1 00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:07,040 Hello and welcome to Something Positive for Positive People, 2 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:11,640 for the Brains and Positive. Positive People is A-519-C3 3 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,720 nonprofit organization serving people who are navigating her 4 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:20,360 big stick. And I'm finally getting around 5 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:26,040 to recording episode 400. It's February 17th, 2026 and 6 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:32,000 I've been promising this since December and I, I want to take 7 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,160 accountability. You can take accountability like 8 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:38,400 saying I was going to do something and then I'm because I 9 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:42,000 very much am the kind of person who I do what I say I'm going to 10 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:47,640 do and really there's no excuse. A lot of things have been 11 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:51,440 happening. I have been really, really busy 12 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,480 with in a good way, in a good way. 13 00:00:54,080 --> 00:01:02,800 Just for perspective, in 2025 we had 277 support calls, 9 notes 14 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:09,680 that I've tracked and more than half of those came after July. 15 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:17,160 And the 2026 for January, we had 70, 8 or 77 support call sign 16 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,000 ups and that was working like in January. 17 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:22,880 I want to say about 10 to 15% of people who sign up don't show 18 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:25,240 up. I get a couple like troll people 19 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:28,200 who take the time to fill out the support call form and then I 20 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,960 contact them and they're like, I don't know what you're talking 21 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,800 about. So I can only assume somebody 22 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:38,080 probably signed up for them. They don't know anything about 23 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:41,040 it, but it is what it is. And for the month of February, 24 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:44,520 roughly 40 people have signed up for support codes. 25 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:53,600 And that just speaks to one avenue of how busy Also yoga 26 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:58,600 therapy training almost done. I have two more class modules to 27 00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,880 complete and then I have a 50 hour project that I have to kind 28 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:04,520 of create a model and I'm thinking of putting something 29 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:11,520 together for how I've been using yoga therapy with clients to 30 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:13,320 support them through herpes sticking. 31 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,040 In addition to that, I spent one part time teaching them on the 32 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:20,200 genital exams on the male and loss from teaching association 33 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:25,360 of schools City New York City ish. 34 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:27,800 I don't want to say the state because like anything I can't 35 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:31,280 get to within three hours. I don't know if I I ain't got it 36 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:37,160 in to to do any travel behind, but in addition to that, I've 37 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:43,720 been dating and I came to some hard realizations very, very 38 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:47,640 recently that I'll talk about that in this podcast episode. 39 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:51,560 In addition to that, I'm AW2 employee of something possible 40 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:54,880 for possible people, which I should have been over the last 41 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:58,720 nine years, but timing, it's everything. 42 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:03,000 And now I'm officially registered in the state of New 43 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,760 York. They took the money from the 44 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:07,280 check and I had the right to fill out the registration 45 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,640 paperwork. So a lot of what I've been doing 46 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:14,520 is taking the time that I would say about 5 hours a week is what 47 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:20,080 goes into the podcast. If you go and factor in not just 48 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,800 the recording and editing, but if I'm doing it with a guest, I 49 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,920 have to do outreach. We got to make sure that they're 50 00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,760 on the same page. We got to also make sure to 51 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:30,440 create marketing materials to make it worth their times, 52 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,720 website and whatever social media platforms. 53 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:38,960 And then uploading, I don't edit, I should, but editing 54 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:42,480 typically in my experience, for every 15 minutes of content, 55 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,560 there's about an hour of editing that had gone into that at the 56 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:50,440 time, but I, it's just me. So I think that I'm able to save 57 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,920 a lot of the time. But with that five hours a week 58 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,480 I've had the I've been able to do a lot of admin stuff. 59 00:03:56,760 --> 00:04:01,120 I've been able to go back and backtrack and revise things on 60 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:04,200 the website, which I think has really contributed to the 61 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:08,280 momentum we've been building in terms of having people finding 62 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,120 the website. There's been a lot of people who 63 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:13,040 have found something possible for possible people immediately 64 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:16,800 after they're diagnosis. So but then days, even leaving 65 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:19,000 the doctor's office, reaching out saying hey, you know, the 66 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:21,480 oldest adults are coming, the results are coming. 67 00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:24,800 And my doctor told me to look for a support group. 68 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:27,360 And that's another thing I've been able to do. 69 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,440 The first and third Mondays of each month I have a women's 70 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:33,680 support group which I lead. And then there is the men's 71 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:36,920 support group, probably the second and 4th Monday of the 72 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,560 month. All of these are 7:30 PM Eastern 73 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,000 Time. And if there's the fifth Monday, 74 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:44,200 the group's Co Ed and I'll bring somebody in to share their 75 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,920 experience and answer whatever questions people they have. 76 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,080 I've been given some opportunities to speak. 77 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:55,600 We have the STARS workshop where I'll be responsible for the 78 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:58,800 sexual health flourishing with Doctor Evelyn Decker that's 79 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,920 happening in Oregon on March 7th. 80 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:05,160 If you're interested in hitting me up, no, I will be doing some 81 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,840 traveling while I'm out there on the West Coast. 82 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,720 I might as well. So I'm going to go visit some 83 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:12,240 friends and make some time to do some things that are really 84 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:15,560 going to do. And it'll be March, so it should 85 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,800 be warming. I want to say it's been a lot of 86 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,520 snow out here on the East Coast and Brooklyn. 87 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:25,000 So I'm looking forward to escaping from some of that. 88 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:28,080 I have the National 6 AG Conference, which is actually 89 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:30,440 next week. I present on, it's maybe 5th, 90 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:33,280 just talking about how we can minimize her big stadium. 91 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:37,040 It's kind of nothing. I go to these presentations now 92 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:42,920 and I actually made not a PowerPoint, but I made it in 93 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:45,760 camp, so I got slides. Now I'm looking real 94 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:47,640 professional. I got some feedback from 95 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:51,000 presenting at Coppice State University last year. 96 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:55,520 Shout out to the Title 9 coordinator there. 97 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,600 I don't know how people feel about people's mid man. 98 00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,240 So I can just say that if you want to go find a good luck, go 99 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:03,600 ahead, go for me. But yeah, she gave me some 100 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,280 really good feedback. And some of that feedback was to 101 00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:08,960 make a presentation. And it landed really, really 102 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,320 well. Last year, the first half of the 103 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:15,960 year, I said this a few times, but the first half of 2025 was 104 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:19,480 not claimed to be. And I just passed the one year 105 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:24,640 mark of where my relationship, you know, ended, you know, 106 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:27,280 verbally to say because, you know, it's still like the term 107 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,600 here when you think, you know, somebody might be getting back 108 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:33,240 together or whatever. So I had some really tough 109 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:39,360 feelings coming up for myself over that week, yesterday. 110 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,520 Yeah. It was a little bit about a week 111 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,360 and a half ago that I was hitting the anniversary. 112 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:47,800 And during that time, like, I recognized some high, 113 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,960 emotionally intense and charged feelings. 