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This is my fourth time trying to
record this podcast episode, so 

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this one's it. 
This is going to be it. 

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Welcome to Something positive 
for Positive people. 

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I'm Courtney Brain. 
Something positive for positive 

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people is A5O1C3 nonprofit 
organization supporting people 

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navigating herpes stigma. 
Excuse me, today's my 13 year 

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herpes anniversary. 
It's March 23rd. 

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I went through Facebook and 
scrolled all the way back to 

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when I sent a message to the 
person that one of the people 

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that I most recently had had sex
with and I noticed that we're 

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not friends anymore. 
So I don't know if a long time 

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ago ex-girlfriend logged into my
Facebook and removed women, 

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which is the thing that's 
happened in the past, or she 

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removed me from her friends 
list. 

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So that, that's interesting. 
I, I hadn't really suspected 

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this person of giving me herpes 
before until like now. 

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And I'm like, wait a minute, 
That's weird. 

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But it could have been a number 
of things like it. 

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Some people just unfriend people
because they don't remember, 

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want to remember certain parts 
of their lives or whatever. 

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But it is what it is. 
I ain't hardening on it. 

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This past weekend we had the 
Herpes Stigma Expo in Brooklyn, 

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NY. 
We had a turn out of about 30 

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people, which yay, I'm so hyped 
for. 

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I brought in Lauren Key who does
the one woman show Deal Breaker,

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which is a really great show and
creative way of talking about 

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her experience with herpes and 
dating. 

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If you get the opportunity to 
check it out, please do. 

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I do intend on doing more of 
these herpes stigma Expos not 

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just in New York but around the 
country, but I need for people 

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to if you want to have in person
communities like what this was 

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was essentially a day long 
retreat in the form of a support

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group. 
I opened with like an hour and a

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half, two hour long support 
group, letting people just 

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share, ask questions, get 
feedback from one another, vent 

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whatever it was that they 
needed. 

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And then we went into this 
documentary screening from 

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Jolene Hernandez and No Shame in
his game film. 

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And then they had a panel 
discussion afterwards. 

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We had a break, we had lunch and
we did a couple of recordings of

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simulations of talking about sex
and sexual health and 

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relationships. 
So I look forward to those 

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videos being dropped. 
Shout out to Jay the 

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videographer, for coming through
and capturing some of the event 

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as well as supporting me and 
doing those simulations. 

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And then after that, we just, we
talked and socialized and then 

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we had the crafter disclosure 
that was supposed to be what it 

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was. 
But I had gotten to talk to 

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everybody individually to see 
how they were, where they were. 

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And most people were feeling 
like overwhelmed people were 

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feeling, you know, a little bit 
heavy, like they were processing

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a lot. 
So the combination of the 

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various emotions that people 
were experiencing, these were 

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all things that I wanted to 
acknowledge and make space for 

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as well. 
So in making the space for sad 

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things, what ended up happening 
was that I had to stiff gears a 

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little bit to not make it 
exclusively about, hey, here's 

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grading and disclosure stuff. 
But I wanted to make sure that 

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it had some alignment for where 
people were feeling or how 

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people were feeling about where 
they were in those moments. 

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So we did like a brief 
meditation grounding exercise to

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just feel where we were and come
out of that state with more of 

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AI don't wanna say positive, but
more of like a neutral and 

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grounded sense before we went 
into the discussion about dating

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with herpes and disclosing 
discussing our status. 

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So it was it was nice. 
It was a very lovely experience.

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I got a lot of positive 
feedback. 

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People do want to do it again. 
The event venue that it was 

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expensive for how few people we 
had because they had 30 was 

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cool, but I, I got the space 
where we could have usually had 

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7080 people in there. 
So I, I would like to, I don't 

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want to start capping the events
at a certain number of people, 

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but I do want to find like size 
appropriate venue. 

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So that might mean, all right, 
listen, we're capping this at 20

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and that's that. 
But yeah, if you are listening 

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to this and you decide that you 
want to be part of any kind of 

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in person support support 
groups, you got to subscribe to 

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the newsletter. 
I send an average of 1.5 

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newsletters per month. 
You will get more if you are 

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signed up for an upcoming event 
because I need to tell you where

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it is and all the details and 
give you updates. 

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But outside of that, the 
newsletter shows the podcast 

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episodes that were dropped from 
the month, any articles that 

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happened, any upcoming travels 
or speaking opportunities. 

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Like this is how we engage with 
the community and keep people up

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to date on where we are and what
we're doing. 

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So if that is something of 
interest to you and you are 

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looking for more of the in 
person experiences, then it's 

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very important that you 
subscribe to the newsletter 

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that's www.spfp.org/herpes Dash 
newsletter. 

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And this kind of also helps me 
with knowing like where there's 

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interest for particular events 
if I am to put together another 

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one that is something positive 
for positive people expose where

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we can have that full day of 
support. 

