1 00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:05,200 Welcome to Something positive for Positive People. 2 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:07,520 I'm Courtney brain. Something positive for Positive 3 00:00:07,520 --> 00:00:10,160 people is a nonprofit organization supporting people 4 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:15,080 navigating herpes stigma. I'm your host, Courtney brain. 5 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:22,320 I think I just said that I am in a state of grief probably have 6 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:23,640 been for a while. That's why you haven't heard 7 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:26,920 many podcast episodes. And I've been doing that thing 8 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:33,320 that you shouldn't do, but you know, unfortunately you have to 9 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:36,800 do, which is just like powering through and doing the things 10 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:39,520 that need to be done because I mean, stuff's got to get done. 11 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:48,600 And so I don't necessarily want to speak into specifics about 12 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:52,560 what the grief is. If you follow me closely or if 13 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:54,160 you communicate with me, you know what that is. 14 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:59,440 But I, I just had to do some very vulnerable things. 15 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:03,160 I had a podcast guest that I was supposed to have on. 16 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:07,640 I'm in the same room that the Zoom room that we were going to 17 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:13,440 be recording on. And I, I, I acknowledged that 18 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:17,560 I'm not able to be as present as I normally am. 19 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:19,520 But this conversation is important. 20 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:26,320 And yeah, she did her job. She did her job. 21 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:30,520 She's AI. Don't I don't damn. 22 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:33,080 I can't even, you know, recall what her title is, but she talks 23 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:38,360 about abuse, domestic violence, and I was going to interview her 24 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:43,040 for the podcast because she was at Baylor College of Medicine 25 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:48,720 HIV training. It was a training virtual that I 26 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:51,240 got brought in to be a part of alongside one of my board 27 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:56,360 members in order to speak on SEI communication, sexual health, 28 00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:01,360 and talking among patients or talking from patients to 29 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:02,800 provider or providers to patients. 30 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:07,400 See, see, I'm scatterbrained and I'm very grateful to my yoga 31 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:10,039 therapy program because I have resources that help me 32 00:02:10,039 --> 00:02:12,520 understand that. Whereas if I didn't understand 33 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:15,440 what it is and I'm experiencing and going through, who knows how 34 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:17,880 that would show up. I'll probably be posting crazy 35 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:22,640 stuff on social media and all types of unnecessary things that 36 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:31,800 are less than healthy coping mechanism, so I am going to be 37 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:40,520 taking whatever time it is that I need away from the things that 38 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:47,440 aren't a priority right now. Priority number one is healing. 39 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:54,600 The thing that I think is the source of the grief priority #2 40 00:02:54,600 --> 00:03:02,560 is going to be recalibrating my focus and aligning, realigning 41 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,960 and defining what is happening with Something Positive for 42 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,880 Positive People. Like not that too much is going 43 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:12,800 to change, but to give you perspective, this upcoming 44 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:19,240 Saturday, March 8th, I was supposed to have a Expo, another 45 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,440 Something Positive for Positive People Expo in Newark, NJ. 46 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:31,560 I got a venue, a space, I had a guest presenter who is local to 47 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:35,680 New Jersey as well and we were planning on this for. 48 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:39,040 It's been a little bit over a month and I've posted about it. 49 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:43,800 I've told people and they have Flyers at the organization and 50 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,200 we have one person signed up for a free ticket. 51 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,440 So I went on ahead and just cancelled the event. 52 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:54,720 And yeah, now I really don't need to be back here in New York 53 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:56,840 for a bit. So I'm going to take some time. 54 00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:02,000 I'm going to go and just reset myself at home. 55 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:05,880 I'm going to be in Saint Louis. I don't have like an end date. 56 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:09,800 I didn't have much on the schedule for my part time job 57 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,120 teaching medical students to give genital exams. 58 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:15,120 So I'm going to just take some time and go home. 59 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:16,880 I'm going to see family and friends again. 60 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:24,840 I was really recharging for me and now I really need to more so 61 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:29,640 spend some alone time and there's going to be a lot of 62 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:32,240 that. I've already worked out what 63 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:36,520 that's going to look like and being able to do what I need to 64 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:41,560 do in order to shift what my priority is. 65 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:46,480 I think that for a while now I've taken my focus, 66 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:50,320 attentiveness, prioritization away from what my priority 67 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:55,960 should have been, and it shows. And energetically, I'm a real 68 00:04:55,960 --> 00:05:01,240 big energy person. And for somebody who runs an 69 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:03,840 organization called something positive or positive people like 70 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:10,800 my positivity has been like it's, it's been minimized speak 71 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:13,960 a stigma minimization. And I've been running on 72 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:18,600 reserves for a while, probably a few months and doing just 73 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,120 enough. I've been doing just enough to 74 00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:24,120 get by and do the bare minimum. I've been showing up for my yoga 75 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,600 therapy clients. I've been missing class 76 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:30,880 sessions. I've been late to calls and 77 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:36,120 missing calls, and that is not like me at all. 78 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:44,560 So yeah, I'm dealing with the thing that I need to deal with 79 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:49,080 in the way that I it's a new way, I think that this is a very 80 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:53,280 new way for me to deal with grief Now, having had access to 81 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:56,400 Antonio, I didn't. I cannot say his last name. 82 00:05:56,400 --> 00:06:00,400 Sauces, souses. But he does yoga for grief 83 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,480 relief. And I've been considering 84 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,720 looking at one of his retreats. I got invited like for a 85 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:09,720 scholarship too, but I just couldn't make it because I had 86 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:13,960 my Expo, I think, or the IT was the Black Men's Emotional 87 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,760 Wellness Symposium, one of those. 