1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:02,480 In this episode of the Choose Hard podcast, I'm going to show 2 00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:06,600 you what research shows determines your self esteem and 3 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:09,440 self worth as a human being. And then I'm going to give you a 4 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:12,920 simple four step system to ensure that you are improving 5 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:15,800 yourself worth and self esteem so you can live a more 6 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,960 successful and a more fulfilling. 7 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:22,040 And happy life. Welcome to the Choose Hard 8 00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:24,560 podcast. I am your host Cody Mcbroom. 9 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:28,200 I am a trainer, I am a sports nutritionist and I'm the founder 10 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:30,480 of Tailored Coaching Method, a world renowned online fitness 11 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:33,640 and nutrition coaching company. If you are new here, thank you 12 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:35,240 for being here. Thank you for tuning in and 13 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:37,720 listening. This podcast is all about 14 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:41,040 fitness, nutrition and mindset. Everything you need in order to 15 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:44,680 choose Hard on a daily basis, develop your character, grow as 16 00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:46,840 an individual, and just live a better life. 17 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:50,000 That's what this is all about. Free value to make sure that you 18 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:54,160 do the hard things that lead you to an easy life. 19 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:56,760 If you're a returning listener, thank you for coming back. 20 00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:59,360 Thank you for listening and respect. 21 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:01,400 Congratulations, you're about to grow again. 22 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,960 Today's podcast episode is something that I've actually 23 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:06,480 never discussed. I I shouldn't say I've never 24 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:09,520 discussed, but I've never doven into on this level. 25 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:13,280 So this this is a topic that I have not ever dedicated a single 26 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:16,600 piece of content to. And that topic, that category is 27 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:20,760 self worth specifically. And this kind of came about 28 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:25,360 because one, I think it's, I mean, it's evident that today's 29 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:29,360 world, we are an at an all time low of self worth. 30 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,480 I mean, it's very, very apparent that depression, anxiety, 31 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:36,800 stress, overwhelm, lack of identity, lack of standards, 32 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:39,640 work ethic, everything is just dropped through the floor. 33 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:42,680 It's it's, I don't think that's anybody that won't take anybody 34 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:46,880 by surprise, but self worth is something that is going to be 35 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:49,760 dropping lower and lower and has already dropped low and lower 36 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:53,320 for most people because of the way things are going in the 37 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,440 world with regards to these other aspects. 38 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:58,280 So as we you know. Have a lower. 39 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:02,480 Work ethic, as we put in less effort as we don't work as hard, 40 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,320 our self worth drops. As we worry more about what 41 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:09,120 other people think, our self worth drops, right, As we have a 42 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:13,120 lack of clarity or, or a blurred sense of identity and standards 43 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:15,280 in our life and values, our self worth drops. 44 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:18,680 So it's a very, very obvious thing, but it's something that's 45 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,600 not discussed enough and I want to dive deep into it, 46 00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:25,680 specifically with what research shows to be the truth, the 47 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:29,120 answer, the the reason for this, as well as what research has 48 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:32,760 provided us with to create a solution in a pathway. 49 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:35,520 So I'm actually going to give you a four step process to 50 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:37,920 improving yourself worth by the end of this podcast. 51 00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:41,680 Now this also, I want to give a shout out to the author of this 52 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:45,880 book because I've been reading this book and it is phenomenal. 53 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:48,360 I actually am reading and listening, so I have it on my 54 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:51,480 phone on my Spotify right here. So I know the title exactly. 55 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:54,200 And that is the first rule of mastery. 56 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:59,640 Stop worrying about what people think of you by Michael Gervais. 57 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:03,240 I have no idea. He has a podcast as well. 58 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,240 In fact, I'm going to go to his podcast and shout that out too 59 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,720 because his podcast is great and he's had it. 60 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:11,120 For a while. He is like a performance 61 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:13,520 specialist coach finding mastery. 62 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:17,360 That is his podcast. So really, really good book. 63 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:20,920 I, I purchased it a while back and I never dug into it. 64 00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:23,600 And if you're anything like me or you just have ADHD and you 65 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:27,960 haven't figured out how to, you know, stick to the book better 66 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,520 and actually get through it and read it and stay focused. 67 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,280 Try listening and reading. I think I've mentioned that in 68 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:36,360 the podcast as a tip, but it is such a good hack for anybody who 69 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:39,760 has ADHD or struggles with distractions in general, you 70 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:43,960 know, and I do have ADHD. So I take any hacks I can get to 71 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,280 make sure that I am staying productive, I'm staying focused, 72 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:47,920 staying on task and, and I'm learning, right? 73 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:52,560 And so I read as I'm listening to them talk at like 1.5 speed, 74 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,840 which helps me read faster and I can absorb the information 75 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:59,400 better. So anyway, self worth is the 76 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:00,560 topic we're going to dive into today. 77 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:04,600 OK, so the first thing is, you know, the definition of this, 78 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:08,080 like what is self worth? If we really look at self worth 79 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:12,000 and self worth stems from self esteem and self esteem can be 80 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:15,480 looked at in different ways. And sometimes people I, I find 81 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:18,680 that a lot of people avoid using this word because sometimes it 82 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,839 can almost be. They actually did a study on 83 00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:23,320 this as well as I was doing my research for this episode where 84 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,440 they looked at the differences of basically self esteem, high 85 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:29,120 levels of self esteem and narcissism, which is kind of 86 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:32,320 crazy to think about. But if you have a high level of 87 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,880 self esteem for some people who especially those who have low 88 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:38,200 self esteem and tend to point the finger and blame, we can 89 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,280 look at that as a, you know, and judge that person with high self 90 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:43,640 esteem and call them a narcissist, call them cocky or 91 00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:47,480 arrogant because they have a high regards for themselves, 92 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:50,320 which sounds kind of cocky and arrogant, right? 93 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,560 And that's why they did this study. 94 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:56,320 But it's different, right? A high level of self esteem is 95 00:04:56,320 --> 00:05:00,560 more so attached to your values and, and your beliefs and your 96 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:06,000 standards of life and what you think is right and wrong versus 97 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:09,600 narcissism and cockiness and arrogance is like literally 98 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,320 just, you're not wrong, everybody else is wrong. 99 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:16,760 And you actually thrive and feel better when not not only are you 100 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:19,120 right, but others are wrong. So even if you're not right, you 101 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:22,840 will actually force and change the story to make others wrong 102 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:25,600 so that you feel better about not being right, which is crazy 103 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,200 to say, but like, that's literally what it is. 104 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:31,040 So when we look at self esteem, the definition I, I kind of took 105 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:34,960 from, you know, Webster, but also just tweaked it a little 106 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:39,120 bit is self esteem is your confidence in your own worth or 107 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,240 abilities. It's somewhat synonymous to self 108 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:42,760 respect. When I say tweak it, I really 109 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:45,200 just adjusted it to make it more readable and understandable. 