Hello and welcome to Something Positive for Positive People,
for the Brains and Positive. Positive People is A-519-C3
nonprofit organization serving people who are navigating her
big stick. And I'm finally getting around
to recording episode 400. It's February 17th, 2026 and
I've been promising this since December and I, I want to take
accountability. You can take accountability like
saying I was going to do something and then I'm because I
very much am the kind of person who I do what I say I'm going to
do and really there's no excuse. A lot of things have been
happening. I have been really, really busy
with in a good way, in a good way.
Just for perspective, in 2025 we had 277 support calls, 9 notes
that I've tracked and more than half of those came after July.
And the 2026 for January, we had 70, 8 or 77 support call sign
ups and that was working like in January.
I want to say about 10 to 15% of people who sign up don't show
up. I get a couple like troll people
who take the time to fill out the support call form and then I
contact them and they're like, I don't know what you're talking
about. So I can only assume somebody
probably signed up for them. They don't know anything about
it, but it is what it is. And for the month of February,
roughly 40 people have signed up for support codes.
And that just speaks to one avenue of how busy Also yoga
therapy training almost done. I have two more class modules to
complete and then I have a 50 hour project that I have to kind
of create a model and I'm thinking of putting something
together for how I've been using yoga therapy with clients to
support them through herpes sticking.
In addition to that, I spent one part time teaching them on the
genital exams on the male and loss from teaching association
of schools City New York City ish.
I don't want to say the state because like anything I can't
get to within three hours. I don't know if I I ain't got it
in to to do any travel behind, but in addition to that, I've
been dating and I came to some hard realizations very, very
recently that I'll talk about that in this podcast episode.
In addition to that, I'm AW2 employee of something possible
for possible people, which I should have been over the last
nine years, but timing, it's everything.
And now I'm officially registered in the state of New
York. They took the money from the
check and I had the right to fill out the registration
paperwork. So a lot of what I've been doing
is taking the time that I would say about 5 hours a week is what
goes into the podcast. If you go and factor in not just
the recording and editing, but if I'm doing it with a guest, I
have to do outreach. We got to make sure that they're
on the same page. We got to also make sure to
create marketing materials to make it worth their times,
website and whatever social media platforms.
And then uploading, I don't edit, I should, but editing
typically in my experience, for every 15 minutes of content,
there's about an hour of editing that had gone into that at the
time, but I, it's just me. So I think that I'm able to save
a lot of the time. But with that five hours a week
I've had the I've been able to do a lot of admin stuff.
I've been able to go back and backtrack and revise things on
the website, which I think has really contributed to the
momentum we've been building in terms of having people finding
the website. There's been a lot of people who
have found something possible for possible people immediately
after they're diagnosis. So but then days, even leaving
the doctor's office, reaching out saying hey, you know, the
oldest adults are coming, the results are coming.
And my doctor told me to look for a support group.
And that's another thing I've been able to do.
The first and third Mondays of each month I have a women's
support group which I lead. And then there is the men's
support group, probably the second and 4th Monday of the
month. All of these are 7:30 PM Eastern
Time. And if there's the fifth Monday,
the group's Co Ed and I'll bring somebody in to share their
experience and answer whatever questions people they have.
I've been given some opportunities to speak.
We have the STARS workshop where I'll be responsible for the
sexual health flourishing with Doctor Evelyn Decker that's
happening in Oregon on March 7th.
If you're interested in hitting me up, no, I will be doing some
traveling while I'm out there on the West Coast.
I might as well. So I'm going to go visit some
friends and make some time to do some things that are really
going to do. And it'll be March, so it should
be warming. I want to say it's been a lot of
snow out here on the East Coast and Brooklyn.
So I'm looking forward to escaping from some of that.
I have the National 6 AG Conference, which is actually
next week. I present on, it's maybe 5th,
just talking about how we can minimize her big stadium.
It's kind of nothing. I go to these presentations now
and I actually made not a PowerPoint, but I made it in
camp, so I got slides. Now I'm looking real
professional. I got some feedback from
presenting at Coppice State University last year.
Shout out to the Title 9 coordinator there.
I don't know how people feel about people's mid man.
So I can just say that if you want to go find a good luck, go
ahead, go for me. But yeah, she gave me some
really good feedback. And some of that feedback was to
make a presentation. And it landed really, really
well. Last year, the first half of the
year, I said this a few times, but the first half of 2025 was
not claimed to be. And I just passed the one year
mark of where my relationship, you know, ended, you know,
verbally to say because, you know, it's still like the term
here when you think, you know, somebody might be getting back
together or whatever. So I had some really tough
feelings coming up for myself over that week, yesterday.
Yeah. It was a little bit about a week
and a half ago that I was hitting the anniversary.
And during that time, like, I recognized some high,
emotionally intense and charged feelings.
And I tried to, you know, set that aside from the other things
that I act, but I recognize that was still something that
affected me. And yeah, and I did some work
around that for myself and ultimately came to the
realization that I don't know, people were wrong about me.
I can't, I can't listen to what other people say because I left
myself in very impressionable, the sense that both I let both
my ex and my therapist tell me I was something I'm not.
They both were like, yeah, you're polyamorous.
Like, no, that doesn't fit. And then in accepting that
identity and that label for myself, I think that I started
to act in a way that I believe to be polyamorous.