114 00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:55,080 And I tried to, you know, set that aside from the other things 115 00:06:55,080 --> 00:07:00,840 that I act, but I recognize that was still something that 116 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:05,960 affected me. And yeah, and I did some work 117 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:10,320 around that for myself and ultimately came to the 118 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:15,400 realization that I don't know, people were wrong about me. 119 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:20,040 I can't, I can't listen to what other people say because I left 120 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:25,360 myself in very impressionable, the sense that both I let both 121 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,640 my ex and my therapist tell me I was something I'm not. 122 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:30,840 They both were like, yeah, you're polyamorous. 123 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:35,000 Like, no, that doesn't fit. And then in accepting that 124 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:41,120 identity and that label for myself, I think that I started 125 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:46,440 to act in a way that I believe to be polyamorous. 126 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:50,320 But also coming out of the relationship where if you think 127 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:52,640 you're going to be with somebody for this in your life, right? 128 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:57,920 Like I think that maybe you there's a cord cutting type 129 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:03,480 thing that needs to happen where there's also time to recalibrate 130 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:06,120 yourself. Otherwise what will happen is 131 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:09,040 what happened to me where anybody who came into the 132 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:14,320 picture immediately after, like not just the breakup, but like 133 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:17,120 the time that I thought was enough time before I started 134 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:19,240 dating anybody. I gave myself three months of 135 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:24,240 grieving from the time that the relationship ended before I 136 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:28,120 started. And then I was still finding 137 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:31,600 myself treating people the same way, like treating people like a 138 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:38,400 relationship and not doing a lot of the things that people do 139 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,760 when they're dating someone or when they're getting to know 140 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:45,720 somebody new. And it took me until literally 141 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:51,560 mid January to realize, oh, that's what I'm still doing. 142 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:58,640 And when I had that realization, I started to do some research. 143 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:03,000 I reached out to a relationship coach, shout out the cat, she's 144 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:07,480 a polyamorous dating coach. And I was like, hey, I don't 145 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:10,840 think I'm polyamorous. I really don't believe that's a 146 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:14,880 good catch. And so we got into it like she 147 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,800 has raps for me. She has language for me. 148 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:21,440 And one of the things that she pointed out to me was that 149 00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:27,320 something worth looking into working on is appropriate 150 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:32,880 distances with people between like your immediate circle and 151 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,840 then you've got like your communities, your friends, 152 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:40,240 friend groups, family, and then further outside of that, like 153 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:44,480 people that you associate with or this is where you have like 154 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:48,120 casual relationships. And I've been looking at atoms. 155 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:50,880 You know, I had to bring it up. And that that makes sense 156 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:53,480 because there's the nucleus of the atom where this is where 157 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:57,520 your poor closest values beliefs are. 158 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,560 And then the second shell, which is where like that's more 159 00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:06,480 community friends and whatnot. I believe this is where like 160 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:10,240 your consistent behaviors exist. And the shell 3 is like the 161 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:13,920 testing ground for new things, new people, how you engage with 162 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:18,320 the world and the reality reflected around you from that's 163 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,560 based off of your inner, like your outer world is reflective 164 00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:24,320 of your inner. So looking for upward, we're 165 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:29,280 looking at the third shell of an atom as a reality, real world 166 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:31,480 picture of what's happening in internal. 167 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:36,200 So if there's inconsistencies between your nucleus, which is 168 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:41,240 your behaviors and your beliefs and your identity, then the 3D 169 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,360 World will show you a picture that you're kind of like, wait a 170 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,920 minute, that's weird, that's inconsistent. 171 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:52,000 And that that that's been the case for me over some time. 172 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:56,960 And I couldn't speak to it because I know at the time, like 173 00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,800 coming out of that relationship, I was going to read back for a 174 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:04,560 minute. And so any relationship that 175 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:08,600 would have come to fruition through that, there was not a 176 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:14,200 grounded version of me that was sustainably conveniently kind of 177 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:17,520 connections with relationships and ended up seeing people who 178 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:22,800 do also identify as Polly Amber spanning when I came to the 179 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,680 realization that maybe that's not me. 180 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:30,640 I think that what I did was appropriately and quickly give 181 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:34,320 that information, especially because I know that that kind of 182 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:37,160 thing is important to people. Like some conversations that 183 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,520 we've had is like, as a polyamorous person, should they 184 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:43,320 monogamous people or are they only they non monogamous people 185 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:46,440 or amorous people? So and having these 186 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:50,880 conversations with me is like a real celebratory thing to like 187 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:55,520 have some clarity around my identity, recognizing who I am, 188 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:59,920 what makes me up, whom I'm not and where the inconsistencies 189 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:04,120 are for me and we're not presented goes to the people 190 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:05,480 around me. I don't know if it was in my 191 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:11,360 presentation talking to me or what, but I got a lot of like, 192 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:14,960 not what I expected. Let's just say that. 193 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:21,800 And I take responsibility for I guess it can feel like maybe 194 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:24,600 using people that that that's the closest thing. 195 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:28,440 Like there was guilt initially because First off, I didn't 196 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:32,160 expect for the reactions that I got, some interactions that I 197 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,840 got. But in hindsight and talking to 198 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:39,440 people, what ended up happening was I go from my relationship 199 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:43,920 thinking that I had enough time to, you know, be single or like 200 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:48,480 be by myself And with what was happening for me and entering 201 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:52,480 into these relationships under the identity of polyamorous and 202 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,760 that that that means different things to different people. 203 00:12:56,080 --> 00:13:02,400 But I adopted this label that that didn't align with me, and I 204 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:05,160 only did it because this is what other people told incredible 205 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,320 people. I seen one that I thought I was 206 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,240 spending the rest of my life as a partner. 207 00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:11,800 And then my therapist who I've been working with for five 208 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:15,720 years, right? So entering the world of dating 209 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:19,080 now being like and polyamorous, there were people who, you know, 210 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:23,160 that became close and I want to say like grounded me. 211 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:26,600 Like really grounded me because I was not OK. 212 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:32,920 I was, I can use the word depressed in this context 213 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:37,120 because and like, I'm not somebody who believes in 214 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:44,160 attaching the identity to these things that aren't identifiers, 215 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,080 right? You can be depressed and 216 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:50,040 identifying them or you can have depression or have had 217 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:52,720 depression, right? So the more accurate 218 00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:57,400 articulation of this is that I had depression and it looked 219 00:13:57,400 --> 00:14:02,640 very different than what I think it can look like for a lot of 220 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:05,120 other people. And that depression didn't just 221 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:09,400 it didn't start when the breakup happened in February. 222 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:14,800 It didn't start when the the reality of our this relationship 223 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:20,200 over like that's, that's it. It didn't start at the point of 224 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:28,120 realizing, OK, like I'm happy and I'm able to be myself now. 225 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:33,480 It was almost like little, little itty bitty. 226 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,200 It's like dead by 1000 paper cuts, right? 