Welcome to the choose hard podcast.
I'm your host Cody Mcbroom. I am a father, husband, coach
and entrepreneur whose life mission is to help individuals
like yourself create the best life possible.
Step one in you creating your best life is learning how to
choose hard on a regular basis so that you can develop your
body and build your mind. Today's guest is Doctor Robbie
Sonneregger, I call him Doctor Robbie because that last name is
real difficult to pronounce, but this is one of the most
impressive, intelligent, inspiring and honestly
interesting men I have ever met and been able to talk to.
He travels the the world. He tours war zones in third
world countries and places rehabilitating trauma from some
of the most tragic life experiences.
He is a pastor, he is a speaker, he is an author, he is an
educator, he is a father, a husband, I mean the list is
endless. He is a clinical psychologist
and psychiatrist that literally travels the world teaching
people and his practices in education is used in over 20
different nations in the entire world.
He is a very, very influential figure.
He has met some of the craziest people and the most influential
people in the world. I mean, he was telling a story
about teaching Prince Harry how to snowboard on the podcast day
that gave my mind was almost blown when he mentioned that
because I was not expecting it. But more than anything, one of
the things that I really, really admire and was interested in
learning from him about and that he educates people on his
parenting. So this is like the parent
master class. This is the one stop shop, the
podcast you need to listen to to get the most helpful and
influential advice to parent your child better and still core
values that actually matter and last and create a life mission
for you and your family that carries on for generations.
This is going to be a very powerful and impactful episode
for any mother or father who listens to this.
It's going to be very eye opening for a lot of the dads
out there because as we know in today's world, especially in
America, there is a lot of dads who are not showing up, who are
not present and who are just not even in the family's home.
And we're going to expose that. We're going to expose the hard
truths that come along with parenting.
And we're going to teach you exactly.
And by we, I mean him, he's the expert here.
We're going to teach you exactly how to be the best parent and
develop your child builds core values and vision for life and
purpose and identity more than any other podcast you've ever
listened to. I can guarantee that.
Without any further ado, let's talk to the one and only Doctor
Robbie. The greatest things in life all
start with a challenge. You must accept that everything
is hard before it gets easy. Every, every, every, everything
you want in life begins with a hard path.
Begins with a hard path. Begins with a hard path.
All right, Doctor Robbie, I'm not going to pronounce your last
name because I know that I will butcher it and I want to.
Respect. No one ever does.
I, I, I figured you would, you would appreciate that.
And so I just want to, I want to give a quick intro as to what I
know of you. And then I'm going to let you
give a brief intro of, of who you are in a nutshell.
But you know, one of the things I thought of, and you'll get a
kick out of this is there's a popular Mexican beer.
I don't really drink much, but it is Dos Equis and their
advertising for years was the most interesting man.
And he was interesting because he could water ski and he could
do all these. It was just wild, right?
Not for the the the meaningful things in life, but just for
funny skills. But that's what popped up in my
head because every time I hear you speak, every time I look at
your content, every time I hear about you from some of our close
friends, I'm just like, man, this, this guy is amazing.
This is one of the most interesting men in the entire
world, I believe. And it's just such an honor to
have you on here. You are somebody holds many
titles, many roles. You have impacted so many
people. When I was texting with you to
set this up, you were traveling the world.
I believe you went through a war zone at one point while you were
texting me. And I'm just, I'm in awe of
everything you do. And it's just such an honor and
such a pleasure to have you on here.
I'm feel very blessed to be able to pick your brain and talk to
you about parenting today. And so I just want to say thank
you for jumping on. Thank you for everything you do.
And then with that said, fill the listeners in.
In a nutshell, if you can of of who Doctor Robbie is.
Well, it's certainly great to be hanging out with you and talking
parenting today, Cody, Thank you for getting me on your podcast.
And look, the truth of the matter is whether I'm in a war
zone in a far distant land or I'm at home and you know, I
listen in to the, you know, the walls of the, of the neighbors
or the bedroom of the kids, it sometimes it sounds like a war
zone there too. And, and so I'm passionate about
taking psychology from the frontline and bringing it to the
home front because everyone needs life skills to be equipped
and empowered to know what to do when the going gets tough.
And the truth of the matter is we all experience some kind of
travesty, some kind of set back, some kind of difficulty or the
challenges of parenting. It's like the hardest job in the
world. But my question is, well, how
can we make that hardest job in the world less stressful and
more fun? And, and that's why I'm so
excited to be joining you today. My area and background is
actually trauma rehabilitation. So yeah, I've been working in
various different troubled hotspots around the world for
for a good few decades now. But I am passionate about
family. I'm a dad of five kids ranging
from, you know, the ages of 21 down to 12 and so broad
spectrum. Yet please pray for me.
I need all the help I can get. But, but look, you know, strong
families with good solid identity and good core values at
the centre of, of who these young, amazing human beings are
set them up for an incredible life of great, not just success,
but but be able to, you know, do things that that the average
human being can't. And why average?
Because the average human being comes from brokenness and from
despair. And, and when you have flawed
attachment with parents, well, let it pretty much, you know,
sets you up for a, for a negative trajectory thereafter.
So, so let's get this right. Love that you're prioritizing
this. Yeah, you know, before we do,
just briefly. I I'm always curious about
people's back story. What made you go into this world
or this realm or this career path?
And, and I'm, I'm sure it's more than just a career at this
point, but I, why, why this, why psychology?
Why did you become a pastor? Why did you become somebody who
is traveling the world and helping people and speaking and
coaching and, and leading? And like what really sent you
down that trajectory? You know, I I wish I had a good
story for this, Cody. Like I wish there was like
lightning bolts from heaven and you shall be.
But none of that happened. I actually grew up as a teenager
watching an American sitcom called Growing pains.
I don't know if you remember that with teenage heartthrob
Kirk Cameron at the time. And the dad was Doctor Seaver
and he was a psychologist and he worked from home and they lived
in a really nice home. And he was always hanging out
with the kids. And I'm like, I want that job.