But also coming out of the relationship where if you think
you're going to be with somebody for this in your life, right?
Like I think that maybe you there's a cord cutting type
thing that needs to happen where there's also time to recalibrate
yourself. Otherwise what will happen is
what happened to me where anybody who came into the
picture immediately after, like not just the breakup, but like
the time that I thought was enough time before I started
dating anybody. I gave myself three months of
grieving from the time that the relationship ended before I
started. And then I was still finding
myself treating people the same way, like treating people like a
relationship and not doing a lot of the things that people do
when they're dating someone or when they're getting to know
somebody new. And it took me until literally
mid January to realize, oh, that's what I'm still doing.
And when I had that realization, I started to do some research.
I reached out to a relationship coach, shout out the cat, she's
a polyamorous dating coach. And I was like, hey, I don't
think I'm polyamorous. I really don't believe that's a
good catch. And so we got into it like she
has raps for me. She has language for me.
And one of the things that she pointed out to me was that
something worth looking into working on is appropriate
distances with people between like your immediate circle and
then you've got like your communities, your friends,
friend groups, family, and then further outside of that, like
people that you associate with or this is where you have like
casual relationships. And I've been looking at atoms.
You know, I had to bring it up. And that that makes sense
because there's the nucleus of the atom where this is where
your poor closest values beliefs are.
And then the second shell, which is where like that's more
community friends and whatnot. I believe this is where like
your consistent behaviors exist. And the shell 3 is like the
testing ground for new things, new people, how you engage with
the world and the reality reflected around you from that's
based off of your inner, like your outer world is reflective
of your inner. So looking for upward, we're
looking at the third shell of an atom as a reality, real world
picture of what's happening in internal.
So if there's inconsistencies between your nucleus, which is
your behaviors and your beliefs and your identity, then the 3D
World will show you a picture that you're kind of like, wait a
minute, that's weird, that's inconsistent.
And that that that's been the case for me over some time.
And I couldn't speak to it because I know at the time, like
coming out of that relationship, I was going to read back for a
minute. And so any relationship that
would have come to fruition through that, there was not a
grounded version of me that was sustainably conveniently kind of
connections with relationships and ended up seeing people who
do also identify as Polly Amber spanning when I came to the
realization that maybe that's not me.
I think that what I did was appropriately and quickly give
that information, especially because I know that that kind of
thing is important to people. Like some conversations that
we've had is like, as a polyamorous person, should they
monogamous people or are they only they non monogamous people
or amorous people? So and having these
conversations with me is like a real celebratory thing to like
have some clarity around my identity, recognizing who I am,
what makes me up, whom I'm not and where the inconsistencies
are for me and we're not presented goes to the people
around me. I don't know if it was in my
presentation talking to me or what, but I got a lot of like,
not what I expected. Let's just say that.
And I take responsibility for I guess it can feel like maybe
using people that that that's the closest thing.
Like there was guilt initially because First off, I didn't
expect for the reactions that I got, some interactions that I
got. But in hindsight and talking to
people, what ended up happening was I go from my relationship
thinking that I had enough time to, you know, be single or like
be by myself And with what was happening for me and entering
into these relationships under the identity of polyamorous and
that that that means different things to different people.
But I adopted this label that that didn't align with me, and I
only did it because this is what other people told incredible
people. I seen one that I thought I was
spending the rest of my life as a partner.
And then my therapist who I've been working with for five
years, right? So entering the world of dating
now being like and polyamorous, there were people who, you know,
that became close and I want to say like grounded me.
Like really grounded me because I was not OK.
I was, I can use the word depressed in this context
because and like, I'm not somebody who believes in
attaching the identity to these things that aren't identifiers,
right? You can be depressed and
identifying them or you can have depression or have had
depression, right? So the more accurate
articulation of this is that I had depression and it looked
very different than what I think it can look like for a lot of
other people. And that depression didn't just
it didn't start when the breakup happened in February.
It didn't start when the the reality of our this relationship
over like that's, that's it. It didn't start at the point of
realizing, OK, like I'm happy and I'm able to be myself now.
It was almost like little, little itty bitty.
It's like dead by 1000 paper cuts, right?
Because even at that time, my great grandmother went to the
hospital, my college roommate had passed away.
I shortly after like my hormone was destroyed by a tornado,
which ultimately ended up being a blessing in the long run.
But these were things that were happening in my life that really
fucking rocked my world, disordered to me.
And I ain't even had time since those days because all you know,
the while I'm still trying to make sure to sustain this right,
like this vehicle of my passion, purpose, and the theme that has
in fact kept me drowned it to some extent over the last 100
years now. And I, I wasn't fit to manage it
in the way that it has been managed over time, like
throughout the years of it being consistently a podcast, a space
where people can go and get herpes information, etcetera.
And that was because I was all over the place.
I was not around. I was very much like, I didn't
have a job. Technically I wasn't working.
I did work, but I, I wasn't carrying that same momentum from
something possible for possible people.
And in fact, I also, you know, previously I was really locked
in and focused on the men's emotional Wellness work through
Self, which was a nonprofit that I had started, you know, while
in my previous relationship. And I was ready to abandon this
shit. I was ready to leave something
positive alone, right? And do that full like fully and
things were working out to where it could have happened, but it
did. It didn't work out.