227 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:41,400 Because even at that time, my great grandmother went to the 228 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:44,960 hospital, my college roommate had passed away. 229 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:50,720 I shortly after like my hormone was destroyed by a tornado, 230 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:54,240 which ultimately ended up being a blessing in the long run. 231 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:59,080 But these were things that were happening in my life that really 232 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:01,600 fucking rocked my world, disordered to me. 233 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:05,600 And I ain't even had time since those days because all you know, 234 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:09,800 the while I'm still trying to make sure to sustain this right, 235 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:16,440 like this vehicle of my passion, purpose, and the theme that has 236 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:20,800 in fact kept me drowned it to some extent over the last 100 237 00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:29,480 years now. And I, I wasn't fit to manage it 238 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:34,520 in the way that it has been managed over time, like 239 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:39,640 throughout the years of it being consistently a podcast, a space 240 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:42,840 where people can go and get herpes information, etcetera. 241 00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:47,640 And that was because I was all over the place. 242 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:51,720 I was not around. I was very much like, I didn't 243 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:54,240 have a job. Technically I wasn't working. 244 00:15:54,320 --> 00:16:02,080 I did work, but I, I wasn't carrying that same momentum from 245 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,760 something possible for possible people. 246 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:07,480 And in fact, I also, you know, previously I was really locked 247 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:11,320 in and focused on the men's emotional Wellness work through 248 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:15,680 Self, which was a nonprofit that I had started, you know, while 249 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:19,880 in my previous relationship. And I was ready to abandon this 250 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:21,920 shit. I was ready to leave something 251 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:28,000 positive alone, right? And do that full like fully and 252 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:32,880 things were working out to where it could have happened, but it 253 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:34,000 did. It didn't work out. 254 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:37,640 And I had gotten to a point where I realized I was spread 255 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:42,880 then and if I had to make some decisions and and making those 256 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:46,480 decisions again, all of this stuff happening in the 257 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:51,720 background, undercurrent things, I ended up, you know, losing 258 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,960 that relationship. I lost, you know, the what self 259 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,640 was. I lost my identity. 260 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:04,000 And yeah, I lost I lost the community as well. 261 00:17:04,079 --> 00:17:09,720 I got in hindsight, you know, I recognize that the sex education 262 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:16,079 space is primarily not all the way straight women at least. 263 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:19,560 And I'm one of very few heterosexual men that are in 264 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:25,880 Hispanics. And the identity aspect of it, I 265 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:29,000 think, you know, I came down to at the end of the day, I'm 266 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,560 straight man. So like if somebody got to get 267 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:35,640 elbowed out of the space, you know, between, you know, 268 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:40,640 selecting from two people who I guess like, I don't know what 269 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:44,680 the narrative is. But if there was any issues 270 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,920 before me, it's like I said, I was choked. 271 00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:54,280 And so now having lost that community too, there was so much 272 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:58,640 of a loss of identity despite having learned so much from it. 273 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:02,400 And I would forever be grateful for the opportunity to can. 274 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:06,320 I'm a co-author In the book I get to put that I presented at 275 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,000 various conferences on my resume. 276 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:13,920 I have the experience language of being able to be a much more 277 00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:18,520 supportive personal resource to populations of people that 278 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,520 otherwise would never have had exposure to. 279 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:24,000 And also had a lot of fun. I had a lot of fun connecting 280 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:28,320 with people like a guy had some great relationships and sexual 281 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,720 experiences, has career opportunities. 282 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:36,520 So, yeah, it, it, there was a lot of, there was a lot of loss, 283 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:40,240 there was a lot of grief and grief is not linear. 284 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,120 That's what it did, Antonio said. 285 00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:45,280 That's, that's one of my yoga therapy instructors, 286 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:49,240 instructors. And all the while still trying 287 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:52,600 to like, I still had things that I had to do, but I could only do 288 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:54,120 what was right in front of me at the time. 289 00:18:54,960 --> 00:19:02,000 And I, I look up now and it feels like I'm just waking up 290 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:05,840 from that fucking nightmare of an experience. 291 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,280 Mind you, stuff still had to happen. 292 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:11,800 Like I got to New York and I think I was just on autopilot. 293 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:19,520 I was on autopilot from July, shit, probably through August, 294 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:22,000 September. And that's where I think things 295 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,920 started to really ramp up for me and the reality of, yo, what are 296 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:30,520 you doing this shit? Remember in 2023, I said, I was 297 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:33,000 like, I'm moving to New York, moved to New York. 298 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:36,800 I was coming out here for things with the health departments and 299 00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:39,680 documentary showing and screening. 300 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:43,240 And there was there were a handful of things that were 301 00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:44,880 happening out here. And I was like to him, you know, 302 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:48,200 if I come out here and like, just put this here, what could 303 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,400 happen? And I'm experiencing that. 304 00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:56,960 And it doesn't look nearly as clear as I anticipated when I 305 00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:59,400 was making a decision right here. 306 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:01,560 But it looks the way that it has to look. 307 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:08,920 I'm now in a place where being forced into like, not having 308 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,760 that support, that community, that foundation, I got to build 309 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:16,600 my own, like I, I, I lost people. 310 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:20,600 I lost people as a result of that breakup. 311 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:25,320 And you know, one thing that I'll say that I learned, you 312 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,960 know, from that relationship ending is like she used to save 313 00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:33,440 you everybody and your friend and tied into my relationship 314 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:37,000 coaching call and she was like, Hey, you need to appropriately 315 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,960 place people. I was like, damn, that statement 316 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:46,840 makes a lot more sense now. So is is interesting to be able 317 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:51,320 to receive the same kind of information from a place of 318 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:54,840 having had experiences and then develop a little bit more 319 00:20:54,840 --> 00:21:00,360 maturity now and having been a way from a place that, yeah, a 320 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:04,760 lot of my identity was interconnected with that space. 321 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:08,520 And I used to believe that I needed to have like a separate 322 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:10,960 identity from something positive, positive people 323 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,800 because it felt like that was making up who I am. 324 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:20,480 But the reality is like it's the other way around, like who I am, 325 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,200 like something positive is an extension important. 326 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:27,960 And I was letting people get into my head about, you know, 327 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:31,960 Courtney being an extension of some positive, positive people. 328 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:38,200 That ain't that ain't the case. And as I, you know, go back to 329 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:42,280 just everything that was going on at that time. 330 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:44,280 Yeah. Like I looked up and was just in 331 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:48,520 relationships after being so ungrounded, finally receiving 332 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:53,320 some type of grounding to be able to settle myself into this 333 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:57,960 newfound space that I'm in. Being in New York, being a full 334 00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,440 time employee of my own nonprofit organization, you 335 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:04,920 know, and managing all of that. Navigating that growth, like the 336 00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:09,360 growth that has happened since sitting my ass down in a place 337 00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:14,800 that lies in an environment that lines with my identity as I 338 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:18,920 mean, I'm fucking different. Like I'm adjacent to a lot of 339 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:22,720 spaces and there is no, you know, people say the herpes 340 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,960 community, like the herpes community, it's it's like, it's 341 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:28,800 like if you have a lighter and you're flickering the lighter 342 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:30,480 and it's just not catching flame. 