It just didn't quite turn out the way in which it presented on
the TV. And now I'm never home and was
traveling and and working in war zones and look, it actually, you
know, God used mysterious ways to to lure you into where it is
that he wants you to be. And I I'm just so grateful.
I'm so grateful because I'm fascinated by human beings.
I'm fascinated by the way in which we, we function, why we
think what we think, why we believe what we believe, why we
do what we do. And sometimes the stuff we do
doesn't seem to make sense at face value.
So I go looking for that sense to try and understand it,
whether it be to intervene and, and bring about, you know,
resolution or reconciliation or maybe even better to prevent it
from, from the wheels falling off the wagon in the first
place. You know, an observation I just
just actually kind of came to one of the reasons I really
appreciate and respect you both you and Pastor Keith Craft is
very, very strong families, very, very strong fathers, very
great leaders. You guys have a lot of intention
with how you lead your family, how you guys operate, how you
teach and how you think. And you're also gone a lot, you
travel a lot for what you do. And, and when I think of one of
the issues with being a male figure who's a father, who's a
husband, who's trying to also be a successful entrepreneur, it's
the balance of time and trying to make sure that I'm home
enough because I got to be present, but I also got to build
the company and I got to travel and impact people because that's
what I do. And that is always such a
dichotomy for a lot of people. Yet two men that I look to
immediately and think of who have, you know, you probably
will argue this, but I think mastered this ability travel a
lot and are done a lot. And and I'm not going to assume
what we're going to talk about today is going to kind of be how
you do so. Yeah, look, it's not without
consequence for sure. And and, you know, there are
drawbacks. I I'm greatly convicted by, you
know, the greatest evangelist of our time, Billy Graham, who, you
know, before his passing was asked, you know, if you could
change anything, would you do anything differently?
And he said I would travel less and pray more.
And it is, it is convicting. But we have, you know, explored
because we've been doing this for, you know, 25 years.
We've explored various different ways to keep the family cohesive
and functioning as best as we could.
We we traveled as a family for a number of years, homeschooling
the kids, taking a nanny with us on the road.
These days, the kids line up and take turns.
So from the age of five, the kids started travelling with me
and we just yank him out of school and give them the school
of life, a real life experience, whether it be in difficult
hotspots of as just just as in South Sudan.
And Chad, I was with my 17 year old son who's, you know, eyes
were popping out of his head, you know, meeting with kings and
dignitaries and vice presidents and generals.
And, and these are experiences of a lifetime that that deposits
seeds within him or his own future.
And so it's a it's a blessing to be able to go on the road with,
with the kids, one-on-one to, to drill down and, and they
recognize, OK, we're part of this ministry.
We might not always be able to go with Dad, but we can pray for
Dad and pray for the ministry and part of, of whatever project
he is is doing. And so we, yeah, we get to be
able to, well, we're doing the best we can.
Let's put it like that. Yeah, and you hit the nail on
that. Those are things that most
people won't ever experience. So to bring your child with you
is, is an amazing experience for you, but also for them and it
shapes them in so many ways. That's that's phenomenal.
When I think of parenting and what you've taught and what I've
heard, one of the things that was really, really cool of how
you broke it down, I think will be really valuable for the
listeners is the three pillars of mental health and emotional
well-being that you cover and how those kind of translate into
how we parent, how we show up and, and how we influence our
children. So I'd love to start by breaking
down what those pillars are, if you can.
The three pillars of mental health and well-being.
Yeah, there's probably 7 pillars, but the three
foundations that support the pillars are identity, purpose
and self worth. And look at the role of a father
is so integral in helping to shape, forge and form the
identity of a child. And the quality of the
attachment between dad and that child will help, you know, set
that child up for success or, or ultimately create Swiss cheese
in, in a, in a child's psyche where there's, there's holes in
places where there shouldn't be, if you, if you catch my drift.
And so the idea of, of being intentional as a dad is so
crucial because we're forging and forming identity.
And if you know who you are and you therefore by default know
who's you are, who you belong to, what you represent, then
when you make decisions, you're not just making decisions in the
moment for you, for personal self gratification, oftentimes
which have devastating consequences, not just for you,
but also for others. But you are making decisions
recognizing I'm representing something that's larger than me.
And I'll often tell a story of I used to be a ski and snowboard
instructor back in a past life and I taught Prince, Prince
Harry and King Charles had a snowboard for the first time.
And, and it was, it was a funny experience because this young
boy, all of 11 years of age, Prince Harry, everyone called
him Sir. And, and I'm like, Sir, he's,
he's 11. And I'm like, I'm like, hey,
girl, this. I'm obviously an Australian, a
rebellious Australian because, you know, they are our monarchy.
And, and so I'm like, Hey, what's going on here?
But but because he know who he was and he was very cautious to
behave in a way that represented his family well.
And I thought to myself, what 11 year old kid thinks like that?
Imagine if all of our 11 year old kids, before they sprayed
the graffiti, before they stole the candy from the store, before
they clicked on the Internet pornography.
What if they stopped and asked the question, hang on, What I do
next will either bring honor or shame to my family because it's
not just who I am. It's who's I am, who I belong
to, who I represent. Wouldn't that be a game changer
if our kids actually knew who they were?
Now, they might not belong to the royal family of England, but
if they know their Heavenly Father, well, then they belong
to the most high royal family in the universe.
And so they get to represent something which is far greater
than themselves. And then they discover, well,
there's actually a reason for me being here.
I'm not just some random goo that evolved, you know, over
gazillions of years for no Rime or Reeves and no, no meaning, no
purpose. No, I'm actually placed here at
this particular juncture in history for a specific purpose
and and if I discover the gifts, the calling, the the the
tenacity on the inside to go after whatever it is that God
has in store for my life, well then I'll discover value.
So who am I, why am I here, and what am I worth of the three
essential questions that kids need to be able to ask and
answer, to forge that and form that, that strong foundation
upon which then the the pillars of mental health can be can be
well planted. So on that first one, the
identity what, what do we have to do?
I have two questions on this. One is what do you feel like are
the most important things that we can practically apply to this
or do for our children to cultivate that identity?
