1 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:04,160 Oh, we got right into it all right. 2 00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:06,640 Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. 3 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:09,520 I'm Courtney Brand. Something positive for Positive 4 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:12,920 people is A5O1C3 nonprofit organization supporting people 5 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:14,760 living with herpes and navigating sticky. 6 00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:20,760 I'm making sure that this time the microphone is plugged in and 7 00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:25,120 on because I apologize for how Part 1 sounded. 8 00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:30,280 I listened to a little bit of it and man, I felt like I was I 9 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,119 thought I was on. I really did. 10 00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:33,920 But I got the blue light, green light. 11 00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:38,920 So that means go. I'm just leaving the gym and I 12 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:42,400 got the apartment this half to myself. 13 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:45,880 So it felt like a good time to go ahead and drop in here and 14 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,600 record this. So we got the transcription 15 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,360 going and we got the recording happening. 16 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:54,720 So I think we are good to go. Part 1 of what Herpes taught me 17 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:58,040 about authenticity. I think that was a lot of 18 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:00,080 rambling. It definitely was, and I'm glad 19 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:06,600 that I was able to do it that and get it out because I was 20 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,600 able to say some things that I think I hadn't been able to say 21 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:12,200 out loud before. And you know, sometimes when you 22 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:15,880 say a thing, you also hear the thing for the first time, like 23 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:18,800 in the thought state, it's not real. 24 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,520 But then when you say it, it's like, oh, I said that. 25 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:25,840 And some of those things really led me to explore my 26 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:30,920 relationship to my herpes diagnosis and look at exactly 27 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:36,040 how authenticity has been a thing that has supported me and 28 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,400 helped me with getting to the place that I'm at now. 29 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:41,160 And when I say the place that I'm at now, I don't mean I'm 30 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:43,760 fully on the other side of it. I'm healed. 31 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:49,320 And this is the end game of what it looks like to conquer herpes 32 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:53,560 stigma. In fact, one of the more 33 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:57,680 important things out of this is herpes has taught me to not 34 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,480 necessarily look at things as good or bad. 35 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:05,680 Because one hand, when you get a herpes diagnosis, obviously this 36 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:08,160 is the worst thing that ever happened, right? 37 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,600 And then the best thing that could ever happen is you get rid 38 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:13,760 of the worst thing that ever happened. 39 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:18,840 But the reality is that prior to that diagnosis, there was a 40 00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:22,120 whole experience that was on the other end of the spectrum taking 41 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:27,160 place there to where it had to create like an extreme response 42 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:28,880 to whatever it was that was happening. 43 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:33,680 So now the point of diagnosis has now created a whole new 44 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:37,720 polarity that exists. In between that polarity, 45 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,960 there's the, the, the bad of that, which is the negative. 46 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:44,600 And then there's the potential for good, which is the positive. 47 00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:48,720 And it we, as we know, positive and negative are drawn together, 48 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:51,400 right? And that force between the 49 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:56,080 positive and negative that pull them towards one another, it 50 00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:59,560 generates a field like a magnetic field. 51 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:04,440 And it's on that spectrum that I think there's a constant like up 52 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:07,760 and down, back and forth. Guitar string is a really good 53 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:09,480 example. When you pluck the guitar string 54 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:12,680 like it creates the vibration that has its peaks and valleys. 55 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:18,920 So in those peaks and valleys you experience, not just bad, 56 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,360 unless that's where you place your awareness and you're on 57 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:26,560 this side of the negative or just good on this side or the 58 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:29,160 positive, right? I want you to throw that thought 59 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,240 process out the window. I say that because that's what 60 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:36,560 people can universally relate to, but the reality is that this 61 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,720 isn't like a good or bad thing. It's a positive and a negative. 62 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:42,240 You can have a positive perspective on this and you can 63 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:44,120 have a negative perspective on this. 64 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:49,000 But The thing is, when you look at it that way, it's almost like 65 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:53,160 you have to choose a side. And that's one of the steps that 66 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:57,040 I had to take in order to get to a place of recognizing, oh, I 67 00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:00,080 don't choose one or the other, right? 68 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:04,360 You kind of bring your awareness outside of that duality and you 69 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:09,280 can see the whole of it. You see, oh, these two opposing, 70 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:13,200 they're not opposing forces, they're just one's +1's negative 71 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,720 and they complement each other in order for whatever 72 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:21,279 experiences in between the positive and negative forces are 73 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:26,520 that exists, those can only take place with the positive and the 74 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:29,440 negative, right? I think I gave the definition 75 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,440 last time, but I'm going to reiterate this a lot. 76 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:35,680 Positive just means presence and negative just means infinite 77 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:39,600 potential, right? So it's not good or bad, right? 78 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:43,800 The behavior of something with infinite potential is that it's 79 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:47,600 very in motion. The thing about something that 80 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:51,640 is positive and present is that it's very stable and consistent. 81 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:54,760 It's still right. You can always rely on that 82 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:58,640 thing to be there. Whereas with the negativity, 83 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:02,000 it's very all over the place, chaotic, and it's looking for a 84 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,960 place of ground. So these two forces are trying 85 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:08,800 to connect with each other, each other merge and become whole. 86 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:15,040 But the awareness that we have the neutron, if you will, of an 87 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:17,720 atom. So we got the proton positive, 88 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:21,400 electron negative, and then we got the neutron awareness that 89 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:26,760 essentially creates the nucleus that gives an orbit to what is 90 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:31,920 constantly in motion and allows for that stillness that's there 91 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:37,080 to be seen by the things that are constantly emotion. 92 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:39,840 So I, I, I give that framework and like, I think that's the 93 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:43,200 highest level is I'm going to go with this because I recognize 94 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:49,400 when I got my herpes diagnosis where I was in the sense that I 95 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:54,200 was naive and probably still am to some extent, but the naivety 96 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:58,600 that I had was in relation to relationships. 97 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:06,160 And I think that sex played a major part of what I maybe was 98 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:11,400 oblivious to or naive to because I didn't get herpes until after 99 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:14,720 college or I didn't know that I had herpes until after college. 100 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,960 So I got played college sports and I was an athlete. 101 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:23,160 So like the opportunities were there, but it was strange that 102 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:26,240 like nothing happened until after college when I was living 103 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:27,760 at home with my grandmother, right? 104 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:34,360 And what I've come to realize is that our nervous systems really 105 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:37,680 speak to us. Our nervous systems speak very 106 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:39,400 gently. It's almost like a whisper. 107 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:43,400 It's a very gentle whisper. And it comes from that place of 108 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,480 stillness that often times, if our awareness isn't really on 109 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:49,520 that stillness, if we're not grounded, if we're not in our 110 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:53,000 own, like nucleus of an atom, right? 111 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:57,000 And if we view ourselves as such, when our awareness is not 112 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,720 here, we miss things. There are signals that come in. 113 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,440 And in my case, I think that it was being involved with 114 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:08,120 relationships and the relationship that I had to my 115 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:12,640 body, that not just my body, but my body, my mind, my thought 116 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:16,000 process, as well as my circumstances. 117 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,920 Like I didn't belong where I was. 118 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,000 I didn't belong at my grandmother's house. 119 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:24,440 I didn't belong in Saint Louis. I didn't belong in the life 120 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:27,960 pattern of what my parents had, right? 121 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,440 Like they had me, they got pregnant at 17. 122 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:31,960 They had me when they were 18 years old. 123 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,960 I'm grateful to have had such young parents because it feels 124 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,160 like on one hand, you know, we, we grew up together. 