1 00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:04,960 Welcome to something positive for positive people. 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:07,440 I'm Courtney Brain. Something positive for positive 3 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:11,640 people is A5O1C3 nonprofit organization supporting people 4 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:14,840 navigating herpes stigma do so in a variety of ways from 5 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:19,600 support groups to support calls to utilizing yoga therapy to 6 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:23,240 assist people through what their feelings are around stigma. 7 00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:26,560 I'm a yoga therapist in training at the time of this recording, 8 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:30,640 which is December 7th, 2025. Gotta make that disclaimer. 9 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:33,640 But I'll be done in 2026 like oh bless. 10 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:35,640 And then I'll be yoga therapist, right? 11 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:41,160 For those who don't know, if you are in the New York City area or 12 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:44,400 able to make it out, December 12th, which is a Friday, we have 13 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:49,080 a karaoke party from 5:00 PM to 9:00 PM that you can register 14 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:53,040 for it SP fpp.org. This is going to be a 15 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:55,840 celebration of. I thought it was going to be the 16 00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:59,040 celebration of the 400th podcast episode, which is how it's 17 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:01,640 marketed. But I decided over the last 18 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:05,080 couple of weeks that this will be the last podcast episode, 19 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:09,560 Episode 400, there's the podcast itself isn't going anywhere. 20 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:13,120 So if you're new here, those episodes carry a lot of value. 21 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,400 And if you want, you can listen to those. 22 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:19,440 But I think that it's been more efficient lately to do more 23 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:22,280 community engagement, trying to get people to join the support 24 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:26,000 groups, do more stuff with the website, and trying to put 25 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:30,120 together things where people get the practice of exercising what 26 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:31,960 it is that they learn from the podcast. 27 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:36,000 So the podcast can serve as a library of just having your 28 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,520 perspective expanded to where you get to a place and maybe you 29 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,560 want to integrate some of the stuff that you've learned and 30 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:45,520 put it into practice by engaging with other people who are more 31 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:48,320 so looking to learn from stigma and move forward. 32 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:52,360 All right, so today we have a guest. 33 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:55,480 This is my last, my last guest at least reason. 34 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:58,240 I don't want to say that, you know, this is the end of the 35 00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:01,600 podcast. It's just I the 5:00-ish hours 36 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:05,200 that go into this per week. Freeing that up does allow for 37 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,120 me to do more of what's working. I've been having a lot of 38 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:10,600 support calls lately where people are like, yeah, I just 39 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:15,600 found you on the on Google or on ChatGPT and I didn't even know 40 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:19,120 you had a podcast. I'm like, oh, OK, maybe now's 41 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:22,480 the time to transition and do more of the things that are 42 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:27,640 bringing people in and bringing people together than just trying 43 00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:29,360 to end. Finding guests has been a 44 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:33,000 challenge lately, so I'm glad I was able to get you on here. 45 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:35,520 And my last two guests, these are people that came after me 46 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:38,440 like crying and pleading, like, hey, I need guests. 47 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:39,920 I'm running out of shit to talk about. 48 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:44,640 So thank you for being here, Mr. Having Me. 49 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:47,040 Thank you. Let's start with letting you 50 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:50,200 introduce yourself and then you can share a little bit about how 51 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:52,200 you and I connected and we'll go from there. 52 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:56,800 Sure my name is Leah. I'm in the Midwest Chicago 53 00:02:56,880 --> 00:03:00,560 actually. And I'm really grateful to you, 54 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:05,280 Courtney, for having me here to share my my experience with my 55 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:09,000 recent diagnosis of genital herpes HSV 2. 56 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:13,720 So I was diagnosed in September, about mid-september. 57 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:17,640 And like, I think anyone who gets diagnosed with something 58 00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:20,240 that they don't necessarily know a lot about, you hop on Google 59 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:22,400 and you were the first thing that came up. 60 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:27,400 And I'm always a researcher. So I looked into your website. 61 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:32,240 I scheduled a support call. And since then I've been a part 62 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:35,560 of your women's support group and we're doing some yoga 63 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:39,000 therapy together, so. Yeah, yeah. 64 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:43,720 So I, I, while I want to like talk about all of the fun stuff 65 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:46,800 of the support groups in the yoga therapy, I want to jump 66 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,520 right into what happened because you are not connected. 67 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:53,280 I'll let you Share your story and then I'll speak a little bit 68 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:55,920 to like what my observations were. 69 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:58,800 And then I mean, maybe at some point we can talk about like 70 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:01,120 what you're getting out of yoga therapy and support groups. 71 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:04,040 But let's let's go ahead and get into your story because I think 72 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:09,760 a lot of people will be able to resonate with this particular 73 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,320 thing. And then we can kind of use this 74 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:15,400 as a little bit of an out loud teaching tool for people who 75 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,959 might be going through this experience to get through the 76 00:04:17,959 --> 00:04:23,320 bullshit where you might have been headed emotionally had you 77 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:27,680 not allowed yourself to connect with me and for us to talk 78 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:29,400 through that. Yeah, definitely. 79 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:35,200 So I have always been monogamous in terms of sex and 80 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:40,280 relationships and this past I would say August. 81 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,400 It had been a while since I had dated anyone. 82 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,880 I thought it was time to dip my toe back in the water. 83 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,600 I met someone. Can I ask you something? 84 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:49,920 Yes. Are you reading something? 85 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:51,760 No. Oh, all right. 86 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,480 I saw you looking down. I thought you were like reading 87 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:55,440 from notes. I was like, wait a minute. 88 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:56,120 Did you? I'll. 89 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:58,240 Take my glasses off. I just want to be able to see 90 00:04:58,240 --> 00:04:59,800 you so you're not blurry, but that's OK I'll tell. 91 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:00,280 You all right? All right? 92 00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:01,680 No, no, no, you're fine. You're fine. 93 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:04,200 I just was curious because I was like, wait a minute. 94 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:04,880 Did you? No. 95 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:08,760 No, no, I would never do. I was journaling before you came 96 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:10,000 on. So that's I still have my 97 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:14,320 journal open anyway, so met somebody in August, went out on 98 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:18,200 a couple dates. On the third date, you know, 99 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,760 there was a lot of chemistry, a lot of physical attraction. 100 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:27,720 So it became a a sex situation and should have had a 101 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:31,080 conversation before we had our clothes off but didn't. 102 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:37,000 But I asked him if he had protection and he said I'm super 103 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:40,960 duper clean, which now I know is pretty much a red flag. 104 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:45,760 Super duper, duper. Not even just clean, super duper 105 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:49,920 clean. And I at that point, you know, 106 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,120 felt like, well, we're already here, we're already in bed, 107 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,400 we're already naked, might as well just, you know, whatever. 108 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:59,560 And, and that ended up being a pretty big mistake for me 109 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:03,560 because I was I was with him that that time I was with him a 110 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,680 second time a week later. And then the day after that 111 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:12,040 second time that we had been together, I started feeling like 112 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:17,040 I had a UTI. And so it got progressively 113 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:20,000 worse and worse. And so two days later I went to 114 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:25,480 an emergency care and I asked for an STISTI testing. 115 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:31,200 And it's interesting because they just did like a urine 116 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:34,280 sample or whatever. And I, they said, well, you just 117 00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:36,400 have a UTI. And I knew, I knew it was 118 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,400 something more than a UTI and, and I had never had an STI 119 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:43,800 before. So I was really scared and I 120 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,040 said no, Did you test for everything? 121 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:47,520 Everything, everything, everything. 122 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:50,680 And they said, well, no. And I said, well, that's what I 123 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,360 asked for. So I had to advocate that ended 124 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,040 up getting me tested for everything. 125 00:06:55,400 --> 00:07:01,440 And then the next day I got my, I got my results and called one 126 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,040 of my best friends and shared with her. 127 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:06,680 And the long and the long and short of it is, is this is 128 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:14,480 somebody who had herpes. He knew he had it and I was, 129 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:18,000 there's this page. And I don't, I don't like these 130 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,080 things. But are we dating the same guy? 131 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:21,680 Are we dating the same? Whatever. 132 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:26,680 And I, I just don't, well, I didn't at the time like that 133 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,640 type of thing because I feel like everybody deserves a chance 134 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:31,400 at who they are. And just because you didn't jive 135 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,320 with one person doesn't mean you're not going to get along 136 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:37,480 with another. Anyway so my after I told my 137 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:42,120 friend she told me that this guy had been posted and that 138 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:45,440 somebody had shared that he had given her. 139 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:48,840 She couldn't say herpes online because her post would have been 140 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:52,560 taken down. But she said if anybody you know 141 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:56,200 has had any bad experience with him health wise to please reach 142 00:07:56,200 --> 00:08:00,080 out to her. So I DM Ed her and we ended up 143 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:08,040 talking and she got it from him three years ago and I don't even 144 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,400 know how many other women he's been with but it was pretty much 145 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:14,560 the same story that happened to her that happened to me. 146 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:20,080 I'm so sorry I'll go get tested. I had no idea it couldn't be me 147 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:23,040 and I don't have multiple partners at once. 148 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:28,680 And it had been probably a good six months since I'd had sex 149 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:31,640 with anybody. So I knew it was him because I 150 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:37,159 get tested after each partner. So anyway, that led to a lot of 151 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:41,360 anger on my part. And I remember I was sitting in 152 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:44,800 my backyard on my patio and when we had our support call and it 153 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,000 was like my finger was in a light socket. 154 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:49,720 I was so and this and that and this and that. 155 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:53,840 And he did this and I was like, I was all very much worked up 156 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:58,120 and very much in a, in an angry, angry, resentful, bitter space. 157 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:02,400 But after that call with you, you said, I remember you said 158 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:06,320 something that I think pretty much changed or started the 159 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:09,760 change in my mindset. And that was I said, I pride 160 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,280 myself on being a non judgmental person. 