And I had gotten to a point where I realized I was spread
then and if I had to make some decisions and and making those
decisions again, all of this stuff happening in the
background, undercurrent things, I ended up, you know, losing
that relationship. I lost, you know, the what self
was. I lost my identity.
And yeah, I lost I lost the community as well.
I got in hindsight, you know, I recognize that the sex education
space is primarily not all the way straight women at least.
And I'm one of very few heterosexual men that are in
Hispanics. And the identity aspect of it, I
think, you know, I came down to at the end of the day, I'm
straight man. So like if somebody got to get
elbowed out of the space, you know, between, you know,
selecting from two people who I guess like, I don't know what
the narrative is. But if there was any issues
before me, it's like I said, I was choked.
And so now having lost that community too, there was so much
of a loss of identity despite having learned so much from it.
And I would forever be grateful for the opportunity to can.
I'm a co-author In the book I get to put that I presented at
various conferences on my resume.
I have the experience language of being able to be a much more
supportive personal resource to populations of people that
otherwise would never have had exposure to.
And also had a lot of fun. I had a lot of fun connecting
with people like a guy had some great relationships and sexual
experiences, has career opportunities.
So, yeah, it, it, there was a lot of, there was a lot of loss,
there was a lot of grief and grief is not linear.
That's what it did, Antonio said.
That's, that's one of my yoga therapy instructors,
instructors. And all the while still trying
to like, I still had things that I had to do, but I could only do
what was right in front of me at the time.
And I, I look up now and it feels like I'm just waking up
from that fucking nightmare of an experience.
Mind you, stuff still had to happen.
Like I got to New York and I think I was just on autopilot.
I was on autopilot from July, shit, probably through August,
September. And that's where I think things
started to really ramp up for me and the reality of, yo, what are
you doing this shit? Remember in 2023, I said, I was
like, I'm moving to New York, moved to New York.
I was coming out here for things with the health departments and
documentary showing and screening.
And there was there were a handful of things that were
happening out here. And I was like to him, you know,
if I come out here and like, just put this here, what could
happen? And I'm experiencing that.
And it doesn't look nearly as clear as I anticipated when I
was making a decision right here.
But it looks the way that it has to look.
I'm now in a place where being forced into like, not having
that support, that community, that foundation, I got to build
my own, like I, I, I lost people.
I lost people as a result of that breakup.
And you know, one thing that I'll say that I learned, you
know, from that relationship ending is like she used to save
you everybody and your friend and tied into my relationship
coaching call and she was like, Hey, you need to appropriately
place people. I was like, damn, that statement
makes a lot more sense now. So is is interesting to be able
to receive the same kind of information from a place of
having had experiences and then develop a little bit more
maturity now and having been a way from a place that, yeah, a
lot of my identity was interconnected with that space.
And I used to believe that I needed to have like a separate
identity from something positive, positive people
because it felt like that was making up who I am.
But the reality is like it's the other way around, like who I am,
like something positive is an extension important.
And I was letting people get into my head about, you know,
Courtney being an extension of some positive, positive people.
That ain't that ain't the case. And as I, you know, go back to
just everything that was going on at that time.
Yeah. Like I looked up and was just in
relationships after being so ungrounded, finally receiving
some type of grounding to be able to settle myself into this
newfound space that I'm in. Being in New York, being a full
time employee of my own nonprofit organization, you
know, and managing all of that. Navigating that growth, like the
growth that has happened since sitting my ass down in a place
that lies in an environment that lines with my identity as I
mean, I'm fucking different. Like I'm adjacent to a lot of
spaces and there is no, you know, people say the herpes
community, like the herpes community, it's it's like, it's
like if you have a lighter and you're flickering the lighter
and it's just not catching flame.
Whereas you have the sex positive community that you
know, you like that. You know what it is?
There's fire there, King community, fire there, rope,
LGBT, black men, right? You have all of these things
that have a long lasting fire, right?
Whereas for me with the herpes community, it's just a constant
flickering, right? Maybe people show up to things.
Well, maybe people sign up and show up to things that are in
person. Maybe people, you know, engage
and maybe people want to do the advocacy day.
And I feel like I was part of a fighter, especially in the sex
education space until, you know, recent events.
And so even in that I felt the same way about polyamory, I felt
the same way about like even being an ally to the LGBT
community, even with like ropes. And more recently, like I'm
getting into dance classes. I've been going to zoo classes
for about 6 months now and getting a lot comfortable with
that. Like it feels that everything
that I'm making effort to involve myself with like just
doesn't catch. And I was listening to I was
scrolling Instagram and Shannon Blues room did a podcast.
But I think when Nick came in his vibes or ex wives, but she
made a comment, she was like, Nick isn't polyamory.
She was like he always says to label me is to disable me.
I felt that shit my soul. Yeah.
I was like, damn, you know, I'm not A and even I've been hanging
out with people who are in like the Burning Man community as
well, which I always have, but I never felt like a burner myself.
And it's like, you want bugs? I was like, I can't say that.
Like I'm adjacent to y'all. Like I enjoy, you know, hanging
out with y'all doing what it is that we do.
Like it's real cool. Like I enjoy experiencing this,
but that's y'all culture and having to having gotten to this
point, like I realized that my my own identity culture, the
this is a very interesting intersection of adjacencies that
have combined to make me who I feel like I am.
And I can't I can't put that in the language.
