1 00:00:01,560 --> 00:00:04,400 Hello and welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. 2 00:00:04,560 --> 00:00:07,480 I'm Courtney Brain. Something Positive for Positive 3 00:00:07,480 --> 00:00:10,120 People is a nonprofit organization supporting people 4 00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:14,640 who are navigating herpes. We do this in a variety of ways. 5 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,120 We offer one-on-one support cause not just for people with 6 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:20,640 herpes, but to people who might have recently been disclosed to 7 00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:24,120 by a potential partner or loved one and they want to know how to 8 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:26,080 be supportive or how to move forward with them. 9 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:28,760 I'm a yoga therapist in training. 10 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:33,080 I emphasize the in training, but we also offer one-on-one yoga 11 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:38,600 therapy to give people an option for how to not just navigate the 12 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:44,640 stigma, but how to incorporate changes that align with wherever 13 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:47,880 they are in life. I use the sciences of yoga 14 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:52,520 applied to the situations and challenges that someone who is 15 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,840 dealing with a herpes diagnosis might be facing. 16 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,840 For example, a lot of times people that I talk to 17 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:04,440 one-on-one, they want to work through stigma and there's not 18 00:01:04,599 --> 00:01:11,200 much of anything that talks about how exactly to do that on 19 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:14,680 the Internet. And so utilizing yoga therapy, 20 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:17,840 which yoga has been really useful for me because I find 21 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:23,320 that what it has done is give me what my baseline is and then be 22 00:01:23,320 --> 00:01:28,280 able to use my stress, my external circumstances in order 23 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:32,480 to assess where I'm at internally going down to the 24 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:36,720 nervous system, right? So when we're having an 25 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:40,280 outbreak, for instance, there's probably a gentle whisper that 26 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:45,080 comes to us through the nervous system because herpes is a nerve 27 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:47,120 condition and that's what a lot of people really don't 28 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,440 understand. So when you deal with the 29 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:53,640 nervous system, you're dealing with the nerves, which might be 30 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:58,720 like the earliest sign of, hey, something's happening and then 31 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:03,200 you ignore that or you got a lot of stress happening for you and 32 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:05,960 you're not paying attention to the nervous system. 33 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:10,680 So maybe now you got a little dis ease or discomfort and you 34 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:14,840 don't really know why. Maybe it manifests as anxiety or 35 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:20,560 maybe it turns into what might feel like a potential outbreak 36 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:25,160 coming on and now you have more of a greater chance to pay 37 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:27,560 attention to it and then boom, outbreak, right. 38 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,760 So what I do is I teach people to get to their baseline and be 39 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:34,160 able to pay attention to that before it even gets to the point 40 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:39,320 where a physical, physical symptoms present themselves. 41 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:42,880 So right now I'm working with 1-2. 42 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:46,480 Damn, I got 5 clients. 6, I got 6 clients. 43 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:48,480 That's crazy. Wow. 44 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:53,400 All right, but I, I, I think I want to cap it at like 12:00. 45 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:55,880 We, we gonna cap it. I'm working with 12 people at a 46 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:58,760 time and I let everybody know, listen, if you work with me 47 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:00,480 after 12 weeks, it's because you like me. 48 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:04,360 And maybe we just need to see each other once a month or every 49 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:05,760 other week or something like that. 50 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:12,040 But yeah, I'm, there's an episode where I interviewed one 51 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:14,560 of my clients actually about what she's getting out of yoga 52 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,000 therapy. So this is something that you're 53 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:20,000 curious about. You can type Yoga Therapy in the 54 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:24,880 search box of the podcast tab of SP fpp.org. 55 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:28,440 And then last thing we got, we got the support group some 56 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:31,960 there's a women's group, there's a men's group that meets on 57 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:34,360 Monday. So the women's group is the 1st 58 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,320 and 3rd Monday, 7:30 PM Eastern Time. 59 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:42,080 And then the men's group is the 2nd and 4th Monday evening, 60 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:46,640 virtually 7:30 PM Eastern Time for the ladies group. 61 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,160 The next one that we have is going to be this upcoming 62 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:52,040 Monday, November 3rd. I'm going to have a guest. 63 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:55,440 I'm going to have a guest come into the support group who she's 64 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:59,360 going to share some of her personal experience with 65 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:03,560 successfully dating and entering a relationship post herpes 66 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,000 diagnosis. I'm sure we'll get some 67 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:08,360 questions about rejection. We'll get questions about how to 68 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:10,360 disclose and how that went for her. 69 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:13,320 But this is really your opportunity, though, for the 70 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:17,040 women's group to be able to talk to a woman who has herpes and 71 00:04:17,399 --> 00:04:22,040 just like somebody who has the experience and I guess the 72 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:26,840 outcome that a lot of women maybe want to have a lot of 73 00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:31,720 women who are dating with herpes who would like to just see what 74 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,080 is possible on the other end of that. 75 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:37,160 So I reached out to a few other women that I know who are in 76 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:39,600 relationships. And this may not be the first 77 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:42,600 time or the only time that this happens, but it's something that 78 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,600 I think will be useful. And then for the men's group, 79 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:50,480 y'all, So we've had two successful, 2 successful support 80 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:53,400 groups the month of October. This is when I started this, 81 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,680 right? And the women's groups both 82 00:04:56,680 --> 00:05:00,440 great, consistent. The thing that came up there was 83 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:03,320 just disclosures. And then for the men's group, I 84 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:08,640 thought we did a really great job of defining what terms like 85 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:13,280 community support and stigma were we set a very solid 86 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:16,560 foundation. We, we got a good base week 1 87 00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:24,840 and then we 2 don't nobody show up and people RSVPD and I, I 88 00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:29,400 sent down a follow up e-mail. I, I don't know what it is where 89 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:35,000 the challenge of getting men to be consistent and support groups 90 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:38,360 like most of the women who showed up for the first one 91 00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:42,120 showed up to the second one. And for the men, I don't know, 92 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:44,600 like maybe I'm not giving y'all what y'all need. 93 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:48,360 But The thing is this is being created like from scratch. 94 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:52,400 So I'm asking you all the questions and establishing the 95 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:55,920 foundation and the base of what these support groups are going 96 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:58,720 to be like. And the people who are helping 97 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:03,360 me to Co create what that looks like just didn't show up for the 98 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:06,160 second one. So it's like what I, I don't 99 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:09,720 even have the feedback on what went well, what didn't work, 100 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:14,680 like why you ain't coming back. So I'm, I'm gonna keep showing 101 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:16,880 up like that's, that's all. That's what I'm gonna do. 102 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:22,400 My Monday is 7:30 PM Eastern Time, except for November 10th, 103 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:24,600 November 10th. We're going to move that support 104 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:29,520 group to Thursday, November 6th at 7:30 PM Eastern Time. 105 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,080 I sent out the newsletter already for the month of 106 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:35,920 November. So that is out there. 107 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:43,320 So if any men want to join for the first support group for them 108 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:46,080 in the month of November, that'll be on November 6. 109 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:51,560 All right. Today's podcast episode is being 110 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,240 recorded on Halloween, October 31st. 111 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,560 And I was reminded of where I was. 112 00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:58,840 What was that? Four years ago? 113 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,960 I was 2025. Yeah, I was reminded where I was 114 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:08,200 2021 on Halloween. So last night was October 30th 115 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:12,720 or Thursday. I just went out to, oh, actually 116 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,480 I got a story. So I was supposed to be in 117 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:18,400 Houston, TX this weekend. I was excited for this. 118 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:21,680 I used to live in Houston and I got a couple of really good 119 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:24,520 friends out there that I'll play the game with. 120 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:26,480 And that's kind of how we stay in touch. 121 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:30,520 And so we I've been making it a point to try and see them at 122 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:34,080 least twice a year. And so I was due for my second 123 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:36,760 time of year before one of my buddies goes out of the country 124 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:42,200 for a few weeks. And everything was fine. 125 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:47,080 I packed, I had all my stuff, the weather was good. 126 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:50,200 I made my ride to the airport. I was nervous about that, but I 127 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:53,040 made it, got there on time, got there early. 