161 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:14,800 And so I was trying to give him a chance. 162 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,840 And you said, well, why is judgment such a bad thing? 163 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:22,040 And I had never because I think judgment when you say you're 164 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,080 judging someone, it has a negative connotation. 165 00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:28,080 But what you said was judgment is a, is a means and a way to 166 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:30,720 protect yourself. And I'd never thought of it that 167 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:36,080 way. So it's sort of that call set me 168 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:42,680 on this journey of really thinking about where I am right 169 00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:46,160 now and, and what I am open to learning about. 170 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:49,840 And I am in a much different space right now. 171 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:54,440 I'm actually, I think having a herpes diagnosis has been one of 172 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:59,160 the greatest lessons of my life. And I also think that I always 173 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:02,160 believe that the universe brings you things that you need to 174 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:05,040 learn and there's a lesson and a reason for everything. 175 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:08,840 And you may not understand it at the time, but eventually that'll 176 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,120 be revealed. And as I've gone through this 177 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:17,560 journey for the past 2 1/2 months, it's being revealed to 178 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:21,240 me that really what, what my work is that I need to do is I 179 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,600 need to work on myself. I need to work on my 180 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:27,680 communication. I need to, I need to be able to 181 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:32,720 ask for what I want and say, you know what, not really 182 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,400 interested. And that's OK. 183 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,800 So that's the work that I'm kind of doing right now. 184 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:41,000 So it's, it's been a blessing. It really has, which I never 185 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:44,560 thought 1000 years I'd say, but it it really has so. 186 00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:48,320 That's such a common phrase among the support groups and 187 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:51,560 resources that are out there for people with herpes is that this 188 00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:55,120 has been a blessing. And people are so resistant to 189 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:58,240 hearing that. If you see that too soon because 190 00:10:58,240 --> 00:10:59,880 you're like, how can this be a blessing? 191 00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:04,160 My sex life is over. And we look at it, when we look 192 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:07,960 at it exclusively from a sexual perspective, yes, that is the 193 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,560 case. Because now it's like the 194 00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:14,040 perception that you had about herpes and people who have it 195 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,920 prior to your diabetes is now on you. 196 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,200 And that's, that's it. That's who you are. 197 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,800 You're that person now. And we don't give ourselves the 198 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:27,120 opportunity to have it reflected back to us in any other format, 199 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:32,200 any other way, because we also don't want to, sorry. 200 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:37,120 We also don't want to give people that power over us. 201 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:41,560 We don't want to tell people. So to find somebody that you can 202 00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:45,280 just express yourself with. I speak to identity validation, 203 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,760 right? The judgment, the, your 204 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:51,360 perception of judgment being such a bad thing. 205 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:55,720 I think looking at that as a reflection point of identity, 206 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,560 right? Who you are is you're someone 207 00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:02,560 who in that moment was trying not to be who you are or who you 208 00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:05,280 needed to be, right? If you're resisting being a 209 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:08,680 judgmental person, let's lean into that resistance. 210 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,280 It's there for some kind of a reason. 211 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:14,160 And the reason is typically what you assign meaning to for sure, 212 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,640 if you are willing to investigate it. 213 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:23,920 And so yeah, like I'm glad that that was a statement that was 214 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:28,640 able to help you get through that or go on the road that you 215 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:31,600 went down. Because when we talked, there 216 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:34,920 was a lot of high energy and, and yoga. 217 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:38,320 We we talked about the gunas. And these are the three states 218 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:41,840 of being things have tamas state, which is like in 219 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:45,800 stillness, rajas in motion and Satva, which is like balance. 220 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:50,080 And you were very rajas, lots of fire, lots of heat and lots of 221 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,080 just you were ready to take action. 222 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:57,520 And another observation was OK, you, this person did this to you 223 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:00,080 and you wanted, you wanted something. 224 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,760 And I think one of the things I might have asked you is what do 225 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:05,600 you get out of this? What, what is it that you're 226 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,120 going to get out of this? What do you want? 227 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:11,720 What outcome do you want by protecting or saving other women 228 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:14,800 from this when if he's been doing this for at least three 229 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:18,120 years, what makes you think you going to be the one to to stop 230 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,720 him from doing anything? And that was really a way for me 231 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:25,480 to bring you into a more grounded state of taking that 232 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:29,400 energy that you're putting out there into him and allow for 233 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,760 yourself to settle in to see what you can do with that for 234 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,680 yourself. And then after you're more 235 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:37,600 grounded, maybe later you decide, oh, this is the aligned 236 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:42,920 action that I need to take for myself or for the greater good, 237 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,600 or this is what the moment calls for, right? 238 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:50,640 So it is is long term looking at it from that perspective. 239 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:53,760 I know we haven't talked about it or him in a while. 240 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:57,840 It's been mostly on you. And I'm curious to know with 241 00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:02,200 that, has your perspective changed on between like I need 242 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,400 to do something about this and now? 243 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:10,160 If So, what is it? That's a tricky question. 244 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:14,280 I I'm in such a space right now. I actually feel really sorry for 245 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:19,320 him, to be honest. And that's I, I have a lot of 246 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:25,120 like sadness for him that he doesn't feel like he can have a 247 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:29,680 conversation or a discussion that he feels like he has to. 248 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:31,360 I see what you did there. You. 249 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:33,800 See what I did? Not the bad deal. 250 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:39,160 I, I feel really sorry for him because it must be a really 251 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:41,720 empty, lonely existence to have to be that way. 252 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,160 So what do I want to do right now? 253 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:49,080 I, I cannot save everyone. I the CDC, I learned from my 254 00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:52,360 gynecologist doesn't even care about tracking herpes, which is 255 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:57,800 crazy to me. But I think what do I want to do 256 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:00,440 now is I want to I just, it's about me. 257 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,840 Sorry I'm being selfish. I don't, I, I mean, that's just 258 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:10,600 the space that I'm in right now is I, I want to take this and do 259 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:15,760 what I need to do for me and eventually, hopefully be able to 260 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:20,960 provide support to other people who have gone through a similar 261 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:25,440 experience. Because in many ways, my, I 262 00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:28,560 didn't, my, my choice was taken away, right? 263 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,600 I didn't, I didn't consent to this. 264 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,920 And who knows, like if he had just been honest with me, we 265 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:37,600 could have had a conversation and you know, I, I might have 266 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,000 still had sex with him. I don't know. 267 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:40,960 But he, he took that away from me. 268 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,040 And I think that's probably what makes me the most angry. 269 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:48,120 So yeah, I think, I think I'm in a space of, of pouring it into 270 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:51,160 myself right now. But eventually I want to, I want 271 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,760 to pour it into other places and, and be a good listening ear 272 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,240 for someone because I know that that's what really helps me is 273 00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,400 just for, for people to listen. So. 274 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:05,400 And you spoke to choice. Choice is such a powerful word 275 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:08,920 there because someone did this to him, I'm sure. 276 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:14,360 And you know, some of us, when we are unwilling to look at 277 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,720 this, that's all we know. That's all we do. 278 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:20,600 And it's a matter of, well, this was done to me, so I need to do 279 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,040 this to other people or this is the way to go. 280 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,000 And that's the kind of person who just doesn't have options. 281 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:30,520 A lot of suffering is caused by ignorance and ignorance and a 282 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,000 sense of just not knowing, knowing any different, not 283 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:37,000 knowing any better, but also an unwillingness to learn better 284 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:41,760 and do better because you, you know to a certain extent when or 285 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:47,680 if or how you're causing harm. So to just blatantly go out and 286 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:51,800 do the things to people in a pattern, right at that point, 287 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:56,040 that's just who you are until you're willing to go into that 288 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:59,600 and engage and then like, get out of that. 289 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,520 And, you know, I'm sorry that this was your experience. 290 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:06,760 And I'd like to look at things that happened to us as 291 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:11,200 opportunities for something more healing to happen through US. 292 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:16,040 Like we're thrown in this world and we we get shit sticking to 293 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:18,280 us. And then when we recognize, huh, 294 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:21,359 then there's this shit on me. Oh, there's all this shit on me. 295 00:17:21,359 --> 00:17:24,599 Like we begin to remove what we can remove. 296 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:28,359 And we get help from the world around us, people, communities, 297 00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:31,880 places, events that help us reach the areas that we we 298 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:35,800 can't, our blind spots. And in doing so, we create this 299 00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:40,680 more clear picture of who we've become in reference to that. 300 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:44,520 And as we remove the shit, some of it has shaped who we are and 301 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:48,040 we're able to allow ourselves to go out into the world and let 302 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:52,800 the world reflect back to us what this new and evolved 303 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:55,960 version of ourselves is. Without that gunk of shit that 304 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:59,200 we've accumulated. This experience being some of 305 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:01,680 that gunk that maybe has calcified. 306 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:06,440 And now your willingness to look at it, being taken to action of 307 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:09,080 reaching out for a support call, being willing to go into yoga 308 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:11,560 therapy, showing up to the support groups, right? 309 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:15,080 These are ways where you're able to help get some of that stuff 310 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:18,120 off of you that you might not be able to reach yourself. 