Welcome to something positive for positive people.
I'm Courtney Brain. Something positive for positive
people is A5O1C3 nonprofit organization supporting people
navigating herpes stigma do so in a variety of ways from
support groups to support calls to utilizing yoga therapy to
assist people through what their feelings are around stigma.
I'm a yoga therapist in training at the time of this recording,
which is December 7th, 2025. Gotta make that disclaimer.
But I'll be done in 2026 like oh bless.
And then I'll be yoga therapist, right?
For those who don't know, if you are in the New York City area or
able to make it out, December 12th, which is a Friday, we have
a karaoke party from 5:00 PM to 9:00 PM that you can register
for it SP fpp.org. This is going to be a
celebration of. I thought it was going to be the
celebration of the 400th podcast episode, which is how it's
marketed. But I decided over the last
couple of weeks that this will be the last podcast episode,
Episode 400, there's the podcast itself isn't going anywhere.
So if you're new here, those episodes carry a lot of value.
And if you want, you can listen to those.
But I think that it's been more efficient lately to do more
community engagement, trying to get people to join the support
groups, do more stuff with the website, and trying to put
together things where people get the practice of exercising what
it is that they learn from the podcast.
So the podcast can serve as a library of just having your
perspective expanded to where you get to a place and maybe you
want to integrate some of the stuff that you've learned and
put it into practice by engaging with other people who are more
so looking to learn from stigma and move forward.
All right, so today we have a guest.
This is my last, my last guest at least reason.
I don't want to say that, you know, this is the end of the
podcast. It's just I the 5:00-ish hours
that go into this per week. Freeing that up does allow for
me to do more of what's working. I've been having a lot of
support calls lately where people are like, yeah, I just
found you on the on Google or on ChatGPT and I didn't even know
you had a podcast. I'm like, oh, OK, maybe now's
the time to transition and do more of the things that are
bringing people in and bringing people together than just trying
to end. Finding guests has been a
challenge lately, so I'm glad I was able to get you on here.
And my last two guests, these are people that came after me
like crying and pleading, like, hey, I need guests.
I'm running out of shit to talk about.
So thank you for being here, Mr. Having Me.
Thank you. Let's start with letting you
introduce yourself and then you can share a little bit about how
you and I connected and we'll go from there.
Sure my name is Leah. I'm in the Midwest Chicago
actually. And I'm really grateful to you,
Courtney, for having me here to share my my experience with my
recent diagnosis of genital herpes HSV 2.
So I was diagnosed in September, about mid-september.
And like, I think anyone who gets diagnosed with something
that they don't necessarily know a lot about, you hop on Google
and you were the first thing that came up.
And I'm always a researcher. So I looked into your website.
I scheduled a support call. And since then I've been a part
of your women's support group and we're doing some yoga
therapy together, so. Yeah, yeah.
So I, I, while I want to like talk about all of the fun stuff
of the support groups in the yoga therapy, I want to jump
right into what happened because you are not connected.
I'll let you Share your story and then I'll speak a little bit
to like what my observations were.
And then I mean, maybe at some point we can talk about like
what you're getting out of yoga therapy and support groups.
But let's let's go ahead and get into your story because I think
a lot of people will be able to resonate with this particular
thing. And then we can kind of use this
as a little bit of an out loud teaching tool for people who
might be going through this experience to get through the
bullshit where you might have been headed emotionally had you
not allowed yourself to connect with me and for us to talk
through that. Yeah, definitely.
So I have always been monogamous in terms of sex and
relationships and this past I would say August.
It had been a while since I had dated anyone.
I thought it was time to dip my toe back in the water.
I met someone. Can I ask you something?
Yes. Are you reading something?
No. Oh, all right.
I saw you looking down. I thought you were like reading
from notes. I was like, wait a minute.
Did you? I'll.
Take my glasses off. I just want to be able to see
you so you're not blurry, but that's OK I'll tell.
You all right? All right?
No, no, no, you're fine. You're fine.
I just was curious because I was like, wait a minute.
Did you? No.
No, no, I would never do. I was journaling before you came
on. So that's I still have my
journal open anyway, so met somebody in August, went out on
a couple dates. On the third date, you know,
there was a lot of chemistry, a lot of physical attraction.
So it became a a sex situation and should have had a
conversation before we had our clothes off but didn't.
But I asked him if he had protection and he said I'm super
duper clean, which now I know is pretty much a red flag.
Super duper, duper. Not even just clean, super duper
clean. And I at that point, you know,
felt like, well, we're already here, we're already in bed,
we're already naked, might as well just, you know, whatever.
And, and that ended up being a pretty big mistake for me
because I was I was with him that that time I was with him a
second time a week later. And then the day after that
second time that we had been together, I started feeling like
I had a UTI. And so it got progressively
worse and worse. And so two days later I went to
an emergency care and I asked for an STISTI testing.
And it's interesting because they just did like a urine
sample or whatever. And I, they said, well, you just
have a UTI. And I knew, I knew it was
something more than a UTI and, and I had never had an STI
before. So I was really scared and I
said no, Did you test for everything?
Everything, everything, everything.
And they said, well, no. And I said, well, that's what I
asked for. So I had to advocate that ended
up getting me tested for everything.
And then the next day I got my, I got my results and called one
of my best friends and shared with her.
And the long and the long and short of it is, is this is
somebody who had herpes. He knew he had it and I was,
there's this page. And I don't, I don't like these
things. But are we dating the same guy?
Are we dating the same? Whatever.
And I, I just don't, well, I didn't at the time like that
type of thing because I feel like everybody deserves a chance
at who they are. And just because you didn't jive
with one person doesn't mean you're not going to get along
with another. Anyway so my after I told my
friend she told me that this guy had been posted and that
somebody had shared that he had given her.
She couldn't say herpes online because her post would have been
taken down. But she said if anybody you know
has had any bad experience with him health wise to please reach
out to her. So I DM Ed her and we ended up
talking and she got it from him three years ago and I don't even
know how many other women he's been with but it was pretty much
the same story that happened to her that happened to me.
I'm so sorry I'll go get tested. I had no idea it couldn't be me
and I don't have multiple partners at once.
And it had been probably a good six months since I'd had sex
with anybody. So I knew it was him because I
get tested after each partner. So anyway, that led to a lot of
anger on my part. And I remember I was sitting in
my backyard on my patio and when we had our support call and it
was like my finger was in a light socket.
I was so and this and that and this and that.
And he did this and I was like, I was all very much worked up
and very much in a, in an angry, angry, resentful, bitter space.
But after that call with you, you said, I remember you said
something that I think pretty much changed or started the
change in my mindset. And that was I said, I pride
myself on being a non judgmental person.
And so I was trying to give him a chance.
And you said, well, why is judgment such a bad thing?
And I had never because I think judgment when you say you're
judging someone, it has a negative connotation.
But what you said was judgment is a, is a means and a way to
protect yourself. And I'd never thought of it that
way. So it's sort of that call set me
on this journey of really thinking about where I am right
now and, and what I am open to learning about.
And I am in a much different space right now.
I'm actually, I think having a herpes diagnosis has been one of
the greatest lessons of my life. And I also think that I always
believe that the universe brings you things that you need to
learn and there's a lesson and a reason for everything.
And you may not understand it at the time, but eventually that'll
be revealed. And as I've gone through this
journey for the past 2 1/2 months, it's being revealed to
me that really what, what my work is that I need to do is I
need to work on myself. I need to work on my
communication. I need to, I need to be able to
ask for what I want and say, you know what, not really
interested. And that's OK.