128 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:56,680 In fact, I got to go to the Chase Sapphire Reserve lounge 129 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:59,960 'cause I got a new credit card for something positive, for 130 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:04,840 positive people that came with a lot more like stuff that I would 131 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:08,080 use since I travel so much for the business. 132 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:10,560 And so I was able to go to the lounge. 133 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,360 I got in there, I did some work and y'all know how much I don't 134 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:15,760 like PowerPoint. So I got my PowerPoint done, not 135 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:20,280 PowerPoint, but just slides. So I have a, a, a solid template 136 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:23,960 to be able to just fill in for the subject matter on which I'm 137 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:27,720 going to be presenting on, which is typically herpes stigma. 138 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:31,640 I went to my gate. I got there. 139 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:35,720 The A group was boarding. I was part of B group and I got 140 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:39,200 in, I got a good seat. There was nobody sitting in the 141 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:42,120 middle and we back off from the gate. 142 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:46,400 We back off from the gate on time and then we're sitting in 143 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:50,240 the, the, the air traffic, which is sitting there and we can't 144 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:52,560 take off. So the pilot told us it was 145 00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:53,840 going to be about an hour and a half. 146 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,920 I was like, alright, cool. So I'm chilling. 147 00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:02,040 I'm I'm scrolling Instagram, I'm watching anime and therefore, 148 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:05,160 you know, it is 2 1/2 hours and then they tell us that we're 149 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,640 going to refuel at the what's it called? 150 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,600 We, we had the dock. So and then they told us to 151 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:15,120 deplane and the last time I was told to deplane, we had a 7 hour 152 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:18,920 flight delay. And so we deplane, we hanging 153 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:23,160 out and people are like lined up to figure out what's going on. 154 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:27,480 And I'm, I'm listening to the lady not know what's happening. 155 00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:30,040 And she's very cool, very calm. This is with Southwest. 156 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:34,680 And normally the last time that this happened, I got text 157 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:37,640 messages and updates about, you know, what was happening with 158 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,760 the plane. So I'm gonna go chill at the 159 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:42,320 lounge again. So I go back to the lounge and 160 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,040 there was a a wait. And. 161 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:47,880 They gave me a ticket to go to another lounge. 162 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:49,640 So I'm chilling at the other lounge. 163 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:53,080 I get some food and then I get a text to come to the other 164 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:54,240 lounge. All right, great. 165 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,960 I get that text. I go back to the lounge and I 166 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,240 wanted to be at and I was just going to hang out until it was 167 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:03,480 time to leave. And then I get there and they 168 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:07,160 check your boarding pass and the boarding pass show that my 169 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:12,360 flight took off 2 minutes ago. And I was like, what 'cause I I 170 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:16,800 watched one episode of anime, The walk was not even 5 minutes 171 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:19,800 from the gate to the lounge or from the lounge to the other 172 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:22,320 lounge. So I'll say that maybe 30 173 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,120 minutes, 30 to 40 minutes have gone by. 174 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:29,040 And in that amount of time, no notifications. 175 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:34,720 I've seen people walk away and then they were on the phone 176 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,720 talking about their work had booked their flight and they 177 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,520 don't have any information. So like I'm talking to people 178 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,760 and everything and all of a sudden, like the flight's just 179 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,600 boarded. The flight's boarded. 180 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:49,000 We were supposed to leave at 11. The flight's boarded at three O 181 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:52,080 4. Now the flight didn't leave for 182 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,520 another two hours, but I didn't know that that was happening. 183 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:57,560 So I get back to the gate and I'm, I'm in line. 184 00:10:57,560 --> 00:11:00,720 I'm like, yo, what's going on? So apparently the flight had 185 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:04,520 already boarded and there there was no notifications or 186 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:08,080 anything. And so they called names and 187 00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:12,640 they had like 20 people missing. And so they called me and then I 188 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,600 go up and everybody's always surprised that I'm Courtney 189 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,840 brain. They're looking for like a 5 190 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,960 foot white girl or something. And so I was like, hey, I'm 191 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,560 Courtney. And so she was going to print 192 00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:25,920 out my boarding pass she's hand. So I was like, hey, I don't want 193 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:29,480 to go no more. And so she cancelled the flight 194 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:31,960 and told me to call customer relations. 195 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,520 Now, there were a lot of things that were happening. 196 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:37,440 It's just I didn't feel good about. 197 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,920 I know about the government shutdown. 198 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:43,960 I know a lot of employees are there, but they're not getting 199 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,120 paid. So there's also, you know, that 200 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:54,400 that part of it as well. And then there is also, as I 201 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,680 was, you know, looking at why we weren't leaving, they mentioned 202 00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:59,000 that it was because of the weather. 203 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:04,800 I guess maybe the wind had shut down a lot of the runways and so 204 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:09,480 everybody was coming and going from the same runway and we 205 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:13,720 weren't leaving. Now, at this point in time, the 206 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:18,240 weather was significantly worse than when we were about to 207 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:21,120 leave. And I get it, like traffic might 208 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,960 have just like died down. So as you get more into the 209 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,840 afternoon, maybe fewer planes are coming and going. 210 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:31,160 But I I got a wave of anxiousness man. 211 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:36,560 And that's that wave of anxiousness is the same wave 212 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:41,520 that told me I needed to get the fuck out of the my my ex 213 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:45,200 girlfriend's apartment before that storm came. 214 00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:48,440 And it's the same when they told me I need to get the fuck out of 215 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:55,360 or move my flight up from my, when I left from Saint Louis to 216 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:59,520 go out of town before the tornado had came and hit my 217 00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:02,880 place. And it was the same wave or 218 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:06,680 similar wave of anxiousness that just came with like a big ass 219 00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:09,240 warning sign. Another time that I was, I won't 220 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:15,200 say when this was, but I was out with some friends that, you 221 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,760 know, and we're drinking and everything. 222 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,840 And, you know, some people were doing other things and I ended 223 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:23,840 up like having to switch cars and robbing somebody. 224 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:27,760 I, I didn't know. And when we were in the car 225 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:33,720 riding, like, clearly he was not driving very safely. 226 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:37,520 And we got over one of those like high overpasses on a bridge 227 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,000 and he was swerving like a motherfucker. 228 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:45,800 And so like, the swerving came from him not paying attention to 229 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,880 the road. He was like talking to the girl 230 00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:51,720 in the passenger seat. And I was like, I, I, I snapped. 231 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,600 I, I, I hate when I get like this, but I snapped. 232 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,000 I was like, yo, just pay attention to the road. 233 00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:00,120 I don't think I said it like that, but that was what I said 234 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,040 he did. He paid attention to the road, 235 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:09,240 but he was still swerving and for where we were, I did last 236 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:10,760 thing I need. I got too much going for me 237 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:16,320 right now to go to jail to have any reason to be involved with 238 00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:18,240 some fuck shit. And I didn't know this dude. 239 00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:21,120 So I was like, hey, pull over at this QuikTrip. 240 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:22,800 So I we pulled over at the QuikTrip. 241 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,880 I was like all right, y'all good I'm an Uber home. 242 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:29,480 So I went in, got a hot dog, Uber home and the Uber was like 243 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:34,320 inconvenient as fuck. But my anxiety that I have went 244 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:39,640 away and that combination of things where I listen to my 245 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:43,480 nervous system, I don't know what might have been avoided. 246 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,000 I don't know if anything was avoided. 247 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:50,960 But I know that the, the more that we do a thing, the better 248 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,240 we get at it. And it was important for me to 249 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,520 honor that. It was important for me to 250 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:59,880 regardless of, you know, all right, that that 20-30 dollars 251 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:04,360 of an Uber ride, it was more important to me that I did that 252 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,600 than anything else. And everybody like they beat me 253 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,320 home. Everybody like, you know, gave 254 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,960 me shit for, you know, being paranoid or whatever. 