Welcome to episode 8 of Good Girls.
Today we're talking about the orgasm gap.
So if you're in the car with your father-in-law, I hope you
guys are having a really smooth drive with no traffic, but turn
it off off because it's likely going to be pretty uncomfortable
to listen to. I think at this point things
have already gotten weird with your father-in-law.
We already said orgasm gap. You already are probably driving
with somebody who is experiencing an orgasm gap in
their relationship content. Wording should have read.
The episode title. So to start off with, let's just
establish what is the orgasm gap.
And this has been pretty consistently found in study
after study, including ones done really recently.
Which is super depressing that there's about a 30 percentage
point gap between men who report having an orgasm during a sexual
encounter and woman and to. And hetero women.
Hetero women, it is a little bit less for lesbians.
So to go into that, what that looks like, for every 10 times
that people have sex, men will orgasm eight of those times,
whereas women will orgasm four to five of those times, which is
pretty depressing. Now for women and lesbian
relationships, that number increases to about 6 to 8 of
those times. Yeah, the study that I read that
was just focused on it was that they had all their data was
disaggregated by sexuality or the sex of your partner.
Then for hetero women it was 3 out of 10 * 30% was what a drop
to 32% so. And Yikes ladies, there was a
pretty fascinating post from Aching Amy in the Purple Pale
Debate about this and it was is male sexuality and net harm to
women and women are better off decentering men and entering
into relationships with each other.
Now, this was an extreme argument.
I won't get completely into it, but but the light evidence
suggests that women would be having more orgasms if they're
in relationships with each other than with men.
True, although then this gets back into we know that sexuality
is not a choice because if it were I would be a lesbian.
Like I feel like I have so many friend groups or like couples
friends where we sit around talking.
And not involve men, if we. Had my choice, I would be
married. If I could choose who I was
attracted to, I would be married to the woman in this group of
four of us. I would be married to the woman
and we would have a tastefully decorated home and we would just
have all of the same hobbies in common and there would be no
meat consumed in my house. Like we would just be so much to
be together and our husbands would go marry each other and
they would just like live in a a formless box.
And they would just throw so many meats on fire.
This is our favorite. Thing to do, fire pit in the
middle, throwing meats on it and not arguing about who cleans the
bathroom because just neither of them would clean the bathroom.
It will just grow up in funk and then eventually one of their
moms will come to visit and they will clean it for them.
True. So aching.
Amy, I think that this is a nice thought, but if I could choose,
yeah, I would for a myriad of other reasons.
I don't personally experience the orgasm gap in my
relationship, but for numerous other reasons, I would be opting
for that lesbian relationship. So I'm fortunately
scientifically proven. Can't choose your sexuality
otherwise. What I think is kind of
beautiful is that there is an opportunity to not only close
this gap, but to make it in the opposite direction, because
women actually have way, way, way shorter refractory periods
than men. You know, a woman can orgasm one
after another after another. It is not at all unheard of in
real life, in books and anything, for a woman to have,
you know, up to three orgasms or more per session.
Whereas men on the other hand, OOP like, you know, they have
like they're one orgasm and they're like, I'm going to need
some time. Don't charge.
I need. Some meats thrown on a fire to
recuperate my stamina. Going to need to go talk to
other dads while throwing meats on fire while my kid is
somewhere I'm not sure about. Cigarettes for they got to have
some relaxation time. Women actually also have
slightly longer orgasms on average ours are about 20
seconds whereas men are about like 5 seconds ish.
And for those who do do have them have them regularly.
They're reported as more intense than males.
So we have a lot of good things going on with our orgasms, it's
just that gap and it just makes me so upset that it still exists
in such a strong way. And I feel like it's part of the
way I justify talking about sex as much as I do.
Yes, though not OK, as you have pointed out, in the romance
genre, that's one place where we're kind of trying to
fantasize, at least in our imaginary worlds, about breaking
out of reality. Because no, I don't know if you
were able to do a full scientific, you know, data
analysis literature review on it, but very curious to hear.
I know you had discussed doing a literature review on the ratio
of times woman orgasms in books to the male orgasm.
Yes, this is extremely important.
I am reporting live from Good Girls Research division.
Good listeners, I would like you to know that Kay has just pulled
up her official spreadsheet with her notes on this topic.