88 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:19,360 And maybe if I had gone like I would have recognized I've been 89 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:22,560 grieving for a long time and what Kendrick Lamar say, I 90 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:24,880 grieve different. So I'm going to listen to my 91 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,640 little sad playlist. I'm going to feel my feelings 92 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:32,760 and push through for tomorrow. I don't like that phrase, push 93 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,480 through. I am going to be as present as I 94 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:39,560 can be for the social. That's tomorrow on Thursday in 95 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:43,920 Brooklyn at the house, me and Trisha, AKA Safe Slut are going 96 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,760 to host a social event for people with herpes. 97 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:50,480 And we're just going to get together, mingle, talk and just 98 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:53,760 maybe have some music, dancing. If anybody wants to drink, they 99 00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:56,000 can. This is not a good time for me 100 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:57,520 to drink. I ain't doing that till I get 101 00:06:57,520 --> 00:07:01,360 around safer people and I know where I'm at. 102 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,520 So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to wait till I get 103 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:07,360 home. I have me a day of of my little 104 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:12,240 my vices, and then I got to get to it, if that. 105 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:16,160 Like I'm recognizing that there is various kinds of coping 106 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:19,960 mechanisms for healing and getting through hard things. 107 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:25,480 And I'm human, just like I think a lot of people are. 108 00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:28,720 You know, you may not recognize the thing in the moment, but 109 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:38,200 hindsight 2020 is miraculous. It's very if we had that 110 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:47,880 foresight paired with our hindsight, I think we get 111 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,520 insight. Oh, that's profound. 112 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:52,880 That's some shit people be like for. 113 00:07:54,320 --> 00:08:01,960 But no, all seriousness. Yeah, I've, I've not been doing 114 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:07,920 what I need to be doing. I've shifted what I've given to 115 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:12,120 something positive for positive people over the last eight 116 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:13,560 years. It's been 8 years now. 117 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:20,040 I was porn at somewhere else and that's not what I should have 118 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:23,760 been doing. I recognize that it's important 119 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:29,480 for me to be able to name my needs after becoming a person 120 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:35,480 who has met my own needs or found people to support me and 121 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:36,919 meeting whatever those needs are. 122 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:40,159 I think that for a really long time I've been unable to name 123 00:08:40,159 --> 00:08:44,760 them or unwilling to name these needs, and it's like they're 124 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:47,640 either met or they're not, and regardless, it's me who's 125 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:53,360 responsible for meeting them. So in not being able to identify 126 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:58,720 and name what my needs are, what I've learned is that it is 127 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:03,360 difficult to create boundaries around those needs. 128 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,840 And not only am I creating the boundaries, but also being able 129 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:12,520 to communicate the boundaries and then also be able to use 130 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:16,160 those boundaries as a way of setting expectations. 131 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:20,480 And I recognize that how we do one thing is how we do 132 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,440 everything. And that's been the same thing 133 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:27,120 here in regards to something positive for positive people as 134 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:28,320 well as the thing that I'm grieving. 135 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:36,160 And in that, what I see is I haven't had to, I really haven't 136 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:41,720 had to state my needs. And I think that I've believed 137 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:44,600 that I don't need boundaries for a really long time. 138 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:48,440 I've just believed that. And I think that I've drawn in 139 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:51,080 and done a really good job of bringing in the kind of people 140 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:55,440 who belong here, who belong in my space, who when I'm aligned 141 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:57,760 with what I'm supposed to be doing, the opportunities of 142 00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:01,360 relationships and connections, everything has sort of just 143 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:05,120 appeared in my orbit. And then I stopped doing that. 144 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,160 And all of a sudden, like my beliefs need to change. 145 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:12,920 It's not even all of a sudden, but overtime, like I'm trying to 146 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:17,560 do things differently under the expectation that this is 147 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:23,280 supposed to be better for me. And I had a recent experience of 148 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:27,200 finding my notebooks from when I went home most recently. 149 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:29,840 And I was reading through them. And as I read through them, like 150 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:35,000 I was able to see a lot of the work that I've done on myself to 151 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:39,800 become the person that I am and not perfect, no such thing as 152 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:44,960 perfect, far from it. And in the process of 153 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:52,040 acknowledging, accepting, embracing my imperfections and 154 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:57,600 learning along the way, you know, there's been, I'm sure 155 00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:01,680 there's been more damage done than what I can like verbalize 156 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:04,760 and name or what's in my range of perspective. 157 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:09,040 But there's also been a lot of healing. 