Hey, welcome to the Good Girls podcast, and today we're talking
about love. Languages.
Usual disclaimer, if you are driving with your father-in-law,
you might want to turn it off because even those love
languages and that sounds soft, we might accidentally say some
things that you're uncomfortable hearing.
Some people's love language is a deep digging.
And if you have a daddy kink and you're driving with your
father-in-law to fulfill your daddy kink, then you know what?
Continue listening. Maybe you'll learn.
Wait. I'm sorry, good girls.
Can I just take a quick deviation here that if you are
wondering why Kay always begins the podcast by warning you about
your father-in-law being in the car.
Not that she has a kink for her actual father-in-law, but she
does have a. Real life daddy kink.
Figurative father-in-law kink because because this is the kind
of relationship we have. She sent me one of her favorite
pornos and it is a daddy in law, a kind of situation where she
cheated. You've ever seen Stephen St.
Qua, a male porn star and his little boomerang Penny.
Then you understand that it's not really a father-in-law
thing, it's something about. Stephen St.
Yeah, he's just the way. That he runs the Yeah, he runs a
room. He's got little man boobies.
He's great. OK, you and you hyped up the Man
movies. I was picturing somebody with a
way more doughy physique. I mean his is a is a highly
curved penis, but other than that I think he's very
attractive for his age. He's got the nice like gruff,
like I'm in charge here and I'm going to show you what you're
worth. Anyway, so that if that hasn't
significant, if that has not scared off everybody who was
listening to this with you, let's jump in and talk about
love languages. Woo Hoo.
So want to start off before we get heavily into love languages
with this amazing study by Heyman and colleagues.
Published in 2010, journal Family Psychology looked at 453
couples with a child aged 3 to 7 and surveyed them on the areas
of desired change in their partners.
And they found women, compared with men, wanted greater
increases in their partners, emotional and compassionate
behaviors and, no surprise, instrumental support.
So support around the household and parenting involvement.
And men wanted more sex, more sex.
They wanted more attention to their sexual needs.
They wanted more sexual relationships.
You know, men, I just have a little cheat code here.
Maybe if you help the woman with those other things, then they
would want more sex with you. Yeah.
This really so our favorite place to do research besides
scholarly articles is Reddit. And so I was skimming through
kind of people who had previously posted the question
of what is your love language and just the number of men who
answered it. Blowjobs.
Yeah. And yeah, you're wondering why
your wife doesn't give you more blowjobs, man.
Here is a reason why. So SJ lead us into what are the
five love languages? All right, Well, actually I
would like to start with a little bit of background about
the book. This is an interesting one
because I think that this has become such a pop culture
phenomenon and the number of people who talk about love
languages, especially just like how much it's become a meme now,
right? Like people are like, my love
language is bagels, my love language is cat pictures.
Versus the number of people who have read this book.
In this case, I would actually say that that's probably a good
thing. The book is utter trash.
And I don't know. OK, Have you?
What is your experience with the love languages beyond Internet
memes? So I don't want to put up this
episode because I still think it's very, very worthwhile
discussing and it provides a nice framework to think about
things. But I think that the science of
the love languages and the idea that you only have one love
language and then you need to make sure your partner matches
up with you is da da, da, da trash.
And that's partially because Gary does trash, trash.
He is a PhD of adult education. So he does.
From like a seminary, and this is somebody with a seminary
degree like I do not, that does not make me qualified to be a
couples counselor. I think that the love languages
are still highly useful to explore because they kind of
provide a framework for talking about things that you're feeling
or lacking with your partner and all these different.
So I want to say that they're trash, but I also want to say
that I'm excited to talk about them.
You and I feel exactly the same way.
So we can eliminate the debate portion of our of our agenda for
today. I feel very much the same way.
I think that it sparks a helpful conversation.
We've even had this conversation in my own marriage.
I don't think that we have to be limited to Gary Chapman's 5
languages which we will get into are very arbitrary and also
somewhat overlapping. And also, yeah, if your if your
knowledge of it came from the book and not just random one
line Internet posts, first of all, you wasted a lot of time
because you can learn basically all the concepts you need to.
And I would say like half a podcast.
So we'll spend less than half of the podcast today talking about
what they're actually about and then spend the rest of the
podcast either trashing the book or talking about how we apply
this in our own lives. The basic take away is to just
communicate and pay attention to the way that other people
receive love. And I think that that's one
helpful take away from the book is that the book is really about
paying attention to what your partner's love language is.