I got to assume at first, it's like you, you have to figure out
your own personal identity, right?
You have to lead yourself first. But what are the things that
parents should be doing? And then also a second to that,
why is the father such a pivotal role?
Not to diminish the mother's role in, in parenting, but
you've often said that the the father helps shape and create
the identity more so than anything else.
So I'd love to learn more about why that isn't what we can do to
start helping our children cultivate that identity
themselves. Yeah, these are great questions
and I think they're timeless questions that neither I nor
anyone else really has the bottom line answer.
We, we can speculate and there's great research to, to show and
that their father in particular has the role of directing and
correcting and, and the mother is, is largely A nurturing and
supportive role. And, and obviously there's
cultural implications with that. There's overlap and, and, you
know, not all men are the same and not all women are the same,
but stereotypically we recognize that to be true.
Why that's so, I don't think it's because we are some way,
you know, bravado and we've got it going on.
No, it's just innate in us that that is the that is the path for
us to to tread. And and as I, you know, embark
upon this journey with my own children, I'm not here to, you
know, scratch their back and say, I just want you to be happy
in life. Hell no.
Happiness is absolutely not the goal.
I want you to be solid. I want you to be grounded.
I want you to be a person of character and integrity.
I want you to be a man on a mission.
And as I heard somebody once say, if, if a man doesn't have a
mission, then there's nothing, you know, for anyone to, to
follow or, or, or come under. And so the idea of, of, you
know, the word submission is, you know, this dirty word in the
world today, but it's just misunderstood.
Sub means to go under and mission is the mission.
So, So what are you coming under?
Not sub man submission. You're coming under the mission.
And and so if, if, if a man doesn't have a mission, well,
he's, he might turn into the Michelin man.
Not quite the same, sounds similar, but not quite the same,
very, very different. And so let's be a man on a
mission. And, and one of the greatest
missions that we have is to instill in our kids those those
core values that will be the compass for their life to guide
them into an amazing future. But but more than just the
teaching role of the father pointing the finger, saying you
need to XYZ, the real art of being a parent is to foster the
quality of intimacy in the connection that in particular,
as we're talking about dads, a dad would have with their child.
Because that level of bonding, that attachment, if it's secure,
then that's a foundation upon which you can build a
skyscraper. But if it's broken in some way,
if it's anxious, if it's avoidant, if it's, you know,
we've got all these labels and terms in psychology, but there
are serious consequences so that the role of the father with a
child, especially a daughter, lays down the blueprint for that
daughter's future marriage. And if she's not secure, then
she will unfortunately may run the risk of going looking for
love in all the wrong places. You, you mentioned the core
values aspect of this. What advice do you have for
fathers and, and parents together, Maybe a mom and a dad
creating core values for the family together, even to make
sure that this is instilled so that the, the children.
Because obviously, you know, like my daughter's 7 and I could
tell her, you know, in this family, we, we focus on honor is
one of our core values and it would maybe go right overhead.
So I have to show examples, I have to teach lessons, I have to
tell her stories about my past where I made mistakes and show
her how it wasn't honoring my family or so on and so forth to
get it to click. And I just love to hear you kind
of break this part down because I think that is something that
in some of the families I've observed and it, it really
helped me start practicing, practicing this in my own life
is they had family core values. And it was, it's, it's funny now
to think about it, but even a year, two years ago, when I
first saw a family really, really instilling this and, and,
you know, being very, very focused on this, it was
something I've never seen before.
And then it dawned on me, like, how have I never seen this?
Like, why aren't more families creating core values together?
This seems like something we should all be doing, but it's
not, unfortunately, you know? Once again, it's such a great
question and a real practical way that you can develop this
within your own family, especially if you haven't seen
it before and it looks so foreign, but yet some way
interesting and inspirational and you go, whatever they've
got. I want also, Well, it's to
simply sit down with your kids and ask them, OK, so who are
your favorite superheroes? You know, is it someone from
Marvel or is it DC or is it, is it some other, you know,
Japanese, you know, anime, who, who are the heroes that you look
up to? And then, well, let's let's
dissect that hero. What is it about this hero
that's so appealing? And, and, and the idea of hero
is not just a person who has superpowers, you know, like in
X-Men, because you can be a super villain with superpowers.
What is it that makes a hero? And, and so we'll often say
things like, you know, when, when Superman is sitting
watching the game, it's the grand final and you know, and
it's the winning, you know, kick about to take place.
There's, there's, you know, 0.3 seconds on the clock and, and
it's a penalty and, and if they get this, his team wins.
And so. As he runs up to take the kick
in slow motion, Superman he is. And there's a girl falling from
a bridge, you know, 6 miles away.
And in this moment, he's got a dilemma.
Like what do I do? Do I, do I watch the winning
kick, which satisfies my desire? Or do I sacrifice myself and go
save the girl? And if he denies himself in that
moment, that's what makes him a hero, not because he can fly
super fast, but because he's able to deny himself for a
greater good. Now we have a value.
And so when we sit down with our kids and we say, hey everyone,
by the way, every kid wants to be a superhero.
And there is a stage of life where every kid sees their dad
as a superhero. And then I think it changes into
a villain. And then don't worry, it comes
back full circle later on, but usually just before you're about
to die. So, and so let's sit down and
let's unpack this. What, what do we love about
these, these characters? And, and you know, Speaking of
character, what are the characters within these people?
What are the values that they, that they exemplify, whether it
be generosity or gratitude or, or honor or, or a spirit of
excellence in what they do? And which one do you think would
be good for us to apply? And, and if you're making core
values in your family, the, the trick is don't make too many
because sometimes we go, Oh yeah, I want that one and I want
that one. And we're going to be this kind
of family. We're going, we can make a
Christmas wish list, but if there's, you know, more than 5
in your list, then it's going to be hard for the kids to grasp.
I just need anchor points to hold on to.
And so we say no less than three, no more than 5 as a good
way for kids to remember. And then whenever you're away or
whenever it's a weekend or whenever you're in the car
driving, you can just lean over momentarily and just say, hey,
what are our family core values and get them to rattle them off.