I can't put into language. You know, these are my
identifiers. This is what I believe in and
this is what I stand for. I believe that through the thing
that applies for me, like taking something positive for positive
people like this as an extension of me, it goes beyond supporting
people living with herpes. It goes beyond the mental health
piece. It goes beyond the yoga.
Like this in itself is a literal example of taking the negativity
of a herpes diagnosis and creating something with that.
Like I've said this in past episodes, positive definition is
it means presence. The word negative just means
absolute like or infinite potential, right?
Like it's a negative charge, but positivity and negativity are
drawn to each other, right? These two forces, they attract,
but they never completely merge. So these to me are two
complementary forces to each other that when in safe
proximity, like there's the opportunity to do something with
the boat. And this is a perfect example of
what happens when you take negative positive and you apply
your consciousness, your awareness, the power of choice
to put them in like a dance. So the way that negativity
works, it's like negativity represents motion, it's
constantly moving and positivity represents stillness.
And it's like a song. It's like a constant hum that
electrons are or negativity is drawn to.
And it's when we bring our awareness to this music, think
about like a constant. And you know, we got that as the
proton, which is still the neutron or the electron, which
is constantly motion, and the neutron, which is a neutral
force. That's us, our power of choice
and where we put our awareness. It's almost like we, we give a
rhythm to that. So if the protons going and we
come in and we like, we muffle that or amplify it.
So we change it to a. Right.
The electrons which are constantly in motion, negativity
will align in an orbit that naturally is created by the
forces of nature. That I will not go all the way
into, but I've been, I've been reading up and it's been
existing in that way where I am the neutron force, that Rep that
has been focusing more on stillness.
Like my mantra has become do nothing.
And the things that are in motion to the rhythm of that
stillness orbit in the way that like atoms have electrons in
their orbit, right? And that's been the way that
I've been living my life and getting myself out of that
depressed state that I was in and being able to align myself
in an environment that nurtures my nature.
And that'll be something that I'll probably hear me say a lot
more later down the road. But the the ultimate goal here
is that what something positive for positive people does is it
nurtures my nature as an extension of who I am.
Me being able to infinitely pour myself, my presence, my
resources, time, money, energy, attention, all of that into this
space. It's like giving a rhythm to
that constant hum of positivity, of stillness, right?
Napoleon Hill in the book, outwriting the devil in the
book, the devil describes himself as all negative energy
or the negative portion of the atom, which is the electron.
So that's the devil and God being the positive force
positivity of the proton. And as the neutral force
neutron, we stabilize the proton and basically give rhythm to the
song that it's singing because it can't move like the proton, I
can't move, but the electrons can.
And so they get into orbit and it's like a dance is happening.
Like there's a I'm a DJ of my life and the awareness and
attention that I give to the positive makes the negative fall
in line that lines because that's infinite potential for
energy expression. When I was going through
everything that I was going through, my negative force was
not singing the song. It wasn't DJ, it was it left the
turntable that was just dancing with everything out of whack and
all over the place. And that's where disorder and
chaos came from. Because it's almost like there's
a blind relationship between positivity and negativity, that
when the neutron is able to stabilize the atom and we bring
our awareness of the positive for president, right?
It's almost like the nucleus solidifies and those orbits
become real for the negative energy to be able to orbit and
the negative energy becomes an A visual expression of that
positive energy that otherwise wouldn't be able to directly
engage with each other. So it's like there are two
different planes of existence, the pro, the positive energy and
then the negative energy, and that's a neutral force.
We create a bridge for those who interact in a way that allows
for the proton to do what it does, which is to be powerful
and express and for the electrons to do what they do,
which is constantly move, but to give them purpose in the and
that's, that's been my saving grace.
I used to say like I was wasn't suicidal or anything like that,
but I was lost. I was stuck, I was stagnant.
And the more that I started to look into that relationship of
Adam, it's like I started to see that there's a star metaphor in
that. Like what stars do is the same
thing that I'm describing for atoms and the same thing for
people. For me, as long as I'm doing
what I'm supposed to be doing, everything else falls into
place. And sometimes that looks like
doing nothing and just taking in aligned action and choosing what
it is and engagement and not chasing.
And in that I find myself like experiencing a lot more peace, a
lot more pleasure, a lot more contentment and a lot more just
rhythm. And there's there's a rhythm to
life that I think that I've found and I learned what the
purpose of this shit is for myself.
This may not be true for you, so I want to project my shame to
you. But if you look at the atoms
purpose like it's to achieve maximum evolution, minimum
waste. So minimal effort, maximum
potential is reached and there's an evolution process that
occurs, right? Like you take in what's useful,
you get rid of what's not useful.
And our engagements with people, things, opportunities,
challenges, obstacles, we evolve from those things and our
identities change. We grow and develop and evolve.
And that's where I find myself now having looked up and been
like, damn, you know, I've been wearing these layers and
identities and shit that actually, I guess it doesn't
serve me anymore. It doesn't look fine.
And they're still like piece of me that wants to repay my debt.
Like the universe is big on balance.
So I'm a firm believer in and it feels like sometimes the
decisions that I make are ones that come from the place of of
like wanting to be ahead of the curve on karma.
Like I want to proactively like put this out there and do the
right thing, do what's good. But God, the universe, they
don't reward what's right. They don't punish what's wrong.
What it is about is alignment, right?
You get rewarded for evolving with it and not wasting energy
like it can't be created or destroyed.