Where is like the Internet mimification version is people
saying like my love language is like you bringing me breakfast
and things like that. So yeah, the original book.
So there's two versions of the book.
There's the original published in 1992, and that was when
Jerry, Jerry Gary Chapman was Gerber was talking to a largely
Christian audience. This is this really resonates
with the podcast because this is a great like Christian
communications thing. Like, if you grew up in the
Christian world, this is probably the sort of thing that
your parents were reading. And I think people get it in pre
Cana, that's where they hear about the.
Law. Yeah, yeah, that's, I think it's
a popular one to hand out for that, which I will remind you is
just like I was saying, like seminary does not qualify you to
be a couples counselor. At best in the Protestant world,
you are getting marriage counseling from a vaguely non
certified layperson in the context of psychology.
In the Catholic version, you are getting marital advice from a
celibate person, right? Yes, who also is likely biased
towards whichever person's family is belonging to that
church. And so they're like, you are so
lucky to marry Adam. You know, Adam is a member of
all that. So I'm gonna ask you all these
questions and then meanwhile, Adam's over there and doesn't
get any questions. I'm not speaking for any
personal stories, obviously. Obviously.
So, yeah. So he originally publishes for
this very like norm core trad core kind of audience.
And then it's republished in 2014 and that's the version
probably most people know and have seen.
But it is still he is just largely talking to hetero trad
couples. There's basically no mention of
non hetero couples seems like from other things that he's
written. And believe me, he had
opportunities because this is a whole like he just got on the
love languages gravy train with this book.
There is love languages for children, for teenagers, for
parents, for parents of kids with disabilities, love
languages for men, not love languages for women, which we'll
get into that just like everything under the sun.
So if he wanted to speak to like how it would be maybe adjusted
for LGBT couples, he could have, but he's kind of more in the
like, don't ask, don't tell. But basically this original
version, I think that they had him like clean up a little bit
of his like gender norm language and in.
Yeah, exactly. So we have like these like
checklist kind of things of like how to do the different love
languages. And it would be very like men,
if your love, like if your wife's love language is acts of
service, then you can like help her with the laundry.
And then women, it's like if your man likes acts of service,
you can do his laundry, things like that.
And also I will say, Kay, you would be very disappointed.
This book was first certified good girls trademark only the
wifeys do not care for sex. And so really this whole book
came off to me as like a manual for dumb fucking husbands who
like, can't figure out for shit why they're wisely basically
what you were saying in the beginning.
Why doesn't my wife want to have sex with me?
I don't do any housework and I don't help with my kids and and
all that and that is not my there's like a.
Story in there that's like he has all these like advice
columns which I think that he like writes it seems like he
writes them himself. They're not like actual letters
to him of like a guy that like went and played softball while
his wife was having a baby. And then he's like, why is my
wife so Moby all the time? So really, I think that his core
audience and why there's a love languages for men book but not a
love languages for women book is certainly.
We're starting from the bottom. We are like.
The women are so socialized to just be attuned to this shit
already that we didn't really need a book doing it.
But I think that he assumes that like all of the dumb husbands
out there are like husbands. If your wife does not think that
like a deep digging is her love language, then buy her some.
Flowers, Is it not your love language?
So gender normative that he does not allow for the possibility
that maybe a deep digging is your wife's love language.
So there's very like with the physical touch one, it's very
masculine gendered. And the examples of women who go
for the physical touch is like she maybe she wants to cuddle.
And yeah, on the other side it's like maybe your wife should blow
you. But he doesn't say that because
he's Christian. So just like a funny kind of
side note is that I was looking into the physical touch element,
which obviously there's a lot of research to support that
physical touch is a great love language, for lack of a better
word, but just a way to increase a feeling between you and your
partner. Oxytocin.
Yeah, yeah, it lowers. Your heart rate, your blood
pressure, like when you touch your partner, your eyes are on
the same wavelength. But a funny thing is that I saw
Masters and Johnson, pioneers of the modern sex therapy movement,
used to encourage their couples to do non sexual touches more
often and that would lead them to be more sexually interested.
And I was like Masters and Johnson somewhat rings the bell,
but I can't really think of it. But if they're leaders of the
modern sex therapy movement, obviously I want to look into
them. And it turns out, and you
probably already know this from your page, they're like the
conversion therapy people they're.
Like friendly? People who are gay and I can
just have them touch their their the other sex and then they're
going to be changed. And we already know because we
are stuck in our straight relationships, that is not
possible. Again, if I could be with a
woman, I would. That sounds delightful to me.