343 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:33,680 Whereas you have the sex positive community that you 344 00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:35,280 know, you like that. You know what it is? 345 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:37,920 There's fire there, King community, fire there, rope, 346 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:42,240 LGBT, black men, right? You have all of these things 347 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:45,840 that have a long lasting fire, right? 348 00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:49,000 Whereas for me with the herpes community, it's just a constant 349 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:51,880 flickering, right? Maybe people show up to things. 350 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,360 Well, maybe people sign up and show up to things that are in 351 00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:57,040 person. Maybe people, you know, engage 352 00:22:57,120 --> 00:22:59,880 and maybe people want to do the advocacy day. 353 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:04,520 And I feel like I was part of a fighter, especially in the sex 354 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:08,280 education space until, you know, recent events. 355 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:15,520 And so even in that I felt the same way about polyamory, I felt 356 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:19,920 the same way about like even being an ally to the LGBT 357 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:25,120 community, even with like ropes. And more recently, like I'm 358 00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:28,200 getting into dance classes. I've been going to zoo classes 359 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:31,200 for about 6 months now and getting a lot comfortable with 360 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:33,840 that. Like it feels that everything 361 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:37,240 that I'm making effort to involve myself with like just 362 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:42,440 doesn't catch. And I was listening to I was 363 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:45,440 scrolling Instagram and Shannon Blues room did a podcast. 364 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,960 But I think when Nick came in his vibes or ex wives, but she 365 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:53,240 made a comment, she was like, Nick isn't polyamory. 366 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:57,080 She was like he always says to label me is to disable me. 367 00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,280 I felt that shit my soul. Yeah. 368 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:03,200 I was like, damn, you know, I'm not A and even I've been hanging 369 00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:05,680 out with people who are in like the Burning Man community as 370 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:09,280 well, which I always have, but I never felt like a burner myself. 371 00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:11,920 And it's like, you want bugs? I was like, I can't say that. 372 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:15,440 Like I'm adjacent to y'all. Like I enjoy, you know, hanging 373 00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:17,520 out with y'all doing what it is that we do. 374 00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:20,120 Like it's real cool. Like I enjoy experiencing this, 375 00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:25,800 but that's y'all culture and having to having gotten to this 376 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:34,920 point, like I realized that my my own identity culture, the 377 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:41,040 this is a very interesting intersection of adjacencies that 378 00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:44,560 have combined to make me who I feel like I am. 379 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:48,160 And I can't I can't put that in the language. 380 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:50,240 I can't put into language. You know, these are my 381 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:53,160 identifiers. This is what I believe in and 382 00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:57,640 this is what I stand for. I believe that through the thing 383 00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:01,760 that applies for me, like taking something positive for positive 384 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:06,120 people like this as an extension of me, it goes beyond supporting 385 00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:08,280 people living with herpes. It goes beyond the mental health 386 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:09,720 piece. It goes beyond the yoga. 387 00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:17,840 Like this in itself is a literal example of taking the negativity 388 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:23,280 of a herpes diagnosis and creating something with that. 389 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:31,200 Like I've said this in past episodes, positive definition is 390 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:34,800 it means presence. The word negative just means 391 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:37,720 absolute like or infinite potential, right? 392 00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:42,680 Like it's a negative charge, but positivity and negativity are 393 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:46,360 drawn to each other, right? These two forces, they attract, 394 00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:50,200 but they never completely merge. So these to me are two 395 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,480 complementary forces to each other that when in safe 396 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:57,720 proximity, like there's the opportunity to do something with 397 00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:01,800 the boat. And this is a perfect example of 398 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:06,120 what happens when you take negative positive and you apply 399 00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:09,360 your consciousness, your awareness, the power of choice 400 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:13,560 to put them in like a dance. So the way that negativity 401 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,360 works, it's like negativity represents motion, it's 402 00:26:16,360 --> 00:26:20,240 constantly moving and positivity represents stillness. 403 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:25,360 And it's like a song. It's like a constant hum that 404 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:29,440 electrons are or negativity is drawn to. 405 00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:33,840 And it's when we bring our awareness to this music, think 406 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:39,520 about like a constant. And you know, we got that as the 407 00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:43,080 proton, which is still the neutron or the electron, which 408 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:46,000 is constantly motion, and the neutron, which is a neutral 409 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,760 force. That's us, our power of choice 410 00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:52,680 and where we put our awareness. It's almost like we, we give a 411 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:58,200 rhythm to that. So if the protons going and we 412 00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:01,720 come in and we like, we muffle that or amplify it. 413 00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:11,160 So we change it to a. Right. 414 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:14,760 The electrons which are constantly in motion, negativity 415 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:20,080 will align in an orbit that naturally is created by the 416 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,600 forces of nature. That I will not go all the way 417 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:27,280 into, but I've been, I've been reading up and it's been 418 00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:34,000 existing in that way where I am the neutron force, that Rep that 419 00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:36,400 has been focusing more on stillness. 420 00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:38,120 Like my mantra has become do nothing. 421 00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:42,360 And the things that are in motion to the rhythm of that 422 00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:48,600 stillness orbit in the way that like atoms have electrons in 423 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:53,400 their orbit, right? And that's been the way that 424 00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:57,520 I've been living my life and getting myself out of that 425 00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:03,760 depressed state that I was in and being able to align myself 426 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,400 in an environment that nurtures my nature. 427 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,200 And that'll be something that I'll probably hear me say a lot 428 00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:14,200 more later down the road. But the the ultimate goal here 429 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:18,320 is that what something positive for positive people does is it 430 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:21,440 nurtures my nature as an extension of who I am. 431 00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:25,920 Me being able to infinitely pour myself, my presence, my 432 00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:29,520 resources, time, money, energy, attention, all of that into this 433 00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:35,160 space. It's like giving a rhythm to 434 00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:39,040 that constant hum of positivity, of stillness, right? 435 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:43,520 Napoleon Hill in the book, outwriting the devil in the 436 00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:46,760 book, the devil describes himself as all negative energy 437 00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:49,560 or the negative portion of the atom, which is the electron. 438 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:53,800 So that's the devil and God being the positive force 439 00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:57,880 positivity of the proton. And as the neutral force 440 00:28:57,880 --> 00:29:02,240 neutron, we stabilize the proton and basically give rhythm to the 441 00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:05,920 song that it's singing because it can't move like the proton, I 442 00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:07,800 can't move, but the electrons can. 443 00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:12,200 And so they get into orbit and it's like a dance is happening. 444 00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:16,800 Like there's a I'm a DJ of my life and the awareness and 445 00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:20,680 attention that I give to the positive makes the negative fall 446 00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:23,800 in line that lines because that's infinite potential for 447 00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:27,400 energy expression. When I was going through 448 00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:30,800 everything that I was going through, my negative force was 449 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:35,280 not singing the song. It wasn't DJ, it was it left the 450 00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:39,440 turntable that was just dancing with everything out of whack and 451 00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:42,160 all over the place. And that's where disorder and 452 00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:45,840 chaos came from. Because it's almost like there's 453 00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:50,000 a blind relationship between positivity and negativity, that 454 00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:55,480 when the neutron is able to stabilize the atom and we bring 455 00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:58,840 our awareness of the positive for president, right? 