So that's the work that I'm kind of doing right now.
So it's, it's been a blessing. It really has, which I never
thought 1000 years I'd say, but it it really has so.
That's such a common phrase among the support groups and
resources that are out there for people with herpes is that this
has been a blessing. And people are so resistant to
hearing that. If you see that too soon because
you're like, how can this be a blessing?
My sex life is over. And we look at it, when we look
at it exclusively from a sexual perspective, yes, that is the
case. Because now it's like the
perception that you had about herpes and people who have it
prior to your diabetes is now on you.
And that's, that's it. That's who you are.
You're that person now. And we don't give ourselves the
opportunity to have it reflected back to us in any other format,
any other way, because we also don't want to, sorry.
We also don't want to give people that power over us.
We don't want to tell people. So to find somebody that you can
just express yourself with. I speak to identity validation,
right? The judgment, the, your
perception of judgment being such a bad thing.
I think looking at that as a reflection point of identity,
right? Who you are is you're someone
who in that moment was trying not to be who you are or who you
needed to be, right? If you're resisting being a
judgmental person, let's lean into that resistance.
It's there for some kind of a reason.
And the reason is typically what you assign meaning to for sure,
if you are willing to investigate it.
And so yeah, like I'm glad that that was a statement that was
able to help you get through that or go on the road that you
went down. Because when we talked, there
was a lot of high energy and, and yoga.
We we talked about the gunas. And these are the three states
of being things have tamas state, which is like in
stillness, rajas in motion and Satva, which is like balance.
And you were very rajas, lots of fire, lots of heat and lots of
just you were ready to take action.
And another observation was OK, you, this person did this to you
and you wanted, you wanted something.
And I think one of the things I might have asked you is what do
you get out of this? What, what is it that you're
going to get out of this? What do you want?
What outcome do you want by protecting or saving other women
from this when if he's been doing this for at least three
years, what makes you think you going to be the one to to stop
him from doing anything? And that was really a way for me
to bring you into a more grounded state of taking that
energy that you're putting out there into him and allow for
yourself to settle in to see what you can do with that for
yourself. And then after you're more
grounded, maybe later you decide, oh, this is the aligned
action that I need to take for myself or for the greater good,
or this is what the moment calls for, right?
So it is is long term looking at it from that perspective.
I know we haven't talked about it or him in a while.
It's been mostly on you. And I'm curious to know with
that, has your perspective changed on between like I need
to do something about this and now?
If So, what is it? That's a tricky question.
I I'm in such a space right now. I actually feel really sorry for
him, to be honest. And that's I, I have a lot of
like sadness for him that he doesn't feel like he can have a
conversation or a discussion that he feels like he has to.
I see what you did there. You.
See what I did? Not the bad deal.
I, I feel really sorry for him because it must be a really
empty, lonely existence to have to be that way.
So what do I want to do right now?
I, I cannot save everyone. I the CDC, I learned from my
gynecologist doesn't even care about tracking herpes, which is
crazy to me. But I think what do I want to do
now is I want to I just, it's about me.
Sorry I'm being selfish. I don't, I, I mean, that's just
the space that I'm in right now is I, I want to take this and do
what I need to do for me and eventually, hopefully be able to
provide support to other people who have gone through a similar
experience. Because in many ways, my, I
didn't, my, my choice was taken away, right?
I didn't, I didn't consent to this.
And who knows, like if he had just been honest with me, we
could have had a conversation and you know, I, I might have
still had sex with him. I don't know.
But he, he took that away from me.
And I think that's probably what makes me the most angry.
So yeah, I think, I think I'm in a space of, of pouring it into
myself right now. But eventually I want to, I want
to pour it into other places and, and be a good listening ear
for someone because I know that that's what really helps me is
just for, for people to listen. So.
And you spoke to choice. Choice is such a powerful word
there because someone did this to him, I'm sure.
And you know, some of us, when we are unwilling to look at
this, that's all we know. That's all we do.
And it's a matter of, well, this was done to me, so I need to do
this to other people or this is the way to go.
And that's the kind of person who just doesn't have options.
A lot of suffering is caused by ignorance and ignorance and a
sense of just not knowing, knowing any different, not
knowing any better, but also an unwillingness to learn better
and do better because you, you know to a certain extent when or
if or how you're causing harm. So to just blatantly go out and
do the things to people in a pattern, right at that point,
that's just who you are until you're willing to go into that
and engage and then like, get out of that.
And, you know, I'm sorry that this was your experience.
And I'd like to look at things that happened to us as
opportunities for something more healing to happen through US.
Like we're thrown in this world and we we get shit sticking to
us. And then when we recognize, huh,
then there's this shit on me. Oh, there's all this shit on me.
Like we begin to remove what we can remove.
And we get help from the world around us, people, communities,
places, events that help us reach the areas that we we
can't, our blind spots. And in doing so, we create this
more clear picture of who we've become in reference to that.
And as we remove the shit, some of it has shaped who we are and
we're able to allow ourselves to go out into the world and let
the world reflect back to us what this new and evolved
version of ourselves is. Without that gunk of shit that
we've accumulated. This experience being some of
that gunk that maybe has calcified.
And now your willingness to look at it, being taken to action of
reaching out for a support call, being willing to go into yoga
therapy, showing up to the support groups, right?
These are ways where you're able to help get some of that stuff
off of you that you might not be able to reach yourself.
Yeah. And I, yeah, that's very well
said, actually very beautifully said.
And I think the last time we met, something, another thing,
many things that you've said have stuck with me, but this
stuck out from the last time that that we met.
And that was that my outer world is a reflection of my inner
world. And that's something that I've
always struggled with, like what's inside of me and who I am
inside of me and how that's being reflected in the world
around me. So if I have certain thoughts
and ideas about myself that perhaps are not the most
positive things about me, then that's kind of what is going to
be reflected back to me. And that if I'm understanding it
correctly, hopefully I'm understanding it correctly, but
that's, that's, that was really powerful me powerful for me to,
to stop and think about that because I think we all have
negative chatter that we hear sometimes and mine can be a
little louder than normal. But this, this diagnosis has
really helped me kind of talk back to that voice and just kind
of tell her to shut up and, you know, like not be so critical
and not be so judgmental of me, right?
I don't want to be judgmental to other people because I judge
myself a lot. And there's two different
judgments going on there that I'm now able to articulate a
little bit more. So that's been very helpful.
Yeah, so I'm going to go ahead and do a spoiler alert, my 400th
podcast episode. The original intention was to
title it What Herpes Taught Me about God, and I'm finding that
more spiritual conversations are being had or most downloaded
podcast episode I thought would be the episode I did with Doctor
Evelyn Dacker on how to talk about your herpes status and
diagnosis with somebody. It's actually episode 112 or
116, which is the spiritual significance of herpes.
And I was very shocked to see that because I googled herpes of
spirituality and this is the first podcast episode that
popped up or the first thing. That popped up and I was like,
interesting. And so there's, there's so much
to be said for the spirituality component, right?
And I, I guess this is a really good, you know, transition into
that conversation because I have learned so much more about
whatever language we use God, spirituality, yoga.
I think that these are different languages for the same thing.
Even for someone who has no beliefs about God, even the
absence of your belief is a belief like the choice not to
have a belief in God. All right, cool.
What do we call a thing that you put faith in right?
Like unless you just don't subscribe to faith or hope,
right and it using the language that I have to connect with
people at that level. That is not the body, that is
not the mind, that is not emotional, that is not your
identities. That is not like just who.