125 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:42,200 My dad's always been like a dad, but my mom and I, I lived with 126 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,480 her and we were more so raised by my grandfather. 127 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,760 So I think that that has a lot to do with how I turned out. 128 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:48,120 Completely different conversation. 129 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:53,240 So looking at what was happening around that time for me, I think 130 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,720 that I was very much chasing sex. 131 00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:58,680 It was, it was sex that I was chasing. 132 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:04,720 And I think that when I got it, like the way that I would get it 133 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,280 was not through any kind of aligned or conscious 134 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:11,640 relationships at all. It was just like, oh, cool, this 135 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,680 person likes me. I think I like them too. 136 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:18,640 And then she and I would, you know, get together, get into a 137 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:21,560 relationship. And I think that the core reason 138 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:26,200 for getting into relationships was for the consistent access of 139 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:30,400 sex. So I, I think about it and like, 140 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:34,080 I didn't have a lot of sexual partners pre diagnosis at all. 141 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,400 I was constantly in relationships and then whenever 142 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:42,480 like there was a breakup or something, I would have like I 143 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:46,200 try to do things with somebody else and sometimes it was 144 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,520 successful, sometimes it wasn't. Most of the time it wasn't 145 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:52,280 successful. And by success, I mean it 146 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,600 happening. So it it wasn't often that that 147 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:58,880 happened. But when I got my diagnosis, 148 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:01,520 thinking about what was happening around that time, I 149 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:03,320 had gotten done playing football. 150 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:09,480 I graduated college. I got a job working as I was 151 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:12,520 basically a secretary. I was a secretary for I think a 152 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:19,200 little bit over a year. And I worked with women who 153 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,480 really like the job that they had. 154 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:24,600 Like these were my counter part. So it's me, you know, this 155 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:29,800 former college football player and then like 4 white women who 156 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,600 were hired, you know, so I won't say they were hired for their 157 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:36,440 looks, but they were very much like the, the old white men who 158 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:40,600 were the managers at the place. They, they definitely had a 159 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:43,600 tight that they hired, right? And it is me. 160 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:50,680 So I, I'm in this environment I don't belong in and even in the 161 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:54,160 dating and relationships that I had, I didn't belong in that 162 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,440 relationship. You know, she and I, we were on 163 00:09:56,440 --> 00:10:00,960 two different pages about things, but also I didn't know 164 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:04,840 what it was that I wanted around the time of my diagnosis. 165 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,440 And I don't think that I ever really gave myself the 166 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:14,600 opportunity to explore that it was always what I was supposed 167 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:19,040 to do based on my environment rather than what I want to do 168 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,760 based on my inner world, my inner environment, what it is 169 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:26,400 that I would like for myself. I used to think that y'all going 170 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,200 to laugh at this. I used to think I wanted five 171 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:31,640 kids because I'm one of five, but I'm technically I'm my only 172 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,600 I'm my parents only child together. 173 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:37,480 My mom had a boy and a girl. My dad had two other boys. 174 00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:41,280 So I'm like the the middle piece, technically only child, 175 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:44,000 but one of five and oldest and only. 176 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:47,400 So it's an interesting dynamic with that for myself. 177 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:49,840 And so I used to think that I was like, yeah, I'm with five 178 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:52,280 kids. And you know, I'm, I'm 37 right 179 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:55,240 now. And when I was when my dad was 180 00:10:55,240 --> 00:11:01,600 37, he had a 18 year old turning 19, going to College, in college 181 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:05,200 actually, and then 1112 year old, you know, he was 12 and 13, 182 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,520 I think. And I can't imagine like I got 183 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:13,360 roommates at 37 and I don't have, I don't have a consistent 184 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,720 salary. You know, I feel like I'm just 185 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:21,120 now figuring a lot of things out for myself that I wouldn't have 186 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:24,440 been able to figure out at 18. But the the pressure of what my 187 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:29,240 dad experienced with becoming a parent, I think that that might 188 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:35,880 have forced him into a locked in lifestyle that I was able to 189 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:38,880 have the privilege and honor of learning from them. 190 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:40,720 All right. I don't want to do this right 191 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:42,440 now. And I was able to take the 192 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:47,240 necessary precautions in order to not limit myself to the 193 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:51,160 progression, the pathway that my parents ended up going down and 194 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:55,040 having kids early. And then like having to make 195 00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:57,200 sure that there was constant money coming in because you got 196 00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,160 to raise this kid. You got to do a lot of stuff 197 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:01,720 that you don't want to do. Because I've been able to 198 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,760 actually do a lot of the things that I want to do, everything 199 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:08,280 that I need to do. So I don't have to tell myself 200 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:10,320 no. I don't have to justify to 201 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:15,040 anybody. And I'm learning to more. 202 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:20,000 So appreciate that, especially through the lens of my herpes 203 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:25,520 diagnosis, because I will say that getting herpes freed me 204 00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:28,600 from a cage that I didn't know I was in. 205 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:34,160 Like I was in a cage of pursuing sexual partners because 206 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:35,880 partially that's what I thought I was supposed to do. 207 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:40,000 But then when it became a point where I felt like I can't do 208 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:43,960 that anymore, that's where the work started. 209 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:51,120 That's where I didn't consciously go into figuring out 210 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,880 what's my relationship to sex like. 211 00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:56,240 It was OK, I got herpes. Now I need to just try and make 212 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:59,200 the relationships that I had work or I'm going to have to do 213 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,560 a hard thing, which is telling the people that I have herpes. 214 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,760 I don't want to do that. And you get tired. 215 00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:13,120 I got tired of having to do that y'all and putting AAI want to 216 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:16,880 make sure to really elaborate on the importance here of going 217 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:20,440 through and looking at what was happening around the time of 218 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:23,120 diagnosis, because that is often times where we kind of get 219 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,800 stuck. I make this I make this joke to 220 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:30,960 my mom about when she had me, she kind of like her life was 221 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:35,440 kind of like screenshot in that moment of being 18 because 222 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,880 that's where she became a parent, right? 223 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,800 Like I like to think that, you know, people mature, people 224 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:43,880 grow, people develop. But I make this joke with my 225 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,680 mom, but I think there might be a little bit of seriousness to 226 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:50,240 it because I feel like that's the same case for me. 227 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:55,400 When I got my diagnosis, I think that I was screenshot into that 228 00:13:55,400 --> 00:14:01,000 person and it was that person who everything that was 229 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,920 happening around me, I wasn't listening to. 230 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,800 Because you don't see it, You can't feel it, you can't touch 231 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,440 it, you can't smell it, you can't taste it. 232 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:14,560 You cannot experience what was happening around your diagnosis 233 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,240 or the warning signals that might have come from your 234 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:23,840 nervous system. You don't have that until it it 235 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,240 gets to a point where you're, I'm sorry, you don't have that 236 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:30,400 if you don't have the awareness. So I was not aware. 237 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:34,480 I was always very what do I need to do for this person to make 238 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,320 them like me and get what I want from them? 239 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:41,720 How can I be as nice and not like the people that people talk 240 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,440 bad about so that I can get what it is that I want? 241 00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:49,760 And I think that that version of me was collapsed and like frozen 242 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:52,240 and stuck and solidified in that state. 243 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:58,560 And many of us diagnosed with herpes, that's where we are, but 244 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,320 we don't know it. Like that's it. 245 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:03,880 And we try to avoid this. We try to avoid this. 246 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:06,880 And we're like, oh, herpes stigma, It's not my fault. 247 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:09,320 Like I, I, I brought this upon myself. 