Yeah, disappointing. Yes.
OK. So the five level languages.
So with that disclaimer, we will get.
Jason Johnson had to make an appearance.
Yeah, yeah. With that disclaimer, we will
get into naming what they are just because I feel like it's
helpful to hear. And yeah, as you hear them, you
might be like, isn't this one kind of similar to the other
one? And the answer?
Is don't ask questions, Yeah, first.
Of all, don't ask questions. Gerber has made millions, if not
more, off of the judge. It's based up of how much money
Gary has made. Yeah, exactly.
That's how we are in the year of our Lord 2025.
This is how all things are judged is would Elon Musk want
to invest in it? Great.
So, Kay, you were going to jump in with some examples of where
each of these love languages. So there's words of affirmation,
acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
Now we're going to go back and start off with examples, words
of affirmation. SJ, you look great today in your
overalls. Have I told you that?
And you are such a good Co host. That is an example of awards of
affirmation. And there's studies showing that
in case you don't have a partner, you can also just tell
these to yourself. And as long as it's coming from
somewhere and you feel like you believe it, it really does help
yourself esteem your confidence, all those things.
Yeah, I look at my partner. I try to tell him you are a good
man, be a good boy, yeah. Go touch me.
You're a. Very, very good boy and.
Then you walk him like a dog, like.
Sabrina Carpenter Yeah. I pet his head a little bit, and
that's when I get into my physical touch.
Also, just a quick side note that I actually love that
Sabrina Carpenter picture of her with a guy because you know what
she said about it? She said that the important
thing about the picture, and for those of you who haven't seen
it, it's her album cover. And the guy is standing up and
she's kind of looking like she might go down on him and he's
tugging her hair. Is that she's like, I am very
clearly. And there's no doubt of anybody
looking in that that picture that I am in control of the
situation and I'm enjoying it. I'm like, Sabrina, Yeah, acts of
service, who? This is just where guys seem to
get in trouble because. And I feel like an act of
service doesn't even have to be there if they're just happening,
right? I don't know.
Yeah. And I feel like so a lot of
times when people think of examples of this, I'm also like
doing the bare minimum is not acts of service like just
participating in the household because.
I put the shoes on my daughter this morning.
Was that an active service? Yeah, exactly.
And this kind of feels like. So we recently for one of my
kids introduced the concept of allowance and, and that quickly
turned into and we tried to just have it be like a general like
this is something that you get at a certain age so you can have
spending money of your own. And in order to and part of this
is that we have this social contract that you will be
participating as a member of this household and doing certain
chores that's. What you said here.
I did. We talked about social
contracts, but then she like pretty much immediately wanted
to turn it into like, I just picked up the wrapper, my cheese
stick and put it in the trash. Pay me $1.00, please.
And that's kind of what this sounds like for men that then
they'll like get this and they're like, oh, like acts of
service. Like I'm going to put my plate
in the dishwasher. Where's my blowjob?
Deep Throat me now, please. But but greater perceived
sharing of household tasks is associated with higher
relationship satisfaction and increased liking of 1's partner.
Did we even need studies? Apparently?
We did though, just the same as we needed this dumb fucking book
for some people just. Do things and then you might get
more sex. You know, if you take the load
off your wife and so she's not super, super tired, she might be
more interested in getting right down there.
Who knows? Or not, because it might just
not be your thing or maybe you don't clean enough.
I don't know. Yeah, there may be so many other
reasons which we'll get into on other episodes as well, yes.
And then gifts, you know, not just for birthdays, you can gift
somebody a lot of different things.
You can go to a gas station and come out with a Gatorade that
might lead you to a road blowjob.
Just think about it right flavor of Gatorade.
Well, I think when that first of all, I feel like as much as if
we want to adhere to the five love languages, I feel like
gifts gets the like worst cuz it is just like, oh, you're like
this materialistic person who like requires their partner to
buy them designer handbags and diamonds or something.
But I think it really is more supposed to be kind of about
like the, Oh, I was thinking of you and I, I also feel like this
is a hard one to do if it doesn't come to you naturally
like some of the other ones. It's like words of affirmation.
Like you can just like kind of practice it till you get good at
it. But when you know the people in
your life, and I'm not just talking relation like romantic
relationships, the people who are really thoughtful gift
givers, it's always just like a very like that is impressive.
They just like pick up little things, whether it's for
birthdays or non particular occasions that it's just like
this like, oh, I was thinking of you.