158 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:14,200 And I think that I've been hard on myself and I've been talking 159 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,480 to family and friends about what's going on. 160 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:20,360 And it's always a wonderful experience to have different 161 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:24,240 perspectives because those different perspectives are I 162 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:29,320 ain't going to say like make me feel better, but do make me feel 163 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:33,720 like there are just things that I'm unable to communicate for 164 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:40,480 whatever reasons, right? And regardless of word choice or 165 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:46,360 like how things are said, I think that the thing that I run 166 00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:51,600 into consistently is that it is more important that a thing be 167 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:57,600 done than a thing be done well. And along the way, like we kind 168 00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:00,000 of learn and I've learned that from the simulation. 169 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:03,920 Most recently, I got feedback. A lot of the feedback was we 170 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:07,760 need to have more lecture. They would like some examples of 171 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:10,560 using stigma free language for the clinicians that are part of 172 00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:13,280 the simulation and if they really, really enjoyed the role 173 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:15,840 play. But then I got a phone call 174 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:21,800 regarding how they wish that people wish that expectations 175 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:25,960 were a lot more clear. And I think that that's 176 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:29,040 something that I run into a lot, even in my personal life, 177 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:33,160 because I've done this thing where I'm like, oh, OK, like 178 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:34,840 that's the thing that needs to happen. 179 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:38,200 Let's do that. And then along the way we figure 180 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:42,200 it out. Like, that's how my life has 181 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:46,000 worked out well for me. I've learned a lot. 182 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,400 There's been successes. There's been things that are 183 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:53,680 important to me have been accomplished along the way of 184 00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:56,240 that because there's been so many times in the past where 185 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:58,440 I've planned and then things just don't go my way. 186 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:01,880 And then we got to plan again for things accommodating. 187 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:08,400 But it's so much more efficient and effective for me that we 188 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:11,240 just, we take action. You know, one of the codes I 189 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:16,920 live by is I never want to look back on the thing and say, why 190 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:20,240 didn't I like, why didn't I take action? 191 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,680 Why didn't I do a thing? Why didn't I speak up? 192 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,880 Why didn't I say something? I would rather look back on my 193 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:29,280 life if there are any regrets and be able to say, damn, why 194 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:32,120 did I do it this way? I never want to look back and 195 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:34,000 have regret about taking in action. 196 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,960 I would rather have taken wrong action. 197 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:40,240 And there's a lot of times in my life where I think about having 198 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:43,320 taken no action versus wrong action. 199 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:48,200 And even wrong action has probably had worse consequences 200 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:52,560 than taking no action. But it it very much feels like 201 00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:56,040 I'm living with an integrity in order to be able to say that 202 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,480 right. Like why? 203 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:03,400 I remember more times I didn't do a thing then I've done a 204 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:10,160 thing wrong, but I've learned from said wrong thing and been 205 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:13,800 able to take the lesson, embody it, incorporated and how I do 206 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:16,240 things moving forward. Like I always say, I don't make 207 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:23,720 the same mistake twice. And yeah, I feel like I do, 208 00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:28,880 though, looking at my journals and reflecting on a lot of what 209 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:32,880 I'm reading and seeing, I'm finding myself in a pattern that 210 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:36,120 I've been in a few times before. And one of my yoga therapy 211 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:37,160 client. Shout out to Allie. 212 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:39,560 Appreciate you. She said this to me and it's 213 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:42,680 stuck. And she said, we don't just sort 214 00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:45,440 of beat the game of the lesson, right? 215 00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:48,240 Like we have a lesson, it shows itself again and again and 216 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,960 again. And we expected to just stop. 217 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,120 It's like, all right, I've seen this before, like I beat the 218 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:57,080 game, get it out of my face. But what it is is that from the 219 00:14:57,080 --> 00:15:00,720 previous time, we should have learned something to apply to 220 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:02,720 the next time that we're met with that pattern. 221 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:06,400 So we get better at handling the pattern as it comes up. 222 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:13,440 And I think that my history with patterns is an attempt to avoid 223 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:17,200 dealing with things that I've had to deal with in the past by 224 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:21,720 putting myself in different environments and situations and 225 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:25,680 telling myself like, oh, OK, well, if this is the setting and 226 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:28,840 environment, then the assumptions are blank. 227 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:33,120 And that's kind of the same thing with my career field. 228 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:35,200 It is the same thing with my career field. 229 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:41,200 It is the same thing in my personal life that there are and 230 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:45,000 have been a lot of just assumptions about things. 231 00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:50,600 And that's on my part. Like I assume that, OK, well, if 232 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:56,600 this thing has branches and leaves on it, then it's a tree 233 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,240 because there's other trees around it. 234 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:01,560 But that may not be the case, you know, when just because it 235 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,440 looks like a tree doesn't make it a tree. 236 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:07,280 This has happened a lot of times for many of the opportunities 237 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:13,280 that I've I've had. And you know, yeah, business 238 00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:19,760 wise, personal wise, yeah. It's it's been, it's been really 239 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:27,760 weird for me because on one hand, one thing's going really 240 00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:30,480 well or seeming really well and then the others not. 241 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:35,960 And it's, it's regardless of how connected I think everything is. 242 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:43,200 I, I think I took on an all or nothing approach as if like I 243 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:48,520 can only do full throttle 100%. So it was full throttle 100% in 244 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:51,200 my relationship with something positive for positive people and 245 00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:55,360 then in my personal life. So it's one or the other. 