It's more at who you are at your core when you strip away the
identities. And that brings us to the raw
material of what makes us who we are, whatever that light is,
those particles, what the protons, neutrons and electrons,
right? And what I'm hearing and what
you're sharing here, when we talk about the inner world,
outer world, it's really coming down to that.
Like when we disassociate from our finances, race,
relationships, sex, gender expression, our relationships,
the roles that we got to play between being a parent,
someone's child, a grandparent, partner, spouse, friend.
When you strip all of that away, that is where you are the
closest you can be to whatever force of existence that you
believe in. And I try to help people peel
back those layers by not unidentifying with these things,
but to see themselves outside of it.
And yoga calls it the observer. I think the Bible calls it the
language of the Bible. I'm learning it.
So I'm, I'm actually going through the process of like
rereading the Bible, not rereading it.
I don't want to say rereading because I've not like read it in
its entirety. But there have been scriptures
that have stuck with me that I hear consistently in different
books. There's the awakened brain.
I forget the exact name of the author, but she talks about how
when people have faith in something, their brains work
differently. It's almost like they're more
functional, right? So the draw of people's
spirituality or the draw that people have to the spiritual
side of something positive for positive people makes me think
that in the event that there's a season 2 or that I come back to
the podcast, it might have more of a focus on that element.
But I I got to do some work to refine the language and.
Yeah. Definitely.
So when we have our cause and we talk about the things like
you're like you should write a book like that wasn't totally
should write the. Book absolutely no.
And for me, it's been really hard because I'm Greek, so I
grew up so culture and religion are very interwoven in my
cultural background. And I have had to take, I'm in
my early 50s, so I've really had to peel back the layers and
separate religion from spirituality.
And so there's a lot of cultural aspects of the religion, the
organized religion with which I was raised that I still take
with me because there's a, there's that cultural piece,
right? But in terms of spirituality,
I've really had to take what I take and leave the rest is what
I say from, from the religion. And I, I do happen to believe in
God. I do believe in that as a higher
power. But you know, is God a man?
I don't think so. I don't, I don't think, you
know, I don't think God has a gender.
I think, you know, so, but it's a lot of these, these ideas
about spirituality that have actually helped me post divorce
because I was divorced eight, 8 1/2 years ago and, and really
helping me grow into my own right right now.
So my idea of spirituality is, you know, has AI think a
Christian base, but it's definitely peppered with
Buddhism and, you know, other forms of, of spirituality.
I'm reading, I'm reading a great book right now called it's by
Technohan and it's called Jesus and as brothers.
And it's fascinating. It's it's the most fascinating
book I think I've ever read. So, yeah, so that's and, and and
this journey with with herpes has definitely given me pause
to, to really think about, you know, what do I have faith in?
What do I believe in? Where is the good?
Because I think when you get this diagnosis, at least for me,
I don't want to generalize, but it's really easy to fall right
into the negative, right? Except the way you explain
negative is negative is the absence of that doesn't mean
that that's a, that's a bad thing.
It just means that it's, it's waiting to develop into
something. So I've had to shift my mindset
thinking about negativity too, which is something else that you
taught me, which is again, why you need to write a book.
So anyway, yeah, I said a lot there.
But I, I, I guess I just wanted to speak to that, that, that
religion and belief in a higher power than yourself can be two
different things. So.
Yes, I'm at the the intersection between what I've learned about
Christianity, what I've learned about yoga, and what I've
learned about anime. There's a lot of spirituality
and a lot of the anime that I watch, which is you ultimately
learn, you hear the same story over again, over and over again.
There's suffering where there's just this unconscious existence
of like no connectedness to what it is that you want.
All of these things are essentially saying do what you
want to do, don't do what you don't want to do.
Even the word sin, like the interpretations of the Bible.
Me and ChatGPT had a nice little conversation about this too.
Like I was one of those I'm one of those people and I created a
glossary of metaphors that speak to what Yoga says, what the
Bible says, and then what the language that I'm cultivating
for. I call it atomic living where
God, purpose, whatever positive and presence represents the
proton electrons are everything in motion.
So events, people that come into your life, challenges and all of
that. And then the neutron is US,
right. So in the book Outwitting the
Devil by Napoleon Hill, the author essentially interviews
the devil, and we don't know if it's the real devil or if it's
just like a figment of his imagination.
But a lot of what he speaks to, if you sum it up in general, is
that the devil is electrons, a negative energy.
He's like, I make up 1/2 of the atom on the negative.
I'm sorry, the negative portion of the atom.
So atoms are these structures where there's a proton at the
center, which is. And if we're looking at the Sun
as an example of an atom, the Sun's objective in its rotation
and everything that happens is it turns hydrogen into helium.
So its purpose is that as a proton, the neutron is the
stabilizing force. That is like, OK, this is what
we're doing. And it could choose to stop
doing that. It could choose to not be in
stillness with its proton, but it doesn't.
And in turn, because of its consistency and its stability,
we are its electrons in that it's been given it's give, it
gives off light, it gives off heat and it gives off gravity.
So every planet that has structured around it has benefit
from its stability. When people live in that way,
where the solar system as an example of living becomes what
we do with our nervous system, we find that we take our we, we
take where we were born in our surroundings and we find our own
structure and stability in it. So where someone might turn
hydrogen to helium or the sun turns hydrogen to to helium, we
turn our trauma into healing. And in turn we find that
opportunities, people, events, things Orient themselves to us.
And that's really what life is supposed to be like.
And you see that in the stories of Jesus.
You see that in the stories of you see that in various
scriptures in the Bible. And some that stand out to me
are like be still and know that I am God.
That's probably one of the biggest ones.
And it's to find that stillness because if the devil is all
electrons, negativity, and things in motion, then you doing
only what you're supposed to do and none of what you're not
supposed to do. You find yourself in alignment.
And when you're in alignment, you have the groundedness at
your center and you've got these orbits around you where things
Orient themselves to you and who you are according to how you
express your purpose, right? So nothing inherently is bad.
Even I looked at the objective Bible verses and it's like,
damn, you can turn that into something for control and tell
people, hey, you should only have a wife and a husband
together versus it being what marriage is symbolic of, which
is hey, we're agreeing to this sense of purpose and there's a.
Lot of right, right, right, right, right.
Yeah. And.
And I think that the, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you.
I think that. No, no, you're right.
I think that. I mean, I think all you have to
do is look around right now at the world and see all the
misinterpretations of things or the insistent and it's crazy.
And I that's where I the whole organized religion thing.
If that's your if that's your thing, that's fine, but it can't
be an imposition on others. And that's yeah, anyway not.
Supposed to be, yeah, it's. Not supposed.
I mean, that's the thing and I, I, yeah, I, I post divorce,
being a divorced woman in, in the Orthodox Church is, is a
fascinating thing and it, and we don't need to go down that road
because it's totally different than why we're here.
But but it just, it was very eye opening for me.
And I think again, those types of experiences as a woman can
actually cause a lot of anger. A straight woman cause a lot of
anger towards straight men. And, and I'm just, that's not my
mindset. And I think that we can fall
into that as straight women a lot easily, especially with how
I contracted herpes. And I don't hate men.
I don't think they're all jerks. I don't think they're all bad at
at all. And, you know, I, I can't live
my life that way, right? So, yeah.
So going back to what you were saying about about the Bible and
stuff, yeah. I mean, interpretation is
everything. It's everything.