I saw this. I thought you would want it like
something small. I type Divora just get stuck in
my head. I'm like, I think that person
would like that, but maybe they don't.
Maybe they would have already bought it for themselves.
Maybe. And then I did tell them and all
of my like difficult relationship with stuff because
then I'm like, well, if they don't want this, then it's just
like one more thing for them to have to like figure out and get
rid of. And I do really feel like that,
like with the gift giving language, like when it is just
this obligatory thing, especially around birthdays.
And you get that with kids birthdays.
But some families too just have this like very obligatory, like
every year on your birthday, like we have to get you a gift.
Like you have to get everyone Christmas gifts, like everyone,
you know, Christmas gifts. It does just really result in
this like it's like the opposite of the intended thing.
Because then you get this thing that's like thoughtless or just
kind of like you're like, I don't know.
And then that makes you feel like the person maybe even knows
you less than you thought. I get great gifts to my partner
so I feel like I do like gifty but I don't like.
I don't need gifts though. I just see it as one more way
that I'm like, you are such a sweetheart and you get me and
you look out for little things, but that's not I'm I will yes,
they were not good gift givers that I I.
This is totally true for my for my marriage.
I am an excellent gift giver. I will just own that about
myself because. Words of self affirmation.
Words of self affirmation I am a great gift giver and I.
Am a lousy gift giver. Well one of my hacks is that I
just keep a note on my phone. This works especially well for
my husband, who is very forgetful and like, not very
thinks about stuff. So he'll tell me in in like, you
know, July that he's like, I really want this cookbook.
And then like Christmas rolls around and I give him the
cookbook. He totally forgot that he asked
for it. So I mean, it works for anyone
to, like keep track of things that they mentioned that they
would like, but it works especially well for people who
forgot that they mentioned that thing.
And then he's like, this looks like such a cool cookbook.
Where did you find this? You told me, but you forgot and
I'm like you. Know you really well, and I
thought that you would be interested in it, but I do just,
like, keep track of things that people mentioned to me that they
want or need. And I just try to like, take
note of that. But it works.
Yeah. It'll really works on, like,
people that you spend a lot of time with.
But my husband, gift giving is not his love language.
And I think that that's one that we figured out.
Yeah. That like, it's, it's kind of a
hard one to, like, fake it because he would try to, like,
buy me nice things. But then it's like, you know,
somebody buys you jewelry who doesn't really know your taste.
I don't. Want to wear that this?
Is why like gift giving is about the thoughtfulness and not the
amount of money spent because then you could like buy a really
expensive piece of jewelry. I don't think he's really done
that, but like he, I could see that having happened and then
you're like, oh cool, like a heart-shaped necklace.
And so I think that he's realized that it's a better act
of I don't know what kind of love language this is, but just
realizing that I would be much happier if you were like.
You should just go pick yourself out some jewelry that you really
like. And feel free go crazy with it
or you should take your daughter to Disney World with your
friends. We also did that.
That was a great one. Myself there, but I don't know.
Yeah, so. Quality time.
I'm here to report an extremely groundbreaking study.
But first, just a basic description of quality time, you
know, not just sitting and watching Netflix while you're
both on each other's, like, not each other's phones, but your
own individual phones. But actually, you know, the
solidly hanging out, maybe going on a hike.
But I just love the study that I found, which is in Contemporary
Family Therapy by Hogan in 2022. And they looked at 49 couples.
And I'm so happy that they did this because they found that
couples that spent more time arguing per day were less
satisfied in their relationships and couples who found a greater
time having positive conversations.
It's like, did that, did that have to be a study you?
Know again though, I I am. Learning that maybe it did a
reminder to men out there that if you are fighting, you might
have a low satisfaction in in your relationship and that leads
to other things, physical touch. Oh, I do want to say something
about quality time. This one was also a little bit
like, I was like, who who is like, this is not my love
language, right? Like who is in a relationship
with somebody? And then it's like, oh, but I
don't actually like any value from quality time until I was
doing my Reddit research and there were some people who
answered, there's a question that was like, what is your like
non traditional love language? You know, like not one of the
Gary Chapman 5 love languages. And there were at least a couple
of people on there who were like being left alone, giving me my
space. I guess so I was thinking about
this and before my partner and I lived with each other, I would
have said quality time like 1000%, you know, time just the
two of us to hang out. We're either with groups of
friends, we're working, all these different things.
But now that I feel like we are together all the time, I still
want to be with him. I still like, love our time
together. But if I were to think about
like what I'm craving, it is not, I don't know, OK?