248 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:14,400 The gods punishing me, right? And we, we don't take 249 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:17,240 responsibility or we take responsibility for the wrong 250 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,600 things. And so when I got my diagnosis, 251 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:23,840 I think my story that I told myself was I did not want to be 252 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,080 known as the person who was giving people herpes. 253 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,680 And that's, that's who this is. That's this stuff for anybody 254 00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:31,120 who's just listening. Like I'm holding the fist as 255 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:35,040 like a solid, a solid representation of a physical 256 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:40,680 particle of my identity. When I got my diagnosis, this 257 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:47,200 person was very driven by sex and sexual relationships. 258 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:52,840 This person was very I want to use as simple language as 259 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,680 possible. So if I do use things like 260 00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:59,280 people pleasing and all that kind of shit, I apologize. 261 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:02,800 I don't have better language for it, but that person was very 262 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,120 well. What do you want to do? 263 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:08,960 Like, I very safe. I use the analogy of how I 264 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,680 played football when I got to college. 265 00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:13,360 Like when I got to college, it was OK, don't fuck this up. 266 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:18,920 Very don't fuck this up. And there was no like expression 267 00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:21,840 of me. There was no breaking the rule 268 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:26,400 to make the play like I would have done in high school because 269 00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:30,360 I was so severely afraid of what those consequences would bring 270 00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:34,160 out that it was more important for me to play safe than it was 271 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:37,520 for me to just play. And anybody who's an athlete 272 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:41,080 will, will understand that. I think that for the general 273 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:44,440 population, the best way that I can say it is you don't take 274 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:48,120 risks. So I, I wouldn't take risks. 275 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:51,040 I was not a risk taker. And this, this version of me 276 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:57,320 like solidify to a point where it's just, it's just like this, 277 00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:01,200 this rock, this, this rock that ain't got nothing to it ain't no 278 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:02,720 personality. You can't stick to it. 279 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,280 It, it's just there. It's not magnetic. 280 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:10,040 It's it's just there. And that's who I think I became 281 00:17:10,319 --> 00:17:14,720 when I got my diagnosis and I lived in this way for about four 282 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,400 years. The relationships that I would 283 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,760 enter was like, damn, you know, I shouldn't be with this person. 284 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:24,119 But you know what ain't no hostility of no, there was 285 00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:31,360 hostility. The emotional, I don't think the 286 00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:34,040 word emotional abuse really fits. 287 00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:38,520 Manipulation feels more accurate, right? 288 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:46,000 The control that I experienced, but didn't see it as that 289 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,800 because it's like, all right, well, we both get in something, 290 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,840 right? But it wasn't a fit. 291 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:53,680 The relationship at that time wasn't a fit. 292 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,200 No, mind you, this was, you know, 13 years ago. 293 00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:59,720 It'll be thirteen years for me that I've had herpes in about a 294 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:05,320 month. We get stuck in this when before 295 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:08,080 we might have been moving like this, like we, we live in this 296 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:13,040 waves, and then we just collapse ourselves into this particle. 297 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:18,880 And I think that through the waves of our existence, the 298 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:22,280 freedom that we had, people feel like they lost that because now 299 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:26,520 there's this solid thing that is only a physical manifestation of 300 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:30,560 not listening to the warning signs of the nervous system, not 301 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:33,280 listening to the nervous system being like, hey, can you bring 302 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:34,760 your awareness here? I need you. 303 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:36,920 I need your awareness here. There's something happening. 304 00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:41,760 I use this analogy of our bodies host a variety of bacteria, 305 00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:46,600 fungi, parasites and viruses at an amount that if we were ever 306 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:49,480 screened or tested for it, we might have antibodies for 307 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,360 whatever it is, but we won't test positive. 308 00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:58,440 And the equivalent of that is you're the landlord or you're 309 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,760 the leasing office or the Superintendent of an apartment 310 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,960 complex. So we host these things and 311 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:08,440 let's say tenant 1B is herpes, the herpes simplex miners. 312 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:13,400 And so in 1B, it's hot outside and the air conditioner goes 313 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:16,560 out. In 1B, Herpes is first going to 314 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,880 notify you via e-mail, Hey, our air conditioner went out, 315 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,760 supposed to be 90° next week. Can you come get this fixed if 316 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:29,600 you're not home, if you're not present and attuned to the needs 317 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:32,760 of your nervous system, because it might come to you in like a 318 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:36,920 gentle whisper, right of hey, there needs to be some 319 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:41,920 maintenance here in the body. Then you missed that e-mail. 320 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:45,280 Next there's my there might be a second e-mail like there's a 321 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:47,840 phone call. And if you're not in your body, 322 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:50,840 if you're not aware, if your awareness is way out there 323 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:53,080 somewhere else on what other people got going on. 324 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:57,080 If you're chasing something, chasing validation externally, 325 00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:01,840 you're chasing or allowing yourself to be like sad because 326 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:04,600 you're in an environment that you don't want to be in, or 327 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,600 you're feeling helpless, or you're stagnant and you're 328 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:13,960 unable to come home into your. Neutron awareness, neutral self, 329 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,880 to be able to have the awareness of all right, this is what's 330 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:22,360 happening in my body now. You're going to start to get 331 00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:23,840 knocking at the door of the lease. 332 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,320 And I was like, hey, come fix our AC. 333 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,640 It's hot, it's hot, our hair ain't working. 334 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,640 And then after that, your tendon is going to not pay rent. 335 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:35,800 And then maybe they look for a new place to live and then bath. 336 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:37,840 There's your physical representation, There's your 337 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,120 physical expression of the herpes virus, right? 338 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:49,240 So a lot of what I think from myself was my awareness, not 339 00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:53,400 being here, not being focused on who I am myself, not having 340 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:57,040 boundaries, not really having any sort of code that I live by. 341 00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:00,680 It was just very action driven. Everything was go, go, go. 342 00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:05,320 In yoga, there's rajas, which means like motion or heat. 343 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:08,920 And then Thomas means like stillness and and cold. 344 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:13,000 And then there's this state of Satva where both of those are in 345 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:16,400 balance. So if your awareness is aligned 346 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:21,800 properly, then what happens is you give purpose to the motion 347 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,600 and then you give an outlet for the stillness. 348 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:28,680 Because we can move from that place of power when we're in 349 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:33,080 that sciatic state in a way that we're able to pick up on those 350 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:36,160 gentle whispers. So when we're able to be in our 351 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:40,560 nervous systems and we know our own code, our own boundaries, 352 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:44,360 and we live from that place, what happens is that the rest of 353 00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:49,680 the world begins to Orient itself to us, and our external 354 00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:53,040 reality begins to look like our internal reality, which it 355 00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:55,840 always does. And that just may not be a 356 00:21:55,840 --> 00:22:02,120 favorable thing for the simple fact that we don't recognize the 357 00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:04,520 inconsistencies because we're not here. 358 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,120 So we might have shit happen. We're like, damn, you know why I 359 00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:11,360 can't get this person to commit? Why can't I, you know, find this 360 00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:13,160 thing? Why am I unhappy at this job? 361 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:17,600 And when you start to have that curiosity, I think that that 362 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:21,880 curiosity brings you back home. But then when you get back home 363 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:24,360 and then you open up social media, boom, the awareness is 364 00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:26,880 gone. The awareness that was coming 365 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:33,640 back home to, you know, your own internal organization of being. 366 00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:41,520 When you begin to let that those external forces like out of the 367 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:46,720 shit, it's very difficult to get back to whatever baseline is or 368 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:51,280 get back into the nucleus to get back to self or center, right. 