311 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,560 Yeah. And I, yeah, that's very well 312 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,360 said, actually very beautifully said. 313 00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:26,000 And I think the last time we met, something, another thing, 314 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:29,400 many things that you've said have stuck with me, but this 315 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,600 stuck out from the last time that that we met. 316 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:35,400 And that was that my outer world is a reflection of my inner 317 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,960 world. And that's something that I've 318 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,360 always struggled with, like what's inside of me and who I am 319 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:45,800 inside of me and how that's being reflected in the world 320 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:48,960 around me. So if I have certain thoughts 321 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,280 and ideas about myself that perhaps are not the most 322 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,920 positive things about me, then that's kind of what is going to 323 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:57,360 be reflected back to me. And that if I'm understanding it 324 00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:59,160 correctly, hopefully I'm understanding it correctly, but 325 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:03,880 that's, that's, that was really powerful me powerful for me to, 326 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:07,320 to stop and think about that because I think we all have 327 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:11,760 negative chatter that we hear sometimes and mine can be a 328 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:15,640 little louder than normal. But this, this diagnosis has 329 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:20,840 really helped me kind of talk back to that voice and just kind 330 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,520 of tell her to shut up and, you know, like not be so critical 331 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:28,240 and not be so judgmental of me, right? 332 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:30,520 I don't want to be judgmental to other people because I judge 333 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,640 myself a lot. And there's two different 334 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:36,080 judgments going on there that I'm now able to articulate a 335 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:38,200 little bit more. So that's been very helpful. 336 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:45,000 Yeah, so I'm going to go ahead and do a spoiler alert, my 400th 337 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:48,160 podcast episode. The original intention was to 338 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:53,440 title it What Herpes Taught Me about God, and I'm finding that 339 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:59,440 more spiritual conversations are being had or most downloaded 340 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:03,520 podcast episode I thought would be the episode I did with Doctor 341 00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:06,120 Evelyn Dacker on how to talk about your herpes status and 342 00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:11,640 diagnosis with somebody. It's actually episode 112 or 343 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:15,240 116, which is the spiritual significance of herpes. 344 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:18,520 And I was very shocked to see that because I googled herpes of 345 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:21,120 spirituality and this is the first podcast episode that 346 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:23,920 popped up or the first thing. That popped up and I was like, 347 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:28,240 interesting. And so there's, there's so much 348 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:31,520 to be said for the spirituality component, right? 349 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:35,520 And I, I guess this is a really good, you know, transition into 350 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:39,120 that conversation because I have learned so much more about 351 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:43,640 whatever language we use God, spirituality, yoga. 352 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:47,760 I think that these are different languages for the same thing. 353 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:51,680 Even for someone who has no beliefs about God, even the 354 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:55,280 absence of your belief is a belief like the choice not to 355 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:57,320 have a belief in God. All right, cool. 356 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:01,320 What do we call a thing that you put faith in right? 357 00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:05,040 Like unless you just don't subscribe to faith or hope, 358 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:09,760 right and it using the language that I have to connect with 359 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:13,080 people at that level. That is not the body, that is 360 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:16,360 not the mind, that is not emotional, that is not your 361 00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,880 identities. That is not like just who. 362 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,560 It's more at who you are at your core when you strip away the 363 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,360 identities. And that brings us to the raw 364 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:29,800 material of what makes us who we are, whatever that light is, 365 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:33,600 those particles, what the protons, neutrons and electrons, 366 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:38,160 right? And what I'm hearing and what 367 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:41,040 you're sharing here, when we talk about the inner world, 368 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:44,400 outer world, it's really coming down to that. 369 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:47,840 Like when we disassociate from our finances, race, 370 00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:52,280 relationships, sex, gender expression, our relationships, 371 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:55,000 the roles that we got to play between being a parent, 372 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:58,920 someone's child, a grandparent, partner, spouse, friend. 373 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:02,680 When you strip all of that away, that is where you are the 374 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:07,000 closest you can be to whatever force of existence that you 375 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:11,480 believe in. And I try to help people peel 376 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:16,600 back those layers by not unidentifying with these things, 377 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,960 but to see themselves outside of it. 378 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:24,920 And yoga calls it the observer. I think the Bible calls it the 379 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:26,680 language of the Bible. I'm learning it. 380 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:28,840 So I'm, I'm actually going through the process of like 381 00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:32,320 rereading the Bible, not rereading it. 382 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:35,800 I don't want to say rereading because I've not like read it in 383 00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:38,040 its entirety. But there have been scriptures 384 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:42,760 that have stuck with me that I hear consistently in different 385 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:44,520 books. There's the awakened brain. 386 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:48,000 I forget the exact name of the author, but she talks about how 387 00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:51,840 when people have faith in something, their brains work 388 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,720 differently. It's almost like they're more 389 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:58,320 functional, right? So the draw of people's 390 00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:01,520 spirituality or the draw that people have to the spiritual 391 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:05,240 side of something positive for positive people makes me think 392 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:08,920 that in the event that there's a season 2 or that I come back to 393 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:14,040 the podcast, it might have more of a focus on that element. 394 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:17,560 But I I got to do some work to refine the language and. 395 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:18,480 Yeah. Definitely. 396 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:22,080 So when we have our cause and we talk about the things like 397 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,200 you're like you should write a book like that wasn't totally 398 00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:27,680 should write the. Book absolutely no. 399 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:32,720 And for me, it's been really hard because I'm Greek, so I 400 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:39,560 grew up so culture and religion are very interwoven in my 401 00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:43,240 cultural background. And I have had to take, I'm in 402 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:46,840 my early 50s, so I've really had to peel back the layers and 403 00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:50,040 separate religion from spirituality. 404 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:57,280 And so there's a lot of cultural aspects of the religion, the 405 00:23:57,280 --> 00:24:00,720 organized religion with which I was raised that I still take 406 00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:03,280 with me because there's a, there's that cultural piece, 407 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:06,320 right? But in terms of spirituality, 408 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:11,560 I've really had to take what I take and leave the rest is what 409 00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:16,040 I say from, from the religion. And I, I do happen to believe in 410 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:17,600 God. I do believe in that as a higher 411 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,360 power. But you know, is God a man? 412 00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:22,880 I don't think so. I don't, I don't think, you 413 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:24,200 know, I don't think God has a gender. 414 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:29,080 I think, you know, so, but it's a lot of these, these ideas 415 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:33,640 about spirituality that have actually helped me post divorce 416 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:38,040 because I was divorced eight, 8 1/2 years ago and, and really 417 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:40,840 helping me grow into my own right right now. 418 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:45,560 So my idea of spirituality is, you know, has AI think a 419 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:48,480 Christian base, but it's definitely peppered with 420 00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:51,920 Buddhism and, you know, other forms of, of spirituality. 421 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,760 I'm reading, I'm reading a great book right now called it's by 422 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:58,600 Technohan and it's called Jesus and as brothers. 423 00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:01,880 And it's fascinating. It's it's the most fascinating 424 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:06,440 book I think I've ever read. So, yeah, so that's and, and and 425 00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:11,520 this journey with with herpes has definitely given me pause 426 00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:15,600 to, to really think about, you know, what do I have faith in? 427 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:19,000 What do I believe in? Where is the good? 428 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,800 Because I think when you get this diagnosis, at least for me, 429 00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:25,240 I don't want to generalize, but it's really easy to fall right 430 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:29,440 into the negative, right? Except the way you explain 431 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:32,680 negative is negative is the absence of that doesn't mean 432 00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:34,280 that that's a, that's a bad thing. 433 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:37,800 It just means that it's, it's waiting to develop into 434 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,720 something. So I've had to shift my mindset 435 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:43,200 thinking about negativity too, which is something else that you 436 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:45,640 taught me, which is again, why you need to write a book. 437 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:49,800 So anyway, yeah, I said a lot there. 438 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:53,000 But I, I, I guess I just wanted to speak to that, that, that 439 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:57,440 religion and belief in a higher power than yourself can be two 440 00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:00,040 different things. So. 441 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:07,840 Yes, I'm at the the intersection between what I've learned about 442 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:13,680 Christianity, what I've learned about yoga, and what I've 443 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,480 learned about anime. There's a lot of spirituality 444 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:20,320 and a lot of the anime that I watch, which is you ultimately 445 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:24,680 learn, you hear the same story over again, over and over again. 446 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:29,360 There's suffering where there's just this unconscious existence 447 00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:35,680 of like no connectedness to what it is that you want. 448 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:38,880 All of these things are essentially saying do what you 449 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:41,200 want to do, don't do what you don't want to do. 450 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:45,600 Even the word sin, like the interpretations of the Bible. 451 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:49,360 Me and ChatGPT had a nice little conversation about this too. 452 00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:52,800 Like I was one of those I'm one of those people and I created a 453 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:58,880 glossary of metaphors that speak to what Yoga says, what the 454 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:02,280 Bible says, and then what the language that I'm cultivating 455 00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:06,040 for. I call it atomic living where 456 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:10,640 God, purpose, whatever positive and presence represents the 457 00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:14,240 proton electrons are everything in motion. 458 00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:17,640 So events, people that come into your life, challenges and all of 459 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,960 that. And then the neutron is US, 460 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,160 right. So in the book Outwitting the 461 00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:26,080 Devil by Napoleon Hill, the author essentially interviews 462 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:28,960 the devil, and we don't know if it's the real devil or if it's 463 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,400 just like a figment of his imagination. 464 00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:36,080 But a lot of what he speaks to, if you sum it up in general, is 465 00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:39,960 that the devil is electrons, a negative energy. 466 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:43,040 He's like, I make up 1/2 of the atom on the negative. 467 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:44,920 I'm sorry, the negative portion of the atom. 468 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:48,920 So atoms are these structures where there's a proton at the 469 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:51,840 center, which is. And if we're looking at the Sun 470 00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:57,600 as an example of an atom, the Sun's objective in its rotation 471 00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:01,360 and everything that happens is it turns hydrogen into helium. 