It's not at this with me. I'm not really.
Everything's working fine. Yeah.
And I think that after the pandemic when especially those
of us who are used to like our jobs, it we're mostly out of the
house. And I think that there are a lot
of us that since the pandemic we're just like home more.
That's definitely true for my husband and me.
And I guess I wouldn't say that it's my love language, but I do
crave. I don't get to watch stupid ROM
coms on Netflix. I don't I I watch YouTube videos
of Warren Buffett at night sitting alongside my husband.
You should put headphones on and then I suppose that is also a
love language is watching 2 separate things on your phone
sitting side by side wearing headphones because sometimes you
that. Your hand out.
Yeah, exactly. You can still be holding hands,
get that physical touch. I also think that there's maybe
a difference between like healthy boundary stuff where you
need for yourself to exist as a human being within any kind of
relationship that's not actually a love language.
And I was a little worried for people that they were asked that
question and that was literally the first thing that came to
their mind. But reach out.
If that was you, we'd love to. Hear maybe it was B who knows I
I love spending time maybe it was your husband I just want to
be by myself with my old white man videos I'm.
Gonna watch Warren buffeting without any fucking
interruptions. I need to hear someone with a
lot of wrinkles who is male listen talk about finance
without my wife saying that this is boring, can she please leave
me alone? So physical touch, hugs,
cuddles, you know, groping, make it a little grab grab in there.
So another super fun study that I thought I I don't want to do
this too much because I have a feeling it was probably done by
a student. It came out of UVA in 2024 but
it looked at 5 total couples and then it recruited 5 strangers
and they found this is crazy that people like touches with
their person where they're in a relationship more than the
strangers. Can I know more about this
study? It was there like a secret hand
box and you like stick your hand in the box and can't see who's
on the other side of this like hand glory hole.
Like they could see you're being like.
Touched by like a hand through the glory hole and you have to
guess if it's your partner. Can I do that?
Study it. Was like a very basic like non
sexual wrist touch but they felt like well the partners touch the
wrist in different ways and like covered more surface area.
And I'm like did you only do 5 couples because you realized
after 5 couples what on earth am I doing?
I didn't have. To do this, but thank you for
keeping our podcast grounded in research.
K this is important. Yeah, now you know those five
couples. There's also kind of like super
fun, cool ones that show how like your brave your brain
wavelength like matches up with your partners.
When you guys touch each other, it kind of like sings and
becomes calm together. OK, yeah, I have heard a little
about this where if you touch a stranger.
Oh, so I also learned in my, you know, good girls research
division, the part time lab. Coat.
So French and colleagues published a paper in 2019 on
sociosexuality. Now you might be wondering at
home, what does sociosexuality mean?
It turns out this is a scientific word for swinging,
which I just love. And it found that overall.
So looked at 204 newlywed couples and it found that among
those who swang or were sociosexual, that overall was
there was a greater like decrease in satisfaction over
time, but except for those who are having more frequent sex and
higher sexual satisfaction and low stress.
So I just feel like, OK, so there's a portion of these
people who are like super, super like cool sex animals.
And they're like, yeah, whatever, We're both having sex
with other people. But I'm like low stress and I
mean, awesome. I feel like there might be some
drugs involved in that equation and they were able to keep up
their happiness, but. Yeah.
Is this like you are having more sex overall or unless you're
having frequent sex with each other as well, more sex?
Oh. That's interesting.
They just said more frequent sex, but they did not.
Yeah, you're right. They could have just been
increased if you just swing all the time, but then you're so
happy. Yeah, if every single day you're
having sex with a different person.
Especially if physical touch is your love life.
If you are one of the people on Reddit whose love language is
just blowjobs, then it does seem like you should just have as
many possible opportunities for blowjobs and it say as you can.
Yeah. I mean, this is one that I've
heard in general about the swinging culture and some of
the, like, the parties and stuff.
Is that like how it's portrayed on TV versus like, how it is in
real life. And it's all like one of those
reality shows that's like people that are into doing interesting
things. I forget what show it was, but
basically that it was this younger couple that, like,
wanted to try going to a sex party and they did.
And it was all just like. Older you people, yeah, you
know, they're like, they're just like, sexually.
Freer. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
But it wasn't like, you know, one of these like, Basque
parties from like, the sexy shows where like, everybody is
rich and hot, totally rich. And like, yeah. 25 years old and
things like that. So they, I think that they like
went to the party for a little bit and then they were like, OK.
Yeah, maybe I only wanted to be with you.