369 00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:58,680 So for me in that state, what was necessary was to incorporate 370 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:02,720 more of that awareness to it. And as you give your attention 371 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:06,760 to a thing, you start to see shit that maybe you don't like, 372 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:12,440 but the solidness of this, it begins to start to unfold and 373 00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:16,960 you start to witness and experience like, oh, OK, this is 374 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:21,120 what this really is. And then the unfolding of that 375 00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:25,080 is kind of bringing it back into the up and down wave function 376 00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:29,040 with a little bit of a reality there that we just have to do 377 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:32,280 things a little bit differently. And doing things a little bit 378 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:36,000 differently might look like examining those situations that 379 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,880 you might have been in around the time of diagnosis where you 380 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:44,280 were again, just screenshot into that place with no real 381 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:48,920 awareness of what or why this could be happening. 382 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:54,640 Like why did this happen to me? Because where was unit the 383 00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:58,360 tenant in unit 1B where they were knocking or where they were 384 00:23:58,360 --> 00:24:01,520 sending the e-mail? You missed that message where 385 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:07,600 you would have been, where you would have been. 386 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:14,560 My phone is ringing and it's a New York number and I am 100% 387 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:19,200 positive that this is the accountant that I have been 388 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:22,880 playing phone tag with for about a week and a half. 389 00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:26,520 And it is, it's Saturday morning at 11. 390 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:30,560 And I'm positive that when I get off of here and call him, he is 391 00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:35,280 not going to answer the phone. This is more important to me 392 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:39,880 than the accountant call. So I'm going to finish this and 393 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:42,920 my phone or do not disturb. So I know he called a few times. 394 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:47,760 Jesus. OK, so look at me manifesting 395 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:49,760 the accountant call. Is this you? 396 00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,080 What's more important to you, the accountant call or this 397 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:57,080 podcast? OK, so because I don't know how 398 00:24:57,080 --> 00:24:59,760 to pause this and I don't want to, I don't want to recordings. 399 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:01,240 I'm doing no editing, none of that. 400 00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:04,400 So we we going to have to deal with that later. 401 00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:07,920 Why did I see that? It just messed me up. 402 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:13,840 So bringing our awareness to not just the herpes, but the 403 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:18,920 solidified narrative that we've created for ourselves that has 404 00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:22,000 solidified beyond the nervous system. 405 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:24,800 And the message is that we would have gotten from the nervous 406 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:26,400 system of, hey, look at this thing. 407 00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:30,600 Hey, I'm uncomfortable around certain people. 408 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:34,080 Are there certain environments that maybe we should be 409 00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:36,200 participating in or taking part in? 410 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:41,840 And when you're able to begin to look at that with curiosity, 411 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,280 that sort of brings your awareness more home. 412 00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,200 And then at that point, like you got a choice. 413 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:50,240 You can either be with that and identify it, lean into it, 414 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:55,880 explore it, see what's there, uncouple it away from what's 415 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,760 what's real, what's not real, or you can avoid it. 416 00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:03,120 And I think that those first four years from me, it was very 417 00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:07,360 much like not doing any of this. It was more getting further and 418 00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:10,480 further away from myself. Because when you're chasing me 419 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:15,080 or you're really in pursuit of a thing, there's really no, 420 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:17,720 there's no incentive to not right. 421 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:21,280 Like what was the incentive for me to come back home to myself 422 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:26,080 or have any kind of self-awareness or look at what 423 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:29,720 was happening for me. It wasn't until this happened 424 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:34,720 and then when this happened and I got to see how it was 425 00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:39,400 controlling the the way it functions in my life. 426 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:42,280 Like the peaks and the valleys. The peaks and valleys were often 427 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,840 dictated on herpes. Oh my God, someone accepts me 428 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:47,640 for having herpes peak. Oh my God, this person rejected 429 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:53,920 me for having herpes Valley. And then you begin to develop 430 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:58,280 more of a solidified story in those peaks and valleys. 431 00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:02,440 OK great, I'm accepted. I'm validated whenever someone 432 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:05,880 does accept me from my herpes diagnosis and we have Sex 433 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:08,200 Valley. Damn, this is the story. 434 00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:11,080 Whenever I tell somebody, they're going to tell me no, 435 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:14,280 they're going to reject me. And whatever it is that we begin 436 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:19,680 to align our awareness to is really what it is that we start 437 00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:22,720 to believe about ourselves. Like we we begin to believe that 438 00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:28,240 and how the beliefs begin to shape the behaviors of what 439 00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:33,800 happens next. So the thought process is the 440 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:38,440 events that have been begin to formulate beliefs that drive the 441 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:42,400 behaviors that if you're way out here, just constantly go go go 442 00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:47,200 chasing things and trying to secure maintain an identity that 443 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:49,720 doesn't align with who you are anymore. 444 00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:52,760 You're never going to be able to see this for yourself. 445 00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:55,480 I wasn't able to see it for myself. 446 00:27:56,520 --> 00:28:01,280 And so as you begin to disidentify, bring your 447 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:05,200 awareness to these things and then watch it kind of unravel 448 00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:09,480 and dissect what's true versus what's not true, you begin to 449 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:14,280 see where your identity is now, like it's fragmented. 450 00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:18,040 And that that's a whole another like concept identity 451 00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:19,920 fragmentation as it relates to stigma. 452 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:24,640 But keeping this on track here and what this means for 453 00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:27,720 authenticity, like people always just tell you, be yourself, just 454 00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:29,080 be yourself. But if you don't know who that 455 00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:35,840 is, who you be, if you only know yourself in relation to other 456 00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:41,720 people, what does that mean? So in one of the most recent 457 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:45,040 women's support groups, what came up was love. 458 00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:47,840 Like someone was like, I just need to learn to love myself. 459 00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,440 And so I asked, you know, hey, what is what's everybody's 460 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:55,720 definition of love? And I think one definition 461 00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:59,000 didn't have anything to do with other people, but the rest of 462 00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:01,240 them had to do with other people. 463 00:29:01,600 --> 00:29:06,560 So that inherently means that there cannot be love or a sense 464 00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:11,520 of self love without the presence of another to either 465 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:16,760 experience or be experienced in whatever that is, in whatever 466 00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:24,160 love is for a person. So the definition that I threw 467 00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:28,680 out there, this is actually my son Copa or like life intention 468 00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:35,120 was nurture your nature. So to love is to nurture ones 469 00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:38,280 nature. It's not exclusively contingent 470 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:42,120 on another person being present and doing the nurturing. 471 00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:46,760 It's more contingent on the person identifying and knowing 472 00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:52,360 what their nature is and then nurturing that, whether that be 473 00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:56,360 themselves nurturing their nature or if someone were to 474 00:29:56,360 --> 00:30:01,240 come into the picture for them to be nurturing to 1's nature. 475 00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:06,200 Going back to, you know, the solidified, you know, identity 476 00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:10,480 collapse of our identities after herpes diagnosis and all of the 477 00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:13,120 stories that we tell ourselves and what was happening around 478 00:30:13,120 --> 00:30:16,240 that. A lot of people have experienced 479 00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:21,920 an invalidation of identity, and it's in that invalidation of 480 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:26,160 identity that one's nature is not nurtured. 481 00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:29,400 There's a whatever the opposite of that would be, right? 482 00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:34,200 So experiencing the opposite of the nurturing of 1's nature, 483 00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:36,320 you're invalidating your own identity. 484 00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:42,280 And it's that in which people who you get your herpes 485 00:30:42,280 --> 00:30:44,440 diagnosis. And then it comes a point where 486 00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:49,680 it's like, OK, like what? What does this what does this 487 00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:52,000 mean? Why did God do this to me? 488 00:30:52,320 --> 00:30:56,120 What I shouldn't have been dot dot dot and we look at our 489 00:30:56,160 --> 00:31:08,520 actions that happen rather than looking at what our try not to 490 00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:11,560 use these high level last words. We're looking at our actions 491 00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:16,360 versus like the our feelings, like what we're feeling. 492 00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:21,200 Because a lot of times again, those subtle whispers will tell 493 00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:22,480 us, hey, get the fuck out of here. 494 00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:25,520 You get the fuck out of here. Get away from this person, get 495 00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:27,040 away from this thing, get away from this place. 