1 00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:07,120 All right hello and welcome to Something Positive for Positive 2 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:08,760 People. I'm Courtney Brown. 3 00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:12,520 Something Positive for Positive People is A5O1C3 nonprofit 4 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:15,120 organization supporting people who are navigating herpes 5 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:17,360 statement. In addition to that, we are 6 00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:21,320 teaching people how to discuss their herpes status with 7 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:23,760 partners. We're also teaching people in 8 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:28,840 the medical field how to deliver a diagnosis and the to talk to 9 00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:32,640 their patients not just about their herpes status or questions 10 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:35,800 they may have, but also about how to communicate with partners 11 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:39,360 about sex and sexual health in a way that is free of stigma. 12 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:42,520 If you're watching this, you'll notice that my background's 13 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,400 different. I rented a little space in the 14 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:49,000 library and I thought they had like little, little rooms, 15 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:52,440 little studio rooms. But these are like classroom 16 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:55,320 settings and I don't know if I like this. 17 00:00:55,320 --> 00:01:00,680 So today we going to see what it looks like and go from there. 18 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:05,680 I'm trying to worry at myself in a way that don't make me look 19 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:08,240 crazy, but I don't know that that's going to happen. 20 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:15,080 All right, so I got my notes, so I'm going to be able to stay on 21 00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:18,200 topic. I like this setting the 22 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:22,040 expectation of just one podcast recording per month because if I 23 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,760 do 2, yay, that's a bonus. And it just so happens that I 24 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:27,520 have two. So I'm recording this one now, 25 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:30,320 which I had to reserve the the space for in advance. 26 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:32,520 And then someone reached out to me. 27 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:35,280 We're going to be doing another recording today, this afternoon, 28 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:38,920 and I'll release that in the middle of June along with the 29 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,160 newsletter. If you are listening to this 30 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:43,600 podcast episode and you have not signed up for the Something 31 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,560 Positive for Positive People newsletter, please do. 32 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:52,920 It's SP fpp.org/herpes Dash newsletter and if you even just 33 00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:55,360 Google herpes newsletter, it'll be the first thing that comes 34 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:57,160 up. Yay 'cause it took a lot of work 35 00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:00,600 to get there as well. So let's go through the 36 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:04,000 housekeeping. Just so you know, the theme of 37 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:10,240 this podcast episode is motivated and inspired by a 38 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:13,640 recent support call that I had. I had a call with a gentleman 39 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:19,000 who I felt sad for. He hung up on me when we got 40 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:22,120 towards the end of the call after we finally got to the 41 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:24,760 undercurrent of what he was reaching out for. 42 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,040 And without, you know, revealing any information and making 43 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:30,360 people feel like they can't come to me and share their stories 44 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:32,040 without it being a podcast episode. 45 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:35,920 Like, I'm very careful in how I navigate how I'll talk about 46 00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:37,960 this. But yeah, the theme is really 47 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:42,240 inconsistency, manipulation, and also getting rid of that word 48 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:46,800 disclosure. I use it for the sake of the 49 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:50,920 people who have a relationship to the word, being able to find 50 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,440 what it is that they're looking for. 51 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,520 If they look up disclosure, herpes disclosure, how to date 52 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:57,480 with herpes, and disclosure status. 53 00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,640 I want them to be able to find these resources. 54 00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:03,920 So I got to do that. OK, First, let's talk about the 55 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,600 growth of something positive for positive people. 56 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:11,440 The first quarter of the year, we saw an 82% increase in 57 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:14,360 website visitors. This doesn't mean 82% more 58 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,240 people are getting herpes year over year. 59 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:19,320 It just means that the people who are looking for herpes 60 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:23,160 support resources compared to last year who were able to find 61 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,560 us has gone up by 82%. This is incredible. 62 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:31,040 And then the donations that we received are also up 56%, which 63 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:34,400 means nothing from you personally, because in New York 64 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:39,000 State, while they haven't approved me to run something 65 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:43,800 positive in New York, they still take the tax money. 66 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:47,880 So those taxes were a very high amount. 67 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:51,040 Like I pay more in taxes than I was able to pay myself. 68 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:54,200 So it's a good thing I got a job because otherwise I'd be 69 00:03:54,200 --> 00:04:00,200 screwed. So yeah, that is very annoying. 70 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:04,080 So in in in a way. But you know, I get to do this 71 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:07,320 like I'm I'm glad and proud that I get to continue to run this 72 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:11,240 non proud of the organization, even if doing it by the books 73 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:15,720 is, you know, killing me. But it is what it is. 74 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:22,720 Yeah, the social media, it sucks and there's really nothing more 75 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:24,880 to say about that. But it's difficult for people to 76 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,600 access the information that I put out. 77 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,000 So if I host an event, like I just had to cancel something 78 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:33,680 that I had planned for June 16th, 17th, 18th. 79 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:37,280 This was going to be lunch and learn for mental health 80 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:40,400 professionals where the focus on one day, public health was a 81 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,160 focus the second day. And then the third day I was 82 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:45,800 going to focus on people with herpes specifically to be able 83 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:51,080 to create this hour and a half long virtual event for people to 84 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:53,240 be able to register for. I was going to bring in these 85 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:56,520 presenters to speak to the mental health and then the 86 00:04:56,520 --> 00:05:00,440 public health aspect. But I didn't sell any tickets to 87 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,640 it. And by selling tickets, I mean 88 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:06,400 made donations for it. Someone reached out the day I 89 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,440 took it down and they were like, hey, I saw that there was an 90 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:10,080 event, I was going to register for it. 91 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:16,000 And I was like, I took it down and it's pride month, it's men's 92 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:20,200 mental health awareness month. That just, it didn't seem like a 93 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:24,200 good time or a good appropriate placement for something herpes 94 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,360 focused. Especially if the people that I 95 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:30,880 want to come to the event who are in the health space are 96 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:34,600 going to be prioritizing the themes for the month within 97 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:38,560 their organization. So it made no sense for me to go 98 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:42,440 ahead and go through with that and have be be more out of 99 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:46,280 pocket in terms of paying the people that I was bringing in as 100 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:50,040 well. So I apologize, but if you 101 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:53,080 didn't even know that that was a thing, it's because social media 102 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:56,920 just doesn't show my shit. So showing the newsletter, you 103 00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,200 can just search herpes newsletter online and it'll take 104 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:02,640 you directly to the page or anywhere on something positive 105 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:04,240 the website. If you just scroll to the 106 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,200 bottom, you'll see an option to donate. 107 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,640 You'll also see an option to subscribe to the newsletter. 108 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:14,640 I send 1 to 1 1/2 on average newsletter letters on a monthly 109 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,520 basis, so you ain't got to worry about me spamming you with shit. 110 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:21,400 Even people who sign up for events, they're always like, 111 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:23,960 where's the communication? Where's the the communications? 