So. There's so many people I talk
to, they get here and they're like, oh, I grew up in purity
culture. I grew up Catholic.
I hear I grew up Catholic more than anything else.
And there's. So much of people's self
identification with sexual shame and people think that they're
sinning because they have sex outside of marriage.
But the interpretation the the Bible objectively states it
uses, I think the word covenant. And when we, because we were
talking about this in a, I'm on a cab panel where we're trying
to do a study on heterosexual couples and we were defining
like what a couple is or what a relationship is like.
How are we defining it? Because there's situationships,
fuck buddies, friends, benefits, all these things, right?
And how the Bible speaks to marriage, right, is essentially
people interpreted it as if you're not married, then it's
sin. It's it's marriage without or
it's sex without outside of marriage, when really it's like,
don't have sex you don't want to be having.
If you're intentional about it and all parties involved know
what it is, then it's not a sin because it's not out of
alignment, because sin is just out of alignment.
That's what the word means. And when we talk about
alignment, right, the planets are aligned with the sun, the
benefit that we get from it is light, heat and a consistent
gravity. And we got all these ecosystems
that make the planet self-sufficient and only in
relation to the sun, right? So with our nervous system, if
we take actions that are aligned with who we are, first we got to
know who we are, then we got to know what we want, then we have
to be the kind of person that what's supposed to be in our
orbit aligns itself to us. And if we just take the
framework of the solar system and how atoms operate, like, why
wouldn't we do that if we're trillions of fucking atoms, Like
it makes sense that we operate from that perspective.
And I've been practicing that for myself and trying to develop
the language and, and speak it more out loud.
And I'm finding that the more that I live it, the more that I
say the things, the the more people are drawn to me, the more
opportunities are drawn to me. And I don't, I haven't really
had to go out looking for them. And I even think to myself,
like, as somebody who is polyamorous, right?
Like, I don't know that there were any mentions specifically
of polyamory being a sin in the Bible, but it's more about the,
the covenant thing, right? I have the most intentional
relationships than I've ever had with just one person.
And those are sins. So I wanted to come back to what
you said. I know you said like marriage
wasn't, you know, a part of this, but I think that that's a
big deal because it's got divorced because sin in the
sense of recognizing that this is out of alignment.
And the word redemption, I believe is a word really isn't
like God's going to punish you. You need to beg for forgiveness.
It's really just realigning yourself so that relationship
was not in alignment. Getting out of the relationship
brought you back into alignment. So that's it.
Like there's no punishment. Like it's suffering.
God isn't punishing us. We're suffering ourselves
because we're out of alignment and doing shit we don't want to
do. Taking it back to the core of
what the Bible, anime, and yoga all say, which is do what you
want to do, don't do what you don't want to do, and just be
consistent with it. Yeah, And I got really caught up
in doing what I thought I was supposed to do.
That's kind of how up until my divorce, I I viewed
relationships. I did not date in high school.
I wasn't allowed to. I had one boyfriend, my first
boyfriend in college. We didn't have sex until I was
20. So we were together for two
years and and before we had sex and then I was like, Oh, I've
got to go to confession, You know, I felt horrible about it.
And and then and then I met my now ex-husband who's a wonderful
human being. He's a wonderful human being.
He's not a bad guy at all. He's a great dad.
He's a good friend, but we just talk about being out of
alignment and total night and day.
I guess what I meant about marriage is I had to go through
a process after I got legally divorced in order to still be in
good standing with the church. I had to go through a council of
priests and they had to give me the OK.
And but my ex-husband didn't have to go through that.
Just I did. And that as a woman felt.
And that's where I really, I really started having like, like
issues with religion and I realized I don't believe in this
God that is so judgmental and so finger pointy and not forgiving
and all that kind of thing. Because if I believed in that,
then I shouldn't be sitting here right now talking to you about
my herpes diagnosis. I should be, you know, I don't
know, somewhere praying 24/7 or something.
And I pray all the time, right? But I just, I, I refuse to
believe. I can't believe that that's how
my higher power functions. So that was traumatic after
after I was divorced and I had to relearn things and accept
things that that worked for me. But, but getting back to to my
herpes diagnosis, I am really discovering the nature of who I
am, which is you also said there's something about nature.
There's a quote that you've said in a few of your podcast.
Nature and form are two different things, right?
So, so I'm really focusing on the nature of who I am and, and
I wouldn't be able to do that without this diagnosis.
So yeah. All right, I appreciate that
because I, I think that you are the way that you even just spoke
about divorce and the process and church's involvement.
Church as a governing entity, government as a governing
entity, well as an entity, I guess even crime as an an
institution and the financial, their media, all of these
things. When I watch anime, I'm watching
One Piece right now, you see that there is a core power of a
system of control that is designed to keep people divided,
and it's in bed with a lot of the influence, like influencers,
the people who are given influence because power comes
with influence, they maintain these power structures for a
balance that benefits the control system.
There are far more people than there are influencer
influencers. There are far more people than
there are these governing bodies and institutions that if
everyone collectively today were like, hey, this is fucking
stupid, let's stop subscribing to this.
That shit would die. And in clawing efforts, we would
see things like even the people who benefit from the power being
able to see, hey, this shit is actually stupid, let's do
something else. But there's always going to be
there. There will always be something,
someone that will take advantage of whatever the current status
of the system is. And that's very, it's
unfortunate, but it's just, it is the nature of what it is.
But there's always these balancing forces and if we don't
see God as anything else or whatever, I don't even want to
call it a higher power because I believe it's us like we are that
even if we look at, if we look at Napoleon Hill's, you know,
explanation of the devil being negative energy and God being
positive energy, and these two forces cannot interact with each
other directly or take from the other.
The neutron is the pathway of that.
So like, I've come to believe God to be, you know?
All of this and for us to be something that is desired and
coveted by the devil. And also I don't want to say
like jealous by God, but like the as close of an expression to
presence and positivity as possible.
Being us as neutral beings who can step into the positive and
stillness and presence, or we can go into motion and
negativity and continue to operate in that way because
we're the only beings that can do that.
Animals have their instincts and tuition.
They can be trained by humans, which makes us, you know,
essentially like their God because we can control them or,
you know, teach them and influence them.
But for us, we have the ability to choose.
And that power of choice is something that I really hope to
drive home and exercise for people is that we can choose
stillness, we can choose emotion, we can choose
positivity and presence and or we can choose negativity and
absence. And that's just a matter of
exercising choice. Herpes gives us the opportunity
to exercise choice. We can choose to give this
information to people and they make the decision.
We give them options and make the decision.
And we have the option to do so or not do so.
And there's nothing stopping us from making whatever decision we
want to make for ourselves. For sure.
And I, I definitely felt at the beginning of this journey, when
we first connected, I was at a crossroads after I remember
opening my phone and seeing the HSV 2 positive, I was in the
parking lot at Amazon Fresh. And I thought that I, like, I
had this moment where I was so angry and just so frustrated.
And I came home and I was crying and I, you know, and then I
talked to you and that most definitely helped.
But after that, and then after the first support group, I, I
found myself at a crossroads and I had a choice.
I had a choice how I wanted to continue to exist because for
me, it, what was the hardest thing to get over is like, I'm
carrying this, this thing, this herpes, right?
This thing around inside of me that somebody else put there
that I didn't say it was OK for them to put there.
And so I had to reconcile that within my own mind and my own
heart, and then I had to make a choice.
Is that what's going to define me or is that just another layer
of me that contributes to the overall of who I am?
And and, and that is the decision that I made.