496 00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:30,800 And the more we do a thing, the better we get at it. 497 00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:34,840 So we might not listen to that. And then we get better at not 498 00:31:34,840 --> 00:31:37,280 listening to our intuition. And then we look up and we 499 00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:45,280 wonder how this happened. And in my case, not nurturing my 500 00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:54,560 nature looked like obtaining what my nature is from other 501 00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:58,120 people, right? I use the example of like how my 502 00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:01,360 therapist told me I was polyamorous, how my ex told me I 503 00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:04,480 was polyamorous. And then it took for me to 504 00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:07,400 really bring my awareness to myself and be like, you know 505 00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:08,240 what? That don't fit. 506 00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:12,160 Like I've been saying non monogamous or I can be 507 00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:17,560 monogamous like it doesn't matter to me for years. 508 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:19,320 Like I've been saying that for years. 509 00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:24,640 And then I let people tell me. And then I felt like, OK, well I 510 00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:26,520 guess this is it. Like I got to believe that. 511 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:32,800 And that behavior carried 13 years later from my initial 512 00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:37,200 herpes diagnosis even till now of letting other people tell me 513 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:39,640 who and what I am, what I'm supposed to be. 514 00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:43,160 And you know, one of my board members, either she always says, 515 00:32:43,160 --> 00:32:44,480 Corey, this is more than the podcast. 516 00:32:44,480 --> 00:32:46,480 This is more than the podcast. And then I'm like, alright, 517 00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:50,480 well, you know, maybe I should not do the podcast right now. 518 00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:55,680 I let other people's opinions. I've been very impressionable. 519 00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:57,520 Let's say that I've been very impressionable. 520 00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:02,720 And I think that over the last God, it's been 2 weeks, I think 521 00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:07,840 it's been 2-3 weeks. I've not been impressionable. 522 00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:16,320 I've become more self-sufficient is the best way that I can put 523 00:33:16,320 --> 00:33:19,160 it. Like I'm not needing to take in 524 00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:24,120 energy, take in things from other people in order for me to 525 00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:31,320 maintain my spend. And like I this has been a hard 526 00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:34,400 thing because I've had to do things that I've never done like 527 00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:37,320 I've had to. I've had to end relationships, 528 00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:43,200 I've had to hit the I've had to say no. 529 00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:49,520 I've had to say no. And that's been such a hard 530 00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:54,760 thing for me because I want to say to everybody, I want to fix 531 00:33:54,760 --> 00:34:00,360 everybody. I want to do what's right and in 532 00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:09,679 aligning with the idea of nurturing my nature, it really 533 00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:20,800 the idea of right and wrong aren't opposites, they're 534 00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:25,440 complementary forces, right? There is no concept of right 535 00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:29,600 without the concept of wrong. And on that spectrum, again, 536 00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:32,040 this is where a lot of experiences can take place. 537 00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:40,760 And it feels wrong to leave somebody and abandoned them or 538 00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:45,440 to have to walk away, especially if they're like going through a 539 00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:51,320 hard time, right? And then the right thing becomes 540 00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:56,560 staying and helping them and supporting them. 541 00:34:57,280 --> 00:35:01,920 But then in that same duality, the right thing in that context 542 00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:03,840 is, oh, OK, I'm here. I'm here for this person. 543 00:35:03,840 --> 00:35:06,160 I'm supporting them. I'm I'm, I'm doing for them. 544 00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:11,480 And now the wrong thing in that is what's the what's the cost? 545 00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:14,200 What's the energetic trade off right? 546 00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:26,520 The right thing being to nurture my nature, the wrong thing being 547 00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:30,280 in the how of it. Like how do I nurture my nature 548 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:35,360 in relation to with a person without a person? 549 00:35:35,720 --> 00:35:42,800 And you can see how it can become very conflicting when 550 00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:46,640 related to external forces, external circumstances. 551 00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:53,280 And I think that regardless of like how it's felt in the 552 00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:57,160 process, it's not about what's right, what's wrong. 553 00:35:57,160 --> 00:36:00,720 It's about what's true, what's authentic, right and not. 554 00:36:00,720 --> 00:36:03,600 I think that that's the hardest part about authenticity is 555 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:09,960 because not only are you pulling back, you know, whatever you've 556 00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:14,560 been pouring into your, you've been pouring into things and now 557 00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:18,640 you have to step back and really take inventory on what it is 558 00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:22,360 you've been pouring into, what your, what the reciprocity is, 559 00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:24,680 what the big picture goal is. How does it align? 560 00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:28,800 How is it maintaining your own authenticity and truth and 561 00:36:28,800 --> 00:36:31,440 reality of who it is that you are and want to be? 562 00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:37,360 You know, I'm, I'm seeing consistently that nature rewards 563 00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:42,760 consistency, nature rewards evolution. 564 00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:47,120 So and efficiency, it rewards consistency and efficiency, 565 00:36:47,240 --> 00:36:50,160 right? And I've seen that over the 566 00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:52,200 years in something positive for positive people. 567 00:36:52,200 --> 00:36:55,720 Like as long as I've been consistent with and doing this, 568 00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:59,240 there's been an evolution that has occurred. 569 00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:03,960 And even for me like this, this I'm, I'm, I'm gone from thinking 570 00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:08,880 that this is who I am to this is an extension of me. 571 00:37:09,720 --> 00:37:13,320 And based on, you know, what I'm seeing reflected back to me, I'm 572 00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:15,960 able to pull from it and go, OK, that aligns, that aligns, that 573 00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:19,280 aligns, that aligns. But I'm also seeing the same way 574 00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:23,200 that I have issues and something positive for positive people. 575 00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:28,480 I have issues and relationships, and some of the things that have 576 00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:32,280 come up throughout the history of my relationships have been 577 00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:37,040 issues that have been presented in my face with something 578 00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:41,640 positive for positive people. And that has been a real hard 579 00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:43,800 reality because, you know, I've been doing this for nine years 580 00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:47,920 now and I've been positive for herpes for 13 years now. 581 00:37:47,920 --> 00:37:52,000 And to see that there have been things that have not changed 582 00:37:53,320 --> 00:37:58,360 tells me I've been stuck or I'm doing the wrong shit. 583 00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:01,880 And I don't think I'm stuck and I don't think I'm doing the 584 00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:04,160 wrong shit. I think that my awareness has 585 00:38:04,160 --> 00:38:10,520 just not been here in the nucleus of Courtney and it's 586 00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:13,080 something that, you know, I I, I, I got to get. 587 00:38:13,080 --> 00:38:14,920 I got to give a credit when she wears due. 588 00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:16,560 My ex was right. It's like when you need 589 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:21,280 boundaries and my thought process was always, well, why 590 00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:24,240 the fuck do I need boundaries with somebody that like I want 591 00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:27,240 in my space? Like I love being able to invite 592 00:38:27,240 --> 00:38:32,000 people into my space, but also I'm understanding the energetics 593 00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:36,040 of what that means. When you allow someone this 594 00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:40,600 close proximity to you, you become more of them. 595 00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:45,320 So without the energetic boundaries of things like I'll 596 00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:47,000 use something positive for positive people. 597 00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:50,120 For example, I'll have a 30 minute support call that 598 00:38:50,360 --> 00:38:54,160 sometimes I'll let go into becoming a 90 minute support 599 00:38:54,160 --> 00:38:58,720 call. I'll have someone show up 1015 600 00:38:58,720 --> 00:39:03,720 minutes late and then still give them their original time plus 15 601 00:39:03,720 --> 00:39:07,720 minutes. And I got to stop doing that 602 00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:09,960 shit. Like it like today, like today, 603 00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:12,840 it stops. I'm recording on a Saturday. 604 00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:17,280 I just so happen to like have the space, have the time, and 605 00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:20,720 this is something that needs to be done. 606 00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:24,240 And it just it did. I felt called to, I felt called 607 00:39:24,240 --> 00:39:25,680 to just go ahead and get it over with. 608 00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:34,520 I got to stop doing that in regards to like making people be 609 00:39:34,520 --> 00:39:37,920 intentional with the 30 minutes that we have together, right? 610 00:39:37,920 --> 00:39:40,160 You come in, we got 30 minutes for the support call. 611 00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:44,160 So you coming in with a thing. If you need the vent, there are 612 00:39:44,160 --> 00:39:47,400 places for that. I am also here for it to an 613 00:39:47,400 --> 00:39:51,720 extent, but I'm here to help you help you. 614 00:39:52,920 --> 00:39:55,480 That's what I'm here to. I'm, I'm here to help you help 615 00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:58,680 you. If you are unwilling to do the 616 00:39:58,680 --> 00:40:02,840 things that you know, you're telling me your situation, I'm 617 00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:05,480 giving you the thing that'll help you with the problem that 618 00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:09,720 you're presenting to me. If you don't want to do it, I 619 00:40:09,720 --> 00:40:14,400 can't help you. And that that feels wrong of me. 620 00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:16,840 It feels fucking wrong. My chest hurt. 621 00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:19,400 My chest just he was like, oh, did you just say that? 622 00:40:19,400 --> 00:40:21,960 Did you really just say that? You just said you can't help 623 00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:25,160 somebody? Because that's been the thing. 624 00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:29,000 Like I've given pity Dick around the time of my diagnosis. 