112 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:27,320 Like, hey, I put it out once a month and in the event that 113 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:31,280 there is an event, you'll hear from me even more just to give 114 00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:36,360 you updates, right? Speaking of events, August 29th 115 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,760 there's something positive for positive people herpes get in 116 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:43,320 the conference they are Expo is going to be in New York City and 117 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:46,680 the venue. If you were here in 2023, was it 118 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:52,160 23 or 24 when I had the Something Positive for Positive 119 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:55,080 People Expo because I was going to call it the Safe Sex Expo, 120 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,880 but the wording on social media was getting a shadow banned and 121 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:01,000 we had a good time. I think there were a total of 60 122 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,160 people all together that came in and out of it. 123 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:06,840 But it's at that same space. So if you were there, yay, come 124 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:09,760 to this one too. Right now, tickets are on sale 125 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:13,800 for a recommended donation amount on the website if you go 126 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:18,360 to spfbp.org/expo. I'm also going to be presenting 127 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:21,120 on August 30th, somewhere between August 30th and 128 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:25,160 September 2nd at the SCI Prevention Conference, which 129 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:29,440 will be held in Atlanta from August 30th to September 2nd. 130 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:32,720 So we're going straight from the Expo to the public health space 131 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:33,840 directly. I'll let y'all know. 132 00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:35,960 Like I'm, I'm, I'm serious about this. 133 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:40,320 I'm taking this thing real serious and I get to present in 134 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,640 front of the people who can directly impact change. 135 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:47,160 And my presentation is on safe sex as commutative sex and 136 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:50,240 teaching that STD prevention really needs to go beyond where 137 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:53,920 a condom get tested, know your status and more so into well 138 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:57,120 here is how we go about communicating these things in 139 00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:02,400 between partners so that we can make most accurate of a decision 140 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:05,040 when we're deciding to move forward with someone 141 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,240 romantically. So I'm excited to be able to 142 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:12,000 present that the support groups, the women's group meets the 1st 143 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,520 and 3rd Monday of each month. And then if there happened to be 144 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:18,640 5 Mondays in the month, that fifth one will be Co Ed. 145 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:23,560 So for the month of June, I am looking to bring in a guest or 146 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:30,040 have a specific topic so that we can have a Co Ed group of the 147 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:34,080 men and women so that we can just engage with one another in 148 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:36,960 that kind of a setting around a specific topic. 149 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,960 So if you're used to the support group format, think about that, 150 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:44,159 but kind of dialed back a little bit from the relaxedness of it 151 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:48,040 and more structured. So like there's going to be an 152 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:53,160 integration of the two because I think that that free flow of it 153 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:56,040 is important, but I'm coming into this with something for us 154 00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:58,720 to free flow around, if that makes sense. 155 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:03,000 The women's group has really evolved into much more of an 156 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:07,120 ongoing community. So that's why we have a meeting 157 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:10,440 on the 1st and the 3rd Monday. And I'm currently working on a 158 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:14,320 means of having a community space online where we can 159 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:17,400 continue to engage with one another between the support 160 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:21,480 group meetings. Whereas the men's group, I think 161 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:25,480 it just feels more like out loud advice one-on-one. 162 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:29,320 Like a lot of times guys will have a thing happen, they have 163 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,480 an upcoming disclosure or they just got rejected and they want 164 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,360 to come in and know how do I deal with this thing, get the 165 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:39,200 the information and then we might not hear from them again. 166 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:43,400 But so far, I mean, it's the first week of the month and we 167 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:46,880 got four men registered for the men's support group. 168 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,600 So I guess because it's getting hot outside, everybody trying to 169 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,520 get back out in the streets. The women's group is very 170 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:55,000 active. I got a lot of registrations for 171 00:09:55,000 --> 00:10:00,000 today as well. So I might I might to be able to 172 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:06,680 present, you know, more of an ongoing supportive space, but 173 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,920 community feels like a more accurate word. 174 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:14,440 So be on the lookout for, you know, us being able to have a 175 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:18,360 community space that isn't Instagram or Facebook or TikTok, 176 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,160 but something that can be a little bit more engaging. 177 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,560 Hopefully I'm going to try it out. 178 00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:29,680 I get like a 14 day pilot thing that will be working out. 179 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:31,520 So we'll see who's really interested. 180 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:36,280 Oh, the support calls. This is the last thing. 181 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:37,880 And then we shipped into the podcast. 182 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:40,640 It was so so thank you for listening the support call 183 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:44,520 boundaries. So please understand, if you do 184 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:47,640 not donate, you will not get a support call. 185 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:52,480 And I'm finding that people won't donate for the support 186 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,480 call for a variety of reasons. They don't think that this is a 187 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:59,640 real organization. They just want to vent and 188 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:01,960 filling out performance enough for them, but they changed their 189 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,760 mind. Regardless of what the reason 190 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,320 is, you will not hear from me unless you donate. 191 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:10,080 That's the boundary. Too many times I've gone against 192 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,720 that, even after establishing it. 193 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:15,520 And people don't miss they they don't make it for the call or 194 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:19,960 they show up late or they get dismissive and blame me for like 195 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:23,080 not having had the cause. So I think that I just 196 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:26,560 categorize in general, people who don't want to donate as 197 00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:29,480 people who ain't serious. So if you ain't serious, I can't 198 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:33,200 work with you. And I had a the experience that 199 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:36,880 motivated this podcast episode. This was a person who donated, 200 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:39,000 but this is also a person who's getting their money back. 201 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,600 So I'm a man of integrity. In the event that this shit 202 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:46,440 ain't useful to you or if you feel invalidated in any way, 203 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,560 shape or form, I'm going to do the right thing and I'm going to 204 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:49,840 get your money back. All right? 205 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:53,400 Now, don't reach out to me. Donate and be like, yeah, 206 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:57,600 Courtney, you know, it's good. And then, I don't know. 207 00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,080 I don't really like this. Can I have my money back? 208 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:02,920 Don't do that shit that we will re establish. 209 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,640 We'll re establish things as necessary. 210 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:10,080 But for this particular situation that I'll speak to 211 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:14,720 like I want to share because I think it's a learning point and 212 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:17,720 it's important for me to be able to say out loud, hey, you know, 213 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:19,720 I can trust myself for the boundaries that I have. 214 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:24,120 And I feel like I need to change things solely based on one 215 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:30,000 person's experience being bad. All right, OK, so yeah, the 216 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,040 donation proves that you are most likely to show up to the 217 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:34,400 call. And since you're doing that, the 218 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:39,200 retention rate of attendance has been significantly greater. 219 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,000 So I'm going to keep that. I'm going to keep that there. 220 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,080 And I want y'all to also understand that. 221 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:47,480 Don't reach out to me to talk about the science and the data 222 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:52,000 and the stats of herpes and the virus and transmission rates. 223 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:55,840 I don't touch that shit. If you want to talk about that, 224 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:58,080 please reach out to your doctor or virologist. 225 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:04,120 I don't even bother with it, OK? My focus is on the stigma. 226 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:07,400 My focus is on how you are navigating the communication 227 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:13,120 components, how you are dealing with stigma in your own lens, 228 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:20,360 how you are. It's OK how you are navigating 229 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:26,840 the stigma, how you're navigating stigma internally, 230 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:32,160 how engaged you are with. And I fucked up my whole train 231 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:33,320 of thought. Good thing I got notes. 232 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:37,520 Yeah, the data and science are already there. 233 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:40,640 It's free. Like I don't talk about that 234 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:44,840 because it's irrelevant to me. It's irrelevant that, you know, 235 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:48,680 they're working on a cure, that a vaccine should be worked on. 236 00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:51,240 Like I deal with what's, you know, in front of me. 237 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,720 And I think that a lot of that really takes us out of the 238 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:56,400 present. It takes us out of the now. 239 00:13:56,400 --> 00:14:01,360 It takes us out of the moment of being able to get a grip on what 240 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:04,920 can be influenced, what can be controlled. 241 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:08,680 And a lot of times, that's really how we experience the 242 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:10,800 world, through the lens of stigma. 