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If there's going to be any kind 
of like retreat style thing, 

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like I want to connect with 
y'all and I want for us to be 

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able to put it in places that 
make sense right now. 

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New York and then Cali, then 
Texas, then Florida, then 

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Georgia are the top five states 
where there's a lot of searches 

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for herpes and something 
positive for positive people. 

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And when people sell out the 
one-on-one support calls, they 

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don't generally accept the 
marketing. 

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But I see that this is where a 
lot of the people are. 

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So I might hear from a person 
one time and then that's it. 

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But in order for us to get the 
ongoing support that we need, 

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like I, I need y'all to stay on 
the newsletter, 'cause I'm not, 

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I'm not on social media, on my 
phone. 

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I might check it, you know, 
every few days or if I know that

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there's a thing that I'm 
expecting like this past 

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weekend, I know that I was 
tagged and some stuff. 

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So I would go to my laptop and 
be able to approve the 

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collaboration or reshare the 
post or whatever. 

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So that's really the only reason
I'm on social media and I'm so 

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grounded and present now that I 
haven't been on there. 

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And it's really been something 
that has helped me in general 

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over these last three weeks 
because I feel like the quality 

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of who I am has significantly 
increased versus the quantity of

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like what I have to give, right?
Like I use this analogy. 

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I'm in this program for like 
people interested in quantum 

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physics, right? 
It's a coaching program, let me 

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say that. 
And one of the things that I 

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recognize for myself is that I 
can be engaged but not be 

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present. 
So like, I can be right here and

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recording this podcast episode, 
but be texting on my phone. 

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I can be like twiddling my 
thumbs and my feet. 

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I can be like, oh, you know, 
right after this, I got to run 

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into this thing. 
I can be sitting here eating, 

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right? 
So I could be engaged and have 

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my presence directed in all 
these different directions, but 

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I can't be present and not 
engaged. 

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I can be engaged, not present, 
but I can't be present and not 

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engaged. 
So I've been prioritizing that 

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for myself and being able to 
deliver a greater quality of 

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support on the calls and in the 
support groups, the quality of 

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which, the quality of the 
events, the quality of the 

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marketing. 
Like I, I've gotten all these 

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creative ideas, my memory done, 
got better y'all, since getting 

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off social media. 
And I, I'm, I'm grateful. 

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I'm very grateful for this state
that I've entered and being able

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to get off of there 'cause that 
was hard. 

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I remember when I was thinking 
about what I wanted to give up 

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for my son, Copa, which is 
again, lifelong intention. 

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I wanted to nurture my nature. 
And one of the ways that I was 

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not nurturing my nature has been
in being so involved with social

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media that it's made me less 
involved in what's happening 

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immediately within me and around
me. 

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So I've been able to get a lot 
more in tune with what's 

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happening in my body, my nervous
system, and I'm like much more 

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in tune with the environment, 
dancing. 

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I've been doing Brazilian Zoot. 
That's gotten better for me. 

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I've I'm, I'm single single now.
I haven't been single single for

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a long time. 
Even after like my last 

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relationship, I think I took 
three months to just not see 

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anybody. 
And then immediately after 

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started to like see people and 
kind of just pick up where I 

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left off from the relationship 
and treat people like we were in

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a relationship, which that that 
led to some things. 

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But that's, that's not a 
conversation for today. 

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So that that's trying to avoid 
the diary thing. 

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I'm, I'm realizing that I've 
been struggling to create 

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podcast episodes because on one 
hand I like to say it's not 

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about me, and then on the other 
hand, that feels very 

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dismissive. 
I had this dream last night. 

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I wrote it out. 
I wrote out like a lot of the 

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notes from it. 
And in this dream, I talked to 

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this lady who was I guess like a
psychic or something, 'cause one

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of the things that she said to 
me that stood out is that I 

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don't see myself how other 
people see me. 

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Like I do the work that I do, 
something positive work. 

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And I'm all these things to 
people. 

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I am a coach, I am a yoga 
teacher person. 

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I am an inspiration. 
I am somebody that people feel 

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empowered by. 
But I think I over calibrate for

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humility. 
So it's not to come off as 

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arrogant or any kind of like 
narcissist or anything that can 

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be negatively tied to that. 
And so having had that, having 

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had that dream, having had that 
experience, like I, I see how 

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much that does weigh on me and I
try and like hold it to myself 

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for a variety of reasons. 
And I, I try not to talk about 

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my experiences too much, but I 
end up talking about them 

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anyway. 
It would be so easy for me to 

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just be like, hey, y'all, like I
need guests. 

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Come on, let's talk about your 
experience, 'cause that's the 

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easy thing to do. 
But I realized that it's not the

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medical professionals, the 
doctors, the public health 

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professionals and mental health 
professionals and therapists. 

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That's not who's listening to 
this podcast. 