You're giving it, you're put in that environment and what you do
in that environment is what nature rewards in in turn.
So the environment of me getting herpes and you know, creating
something like this from that is ultimately like my experience
with what I'm saying here of taking the negative and turning
it into a vehicle for something positive, like giving it an
outlet. So it's more than that as, you
know, just a platform for people.
Herpes, it's literally an extension of me and how I engage
with the world. Like I will take something
negative and produce something positive that shouldn't work for
people. So I can't, I can't save people.
That's another lesson that I've learned as a result of 2025.
And I think that not appropriately placing people has
put me in consistent positions where, you know, I view people
as, you know, people at the core of that.
Like the nature of The thing is that form thing.
So the energy, the essence of the person.
Like I see that and want to be supportive in that, but also
people are people and you can't save everybody.
You can't save nobody. All you can do is, you know,
offer presents, be there with them and let them be who they
are. And I'm, I'm learning just the
importance of that authenticity because when you are authentic,
you do things that align their behaviors, your beliefs align
and the reality that is around you aligns too.
And whenever there's any inconsistencies, you can
approach those with curiosity and make whatever necessary
adjustments that need to be made.
And for me, I think that the the last few sheddings of the layers
before I can like really see this shift boom, like I know
it's supposed to is looking at where energy is inauthentically
being wasted or leaking. I don't want to call it a waste,
but where it's leaking. And I was doing that with like
trying to sustain and maintain like these super long, long
distance relationships with people that, you know, I feel
like I hope for being there for me at the time where I was, I
was down and I was like, damn. And yeah, it feels shitty.
But like also being nice is kind of what what what got me into
this situation, like listening to other people, not being like,
hey, that don't that don't feel right.
I'm not going to do that. And boundaries are another thing
that came up as an issue in my last relationship.
So like she she was right about some things.
And some of those things have resurfaced even a year later.
And on one hand, it's like, damn, have I really not changed?
On the other hand, it's like, damn, you know, this is really
who I am. And that and being able to
present that, like people be able to see me for whom I am, to
take me as I am. But also to me, I haven't lived
that shit and be forthcoming about like hey this is what's
important to me. Like my work through something
possible for positive people. If it's not this, if they cure
herpes tomorrow, there will be something else that comes out of
my there will be something else that comes out as an extension.
And I've been a very like non attached like not jealous person
but not give a fuck. I give AI care and this is a
thing that I care about. And I've, I've let myself, you
know, get to a place where I've been with a person or with
people, the people who were there for me.
And like, my capacity to give to them was like infinite because I
wasn't doing this. I was having 70s or 4 calls in a
month. Was it having to do my yoga
therapy class? I wasn't going on to work and do
the genital exams sometimes like I had, I had that shit three
days in a week like 2 weeks ago. It was 2 weeks ago, three days
in a week. That is unheard of.
I usually do three days a month and prioritizing like
maintaining that self sustainability, prioritizing
making an effort to build a community.
And I was doing this shit backwards because like to me, I
wanted to just pick up where I left off.
And being in the kind of relationship that I thought that
I had, I was working towards because it was almost like, yes,
we fucking beat the game, but let's get the Sonic.
And the reality is that that was it the case.
And looking back now, like I can see there have been people that
I've seen who like they want a future, but I gave them Drake.
And what I mean by that is like they just wanted something, a
one time thing, a casual hookup. And then I like gave them lover
boy Courtney who was in a relationship.
So it was just like the residuals of not having not not
separate the times because that doesn't that doesn't find like
having to get out of that mode of this is how I engage with the
person that I call partner. And this is also how I engage
with the person I call friend. And this is how I engage with
the person that I do work with. Like I believe in treating
people, you know, the way I'm going to treat people.
But what I've learned is that the discernment is important,
right? Like keep people, you know,
where they rightfully belong. And that's something that I've
only just now learned to you let people get closer as they earn
the right to be closer. And don't just start people out
with unequal insurance. That's a hard thing for me
because it's what I've done. Like that's who I have been.
And on a recent relationship, like she told me she's like, we
got to spam, what are you doing? I was like what you mean because
to me that was just my normal and that normal that shit don't
work that shit don't always work and apply to everybody.
So I'm I'm sharing this because people been asking me like how
you been and now I'm that. A good enough place to where
this experience is something that I think highlights one of
the points that I've made over the years is that this shit
going way bigger than I got herpes and I I'm scared of
rejection. I don't have to tell anybody
because I'm scared of rejection. That's what you're scared of.
I get it, right? We, we get newly diagnosed and,
you know, our world turns upside down.
We don't know what's what. But also, man, like, that can be
a reason, an excuse to not look at other things that could be
more prevalent, more so impacting you.
And in my case, like, yeah, the the herpes wasn't an issue.
Relationship wasn't an issue about dreaming passing.
It was an issue on the movie The tornado.
It wasn't an issue in any of the relationships that I was in.
But the real issue was for me, like what comes to mind again,
like there's two things I need to speak to 1 is I guess maybe
some sabotage in a way, but I can remember when I was like
1213 years old friend Nick, rest in peace.