243 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:15,480 So if it ain't about the stigma, if it ain't about identity, if 244 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:21,360 it's not about being able to navigate the stigma in a way 245 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:26,480 that is healthy, I'm not going to be helpful to you, right? 246 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,320 And I think that that's what a lot of people, you know, want. 247 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:31,560 They want to know when is there going to be a cure like I have? 248 00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:34,600 When are you going to stop waiting on the cure? 249 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:37,560 Like that's what my responsibility is. 250 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:41,920 And I hope that that doesn't, you know, deter anybody from 251 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:43,280 reaching out about a support call. 252 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:46,120 But often times, like I'll ask people, you know, what do you 253 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:49,120 think you need? And more often than not, I hear 254 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,600 a cure for this. It's like, OK, let's talk about 255 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,320 why you feel like you need a cure for this. 256 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:58,000 And then just the curiosity of that and the exploration of 257 00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,960 that. Sometimes things come up that 258 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:03,920 people didn't know was there. And other times, like what I'm 259 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:06,520 about to talk about here, some people just don't want to hear 260 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:11,080 that shit. It is what it is right now. 261 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:17,880 I think I already talked about this like I'm I'm there's a lot 262 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:22,920 of chaos and friction that comes with running a business, a non 263 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:27,800 profit. I just can't get legit like they 264 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,040 it's been all year I've been trying to do this and I keep 265 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:33,840 getting pushed back or a letter in the mail three months after I 266 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:37,280 send them what they asked for telling me that something else 267 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,040 is different. But then they still want their 268 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:42,120 money by the deadline or else you get interest tax. 269 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:47,040 So that's frustrating. But even with all of that, like 270 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:49,640 I'm at peace. I feel like I'm very locked in 271 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,360 in the fact that I recognize that my purpose in this space is 272 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:56,280 to neutralize herpes stigma. And I just want to remove the 273 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,440 emotional charge that we have about it. 274 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:01,480 Like, if we think we need to be excited and like, Oh my God, 275 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:04,160 yeah, I have herpes. You don't see me living like 276 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:07,280 that. You you might see, you know, 277 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:11,440 some of the women who are online who you know, proud, pridefully 278 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,880 speak about, you know, having herpes and having an active sex 279 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,440 life, which there's nothing wrong with that. 280 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:20,640 But I think that also, when we bring a charge into a space, 281 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,160 whether it be positive or negative, we are going to 282 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:27,000 naturally attract the other. So the idea is to turn that shit 283 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,880 off completely by having a neutralized relationship to 284 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:33,440 herpes stigma so that when we talk about it, we speak about it 285 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:36,880 from a place of just neutrality. It doesn't matter how we feel 286 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:40,680 about it, it just is what it is. Hey, my name is Courtney. 287 00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:43,840 Well, I don't know why I needed to say that, but, you know, 288 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:45,120 let's say you're getting to know somebody. 289 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:48,720 You get to a place of wanting to move forward romantically, and 290 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,120 this is an instance where you would want to initiate that 291 00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:54,480 conversation with somebody. Hey, you know, I'm thinking that 292 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,600 things look like they're going in the direction of becoming 293 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,000 more intimate. And am I picking up on that? 294 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:01,320 Yeah. All right. 295 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:05,280 Well, sexual health is something that's important to me, and it's 296 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:07,920 important to me that I take care of my partners as well as 297 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:10,200 myself. So are you in a place to talk 298 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,720 about our sexual health right now? 299 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:16,839 Oh, you are great. I was last tested Friday, 300 00:17:16,839 --> 00:17:20,240 actually, at this health fair. I was tested for HIV, chlamydia, 301 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:23,760 gonorrhea and syphilis. The HIV test was a rapid. 302 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:26,119 When it came back negative, I'll know the results about the 303 00:17:26,119 --> 00:17:31,880 chlamydia, HIV and or chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, they said 304 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:35,960 within 5 to 10 business days. So I don't have any symptoms or 305 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,000 anything. So I suspect that those are 306 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,880 going to come back negative. But if that changes, like I'll 307 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,600 of course let you know and get treated. 308 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:46,120 But I test positive for herpes. What about you? 309 00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:50,800 That's it. Like, I don't know that I made 310 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:56,160 anybody feel, Oh my God, excited about it or anybody feel, oh, I 311 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:59,640 don't know about that, about it. And sometimes a lot of people 312 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:03,320 don't know how to feel. They, they just don't. 313 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:10,080 I had someone disclosed to me actually over the weekend and 314 00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:12,400 she's like, yeah, so I have HSV too. 315 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,760 I was so proud of her. I was like, damn right. 316 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,320 Like that's how you do that. And then I, I, I was like, 317 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:20,800 doesn't everybody have herpes? That's like, so fun to me 318 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:24,320 because people rarely, you know, tell me they have herpes and 319 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:28,800 don't find some type of support resource, which tells me that 320 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:32,040 this is a person who is in a healthy place with their 321 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:38,560 diagnosis. And yeah, it's nice to not have 322 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:41,800 to like, hold someone's hand through that, right? 323 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:46,040 And it's really just about putting yourself in situations 324 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:51,000 and around people to where you can present yourself to enough 325 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,600 people to maybe get that response. 326 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:57,200 And I share this story personally because that's a 327 00:18:57,200 --> 00:19:02,040 little bit about what is going into, you know, what the story 328 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,560 is with the gentleman who reached out to me. 329 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:11,840 Gentleman is a very kind word, but I, I, we'll leave it at 330 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:13,480 that. All right. 331 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:18,480 So I think that what happens is that if we experience a 332 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,440 rejection from someone that we're interested in, it can be 333 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:25,120 very easy to say it's because of the herpes. 334 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,920 It is not always because of the herpes. 335 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:32,240 That can be an out, that can be a scapegoat, just like for 336 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:34,400 someone who can be like, oh, you know what? 337 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:35,960 Because you don't, because you have herpes. 338 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,280 I don't know if I want to, you know, expose myself to that. 339 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:45,200 That person might be actually being a lot kinder about the 340 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:50,480 fact that maybe you're an asshole, maybe you're not 341 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:54,880 compatible. Maybe the fact that, you know, 342 00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:59,320 herpes is in fact like more of a superficial thing because of the 343 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:02,600 discomfort of having to have a deep conversation if I don't 344 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:05,120 want to have a deep conversation if I'm just trying to hook up 345 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:08,160 with somebody. And I want to have to, I want to 346 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:12,240 put myself in a position where I know I can avoid having to have 347 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,520 a deep conversation and keep things superficial. 348 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:19,480 So if I happen to move forward with someone who has herpes and 349 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:22,480 I'm someone who gets it, you know, let's say I don't have it 350 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,960 and then I get it. Now I have to have the same 351 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,360 conversation that they had with me. 352 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,200 And the way that that conversation was having me is 353 00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:33,120 going to be a reflection of how what I expect for it to be like. 354 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:42,040 So it's not fair to assume that just because you told someone 355 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:46,160 that they have herpes, that you have herpes, that the perception 356 00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:50,040 of you has changed entirely. Especially if you've gone on a 357 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,680 few dates, if you spent time together, if you could laugh 358 00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:56,840 together and you've had meals and you've gotten a little bit 359 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:59,520 personal and you getting to know somebody. 360 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,640 If you're getting to know someone, you tell them you have 361 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:07,720 herpes and then they start to get weird or they decide that 362 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:10,120 they don't want to be with or sleep with you, right? 