472 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:05,720 So its purpose is that as a proton, the neutron is the 473 00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:08,520 stabilizing force. That is like, OK, this is what 474 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:12,160 we're doing. And it could choose to stop 475 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:14,440 doing that. It could choose to not be in 476 00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:16,760 stillness with its proton, but it doesn't. 477 00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:20,520 And in turn, because of its consistency and its stability, 478 00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:25,960 we are its electrons in that it's been given it's give, it 479 00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:28,760 gives off light, it gives off heat and it gives off gravity. 480 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:32,760 So every planet that has structured around it has benefit 481 00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:36,480 from its stability. When people live in that way, 482 00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:40,960 where the solar system as an example of living becomes what 483 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:46,040 we do with our nervous system, we find that we take our we, we 484 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:49,560 take where we were born in our surroundings and we find our own 485 00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:52,800 structure and stability in it. So where someone might turn 486 00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:56,560 hydrogen to helium or the sun turns hydrogen to to helium, we 487 00:28:56,560 --> 00:29:00,640 turn our trauma into healing. And in turn we find that 488 00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:07,840 opportunities, people, events, things Orient themselves to us. 489 00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:10,720 And that's really what life is supposed to be like. 490 00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:13,360 And you see that in the stories of Jesus. 491 00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:15,960 You see that in the stories of you see that in various 492 00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:18,400 scriptures in the Bible. And some that stand out to me 493 00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:21,120 are like be still and know that I am God. 494 00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:23,840 That's probably one of the biggest ones. 495 00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:26,960 And it's to find that stillness because if the devil is all 496 00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:32,880 electrons, negativity, and things in motion, then you doing 497 00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:35,080 only what you're supposed to do and none of what you're not 498 00:29:35,080 --> 00:29:38,200 supposed to do. You find yourself in alignment. 499 00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:41,160 And when you're in alignment, you have the groundedness at 500 00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:45,200 your center and you've got these orbits around you where things 501 00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:49,280 Orient themselves to you and who you are according to how you 502 00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:54,280 express your purpose, right? So nothing inherently is bad. 503 00:29:54,280 --> 00:29:57,960 Even I looked at the objective Bible verses and it's like, 504 00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:01,760 damn, you can turn that into something for control and tell 505 00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:05,160 people, hey, you should only have a wife and a husband 506 00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:10,080 together versus it being what marriage is symbolic of, which 507 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:13,080 is hey, we're agreeing to this sense of purpose and there's a. 508 00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:15,720 Lot of right, right, right, right, right. 509 00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:16,400 Yeah. And. 510 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:19,200 And I think that the, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you. 511 00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:20,640 I think that. No, no, you're right. 512 00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:23,400 I think that. I mean, I think all you have to 513 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:28,880 do is look around right now at the world and see all the 514 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:33,720 misinterpretations of things or the insistent and it's crazy. 515 00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:40,320 And I that's where I the whole organized religion thing. 516 00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:44,040 If that's your if that's your thing, that's fine, but it can't 517 00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:48,600 be an imposition on others. And that's yeah, anyway not. 518 00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:50,440 Supposed to be, yeah, it's. Not supposed. 519 00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:56,560 I mean, that's the thing and I, I, yeah, I, I post divorce, 520 00:30:57,080 --> 00:31:01,200 being a divorced woman in, in the Orthodox Church is, is a 521 00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:05,160 fascinating thing and it, and we don't need to go down that road 522 00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:06,800 because it's totally different than why we're here. 523 00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:09,920 But but it just, it was very eye opening for me. 524 00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:16,440 And I think again, those types of experiences as a woman can 525 00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:22,720 actually cause a lot of anger. A straight woman cause a lot of 526 00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:27,040 anger towards straight men. And, and I'm just, that's not my 527 00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:28,720 mindset. And I think that we can fall 528 00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:34,360 into that as straight women a lot easily, especially with how 529 00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:39,240 I contracted herpes. And I don't hate men. 530 00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:42,720 I don't think they're all jerks. I don't think they're all bad at 531 00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:47,960 at all. And, you know, I, I can't live 532 00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:50,720 my life that way, right? So, yeah. 533 00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:53,280 So going back to what you were saying about about the Bible and 534 00:31:53,280 --> 00:31:54,840 stuff, yeah. I mean, interpretation is 535 00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:56,520 everything. It's everything. 536 00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:58,680 So. There's so many people I talk 537 00:31:58,680 --> 00:32:01,200 to, they get here and they're like, oh, I grew up in purity 538 00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:02,400 culture. I grew up Catholic. 539 00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:04,800 I hear I grew up Catholic more than anything else. 540 00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:08,480 And there's. So much of people's self 541 00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:11,920 identification with sexual shame and people think that they're 542 00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:14,720 sinning because they have sex outside of marriage. 543 00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:20,520 But the interpretation the the Bible objectively states it 544 00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:24,200 uses, I think the word covenant. And when we, because we were 545 00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:29,480 talking about this in a, I'm on a cab panel where we're trying 546 00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:33,120 to do a study on heterosexual couples and we were defining 547 00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:35,760 like what a couple is or what a relationship is like. 548 00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:38,080 How are we defining it? Because there's situationships, 549 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:40,680 fuck buddies, friends, benefits, all these things, right? 550 00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:45,800 And how the Bible speaks to marriage, right, is essentially 551 00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:50,120 people interpreted it as if you're not married, then it's 552 00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:53,000 sin. It's it's marriage without or 553 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:57,560 it's sex without outside of marriage, when really it's like, 554 00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:00,040 don't have sex you don't want to be having. 555 00:33:00,360 --> 00:33:03,680 If you're intentional about it and all parties involved know 556 00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:07,280 what it is, then it's not a sin because it's not out of 557 00:33:07,280 --> 00:33:10,080 alignment, because sin is just out of alignment. 558 00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:13,040 That's what the word means. And when we talk about 559 00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:17,360 alignment, right, the planets are aligned with the sun, the 560 00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:20,920 benefit that we get from it is light, heat and a consistent 561 00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:24,160 gravity. And we got all these ecosystems 562 00:33:24,160 --> 00:33:29,000 that make the planet self-sufficient and only in 563 00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:32,960 relation to the sun, right? So with our nervous system, if 564 00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:36,520 we take actions that are aligned with who we are, first we got to 565 00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:40,200 know who we are, then we got to know what we want, then we have 566 00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:44,760 to be the kind of person that what's supposed to be in our 567 00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:48,440 orbit aligns itself to us. And if we just take the 568 00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:53,480 framework of the solar system and how atoms operate, like, why 569 00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:57,320 wouldn't we do that if we're trillions of fucking atoms, Like 570 00:33:57,320 --> 00:34:01,480 it makes sense that we operate from that perspective. 571 00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:06,400 And I've been practicing that for myself and trying to develop 572 00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:08,719 the language and, and speak it more out loud. 573 00:34:08,719 --> 00:34:11,719 And I'm finding that the more that I live it, the more that I 574 00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:14,960 say the things, the the more people are drawn to me, the more 575 00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:18,719 opportunities are drawn to me. And I don't, I haven't really 576 00:34:18,719 --> 00:34:22,040 had to go out looking for them. And I even think to myself, 577 00:34:22,040 --> 00:34:24,320 like, as somebody who is polyamorous, right? 578 00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:27,080 Like, I don't know that there were any mentions specifically 579 00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:30,880 of polyamory being a sin in the Bible, but it's more about the, 580 00:34:30,880 --> 00:34:34,520 the covenant thing, right? I have the most intentional 581 00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:37,800 relationships than I've ever had with just one person. 582 00:34:38,120 --> 00:34:41,159 And those are sins. So I wanted to come back to what 583 00:34:41,159 --> 00:34:42,440 you said. I know you said like marriage 584 00:34:42,440 --> 00:34:45,560 wasn't, you know, a part of this, but I think that that's a 585 00:34:45,560 --> 00:34:51,440 big deal because it's got divorced because sin in the 586 00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:54,639 sense of recognizing that this is out of alignment. 587 00:34:54,639 --> 00:34:59,480 And the word redemption, I believe is a word really isn't 588 00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:03,240 like God's going to punish you. You need to beg for forgiveness. 589 00:35:03,240 --> 00:35:07,000 It's really just realigning yourself so that relationship 590 00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:09,760 was not in alignment. Getting out of the relationship 591 00:35:09,760 --> 00:35:13,760 brought you back into alignment. So that's it. 592 00:35:13,760 --> 00:35:16,360 Like there's no punishment. Like it's suffering. 593 00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:19,480 God isn't punishing us. We're suffering ourselves 594 00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:22,120 because we're out of alignment and doing shit we don't want to 595 00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:23,960 do. Taking it back to the core of 596 00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:28,920 what the Bible, anime, and yoga all say, which is do what you 597 00:35:28,920 --> 00:35:31,920 want to do, don't do what you don't want to do, and just be 598 00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:35,000 consistent with it. Yeah, And I got really caught up 599 00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:38,080 in doing what I thought I was supposed to do. 600 00:35:38,720 --> 00:35:44,040 That's kind of how up until my divorce, I I viewed 601 00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:46,400 relationships. I did not date in high school. 602 00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:51,480 I wasn't allowed to. I had one boyfriend, my first 603 00:35:51,480 --> 00:35:56,120 boyfriend in college. We didn't have sex until I was 604 00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:58,640 20. So we were together for two 605 00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:01,800 years and and before we had sex and then I was like, Oh, I've 606 00:36:01,800 --> 00:36:04,400 got to go to confession, You know, I felt horrible about it. 607 00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:10,400 And and then and then I met my now ex-husband who's a wonderful 608 00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:12,840 human being. He's a wonderful human being. 609 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:15,000 He's not a bad guy at all. He's a great dad. 610 00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:19,520 He's a good friend, but we just talk about being out of 611 00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:21,800 alignment and total night and day. 612 00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:26,800 I guess what I meant about marriage is I had to go through 613 00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:33,760 a process after I got legally divorced in order to still be in 614 00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:40,160 good standing with the church. I had to go through a council of 615 00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:45,040 priests and they had to give me the OK. 616 00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:48,640 And but my ex-husband didn't have to go through that. 617 00:36:48,720 --> 00:36:51,440 Just I did. And that as a woman felt. 618 00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:57,880 And that's where I really, I really started having like, like 619 00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:02,520 issues with religion and I realized I don't believe in this 620 00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:07,640 God that is so judgmental and so finger pointy and not forgiving 621 00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:12,200 and all that kind of thing. Because if I believed in that, 622 00:37:12,200 --> 00:37:16,120 then I shouldn't be sitting here right now talking to you about 623 00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:19,720 my herpes diagnosis. I should be, you know, I don't 624 00:37:19,720 --> 00:37:22,680 know, somewhere praying 24/7 or something. 625 00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:26,520 And I pray all the time, right? But I just, I, I refuse to 626 00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:29,680 believe. I can't believe that that's how 627 00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:33,400 my higher power functions. So that was traumatic after 628 00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:37,240 after I was divorced and I had to relearn things and accept 629 00:37:37,240 --> 00:37:42,880 things that that worked for me. But, but getting back to to my 630 00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:48,640 herpes diagnosis, I am really discovering the nature of who I 631 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:52,840 am, which is you also said there's something about nature. 