110 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:49,600 Not so literal, but self esteem is your confidence in your 111 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,600 worth, your own worth and abilities. 112 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:54,280 It's somewhat synonymous with self respect and that's why I 113 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,640 love this because we talk a lot about self respect and part of 114 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:59,880 the journey through the coaching process with us is this self 115 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,880 transformation, right? The self formation we talk 116 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:02,840 about. And it's like you gain 117 00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:05,600 self-control, which helps you develop self-discipline, which 118 00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:08,720 leads to actions that get results and those results take 119 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,880 you to self belief. And once you have self belief, 120 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:14,280 you can begin to develop self respect because you have this 121 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,160 high level of self esteem and confidence. 122 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:19,200 So when we look at self esteem, it is your confidence in your 123 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:23,120 own worth, self worth and your abilities as a person. 124 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,920 And it is somewhat synonymous to self respect in the sense that 125 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:28,840 you really don't have one without the other. 126 00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:32,640 You accomplish self respect once you have a high level of self 127 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:35,960 worth or self esteem, so on and so forth. 128 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:41,680 OK, so that being said, how to improve self esteem? 129 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:44,560 That's really what we're diving into today and there's four 130 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:48,160 things we need to figure out and consider and and really look at. 131 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,840 And so we're going to get into these all individually. 132 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,440 But when you're when you're thinking about self worth after 133 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:57,680 this podcast and you're trying to remember, how do I improve 134 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:00,680 myself worth? How do I focus on developing a 135 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,600 greater sense of self worth and improving myself esteem? 136 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:08,680 I want you to think of IDDDDIDDD. 137 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,520 That's it, right? ID think of ID your identity 138 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,400 right? And part of your identity is 139 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:18,040 going to be built off of IDDD and that's what this. 140 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:21,880 And I like using acronyms or frameworks like this so that it 141 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:25,000 just clicks and remembers right. The last one was actually an S 142 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,280 but I just changed it to AD just so it was more remembral. 143 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:31,680 IDDS isn't as remembral. So identify personal 144 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:36,280 contingencies, diversify sources of self worth, develop non 145 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:40,320 contingent self esteem, and determine and achieve intrinsic 146 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:42,920 goals. So internal goals, internally 147 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:44,480 motivated or meaningful? Goals. 148 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:48,800 So identify personal contingencies, diversify sources 149 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,400 of self worth and develop non contingent self esteem. 150 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:54,440 That is how you improve yourself esteem. 151 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:55,760 It's how you improve yourself worth. 152 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,200 But we're going to get into all of it. 153 00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,080 So before we do, we're going to look at research. 154 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:01,000 So I want to look at research and this, but and, and again, 155 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,520 like, you know, this podcast, my, my goal with this podcast is 156 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:06,440 first to get people understanding where self worth 157 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:08,280 comes from and why it's so important. 158 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,880 To have a high level of self worth. 159 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,200 Ultimately, if we want to have a high regards for ourselves, if 160 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,480 we want to live a meaningful life, a happy life, if we want 161 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:18,800 to be satisfied with life, we need to have a high level of 162 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,880 self worth. Because ultimately I heard this 163 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,160 really good quote. It was from Chris Williamson of 164 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:26,080 Modern Wisdom. He said that it's something to 165 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:30,040 the effect of it. It's crazy to know that we chase 166 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:34,120 in the pursuit of chasing the thing we want, we sacrifice the 167 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,360 thing we want. And what he's talking about is 168 00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,880 in the pursuit of chasing success, which you ultimately 169 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:41,640 think is going to give you happiness, you sacrifice your 170 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:44,240 happiness along the way. And so you have no happiness 171 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:47,480 because you're sacrificing it to achieve this, you know, status 172 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:50,000 or level of success that hopefully gives you the 173 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:51,920 happiness that you didn't realize you already had. 174 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:53,240 Right. And if you read the the book, 175 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:55,400 The Alchemist is all about this, like the boy goes on this 176 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,800 journey looking for this treasure, and the treasure was 177 00:08:57,800 --> 00:08:59,800 actually back at home. So he takes a journey around the 178 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:03,240 world, basically all to just find that the treasure was right 179 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,640 where he started. And it's to say that look around 180 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:10,000 you, you have value in your life right now. 181 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,800 And if you see that value, you're going to be happier and 182 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:13,200 you're going to have a greater sense of self worth. 183 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:16,840 So I want people to understand that and then I want to show 184 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:20,120 people how we can accomplish a greater sense of self worth. 185 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:22,040 And again, that's going to come from identifying personal 186 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:23,960 contingencies, which I'm going to show you what are 187 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:25,840 diversifying sources of self worth. 188 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,480 So you're not relying on one single source to provide you 189 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,000 with self worth. You're developing non contingent 190 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:36,480 things to create self esteem and self worth and then you're 191 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,720 determining and achieving intrinsic goals, not just 192 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:42,040 extrinsic external goals, things that don't really matter. 193 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:45,480 They're more materialistic, if you will, status focused. 194 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:50,320 OK, now I want to touch on the research because I just 195 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,000 typically like to dive into the research. 196 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:56,080 I think the research is a good way for us to have proof going 197 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:57,360 into anything we discussed, right? 198 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:03,360 So when we think about something like fat loss, we want to have 199 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:06,680 proof of concept around energy balance, metabolism, cardio, 200 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:07,960 energy expenditure, stuff like that, right? 201 00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:09,960 I treat everything else the same way. 202 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:13,840 I want to have research to back up what I am, what I'm tracking, 203 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:15,920 to see what I'm teaching, what I'm thinking, what I'm coaching. 204 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,280 And so the, the study I chose, there was a a handful on and 205 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,880 probably more, but there was a handful that I went through on 206 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:23,960 self worth. And the one I chose is called 207 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:27,120 Contingencies of Self Worth and it's by Jennifer Crocker and 208 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:30,080 Connie T Wolf. It's back from 2001 and it 209 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:33,400 presents a model emphasizing the domains in which individuals 210 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:37,360 base their self esteem, known as contingencies of self worth, 211 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:38,880 right. So these are the things that 212 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,880 yourself worth is contingent on is what it's getting AT. 213 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:46,400 And they believe that there are specific contingencies that most 214 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,000 people have. This is very, you know, 215 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,800 synonymous with everybody. This is very common across all 216 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:53,960 people that they put through these research studies is that 217 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:57,440 everybody kind of has these they call domains and I'm going to 218 00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:02,040 get into these domains, but everybody has a contingencies in 219 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:03,920 which they determine their self worth. 