1 00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:05,560 Hello, welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. 2 00:00:05,560 --> 00:00:07,840 I'm Courtney Brain. Something Positive for Positive 3 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:10,000 People. It's a 501-C3 nonprofit 4 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,360 organization supporting people who are navigating herpes 5 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:14,160 statement. I want to make a couple of 6 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,920 announcements real quick, and I will try and keep this as brief 7 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:20,800 as possible as we approach our 400th podcast episode. 8 00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:26,240 I believe this one's 388. So we're about 12 weeks out from 9 00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:30,800 that event, which we will be celebrating Episode 400. 10 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:33,960 It's a talent show slash karaoke. 11 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:35,960 If you follow me on Instagram, you know, I've been on the 12 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:39,200 karaoke kick lately. I've been practicing dancing. 13 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:42,240 So yeah, I might get up there and show a little show a little 14 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:45,040 something off, you know? And this is going to be December 15 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:48,760 12th in Brooklyn, NY. The address will be given upon 16 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:54,480 registration. The zip code is, I believe 11206 17 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:57,280 is is close to there. It's close to there if you're 18 00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:01,120 familiar with New York. If you Google The House NYC or 19 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:04,000 The House Brooklyn, then you'll know where it is, but that's the 20 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:07,000 venue. It's on Friday, December 12th 21 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:10,880 from 5:00 PM to 9:00 PM and this is something that I would like 22 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:14,640 to be able to do more often. I just created a landing page 23 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:18,200 for people who stumble across something positive when they 24 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:21,360 look for herpes related things in New York City to be able to 25 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:24,000 find community 'cause I like doing that kind of shit things. 26 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:27,800 I like doing those kinds of things and I want to do it more 27 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:31,600 regularly with people that I think are supportive to the 28 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:35,040 cause of minimizing herpes stigma, who, you know, really 29 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:38,120 just want to like take this and learn from it and be able to 30 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:41,600 heal and move forward. On Mondays at 7:30 PM. 31 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:45,520 Eastern Time, we have our virtual herpes support groups. 32 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:48,920 There's one for women, there's one for men, and they alternate. 33 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:52,520 So the first and third Monday women, the second and fourth 34 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:56,160 men. I had someone send me a text 35 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,280 actually and I was very surprised that this came from 36 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:02,360 this person about the way that I promoted the groups on TikTok 37 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:06,760 specifically and I thought that I just was exaggerating that the 38 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,360 groups were separated. Men group, women's group. 39 00:02:09,639 --> 00:02:14,200 I don't have the experience nor do I have the resources to be 40 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:18,320 able to facilitate a non binary or trans only group. 41 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:22,760 I didn't think I needed to say this, but if you're a trans man, 42 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:24,200 you would come to the men's group. 43 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:27,080 If you're a trans woman, you would come to the women's group. 44 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,880 Before identities that fall outside of men and women, there 45 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:34,440 is not something that isn't like created that only tailors to 46 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:37,680 those identities. So yeah, I don't know if that 47 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:40,520 was misinterpreted at all, but I like to think that over the last 48 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:46,280 eight years I've shown some type of allyship and understanding. 49 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:51,680 But yeah, I don't know, maybe it was just my exaggeration on men 50 00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:53,200 and women that was misinterpreted. 51 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,400 But the support groups are there, and there are also 52 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:59,960 alternatives for people who are looking for more queer and LGBT 53 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,680 experiences. I have that linked on the 54 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:06,480 website as well. And I think that's it as far as 55 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:08,960 announcements go. If I think of anything else at 56 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:11,960 the end of the podcast episode, I will, if I don't forget it, 57 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:14,440 mention it. If you haven't already taken the 58 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,560 survey, just go to the survey tab on the site. 59 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:19,080 There's a banner up right now that is easy to find. 60 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:22,760 It pops up in your face when you go to the website to take our 61 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:26,560 survey. All right now I have a guest. 62 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:30,200 I put that podcast episode out and I was like, yo, I need help. 63 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,040 Like I, I, I'm I'm running out of stuff to talk about, running 64 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,680 out of things to say. I can start sharing my 65 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:39,040 experiences, but I'll be honest, I'm I've been a little bit 66 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:43,600 hesitant to be as open about my personal experiences because 67 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:47,680 I've been out of a relationship now for seven months. 68 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:48,960 I think the breakup was in February. 69 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:52,040 It's been seven months. It's been like I've moved on and 70 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:56,480 there is a healing process, but like there's still a remnants of 71 00:03:56,480 --> 00:04:00,880 me that is a little bit hesitant and resistant to share my dating 72 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:03,560 experiences and like what's happening for me. 73 00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:07,480 If you've listened to other podcast episodes, you know why. 74 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:11,600 But yeah, I, I some, I've been called out for hiding in a way. 75 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:15,520 So it's ain't me, you know, necessarily doing that, but I'm 76 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:21,640 just figuring out ways to respectfully for the like 77 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,720 respecting the integrity of the relationships that I have, as 78 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:30,120 well as being mindful of, like not putting myself in a position 79 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:33,480 for somebody to think that they know me and then kind of get 80 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:36,560 into my life in such a way. Like I, I, I got to be careful 81 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,720 with that. And so I'm working on how to 82 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,200 navigate that. And really in therapy, he's like 83 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:46,600 my therapist who I can't stand. Shout out to Derek, but he's 84 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,160 right. Like he's great at his job. 85 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:50,400 I can't say I'm my therapist, but he's great at his job. 86 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:56,040 He's been telling me, hey, you, you really just need to you, you 87 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:59,880 do what's for you and you can't be not doing what's best for you 88 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,560 because of your concerns about other people. 89 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:05,320 And I'm like, ah, that's so much easier said than that. 90 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,240 But we got a podcast guest here that is probably going to 91 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,720 reflect back to me the importance of that. 92 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:15,120 So I'm going to let you introduce yourself how you want 93 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,720 to be introduced. And then of course, first 94 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,560 question is how do we connect? And we'll just go into the 95 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,040 conversation from there. But I'm rusty, so give me, give 96 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:23,880 me great. Perfect. 97 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:29,080 Yeah, I'm Rachel and I it's funny you mention your therapist 98 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:32,000 because that's how I found out about something positive for 99 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:35,720 positive people. I am obsessed with my therapist. 100 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:38,880 She is a gem of a human, even though she also does frustrate 101 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,720 me, but I love her and she texted me, which I feel like 102 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:44,280 when you get to a texting relationship with your 103 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:45,400 therapist, you're like, this is real. 104 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,680 So she texted me and she's like, not sure if you've heard of 105 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:50,280 this. Like I feel like for homework, 106 00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:52,120 maybe check it out. And I'm like, great. 