363 00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:14,240 That very well could be the case that it's because of the herpes. 364 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:17,960 But also like what? Where else are you aligning with 365 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:21,080 one another? Is that all there is? 366 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:24,880 Because no, herpes is not worth it for just a hookup unless 367 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:27,880 somebody finds you that fucking attractive or if they're going 368 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:31,000 to get that much from you. And that's where their values 369 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,280 are. If where their values align is 370 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:36,760 where your resources extend to them. 371 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:39,400 Is that a relationship that you want to be in? 372 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,840 Is that somebody that you want to move forward with? 373 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:44,360 Is that somebody you want to have sex with? 374 00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:47,800 Sex can be a very vulnerable thing. 375 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:51,040 It's as close as we can be together physically, like our 376 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,120 physical bodies are touching each other. 377 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:55,880 And depending on what kind of sex you're having inside one 378 00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:59,880 another, sex can also be a very vulnerable thing emotionally 379 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:03,280 because sometimes certain movements, you hit that spot, 380 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,360 you experience a certain emotion. 381 00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:09,760 The fucking floodgates can open. Somebody could cry. 382 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:13,240 Somebody could, you know, just have a reaction in their body 383 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:15,400 and have no idea what it's coming from. 384 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:25,440 And to think that there are people out here who day very 385 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:30,520 superficially and have no fucking idea what it is that 386 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:33,280 they want Tell someone that they have herpes and then they think 387 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:37,880 that, you know, that the person just doesn't like them because 388 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:41,320 they have herpes. That stalks me. 389 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:44,680 And it also makes me deeply sad to think that there are people 390 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:49,680 who exist who believe that people, women only want them for 391 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:51,720 what it is that they have to offer them. 392 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:55,360 And, you know, I think that the title of this might be something 393 00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:58,040 along the lines of presence over performance. 394 00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:01,240 Because I think that a lot of what men are being told, 395 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,280 especially in the dating world, is that it's about what you got 396 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:07,640 to offer to a woman in terms of resources that makes you 397 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,320 valuable, that makes you likable, that makes you 398 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:12,160 attractive. It ain't got shit to do with 399 00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:15,600 what you got. If someone can cling to that, 400 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,600 somebody can. I, I remember Carl. 401 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:22,320 What did Carl say to me? Carl said to me, if you I, I got 402 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:24,760 to word this in a more mature way, but it's something that 403 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:26,640 always stuck with me from when I was little. 404 00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:31,280 He was like, if you a whack ass dude and you get some money, you 405 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:33,520 still a whack ass dude. You just got money now. 406 00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:40,240 And with or without money, who you are is your identity, which 407 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:45,400 is a direct reflection of an expression of your beliefs 408 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:48,960 aligned with your behaviors. And so if your beliefs and 409 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:51,760 behaviors don't align, then that's what your identity is. 410 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:54,560 It's inconsistency. And I think that what people can 411 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:57,160 trust and lean on is consistency. 412 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:01,200 So if your beliefs and your behaviors are not in alignment, 413 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:09,720 you're an inconsistent person. So using the example of, because 414 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:12,760 I ask everybody this who you know, struggles with dating, 415 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:17,280 what do you want? And a lot of times people say, I 416 00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:19,240 don't know. So then I have to ask, OK, do 417 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:23,560 you want to date casually or do you want to date seriously? 418 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,360 Are you looking for a long term monogamous relationship or not? 419 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:31,760 Most people would say one of the two, right? 420 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:37,440 But there are also times where someone might say both or 421 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:40,840 they'll give me this long winded answer and I'm hearing two 422 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,800 things. And these are two very different 423 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:47,640 things that are inconsistent. And so if you're approaching 424 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:51,200 dating and relationships and going on dates and you're saying 425 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:54,840 I want a long term monogamous relationship and then you're 426 00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:59,320 saying or communicating that I want to casually date and just 427 00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:03,600 have sex with you and not a long term monogamous relationship. 428 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,440 The other person's hearing both of those things. 429 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,160 You can't trust that I can't trust you. 430 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:14,440 So when you tell me I have herpes, all I have to match that 431 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:17,160 up against is your consistency and inconsistencies. 432 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:21,280 So I'm inherently thinking to myself, oh, this person is 433 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:23,120 inconsistent. They don't know what they want. 434 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:25,920 It's not worth it when you weigh it out. 435 00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:29,720 I'm not going to get herpes from someone I don't know or put 436 00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:32,560 myself at risk for getting herpes from someone I don't 437 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:35,960 know, especially if this person doesn't know themselves. 438 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:39,440 So if I don't know you, I can't trust you. 439 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,920 And if you can't trust you, how can I trust you? 440 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,320 And now you're telling me that you have this thing that you 441 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:48,960 expect me to be OK with that could have a long term impact on 442 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:54,520 me physically and definitely emotionally or mentally. 443 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:02,000 Now, if you're the kind of person whose alignment or whose 444 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:05,320 behaviors and beliefs do align, you know when you're getting to 445 00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:08,640 that point, if you and the other person want the same things, all 446 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:13,040 right, you know, I'm right. Now I'm on my fuck boy shit and 447 00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:15,160 I'm really just trying to get you home and get you naked. 448 00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:17,760 Shout out to Mr. Lucario. I took that that line from him. 449 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:24,360 And the other person is like, oh, OK, all right, I know what 450 00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:25,920 this is. I can trust that. 451 00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:30,000 So when a trusting person who just wants to have a casual 452 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:33,480 sexual relationship or just wants to have a hookup says I 453 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:37,320 have herpes, the other person has that to measure up against. 454 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:38,960 It's oh, OK, we're aligned on this. 455 00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:41,600 He knows what he wants. I can trust that I can trust 456 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:42,800 him. He's consistent. 457 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:48,400 Let's move forward is more likely to be a thing than Nah. 458 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:54,720 I'm not OK with that. If you are someone who is saying 459 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:57,200 that you do want a long term, monogamous, committed 460 00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:01,680 relationship and you're communicating that consistently, 461 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,320 that's what's on your dating profile. 462 00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:06,960 You're on the apps that are generally geared towards that. 463 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:12,440 You meet up, the conversation's good. 464 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:14,920 You're talking about where you align. 465 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:19,080 You're speaking about, you know, long term goals, You're talking 466 00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:22,840 about what matters to you now, and you're seeing where things 467 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:28,520 are aligning and your actions being taken to get you to and on 468 00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:31,320 the trajectory of what it is that you want long term. 469 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,600 And you're able to see, oh, OK, boom, we got connection here. 470 00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:36,480 We got chemistry, we've got compatibility. 