Welcome to something positive for Positive people.
I'm Courtney brain. Something positive for positive
people is a podcast featuring the experiences of individuals
living with or affected by sexually transmitted infections,
herpes, HIV and HPV. Before we go into this episode,
couple announcements. So the first one is this one's
gonna sound a little bit different than what you're used
to. Over the last week or so, I've
been reflecting on some of the things that we've been doing
here, one of which is working towards a destigmatization of
people living with STI S And all I'm doing by asking people to
share their race, ethnicity, and all those kinds of things is
creating added layers of separation when the goal here is
for people to recognize just how exactly we are the same.
It just kind of went against my value after some deep self
observation and just really thinking through what I can do
to make this better. I think that it's best for us to
keep the podcast in line with my core values and beliefs.
So going forward, we're going to focus more so on who the guests
are and what they're doing rather than what they look like
or what they're sexual preferences are.
And if it comes up throughout the podcast, if they use various
pronouns or that they have been in the relationship with someone
of a certain sex or any of those things, if they come up, it'll
come up throughout the podcast. I'm not going to remove it if it
comes up casually, but I don't want to continue to create these
profiles of differentiation between people.
I'll have to go back and redo the episode Zero episode because
that was what I thought was best for the podcast, but it turns
out it's not been as helpful as I thought.
Now that we got that out of the way, don't forget to follow the
hashtag Something positive for positive people and the hashtag
SPFPP, which is a lot easier to put in tweets than something
positive for positive people. With that said, I would like to
introduce our guest today we have Melissa King.
Melissa, go on, introduce yourself.
Well, I am a psychotherapist in New York City, a licensed mental
health counselor. My big passion area is working
with individuals who have herpes.
Let's talk about how you got into that because you have a
very interesting origin story of how you landed in the field that
you're in. Yeah, I've been in this world, I
mean in the herpes world for a really long time.
It's actually starting to make me feel old when I think about
it. Since 1994.
So what is that 20, three years or something like?
That 2324. Yeah, I was actually
misdiagnosed with herpes when I was 16 years old.
I started that way because I don't want people's expectations
to be too surprised when they learn what happened.
So I thought I had herpes for eight years.
So from the age of 16 till about the age of 24.
Back then, the tests weren't that great and the doctor
diagnosed me visually. I went to my original doctor,
They were suspicious. They did blood tests.
The IGN came back positive. I don't think they had IgG back
then. And then that doctor, thankfully
was really smart to go and ask a specialist.
And the the specialist said, well, the IGM's aren't that
reliable. It can pick up other herpes
viruses like chicken pox and stuff like that.
So basically she came back and said, we don't know, you're just
gonna have to come back in when you get another outbreak.
So I remember seeing the symptoms.
I assumed it was herpes. My doctor didn't actually see
the actual symptoms by the time I saw her.
So I just believe what the doctor told me at the clinic.
And I lived the next eight years believing I had herpes, going to
support groups, taking Valtrex as suppressive therapy and
trying to figure out how, how do I get myself esteem back?
How am I going to tell a partner?
How am I going to have a meaningful life?
I found out that I was negative when I was 24 years old.
It was like 2002. I was dating someone at the time
who I had disclosed to. We were hanging out.
It was kind of one of those things.
I think we're both interested in each other, but I wasn't quite
sure what it was yet. And I just told him the story.
It wasn't the planned thing. It just came out as sharing.
And he leaned over and kissed me.
I remember a week later, I was like, did he hear me back?
Yeah. And I remember sitting on a park
bench with him and bringing it up again.
And he just said, this is making me too happy to not be with you
for something like that. And of course, that's, I mean,
amazing, amazing, wonderful thing to hear when you're
experienced something like herpes.
At that time I was really getting a lot more comfortable
with it, but I didn't have a lot of experience dating a lot yet
with it. So that was a really fun
experience. And then I found out about the
new test, the IDD test that I was like, I wanna go find out
which type I have, if I have type one or type 2.
So I went to a clinic that specialized in SD testing and
that was doing herpes testing and got the test.
And at the time there was a test called Pocket, which I believe
is now the Bio Kit. I believe Bio Kit bought the
Pocket technology. So pocket had a 10 minute turn
around and it only tested for type 2.