220 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:08,760 So they only have self worth if blank, they only have self worth 221 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:11,040 if they have enough blank. They only have self worth if 222 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:13,560 they accomplish blank. They only have self worth if so. 223 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,520 And so thinks blank of me, right? 224 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:18,600 All of which are wrong, obviously, but that's the point 225 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:21,440 is first identifying this right? And so that's why the first 226 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,120 thing was identify personal contingencies. 227 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:28,520 So looking at the study, just doing an overview, the objective 228 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:31,280 for them was to explore how self esteem is influenced by 229 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:34,480 successes and failures in domains where individuals have 230 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:38,800 staked their self worth. The methodology was that the 231 00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:41,400 authors reviewed existing literature to develop their 232 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:44,280 model focusing on how self esteem fluctuates based on 233 00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:47,120 personal contingencies. So they went through all the 234 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:50,520 research on self esteem and and self worth and then they 235 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:51,440 started. Actually. 236 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:56,880 Creating a rubric if you will. And and they just were looking 237 00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:01,160 for how does self esteem go up and down when we categorize 238 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:02,960 these variables and these variables were the 239 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:04,720 contingencies. When these contingencies are in 240 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,320 place, what happens with people's self worth? 241 00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:10,560 The findings The model suggests that individuals self esteem 242 00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:15,240 rises and falls in response to outcomes in specific domains 243 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,600 they deem important. It highlights the role of 244 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:20,600 contingencies of self worth in effect cognition, behavior, 245 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:23,760 regulation, social issues, and psychological vulnerabilities 246 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:27,960 like depression. So self worth is dramatically 247 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,480 impacted based on these contingencies is essentially 248 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,760 what they said. And the conclusion was that 249 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:36,360 understanding contingencies of self worth provides insights 250 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:39,920 into self esteem's role in various psychological processes 251 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,520 and social problems. The authors propose that some 252 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:45,880 individuals may possess non contingent self esteem, which is 253 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:49,920 less susceptible to fluctuations based on external outcomes. 254 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,680 And that's exactly why I want to help you figure out what your 255 00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:58,680 non contingent domains are for you personally listening to this 256 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,240 to help you develop more self worth. 257 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:06,360 What can we outline that is, you know, creates a higher regard of 258 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:10,440 self esteem and self worth because yourself worth is not 259 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:15,000 contingent on the domains that they found to be most important 260 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:18,520 and under the individuals, and I will categorize this as some of 261 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:23,400 these domains were just negative impacts in general. 262 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:30,080 If blank person is, you know, basing their self worth and 263 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:34,160 value on blank contingency for lack of better terms, they're 264 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:35,880 screwed. They're basically it's a it's a 265 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:38,320 no sum game. They're just not going to win. 266 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,760 It's not going to work out. That's never going to provide 267 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:43,400 self worth and value that you want. 268 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:46,200 And the reason is pretty simple. Some of the factors are 269 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,920 uncontrollable. Some of the factors are opinion 270 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:49,800 based, not fact based. Some of the opinion, the 271 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,480 factors. Rely on other individuals or 272 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,400 external factors you are not in control of again. 273 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,600 And I'm going to go over that at the end when we go through the 274 00:13:56,600 --> 00:14:00,040 four steps to help you fix this. But some of them actually did 275 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,600 provide. A greater level of self worth 276 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:06,040 and it wasn't it's in a way it is contingent on those factors, 277 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:12,200 but there's flexibility and, and a dynamic nature to that 278 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,560 contingency or that domain that allows them more freedom and. 279 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,520 It creates more diversity. So I'm going to get into that, 280 00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:21,840 but this is really, really, really important. 281 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:25,600 OK, now the the domains they study for this, these are the 282 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,120 domains that or the contingencies. 283 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,960 If you will. People's contingencies were all 284 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:35,800 regarded in these domains, OK. And so for example, if you know, 285 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,760 approval is the first one, so approval is the domain. 286 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:43,120 Well, approval in general isn't the thing because you could not 287 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,040 get to my approval and you could. 288 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:47,200 Not give a shit. You're like, I don't care. 289 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:50,720 It doesn't matter that you don't approve of me or my actions. 290 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:54,600 But if your father or your mother or your husband or your 291 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:58,360 wife or your coach or whatever your client is, you know, if 292 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:02,440 somebody important to you and, and somebody that like there's 293 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:06,080 this one person that their approval does matter and 294 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:09,320 dictates too much in your life. The problem with that is that it 295 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:10,200 is. So first of all, that's the 296 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,680 contingency. Approval is the domain. 297 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,760 And I'm overly explaining this 'cause I really want it to click 298 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:16,400 in your in your head and your mind. 299 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:20,200 So that you can take action and change approval is the domain. 300 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,960 Susie right. Or husband or coach or 301 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,800 influencer or teacher or somebody like the person itself. 302 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:33,040 That's the contingency. Approval is the domain and this 303 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:34,880 person is the contingency. OK. 304 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:38,560 Or this group that's huge, especially in youth. 305 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:42,520 Does this group approve of me? We see this especially true in 306 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,520 the world 'cause it's so divided in these like cliques in these 307 00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:46,800 groups. It's, it's pretty crazy and 308 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:51,040 there's so much predicated on approval, people will 309 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:52,760 dramatically change who they are. 310 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:54,720 They change their identity, they change their life goals, they 311 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,760 change their life actions. They change your environment, 312 00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,840 they change how they act, how they show up, their attitudes, 313 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:04,520 everything based on whether or not a specific social group 314 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:09,520 approves of them, right. So approval is the domain, the 315 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,320 group or the person is the contingency. 316 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:16,680 So I hope that makes sense. And this is so unbelievably 317 00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:21,880 important because we have to be able to look at these domains 318 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:27,040 and the contingencies we have within them and determine what 319 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:32,960 gives this thing person, you know, level of approval, domain 320 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,040 contingency, the right to determine myself worth. 