246 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:59,000 And I think that what boundaries are going to do for me and being 247 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,360 able to know my needs and communicate what these 248 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,880 boundaries are set expectations is it's going to Get Me Out of 249 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:11,119 this all or nothing pattern of I need to pour everything into 250 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:16,319 only this and allow for me to evenly distribute what I have to 251 00:17:16,319 --> 00:17:22,319 pour and also be able to find healthy ways of filling my 252 00:17:22,319 --> 00:17:29,560 energetic cup. Because I think that people and 253 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:34,120 things are typically what we pour into energetically. 254 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:42,920 And for me, I've looked to people to fill my cup, feel my 255 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:47,400 cup. Now I fill it and I need to step 256 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:53,400 away and fill my own cup and then enjoy sharing what I filled 257 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:59,000 my cup up with with people. So yeah, it's going to be a 258 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:03,840 process for me. I leave from New Jersey on 259 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:07,280 Friday and I go back to Saint Louis. 260 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:09,400 I'm going to take my stuff to my grandmother's house. 261 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,840 And yeah, I'm going to spend a lot of time. 262 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,240 I'll have like an office space, just like a sanctuary for 263 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:19,160 myself. Shout out to Carl for always 264 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,680 telling me I always got a place there. 265 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,160 I always got a place at home, but it's temporary. 266 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,560 I don't want to do what I did before. 267 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:32,440 Where I go home, get caught up and stay home and look up and 268 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:37,600 five years go past without me having done much of what you 269 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:40,080 know, aligns for my purpose. And I say that, but I've been 270 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:43,280 able to do a lot for people over those years. 271 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:47,040 And I was just at home starting something positive for positive 272 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:49,240 people. And now like maybe this is part 273 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:52,480 of the hero's journey. And when I say the hero's 274 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:57,120 journey, I mean like bad thing happens, person goes off into 275 00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:59,920 the world, my bad thing, maybe let's call it my herpes 276 00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:04,880 diagnosis, go out into the world and try and like conquer 277 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:07,600 something. Like finding a sense of purpose, 278 00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:13,000 which was living life. Like it wasn't really any more 279 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,760 complex than that. It was super simple. 280 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:19,400 And along the way, I got all these little bumps and bruises 281 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:23,480 and shit. And I've also picked up these 282 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:26,280 skills and these tools. I learned about simulated 283 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,400 patients. I learned that they don't they 284 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,400 don't talk about sex and sexual health. 285 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:36,120 I learned that there's like no men learning how to talk about 286 00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:40,560 sex and like being one of I don't know how many of us there 287 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:44,160 are, but as far as talking about sexual Health Communication, 288 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:47,160 right, it's just me. It's just my lived experiences. 289 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:52,680 And in these lived experiences, I see that there's tools and 290 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:56,320 resources that I wish that I had available, regardless of what 291 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:59,240 I've learned on my own, regardless of the trial and 292 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:03,080 error myself, and what I've just been able to pick up from 293 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:07,600 workshops and books and podcasts like it's not enough. 294 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:13,600 And I am in a very unique position to be able to. 295 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:18,560 Recreate and distribute those kind of things, more of those 296 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:21,160 kinds of things in the settings that matter, and give people the 297 00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:25,480 tools to be able to talk to men about their sex and sexual 298 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:28,680 health and all this other stuff. Like there's a lot of just 299 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,320 things that I've gotten sidetracked from and even this 300 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,200 podcast, probably like a sidetrack thing, but I think I 301 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:38,880 need to get this out. I need to say what I'm saying 302 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:42,960 right now for the sake of getting it off my chest. 303 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:48,360 I was listening to a Childish Gambino interview club, and he 304 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,920 was talking about working with Erykah Badu. 305 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,600 And he asked, he was like, you know, how do you do this? 306 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:57,040 Like the pressure of making great music for people? 307 00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:02,080 How do you make what they want? And she told her, she said, I, I 308 00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:04,520 feed them and how they eat it, it's up to them. 309 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,800 Like I make what I like to eat. They can eat it with a fork, 310 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,920 they can eat it fast, they can eat it while they're cleaning 311 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:12,800 it, whatever it is, like the, the product that is made is 312 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:18,360 making what I like, what I need. And they take it in how they 313 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:21,160 take it in. And that was a really powerful 314 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:27,160 quote for me because I've been also doing that both with people 315 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:32,800 end in my relationship with something positive for positive 316 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:34,520 people. I've been trying to do all these 317 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:37,800 events and it's hard to get people to show up to the events, 318 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:43,200 but I know damn well that like more of who follows and engages 319 00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:46,040 with something positive for positive people is it's global. 