107 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:55,760 And I went to the website and it was immediately just like, it 108 00:05:55,760 --> 00:06:00,120 was the first time experiencing something of like similar to 109 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:03,280 this. And I just feel like it was, to 110 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:06,160 sound slightly cheesy, like the most like positive initial 111 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:09,760 experience I had kind of since getting the diagnosis and 112 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:13,360 feeling like there's just so few resources or so few people I can 113 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:17,040 connect with. And so I pretty quickly like 114 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,840 signed up to do a support call. So you and I connected through 115 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:22,840 that Channel and weirdly, I think I mentioned before, I was 116 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:26,040 like, right when I went to the website, I was so drawn to like 117 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,840 be a podcast guest because I like to do podcasts and I work 118 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:32,880 in a different industry and I just like love to talk and hop 119 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,400 on podcasts. And I think this is so 120 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,600 important. And the podcast episodes I have 121 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:41,800 listened to, it has genuinely been so valuable for me because 122 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:45,520 I think anyone to date that I've shared with in the past two plus 123 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:49,560 years since I've had the diagnosis, they don't personally 124 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:51,840 share the experience. And so I think the benefit of 125 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:55,640 being able to hear people's stories and talk to people. 126 00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:58,720 Like after the support call, I said to my therapist, I was 127 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:01,120 like, it was like catching up with someone and talking about a 128 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:02,760 new restaurant we had both been to. 129 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:06,920 And like the normalcy of how that felt was so important for I 130 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:10,880 think where I was at and where I want to continue to get to and 131 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:13,400 be. Because again, I think it's like 132 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,520 the deep down of like, it's not a big deal, but the stigma's 133 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,920 pretty bad. And I think just continuing to 134 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:23,200 do the work and do the things to be in a better place kind of 135 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,400 internally and, and kind of, you know, who I choose to share it 136 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,320 with and, and all that good stuff. 137 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:32,720 So. Can I record that for a 138 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,000 commercial? No, I'm just kidding. 139 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:35,280 Sure. Thank. 140 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:41,080 You for that I I just appreciate the process. 141 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:44,000 Shout out to your therapist. I'm glad that these resources 142 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:50,160 are making it to the people that are the initial contact points 143 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:53,480 of being able to get people going into the direction of 144 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:58,200 talking about this. So in your case, you obviously 145 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,680 shared with your therapist that you have herpes and I hear from 146 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,640 a lot of people that they don't want to do that. 147 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,920 Typically they don't want to ruin the relationship or to be 148 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,400 judged by their therapist. And I'm just like, what else 149 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:10,800 aren't you telling your? Therapist. 150 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:11,560 Yeah. Yeah. 151 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,480 In your case, what inspired you to share this with your 152 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,640 therapist? Just for anybody listening who 153 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:20,560 might not want to do that. Yes, that is that's actually so 154 00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:23,240 interesting because I there wasn't even a thought in my 155 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:25,560 mind. It was the first person 156 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:27,560 potentially. It's like hard to look back. 157 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:32,679 I received the diagnosis and I received like a pamphlet that 158 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,880 was like your life's not over for back the factor and I was 159 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,840 like opposite effect. This is having currently in my 160 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,600 life and I kind of like panicked. 161 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,919 I'm in shock. I'm dealing with the emotions of 162 00:08:42,919 --> 00:08:44,360 it. And I text my therapist. 163 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:46,120 I'm like, hey, we're going to need to bump it up to weekly 164 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:47,400 appointments. And I didn't tell her in the 165 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:51,520 message, but I was like, I knew mentally I need like as 166 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:52,920 frequently as I can see this woman. 167 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:57,280 And the hard part was at the time of the diagnosis and as 168 00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,800 this is all happening, I was newly laid off. 169 00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:02,800 I was like going through a lot of other things in my life where 170 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:06,560 I think there was already the stress of like affording, I 171 00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:08,440 mean, life, but but also therapy. 172 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,280 And so I think that's the other reason where I'm grateful I have 173 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,200 a really solid therapist, a good relationship with her where 174 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:14,640 she's like, I don't want that to be a barrier. 175 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,040 Whatever you can pay, you can pay. 176 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,240 We'll make it work kind of thing. 177 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:20,720 So I'm lucky in that regard. But she was one of the first 178 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:24,360 people that I at least tapped of like me kind of just starting to 179 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:26,320 build my network because I didn't tell. 180 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:28,760 It took me a long time to tell anyone. 181 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:32,560 Like I just kind of sat with it and basically was just talking 182 00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:35,360 to her about it, you know, dealing with the emotions and 183 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:39,040 then it from there. Still have kept it fairly close. 184 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:41,600 But you know, told two of my best friends, told my mom and 185 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:44,760 sister, told a person I ended up then dating. 186 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:47,720 So, you know, it's there's like 6 people in my life that know, 187 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:51,320 which feels wild. But I'm grateful that like she's 188 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:55,520 one of them and she's certainly helped me progress. 189 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:59,320 And I guess just like my experience with the internal 190 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:02,840 stigma and just like working on different ways to feel better 191 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:06,480 about the situation. Yeah, you, you just mentioned 192 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:10,080 something that I I struggled with with therapy cost barrier. 193 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:13,640 So for me, on one hand, it was like, OK, I need to like save my 194 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:18,160 money, but also if I'm not in a good place to be able to do the 195 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:22,320 things I need to do to make money, then whereas it, it's a 196 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,360 paradox, right? I need therapy so I can afford 197 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:27,600 therapy, but I can't afford therapy. 198 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,000 And because of that, I need therapy as well. 199 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:34,760 And what I've found is that I, I have found someone who works for 200 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:38,880 me and works with me because a lot of things ebb and flow. 201 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:42,960 Like we are in a time where the government is currently shut 202 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,800 down here in the United States and a lot of people are having 203 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:47,760 to go to work and they're not being paid. 204 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,480 There's things to do, you know, around that. 205 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:53,360 But I everybody don't have access to that. 206 00:10:53,680 --> 00:11:00,120 And so I guess like, what for you made the paying for therapy 207 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:05,440 more of a priority than perhaps other things that you might have 208 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:09,200 used your money for to cope or just like get by? 209 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:14,800 Yeah, I think it's a funny, it hasn't always been that way. 210 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,800 I think like I was introduced to therapy at a really young age 211 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,760 and I like hated it. And I was always like really 212 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:23,960 anti therapy and then took kind of like a hiatus for a while and 213 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,800 just like went through some therapists I didn't love. 214 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,920 And so found this woman and just immediately like we, we just 215 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,680 clicked right away, which I do think is helpful and can be hard 216 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:36,080 to find, but it was 1 where it's hard to identify exactly what it 217 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:37,280 was. I think it was just something 218 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:41,240 where in the exact moment that I got the results back from the 219 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:46,200 test and saw the diagnosis of herpes, I quite literally within 220 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,480 an hour texted my therapist. It just was so immediate. 