255 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:16,080 But at the end of the day, like I respected myself for that 256 00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,720 decision. And my friends were like, hey, 257 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:20,680 yeah, you got to trust your gut. You know, I not know what, 258 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,640 right. Like I felt supported. 259 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:26,480 Like, you know, friends tease you get your shit, but also 260 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:29,120 like, I was supported in the decision that I made. 261 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:34,480 So I, I, I can't, I can't go against that anymore. 262 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:38,480 And I think that speaking more to the nervous system and like, 263 00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:45,440 it ain't just herpes and the possibility of an outbreak that 264 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:50,640 gives us these kind of signs. Like there is a fucking whole 265 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:58,840 undercurrent of things that connect us as humans that a lot 266 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:05,240 of us just ain't in tune with. And what I found is that yoga 267 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:09,440 and a lot of what I'm learning is I look at quantum physics and 268 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:13,600 spirituality and make these connections for me personally is 269 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:17,440 that, you know, the, the nervous system is a manifestation of 270 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:22,080 whatever quantum physics stuff we come from. 271 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,080 And then everything that happens with the nerves is the 272 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:29,200 communication network. And I think that our body 273 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:33,680 sensations, the five senses, our thoughts, our emotions, our 274 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:38,480 breath and how we breathe, our organ function and what happens 275 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:44,480 within the body, digestion. All of this is a just another 276 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:51,160 way for the soul to communicate. And the spiritual significance 277 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:55,680 of herpes is by far the most downloaded podcast episode. 278 00:16:56,000 --> 00:17:00,440 And I think that what happens is when we hit that, that struggle, 279 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:05,160 that suffering, whatever we want to call it when we get this 280 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:09,000 herpes diagnosis and we, we, we see the things that we have to 281 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:14,920 deal with a lot of times, that tragedy, that trauma, it makes 282 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:18,720 us look to spirituality. It makes us look within. 283 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:22,119 Because the thing about herpes is, ain't no answers out there 284 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,960 that we want. People look for a cure. 285 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:27,599 There is no cure. People look for. 286 00:17:27,599 --> 00:17:30,240 How do I prevent a partner from getting this? 287 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:34,080 There is no way of preventing your partner from getting this 288 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:38,680 from you. And I use the analogy and you 289 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:41,760 know, I'm beating this thing into the ground, but our bodies 290 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:49,280 host a lot of viruses, bacteria, fungi, parasites, and it manages 291 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:52,280 it right? Like we're, we're collections of 292 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:55,320 collections of things that are coexisting. 293 00:17:55,840 --> 00:18:02,480 And when we have excess of any of these, that's where we need 294 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:07,160 to address it. The inflammations, the, the 295 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:12,040 infections, the, the, the disease, the symptoms and all of 296 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:15,840 that, right? That's when things have gotten 297 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:21,200 quote out of hand and we live in a world where we are pulled in 298 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:26,800 so many directions and our stress isn't limited to just our 299 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:31,000 internal world For us to be connected to it and go, oh, OK, 300 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:35,080 this relationship is actually doing me more harm than good. 301 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,920 Oh, the amount of time that I put into this activity needs to 302 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:44,280 be dialed back a lot. Or that thing that I got going 303 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:48,800 on that I used to really find a lot of joy from it. 304 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,640 It's not bringing me joy anymore. 305 00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:59,840 And so looking at those things regularly require stillness. 306 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,720 Now when we work in the world where a lot of people, you know, 307 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:06,360 these people ain't getting paid. These people are working and not 308 00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:09,200 being paid. Granted they're supposed to get 309 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:13,040 their back pay, but like, imagine having to show up for 310 00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:16,440 work and it's work. And the one thing you get out of 311 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:19,880 your job? Is your money to be able to do 312 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,680 the things that you enjoy, you show up to work and then you 313 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:26,800 just don't get paid and you you do that like where where's the 314 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:30,840 line At what point are you going to focus on maintaining what you 315 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,920 have right? Like I talked to someone last 316 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:37,920 night and she's a government employee and I asked her what's 317 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,200 happening? Like what are you doing? 318 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:42,560 How do you how do you get by? She's like personal loans, she 319 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:47,440 said, deferring everything. And like eating up savings. 320 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,440 Well, she ain't say eating up savings what I'm assuming 321 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:52,000 because she ain't getting paid like that's that's and that's 322 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:55,840 assuming that she got a savings. A lot of people ain't got that. 323 00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:06,680 And the going back to look at me, I was going to just forget 324 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:08,440 about what I was talking about originally. 325 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:11,280 But our body. Hosts all of these things, 326 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:14,480 right? And it's not just the physical 327 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:17,480 things that we host, right? We energetically hold a lot, we 328 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:20,320 emotionally hold a lot. We always, you know, considering 329 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,320 and thinking about other people as well and the other places 330 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:27,000 that we got to be the identities that we have and the mask that 331 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,320 we need to wear a lot of the times. 332 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:36,480 And so our bodies are these apartment complexes that your 333 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:39,800 tenants need to be taken care of You, the you, the 334 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,480 Superintendent, you, the landlord. 335 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:51,280 And when you have a tenant that let's let's say herpes is a 336 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,680 tenant, it's in one of the units and the air conditioner goes out 337 00:20:55,600 --> 00:21:00,640 and then it's hot outside. First you get the message, hey, 338 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:05,840 our air conditioners out in unit whatever and then your. 339 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:10,040 Responsibility is to fix that. And let's say you're too busy or 340 00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:13,400 you're, you're just not you, you, you getting your rent paid 341 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,040 every month from the tenants and you just going out and you 342 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:18,240 chilling, you drinking, you partying, you having a good 343 00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:21,520 time, but you're not taking care of the responsibility that is 344 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,920 the apartment complex that you, you manage your body. 345 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:29,400 And so herpes, that tenant is like, all right, you know, our 346 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:30,720 air conditioner ain't getting fixed. 347 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,400 It's hot. We're not being cared for. 348 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,160 Let's go to the leasing office. Herpes goes to the leasing 349 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,240 office, maybe knocks on the door. 350 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:40,040 Ain't nobody there. They leave when a letter. 351 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:44,440 And then before you know it, too much time pass and rent ain't 352 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:48,160 getting paid because herpes is now looking for a new place to 353 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:51,360 live. And now it goes from the nerves 354 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,720 through the nervous system, or I'm sorry, from the nervous 355 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:58,480 system and through the nerves. And then it begins to travel 356 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:01,080 through the body. You may miss the signal of it 357 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:04,280 traveling because you're so disconnected from your body. 358 00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:09,040 And then before you know it, that mug is on your skin. 359 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,600 And it's like, all right, this is your last chance. 360 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:13,360 You need to fix this air conditioner. 361 00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:17,040 And this is where we get the the shedding that typically takes 362 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:20,320 place before an outbreak happens, like the noticeable 363 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:24,840 shedding where you feel that sensation coming along and then 364 00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:27,320 you ignore it even more and then bam, now we. 365 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,680 Got an outbreak? And you can't ignore it. 366 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:32,720 And this is just herpes looking for a new home. 367 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:36,760 It's fine when you are taking care of yourself. 368 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:40,160 It's not fine when you are not taking. 369 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:44,600 Care of yourself. And, you know, I, I always think 370 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,200 go back and I always go back and forth about, you know, where, 371 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:51,240 whether or not I was aligned in places that I was when I was 372 00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:53,840 living in Saint Louis, when I was living in New Jersey, when I 373 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:57,520 was living in Portland and I wasn't getting outbreaks. 374 00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:00,280 And I, I, I, I don't regret any of those moves. 375 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:05,080 I don't regret any of those decisions because it was still 376 00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:09,080 aligned for me to go through what it was that I went through 377 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,560 in order for me to have the experiences that I needed to 378 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:15,680 have, perhaps to be able to speak to and perhaps to be able 379 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,000 to become more related to people. 