456 00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:04,040 It's almost like the nucleus solidifies and those orbits 457 00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:09,080 become real for the negative energy to be able to orbit and 458 00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:14,080 the negative energy becomes an A visual expression of that 459 00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:17,320 positive energy that otherwise wouldn't be able to directly 460 00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:19,240 engage with each other. So it's like there are two 461 00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:23,080 different planes of existence, the pro, the positive energy and 462 00:30:23,080 --> 00:30:25,640 then the negative energy, and that's a neutral force. 463 00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:30,000 We create a bridge for those who interact in a way that allows 464 00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:33,440 for the proton to do what it does, which is to be powerful 465 00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:35,960 and express and for the electrons to do what they do, 466 00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:40,200 which is constantly move, but to give them purpose in the and 467 00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:42,760 that's, that's been my saving grace. 468 00:30:43,680 --> 00:30:47,280 I used to say like I was wasn't suicidal or anything like that, 469 00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:50,280 but I was lost. I was stuck, I was stagnant. 470 00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:55,760 And the more that I started to look into that relationship of 471 00:30:55,760 --> 00:31:04,600 Adam, it's like I started to see that there's a star metaphor in 472 00:31:04,600 --> 00:31:07,880 that. Like what stars do is the same 473 00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:11,000 thing that I'm describing for atoms and the same thing for 474 00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,960 people. For me, as long as I'm doing 475 00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:16,680 what I'm supposed to be doing, everything else falls into 476 00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:17,960 place. And sometimes that looks like 477 00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:23,160 doing nothing and just taking in aligned action and choosing what 478 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:25,960 it is and engagement and not chasing. 479 00:31:26,360 --> 00:31:31,480 And in that I find myself like experiencing a lot more peace, a 480 00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:36,120 lot more pleasure, a lot more contentment and a lot more just 481 00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:38,600 rhythm. And there's there's a rhythm to 482 00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:42,320 life that I think that I've found and I learned what the 483 00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:44,760 purpose of this shit is for myself. 484 00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:47,560 This may not be true for you, so I want to project my shame to 485 00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:49,960 you. But if you look at the atoms 486 00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:53,040 purpose like it's to achieve maximum evolution, minimum 487 00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:56,480 waste. So minimal effort, maximum 488 00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,600 potential is reached and there's an evolution process that 489 00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:03,200 occurs, right? Like you take in what's useful, 490 00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:04,800 you get rid of what's not useful. 491 00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:09,400 And our engagements with people, things, opportunities, 492 00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:13,960 challenges, obstacles, we evolve from those things and our 493 00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:17,200 identities change. We grow and develop and evolve. 494 00:32:18,120 --> 00:32:23,840 And that's where I find myself now having looked up and been 495 00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:26,400 like, damn, you know, I've been wearing these layers and 496 00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:29,760 identities and shit that actually, I guess it doesn't 497 00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:31,800 serve me anymore. It doesn't look fine. 498 00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:37,840 And they're still like piece of me that wants to repay my debt. 499 00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:40,480 Like the universe is big on balance. 500 00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:47,200 So I'm a firm believer in and it feels like sometimes the 501 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:56,600 decisions that I make are ones that come from the place of of 502 00:32:56,600 --> 00:32:59,320 like wanting to be ahead of the curve on karma. 503 00:32:59,520 --> 00:33:02,720 Like I want to proactively like put this out there and do the 504 00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:08,520 right thing, do what's good. But God, the universe, they 505 00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:13,840 don't reward what's right. They don't punish what's wrong. 506 00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:18,280 What it is about is alignment, right? 507 00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:22,480 You get rewarded for evolving with it and not wasting energy 508 00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:24,360 like it can't be created or destroyed. 509 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:27,520 You're giving it, you're put in that environment and what you do 510 00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:32,520 in that environment is what nature rewards in in turn. 511 00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:39,440 So the environment of me getting herpes and you know, creating 512 00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:46,120 something like this from that is ultimately like my experience 513 00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:50,480 with what I'm saying here of taking the negative and turning 514 00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:55,080 it into a vehicle for something positive, like giving it an 515 00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:59,000 outlet. So it's more than that as, you 516 00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:00,960 know, just a platform for people. 517 00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:05,360 Herpes, it's literally an extension of me and how I engage 518 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:07,280 with the world. Like I will take something 519 00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:11,040 negative and produce something positive that shouldn't work for 520 00:34:11,040 --> 00:34:14,960 people. So I can't, I can't save people. 521 00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:19,840 That's another lesson that I've learned as a result of 2025. 522 00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:24,159 And I think that not appropriately placing people has 523 00:34:24,159 --> 00:34:28,320 put me in consistent positions where, you know, I view people 524 00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:31,840 as, you know, people at the core of that. 525 00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:35,199 Like the nature of The thing is that form thing. 526 00:34:35,679 --> 00:34:38,080 So the energy, the essence of the person. 527 00:34:38,080 --> 00:34:42,199 Like I see that and want to be supportive in that, but also 528 00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:45,920 people are people and you can't save everybody. 529 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:49,239 You can't save nobody. All you can do is, you know, 530 00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:52,400 offer presents, be there with them and let them be who they 531 00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:57,000 are. And I'm, I'm learning just the 532 00:34:57,040 --> 00:35:00,720 importance of that authenticity because when you are authentic, 533 00:35:00,720 --> 00:35:03,640 you do things that align their behaviors, your beliefs align 534 00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:06,920 and the reality that is around you aligns too. 535 00:35:07,240 --> 00:35:09,480 And whenever there's any inconsistencies, you can 536 00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:13,240 approach those with curiosity and make whatever necessary 537 00:35:13,240 --> 00:35:14,800 adjustments that need to be made. 538 00:35:15,240 --> 00:35:22,160 And for me, I think that the the last few sheddings of the layers 539 00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:26,800 before I can like really see this shift boom, like I know 540 00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:33,280 it's supposed to is looking at where energy is inauthentically 541 00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:36,720 being wasted or leaking. I don't want to call it a waste, 542 00:35:36,720 --> 00:35:40,200 but where it's leaking. And I was doing that with like 543 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:44,520 trying to sustain and maintain like these super long, long 544 00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:48,160 distance relationships with people that, you know, I feel 545 00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:51,920 like I hope for being there for me at the time where I was, I 546 00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:58,600 was down and I was like, damn. And yeah, it feels shitty. 547 00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:05,240 But like also being nice is kind of what what what got me into 548 00:36:05,240 --> 00:36:07,960 this situation, like listening to other people, not being like, 549 00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:09,680 hey, that don't that don't feel right. 550 00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:13,960 I'm not going to do that. And boundaries are another thing 551 00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:16,120 that came up as an issue in my last relationship. 552 00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:17,800 So like she she was right about some things. 553 00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:21,320 And some of those things have resurfaced even a year later. 554 00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:24,160 And on one hand, it's like, damn, have I really not changed? 555 00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:26,320 On the other hand, it's like, damn, you know, this is really 556 00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:29,840 who I am. And that and being able to 557 00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:34,560 present that, like people be able to see me for whom I am, to 558 00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:38,560 take me as I am. But also to me, I haven't lived 559 00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:43,160 that shit and be forthcoming about like hey this is what's 560 00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:47,560 important to me. Like my work through something 561 00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:50,920 possible for positive people. If it's not this, if they cure 562 00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:54,040 herpes tomorrow, there will be something else that comes out of 563 00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:57,000 my there will be something else that comes out as an extension. 564 00:36:58,240 --> 00:37:04,160 And I've been a very like non attached like not jealous person 565 00:37:04,160 --> 00:37:09,080 but not give a fuck. I give AI care and this is a 566 00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:14,000 thing that I care about. And I've, I've let myself, you 567 00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:20,800 know, get to a place where I've been with a person or with 568 00:37:20,800 --> 00:37:23,480 people, the people who were there for me. 569 00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:30,080 And like, my capacity to give to them was like infinite because I 570 00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:33,400 wasn't doing this. I was having 70s or 4 calls in a 571 00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:36,080 month. Was it having to do my yoga 572 00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:38,040 therapy class? I wasn't going on to work and do 573 00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:41,240 the genital exams sometimes like I had, I had that shit three 574 00:37:41,240 --> 00:37:45,640 days in a week like 2 weeks ago. It was 2 weeks ago, three days 575 00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:47,040 in a week. That is unheard of. 576 00:37:47,040 --> 00:37:51,680 I usually do three days a month and prioritizing like 577 00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:54,760 maintaining that self sustainability, prioritizing 578 00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:57,280 making an effort to build a community. 