321 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:41,000 Can we even validate it right? If somebody says they don't 322 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:45,440 approve of me, why is that? Is it because of something 323 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,800 actually truly wrong? Am I doing something wrong? 324 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,600 Or is it because of a judgement, an opinion they have or an 325 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,120 insecurity they have? So they're projecting their 326 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:57,040 insecurity onto US by putting us down and not approving of us so 327 00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:58,880 they feel better about themselves and now we have lower 328 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,640 self worth because of that? That doesn't make sense. 329 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:02,960 That's not OK. We can't do that. 330 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:07,520 That's not how it works. And This is why we have to 331 00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:09,200 really, really assess these things. 332 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:12,760 The other aspect is that we project our own insecurities and 333 00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:15,800 emotions. So somebody might everybody 334 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,440 listening to this because going to get this, this analogy, you, 335 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:22,599 you, for example, you send a text and somebody just sends you 336 00:17:22,599 --> 00:17:25,400 back, K or like likes the messages even better. 337 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:29,560 They just like the message and you're like, damn, they got an 338 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,320 issue. Is everything OK? 339 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:36,960 And you get this sense of disapproval, but maybe they're 340 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,640 just busy, maybe they're driving, they're trying to avoid 341 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:40,440 it, or maybe they're literally talking to text in their 342 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:44,880 dashboard, right? They're like Siri, like this 343 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:48,520 message. And that's what it does. 344 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,000 You know what I mean? Like, who knows? 345 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:54,600 Like we cannot determine our self worth or lower our own 346 00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:58,160 happiness and value based on the approval of others. 347 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:01,040 OK so these domains there is 7 of them. 348 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:03,400 Approval. Physical appearance 349 00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,520 outperforming others, academic competence, family love and 350 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,840 support, being a virtuous or moral person in religious faith 351 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:13,040 or God's love. These are the seven studied 352 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:18,880 domains that were in this research study as well as what 353 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,360 they were when they extrapolated from all these other research. 354 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,560 These are the categories that they kept getting back and 355 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:26,600 basically everybody in these in the studies and in the, in the 356 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,440 studies they looked at could be broken down into these. 357 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:32,080 Like when they saw fluctuations in their self esteem and self 358 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,520 worth, it was based on one of these domains. 359 00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:37,280 The contingencies within that that fluctuated their self 360 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:41,400 esteem and self worth were within these 7 domains, one of, 361 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:44,040 if not multiple. And so just to go through them 362 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,440 all real quick, approval is going to be the approval of 363 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,800 others and or a social group like I mentioned before. 364 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,920 That was the one I kind of started with as an example, 365 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,400 physical appearance is going to be obviously your physical 366 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,600 appearance. Now that can be the physical 367 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:59,400 appearance based on your role. This can be misconstrued too, 368 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:03,440 because in some ways it's not about and I'm going to get into 369 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,920 this more at the end when it's about application. 370 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:08,200 But you know, if you've been a long time listener, if you've 371 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:10,840 been following me for a while, I've said multiple times that 372 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:13,000 trainers need to be fit. Trainers need to look like 373 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,480 trainers. If you're a strength coach, if 374 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,720 you're a trainer, if you're a health coach, nutritionist and 375 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,240 you are helping people with their health, you better be 376 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:20,800 healthy. If you were helping people lose 377 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:23,480 weight, you better be lean. If you are helping people get 378 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:25,080 stronger, you better be pretty strong yourself. 379 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,200 You don't need to be the strongest guy in the world, guy 380 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:28,920 or gal. You don't need to be the leanest 381 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:31,400 guy or gal in the world. You just need to be relatively 382 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:34,920 healthy and relatively lean. You need to be like approval on 383 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:38,280 your own standards, right? And this is just a, this is more 384 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:43,160 of a moral code because you took on a responsibility right now 385 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:47,920 for everybody else. You do not need the approval of 386 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,920 others to be the way you are, right? 387 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,240 Like if there's one good thing that can come out of body 388 00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:58,040 positivity, that's it Is just accepting where you're at now 389 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,080 the problem with most body positivity? 390 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,840 Things or gurus or people, influencers out there is that 391 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:05,800 they tell you to accept where you're at and not change it. 392 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,440 Don't change where you're at because you should love 393 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,000 yourself. No, you should accept where 394 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:10,120 you're at and you shouldn't shame yourself. 395 00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:11,480 But then you should change yourself because if you're 396 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,320 overweight, you're unhealthy, right? 397 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:17,240 And so I say this because with physical appearance, there's an 398 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:24,080 aspect that you should focus on your own standards and physical 399 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:26,080 appearance and approval, not the approval. 400 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,200 Others not how lean do they think I need to be? 401 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:30,760 How lean do I need to be? Not how healthy they think I 402 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,520 need to be. How healthy do I need to be? 403 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,240 How healthy do I want to be? How lean do I want to be? 404 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:40,600 How do I want to live in this body, right approval, physical 405 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,200 appearance, outperforming others. 406 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,480 Outperforming others is going to be again a know some game. 407 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:48,880 Because now you're basing it off of negative aspects for them. 408 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,280 Because if I outperform others, that's good for me, bad for 409 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,480 them. There's a competitive nature in 410 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:56,800 life that is good. Because if I can correlate 411 00:20:57,360 --> 00:21:01,320 winning and competing with me getting better, me accomplishing 412 00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:04,920 my goal, that's good. But in this research, a lot of 413 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:08,640 this is outperforming others, meaning I want them to lose so 414 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:11,600 that I'm highlighted. That's ridiculous, right? 415 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,840 That's not going to help people develop self esteem. 416 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:17,000 It's actually in a very empty level of fulfillment. 417 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,960 There's no fulfillment. It's a very empty sense of, of 418 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:23,680 accomplishment, academic competence. 419 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,560 This is the you're basing yourself worth off of your test 420 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:30,080 scores, off the grades you get off of how your teachers help 421 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:32,000 you, how many certifications you have, so on and so forth. 422 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:35,000 And, you know, the reality is, is again, it's just not, you 423 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:38,240 know, this is a completely different discussion, but I 424 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:42,240 think it's, it's no common, you know, it's not a uncommon 425 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,480 thought to say that the public school system is probably not 426 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,240 the best anymore. You know, and a good way to 427 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,080 think of that too is I heard this the other day and I was 428 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:50,240 like, Dang, I never thought about it like that. 429 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,640 You know, in high school you have to learn like Spanish or 430 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:56,440 sign language or something like that. 431 00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:59,080 I don't know about you, but I don't remember anything. 