That's the choice that I made. So now I'm steeping myself back
into creativity. You know, Once Upon a time I had
on my own one woman show. I was a solo performer.
I'm a poet. I all these things are now like
bubbling up to the surface for me.
And it's been so long and I don't know that I would have
gotten back into this space without the diagnosis, to be
honest with you, because I wouldn't have stopped to re
evaluate everything. I wouldn't have stopped to to
think more about what I want. And, and I need to be
communicating that, not just assuming that as a woman, I need
to be able to communicate that to a partner because he's not a
mind reader. And and I think that that's,
that's that's been a huge lesson for me because I thought I was
understanding things and I was clear about things.
But I mean, you know, in past relationships that's not been
the case. So I need to own that and learn
that anyway. So yeah.
Yeah, and, and thank you. Thank you for like your
willingness to not just speak to your story and experience, but
also like sharing how itself has brought you into this space.
Like this is a more spiritual thing.
I'm looking here at my glossary and there's 60 words, There's 60
words from the Bible that have a biblical definition, yogic
definition. And then like the language that
I'm trying to, they all intersect is what you're saying.
They all intersect. Those three things intersect in
these words. They say the same thing, right?
OK. They can be.
Interpreted in. Different ways.
So objectively, let's use hell for example.
The biblical sense is that hell is separation from God,
existential suffering, right? How often have you heard that
hell is a fiery place that you go to when you die?
All the time. Heaven is.
In the biblical sense, presence with God, it's peace and joy.
How often have you heard that you get that to that when you
die like that's what happens when you die.
And the yogic definition of hell is essentially reincarnation
under heavy karma, egoic bondage.
So hell is your attachment to ego.
So being in this plane of existence and being more so
identified with that negative. Well, that's my definition is
the negative space. So if we look at if the devil
and negativity are all electrons, then the atomic
structure of looking at things as like an atom, we're looking
at what would happen if the Sun were ever to stop producing
hydrogen into helium. It would burn out, it would, it
would collapse and die and become a black hole.
So it has essentially collapsed within on itself creating a
black hole because there is no resonance, there's no purpose
anymore. So it just dies.
But the sun continues to live as long as it's fulfilling its
purpose. And once it fulfills its
purpose, I think it becomes like a, a neutron * white dwarf
neutron star or some shit like that.
Heaven, the yogic definition is higher consciousness.
You're in a bliss state and it's really doing what you want to be
doing. And hell is doing a lot of the
things that you don't want to be doing.
So purpose being OK, this aligns with me.
The more I do this thing, the happier I am.
I found that for myself to do something positive for positive
people, this isn't the exclusive way that I do what I'm supposed
to be doing, but it's also that this is what I want to be doing.
I don't know that that I knew that this was what I wanted to
do right away, but it became something that the more that I
do it, the more that I see these experiences of peace and
contentment. And you know, we can even say
presence with God, like not to make something positive, my God,
but I'm making what this is an expression of my proton, my
purpose for me as the neutron to connect with, stabilize and
create this magnetism and resonance, resonance for
electrons to fall into place. So the expression of purpose
fully is what heaven is. So I'm living in heaven by that
definition. And it's really about presence
being, presence, being, being present, being here aligned with
purpose because I'm not sinning, because I'm not drifting.
And here's where boundaries come in.
Your boundaries are really to keep you in that state of heaven
so as not to drift too far. We're going to naturally be
tempted by things outside of what it is that we're doing, but
it's our responsibility to take aligned action with sin, with
negativity, with that field, with the electrons.
So we stay present to purpose and we notice what aligns most
resonant with what signals we send off.
And this is what the law of attraction even States.
And it's that, you know, you want to be the change you want
to see in the world, because when our inner world is going to
reflect our outer world. And we we can do that in
community and collectively, the support groups as people fall
into this can then become something that's impactful for
other ways in the world to where maybe stigma goes away.
And if stigma goes away, what can happen with the wrongdoings
of the world if we are to begin to reshape what it is, the way
that we view herpes, the way that we view stigma, the way
that we even view something that brought us here, like a shitty
relationship with God or religion or shitty views on that
Right, Right. Absolutely.
Yeah. And I, I, I think I'm slowly
finding my purpose, but I definitely am finding myself.
And I think I shared this with you the other night that, you
know, the support groups, it's the first time that I've been
in, in a, in a present situation with other people where I've
actually felt 100% like myself. And that's never happened to me.
Even before the. Herpes diagnosis, right?
Because I've always sort of marched to the beat of my own
drummer, but kept that very close to me.
And, and I now feel like I can just be open and honest and
authentic. And, and that authenticity is
really what I've discovered in this journey.
And, and honestly, I mean, a lot of it came from just having that
support call with you because I sex is not something I grew up
talking about. It's not it was not associated
with pleasure. It was associated with an act
that resulted in children. And I am at my age, you know,
52, I'm relearning all of that, that it's OK to, you know, to,
to want to have sex and to feel good when you're having sex and
to ask what you want during sex and to, to discover and define
what intimacy and pleasure and all those things are.
And, and that's now becoming part of my purpose.
And it's, it's something that I have not, you know, externalized
at all because I'm like, I'm not supposed to talk about that out
loud. So, yeah.
So it's, it's been a, it's, it's been a blessing.
Like I said at the beginning, it's been a blessing.
And, and everything that you're saying.
Yeah. I mean, could you imagine, could
you imagine if we were in those spaces together?
And, and it's a chain reaction. One thing leads to the next
thing leads to the next thing. And you know, who knows where
that takes everything? And, and at the end of the day,
you know, tossing stigma out the window about herpes would be,
would be a really good thing. And, and the work that you're
doing is so important, Courtney. So I'm, I'm beyond grateful that
our paths crossed. I really am.
So, yeah, thank you. I appreciate.
That Yeah, you have mentioned Crossroads earlier and I saw
that that was a word on here too.
In a biblical sense. Yeah, in a biblical sense, it's
a decision between God's way and the world's way.
And then yoga, it's your purpose versus your ego, right?
Like doing what you want to do versus doing what you yourself
don't want to do. And a lot of times ego isn't
what we ourselves want, but when we identify with the ego, that
becomes who we are and we think that that's what we want, right?
And then? The atomic.
Thing is just the trajectory between doing what you want to
do and not doing what you doing what you don't want to do.
So that that world of electrons and negativity like identifying
with those things, those labels versus staying in your
alignment. I don't like the phrase stay in
your lane because staying in your lane is often times not it
it you, you have to do things that you don't want to do,
right? And you can't.
You can't. Explore this way or explore that
way. You have to stay this way.
Yeah, Yeah, I agree with you on that for sure.
Yeah, but. I'm I'm just looking through
here. I'd be so curious to see that.
List that you've made. I'd be so curious to see that
because that's fascinating. Yeah, it's it's and I want to
read. The I want to read the Bible and
like get this language because it's, it's useful.
And I'm, as I'm watching anime, I find myself more so aligning
with the values of these and I see the spirituality of it.
And even as I talk through the atomic language, right, looking
at atoms as protons, neutrons, electrons, and as we disidentify
from again, all of the labels and the words, essentially,
that's what it is where these fucking combinations of
particles of light that have created these illusions that our
beliefs hold to. And we collectively subscribe to
this. If we collectively subscribe to
a higher state of consciousness of a peaceful world, that
magnitude would more so draw us into that.
But we it's very difficult for us to do that because of.
The division. Right.
We got all these different religions that say the same
shit, but the interpretations of them are to to look to something
external. That's what the interpretations
are. You are not God.