579 00:37:57,560 --> 00:38:01,120 And I was doing this shit backwards because like to me, I 580 00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:02,880 wanted to just pick up where I left off. 581 00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:06,880 And being in the kind of relationship that I thought that 582 00:38:07,040 --> 00:38:10,520 I had, I was working towards because it was almost like, yes, 583 00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:13,000 we fucking beat the game, but let's get the Sonic. 584 00:38:14,720 --> 00:38:19,560 And the reality is that that was it the case. 585 00:38:19,560 --> 00:38:24,520 And looking back now, like I can see there have been people that 586 00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:28,080 I've seen who like they want a future, but I gave them Drake. 587 00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:33,360 And what I mean by that is like they just wanted something, a 588 00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:37,160 one time thing, a casual hookup. And then I like gave them lover 589 00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:40,200 boy Courtney who was in a relationship. 590 00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:45,400 So it was just like the residuals of not having not not 591 00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:48,760 separate the times because that doesn't that doesn't find like 592 00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:54,760 having to get out of that mode of this is how I engage with the 593 00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:58,400 person that I call partner. And this is also how I engage 594 00:38:58,400 --> 00:39:01,080 with the person I call friend. And this is how I engage with 595 00:39:01,080 --> 00:39:06,120 the person that I do work with. Like I believe in treating 596 00:39:06,240 --> 00:39:08,760 people, you know, the way I'm going to treat people. 597 00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:12,800 But what I've learned is that the discernment is important, 598 00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:14,880 right? Like keep people, you know, 599 00:39:14,880 --> 00:39:19,240 where they rightfully belong. And that's something that I've 600 00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:24,840 only just now learned to you let people get closer as they earn 601 00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:28,160 the right to be closer. And don't just start people out 602 00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:31,720 with unequal insurance. That's a hard thing for me 603 00:39:31,720 --> 00:39:34,720 because it's what I've done. Like that's who I have been. 604 00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:39,280 And on a recent relationship, like she told me she's like, we 605 00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:43,640 got to spam, what are you doing? I was like what you mean because 606 00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:48,760 to me that was just my normal and that normal that shit don't 607 00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:52,640 work that shit don't always work and apply to everybody. 608 00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:57,880 So I'm I'm sharing this because people been asking me like how 609 00:39:57,880 --> 00:40:02,760 you been and now I'm that. A good enough place to where 610 00:40:03,240 --> 00:40:06,800 this experience is something that I think highlights one of 611 00:40:06,800 --> 00:40:09,680 the points that I've made over the years is that this shit 612 00:40:09,680 --> 00:40:13,080 going way bigger than I got herpes and I I'm scared of 613 00:40:13,080 --> 00:40:16,080 rejection. I don't have to tell anybody 614 00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:20,360 because I'm scared of rejection. That's what you're scared of. 615 00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:24,800 I get it, right? We, we get newly diagnosed and, 616 00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:26,960 you know, our world turns upside down. 617 00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:32,480 We don't know what's what. But also, man, like, that can be 618 00:40:32,520 --> 00:40:36,640 a reason, an excuse to not look at other things that could be 619 00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:39,400 more prevalent, more so impacting you. 620 00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:44,320 And in my case, like, yeah, the the herpes wasn't an issue. 621 00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:48,120 Relationship wasn't an issue about dreaming passing. 622 00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:50,960 It was an issue on the movie The tornado. 623 00:40:51,240 --> 00:40:55,720 It wasn't an issue in any of the relationships that I was in. 624 00:40:56,720 --> 00:41:02,840 But the real issue was for me, like what comes to mind again, 625 00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:07,960 like there's two things I need to speak to 1 is I guess maybe 626 00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:10,800 some sabotage in a way, but I can remember when I was like 627 00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:14,400 1213 years old friend Nick, rest in peace. 628 00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:18,920 He he actually passed away during the Joplin tornadoes, 629 00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:23,760 Joplin, MO tornadoes years ago. Like that's something that was 630 00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:27,760 happening to me because it's like I lost my 2 best friends 631 00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:31,880 with childhood to a tornado. We had lost contact as we just 632 00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:34,440 got older and when we got high school, when I found that I 633 00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:40,640 almost but I remember he was dating this girl and he he was a 634 00:41:40,640 --> 00:41:43,840 year older. She was like my Big Brother and 635 00:41:43,840 --> 00:41:46,920 he had put me on her sister. And so we were talking, we 636 00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:50,960 dated, texted and all that and we finally got to meet, go to 637 00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:54,080 the movies, right? So this was we go to the movies 638 00:41:54,360 --> 00:41:58,680 and she comes around the corner, see her and I just fucking take 639 00:41:58,680 --> 00:42:01,320 off, right? I just I took off of it. 640 00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:05,160 I don't know what it was, but I ran right. 641 00:42:05,720 --> 00:42:10,800 And so that's one part of it that I'm going to share because 642 00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:14,400 the, the reason that I'm bringing that up is this is like 643 00:42:14,400 --> 00:42:18,760 the first time that I can really, you know, gauge a 644 00:42:18,760 --> 00:42:22,200 relationship with women and that I've had in relationships with 645 00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:25,080 women. And another piece of that is 646 00:42:25,280 --> 00:42:28,080 that there was a distance, but then boom, we got too close in 647 00:42:28,080 --> 00:42:30,320 proximity. Like here you are like tangible. 648 00:42:30,320 --> 00:42:32,880 I could see you, put my hands with you, touch you, hug you, 649 00:42:33,320 --> 00:42:36,400 and I'll fucking run. It was like, no, it's too close. 650 00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:41,400 And I had a recent experience with that as well, like 651 00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:45,520 literally 2 days ago, three 2-3 days ago where we got too close. 652 00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:48,320 And I just, I found the reason to be like, this ain't for me. 653 00:42:49,360 --> 00:42:55,960 This ain't for me and there's something to be said for there 654 00:42:55,960 --> 00:42:59,080 being like a safety and proximity and distance to 655 00:42:59,560 --> 00:43:04,560 because like a longer distance relationship because 12 year old 656 00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:06,080 me, I'm I'm three times that age. 657 00:43:06,120 --> 00:43:10,120 I don't live not the 12 year old, but up through the 24 year 658 00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:12,320 old and now through the 36 year old. 659 00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:16,320 And I still see how that manifests now in adulthood where 660 00:43:16,800 --> 00:43:19,840 it's now not about, I guess it is still physical. 661 00:43:20,680 --> 00:43:25,880 So like in those short spurts of time, like the, the distance is, 662 00:43:25,920 --> 00:43:34,120 is good and yet not sustainable. But like the intensity compact 663 00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:37,680 bit of time together is like, it's great, it's perfect. 664 00:43:37,680 --> 00:43:41,440 We've got ways and get back to doing our own thing or whatever. 665 00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:47,920 And that's been something that has been safe for me, but also 666 00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:53,920 not sustainable, right. And the other component of this 667 00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:58,840 is as it relates to as it relates to herpes, I don't know 668 00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:02,440 if I'm trying to like force this in there, but I'm sharing this 669 00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:10,240 because the relationship piece of how I engage with women or 670 00:44:10,240 --> 00:44:15,240 have engaged with women partners relationships is still rooted in 671 00:44:15,720 --> 00:44:17,880 what it was that made me brilliant. 672 00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:21,400 Right? When you get too close to 673 00:44:21,880 --> 00:44:24,800 something that maybe, maybe it would have been a fit, right? 674 00:44:24,800 --> 00:44:28,360 Like I'm talking 1213 years old, but to still have that same 675 00:44:28,360 --> 00:44:33,320 behavior as a 1213 year old boy playing out at 37 years old. 676 00:44:33,320 --> 00:44:40,120 Now the, the distance becoming a safety is now like a barrier 677 00:44:40,120 --> 00:44:44,200 that I have to actively disrupt because I don't, I don't want 678 00:44:44,200 --> 00:44:46,960 that to be against. I don't want to put myself in 679 00:44:46,960 --> 00:44:50,280 the position where I have to sustain emotional connection, 680 00:44:50,280 --> 00:44:53,560 physical connection and all that with long term long distance 681 00:44:53,560 --> 00:44:58,000 relationships. And and I see that like there's 682 00:44:58,000 --> 00:45:00,960 a way to do that, but you can't like bring somebody some 683 00:45:00,960 --> 00:45:03,240 clothes. And in my case, the phone calls 684 00:45:03,240 --> 00:45:06,080 everyday falling asleep when falling at 1213 years old. 685 00:45:06,080 --> 00:45:10,880 I don't think we just, we just talk to each other about all the 686 00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:13,120 time. And then like when it came down 687 00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:17,040 to, you know, physical in person and like now it's real. 688 00:45:17,120 --> 00:45:18,400 It's like, Nope, like the fantasy. 689 00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:26,560 And that's that's a thing that I feel like has more weight to it 690 00:45:26,720 --> 00:45:31,720 than just being scared to tell somebody you got heritage or you 691 00:45:31,720 --> 00:45:39,680 know what, what comes with that? And as I, as an adult now, 692 00:45:40,760 --> 00:45:44,440 excuse me and see myself like ready to end these 693 00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:46,440 relationships. And looking at it, the fact that 694 00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:50,680 I'm like, OK, like polyamory never really was a fit for me. 695 00:45:51,160 --> 00:45:55,000 There was something else that was there that did fit. 696 00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:58,720 I think that parts of polyamory that words were like being able 697 00:45:58,720 --> 00:46:01,280 to have that safety of a distance. 