471 00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:39,200 All right, I'm going to take my time and get to know this 472 00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:41,040 person. Or you can still look up with 473 00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:44,880 the person, but you recognize that you can trust what that 474 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:47,360 person's saying because they know what they want. 475 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:50,280 They know what they want from you. 476 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:52,600 You know what you want from them. 477 00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:56,760 So now when you go into the conversation about, you know, 478 00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:58,960 hey, you know, sexual health is important to me. 479 00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:03,520 I test negative for HIV, syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea. 480 00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:05,880 I tested positive for herpes. What about you? 481 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:09,920 Now this person is able to have that conversation from a place 482 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:15,560 of damn, there's confidence from this person that I'm compatible 483 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:19,680 with and have chemistry with. Is herpes worth that or the 484 00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:21,960 possibility of getting herpes worth that? 485 00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:27,760 Maybe, Or it'll be. Let me find out. 486 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:29,640 Let me get to know you a little bit more. 487 00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:31,960 Let me see. Let me see if the the 488 00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:37,480 possibility of ending my search, at least for the time being, for 489 00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:43,040 someone who's compatible and wants the same things as me. 490 00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:50,040 Let me see if that's worth it. Let me see if you know this is 491 00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:51,440 somebody that I want to get to know. 492 00:28:53,680 --> 00:28:57,960 And regardless of past experiences that we had, like I, 493 00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:07,040 I tell people the ego is a monster, First off, but the ego, 494 00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:09,320 there's no place for it in the present moment. 495 00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:11,160 It has no power in the present moment. 496 00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:14,880 The ego is always trying to get you to look at how things used 497 00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:17,560 to be and how things are supposed to be. 498 00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:22,600 Those are two places that do not exist in the right now, and the 499 00:29:22,640 --> 00:29:25,640 ego's goal is to constantly pull you into that. 500 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:32,160 When you make the decision to ground, when you make the 501 00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:35,760 decision to be present, when you make the decision to, you know 502 00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:38,040 what? Everything that I do right now 503 00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:44,360 is with the intention of achieving A chosen outcome. 504 00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:48,000 So my output is going to be geared towards generating that 505 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:52,160 outcome. And thoughts tend to become 506 00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:55,320 reality. The energy that goes into a 507 00:29:55,320 --> 00:29:58,480 thought in repetition becomes a value. 508 00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:03,440 The values expressed continuously become beliefs. 509 00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:07,720 The beliefs begin to express in the form of behaviors. 510 00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:11,200 I've been, I've been hosting this podcast for nine years. 511 00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:13,440 You know how hard it is for me to stop doing this shit. 512 00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,120 I thought I was going to stop doing this podcast many times, 513 00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:26,560 but it's become such a an identity expression for me and 514 00:30:26,560 --> 00:30:29,920 solidified itself from just damn. 515 00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:32,320 You know, I'm, I'm curious about people's experiences with 516 00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:35,320 herpes. Why is it so negative? 517 00:30:35,320 --> 00:30:37,360 I want to make something positive for these positive 518 00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:39,240 people. Look where we are. 519 00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:45,520 And nine years later, it's so firmly an extension of my 520 00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:49,120 identity, I can't get rid of this shit. 521 00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:53,680 And it's gotten to a place now where, you know, even 522 00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:59,000 financially, like I don't worry about being able to pay for the 523 00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:04,000 fucking $400.00 hosting per year, I think for the website. 524 00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:08,080 And then the additional stuff like whatever, 1100, twelve, 525 00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:10,880 $100 a year, I don't have to worry about that anymore. 526 00:31:11,360 --> 00:31:13,760 It takes care of itself as long as I take care of it. 527 00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:17,840 Like I'm tending to my garden with presents. 528 00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:25,240 I am consistent in this. I choose to, excuse me, allow 529 00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:28,920 for my beliefs and my behaviors to align as a form of expression 530 00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:31,040 here. And how we do one thing tends to 531 00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:34,720 be how we do all things. So if someone tells me I want a 532 00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:37,480 serious relationship and I want to hook up and just be able to 533 00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:40,160 have sex, I want a monogamous relationship and I want to just 534 00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:43,600 get laid, I have to ask you more questions. 535 00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:44,760 Yeah. OK. 536 00:31:44,760 --> 00:31:47,080 Well, if you had to pick one, what would it be? 537 00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:49,360 OK, now are you doing the things? 538 00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:52,760 Are you on the dating apps for that? 539 00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:57,280 Because if you're telling me you want a long term monogamous 540 00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:02,680 relationship and you're on Tinder, Tender is not 541 00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:09,200 historically known for that. It's historically known for 542 00:32:09,200 --> 00:32:11,480 hookups and that's the environment of it. 543 00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:14,440 That's the branding of it. Regardless, some people may find 544 00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:16,400 loving long term connections on there. 545 00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:18,400 I'm not, you know, saying it can't happen. 546 00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:22,320 But if you're saying you want one thing, why go the area of 547 00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:24,400 most resistance in order to get that thing? 548 00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:28,360 Or why invest energy and split it into two conflicting things? 549 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:32,080 A lot of times we have these conflicting beliefs and values 550 00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:35,280 that our behaviors become conflicting and inconsistent. 551 00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:38,600 And if that's what's happening, then what we're communicating 552 00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:41,320 that we might not even know we're communicating is more 553 00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:47,120 incongruencies, more inconsistencies, and people 554 00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:50,880 can't commit to that. Ain't nobody going to be willing 555 00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:56,960 to commit to the possibility of getting a lifelong viral 556 00:32:56,960 --> 00:33:03,000 infection from you, from me, if they can't trust who you are. 557 00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:07,440 They can't trust who you are if you don't know who you are. 558 00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:11,960 And one of the fastest way to know who you are is to know what 559 00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:19,440 you want and to communicate that you know, do that even if you 560 00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:21,360 don't know. Knowing that you don't know what 561 00:33:21,360 --> 00:33:26,760 you want is so much better than lying and saying I want this, I 562 00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:30,040 want this. I know that what I want is 563 00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:34,000 fucking ridiculous. And so when the conversation 564 00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:36,920 comes up, I have to have more of a conversation about it. 565 00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:41,320 It's not as simple as I want monogamy, I want non monogamy, I 566 00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:44,160 want a family, right? Like that should sound good, but 567 00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:48,080 it's vague. And that vagueness has gotten me 568 00:33:48,080 --> 00:33:51,440 in trouble because I do what I think I'm supposed to do and not 569 00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:54,240 what I know I'm supposed to do or what's true for me. 570 00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:57,720 And what's true for me is a we got to talk about this because I 571 00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:01,880 didn't know what your definition is of this thing because here's 572 00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:04,320 mine. And I like simplicity. 573 00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:08,040 I simplify shit as best I can. So I talk a lot. 574 00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:12,639 And in talking a lot, that is an extension of me being curious so 575 00:34:12,639 --> 00:34:16,840 that I can get to the real root of the language that you 576 00:34:16,840 --> 00:34:20,639 understand, the word choice, the how your breathing changes when 577 00:34:20,639 --> 00:34:23,120 you hear certain information, when you communicate certain 578 00:34:23,120 --> 00:34:25,360 information. I look at all that shit and I 579 00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:26,760 might not even see it with my eyes. 580 00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:29,560 I mean, just feel it in my body with how it's being said, how 581 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:32,440 I'm receiving it. And then I inquire from that. 582 00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:35,679 And that's what I do on these support calls with people. 583 00:34:35,920 --> 00:34:40,440 And if a person is not ready for that first thing I ask, if there 584 00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:42,239 was one thing you want to make sure we get out of our time 585 00:34:42,239 --> 00:34:44,280 together, what would it be if you come and you tell me you 586 00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:46,400 don't know? First off, that means you didn't 587 00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:49,760 read all of the description. So now we got to waste some of 588 00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:53,440 our 30 minutes with me giving you questions and information 589 00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:55,199 that you you should already done thought about. 590 00:34:56,760 --> 00:35:00,120 So if you don't know, now I have to ask questions I need to know. 591 00:35:00,120 --> 00:35:01,640 OK, what? What made you reach out? 592 00:35:03,240 --> 00:35:07,280 So, OK, then when you reached out because, all right, like you 593 00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:09,240 were scared of dating in the future. 594 00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:12,360 OK, All right. Well, now let me give you some 595 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:16,080 real experiences that can challenge what you believe to be 596 00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:19,080 true about your future now as a person living with herpes. 597 00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:23,560 And then you tell me that that's not true, that's not reality 598 00:35:23,560 --> 00:35:26,000 because that's been not your experience. 599 00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:29,480 And then you tell me you've been rejected several times. 600 00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:31,640 You didn't give me that information. 