He he actually passed away during the Joplin tornadoes,
Joplin, MO tornadoes years ago. Like that's something that was
happening to me because it's like I lost my 2 best friends
with childhood to a tornado. We had lost contact as we just
got older and when we got high school, when I found that I
almost but I remember he was dating this girl and he he was a
year older. She was like my Big Brother and
he had put me on her sister. And so we were talking, we
dated, texted and all that and we finally got to meet, go to
the movies, right? So this was we go to the movies
and she comes around the corner, see her and I just fucking take
off, right? I just I took off of it.
I don't know what it was, but I ran right.
And so that's one part of it that I'm going to share because
the, the reason that I'm bringing that up is this is like
the first time that I can really, you know, gauge a
relationship with women and that I've had in relationships with
women. And another piece of that is
that there was a distance, but then boom, we got too close in
proximity. Like here you are like tangible.
I could see you, put my hands with you, touch you, hug you,
and I'll fucking run. It was like, no, it's too close.
And I had a recent experience with that as well, like
literally 2 days ago, three 2-3 days ago where we got too close.
And I just, I found the reason to be like, this ain't for me.
This ain't for me and there's something to be said for there
being like a safety and proximity and distance to
because like a longer distance relationship because 12 year old
me, I'm I'm three times that age.
I don't live not the 12 year old, but up through the 24 year
old and now through the 36 year old.
And I still see how that manifests now in adulthood where
it's now not about, I guess it is still physical.
So like in those short spurts of time, like the, the distance is,
is good and yet not sustainable. But like the intensity compact
bit of time together is like, it's great, it's perfect.
We've got ways and get back to doing our own thing or whatever.
And that's been something that has been safe for me, but also
not sustainable, right. And the other component of this
is as it relates to as it relates to herpes, I don't know
if I'm trying to like force this in there, but I'm sharing this
because the relationship piece of how I engage with women or
have engaged with women partners relationships is still rooted in
what it was that made me brilliant.
Right? When you get too close to
something that maybe, maybe it would have been a fit, right?
Like I'm talking 1213 years old, but to still have that same
behavior as a 1213 year old boy playing out at 37 years old.
Now the, the distance becoming a safety is now like a barrier
that I have to actively disrupt because I don't, I don't want
that to be against. I don't want to put myself in
the position where I have to sustain emotional connection,
physical connection and all that with long term long distance
relationships. And and I see that like there's
a way to do that, but you can't like bring somebody some
clothes. And in my case, the phone calls
everyday falling asleep when falling at 1213 years old.
I don't think we just, we just talk to each other about all the
time. And then like when it came down
to, you know, physical in person and like now it's real.
It's like, Nope, like the fantasy.
And that's that's a thing that I feel like has more weight to it
than just being scared to tell somebody you got heritage or you
know what, what comes with that? And as I, as an adult now,
excuse me and see myself like ready to end these
relationships. And looking at it, the fact that
I'm like, OK, like polyamory never really was a fit for me.
There was something else that was there that did fit.
I think that parts of polyamory that words were like being able
to have that safety of a distance.
And then maybe when things get too close or too intimate and it
now requires more of a sacrifice in order to sustain, bring in
closeness. Perhaps that's what it is that
made me feel like, hey, like I'm not doing this.
Like it's not that I can't, it's just that it was sustainable for
me when I didn't have anything else going on because it's 1213
years old, That's how. So when I started playing
football and what I gave to football is synonymous to what I
pour and give into something possible for possible people.
And even at that time when I was poured into football, like I
couldn't keep, I couldn't keep you off me.
I had legs on me, but they wanted from me when I get to
football. And it was when I gave them what
I gave to football that that started to suck, that started to
be sacrifice. And I see a very direct parallel
now, 33312 year cycles since then, that the thing that makes
me attractive to potential partners is the passion, the
sense of duty. Maybe I have two fists.
And what comes up this or what, what's worn out of something
possible provides people to flashing is the light that it
emits and the gravity that it flows.
Like that shit becomes attractive.
And I'm learning that in order for me to continue to sustain
this kind of thing, like I gotta, I gotta say no.
Like, I gotta be like, I can't give you this.
I can't give you what I give to this.
And the amount of like I talked again, nature, nurture your
nature, right? This nurtures my nature.
And I was presented shit last night with somebody that I was
saying a conversation about. Like she asked, she's like, oh,
so you treat everybody as good. She's like, I thought I was
special. Just treat everybody like this.
I said, yeah, like, why would not?
Why not be kind to everybody, right?
Like I don't think I'm going to sleep people.
I think that I'd do a good job of communicating verbally.
Hey, here's no wonders what's happening here.
I scam. What about you check in.
In fact, like that's got me in trouble.
I say sex positivity. It's fucked me up because a lot
of that shit, it's kind of like doing karate versus somebody who
street fighting sport somebody who has a gun.
Let's say that right, doing karate only work with people who
do karate. If you can run into somebody
you're trying to do a karate fight with somebody got a gun on
them or a knife weapon of any sort, all that karate shit go
out the window. And it's been the same way for
me, like navigating, going out to the club, for instance,
right. Like I've been going out by
myself. I've been trying to get
comfortable with dancing and like I went to a place that
played like hip hop might be Afro beats and I I I'm watching
interactions and the shit that flies into the middle world in
these faces don't fly into sex positivity, right?
Like I'm watching dudes like grab where you go and be like,
Hey, come here, mom, let me talk to you.
And they receptive this fuck too.
And I'm sitting there like about to get cancelled.