698 00:46:01,320 --> 00:46:05,760 And then maybe when things get too close or too intimate and it 699 00:46:05,760 --> 00:46:10,880 now requires more of a sacrifice in order to sustain, bring in 700 00:46:11,160 --> 00:46:14,920 closeness. Perhaps that's what it is that 701 00:46:15,120 --> 00:46:18,640 made me feel like, hey, like I'm not doing this. 702 00:46:18,680 --> 00:46:23,880 Like it's not that I can't, it's just that it was sustainable for 703 00:46:23,880 --> 00:46:27,360 me when I didn't have anything else going on because it's 1213 704 00:46:27,360 --> 00:46:29,040 years old, That's how. So when I started playing 705 00:46:29,040 --> 00:46:33,080 football and what I gave to football is synonymous to what I 706 00:46:33,200 --> 00:46:35,800 pour and give into something possible for possible people. 707 00:46:36,800 --> 00:46:41,360 And even at that time when I was poured into football, like I 708 00:46:41,360 --> 00:46:43,360 couldn't keep, I couldn't keep you off me. 709 00:46:43,560 --> 00:46:49,520 I had legs on me, but they wanted from me when I get to 710 00:46:49,560 --> 00:46:53,880 football. And it was when I gave them what 711 00:46:53,880 --> 00:46:58,760 I gave to football that that started to suck, that started to 712 00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:03,720 be sacrifice. And I see a very direct parallel 713 00:47:03,720 --> 00:47:12,600 now, 33312 year cycles since then, that the thing that makes 714 00:47:12,600 --> 00:47:16,560 me attractive to potential partners is the passion, the 715 00:47:16,840 --> 00:47:19,360 sense of duty. Maybe I have two fists. 716 00:47:19,360 --> 00:47:25,440 And what comes up this or what, what's worn out of something 717 00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:29,120 possible provides people to flashing is the light that it 718 00:47:29,120 --> 00:47:31,600 emits and the gravity that it flows. 719 00:47:31,800 --> 00:47:33,200 Like that shit becomes attractive. 720 00:47:33,840 --> 00:47:41,160 And I'm learning that in order for me to continue to sustain 721 00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:48,160 this kind of thing, like I gotta, I gotta say no. 722 00:47:48,320 --> 00:47:50,320 Like, I gotta be like, I can't give you this. 723 00:47:50,440 --> 00:47:53,440 I can't give you what I give to this. 724 00:47:54,320 --> 00:47:59,600 And the amount of like I talked again, nature, nurture your 725 00:47:59,600 --> 00:48:02,200 nature, right? This nurtures my nature. 726 00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:05,800 And I was presented shit last night with somebody that I was 727 00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:12,000 saying a conversation about. Like she asked, she's like, oh, 728 00:48:12,000 --> 00:48:13,880 so you treat everybody as good. She's like, I thought I was 729 00:48:13,880 --> 00:48:15,240 special. Just treat everybody like this. 730 00:48:15,240 --> 00:48:16,800 I said, yeah, like, why would not? 731 00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:20,200 Why not be kind to everybody, right? 732 00:48:20,200 --> 00:48:21,680 Like I don't think I'm going to sleep people. 733 00:48:21,680 --> 00:48:24,960 I think that I'd do a good job of communicating verbally. 734 00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:27,000 Hey, here's no wonders what's happening here. 735 00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:29,920 I scam. What about you check in. 736 00:48:30,160 --> 00:48:31,840 In fact, like that's got me in trouble. 737 00:48:32,560 --> 00:48:35,280 I say sex positivity. It's fucked me up because a lot 738 00:48:35,280 --> 00:48:41,800 of that shit, it's kind of like doing karate versus somebody who 739 00:48:42,440 --> 00:48:44,520 street fighting sport somebody who has a gun. 740 00:48:44,720 --> 00:48:47,640 Let's say that right, doing karate only work with people who 741 00:48:47,640 --> 00:48:50,200 do karate. If you can run into somebody 742 00:48:50,200 --> 00:48:52,840 you're trying to do a karate fight with somebody got a gun on 743 00:48:52,880 --> 00:48:55,880 them or a knife weapon of any sort, all that karate shit go 744 00:48:55,880 --> 00:48:57,920 out the window. And it's been the same way for 745 00:48:57,920 --> 00:49:01,440 me, like navigating, going out to the club, for instance, 746 00:49:01,480 --> 00:49:02,360 right. Like I've been going out by 747 00:49:02,360 --> 00:49:03,480 myself. I've been trying to get 748 00:49:03,480 --> 00:49:07,000 comfortable with dancing and like I went to a place that 749 00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:12,560 played like hip hop might be Afro beats and I I I'm watching 750 00:49:12,560 --> 00:49:16,600 interactions and the shit that flies into the middle world in 751 00:49:16,600 --> 00:49:20,160 these faces don't fly into sex positivity, right? 752 00:49:20,160 --> 00:49:22,400 Like I'm watching dudes like grab where you go and be like, 753 00:49:22,400 --> 00:49:23,600 Hey, come here, mom, let me talk to you. 754 00:49:23,600 --> 00:49:24,800 And they receptive this fuck too. 755 00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:27,080 And I'm sitting there like about to get cancelled. 756 00:49:27,080 --> 00:49:30,000 Oh, I could never do this. Just like what are you talking 757 00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:32,200 about? Like this, this how I grew up 758 00:49:32,200 --> 00:49:34,480 with this. So now like I have a balanced 759 00:49:34,480 --> 00:49:38,680 awareness of when that's OK, when that's not OK and 760 00:49:38,680 --> 00:49:41,800 understanding, like it's the environment, it has so much to 761 00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:44,360 do with, you know, has so much more influence. 762 00:49:45,480 --> 00:49:50,520 And so me shifting into an environment where my nature is 763 00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:54,680 nurture, like my real nature. I ain't talking about like the 764 00:49:54,800 --> 00:50:00,000 performative is not the right word, but people will talk about 765 00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:03,000 like performative men who can do the emotional intelligence shit. 766 00:50:03,240 --> 00:50:05,680 And like, I think that I'm a genuine person. 767 00:50:05,680 --> 00:50:10,880 I think that I present from a place of where I'm at and when 768 00:50:10,880 --> 00:50:13,960 I'm talking about things, like talking about them genuinely 769 00:50:13,960 --> 00:50:17,560 like I'm using the language because I love being respectful. 770 00:50:18,280 --> 00:50:21,480 So it doesn't feel like I'm coming from a place of being 771 00:50:21,520 --> 00:50:23,520 conformative. It feels like a place where it's 772 00:50:23,520 --> 00:50:28,280 like, how do you calibrate being adjacent to, you know, queer 773 00:50:28,280 --> 00:50:32,240 culture and then like having to go back into like the hip hop 774 00:50:32,360 --> 00:50:36,840 culture, which is like very counterintuitive to be someone 775 00:50:36,840 --> 00:50:39,240 who's in between them. So especially as a straight 776 00:50:39,240 --> 00:50:45,040 black man who grew up and then as an adult, you know, I'm 777 00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:48,520 learning how many things were wrong with this thing and how to 778 00:50:48,880 --> 00:50:50,360 like figure out how to integrate these. 779 00:50:50,360 --> 00:50:52,680 So, so it's been a practice, man. 780 00:50:52,680 --> 00:50:57,480 It's been a practice of like navigating me wrong. 781 00:50:57,480 --> 00:50:59,920 Like I, I, it's so fucked up. Y'all, let me tell you. 782 00:50:59,920 --> 00:51:01,360 Let me tell you. That's a quick story and I got 783 00:51:01,360 --> 00:51:04,800 to get back to track, but I've been out a couple times where I 784 00:51:04,800 --> 00:51:09,560 had no idea somebody was in the world of sex positivity. 785 00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:13,400 I think that it's been so much easier because there's so much 786 00:51:13,400 --> 00:51:17,080 sexual openness where you will know if a person likes you. 787 00:51:17,080 --> 00:51:18,880 They might just directly tell you like, hey, I'm trying to 788 00:51:18,880 --> 00:51:20,680 fuck. They might tell you, hey, like, 789 00:51:20,960 --> 00:51:24,440 what are you getting into? Like I'm interested, whereas 790 00:51:24,440 --> 00:51:27,160 like I'm I'm out doing my little, I ain't got I ain't got 791 00:51:27,160 --> 00:51:30,560 no crazy dance moves, right? Like I'm just chilling and like 792 00:51:31,320 --> 00:51:36,080 you pick up on things. Like a part of me was like, hey, 793 00:51:36,480 --> 00:51:38,360 hey, pay attention to this and love. 794 00:51:38,360 --> 00:51:41,560 Part of me was like I ain't no way that this girl that's been 795 00:51:41,560 --> 00:51:47,080 standing here for the last 30 minutes and inching closer to me 796 00:51:47,080 --> 00:51:50,400 is interested in me. This girl had like brush up 797 00:51:50,400 --> 00:51:52,840 against me like 3 times and I moved a little bit like oh shit 798 00:51:52,840 --> 00:51:54,560 I'm I'm sorry I don't want to be rude. 799 00:51:54,960 --> 00:51:57,240 And then fucking smacks me in the face with her hair and then 800 00:51:57,240 --> 00:51:58,120 I I. Said so to her. 801 00:51:58,520 --> 00:52:01,040 Quick I was like, damn, this you smelling all good like that? 802 00:52:01,280 --> 00:52:02,680 She's like, I don't know, it could be anybody. 803 00:52:02,680 --> 00:52:06,680 So a lot of people in here and I was like, oh, I told somebody 804 00:52:06,680 --> 00:52:09,000 that that happened. She was like, and then what? 805 00:52:09,040 --> 00:52:11,240 I was like she rejected me. Like what you mean she's like 806 00:52:11,240 --> 00:52:13,120 quick, that is not what happened. 807 00:52:13,120 --> 00:52:16,200 Like and I was like, oh fuck, I'm not in that space anymore. 808 00:52:16,240 --> 00:52:19,640 I'm in a different environment and things like this have have 809 00:52:19,760 --> 00:52:25,760 have happened enough for me to be like, alright, some changes 810 00:52:25,880 --> 00:52:29,600 have to be made like because I'm in this environment and you 811 00:52:29,600 --> 00:52:32,320 know, this will be a whole nother conversation probably 812 00:52:32,320 --> 00:52:34,640 about how like sex positivity has fucked me up. 813 00:52:34,720 --> 00:52:37,800 But I don't mean that exclusively in a way that, you 814 00:52:37,800 --> 00:52:39,840 know, now I don't know how to flirt in the real world. 815 00:52:39,840 --> 00:52:42,920 That's not what I'm saying. But there have been 816 00:52:43,040 --> 00:52:45,440 conversations that I've had with people that that kind of like, 817 00:52:45,440 --> 00:52:47,320 the fuck are you talking about? Like you don't talk like that 818 00:52:48,200 --> 00:52:53,480 whole another thing. But tying this back to the 819 00:52:53,480 --> 00:52:57,640 original point of just coming to the realization that I'm not 820 00:52:57,640 --> 00:53:00,600 polyamorous like a lot of what I do through something positive. 821 00:53:00,600 --> 00:53:04,120 Like I work with a lot of people, mostly women, and I 822 00:53:04,120 --> 00:53:09,440 remember things like that, the way that I've run this, the way 823 00:53:09,440 --> 00:53:11,560 that I'm on top of shit, the way I'm committed, the way I'm 824 00:53:11,560 --> 00:53:14,760 passionate, the way people feel, the way people talk about it. 825 00:53:15,480 --> 00:53:17,920 That's been a threat in past relationships. 826 00:53:18,200 --> 00:53:21,520 And I've allowed myself to be like, well, you're more 827 00:53:21,520 --> 00:53:25,400 important than this thing, but not really giving people the 828 00:53:25,480 --> 00:53:29,560 opportunity to prove their importance or like prove that 829 00:53:29,800 --> 00:53:32,800 you know, you are more important than this, this, this don't mean 830 00:53:32,800 --> 00:53:39,000 anything compared to you. And I've not given myself the 831 00:53:40,320 --> 00:53:43,320 grace or being been real with myself, right? 832 00:53:43,320 --> 00:53:46,120 Like being real with myself about the fact that this is my 833 00:53:47,960 --> 00:53:51,240 only my purpose, right? People give me props and shit 834 00:53:51,240 --> 00:53:55,200 all the time for what I do, but I don't think people really 835 00:53:55,200 --> 00:53:57,920 understand like the sacrifices that, you know, I have to come 836 00:53:57,920 --> 00:54:00,760 with this. And one of those sacrifices is 837 00:54:01,160 --> 00:54:03,360 coming from a place of me needing to know how to tell 838 00:54:03,360 --> 00:54:07,640 mother fuckers, no, hey, you're not going to take me away from 839 00:54:07,640 --> 00:54:09,760 this. And I feel like even with that, 840 00:54:09,760 --> 00:54:12,280 like I'm inviting the the challenge. 841 00:54:12,280 --> 00:54:14,160 Somebody be like, Beck, hold my beer. 842 00:54:14,520 --> 00:54:16,400 I'm about to get I'm about to get his attention because I 843 00:54:16,400 --> 00:54:21,120 watched Demon Slayer the anime. And there was there during the 844 00:54:21,680 --> 00:54:25,640 sword Smith village park where the dude came out the jar and he 845 00:54:25,640 --> 00:54:29,040 was like whipping this sword Smith who was like concentrated 846 00:54:29,040 --> 00:54:30,800 making his sword. He didn't want to kill him. 847 00:54:31,000 --> 00:54:32,960 He just wanted him to pay attention to me. 848 00:54:32,960 --> 00:54:34,760 He was like, no, I'm going to break your concentration. 