Metric spreadsheet of orgasms per encounter and I looked at
top three male leads. Zaden Ryerson, Reese and oh, I
do not know Reese And's last name, but he's from A Court of
Thorns and Roses and he's very well known.
Also called Reese and Lucas from The Deep End.
Allie Hazelwood. The Deep End, for those of you
who may not have read it, is not Allie Hazelwood.
It's necessarily her strongest book, but it is her sexiest book
by far. And when you are not in the
mood, you just go and you read that book and you will be right
in the mood for whoever your partner is.
So I went through and I looked at orgasms per encounter and
what we were averaging was about four to five orgasms per
encounter. And these were high.
The ratio was highest for Dun Dun Dun Dun Re Sand, who is 500
years old. I mean, and he's also banging an
18 year old, but that's like a separate.
We're not going to get into the age gap.
I just want to say he's really bucking the trend.
This is next on my reading list, Kay.
But one of the studies that I read was that there is some
decrease in male orgasms overtime due to the loss of
testosterone. I think that's being
counteracted in more recent years by the rise of little blue
pills. But I just got to say, whatever
he's doing, we want to know his morning routine.
It's really working for him. Going at age 500 and still
getting off his 20. Year old.
Yeah, so many questions. About that but OK, looking
forward to reading. That's actually really
interesting because their first hookup, he gets her off and he's
like, now it's sleep time, nothing for me.
And that's supposed to be really like, look, he's so unselfish.
He's really putting her first. But.
Now. So like May, December.
He might just have like really low tea.
He's actually needs to go in the bathroom and put some of his
testosterone gel on so that he can recuperate.
I I just forgot my blue pill, that's all.
You think that I'm being selfless, but no, I.
Have so many questions but I that's Next up on my read list.
So good girls. I will be reporting back.
And I do wonder because just with the overall growth of books
written in romance, people reading romance, including, you
know, girls in high school, girls in college, if this is
going to be an overall net good to the orgasm gap because we're
going to go into relationships thinking my shit snapped her,
you know, my stuff's good. You're going to be feel very,
very lucky to go down on me. You want this.
And I do think that sometimes, yes, there are some guys who are
narcissists, but there are some guys who just like they don't
know what they're doing and they kind of need that push to, you
know, this is what I want in order to go down and.
And this is this is an unscientific cue for me, but I
do feel like that group is a lot larger.
I mean, you hear us, the assholes are always the more
vocal group in any kind of thing.
But I think that the are also usually the majority that are
just kind of this like going down on a woman is nasty, blah,
blah, blah. And then I think your group of
quiet incompetence is much larger.
And so there's hope for that group because they think that
they just need a little bit of sex education, a little bit of
direction. They need to read the She Comes
First book. They need to get their wine
pairings down. But I have to say, if you have
that as your setup where the woman comes first, then you are
kind of default setting things up.
Because also, yeah, I do think one of the things that comes up
in the research a lot that I think a lot of people know is
that it also takes women longer to get going.
More foreplay is needed. So I think if you and then that
like for the guys, they're just kind of like Bing bang done.
And so I think that if you do have that as the typical order
of events where it's like the guy just gets really excited,
they're like. Yeah.
And then done in 4. Minutes yeah then it's kind of
like that's anti climactic. So that is why the romance books
and honestly the pornos too there's like lots of different
back and forth of things. But you see in pornos which are
very like male pleasure centric are still I mean I think that's
part of like the male power, the male prowess is that they're
like so expertly able to repeatedly and powerfully get
this woman off. But you'll see that where
there's like multiple female orgasms and then like everything
culminates in the money shot. The money shot.
Oh how we love the money shot. Basically an orgasmic pleasure
in itself. The money shot for men and women
alike, right? Yes, especially.
So. That's a different episode.
I got into an argument about the orgasm gap this weekend where a
male informed me that actually the orgasm gap is because men
and women just aren't finding compatible partners with each
other. If a woman does not orgasm from
penetrative sex alone and she's with a partner who does not like
fingering or oral, then they are simply in an incompatible sexual
relationship and she needs to find a guy who does like oral
and fingering. And I said, well, I, I just want
you to know from the woman's point of view, I think that a
guy who is not interested in fingering or oral for a girl
might be universally viewed as a poor.
Partner really limiting himself, Yeah.
He said that I was viewing women as a monolith and that there's
women out there who only orgasm from vaginal sex, and that I
wasn't acknowledging that. And I didn't want to be too
argumentative, but I did want to let him know that he's probably
never given a woman an orgasm before in his life.