And so they pulled blood to send away for type one and then they
did the type 2 blood test right there in the office and that
came back negative And I was like oh OK, I guess I have type
1. So I went home and waited two
weeks for the phone call. They finally call me and they
say your blood test came back negative for type one.
And I was like, excuse me, something must be wrong.
And so over the next year I probably had I don't even know
how many times I did the blood test again because I was just
like 8 years of living my life one way and it was really
surprising to me. You went all this time without
having any other outbreaks I. Didn't have symptoms that were
just like the first ones that I had, but I had various kinds of
stuff that happens to girls, you know, like it's just like you
have an itch, you have a red spot, you have this and that.
And I was 16 years old when this happened, so I wasn't that
familiar with my body. I just was like, I guess that's
herpes. You know, I assumed all the
things that go on in woman's vulvas, you know, it's like, I
guess that maybe that's herpes. And also, I was taking Valtrex
as suppressive therapy, so I wasn't expecting to get frequent
outbreaks. And I also knew because there
were some good books back then that people sometimes will have
one outbreak and not get more outbreaks or they would have
mild symptoms. And also, there wasn't social
media when I was diagnosed. You know, I wasn't comparing
notes with other patients. Let me ask you this.
When you were first misdiagnosed, you thought you
had herpes and you took the necessary precautions.
But now you find out you don't have herpes.
And I know that there's a little bit of in between there, but
when you found out you didn't have it, what was your response?
Other than just whoa, this is a shift.
It wasn't like this huge relief or anything like that because I
had come to terms with it for the most part at that point.
And so some people will say to me, you must have been so
relieved. And I think after eight years, I
was just like, this is just weird.
You're like, now what? Like who am I?
Right. I would never take those eight
years back because it really pushed me to start looking at
who I was as a person and my value as a person instead of a
sexual being, which I think as a teenager, as a teenage girl, I
felt a lot of pressure to be sexually attractive and all the
magazines were talking about how to be good and bad.
It really made me stop and consider maybe I have to believe
that my value is more than that, more than just what I have to
offer as a sexual being. So I really worked on that.
And I was at the point when I received the news that I was
negative, where I was believing that herpes was just gonna be
the way that I weeded out people that didn't really care about
me. And so I kid you not, one of my
first thoughts was, how am I gonna know if somebody really
loves me now? It sounds so strange, right?
But that literally was one of my first.
Thoughts. That's such a positive outlook
on it too, because a lot of people go immediately to Who's
going to Love Me? Whereas the other end of the
spectrum on that is, well damn, that goes my filtering
mechanism. I was choosing people based on
this. How are you going to respond to
me having herpes? That's a tool for screening
people in, and you've become so reliant on that tool.
It's like, OK, now that I don't have this, what am I going to do
now? Right then, I was enrolling in a
program around the same time to do health coaching.
I actually used to be an audio engineer, and I left that work
to move to New York and study dance, which was kind of like a
childhood dream, and I just wanted to give myself an
opportunity to do it. But then I had to figure out how
am I going to make money? So I had a lot of interest in
nutrition and that sort of thing.
So I went to school for Wellness coaching and decided that I
wanted to focus on the herpes population because it had been
my community for so long. And at the time I was especially
focusing on women. I wanted to have other women to
get accurate information more quickly than I did and kind of
get on the road to healing and have support.
I started doing coaching and I eventually formed a group.
I was getting individual clients together a few times a year to
meet each other, and then over time I felt that Wellness
coaching was too limiting. I wanted to be able to go deeper
and to be able to treat the mental health concerns that were
coming up. Sometimes there was depression
or anxiety and things like that. And I, as a longest coach, I
just didn't have the training or skills to be able to.
So I was referring those people out.
And those people had opened up to me about the story, and then
they had to go talk to a stranger about it who might not
know much about herpes. So I decided to go back to
school and get my degree, and that's health counseling.
And so that's how I ended up in private practice, which is what
I do now. And so I'm able to work with
people who just are adjusting to the diagnosis, to people who
have seen an anxiety disorder and the herpes diagnosis is
really magnified, you know, magnified by the anxiety and
magnifying the anxiety. Yeah, yeah.