221 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:52,560 And it was like, weirdly, the financial component was kind of 222 00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:55,640 out of my head because I think it was a dire feeling of like, 223 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:57,400 it did feel like my life was over. 224 00:11:57,400 --> 00:12:00,560 I think like in that moment, I was like, this is like the worst 225 00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:02,720 case scenario. This is, you know, the dramatic 226 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:06,160 thing I've played up in my head for whatever reason. 227 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:09,960 And I think in in that moment, yeah, I knew I was like, I am, 228 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:13,080 you know, don't have a job, have a new health diagnosis. 229 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,640 I like a lot of things are happening in my world that I was 230 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:18,880 like, well, I need to be OK and I need to take care of me to 231 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,760 then be able to do all these other things. 232 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:25,880 And so that was, I mean, completely just worth it in that 233 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,640 moment. And I think I'm also grateful in 234 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,200 that like, I rent, I don't have a car payment. 235 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,400 I don't, you know, I don't have these other major expenses. 236 00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:36,200 So I was able to make it work. And, you know, who knows where I 237 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:39,000 saved money on less coffees and food or different things. 238 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:44,920 But so we need to work that way. Yeah, thank you for sharing 239 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:47,720 that. For me, I think that what it 240 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:51,200 came down to was I just had to inconvenience myself a little 241 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:54,960 bit in other areas where I did end up going to the grocery 242 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:58,000 store more consistently and I started to cook more. 243 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:01,320 But these were also things that I enjoyed and liked doing, 244 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,480 right? Like maybe I don't go out to a 245 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,720 restaurant or maybe like I, I, oh, I don't have time. 246 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,240 I need to da, da, da. All they did was make me plan 247 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:13,480 differently. Like I had to make plans for how 248 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:17,440 I was going to eat and then grocery shop and then like being 249 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,760 mindful of laundry and the cost of those things. 250 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:23,080 Because it, there's a lot of stuff that if we're not paying 251 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:27,200 attention to it, like those subscriptions, they add up. 252 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:31,960 And I notice why am I paying $200 for a phone bill when 253 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,760 everything that I need can cost me as low as 40 something 254 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:38,320 dollars a month, right? So, yeah, I, I, I feel that. 255 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:39,960 And that was kind of my thing too. 256 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:45,720 And it was a cycle of doing what I needed to do for myself. 257 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:49,840 Let me be able to do more for myself. 258 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:53,840 It's like the more you do a thing, the better you get at it. 259 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:58,000 And I think that going into therapy made me better for 260 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:02,080 wanting to be in therapy and then being in therapy made me 261 00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:06,000 better at doing the things that outside of there. 262 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,320 I have one more question related to therapy and then I want to 263 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:15,360 know what brought you here. And that is something that I've 264 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:19,680 struggled with in the past, has been becoming too dependent on 265 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,560 my therapist, right? You got your diagnosis where 266 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:22,960 you're like, let me text my therapist. 267 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:26,520 Where at what point? Like if we're in a situation 268 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:30,880 where you know something's happening real time, Oh my God, 269 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:33,640 I didn't tell my therapist. And then we wait a week to like 270 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:37,400 deal with the thing or bring it up and nothing's happening with 271 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:38,960 it. We're just in kind of a time out 272 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,640 until we talk to therapy and then come back to it. 273 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:45,760 Where's the line between that and the progression of your 274 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:50,000 experience in therapy to where when you're touched with a 275 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,840 situation that you would normally like need to talk to 276 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:55,400 your therapist about, you're able to address there? 277 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,360 Do you have any words about that? 278 00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,600 I do. I think it's one where I think 279 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:05,160 even beyond like being more like frequently going to therapy or 280 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,520 just, you know, really finding the right person, I'm always 281 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,760 someone who I'm just like fascinated by like mental health 282 00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:13,280 and psychology and all the like. I've always like exclusively 283 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,760 kind of like read nonfiction on that topic. 284 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,920 So I think I'm someone who like, I almost didn't maybe even give 285 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,280 myself credit. Like I know the tools, like I 286 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:24,440 know the things that are like valuable and helpful when like 287 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,960 something, you know, comes up that's outside of my control, 288 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:30,520 which is life. And I feel like it's, I love 289 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:34,320 having like the progression and the relationship and the like 290 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,440 camaraderie almost with like this therapist that I've now 291 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,120 been going to for almost like 5 years at this point. 292 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:43,840 But I also like she even has had in her own personal life like 293 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:46,040 things lately where we've had to like push out appointments. 294 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:47,760 And there was like a big gap recently. 295 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:51,320 And it's like I was OK. And I was able to kind of make 296 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,080 those things work. And I still want to stay 297 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:56,480 consistent with it. But I think it's kind of like, I 298 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,160 think there's a timeline, at least for me. 299 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,520 And I like to imagine other people experience that if like 300 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,720 you're going to therapy and you're checking that box and 301 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,640 you're doing that thing and you're investing in it. 302 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:09,560 But it's like then also taking that and like doing the things 303 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:11,320 that you're learning and that you're talking about. 304 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:12,920 And I think there's unfortunately a little bit of 305 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:14,880 lag time there. But I think now I'm at a point 306 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:18,880 where it's like, I've been in it for so long and I so like even a 307 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:23,320 lot more recently, I was like, I am so tired of like feeling the 308 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:26,880 way that I feel about this diagnosis that I cannot change 309 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:30,840 and cannot cure. So I just want to figure out 310 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:32,520 what I need to do to feel better. 311 00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:34,640 And I know that's not just me going to therapy. 312 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:38,440 Like that includes other things. Yeah. 313 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:41,760 Thank you. And that that works because I 314 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:45,400 was, we made this joke with a friend of mine, like we both 315 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:49,680 stopped going to therapy before we got into a relationship and 316 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,280 we talked and we were like, man, if we were in therapy throughout 317 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:54,400 that relationship, we wouldn't have been in that relationship. 318 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:58,360 And that, that the conversations that my therapist and I have 319 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:01,920 been having like to process the ending of that relationship 320 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:05,920 because I've been seeing them sometimes twice a week and other 321 00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:07,000 time. Well, now we're in. 322 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:11,599 Now at this point it's every other week just because like 323 00:17:11,599 --> 00:17:14,520 there's not much to talk about for me week to week. 324 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:18,280 And what we're working on just doesn't require every week 325 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,680 sessions anymore, which I'm grateful for because right like 326 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:24,800 now and start, you know, putting my money towards other things. 