I would agree with that and I would be interested as this post
sits out there to hear from the one to three women out there who
exclusively orgasm through vaginal penetrate through P&B
penetration. Because I mean, I do know that
there are women who can orgasm that way, but those?
5. Yes, those women are the
minority who can orgasm that way.
And that's not to say that that's their exclusive.
Or their preferred way or their strongest orgasms.
It's one in five. And so I just have this funny
feeling that the guy who is sharing this with me and going
on about it was that it's not like he's only ever encountered
that one in five, but instead he encountered the other 80% who
were just like, this is horrible sex, but who knows, maybe he has
some other. Well, again, I even, I mean like
I, I, I have orgasm that way. And I would agree it's like a
less sad, I mean, and it would take like very specific
circumstances and angles and it's just sort of like a lesser
quality for me. And so even if I, but I'm just
saying like if I was with that guy and and then and I had the
potential to have that type of orgasm, but you just have
somebody who's just like, oh, like this is all I'm going to do
for you. You better like this or like you
can go find somebody. Fingering an oral just isn't my
thing, I'm sorry. Like just be like, OK, well, you
turn off. This is not going to be between
the two of us anyway. I also just I can't help but
wonder for the 20 report who report, you know, vaginal
orgasms or, you know, frequency of that, if there is actual some
like clitoris stimulation or other stimulation that is
happening during sex. And they're counting it as like
I had the orgasm during sex and therefore was a vaginal one.
But I maybe that's you're right. I see your face.
You're like, don't belittle those women who reported that I
knew what they were doing. Yeah.
No, I mean, I think I can't have it, especially because I again,
like, I feel like there if you have like certain angles, I'm
making hand gestures here that you can't see.
But you know, like I could see like the mechanics of it as
sometimes there is like pressure against the clitoris even if
there's not like somebody digitally stimulating it.
So I think that's like kind of the point.
You're on time. The whole like position for
that. Yeah, exactly.
The whole G spot thing, I don't know, you know?
I used to G spots was a big Cosmo thing like the 18 G spots
and I used to really think about those.
G spots this is going to be a separate episode, but I, I would
like this is when we bring in our gynecologist specialist,
we're going to bring in that expert because I have questions
about that. But then again, I don't know
because I have also not been with a man who is literally so
big that he extends all the way up to my throat.
And so in that case, you may be experiencing something that
feels like an orgasm because it is actually your body just like
convulsing and. That's I kept on seeing.
This near death. That was like, if the guy in
like, books and stuff, like if the guy like, curls his fingers
while he's fingering you, like he hits the spot or something.
And so I was curious. I was like, maybe I'm missing
something. Maybe it just never happened.
And so I asked for it. And I was like, Oh yeah.
I haven't really, I don't know. But I let's, let's bring an
expert in here because as previously mentioned, my only
sex education that wasn't abstinence only came through
Cosmo and I'm not sure how reliable of a sex Ed teacher
that was. So we'll leave that one to the
experts. You know what made me happy is
that a guy who reported that he always gives his partner
multiple orgasms and that if anything the ratio is in her
favor, not his. He said that some early on
education that he got was from Maxim and that Maxim had a whole
article. So I would call that, you know,
men's version of Cosmo, that it's like licking an ice cream
cone. Oh yeah, I have read some good
sex. I lived in a Co Ed dorm in
college and so some of my dorm neighbors were subscribers to
Maxim. So I was reading the articles
because I don't know if it's just Playboy that you read for
the articles or what, but yeah, there was like some genuine
yeah, like tips in there. Thank you, Maxim.
I look it out for us. Have you?
Heard the ABC's one too. Yeah, I think that that was
like, I feel like I've heard that, that when people have
gotten that one from Maxim of like do the whole alphabet.
Although I feel like that was also in a movie at some point
too. So maybe that one's more.
That's like a guy's talking about what his trick is and he
says like I do the alphabet. Oh now that's really
interesting, I saw I've seen the AB CS reference and I figured it
was like just the ABCI didn't realize they just sit there and
do the alphabet. They do the whole alphabet.
I think the alphabet this supposed to be the tip, but I
think that depends how dedicated to your craft you are, because I
I really think if you got went through ABC or just.
Feedback midway because like they might just realize that
like really only the other thing midway through.
The alphabet, you're just like, wow, that's.