632 00:37:52,840 --> 00:37:55,120 There's a quote that you've said in a few of your podcast. 633 00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:58,440 Nature and form are two different things, right? 634 00:37:58,440 --> 00:38:02,960 So, so I'm really focusing on the nature of who I am and, and 635 00:38:02,960 --> 00:38:05,360 I wouldn't be able to do that without this diagnosis. 636 00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:10,280 So yeah. All right, I appreciate that 637 00:38:10,280 --> 00:38:14,760 because I, I think that you are the way that you even just spoke 638 00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:19,200 about divorce and the process and church's involvement. 639 00:38:19,520 --> 00:38:23,440 Church as a governing entity, government as a governing 640 00:38:23,440 --> 00:38:29,320 entity, well as an entity, I guess even crime as an an 641 00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:34,720 institution and the financial, their media, all of these 642 00:38:34,720 --> 00:38:37,160 things. When I watch anime, I'm watching 643 00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:41,680 One Piece right now, you see that there is a core power of a 644 00:38:41,720 --> 00:38:46,120 system of control that is designed to keep people divided, 645 00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:51,720 and it's in bed with a lot of the influence, like influencers, 646 00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:54,600 the people who are given influence because power comes 647 00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:58,400 with influence, they maintain these power structures for a 648 00:38:58,400 --> 00:39:01,600 balance that benefits the control system. 649 00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:04,840 There are far more people than there are influencer 650 00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:07,160 influencers. There are far more people than 651 00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:11,200 there are these governing bodies and institutions that if 652 00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:14,280 everyone collectively today were like, hey, this is fucking 653 00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:16,680 stupid, let's stop subscribing to this. 654 00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:20,960 That shit would die. And in clawing efforts, we would 655 00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:25,960 see things like even the people who benefit from the power being 656 00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:29,120 able to see, hey, this shit is actually stupid, let's do 657 00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:31,840 something else. But there's always going to be 658 00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:34,120 there. There will always be something, 659 00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:40,080 someone that will take advantage of whatever the current status 660 00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:44,320 of the system is. And that's very, it's 661 00:39:44,320 --> 00:39:47,880 unfortunate, but it's just, it is the nature of what it is. 662 00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:50,720 But there's always these balancing forces and if we don't 663 00:39:50,720 --> 00:39:54,840 see God as anything else or whatever, I don't even want to 664 00:39:54,840 --> 00:39:58,800 call it a higher power because I believe it's us like we are that 665 00:39:59,320 --> 00:40:03,440 even if we look at, if we look at Napoleon Hill's, you know, 666 00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:07,160 explanation of the devil being negative energy and God being 667 00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:11,920 positive energy, and these two forces cannot interact with each 668 00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:14,040 other directly or take from the other. 669 00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:17,000 The neutron is the pathway of that. 670 00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:21,280 So like, I've come to believe God to be, you know? 671 00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:28,240 All of this and for us to be something that is desired and 672 00:40:28,240 --> 00:40:31,160 coveted by the devil. And also I don't want to say 673 00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:35,920 like jealous by God, but like the as close of an expression to 674 00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:38,320 presence and positivity as possible. 675 00:40:38,560 --> 00:40:43,040 Being us as neutral beings who can step into the positive and 676 00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:47,600 stillness and presence, or we can go into motion and 677 00:40:47,600 --> 00:40:51,560 negativity and continue to operate in that way because 678 00:40:51,640 --> 00:40:53,600 we're the only beings that can do that. 679 00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:55,960 Animals have their instincts and tuition. 680 00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:59,720 They can be trained by humans, which makes us, you know, 681 00:40:59,760 --> 00:41:03,840 essentially like their God because we can control them or, 682 00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:06,720 you know, teach them and influence them. 683 00:41:07,120 --> 00:41:11,000 But for us, we have the ability to choose. 684 00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:14,320 And that power of choice is something that I really hope to 685 00:41:14,320 --> 00:41:18,280 drive home and exercise for people is that we can choose 686 00:41:18,280 --> 00:41:20,640 stillness, we can choose emotion, we can choose 687 00:41:20,840 --> 00:41:25,200 positivity and presence and or we can choose negativity and 688 00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:27,360 absence. And that's just a matter of 689 00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:30,840 exercising choice. Herpes gives us the opportunity 690 00:41:30,840 --> 00:41:34,640 to exercise choice. We can choose to give this 691 00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:38,600 information to people and they make the decision. 692 00:41:39,400 --> 00:41:41,200 We give them options and make the decision. 693 00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:45,160 And we have the option to do so or not do so. 694 00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:49,480 And there's nothing stopping us from making whatever decision we 695 00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:52,200 want to make for ourselves. For sure. 696 00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:55,280 And I, I definitely felt at the beginning of this journey, when 697 00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:59,760 we first connected, I was at a crossroads after I remember 698 00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:04,920 opening my phone and seeing the HSV 2 positive, I was in the 699 00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:09,040 parking lot at Amazon Fresh. And I thought that I, like, I 700 00:42:09,040 --> 00:42:13,520 had this moment where I was so angry and just so frustrated. 701 00:42:13,520 --> 00:42:17,720 And I came home and I was crying and I, you know, and then I 702 00:42:17,720 --> 00:42:21,960 talked to you and that most definitely helped. 703 00:42:22,040 --> 00:42:26,120 But after that, and then after the first support group, I, I 704 00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:29,840 found myself at a crossroads and I had a choice. 705 00:42:30,720 --> 00:42:35,200 I had a choice how I wanted to continue to exist because for 706 00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:37,760 me, it, what was the hardest thing to get over is like, I'm 707 00:42:37,760 --> 00:42:40,880 carrying this, this thing, this herpes, right? 708 00:42:40,880 --> 00:42:44,520 This thing around inside of me that somebody else put there 709 00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:46,520 that I didn't say it was OK for them to put there. 710 00:42:47,240 --> 00:42:52,800 And so I had to reconcile that within my own mind and my own 711 00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:55,760 heart, and then I had to make a choice. 712 00:42:55,800 --> 00:43:01,560 Is that what's going to define me or is that just another layer 713 00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:04,840 of me that contributes to the overall of who I am? 714 00:43:04,880 --> 00:43:07,640 And and, and that is the decision that I made. 715 00:43:07,640 --> 00:43:11,120 That's the choice that I made. So now I'm steeping myself back 716 00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:13,640 into creativity. You know, Once Upon a time I had 717 00:43:13,640 --> 00:43:16,400 on my own one woman show. I was a solo performer. 718 00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:21,680 I'm a poet. I all these things are now like 719 00:43:21,680 --> 00:43:23,200 bubbling up to the surface for me. 720 00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:27,760 And it's been so long and I don't know that I would have 721 00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:31,320 gotten back into this space without the diagnosis, to be 722 00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:33,680 honest with you, because I wouldn't have stopped to re 723 00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:39,360 evaluate everything. I wouldn't have stopped to to 724 00:43:39,360 --> 00:43:44,880 think more about what I want. And, and I need to be 725 00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:49,320 communicating that, not just assuming that as a woman, I need 726 00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:54,760 to be able to communicate that to a partner because he's not a 727 00:43:54,760 --> 00:43:57,760 mind reader. And and I think that that's, 728 00:43:57,800 --> 00:44:01,880 that's that's been a huge lesson for me because I thought I was 729 00:44:01,880 --> 00:44:04,120 understanding things and I was clear about things. 730 00:44:04,120 --> 00:44:08,080 But I mean, you know, in past relationships that's not been 731 00:44:08,080 --> 00:44:10,440 the case. So I need to own that and learn 732 00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:12,000 that anyway. So yeah. 733 00:44:12,840 --> 00:44:17,440 Yeah, and, and thank you. Thank you for like your 734 00:44:17,520 --> 00:44:22,600 willingness to not just speak to your story and experience, but 735 00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:26,840 also like sharing how itself has brought you into this space. 736 00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:30,200 Like this is a more spiritual thing. 737 00:44:30,480 --> 00:44:34,760 I'm looking here at my glossary and there's 60 words, There's 60 738 00:44:34,760 --> 00:44:39,320 words from the Bible that have a biblical definition, yogic 739 00:44:39,320 --> 00:44:41,240 definition. And then like the language that 740 00:44:41,240 --> 00:44:43,880 I'm trying to, they all intersect is what you're saying. 741 00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:46,040 They all intersect. Those three things intersect in 742 00:44:46,040 --> 00:44:50,920 these words. They say the same thing, right? 743 00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:53,120 OK. They can be. 744 00:44:53,120 --> 00:44:55,240 Interpreted in. Different ways. 745 00:44:55,680 --> 00:44:59,760 So objectively, let's use hell for example. 746 00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:03,320 The biblical sense is that hell is separation from God, 747 00:45:03,320 --> 00:45:07,960 existential suffering, right? How often have you heard that 748 00:45:07,960 --> 00:45:10,520 hell is a fiery place that you go to when you die? 749 00:45:10,520 --> 00:45:14,680 All the time. Heaven is. 750 00:45:14,720 --> 00:45:18,080 In the biblical sense, presence with God, it's peace and joy. 751 00:45:18,720 --> 00:45:21,600 How often have you heard that you get that to that when you 752 00:45:21,600 --> 00:45:24,720 die like that's what happens when you die. 753 00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:31,240 And the yogic definition of hell is essentially reincarnation 754 00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:33,960 under heavy karma, egoic bondage. 755 00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:37,120 So hell is your attachment to ego. 756 00:45:37,320 --> 00:45:42,360 So being in this plane of existence and being more so 757 00:45:42,360 --> 00:45:45,600 identified with that negative. Well, that's my definition is 758 00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:49,600 the negative space. So if we look at if the devil 759 00:45:49,600 --> 00:45:53,240 and negativity are all electrons, then the atomic 760 00:45:53,240 --> 00:45:56,880 structure of looking at things as like an atom, we're looking 761 00:45:56,880 --> 00:46:01,080 at what would happen if the Sun were ever to stop producing 762 00:46:01,080 --> 00:46:06,320 hydrogen into helium. It would burn out, it would, it 763 00:46:06,320 --> 00:46:09,040 would collapse and die and become a black hole. 764 00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:15,280 So it has essentially collapsed within on itself creating a 765 00:46:15,280 --> 00:46:19,240 black hole because there is no resonance, there's no purpose 766 00:46:19,320 --> 00:46:21,080 anymore. So it just dies. 767 00:46:21,400 --> 00:46:24,600 But the sun continues to live as long as it's fulfilling its 768 00:46:24,600 --> 00:46:26,600 purpose. And once it fulfills its 769 00:46:26,600 --> 00:46:29,760 purpose, I think it becomes like a, a neutron * white dwarf 770 00:46:29,760 --> 00:46:32,200 neutron star or some shit like that. 771 00:46:33,160 --> 00:46:37,240 Heaven, the yogic definition is higher consciousness. 772 00:46:37,240 --> 00:46:41,880 You're in a bliss state and it's really doing what you want to be 773 00:46:41,880 --> 00:46:45,400 doing. And hell is doing a lot of the 774 00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:47,360 things that you don't want to be doing. 775 00:46:47,360 --> 00:46:49,720 So purpose being OK, this aligns with me. 776 00:46:49,720 --> 00:46:51,800 The more I do this thing, the happier I am. 777 00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:54,600 I found that for myself to do something positive for positive 778 00:46:54,600 --> 00:46:59,360 people, this isn't the exclusive way that I do what I'm supposed 779 00:46:59,360 --> 00:47:03,280 to be doing, but it's also that this is what I want to be doing. 780 00:47:03,280 --> 00:47:05,240 I don't know that that I knew that this was what I wanted to 781 00:47:05,240 --> 00:47:10,160 do right away, but it became something that the more that I 782 00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:15,720 do it, the more that I see these experiences of peace and 783 00:47:15,960 --> 00:47:18,200 contentment. And you know, we can even say 784 00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:21,520 presence with God, like not to make something positive, my God, 785 00:47:21,520 --> 00:47:27,040 but I'm making what this is an expression of my proton, my 786 00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:31,520 purpose for me as the neutron to connect with, stabilize and 787 00:47:31,520 --> 00:47:34,800 create this magnetism and resonance, resonance for 788 00:47:34,800 --> 00:47:39,880 electrons to fall into place. So the expression of purpose 789 00:47:39,880 --> 00:47:45,280 fully is what heaven is. So I'm living in heaven by that 790 00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:47,840 definition. And it's really about presence 791 00:47:47,840 --> 00:47:51,480 being, presence, being, being present, being here aligned with 792 00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:54,680 purpose because I'm not sinning, because I'm not drifting. 793 00:47:54,680 --> 00:47:56,960 And here's where boundaries come in. 794 00:47:56,960 --> 00:48:01,040 Your boundaries are really to keep you in that state of heaven 795 00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:06,040 so as not to drift too far. We're going to naturally be 796 00:48:06,040 --> 00:48:10,600 tempted by things outside of what it is that we're doing, but 797 00:48:10,600 --> 00:48:15,320 it's our responsibility to take aligned action with sin, with 798 00:48:15,360 --> 00:48:18,840 negativity, with that field, with the electrons. 799 00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:24,240 So we stay present to purpose and we notice what aligns most 800 00:48:24,480 --> 00:48:27,600 resonant with what signals we send off. 801 00:48:27,600 --> 00:48:30,480 And this is what the law of attraction even States. 802 00:48:31,080 --> 00:48:34,960 And it's that, you know, you want to be the change you want 803 00:48:34,960 --> 00:48:37,680 to see in the world, because when our inner world is going to 804 00:48:37,680 --> 00:48:40,640 reflect our outer world. And we we can do that in 805 00:48:40,640 --> 00:48:45,080 community and collectively, the support groups as people fall 806 00:48:45,080 --> 00:48:49,240 into this can then become something that's impactful for 807 00:48:49,240 --> 00:48:52,440 other ways in the world to where maybe stigma goes away. 808 00:48:52,680 --> 00:48:56,480 And if stigma goes away, what can happen with the wrongdoings 809 00:48:56,480 --> 00:49:02,160 of the world if we are to begin to reshape what it is, the way 810 00:49:02,160 --> 00:49:04,960 that we view herpes, the way that we view stigma, the way 811 00:49:04,960 --> 00:49:08,400 that we even view something that brought us here, like a shitty 812 00:49:08,400 --> 00:49:11,680 relationship with God or religion or shitty views on that 813 00:49:12,120 --> 00:49:13,720 Right, Right. Absolutely. 