my mom's uterus is a Dua 

32
00:01:56,760 --> 00:02:00,840
Lipa concert. 
I don't know what happened. 

33
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:09,199
Our sonogram. 
We were like, you know, my 

34
00:02:09,199 --> 00:02:10,919
brother and I, we are very 
close. 

35
00:02:10,919 --> 00:02:14,240
We really are like best friends.
And I think it's because we were

36
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the very first people we each 
ever came out to. 

37
00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,160
This is true. 
Like sophomore of high school, 

38
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he came up to me. 
He was so nervous. 

39
00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:24,040
He was like, Dylan, I don't 
know, I think I actually might 

40
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be attracted to guys. 
And I was like, don't ever say 

41
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that again, faggot, you know? 
But then, but then, but then a 

42
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full year later, I was like. 
Same. 

43
00:02:55,360 --> 00:03:02,560
We were at gymnastics practice. 
I have a new development in my 

44
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,840
life that I want to share with 
you all. 

45
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:14,040
I am actually newly bi racial. 
I am biracial you guys. 

46
00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:18,520
I'm sorry. 
So I'm half Japanese, half 

47
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Jewish, so half of my penis is 
circumcised and the other half 

48
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:28,040
is pixelated. 
OK, Japanese porn fans in the 

49
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:31,400
house, thank you for supporting 
Asian art. 

50
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:39,240
I am a gay Japanese person, but 
there really is a Jewish 

51
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American Princess deep down 
inside of me. 

52
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:46,240
There are two Japs inside of me.
Hear me out, Montreal, Hear me 

53
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:49,600
out. 
At my 11th birthday, I was like,

54
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Daddy, I did not invite that 
girl. 

55
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:53,520
Kick her out. 
Bye, Shoshanna. 

56
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,240
That's like the Jewish. 
Bye, Felicia. 

57
00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:05,000
So my brother and I, we recently
had to come out to our Japanese 

58
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grandparents. 
We didn't know how we were going

59
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,480
to do it. 
My mom decided she would do it. 

60
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She was she pulled my grandma, 
my old Bach on aside. 

61
00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,080
She was like, oh, Bach on. 
I have to let you know 

62
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,760
something. 
Max and Dylan are both gay. 

63
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:23,840
And she was like obviously right
as kids, they stole my kimonos 

64
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to dress up as Mulan. 
So like, also, Mulan is Chinese,

65
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:31,360
not Japanese, so culturally 
inaccurate, but gay. 

66
00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:35,480
I think that's OK. 
We were like, Oh my God, 

67
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Obachan, we didn't expect this. 
Thank you so much. 

68
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:41,960
We love you. 
And she said, I love you guys. 

69
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And then my mom was like, bitch,
you never told me that before. 

70
00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:49,520
I love you. 
I'm gay. 

71
00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:56,800
What do I got to do? 
You know, we were shocked that 

72
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,320
our grandparents were even 
remotely accepting because they 

73
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,160
grew up in a different 
generation like my grandma and 

74
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:04,840
her family. 
They experienced Japanese 

75
00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:08,480
internment during World War 2 at
the exact same time my grandpa 

76
00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,600
was in Japan. 
He signed up to be a kamikaze 

77
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,280
pilot for the Japanese Imperial 
Army. 

78
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:18,960
That is 100% true and I didn't 
put that in my college essay 

79
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:22,600
like a stupid bitch. 
Like I could have gone to 

80
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:26,600
Harvard. 
I could have titled that the War

81
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:30,760
in me. 
Are you shitting me, Montreal? 

82
00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:34,320
I could have submitted a song 
with my application. 

83
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:44,240
Half colonizer, half colonized, 
half internment, half wanna fly,

84
00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:51,000
But I'm trying to make peace 
with the Jewish American pilot 

85
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:59,400
inside of me. 
Hey, Mr. Harvard, this is my 

86
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:16,120
Pearl Harbor. 
That's from Wicked. 

87
00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:20,440
You guys. 
A couple months ago, my grandpa,

88
00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:25,040
my OG John, he unfortunately 
passed away and my mom texted 

89
00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:26,800
me. 
She was like, we don't know how 

90
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:30,080
much more time OG John has left.
Do you want to FaceTime to say a

91
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:33,240
final goodbye? 
I was like yes, of course I was 

92
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:36,680
on FaceTime with my OG John. 
I was like OG John, I love you 

93
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:38,480
so much. 
Thank you for everything you've 

94
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,440
done for our family. 
And I really wanted to tell him 

95
00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:45,920
thank you in Japanese but my 
half white ass could not 

96
00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:48,400
remember what thank you in 
Japanese was. 

97
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:52,920
So what came out of my mouth was
gracias. 

98
00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:12,880
I was cut out of the will. 
I can't see me familia anymore. 

99
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:14,840
I've been Dailan. 
Thank you so much.