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And I know I've said this 
before, but I, I need the 

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reminder for myself that this 
podcast is for people who are 

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actively going through it. 
This podcast is for people who 

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are living with herpes. 
This podcast is for people who 

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are looking for the experiences 
of people who have herpes. 

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And I'm a fucking person who has
experiences with herpes. 

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And I, I, I forget that 
sometimes. 

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And you know, it's not always 
hard because like I'll share my 

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status with somebody and it's, 
it's never an issue because of 

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where I'm at when I'm talking 
about it, like the way that I go

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about talking, telling somebody,
it's like, hey, I see things 

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going this direction. 
Sexual health is important to 

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me. 
Like you're in a place to talk 

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about it. 
Cool. 

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Alright, I was last tested for 
these things this long ago. 

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Here's what came back negative. 
Here's what came back positive. 

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What about you? 
And it's as simple as that. 

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We make it a conversation from 
there. 

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But often times like I don't 
know that I really have had the 

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experiences of getting to do 
that lately because I've not 

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been dating. 
And when I was like dating, I 

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think I, I ended up in 
relationships like I ended up 

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past the dating point and into 
what felt like relationships 

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already like skipping the being 
friends, skipping the dating, 

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skipping the like curiosity in 
one another 'cause it felt like 

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it, it was with people that I 
kind of already knew to some 

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extent and then being able to go
from there. 

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And so I haven't really had to 
have like that accurate of a 

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conversation in actually a a 
minute. 

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And whenever I do go out, it's 
like, or I'm, I'm in a position 

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where maybe that could be a 
thing. 

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I shit, I just don't, I fuck it 
up some kind of way. 

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I got to go here in a minute 
because I do have a support 

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call. 
But I'm, I say all of that to 

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say, like in reflecting on my 
last 13 years of living with 

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herpes, I do want to share more 
of my personal experiences. 

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I do want to be more supportive 
to people through this podcast 

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like this is that's what this is
for. 

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It's for people with herpes to 
come hear from people with 

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herpes. 
And regardless of whether or not

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I'm getting guests, I, I don't 
want to guess who don't want to 

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be on camera. 
That's I think that that's 

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right. 
That's one of the biggest things

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for me right now is I don't want
to perpetuate stigma any more 

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than it already is by bringing 
anonymous faces voices here. 

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No, I want, if you want to talk 
about your experience like 

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we're, we're going to do it. 
Or if you're going to do it, 

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let's do it. 
So if it's just me and this shit

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sound like a diary or journal 
entry, then that's just what it 

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is. 
Because again, like this is what

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people come here for. 
And also this is what I want to 

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do. 
Like I can't be so focused on 

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the outcome of, OK, well, you 
know, people are going to come 

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here and they're going to get 
these things like they're going 

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to be able to. 
No, I can only focus on the 

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output. 
So it's output over outcome. 

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And I think that after 13 years 
living with herpes, that's what 

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it's about. 
Not necessarily attaching to 

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anything, but being non attached
to the outcome to the point 

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where you can just focus on the 
output. 

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So when I go to, you know, they 
produce these podcasts episodes,

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all I can do is just what I do. 
I can only do what I do and what

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I know to do and focus on that 
and not be focused on making 

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sure that you get something out 
of it and that you get the the 

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right thing out of it. 
No, I feel called to continue to

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do the podcast is I connect with
y'all, engage with y'all and 

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share the information cause 
Instagram is not rocking with me

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right now. 
Social media in general, but the

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website and the podcast has been
getting people in. 

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We're still at like 70 ish 
support call signups per month. 

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Not everybody shows, which is 
perfectly fine. 

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People will come when they're 
ready. 

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But yeah, I, I want to just give
you all that expectation of 

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like, yeah, you're just going to
hear more of my own personal 

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experiences unless we have 
guests that are comfortable with

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being on and I'll produce these 
podcast episodes as it feels, 

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you know, relevant. 
I don't want to just be saying 

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shit. 
Just be saying shit. 

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So that's what you have to look 
forward to. 

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Please subscribe to the 
newsletter because I, I need to 

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know where people are so that I 
can bring things and events to 

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these places 'cause people be 
like, well, why don't you do 

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something here or why didn't I 
know about this? 

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I, I'm showing up. 
So that's really all I can do. 

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But yeah, if y'all get nothing 
out of this, like I, I hope that

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the recap of the Herpes Stigma 
Expo was good and that you just 

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have an idea of what to expect 
moving forward. 

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Whenever I don't have guests, 
like this is probably going to 

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be just what the podcast looks 
like. 

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I may come on and share a story 
and like this is my life living 

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with herpes here after this 
today, my 13 year herpes 

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anniversary. 
So when I come back to this, 

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I'll tell y'all what I did, how 
it was. 

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And yeah, we, we can share a 
little bit more. 

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But I think that this is a good 
place to leave it, you know, 

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till next time. 
I wanted to just let y'all know.

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Stay present. 
Stay present.