327 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:28,079 Like I was able to get a massage last night and that felt good. 328 00:17:28,079 --> 00:17:30,600 Like I needed that deep tissue. And yeah, yeah. 329 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:34,920 It was good for me. So let's talk about, you know, 330 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:40,840 your diagnosis, 23rd 2023 of August, right after The Dirty 331 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:42,520 30. That takes a whole new meaning 332 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:45,400 to The Dirty 30, don't it? Sure does it sure does. 333 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,960 And I'm grateful that it was after my 30th because I feel 334 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,440 like I was like I like celebrated my 30th and that it 335 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:55,000 was like quick like quick after. But all that to say, it was in 336 00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:56,760 my experience, there was like a build up to it. 337 00:17:56,760 --> 00:18:00,880 So I, you know, obviously looking back didn't know in the 338 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:06,400 moment that this happened, but I got BV 1st and I never had that 339 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:08,640 before. And so like went to the doctor. 340 00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,840 I think I got like an antibiotic to clear that up, but I had a 341 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,400 really negative reaction to that antibiotic. 342 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:18,200 I started having like Vertigo and just feeling like absolute 343 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,960 shit. And so to offset that I was on, 344 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,480 I was basically for three months just like so, so sick. 345 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:28,160 So it was like BV strep throat reactions to this medication 346 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,320 that I was taking. I'm weirdly sensitive to any and 347 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:32,200 all medication always. So it was not great. 348 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:37,040 And then even after all that, I was noticing like some 349 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,800 discomfort and like a sore that I had never experienced before. 350 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,800 And of course I'm researching to be like, what else could it? 351 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,920 Because I think like my, my mind went there, but I was like, no, 352 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:47,480 no, like this can't be what that is. 353 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,880 And so I like messaged my doctor and she's like, I would like for 354 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,160 you to come in so I can check this out. 355 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,480 It sounds like immediately she's like, it sounds like herpes. 356 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:58,000 And I was like, and so go in, do the test. 357 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:01,200 I think at the time I, and I was surprised I did this, but I 358 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,440 think I even reached out to my mom and I was like going, she 359 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,160 knew how sick I had been. And I was like going through all 360 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:06,520 this. There's a chance it could be 361 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:07,480 this. I'm freaking out. 362 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,080 Can you come into the city? And when I get the results, like 363 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:13,560 we can like open them together because I'm so nervous about it. 364 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:15,600 And then I like couldn't end up waiting. 365 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,360 So like I, I ended up like opening it and seeing the the 366 00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:21,000 result and she like got in and I like shared it with her. 367 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,720 But I mean, it was like this drawn out process in so many 368 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,920 ways, just of all the different things like my body was going 369 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,160 through and I was going through and I was feeling awful. 370 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:33,000 And then it like all kind of like looking back, it was all 371 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:37,200 related. And it was after like a night, a 372 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:41,440 long day of day drinking turned into a girls night turned into 373 00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:44,640 another like it was like an unfortunately messy like now, 374 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:47,000 this was not from someone that I was in a relationship with. 375 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:50,960 This is someone I met that day. This is someone that, you know, 376 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:55,600 looking back took advantage of. I was lit like just absolutely. 377 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,480 So like there's definitely like also trauma included in, you 378 00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:00,840 know, the diagnosis itself. Like there that was hard for me 379 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:04,800 to kind of get past. But I think it's also looking 380 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:08,000 back now. It's something that, you know, 381 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,400 in, in all things. I'm like, OK, let's see. 382 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:12,400 I try to see, I try to stay positive. 383 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,160 I try to see a silver lining and things. 384 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:15,680 And I think it's taking some time. 385 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:20,440 But it's also something that through this diagnosis, I have 386 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,560 been grateful in the fact that I have had two outbreaks in over 2 387 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,400 years. So it's not something physically 388 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:27,360 that I deal with on a frequent basis. 389 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:30,720 It's type 1, which I've heard may or may not mean less 390 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,400 frequency about breaks, different things. 391 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:38,840 But it's certainly, I guess it's, it's forced me to be like, 392 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:43,040 all right, I, I'm always someone who I teach fitness classes, I 393 00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:44,880 take care of myself. I'm into health and Wellness, 394 00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:48,080 but I was like, I wasn't really taking care of myself. 395 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,080 And I think that was like came to fruition. 396 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:55,000 And I think now I'm truly able to say like, I take so much 397 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:58,120 better care of myself. And that's certainly been a 398 00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:02,360 reflection of this diagnosis. Kind of like bringing that to 399 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:05,560 light and and you know, wanting, making me want to do it even 400 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,720 more. Yeah, as I'm I'm reading through 401 00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:11,440 what you wrote and I'm like, oh, OK, that that and you're you're 402 00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:16,440 covering everything. So I'm so two years. 403 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:20,800 How has dating been for you? What is dating look like? 404 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:25,120 Yeah, I, I you made a phone. Like it's it's dating. 405 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:29,280 I got the diagnosis in August of 2023. 406 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:35,080 I spent a month living in Portugal in October of 2023, 407 00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:37,040 which was like a pre planned thing I was doing. 408 00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:41,600 While on that trip I both met someone that I was like we like 409 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,480 really hit it off like spend a week together whatever, shared 410 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:46,400 it with him. He did not react well, which 411 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:49,760 like was like my first like you know potential partner sharing 412 00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:51,400 this with and it was like not ideal. 413 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:55,720 And then weirdly, also on that trip, someone that I had been 414 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,960 seeing previously, like long time friend, but like him and I 415 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,880 had hooked up during the pandemic, there had been kind of 416 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:02,480 like this on and off again, like will they won't? 417 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:06,760 They reached out to me on my trip and was like, basically 418 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,240 like, I want to do this for real, whatever. 419 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:11,280 And I'm sitting there like all excited, something I've been 420 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:13,600 wanting to hear for a long time. But then I'm like, oh, but now I 421 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:15,680 have this new diagnosis that's like new information. 422 00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:20,040 And so I get back from my trip, we reconnect, we like go on a 423 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,920 couple dates and I'm like, you know, like normally we would 424 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,640 hook up right away. And I'm kind of like hesitant 425 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,880 because I hadn't, I had shared it, I guess, with the one person 426 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:31,080 in Portugal and they react poorly and I share it with them. 427 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,240 And they were just like, you know, I don't know a lot about 428 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:36,160 this, but like, I'm not going anywhere and all this stuff. 429 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,800 And we're like, which in my mind I was like, OK, best case 430 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,640 scenario, like they're not reacting poorly. 