814 00:49:15,560 --> 00:49:19,720 Yeah. And I, I, I think I'm slowly 815 00:49:19,720 --> 00:49:24,560 finding my purpose, but I definitely am finding myself. 816 00:49:24,760 --> 00:49:28,440 And I think I shared this with you the other night that, you 817 00:49:28,440 --> 00:49:31,600 know, the support groups, it's the first time that I've been 818 00:49:31,600 --> 00:49:36,160 in, in a, in a present situation with other people where I've 819 00:49:36,160 --> 00:49:43,080 actually felt 100% like myself. And that's never happened to me. 820 00:49:43,080 --> 00:49:45,360 Even before the. Herpes diagnosis, right? 821 00:49:45,360 --> 00:49:47,640 Because I've always sort of marched to the beat of my own 822 00:49:47,640 --> 00:49:50,680 drummer, but kept that very close to me. 823 00:49:50,680 --> 00:49:54,560 And, and I now feel like I can just be open and honest and 824 00:49:54,560 --> 00:49:58,000 authentic. And, and that authenticity is 825 00:49:58,200 --> 00:50:01,560 really what I've discovered in this journey. 826 00:50:01,560 --> 00:50:05,240 And, and honestly, I mean, a lot of it came from just having that 827 00:50:05,240 --> 00:50:09,880 support call with you because I sex is not something I grew up 828 00:50:09,880 --> 00:50:13,400 talking about. It's not it was not associated 829 00:50:13,400 --> 00:50:15,920 with pleasure. It was associated with an act 830 00:50:15,920 --> 00:50:21,360 that resulted in children. And I am at my age, you know, 831 00:50:21,400 --> 00:50:25,960 52, I'm relearning all of that, that it's OK to, you know, to, 832 00:50:26,200 --> 00:50:28,840 to want to have sex and to feel good when you're having sex and 833 00:50:28,840 --> 00:50:34,080 to ask what you want during sex and to, to discover and define 834 00:50:34,080 --> 00:50:36,520 what intimacy and pleasure and all those things are. 835 00:50:36,520 --> 00:50:40,200 And, and that's now becoming part of my purpose. 836 00:50:40,200 --> 00:50:44,360 And it's, it's something that I have not, you know, externalized 837 00:50:44,360 --> 00:50:47,160 at all because I'm like, I'm not supposed to talk about that out 838 00:50:47,160 --> 00:50:49,160 loud. So, yeah. 839 00:50:49,160 --> 00:50:51,960 So it's, it's been a, it's, it's been a blessing. 840 00:50:51,960 --> 00:50:54,120 Like I said at the beginning, it's been a blessing. 841 00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:56,320 And, and everything that you're saying. 842 00:50:56,320 --> 00:50:57,880 Yeah. I mean, could you imagine, could 843 00:50:57,880 --> 00:51:00,720 you imagine if we were in those spaces together? 844 00:51:00,720 --> 00:51:03,760 And, and it's a chain reaction. One thing leads to the next 845 00:51:03,760 --> 00:51:06,200 thing leads to the next thing. And you know, who knows where 846 00:51:06,200 --> 00:51:09,400 that takes everything? And, and at the end of the day, 847 00:51:09,440 --> 00:51:13,520 you know, tossing stigma out the window about herpes would be, 848 00:51:14,560 --> 00:51:16,720 would be a really good thing. And, and the work that you're 849 00:51:16,720 --> 00:51:22,720 doing is so important, Courtney. So I'm, I'm beyond grateful that 850 00:51:22,720 --> 00:51:24,200 our paths crossed. I really am. 851 00:51:24,520 --> 00:51:27,960 So, yeah, thank you. I appreciate. 852 00:51:28,000 --> 00:51:32,880 That Yeah, you have mentioned Crossroads earlier and I saw 853 00:51:32,920 --> 00:51:34,440 that that was a word on here too. 854 00:51:34,920 --> 00:51:38,120 In a biblical sense. Yeah, in a biblical sense, it's 855 00:51:38,120 --> 00:51:40,760 a decision between God's way and the world's way. 856 00:51:41,200 --> 00:51:45,600 And then yoga, it's your purpose versus your ego, right? 857 00:51:45,600 --> 00:51:50,160 Like doing what you want to do versus doing what you yourself 858 00:51:50,160 --> 00:51:53,360 don't want to do. And a lot of times ego isn't 859 00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:56,720 what we ourselves want, but when we identify with the ego, that 860 00:51:56,720 --> 00:51:59,920 becomes who we are and we think that that's what we want, right? 861 00:52:00,440 --> 00:52:02,360 And then? The atomic. 862 00:52:02,840 --> 00:52:07,400 Thing is just the trajectory between doing what you want to 863 00:52:07,400 --> 00:52:11,000 do and not doing what you doing what you don't want to do. 864 00:52:11,000 --> 00:52:15,920 So that that world of electrons and negativity like identifying 865 00:52:15,920 --> 00:52:20,200 with those things, those labels versus staying in your 866 00:52:20,200 --> 00:52:22,560 alignment. I don't like the phrase stay in 867 00:52:22,560 --> 00:52:28,400 your lane because staying in your lane is often times not it 868 00:52:28,400 --> 00:52:30,920 it you, you have to do things that you don't want to do, 869 00:52:31,280 --> 00:52:32,560 right? And you can't. 870 00:52:32,560 --> 00:52:35,240 You can't. Explore this way or explore that 871 00:52:35,240 --> 00:52:36,600 way. You have to stay this way. 872 00:52:36,600 --> 00:52:38,920 Yeah, Yeah, I agree with you on that for sure. 873 00:52:38,920 --> 00:52:44,880 Yeah, but. I'm I'm just looking through 874 00:52:44,880 --> 00:52:47,560 here. I'd be so curious to see that. 875 00:52:47,560 --> 00:52:49,960 List that you've made. I'd be so curious to see that 876 00:52:49,960 --> 00:52:53,440 because that's fascinating. Yeah, it's it's and I want to 877 00:52:53,440 --> 00:52:58,080 read. The I want to read the Bible and 878 00:52:58,280 --> 00:53:03,240 like get this language because it's, it's useful. 879 00:53:03,280 --> 00:53:08,000 And I'm, as I'm watching anime, I find myself more so aligning 880 00:53:08,000 --> 00:53:11,280 with the values of these and I see the spirituality of it. 881 00:53:11,560 --> 00:53:14,680 And even as I talk through the atomic language, right, looking 882 00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:22,640 at atoms as protons, neutrons, electrons, and as we disidentify 883 00:53:22,640 --> 00:53:26,360 from again, all of the labels and the words, essentially, 884 00:53:26,360 --> 00:53:29,520 that's what it is where these fucking combinations of 885 00:53:29,520 --> 00:53:34,000 particles of light that have created these illusions that our 886 00:53:34,000 --> 00:53:38,840 beliefs hold to. And we collectively subscribe to 887 00:53:38,840 --> 00:53:41,480 this. If we collectively subscribe to 888 00:53:41,640 --> 00:53:46,040 a higher state of consciousness of a peaceful world, that 889 00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:49,320 magnitude would more so draw us into that. 890 00:53:49,320 --> 00:53:55,080 But we it's very difficult for us to do that because of. 891 00:53:55,080 --> 00:53:56,480 The division. Right. 892 00:53:56,480 --> 00:53:58,560 We got all these different religions that say the same 893 00:53:58,560 --> 00:54:04,320 shit, but the interpretations of them are to to look to something 894 00:54:04,320 --> 00:54:06,880 external. That's what the interpretations 895 00:54:06,880 --> 00:54:08,120 are. You are not God. 896 00:54:08,120 --> 00:54:10,360 You are not able to do these things. 897 00:54:10,560 --> 00:54:14,200 You need to seek outside yourself, go to church, pray to 898 00:54:14,200 --> 00:54:18,200 and pay this man that's standing at the top of the pulpit who is 899 00:54:18,320 --> 00:54:23,480 delivering these interpretations of, of God's word in a way that 900 00:54:23,920 --> 00:54:28,360 don't quite really align. And it has its purpose. 901 00:54:28,360 --> 00:54:31,880 It has its value because people will take what they hear and 902 00:54:31,880 --> 00:54:34,520 then they'll go into the world and live accordingly. 903 00:54:34,520 --> 00:54:38,600 But to live that shit literally is literally killing people. 904 00:54:39,120 --> 00:54:42,520 And it is. It is. 1000% agree and that's I. 905 00:54:42,560 --> 00:54:44,680 That's why I take what I take and I leave the rest. 906 00:54:45,040 --> 00:54:48,160 That's just where I'm at. And it is, it's, it's killing 907 00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:52,560 people because I think the focus is on what makes us different as 908 00:54:52,560 --> 00:54:56,880 opposed to what makes us the same or what we have in common. 909 00:54:56,880 --> 00:54:59,080 Not the same because no two people are the same. 910 00:54:59,440 --> 00:55:03,800 But I feel like we're, we're focused on the division and 911 00:55:03,800 --> 00:55:08,360 what, what is all different about US versus what we have in 912 00:55:08,360 --> 00:55:12,520 common and how we align. And that's, you know, that's, 913 00:55:12,560 --> 00:55:14,040 that's what we'd rather focus on. 914 00:55:14,040 --> 00:55:22,240 So yeah. So with this being all of that 915 00:55:22,240 --> 00:55:26,960 being said, I think that this is this might be the religion 916 00:55:26,960 --> 00:55:28,520 episode. It's so interesting how shit 917 00:55:28,520 --> 00:55:32,000 lines up because I was like, Oh, I'm going to make an episode on 918 00:55:32,000 --> 00:55:35,560 what herpes taught me about God. And for you and I, I didn't 919 00:55:35,560 --> 00:55:38,120 really have any expectations on what we talked about. 920 00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:41,960 I know that you've been someone who, whenever these 921 00:55:41,960 --> 00:55:44,480 conversations kind of go this way, right? 922 00:55:44,480 --> 00:55:50,000 Like they resonate for you. So it's cool to have been able 923 00:55:50,000 --> 00:55:52,480 to have this free flowing conversation and hear from 924 00:55:52,520 --> 00:55:56,400 another person or you specifically on this platform 925 00:55:56,400 --> 00:55:58,520 that these are things that resonate with you. 926 00:56:00,480 --> 00:56:05,400 I I'm, it's not like a curiosity thing really, because I, I I 927 00:56:05,440 --> 00:56:08,080 feel like we talk. You'll be at the support group. 928 00:56:08,160 --> 00:56:11,120 I'll see you when we have our sessions. 929 00:56:12,280 --> 00:56:15,840 But what is something that having herpes maybe has taught 930 00:56:15,840 --> 00:56:19,520 you about your relationship to God and Christianity? 931 00:56:19,520 --> 00:56:21,680 Is Christianity the one? Yeah, Yeah. 932 00:56:22,200 --> 00:56:25,440 Does it? Taught me about God. 933 00:56:25,920 --> 00:56:30,440 I don't know that it's taught me anything, but it has reinforced 934 00:56:30,440 --> 00:56:34,640 things for me, yeah. I. 935 00:56:37,200 --> 00:56:39,600 I mentioned earlier I don't believe. 936 00:56:39,920 --> 00:56:43,520 That I don't believe in the Hellfire and brimstone crap. 937 00:56:44,400 --> 00:56:46,640 And I wasn't really raised with it. 938 00:56:46,840 --> 00:56:50,320 I was more raised with the structure of things like you're 939 00:56:50,320 --> 00:56:51,920 supposed to fast and you're supposed to do this. 940 00:56:51,920 --> 00:56:54,640 It's a lot of you're supposed to suppose supposed to a lot of 941 00:56:54,640 --> 00:56:56,200 ritual, right, is involved in it. 942 00:56:56,200 --> 00:56:57,560 And there's comfort in the ritual. 943 00:56:57,560 --> 00:57:00,080 I, you know, there are things about the rituals that I love, 944 00:57:00,080 --> 00:57:06,440 but I've always just had this sense of this can't be the only 945 00:57:06,440 --> 00:57:09,480 way. This can't be just how God is. 946 00:57:09,480 --> 00:57:12,560 And so I think what herpes has taught me is I'm not going to 947 00:57:12,560 --> 00:57:18,040 get struck down by lightning. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not 948 00:57:18,040 --> 00:57:21,280 inherently a bad person. I did not ask for this. 949 00:57:21,280 --> 00:57:23,520 I did not do something to deserve this. 950 00:57:23,760 --> 00:57:30,320 It is not a punishment. And so it's reinforced to me 951 00:57:30,320 --> 00:57:34,600 that God is this, this beautiful, accepting, loving 952 00:57:34,600 --> 00:57:41,680 energy that that has lessons that kind of manifest themselves 953 00:57:41,680 --> 00:57:44,120 in the universe for, for people in different ways. 954 00:57:44,120 --> 00:57:47,840 And this was just my lesson. And that's, and I needed, I'm on 955 00:57:47,840 --> 00:57:56,160 this journey now to, to learn to learn the why and, and to take 956 00:57:56,160 --> 00:58:01,440 that sort of into my heart and just kind of see what, what 957 00:58:01,440 --> 00:58:03,680 comes up for me about it. So it's not, I don't think I've 958 00:58:03,680 --> 00:58:06,440 learned anything. I think it's just more I'm 959 00:58:06,440 --> 00:58:10,440 learning about myself. But that's reinforced herpes has 960 00:58:10,440 --> 00:58:14,600 reinforced for me what I have felt all along about God. 961 00:58:14,600 --> 00:58:17,480 And it's just bringing, I think it's, it's sounds so weird. 962 00:58:17,760 --> 00:58:20,680 It's like bringing me closer. I don't know it, it, it brings 963 00:58:20,680 --> 00:58:23,520 me closer because I'm not hiding from it. 964 00:58:24,080 --> 00:58:27,080 I haven't, I haven't, you know, had the discussion with many 965 00:58:27,080 --> 00:58:30,720 people to be honest, because I'm still trying to sit with it. 966 00:58:30,720 --> 00:58:35,400 But and I'm, I'm not in a space where I want to date right now 967 00:58:35,880 --> 00:58:37,920 because I'm just trying to sit with this. 968 00:58:38,240 --> 00:58:40,800 I'll get there. But yeah, it's just been more 969 00:58:40,800 --> 00:58:43,720 reinforcing than anything, if that makes sense. 970 00:58:44,440 --> 00:58:52,160 It does so. My what I've learned about God 971 00:58:52,160 --> 00:58:56,320 hasn't come directly from herpes, but more so the 972 00:58:56,320 --> 00:59:01,320 experiences that came for me after my herpes diagnosis than 973 00:59:01,320 --> 00:59:04,840 anything else. And when you did you say 974 00:59:04,840 --> 00:59:07,000 reinforce? Reinforce was the word that you 975 00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:10,200 use. I think that it's tapped me into 976 00:59:10,200 --> 00:59:15,120 a reminder, a reminder that I am not my diagnosis. 977 00:59:15,160 --> 00:59:18,480 I am not my sexuality. I am not the identity that I 978 00:59:18,480 --> 00:59:20,960 create alongside the the relationships that I have. 979 00:59:20,960 --> 00:59:26,240 I'm not what when I'm dating or in the pursuit of a partner like 980 00:59:26,240 --> 00:59:29,560 that's not me. I'm not the person that people 981 00:59:29,560 --> 00:59:33,840 create this image of me of in their in their head and their 982 00:59:33,840 --> 00:59:39,240 reality and their imagination. I am something that cannot be 983 00:59:39,240 --> 00:59:42,880 described as that. And what herpes I can say taught 984 00:59:42,880 --> 00:59:45,760 me, if you know the the experiences that came after my 985 00:59:45,760 --> 00:59:50,440 herpes diagnosis taught me is that herpes was a reminder. 986 00:59:50,600 --> 00:59:54,560 And it's my role to serve as that reminder to others that, 987 00:59:54,560 --> 00:59:59,920 hey, like I'm reminding you that you are beyond your herpes 988 00:59:59,920 --> 01:00:01,720 status. I'm a reminder that you are 989 01:00:01,720 --> 01:00:05,360 beyond that rejection. You're a reminder that you're 990 01:00:05,360 --> 01:00:09,000 beyond what that person makes you feel like. 991 01:00:09,000 --> 01:00:14,960 You're beyond stigma and. There's such a depth, while I, I 992 01:00:14,960 --> 01:00:18,920 know depth and expansion are these two damn near opposite 993 01:00:18,920 --> 01:00:22,200 things, but they are so interconnected because if we 994 01:00:22,200 --> 01:00:24,840 look to nature, right, we look at trees, the deeper the roots, 995 01:00:24,840 --> 01:00:28,600 the taller the tree and it's the same thing for us. 996 01:00:28,600 --> 01:00:37,840 So being able to go deeper into what came up for me regarding 997 01:00:37,840 --> 01:00:42,280 herpes underneath the surface has allowed for much more 998 01:00:42,280 --> 01:00:46,160 expansiveness in my visibility as a reminder to remind others. 999 01:00:46,160 --> 01:00:51,360 Because now, like I would say since September, October, I 1000 01:00:51,360 --> 01:00:56,120 think that that's when I had the most intentionality and the most 1001 01:00:56,120 --> 01:00:59,760 clarity on myself because I was able to get a lot of shit off of 1002 01:00:59,760 --> 01:01:01,920 me. For instance, being in a 1003 01:01:01,920 --> 01:01:05,200 monogamous relationship when I myself am a non monogamous 1004 01:01:05,200 --> 01:01:08,680 person. I was in sin in trying to go 1005 01:01:08,680 --> 01:01:11,800 down the path of having a relationship, getting married, 1006 01:01:11,800 --> 01:01:14,200 having a family like the quote Bible says. 1007 01:01:14,520 --> 01:01:18,600 But that was my sin because that's not what aligns for me. 1008 01:01:18,600 --> 01:01:23,200 I was out of alignment in doing that and it took for me to 1009 01:01:23,840 --> 01:01:27,160 practice being in alignment to where I was like uncomfortable 1010 01:01:27,160 --> 01:01:29,560 because it's like this doesn't feel right. 1011 01:01:29,560 --> 01:01:31,640 Why the fuck is everything going well? 1012 01:01:31,640 --> 01:01:36,240 Why is this peaceful? Why is there no conflict? 