So do you see, I want to ask you a lot about your experience.
And I know we're going to end up having to do multiple episodes
here, but this is a really good place to ask this question.
So what's one of the most common emotions?
Or Yeah, what are the most common emotions people
experience who come to you with a new herpes diagnosis?
I think that it's, it's really like a sense of hopelessness
about their opportunity for love.
Mm hmm. You know, it's a despair, you
know, a feeling like either my life is over or I'll never be
able to fall in love. That's the initial.
Yeah, I agree with that. Despair is a very good word for
it, and hopelessness as well. When I was diagnosed, I think I
was so distracted externally by, Oh my God, who else did I give
this to? I didn't really have time to go
into the sadness and despair right away.
So it was more of like, I need to find out who else has this.
And then when I made all my phone calls and everyone said
no. You became worried about who you
might have affected. Yes.
That's where I was at that point in time shortly after diagnosis.
Eventually it got to a point where I had my time to be like,
oh man, you know, now dating is going to suck.
People have asked me, was there ever a time where you were just
down about it? And I think that the repression
of the emotion may have played out in other areas of my life
because it, to me, wasn't that big of a deal.
Until it came to me having to date again five years later.
Because I was in and out of relationships at that point in
time with people who knew and were OK with it.
But then when I had to begin meeting new people or start
dating, there was like a hidden anxiety.
And in hindsight, I'm able to say the reason I would sabotage
potential relationships was because I have herpes and I
didn't want to have to have that conversation.
Does that make sense? Sure.
You know, I think it's really encouraging to hear that your
first thought was how have I affected other people?
Simply because while I work with men and women, I predominantly
work with women. You know, a lot of the women
feel like the partners who knew that they had it or who found
out they had it because the woman got it did not treat them
responsibly. They didn't feel that their
experience was cared for. And so the fact that you
actually thought first, who have I affected is it's just an
encouraging thing to hear about. I also find myself wondering
many women spend their youth dreaming of their wedding right?
Dreaming of relationship, right? And so I wonder how different
perhaps it might be for a man versus a woman if that reaction
of no one will love me. Yeah, more.
Like, I'm not gonna walk down the aisle right for a woman.
So I'll say as someone who spent a lot of time like watching TV
or movies and seeing a lot of the media popular, this pop
culture in general, one of the thoughts that came up may have
been my sexuality is going to now be limited.
That wasn't necessarily a big deal because I had a lot of
other things going on. So it wasn't high priority.
Like, oh man, now I can't have as many partners as I would like
to have. Can't lie to you, that was
always a thing for me, especially after high school
through college. It was like, have as much sex as
you can with as many women as you can.
And then I got herpes. At that point, I was in a new
job. I was at a new place in life
where the opportunities should have been plentiful.
But now it's like, OK, I need to just be in a relationship or I
need to just get rid of that dream altogether.
But then, you know, I became distracted by my career, those
kinds of goals. And then just, I would say I was
on autopilot for a while. Growing up, I was taught go to
school, go to work, get an education, get a job that you
love and retire. There was really no in between
there and dealing with herpes created and in between, so to
speak. And just different aspects of
dating challenges and wondering how people were looking at me
and having to overcompensate in other areas of my life.
Maybe even now that we're saying this out loud, maybe even that
was why I got into working out so much.
Like OK, if I'm more physically attractive then whoever I date
will look past me having herpes so I'm gonna work out in order
to look good. I love that you said that.
I think that's such a common experience.
I think a lot of my clients talk about that, of just feeling like
I now have to be perfect on the outside so that maybe herpes
won't seem like such a big deal to someone.
Like oh you have herpes, well you're hot so yeah.
Or oh you have herpes, well you make 6 figures whatever
situation. Maybe I've noticed that even
since I've become out and more open about it, there are a lot
of other people who are physically active or in the
fitness profession who are dealing with some sort of a
health challenge. And of course, being healthy
helps with minimizing outbreaks. And then other, you know,
physical medical conditions, it helps with those as well, even
with mental health issues. So a lot of people who have
gotten into working out, it's good for them to do so, not just
from the perspective of, oh, I need to look good so that I can
find a partner. Absolutely.