431 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,640 We like end up dating. We dated for almost a year. 432 00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:50,160 And what I will say is I think the timing of it all was helpful 433 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:53,480 in that moment because I don't know if I would have truly been 434 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:57,160 ready to like deal with all the emotions and all the things. 435 00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:00,120 Like I think dating someone so quickly after the diagnosis and 436 00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:03,040 someone who also didn't share the diagnosis but accepted it 437 00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:06,600 and didn't reject it was so beneficial because during that 438 00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:10,560 relationship, like I did not feel, I, I didn't think about 439 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:12,400 it. It was like the only time period 440 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:14,960 kind of since that I was like, I didn't, I didn't think everyday 441 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:17,120 like I have this diagnosis that's like, you know, changes 442 00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:21,160 things. And we broke up last October And 443 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,640 that's when it hit me. Like I was like, oh, shit. 444 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:27,640 Like, like I was like, now I have to like meet new people and 445 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:29,800 put myself out there and like do all this stuff. 446 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:33,600 And I think right from that I went on some dates with people 447 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:36,560 and I found myself like kind of cutting myself off before it 448 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,960 like progressed into anything physical. 449 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:42,080 Can we talk about that, that self rejection that happened? 450 00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:44,720 Yes. How we manage that? 451 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:48,720 Because I recognize this for myself too. 452 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:56,840 And I used to think that it was because, oh, I'm too big of a 453 00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:01,000 personality or I'm too intense. And it's amazing what we tell 454 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:05,440 ourselves just coming from what other people have told us, but 455 00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:08,880 is what we know to be true about ourselves. 456 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:12,600 And that's often times where the rejection comes from. 457 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:16,240 It's a lingering rejection that is outside of ourselves. 458 00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:19,800 And I guess I'm feeling a little brave so I can like share 459 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,840 something that I've noticed from myself recently. 460 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:27,160 I have a roommate who's very social and is always like 461 00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:29,160 trying. He's hyping me up and always 462 00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:31,800 trying to put me on introducing me to people. 463 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:34,080 And he'll he'll just have you met Courtney? 464 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,880 Like if you ever say How I Met, How I Met your mother, like I 465 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:38,720 met tenant. Yeah, yeah. 466 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:46,280 Very bad and I'm I catch myself like having been so focused on 467 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:52,520 this isn't the setting like that person Probably not here. 468 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:55,720 And I think back to social media like a lot of times on social 469 00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,840 media, if I'm just watching stories or scrolling through and 470 00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:01,200 I'm seeing what people post. A lot of what I've been seeing 471 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:06,040 lately is like women bashing men for coming up and talking to 472 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:09,360 them or like I don't bothered. I'm just here to dance. 473 00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:11,920 I'm just here to socialize. I'm not here to meet people. 474 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:15,960 And I think that I've internalized that so much that 475 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:18,200 I'm just like, oh, she doesn't want to be bothered. 476 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:22,880 And I just shy away from it. And I know that that isn't 477 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:27,000 always true, but also the only way to really know is to ask. 478 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,880 And that didn't really occur to me until very like recently. 479 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:34,720 It's like, oh, I'm approaching this interaction with the 480 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:40,680 outcome in mind that we're going to not even like not even 481 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:43,440 exchange names, not even how's your night? 482 00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:47,320 Not even who do you know, right? The the small talk casual stuff. 483 00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:51,640 I'm bypassing all of that and getting to the point of, you 484 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,160 know, after the interaction where she goes home, goes to 485 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:56,920 social media or the group chat and says, this guy tried to talk 486 00:25:56,920 --> 00:26:00,960 to me ill and I'm like, oh, so I just prevent that from happening 487 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:04,520 after playing that entire scenario in my head briefly. 488 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:09,760 Yep. 100%. Right, that's my self rejection, 489 00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:11,200 which has nothing to do with herpes. 490 00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:12,960 It's that, but that's and that's. 491 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:17,080 Kind of the interesting part, I think that is like that I think 492 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:19,800 is something I realized so much more recently of kind of like. 493 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,760 But then it's like a nice, I don't know, I try to see. 494 00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:27,360 I think it's been a buffer that I maybe needed before of just 495 00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:30,880 like, it's not as if like because I was more of like a 496 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:33,840 relationship person previously. And I think like, I also kind of 497 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:37,160 went through like a year or so where it was a lot more just 498 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:39,560 like a lot of different sexual experiences and like really 499 00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:41,400 having fun and like putting myself out there and trying 500 00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:45,000 different things. And I feel like now I just feel 501 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:47,680 like I'm like, what do I do now? Like it just, it just feels 502 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:49,760 different. But I know so much of that is 503 00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:53,280 like, it's not as if people aren't, you know, asking me out 504 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:57,560 or, you know, like pursuing me. And I, I finally just 'cause I 505 00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:58,680 was like, I should fucking try it. 506 00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:02,960 I joined like one of the dating apps that's like specific to. 507 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:07,440 I love how you say 1 of like there's any more than just the 508 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:10,320 one that exists. I well, fair. 509 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:11,320 I was like, I don't know, I think I. 510 00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:13,840 You know, we don't have the we will not say their name. 511 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:15,680 You know, I'm banned. I'm banned off of that. 512 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:19,080 Oh yeah, the e-mail tried to get reinstated. 513 00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:20,640 I've been like, hey, what do I need to do? 514 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:21,680 Y'all? Y'all got I don't. 515 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:24,200 Know if you're missing anything? I have been on that thing for 516 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:28,640 two weeks and I'm like, this is there's no one like there's like 517 00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:31,440 4 people in my city like so I'm just kind of like. 518 00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:36,440 So people have been proposing that a lot of these profiles 519 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:39,200 aren't even real people. That's what I also kind of 520 00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:41,520 worry. About yeah, yeah, like you'll 521 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:43,000 see these people like, oh, where are they at? 522 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:45,560 And you'll be excited about maybe matching or whatever. 523 00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:48,360 And yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if they just like, 524 00:27:48,360 --> 00:27:53,200 paid some people to chat and exchange photos just to keep it 525 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:55,960 going. But yeah, I, I, I, I'm, I'm not 526 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,600 good for their business because I'm literally trying to get 527 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:03,840 people to not need that, but make sense for me to be there a. 528 00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:06,480 100%. And then there's just like. 529 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:10,800 Also I don't need y'all, this is so I'm. 530 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:13,560 Very quickly. Also like it's more that I'm 531 00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:15,600 kind of like I gotta put myself back out there. 