601 00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:37,760 Now, it sounds like the purpose of the call is you're struggling 602 00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:40,360 with rejection. You've been rejected in the past 603 00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:44,160 and you would like to know how to move forward through that. 604 00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:49,160 Don't make me guess. Because if I get it wrong and 605 00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:53,560 you're not in a good place to be interrogated in the sense 606 00:35:53,560 --> 00:35:54,960 because that's what I have to do. 607 00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:58,440 I have to ask questions. And then when you give me some 608 00:35:58,440 --> 00:35:59,960 bullshit, I got to challenge that. 609 00:35:59,960 --> 00:36:02,960 That's what I do. That's what makes this space 610 00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:07,240 different than Reddit or a positive singles Facebook group 611 00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:12,520 or a dating app is that you're going to be met with a real 612 00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:14,320 fucking person. And also I'm a real fucking 613 00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:17,640 person. So like, please don't not show 614 00:36:17,640 --> 00:36:22,360 up for the calls. And like the way that I am on a 615 00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:25,640 podcast, the way that I am on the support calls, the way that 616 00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:29,040 I'm on the support groups, the way that I am shit on social 617 00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:31,480 media in real life. I believe this is the same 618 00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:35,560 person, you know, when I'm standing in front of a group of 619 00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:38,200 medical professionals, I have to carry myself a little bit more 620 00:36:38,200 --> 00:36:41,200 professionally. But overall, it's how I talk. 621 00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:44,320 This is how I would ideally dress. 622 00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:48,080 I just got back from the gym and I'm working and I'm I'm doing 623 00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:49,640 what I'm supposed to be fucking doing. 624 00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:52,440 That's more important to me than anything else. 625 00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:57,920 So when people tell me, when a person in nine years has told me 626 00:36:58,160 --> 00:37:02,400 that this wasn't helpful, this wasn't useful, and it feels like 627 00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:05,760 I date an entirely different species when I speak about the 628 00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:10,840 experience of just meeting women as fucking humans with values, 629 00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:15,920 Excuse me, fans, just cut on. I guess it's the AC or 630 00:37:15,920 --> 00:37:19,560 dehumidifier. But yeah, dude told me that. 631 00:37:19,560 --> 00:37:23,200 I guess that's probably the most, you know, specific I'll 632 00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:25,480 get. But yeah, dude told me that 633 00:37:25,480 --> 00:37:26,760 because I was like, hey, where are you? 634 00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:30,000 Are you meeting these people? How are you assessing if y'all 635 00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:33,600 even have the same goals or y'all share the same values or 636 00:37:33,600 --> 00:37:35,720 if you're aligned? He said to me, you're talking 637 00:37:35,720 --> 00:37:39,200 all this about alignment and values like you. 638 00:37:39,440 --> 00:37:41,680 It sounds like you did a completely different creature. 639 00:37:42,240 --> 00:37:45,680 So it's like, damn, dude, you only, like you objectify women 640 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:49,120 to this extent that you can't even see them as human beings 641 00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:53,160 like you just looking at their bodies. 642 00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:57,880 Like, no wonder you're concerned about them using you or taking 643 00:37:57,880 --> 00:38:01,360 from you or wasting your time. And you have this sense of 644 00:38:01,360 --> 00:38:06,760 entitlement to their bodies. And that shit made me sad. 645 00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:12,240 And I think that what hurt me the most, not from an ego 646 00:38:12,240 --> 00:38:16,400 perspective, but from an empathy perspective, is that to have 647 00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:20,040 experienced as much rejection as he said he has after, you know, 648 00:38:20,720 --> 00:38:23,800 not telling me that and me having to be wrong in the 649 00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:28,200 direction that I go into with my questioning and offering what I 650 00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:34,720 think is being asked of me. It just sounds like this 651 00:38:34,720 --> 00:38:40,120 person's dating people for what they have, what they look like. 652 00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:43,000 And I mean, yeah, ain't nothing wrong with that. 653 00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:45,840 Like, do it. But understand that that's the 654 00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:48,280 level of dating that you're doing. 655 00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:55,200 And to that extent, your reciprocity, like what your give 656 00:38:55,200 --> 00:39:00,400 and take are, are measured on a scale of what's most important 657 00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:02,680 to that person. If what's most important to that 658 00:39:02,680 --> 00:39:05,960 person is to be able to continue to date superficially and you 659 00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:09,880 give them something that offers a little bit more seriousness 660 00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:13,880 than what they're willing to. Yeah, it's a no brainer. 661 00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:16,240 Like I'm not putting any value into this. 662 00:39:16,240 --> 00:39:18,840 Like I don't fucking know you. I don't owe you anything. 663 00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:23,280 No, I don't want herpes. But when you challenge someone 664 00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:27,200 and you go, OK, well, what are your values? 665 00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:29,240 How are you asking these people about them? 666 00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:32,480 Like I don't know enough to be able to offer any kind of 667 00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:35,320 support. So to tell me that a support 668 00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:39,640 call is unsupportive when I have to guess, I have to ask more 669 00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:44,040 questions than probably that we have time for. 670 00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:46,920 No, it's not going to be helpful. 671 00:39:47,240 --> 00:39:51,280 So now I've also wasted my time, but by the end of that call and 672 00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:54,600 getting hung up on for the first time in nine years, hearing this 673 00:39:54,600 --> 00:40:00,320 is not useful. It's invalidating to me that you 674 00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:04,640 said that you've had one rejection in the entire time, 675 00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:07,360 which which tells me he wasn't even listening to me because I 676 00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:10,200 didn't say that. Said I can probably count on one 677 00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:13,240 hand the number of times that I've experienced rejection and 678 00:40:13,240 --> 00:40:16,440 there are some people out there who they go on and the next 679 00:40:16,440 --> 00:40:19,320 person that they share their status with is who they end up 680 00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:24,360 in a relationship with. So I had to consult with my 681 00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:28,480 people around me and get talked down because I was ready to like 682 00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:30,280 change shit. I was like, what the fuck am I 683 00:40:30,280 --> 00:40:33,000 doing wrong man? Like for a person to come and 684 00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:37,320 say like this wasn't helpful. And you know what was validating 685 00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:39,280 to me? The very next call that I had 686 00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:43,040 with a man who came in and he was like, you know what, I don't 687 00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:44,680 know what I need. I think maybe I just need to 688 00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:47,720 talk to somebody. And we talked and I was like, 689 00:40:47,720 --> 00:40:50,200 Hey, I don't feel like this was helpful to you at all. 690 00:40:50,520 --> 00:40:53,440 And he was like, no, it was actually very helpful. 691 00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:55,360 I think that that was really all I needed. 692 00:40:55,800 --> 00:40:58,640 We got off the phone, you know, and he he, he emailed me. 693 00:40:58,640 --> 00:41:00,240 He emailed me later. He was like, Hey, you know what, 694 00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:01,920 That was more helpful than I thought it was. 695 00:41:02,000 --> 00:41:04,000 I appreciate what you doing. Keep it up. 696 00:41:04,520 --> 00:41:07,720 And then for that to have come that same day after having this 697 00:41:07,720 --> 00:41:13,280 shitty call that fucked up my entire afternoon, that felt 698 00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:16,800 validated, that felt like, OK, I don't need to go onto the 699 00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:20,240 website and change things and set these expectations. 700 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:22,840 But I, I feel like there was a message in there. 701 00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:26,920 And the message in there is of course, like the presence over 702 00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:31,280 performance, like you shouldn't be dating people off of the 703 00:41:32,000 --> 00:41:34,760 superficial components of look what I can do for you. 704 00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:36,560 I can make you laugh. I can make you. 705 00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:38,920 I can take you to these expensive places. 706 00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:42,240 I can take you to get good food. Because eventually that shit has 707 00:41:42,240 --> 00:41:44,520 to stop. And eventually all that's left 708 00:41:44,520 --> 00:41:51,120 is when the superficiality is melting away just over the 709 00:41:51,120 --> 00:41:54,880 course of time, through aging, through changes in life 710 00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:58,720 circumstances, through resources going away, all that's going to 711 00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:02,320 be left is who you are and of who you are as an inconsistent 712 00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:06,840 mother fucker. Can't no money fix that. 713 00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:12,000 Can't no sex fix that. Ain't no piece of ass going to 714 00:42:12,000 --> 00:42:16,600 fix that, bro. And that's what hurt me. 715 00:42:19,560 --> 00:42:22,120 Like I think that he what he wanted from me was like, what do 716 00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:25,320 I say to get laid? And I don't do that. 717 00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:30,080 I've never done that. If you come here, you're going 718 00:42:30,080 --> 00:42:33,120 to do some work. I mean, I can listen to you. 719 00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:34,800 I can point you in the right direction. 720 00:42:36,600 --> 00:42:39,680 But if you reach out to me and we're on the other side of these 721 00:42:39,680 --> 00:42:43,080 video calls, I'll meet you with curiosity, I'll meet you with 722 00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:45,160 presence. I'm going to challenge you. 723 00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:56,800 So with all that being said, let me see, what do we put here? 724 00:42:57,440 --> 00:42:59,440 Yeah, we we ain't doing the tips and tricks. 725 00:42:59,440 --> 00:43:00,800 How? Here's how to get laid. 726 00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:03,280 If you have Irvings, right? Say these things and she'll be 727 00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:05,680 instantly attracted to you. Ain't none of that shit 728 00:43:05,680 --> 00:43:10,000 happening over here. All right, I will support you 729 00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:12,560 in, you know, your output over outcome. 730 00:43:14,120 --> 00:43:17,160 But yeah, this shit don't guarantee that somebody's going 731 00:43:17,160 --> 00:43:19,200 to like you. You may just be an unlikable 732 00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:23,040 person and people will have sex with unlikable people. 733 00:43:25,080 --> 00:43:30,040 But if you're unlikable and you're not certain about what 734 00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:34,320 you want, like the most unlikable person can be somebody 735 00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:36,720 who knows what the fuck they want and that's trustworthy. 