And I think also, you know, one of the things that I really work
with my clients on is really building a sense of value in all
the other things that they have to offer in a relationship.
Because when you're in a relationship, I mean, I've been
working with people who have heard me since 2003.
I've seen so many people go on to have relationships with
partners who are negative. And whenever any of those people
come back and tell, you know, tell me how they're doing or
they come back to visit my therapy group, you know,
they're, they're all like herpes doesn't even come up.
It's such a non issue. You know, it's like relationship
issues there. There's so many other things
that we have to deal with in relationships.
If we can't get through herpes, we're not going to be OK
Probably because it's herpes is does end up becoming such a
small thing. So I really try to help my
clients to think about what connects us to people.
We are attracting people for the superficial reasons or we're
trying to sell something that we're not.
Yeah, right. Those relationships end up being
fleeting, right. And less satisfying also.
Yeah. You know, regardless of what
kind of relationship you're looking for.
And I'm noticing a pattern of the more the people who respond
negatively to a diagnosis typically have a lot of other
things going on that aren't being dealt with personally than
just herpes. And it's just like, OK, now
herpes is like a physical manifestation of an obstacle
that I now have to deal with. But in reality, in dealing with
herpes, there are so many different subcategories of
things that you can deal with, such as your mental health, your
physical health or your career or just overall sense of
direction, You know, dealing with who you are and what it is
that you're doing. And rather than seeking a
relationship based on what is this person going to give me or
do for me, you're more so focused on what can I do for
myself and what can I bring to the table and what is a partner
or partners going to add to that table.
It's giving me an overall idea of a bigger picture.
We're both contributing to this cloud overhead.
And I'm doing my best to create a visual here, but there's a
cloud above us and we both have an idea of what this cloud looks
like. I know what I bring to the
table. You know what you bring to the
table. And we're contributing that into
this cloud over our heads so that we're getting out what it
is that we need. So we're not setting our
expectations externally on what are you giving me and what can I
give you. But we're more so contributing
to this overall bigger picture and we're getting what we need
out of it by adding to it what we have to add to it.
I hope that makes sense. Right, right.
You know, sometimes I will ask people to reflect on the
question, if you weren't worried about herpes, what would you be
worried about? Or if you weren't insecure about
herpes, what would you be insecure about?
Not to minimize. I mean, herpes is something to
deal with. It's something to work through.
But we can become so hyper focused on it that it allows us
to be distracted from these other issues that are hard, more
complex, and more more difficult to work through.
Mm hmm. A good question is like, if not
herpes, then what? So similar thing.
Yeah, I've asked people about that.
I have to blog in very specific places when I'm asking these
kinds of questions because I like to get feedback from people
in the community. I want to make this podcast as
useful as possible. So when asking a question like
that, OK, If not herpes didn't what?
You'd be surprised when people come up with the ones who do
contribute because already we have a group of people who feel
stigmatized to the point where they may not even want to
contribute to public posts. But you can see like, OK, so
many people looked at this or so many people liked it but are
hesitant to contribute to it. But the responses you get to
this is it's all across the board, OK?
It's my physical health, my mental health, dealing with
toxic relationships or other health challenges.
There's all these different challenges across the board that
are so much more significant than herpes.
And another thing that often comes up is if herpes is the
worst thing that you have to deal with, then you're living a
pretty good life. You know, first coming up, I got
to have his rent pay, you know, so.
I got to get to work, you know, there's different work
challenges and personal challenges.
And then making sure that I make time to do this podcast, making
time for the relationships in my life.
I'll always say that if this is the worst thing going on in your
life, then you're doing pretty well.
Yeah. You know, I think herpes can be
especially painful when people have had difficult relationships
or rejection or, you know, have had trouble sort of achieving
what they've desired for relationships and they end up
feeling like herpes is just a further sign that something's
wrong with them, right? And then so and then they focus
on the herpes and they're not really able to get to, well,
what really has been going on that's made it difficult for you
to achieve the kind of relationships unless you let it?
Herpes doesn't really have to be the thing that prevents you.
It's probably something else going on.