What I'm imagine? And then she's like kind of
tuned out because you've totally lost the sad like rhythm.
Happening. It's like sorry I'm trying to
make my. Pee But this is a man who is
earnestly trying if he is getting through the whole
alphabet, which is more than can be said for like the guy that
you were with the fight in on Reddit and things like that.
So. Yeah, it's just an
incompatibility. She just wants oral and
fingering, and she's not going to get it if that guy is only
interested in vagina. Like, it's like, yeah, well,
yeah, nobody's going to get enjoyment out of that guy.
That guy will be an incel. He would join his little install
community and he'll be like, oh, I just can't find a compatible
person. What's?
Wrong with women these days. It's because they work, but I
think that a big part, I don't know, to me, the big part of the
orgasm gap and it's very difficult to dig into these
things because they're so underreported.
And so, you know, taboo to talk about a lot of these topics is
just asking for things and feeling like your job in the
bedroom isn't just to please the guy.
And I think that that's a big part of it.
I think when you're, you know, a more sexually free woman because
that's how you were raised and all that.
Like if you look at, you know, 2X chromosomes, I would say is a
super sex positive female space. And when this question is posed
there, all the women are like, I'm having tons of orgasms
compared to my partner where you're talking about it.
And it's like, well, but this is like a very distinct space of
people who would go on this. There is a huge other amount of
women in the United States who are in very, you know, much more
conservative relationships where their, the dynamics are totally
different. And yeah.
I'd be curious to read, I know there's been a number of studies
and, and you and I both read a few of them on the orgasm gap,
but, and, and they were, you know, broken down by different
things. I was reading one that was age
based, another one that was based on the, the, you know,
sexuality or the gender of each partner.
I would be really interested to know what kind of other like
lifestyle or ideological things have an impact on it, you know,
similar. What was the one that you had
mentioned in a previous episode about kind of the more
traditional people who viewed relationships traditionally had
like less pleasure? I'd be curious to know like what
the orgasm gap is there between people who hold more traditional
viewpoints versus people who are more either more like sexually
educated or have more sort of like progressive views?
Because while the study on traditional rules was not asking
about orgasms in specific, it was asking about sexual
satisfaction. Women in traditional relations
relationships, we're reporting lower sexual satisfaction, which
would be pretty highly linked to orgasms.
So yeah, and in in my unstudied opinion, but that seems like
there would be an association there.
Well, and also I think that like another thing about like more
conservative groups is that there is a real dim view on like
self exploration or masturbation or anything like that.
And so if you don't have. For women.
Especially for women, like I think with men and at least in
my personal experience, What is the Devil's DJ?
Imagine the the Devil DJ. No, I have not heard that one.
Does an Angel die when you do that one too?
Yeah, there you are, up there in your bedroom playing the devil's
DJ. That's so, that's so cringy that
it's actually funny. Yeah.
Like I do feel like, yeah, with men, there's much more of this
like, oh, you know, it's forbidden, but we all kind,
unless you're like the very extreme, like Mike Johnson and
his son that had that like app when they have to report to each
other. You don't.
You're giving me a confused look.
I'm 90% sure it's Mike Johnson that was doing it.
But there's this like fundamentalist Christian app
that is like supposed to be an accountability thing to reduce.
It's not just masturbation. It's like looking at porn like
any kind of like sinful behavior, but it's something
like it. Well, you set an account to
Billa buddy so that if you do do that, like if you look at porn,
that it alerts your buddy. And I think it was Mike Johnson.
You don't want the speaker. Of the house and he was talking
about how he and his son were account to billa buddies with
each other and I was like what a weird relationship dynamic.
Oh my gosh, I just want to give a ton of credit to my parents,
which is that they would never in a million years want that
information or to hear it. Yeah, I know.
I do feel like at least my parents had like enough of a
don't ask, don't tell that they knew that there was more going
on. And like, in an ideal world,
there would have been like an actual conversation happening
and like talking about protection and getting birth
control and things like that. But in lieu of that, I will
accept just like not having a conversation at all versus
making your kid part of your like weird plot about your their
own like porn addiction or something.
But anyway, to get back on that topic, yeah, I feel like there's
at least like there's conversations about it right in,
in the more fundamentalist kinds of Christian groups.
Whereas like women masturbating is like it doesn't even like
enter. It's so shameful that it like
doesn't even enter. And it's just like sort of this
whole like you just don't even know what is down there.