Oh, I could never do this. Just like what are you talking
about? Like this, this how I grew up
with this. So now like I have a balanced
awareness of when that's OK, when that's not OK and
understanding, like it's the environment, it has so much to
do with, you know, has so much more influence.
And so me shifting into an environment where my nature is
nurture, like my real nature. I ain't talking about like the
performative is not the right word, but people will talk about
like performative men who can do the emotional intelligence shit.
And like, I think that I'm a genuine person.
I think that I present from a place of where I'm at and when
I'm talking about things, like talking about them genuinely
like I'm using the language because I love being respectful.
So it doesn't feel like I'm coming from a place of being
conformative. It feels like a place where it's
like, how do you calibrate being adjacent to, you know, queer
culture and then like having to go back into like the hip hop
culture, which is like very counterintuitive to be someone
who's in between them. So especially as a straight
black man who grew up and then as an adult, you know, I'm
learning how many things were wrong with this thing and how to
like figure out how to integrate these.
So, so it's been a practice, man.
It's been a practice of like navigating me wrong.
Like I, I, it's so fucked up. Y'all, let me tell you.
Let me tell you. That's a quick story and I got
to get back to track, but I've been out a couple times where I
had no idea somebody was in the world of sex positivity.
I think that it's been so much easier because there's so much
sexual openness where you will know if a person likes you.
They might just directly tell you like, hey, I'm trying to
fuck. They might tell you, hey, like,
what are you getting into? Like I'm interested, whereas
like I'm I'm out doing my little, I ain't got I ain't got
no crazy dance moves, right? Like I'm just chilling and like
you pick up on things. Like a part of me was like, hey,
hey, pay attention to this and love.
Part of me was like I ain't no way that this girl that's been
standing here for the last 30 minutes and inching closer to me
is interested in me. This girl had like brush up
against me like 3 times and I moved a little bit like oh shit
I'm I'm sorry I don't want to be rude.
And then fucking smacks me in the face with her hair and then
I I. Said so to her.
Quick I was like, damn, this you smelling all good like that?
She's like, I don't know, it could be anybody.
So a lot of people in here and I was like, oh, I told somebody
that that happened. She was like, and then what?
I was like she rejected me. Like what you mean she's like
quick, that is not what happened.
Like and I was like, oh fuck, I'm not in that space anymore.
I'm in a different environment and things like this have have
have happened enough for me to be like, alright, some changes
have to be made like because I'm in this environment and you
know, this will be a whole nother conversation probably
about how like sex positivity has fucked me up.
But I don't mean that exclusively in a way that, you
know, now I don't know how to flirt in the real world.
That's not what I'm saying. But there have been
conversations that I've had with people that that kind of like,
the fuck are you talking about? Like you don't talk like that
whole another thing. But tying this back to the
original point of just coming to the realization that I'm not
polyamorous like a lot of what I do through something positive.
Like I work with a lot of people, mostly women, and I
remember things like that, the way that I've run this, the way
that I'm on top of shit, the way I'm committed, the way I'm
passionate, the way people feel, the way people talk about it.
That's been a threat in past relationships.
And I've allowed myself to be like, well, you're more
important than this thing, but not really giving people the
opportunity to prove their importance or like prove that
you know, you are more important than this, this, this don't mean
anything compared to you. And I've not given myself the
grace or being been real with myself, right?
Like being real with myself about the fact that this is my
only my purpose, right? People give me props and shit
all the time for what I do, but I don't think people really
understand like the sacrifices that, you know, I have to come
with this. And one of those sacrifices is
coming from a place of me needing to know how to tell
mother fuckers, no, hey, you're not going to take me away from
this. And I feel like even with that,
like I'm inviting the the challenge.
Somebody be like, Beck, hold my beer.
I'm about to get I'm about to get his attention because I
watched Demon Slayer the anime. And there was there during the
sword Smith village park where the dude came out the jar and he
was like whipping this sword Smith who was like concentrated
making his sword. He didn't want to kill him.
He just wanted him to pay attention to me.
He was like, no, I'm going to break your concentration.
But he never broke his concentration, never broke his
concentration. And that's kind of
metaphorically what I was doing prior to entering any
relationship, really. It's like being on my shit.
And then the minute you know, you break concentration, like
that's where shit falls apart. It's like, I got you all right.
That's all I wanted to break your concentration.
Peace out. I'll see you.
And that's like, that's, that's the experience.
And as long as I've been taking care of this, as long as I've
been on top of, you know, doing what it is and I know what I'm
supposed to be doing, I had and it's, it's been consistent
enough at least since September, August, September, for the last
six months where I can look at it and go, you know what?
That's exactly right. And I think that there's been
pressure for me to again, like give what I give to this to
other people. And that has helped with the
calibration process of what my relationship capacity is.
Because I mean, low key Ramadan starts tomorrow.
I ain't Muslim, but I met somebody who is Muslim and we
were having conversations. Well, what does that consist of?
What, what does Ramadan consist of is you talk about like some
of the things that you, you give up and some of the ways that you
got to be. And I, I wanted to see if I can
do it. So yesterday I've decided I was
married. I'm not going to drink.
I'm not going to do any. What was it?
It's no drinking or eating. Went from sunup to sundown, no
pork, no alcohol and then no sex.
Now the, the no sex thing, I think I'm going to see if I can
do is like 2 points. So we'll see if I can do that.