I like the way you worded that. Yeah, I've noticed from so many
years of doing this that people who had healthy relationships,
you know, healthy long term relationships prior to
contracting herpes, usually go on to have healthy long term
relationships after. People who had difficulty
establishing relationships say people who tend to choose
unavailable partners continue to choose unavailable partners
after herpes, which then may lead to more feelings of I'm
being rejected of her because of herpes.
When really there's a pattern that needs to be addressed of
choosing unavailable partners and understanding the
psychological dynamics that are going on that are leading you to
that pattern is really what we need to work on.
How do we begin to recognize these patterns if herpes?
To me, herpes was a speed bump, and when I recognize it as a
speed bump, it was like, oh, there's all these other things
that I need to work on, but I have a very unique set of
experience that led me to that. But what's a good universal way
for us to recognize if we have a bad pattern that isn't?
Well, I think, yeah, sure. I think that, I mean, first it's
having some experiences to have a pattern and having some
experiences could just simply be, I've asked a lot of people
on dates and everyone said, no, I mean, that's enough experience
to have a pattern. So it could just be just kind of
reflecting back over the the years and over what are the
situations I keep ending up in and are do these situations seem
healthy? Am I happy with them?
Right. You know, and why do I think
that's happening? Am I really blaming the right
thing? Is it, you know, if you're, you
know, if you have good hygiene and basic level of being able to
dress appropriately and stuff like that, it's probably not
your appearance. There's probably something else.
Mm hmm. Going on.
So I mean, I think therapy is a really, really useful thing when
you have a, a pattern that keeps happening that's painful.
But if you wanna pick up a book, sometimes books on like
attachment theory can be really helpful.
And there's one book that I sometimes recommend to clients
who clearly have a pattern of attachment that's not working.
It's called attached and you know, so for instance, there are
patterns of avoidance, There are patterns of preoccupied anxious
where you become like you get involved with somebody and you
become really anxious about the relationship surviving and you
call them all the time and you're always worried if they're
going to call you right and that sort of thing.
So like the like understanding the gaining awareness and
information right about the attachment pattern can be a
beginning to solve them that. All right.
And I'm glad you said that because I find that journaling
is very useful. When you find yourself in a
situation where you you're experiencing an emotion, it's
great to explore that emotion. I've found that through reading,
of course, several books, there is a common ground of every
emotion being attached to 10s and thousands of thoughts.
So if you recognize the emotion you're feeling and you're able
to ask why am I feeling this emotion and then going through
what's happening in your life, I've found that personally to be
extremely useful. It's such a great practice when
you're trying to work through problems and understand yourself
better and improve your life, right?
Having a discipline, I think is especially like a discipline of
journaling because sometimes if we just do it from time to time,
we don't, we don't do it. That's true.
If you kind of work it in like I'm going to do this before bed,
or I'm going to do this at dinner, or I'm going to, you
know, do it in the morning, whatever works for you.
And even if you just give yourself 5 minutes to do it, I
think sometimes you might be surprised by what comes out.
And even over time, you get so much better at it.
You you become faster with it. So if I'm feeling sad about
something and I begin to just ask a question in my head, I can
filter through all the bullshit and ultimately get to what's
really making me sad and decide how I'm going to deal with it.
So it's something that went from having to write out like pages
and pages to filling in the notebook, to writing a page to
now it's like, oh, OK, it it's at the snap of a finger.
I'm able to get to the root of what the problem is and then
decide, am I going to address it?
Am I going to change it or am I going to leave it the way it is
or walk away from it even? Right.
Yeah. And there are times where you
have to just walk away well. Yeah.
You know what it it is. I mean, I think that coming to
that point of decision is so, you know, for some people, they
are able to know, like I'm, this is the decision I need to make.
And for some people, that's where their anxiety is, right?
And so then they get stuck and then it's like they don't know.
They, they, they're not even sure what the healthy, healthy
response is. Like, do I, do I act?
Do I, do I, do I remove myself from this situation, you know,
avoid it. What like, what do I do right?
And you know, talking that through with somebody can be
really, really useful. But you know, I, I bring that up
because Speaking of patterns, I think especially with avoidance,
sometimes you're not going to necessarily catch that you have
this pattern where you just keep avoiding.