320 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:49,280 It's not just like, oh, I have such a large community in this 321 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,680 place. And you know, I feel that way 322 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:55,160 for sure about New York. Like New York is the website 323 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:59,160 numbers are there, but it's it's difficult to get people to show 324 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:01,440 up. I don't really have support from 325 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:07,080 support groups and the the dating site that exists. 326 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:10,640 So a lot of this is just guerrilla warfare, not warfare. 327 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:14,920 Oh my God, guerrilla marketing tactics, figuring this out on my 328 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,920 own. And when you figure things out 329 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:20,640 on your own, like you get good at figuring things out on your 330 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,480 own. And it also gets bored or not 331 00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:27,560 boring, challenging. Like I want to bring people in. 332 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:31,680 I want to bring somebody in to, to help and be more involved. 333 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:36,000 And I think that even among that, like I've gotten 334 00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:40,320 sidetracked from what's important here. 335 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:43,520 And what's most important here is that I serve the people 336 00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:46,720 directly affected by herpes and I advocate in the right spaces. 337 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:50,360 And also I got to take care of like my yoga therapy school 338 00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:53,680 stuff, which I've been neglecting. 339 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:56,640 Again, just grieving brain. I can say that now because of 340 00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:58,160 what I learned in yoga therapy school. 341 00:22:58,160 --> 00:22:59,760 So when they're like, where's your homework? 342 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:02,120 Like grieving brain, y'all taught me that. 343 00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:07,280 But no seriously, and it's it's tough as somebody who I was like 344 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:10,160 30 whenever the pandemic started, I think a little bit 345 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:13,320 after that I got into therapy and I'm back in therapy. 346 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:15,680 I took a two year break to do some things on my own. 347 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,440 Probably should have been in there the whole time, but money 348 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:22,680 and also like, I think it's important to be able to do 349 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:28,840 things on your own too, right? Like the integration versus 350 00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:33,760 implementation thing, right? Like there's a need to learn 351 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:37,960 things, but then we also have to be able to show that we've 352 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:42,080 learned something from them. And that's what I've been doing 353 00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:45,200 over the last almost two years. Yeah, probably a year and a half 354 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,120 more more. So it's been more so a year and 355 00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:51,360 a half since I've seen and talked to my therapist prior to 356 00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:53,200 like, getting back into it with them. 357 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:59,160 And yeah, I, he came at me and was like, here's what's going on 358 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:00,680 with you. And he hit me with the 359 00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:03,600 perspective of like something that was just deep down that I 360 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:07,400 kind of knew and I was in denial of. 361 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:11,080 And part of grieving is denial, bargaining. 362 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,120 And there's all these steps of it. 363 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:17,280 But what he touched on made me angry. 364 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:21,960 And this is one of the reasons that I do appreciate healing 365 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:25,920 modalities and, and, and therapy as well as my own self 366 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:29,400 reflective work because yeah, I can ask myself the questions. 367 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,800 I can find out like, why did I do this thing? 368 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:33,480 Oh, this is connected to this, right? 369 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:37,360 I can do all of that. But for somebody to because he 370 00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:41,440 he also a sassy gay black man. And he hit me with, he just hit 371 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:44,600 me with the real questions, the real statements, man like, like 372 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:51,320 nobody else can. And so I think that between 373 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:55,880 having experienced that anger and burning that up and how 374 00:24:55,880 --> 00:25:00,360 comes the, the sadness, I think that I need to feel sad. 375 00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:03,040 And I'm working with him on boundaries for myself. 376 00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:07,040 And I'm, I'm telling y'all this man, because if I don't just get 377 00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:11,080 this shit out right here right now, it's going to spill out in 378 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:13,600 podcast episodes in the future. It's going to spill out when 379 00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:15,200 y'all engage with me on social media. 380 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:18,480 I already just had a recent like back and forth with somebody 381 00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:21,160 where I was trying to be my like peppy self and shit. 382 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:26,120 And I think it was interpreted wrong just based on how the, the 383 00:25:26,120 --> 00:25:28,640 text, the messages went. And I could be completely wrong 384 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:34,840 because again, like grieving brain like it's, it's I need to 385 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:36,480 get to baseline. I need to get back to my 386 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:38,720 baseline. I know what I would normally 387 00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:42,600 like to do right now. I'm not going to do that thing 388 00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:46,400 or those things because they're not, they're not healthy 389 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:49,520 behaviors. So I'm making the space right 390 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:56,360 now to just feel, to just feel what it is that I need to. 391 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:07,720 Yeah, I, yeah. So without, I guess talking 392 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:11,720 specifically about it, because I don't want to, I don't, I don't 393 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:17,200 want to. And my reasoning for it is that 394 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:21,880 I know the core of what the issue is, what my issues are. 395 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:25,640 And this is what I plan to step away and work on for myself 396 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,360 because I'm going to be a better person as a whole for it. 397 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:33,280 And it'll show up in my work when I am able to get past this 398 00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:38,040 whole like being needless shit. Because it, it hasn't served me. 399 00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:42,880 It served me, but also it, it hasn't served me in a matter of 400 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:47,240 like most important, of what's most important, what's a 401 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:51,440 priority to me? Because also like, if you don't 402 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:54,000 know what your needs are, how can you prioritize them, right? 