I don't know, I I feel like I picture Kristen and Sandy on the
OC if anybody ever watch into the later scene.
Yeah, with like the nice expensive watches on the table.
Yeah, I'm like, I would go to that swing aim party seems very
clean. Yeah, yeah.
I don't think that we live in the right zip code for that K.
Shucks, just kidding. Please don't contact.
Too many of our leaders for. Watching them.
Please do not. I'm not.
Interested. Not actually interested in
joining your watch party? You can never live up to my
partner. Gentlemen.
So there was another just funny story and this really doesn't
belong anywhere but I wanted to share it.
So I looked at 169 marriages over the 1st 18 months of
marriage and they showed that there are significant changes in
personality over those 18 months where men become slightly less
agreeable and women become less like extroverted and there's
declines and and openness. And that made me kind of sad.
Yeah. Yeah.
So maybe, yeah. Maybe that's why we have to be
sociosexual. I don't know.
I also think this reminds me of the study that it was like men
who are married live longer but like women who are single are
happier or something like that. But basically the theory being
that, like, women hound their husbands into, like, doing basic
kinds of self-care, like scheduling doctor's appointments
until those men live longer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All the women in Jerry, in Jerry Bear's books are just, like,
running around after their husbands, picking up for them.
And they're like acts of service is my love language.
They're actually, and they're also much more likely to stay
when the partner gets a serious diagnosis and all that.
But again, you know, we're trapped being straight.
So we will accept our male partners and love them all the
way. And this does not apply to our
own male partners, but in general, just, you know, across
the. Gender, yeah.
So I guess the question is, does it matter if love languages
aren't real if they help us? Then.
Clearly need them. And I think that it still comes
up in like legitimate therapy contexts outside of the church,
and not because anybody is recommending the book to people,
but just again, this kind of like conversation starter.
The only thing is I just wish that acts of service, even
though I do get that there's a difference, I wish that there
was a way to like, just make it clear, like first make sure that
household tasks are equal and then we can start talking about
acts of service. But if your acts of service are
just you getting up to like 40% when your wife currently does
like 70% and that's not. Yeah, yeah.
Or just things around that are just sort of shared household
tasks to begin with. Like I think one that is nice is
that I'm not a morning person and my husband is.
And like that he will like make coffee and sometimes even bring
me coffee upstairs if I'm particularly slow moving.
And I feel like that is something that's not like part
of the. Regular every single morning.
No, I don't yell, but I'm like, I'm like, why can't you wake up
at 7:00? So you're the morning person in
your house. I'm the morning person and then
being up in the morning just naturally leads to you doing
more in the morning and so you know I'm a fighter you will get
up for. Now I can be trying to get out
of doing things in the morning, but having two kids has made
that difficult for me and I am forced to live in a world born,
born to be rolling around in bed still at 10 AM, forced to be
packing lunches. Have you seen the slither
method? No, go on, you lie.
Down in bed and then when it's like time to get up, like
instead of thinking, oh wow, I have to like raise my head and
get up and open my eyes, you just flop out.
You literally like rise out of bed and you like crawl.
I think it's like her name's Mel.
She's an Instagram. She's like a six year old woman
who helps you think about life. And there's a video and she's
like a very well put together, like beautiful PJS, all that 6
year old woman and she's just like.
And now I rise. Yeah I know I haven't tried this
open really to trying anything. Currently my method is picking
up my phone immediately, which I hear the experts tell you is
great and just immediately starting to scroll things.
The experts say that if you go to any therapist, they'll be
like just. Yeah, use your phone.
Do. Yeah, and use your phone more
and start earlier and then go later and do it till you fall
asleep. And then when you wake up in the
middle of the night, then pick up your phone again.
That's what they say. Think about how excited you are
to see your kids and just hop right up.
OK, so I asked my partner what he thought that my love language
was and he said, oh, you like gifting?
And I said, no, that's like not even the case because I don't
care at all that my parents don't give to me.
I just like it that you gift because this is part of your
curious, sweet personality. And he's like, he looks at me
and he goes, You like the physical?
And I asked would not approve but go on.
He, he said that his favorite thing that I do is that when I
walk up to him and I give him like a hug and I say that I love
him and I kiss him. I do, you know, one or two times
a day Cuz he's like, it's just that like natural, like you
really genuinely mean it and you really do love me.
So I guess that would mean it's like words of affirmation plus
physical touch. Yeah, this is what they're,
they're very overlapping. So and that's why I also feel
like it's just maybe more of a starting point because yeah,
they're very overlapping. Some of these are very vague and
like things like acts of service, like changing an
occasional diaper or not an act of service.