380 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:21,360 To have a failed, you know, relocation, a failed 381 00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:25,880 relationship, a failed relocation again, a failed. 382 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:33,560 Like having a plan for being home again. 383 00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:38,600 And that wasn't supposed to be what my story was for me going 384 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,480 back home and making that effort. 385 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:44,360 That was a part of the story, but it wasn't the story. 386 00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:50,240 And I find a lot of I find a lot of peace in that. 387 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:53,640 I find a lot of peace in like looking back and being able to 388 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:56,720 say, you know, even from four years ago, because what's the 389 00:23:56,720 --> 00:24:02,440 beautiful thing about this is it was October 30th in 2021, I want 390 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:07,160 to say, and I was wearing my Adventure Time costume and last 391 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:08,920 night I wore my Adventure Time costume. 392 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:16,000 I was fan and I had a, a ugly, a ugly breakup, an ugly 393 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:20,160 relationship. And, and this was with someone 394 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:28,640 who we were non monogamous and there was a lot of like issues 395 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:36,560 that she had with me personally that I knew about and that she 396 00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:39,200 told me about. But these were things that 397 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:41,800 because they were mentioned, it was like, OK, great, it's on the 398 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:43,840 table. We, we deal with this, right. 399 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:48,840 And there were issues that I had with her and like her 400 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:52,720 relationships. And it was like, OK, this is on 401 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:55,000 the table. We both know we're we're going 402 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:59,120 to deal with it and. All of that. 403 00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:03,160 Ended up I, I, I don't really know how to describe how he got 404 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:10,720 there, but what was expressed to me was like my happiness being 405 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:14,360 an issue. Like Courtney, you, you do what 406 00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:16,880 you, you found a thing that you love, that you do, that you're 407 00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:20,360 supposed to be doing. I haven't found that I'm jealous 408 00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:27,240 of you. And it was my like, big Hey, I'm 409 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:31,440 jealous of you, my partner, my boyfriend, like we supposed to 410 00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:34,120 be, you know, we in a relationship working towards 411 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:36,600 whatever long term, you know, looks like. 412 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:49,160 And that even just saying that now, man, like I'm going to tell 413 00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:52,560 you how this don't be in a relationship with somebody who's 414 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:58,600 jealous of you, because I think that vocabulary, language, and 415 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:04,800 all of that is so it's, it's different across the spectrum. 416 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:11,240 It's very subjective, right? Because to me, my experience 417 00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:19,160 with jealousy has been, oh, that person is doing something that I 418 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:24,400 wish I could do. Let me get better so that I can 419 00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:27,920 also do that thing. It's there's a hint of 420 00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:33,880 inspiration underneath of jealousy, or there can be a hint 421 00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:38,800 of, I don't know. I I, I, I can't really say what 422 00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:42,080 it is, but whenever I've been jealous of somebody, I just made 423 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,760 changes. I've never just been jealous of 424 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:47,720 somebody and then just been jealous, right. 425 00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:51,600 Like if there was a time where I was fucking jealous of like 426 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,800 light skinned dudes because they, they seem they got all the 427 00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:58,440 girls in in school. There was a time that I was 428 00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:00,480 jealous of light skinned dudes and all. 429 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:02,880 I've been dark my whole life. I can't remember when I wasn't, 430 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,000 I can't remember the time where I wasn't dark. 431 00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:11,520 And in those instances, right, like, all right, well, shit, 432 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:13,200 what is it about? I'm I got curious. 433 00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:15,480 So like some of my friends were like in Devon. 434 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,520 Devon, one of my best friends, he'd been light skinned his 435 00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:23,160 whole life. Nick, you know, RIP, you know, 436 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:27,280 these were friends of mine who were light skinned and like we 437 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:31,720 got cool and it was never anything against any of them. 438 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,800 Like I never sought to make them dark skinned or make them not 439 00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:37,160 what they were. I wanted to understand them. 440 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:40,280 And that's been my relationship with jealousy. 441 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:42,320 But I understand everybody ain't got that path. 442 00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:45,360 Everybody ain't got that playing sports, right? 443 00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:47,120 Like, different people in different positions. 444 00:27:47,120 --> 00:27:49,480 Just, man, I'm jealous of how good you are. 445 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:53,920 Let me get better. I'm jealous of you for starting. 446 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:56,360 Let me get better so I can start. 447 00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:04,680 Jealousy for me has always been a notification bell. 448 00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,360 Dean. All right, You know, this 449 00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:09,640 person's good at something. What can I learn from them? 450 00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:17,280 And it sparked my curiosity, but in relationships like, I guess I 451 00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:21,560 just thought that like, and this is some my own like naivete. 452 00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,960 I run a nonprofit called something positive for positive 453 00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:33,320 people. And this is the most negative 454 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:36,840 circumstance, at least that I know of that exists. 455 00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:39,880 Don't nobody want herpes. Don't nobody want to be here. 456 00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:45,440 But as I said before, right, Like we transmute trauma and 457 00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:54,360 herpes and stigma into healing. We transmute all that shit into 458 00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:58,560 healing. Anything that comes your way 459 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:01,320 negatively, right? Like negative. 460 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:04,800 Negative ain't bad. I don't know where that shit 461 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:09,080 started from. Negative is means absent, 462 00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:12,320 positive means present. There's a presence. 463 00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:20,080 And when we get to the point of like good and evil, no, it's 464 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:23,920 useful. And then it's maybe useful. 465 00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:28,560 It's just by default not useful because it has an absent charge. 466 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:31,680 But what happens when you give presents to that, which is, 467 00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:36,040 excuse me, what happens when you give presents and attention to 468 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:40,720 that, which is use? I don't want to call it useless, 469 00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:43,840 but like, it's infinite potential. 470 00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:45,720 Negativity is infinite potential. 471 00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:51,800 You can, you can flip a negative into any fucking thing you want. 472 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:55,320 I managed to flip someone literally telling me, Courtney, 473 00:29:55,320 --> 00:29:59,960 you are, I'm jealous of you. Somebody told me that and then 474 00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:02,880 told me why. And I was able to be like, oh, 475 00:30:02,880 --> 00:30:04,680 great. So you're inspired and you're 476 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:06,240 going to do, you're going to do better. 477 00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:08,720 You're going to find what it is that you want to be doing for 478 00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:13,320 yourself. Nope. 479 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:18,200 So I was reminded that some a a friend of mine, she sent me a 480 00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:21,920 selfie from that that time. And I remember going, Oh, I 481 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:26,640 remember this day because we had a massive fall, like publicly 482 00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:31,520 massive falling out. Man, that, that shit was wild. 483 00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:38,480 And yeah, I, I just, I'm glad that I can laugh about it now 484 00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:40,560 because at the time I was furious, man. 485 00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:41,960 I was sad. I cried. 486 00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:44,480 I still got the voice recording. I left myself to make sure I 487 00:30:44,480 --> 00:30:46,000 ain't go back to that relationship. 488 00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:48,560 I had the voice recording. I recorded. 489 00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:50,640 I was like, all right, here's what just happened. 490 00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:56,080 I will never forget this. And she did my ass dirty. 491 00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:03,720 And then the next day I moved to Portland, OR and my life just 492 00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:08,600 just changed. And I just, I noticed like 493 00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,920 patterns there. There's been patterns for me in 494 00:31:13,920 --> 00:31:18,560 those relationships that, you know, I wanted to, I wanted to 495 00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:21,840 make this podcast episode, you know, focus of dealing with 496 00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:26,640 rejection. And I think that that particular 497 00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:35,320 story of jealousy specifically is important because that is, to 498 00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:38,240 me at least, a form of rejection in my experience. 499 00:31:38,240 --> 00:31:41,200 And I got to stop looking at shit from such a naive 500 00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:45,600 perspective. I will take whatever is given to 501 00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:50,360 me and make it useful and take the positive and then, you know, 502 00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:53,320 put the presence into the negativity of the infinite 503 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:55,720 potential to make it something positive. 504 00:31:57,840 --> 00:32:01,040 You can do that idealistically. You can do that with energy, 505 00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:04,040 like energy can't be created nor destroyed. 