403 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:55,960 Because then everything's a priority. 404 00:26:55,960 --> 00:27:01,360 So nothing's a priority. So it's very critical for me 405 00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:04,320 right now to be able to step back, step away, go into the 406 00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:08,640 fortress of solitude for a little bit, and then lean into 407 00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:13,600 the people that have been supportive to me and like 408 00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:18,880 confide in them and and have these positively supportive and 409 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:24,280 healing modalities for me rather than coping strategies and 410 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:25,200 mechanisms. All right. 411 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:34,000 So yeah, there's a lot of things that I want to just pour out and 412 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:39,680 say, but I think that the pressure, it's depressurized a 413 00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:43,840 little bit me being able to come here and, you know, say these 414 00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:45,880 things. And while it didn't have 415 00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:48,280 anything to do with something positive for positive people 416 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:53,040 like herpes at all, like I think that me having to, you know, 417 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:55,200 cancel the interview that I should have been having right 418 00:27:55,200 --> 00:28:00,040 now on this recording, this Zoom meeting link and everything, I 419 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:02,800 think that that speaks volumes to it needing to come out 420 00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:06,360 consciously rather than unconsciously. 421 00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,520 And I push people away or turn people off from something 422 00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:12,840 positive. But yeah, this is me being real. 423 00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:15,800 Like, I don't like I, I even told the lady I was like, hey, 424 00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:18,880 this is really hard for me to cancel because I'm the kind of 425 00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:23,240 person who we set a date, we set a time like, let's show, let's 426 00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:24,600 do this. We got to do this. 427 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:28,680 And she was like, Nah, take care of yourself. 428 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:30,520 Like, I'll be here. We can reschedule. 429 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:36,200 And so I, I just, I took her up on that and I actually am kind 430 00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:39,520 of glad that I did because what if this shit came out then? 431 00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:44,440 Oh man, I can't imagine. She's just been sitting there 432 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:47,720 like, you want to talk to me about this? 433 00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:50,320 No, but I appreciate that. Her name's Thesia. 434 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:54,600 So when you see that podcast episode come up, we'll probably, 435 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:56,560 we'll probably have some laughs about that. 436 00:28:56,840 --> 00:29:02,560 But one thing I can say is that while, you know, I'm sad, like 437 00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:05,040 I'm also excited because I know what this means for me. 438 00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:10,120 I think that environment plays a huge role in things like I've 439 00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:15,880 been in New Jersey and I've been really fighting to, you know, 440 00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:23,000 like forcing myself into a bubble and environment community 441 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:30,960 that I haven't just naturally been able to fall into. 442 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:41,280 And I think that I've been very I've I've separated and created 443 00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:47,080 space for myself from what makes me happy, what play is for me. 444 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:50,440 I've very much consciously disconnected from what's play 445 00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:55,520 for me and immerse myself in the important, the heavy, the, the, 446 00:29:57,360 --> 00:30:01,440 the big stuff. And I've not allowed myself 447 00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:05,000 permission to play and engage with the small stuff. 448 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:09,200 I've been reading a lot about sexual energy as well. 449 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:12,760 Can I pull this up? Probably not. 450 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:16,160 Nope. Damn, I can't yeah, I can. 451 00:30:16,360 --> 00:30:20,560 I got to go back pretty far. So me and ChatGPT have been 452 00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:24,120 having a lot of conversations. So y'all, y'all probably heard 453 00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:26,960 about this like no FAP, don't masturbate, use your sexual 454 00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:30,840 energy this way, whatever. And something that I've been 455 00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:36,640 grasping with myself lately is sexual energy as a whole, like 456 00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:42,200 not just as sex intercourse, but as creativity, as vital life 457 00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:46,520 force, right? And I try to see like, well, 458 00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:48,920 what is it that I get out of sex, right? 459 00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:54,840 And it's not just sex like work relationships, right? 460 00:30:55,920 --> 00:31:00,600 I think that we have our energy and we pour what we pour into 461 00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:05,080 who and what we put into. And so for myself, for a really 462 00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:08,960 long time, I've poured into something positive for positive 463 00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:12,160 people, what I would have to give into a relationship. 464 00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:17,080 And when relationships would come up historically, like I 465 00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:19,400 wouldn't prioritize their relationship. 466 00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:25,840 And that would be, I think like why some of them if not gone 467 00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:28,520 anywhere because obviously I've been in relationships. 468 00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:36,080 But when I look at how I've not how I've been historically 469 00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:39,240 showing up, like I've been able to really hit the gas on 470 00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:42,640 something positive for positive people and then make space for 471 00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:45,520 play. I'd always have something, 472 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:49,560 someone, somewhere to look forward to and have like 473 00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:53,840 immersive weekends or time of engaging in that sexual energy, 474 00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:57,440 whether that be in a sex down South, sex down South is a great 475 00:31:57,440 --> 00:32:00,880 example. Or if it's like meeting up with 476 00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:05,000 a partner and just being able to chill and relax and just 477 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:08,120 experience the pleasantness of, you know, good company. 478 00:32:08,520 --> 00:32:15,000 And I've for a really long time just been trying to like force 479 00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:20,440 that that kind of energy for myself in ways that I haven't 480 00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:23,920 before. And I think part of me was just 481 00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:29,320 like, this is actually what is good for me, right? 