I think it's very important for people to recognize the people
they have in their lives as being able to point these things
out to them because I was fortunate enough to have people
in my life who were able to point out to me, all right,
Courtney, you're doing this. You have this pattern.
I wouldn't have recognized the pattern if they hadn't pointed
it out to me. I could have responded one way
of screw you, asshole, or respond the way that I did and
begin to like, ask, oh, do I like, when do I do it?
How do I do it? Can you point it out to me when
it happens? So being able to have those
kinds of people in your life, it's very risky to share because
for a while I have a very, very close friend who didn't know I
had herpes. And he would be like, dude, you
do this thing where dot, dot, dot, and it will always go back
to that pattern. And then one day I was just
like, you know what, man, I have herpes.
That didn't even make a difference in why I was doing
what I was doing because he was like, all right, well, you still
do this thing. And while it was a relief for
me, I felt like clearing that mental space allowed me to be
more receptive to the advice that was given to me and being
more open minded to, OK, I do this thing and this is just what
this person notices who I'm at work with or I'm, I'm hanging
out with. What about the other, you know,
16 hours a day? What else am I doing?
So I began to really observe my own personal behavior.
And I encourage others to do that as well.
You know, if you have a pattern and you find yourself in the
pattern. What's helped me is projecting
myself like overhead, watching myself indulge in the behavior
that I'm doing and explore the emotion I feel.
So what is it? What am I getting out of this?
What am I doing? Why am I doing it?
And then be able to go back to my own notebook, journal it in
and be like, oh, OK, am I going to keep this away?
It is. Or am I going to change it?
Or does this not serve my life? Bringing that back full circle,
it's important to have healthy people in your life who are
going to be able to give you this kind of advice and remove
the toxic people because my friend could have easily just
manipulated the situation in his favor to receive whatever it was
that person would receive by keeping me in that same pattern.
Yeah, I want to speak for a second to those people who might
be listening, who are maybe lonely and maybe are shy or have
social anxiety or are struggling to form healthy relationships,
You know, And I wanna just say that places you can start are
looking for a therapy group. It doesn't even have to be about
herpes, but that is a safe place usually where you can begin to
kind of explore relationships. You just know you go there every
Wednesday at 6:00 PM and you have that place, you have
connection and people paying attention.
And if that's not your thing, even just getting to a class,
you know, I think having a pattern where you're going to
the same thing every week can be.
And that's something that I have to say a lot in New York,
because in New York it's easier in other places because when
it's small, people I think gather more.
But here in New York, there's so many things to do.
So I have to really help people to kind of find something like
find a home base and go every week.
Because when you go every week, that helps you to build
relationships. And those relationships are
built on a shared interest. I like that.
So do we want to, instead of using the word pattern because
we were talking about patterns is kind of a negative thing at
first or like the negative patterns of behavior, would we
say more so build yourself a routine or some sort of
structure in terms of gathering with others?
Well, when you said that feedback from others and getting
rid of toxic relationships and forming healthy relationships, I
think for some people it's really easy to do that because
they have a lot of friends, right?
And they're very, they're extroverted.
They just like know a lot of people.
So I just wanted to encourage those people who might be
sitting alone right now listening to this, feeling like
I don't even know how to begin. I'm glad you did that because I
yeah, and I I'm bad about that. Like making the assumption that
everyone's like me. And I think that that's a
pattern that I'm I'm really trying.
To get out friendly and you you make connections very easily.
Connecting ain't easy, but I know that there were a lot of
things that we wanted to cover. And I'm going to have you back
here again, you know, if time permits and we're able to get
together more often. But I think that we've covered
quite a bit from both of our ends on what we wanted to talk
about. But was there anything
specifically that you wanted to address in this episode that you
think we can fit in? Because you and I can talk.
Even when we were speaking on the phone, we spoke for quite a
bit and we have so. Much So many things are racing
through my mind right now. I'm like, how did we get through
all this time and not even touch on all those?
Topics, right Well, we did I think we've touched on
everything, but more specifically, I believe that one
of the things that we talked about was a lot of your clients
being female and needing to hear from a male perspective on
dating because they feel like guys aren't available or
accepting of their conditions is.