506 00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:10,080 But what happens is I believe that the quality of presence, 507 00:32:10,080 --> 00:32:14,840 the quality and the intensity of emotion that we give to a thing, 508 00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:18,880 our passion, right? What we pour into a thing makes 509 00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:24,280 it manifest and take form. That form that it takes then 510 00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:28,520 becomes a shell. It becomes a solidified, you 511 00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:32,720 know, a person in our life. It may become an activity, it 512 00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:35,160 might become a fucking business. It might become a something 513 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:38,000 positive for positive people. You know what this had to 514 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:40,200 become? This ain't just me, y'all. 515 00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:44,040 This ain't just me. This ain't just the energetic 516 00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:47,800 intensity and emotion from Courtney that made a whole 517 00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:51,560 fucking nonprofit organization and platform the podcast. 518 00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:54,680 Yes, I love getting to interview people. 519 00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:58,120 I love getting to talk to people of all different kinds of walks 520 00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:00,880 of life to learn from them. Like, all right, how have you 521 00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:03,160 navigated this? Because that gives me more 522 00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:07,720 perspective to draw from and more of the infinite potential 523 00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:13,400 for me to be able to put myself in in the shoes of another 524 00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:16,400 person and empathize and be able to pour myself into that. 525 00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:18,480 OK, what's the what's the good out of this? 526 00:33:19,400 --> 00:33:21,080 And this helps me with asking the questions. 527 00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:23,800 It helps me with listening. It helps me with being a great 528 00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:28,080 person for that, that I wouldn't need it when I was diagnosed 529 00:33:28,080 --> 00:33:29,920 with herpes. That's helpful. 530 00:33:32,640 --> 00:33:35,280 And that's my thing. That's my, I ain't going to say 531 00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:39,840 my superpower necessarily, but it it listening is a superpower. 532 00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:45,800 It's damn sure a gift, especially in a time where 533 00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:48,880 people's attention again, it's just so scattered and all over 534 00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:52,280 the place and people are disconnected from their nervous 535 00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:55,760 system. So when I think about being in a 536 00:33:55,760 --> 00:34:00,360 relationship with somebody who says I'm jealous of you, like 537 00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:04,040 she said it, but I look back, how many relationships have I 538 00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:08,199 been in where that may have been the case and they just didn't 539 00:34:08,199 --> 00:34:11,280 say it like that wasn't the language that was used. 540 00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:23,320 Courtney, I'm jealous of you. And it's not exclusively 541 00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:29,800 rejection or a fear of rejection or an avoidance of rejection. 542 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:32,480 It can be an obliviousness to rejection. 543 00:34:32,920 --> 00:34:40,000 It can be a self rejection. You can be so adamant about 544 00:34:40,679 --> 00:34:45,040 making a relationship work. You can be so adamant about 545 00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:49,159 making a job work. You can be so adamant about 546 00:34:49,520 --> 00:34:52,679 your, your place in a friend group or a community and making 547 00:34:52,679 --> 00:35:01,160 that work and just dismiss the rejections that are there 548 00:35:02,040 --> 00:35:05,120 because it'll happen again and again and again. 549 00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:08,680 And one of the things that I wrote down in my notes to talk 550 00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:15,600 about is like what you do being more important than who you are 551 00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:20,040 in some cases, like how identity politics play a role. 552 00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:22,920 Like I'll give this example. At the end of the day, I'm a 553 00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:26,400 black man and there's, there's a word for what black men are. 554 00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:29,360 And I've been in a lot of queer spaces. 555 00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:31,840 I've been in a lot of women dominated spaces. 556 00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:35,840 And over the years, like I've always been reminded in some 557 00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:40,600 form or fashion that I'm a man. You know, whether that be how 558 00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:51,560 people talk about men in these spaces, whether that be how I 559 00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:53,520 remember. I just remembered a thing. 560 00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:58,880 I was invited to something. It was, it was a handful of, I 561 00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:00,920 hate that I'm about to say this. It was a handful of lesbian 562 00:36:00,920 --> 00:36:04,520 women or queer women. And then it was me. 563 00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:06,720 And like, I had a friend there. I was like, hey, I don't know if 564 00:36:06,720 --> 00:36:08,760 I should go to this. She's like, no, what do you 565 00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:10,000 mean? Like it would really mean a lot 566 00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:12,800 to me if you would go. I was like, all right, that's my 567 00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:15,440 friend talking back. I go to this. 568 00:36:15,480 --> 00:36:18,520 And there were a series of events that happened while I was 569 00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:23,760 there that felt like rejections. But because I went and I knew I 570 00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:26,680 shouldn't have, this is another one of those signs where like my 571 00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:29,320 nervous system was like, Hey, you probably shouldn't do this. 572 00:36:29,720 --> 00:36:32,200 And I didn't listen. I I should have trusted it and 573 00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:35,920 dealt with the consequences of not going there because now, 574 00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:37,960 like I don't have that friend anymore. 575 00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:41,720 But going to this thing there was, you know, the one thing 576 00:36:41,720 --> 00:36:43,960 that I would say that happened was, you know, I'm, I'm giving 577 00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:46,960 to the group as best I can, playing the games. 578 00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:51,960 I'm, you know, buying the foods on my card and like trusting 579 00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:54,840 that people don't give me the money back, making things easy. 580 00:36:55,240 --> 00:36:59,320 And I remember, you know, one of the nights there, I went out. 581 00:36:59,320 --> 00:37:00,920 I was like, hey, anybody wanna go to the hot tub? 582 00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:02,960 Anybody go to the hot tub? I go to the hot tub. 583 00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:06,240 I'm in the hot tub for a solid 45 minutes to an hour. 584 00:37:06,760 --> 00:37:09,800 I get out, I hop in the shower, I'm done showering. 585 00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:12,400 I'm drying off. And I hear a lot of giggling and 586 00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:14,560 stuff from the hot tub. I look outside and everybody's 587 00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:21,280 in the hot tub. And I was just like, wow, that's 588 00:37:21,280 --> 00:37:24,360 interesting. And so I just was like, you know 589 00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:25,760 what, fuck this, I'm going to go to sleep. 590 00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:28,480 And was like, maybe it's just a coincidence, right? 591 00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:30,680 You try and take the positive out of things. 592 00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:33,760 But what, what, what positive is it in that? 593 00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:41,200 Like, here's what happened. I invited everybody, Hey, I'm 594 00:37:41,200 --> 00:37:43,040 going to the hot tub. I go to the hot tub. 595 00:37:43,120 --> 00:37:45,120 I'm in there for 45 minutes to an hour. 596 00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:49,400 I leave, I start showering as I'm drying off, everybody's in 597 00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:53,080 the hot tub. And that, that, that sums up 598 00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:57,280 like how the weekend went. And I shouldn't have been there. 599 00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:01,080 And I think, you know, the body keeps the score, right? 600 00:38:01,080 --> 00:38:03,120 It ain't just the body, it's the nervous system. 601 00:38:03,720 --> 00:38:06,560 You know, the body will, you know, get to a point where 602 00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:12,040 sometimes the body be too late. The body might be too late. 603 00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:17,000 And the nervous system can only, you know, communicate so much. 604 00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:20,160 It's a whisper. If you ain't in tune with it, if 605 00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:23,000 you ain't connected to it, you going to miss shit? 606 00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:31,280 And you know my my ex telling me, hey Courtney, I'm jealous of 607 00:38:31,280 --> 00:38:36,200 you. That ain't the only form of 608 00:38:36,200 --> 00:38:41,040 rejection that came, I'm sure. Like looking back, there were 609 00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:47,720 many points where it was almost like I can't be as good as you 610 00:38:48,240 --> 00:38:51,000 so I need to make you worse than me. 611 00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:56,120 And I never looked at jealousy like that. 612 00:38:57,960 --> 00:39:01,240 And I know we got different words, jealousy and envy, right? 613 00:39:01,240 --> 00:39:06,000 But the words, the words are the words I'm just describing like 614 00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:10,000 the, the, the actions and everything that's behind it. 615 00:39:10,920 --> 00:39:13,200 And these were the words that were given to me. 616 00:39:13,200 --> 00:39:15,320 And then even in my most recent relationship, right? 617 00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:19,400 Like this, this person told me I struggle with jealousy. 618 00:39:20,440 --> 00:39:27,560 And while it was never overtly said like I was in hindsight now 619 00:39:27,680 --> 00:39:31,440 right here, like I again, I've been in therapy sometimes twice 620 00:39:31,440 --> 00:39:33,400 a week talking about these things. 621 00:39:33,400 --> 00:39:36,360 And the only people who ever know everything that happened in 622 00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:39,600 their relationship are my therapist and then one of my 623 00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:41,920 good friends who he was happening to go through 624 00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:44,120 something similar. Just because I don't want, I 625 00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:49,040 don't want to, you know, talk bad about nobody, even if that 626 00:39:49,040 --> 00:39:52,600 means that like whatever's been said about me has had the 627 00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:55,040 impacts that it's had. Because like I said before, 628 00:39:55,040 --> 00:39:57,040 people have noticeably treated me differently. 629 00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:01,240 And all I can do is just look at, I look at the information 630 00:40:01,240 --> 00:40:04,440 that I got. I can't sit here and be naive to 631 00:40:04,440 --> 00:40:11,800 the fact that, you know, I just because I respect or have 632 00:40:11,800 --> 00:40:16,040 respect and reverence for, you know, people and what they got 633 00:40:16,040 --> 00:40:18,480 going on, that don't mean the same thing for me. 634 00:40:20,240 --> 00:40:24,920 And people that you know, I thought were friends, they might 635 00:40:24,920 --> 00:40:27,440 not they, they everybody ain't my friend. 636 00:40:29,880 --> 00:40:36,880 And I had to learn that and listening to the nervous system 637 00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:42,320 and I had to learn that every time I don't listen to my 638 00:40:42,320 --> 00:40:45,120 nervous system, I'm rejecting myself. 639 00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:52,280 And I'm, I'm, I'm happy. I'm, I'm feeling good. 640 00:40:52,280 --> 00:40:56,120 Like regardless of how I sound like it's about to be 6:00 AM or 641 00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:59,400 a little bit after 6:00 AM right now and I got my little sleepy 642 00:40:59,400 --> 00:41:02,600 voice on and whatnot, but I'm, I'm actually happy. 