And then just pick one and say, Hey, what is what does gratitude
actually mean? Like, you know, unpack that for
me. And, and can you give me an
example of a time in the last day all week where you have
either seen somebody who has exemplified this super, this
superhero core value or that you yourself as have engaged?
Or what do you think you could do even today that could
activate this superhero core value in your life?
Who could we be grateful to or what could we be grateful for?
Just making it really practical. I love that it's such, it's such
an easy and it's such a fun way to discuss it and implement it
with your kids. You know, one of the things
that's interesting to me as well is that I've noticed as just a
normal dad, I'm more accountable to living up to our values and
standards. Now that I know my daughter is
aware of what I said, that they will be with her, you know, and
because, and now she catches me and like one of ours that's
really big and that I talk about for me personally is just
extreme ownership. And part of that was, is, is
also stewardship, you know, And so she, she caught me a few
times picking up trash on our street and it's not in front of
her house, but she's like, why are you doing that?
And she would ask, and I was, you know, I'm being a good
steward and I'm trying to take extreme ownership.
I have the, the ability to bend over and pick this up.
So I'm going to do it because I can create a change.
And if I don't do it, I'm not using my ability to do so.
But then it turned into we're driving to school, dad stop.
But I like stopped the truck and I'm like, what?
She's like their garbage can fell over and she wants me to
get out of the truck, walk down the driveway and, and I'm like,
Oh my gosh, okay, I got to do it, you know, and so she would
catch me doing these things and I love it.
And it's, it's really, really powerful because now I'm
constantly thinking about my actions have such a bigger role
than just for me or my life. And I think that it's, it's,
it's really cool revolving kind of thing because we do this so
that we shape them, but then it holds us accountable of being a
better human and being a better steward.
And in turn, they shape themselves because they're doing
it for us, but in turn we're doing it for them.
And it's like this, it's, it's really, really cool.
It's like that age-old catch phrase.
You don't worry so much about what you say, worry about what
you do. Because children see children do
they emulate their copy, They impersonate they, they will
embody what you do so much more than what you say.
So you can lecture until they have, you know, until the crows
come home. But at the end of the day, it's
what we do that matters. And yeah, our kids are watching
and listening. Yeah.
You know, even just around the dinner table, Like if you have a
problem that you faced that particular day and you come out,
you won't believe it. You know, this guy came up.
He was outraged, and he was flying off the handle.
And now the kids are all ears, like, So what did you do next?
So you know what I did? I said to him, you better sit
down and can I make you a coffee?
And they're like, what? And then I brought him a coffee,
and I said, so tell me what's going on.
And he just came from the hospital, and his wife has got
terminal cancer, and he's, like, really distressed.
And so actually, the issue was not the issue.
That was just the emotional overflow that he was not able to
cope or handle what he was going through.
And so I was able to not only disarm him.
So that's emotional Kung Fu, but I was able to, you know, bless
him and minister to him and help him and serve him.
And now because of the story being told at the dinner table
about what dad or mom actually did that day, the kids are like,
lesson, got it. Feather in the cap, right?
Save it for a rainy day. That's so good.
You know, I think it's, it's so important that those
conversations are being had with the kids too, because I, I sold
this from somebody else, but they had talked about most dads
go off to work. And so when we tell our children
we work hard, it's just our words.
They don't know what hard work looks like.
And so my wife and I made a really big point to Start
learning how to do everything around the house ourselves.
And she's a great builder and, and I'm like, well, I got to
learn landscaping. I got to learn all this stuff
and we're doing anything and I want her in the gym with me so
she can see me working hard because dad suffers in the gym a
little bit. And I want you to see what that
looks like because me on my computer nowadays on the online
business, she doesn't like translate that in her brain with
hard work. So.
But again, it just goes back to what you're saying, like they
see what you're doing more than anything.
And sometimes you have to force that, like try to get them in
front of you to see that too, you know?
That's right. And and I think when it comes to
instilling these core values, it's not just about being the
role model, but us encouraging the kids to even role model.
And and so when we set it up with our kids, you know, I'll
often by the way, you know, if ever my child is in trouble for
something, it's not because of the action, it's always because
of the intent. I don't you never punish the
outcome. You always address and teach the
heart. And so if if there is a time
where there is trouble and that happens from time to time, it's
because the kids have let themselves down in one of their
family core values. And so we get to role, role
model that through or, or role play that through and have the
kids even in advance, you know, say, hey, I want you to imagine
a scenario where this is happening.
You know, what would you likely do?
Well, that probably wouldn't adhere to one of our family core
values. So which one of our family core
values could you take off the shelf and apply as a superhero
power so that you can create an even more successful outcome?
And so we're basically setting our kids up for success with
practical tools. And just like any superhero,
they have to go through a training season to learn how to
employ and use these these new skills.
You know, Peter Parker had to figure out how do I climb a
wall? How do I shoot the string out of
my hand? How do I, you know, swing from
building to building because there would have been a few
crashes at the beginning. And, but it is through that
training process that is so important.
I just had this thought that came to mind, Cody.
And, and that is, I wonder why all of the superheroes seem to
have one thing in common and that is they don't have dads.
And that to me is, is the exact opposite of the way in reality
in which reality works. So not to say that if you don't
have a dad, you can't go on to become a superhero.
And, and certainly, once again, like I said before, not to say
that if you've had a broken relationship with your dad,
you're going to go on to look for love in all the wrong
places, but to say you need healing in order for that to
take place to, to bring wholeness and health to your
relationships again. But, but the truth of the matter
is, Peter Parker had no dad. Superman had no dad like all
these, all these superheroes, Batman had no dad.
All the dads get killed in action somehow, but they often
looked up to their dad as, as, as, as a hero in some way.
All the values were passed on in some way.
But, but the truth of the matter is great dads, present dads,
make for great superhero kids. You know that that brings me to
something I wanted to ask you about with regards to
cultivating identity in in our children.
And that was just some of the, I believe it was, maybe it was a
Hallmark experiment or something.