482 00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:32,680 Like not doing those things is going to be better for me 483 00:32:32,680 --> 00:32:34,880 because those things are bad because they're externally 484 00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:37,440 driven. But then also within a 485 00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:40,840 relationship with myself, my partner or well, not myself, my 486 00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:45,440 partner or my business, then it's still like seeking that 487 00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:47,640 feeling, that sensation externally. 488 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:51,320 And till Swan is somebody I follow on YouTube, always listen 489 00:32:51,320 --> 00:32:54,000 to her YouTube shorts. And one of the things that she 490 00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:57,000 said is like, she's very counterculture in spirituality, 491 00:32:57,000 --> 00:33:00,240 which I really like because of the unconventionality of it. 492 00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:03,480 And one of the things that she says is like, we, we need 493 00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:05,480 people. Like we don't learn lessons 494 00:33:05,480 --> 00:33:08,320 without people. So these external things that we 495 00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:12,200 get our needs met from or what it is that we need, like we 496 00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:16,320 shouldn't be demonized for it. And that really gave me a sense 497 00:33:16,320 --> 00:33:20,360 of lightness and a sense of relief because I didn't know 498 00:33:20,720 --> 00:33:23,920 what I didn't know that I was OK. 499 00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:29,600 Like I felt like it was wrong for me to be who I am or for who 500 00:33:29,600 --> 00:33:31,360 I've become. Like, I think that's the worst 501 00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:35,880 shit in the world is when somebody makes you feel like who 502 00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:39,080 you are or is bad, especially when you've worked so hard to 503 00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:41,760 become who you are. It's not like I just looked up 504 00:33:41,760 --> 00:33:45,400 and you know, I was this person, right? 505 00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:50,040 Like this took a lot of work and a lot of the work that I've done 506 00:33:50,040 --> 00:33:52,120 in order to become this. Like this shit ain't easy. 507 00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:55,960 Don't nobody fucking teach you how to do this. 508 00:33:56,520 --> 00:33:59,480 Don't nobody is. Resources are out there. 509 00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:01,600 It's stuff out there. But then like you read some 510 00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:05,760 shit, you find out that so and so is not who they say they are. 511 00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:07,640 And that discredits everything that they've done. 512 00:34:07,640 --> 00:34:10,960 And now you got to find somebody else, find something else to go 513 00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:16,320 into. And man, it's been I, I just, I 514 00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:22,040 don't, I don't like that feeling. 515 00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:26,280 I, I think now like I'm uncovering some new stuff here. 516 00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:35,800 I don't like the feeling of, I don't like the feeling of like 517 00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:39,239 identity invalidation. God damn, that's what it is. 518 00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:44,040 So I, I talk about how I've learned, you know what, why 519 00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:49,639 people have suicide ideation. And it's that I think that it's 520 00:34:49,639 --> 00:34:52,639 an invalidation of identity. Not to say that I have suicide 521 00:34:52,639 --> 00:34:58,320 ideation, but the feelings that I have are an intense resistance 522 00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:05,040 to my environment as it is like my environment in a way of like 523 00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:12,840 consciously trying to view what I've learned to view as good as 524 00:35:13,320 --> 00:35:18,680 bad so that I can do something better or different that's 525 00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:20,840 supposed to be healthier or better. 526 00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:27,000 And I got to, I got to get back into myself because I don't 527 00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:29,800 believe that. And there's a direct conflict of 528 00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:31,800 behaviors and beliefs within myself. 529 00:35:32,720 --> 00:35:38,320 And the environment that I'm in is like forcing me to recognize 530 00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:42,000 and acknowledge that now. And there's a lot of shit that's 531 00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:47,400 just like happening in here in my inner world, as a result of 532 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:49,760 my external world. In my external world, when I've 533 00:35:49,760 --> 00:35:52,560 been alone has been fucking hard. 534 00:35:53,040 --> 00:35:56,440 It's been really, really difficult. 535 00:35:57,520 --> 00:36:00,560 But I've made it. I've made it. 536 00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:05,680 And I think that in those moments, like I've, I've worn 537 00:36:05,680 --> 00:36:11,080 myself out emotionally because of course the grass always look 538 00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:13,880 greener on the other side. When you single, social media 539 00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:15,600 tell you how awesome the relationship is. 540 00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:17,760 When you're in a relationship, social media tell you what 541 00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:19,280 you're missing out on being single. 542 00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:27,800 And that's just unfortunately how the algorithm works. 543 00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:30,920 It plays on our emotional states. 544 00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:34,920 And I think people do that shit too. 545 00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:38,320 People are taught by the algorithm like what's good, 546 00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:40,600 what's bad, what's cool, what's popular, right? 547 00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:48,600 And people's own inner beliefs have like their own conflicts. 548 00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:52,600 And we deal with those sometimes by projecting them. 549 00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:54,960 We might project them on our businesses, we might project 550 00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:58,160 them on people closest to us or the communities that we're part 551 00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:03,080 of. And I, I feel like that's 552 00:37:03,080 --> 00:37:07,160 something that I've, I've done, like I've been doing that and 553 00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:12,160 it's not mine. It's what I mean by like my 554 00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:13,960 environment. I've been listening to Napoleon 555 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:15,720 Hills outwitting the Devil again. 556 00:37:16,080 --> 00:37:18,680 And he talks about these 7 principles, right? 557 00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:22,360 One of them is definiteness of purpose, exercise and caution. 558 00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:26,640 How important our environment is self-discipline, mastering the 559 00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:30,840 emotion of sex, harmony, especially in our relationships. 560 00:37:31,240 --> 00:37:34,120 I do not remember what number 7 is. 561 00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:38,200 I always forget the seven, whether it be one of those ones 562 00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:40,480 that I just said or the one that I didn't say. 563 00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:47,840 But in that what motorcycle or bike? 564 00:37:47,880 --> 00:37:51,920 OK, excuse me, sidetracked grieving brain, right squirrel. 