625 00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:34,360 I remember, I remember like, don't nobody want no pity Dick? 626 00:40:35,000 --> 00:40:37,920 I mean, people do, but like, ain't nobody trying to have sex 627 00:40:37,920 --> 00:40:42,520 out of pity or just like, oh, you know what, she like me and 628 00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:47,480 she's there, right. And that's been a thing that has 629 00:40:47,480 --> 00:40:52,040 carried very well into my 30s. And this was something that was 630 00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:57,440 going on my my teenage years. I think about my first, Oh my 631 00:40:57,440 --> 00:41:01,320 God, this is heavy. So I'm going to say this and 632 00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:04,720 then we'll close that loop and then come back to the support 633 00:41:04,720 --> 00:41:08,240 calls. But one of my first 634 00:41:08,240 --> 00:41:12,400 relationships, I think that it's come from me being somebody who, 635 00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:14,920 like, I grew up, I was my momma's emotional boyfriend. 636 00:41:14,920 --> 00:41:18,960 So I've got this fucking seemingly infinite capacity for 637 00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:24,040 emotional bandwidth to be able to like take on somebody else's 638 00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:26,320 shit. And I never knew what was 639 00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:30,760 happening, what that was, what they did to me up until very 640 00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:34,120 recently. And so in my 1617 years old, 641 00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:37,600 someone that I was dating and ended up in a relationship, we 642 00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:39,520 had a lot of heavy shit going on. 643 00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:42,920 I did not know how that was impacting me, but I thought I 644 00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:46,040 was being a good boyfriend because I was there for her and 645 00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:49,120 I didn't leave or I didn't be like, Hey, you need to deal with 646 00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:54,000 this shit on your own, right? And so Fast forward into 647 00:41:54,040 --> 00:41:57,560 multiple relationships after that, like my the healthiest 648 00:41:57,560 --> 00:42:01,000 people that I was in relationships with, there was 649 00:42:01,000 --> 00:42:04,080 nothing happening. There was no polarity. 650 00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:06,800 It just became kind of like this flat thing. 651 00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:12,360 It was very flat and there was there would be like conflict, I 652 00:42:12,360 --> 00:42:14,040 think because there was no problem. 653 00:42:14,080 --> 00:42:17,200 But I'm like, yo, this is peaceful, which what you mean? 654 00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:25,920 But I've recognized that I think I've lost sexual attraction when 655 00:42:26,040 --> 00:42:28,720 at least over the nine years I've become more aware of this 656 00:42:28,720 --> 00:42:31,320 because now, you know, this is what I do. 657 00:42:31,320 --> 00:42:34,600 Like I hold the emotional space for a lot of people, especially 658 00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:38,680 day in, day out. And recognizing that when I have 659 00:42:38,680 --> 00:42:42,720 become an emotional boyfriend to somebody or like an emotional 660 00:42:42,720 --> 00:42:45,720 support resource, that puts me in the mindset of what I do 661 00:42:45,720 --> 00:42:47,680 here. And I've now been able to 662 00:42:47,720 --> 00:42:52,360 identify, oh, that is a boundary because I don't date people that 663 00:42:52,680 --> 00:42:56,840 are like clients or in support groups or that I have calls with 664 00:42:56,840 --> 00:43:00,080 or anything like that. That's been a hard boundary. 665 00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:05,280 So that boundary has leaked into my dating life to where in the 666 00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:09,440 event that somebody does like very early on without really 667 00:43:09,440 --> 00:43:15,640 entering the bubble or earning a spot in that bubble, like 668 00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:19,200 emotional venting, especially without a resolution, like I've 669 00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:23,880 decided that I will help anybody who is willing to help 670 00:43:23,880 --> 00:43:26,560 themselves. I will help anybody willing to 671 00:43:26,560 --> 00:43:28,840 help themselves. And I, I think I got that from 672 00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:31,160 watching One Piece because I, I learned that from Luffy. 673 00:43:31,160 --> 00:43:34,240 Luffy, Luffy, don't come to you and be like, what's wrong? 674 00:43:34,280 --> 00:43:36,280 How can I help? How can I fix your problems? 675 00:43:36,600 --> 00:43:39,720 Luffy is in passing, chilling, minding his own business. 676 00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:42,960 Somebody needs help. They have to ask for help and 677 00:43:42,960 --> 00:43:45,760 they have to be willing to fight for themselves. 678 00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:52,840 And like that is something that I've adopted for myself and 679 00:43:52,840 --> 00:43:55,160 integrated into my own boundaries. 680 00:43:55,160 --> 00:43:56,640 Like, I ain't never had that shit before. 681 00:43:57,440 --> 00:43:59,760 You know, I'm 37 years old. I think I heard the word bound 682 00:43:59,760 --> 00:44:02,120 just when I was what, 3234 it was. 683 00:44:02,120 --> 00:44:06,280 It was sometime around the pandemic that I started to 684 00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:09,040 really hear that word and understand what it meant because 685 00:44:09,040 --> 00:44:10,800 I was like, oh, why do I need to keep people out? 686 00:44:10,800 --> 00:44:12,960 I love having people in. I want to connect with 687 00:44:12,960 --> 00:44:15,880 everybody. And that shit don't work. 688 00:44:17,320 --> 00:44:28,520 That shit don't work. So as I've noticed in becoming 689 00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:34,760 an emotional like support that has absolutely killed sexual 690 00:44:34,760 --> 00:44:38,280 attraction for me. And I don't know that I've ever 691 00:44:38,280 --> 00:44:42,720 been able to really put it into words until yesterday, literally 692 00:44:42,720 --> 00:44:49,280 yesterday, saying it out loud. And another thing that in seeing 693 00:44:49,280 --> 00:44:54,720 someone, I, I saw a dating and relationships coach and we were 694 00:44:54,720 --> 00:44:57,200 talking about polyamory. And that was part of what 695 00:44:57,200 --> 00:45:00,640 affirmed that I'm not polyamorous, but that I had like 696 00:45:00,640 --> 00:45:04,880 more language around how to communicate who I am, how I do 697 00:45:04,880 --> 00:45:10,920 relationships to other people. She mentioned appropriately 698 00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:14,320 placing people and that that close knit thing, right? 699 00:45:14,320 --> 00:45:19,320 Like that's where people can, you know, vent or have access to 700 00:45:19,320 --> 00:45:21,880 me in a certain way. But even that like that is very 701 00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:25,720 exclusive and has to it has other boundaries there as well. 702 00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:28,320 Like it has to be reciprocal as well. 703 00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:33,600 But then there's the placement of people that maybe you call 704 00:45:33,600 --> 00:45:36,200 friends or your families, your community. 705 00:45:36,240 --> 00:45:38,720 Then there's some people that like, if I go dancing, there's 706 00:45:38,720 --> 00:45:41,080 people that I might see regularly that I would dance 707 00:45:41,080 --> 00:45:42,400 with. But these aren't the people who 708 00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:47,520 have like venting one-on-one privileges and emotional access 709 00:45:47,520 --> 00:45:49,200 to me. Or if I go out to a bar, I'm 710 00:45:49,200 --> 00:45:51,920 sure this happens to people all the time where somebody just 711 00:45:51,920 --> 00:45:54,560 tells you their life story and their trauma and like, dump that 712 00:45:54,560 --> 00:45:58,960 shit on you. I not I, I, I have to stop 713 00:45:58,960 --> 00:46:00,520 saying this is the last time I'll say it. 714 00:46:00,880 --> 00:46:06,080 I don't want to be an asshole. Like to be an asshole to me has 715 00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:10,720 been synonymous with prioritizing self and preserving 716 00:46:10,720 --> 00:46:13,520 energy. And now that I see like how God 717 00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:18,920 works, how authenticity works, how, you know, we are rewarded 718 00:46:18,920 --> 00:46:24,360 for our behaviors, I have become a much more selfish person in 719 00:46:24,360 --> 00:46:28,120 that sense, but not in the hateful way, not in the violent 720 00:46:28,120 --> 00:46:32,520 or aggressive way, but just in a way that works. 721 00:46:32,720 --> 00:46:36,800 And it's protecting my energy. And this is something that I've 722 00:46:36,800 --> 00:46:41,040 learned from herpes. So protecting my atomic 723 00:46:41,040 --> 00:46:43,920 structure because at the end of the day, we are protons, 724 00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:46,160 neutrons, electrons, right? Like that. 725 00:46:46,160 --> 00:46:47,960 That's, that's essentially what we are. 726 00:46:48,400 --> 00:46:53,320 And the way that these things operate are the rules that we 727 00:46:53,320 --> 00:46:59,600 have to live by. And so maximum evolution, 728 00:46:59,640 --> 00:47:04,600 minimum effort, minimum waste. And I have wasted a lot of 729 00:47:04,720 --> 00:47:09,120 energy and the pursuit of sexual partners and going back to the 730 00:47:09,120 --> 00:47:13,120 herpes diagnosis, like I see that now and I've been, I watch 731 00:47:13,120 --> 00:47:17,640 anime, lots of anime. And there are so many metaphors 732 00:47:17,680 --> 00:47:23,080 and synonymous things that parallel real life. 733 00:47:23,080 --> 00:47:27,360 Jiu Jitsu Kaizen is 1 where they have a heavenly pack. 734 00:47:27,360 --> 00:47:30,680 If you watch your Jiu Jitsu Kaizen, you know Toji and you 735 00:47:30,680 --> 00:47:37,040 know my goddamnit mocking. And they have heavenly packs. 736 00:47:37,040 --> 00:47:41,160 They don't have any cursed energy and they are solidified 737 00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:45,240 in this like straight up state where they are unaffected by the 738 00:47:45,240 --> 00:47:48,800 negative energy of others. And in exchange, they have like 739 00:47:48,800 --> 00:47:56,000 tremendous abilities, right? But they cut off they, they, the 740 00:47:56,000 --> 00:47:59,760 agreement is like, OK, now you don't get to use cursed energy. 741 00:47:59,760 --> 00:48:02,440 So everybody else has cursed energy except for like a couple 742 00:48:02,440 --> 00:48:05,880 of characters, right? And that's the exchange for that 743 00:48:05,880 --> 00:48:11,360 like superpower, the superhuman ability herpes has cut me off 744 00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:15,720 from being able to just Free Willy have sexual experiences 745 00:48:15,720 --> 00:48:18,040 with people that are from an unconscious place. 746 00:48:18,080 --> 00:48:20,600 And I didn't realize this at the time. 747 00:48:20,600 --> 00:48:23,920 Unconsciously I've been navigating it in the right way 748 00:48:24,360 --> 00:48:29,000 or the the way that it should be used because it's kind of giving 749 00:48:29,000 --> 00:48:33,240 me a reason to be authentic. Because now I can't not tell 750 00:48:33,240 --> 00:48:36,440 somebody I have herpes, not just because I have herpes and if I 751 00:48:36,440 --> 00:48:39,040 give it to them, that would suck, but because I also like 752 00:48:39,280 --> 00:48:41,840 you can Google me. And if somebody, if I hook up 753 00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:44,360 with somebody, don't tell them I have herpes and then they look 754 00:48:44,360 --> 00:48:47,440 me up online and find out that I gave them herpes, that is a 755 00:48:47,520 --> 00:48:51,160 lawsuit way to happen. So I now have to have that 756 00:48:51,160 --> 00:48:56,760 conversation business wise, but personally it, it affirms my 757 00:48:56,760 --> 00:49:03,800 values as a person of integrity that somebody who now also 758 00:49:03,800 --> 00:49:06,480 right. It's not just a mindless sexual 759 00:49:06,480 --> 00:49:08,120 thing that we use those people out. 760 00:49:08,120 --> 00:49:11,000 So there aren't going to be any energy drains of somebody who 761 00:49:11,280 --> 00:49:16,880 just wants to have sex with me because I'm a strong muscular, I 762 00:49:16,880 --> 00:49:20,360 have a a black man physique body. 763 00:49:20,360 --> 00:49:23,320 And what comes with that? Like as I could go them around 764 00:49:23,320 --> 00:49:27,280 or be rough with them or say whatever and do whatever it is. 765 00:49:28,560 --> 00:49:31,840 There now has to be a little bit of intentionality and 766 00:49:31,840 --> 00:49:34,920 conscientiousness to it. There has to be a conversation, 767 00:49:34,920 --> 00:49:39,760 some communication. There might have to be more of 768 00:49:39,760 --> 00:49:43,200 an alignment there to some extent, even whether short term, 769 00:49:43,200 --> 00:49:49,000 long term, whatever it is now both people involved got to 770 00:49:49,000 --> 00:49:50,440 pause. I got to pause and go, is this 771 00:49:50,440 --> 00:49:52,440 person somebody I can trust to tell this to? 772 00:49:53,520 --> 00:49:56,320 And the other person has to, you know, go, all right, well, 773 00:49:56,320 --> 00:50:00,160 what's what's my intention here? And it brings it, it, it cuts 774 00:50:00,160 --> 00:50:07,160 off a lot of unintentionality. So my heavenly pact in that 775 00:50:07,200 --> 00:50:13,920 sense is now having developed this, this pressure builder, 776 00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:17,840 because now a waste of energy from just casually hooking up 777 00:50:17,840 --> 00:50:20,000 unconsciously that's been choked off. 778 00:50:20,520 --> 00:50:23,200 So now the energy that normally would have been leaked from that 779 00:50:23,200 --> 00:50:27,520 Ave. is not able to go there. So there's like a pressure build 780 00:50:27,520 --> 00:50:34,040 up that now the energy has to go elsewhere and doing that in a 781 00:50:34,040 --> 00:50:39,920 few other places too. Like I, I think I'm done 782 00:50:39,920 --> 00:50:41,560 drinking. I know I'm done getting fucked 783 00:50:41,560 --> 00:50:44,040 up, that's for sure. But I think I'm done drinking. 