736 00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:41,600 You can trust that. But if you're untrustworthy and 737 00:43:41,600 --> 00:43:44,800 you tell me you have herpes, like I cannot trust that you're 738 00:43:44,800 --> 00:43:48,160 going, that you're doing what it is, that you need to be doing it 739 00:43:48,160 --> 00:43:50,440 to keep me from possibly getting it. 740 00:43:50,440 --> 00:43:53,360 How do I know that you're not trying to, You're going to try 741 00:43:53,360 --> 00:43:56,600 and trap me into getting herpes too, so that we can be together 742 00:43:56,600 --> 00:43:58,160 forever? We don't know this. 743 00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:06,080 People don't know that. So I mentioned stigma as an 744 00:44:06,080 --> 00:44:10,600 expression of ego because what does it do? 745 00:44:10,600 --> 00:44:13,720 It makes us think about how things were, how things should 746 00:44:13,720 --> 00:44:16,920 be. Everything but now, everything 747 00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:20,440 but this moment. And that's not where we live 748 00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:22,600 life. We don't live life in the past 749 00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:24,800 and the future. That's what got us here. 750 00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:28,960 You know, energy cannot be created nor destroyed. 751 00:44:28,960 --> 00:44:32,000 This is what the first law of thermodynamics. 752 00:44:33,560 --> 00:44:38,400 It can be stored, it can be there can be energetic input, 753 00:44:38,400 --> 00:44:41,800 but we're like store houses of mass that contain energy. 754 00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:45,200 We're containers for it. So we're constantly taking 755 00:44:45,200 --> 00:44:47,840 things in, we're constantly letting things out. 756 00:44:48,160 --> 00:44:52,880 But to consciously store and release said energy in the 757 00:44:52,880 --> 00:44:58,240 moment when we can be present, that's authenticity. 758 00:44:59,040 --> 00:45:02,360 When our beliefs and behaviors align, the energy that we store 759 00:45:02,360 --> 00:45:06,960 and release pushes out a frequency, whether conscious or 760 00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:14,520 unconscious, and our words begin to produce outcomes, the output 761 00:45:14,520 --> 00:45:17,520 of our language, output of what we say. 762 00:45:17,520 --> 00:45:20,600 Think about how I say, yeah, I have herpes and I run this 763 00:45:20,600 --> 00:45:27,480 nonprofit supporting people with it, Versus yeah, I have herpes 764 00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:30,280 and I support. I run this nonprofit supporting 765 00:45:30,280 --> 00:45:33,920 people with it. Yeah, I got herpes and I run 766 00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:35,560 this nonprofit supporting people with it. 767 00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:38,880 What's up? I said that shit in three ways, 768 00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:43,520 a neutral way, a negative way, and a positive way. 769 00:45:44,480 --> 00:45:47,440 And I'm going to go, you know, I'm going to vote for you and 770 00:45:47,440 --> 00:45:52,480 say that the best one was the neutral one where I just stayed 771 00:45:52,480 --> 00:45:54,000 in it. I have herpes. 772 00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:56,120 I'm running this nonprofit supporting people who are living 773 00:45:56,120 --> 00:45:58,600 with it. That's it. 774 00:46:00,280 --> 00:46:05,800 And that's authentic to me because I know that my mission 775 00:46:05,800 --> 00:46:08,880 is to neutralize herpes. So if I can speak about it in a 776 00:46:08,880 --> 00:46:11,600 neutral way, I'm doing it. I'm doing it in how I live. 777 00:46:11,600 --> 00:46:12,960 I'm doing it in how I present this. 778 00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:16,120 You'll see on the podcast cover art that language has changed. 779 00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:21,040 Neutralizing herpes state. Our words contain a gravity just 780 00:46:21,040 --> 00:46:24,600 like our being does, right? I walk into a room, people look 781 00:46:24,600 --> 00:46:28,200 at me a certain way. I speak. 782 00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:32,040 People look at me a certain way. Like I, oh, I hate this one, but 783 00:46:32,040 --> 00:46:34,080 I hear it. I've heard it often throughout 784 00:46:34,080 --> 00:46:36,200 my life. Oh, you're so well spoken. 785 00:46:36,400 --> 00:46:39,680 You wouldn't say that shit if my skin was not black. 786 00:46:40,280 --> 00:46:41,880 You wouldn't say it if my hair looked different. 787 00:46:41,880 --> 00:46:44,680 You wouldn't say it if I was probably not muscular. 788 00:46:45,240 --> 00:46:50,000 Right? But that's the weight of and an 789 00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:53,880 expression of an example of the gravity of our word choice. 790 00:46:54,160 --> 00:46:57,160 Because if it's coming from a place of I know who I am, my 791 00:46:57,160 --> 00:47:00,120 identity is in alignment of my beliefs and my behaviors, 792 00:47:00,120 --> 00:47:03,160 Everything that I speak from that place is authentic. 793 00:47:03,440 --> 00:47:05,640 People gravitate towards authenticity. 794 00:47:06,720 --> 00:47:15,200 People are attracted to polarity just naturally, but it's the 795 00:47:15,200 --> 00:47:19,120 gravity of neutrality. Oh shit, that might be the, that 796 00:47:19,160 --> 00:47:23,440 might be the podcast episode. The gravity of neutrality that 797 00:47:23,440 --> 00:47:30,440 shapes your reality and can increase your salary and 798 00:47:30,440 --> 00:47:33,280 energetic capacity. Now I'm just saying shit, all 799 00:47:33,280 --> 00:47:35,880 right? But yeah, you want to align your 800 00:47:35,880 --> 00:47:38,560 internal beliefs and your external behaviors, right? 801 00:47:39,400 --> 00:47:43,840 So the, the, the whole thing with this manipulation and 802 00:47:45,080 --> 00:47:49,800 entitlement that I felt came from this particular individual. 803 00:47:50,440 --> 00:47:54,720 First off, we can't create a magic formula and say the thing 804 00:47:54,720 --> 00:47:56,000 that's just going to get us laid. 805 00:47:56,480 --> 00:47:58,640 That shit don't work. It's not real. 806 00:47:58,960 --> 00:48:01,440 It's not what I do and it's not what I support. 807 00:48:01,440 --> 00:48:04,840 I don't promote that shit. I support being who you are. 808 00:48:05,240 --> 00:48:07,560 I tell people all the time I ain't got no game. 809 00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:11,080 And multiple times I've heard Courtney, that is your game. 810 00:48:11,080 --> 00:48:13,800 No game is your game. And I to this day have no 811 00:48:13,800 --> 00:48:17,320 fucking idea what that means. But the closest thing I got to 812 00:48:17,320 --> 00:48:19,720 it is authenticity. If I'm willing to tell you, hey, 813 00:48:19,720 --> 00:48:21,880 I ain't got no game. But I remember also, like the 814 00:48:21,880 --> 00:48:25,400 first time I was like real with somebody, it was this was a 815 00:48:25,400 --> 00:48:27,000 model Y'all. She was looking at me, she was 816 00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:29,760 flirting with me, was outside. She like grabbed on to me and 817 00:48:30,280 --> 00:48:32,840 like, oh, let's go. Like I, I was chosen. 818 00:48:33,280 --> 00:48:36,600 I don't know what I did. I have no idea, but she was on 819 00:48:36,600 --> 00:48:38,640 me and I remember we went out that night. 820 00:48:38,640 --> 00:48:42,400 It was a group of us and I was just in my head. 821 00:48:42,400 --> 00:48:44,280 I was thinking about it and I was like, Nah, I need to get 822 00:48:44,280 --> 00:48:47,680 this girl Bumble. I said, hey, she's like, yes, 823 00:48:47,680 --> 00:48:49,320 sweetie, put her hands on me and everything. 824 00:48:49,320 --> 00:48:51,360 I remember her name. I can say it now, Mackenzie. 825 00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:53,960 Mackenzie was her name. I was like, hey, I don't know 826 00:48:53,960 --> 00:48:56,240 what to say, but can I get your number? 827 00:48:57,160 --> 00:49:00,000 She was like, she laughed. She put her number in my phone. 828 00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:03,160 It was the right one too. And she said call me when you 829 00:49:03,160 --> 00:49:04,400 think of something better to say. 830 00:49:04,520 --> 00:49:07,840 I said, oh, at least I got it. Yeah. 831 00:49:07,840 --> 00:49:09,840 She never answered the phone, though, but I know it was the 832 00:49:09,840 --> 00:49:11,240 right number because I got a voicemail. 833 00:49:11,600 --> 00:49:15,600 But this is before. This is before free texting, I 834 00:49:15,600 --> 00:49:20,520 think. Oh, but I say that to say like 835 00:49:21,040 --> 00:49:24,160 that's the thing that I had to let go of and dismantle because 836 00:49:24,240 --> 00:49:27,480 I would have gone on through my entire adulthood thinking that I 837 00:49:27,480 --> 00:49:31,720 needed scripts, that I needed to say the right thing and not 838 00:49:31,720 --> 00:49:35,160 knowing the right thing to say or not having game, not having 839 00:49:35,160 --> 00:49:38,760 like a smooth ass pick up line has gotten me more genuine 840 00:49:38,760 --> 00:49:42,720 connection than any other thing I would have said. 841 00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:46,480 I told, I remember in college, I might have told this story I 842 00:49:46,480 --> 00:49:48,040 said to somebody as I was leaving the place. 843 00:49:48,040 --> 00:49:50,200 I was like, damn girl, you think it's a Harry Potter book? 844 00:49:51,640 --> 00:49:56,280 And I walked off, just left. I don't know how much further 845 00:49:56,280 --> 00:49:58,520 later that she was like, hey, hey, I remember you. 846 00:49:58,520 --> 00:49:59,680 I was out. I was like, fucking tell them 847 00:49:59,720 --> 00:50:02,000 all. She was like, you told me I was 848 00:50:02,000 --> 00:50:04,040 thick as a Harry Potter book. I said I did. 849 00:50:04,120 --> 00:50:08,080 And then I remembered I was like, oh, I was drinking that 850 00:50:08,080 --> 00:50:12,160 night. But like, that's, that's who I 851 00:50:12,160 --> 00:50:14,040 am. I say like weird shit. 852 00:50:14,040 --> 00:50:16,560 I'm a weird person. I I've accepted that. 853 00:50:16,560 --> 00:50:21,960 I've embraced that more so recently over the past couple of 854 00:50:21,960 --> 00:50:25,120 months than anything else. I'm a walking contradiction, 855 00:50:25,720 --> 00:50:28,520 right? I'm a well spoken black dude. 856 00:50:28,680 --> 00:50:30,640 I had a black woman tell me the other day she was like, oh, 857 00:50:30,640 --> 00:50:32,400 you're black. I was like, the fuck that's 858 00:50:32,400 --> 00:50:35,400 supposed to be because we we're we're in an atmosphere. 859 00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:38,440 I ain't gonna, like give too much away about it, but we were 860 00:50:38,440 --> 00:50:43,120 in a shared atmosphere where we were two of the few were darker 861 00:50:43,120 --> 00:50:48,160 skinned people and there was music playing and, you know, my 862 00:50:48,160 --> 00:50:51,680 taste in music. I got a diverse palette of song 863 00:50:51,680 --> 00:50:52,920 selection. But she was like, you know who 864 00:50:52,920 --> 00:50:54,080 this is? I was like, Nope. 865 00:50:54,480 --> 00:50:55,720 She's like, oh, yeah, you black, black. 866 00:50:55,720 --> 00:50:57,760 I was like, damn. But that's kind of a compliment, 867 00:50:57,760 --> 00:51:00,320 I guess because, you know, from a lot of time I was told I 868 00:51:00,320 --> 00:51:07,600 wasn't black enough, right? So that authenticity and that 869 00:51:07,600 --> 00:51:11,480 weirdness that I've adopted over the years, that's become what my 870 00:51:11,480 --> 00:51:14,000 truth is, that's become attractive. 871 00:51:14,360 --> 00:51:17,440 My identity is an alignment of my behaviors and my beliefs. 872 00:51:18,160 --> 00:51:22,120 And the more I lean into that reality for myself, the more I'm 873 00:51:22,120 --> 00:51:26,800 able to demonstrate it and speak from that place to hopefully 874 00:51:26,800 --> 00:51:31,760 support people in leading a life that is one that is from their 875 00:51:31,760 --> 00:51:33,840 identity. But we don't need scripts. 876 00:51:34,360 --> 00:51:38,720 And one of these hard realities is that if you're looking for a 877 00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:40,680 magic thing to say, then that's manipulation. 878 00:51:40,680 --> 00:51:42,760 You ain't going to be in no fucking relationship. 879 00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:45,160 That's abuse. That's manipulation. 880 00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:47,760 And I have the entitlement of thinking that if I say these 881 00:51:47,760 --> 00:51:50,960 things and you owe me some ass, that's trash. 882 00:51:51,720 --> 00:51:54,520 Should nobody be out here living that way? 883 00:51:55,160 --> 00:51:57,840 Like, I don't give a fuck what you read on the Internet, what 884 00:51:57,840 --> 00:51:59,520 you hear say. Ain't nobody entitled to 885 00:51:59,520 --> 00:52:05,640 nobody's bodies, and if you think that way, this ain't the 886 00:52:05,640 --> 00:52:08,160 space for you. And I hope you get the help that 887 00:52:08,160 --> 00:52:10,480 you need because it damn sure ain't going to be it. 888 00:52:10,480 --> 00:52:13,600 It's not going to be me if you're unwilling to hear the 889 00:52:13,600 --> 00:52:16,360 reality of how shitty that is and how that sounds. 890 00:52:17,200 --> 00:52:19,200 But that's not connection, that's manipulation. 891 00:52:19,200 --> 00:52:23,480 And I don't teach that shit here, So just wanted to make 892 00:52:23,480 --> 00:52:27,760 that known there. All right, But I say this 893 00:52:27,920 --> 00:52:31,360 disclosure versus discussion. But the Internet algorithms, I 894 00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:33,560 have to continue to use the word for that reason. 