643 00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:08,600 And it feels so fucking uncomfortable for me to be happy 644 00:41:08,600 --> 00:41:16,840 because it feels so lonely and isolating because everybody 645 00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:23,480 ain't happy. And we live in a time where it 646 00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:26,160 it's so easy to find shit to be pissed off about. 647 00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:32,560 It's so easy to give your joy away and subscribe to things 648 00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:35,160 that don't bring you joy. I went to a Brandon Kyle 649 00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:41,440 Goodman's whole church whole spell HEAUX with a friend of 650 00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:45,680 mine and well shit I guess at the time 2 friends of mine. 651 00:41:46,640 --> 00:41:53,160 And it was at this whole church where I got to say something out 652 00:41:53,160 --> 00:41:55,640 loud for the first time in a room full of people that I ain't 653 00:41:55,640 --> 00:42:00,800 never said before. So Brandon Kyle Goodman is I 654 00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:06,840 guess sex educator and they're non binary and black and it 655 00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:09,120 looked like me look like a black man. 656 00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:19,560 And the exercise that they did was they had everybody or they 657 00:42:19,560 --> 00:42:22,520 offered the opportunity for people to raise their hand and 658 00:42:22,520 --> 00:42:26,520 just say out loud something that they're, they've experienced 659 00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:31,920 shame with. And the reoccurring thing for me 660 00:42:31,920 --> 00:42:40,680 is experiencing shame around how happy I am, my happiness, my joy 661 00:42:40,680 --> 00:42:54,040 in life because everybody ain't. And I'm around a lot of negative 662 00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:58,360 people, but negative isn't bad. Negative just means infinite 663 00:42:58,360 --> 00:43:04,000 potential. And you can't, you can't pull 664 00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:07,480 potential out of people. It's just something that you got 665 00:43:07,480 --> 00:43:09,520 to be yourself and inspire from people. 666 00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:12,520 And then that inspiration, while my intention might be 667 00:43:12,520 --> 00:43:16,480 inspiration, what somebody else can be receiving might be 668 00:43:16,480 --> 00:43:19,240 jealousy. It can't can it can trigger 669 00:43:19,240 --> 00:43:21,320 them. My happiness shouldn't trigger 670 00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:26,800 anybody. And I think it did several 671 00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:29,960 times. And when that happens, what do I 672 00:43:29,960 --> 00:43:31,880 do? Damn the light? 673 00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:37,040 Try and make the other person happy, therefore making myself 674 00:43:37,040 --> 00:43:43,760 miserable and therefore showing them how unhappy they are and 675 00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:47,800 making them more miserable. And then we in this like misery 676 00:43:47,800 --> 00:43:52,920 cycle. But I will say, man, being in 677 00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:57,440 yoga therapy training, being involved in some type of a 678 00:43:57,440 --> 00:44:00,320 consistent yoga practice and learning. 679 00:44:00,600 --> 00:44:04,280 Shout out the yoga buzz. Shout out to all my teachers 680 00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:07,040 that I've had. Shout out the Inner Peace yoga 681 00:44:07,040 --> 00:44:12,080 therapy because I think that these things kept me, kept 682 00:44:12,080 --> 00:44:17,040 reminding me, kept reminding me. Stop, be still, breathe, check 683 00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:20,840 in with your nervous system, move your body, observe your 684 00:44:20,840 --> 00:44:27,240 thoughts, meditate. And it was all of these that 685 00:44:27,320 --> 00:44:30,160 allow for me to catch the baseline of where my stress is. 686 00:44:30,160 --> 00:44:33,240 And I'm a happy person. I am a positive person. 687 00:44:33,240 --> 00:44:35,200 I am a present person. I got to practice this shit 688 00:44:35,200 --> 00:44:41,360 every day of my life because that's a choice. 689 00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:43,360 I choose to. I choose to be present. 690 00:44:45,080 --> 00:44:48,600 I choose to stay positive. I choose to take the negative 691 00:44:48,600 --> 00:44:51,960 and not disregarded or be like, Oh no, I know, ain't no place 692 00:44:51,960 --> 00:44:56,080 for this. I choose to give presents to it 693 00:44:56,400 --> 00:45:04,480 and interrogate it with curiosity and kindness, even at 694 00:45:04,480 --> 00:45:08,000 the expense of rejecting myself. But when I recognize that that's 695 00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:12,760 what was happening, can't get so sucked into it, I got to 696 00:45:12,760 --> 00:45:15,480 remember my happiness. The same thing that brings 697 00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:19,000 people in, it makes people want to be here and it makes people, 698 00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:21,600 you know, want to be in the space should never be. 699 00:45:21,600 --> 00:45:26,480 The same thing that makes people, you know, jealous or 700 00:45:26,800 --> 00:45:31,960 envious or or hateful in a way that it's like I need to make 701 00:45:31,960 --> 00:45:36,880 you worse 'cause that's what jealousy does. 702 00:45:41,360 --> 00:45:46,000 But also what jealousy was for me was inspiring. 703 00:45:48,280 --> 00:45:53,640 I ain't never tore nobody down. And you know, you got to ask 704 00:45:53,640 --> 00:45:58,280 yourself. Because our inner world is the 705 00:45:58,280 --> 00:46:02,880 projection, the projector for what's happening around us. 706 00:46:04,920 --> 00:46:08,000 So I look at, you know, applying for grant applications and how 707 00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:10,520 often I get rejected. I, I ain't got a grant yet. 708 00:46:11,080 --> 00:46:13,920 The, the first thing I moved out to Portland, OR for I thought 709 00:46:13,920 --> 00:46:15,480 was a grant that was a sponsorship. 710 00:46:15,480 --> 00:46:18,320 They liked what I was doing and they were able to just give me 711 00:46:18,320 --> 00:46:24,960 $10,000. The, the, the big donations that 712 00:46:24,960 --> 00:46:26,800 I got, I thought those were grants. 713 00:46:26,920 --> 00:46:31,040 Those just came from people, organizations that got money. 714 00:46:31,200 --> 00:46:32,880 These were just fat ass donations. 715 00:46:36,040 --> 00:46:40,240 That's crazy to think about. It's it's crazy to say out loud, 716 00:46:41,480 --> 00:46:45,480 but in eight years of running something positive for positive 717 00:46:45,480 --> 00:46:52,960 people, somehow, I don't know how, but it's just, I guess 718 00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:56,760 this, this trust. Maybe it's my naivete or maybe 719 00:46:56,760 --> 00:47:00,240 it's my consistently with consistency with turning 720 00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:03,640 negatives into positives. But along the way, like somehow 721 00:47:03,640 --> 00:47:07,560 we've been able to keep doing this shit somehow. 722 00:47:07,920 --> 00:47:10,440 You know, when I need podcast guests, they come out the blue. 723 00:47:10,880 --> 00:47:15,240 When I need something to talk about, I'm able to just turn 724 00:47:15,240 --> 00:47:17,560 this motherfucking mic on and I just start saying shit. 725 00:47:18,840 --> 00:47:23,480 And the however many y'all, I think the average is like 110 726 00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:28,560 people on Spotify per episode. However many y'all listening, if 727 00:47:28,560 --> 00:47:31,200 y'all come check in once and never heard back from y'all 728 00:47:31,200 --> 00:47:33,560 again, that means you getting what you need. 729 00:47:34,600 --> 00:47:36,960 For those who stick around, that mean you're getting what you 730 00:47:36,960 --> 00:47:40,000 need. I'm I'm done, I'm done rejecting 731 00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:42,040 myself. I'm done trying to control shit 732 00:47:42,800 --> 00:47:47,520 and I'm also done like welcoming in, you know, for too long. 733 00:47:47,520 --> 00:47:52,800 Like I everybody can come here, anybody can come in, anybody can 734 00:47:52,800 --> 00:47:56,720 come in. I'll talk to anybody, but 735 00:47:56,720 --> 00:48:01,000 everybody can't stay and then everybody can't stay. 736 00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:05,720 That's not me being mean, but like this is something I learned 737 00:48:05,720 --> 00:48:08,400 from my last relationship well after the breakup. 738 00:48:11,040 --> 00:48:14,720 Something I learned is like I am open about my life. 739 00:48:14,840 --> 00:48:19,800 I am vulnerable to somebody presenting themselves as 740 00:48:19,800 --> 00:48:23,560 perfectly aligned with me and then not being that. 741 00:48:23,640 --> 00:48:26,480 And I'm not an asshole for stepping away. 742 00:48:27,760 --> 00:48:32,280 I can't stay in relationships because, you know, if I need 743 00:48:32,280 --> 00:48:34,920 space and somebody has abandonment issues or ain't 744 00:48:34,920 --> 00:48:38,520 anxious and it's like I need, I need closeness when I need 745 00:48:38,520 --> 00:48:40,480 space. Like we got to prioritize what 746 00:48:40,480 --> 00:48:42,720 it is that we need. However, we need to get that. 747 00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:47,440 And that same thing goes for not just your romantic platonic 748 00:48:47,440 --> 00:48:49,760 relationships, but it also goes with things. 749 00:48:52,360 --> 00:48:57,600 You know, I maybe sometimes need space away from, well, I don't 750 00:48:57,600 --> 00:49:04,160 need no space away from my job. I need that money, but I had to 751 00:49:04,160 --> 00:49:06,880 take space away from grant applications and decided like, 752 00:49:06,880 --> 00:49:10,040 that's not what I'm doing. Even Instagram social media, 753 00:49:10,040 --> 00:49:13,960 like trying to make content that people will see related to 754 00:49:13,960 --> 00:49:16,480 herpes education, that shit was draining. 755 00:49:17,720 --> 00:49:22,880 I never knew how draining that was for me until I started to 756 00:49:22,880 --> 00:49:27,640 invest the money, energy, attention, and time that I would 757 00:49:27,640 --> 00:49:34,000 normally put into Instagram, and I put that into the website. 758 00:49:36,880 --> 00:49:39,400 I invested. I invested in something that I 759 00:49:39,400 --> 00:49:41,560 believed in. And going back to the thing 760 00:49:41,560 --> 00:49:44,560 about energy, right, what they say in Full Metal Alchemist, 761 00:49:45,520 --> 00:49:48,040 they speak about the law of equivalent exchange. 762 00:49:48,880 --> 00:49:53,960 For anything to be obtained, something of equal or greater 763 00:49:53,960 --> 00:50:01,760 value has to be exchanged. You got to give up something and 764 00:50:01,760 --> 00:50:06,160 life, man, this is just a whole thing of catch and or attach and 765 00:50:06,160 --> 00:50:08,560 release. Attach and release because what 766 00:50:08,560 --> 00:50:13,240 we energetically pour into takes form and we form an attachment 767 00:50:13,240 --> 00:50:17,960 to it and we got to release that shit like I the day that 768 00:50:17,960 --> 00:50:21,200 something positive for positive people is no longer needed for 769 00:50:21,200 --> 00:50:23,720 what I've invested into this mother fucker over the last 770 00:50:23,720 --> 00:50:28,040 eight years. Whatever the energy build up 771 00:50:28,160 --> 00:50:33,480 that releases from me releasing my attachment and the format 772 00:50:33,480 --> 00:50:35,880 this is in, whatever that ends up looking like. 773 00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:37,400 Let's say they cure herpes tomorrow. 774 00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:41,880 I can't wait to see what I make out of this because I got so 775 00:50:41,880 --> 00:50:45,040 much faith in it. There's so much faith, and the 776 00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:48,840 intensity of emotion that is invested in it is the same thing 777 00:50:48,840 --> 00:50:55,760 with my last relationship. I poured everything I had into 778 00:50:55,760 --> 00:51:00,520 that relationship and it took form. 779 00:51:01,400 --> 00:51:07,840 It took form, you know, and somebody that was going to give 780 00:51:07,840 --> 00:51:13,880 me everything that I wanted. And then that relationship ended 781 00:51:14,080 --> 00:51:16,920 and the form wasn't there anymore. 782 00:51:17,000 --> 00:51:23,800 Like her body, her mind, her energy, her spirit, like that's, 783 00:51:23,800 --> 00:51:28,560 that's removed from my orbit. But that energy isn't. 784 00:51:29,320 --> 00:51:30,560 Yeah, she ain't take that with her. 785 00:51:30,680 --> 00:51:35,760 That's mine, you know, and I don't even like to call it mine, 786 00:51:35,760 --> 00:51:40,080 but it's been stored. The investment there when it 787 00:51:40,080 --> 00:51:44,880 freed up, right. Like I got, I got like 18 grand 788 00:51:45,120 --> 00:51:50,400 from losing my apartment in the tornado. 789 00:51:51,800 --> 00:51:54,480 And I think that, you know, it might have been about that for 790 00:51:54,480 --> 00:51:58,080 my whole moving to New Jersey, moving away from New Jersey, 791 00:51:58,080 --> 00:51:59,800 moving while I was in New Jersey. 792 00:52:01,200 --> 00:52:08,280 You know, when that, when, when that form released, what came 793 00:52:08,280 --> 00:52:12,160 from the form was still there and they needed to go somewhere 794 00:52:12,160 --> 00:52:16,560 else. So there was the money, you 795 00:52:16,560 --> 00:52:20,080 know, the, the move across the country. 