But I heard you talk about this where it was like the Mother's
Day and Father's Day cards. But there was quite a few things
that you had to say just about that I think really helped
provide context and proof, I should say, as to why the father
being in the child's life and being a part of their life and,
and really trying to help with these core values and being
present, all these things is so important.
And to your point to to develop a superhero kid like the dad's
got to be there. Could you break down some of
that, that, let's say, proof of research that you've you've
broken down before in the past that I think just really kind of
solidifies how important this is?
Yeah, they're perhaps more anecdotal observations.
And I believe the one with the Hallmark greeting cards was that
Hallmark, you know, gave inmates in prison an opportunity to
write a card to their mom on Mother's Day.
And the the project was so successful that they literally
had to truckload semi trailer loads full more of these
greeting cards to meet the demand.
And then they thought, this is this is amazing.
This is really great. Let's repeat the exercise on
Father's Day. And apparently less than 2% of
inmates came forward to write their down, add a card on
Father's Day, which speaks volumes of the relationships
between criminals and their dads.
And, and so, you know, it goes to goes to show what we, we've
got a we've got a job to do and we need to be doing better.
And, and I look at the, the research on the flip side with,
with single parent households. And it's just, I mean, the
statistics are so strong, they're undeniable that that if
you are raising a kid on your own, As for example as a single
mum, the trajectory is horrendous in terms of the
outcomes for the kids. Academic performance goes into
decline, drug use, sexual promiscuity, criminality all go
through the roof. And so the statistics are
horrendous, except when you look at the role of a single dad.
The statistics of a single dad raising their kids is no
different to a nuclear family with both mom and dad raising
their kids. And it's not to say that well,
that goes to show dads are better because this is a
statistic that no one in our contemporary society wants to
hear or even talk about it. But I think it's an indictment
on dads, not a celebration to be able to say, well, then where
are the dads? Why is it that the United States
has more single mother households than any other nation
on the planet? And when you look at the drug
use and we look at the mental health issues, when we look at
youth suicide, when we look at gun crime, we look at it doesn't
matter what we look at the United States is off the Richter
scale. And, and, and if only we were to
come back and prioritize and say, hang on, the role of the
father is so critical, so important to be able to have the
a wake up and a shake up in the in the court system, in the
family court system that prioritizes like send the kids
to my wait a minute, What are we doing?
Is this based on science? If it were going to be science
based, then we need to actually have a rethink, a whole rethink
as to how we invest in community, invest in strong
families and, and, and I'd love to say invest in strong
relationships between mum and dad so that there's no break up
in the 1st place. But in actual fact, that's
already too late. We, we need to start with
fathers to be great dads to their children so their children
can grow up and have great marriages.
So it's all good and well to do marriage counseling for the
people who are in difficulty, but it's almost too late.
You got to go back to the start and start at the foundations to
say quick, we got to get good identity.
We got to get good purpose and good self worth.
Who am I, why am I here? What am I worth?
What am I, what's my value? And if a child knows who they
are and why they're here and what they're worth, they have a
solid foundation. If they've got a solid
attachment with dad, they have the capacity to go on and have a
solid relationship with their spouse.
And if that's followed relationship with their spouse
is intact and in place, then now we have a foundation to raise
the next generation where we can change the landscape, the
landscape of statistics, negative statistics in the
United States. I think it's possible.
I just think I just wonder whether or not we've got the the
courage to actually talk about this research and do it as
opposed to just being virtue signaling and Oh no, that's
terrible. We can't talk about that.
You are. So you're such a bigoted,
racist, kind of, you know, misogynistic, whatever names
people might be throwing at me right now for even mentioning
this research. Well, yeah, we can just be name
calling and label throwing until the cows come home.
But, but, but it doesn't change anything.
If we want change, we want sustainable change in, in, in
this great nation of, of, of America, then it's time we had a
look at parenting, which is why I love what you're doing.
It's probably the most important podcast people can do.
I agree so much and I appreciate that.
I think that, you know, this, this started as a fitness,
strictly fitness and nutrition podcast because that's the
industry that I've built my businesses in.
And after 1000 episodes, we kind of rebranded and I was like, I
just want to talk about more because there's so much more
left on the table when it comes to the development of a human
being. And I think that it is like I,
it's part of the reason why the podcast is called Choose Hard is
because sometimes it is hard for people to talk about this stuff
publicly. And at a certain point I said, I
just don't care. I want people to get better.
And I know this is what they need.
That's what I need. It's, you know, I come from a
home that I've had multiple stepparents on both sides.
And so I didn't have an example of, of how to do things right,
which means that, and I love my parents, but they divorced and
they both had, I had stepmom, stepdad and then another stepdad
like, so I had to go out of my way to find people like you and
find mentors and find churches and find books.
And the more I could learn, the better I could be for my
daughter. And I'm trying to figure it out
myself to do it right for the exact reasons you're talking
about. And I think there's so many, I
mean, you proved this point. There's so many guys out there
that are in the same position that are in their 30s, forties,
50s. And they're, they didn't have
the example. And so they're, they're raising
kids and they have to do it the right way.
So I'm very, very grateful for this.
And, and that's why I want to get out there, but to kind of
bring us back to these pillars. I want to move from identity
into purpose and, and really kind of give people an idea of
how we discover that. I think that when somebody has a
more biblical point of view or way of living, it is a little
bit easier in the sense that we know that we are here to build
the Kingdom. However, for people who maybe
don't like what do they do? And even for people who do are
like, and I went through this, well, what about my talent and
skill and career? What does this have to do with
building Kingdom? How am I helping and serving?
And it took me a while to figure that out.
But how do we cultivate and and discover our purpose slash help
our children? Because obviously it starts with
us. But how do you help people
figure that part out? I don't know if you ever saw the
age-old film City slickers, I think from the 1990s or
something like that, like wait, a bygone era.
And, and there's a scene where they're, they're asking or
talking about the meaning and of life and, and, and the, the
cowboy who is mysterious and you know, the, the wise sage says
the purpose of life is this. And he holds up his little
finger and it's this, but doesn't actually give any
explanation. He just says it's, it's like a
mystery and no one really understands or crafts.