1013 01:01:36,240 --> 01:01:39,080 There's no inner conflict or inconsistency in my life. 1014 01:01:39,400 --> 01:01:43,960 Oh, it's because what I was taught was not in alignment with 1015 01:01:43,960 --> 01:01:45,680 who I am. There are people that this very 1016 01:01:45,680 --> 01:01:48,440 much that lifestyle does align for. 1017 01:01:48,680 --> 01:01:53,040 And I, I, my hope is that everybody gets what they want 1018 01:01:53,040 --> 01:01:55,480 and that they do what they want and none of what they don't want 1019 01:01:55,480 --> 01:01:58,280 to do. But I was doing a lot of what I 1020 01:01:58,280 --> 01:02:00,800 don't want to do. And herpes taught me that even 1021 01:02:00,800 --> 01:02:03,600 in the sexual relationship that I might have gotten herpes from, 1022 01:02:03,960 --> 01:02:06,400 I did something that I didn't want to do. 1023 01:02:06,600 --> 01:02:09,720 I like to have sex with someone that I knew I didn't want to 1024 01:02:09,720 --> 01:02:13,000 have sex with. And acting out of alignment 1025 01:02:13,280 --> 01:02:16,640 created the circumstances for something to present itself 1026 01:02:16,640 --> 01:02:20,400 where I was able to witness, see and focus on, which was my 1027 01:02:20,400 --> 01:02:22,480 genitals and my ability to have sex. 1028 01:02:22,480 --> 01:02:27,480 Like that was how the God universe or whatever you you 1029 01:02:27,480 --> 01:02:32,360 believe in or don't believe in. That was how my spirituality, my 1030 01:02:32,360 --> 01:02:36,560 identity outside of everything else had to communicate with me. 1031 01:02:36,800 --> 01:02:42,040 Hey, you're out of alignment. Here's get here's the place that 1032 01:02:42,040 --> 01:02:45,840 you need to get to. And the process of getting to 1033 01:02:45,840 --> 01:02:52,160 there has just required me to do things differently and to listen 1034 01:02:52,160 --> 01:02:56,560 to that inner voice and to find what my own rhythm is and be 1035 01:02:56,560 --> 01:03:00,880 guided back to what, you know, some would call God, what yoga 1036 01:03:00,880 --> 01:03:07,320 would call satva, that Sadvik state, and what you know, atomic 1037 01:03:07,320 --> 01:03:11,160 living would call your purpose. Like the sun making its way back 1038 01:03:11,160 --> 01:03:15,160 to turning hydrogen into helium, Courtney making it his way back 1039 01:03:15,160 --> 01:03:20,240 into living within the rhythm of my own alignment, right. 1040 01:03:20,280 --> 01:03:24,000 And I for me. Because beautifully said for me, 1041 01:03:24,000 --> 01:03:26,680 I don't know what I'm supposed to be aligned to right now when 1042 01:03:26,680 --> 01:03:31,560 it comes to relationships. And that's I I've gone through, 1043 01:03:31,640 --> 01:03:35,160 you know, almost 20 years of marriage and, and and 1044 01:03:35,160 --> 01:03:39,400 relationships after that. And I don't I mean, I just was 1045 01:03:39,400 --> 01:03:41,880 taught monogamy. Yes. 1046 01:03:42,400 --> 01:03:45,080 You have a question. I shot my hand up in the air 1047 01:03:45,080 --> 01:03:47,720 when you. Said that because the purpose 1048 01:03:47,720 --> 01:03:50,880 the alignment right? It's not an external thing. 1049 01:03:50,880 --> 01:03:53,680 Remember you mentioned we we talked about reminders. 1050 01:03:53,680 --> 01:03:55,840 Ah fuck. What was the word using R word 1051 01:03:56,080 --> 01:03:58,560 reinforce reinforce? Right. 1052 01:03:58,800 --> 01:04:03,800 So reinforce meaning that it's enforcing again what you already 1053 01:04:03,800 --> 01:04:07,080 know to be true, right? And when we've talked, you 1054 01:04:07,080 --> 01:04:10,040 mentioned the one woman show you mentioned, like getting back 1055 01:04:10,040 --> 01:04:13,960 into your creativity and it's kind of what's your agreement 1056 01:04:13,960 --> 01:04:15,840 with life? The son agreed. 1057 01:04:15,920 --> 01:04:19,000 All right, no other person around. 1058 01:04:19,680 --> 01:04:22,440 My role here is to turn hydrogen to helium. 1059 01:04:22,440 --> 01:04:26,400 And then life was sustained and created in the sense that we 1060 01:04:26,400 --> 01:04:31,120 know it on Earth, making water, the atmosphere, humanity to be 1061 01:04:31,120 --> 01:04:33,320 able to walk on and dwell upon, right? 1062 01:04:33,560 --> 01:04:37,480 Just as long as the sun is able to continue to make hydrogen to 1063 01:04:37,480 --> 01:04:41,920 helium. Your experience, like you're in 1064 01:04:41,920 --> 01:04:45,880 your world. What is your hydrogen and what 1065 01:04:45,880 --> 01:04:47,520 is your helium that you're putting out? 1066 01:04:47,520 --> 01:04:49,160 So essentially what are you creating? 1067 01:04:49,480 --> 01:04:52,360 What is it that you're creating for yourself? 1068 01:04:52,560 --> 01:04:57,480 Because I think I'm creating, I've created am creating what it 1069 01:04:57,480 --> 01:04:59,680 is that I would have needed at the time. 1070 01:05:00,080 --> 01:05:03,480 And this might not be the truest expression of it. 1071 01:05:03,480 --> 01:05:06,800 This is like 1 shell of it that I thought was podcasting, which 1072 01:05:06,800 --> 01:05:09,400 I've been attached to. I thought it was maybe working 1073 01:05:09,400 --> 01:05:11,480 with people with herpes that I was so attached to. 1074 01:05:11,800 --> 01:05:14,600 Next, the transition. The more that I peel back the 1075 01:05:14,600 --> 01:05:17,600 layers of my purpose and, you know, I peel back the layers of 1076 01:05:17,600 --> 01:05:20,720 myself and see what impact I can have. 1077 01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:26,400 It's even gone beyond that and more so into even teaching 1078 01:05:26,400 --> 01:05:30,440 people to have, you know, their own better sex lives or their 1079 01:05:30,440 --> 01:05:32,120 own relationships that they want. 1080 01:05:32,320 --> 01:05:38,200 But I'm learning and talking to you even that there's more to 1081 01:05:38,200 --> 01:05:42,160 this being a reminder for people to have a relationship not with 1082 01:05:42,160 --> 01:05:44,440 themselves, but with life, right? 1083 01:05:44,480 --> 01:05:47,320 Like we should be having, we should be having the best sex we 1084 01:05:47,320 --> 01:05:50,960 want to have ever with life. Not necessarily looking 1085 01:05:50,960 --> 01:05:54,600 exclusively at the body, but what expressions like how are 1086 01:05:54,600 --> 01:05:57,240 you expressing yourself just in the world? 1087 01:05:57,480 --> 01:06:01,080 And the people aligning themselves are being drawn to 1088 01:06:01,080 --> 01:06:03,520 your orbit are going to naturally just present 1089 01:06:03,520 --> 01:06:04,840 themselves. They're going to be fucking 1090 01:06:05,160 --> 01:06:09,240 magnetized to you. So that was what made me shoot 1091 01:06:09,240 --> 01:06:12,080 my hand up was when you were saying like, Oh, I don't know 1092 01:06:12,080 --> 01:06:15,480 what my purpose is and or you said something about I don't 1093 01:06:15,480 --> 01:06:18,440 know what something in relationship is, but the 1094 01:06:18,440 --> 01:06:20,920 relationship, what was it? I don't know. 1095 01:06:20,920 --> 01:06:22,840 I don't know what my purpose. I don't know what my. 1096 01:06:22,840 --> 01:06:26,200 Purpose in relationships are right now like I've I've only 1097 01:06:26,200 --> 01:06:29,680 known monogamy, that's all. So I I don't. 1098 01:06:30,040 --> 01:06:33,880 You know when you hear the term. Non monogamy or polyamorous, 1099 01:06:33,880 --> 01:06:37,040 there's all kinds of things that float through your mind that I, 1100 01:06:37,120 --> 01:06:39,920 I mean, I'll admittedly, I don't know a damn thing about it, so 1101 01:06:40,200 --> 01:06:42,400 I'm not going to make any assumptions about it. 1102 01:06:42,400 --> 01:06:46,120 But I mean, it's, yeah, I think that it's, I don't know what my 1103 01:06:46,120 --> 01:06:49,800 purpose is that in that regard, I don't know where my place 1104 01:06:49,920 --> 01:06:52,680 actually not purpose. I don't know where my place is 1105 01:06:53,280 --> 01:06:56,280 in that realm, Right. But I'm open to try. 1106 01:06:56,280 --> 01:06:59,480 And I don't know, I'd learn more about it and, and just see, 1107 01:06:59,480 --> 01:07:02,160 maybe it's not for me. Maybe I am truly monogamous. 1108 01:07:02,200 --> 01:07:03,400 I don't know. I don't know. 1109 01:07:03,400 --> 01:07:08,280 But all of this is, you know, is what's bubbling up for me. 1110 01:07:08,280 --> 01:07:11,840 So, you know, and then now I've got a shit ton of material to 1111 01:07:11,840 --> 01:07:16,200 write when I get up on stage again, which hopefully will be 1112 01:07:16,200 --> 01:07:19,960 sometime in the next year or so. Yes. 1113 01:07:21,560 --> 01:07:23,600 Can I give away your homework assignment? 1114 01:07:23,600 --> 01:07:25,480 This is this. This is some free game. 1115 01:07:25,640 --> 01:07:26,240 Yeah, yeah. OK. 1116 01:07:26,240 --> 01:07:29,720 So we're remember we were talking about like, what I want, 1117 01:07:29,760 --> 01:07:33,360 Like, what do I want? And we look at, if we don't know 1118 01:07:33,360 --> 01:07:35,920 what we want, look at what we have, right? 1119 01:07:35,960 --> 01:07:40,760 And when we see what it is that we have, we wouldn't continue to 1120 01:07:40,760 --> 01:07:43,480 engage with it if it wasn't what we want. 1121 01:07:43,480 --> 01:07:47,000 But we also may not have had any reason to interrogate that. 1122 01:07:47,320 --> 01:07:50,480 So one of the homework assignments that I gave you was 1123 01:07:50,480 --> 01:07:54,880 to look at what you have and then decide of that, like what 1124 01:07:54,880 --> 01:07:57,920 it is that you don't want or that doesn't serve you so that 1125 01:07:57,920 --> 01:08:02,640 you can consciously choose to not engage with that anymore. 1126 01:08:02,880 --> 01:08:05,040 And I didn't take it to like the next level yet because we'll 1127 01:08:05,040 --> 01:08:06,440 talk about it when we're in session. 1128 01:08:06,440 --> 01:08:09,400 But I think that this is some really good value. 1129 01:08:09,720 --> 01:08:13,720 This is a really valuable exercise for people to get more 1130 01:08:13,720 --> 01:08:17,560 clear around what it is that they not just what you want, but 1131 01:08:17,560 --> 01:08:20,040 who you are because who you are is going to be a direct 1132 01:08:20,040 --> 01:08:24,080 reflection of what you want. And I think that that's really 1133 01:08:24,080 --> 01:08:28,200 what if we look at religion and that's really what neutrally, 1134 01:08:28,200 --> 01:08:33,200 objectively, what it says, be who you are and stay in 1135 01:08:33,200 --> 01:08:36,319 alignment with who you are. And the shortcut to that is 1136 01:08:36,560 --> 01:08:40,880 looking at your actions and asking yourself in a place of 1137 01:08:40,880 --> 01:08:43,640 stillness, like how does this align with what I'm, what I'm 1138 01:08:43,640 --> 01:08:46,560 actually wanting? When you strip away all of that, 1139 01:08:46,560 --> 01:08:49,200 then it's like, OK, well, what do I actually want? 1140 01:08:49,240 --> 01:08:52,840 Like what brings me? How am I expressing myself? 1141 01:08:52,840 --> 01:08:54,600 What do I want to do? You see people that are 1142 01:08:54,600 --> 01:08:58,200 performers, artists and creatives, like they do shit 1143 01:08:58,200 --> 01:09:01,560 that to us may look like expression of their purpose, but 1144 01:09:01,760 --> 01:09:04,760 the reality is that really good actor might be really good at 1145 01:09:04,760 --> 01:09:07,680 acting and they're just doing that so that they can actually 1146 01:09:08,040 --> 01:09:10,520 draw pictures because that's what they enjoy doing. 1147 01:09:10,520 --> 01:09:13,680 Like that's their form of creative expression, right? 1148 01:09:14,240 --> 01:09:18,080 So to be able to connect with and identify the thing that for 1149 01:09:18,080 --> 01:09:24,560 you becomes a reminder of it. It we're we're. 1150 01:09:24,560 --> 01:09:27,399 Reminders to other. People, the more resonant we are 1151 01:09:27,399 --> 01:09:31,720 with what it is that we want to do, the more aligned we are with 1152 01:09:31,720 --> 01:09:36,880 what it is that we give. Whatever we make our God 1153 01:09:36,920 --> 01:09:41,479 aligning with that and expressing from that place right 1154 01:09:41,760 --> 01:09:45,880 in alignment. It allows for you to damn what 1155 01:09:45,880 --> 01:09:50,160 was I had a oh covenant is the one of the words on here. 1156 01:09:50,560 --> 01:09:53,800 And in the biblical sense, it's a sacred agreement between God 1157 01:09:53,800 --> 01:09:57,280 and humanity and yoga. It's sacred intention that 1158 01:09:57,280 --> 01:10:01,520 shapes life and in like the simple atomic terms, it's just 1159 01:10:01,760 --> 01:10:05,280 the intention or contract between what your purpose is or 1160 01:10:05,280 --> 01:10:08,160 your proton and then the electrons right. 1161 01:10:08,160 --> 01:10:12,720 So all of these options of infinite potential negativity 1162 01:10:13,040 --> 01:10:16,960 when we look at and become still and we're like listening to the 1163 01:10:16,960 --> 01:10:21,240 inner voice, which really it may not say, hey, do this thing. 1164 01:10:21,680 --> 01:10:25,520 It's a feeling that we get when the right opportunity presents 1165 01:10:25,520 --> 01:10:27,480 itself. That's the covenant, the 1166 01:10:27,560 --> 01:10:33,160 intention of OK, so this music that's playing from my sense of 1167 01:10:33,160 --> 01:10:37,480 purpose, my what I view as God, it's radiating what's most 1168 01:10:37,480 --> 01:10:41,280 responsive to this. Oh, that's responsive to this. 1169 01:10:41,280 --> 01:10:44,600 Let me bring these together and keep, you know, allow for it to 1170 01:10:44,600 --> 01:10:47,640 be in orbit. And I don't mean it like we 1171 01:10:47,640 --> 01:10:51,480 reach for grab and bring closer. We just recognize and we just 1172 01:10:51,480 --> 01:10:54,680 stabilize in that point to where whatever it is serves its 1173 01:10:54,680 --> 01:11:00,280 purpose as we begin to take we we shape who we are, our 1174 01:11:00,280 --> 01:11:04,600 identity by aligning with that stillness and we see what comes 1175 01:11:04,600 --> 01:11:07,120 into motion. And our job is not to be so 1176 01:11:07,120 --> 01:11:10,880 fucking drawn and attracted to that thing out there that we 1177 01:11:10,880 --> 01:11:13,000 forget about this thing right here. 1178 01:11:13,320 --> 01:11:15,720 And that's really what the the covenant is. 1179 01:11:15,720 --> 01:11:19,840 It's OK like I choose to run something positive for positive 1180 01:11:19,840 --> 01:11:23,840 people and in doing so like that has been historically the 1181 01:11:23,840 --> 01:11:25,680 podcast. It is talking about sexual 1182 01:11:25,680 --> 01:11:29,240 health, It's a yoga therapy and it's all these expressions of 1183 01:11:29,240 --> 01:11:31,960 purpose that have brought themselves into my attention for 1184 01:11:31,960 --> 01:11:35,080 me the neutron to consciously engage with. 1185 01:11:35,480 --> 01:11:40,040 What is that for you? That is the question that I hope 1186 01:11:40,040 --> 01:11:43,400 that people are able to take away from this because when you 1187 01:11:43,400 --> 01:11:46,600 start to live from that place, you start to see that your how 1188 01:11:46,600 --> 01:11:51,080 they reflects more of what aligns for you. 1189 01:11:51,360 --> 01:11:56,720 And that is how we find quote salvation and we protect 1190 01:11:56,720 --> 01:12:01,560 ourselves from sin or just misalignment because that's 1191 01:12:01,560 --> 01:12:04,560 where the suffering is. The suffering is doing in doing 1192 01:12:04,560 --> 01:12:07,840 shit that you don't want to be doing and not doing what you 1193 01:12:07,840 --> 01:12:09,640 want to be doing. That's right. 1194 01:12:09,840 --> 01:12:13,880 And and. You and I have talked about how 1195 01:12:13,880 --> 01:12:17,360 like trusting my gut, trusting my instincts, right? 1196 01:12:17,600 --> 01:12:20,000 Like that's something that I very much need to work on. 1197 01:12:20,000 --> 01:12:21,680 And you just spoke to that, right? 1198 01:12:21,680 --> 01:12:23,400 It's that union, it's that connection. 1199 01:12:23,840 --> 01:12:27,640 And what popped into my head was I had a my mentor, my theater 1200 01:12:27,640 --> 01:12:31,400 mentor who we just lost last year, my mentor for 30 years, my 1201 01:12:31,400 --> 01:12:36,440 first acting class that I ever I ever took, it was Meisner 1202 01:12:36,440 --> 01:12:38,840 technique. Anyway, I remember him telling 1203 01:12:38,840 --> 01:12:43,040 me if you would just get out of your own way you'd be fine. 1204 01:12:45,280 --> 01:12:50,560 And and that has stuck with me. For my entire life, if you would 1205 01:12:50,560 --> 01:12:53,880 just get out of your own way, you would be fine. 1206 01:12:53,880 --> 01:12:57,280 And it's like if there was a scene on stage that, you know, 1207 01:12:57,280 --> 01:13:00,200 where there was something intimate or there was kissing or 1208 01:13:00,200 --> 01:13:03,120 something out, like I was like, I don't know if I can do it, you 1209 01:13:03,120 --> 01:13:04,800 know, And he's like, you've got it. 1210 01:13:04,800 --> 01:13:07,400 You're you're, you're stepping in your own path. 1211 01:13:07,400 --> 01:13:10,360 You're stepping in your own way. You're, you're building your own 1212 01:13:10,360 --> 01:13:13,160 brick wall. And so you're compromising your 1213 01:13:13,160 --> 01:13:15,840 authenticity. And if you would just get out of 1214 01:13:15,840 --> 01:13:18,760 your own way about it, then you would be just fine. 1215 01:13:19,040 --> 01:13:22,040 And I think that that's, that's what you just spoke to, right? 1216 01:13:22,040 --> 01:13:27,280 Is being able to to connect the internal with the external and, 1217 01:13:27,280 --> 01:13:28,880 and that covenant and that union. 1218 01:13:28,880 --> 01:13:32,520 And that's ultimately how you live an authentic life in 1219 01:13:32,520 --> 01:13:35,880 alignment. And yeah, I mean, that's the 1220 01:13:35,880 --> 01:13:39,320 goal for me. And I, I don't think I would 1221 01:13:39,320 --> 01:13:43,680 have ever gotten to this space if if I hadn't had this huge 1222 01:13:43,760 --> 01:13:46,640 curveball thrown at me called herpes. 