796 00:52:21,000 --> 00:52:23,000 I was like, all right, Courtney, now you can move to New York. 797 00:52:23,000 --> 00:52:27,080 You can move to Brooklyn now. And now you can you, you can 798 00:52:27,240 --> 00:52:32,760 have your identity as a polyamorous black man, a little 799 00:52:32,760 --> 00:52:36,320 too polyamorous black man. I don't know that this would 800 00:52:36,320 --> 00:52:38,640 have been available to me sooner. 801 00:52:44,800 --> 00:52:47,840 Now you can do the work that you're supposed to do. 802 00:52:47,840 --> 00:52:50,200 Now you can focus on your yoga therapy training. 803 00:52:50,720 --> 00:52:54,840 Now you got the attention, now you can focus on your own 804 00:52:54,840 --> 00:52:58,720 emotions and how you feel to get to your baseline because you 805 00:52:58,720 --> 00:53:00,800 tried for so long to do that for somebody else. 806 00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:11,680 And the the shell that I was able to feel that energy with 807 00:53:12,040 --> 00:53:14,520 because we're just moving. It can't be created nor 808 00:53:14,520 --> 00:53:18,520 destroyed. But what we give value to, like 809 00:53:18,520 --> 00:53:23,320 the value that we give to someone, something is a direct 810 00:53:23,320 --> 00:53:25,560 response to our emotions, whether those emotions are 811 00:53:25,560 --> 00:53:27,760 positive or negative. It's our presence. 812 00:53:27,760 --> 00:53:29,600 How much presence do we give to a thing? 813 00:53:31,600 --> 00:53:34,600 Avoidance is also presence. Because think about it like how 814 00:53:34,600 --> 00:53:38,480 often we avoid death and we avoid people. 815 00:53:38,480 --> 00:53:41,920 We avoid discomfort. But yeah, we still see that 816 00:53:41,920 --> 00:53:44,440 shit. But what happens when we 817 00:53:44,440 --> 00:53:49,040 release, when we remove the shell of that which we've poured 818 00:53:49,360 --> 00:53:53,440 the emotion of fear into what they saying out waiting the 819 00:53:53,440 --> 00:53:56,240 devil? He said if people only knew that 820 00:53:56,240 --> 00:54:03,320 that which they feared if converted to shit. 821 00:54:03,320 --> 00:54:07,440 What did he say if if what we were afraid of if we began to 822 00:54:07,440 --> 00:54:10,880 like. Here's my analogy. 823 00:54:10,880 --> 00:54:13,600 I don't know exactly what he said, but you know, when you get 824 00:54:13,600 --> 00:54:17,040 excited about something, that feeling in your gut, or, you 825 00:54:17,040 --> 00:54:19,080 know, when you're scared shitless or something, that 826 00:54:19,080 --> 00:54:21,040 feeling in your gut is the same feeling. 827 00:54:21,400 --> 00:54:26,680 We assign a narrative to it. We give it a story. 828 00:54:28,240 --> 00:54:32,040 And when we are afraid of something, that's just that 829 00:54:32,040 --> 00:54:35,720 excitement bubbling up. What if we were like, huh, you 830 00:54:35,720 --> 00:54:37,440 know, it's kind of a being afraid of this. 831 00:54:37,440 --> 00:54:39,680 Here's how. Here's the story I'm gonna tell. 832 00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:43,440 No, it's shit to be afraid of. Don't get me wrong, you won't 833 00:54:43,440 --> 00:54:46,520 see me fucking around with no, no poisonous snakes and holding 834 00:54:46,520 --> 00:54:47,920 them and playing with them and shit. 835 00:54:48,400 --> 00:54:51,360 You will not see me do that. That is a healthy fear. 836 00:54:52,600 --> 00:54:59,920 But the fear of being alone, like I, I've embraced that. 837 00:54:59,920 --> 00:55:02,160 Like I'm happy. And if I'm going to be alone 838 00:55:02,160 --> 00:55:06,160 because I'm happy, because other people don't like my happiness 839 00:55:07,880 --> 00:55:12,440 or are triggered by it, then I'll be alone. 840 00:55:13,080 --> 00:55:14,640 Like that don't scare me anymore. 841 00:55:15,560 --> 00:55:18,880 And ever since releasing that, like, it's like I removed the 842 00:55:19,240 --> 00:55:22,400 the cap. The cap just removed itself 843 00:55:22,400 --> 00:55:24,320 because I wasn't subscribing to that belief. 844 00:55:24,600 --> 00:55:28,600 I don't have an identity around a fearful person of being alone. 845 00:55:29,240 --> 00:55:38,520 Now that energy's freed up to make sure I'm not alone in any 846 00:55:38,520 --> 00:55:43,400 way. But that shit can't be there if 847 00:55:43,400 --> 00:55:49,920 I keep rejecting myself. It can't be there if I reject 848 00:55:49,920 --> 00:55:52,320 who I really AM. And that's where, you know, 849 00:55:52,320 --> 00:55:55,120 identity comes in. I mentioned earlier, you know, 850 00:55:55,120 --> 00:55:58,680 at what point does identity politics play a role in things? 851 00:55:58,680 --> 00:56:02,160 At the end of the day, like I am, I'm a black man. 852 00:56:02,360 --> 00:56:06,040 I'm not queer. And I've been in a lot of spaces 853 00:56:06,040 --> 00:56:09,000 where it ain't men or a lot of men. 854 00:56:09,160 --> 00:56:13,640 And the men that are there might be trans men or they're queer 855 00:56:13,640 --> 00:56:17,160 men or gay men. And it just ain't been no place 856 00:56:17,160 --> 00:56:19,840 for me there. And the more that I've shown up 857 00:56:19,840 --> 00:56:25,000 into those spaces, the more I've been rejecting my identity 858 00:56:25,000 --> 00:56:28,560 myself, right? Like there's something to learn 859 00:56:28,560 --> 00:56:30,160 from it. But like I've, I've gone into 860 00:56:30,160 --> 00:56:34,200 these spaces and I've tried to do, I tried to do, I tried to 861 00:56:34,640 --> 00:56:41,640 perform my way into acceptance and who I am and that don't take 862 00:56:41,640 --> 00:56:46,920 precedence my intentions, my values, my consistency, those 863 00:56:46,920 --> 00:56:50,000 intangible things don't mean shit in identity politics. 864 00:56:53,120 --> 00:56:59,920 And so like me doing I, I got to release that form. 865 00:57:00,400 --> 00:57:03,600 I got to release that I've invested to me. 866 00:57:03,600 --> 00:57:07,160 I've invested a lot into these spaces and now I got to free 867 00:57:07,160 --> 00:57:10,080 that up for whatever the next thing is. 868 00:57:12,840 --> 00:57:14,720 Same way I had to release that friendship. 869 00:57:14,960 --> 00:57:17,320 I poured a lot into that friendship that I had until that 870 00:57:17,320 --> 00:57:20,160 weekend at the cabin or whatever the fuck it was. 871 00:57:20,440 --> 00:57:21,400 The cabin. Yeah. 872 00:57:22,600 --> 00:57:29,600 And since releasing that, I mean, the attachment to Portland 873 00:57:29,600 --> 00:57:32,360 was gone and I was able to leave. 874 00:57:33,200 --> 00:57:38,400 I was able to pour into, you know, what I thought was going 875 00:57:38,400 --> 00:57:40,920 to be the rest of my life. And when you pour into 876 00:57:40,920 --> 00:57:43,200 something, you create an identity that you really think 877 00:57:43,200 --> 00:57:45,440 man, like it's going to be the rest of my life. 878 00:57:45,920 --> 00:57:51,480 That was a big ass energy charge that the process of letting go 879 00:57:51,480 --> 00:57:55,840 has been a bitch. It hurt, but I did it. 880 00:57:57,960 --> 00:58:01,600 And the rejection that comes from the self rejection that 881 00:58:01,600 --> 00:58:05,880 comes from attachment, it can't nobody make me feel the way that 882 00:58:05,880 --> 00:58:10,320 I made myself feel ever. I don't give a fuck who you are. 883 00:58:11,320 --> 00:58:18,400 Your rejection of me, it ain't got shit on what I've been 884 00:58:18,720 --> 00:58:21,560 experienced for myself. Rejecting myself, staying in and 885 00:58:21,560 --> 00:58:24,600 attaching to things that need to to have been long before 886 00:58:24,600 --> 00:58:28,800 released and maybe they hit they peak and stagnants is something 887 00:58:28,800 --> 00:58:31,800 that I recognize. It's like feels like death to 888 00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:33,720 me. What feels like death to you? 889 00:58:35,280 --> 00:58:37,800 Like, well, I don't believe that we actually like, we just die 890 00:58:37,800 --> 00:58:40,120 and we, you know, that that's it. 891 00:58:42,400 --> 00:58:46,920 Like these bodies are the manifestation of an attachment 892 00:58:47,200 --> 00:58:51,160 to practice, attachment and release or detachment, right? 893 00:58:51,160 --> 00:58:53,440 Attach, release, attach, release, attach, release. 894 00:58:53,440 --> 00:58:58,400 That's the rhythm of life. We breathe in, we breathe out. 895 00:58:59,200 --> 00:59:04,840 Attach release, attach release, attach release. 896 00:59:06,720 --> 00:59:09,560 And I believe that that's how we deal with rejection. 897 00:59:10,400 --> 00:59:11,760 Hey, damn, I'm getting to know this person. 898 00:59:11,760 --> 00:59:14,160 I'm going to pour some money, energy, attention and time into 899 00:59:14,160 --> 00:59:17,800 them, you know, and then we going to pour into that. 900 00:59:17,800 --> 00:59:20,040 We going to have attention, the attraction, right? 901 00:59:20,040 --> 00:59:21,840 We going to play with it. We got it. 902 00:59:22,200 --> 00:59:24,920 And this is probably why the attractive people are so 903 00:59:24,920 --> 00:59:29,640 attractive to us, because this is what they do, whether they 904 00:59:29,640 --> 00:59:31,800 know it or not, whether they name it or they don't, they 905 00:59:31,800 --> 00:59:34,240 listen to their nervous system. It's an attached release, 906 00:59:34,240 --> 00:59:44,320 attached release. I'm, I'm fucking proud of 907 00:59:44,320 --> 00:59:45,720 myself. I'm happy. 908 00:59:46,400 --> 00:59:49,840 They sound more like a self podcast than anything because 909 00:59:49,840 --> 00:59:52,880 it's so personal. But I, I'm, I'm learning, man. 910 00:59:52,880 --> 00:59:58,240 Like the more I just talk, see y'all, and not try and do this 911 00:59:58,240 --> 01:00:00,960 whole like, oh, let me maintain a level of professionalism. 912 01:00:01,280 --> 01:00:04,720 The more I do this, the more people open up to me faster, the 913 01:00:04,720 --> 01:00:07,080 more I'm able to get to the root of what their concerns are. 914 01:00:07,080 --> 01:00:11,800 The more that you know, yoga therapy is able to be a thing 915 01:00:11,800 --> 01:00:16,240 where we pull from the I pull from the person that I'm working 916 01:00:16,240 --> 01:00:20,760 with, what I need in order to make them a better client, in 917 01:00:20,760 --> 01:00:22,840 order to make me a better yoga therapist. 918 01:00:26,640 --> 01:00:32,920 And you know, I love this shit. And there's an ongoing grieving 919 01:00:32,920 --> 01:00:36,400 process of all of the things and the people that I've been 920 01:00:36,400 --> 01:00:39,920 attached to that I haven't been released fully. 921 01:00:40,760 --> 01:00:44,040 And it's a process you, you keep doing that and you connect to 922 01:00:44,040 --> 01:00:45,880 your nervous system. And there's always going to be 923 01:00:45,880 --> 01:00:50,520 more to let go of. David R Hawkins, he said, he 924 01:00:50,520 --> 01:00:55,520 said, damn, what did he say? Oh, the letting go book, the 925 01:00:55,520 --> 01:00:59,240 whole book letting go. There's always more to be let go 926 01:00:59,360 --> 01:01:01,240 of. And when things are good, that's 927 01:01:01,240 --> 01:01:02,720 when you want to keep surrendering. 928 01:01:02,920 --> 01:01:05,880 That's when you want to keep releasing that which you're 929 01:01:05,880 --> 01:01:09,520 attached to. And the release is releasing 930 01:01:09,520 --> 01:01:16,880 your your energetic monetary chronological. 931 01:01:17,040 --> 01:01:19,160 I don't, I don't know, like the word for time. 932 01:01:19,160 --> 01:01:20,720 I know time got a lot of different words. 933 01:01:20,720 --> 01:01:24,000 Kronos but your money, energy, attention and time. 934 01:01:24,000 --> 01:01:28,400 Shout out to coach Greg Adams. You know, when you allow for the 935 01:01:28,400 --> 01:01:31,240 attachments to to remove themselves because that's what 936 01:01:31,240 --> 01:01:32,920 they want to do. Everything's attaching and 937 01:01:32,920 --> 01:01:35,240 releasing. You look at atoms and how 938 01:01:35,240 --> 01:01:39,440 electrons they're they're rolling the atom, right? 939 01:01:39,440 --> 01:01:44,520 They pick up a charge, they hit the orbit as it aligns. 940 01:01:44,520 --> 01:01:47,600 And then they they go, they send a message like, hey, here's 941 01:01:47,600 --> 01:01:50,680 what's happening over here. There's something that is more 942 01:01:50,680 --> 01:01:54,000 aligned for what this atom is becoming than what I am. 943 01:01:54,640 --> 01:01:58,640 And it sends out the information for another electron to pick up 944 01:01:58,640 --> 01:02:00,440 and be like, oh, bad, I want to be here. 945 01:02:01,520 --> 01:02:04,360 And I see that. I couldn't see that before. 946 01:02:06,800 --> 01:02:08,200 And that's because I was holding on. 947 01:02:08,760 --> 01:02:15,040 I was attached not just to that relationship, but to my identity 948 01:02:15,120 --> 01:02:18,240 as who I was going to become as a father. 949 01:02:19,480 --> 01:02:22,280 The father that I would have been, the husband that I would 950 01:02:22,280 --> 01:02:27,240 have been, the nonprofit founder that I would have been, the the 951 01:02:27,760 --> 01:02:29,840 New Jersey resident that I would have been. 952 01:02:32,400 --> 01:02:33,840 And I apply that to everything else. 953 01:02:33,840 --> 01:02:37,600 Now, me making a decision to get out of that car when dude was 954 01:02:37,600 --> 01:02:42,680 swerving, me making a decision to leave the relationship. 955 01:02:42,680 --> 01:02:47,560 Well, leave the house because she broke up with me for me to 956 01:02:47,720 --> 01:02:53,680 leave the house, her place. I left her place when I did me 957 01:02:53,680 --> 01:02:59,960 moving my flight up and getting out of Saint Louis when I did me 958 01:02:59,960 --> 01:03:01,720 not getting on that plane yesterday. 959 01:03:03,960 --> 01:03:06,360 I'll be damned if I don't listen to myself again. 960 01:03:06,360 --> 01:03:08,560 I'll be damned if I reject myself again. 961 01:03:09,480 --> 01:03:13,920 Exiting space is that you know, it's been it's been nine months. 962 01:03:13,920 --> 01:03:19,600 It's been nine months since like I've had involvement with, you 963 01:03:19,600 --> 01:03:24,120 know, these spaces where we ain't got it going all of that 964 01:03:24,120 --> 01:03:27,520 too much. But I noticed that I've been 965 01:03:27,520 --> 01:03:30,720 treated differently. Like there's, I've been reminded 966 01:03:30,720 --> 01:03:34,200 I'm not a woman because in spaces where my ex and I shared, 967 01:03:34,800 --> 01:03:41,080 like I've clearly been kind of just elbowed out despite what 968 01:03:41,080 --> 01:03:45,840 I've done in the spaces or what I've contributed because I it's, 969 01:03:45,840 --> 01:03:49,240 it's who I am. The identity thing. 