849 00:54:35,120 --> 00:54:37,280 But he never broke his concentration, never broke his 850 00:54:37,280 --> 00:54:39,720 concentration. And that's kind of 851 00:54:39,720 --> 00:54:44,120 metaphorically what I was doing prior to entering any 852 00:54:44,120 --> 00:54:46,920 relationship, really. It's like being on my shit. 853 00:54:47,240 --> 00:54:50,000 And then the minute you know, you break concentration, like 854 00:54:50,000 --> 00:54:53,680 that's where shit falls apart. It's like, I got you all right. 855 00:54:53,680 --> 00:54:55,480 That's all I wanted to break your concentration. 856 00:54:55,480 --> 00:54:56,160 Peace out. I'll see you. 857 00:54:57,560 --> 00:54:59,840 And that's like, that's, that's the experience. 858 00:55:00,400 --> 00:55:03,720 And as long as I've been taking care of this, as long as I've 859 00:55:03,720 --> 00:55:07,560 been on top of, you know, doing what it is and I know what I'm 860 00:55:07,560 --> 00:55:12,520 supposed to be doing, I had and it's, it's been consistent 861 00:55:12,520 --> 00:55:15,880 enough at least since September, August, September, for the last 862 00:55:15,880 --> 00:55:17,960 six months where I can look at it and go, you know what? 863 00:55:17,960 --> 00:55:21,400 That's exactly right. And I think that there's been 864 00:55:21,400 --> 00:55:27,360 pressure for me to again, like give what I give to this to 865 00:55:27,920 --> 00:55:31,680 other people. And that has helped with the 866 00:55:31,680 --> 00:55:35,920 calibration process of what my relationship capacity is. 867 00:55:36,120 --> 00:55:38,560 Because I mean, low key Ramadan starts tomorrow. 868 00:55:39,120 --> 00:55:42,120 I ain't Muslim, but I met somebody who is Muslim and we 869 00:55:42,120 --> 00:55:44,200 were having conversations. Well, what does that consist of? 870 00:55:44,200 --> 00:55:47,040 What, what does Ramadan consist of is you talk about like some 871 00:55:47,040 --> 00:55:49,680 of the things that you, you give up and some of the ways that you 872 00:55:49,680 --> 00:55:52,680 got to be. And I, I wanted to see if I can 873 00:55:52,680 --> 00:55:55,600 do it. So yesterday I've decided I was 874 00:55:55,600 --> 00:55:56,600 married. I'm not going to drink. 875 00:55:57,200 --> 00:55:59,440 I'm not going to do any. What was it? 876 00:55:59,440 --> 00:56:04,520 It's no drinking or eating. Went from sunup to sundown, no 877 00:56:04,520 --> 00:56:06,760 pork, no alcohol and then no sex. 878 00:56:07,120 --> 00:56:11,840 Now the, the no sex thing, I think I'm going to see if I can 879 00:56:11,880 --> 00:56:14,480 do is like 2 points. So we'll see if I can do that. 880 00:56:14,920 --> 00:56:18,200 But everything else I think I can do. 881 00:56:18,200 --> 00:56:21,080 So I'm trying that out. I'm on day 2 of this and you 882 00:56:21,080 --> 00:56:24,400 know, it feels like people say, Oh well, what do you want to 883 00:56:24,400 --> 00:56:26,000 return? You should ask for something. 884 00:56:27,080 --> 00:56:30,680 I don't need anything. And I think that I like the 885 00:56:30,680 --> 00:56:32,880 sustainability of not needing anything. 886 00:56:33,240 --> 00:56:35,680 And that's another thing that's gotten me in trouble with people 887 00:56:35,680 --> 00:56:37,680 because it's like, OK, now it's so sustainable. 888 00:56:37,680 --> 00:56:40,320 I need you. But I have a greater capacity, 889 00:56:40,320 --> 00:56:44,000 greater quality of capacity to be able to give. 890 00:56:44,480 --> 00:56:48,560 And it's just not in the way that people want to receive me. 891 00:56:50,680 --> 00:56:54,200 So you telling me this whole time this microphone ain't been 892 00:56:55,200 --> 00:56:58,600 what in the world? Wow. 893 00:57:03,800 --> 00:57:08,080 Oh my God. So this shit just ain't been on 894 00:57:08,240 --> 00:57:19,680 it all. Oh my God, we going to see what 895 00:57:19,680 --> 00:57:22,320 happens from here. I I should sound way different 896 00:57:22,320 --> 00:57:26,200 and way better now, so I just been talking at the laptop. 897 00:57:26,200 --> 00:57:31,920 I hope it's picked up everything I got to bring this to a close 898 00:57:31,920 --> 00:57:38,440 now. What in the hell that's 899 00:57:38,440 --> 00:57:40,600 embarrassing. All right, so I will not take 900 00:57:40,600 --> 00:57:43,960 breaks from podcasting again. We just don't do this until 901 00:57:44,000 --> 00:57:51,400 until I stop. Wow, that just that just ruined 902 00:57:51,400 --> 00:57:54,720 my whole train of thought. So closing this out, I guess 903 00:57:54,760 --> 00:57:59,160 like at this point, now that I'm grounded, now that I'm self 904 00:57:59,160 --> 00:58:03,640 sustainable, I have a greater quality of a give in which I can 905 00:58:03,640 --> 00:58:07,800 offer to the world. Like it's not just individual 906 00:58:07,800 --> 00:58:15,360 partners, but like I recognize that the, the, the frequency, 907 00:58:15,840 --> 00:58:20,200 the quantity is a thing that I, I don't have. 908 00:58:20,200 --> 00:58:24,080 I don't have like the quantity, but the quality is tremendous. 909 00:58:24,520 --> 00:58:29,720 And I think that sustaining this rhythm is going to be what draws 910 00:58:29,720 --> 00:58:33,000 in like aligned, not just opportunities, people, 911 00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:36,320 friendships, connections, but also relationships or whatever 912 00:58:36,320 --> 00:58:38,760 relationship, whatever it ends up turning into. 913 00:58:38,760 --> 00:58:42,480 Like I'm not, I'm not attached to any particular outcome. 914 00:58:42,480 --> 00:58:45,920 Like I'm thinking now what's important to me is output over 915 00:58:45,920 --> 00:58:50,160 outcome. And me prior to six months ago 916 00:58:50,440 --> 00:58:53,720 was very much like outcome driven. 917 00:58:53,720 --> 00:58:57,640 Like I, this is what I want. This is what I have that like 918 00:58:57,640 --> 00:59:02,560 now let's let's maximize this. But I've developed a lot of 919 00:59:02,560 --> 00:59:04,480 patients. I've cultivated a lot more 920 00:59:04,480 --> 00:59:11,360 consistency and more will, I want to say, and I'm a much 921 00:59:11,360 --> 00:59:13,040 better, I'm in a much better place. 922 00:59:13,040 --> 00:59:15,400 I'm much more suited to be able to run something positive for 923 00:59:15,400 --> 00:59:18,040 positive people. I'm much more suited to be able 924 00:59:18,040 --> 00:59:20,440 to facilitate these support groups, support calls. 925 00:59:20,640 --> 00:59:24,840 And I have like the bandwidth and the capacity because I've I, 926 00:59:24,840 --> 00:59:27,600 I had to plug some energy leaks, right? 927 00:59:27,600 --> 00:59:33,440 Like the intentionality. One more thing that came up from 928 00:59:33,440 --> 00:59:38,760 my breakup, like looking at what it means to be intentional and 929 00:59:38,760 --> 00:59:43,040 being able to give energy to where it's reciprocated, like 930 00:59:43,160 --> 00:59:45,360 plugging energy into where it's reciprocated. 931 00:59:45,600 --> 00:59:48,760 I look at how stars function and I've been like, again, studying 932 00:59:48,760 --> 00:59:52,360 that in quantum physics. And I've been doing a lot of 933 00:59:52,400 --> 00:59:57,280 like I was in a period of taking after my relationship ended 934 00:59:57,400 --> 01:00:01,000 after being in a place of like just giving, like forceful 935 01:00:01,000 --> 01:00:05,280 giving in the sense. Versus sitting like the Sun does 936 01:00:05,280 --> 01:00:08,120 in our solar system where all it does is turn hydrogen and 937 01:00:08,120 --> 01:00:10,280 helium. All of the planets Orient 938 01:00:10,280 --> 01:00:12,920 themselves to the sun's consistency rhythm. 939 01:00:13,240 --> 01:00:17,560 And the minute that the Sun tries to like help somebody see 940 01:00:17,560 --> 01:00:21,200 better about shining more bright or getting closer to creating 941 01:00:21,200 --> 01:00:24,200 more warrant, you fuck up the whole solar system. 942 01:00:24,840 --> 01:00:28,000 Like the planets get out of whack, the ecosystems that and 943 01:00:28,000 --> 01:00:32,240 everything that's orbited to your rhythm get completely 944 01:00:32,240 --> 01:00:34,200 fucked up. So I look at the solar system 945 01:00:34,200 --> 01:00:35,800 the same way I do the nervous system. 946 01:00:36,280 --> 01:00:39,200 And it's a matter of me continuing to do this. 947 01:00:39,240 --> 01:00:42,280 And I can't, I can't compromise this. 948 01:00:42,280 --> 01:00:44,280 I can't make sacrifices from this. 949 01:00:44,760 --> 01:00:46,720 And I, I'm, I'm clear on that now. 950 01:00:46,720 --> 01:00:51,600 So is my little accountability episode to not let that kind of 951 01:00:51,600 --> 01:00:54,720 shit happen again. And yeah, I welcome the I 952 01:00:54,720 --> 01:00:56,880 welcome everybody who's going to be like, oh, hold my breath, 953 01:00:56,920 --> 01:00:58,520 watch this. Let me let me try this out. 954 01:00:59,120 --> 01:01:01,640 Whatever his name was from Demon Slayer, who did like the 955 01:01:01,640 --> 01:01:04,320 whipping of the dude that was the sword Smith that was making 956 01:01:04,320 --> 01:01:07,480 the sword. I welcome that shit because now, 957 01:01:07,560 --> 01:01:11,000 I mean, I know what I'm capable of and I've seen what happens 958 01:01:11,000 --> 01:01:15,840 when I don't do this. So this shallow continue to be 959 01:01:15,840 --> 01:01:20,480 done and I look forward to whatever content comes out of 960 01:01:20,480 --> 01:01:24,720 this moving forward. But yeah, the way Instagram, 961 01:01:24,720 --> 01:01:27,560 maybe they're fucking with me lately and the way that I've had 962 01:01:27,560 --> 01:01:31,680 to like play around with that, it's not worth the time anymore. 963 01:01:32,120 --> 01:01:35,080 So people ain't getting the announcements. 964 01:01:35,080 --> 01:01:38,120 Like now it's just a matter of getting people to the website. 965 01:01:38,520 --> 01:01:40,720 And this is one of the ways that we're going to do it. 966 01:01:40,720 --> 01:01:44,080 So bandwidth opened up, bandwidth closing back up and 967 01:01:44,080 --> 01:01:48,200 I'm able to play around with the space that I have between like 968 01:01:48,200 --> 01:01:53,320 my maximum efficiency versus my maximum capacity. 969 01:01:53,360 --> 01:01:57,400 All right, till next time, stay present. 970 01:01:57,400 --> 01:01:59,800 That concludes this episode of something positive for positive 971 01:01:59,800 --> 01:02:01,360 people. Please like red review, share, 972 01:02:01,360 --> 01:02:08,480 subscribe to shit, e-mail me. Like if excuse me over the last 973 01:02:08,480 --> 01:02:11,560 however long it's been, like I think that I've had more people 974 01:02:11,560 --> 01:02:14,640 on the support calls be like, Oh yeah, like I found this website. 975 01:02:14,680 --> 01:02:16,920 Like I don't even know if the podcast is useful. 976 01:02:17,200 --> 01:02:20,400 But at this point, it's just like a media tool to put out 977 01:02:20,400 --> 01:02:21,680 there, hey, this is what we're doing. 978 01:02:21,680 --> 01:02:25,240 And it feels again, a line for me to be able to come back into 979 01:02:25,240 --> 01:02:28,280 it now, right? So thanks for listening, thanks 980 01:02:28,280 --> 01:02:31,800 for hearing me. Thank you for letting us be a 981 01:02:31,880 --> 01:02:36,920 space for accountability, as well as me being able to be 982 01:02:36,920 --> 01:02:38,480 consistent to what it is and I'm doing. 983 01:02:38,480 --> 01:02:41,840 I think that the more open and transparent I am about my own 984 01:02:41,840 --> 01:02:44,640 life, my own experiences. And like now, I ain't like I'm 985 01:02:44,640 --> 01:02:47,080 putting people out there anything. 986 01:02:47,680 --> 01:02:53,640 But I think I'm, it's, it's good for me to be able to do this and 987 01:02:53,640 --> 01:02:58,080 do this by myself and do this in a way that, you know, I, I bring 988 01:02:58,080 --> 01:03:02,240 people in who align on a project basis or whatever. 989 01:03:03,040 --> 01:03:06,640 But I, I can't let myself do what, what's happened in the 990 01:03:06,640 --> 01:03:10,520 past. And I feel like a much more firm 991 01:03:10,520 --> 01:03:14,440 sense of conviction and like, I can do this shit. 992 01:03:14,720 --> 01:03:18,320 Like there's infinite capacity of energy here. 993 01:03:18,360 --> 01:03:21,560 And I look forward to being able to continue to serve, continue 994 01:03:21,560 --> 01:03:23,800 to have a support cause and support groups. 995 01:03:23,800 --> 01:03:27,480 And the events which we got on March 21st in New York City, if 996 01:03:27,480 --> 01:03:30,000 you're in New York City, the event itself will be in 997 01:03:30,000 --> 01:03:32,160 Brooklyn. It's a full day of support. 998 01:03:32,440 --> 01:03:34,400 So I'm pumping this out in the newsletter now. 999 01:03:35,840 --> 01:03:37,840 Yeah. I, I, I feel like I, I keep 1000 01:03:37,840 --> 01:03:39,720 wanting to say more stuff, especially because my mic was 1001 01:03:39,720 --> 01:03:41,040 tripping. I hope that this sounds all 1002 01:03:41,040 --> 01:03:44,400 right, but I'm going to play it for myself and, and see what it 1003 01:03:44,400 --> 01:03:46,080 sounds like. Because I got the space here all 1004 01:03:46,080 --> 01:03:48,560 right next to the computer. And I know it's probably been a 1005 01:03:48,560 --> 01:03:52,240 constant hum in the background, so fudge.