Like you've never looked. You can't name anything.
And there was a study by you, by UK, by their government, and it
showed that about only 2/3 of men and women could identify
where the clitoris was on a diagram of the well.
There's your orgasm gap right there, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah. If a third don't know where the
clitoris is, that's where the problem starts.
And only about half could identify like which hole was the
vagina hole, which means I'm not alone when I was in high school.
But still it just shows like this basic education is missing.
And then what a woman you know in high school and college needs
to know to be able to self explore and how to get started
to self explore and how to not feel shame about it.
But I do think that at least 5% of the men that claim to not
know which hole was the vagina are just men trying to have anal
sex and they're like, I thought it was the vagina.
Oh my gosh, guess we're having. Sex.
Now that sounds like something that sounds like something a
college boyfriend would do and. Then like go back to the dorm
all proud. Yeah, I think if like in the
movie Stranger wait, horror things with with Emma Thompson
and you know, it's a baby's brain is put into a grown adult.
And so she starts getting a little bit older.
And so when she has like a six year old brain, she uses an
apple to masturbate and she's like, whoa, this feels so good.
But it's like, do you even have the opportunity when you're
younger to do that during any point, you know, not with an
apple. Don't.
Don't use an apple. I know a neighbor told me when I
was in high school that she uses her electric toothbrush.
And looking back, genius neighbor.
Yeah, she found vibrators. Electric toothbrushes.
Honestly that was like self massagers that everybody is
buying from Costco and The Sharper Image.
Heart younger brother got me this like gigantic massager and
he gave one to me and one to my partner and he's like what did
he mean this like? He's like.
No, my shoulder just really hurts and so I started using it.
It's so great that I wanted like all the family to have it.
I was like, you just got everybody a vibrator and your
heart is so sweet you don't even realize that's.
So pure. If we think about closing this
gap, I first of all think that you just have your partner
listen to good girls because I learned so many great tips here.
And also, you know what books, what magazines are great and
just normalizing that. And you know, again, it doesn't
have to be like a parent giving it to their child.
Like I'm going to teach you how to successfully masturbate.
But just leaving open, you know, you can read these books, these
magazines, which might have some helpful.
Content yeah, I mean maybe more I so I do remember having
conversations with several people that like their moms
would have those like Harlequin romance kinds of things on the
shelves and it's like. But when you have those kinds of
things around it's I mean I'm sure the mom is up, especially
back in the like 90s. We're not leaving those books
there for their daughters to find them and explore their
sexuality. But I do think that those kinds
of books are another way, as we have often talked about romance
novels being a good way to kind of explore these topics without
reading a textbook on human sexuality.
It's like a good way to explore them, even if those ones are
maybe not the most. I don't know.
I was gonna say they're most gender equal, but I feel like
they still like the Harlequin old tiny ones.
They still do very much like focus first on like the female
orgasm and things like that. And you know, it's funny because
I used to read a lot of historical fiction because my
dad and I used to bond by both reading the same books.
I hope it was smutty. Historical fiction OK,
historical function always has sexual scenes, but they're still
like kind of a little bit more like men.
Based that. If only I had also been reading
the same books as with your. Dad so that you can start a
conversation with your dad about this he's.
Commented before, like, yeah, the books always have scenes.
And then you see the picture of the author and you're like,
they're just fantasizing and things just again, making it
open. Do we need a Sesame Street
episode on locating the clitoris?
You know, probably not. Somebody's going to cancel us
just for saying that. Yeah, Big Bird.
Oh guys, I want to make sure you know this since 1/3 of you
don't. Well, the, the book that I had
mentioned before that I was reading, the birds, the Bees and
the Elephant in the room does like talk about just like having
things be like very open from a young age.
And I was surprised by her suggestion for like when to
provide condoms for young boys. She was actually suggesting like
having them available to them, like just putting a box under
the sink as young as like when they're starting puberty,
because it also being like an encouragement.
Why is it normalizing it? But also encouraging them for
them to masturbate into a condom to make it clean up more easy
than like clogging up your pipes or like finding the doing having
to do gym sock laundry. And I was like, that's kind of
brilliant because then it's also like a lot of practice with
putting on a condom and that they're not this like funny
thing, but I was like, I I really agree with that.
And at the same time having a hard time picturing me giving my
like 9 year old. Son, a box of.
Condoms and they not ending up like having something very silly
happening to them. What would be more disturbing?