432 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:03,240 I took Spanish two years in a row, didn't get good grade, but 433 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,000 then less. I don't remember any of it at 434 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:10,000 all. So like, you know, algebra, I'd 435 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,320 have to really sit there and figure out how to do algebra if 436 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:14,200 anybody took calculate, like, do you remember? 437 00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:19,240 So I say that because the grade I got in algebra didn't 438 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:22,720 determine myself worth or value because it didn't do anything 439 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:24,880 for me to create self worth and value in my life. 440 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,280 It didn't, it didn't, you know, provide meaning in my life. 441 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:30,720 So, you know, academic competence is, is not going to 442 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,200 provide you with anything because ultimately it it's a 443 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:39,640 again, it's an empty achievement or goal based on a system that 444 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,200 you know, is arguably not correct. 445 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:45,560 But even then, it's a system that's not yours, so you can't 446 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:48,520 base your value and worth off of a system that's not yours. 447 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:54,320 Family love and support. This is one that I think has a 448 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,200 good and a bad side. But family love and support is 449 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:59,760 just being, you know, your worth is based on your family love and 450 00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:00,920 support. And, and I'm going to talk about 451 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:02,480 this later, but finding the proof and finding the facts 452 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:06,200 because if you know you grew up or currently have like a 453 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:09,920 troubled family and there's evidence of that, you can't base 454 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:14,240 yourself worth off of the love and support of a family that it 455 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:19,160 is not, it's not a good place. It's not a good person. 456 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,400 Like you said of people like it sounds really rough and I'm not 457 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:22,880 really in a place to discuss this kind of thing. 458 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:25,560 I'm not a family therapist or anything, but you get the point. 459 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:29,880 You can't base yourself love, worth, value and esteem off of 460 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:34,800 the love and value others are giving you if those other people 461 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:37,760 don't also have their own self worth and value at a high level. 462 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:39,120 Right. Hope that makes sense for 463 00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:40,840 people. But the on the flip side, 464 00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:44,520 there's a lot of very, very happy, meaningful, passionate, 465 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:48,040 loving, supporting families and that can add to yourself worth 466 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:49,480 because that's meaningful to you. 467 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:53,240 So if their love is meaningful to you because you aspire to be 468 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:56,000 someone who is similar to your parents or your family, 469 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,760 whatever, then that's I think there is some positives in that 470 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:02,240 right. Being a virtuous or moral 471 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:04,240 person. This is this is probably the 472 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:07,560 last two tend to be in the research shown as the most 473 00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:12,120 beneficial and the most likely to have a wide range of dynamic 474 00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:15,960 and flexible a lot of flexibility within it so that 475 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:18,600 you can accomplish a higher level of self worth, value and 476 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:20,840 esteem. If you are focused on being a 477 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:24,280 virtuous immoral person, and the reason for that is because you 478 00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:28,520 are developing you, you cannot become in your head. 479 00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:31,800 You cannot become a virtuous or moral person if you are not 480 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:37,440 living by a moral code, which means that you have standards in 481 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:41,280 your life. You cannot develop and become a 482 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:45,160 virtuous person if you don't have virtues and core values in 483 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:47,200 your life. Those provide meaning that are 484 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:50,440 non extrinsic, non materialistic, non status 485 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:52,240 related. It's a really good thing and 486 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,520 also you are creating meeting in other people's life because 487 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:57,480 everything you do in order to become more of a moral and 488 00:24:57,480 --> 00:25:01,360 virtuous person, it 99% of time is going to be involving helping 489 00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:03,560 others and growth and development as a human. 490 00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:07,000 So this is one that I do think helps a lot. 491 00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:10,880 And when we attach our self esteem more closely to becoming 492 00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:15,440 a virtuous or moral person, it's going to be better off because 493 00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:19,360 there, there's a lot of range in this and also there's no cap to 494 00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:21,440 it. There's no define like what is a 495 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,000 virtuous person? What is a moral person? 496 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:28,120 The only way you can actually define it by like a one word 497 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:31,480 statement or a definitive word or explanation is to say that 498 00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:33,800 it's a good human being. That's it. 499 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:37,880 So, so it's a great way because the bar is just up. 500 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:40,160 It's not like a set thing. It's just better than you are 501 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:42,880 right now. And it's a constant and it's a 502 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,840 continuous process. And when you have a continuous 503 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:49,160 process that is leading to more growth, you are going to have a 504 00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:51,040 higher and higher level of self esteem and self worth. 505 00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,400 And then the last one is religious faith in God's love. 506 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:56,880 And this is also very, very synonymous with being a virtuous 507 00:25:56,880 --> 00:26:00,720 or a moral person because at the end of the day, it's, it's a bar 508 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,440 that really can't be met. And it's not supposed to be. 509 00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:06,200 It's, it's just being better. That's why you know, there's a 510 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:09,320 lot to talk about grace inside of having faith because being a 511 00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:11,920 virtuous person, being a moral person, having religious faith 512 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:14,800 or, or accomplishing God's love. All those things are really just 513 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:18,280 a continuous journey that you can reflect. 514 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:21,760 You know, failing and doing the wrong thing isn't always like 515 00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:24,400 there's limits to this, obviously, but doing, you know, 516 00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:27,280 screwing up every once in a while or, or not being your best 517 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:30,080 is it's, it's acceptable. You have grace for that, you are 518 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:33,080 forgiven, and then you can get better because of it because 519 00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:34,000 you're learning. And then you. 520 00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:37,280 In fact, one of the best ways to become more virtuous and moral 521 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:40,400 is to fail, learn, and then use the lesson you learn from 522 00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:44,400 failure to succeed. Because wisdom is basically 523 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:48,200 knowledge from what you have learned through failures. 524 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:51,880 If you read any kind of Stoic quote or parable, proverb, 525 00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:54,480 things like that, it is almost always going to be based on 526 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,640 things that you should avoid. Avoid this. 527 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:00,240 Don't do this. Like skip this. 528 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:03,800 Like try to avoid this and stop this because it is based on. 529 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:05,200 I. Failed. 530 00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:08,560 Here's the lesson. Avoid this at all costs now, so 531 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:10,560 you don't have to learn the hard way too. 532 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:13,680 OK, so approval, physical appearance, outperforming 533 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:17,240 others, academic competence, value or sorry, family love and 534 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:20,560 support, being a virtuous person or moral person and religious 535 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:23,200 faith or God's love. So those are the study domains. 