But everything else I think I can do.
So I'm trying that out. I'm on day 2 of this and you
know, it feels like people say, Oh well, what do you want to
return? You should ask for something.
I don't need anything. And I think that I like the
sustainability of not needing anything.
And that's another thing that's gotten me in trouble with people
because it's like, OK, now it's so sustainable.
I need you. But I have a greater capacity,
greater quality of capacity to be able to give.
And it's just not in the way that people want to receive me.
So you telling me this whole time this microphone ain't been
what in the world? Wow.
Oh my God. So this shit just ain't been on
it all. Oh my God, we going to see what
happens from here. I I should sound way different
and way better now, so I just been talking at the laptop.
I hope it's picked up everything I got to bring this to a close
now. What in the hell that's
embarrassing. All right, so I will not take
breaks from podcasting again. We just don't do this until
until I stop. Wow, that just that just ruined
my whole train of thought. So closing this out, I guess
like at this point, now that I'm grounded, now that I'm self
sustainable, I have a greater quality of a give in which I can
offer to the world. Like it's not just individual
partners, but like I recognize that the, the, the frequency,
the quantity is a thing that I, I don't have.
I don't have like the quantity, but the quality is tremendous.
And I think that sustaining this rhythm is going to be what draws
in like aligned, not just opportunities, people,
friendships, connections, but also relationships or whatever
relationship, whatever it ends up turning into.
Like I'm not, I'm not attached to any particular outcome.
Like I'm thinking now what's important to me is output over
outcome. And me prior to six months ago
was very much like outcome driven.
Like I, this is what I want. This is what I have that like
now let's let's maximize this. But I've developed a lot of
patients. I've cultivated a lot more
consistency and more will, I want to say, and I'm a much
better, I'm in a much better place.
I'm much more suited to be able to run something positive for
positive people. I'm much more suited to be able
to facilitate these support groups, support calls.
And I have like the bandwidth and the capacity because I've I,
I had to plug some energy leaks, right?
Like the intentionality. One more thing that came up from
my breakup, like looking at what it means to be intentional and
being able to give energy to where it's reciprocated, like
plugging energy into where it's reciprocated.
I look at how stars function and I've been like, again, studying
that in quantum physics. And I've been doing a lot of
like I was in a period of taking after my relationship ended
after being in a place of like just giving, like forceful
giving in the sense. Versus sitting like the Sun does
in our solar system where all it does is turn hydrogen and
helium. All of the planets Orient
themselves to the sun's consistency rhythm.
And the minute that the Sun tries to like help somebody see
better about shining more bright or getting closer to creating
more warrant, you fuck up the whole solar system.
Like the planets get out of whack, the ecosystems that and
everything that's orbited to your rhythm get completely
fucked up. So I look at the solar system
the same way I do the nervous system.
And it's a matter of me continuing to do this.
And I can't, I can't compromise this.
I can't make sacrifices from this.
And I, I'm, I'm clear on that now.
So is my little accountability episode to not let that kind of
shit happen again. And yeah, I welcome the I
welcome everybody who's going to be like, oh, hold my breath,
watch this. Let me let me try this out.
Whatever his name was from Demon Slayer, who did like the
whipping of the dude that was the sword Smith that was making
the sword. I welcome that shit because now,
I mean, I know what I'm capable of and I've seen what happens
when I don't do this. So this shallow continue to be
done and I look forward to whatever content comes out of
this moving forward. But yeah, the way Instagram,
maybe they're fucking with me lately and the way that I've had
to like play around with that, it's not worth the time anymore.
So people ain't getting the announcements.
Like now it's just a matter of getting people to the website.
And this is one of the ways that we're going to do it.
So bandwidth opened up, bandwidth closing back up and
I'm able to play around with the space that I have between like
my maximum efficiency versus my maximum capacity.
All right, till next time, stay present.
That concludes this episode of something positive for positive
people. Please like red review, share,
subscribe to shit, e-mail me. Like if excuse me over the last
however long it's been, like I think that I've had more people
on the support calls be like, Oh yeah, like I found this website.
Like I don't even know if the podcast is useful.
But at this point, it's just like a media tool to put out
there, hey, this is what we're doing.
And it feels again, a line for me to be able to come back into
it now, right? So thanks for listening, thanks
for hearing me. Thank you for letting us be a
space for accountability, as well as me being able to be
consistent to what it is and I'm doing.
I think that the more open and transparent I am about my own
life, my own experiences. And like now, I ain't like I'm
putting people out there anything.
But I think I'm, it's, it's good for me to be able to do this and
do this by myself and do this in a way that, you know, I, I bring
people in who align on a project basis or whatever.
But I, I can't let myself do what, what's happened in the
past. And I feel like a much more firm
sense of conviction and like, I can do this shit.
Like there's infinite capacity of energy here.
And I look forward to being able to continue to serve, continue
to have a support cause and support groups.
And the events which we got on March 21st in New York City, if
you're in New York City, the event itself will be in
Brooklyn. It's a full day of support.
So I'm pumping this out in the newsletter now.
Yeah. I, I, I feel like I, I keep
wanting to say more stuff, especially because my mic was
tripping. I hope that this sounds all
right, but I'm going to play it for myself and, and see what it
sounds like. Because I got the space here all
right next to the computer. And I know it's probably been a
constant hum in the background, so fudge.