Like a gluey sock and realizing why it's gluey.
Or looking in the garbage bin and realizing that and just like
seeing a bunch of. Condoms.
Used condoms in there. Either way, this is just not a
developmental stage that I've had to get to yet.
And to be honest, I'm not, I don't, I'm not looking to get to
that one anytime soon, but you got to appreciate.
That little kids brains go right to our natural animalistic
places at a very early space Freud may have been.
Right about one thing little there I don't want to.
Call any particular kid perverts.
But they currently certainly. Have a lot of comfort with
nudity in their bodies and all that great stuff.
So I know just tying up this conversation and we'll get to a
few other things to to end the episode.
There was an article in the Wall Street Journal and it was on the
sex recession. It used data from Newark, which
used to be the National Opinion Research Center, but now they
just literally go by Newark at University of Chicago.
And it was done in 2024. And they found that sex is like
drastically down. Just 37% of people aged 18 to 64
report having sex at least once a week.
That's down 55% from 1990. And the decline is even bigger
for young adults, where about 1/4 have not had sex in the last
year, twice as many as 2010. So that's like a major, major
difference. And guys, if we're going to
close this sex recession, then you got to get a little better
in bed because women today, you know, I guess 'cause there's no.
Orgasm guys advice and they're just, you know, waiting till
they find a man who is actually adopt at these things and then
when we're coming back disappointed, we're like, why
are we wasting? Yeah, I need a compatible
partner. And so if you don't want to go
down on our finger, then I will just keep on waiting for my
compatible partner instead of telling you that you're a
selfish jerk. Did they go into what the?
What they think that the main reasons are for the sex
recession if they did. Unfortunately, I can't super
explain it why, but I do think that especially for that age
group, there's just a lot of like the 18 to 29 one, There's a
lot of like social isolation that happened during COVID and
there's a lot less drinking. There's a lot, there's a lot
less go going out with your friends.
All those things that lead to that was what I had heard is.
Like a lot of like millennial sexual experimentation, like
getting initiation was happening like somewhat fueled by alcohol
or other drugs. And so that's like kind of a
positive thing that it's also, I mean, not that we like
necessarily regret anything that we did that had like alcohol and
associated with sex. But I think that there was like
room for a lot of stuff go wrong.
And a lot of millennials experienced, you know, things
that just left a lot of room open for like things the next
day. We were like, I don't know that
that was like sexual assault or not.
It felt icky. It felt like there wasn't really
fully consent given because you can't fully give consent when
you're intoxicated. So I am, I have a lot of respect
for Gen. Z in that way that maybe they
are just like holding out for genuine connection and you know
men that actually want to read their maxim advice columns.
I have heard from people. Dating now that there is a
feeling in that because it's so easy to date and it's easy but
it's hard because you know, like if you live in New York City,
for example, you're on like 5 different dating apps, you have
literally endless people you can meet that there is a feeling
when they go out with people that's almost on both sides of
like they're like, well we can find somebody else.
We can find somebody better. And so if you at all don't have
all the characteristics I'm looking before, then I'm going
to keep on searching. And that there's almost like
this part of like, how to be a social human that that was lost
during COVID and like, how to, you know, be in long term
relationships. And another piece of advice
would be to move it to a city because cities are the best.
Yeah. A lot easier to meet people.
And potentially meet people because they know some people
are so sick of the apps, but that there is more potential
opportunity to meet people other ways.
Although again, I don't know, I, I mean, I have heard various
research things about kind of how people just are not, I don't
want to say prioritizing relationships like people don't
care about them as much anymore. But I think because it is so
much work and it does feel like it's just like a part time job
is what I've heard a lot of people describing it.
Of like you have of, of just that you're basically like a
recruiter trying to fill a position where you have like
these overflow of applications and you're trying to like set
search criteria that aren't like too tight, that you're like
screening out potential good candidates.
But also not like, so you have 500 applicants that you have to
process and like spend all your time sifting through.
So I do. Do you think that it's it's very
real? Yeah.
And that. Was mentioned in the article
that somebody said dating became so exhausting that there were
just better ways to fill my time like now instead I'm part of a
bullying league. I volunteer on this night.
I do all these different things I do a running club.
But because when I was going on dates, I was ultimately losing
time that could have been spent doing enjoyable things where you
should theoretically be able to meet a person through doing
those other things. I don't know actually.