536 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:26,000 Now again, we're going to, you know, summarize this these 537 00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,640 domains and we're going to summarize the study and then 538 00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:30,200 we're going to, you know, go over what does this mean? 539 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:32,680 And then just practically apply it with four simple steps. 540 00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:35,160 So the summary is pretty simple. And 1st we let's define it 541 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:37,080 again. Self esteem is your confidence 542 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:40,600 in your own worth or abilities, and it can be synonymous and 543 00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:42,000 really parallel with self respect. 544 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:45,840 Self esteem and this is the summary of of the the you know 545 00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:49,000 what I boiled that study and everything into in a couple 546 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:53,760 quick things statements. Self esteem lies in what people 547 00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:58,000 believe they need to be or do to have worth as a person. 548 00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:01,640 These contingencies of self worth are both sources of 549 00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:04,960 motivation and areas of psychological vulnerability. 550 00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:09,480 Meaning if you have psychological vulnerability 551 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:13,440 because you have a contingency for yourself worth, then that is 552 00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:17,480 a very vulnerable place to be in because you are going to lead to 553 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:20,440 a place of anxiety, depression, stress, overwhelm, low self 554 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:23,800 worth. If we want a high sense of self 555 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:26,480 esteem, a high sense of self worth, self love, self 556 00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:32,080 acceptance, self respect, we cannot have predefined 557 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:35,000 contingencies on what gives us that. 558 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:38,600 We are going to be chasing things to create self worth that 559 00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:42,920 are extrinsic to what matters to us, extrinsic from the inside. 560 00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:47,760 We need intrinsic morals, values, standards, goals that we 561 00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:51,240 can chase and become better from and in the process of becoming 562 00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:55,280 better, reflect and then gather our self esteem from these these 563 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:59,480 non contingent areas of life getting better. 564 00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:02,640 It means I'm a good person. It means I'm constantly chasing 565 00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:05,680 improvement. It's not I got an A on this 566 00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:07,720 test. I made this much on my paycheck. 567 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,240 I have this many followers, I lost this much weight. 568 00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:13,120 Those things don't define you and therefore they will not give 569 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:15,720 you self worth and self value. And that's why a lot of times 570 00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:19,680 when people chase weight loss on the scale and they finally hit 571 00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:22,840 that number and they're like, oh, I'm still not happy. 572 00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:27,640 They're shocked. But the reality is, if you would 573 00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:30,720 have reflected along the way and been more focused on, yes, 574 00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:33,800 losing weight and getting to your goal, but more focused on 575 00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:37,160 the process that led you there. And extrapolating all the things 576 00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:40,040 you learned along the way. The person you became along the 577 00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:43,920 way, the values you gathered, the standards you set for 578 00:29:43,920 --> 00:29:48,160 yourself, the proof you have of accomplishing goals and taking 579 00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:50,520 actions beyond what you used to believe you could do. 580 00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:53,040 That's what creates a higher level of self worth. 581 00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:58,520 That's what provides confidence. This is a shocking fact, but 582 00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:04,720 the, the risk of, of committing suicide dramatically increases 583 00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:07,160 after gastric by gastric surgery. 584 00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:08,880 So I, I believe it's gastric surgery. 585 00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:12,720 It's a weight loss surgery. The band, when the gastric 586 00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:16,600 sleeve is put on there is, I mean, obviously a lot is going 587 00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:18,200 on physiologically, but essentially when we have this 588 00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:20,600 weight loss surgery and we have a gastric sleeve put on, what 589 00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:21,920 we're doing is shrinking the stomach, right? 590 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:23,720 And so we have less room for food. 591 00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:25,560 So it's not only like you don't really want to eat because 592 00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:27,760 you're not hungry because those signals aren't being sent to 593 00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:30,800 your brain, but you literally can't because you can't put any 594 00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:34,120 more food in there, right? And This is why weight loss is 595 00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:35,880 accomplished. It forces you into a calorie 596 00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:36,640 deficit. Literally. 597 00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:39,960 The problem is, is that we take people who have had years and 598 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:43,760 years, potentially decades and decades of using food as a 599 00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:46,840 coping mechanism and we remove their ability to eat it. 600 00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:51,360 So what we also did, yes, they lost weight, maybe got healthier 601 00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:55,800 because of it, but what we also did is we removed their coping 602 00:30:55,800 --> 00:31:00,360 mechanism for stress, anxiety, overwhelm, depression, sadness, 603 00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:03,640 anger, and now they don't know how to cope. 604 00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:09,640 And so really think about this. If people who get gastric sleeve 605 00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:12,680 surgery, shrinking their stomach, being able to eat less, 606 00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:16,480 are more likely to commit suicide later on in life, it's 607 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:18,080 likely. There's no definitive answer 608 00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:21,800 here, but it's very likely that the reason for this is because 609 00:31:22,040 --> 00:31:27,120 they have essentially been forced to remove their coping 610 00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:29,800 mechanism. Their coping mechanism for 611 00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:33,360 stress and overwhelm and emotional states of being have 612 00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:35,440 been has been removed and they don't know how to cope with the 613 00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:39,880 feelings they're having. But if we diet and we train and 614 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:43,680 we do cardio and we slowly lose weight over time, we literally 615 00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:47,280 develop new coping mechanisms that help us create endorphins 616 00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:49,800 for happiness. They help us create coping 617 00:31:49,800 --> 00:31:53,520 mechanism for sadness and for emotional states that we are not 618 00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:55,040 ready to handle. Because you're still going to 619 00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:57,560 screw up and and overeat during the process of dieting. 620 00:31:57,560 --> 00:31:58,840 That's part of it. You're going to screw up and 621 00:31:58,840 --> 00:32:00,960 you're going to learn. But over months and months and 622 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:03,520 months and months of trying to lose weight, you will eventually 623 00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:06,040 have new coping strategies because you learn new habits, 624 00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:08,280 new practices, new tools. You got accountability. 625 00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:11,760 But somebody with a gastric sleeve is basically we're just 626 00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:13,560 ripping those coping strategies right away. 627 00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:16,800 I found that study like I find that fact like that statistic 628 00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:19,960 just so crazy and it's so obvious why this is just like 629 00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:22,960 people don't zoom out and think of why you should not get weight 630 00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:25,400 loss surgery. This is why there's. 631 00:32:25,400 --> 00:32:28,840 More to weight loss than just losing weight, weight loss is a 632 00:32:28,840 --> 00:32:32,080 journey that provides you with traits, characteristics, coping 633 00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:36,760 mechanisms, tools, practices, habitats, life strategies so 634 00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:42,680 much that leads to not just success, but new ways of dealing 635 00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:44,800 with the stresses that life's going to throw at you. 636 00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:49,840 And if somebody doesn't have anything but food in order to 637 00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:53,560 deal with life and the stress that comes along with it. 638 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:55,800 And you remove that from them, what do you expect to happen? 