And I think that's a great characterization of our
contemporary day and age society where people are going off in
search of purpose a little bit like we go off in search of a
relationship or what could be my purpose?
Like, is it the thing? Is there one thing that I was
put on this planet to do? And I would go so far as to
debunk that myth and say, actually every day there's an
opportunity for you to activate your purpose, which is not some
far-flung thing in the distant future, but it's the here and
now. And So what is it that we have
the opportunity to do? So I break it down like this.
So say, if you're going to do an appraisal of yourself and try
and figure out who you are, because why you're here is
inextricably linked with who you are.
So identity and purpose go hand in hand.
And so if we were to break down who are you, you know, you could
make a list of your gifts, your skills, your talents and well,
hang on, they sound very similar to one another.
So need to break those apart. So a gift is something that I'm
innately born with. It's my ability.
I didn't earn it, didn't don't deserve it.
I just have it. And then secondly, I can develop
skills. So I might have a gifting for
music, but I might need to learn how to pick up and hold the
guitar and where the chords are and learn this thing.
And if I really practice and dedicate myself to this craft, I
might become talented. So everyone has gifts, everyone
has the capacity for skill, but not everyone is talented because
that takes a little bit of elbow grease.
Got to get into it and practice and be disciplined.
But if I am talented, if I am a master at my craft, if I'm
better than most, well, I can monetize it.
Why? Because now it is of great
value. So that third element of the
equation, identity, purpose and value comes into it or
automatically. And then I can ask what are my
interests and what am I passionate about?
An interest is something that you know, stimulates me
academically or intellectually, but passion is something that
grabs hold of my heart and, and I'm so emotionally captivated by
it. But it's so easy to say these
are my gifts, my skills, my talents, my interests, my
passions, because it's all about me.
But the moment it comes to purpose, it's no longer about
me, but rather it's me taking my gifts, my skills, investing them
wisely to become talented and of great value.
And then combining my interests and passion, these things that
I've developed or that God has given me so that now I can make
an effective and valuable contribution to the world around
me. And wait, if I'm making a
valuable contribution, will value is the same as worth?
Self worth is the same as the term self esteem.
Self esteem is the pathway to self-confidence.
Where did I get all this courage from?
Because I'm no longer looking at me.
The spotlight is not on my face, which makes me.
Blinded by the. No, now I'm turning that
spotlight around now and I'm shining in the direction that
I'm going so I can walk with boldness, courage and confidence
in the direction of my calling. So what am I called to do?
It's not some outlandish great thing, it's not the the wise
cowboy, but rather my call today is to be the best human that I
can be. Who is it that I want to be
today? What characters core values do I
want to embody? Why am I showing up today?
What's the what's the reason I'm here?
What valuable contribution can I make?
What's already working for me that that that I can capitalize
on? And what's just one more thing I
could do today to put a smile on somebody's face or to make a
valuable contribution? Because if I'm depositing value
in their life, it actually boomerangs back.
I'm cultivating a treasure on the inside that no moth can eat,
no rust can destroy, no thief can steal it's timeless
treasure. No ideology, no identity
politics can steal this away from me.
Because I know who I am. So you can't manipulate me
anymore. I know why I'm here.
I am a man on a mission or a woman on a mission.
I've got, I've got vision and direction.
And lastly, I am making a valuable contribution to the
world around me. And as I do that, as I deposit
value, I discover action value at the same time as being
deposited in me. And lastly, if I could say, if
we were to ask God, you know, well, what are what are we
worth? He would say, well, to me,
you're worth dying for. That's how valuable you are to
me, that I would give my only son the most precious thing to
me of all, just for one chance to be in relationship with you.
God is not a God of rules any more than a parent should be
about rules. It you know, as the age-old
saying goes, rules before relationship just results in
resentment and rebellion. But relationship before the
rules results in respect. And respect is both the Holy
Grail of parenting and for a well lived life.
It's. It's so interesting too, that
it's, it's the selfless selfishness kind of idea because
you can be selfish and try to do everything you want for you and
make yourself happy and successful, all these things,
but you'll be empty and, and you won't actually be happy like you
think you are. And then if you start being
selfless and you do things to create value in others, it
actually brings you more happiness and joy than you would
have achieved if you were being selfish, you know?
So it's, it's, it's, it's a very funny dichotomy, but it's so
true. And one of the things you
mentioned there that really that stands out to me a lot and I
wanted to ask you about today, too, is the, the, the
relationships before rules. Just to explain how this this is
'cause you just briefly touched on it, but I think it's such a
important thing. And I think of situations in my
life where I was in trouble or ridiculed for what I did, but
there was never a moment looking back of are you OK, Cody?
Is every like, you know, what happened or was it an accident
or anything like that? It was just, I did something
wrong. There's no context provided.
But I'm in trouble and I feel very guilty and shamed because
of it. Versus starting with, first and
foremost, are you OK? And like checking on the human
because that is who I have a relationship with.
And that's what pops up in my head initially.
And and then I start going through this track record of
like, am I doing that to my child?
Like I got to make sure that I'm doing that the right way?
Is that kind of an easy, applicable way to explain it
though to people listening? Yeah, and, and, and, but I think
we need to dig a little deeper to understand why a parent might
name and shame their child in the 1st place.
And oftentimes it's because we can't regulate our own emotions
if we forget who we are. So it doesn't just apply to, you
know, you know, instilling identity in the in, in our kids,
but if, if we if we lose out, if we lose our cool and we raise
our voice, you've just forgotten who you are.
And if you forgotten who you are, you in that moment lose
your authority. And it's a little bit like, you
know, saying with Prince Harry, before all those years ago, we
were out in the snow and there were so many photographers.
It was ridiculous. Like, there was more
photographers than I'd ever seen before, like all the paparazzi
taking photos of us. And it got so bad we couldn't
snowboard. And so Prince Harry, without
getting frustrated, without having a tantrum, without, you
know, shouting, he just says, I need a space.