You are not able to do these things.
You need to seek outside yourself, go to church, pray to
and pay this man that's standing at the top of the pulpit who is
delivering these interpretations of, of God's word in a way that
don't quite really align. And it has its purpose.
It has its value because people will take what they hear and
then they'll go into the world and live accordingly.
But to live that shit literally is literally killing people.
And it is. It is. 1000% agree and that's I.
That's why I take what I take and I leave the rest.
That's just where I'm at. And it is, it's, it's killing
people because I think the focus is on what makes us different as
opposed to what makes us the same or what we have in common.
Not the same because no two people are the same.
But I feel like we're, we're focused on the division and
what, what is all different about US versus what we have in
common and how we align. And that's, you know, that's,
that's what we'd rather focus on.
So yeah. So with this being all of that
being said, I think that this is this might be the religion
episode. It's so interesting how shit
lines up because I was like, Oh, I'm going to make an episode on
what herpes taught me about God. And for you and I, I didn't
really have any expectations on what we talked about.
I know that you've been someone who, whenever these
conversations kind of go this way, right?
Like they resonate for you. So it's cool to have been able
to have this free flowing conversation and hear from
another person or you specifically on this platform
that these are things that resonate with you.
I I'm, it's not like a curiosity thing really, because I, I I
feel like we talk. You'll be at the support group.
I'll see you when we have our sessions.
But what is something that having herpes maybe has taught
you about your relationship to God and Christianity?
Is Christianity the one? Yeah, Yeah.
Does it? Taught me about God.
I don't know that it's taught me anything, but it has reinforced
things for me, yeah. I.
I mentioned earlier I don't believe.
That I don't believe in the Hellfire and brimstone crap.
And I wasn't really raised with it.
I was more raised with the structure of things like you're
supposed to fast and you're supposed to do this.
It's a lot of you're supposed to suppose supposed to a lot of
ritual, right, is involved in it.
And there's comfort in the ritual.
I, you know, there are things about the rituals that I love,
but I've always just had this sense of this can't be the only
way. This can't be just how God is.
And so I think what herpes has taught me is I'm not going to
get struck down by lightning. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not
inherently a bad person. I did not ask for this.
I did not do something to deserve this.
It is not a punishment. And so it's reinforced to me
that God is this, this beautiful, accepting, loving
energy that that has lessons that kind of manifest themselves
in the universe for, for people in different ways.
And this was just my lesson. And that's, and I needed, I'm on
this journey now to, to learn to learn the why and, and to take
that sort of into my heart and just kind of see what, what
comes up for me about it. So it's not, I don't think I've
learned anything. I think it's just more I'm
learning about myself. But that's reinforced herpes has
reinforced for me what I have felt all along about God.
And it's just bringing, I think it's, it's sounds so weird.
It's like bringing me closer. I don't know it, it, it brings
me closer because I'm not hiding from it.
I haven't, I haven't, you know, had the discussion with many
people to be honest, because I'm still trying to sit with it.
But and I'm, I'm not in a space where I want to date right now
because I'm just trying to sit with this.
I'll get there. But yeah, it's just been more
reinforcing than anything, if that makes sense.
It does so. My what I've learned about God
hasn't come directly from herpes, but more so the
experiences that came for me after my herpes diagnosis than
anything else. And when you did you say
reinforce? Reinforce was the word that you
use. I think that it's tapped me into
a reminder, a reminder that I am not my diagnosis.
I am not my sexuality. I am not the identity that I
create alongside the the relationships that I have.
I'm not what when I'm dating or in the pursuit of a partner like
that's not me. I'm not the person that people
create this image of me of in their in their head and their
reality and their imagination. I am something that cannot be
described as that. And what herpes I can say taught
me, if you know the the experiences that came after my
herpes diagnosis taught me is that herpes was a reminder.
And it's my role to serve as that reminder to others that,
hey, like I'm reminding you that you are beyond your herpes
status. I'm a reminder that you are
beyond that rejection. You're a reminder that you're
beyond what that person makes you feel like.
You're beyond stigma and. There's such a depth, while I, I
know depth and expansion are these two damn near opposite
things, but they are so interconnected because if we
look to nature, right, we look at trees, the deeper the roots,
the taller the tree and it's the same thing for us.
So being able to go deeper into what came up for me regarding
herpes underneath the surface has allowed for much more
expansiveness in my visibility as a reminder to remind others.
Because now, like I would say since September, October, I
think that that's when I had the most intentionality and the most
clarity on myself because I was able to get a lot of shit off of
me. For instance, being in a
monogamous relationship when I myself am a non monogamous
person. I was in sin in trying to go
down the path of having a relationship, getting married,
having a family like the quote Bible says.
But that was my sin because that's not what aligns for me.
I was out of alignment in doing that and it took for me to
practice being in alignment to where I was like uncomfortable
because it's like this doesn't feel right.
Why the fuck is everything going well?
Why is this peaceful? Why is there no conflict?
There's no inner conflict or inconsistency in my life.
Oh, it's because what I was taught was not in alignment with
who I am. There are people that this very
much that lifestyle does align for.
And I, I, my hope is that everybody gets what they want
and that they do what they want and none of what they don't want
to do. But I was doing a lot of what I
don't want to do. And herpes taught me that even
in the sexual relationship that I might have gotten herpes from,
I did something that I didn't want to do.
I like to have sex with someone that I knew I didn't want to
have sex with. And acting out of alignment
created the circumstances for something to present itself
where I was able to witness, see and focus on, which was my
genitals and my ability to have sex.
Like that was how the God universe or whatever you you
believe in or don't believe in. That was how my spirituality, my
identity outside of everything else had to communicate with me.
Hey, you're out of alignment. Here's get here's the place that
you need to get to. And the process of getting to
there has just required me to do things differently and to listen
to that inner voice and to find what my own rhythm is and be
guided back to what, you know, some would call God, what yoga
would call satva, that Sadvik state, and what you know, atomic
living would call your purpose. Like the sun making its way back
to turning hydrogen into helium, Courtney making it his way back
into living within the rhythm of my own alignment, right.
And I for me. Because beautifully said for me,
I don't know what I'm supposed to be aligned to right now when
it comes to relationships. And that's I I've gone through,
you know, almost 20 years of marriage and, and and
relationships after that. And I don't I mean, I just was
taught monogamy. Yes.
You have a question. I shot my hand up in the air
when you. Said that because the purpose
the alignment right? It's not an external thing.
Remember you mentioned we we talked about reminders.
Ah fuck. What was the word using R word
reinforce reinforce? Right.
So reinforce meaning that it's enforcing again what you already
know to be true, right? And when we've talked, you
mentioned the one woman show you mentioned, like getting back
into your creativity and it's kind of what's your agreement
with life? The son agreed.
All right, no other person around.
My role here is to turn hydrogen to helium.
And then life was sustained and created in the sense that we
know it on Earth, making water, the atmosphere, humanity to be
able to walk on and dwell upon, right?
Just as long as the sun is able to continue to make hydrogen to
helium. Your experience, like you're in
your world. What is your hydrogen and what
is your helium that you're putting out?
So essentially what are you creating?
What is it that you're creating for yourself?
Because I think I'm creating, I've created am creating what it
is that I would have needed at the time.
And this might not be the truest expression of it.
This is like 1 shell of it that I thought was podcasting, which
I've been attached to. I thought it was maybe working
with people with herpes that I was so attached to.
Next, the transition. The more that I peel back the
layers of my purpose and, you know, I peel back the layers of
myself and see what impact I can have.