639 00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:58,160 All right, I'm going to get off my soapboxes. 640 00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:01,400 That's it's a touchy subject, but it just hits me hard. 641 00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:04,720 So my summary that was supposed to be quick. 642 00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:07,240 These contingencies are self worth of self worth are both 643 00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:09,200 sources of motivation in areas of vulnerability. 644 00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:11,480 And I just explained why. These are psychological 645 00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:13,960 vulnerabilities in a very extreme way. 646 00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:17,040 But in domains of contingent self worth, people pursue self 647 00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:19,720 esteem by attempting to validate their abilities and qualities. 648 00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:24,560 This pursuit of self esteem has cost to learning, relationships, 649 00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:27,040 autonomy, self regulation in both mental and physical health. 650 00:33:27,320 --> 00:33:30,680 So we need a great change. So what's this mean? 651 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:32,880 It means we need to find a different way of achieving and 652 00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:36,920 possessing higher levels of self esteem, self worth and self 653 00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:38,920 respect. Ways that don't rely on other 654 00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:42,600 people, ways that don't rely on potential uncontrollable 655 00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:47,720 factors, and ways that don't rely on potentially non factual 656 00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:50,760 opinions. OK, we need to rely on facts, 657 00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:55,360 proof, and we need to find a way that we can essentially define 658 00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:59,560 what leads to having a greater sense of self worth, OK. 659 00:33:59,960 --> 00:34:02,880 And so if we look at that, that list of seven and we kind of 660 00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:06,880 expanded, there's even more things that can impact your self 661 00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:08,280 esteem and self worth that you need to be aware of. 662 00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:09,840 OK. And so I'm going to read these 663 00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:11,800 kind of slow because just in case you can write them down. 664 00:34:11,840 --> 00:34:14,280 If you're driving, don't stop. Well, you can stop if you want, 665 00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:15,360 but don't try to write and drive. 666 00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:21,840 Core beliefs and values, thoughts and feelings, emotions 667 00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:25,719 and mental well-being, Experiences and interactions 668 00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:29,040 with others. Relationships both past and 669 00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:31,440 present. Health and physical fitness, 670 00:34:31,840 --> 00:34:34,960 Career and profession, activities and hobbies, 671 00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:39,199 Community and social status, Financial position, physical 672 00:34:39,199 --> 00:34:41,239 appearance and childhood experiences. 673 00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:44,719 So on top of the seven that I listed before, which were 674 00:34:44,719 --> 00:34:48,040 approval, physical appearance, outperforming others, academic 675 00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:50,639 competence, family love and support, being a virtuous or 676 00:34:50,639 --> 00:34:53,679 moral person in religious faith or God's love, which are the 677 00:34:54,159 --> 00:34:56,880 primary domains. Some of these other categories 678 00:34:56,880 --> 00:35:00,240 that I listed fit into those domains and also these are the 679 00:35:00,240 --> 00:35:04,520 most common of all. There is just an expanded list 680 00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:06,600 that I wanted to put here because there's a lot of things 681 00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:09,080 that can impact our self esteem and self worth. 682 00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:12,320 OK, so the, the four steps are really simple here. 683 00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:14,240 So the first one, I said them at the very beginning. 684 00:35:14,240 --> 00:35:16,800 And so the first one is identify personal contingencies. 685 00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:20,800 And in order to identify your personal contingencies, I think 686 00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:23,360 the, you know, like I said, there's these, there's these 687 00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:25,360 domains and you can start looking through these domains. 688 00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:27,640 If you're a very self aware person, you have a lot of 689 00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:31,200 practice with coaching and therapy or mindset work, then 690 00:35:31,240 --> 00:35:33,440 you can definitely just take those domains and just start 691 00:35:33,440 --> 00:35:35,680 reading into it and really journaling and meditating and 692 00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:38,600 trying to figure out where within these domains do you find 693 00:35:38,800 --> 00:35:41,880 the contingencies in your life. But you can also just ask 694 00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:45,320 yourself these four questions. OK, so questions to ask yourself 695 00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:48,720 in order to identify your personal contingencies #1 how 696 00:35:48,720 --> 00:35:51,720 much do you like, respect and value yourself? 697 00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:56,320 That is a hard one to answer, but you need to answer it. 698 00:35:57,120 --> 00:36:01,080 Which words would you use to describe yourself to a stranger 699 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:06,520 when you self reflect and think about yourself? 700 00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:09,960 Are your thoughts generally positive, negative or somewhere 701 00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:13,160 in between? And do you believe you are 702 00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:16,720 worthy of others love, respect and consideration? 703 00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:22,200 So most important part about this right now that we've 704 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:24,200 identified personal contingencies through asking 705 00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:26,400 yourself these questions, how much do you like yourself? 706 00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:28,440 Basically like respect or value yourself. 707 00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:30,640 How would you describe yourself to a stranger? 708 00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:33,760 When you reflect? Are your thoughts about yourself 709 00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:35,800 generally positive, negative, or somewhere in between? 710 00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:38,360 And do you believe you are worthy of others love, respect 711 00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:40,800 and consideration? We need to move into Step 2, 712 00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:44,960 which is to develop non contingent self esteem. 713 00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:47,280 OK. And so this is where we create 714 00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:49,680 proof. We need to develop new ways that 715 00:36:49,680 --> 00:36:51,320 determine our self worth. Because based on those 716 00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:54,480 questions, you're most likely fitting into the categories of 717 00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:57,560 some of these contingencies that lie within these domains that 718 00:36:57,560 --> 00:36:59,600 are determining yourself worth and whether you know it's right 719 00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:00,240 or wrong. Right? 720 00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:03,480 We can sit here and say, Nah, like that's not OK for I can't 721 00:37:03,760 --> 00:37:06,840 determine my value and self worth based on the opinions of 722 00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:08,160 others or the approval of others. 723 00:37:08,320 --> 00:37:11,320 But you do it. So if you're doing it, that's 724 00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:16,160 the problem. If you generally feel less 725 00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:20,040 worthy when somebody doesn't approve of you, that's a bad 726 00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:22,520 sign. You can respect somebody's 727 00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:23,840 opinion. You can't let that dictate. 728 00:37:23,840 --> 00:37:25,360 You can be upset. They can be like, man, I really 729 00:37:25,360 --> 00:37:28,000 wish that they did approve me, but you cannot let it dictate 730 00:37:28,520 --> 00:37:31,760 yourself worth great proof. OK, so number one, with all 731 00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:35,080 these questions, the answer needs to be hell yes. 732 00:37:35,080 --> 00:37:36,760 Like if we want to seek a hell yes. 733 00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:39,800 OK, so if anything was not a hell yes in any of those four 734 00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:42,960 questions, you need to ask yourself why without judgement. 735 00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:45,600 So why are you not answering hell yes? 736 00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:47,120 And when I say hell yes, think about it like this. 737 00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:50,280 How much do you like, respect and value yourself? 738 00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:53,400 Hell yes, a lot. Which words would you use to 739 00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:56,440 describe yourself to a stranger? Hell yes isn't a good 740 00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:58,160 description of yourself, but you get the point. 741 00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:02,880 When you reflect and think about yourself thoughts, are they 742 00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:04,600 generally positive, negative, or somewhere in between? 743 00:38:04,720 --> 00:38:06,960 Positive and I would say hella positive let's say. 744 00:38:07,800 --> 00:38:10,040 Do you believe you are worthy of others? 