I I personally love dating and when I met my partner and
realized like that was the closest thing to my soul mate
that I think is possible I was like.
But I'm going to miss dating so much like I do like to.
Sometimes live vicariously through people who are still
dating, mostly because then it's like a fun little trip into
somebody else's life instead of having to deal with that full
time. But it is just.
And I do miss the the like people watching aspect of it.
If you knew. Exactly like okay, within one
year I will find somebody and XYZ so I can just have fun for
three or four months. I don't know, I had the time of
my life going to like happy hours.
Go on a break or something like open up your relation, open up
your. Marriage for six months.
But I think like one other thing.
Is that it's also just like the existential and maybe this is
like everybody's like total like decrease in sex and not just
single people, but it's also just like the general
existential dread that exists all around us.
And I think there's a certain amount of like some of this
comes from this like biological urge to like, you know, mate and
reproduce and things. And I think that so many of us,
even people who are in like a partnered relationship are like
or owner like didn't really want kids or you know, like what is
I? I just think that it kind of
takes away some of that like biological drive a little bit
because you're just like the world is on fire.
So I have genuine questions about that.
That one seems harder to research.
Also another one that I came up across just for sort of men.
Maybe this is more one for the orgasm gap is hormonal birth
control is another one in general.
I had somebody, a friend who's a therapist had said that once
that that is like a common thing in heterosexual relationships is
like, obviously men's hormones affect their sex drive and
things, but they don't have them on such a cyclical kind of
thing. And so she was like, it is very
common for women to have natural hormonal fluctuations and that
naturally your body like you have a higher sex drive closer
to when you're ovulating. So you would have more like ups
and downs versus like a male sex drive being kind of more like
constant. And then in addition, if you're
on hormonal birth control, which includes a lot of Iuds too, I
know a lot of people I'm on are on Iuds that it's basically
disrupting that natural hormonal highs and lows and that it
decreases overall some of the hormones that are associated
with with sex drive and a little.
AD that I am receiving no actual ad money for is that I have not
experienced that with the Marina.
The Marina has been fantastic in keeping all drives intact.
Oh yeah, I have the Marina too. And I, it's hard for me to say
sometimes because it's also hard like I've been on a number of
different birth control. I really did not enjoy being on
oral contraceptives. I felt like I did notice that
I've just like a lot of sexual. Side effects and it's just very
hard to remember. To take them so like that seems
like not the best for most people but it is often what is
easiest to get a hold of, especially if you are young.
But I've had like Nuva ring before and so I've been on
different news to always come. Out on the guy's pennies.
And that's just like, it looks so weird when it does like when
it's like wrapped around it's Garcia.
He's just so large that he's just.
Suctioning out everything that's in there.
OK, this happened before my. Current relationship no, but I
think that. That that is another, but it's
hard for me to say that for example, because I feel like
there's been so many other like factors that were changing, then
it's hard for me to isolate. And I know a few people like I
did have somebody who had like such a terrible reaction to the
birth control that she was on that she became like extremely
depressed and like went off of it and immediately had a relief
from symptoms. So I think sometimes it's also
harder to tell if you are having a decrease in sex drive due to
that. But if you have small kids, is
it because you have low energy because of your kids?
Is it this? It's that it's hard to I mean,
obviously you can't do a science experiment so easily in your own
life. And even if you did, you have an
equals 1. So it would not be so accurate.
But I think that there's, it's hard to sometimes like pull out
for women more for people in general.
Like there probably are specific things in your life, especially
'cause I think women have more of that like drain of since
there's a lot of studies showing that women do the higher share
of the household tasks, things like that, that that can
obviously be something that effects your sex drive.
So I think sometimes you get moms who are like doing more of
like a OK, like I'm just like participating in this because I
know that this is like a thing that couples are supposed to do.
But like, honestly, I'm exhausted.
My mind's in six other places. Like I think with all the mental
load that like those are some of the things that can contribute
as well to like women being more like going into a sexual
encounter with just like, oh, I'm just going to like get this
done with so that I can. And that's supposed to be like
very. Cyclical that if you let that,
if you go into it with that happening where you're like, oh,
I'm having sex because I don't really want it, but I'm just
doing it because it's something that I should say yes to and I'm
not going to enjoy it, Then your body stops responding as much
like the next subsequent time. So even times where you were in
a situation where you might have your body's now, like no, she
told me in the past that I don't need to get all ready for this
and I'm not super excited to have sex with this person.