532 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:18,160 I've been so weird about dating ever since like my last 533 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:22,160 relationship ended And in my head I'm kind of like, OK, it 534 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,400 could be nice to go out with people who share this 535 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:26,200 experience. So that's like not even on the 536 00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:27,960 table. So it's not something I have to 537 00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:31,320 get in my head of like, Oh no, if this progresses, then this 538 00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:34,800 conversation has to happen. And like in a weird way, I think 539 00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:39,120 my like very short term experience on this app that they 540 00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:41,840 need a UX designer. They like this is the worst app 541 00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:44,520 I've experienced. I. 542 00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:48,600 Feel like have you tried field F, EE, LD? 543 00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:51,440 That is literally one that I've thought about because I also 544 00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:54,520 think like my personality and kind of like the things I'm 545 00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:56,320 into. I also feel like I would just 546 00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:58,800 fit within that world in general. 547 00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:02,440 And I also imagine like there's more openness in that space 548 00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:05,360 where it would be a little less. I can, I can speak to that a 549 00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:07,600 little bit. Like I've had a lot of positive 550 00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:11,720 experiences on field, which has just been like more of a sex 551 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:17,760 positive sex forward pleasure and safety dynamics being 552 00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:22,120 discussed. You still might catch some of 553 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:26,080 the people who might use the word clean or who are like these 554 00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:29,880 343. But I think overall, for the 555 00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:33,320 most part, these are people who are much more comfortable with 556 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:37,520 talking about sex in general. So therefore sexual health being 557 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,200 a part of that, it's a lot easier before we get too far 558 00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:43,880 away from it though, the the self rejection piece, how do 559 00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:46,600 you, how do you manage that? How do you navigate the self 560 00:29:46,600 --> 00:29:49,040 rejection? What do you do, if anything at 561 00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:53,120 all? I think very much like it's a 562 00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:56,360 work in progress, of course, but I think it's something where in 563 00:29:56,360 --> 00:30:00,200 my very recent experience, like putting myself on this app, I 564 00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:02,160 went on my first date from the app last night. 565 00:30:02,520 --> 00:30:04,440 I've like been. Out I just want to tell us about 566 00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:06,720 that tell us about how the day went I'm. 567 00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:10,600 Someone it's hard because I never liked dating apps before 568 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:12,480 all of this, so it's kind of one of those things where I was 569 00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:17,120 like, he was cute, he was nice. Like I feel like I'm fun, so I 570 00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:19,640 feel like I have fun date. OK, hear me out. 571 00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:21,680 Yeah. I have never heard a woman who 572 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:24,120 was like, he was cute, he was nice. 573 00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:27,320 Be like, yeah, I want to fuck that dude or yeah, we're gonna. 574 00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:29,480 I don't want to fuck this dude. Like something I don't like. 575 00:30:29,560 --> 00:30:32,720 I'm like, don't like, I don't. And I feel like. 576 00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:34,400 So that's hard. Yeah. 577 00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:37,880 So I feel like it's kind of yeah, I don't know. 578 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:39,320 It's like my yeah, my friend's like how was the date? 579 00:30:39,320 --> 00:30:40,600 And I was like, it was fine. It was fine. 580 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:44,440 Like it was fine. So that's. 581 00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:45,640 Hard what? What is it? 582 00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:49,600 Is it is it that he's not hot or is it that he doesn't have much 583 00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:51,080 going on? Talk to me about this because I 584 00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:52,880 think this can be useful information. 585 00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:55,240 Real time. You're coming off this date from 586 00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:57,040 last night. Where did y'all go? 587 00:30:57,040 --> 00:30:59,680 What did y'all do? So, and, and here's what I will 588 00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:01,480 say to you. So I work in the hospitality 589 00:31:01,480 --> 00:31:04,840 industry, so I have very good taste in food and beverage and 590 00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:06,560 I. And you have a very specific 591 00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,520 kind of personality, so I think that this says a lot too. 592 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:15,560 Yes, yes, so I I feel like while I'm again, very much also myself 593 00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:18,160 trying to be open, I feel like I'm quick to judge. 594 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:20,040 If someone's like like if someone asks me out and they 595 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:22,400 want to take me to this lame spot, then I'm like, well, I 596 00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:25,280 don't want to do that right. And so I was excited because 597 00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:28,600 this person was like, Hey, let me take you out and named off 598 00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:31,800 like a really great cocktail bar that also happened to be in the 599 00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:33,600 neighborhood I live in when she didn't even know like where I 600 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:34,920 lived. So I was like, conveniently this 601 00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:36,880 works out. I can walk over to this cocktail 602 00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:38,720 spot. I know it's solid. 603 00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:41,200 I've been there before. I like it good vibes, like live 604 00:31:41,560 --> 00:31:43,600 music, like it's just a good spot. 605 00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:45,160 And I was like, OK, it's good taste. 606 00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:49,200 Like I respect that. And I think just like, and I 607 00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:51,960 don't know, I like, it's not that I'm someone I think things 608 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:55,760 can build in terms of like attraction or chemistry or vibes 609 00:31:55,760 --> 00:31:57,440 or whatever. Is it relatively short? 610 00:31:57,440 --> 00:31:58,600 Like I was like, let's keep it to a drink. 611 00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:01,760 Let's just meet each other. But I just, I don't know. 612 00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:04,280 I, I don't know if I was super attracted to him. 613 00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:07,640 He's not an unattractive person. I just didn't immediately feel 614 00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:09,480 that. And then I think it also felt 615 00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:13,480 like, I don't know, I I like nerdy, I like people that are 616 00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:15,560 into their own things, but I feel like he gave me a little 617 00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:18,240 like maybe too lame, like, I don't know, like. 618 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:24,520 All right, the point that I wanted to draw out of that 619 00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:28,040 experience, like you sharing, is that none of that had anything 620 00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:31,080 to do with herpes. You didn't reject yourself and 621 00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:33,920 prevent yourself from getting into that experience. 622 00:32:33,920 --> 00:32:36,480 Oh my God, did you meet him off of that dating app for people 623 00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:37,960 with herpes? Yeah. 624 00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:41,160 Oh shit, Well, that just negated the point. 625 00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:46,280 But I guess like I can still maybe pour something out of 626 00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:49,720 that, which is that you were able to be on that date and be 627 00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:53,040 present and be yourself and be with him. 628 00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:59,600 And I don't know how much of it comes down to the when we date 629 00:32:59,600 --> 00:33:02,480 people with herpes, right? It's like no one has it on one 630 00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:05,320 hand, right. And then on the other hand of it 631 00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:11,360 too, I think that we have an idea of the kind of person who 632 00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:15,760 has herpes between who's avoiding it and then someone who 633 00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:19,720 is dealing, you know, actively working through it or has worked 634 00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:21,680 through it. And even me, like I'm somebody 635 00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:24,360 who's working through it like I always have. 636 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:27,040 Like my stigma is just different than what most people have in 637 00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:30,600 mind is like, I have to tell people very quickly because they 638 00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:35,520 ask what do you do or me, right? And so there's a little bit of 639 00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:37,920 stigma that I deal with around that, but I don't have a 640 00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:40,000 problem. I'm telling somebody before we 641 00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:42,280 have sex or somebody that I'm interested in hooking up with. 642 00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:47,920 But yeah, I think there's a certain thing that maybe you've 643 00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:52,880 picked up on that because that person is on the dating app for 644 00:33:52,880 --> 00:33:56,360 people wear herpes, and that maybe there's not that same 645 00:33:56,360 --> 00:33:59,480 consistent authenticity, so to speak. 646 00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:02,600 I think that's. Yeah, because if you're around 647 00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:06,160 people, and I use the example of like a friend of mine, after I 648 00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:09,719 got diagnosed, I was hanging out at his house with his family and 649 00:34:09,719 --> 00:34:11,280 I was in my phone. Ha ha. 650 00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:14,960 He he in the chat of that particular app that we were 651 00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:15,800 talking about. I don't even. 652 00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:19,400 Have it on my phone, mine's on. My desktop, no, don't, don't let 653 00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:21,880 it be, don't let it be on your phone. 