And within seconds, the bodyguards that were surrounding
him like pushed everyone back to clear an area for us to
snowboard on. And I thought that was amazing
because he knows who he is. He can speak with authority, not
with emotion. And as a result of knowing who
he is, it it directly, you know, has a, has a, has a application
in, in his behavior, in his conduct.
And, and if we parents were to embody that and know this is who
I am. And so I'm not going to get
upset. I'm not going to, you know,
point the finger. I have to understand there's a
purpose. So identity now, purpose as to
why I'm going to intervene in this particular situation
because I want the embediment and the improvement of the
child. I want the child to learn a
valuable life lesson. So rather than me being angry
because what they did was so upsetting, you know, spilling
the glass of water off the table and, you know, splashing all of
my important documents, No, rather, I want to not parent the
outcome, but parent the intent. And if it was an accident, well,
I'm not going to parent that. There might be some lessons to
be learned about wisdom and situational awareness and making
sure that we take care and prioritize other people's
belongings. But but if there's
intentionality in spilling that glass, well, they don't even
need to spill it. And I will parent that child
because I'm parenting the heart, not the behaviour, not the
outcome. And so every time I sit a child
down because of something that's gone wrong, as I mentioned
before, I'll be asking them which one of our family core
values did you let yourself down on?
And, and they have to articulate it and, and I'll say, OK, So
what could be done in that situation if it was to ever
occur again? You know which, how can you
embody or engage this core value?
And, and the reason why I'm asking questions as opposed to
lecturing is because kids learn best when they do the teaching.
And so we're extracting the information out of them.
Now, there might be an incentive for them to do the teaching
because there might be consequences attached to this.
And so, for example, they might be, you know, on a responsible
thinking chair where they can earn their way out in back into
the, the field of play by teaching the appropriate lesson.
And that lesson has to articulate, you know, the, the,
the core of what we're doing. And then and then in our family,
we embrace something that I adopted from Pastor Keith Craft,
who you mentioned before, who is a a maestro when it comes to
parenting and looking at the fruit of his family and his kids
and and his kids kids. Now I'm like, OK, so whatever
they got, I want some of and and what he required his children to
say is what I do it. Maybe you do it as well.
And that is at the very end of trouble time, if you will.
I'm not looking for an apology because apologies don't fix the
papers that are now wet, don't fix the glass that was Apologies
don't heal me either. I'm not looking for an apology.
I'm looking for a statement that goes something along the lines
of thank you for correcting me and helping me to be better,
which embodies the core value of gratitude, which articulates
this is the reason why we're parenting.
I'm, I'm not parenting because I'm upset with you.
I'm parenting because I want you to be better.
And so when their child embodies that and and appreciates it and
says thank you for correcting me for the purpose of helping me to
be better, we just hit a home run because that that those core
values are being reinforced. That's so good.
I, I, I agree completely. I think that something else I
heard, I believe it was Garrett that I initially heard say this
and I've adopted because it's one of those things.
Once you hear you start going, every time you begin to say
these words, you stop yourself because you're like, I don't
want to be that dad. But because I said so, it's just
not an acceptable response because one, it's not going to
teach them anything. But that becomes more of like a
dictatorship. I'm just telling you things
because I'm the boss and that doesn't do anything.
And so beginning to remove that at an early stage because I
heard him say that multiple years ago now, it was such a
powerful thing because it's very similar to where now there's a
purpose and there's something they can correlate the reason
for me telling them to do this with.
And that teaches them more much like, you know, not saying
sorry, but rather saying that thank you for correcting me and
making me better because now, you know, like I'm not just
trying to get you in trouble, I'm trying to make you better.
And one thing that I, I, I actually gave advice to a, a
friend who asked me and it wasn't I, I gave him the caveat
at first of like, I am not a parenting coach or guide or
anything, but this is like what I do 'cause he, the question was
basically, how do you keep your cool in those situations 'cause
that's a common question that follows up what you were talking
about. It's like, OK, that makes sense
in theory, but how do I make sure that I don't blow up first?
And I actually ask the questions and I teach them this way.
And I think the answer, and I'd love your thoughts on it, is
having those core values or that family mission on the forefront
of your mind constantly. Because I can go into any
scenario going, I emotionally want to react.
Does that align with our core values and help fulfill our
family mission? No easy answer.
OK, I can lose my ego. I can calm down and just do what
is aligned with the best interests of US winning as a
family. And that's what I ultimately
want more than anything. And it makes it really easy to
remove the emotional for a second, go to the logical, and
then fulfill the mission and the values.
Does that make sense? Absolutely.
If you can't lead yourself, why would you think that you could
lead anyone else? And so we need to learn how to
self regulate and, and, and manage our emotions and, and
master our mind and not get carried away by the rash of
feelings. Because when we scratch the
rash, it doesn't make the rash go away.
It just makes it more angry. And so let's exercise wisdom.
And yeah, we all fall into the, you know, the the domain of
making a mistake from time to time where emotions do get the
better of us. You know, no one's, no one's
perfect. And there's no such thing as the
perfect parent by any means. But to have the humility to own
it, to be able to say, you know what, kids, that was probably
not the wisest way for me to react.
I let myself down because I wasn't honoring.
Because I'm not just honoring up, I'm honoring down and
honoring all the way around. And I wasn't leading myself.
I wasn't leading my emotions. I was following my feelings.
From now on, I'm going to inform my feelings.
I'm in charge here, and I'm the boss.
And I'm not going to allow you to, you know, usurp my
authority. And so I made a mistake.
I lost my call. And I want to apologize.
And so thank you for helping me be better.
And so when we take that humble position, kids are like, what?
OK, I said, dad doesn't have it all together.
He's not perfect. He's not some kind of narcissist
who, you know, thinks he's like, God, No, he's just normal human
being. And he modeled to me, this is
what ownership looks like. This is what taking extreme
responsibility looks like for myself.
And now we've modelled how to do that to the next generation.
Yeah, and that's, and obviously that's exactly how you earn
respect from your children too. Like you said earlier.