That right, I think what it is is that a lot of the women that
I've worked with would benefit from hearing from men who are
really handling this in a healthy, responsible way.
And that was one of the things that I got really excited about
when I felt actually with a client of mine who sent your
podcast to me and I was just flipping out.
I was, I, I was like, Oh my gosh, like, I think the guest
was Sean, you know, so it's two men.
I'm like, Oh my God, there's two men talking about this.
And they're talking about it in such a mature, responsible way.
And I had to share it with my other clients because I think so
many of them have felt so discouraged by men who maybe
they contracted herpes from and who did not handle it well.
Most of the time it was they didn't take responsibility for
it. So you're the reason that
episode got so many downloads? Yeah, that might be why so And
then I also like really appreciated that you are a black
man who is coming out about this because I have many black female
clients. There's a lot of young white
women who've come out about their herpes diagnosis writers
and comedians. And I think that's really great.
But I think, you know, it's really important for people to
be able to see people who look like them, right, who are who
are talking about this publicly. And so it was really exciting
for me to be able to have someone to see that you were a
black man and to be able to say to my black female clients,
here's somebody that looks like you.
So different gender, but who's talking about this and putting
his name out there in his face, right?
Who's handling this responsibly? So the thing about that, I know
a few other black men who are living with herpes and just I
would say this isn't a big deal to them.
It's just not as much of A high priority as it may be to a lot
of people. You know, just like you said, as
a black man, you know, we deal with a lot of things in society
based on mindset. This can either be a hindrance
or this can be one more thing that we really draw strength
from and allow ourselves to move forward in life.
Or it's just completely irrep and it's like, oh shit, you
know, I can't have sex. Every now and then I have to
tell people I have herpes. It is what it is.
And another thing is like a general man thing is to not go
to the doctor really. So if there is some going on, it
might be like, oh shit, that's an ingrown hair.
I'm going to see if it goes away in a few days and then just not
think anything else of it. So it's very possible that more
of the population does have it than what we think just based on
that, because the first outbreak is usually the worst.
So if I get flu or something and it's the flu, if I also have a
sore in my mouth and it's a cold sore, which a lot of people
don't know, it's herpes. There's a lot of different
factors that play into that. But just going back to the black
man thing, some of the black men I know it's just not relevant to
them because maybe they're in a relationship or they've got
other things going on or they find that the people that they
tell don't really they're not bothered by it.
You have to put yourself out there as well.
So if this really does bother you, as someone who's looking
for a partner in general, not just black female looking for a
black male in general, you have to be willing to put yourself
out there because there are so many people who are putting
themselves out there and just not finding someone compatible
for them. And it's not just based on
ethnicity, it's also based on having herpes or being accepting
and having herpes. So there's all these different
dating groups, support groups, interest groups, and people just
aren't able to find them. We're definitely gonna chat
again. We're at a good stopping point
here. First, let's tell everyone how
they can reach you. OK, my website is my heart
dances.com just like it's spelled or you know, just like
it sounds. I mean MYATARTDANCE s.com and I
have a blog there and I do write about herpes and I write about
other mental health issues like depression and anxiety as well.
But I do provide tools and resources on my website for
coping. I can't provide therapy to
people who are outside of New York, but you can sign up for my
blog and get updates and I am hoping to continue producing.
Like linking therapy techniques with things people can do at
home. Like think reflections and
things People can do at home to help themselves grow and move
forward with this. Well, thank you.
I appreciate your time and I appreciate the time that you're
going to give us going forward because it's I've been wanting
someone to help guide us through the mental and emotional aspects
of having herpes and bam, here you are.
So ask and you shall receive well.
It's really, really great to talk with you and I am just so
happy to be able to to help others and to share what I know.
Thank you so much. You're welcome.
All right, guys, this concludes this episode of something
positive for Positive people. I can be found on Instagram,
Twitter, Tumblr and Reddit at H on my chest spelled exactly how
it sounds. Leave a review like subscribe to
rate the podcast, please. It's growing.
We've got people who are finding the podcast and being able to
connect to resources that they need for support, interest
groups, dating and just added information that they need to
help guide them through their diagnosis.
Till next time, stay positive.