So I think the word that you use genuine is a big part of it
because it's also just kind of like whatever it is, if it's
coming from a genuine place and not, I mean, even look like
words of affirmation, like if you were just like you are so
special. Well, that and like to me the
ultimate thing of love and it's nice that all the the rest of
the things happen too, but it's like the other person seeing you
for who you are and like loving and embracing that whole self,
if that makes sense. And I think that, you know, when
my partner is like, oh, like you used to narrate porn and I love
that about you. And I also think it's impressive
that you do that. It just makes me feel like they
see me and that does it for me. That's a really good point and
that's why this whole subcategory of the Internet with
people making jokes, we pulled some from from our Internet
research lab. There are such examples as cat
photos, head scratches, inside jokes, shit talking head.
Scratches. Do you like head scratches?
My gosh, I am like such a slut for them.
I am miss mad. This is why I am part cat dog.
I don't know. Check with Sabrina Carpenter.
I don't. Yeah.
OK. I didn't interrupt you, no.
I find it very relaxing and if that is your kink or your love
language, if you haven't been to a Japanese head spa, you should
totally go because it's just like that for two hours.
I don't even get massages because I do not like people
touching me, which is. Interesting that physical touch
and see this is what I mean is that the broad 5 categories are
trash because like for you that means very specific things.
I only want my partner. Yeah, you have them.
From right, exactly and like under what context and things
like that. And so it's more that like
intimacy of knowing exactly from the other person what that is,
that's acceptable, whether it's like head scratches, blowjobs,
commenting and porn together, you know, any of those kinds of
things. That that that is very
important. One that I really liked was, and
I do do this for my husband, is remembering the names of people
that I forgot and like whispering them when they're
walking up or I do a lot of like, oh, hey, you know my
friend Samantha, right, Samantha?
Because you know him well enough to know that he wishes that he
knew the name, that he didn't remember it because of some
reason that has nothing to do with his respect to the person.
And so you're able to read that part of their personality.
I know that they that they need that.
It's like my partner sometimes knows that I'm on a roll and I'm
doing well. I don't really need that much
help. But he knows that like on
Saturday mornings, if I don't get my like, workout in, then I
get frazzled. And so that's where the active
service comes in of taking the kids away for as long as
possible. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
So like, whatever you want to call it is the important thing.
The last one on here was singing karaoke.
This is one of my love languages and it is one it.
Is not what I'm on. Do not get from my partner.
Any compatible it would make us. Love each other less if he did
try to sing karaoke because singing is not one of his
skills. So this is where I will also put
in a plug for and this is something that I think is kind
of not talked about a lot in the whole like Christian
relationship advice mode of things.
There's so much in that Christian dating advice kind of
stuff about like your partner being your everything and that
they like fulfill your every need and that like all of these
love languages that you require have to be spoken by your
partner. So it's a very good example of
like, I love to sing karaoke. Would never ask my partner to do
it, would be uncomfortable if he offered.
And yeah, there are plenty of other people in my life that
can. He could be a beautiful.
Other hobbies, no. I've heard him sing.
No, OK, no. My partner is not a bad singer
and he plays the guitar and I feel bad but I don't appreciate
those parts at all. He is well hung however.
Woo Hoo. Huge alpha males like a tree
trunk. Yes.
We want to make sure that all of our listeners know.
So there's no, there's no, you know, you see him on the
streets. Just no.
Wow. Huge.
And there was this very cute story.
A lot of the answers that I saw were just like 2 words.
This one was this story from I think an older man that he was
talking about how his wife had been a tango dancer for like had
been into dancing for years and years and loved to go out
dancing. So his expression of love to her
was that he took lessons and learned how to tango dance and
now they go out together all the time.
But he was just saying how it was this great opportunity for
them both to appreciate each other.
And I think that that's what I hear in a lot of these stories
that like she appreciates him having taken the time to learn
this thing just cuz it matters to her.
But he was like, I love to go with her because she's so
beautiful and she gets all dressed to the nines and I get
to see her in her element. But he's like, but then I also
feel like a really great partner and he's like, and I'll go dance
like I get to like, you know, dance and enjoy myself.
And he's like, also I feel like she walks away.
He's like, cuz the men there are so so and I'm the best looking
man there and then she. I love the self-confidence.
Yes, positive self affirmation. You go Reddit guy.