745 00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:12,760 Hell yes right. So it's it's hell yes. 746 00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:15,200 Is is is a generalized. Vibe. 747 00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:19,880 Let's say to answer these questions, then you know you 748 00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:21,200 have to answer. You have to answer them. 749 00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:23,400 And if they're not a hell yes, if they're not a very positive 750 00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:26,120 answer, you need to ask yourself why without judging yourself, 751 00:38:26,240 --> 00:38:28,160 because it's very normal. Then you need to remove the 752 00:38:28,160 --> 00:38:31,200 false narrative and contingency that you are placing on yourself 753 00:38:31,720 --> 00:38:34,840 worth and you need to go create proof by getting the result that 754 00:38:34,840 --> 00:38:38,360 will create more self worth. OK, so if we remove the false 755 00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:41,080 narrative, which would be like my physical appearance needs to 756 00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:42,040 be this way. Why? 757 00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:45,400 Because this person believes that or this group of people 758 00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:48,880 only accept those who look like this or this person on social 759 00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:51,360 media that I follow says that you need to be this way. 760 00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:55,080 You need to remove that statement, that fact that that 761 00:38:55,080 --> 00:38:57,840 opinion and that false narrative in your head and you need to 762 00:38:57,840 --> 00:38:59,360 then go create the proof and the proof is. 763 00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:02,960 Going to be what you think. Because maybe it's somewhere in 764 00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:05,880 between, right? Maybe you are 40 lbs overweight 765 00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:09,000 and you're feeling judged and you are lowering yourself worth 766 00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:12,040 based on the opinions of others and how lean you should be, but 767 00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:15,280 you also don't agree with their opinion, but you also don't 768 00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:16,600 think you should live 40 lbs heavier. 769 00:39:16,760 --> 00:39:21,640 OK, we'll meet in the middle. Remove the false narrative and, 770 00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:25,000 and really figure out what matters to you and then go 771 00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:27,320 create the proof. Because what I don't want people 772 00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:29,880 to do is remove all the false narratives and then not go do 773 00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:32,080 the work to create what is actually going to give themself 774 00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:35,960 worth or value, right? This is a, there's two sides of 775 00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:37,040 this. There's the side of this that 776 00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:40,200 gives you grace and it feels good and we're like showing 777 00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:41,720 ourselves love. And then there's a side that's 778 00:39:41,720 --> 00:39:45,200 like, get busy and get to work. Don't make excuses. 779 00:39:45,240 --> 00:39:51,320 OK, so that's step three or two. Sorry, Step 3 is going to be 780 00:39:51,320 --> 00:39:53,560 diversifying sources of self worth. 781 00:39:53,800 --> 00:39:56,560 We can't rely on solely one domain, right? 782 00:39:56,560 --> 00:39:59,040 And so remember the domains approval, physical appearance, 783 00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:01,440 outperforming others, academic competence, value, love and 784 00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:04,240 support, being a virtuous and moral person, religious faith or 785 00:40:04,240 --> 00:40:06,240 God's love. If we look at all seven of these 786 00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:09,720 and you're all in on approval, everything about yourself worth 787 00:40:09,720 --> 00:40:11,680 is based on the approval of others, that's an issue. 788 00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:14,920 If everything is based on being a virtuous person, that's an 789 00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:18,920 issue. Right, because your virtue 790 00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:24,200 signalling or your definition of moral might not actually be 791 00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:27,720 aligned with the people in your family who love and support you 792 00:40:27,720 --> 00:40:32,960 or with God or with, you know, the academic goals that you've 793 00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:35,640 set or the career professional goals that you set, right. 794 00:40:35,640 --> 00:40:40,880 And so don't rely on one domain. You should not be completely 795 00:40:40,880 --> 00:40:45,040 neglecting if, if you know, 20 out of 20 people don't approve 796 00:40:45,040 --> 00:40:48,280 of how you're being, you're probably not being a very 797 00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:50,240 virtuous or moral person. You're probably not being a good 798 00:40:50,240 --> 00:40:51,360 human being. You're not showing love, you're 799 00:40:51,360 --> 00:40:52,800 not showing support. You're definitely not 800 00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:55,640 outperforming anybody. You're not being competent with 801 00:40:55,640 --> 00:40:57,600 your work environment, with your, with your schooling, 802 00:40:57,600 --> 00:41:00,400 whatever you're in, right. So we have to look at all these 803 00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:02,440 and like, am I generally approved by people? 804 00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:03,240 Yes. OK, cool. 805 00:41:03,240 --> 00:41:06,600 Then I don't need to rely all on approval of others or even one 806 00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:08,640 person. If generally people approve me 807 00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:11,320 because I'm a good human, Am I healthy and do I look good? 808 00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:14,720 Do I feel confident if I remove the judgements of others or or 809 00:41:15,120 --> 00:41:18,120 these images that I assume I'm supposed to look like, yes, OK, 810 00:41:18,280 --> 00:41:20,200 physical appearance check we're good, right? 811 00:41:20,200 --> 00:41:22,640 So diversify your sources of self worth. 812 00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:24,120 They can't all come from one place. 813 00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:26,240 That's the most dangerous and vulnerable place you can be in 814 00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:29,080 is if all yourself worth and self esteem is wrapped up into 815 00:41:29,080 --> 00:41:32,320 one thing, right? Especially if you accomplish 816 00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:34,640 that thing because you're not going to be happy and then it 817 00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:35,680 just comes shattering down on you. 818 00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:38,600 And then the last thing, Step 4 is set intrinsic goals. 819 00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:41,960 This is, you know, setting standards for each domain. 820 00:41:42,360 --> 00:41:47,600 And so if we go back to when I said the IDD, identify personal 821 00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:51,720 contingencies, diversify self sources of self worth, develop 822 00:41:51,720 --> 00:41:54,320 non contingent self esteem, which I just covered, and then 823 00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:56,800 determine and achieve intrinsic goals. 824 00:41:57,240 --> 00:42:00,200 So we want to determine and achieve intrinsic goals. 825 00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:02,080 And I say achieve because when you achieve it, you have the 826 00:42:02,080 --> 00:42:05,120 proof. When you determine the goal, it 827 00:42:05,120 --> 00:42:08,480 sets you in a direction, right? Again, if we have the domains of 828 00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:11,240 approval, physical appearance, outperforming others, academic 829 00:42:11,240 --> 00:42:13,720 competence or I would say professional competence and 830 00:42:13,720 --> 00:42:16,480 growth, family love and support, being a virtuous moral person in 831 00:42:16,480 --> 00:42:19,280 God's love, like we have all these domains. 832 00:42:19,640 --> 00:42:21,320 We need to set a goal cuz it points us in the right 833 00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:23,440 direction. Because just going in the right 834 00:42:23,440 --> 00:42:26,400 direction and working on ourselves develops more self 835 00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:28,760 worth because we see ourselves getting better and we see 836 00:42:28,760 --> 00:42:31,360 ourselves accepting where we're at and embarking on the 837 00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:33,800 challenge, choosing hard and deciding to grow. 838 00:42:34,080 --> 00:42:38,040 That increases self worth. If you just do one thing and you 839 00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:40,160 just decide that you're going to head in the right direction and 840 00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:42,160 you're going to work on yourself, you will immediately 841 00:42:42,160 --> 00:42:44,640 improve yourself, worth and value as a human being. 842 00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:47,880 I promise. Then we want to achieve the 843 00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:49,920 thing. We don't want to just determine 844 00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:51,280 what our goal is and the path we're going to take. 845 00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:53,040 We want to achieve stuff. Because once you achieve it, 846 00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:55,840 that's how you have proof that you are capable. 847 00:42:55,840 --> 00:42:58,920 And when you are capable, you gain more self respect, plain 848 00:42:58,920 --> 00:43:00,440 and simple. And you gain more self belief, 849 00:43:00,440 --> 00:43:03,760 which allows you way more confidence, gives you way more 850 00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:06,040 confidence and motivation to set the next goal and keep moving 851 00:43:06,040 --> 00:43:08,200 forward because self belief is literally confidence to keep 852 00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:11,800 swinging and taking action. OK so really really simple here 853 00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:14,920 guys. Number one identify personal 854 00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:19,920 contingencies #2 develop non contingent self esteem 3 855 00:43:20,080 --> 00:43:24,120 diversify sources of self worth and #4 determine and achieve 856 00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:25,360 intrinsic. Goals. 857 00:43:25,360 --> 00:43:27,080 These are intrinsic goals because they are goals that 858 00:43:27,080 --> 00:43:29,560 matter to you internally. They're not based on others. 859 00:43:31,040 --> 00:43:34,400 Self esteem and self worth is at an all time low in the world and 860 00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:37,360 there's a lot of reasons for it. But I hope and Bray, that this 861 00:43:37,360 --> 00:43:40,520 podcast gave you just a snapshot of what research shows to give 862 00:43:40,520 --> 00:43:43,760 you proof of what the facts are and what actually works to 863 00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:46,680 improve yourself worth and esteem and the practical 864 00:43:46,680 --> 00:43:48,120 application. So you can just take it, you can 865 00:43:48,120 --> 00:43:50,840 run with it, and you can do it. I really hope you enjoyed this 866 00:43:50,840 --> 00:43:52,360 podcast. If you did, please leave us a 867 00:43:52,360 --> 00:43:55,040 five star rating review. It helps us so much more than 868 00:43:55,040 --> 00:43:56,640 you know. And go share this with a friend 869 00:43:56,720 --> 00:43:59,840 who needs help in this domain, in this category as well. 870 00:44:00,120 --> 00:44:02,160 I appreciate you guys. Listening, I'll catch you next 871 00:44:02,160 --> 00:44:02,360 time.