1223 01:13:47,240 --> 01:13:50,560 So that's my left. That's, that's my, that's my 1224 01:13:50,560 --> 01:13:53,120 universal lesson. I, I needed this to happen to me 1225 01:13:53,120 --> 01:13:55,840 because this is where I need to be sitting right now on this 1226 01:13:55,840 --> 01:13:57,600 day, having this conversation with you. 1227 01:13:57,960 --> 01:14:01,560 And that would have never happened had I not in my mind, 1228 01:14:01,560 --> 01:14:05,040 made a bad choice, you know, But it it, it actually was the right 1229 01:14:05,040 --> 01:14:09,720 choice because it led me to this so, well, let's not say bad 1230 01:14:09,800 --> 01:14:12,480 choice, right? It was a choice that I didn't, 1231 01:14:12,800 --> 01:14:15,000 right? It was a a choice out of 1232 01:14:15,000 --> 01:14:17,480 alignment. Right, because you said, you 1233 01:14:17,480 --> 01:14:21,600 said to yourself that like you had things that set you off or 1234 01:14:21,600 --> 01:14:25,240 you didn't listen to your intuition about not moving 1235 01:14:25,240 --> 01:14:27,040 forward with this person, Super duper. 1236 01:14:27,040 --> 01:14:30,680 First off, any grown man who says super duper to another 1237 01:14:30,680 --> 01:14:35,840 grown individual is probably that that's something that I, 1238 01:14:36,480 --> 01:14:41,200 yeah, like super duper. No, God, in hindsight I'm like, 1239 01:14:41,200 --> 01:14:42,320 what was I? Thinking. 1240 01:14:43,120 --> 01:14:46,080 I mean, I was thinking. Always. 1241 01:14:46,080 --> 01:14:47,800 Tell people you know. I'd rather it have been this. 1242 01:14:47,800 --> 01:14:51,560 Because I got this before and and I learned that I might have 1243 01:14:51,560 --> 01:14:54,640 been at the line for becoming pre diabetic. 1244 01:14:54,920 --> 01:14:56,600 Oh yeah, I remember. And that, yeah. 1245 01:14:56,600 --> 01:14:59,440 This like I. Would much rather have to deal 1246 01:14:59,440 --> 01:15:03,240 with the things that I deal with with herpes rejection and maybe, 1247 01:15:03,560 --> 01:15:05,280 you know, somebody not wanting to have sex with me. 1248 01:15:05,280 --> 01:15:08,560 All right, cool. Than the issues that I 1249 01:15:08,560 --> 01:15:11,120 understand to come with being diabetic, I know that the 1250 01:15:11,120 --> 01:15:13,560 medication is very expensive. I haven't had health insurance. 1251 01:15:14,000 --> 01:15:15,640 Shout out to me for now having it. 1252 01:15:15,640 --> 01:15:17,480 I do have health insurance now, yay. 1253 01:15:18,880 --> 01:15:22,360 But I got one that works because when I first started working for 1254 01:15:22,360 --> 01:15:25,720 myself, these people were like, yeah, it's $300 every two weeks. 1255 01:15:26,000 --> 01:15:28,680 And it's like, bro, I don't even make that because I was 1256 01:15:28,720 --> 01:15:30,800 self-employed through the nonprofit. 1257 01:15:31,240 --> 01:15:34,400 And when I needed it, I couldn't even use it because I needed 1258 01:15:34,400 --> 01:15:36,360 something preventive. I was just like, oh, I want to 1259 01:15:36,360 --> 01:15:38,720 go get STD testing. And they were like, oh, that'll 1260 01:15:38,720 --> 01:15:40,120 be this much money out of pocket. 1261 01:15:40,120 --> 01:15:42,360 I was like, yeah, we're done here. 1262 01:15:42,440 --> 01:15:43,600 We're done. So I haven't. 1263 01:15:44,080 --> 01:15:48,080 I had health issues for about 3 years, and I've been living so 1264 01:15:48,080 --> 01:15:51,560 cautiously. Now that it started back up, I'm 1265 01:15:51,560 --> 01:15:53,440 about to start lifting heavy in the gym again. 1266 01:15:53,440 --> 01:15:55,360 I might do intramural sports. Yeah. 1267 01:15:58,200 --> 01:16:02,840 But it yeah. I know that, you know, we 1268 01:16:02,840 --> 01:16:04,920 scheduled an hour here. We are like an hour and 20 1269 01:16:04,920 --> 01:16:07,240 minutes in. So I want to be very mindful of 1270 01:16:07,240 --> 01:16:09,160 your time. And I just want to ask, like, is 1271 01:16:09,160 --> 01:16:13,840 there anything that you want to leave people with before I let 1272 01:16:13,840 --> 01:16:21,480 you go? I, I mean, I think we've shared 1273 01:16:21,480 --> 01:16:28,120 a lot, we've said a lot. I would just say that it's 1274 01:16:28,240 --> 01:16:32,600 always a really positive thing to just be able to to pause in a 1275 01:16:32,600 --> 01:16:39,400 moment and listen to yourself and not, not ignore the things 1276 01:16:39,400 --> 01:16:45,320 that are coming up for you and and remain open to any 1277 01:16:45,320 --> 01:16:51,120 situation, as hard as it may be that, you know, comes into your 1278 01:16:51,120 --> 01:16:54,520 life because you you never know what purpose it's going to 1279 01:16:54,520 --> 01:16:58,120 serve. And it could be so incredibly 1280 01:16:58,120 --> 01:17:02,360 painful in the moment. But when you come out the other 1281 01:17:02,360 --> 01:17:06,440 side of it, depending on the choice that you make, it could 1282 01:17:06,440 --> 01:17:08,960 be the greatest lesson you've ever learned. 1283 01:17:09,360 --> 01:17:11,760 So just stay open, I guess is what I would want to leave 1284 01:17:11,760 --> 01:17:12,360 people with. OK. 1285 01:17:13,880 --> 01:17:16,080 Yeah. Thank you. 1286 01:17:16,760 --> 01:17:20,200 Thank you. Last thing I was going to talk 1287 01:17:20,200 --> 01:17:23,240 about the support groups, but if you have anything that you want 1288 01:17:23,240 --> 01:17:28,480 to share in your experience with the support groups, like what 1289 01:17:28,520 --> 01:17:31,040 you got? Yeah, I. 1290 01:17:32,240 --> 01:17:34,840 I it is a space that I look forward to. 1291 01:17:34,880 --> 01:17:38,200 It's on my calendar as far out as it possibly can be. 1292 01:17:38,200 --> 01:17:44,240 Like I clear everything because it's it's my time and what I get 1293 01:17:44,240 --> 01:17:48,760 out of it is community. And you know, to put it in your 1294 01:17:48,760 --> 01:17:52,520 words, common unity. I've never had that community. 1295 01:17:52,520 --> 01:17:57,240 And this it's it's weird because it's you're a man facilitating a 1296 01:17:57,240 --> 01:18:01,320 woman's group, right? And that I would that is so 1297 01:18:01,320 --> 01:18:05,440 special to me. And that is huge because there's 1298 01:18:05,760 --> 01:18:11,320 you're so good at facilitating a conversation and knowing what 1299 01:18:11,320 --> 01:18:14,320 the limit like, what your limitations are and what like 1300 01:18:14,320 --> 01:18:17,200 what we need. And it's such a special space 1301 01:18:17,200 --> 01:18:21,800 for me that I would encourage anybody to to give it a shot. 1302 01:18:23,120 --> 01:18:25,120 I know the guys haven't. Been showing up. 1303 01:18:25,320 --> 01:18:30,040 But I mean, it's, it's, it's such a, it's such a very special 1304 01:18:30,240 --> 01:18:37,280 place where you can just listen and feel heard and find 1305 01:18:37,280 --> 01:18:41,800 commonality with all different walks of life, all different 1306 01:18:41,800 --> 01:18:44,240 people, all different shapes, all different colors. 1307 01:18:44,240 --> 01:18:46,480 They come from all different places where all different ages. 1308 01:18:47,000 --> 01:18:49,640 And that's a really beautiful thing that you've created. 1309 01:18:50,280 --> 01:18:54,320 And that's really what I get out of it is I'm able to share 1310 01:18:54,320 --> 01:18:57,120 what's going on and more importantly for me to listen. 1311 01:18:57,960 --> 01:19:00,360 And it's a space where I feel comfortable. 1312 01:19:00,920 --> 01:19:05,320 Like I said, I haven't discussed this with, with many people too 1313 01:19:05,440 --> 01:19:07,640 actually, and one stranger yesterday, which was very 1314 01:19:07,640 --> 01:19:11,400 interesting. But I know that when that group, 1315 01:19:11,560 --> 01:19:16,120 that group comes up, I'm like, I'm in my, I have my yoga mat 1316 01:19:16,120 --> 01:19:17,520 out. I got my incense going and I 1317 01:19:17,520 --> 01:19:20,400 know I'm going to meet up with these really amazing people. 1318 01:19:20,400 --> 01:19:25,400 And I think about these people and I'm starting to know them by 1319 01:19:25,400 --> 01:19:28,320 name and I remember their stories and, and I know that 1320 01:19:28,400 --> 01:19:32,040 they know my name and they remember my stories and it's 1321 01:19:32,080 --> 01:19:35,280 just a really special place. It's hard for me to, it's hard 1322 01:19:35,280 --> 01:19:40,320 for me to like put into words, But what I get out of it is I 1323 01:19:40,320 --> 01:19:45,200 get, I just get a sense of peace that I'm not alone, I think is 1324 01:19:45,200 --> 01:19:49,040 probably the biggest thing. So yay. 1325 01:19:49,240 --> 01:19:51,520 Yeah, that sells it so. You can visit the. 1326 01:19:51,520 --> 01:19:56,400 Supportgroupstab@spfpp.org The Women's Support Group meets 1st 1327 01:19:56,400 --> 01:19:59,240 and 3rd Monday, 7:30 PM Eastern Time. 1328 01:19:59,240 --> 01:20:02,000 If anything needs to change and you're on the e-mail list, you 1329 01:20:02,000 --> 01:20:05,600 will find out about that as. Much of an advance notices I can 1330 01:20:05,600 --> 01:20:07,720 give. The men's group meets on the 2nd 1331 01:20:07,720 --> 01:20:09,960 and 4th Monday, 7:30 PM Eastern Time. 1332 01:20:09,960 --> 01:20:14,000 And on the 5th Monday, if there is one, we'll have a Coed 1333 01:20:14,000 --> 01:20:17,920 blended experience. I can't speak to exactly what 1334 01:20:17,920 --> 01:20:19,560 that'll look like. Yeah, I can't wait. 1335 01:20:19,560 --> 01:20:24,040 I'm so sorry about. Yeah, I, I, I we'll, we'll see. 1336 01:20:24,040 --> 01:20:27,560 We'll see because we got two more men's groups, so I'm going 1337 01:20:27,560 --> 01:20:30,520 to push that for the next couple of weeks and see how many people 1338 01:20:30,520 --> 01:20:34,600 we can get to show up to that. But the ladies show up and ours 1339 01:20:34,600 --> 01:20:36,640 is December 11th, right? The next one is on. 1340 01:20:37,080 --> 01:20:40,640 On Thursday, right, OK, Yeah, So if you're hearing this and it'll 1341 01:20:40,640 --> 01:20:43,400 be. Tuesday, December 9th, the next 1342 01:20:43,440 --> 01:20:46,200 herpes support group for women is going to actually be on 1343 01:20:46,200 --> 01:20:51,240 Thursday, December 11th, 2025. So, and I know that somebody can 1344 01:20:51,240 --> 01:20:54,000 listen to this years down the road, I don't want you to be 1345 01:20:54,000 --> 01:20:56,440 disappointed, but as long as there are support groups, you'll 1346 01:20:56,440 --> 01:21:00,960 be able to find it at www.spfpp.org. 1347 01:21:02,480 --> 01:21:08,720 We still have the survey taking responses SP fpp.org/herpes Dash 1348 01:21:08,720 --> 01:21:11,520 survey. And yeah, we, we need more 1349 01:21:11,520 --> 01:21:15,360 responses than we have. I, I'm, it's so odd to me that I 1350 01:21:15,680 --> 01:21:18,640 didn't put any effort into a survey that I put together in 1351 01:21:18,640 --> 01:21:20,320 2021. I had no help. 1352 01:21:20,320 --> 01:21:22,840 It was just me asking the questions that I want to answer 1353 01:21:22,840 --> 01:21:25,080 to. We got 1100 responses. 1354 01:21:25,400 --> 01:21:29,360 Then, you know, I get IRB approval, I get people a 1355 01:21:29,560 --> 01:21:32,840 proofread. I got data analyst to help me 1356 01:21:33,120 --> 01:21:36,920 and I think we might have it's like 70 something responses and 1357 01:21:36,920 --> 01:21:38,920 I'm like, damn. And and this has been up for a 1358 01:21:38,920 --> 01:21:41,400 minute and I've been talking about it on the podcast. 1359 01:21:41,960 --> 01:21:43,840 Thank you. Thank you so much. 1360 01:21:43,840 --> 01:21:47,360 Thank you. And I'm just like, damn, like 1361 01:21:47,360 --> 01:21:50,680 what? I maybe it's because I put so 1362 01:21:50,680 --> 01:21:55,160 much love and and presence into the 2021 survey and this time, 1363 01:21:55,160 --> 01:21:57,960 like I put the professionalism into, I was like, Hey, y'all, 1364 01:21:57,960 --> 01:22:00,240 the professionals, what do y'all need from me? 1365 01:22:00,240 --> 01:22:02,480 I'm gonna give it to y'all. And now like it's it. 1366 01:22:02,480 --> 01:22:04,760 We can actually run reports and shit. 1367 01:22:04,760 --> 01:22:09,360 We can see what age, what race sex, like we can set these 1368 01:22:09,360 --> 01:22:12,800 filters and pull that information and get statistics. 1369 01:22:12,800 --> 01:22:15,720 So we have the ability to get this great information, but we 1370 01:22:15,720 --> 01:22:18,120 don't have enough a good enough sample size. 1371 01:22:18,120 --> 01:22:21,280 How many actual size? What sample size do you want? 1372 01:22:21,560 --> 01:22:23,640 It's we can get up. To however many but I. 1373 01:22:23,640 --> 01:22:27,400 Was thinking that at least we'd have 1000 people by now. 1374 01:22:28,040 --> 01:22:29,920 There's nothing. Yeah, I think. 1375 01:22:29,920 --> 01:22:33,000 Over a very short period and in 2021, the algorithm was 1376 01:22:33,000 --> 01:22:35,560 different. More of my content was shown to 1377 01:22:35,560 --> 01:22:39,080 people than it is now. Like I'll post a story to my 1378 01:22:39,080 --> 01:22:41,920 Instagram story and maybe like 40 people who see it right now. 1379 01:22:42,280 --> 01:22:47,080 And in the past, it's been hundreds at least of people that 1380 01:22:47,080 --> 01:22:49,920 would see, oh, OK, Courtney's got a survey and then people 1381 01:22:49,920 --> 01:22:51,280 would see it shared and everything. 1382 01:22:51,280 --> 01:22:54,680 So even as I'm closing out the podcast, I'm, I'm leaning 1383 01:22:54,680 --> 01:22:58,240 towards just not really utilizing social media either 1384 01:22:58,520 --> 01:23:02,400 because people are finding the website and I want to do more of 1385 01:23:02,400 --> 01:23:04,240 that. And I want to be more hands on 1386 01:23:04,240 --> 01:23:06,840 with the support groups and being able to bring more 1387 01:23:06,840 --> 01:23:09,640 offerings to the people who are here and invested and they do 1388 01:23:09,640 --> 01:23:12,000 more of the speaking opportunities. 1389 01:23:12,000 --> 01:23:17,760 I've stopped applying for grants and I have a huge, huge donation 1390 01:23:17,760 --> 01:23:22,320 coming that's going to support me in creating examples of what 1391 01:23:22,320 --> 01:23:24,640 it's like to talk about sexual health with partners. 1392 01:23:24,640 --> 01:23:29,520 To be able to hire actors and to be able to create the videos to 1393 01:23:29,520 --> 01:23:33,160 where maybe you see someone on a date and they get to the point 1394 01:23:33,160 --> 01:23:35,320 where they're finishing their food and somebody's like, hey, 1395 01:23:35,320 --> 01:23:37,120 let's get up out here and go back to my place. 1396 01:23:37,200 --> 01:23:40,680 And them having that conversation there, them having 1397 01:23:40,680 --> 01:23:44,120 a conversation maybe when clothes are on or clothes are 1398 01:23:44,120 --> 01:23:46,880 off, or maybe they're like getting up out of the bed the 1399 01:23:46,880 --> 01:23:50,960 next morning and someone has like, I should tell them one of 1400 01:23:50,960 --> 01:23:52,800 those moments. So I want to be able to create 1401 01:23:52,800 --> 01:23:54,760 these scenarios for people to see real time. 1402 01:23:54,760 --> 01:23:58,240 Hey, here's what this can look like so that they have the 1403 01:23:58,240 --> 01:24:00,400 option of being able to move forward how they want to. 1404 01:24:00,840 --> 01:24:02,880 And that's invaluable. Your work is invaluable it. 1405 01:24:02,880 --> 01:24:04,720 Really is. So thank you for doing it and 1406 01:24:05,200 --> 01:24:09,840 keep, keep, keep it up, please. Yeah, All right, y'all. 1407 01:24:09,840 --> 01:24:12,120 So that concludes this episode of something positive for 1408 01:24:12,120 --> 01:24:14,800 positive people. Please still like rate, review, 1409 01:24:14,800 --> 01:24:16,800 share, subscribe to this podcast. 1410 01:24:17,120 --> 01:24:19,600 I don't know if there's going to be a season 2. 1411 01:24:19,600 --> 01:24:23,280 I know that at this point, like I feel the most complete with 1412 01:24:23,280 --> 01:24:27,720 the podcast and it's it's time to move forward to other things. 1413 01:24:28,480 --> 01:24:31,920 I don't know what episode 400 is gonna be about now that I know 1414 01:24:31,920 --> 01:24:34,960 that this one is more of that. No, we. 1415 01:24:34,960 --> 01:24:36,640 Good. I think that this was better 1416 01:24:36,640 --> 01:24:39,920 than me just talking at the audience about this cuz I would 1417 01:24:40,040 --> 01:24:42,880 probably have made this a 2 hour podcast episode of just me 1418 01:24:42,880 --> 01:24:45,600 talking easily. So I don't know, I'll probably 1419 01:24:45,600 --> 01:24:49,880 do something else. But yeah, my gratitude to you 1420 01:24:49,880 --> 01:24:51,920 for being a guest. My gratitude to all the guests 1421 01:24:51,920 --> 01:24:55,680 that I've had and for all the support that I've been getting 1422 01:24:55,680 --> 01:24:59,320 and the people who will maybe hear this and decide, damn, you 1423 01:24:59,320 --> 01:25:02,840 know, I want to talk more about God or spirituality or the 1424 01:25:02,840 --> 01:25:08,680 universe or even atheism, right? Like whatever background you 1425 01:25:08,680 --> 01:25:12,080 have, let's let's talk about it because I think that the atomic 1426 01:25:12,080 --> 01:25:16,760 living is a fit for it's like the raw material, the raw 1427 01:25:16,760 --> 01:25:21,400 language of all of what we would consider to be religion, whether 1428 01:25:21,400 --> 01:25:25,600 it be the Bible or from yoga or like in my case, I say like 1429 01:25:25,640 --> 01:25:29,680 anime for me has given me what I think the Bible might have been 1430 01:25:29,680 --> 01:25:33,320 useful for, which is just a guide on how to live a whole 1431 01:25:33,320 --> 01:25:36,720 life and how to experience heaven while we're here in this 1432 01:25:36,720 --> 01:25:38,720 phase. So the more of us that we can 1433 01:25:38,720 --> 01:25:42,480 get to that place, I think the the happier I think we'll have a 1434 01:25:42,480 --> 01:25:45,440 world and the more peace that we'll experience collectively. 1435 01:25:46,000 --> 01:25:47,720 So I'm doing that through herpes baby. 1436 01:25:47,720 --> 01:25:53,680 Let's go. All right, All right y'all Till 1437 01:25:53,680 --> 01:25:59,120 the next episode which will be 400 stay present.