Woo Hoo what was I going to say? I feel like if you go back to
even high school, how many high school girls have you are
friends with any high school girls, then you might know that
how they're asked to dances is a big deal.
And even if they have long standing boyfriends and it's
very obvious they're going to go to the dance, they need that
kind of extra act that says, hey, I'm really interested in
you and you're worth making this elaborate sign or poster for.
And you're going to get that little sign that I'd love, and
I'm into you. Yeah, yeah.
At the end of the day, I feel like, yeah, it's all about just
saying like I see you and I get you and I really appreciate you
for who you are. So if at the end of the day that
is what Gare bear, what conversation he sparked for us,
then blessings to him and his multi book empire.
Go Gare bear. Yeah, women do like sex.
My my partner would literally say that that's like my love
language. And actually, I have a distinct
memory that when we were early on in our first months dating,
he dropped me off after a movie. And I was like, will you come
into the house with me? No, I really need to go back and
do some work. And I was like, we might be
incompatible as partners. He's.
Like I need to go back into my bed and listen to Warren Buffett
videos. I I have some Warren studying to
do tonight. It's like you can't sit next to
me in a movie theater and like lightly touch me for two hours.
And I not think that we're going to have some hanky panky
afterwards, but that's that's just the way that he.
Is love language for the ladies? Listen up, Gare Bare.
Yeah, we also, my partner and I probably have the reverse
relationship on that, that I'd be like, oh, what can I do to
get my partner to have some more sex with me?
How do I know? He loves getting.
He hasn't boomed me in a while. It's been 3 hours so to go back
we always revisit some things discussed in our prior episodes
before ending and Sex appeal was an episode that generated a lot
of conversation afterwards about what is your thing that you see
and you're like Yep that guy is hot, that guy fucks.
And we found out from a listener that hers is when a guy shuffles
cards, which I can see like when they really know how to do like
the cool like card shuffling. I, I see this one and I think
that it really fits the criteria of what we were asking that it's
like not an inherently like associated with hot guy thing on
its surface, but it's like something that just like raises
a, a green flag sexually speaking.
Although I will say potential overlap between really good at
shuffling cards and magicians, but I've never been with a
magician. Well magicians might be a
smaller percentage of the population, so you might have a
smaller chance of getting with a magician than a guy who knows
how to shuffle cards. And I have not looked into the
numbers recently. I just thinking about Joel from
Arrested Development. Joke.
Yes. There's obviously a hot
magician. I've seen them on America's Got
Talent. Yeah, yeah, there are.
There are hot magicians. I don't know that I want to be
with a magician, though. I would say that for me, that is
probably something that if I saw you doing magic, I would be less
interested in sex just because I don't want that kind of I don't
want somebody doing magical numbers on me when we are
together. I think that most magicians
would tell you that they're not going to bust out their magic
tricks during slacks. You don't know that you've never
been with one either have. You.
Yeah, I was having sex with 1 and then also now I was just
under the bed and I wasn't sure how.
Exactly. Oh, I did hear a story about
that one. So something this was son
another great podcast, normal gossip.
But there was one about that where he wasn't a magician, but
they were like somehow in the apartment of like he was friends
with her brothers, with someone who was a magician.
And there was like a magic trick bed.
I won't give away the ending, but you should listen to that
podcast. I also like calling out other
podcasts and then also on hottest biblical characters Kane
we overlooked Kane a. Classic.
Bad boy. Yeah, it's classic bad boy.
And the person said I think I can change him, you know, also
older brother, apparently older brothers are hot, which is not
personally a thing for me. I think being from a big family,
just like any brothers, I mean, I'm not interested in any of my
brothers, but in terms of order, order.
Yeah, birth order. Oh, that should be a study that
somebody should do. Impact on hotness.
Birth order and sex appeal. I think that middle children are
more likely to be comedians. And so that would probably be
like the guys middle. Yeah, 4 out of seven, Yeah.
I mean, I guess when you have 7 kids in your family, there's a
pretty good shot at being a middle child, so.
I could also be considered the younger or the older of
different bashes of kids depending on how you look at it.
Yeah. So to kind of go and conclude up
this episode, love languages scientifically based, I would
say each individual element of this love languages is but the
actual like science, as Garriger put it out not, but that doesn't
mean that you shouldn't show some words of affirmation and
leave us to. Yourself to us.
Yes, but only. Only if we're great though.
We can't take words of criticism right now, unfortunately.
Thank you so much. I do not need negative
affirmation, but I thank you for listening and I hope you have a
great day.