654 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:24,719 And I remember he looked at me and he goes like, you all right, 655 00:34:24,719 --> 00:34:26,000 man, you don't seem like yourself. 656 00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:29,880 And that's when I realized like the inconsistency of I'm more 657 00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:33,280 myself with these people than I am with the people that know me, 658 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:35,080 who are around me. And that. 659 00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:40,400 And I, I had a decision to make of not letting myself just 660 00:34:41,040 --> 00:34:47,400 separate myself in these two personas and stop masking 661 00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:50,719 around, you know, the people around me and keeping them from 662 00:34:50,719 --> 00:34:53,360 knowing what my herpes status is or that I was dealing with that 663 00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:55,320 at all. And it's just been such a 664 00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:59,240 freeing experience because now that same confidence that I have 665 00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:02,080 around people who know that I have herpes is the same kind of 666 00:35:02,080 --> 00:35:06,080 confidence that I have around people who, you know, might find 667 00:35:06,080 --> 00:35:08,480 out whether or not I have. Yeah. 668 00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:11,760 I think that has honestly probably been the most 669 00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:15,200 challenging thing for me because I think as a person, I am 670 00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:19,240 someone who, like, I'm very outspoken about mental health. 671 00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:21,800 I'm very outspoken about other experiences I've been through 672 00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:24,520 that are also stigmatized or also have certain, you know, 673 00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:29,240 degrees of whatnot. And I feel like this I I can't 674 00:35:29,240 --> 00:35:32,120 even I mean, I understand why I feel the way I feel about it, 675 00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:36,720 but I also do think like the isolation around like, I mean, 676 00:35:36,720 --> 00:35:38,880 so many of my like closest people. 677 00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:41,320 I haven't told like the people, the audience, weirdly in my life 678 00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:43,880 that knows is not even the people I'm necessarily like the 679 00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:45,960 closest with in this like given moment. 680 00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:48,480 And I think that can be it's like weird. 681 00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:50,000 Yesterday we were like, Oh, where'd you meet this guy? 682 00:35:50,000 --> 00:35:52,440 And I just like use a plate. I'm like hinge, like, like, and 683 00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:53,560 then it's like, oh, show me a photo. 684 00:35:53,560 --> 00:35:57,520 I'm like, can't, don't have that app like so it's like just, and 685 00:35:57,520 --> 00:35:59,960 I don't, I don't wanna lie like I don't, but then it's like, I 686 00:35:59,960 --> 00:36:01,600 feel like when it's out there, it's out there. 687 00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:05,440 And I, I think sometimes I worry about just like other people. 688 00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:07,680 Again, like other people, like my own stigma was my own stigma. 689 00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:09,360 That's something I'm continuing to work through. 690 00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:12,880 And I think other people, like I still pick up on the comments of 691 00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:18,120 just like the shit people say. And I, I don't know, I, I, I 692 00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:20,920 wonder if that will likely be like a next step of just 693 00:36:20,920 --> 00:36:22,680 continuing. Like I feel like this month I 694 00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:24,040 was like, OK, my goals for the month. 695 00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:26,480 And it's like across the board. It's not just related to like 696 00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:29,200 goals of dating or whatnot, but I'm like, go on a date. 697 00:36:29,200 --> 00:36:32,800 It's like check and like share with like one other person 698 00:36:32,800 --> 00:36:36,480 Because I just feel like I need to keep like not keeping this 699 00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:39,840 like so close and getting more and more comfortable talking 700 00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:44,120 about it because the isolation around that I think is worse 701 00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:47,200 than the experience I've had dealing with it so. 702 00:36:48,360 --> 00:36:51,680 Yeah, tell me about the support that you've received and sharing 703 00:36:51,680 --> 00:36:53,920 with your friends. Like what does that look like to 704 00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:57,280 have talking to a friend about it go well? 705 00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:02,080 I think it's been because again, it's kind of funny. 706 00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:05,120 It's like my younger sister and my mom are two people that know 707 00:37:05,240 --> 00:37:09,880 and like they're wonderful, but I also think they just like, I 708 00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:12,240 think I just get the sense that they cuz they know it's been 709 00:37:12,240 --> 00:37:15,080 hard for me. So I think like they seem to be 710 00:37:15,080 --> 00:37:18,920 like sad for me almost, which like isn't helpful and it's not 711 00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:21,240 them like acting a specific way. But I think they're just like 712 00:37:21,240 --> 00:37:22,880 they don't totally understand it. 713 00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:24,360 They like have a lot of questions. 714 00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:25,880 They're like, oh, I'm so sorry this happened. 715 00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:30,520 And then I feel like my first friends that I shared, it was 716 00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:33,120 also a little bit like they were pissed at this guy. 717 00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:35,320 They're like, fuck this guy. Do we do we need to go find him? 718 00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:37,160 And I'm just like, it's not like I'm like this. 719 00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:41,640 It's like I'm like, no, so there's that. 720 00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:45,080 But I think even that like one of them, I'm grateful. 721 00:37:45,080 --> 00:37:47,360 I mean majority, but I feel like I one of my friends that I 722 00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:50,640 shared with is someone who's just like such a sex positive 723 00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:53,120 person. She's done the sex parties, 724 00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:54,600 she's done that. Like she is someone who 725 00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:57,080 immediately was like, I know people like she's like, I know 726 00:37:57,080 --> 00:37:58,280 people. I know people who have been 727 00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:00,680 diagnosed and then they're still, you know, like it's fine. 728 00:38:00,680 --> 00:38:04,040 So she was just like in that space where I think it was like 729 00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:06,640 a nice person to share with and talk to about it. 730 00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:09,000 And then I feel like another one of my close friends. 731 00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:12,560 It very clearly was like her first time like hearing this 732 00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:15,640 experience from someone. So I think like obviously not 733 00:38:15,640 --> 00:38:17,680 I'll intended or unintentionally, I think 734 00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:20,080 definitely said some things that like rubbed me the wrong way, 735 00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:24,480 but it was also me so freshly dealing with this news and this 736 00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:26,760 new thing. So I think like it's been a 737 00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:28,200 mixed bag. And that's what I think I worry 738 00:38:28,200 --> 00:38:33,200 about more of like everyone that I've told to date, I trust has 739 00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:34,920 like not shared with other people. 740 00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:37,360 They've had, you know, fine reactions and I think I'm like, 741 00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:39,360 OK, safe, like that's a good whatever. 742 00:38:39,360 --> 00:38:41,960 And so I think when I start to open that up, I worry about that 743 00:38:41,960 --> 00:38:44,680 piece of it. But it's also, again, it's like 744 00:38:44,720 --> 00:38:48,840 the balance of it might feel nice to just be like this. 745 00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:51,080 Why is this such a big deal? Why is this this big secret that 746 00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:53,160 I've been holding on to that's been weighing on me when it 747 00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:55,280 could just be like, my friends are good people, Like they're, 748 00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:58,320 that's why they're my friends. Like it's, it is what it is 749 00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:00,520 like. So anyway. 750 00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:07,800 Yeah, thank you. Because I think what like how 751 00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:10,120 earlier I mentioned a lot of people don't tell their 752 00:39:10,120 --> 00:39:12,280 therapist, a lot of people don't tell their friends. 753 00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:18,520 And a lot of times what we miss out on is being reminded who we 754 00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:22,560 are outside of our diagnosis. When we hit the diagnosis, we 755 00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:29,000 immediately absorb and and we start to take in and project how 756 00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:35,680 we think people think of us rather than how people actually 757 00:39:35,680 --> 00:39:39,400 do see or think of us 'cause we just, we, we lose it. 758 00:39:39,400 --> 00:39:41,680 Like we really just get lost in it. 759 00:39:42,080 --> 00:39:45,280 And so to be able to share with friends, to be able to share 760 00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:48,680 with people close to us, I know how resistant, I know how much 761 00:39:48,680 --> 00:39:51,640 resistance there can be to such a thing. 762 00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:55,480 But it doesn't have to be that resistance. 