Yeah, that your mental. Association with it is more that
especially then and then we're like going to bring back in all
of the cultural things that you have and like the religious
upbringing where it is just more of like the wife's
responsibility or we've talked about purity culture.
When you've been like raised in a situation your whole life
where you've been told that sex is dirty and sex makes you
impure, that you, your brain doesn't just like move over so
easily then to like, oh, sex is fun and everybody's pleasure
matters and we do this because it's enjoyable.
Your brain, like probably for a lot of people with conservative
Christian upbringing, their brains are still struggling to
make that switch over. So then when you have other
environmental factors or you have men who are kind of
fumbling around, not able to locate the clitoris or even the
vagina, then, you know, I think that you can definitely have.
You can see where the situation comes from.
Yeah, I think. That if you were raised in some
certain environments that telling somebody, hey, I need a
little bit longer, hey, like we're moving right on into sex
and this is going to be done in X amount actually, then can you
stay here for like 5 more minutes?
So I'm ready not to give minute amounts to it, but just the
idea. Of taking time for yourself and
feeling like you deserve to tell somebody else that they're going
to need to hold off and wait a little bit or do a little bit
more work for you to be ready. It's not something that I think
comes naturally to or like to be able to name.
What those things are, that might be the steps that need to
happen before you're even ready for like.
What would be more broadly considered foreplay, like from
from like if if your sexual knowledge comes from like
watching porn or reading Maxim or whatever, I think that's for
some women. There are steps that would
happen before that to even get you to the point where you would
want clerical stimulation or something like that.
I think to know to ask for those or to be OK with like that being
part of the steps. Because as much as we gave porns
and props in this episode for like having, you know, maybe the
woman come several times before we get to the man.
Well, not before we get to the man, but before the man comes.
But everything that's happening is still very He comes in and
delivers the pizza and within 30 seconds she's got her top off
and they're going down on each other and stuff like that.
She's just so ready from having the she's.
So she's just really enjoying. That so that part less
realistic, okay. So to tie up this episode, the
orgasmic gap exists. It's real.
There's some big lack of education that happens that
might be contributing to it. There's gender dynamics that
might be contributing to it, It just seems like it's so many.
Factors that for everybody there are probably really different
reasons like if you looked at you know 6 different people who
were like experiencing that in their relationships like you
would probably come up with like 6 really different reasons as to
why exactly they're experiencing it yes so.
The best thing that you can do to solve it is to listen to the
good girls podcast and like and subscribe, obviously, but also
to have open conversations with your partner to to make sure
that everybody's kind of up on on what they can't be doing open
minded, open channels of. Communication, open minded,
trying different things, being well, I feel yeah, like not
having if there is some kind of this is a relationship that has
more kind of habitual nature to it, being willing to kind of
start in a different place, move at a different speed, try some
different things, yes. Get a diagram.
Find out where the clitoris is located if you find where the
clitoris. Is it's probably if you find the
G spot. Comment Yeah, tell us.
Tell us about these G spots and how they work for you.
And it's a very specific just give us a little map and then
write to Cosmo and. Thank them for teaching us about
the G spot. Yeah, I think feel like I've.
Seen like 19 of them mapped out sometimes and I'm like I don't
know. I really only know if one is on
my clitoris. But I also want to celebrate
because we have officially made it to episode 8 and episode 7 is
where the pod fade happens that about half of podcasts don't get
through. So here we are.
And not only are we here, but we have our own subreddit now
called the Good Girls Forum. And you know, it's four of us,
but man, the four of us that are there are wonderful and it's
engaging and it's a way that we usually use this conversations
and to think about, you know, different podcast topics and
different things to think about on our already chosen podcast
topics. So it's a nice way to,
especially when we post poll. Questions and some other
subreddits. Apparently we're not allowed to
do that, so we I don't want Scott Hammer.
Banning me from the sex Reddit for asking a question with no
self promotion again so I had to start my own form.
Plus, I want to hear from our listener.
In Saudi Arabia. Tell us more.
Yes, our Saudi. Arabian listener, we're not
trying to de identify you, but you're very welcome to comment
at any time. We would love to engage with you
just like drop a casual. Post like we won't we won't out
you or anything, but we do want to know more yeah, we don't want
you being. Tied up unless you want to be.
Have a great day everybody. Thank you for listening.