895 00:52:33,840 --> 00:52:38,080 But if you meet me and we end up having a conversation, I am 896 00:52:38,080 --> 00:52:41,640 going to invite you to use the word discussion over the word 897 00:52:41,640 --> 00:52:47,440 disclosure because, and I wrote about this on the Herpes blog, 898 00:52:47,440 --> 00:52:52,440 SP fpp.org/herpes Dash blog. If you Google herpes blog, it'll 899 00:52:52,440 --> 00:52:56,240 be one of the first days that comes up since the SEO is SEO. 900 00:52:56,240 --> 00:53:00,840 And maybe all this time that I've been having like not doing 901 00:53:00,840 --> 00:53:04,080 weekly podcast episodes and not really being on social media, 902 00:53:04,520 --> 00:53:09,680 things have been like, I feel like a much greater consistency 903 00:53:10,080 --> 00:53:11,920 and professionalism to an extent. 904 00:53:12,800 --> 00:53:15,760 But yeah, I, I don't like disclosure because it, it 905 00:53:15,920 --> 00:53:21,960 inherently prioritizes this you versus me dynamic, whereas 906 00:53:21,960 --> 00:53:25,480 discussion is a we us dynamic. It's not, I have to tell you 907 00:53:25,480 --> 00:53:29,040 about my Herbie status and you have to accept or reject it. 908 00:53:29,320 --> 00:53:32,960 It's a we, you and I are having a discussion about our sexual 909 00:53:32,960 --> 00:53:35,280 health status. It's not a confession, it's a 910 00:53:35,280 --> 00:53:37,280 conversation. It's not a disclosure, it's a 911 00:53:37,280 --> 00:53:40,240 discussion. And that's what I try and get 912 00:53:40,240 --> 00:53:43,240 people to realize is that that's what we want to do. 913 00:53:43,240 --> 00:53:46,560 I'm not giving you a script. I'm giving you an outline for 914 00:53:46,560 --> 00:53:49,440 covering the things that need to be covered for the conversation. 915 00:53:49,440 --> 00:53:54,800 You use your own language. So environmentally makes a 916 00:53:54,800 --> 00:53:57,040 difference. Contextually makes a difference. 917 00:53:57,040 --> 00:53:58,560 What y'all want makes a difference. 918 00:53:58,600 --> 00:54:01,160 Who you are, the attraction, right? 919 00:54:01,160 --> 00:54:03,480 There are a lot of factors that go into there, but ultimately, 920 00:54:03,480 --> 00:54:06,720 if you can, hey, you know, I see things getting sexual with us. 921 00:54:06,720 --> 00:54:08,440 Is that am I picking up on that? Right. 922 00:54:08,480 --> 00:54:09,200 Yeah. Great. 923 00:54:09,200 --> 00:54:11,840 Well, sexual health is important to me and it's important that I 924 00:54:11,840 --> 00:54:13,280 take care of mine and my partners. 925 00:54:13,600 --> 00:54:15,040 Are you in a place to talk about that? 926 00:54:15,280 --> 00:54:18,640 Yeah, great. I was tested this long ago. 927 00:54:18,640 --> 00:54:21,880 Here's what I was testing for. These things came back negative. 928 00:54:22,120 --> 00:54:24,600 Here's what came back positive. What about you? 929 00:54:25,800 --> 00:54:29,560 That's a discussion and if you feel like that's too much at one 930 00:54:29,560 --> 00:54:33,200 time then chunk it out. I was testing for these things. 931 00:54:33,200 --> 00:54:35,560 What about you? Oh yeah, these things came back 932 00:54:35,560 --> 00:54:36,520 negative. What about you? 933 00:54:36,880 --> 00:54:38,720 Here's what came back positive, What about you? 934 00:54:39,880 --> 00:54:43,880 Simple as that. So in that we create the 935 00:54:43,880 --> 00:54:45,560 standard. We set the standard for being 936 00:54:45,560 --> 00:54:49,200 able to Co create and experience through dialogue and the 937 00:54:49,200 --> 00:54:52,000 discussion, right? We shift from confession to 938 00:54:52,000 --> 00:54:55,920 conversation. It removes the ego out of, OK, 939 00:54:55,920 --> 00:54:58,640 if I say these things, this is the outcome I'm going to get 940 00:54:58,720 --> 00:55:02,280 based on my past experiences. No, the outline that you use in 941 00:55:02,280 --> 00:55:06,160 the moment and you show that you're fucking present, right? 942 00:55:06,160 --> 00:55:07,600 Like let's say somebody's eating a corn dog. 943 00:55:07,600 --> 00:55:09,800 Like, yeah, hey, I'm trying to turn into that corn dog. 944 00:55:09,800 --> 00:55:14,360 But before we do, let's have this conversation, right? 945 00:55:15,080 --> 00:55:18,880 So I don't teach people how to have transactional 946 00:55:18,880 --> 00:55:22,000 relationships. I don't do that shit. 947 00:55:22,400 --> 00:55:24,040 So I can't, I can't teach you that. 948 00:55:24,040 --> 00:55:27,400 Like, good luck finding you know what it is that you're looking 949 00:55:27,400 --> 00:55:30,000 for. But I want people to be able to 950 00:55:30,000 --> 00:55:33,840 come here and live their truth. Even if your truth is you decide 951 00:55:33,840 --> 00:55:37,480 that you don't want to have this conversation with people, right? 952 00:55:38,040 --> 00:55:41,360 Know that I'm not going to support it. 953 00:55:41,360 --> 00:55:45,400 I'm not going to endorse it. I'm going to give you the 954 00:55:45,400 --> 00:55:48,000 information, I'm going to challenge you and you're going 955 00:55:48,000 --> 00:55:50,680 to make the choice that aligns most authentically with who you 956 00:55:50,680 --> 00:55:54,280 are and be prepared to deal with whatever the possible outcomes 957 00:55:54,280 --> 00:55:58,000 are. My focus is on the output harm 958 00:55:58,000 --> 00:56:00,480 reduction. That includes harm to yourself 959 00:56:00,520 --> 00:56:03,240 and others. So I will do everything that I 960 00:56:03,240 --> 00:56:05,680 can. And authenticity to me is the 961 00:56:05,680 --> 00:56:07,960 pathway to that. Because if you are who you are 962 00:56:08,200 --> 00:56:12,640 and people make the choice to engage with who you are, then I, 963 00:56:12,680 --> 00:56:18,040 I did my job. Satya is one of the, Oh my God, 964 00:56:18,040 --> 00:56:21,800 Yamas or Niyama's Yama is external. 965 00:56:21,800 --> 00:56:23,800 Niyama is internal, I want to say. 966 00:56:24,200 --> 00:56:28,720 But Satya, truth, truthfulness. When you live in authentic life, 967 00:56:28,720 --> 00:56:32,680 it's almost like your actions and your words become true, 968 00:56:32,720 --> 00:56:35,960 become reality. So living in an authentic way, 969 00:56:35,960 --> 00:56:39,240 like, yeah, you know, I choose to share my status with people. 970 00:56:39,600 --> 00:56:42,040 All right, If that's true, I'm going to be put in situations 971 00:56:42,040 --> 00:56:44,240 where I have to share my status with people. 972 00:56:44,760 --> 00:56:47,680 And if I'm talking all this, make it a conversation and 973 00:56:47,680 --> 00:56:50,640 discussion shit. And I'm not doing that. 974 00:56:50,640 --> 00:56:52,880 I'm not being authentic. I'm inauthentic. 975 00:56:52,880 --> 00:56:56,280 How can I, how can I do that? I can't Co create from an 976 00:56:56,320 --> 00:56:59,840 inauthentic place. And so being able to have this 977 00:56:59,840 --> 00:57:03,280 conversation is kind of like Co creating. 978 00:57:04,760 --> 00:57:06,880 And I value that. I value the ability to create 979 00:57:06,880 --> 00:57:09,000 because it's sexual energy, right? 980 00:57:09,000 --> 00:57:12,480 Maybe I don't want to have sex. Maybe I, I, it's just an 981 00:57:12,480 --> 00:57:15,960 inherent drive to create. Maybe we do something together 982 00:57:17,440 --> 00:57:21,800 and maybe we have sex, right? But it's the use of that energy 983 00:57:21,800 --> 00:57:24,480 in a collaborative and exploratory way. 984 00:57:24,480 --> 00:57:30,040 All right, so wrapping this all up, Speaking of sex and sexual 985 00:57:30,040 --> 00:57:33,800 health, the next recording that I do is going to be with Tamar 986 00:57:33,880 --> 00:57:37,600 Weir, who runs Pomegranate Pleasure on Instagram. 987 00:57:38,040 --> 00:57:40,800 Follow her. She was on the podcast before 988 00:57:40,800 --> 00:57:45,240 about polyamory nominogamy and living with herpes, and she 989 00:57:45,240 --> 00:57:47,120 talked a little bit about pleasure as well. 990 00:57:47,680 --> 00:57:52,480 But we connected last year for that podcast episode and then we 991 00:57:52,480 --> 00:57:56,880 got to meet in person and we're going to talk about urea plasma 992 00:57:57,680 --> 00:58:01,120 and being able to communicate that to partners because we were 993 00:58:01,120 --> 00:58:05,000 partners and she had, you know, sent me a text of hey, I was 994 00:58:05,000 --> 00:58:07,360 exposed to area plasma. We talked about it and we're 995 00:58:07,360 --> 00:58:10,160 going to do a podcast episode. We're going to record today. 996 00:58:10,440 --> 00:58:14,320 So be on the lookout for that as the next podcast episode. 997 00:58:15,560 --> 00:58:17,760 And yeah, please subscribe to the newsletter. 998 00:58:18,040 --> 00:58:21,240 The algorithm sucks. So in order for me to appease 999 00:58:21,240 --> 00:58:25,680 the algorithm, I have to speak in a certain way and I don't 1000 00:58:25,680 --> 00:58:27,720 want to play that shit. So I'm going to say what I got 1001 00:58:27,720 --> 00:58:29,920 to say the way that I say it. And we're going to put it out 1002 00:58:29,920 --> 00:58:32,400 there except for with the word disclosure, because that's how 1003 00:58:32,400 --> 00:58:41,440 people find me. So I'm I'm trying to be, I want 1004 00:58:41,440 --> 00:58:45,240 to be consistent and I want to continue to express in a way 1005 00:58:45,240 --> 00:58:48,160 that is truthful and not do the gimmicky shit. 1006 00:58:48,160 --> 00:58:52,360 I ain't got it. If anybody does want to be a 1007 00:58:52,360 --> 00:58:55,120 podcast guest, you have to be willing to be on camera. 1008 00:58:55,640 --> 00:58:58,400 I don't want to continue to feel stigma about hiding people and 1009 00:58:58,720 --> 00:59:02,440 having to go back later and remove podcast episodes because 1010 00:59:02,560 --> 00:59:05,600 over time people realize, oh shit, I'm on the Internet about 1011 00:59:05,600 --> 00:59:08,760 this. I, I can't take everything off 1012 00:59:08,760 --> 00:59:10,480 the Internet. Once I hit publish on that 1013 00:59:10,480 --> 00:59:13,240 podcast episode, I don't know where this shit ends up. 1014 00:59:14,320 --> 00:59:17,000 I know it's on the feed and I can remove it from the feed, but 1015 00:59:17,200 --> 00:59:19,480 you going to reach out to me and say, hey, this new, this other 1016 00:59:19,480 --> 00:59:22,840 podcast posting site, I, I don't have time for that. 1017 00:59:23,120 --> 00:59:26,080 So unless you are absolutely certain that you want to be a 1018 00:59:26,080 --> 00:59:29,760 podcast guest, don't we? We don't need to. 1019 00:59:29,760 --> 00:59:32,200 Some people say they want to be podcast guest, but really you 1020 00:59:32,200 --> 00:59:35,320 need a support call. I say that with the utmost 1021 00:59:35,320 --> 00:59:40,920 respect, but please don't submit the podcast guest intake form if 1022 00:59:40,920 --> 00:59:44,480 you are not willing to actually be a podcast guest and if you're 1023 00:59:44,480 --> 00:59:47,240 not at an OK place with your status. 1024 00:59:47,240 --> 00:59:49,840 So at least be able to talk about it, y'all please. 1025 00:59:50,240 --> 00:59:53,280 And then the last thing I have as far as collaborations go, I'm 1026 00:59:53,280 --> 00:59:57,200 looking for people who want to be on camera talking about 1027 00:59:57,200 --> 01:00:00,160 sexual health and relationships or would love to be able to 1028 01:00:00,160 --> 01:00:04,040 start here and branch out and be able to do these things. 1029 01:00:04,840 --> 01:00:07,360 However. You know, if I got to like I got 1030 01:00:07,360 --> 01:00:12,520 a time limit, like I, I need this by August 29th. 1031 01:00:12,520 --> 01:00:14,400 I need to know if people want to do this. 1032 01:00:14,400 --> 01:00:17,680 I'm located in Brooklyn, NY. I have a videographer. 1033 01:00:17,680 --> 01:00:20,520 If you're somebody who wants to volunteer your time to help me 1034 01:00:20,840 --> 01:00:24,720 do these things and create this video library on how to discuss 1035 01:00:24,720 --> 01:00:27,200 your sexual health status and relationships with partners, 1036 01:00:27,480 --> 01:00:30,120 please reach out to me. I'm available for that in those 1037 01:00:30,120 --> 01:00:32,440 conversations. I'm currently reaching out to 1038 01:00:32,440 --> 01:00:35,080 local sexual health organizations, the Department of 1039 01:00:35,080 --> 01:00:38,520 Health, to Co create a social media campaign where we're able 1040 01:00:38,520 --> 01:00:42,200 to show people what it's like to talk about sex with partners, 1041 01:00:42,360 --> 01:00:45,120 what it's like to discuss sex and sexual health in a clinical 1042 01:00:45,120 --> 01:00:47,880 setting, as a provider, as a mental health professional, or 1043 01:00:47,880 --> 01:00:50,320 even as a patient to initiate that conversation. 1044 01:00:50,680 --> 01:00:53,800 So that's what we're working on. And yeah, please check the 1045 01:00:53,800 --> 01:00:57,040 newsletter for blogs and upcoming events. 1046 01:00:57,360 --> 01:01:01,400 And also, yeah, I, I, I want to teach y'all this thing that I'm 1047 01:01:01,400 --> 01:01:05,160 teaching about nurturing your nature, which is identifying the 1048 01:01:05,200 --> 01:01:09,480 intangible aspects of yourself, your values, beliefs, and being 1049 01:01:09,480 --> 01:01:12,000 able to nurture those and validate them through your 1050 01:01:12,000 --> 01:01:16,840 expression of identity. All right, till next time, stay 1051 01:01:16,840 --> 01:01:20,520 present y'all and thank you for watching or listening or 1052 01:01:20,520 --> 01:01:22,040 whatever it is that you're doing. 1053 01:01:23,160 --> 01:01:26,760 I appreciate it and look forward to hopefully connecting with 1054 01:01:26,760 --> 01:01:30,440 people at some of the events. This is me trying to stall while 1055 01:01:30,440 --> 01:01:32,840 I hit the stop record button, but it ain't happening. 1056 01:01:32,840 --> 01:01:33,680 Here we go, Bam.