565 00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:57,200 But in reviewing those, right, like I'm, I'm looking at myself 566 00:37:57,200 --> 00:38:01,640 and I'm like, damn, you know, I've been doing a lot of, of not 567 00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:08,360 those things. And environment has been a 568 00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:11,880 really key part for me. Like I have not been able to be 569 00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:16,360 myself in the environment that I've been in and it's just not 570 00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:21,920 been conducive to me. It's not been something that I 571 00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:24,680 have been able to maintain my momentum of growth. 572 00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:28,000 And I believed something for myself that maybe doing 573 00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:32,600 something different was growing. Maybe like I outgrew things like 574 00:38:32,720 --> 00:38:39,240 sex positivity or non monogamy or like the being active on 575 00:38:39,240 --> 00:38:45,360 social media and Instagram. I really, I really think that 576 00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:51,400 like that is part of why I'm grieving right now is that my 577 00:38:51,400 --> 00:39:01,320 beliefs change because I really wanted something that I think 578 00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:04,960 that there, that I was convinced that there was only one way to 579 00:39:04,960 --> 00:39:07,320 get. And I think that's bullshit 580 00:39:08,040 --> 00:39:11,760 because I've worked so hard to learn that that's not the case, 581 00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:16,800 to unlearn that as the case and then to learn that to like have 582 00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:20,920 to now unlearn those things and like relearn that what I knew in 583 00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:22,600 the beginning was actually right. 584 00:39:22,600 --> 00:39:24,040 It just needed to be done different. 585 00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:31,720 No, no, like I, I'm way more powerful than that. 586 00:39:32,000 --> 00:39:35,360 Like, I'm not, you know, I think I said this earlier, I'm only 587 00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:39,640 human, but I'm not like I'm, I really truly believe that, you 588 00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:45,320 know, this body is the vehicle of experiencing this part of 589 00:39:45,320 --> 00:39:48,840 whatever it is, the electrical current that runs through the 590 00:39:48,840 --> 00:39:53,400 nervous system of this body that is moving and speaking and 591 00:39:53,880 --> 00:39:57,840 having the experience. And I really, you know, I'm 592 00:39:57,840 --> 00:40:00,360 working to not identify with anything because that's what all 593 00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:04,320 the spiritual teachers say to do, like unidentified with that 594 00:40:04,320 --> 00:40:09,400 which you are identified and. It's like my environment has 595 00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:14,200 tried to like, force me into identifying with a lot of things 596 00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:18,680 and trying to get me to unidentify with things that, you 597 00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:22,920 know, that that have actually served me. 598 00:40:24,240 --> 00:40:34,000 So yeah, I don't, I don't have any desire to go into like 599 00:40:34,160 --> 00:40:36,920 specifics of things. I'm not, I'm not good at that. 600 00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:39,720 I know what I feel. I know what I experienced. 601 00:40:39,720 --> 00:40:44,200 I know what I've experienced and also understand that feelings 602 00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:47,120 are subjective and that people can experience completely 603 00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:50,800 different things from the same exact situation just based on 604 00:40:50,800 --> 00:40:54,840 their proximity to the core of whatever it is. 605 00:40:55,320 --> 00:41:00,240 And so I feel like that's where I'm at right now is needing to 606 00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:08,560 change my environment. I need to really self not 607 00:41:08,560 --> 00:41:12,240 abandoned, whatever, whatever the opposite of self abandonment 608 00:41:12,240 --> 00:41:18,000 is, do that and be present with myself, be present with my 609 00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:20,840 grief, be present with my healing process, be present with 610 00:41:20,840 --> 00:41:25,520 my purpose and be present in delivering the things that I 611 00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:30,320 promised that I was going to deliver and really make make 612 00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:33,000 work what I know I can make work. 613 00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:38,280 And just yeah, that's this. This is just going to be the 614 00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:41,880 upcoming challenge. So if y'all listen to this, I 615 00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:45,800 want to just express my gratitude for your willingness 616 00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:49,360 to hear me. And listen, you know, if any of 617 00:41:49,360 --> 00:41:52,440 this resonates with y'all, like I don't know that I really need, 618 00:41:52,680 --> 00:41:57,640 you know, the sorry, what's going on If you if you follow 619 00:41:57,640 --> 00:42:03,320 me, you know, but yeah, I'm not, I don't want to feed that. 620 00:42:03,360 --> 00:42:06,480 I want to feed what's happening moving forward. 621 00:42:07,080 --> 00:42:10,520 Again, yoga therapy, the peer support calls, the podcast, and 622 00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:13,800 then my training for health professionals focusing on yoga 623 00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:16,880 therapy training and working part time as I can with the 624 00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:18,880 priority being my own personal healing. 625 00:42:19,640 --> 00:42:23,960 So I hope you all continue to rock with your boys, support 626 00:42:23,960 --> 00:42:28,720 something positive and and yeah, whenever I do have any virtual 627 00:42:28,840 --> 00:42:31,520 event type things, I hope that y'all will attend. 628 00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:36,280 I would love to see y'all there, but I definitely I need to stop 629 00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:37,440 trying to work with other people. 630 00:42:37,440 --> 00:42:40,720 I'm I'm over. I'm I almost said something. 631 00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:44,760 I need to just trust myself. I need to trust myself. 632 00:42:44,840 --> 00:42:47,680 That's what we're going to say, but we got this survey still up 633 00:42:47,680 --> 00:42:49,960 and running on the Herpes survey tab. 634 00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:53,000 So if you check that out and please contribute, partake in 635 00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:55,080 the survey. We need as many responses as we 636 00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:58,600 can get so that we can show that we're speaking from the 637 00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:00,240 experiences that y'all are sharing. 638 00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:06,120 Again, tomorrow, Thursday at 7:00 PM, we're at the house in 639 00:43:06,120 --> 00:43:09,120 Brooklyn, NY. Me and Tricia, AKA Safe Slut. 640 00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:11,760 We're going to be hosting an in person social event. 641 00:43:12,040 --> 00:43:14,840 Just something for people with herpes, people who follow her, 642 00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:18,200 people who follow me. Come grab a drink, say hi, start 643 00:43:18,200 --> 00:43:24,440 a conversation, and then yeah, that's, that's it y'all. 644 00:43:24,680 --> 00:43:28,080 Thank y'all for letting me grieve and letting this be like 645 00:43:28,080 --> 00:43:32,000 an act of grief instead of me bitching on social media about 646 00:43:32,040 --> 00:43:36,080 some bullshit or being on there and responding to things and all 647 00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:42,280 of that. This is this is my one of my 648 00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:46,560 part of my space and healing and all that good stuff. 649 00:43:46,560 --> 00:43:52,000 All right, so till next time, the next podcast episode, I'll 650 00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:54,520 be in a different environment and I'll probably be in a 651 00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:58,160 different mood. So just bear with me as I get my 652 00:43:58,160 --> 00:44:00,440 shit back together, y'all, because it's not together. 653 00:44:00,440 --> 00:44:03,880 I'm not OK. All right y'all, till next time.