784 00:50:44,040 --> 00:50:46,920 So that's like one more way where unconscious energy can 785 00:50:46,920 --> 00:50:50,800 leak because you might just be mindlessly doing shit that you 786 00:50:50,800 --> 00:50:54,080 ain't got no business doing it. Same thing with food. 787 00:50:54,080 --> 00:50:57,160 Like I've changed how, I don't know if y'all can tell, but I'm 788 00:50:57,200 --> 00:51:00,480 feeling strong and like see the muscles. 789 00:51:05,240 --> 00:51:09,960 Yeah, with how I eat. So I'm, I'm into yoga, yoga 790 00:51:09,960 --> 00:51:12,800 therapy and I've recognized that my dosha. 791 00:51:12,800 --> 00:51:16,000 So these are like, you know, there's three primary types of 792 00:51:16,000 --> 00:51:19,760 Vata, which is air and ether pizza, which is fire and water, 793 00:51:19,760 --> 00:51:22,000 and then kapha, which is earth and water. 794 00:51:22,400 --> 00:51:25,840 So I'm, I'm very Kapha dominant. There's some pizza in my 795 00:51:25,840 --> 00:51:27,840 personality. But what that means essentially 796 00:51:27,840 --> 00:51:31,760 is that I'm very strong, stable, grounded, like sturdy, 797 00:51:32,120 --> 00:51:34,280 consistent. There's a lot of the qualities 798 00:51:34,280 --> 00:51:38,160 of earth and water there. I'm I'm easy going laid back and 799 00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:42,960 I am supposed to eat like certain things and I'm not 800 00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:45,960 supposed to eat certain things. And it's just like off of the 801 00:51:45,960 --> 00:51:49,560 yogic makeup of my body. And since honoring that, like I 802 00:51:49,560 --> 00:51:54,000 was stuck at 23233 for so long, like today I slept on the sky. 803 00:51:54,000 --> 00:52:03,840 I was 220.6 almost at 219 gold and my body responds in that way 804 00:52:04,320 --> 00:52:06,080 and my body's responsive to that. 805 00:52:06,280 --> 00:52:09,840 So I went to the doctor for the first time in like 2-3 years and 806 00:52:10,080 --> 00:52:12,280 I learned that I was pretty diabetic. 807 00:52:12,280 --> 00:52:15,840 So I'm fortunately at a place where I can reverse. 808 00:52:15,840 --> 00:52:19,080 As I mentioned in 2021, I had a buck ton of sugar in a short 809 00:52:19,080 --> 00:52:23,120 period of time, changed up my sugar intake and then I was able 810 00:52:23,120 --> 00:52:26,840 to stop myself from crossing that line. 811 00:52:27,120 --> 00:52:31,600 And then lately I would have sweets here and there and like 812 00:52:31,600 --> 00:52:34,840 some sugary shit, but not being mindful of it, I'm like, oh, I 813 00:52:34,840 --> 00:52:37,360 work out. So I'm just down fucking sleeve 814 00:52:37,360 --> 00:52:40,520 of Oreos. And that, that, that ain't how 815 00:52:40,520 --> 00:52:43,400 that works. So I've had to make some 816 00:52:44,080 --> 00:52:50,120 lifestyle changes just over the last like 3 weeks honestly and 817 00:52:50,120 --> 00:52:56,440 it's been going well and taking care of myself. 818 00:52:57,320 --> 00:52:59,240 Blood pressure has always been a thing. 819 00:52:59,520 --> 00:53:04,720 I tried to fast for Ramadan, which was three days ago and two 820 00:53:04,720 --> 00:53:06,960 days before that I started. I was like yeah let me see if I 821 00:53:06,960 --> 00:53:09,840 can do this. Can I fast from all while the 822 00:53:09,840 --> 00:53:12,120 sun is up? And I started doing some 823 00:53:12,120 --> 00:53:15,600 research and learned that having pre diabetes and high blood 824 00:53:15,600 --> 00:53:18,080 pressure and on his muscle, I can't do that. 825 00:53:18,120 --> 00:53:20,600 Like I need to be drinking water throughout the day. 826 00:53:20,600 --> 00:53:24,520 So I was like disappointed. And that's what led me to begin 827 00:53:24,520 --> 00:53:29,320 a some, some, some culpa, which is like a, a essentially like a 828 00:53:29,320 --> 00:53:31,440 lifelong intention and commitment. 829 00:53:31,440 --> 00:53:35,400 So I've been listening to the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali and 830 00:53:35,680 --> 00:53:39,800 I've been doing a lot more trying to understand quantum 831 00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:43,480 physics a lot better and just looking at how on an atomic 832 00:53:43,680 --> 00:53:49,040 structural level those things form so that I can live my life 833 00:53:49,040 --> 00:53:52,160 around that. So moving forward on the 834 00:53:52,160 --> 00:53:55,040 podcast, I think that I'll talk more about that because I think 835 00:53:55,040 --> 00:54:00,520 that it's really, really helpful and looking at the whole maximum 836 00:54:00,520 --> 00:54:07,200 potential output with minimal waste for maximum efficiency and 837 00:54:07,200 --> 00:54:10,720 peaking evolution. Like I'm, I'm trimming a lot of 838 00:54:10,720 --> 00:54:15,040 the fat, not just in my life, but also for something positive, 839 00:54:15,040 --> 00:54:19,400 for positive people. One thing is wait, that's for 840 00:54:19,400 --> 00:54:21,800 the end of this. Let me bring things back to a 841 00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:25,920 conclusion. First, I caught myself what 842 00:54:25,920 --> 00:54:29,120 herpes taught me about authenticity is the core of 843 00:54:29,120 --> 00:54:32,120 this, right? So it's not just be yourself. 844 00:54:33,240 --> 00:54:37,920 It's not just be yourself, it's bring that curiosity and then 845 00:54:37,920 --> 00:54:41,040 find out the truth. Bring in the curiosity and find 846 00:54:41,040 --> 00:54:45,480 out the truth of the stories that we tell ourselves and where 847 00:54:45,480 --> 00:54:49,000 things are inconsistent. We got to, we got to adjust that 848 00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:50,800 shit. We really do. 849 00:54:50,800 --> 00:54:53,160 We have to bring our awareness and attention to the thing 850 00:54:53,160 --> 00:54:57,160 because again, where we got our diagnosis may have screenshot us 851 00:54:57,200 --> 00:55:00,640 into who we think we are or who we used to be. 852 00:55:00,640 --> 00:55:02,920 And we may feel like we can't be that person anymore because 853 00:55:02,920 --> 00:55:04,640 we're not fucking supposed to be. 854 00:55:05,400 --> 00:55:07,720 We're supposed to evolve. We're supposed to grow, we're 855 00:55:07,720 --> 00:55:14,280 supposed to expand, right? And for people who feel like 856 00:55:14,400 --> 00:55:18,560 depressed or sad or just stuck, like that's why we're not 857 00:55:18,800 --> 00:55:23,600 working towards a thing, which is our own natural evolution. 858 00:55:23,600 --> 00:55:26,760 And often times we might be doing a lot of inconsistent 859 00:55:26,760 --> 00:55:28,520 shit. Like people will say to me all 860 00:55:28,520 --> 00:55:31,000 the time, like, oh, you know, I want a relationship eventually, 861 00:55:31,480 --> 00:55:34,440 but right now I want to do, it's like, OK, you got to pick one. 862 00:55:35,080 --> 00:55:37,000 People would be like, oh, I don't want to disclose, but I 863 00:55:37,000 --> 00:55:39,960 should have disclosed. Like pick one, pick one. 864 00:55:41,400 --> 00:55:46,520 Like I, I, I hate to, you know, be that way, but it's the push 865 00:55:46,520 --> 00:55:51,240 pull of this or that that creates all of these stories and 866 00:55:51,240 --> 00:55:53,760 thoughts and ways to navigate a thing. 867 00:55:53,760 --> 00:55:57,520 Because I can't work with someone who doesn't know where 868 00:55:57,520 --> 00:56:00,880 they're working from. You know, I can see, you know, 869 00:56:00,880 --> 00:56:04,600 the we're going this way or that way by eliminating things by 870 00:56:04,600 --> 00:56:09,520 half until we get to, you know, a range of where we're going to 871 00:56:09,960 --> 00:56:11,840 either move forward or not move forward. 872 00:56:12,120 --> 00:56:13,680 But like, that's the extent of it. 873 00:56:15,240 --> 00:56:19,360 I can't, I can't do more than like if a person is unwilling to 874 00:56:19,480 --> 00:56:23,280 help themselves, I cannot participate in that and offer 875 00:56:23,280 --> 00:56:26,640 any kind of help because all I'm going to do is cause harm or 876 00:56:26,640 --> 00:56:31,920 confusion even right. So when it comes to what I've 877 00:56:31,920 --> 00:56:36,920 learned from my herpes diagnosis about authenticity is that it's 878 00:56:36,920 --> 00:56:42,080 not this duality of right wrong, it's the complementary, like you 879 00:56:42,080 --> 00:56:45,000 have to apply your awareness to it because then right and wrong 880 00:56:45,000 --> 00:56:48,040 becomes objective. What's right for you might be 881 00:56:48,040 --> 00:56:52,640 wrong to them to might be wrong for you. 882 00:56:53,160 --> 00:56:56,240 And it's ultimately about nurturing your nature. 883 00:56:56,760 --> 00:57:02,160 So identifying what your nature is and then nurturing that by 884 00:57:02,160 --> 00:57:06,720 bringing in curiosity, by bringing in a willingness to 885 00:57:06,720 --> 00:57:10,880 identify what's true for you, and then being able to establish 886 00:57:10,880 --> 00:57:15,840 a code and live from there. That is what herpes taught me 887 00:57:15,840 --> 00:57:19,840 about authenticity. So now translating all of this 888 00:57:19,920 --> 00:57:22,640 to something positive for positive people, but to expect 889 00:57:22,640 --> 00:57:25,840 moving forward, I think I mentioned some of the boundaries 890 00:57:26,600 --> 00:57:33,080 that translate from dating into this space or how they flip flop 891 00:57:33,120 --> 00:57:35,880 and leap. But what's most important is 892 00:57:35,880 --> 00:57:41,320 that we now within those 30 minute windows that we maximize 893 00:57:41,320 --> 00:57:45,680 the time that we have together by people coming in with their 894 00:57:45,680 --> 00:57:47,520 own intention. Like I'll try and make this as 895 00:57:47,520 --> 00:57:50,720 clear as possible that coming into it, I need to know if there 896 00:57:50,720 --> 00:57:54,800 was one thing that you wanted to get out of our time together, 897 00:57:55,800 --> 00:57:59,000 what would that one thing be? Right. 898 00:57:59,000 --> 00:58:02,760 So I typically ask everybody this question before we start 899 00:58:02,760 --> 00:58:05,840 our call now, like I want to make sure people have that going 900 00:58:05,840 --> 00:58:12,040 into it. The other thing is the timing. 901 00:58:12,600 --> 00:58:19,400 So if the people are late, if people miss and we just got to 902 00:58:19,400 --> 00:58:23,520 reschedule like you, you got 24 hours, we'll reschedule within 903 00:58:23,520 --> 00:58:25,720 the 24 hour block. I've been having a lot of people 904 00:58:25,720 --> 00:58:31,840 lately who just don't show up or will be like, oh, I'm sorry, I 905 00:58:31,880 --> 00:58:33,600 thought this was a different time. 906 00:58:33,600 --> 00:58:38,160 So how we, I sent out a calendar invite, calendar invite. 907 00:58:38,160 --> 00:58:43,160 How did you miss this? And so that that's leaking 908 00:58:43,160 --> 00:58:45,880 energy for me. It's, it's taking away from the 909 00:58:45,880 --> 00:58:48,880 evolution of not just something positive for positive people, 910 00:58:48,880 --> 00:58:51,280 but also myself, like I, I really take this seriously. 911 00:58:51,280 --> 00:58:55,560 This is important to me and it's important that I treat it like 912 00:58:55,560 --> 00:58:59,320 it's important to me. So 30 minute calls in the event 913 00:58:59,320 --> 00:59:02,600 that you miss or if you're late, we just got to reschedule. 914 00:59:02,600 --> 00:59:05,200 You got you got 24 hours to think about what you did. 915 00:59:07,720 --> 00:59:10,160 So yeah. And if you show up 510 minutes 916 00:59:10,160 --> 00:59:12,760 late, we we booked that 30 minutes. 917 00:59:12,760 --> 00:59:15,240 It's that 30 minute time is what you've reserved. 918 00:59:15,560 --> 00:59:19,040 Now stuff comes up. If a thing happens, let me know. 919 00:59:19,080 --> 00:59:23,000 And again, we just reschedule within 2020 outside of the 24 920 00:59:23,000 --> 00:59:25,360 hour window, right. So these are things I can say 921 00:59:25,360 --> 00:59:28,600 out loud because it's important for me to like. 922 00:59:28,920 --> 00:59:32,720 I think I need to speak these two existence to live by them 923 00:59:32,720 --> 00:59:35,200 because I I don't like I mentioned, I've been on I was on 924 00:59:35,200 --> 00:59:37,960 phone 90, 3 minutes with somebody for a 30 minute phone 925 00:59:37,960 --> 00:59:40,920 call, right? We got to come here. 926 00:59:40,920 --> 00:59:46,360 If you come here I am, you have to be a person who is ready to 927 00:59:46,360 --> 00:59:50,160 do something for yourself. If you come to vent, I'll listen 928 00:59:50,160 --> 00:59:53,960 to you, but I am going to present you with next steps and 929 00:59:53,960 --> 00:59:55,960 solutions. I'm not going to be somebody 930 00:59:55,960 --> 00:59:59,880 that will enable you to just not do anything. 931 01:00:00,320 --> 01:00:02,000 Because that's not my role, that's not my place. 932 01:00:02,000 --> 01:00:03,800 There are plenty of places on the Internet for that. 933 01:00:03,800 --> 01:00:05,760 I'm sure there are plenty of people out there that would take 934 01:00:05,760 --> 01:00:07,880 your money to listen to you. I'm not. 935 01:00:08,560 --> 01:00:12,360 I'm here for a reason. I'm here to support you into the 936 01:00:12,360 --> 01:00:15,200 next stage or whatever it looks like for you to minimize stigma 937 01:00:15,200 --> 01:00:17,800 within yourself. That's what I'm here for. 938 01:00:17,800 --> 01:00:22,120 All right, so after a support call, if you feel like you still 939 01:00:22,120 --> 01:00:25,560 need more, you can work with me as a yoga therapy client or you 940 01:00:25,560 --> 01:00:27,520 can participate in the support group. 