970 01:03:51,040 --> 01:03:54,120 Then that felt the same way as it did with the hot tub. 971 01:03:54,120 --> 01:03:56,360 It felt the same way as when I worked for white people in 972 01:03:56,360 --> 01:04:01,600 corporate America. At the end of the day, you still 973 01:04:04,520 --> 01:04:12,360 you still a black man and I will never stop believing it at the 974 01:04:12,360 --> 01:04:14,920 nature of a thing is more important than the form of a 975 01:04:14,920 --> 01:04:17,600 thing. And that's where this attached 976 01:04:17,600 --> 01:04:23,520 release concept like really thrives because the nature is 977 01:04:23,520 --> 01:04:29,680 what we pour into it. We nurture our nature and the 978 01:04:29,680 --> 01:04:32,640 universe does that. The universe nurtures our nature 979 01:04:32,640 --> 01:04:35,760 and we should always be becoming whatever it is that we're 980 01:04:35,760 --> 01:04:42,000 becoming and we will be given or that in which we pour into the 981 01:04:42,000 --> 01:04:45,240 world energetically, emotionally, what we give 982 01:04:45,240 --> 01:04:48,400 attention and presence and awareness to will always take 983 01:04:48,400 --> 01:04:51,760 form and it will always align to where we are in that moment. 984 01:04:54,000 --> 01:04:57,360 And all we got to do is attach, release, attach, release, 985 01:04:57,440 --> 01:05:00,800 attach, release. Even in a relationship with one 986 01:05:00,800 --> 01:05:03,400 person, like you're not the same person the entirety of the 987 01:05:03,400 --> 01:05:06,840 relationship y'all are molding one another. 988 01:05:06,840 --> 01:05:10,040 You're nurturing each other's, you're nurturing each other's 989 01:05:10,040 --> 01:05:13,440 nature. Something positive for positive 990 01:05:13,440 --> 01:05:16,600 people. It's nurturing my nature as 991 01:05:16,720 --> 01:05:20,120 somebody who's curious, creative, who values connection, 992 01:05:20,400 --> 01:05:24,600 community, choice. It's a 6th to see. 993 01:05:24,600 --> 01:05:26,280 I forgot what it was. Consistency. 994 01:05:29,000 --> 01:05:31,680 This is a space where those intangible aspects of my being, 995 01:05:31,680 --> 01:05:35,480 my identity, are validated and being shaped and molded into 996 01:05:35,480 --> 01:05:39,680 whatever the fuck it is that is going to come from this. 997 01:05:40,120 --> 01:05:41,920 I'm being shown that I'm seeing it. 998 01:05:43,600 --> 01:05:45,840 I love this. I love that I get to do this. 999 01:05:45,840 --> 01:05:49,760 I'm happy as fuck. And it was in that room, 1000 01:05:50,120 --> 01:05:52,840 Brandon, Cal Goodman, where I was able to say, you know, I got 1001 01:05:52,840 --> 01:05:58,600 shame around that. And so now there's another 1002 01:05:58,600 --> 01:06:02,120 release of energy that I was attached to. 1003 01:06:02,120 --> 01:06:05,160 I was attached to my identity as somebody being overly humble, 1004 01:06:05,560 --> 01:06:08,960 being somebody who who's sad, who's not living life feels bad 1005 01:06:08,960 --> 01:06:11,000 because, oh, you know, what are some people who can't? 1006 01:06:12,240 --> 01:06:15,800 We need this. I need your joy. 1007 01:06:15,800 --> 01:06:18,200 I need your happiness. I need your pleasure. 1008 01:06:18,200 --> 01:06:21,280 I need for you to shine that light. 1009 01:06:21,480 --> 01:06:26,000 Don't fucking damn it, because when you shine, other people 1010 01:06:26,320 --> 01:06:29,360 might get jealous, but they might get jealous the way I get 1011 01:06:29,360 --> 01:06:32,200 jealous. And what I mean by that is 1012 01:06:32,200 --> 01:06:37,200 inspired. I mean that shit. 1013 01:06:38,920 --> 01:06:42,920 Don't let rejection make you shrivel up and shrink into a 1014 01:06:42,920 --> 01:06:47,360 fetal position and hide that big beautiful light of yours. 1015 01:06:48,160 --> 01:06:52,640 Be inspiring. Be inspired, let mother fuckers 1016 01:06:52,640 --> 01:06:54,800 be jealous of you. That's theirs to deal with. 1017 01:06:57,200 --> 01:07:00,200 You ain't got to be, no, you ain't got to be any type of way. 1018 01:07:00,200 --> 01:07:03,560 You ain't got to make nobody worse than you in order for you 1019 01:07:03,560 --> 01:07:06,920 to feel better about yourself. And don't be in relationships 1020 01:07:06,920 --> 01:07:09,680 like that. I've done it plenty of times. 1021 01:07:10,360 --> 01:07:13,520 You know, I just only been in therapy really talking about it 1022 01:07:13,520 --> 01:07:15,960 because I know that if I was taught, if I was in therapy 1023 01:07:15,960 --> 01:07:18,320 while I was in any of these relationships, it wouldn't have 1024 01:07:18,320 --> 01:07:21,240 worked out. You get your ass out of that 1025 01:07:21,240 --> 01:07:23,680 relationship. He wouldn't say that, but he'd 1026 01:07:23,680 --> 01:07:30,680 have made me say this one over. I ain't know what I was going. 1027 01:07:32,000 --> 01:07:34,960 I ain't know what I was going to be getting into. 1028 01:07:35,480 --> 01:07:37,640 But I wanted to just like speak to rejection. 1029 01:07:37,640 --> 01:07:40,920 And I think that self rejection was probably the biggest piece 1030 01:07:40,920 --> 01:07:45,640 of this because that's really what it is When you're not in 1031 01:07:45,640 --> 01:07:49,240 your rhythm, when you're not practicing attach, release, 1032 01:07:49,240 --> 01:07:53,400 attach, release, you holding on, you're developing an identity 1033 01:07:53,800 --> 01:07:57,600 and that identity that you develop that aligns with or that 1034 01:07:57,680 --> 01:08:00,440 you know, it's holding on to something that needs to be 1035 01:08:00,440 --> 01:08:03,680 released is keeping you from yourself. 1036 01:08:03,680 --> 01:08:06,520 You're outside yourself like you that that's one of the masks 1037 01:08:06,520 --> 01:08:08,360 that you put on. And you maybe just keep that 1038 01:08:08,360 --> 01:08:12,600 mask on a little bit too long. Go watch the movie The Mask and 1039 01:08:12,600 --> 01:08:16,080 you'll see that that identity he becomes when he put that mask on 1040 01:08:16,080 --> 01:08:19,680 and become a different person, like he likes that. 1041 01:08:19,680 --> 01:08:22,000 But you know when you take the mask off, that's still who you 1042 01:08:22,000 --> 01:08:24,240 are. But recognize that the mask is 1043 01:08:24,240 --> 01:08:27,520 there for you to be able to put on, but also for you to be able 1044 01:08:27,520 --> 01:08:33,399 to take off these identities that form that take form because 1045 01:08:33,399 --> 01:08:36,840 of our energetic investment. Even my identity as a now 1046 01:08:36,840 --> 01:08:41,120 polyamorous person, I know that there's an attachment there. 1047 01:08:41,120 --> 01:08:44,240 And I know that that's something that, you know, it's constantly 1048 01:08:44,399 --> 01:08:46,880 having to be let go of and released. 1049 01:08:48,040 --> 01:08:51,520 Like I don't have to prove to nobody or perform my, my 1050 01:08:51,520 --> 01:08:56,279 polyamory. You know, there might be times 1051 01:08:56,279 --> 01:09:00,240 when I'm not seeing all of my partners, You know, even just 1052 01:09:00,240 --> 01:09:02,520 like this past weekend, I was supposed to see some partners 1053 01:09:03,600 --> 01:09:06,680 even when I was traveling. And now, like I'm not. 1054 01:09:06,880 --> 01:09:09,439 And if I were attached to my daddy as a polyamorous person, I 1055 01:09:09,439 --> 01:09:11,279 might have went against my nervous system and tried to 1056 01:09:11,279 --> 01:09:14,840 force some shit and created pressure that would have, you 1057 01:09:14,840 --> 01:09:23,479 know, and felt like rejecting to myself or even my yeah, that 1058 01:09:23,479 --> 01:09:24,960 would have felt rejected to myself. 1059 01:09:25,319 --> 01:09:29,359 Or even now, like getting off that plane and not traveling, 1060 01:09:29,720 --> 01:09:35,520 being able to go home. I am I really polyamorous? 1061 01:09:36,800 --> 01:09:38,399 Well I'm not. I'm not seeing all of my 1062 01:09:38,399 --> 01:09:40,000 partners right now and I should have. 1063 01:09:40,720 --> 01:09:43,800 I'm not making enough money to be able to just hop on the next 1064 01:09:43,800 --> 01:09:47,240 flight for however much money more to be able to see them. 1065 01:09:47,279 --> 01:09:57,760 No, that ain't how I work. I think I gave a lot of fucking 1066 01:09:57,760 --> 01:10:00,680 gems when this episode and also I feel like more comfortable 1067 01:10:00,680 --> 01:10:03,040 talking about my personal experiences again. 1068 01:10:03,880 --> 01:10:07,040 So I I look forward to, you know, being able to do more of 1069 01:10:07,040 --> 01:10:10,600 that and being able to like speak as freely as I once did 1070 01:10:10,600 --> 01:10:15,040 before, because now I do have a lot more clarity after my time 1071 01:10:15,040 --> 01:10:19,560 in therapy and then being in yoga therapy and like also 1072 01:10:19,560 --> 01:10:25,560 realizing like who I am and releasing that shame last 1073 01:10:25,560 --> 01:10:30,040 weekend about just being happy because that's what's been 1074 01:10:30,040 --> 01:10:32,360 holding me back. That's why I ain't been, you 1075 01:10:32,360 --> 01:10:36,400 know, as active personally on social media. 1076 01:10:36,400 --> 01:10:39,120 You've seen that I probably, if you followed me on social media, 1077 01:10:39,120 --> 01:10:42,920 Courtney Bram on Instagram, you'll see that like a lot of 1078 01:10:42,920 --> 01:10:45,640 the posts have been like re shares of other people's stuff. 1079 01:10:45,920 --> 01:10:49,040 It ain't been me talking about my life and how happy I am and 1080 01:10:49,040 --> 01:10:51,400 what I'm doing. Think the last big thing I did 1081 01:10:51,400 --> 01:10:55,400 was share that I'll be consuming BlackBerry smoothies, but I 1082 01:10:55,400 --> 01:10:58,240 don't move to New York. I don't lost 2025 lbs. 1083 01:11:00,120 --> 01:11:02,440 I am dating the way that I want to be dating. 1084 01:11:02,920 --> 01:11:04,800 I'm having the best sex in my life. 1085 01:11:04,880 --> 01:11:09,200 I have some very beautiful partners inside and out, and 1086 01:11:09,200 --> 01:11:11,920 they're inspiring. Ain't nobody jealous of me. 1087 01:11:12,880 --> 01:11:15,560 Ain't nobody saying it, ain't nobody showing it. 1088 01:11:15,880 --> 01:11:18,160 Everybody is just fucking supportive. 1089 01:11:18,600 --> 01:11:21,680 And I feel like that support behind me allows for me to 1090 01:11:21,680 --> 01:11:24,920 really be able to dive into and double down on what I'm doing. 1091 01:11:25,200 --> 01:11:26,840 Something positive for positive people. 1092 01:11:26,840 --> 01:11:29,560 If you've seen the newsletter for this past month, that 1093 01:11:29,560 --> 01:11:35,880 motherfucker got a 400% increase in donations and like 300 1094 01:11:35,880 --> 01:11:41,600 something percent increase in visibility because I have my 1095 01:11:41,600 --> 01:11:44,640 nature nurtured. And that's just like the, the 1096 01:11:44,640 --> 01:11:46,520 one tangible thing. I'm working. 1097 01:11:46,880 --> 01:11:50,800 I always say like if I work 2, if I work two days a month in my 1098 01:11:50,800 --> 01:11:54,360 other job, I can pay my rent. And that's really like the 1099 01:11:54,360 --> 01:11:56,040 baseline of what I've been trying to do. 1100 01:11:56,440 --> 01:12:03,200 I'm working, I'm working fuck ton like I'm I'm doing okay, I'm 1101 01:12:03,200 --> 01:12:06,440 doing okay and I'm able to do. I used to always say that I 1102 01:12:06,440 --> 01:12:09,240 wanted to be able to whenever somebody asked me for money, 1103 01:12:09,760 --> 01:12:12,440 like I wanted to make the time to get them food. 1104 01:12:12,680 --> 01:12:15,120 I've done that once, like somebody stopped me on my way 1105 01:12:15,120 --> 01:12:20,000 from the gym to go to Taco Bell. And you know, like I've been 1106 01:12:20,000 --> 01:12:23,480 able to give money to people that are homeless. 1107 01:12:23,480 --> 01:12:25,600 I've been able to do like charitable things. 1108 01:12:26,040 --> 01:12:30,280 And something that I learned is you don't get the money to do it 1109 01:12:30,280 --> 01:12:33,240 and then do it. You start doing this shit and 1110 01:12:33,240 --> 01:12:37,240 then like, oh, OK, like this is who you are, so we going to keep 1111 01:12:37,240 --> 01:12:40,240 this going for you. Like to be able to do that is a 1112 01:12:40,240 --> 01:12:43,480 fucking blessing. It's a privilege, but also it's 1113 01:12:43,480 --> 01:12:49,560 a choice. So I'm, I'm man, I'm fucking 1114 01:12:49,560 --> 01:12:56,440 happy and I ain't showing it and I'm I'm, I'm, I'm scared to show 1115 01:12:56,440 --> 01:12:59,440 it. I'm I'm overly humbling myself 1116 01:13:00,360 --> 01:13:05,600 to not create a circumstance of jealousy like I have in my 1117 01:13:05,600 --> 01:13:13,400 relationships, not to so I was sorted so as not to attract 1118 01:13:14,080 --> 01:13:17,680 somebody that's like, oh, look at all that joy. 1119 01:13:17,680 --> 01:13:21,120 Let me make him less than so I can feel better about myself. 1120 01:13:25,600 --> 01:13:30,600 And I'm also not dim in my light because that is what that form 1121 01:13:30,600 --> 01:13:38,200 of rejection is. It felt good. 1122 01:13:38,280 --> 01:13:40,040 This felt good y'all, this felt good. 1123 01:13:40,040 --> 01:13:43,840 This felt like when I get out of recording self podcast episodes, 1124 01:13:43,840 --> 01:13:46,640 I might have to do like a little recap for myself on there and 1125 01:13:47,240 --> 01:13:50,120 but I I really hope that y'all find this useful. 1126 01:13:51,760 --> 01:13:55,400 I'm about to be 37. I'm about to be a 37 year old 1127 01:13:55,400 --> 01:13:59,040 black man living with herpes. I started this nonprofit podcast 1128 01:13:59,040 --> 01:14:03,360 when I was 2829 years old and here we are like we going in the 1129 01:14:03,600 --> 01:14:06,920 we going into nine years of doing this man. 1130 01:14:09,960 --> 01:14:12,400 All right, I got I gotta go because it's been longer than 1131 01:14:12,400 --> 01:14:13,840 the hour. I appreciate y'all. 1132 01:14:14,280 --> 01:14:16,920 Thank you for making the space and the time to listen to this. 1133 01:14:16,920 --> 01:14:18,600 Till next time y'all stay present.