It's even gone beyond that and more so into even teaching
people to have, you know, their own better sex lives or their
own relationships that they want.
But I'm learning and talking to you even that there's more to
this being a reminder for people to have a relationship not with
themselves, but with life, right?
Like we should be having, we should be having the best sex we
want to have ever with life. Not necessarily looking
exclusively at the body, but what expressions like how are
you expressing yourself just in the world?
And the people aligning themselves are being drawn to
your orbit are going to naturally just present
themselves. They're going to be fucking
magnetized to you. So that was what made me shoot
my hand up was when you were saying like, Oh, I don't know
what my purpose is and or you said something about I don't
know what something in relationship is, but the
relationship, what was it? I don't know.
I don't know what my purpose. I don't know what my.
Purpose in relationships are right now like I've I've only
known monogamy, that's all. So I I don't.
You know when you hear the term. Non monogamy or polyamorous,
there's all kinds of things that float through your mind that I,
I mean, I'll admittedly, I don't know a damn thing about it, so
I'm not going to make any assumptions about it.
But I mean, it's, yeah, I think that it's, I don't know what my
purpose is that in that regard, I don't know where my place
actually not purpose. I don't know where my place is
in that realm, Right. But I'm open to try.
And I don't know, I'd learn more about it and, and just see,
maybe it's not for me. Maybe I am truly monogamous.
I don't know. I don't know.
But all of this is, you know, is what's bubbling up for me.
So, you know, and then now I've got a shit ton of material to
write when I get up on stage again, which hopefully will be
sometime in the next year or so. Yes.
Can I give away your homework assignment?
This is this. This is some free game.
Yeah, yeah. OK.
So we're remember we were talking about like, what I want,
Like, what do I want? And we look at, if we don't know
what we want, look at what we have, right?
And when we see what it is that we have, we wouldn't continue to
engage with it if it wasn't what we want.
But we also may not have had any reason to interrogate that.
So one of the homework assignments that I gave you was
to look at what you have and then decide of that, like what
it is that you don't want or that doesn't serve you so that
you can consciously choose to not engage with that anymore.
And I didn't take it to like the next level yet because we'll
talk about it when we're in session.
But I think that this is some really good value.
This is a really valuable exercise for people to get more
clear around what it is that they not just what you want, but
who you are because who you are is going to be a direct
reflection of what you want. And I think that that's really
what if we look at religion and that's really what neutrally,
objectively, what it says, be who you are and stay in
alignment with who you are. And the shortcut to that is
looking at your actions and asking yourself in a place of
stillness, like how does this align with what I'm, what I'm
actually wanting? When you strip away all of that,
then it's like, OK, well, what do I actually want?
Like what brings me? How am I expressing myself?
What do I want to do? You see people that are
performers, artists and creatives, like they do shit
that to us may look like expression of their purpose, but
the reality is that really good actor might be really good at
acting and they're just doing that so that they can actually
draw pictures because that's what they enjoy doing.
Like that's their form of creative expression, right?
So to be able to connect with and identify the thing that for
you becomes a reminder of it. It we're we're.
Reminders to other. People, the more resonant we are
with what it is that we want to do, the more aligned we are with
what it is that we give. Whatever we make our God
aligning with that and expressing from that place right
in alignment. It allows for you to damn what
was I had a oh covenant is the one of the words on here.
And in the biblical sense, it's a sacred agreement between God
and humanity and yoga. It's sacred intention that
shapes life and in like the simple atomic terms, it's just
the intention or contract between what your purpose is or
your proton and then the electrons right.
So all of these options of infinite potential negativity
when we look at and become still and we're like listening to the
inner voice, which really it may not say, hey, do this thing.
It's a feeling that we get when the right opportunity presents
itself. That's the covenant, the
intention of OK, so this music that's playing from my sense of
purpose, my what I view as God, it's radiating what's most
responsive to this. Oh, that's responsive to this.
Let me bring these together and keep, you know, allow for it to
be in orbit. And I don't mean it like we
reach for grab and bring closer. We just recognize and we just
stabilize in that point to where whatever it is serves its
purpose as we begin to take we we shape who we are, our
identity by aligning with that stillness and we see what comes
into motion. And our job is not to be so
fucking drawn and attracted to that thing out there that we
forget about this thing right here.
And that's really what the the covenant is.
It's OK like I choose to run something positive for positive
people and in doing so like that has been historically the
podcast. It is talking about sexual
health, It's a yoga therapy and it's all these expressions of
purpose that have brought themselves into my attention for
me the neutron to consciously engage with.
What is that for you? That is the question that I hope
that people are able to take away from this because when you
start to live from that place, you start to see that your how
they reflects more of what aligns for you.
And that is how we find quote salvation and we protect
ourselves from sin or just misalignment because that's
where the suffering is. The suffering is doing in doing
shit that you don't want to be doing and not doing what you
want to be doing. That's right.
And and. You and I have talked about how
like trusting my gut, trusting my instincts, right?
Like that's something that I very much need to work on.
And you just spoke to that, right?
It's that union, it's that connection.
And what popped into my head was I had a my mentor, my theater
mentor who we just lost last year, my mentor for 30 years, my
first acting class that I ever I ever took, it was Meisner
technique. Anyway, I remember him telling
me if you would just get out of your own way you'd be fine.
And and that has stuck with me. For my entire life, if you would
just get out of your own way, you would be fine.
And it's like if there was a scene on stage that, you know,
where there was something intimate or there was kissing or
something out, like I was like, I don't know if I can do it, you
know, And he's like, you've got it.
You're you're, you're stepping in your own path.
You're stepping in your own way. You're, you're building your own
brick wall. And so you're compromising your
authenticity. And if you would just get out of
your own way about it, then you would be just fine.
And I think that that's, that's what you just spoke to, right?
Is being able to to connect the internal with the external and,
and that covenant and that union.
And that's ultimately how you live an authentic life in
alignment. And yeah, I mean, that's the
goal for me. And I, I don't think I would
have ever gotten to this space if if I hadn't had this huge
curveball thrown at me called herpes.
So that's my left. That's, that's my, that's my
universal lesson. I, I needed this to happen to me
because this is where I need to be sitting right now on this
day, having this conversation with you.
And that would have never happened had I not in my mind,
made a bad choice, you know, But it it, it actually was the right
choice because it led me to this so, well, let's not say bad
choice, right? It was a choice that I didn't,
right? It was a a choice out of
alignment. Right, because you said, you
said to yourself that like you had things that set you off or
you didn't listen to your intuition about not moving
forward with this person, Super duper.
First off, any grown man who says super duper to another
grown individual is probably that that's something that I,
yeah, like super duper. No, God, in hindsight I'm like,
what was I? Thinking.
I mean, I was thinking. Always.
Tell people you know. I'd rather it have been this.
Because I got this before and and I learned that I might have
been at the line for becoming pre diabetic.
Oh yeah, I remember. And that, yeah.
This like I. Would much rather have to deal
with the things that I deal with with herpes rejection and maybe,
you know, somebody not wanting to have sex with me.
All right, cool. Than the issues that I
understand to come with being diabetic, I know that the
medication is very expensive. I haven't had health insurance.
Shout out to me for now having it.
I do have health insurance now, yay.
But I got one that works because when I first started working for
myself, these people were like, yeah, it's $300 every two weeks.
And it's like, bro, I don't even make that because I was
self-employed through the nonprofit.