I have one more thing I would love to ask you just because I
do think that I don't think there's a a best or a wrong
place within this podcast to place this.
But it's just a piece of information that I heard you
talk about that I think helps people because it creates a
timeline of importance to instill these things in your
parenting. And you mentioned about, I
believe it was around the age of seven, and then it was again at
the age of prepubescent, I believe, where the brain is kind
of changing and kids are learning different things in
different ways and picking up on things from you.
And the way you framed it when I heard you talk about this was
great because it's, it's science.
So it's proof and we can't deny it.
But also it made me stop and go at the time when I heard it, I
was like, Oh my gosh, my daughter's going to be 7 in a
year. I need to, we need to get these
things dialed in and it helped me take it more seriously.
So my hope is that people listening will do the same.
So can you break that down real quick for us?
Yeah, sure. Look, neuroscience has lent us a
lot of insight in recent years. We used to say, give me the
child until they're 7 and I'll give you the man.
That's the old Jesuit saying. But then developmental
psychologists came along and said, actually, no, it's not the
first seven years of life. It's the first three years of
life that has the biggest impact in childhood development.
And then clinical neuropsychologists came along
and said, actually, no, it's not the first three years of life,
it's the last three months of pregnancy, it's the last
trimester. So what happens in mums world
has direct bearing on the child's ability to cope with
difficult situations in the amount of cortisol that is
released and how brains develop. And so we've got hardware.
This is what we're talking about.
But then there's software. And so we've got to talk about
both of them. We can talk about all of the
principles and all the parenting strategies, which is all
software. But we should also concentrate
on making sure that we've got good hardware in our kids brains
as well so that they can have the iOS update, if you will, for
what we're talking about. But I think specifically what
you're referring to is that there is a shift around about
the age of 678 that takes place in a child's brain where they go
from concrete thinking, where everything is very black and
white, to more abstract thinking where they can start to reason,
start to engage in understanding at a deeper level.
And there are various different milestones along the way.
Even in Pediatrics, even at the age of nine months, there's
shifts that take place where I get to see that not everything
that happens in the world is only from my perspective that I
can actually see things from another person's perspective as
well. So for example, you can say I'm
going to put this toy into the ice cream box and put the ice
cream box into the fridge, but the toy usually belongs on the
shelf. Where do you think the child
will look for the toy and they'll say, well, they'll look
for the toy in the fridge because that's where we put it,
or in the freezer, not understanding that we'll know.
The child doesn't know that we've put it in the box.
And so there's no insight yet that somebody has a different
understanding to what I do. I know the information, but
others don't necessarily know the information.
That's a significant shift that happens in early childhood, but
at age 7, I'm able to reason and understand.
So if you're going to instill core values in the family, this
is the time where you get to talk about it.
Prior to that time, you just got to do it.
And children work very good with sensations and experiences.
And so I like it or I don't like it.
And that will govern everything I do.
I will, I will taste ice cream and I like it and I want more of
it. And then I'll try a broccoli or
a Brussels sprout, whatever this thing is, I don't want to eat.
I don't like it. I will sit at the table for
three hours and refuse to eat it rather than actually put this
thing in my mouth. And so if you understand that
that's the way a sub 7 year old operates, hey, parent
accordingly. But at the age of 7 or 8,
there's a shift where you get to reason.
This is a beautiful phase of life because you get to actually
talk through intimacy and principles and reality and see
things from other people's perspective.
Effective. A great strategy is to slow down
when there's a car accident or an incident and look at the
accident and then consider and ask questions like, what do you
think must be going on in the minds of the people who are at
home? Who who that person hasn't come
home yet? Like what do you think they're
thinking? You know, So when we start to
think outside the square, using abstract reasoning helps develop
empathy. And that's a really important
skill. Oh I love it.
That's so good. Gosh, I could probably ask you
100 more questions and just keep going.
It's just so great. But I want to respect your time
and I'm really, really grateful for the time that I have had
with you. I have one final question that I
ask all my all my guests and that is what does choose hard
mean to you? Well choose hard to me is
whenever I hear it I hear Keith Crafts rant that went
anonymously around the world that everything is hard.
So choose your hard. You know marriage is hard,
divorce is hard, choose choose your hard.
And you know being being overweight and unfit is hard but
training to get into fitness is hard.
Choose your hard that actually was authored by Keith Craft.
Not many people know that it went viral around the world.
But when I think personally of choose hard, I want to ask the
question of my God, what is it that he wants me to do, not what
I want to do. I want to live my life based on
principles, not based on emotions or feelings or a peace
that I have some wishy washy Christian statement that we
might make in order to justify behaviors that we know are
absolutely wrong because Scripture says so.
And so I have to surrender that to him And that's hard.
And so, you know, there's a temptation to stand in church
and sing I surrender almost, but it's hard to fully give it all
over to him and say not my will be done, but your will be done,
not my way, but your way. So let me stand on your word as
the governing principle for my life.
That's the hard I choose. Beautiful.
I love it. Such a great way to wrap up the
podcast. I know that you are very busy
doing a lot of things, so I don't know if you have anything
that you want to plug or anything I can link.
I'm going to link everything I can find from you in the show
notes. But if there's anything you want
people to go check out or watch or see from yours that you'd
like to shout out real quick, I would love to be able to tell
them what that is before. We, yeah, if any parents are
listening and really want some great practical skills and tools
for parenting, look, we've got a series of parenting programs
called the Parenting Revolution. The last thing that parents need
is more advice. No, we need a revolution.
And so we've got -1 to plus one kids.
So getting ready, planning, conceiving, delivering and
surviving the first year of life.
Then we've got toddler programs, children programs from 4:00 to
11:00, and then even parenting teenager programs.
It's all on doctorrobbie.com. We're where you can get access
to those programs and I hope it it's a real blessing for those
who might take advantage of that.
Me too. I'm going to link those in the
show notes of this podcast. Once again, Doctor Robbie, thank
you so much for spending time with me.
This has been a phenomenal podcast and I think it's going
to provide a lot of value to the listeners.
It's been great hanging out with you, Cody.
We should do it again sometime. God bless.