941 01:00:28,160 --> 01:00:30,480 That's the transition of the next steps. 942 01:00:31,360 --> 01:00:35,480 And then the other thing, as far as the support groups go, I am 943 01:00:35,480 --> 01:00:41,200 having difficulty with men showing up consistently to the 944 01:00:41,200 --> 01:00:44,120 support group. So the process is the process 945 01:00:44,120 --> 01:00:47,320 for a reason. You make the donation to 946 01:00:47,320 --> 01:00:49,760 whichever support group you want to participate in. 947 01:00:50,360 --> 01:00:54,280 The next upcoming support group is what you will get a calendar 948 01:00:54,280 --> 01:00:56,840 invite for. That calendar invite, if this is 949 01:00:56,840 --> 01:00:59,760 your first time, might go to your spam folder. 950 01:01:00,000 --> 01:01:03,960 So when you donate whatever e-mail you use to make the 951 01:01:03,960 --> 01:01:06,760 donation, that is where the calendar invite will go. 952 01:01:07,000 --> 01:01:11,280 It will go to you within 20, usually within 24 hours, but 953 01:01:11,560 --> 01:01:15,440 let's say 72 hours because of the weekends. 954 01:01:15,440 --> 01:01:18,000 I'm not, I'm not doing weekend things anymore. 955 01:01:19,400 --> 01:01:22,200 And if you know, you reach out outside that window, you'll hear 956 01:01:22,200 --> 01:01:27,040 from me between Monday at 1:00 PM and Friday at 1:00 PM All 957 01:01:27,520 --> 01:01:31,720 right, So after 1:00 PM on Friday, Courtney's out of the 958 01:01:31,720 --> 01:01:34,680 office until up until 1:00 PM on Monday. 959 01:01:34,680 --> 01:01:37,280 All right, That's I got to do this. 960 01:01:37,360 --> 01:01:39,120 I got to do this and I got to stick to it. 961 01:01:41,120 --> 01:01:46,960 So for the men's group, I think this is I'm going to give it a 962 01:01:46,960 --> 01:01:48,320 little bit of time. So I'm going to give it the 963 01:01:48,320 --> 01:01:51,840 month of March. And if by the end of March, like 964 01:01:51,840 --> 01:01:58,680 I'm seeing, you know, 1-2 people here there, I might just have to 965 01:01:58,680 --> 01:02:04,640 keep it at support calls because it's not, it's a waste. 966 01:02:05,040 --> 01:02:07,920 It's a waste. Like I'm making myself available 967 01:02:07,920 --> 01:02:11,840 and accessible the second and 4th Monday of every month. 968 01:02:11,880 --> 01:02:14,480 And you know, there's 20 plus women. 969 01:02:14,520 --> 01:02:17,560 Well, last time there was like 14, I want to say, but there's 970 01:02:17,720 --> 01:02:21,360 consistently been about 20 women who come to their support 971 01:02:21,360 --> 01:02:23,400 groups. And it makes more sense for me 972 01:02:23,400 --> 01:02:28,720 to give them what it is that they need more of because if 973 01:02:28,720 --> 01:02:32,120 there's so many of them, I might as well use those second for 974 01:02:32,120 --> 01:02:36,600 Mondays to just have smaller groups or to be able to make 975 01:02:36,600 --> 01:02:39,000 more space for the people who do want to participate. 976 01:02:39,280 --> 01:02:42,560 So I'm not, I'm unable to see exactly what it is. 977 01:02:42,560 --> 01:02:44,760 It is the issue with the men's group. 978 01:02:44,840 --> 01:02:47,680 I don't, I don't know. I don't know what the issue is 979 01:02:48,320 --> 01:02:50,760 with the consistency. Maybe it's just that the men are 980 01:02:50,760 --> 01:02:52,560 coming. They're, you know, saying what 981 01:02:52,560 --> 01:02:55,280 they got to say, they take the advice, they go implement it, 982 01:02:55,280 --> 01:02:58,440 and then that's it or it's something else. 983 01:02:58,440 --> 01:03:03,000 So I started those support groups separately in October. 984 01:03:03,600 --> 01:03:06,840 We'll we'll see what happens over the course of the month of 985 01:03:06,840 --> 01:03:09,120 March. But as of right now, we got I 986 01:03:09,120 --> 01:03:10,960 think four people that are signed up. 987 01:03:11,000 --> 01:03:15,880 But yeah, if if there's no consistency at this point, after 988 01:03:16,160 --> 01:03:18,520 October, November, December, January, February, March, after 989 01:03:18,520 --> 01:03:21,440 six months, then we got to we got to cut it. 990 01:03:23,160 --> 01:03:25,320 And yeah, the support calls are still available. 991 01:03:25,320 --> 01:03:28,360 Yoga therapy is still an option. I'll be done with that this 992 01:03:28,360 --> 01:03:34,000 year. But podcast wise, I'm only doing 993 01:03:34,000 --> 01:03:37,680 solo episodes now for however long. 994 01:03:38,560 --> 01:03:40,760 I don't know what'll happen. Maybe somebody will pop up and 995 01:03:40,760 --> 01:03:42,720 be like, yeah, Courtney, let me have, I want to be on your 996 01:03:42,720 --> 01:03:45,880 podcast. But to make this efficient, 997 01:03:48,640 --> 01:03:54,000 because especially social media has not been friendly to me, 998 01:03:55,200 --> 01:03:58,760 that avenue of getting information out about the 999 01:03:58,760 --> 01:04:04,840 organization, about what we got going on, it's useless at this 1000 01:04:04,840 --> 01:04:07,120 point. It's useless unless I'm willing 1001 01:04:07,120 --> 01:04:09,760 to do some shit that I'm not willing to do, which I'm not. 1002 01:04:10,040 --> 01:04:12,640 So you'll see, like there are pin posts. 1003 01:04:13,480 --> 01:04:19,440 I may go on there to share a thing to post that's relevant to 1004 01:04:19,440 --> 01:04:22,120 something that's going on. Maybe if we have an event, I'll 1005 01:04:22,120 --> 01:04:27,720 buy some ads, but that's like the only usefulness of that in 1006 01:04:27,720 --> 01:04:32,240 person events. So Speaking of not wasting 1007 01:04:32,240 --> 01:04:36,960 energy, the in person events, I have something March 21st in New 1008 01:04:36,960 --> 01:04:39,560 York. This is an in person support 1009 01:04:39,560 --> 01:04:42,000 group. We'll start at 11 AM with a 1010 01:04:42,000 --> 01:04:45,240 support group. We'll have like a 2 hour break 1011 01:04:45,240 --> 01:04:49,120 where we're going to do some live demos of practicing, 1012 01:04:49,120 --> 01:04:52,880 disclosing, discussing herpes with a partner that will be 1013 01:04:52,880 --> 01:04:54,120 recorded. So if people want to 1014 01:04:54,120 --> 01:04:57,160 participate, let me know. But as of right now, I'm 1015 01:04:57,160 --> 01:04:59,960 probably going to be the person that's like doing this with 1016 01:04:59,960 --> 01:05:03,720 somebody who happens to be there and it is OK with being on 1017 01:05:03,720 --> 01:05:05,680 camera and navigating this conversation. 1018 01:05:06,320 --> 01:05:09,520 After that we have a documentary knowing of the No Shame in This 1019 01:05:09,520 --> 01:05:13,760 Game film from I think we finished recording in 2022, I 1020 01:05:13,760 --> 01:05:17,120 want to say, but a lot of people haven't seen it because it's not 1021 01:05:17,480 --> 01:05:20,120 it's not widely available. So we're paying her to come in 1022 01:05:20,120 --> 01:05:21,520 and do the documentary screening. 1023 01:05:21,520 --> 01:05:22,960 There's a couple of us who are in it. 1024 01:05:22,960 --> 01:05:24,880 There's going to be a little panel after the showing. 1025 01:05:25,200 --> 01:05:27,800 And then we've got a one woman show from Lauren. 1026 01:05:28,320 --> 01:05:34,400 It's called Deal Breaker and she essentially has creatively given 1027 01:05:34,400 --> 01:05:36,920 her experience of what it's like to live with her piece. 1028 01:05:37,880 --> 01:05:41,640 And then I'll host the 2:00-ish hour workshop giving people 1029 01:05:41,640 --> 01:05:45,600 private practice discussing sexual health and their herpes 1030 01:05:45,600 --> 01:05:48,440 status with a potential partner. It's going to be a role play 1031 01:05:48,440 --> 01:05:51,960 where people can act. So if you are somebody who 1032 01:05:51,960 --> 01:05:54,640 enjoys that and you happen to be in New York March 21st, which is 1033 01:05:54,640 --> 01:05:57,720 a Saturday, let me know. The event is all day from 11:00 1034 01:05:57,720 --> 01:06:01,000 AM to 7:00 PM right now. We got a handful of people 1035 01:06:01,000 --> 01:06:02,920 coming. I think there might be 10 people 1036 01:06:02,920 --> 01:06:07,520 so far. The event space can probably 1037 01:06:07,800 --> 01:06:11,320 hold about 80, so we'll see what can happen here. 1038 01:06:11,720 --> 01:06:14,160 I'm putting this together by myself. 1039 01:06:14,160 --> 01:06:15,960 I'm not working with anybody on it. 1040 01:06:16,120 --> 01:06:21,080 I put the ad out I'm using the website there's been people I've 1041 01:06:21,080 --> 01:06:23,640 never seen or heard of before who were registered for the 1042 01:06:23,640 --> 01:06:26,120 event. So I'm hyped to see that this is 1043 01:06:26,320 --> 01:06:31,240 you know what's happening there are it's donation based so 1044 01:06:31,240 --> 01:06:33,360 there's options. I just want to cover the cost of 1045 01:06:33,360 --> 01:06:35,680 the event space to be completely honest. 1046 01:06:35,680 --> 01:06:39,920 So there's options on the website of how you can donate, 1047 01:06:39,920 --> 01:06:45,880 how much you can donate, but go to spfpp.org/expo and then 1048 01:06:45,880 --> 01:06:48,200 you'll see that there. So if this is something that 1049 01:06:48,200 --> 01:06:51,080 gets a reasonable turn out, this might be something that we can 1050 01:06:51,080 --> 01:06:54,240 repeat on a consistent basis. I ain't going to say like a 1051 01:06:54,960 --> 01:06:57,640 monthly or anything, but I know that people are very much 1052 01:06:57,640 --> 01:07:01,920 craving more in person stuff. There's a lot of people who have 1053 01:07:01,920 --> 01:07:06,000 been expressing interest who are in New York, New Jersey. 1054 01:07:06,240 --> 01:07:09,960 So hopefully people show up because I think that's going to 1055 01:07:09,960 --> 01:07:11,160 be fun. I think it's going to be a real 1056 01:07:11,160 --> 01:07:16,240 fun event if people are willing to show up to it. 1057 01:07:17,200 --> 01:07:22,920 But yeah, I think that the expression of boundaries is 1058 01:07:22,920 --> 01:07:27,640 important to maintaining authenticity because the the 1059 01:07:27,640 --> 01:07:33,040 ultimate goal is peak evolution, maximum efficiency and minimal 1060 01:07:33,080 --> 01:07:36,040 waste, right? Minimal waste, minimal effort. 1061 01:07:36,040 --> 01:07:39,720 And that's, that's how I'm choosing to live life moving 1062 01:07:39,720 --> 01:07:43,200 forward. And you know, it might not be as 1063 01:07:43,720 --> 01:07:48,600 broad of a spectrum to get people to come into this space 1064 01:07:48,600 --> 01:07:52,600 or Myspace even, but I think that this will shape the quality 1065 01:07:52,640 --> 01:07:56,880 of the people that come into the space that I interact with and 1066 01:07:56,880 --> 01:08:00,480 engage with more than anything else just by exerting, 1067 01:08:00,680 --> 01:08:04,000 exercising these boundaries and being able to honor those and 1068 01:08:04,000 --> 01:08:08,280 hold true to them. So yeah, thank you all for being 1069 01:08:08,280 --> 01:08:10,400 part of this evolution over the years. 1070 01:08:10,560 --> 01:08:13,400 I'm really looking forward to how things are developing. 1071 01:08:13,400 --> 01:08:15,600 My chest just twitched. It was chest day. 1072 01:08:15,640 --> 01:08:18,160 That's why I thought my heart was beating fast again because I 1073 01:08:18,160 --> 01:08:22,560 was scared of something. But yeah, I would like to know 1074 01:08:22,800 --> 01:08:25,359 what you think of this episode. Like, are people listening to 1075 01:08:25,359 --> 01:08:27,040 this shit like what was happening? 1076 01:08:28,479 --> 01:08:31,800 Because yeah. And I, I think that continuing 1077 01:08:31,800 --> 01:08:37,240 to do the podcast gives me an incentive to keep the website 1078 01:08:37,359 --> 01:08:39,640 relevant. And that's more valuable than 1079 01:08:39,680 --> 01:08:42,760 Instagram and TikTok are or have been. 1080 01:08:43,080 --> 01:08:48,080 Like I can't tell you how many people have reached out to me 1081 01:08:48,080 --> 01:08:51,840 because of something that they saw on Instagram and decided to 1082 01:08:52,120 --> 01:08:55,160 get involved with the organization beyond the capacity 1083 01:08:55,160 --> 01:08:58,279 of just reading something and moving on about their business. 1084 01:08:58,920 --> 01:09:01,399 The survey people aren't taking the survey. 1085 01:09:01,399 --> 01:09:03,800 So that's starting to feel like a waste of time as well. 1086 01:09:04,200 --> 01:09:06,840 I mean, I, I ain't bitching. I, I do not want this to come 1087 01:09:06,840 --> 01:09:10,120 off as me bitching. This is me trimming the fat, 1088 01:09:10,399 --> 01:09:13,240 cleaning up something positive for positive people so that this 1089 01:09:13,240 --> 01:09:17,920 can be a much more smoothly run, more efficient organization and 1090 01:09:17,920 --> 01:09:20,840 resource for people to be able to come get what they need and 1091 01:09:20,840 --> 01:09:25,680 then going about their business. All right, so that concludes 1092 01:09:25,720 --> 01:09:28,399 this episode of Something Positive for Positive People. 1093 01:09:29,560 --> 01:09:33,600 I would like feedback if you have any because I didn't know 1094 01:09:33,600 --> 01:09:35,760 what y'all need. I mean, unless this is good, but 1095 01:09:35,760 --> 01:09:40,640 I'm envisioning more just recaps from things like support calls 1096 01:09:40,640 --> 01:09:44,240 anonymously of course, and takeaways from the support 1097 01:09:44,240 --> 01:09:47,680 groups just so that we have like a consistent flow of content 1098 01:09:47,680 --> 01:09:49,520 without things getting repetitive really. 1099 01:09:49,800 --> 01:09:53,279 So let me know what y'all think about that and if you know, 1100 01:09:53,279 --> 01:09:58,440 maybe you have a topic in mind that you want me to talk about, 1101 01:09:58,880 --> 01:10:00,560 reach out, let me know. Send that to me. 1102 01:10:00,560 --> 01:10:06,080 I'm happy to explore that. All right, till next time, stay 1103 01:10:06,480 --> 01:10:07,160 present.