And when I needed it, I couldn't even use it because I needed
something preventive. I was just like, oh, I want to
go get STD testing. And they were like, oh, that'll
be this much money out of pocket.
I was like, yeah, we're done here.
We're done. So I haven't.
I had health issues for about 3 years, and I've been living so
cautiously. Now that it started back up, I'm
about to start lifting heavy in the gym again.
I might do intramural sports. Yeah.
But it yeah. I know that, you know, we
scheduled an hour here. We are like an hour and 20
minutes in. So I want to be very mindful of
your time. And I just want to ask, like, is
there anything that you want to leave people with before I let
you go? I, I mean, I think we've shared
a lot, we've said a lot. I would just say that it's
always a really positive thing to just be able to to pause in a
moment and listen to yourself and not, not ignore the things
that are coming up for you and and remain open to any
situation, as hard as it may be that, you know, comes into your
life because you you never know what purpose it's going to
serve. And it could be so incredibly
painful in the moment. But when you come out the other
side of it, depending on the choice that you make, it could
be the greatest lesson you've ever learned.
So just stay open, I guess is what I would want to leave
people with. OK.
Yeah. Thank you.
Last thing I was going to talk
about the support groups, but if you have anything that you want
to share in your experience with the support groups, like what
you got? Yeah, I.
I it is a space that I look forward to.
It's on my calendar as far out as it possibly can be.
Like I clear everything because it's it's my time and what I get
out of it is community. And you know, to put it in your
words, common unity. I've never had that community.
And this it's it's weird because it's you're a man facilitating a
woman's group, right? And that I would that is so
special to me. And that is huge because there's
you're so good at facilitating a conversation and knowing what
the limit like, what your limitations are and what like
what we need. And it's such a special space
for me that I would encourage anybody to to give it a shot.
I know the guys haven't. Been showing up.
But I mean, it's, it's, it's such a, it's such a very special
place where you can just listen and feel heard and find
commonality with all different walks of life, all different
people, all different shapes, all different colors.
They come from all different places where all different ages.
And that's a really beautiful thing that you've created.
And that's really what I get out of it is I'm able to share
what's going on and more importantly for me to listen.
And it's a space where I feel comfortable.
Like I said, I haven't discussed this with, with many people too
actually, and one stranger yesterday, which was very
interesting. But I know that when that group,
that group comes up, I'm like, I'm in my, I have my yoga mat
out. I got my incense going and I
know I'm going to meet up with these really amazing people.
And I think about these people and I'm starting to know them by
name and I remember their stories and, and I know that
they know my name and they remember my stories and it's
just a really special place. It's hard for me to, it's hard
for me to like put into words, But what I get out of it is I
get, I just get a sense of peace that I'm not alone, I think is
probably the biggest thing. So yay.
Yeah, that sells it so. You can visit the.
Supportgroupstab@spfpp.org The Women's Support Group meets 1st
and 3rd Monday, 7:30 PM Eastern Time.
If anything needs to change and you're on the e-mail list, you
will find out about that as. Much of an advance notices I can
give. The men's group meets on the 2nd
and 4th Monday, 7:30 PM Eastern Time.
And on the 5th Monday, if there is one, we'll have a Coed
blended experience. I can't speak to exactly what
that'll look like. Yeah, I can't wait.
I'm so sorry about. Yeah, I, I, I we'll, we'll see.
We'll see because we got two more men's groups, so I'm going
to push that for the next couple of weeks and see how many people
we can get to show up to that. But the ladies show up and ours
is December 11th, right? The next one is on.
On Thursday, right, OK, Yeah, So if you're hearing this and it'll
be. Tuesday, December 9th, the next
herpes support group for women is going to actually be on
Thursday, December 11th, 2025. So, and I know that somebody can
listen to this years down the road, I don't want you to be
disappointed, but as long as there are support groups, you'll
be able to find it at www.spfpp.org.
We still have the survey taking responses SP fpp.org/herpes Dash
survey. And yeah, we, we need more
responses than we have. I, I'm, it's so odd to me that I
didn't put any effort into a survey that I put together in
2021. I had no help.
It was just me asking the questions that I want to answer
to. We got 1100 responses.
Then, you know, I get IRB approval, I get people a
proofread. I got data analyst to help me
and I think we might have it's like 70 something responses and
I'm like, damn. And and this has been up for a
minute and I've been talking about it on the podcast.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Thank you. And I'm just like, damn, like
what? I maybe it's because I put so
much love and and presence into the 2021 survey and this time,
like I put the professionalism into, I was like, Hey, y'all,
the professionals, what do y'all need from me?
I'm gonna give it to y'all. And now like it's it.
We can actually run reports and shit.
We can see what age, what race sex, like we can set these
filters and pull that information and get statistics.
So we have the ability to get this great information, but we
don't have enough a good enough sample size.
How many actual size? What sample size do you want?
It's we can get up. To however many but I.
Was thinking that at least we'd have 1000 people by now.
There's nothing. Yeah, I think.
Over a very short period and in 2021, the algorithm was
different. More of my content was shown to
people than it is now. Like I'll post a story to my
Instagram story and maybe like 40 people who see it right now.
And in the past, it's been hundreds at least of people that
would see, oh, OK, Courtney's got a survey and then people
would see it shared and everything.
So even as I'm closing out the podcast, I'm, I'm leaning
towards just not really utilizing social media either
because people are finding the website and I want to do more of
that. And I want to be more hands on
with the support groups and being able to bring more
offerings to the people who are here and invested and they do
more of the speaking opportunities.
I've stopped applying for grants and I have a huge, huge donation
coming that's going to support me in creating examples of what
it's like to talk about sexual health with partners.
To be able to hire actors and to be able to create the videos to
where maybe you see someone on a date and they get to the point
where they're finishing their food and somebody's like, hey,
let's get up out here and go back to my place.
And them having that conversation there, them having
a conversation maybe when clothes are on or clothes are
off, or maybe they're like getting up out of the bed the
next morning and someone has like, I should tell them one of
those moments. So I want to be able to create
these scenarios for people to see real time.
Hey, here's what this can look like so that they have the
option of being able to move forward how they want to.
And that's invaluable. Your work is invaluable it.
Really is. So thank you for doing it and
keep, keep, keep it up, please. Yeah, All right, y'all.
So that concludes this episode of something positive for
positive people. Please still like rate, review,
share, subscribe to this podcast.
I don't know if there's going to be a season 2.
I know that at this point, like I feel the most complete with
the podcast and it's it's time to move forward to other things.
I don't know what episode 400 is gonna be about now that I know
that this one is more of that. No, we.
Good. I think that this was better
than me just talking at the audience about this cuz I would
probably have made this a 2 hour podcast episode of just me
talking easily. So I don't know, I'll probably
do something else. But yeah, my gratitude to you
for being a guest. My gratitude to all the guests
that I've had and for all the support that I've been getting
and the people who will maybe hear this and decide, damn, you
know, I want to talk more about God or spirituality or the
universe or even atheism, right? Like whatever background you
have, let's let's talk about it because I think that the atomic
living is a fit for it's like the raw material, the raw
language of all of what we would consider to be religion, whether
it be the Bible or from yoga or like in my case, I say like
anime for me has given me what I think the Bible might have been
useful for, which is just a guide on how to live a whole
life and how to experience heaven while we're here in this
phase. So the more of us that we can
get to that place, I think the the happier I think we'll have a
world and the more peace that we'll experience collectively.
So I'm doing that through herpes baby.
Let's go. All right, All right y'all Till
the next episode which will be 400 stay present.