763 00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:57,880 We don't have to have that resistance at all. 764 00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:00,800 And I think that it's so important that we do share with 765 00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:04,760 people who can remind us who we were prior to our diagnosis 766 00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:09,800 because that's who moves forward in the dating and the that's 767 00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:13,120 who. If we're rejected, we're 768 00:40:13,120 --> 00:40:16,520 rejected for being incompatible with who we're trying to assess 769 00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:19,080 for compatibility. But if herpes is at the 770 00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:22,440 forefront, we're looking exclusively based on that. 771 00:40:22,520 --> 00:40:26,360 And it's just a matter of does this person is there? 772 00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:28,160 Are they OK with me having herpes? 773 00:40:28,160 --> 00:40:28,960 Yes or no? Great. 774 00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:30,880 We can be in a relationship. We're going to get married, have 775 00:40:30,880 --> 00:40:32,240 kids. And then it's like, well, wait a 776 00:40:32,240 --> 00:40:35,480 minute and I'll have completely different values, political 777 00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:39,040 views, views on how to raise kids, if you even want kids. 778 00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:43,080 And we bypass all that shit. And by the time we finally look 779 00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:46,480 up after having gotten into the relationship with someone just 780 00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:49,720 who accepts us for having herpes, it's too late. 781 00:40:49,720 --> 00:40:51,960 And now we're trying to figure out how we can make it work. 782 00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:57,000 And then damn, all this time passes of just trying to situate 783 00:40:57,000 --> 00:41:01,440 and organize what life can look like, or changing things about 784 00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:05,120 yourself and what you do and what they do, trying to make a 785 00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:09,360 puzzle piece fit together. That just might not be the case. 786 00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:13,280 And I think that that's really what can help with that. 787 00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:17,960 Self rejection is the reality of touching base with people around 788 00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:21,920 you in order to be reminded who you are outside of your herpes 789 00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:23,160 status. Mic drop. 790 00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:27,280 No, like that. That's been a recurring exercise 791 00:41:27,280 --> 00:41:31,280 in therapy of just like, Rachel, let's like, sit down and write 792 00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:34,400 about yourself and all the things that make you you. 793 00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:35,640 And she's like, oh, how interesting. 794 00:41:35,640 --> 00:41:37,880 Like this is a full page of all these different things. 795 00:41:37,880 --> 00:41:40,240 And it's like, oh, yeah. Like deep down I know this, but 796 00:41:40,240 --> 00:41:43,440 I do I, I think it's something where like my very, very brief 797 00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:46,480 experience, it will likely not last very long on this app is 798 00:41:46,480 --> 00:41:48,120 like, this can't be my dating pool. 799 00:41:48,120 --> 00:41:52,160 I was like, I have so much to give and I am like, and I am if 800 00:41:52,160 --> 00:41:55,040 if anything, honestly the best version of myself that I have 801 00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:57,880 been looking back at relationships, like worked on 802 00:41:57,880 --> 00:42:01,160 myself, my relationship with alcohol, how I take care of 803 00:42:01,160 --> 00:42:03,040 myself, how I show up for myself and other people. 804 00:42:03,040 --> 00:42:04,400 Like it's the best it's ever been. 805 00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:07,200 And so it's like, OK, great. Like that means the person I 806 00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:08,920 date, maybe they share this diagnosis with me. 807 00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:11,720 Maybe they don't like, and I think that's the piece that I 808 00:42:11,720 --> 00:42:13,480 like. And it, I think it weirdly took 809 00:42:13,480 --> 00:42:15,880 me downloading the app and getting matched with like all 810 00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:19,200 these like, you know, 6 year old men in Maryland, like, hey, 811 00:42:19,200 --> 00:42:21,160 like, let me fly out. And I was like, this can't be my 812 00:42:21,160 --> 00:42:22,600 soul mate. Like what's happening here? 813 00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:26,040 And I just said like. What? 814 00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:28,320 That's your soul mate? That's your sugar daddy. 815 00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:31,520 Like and and sure, like I'm open to I, I own my own business. 816 00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:34,680 I work hard with love but like you know so. 817 00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:42,680 Yeah, that that's not the pool. And I, I think that being able 818 00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:48,200 to hear, you know, about the experience that you're having, 819 00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:50,480 it doesn't sound like you're having a negative experience. 820 00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:52,480 It doesn't sound like you're having a positive experience. 821 00:42:52,480 --> 00:42:54,600 It sounds like you're having experiences and then you're 822 00:42:54,600 --> 00:42:57,360 making the most of them. Is that the case? 823 00:42:58,480 --> 00:43:01,760 I think that's, I kind of laugh because I feel like this and 824 00:43:01,840 --> 00:43:03,560 these types of things always seem to be this way. 825 00:43:03,560 --> 00:43:06,280 But I'm like, this was very well timed because if you caught me 826 00:43:06,280 --> 00:43:10,760 on Tuesday, I was having like a very low day that I think I was 827 00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:13,120 mostly blaming on this diagnosis. 828 00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:15,280 I don't know how I'm gonna feel like feel better da, da, da. 829 00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:18,640 And like, you know, three days later, whatever it is, I'm like, 830 00:43:19,240 --> 00:43:22,720 and I do think like it, it was nice to go on a date and show up 831 00:43:22,720 --> 00:43:25,600 and feel confident and get ready and like meet someone new and 832 00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:27,960 have them be interested in me. And I think there's also this 833 00:43:27,960 --> 00:43:31,680 like, I think in those like periods, I do feel like there's 834 00:43:31,680 --> 00:43:34,480 kind of times where it almost feels like this like animal 835 00:43:34,480 --> 00:43:36,240 magnetism. And I feel like I've been 836 00:43:36,240 --> 00:43:38,400 feeling that of like, I feel like people are kind of coming 837 00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:40,920 back from like past parts of my life and like reaching out. 838 00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:43,520 And I'm like, OK, I think I'm like exuding this energy that I 839 00:43:43,520 --> 00:43:46,200 maybe haven't like really felt in a while. 840 00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:50,720 And it's nice to start to feel like confident and excited and 841 00:43:50,720 --> 00:43:54,600 open to these things that I have been like pretty openly closed 842 00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:56,520 off to for a while. I was like, I'm just not dating 843 00:43:56,560 --> 00:43:58,080 right now. And it's like, like, and it's 844 00:43:58,080 --> 00:44:00,080 like for the, you know, for shit reasons. 845 00:44:00,080 --> 00:44:03,040 Like it's fine to take a beat and figure it out, but. 846 00:44:04,120 --> 00:44:06,760 I want to, I want to expand on that, that I'm just not dating 847 00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:10,360 right now because it's been heavy on my heart lately of 848 00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:16,200 people because we can't do a thing or it's not going well. 849 00:44:16,520 --> 00:44:19,520 The outcome that we get of it not going well, it's kind of 850 00:44:19,520 --> 00:44:23,680 like what we begin to accept and then form an identity to of 851 00:44:24,080 --> 00:44:26,880 like, oh, well, I'm just not going to date. 852 00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:29,560 And I'm now a kind of person who's not dating. 853 00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:32,920 I'm not dating, I'm not dating, but you want to be dating, 854 00:44:33,280 --> 00:44:36,400 right? And I'm trying to figure out 855 00:44:36,400 --> 00:44:40,200 wording for that because the whole thing about something 856 00:44:40,200 --> 00:44:43,680 positive for positive people. I hope that it's clear that my 857 00:44:43,680 --> 00:44:45,480 intention is to empower people with choice. 858 00:44:45,480 --> 00:44:48,400 A lot of us who got hurt is we weren't given a choice in 859 00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:54,480 whether or not we were put at risk for getting this or close 860 00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:57,600 to it, and so choice was taken away from us. 861 00:44:57,800 --> 00:45:03,000 So now we are empowered with the ability to give others that 862 00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:05,680 choice for themselves. And there's power in that. 863 00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:08,960 The power of choice is being exercised every time we put 864 00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:11,480 ourselves out there, every time we initiate this conversation, 865 00:45:11,480 --> 00:45:15,200 every time we disclose or discuss our status with someone, 866 00:45:15,360 --> 00:45:19,040 every time we unlock that vulnerability and are willing to 867 00:45:19,080 --> 00:45:23,240 share with someone else. We are reclaiming our power by 868 00:45:23,240 --> 00:45:26,560 giving power to other people of choice. 869 00:45:26,840 --> 00:45:30,760 And then we also get to make the decision and choose whether or 870 00:45:30,760 --> 00:45:34,320 not we move forward with them. But I think that a lot of people 871 00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:36,960 get beat down to the point where it's like, oh, you know, I'm 872 00:45:36,960 --> 00:45:39,240 never dating again. I'm just going to be single. 873 00:45:39,240 --> 00:45:42,000 I'm going to be celibate. I'm not going to put myself out 874 00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:43,320 there. I'm done with dating apps. 875 00:45:43,560 --> 00:45:48,440 And we do that. And it creates this negative, 876 00:45:48,720 --> 00:45:54,160 perpetual, internalized stigma where that to me is probably the 877 00:45:54,160 --> 00:45:57,880 ultimate rejection. Accepting that you're just going 878 00:45:57,880 --> 00:46:00,680 to get this outcome that you don't want and then make 879 00:46:00,840 --> 00:46:04,240 yourself want it is a form of self rejection. 880 00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:10,000 Yeah, yeah, 100%. And I, it wasn't out of nowhere. 881 00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:13,200 Not that like it ever is, right? But I think it was like, I also 882 00:46:13,200 --> 00:46:16,920 had like, like I laugh because it's so ridiculous. 883 00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:21,040 So to quickly go back to the first technically person I 884 00:46:21,040 --> 00:46:23,760 shared the diagnosis with in like a romantic setting that I 885 00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:26,640 like on a whim, met on a literal island off the coast of 886 00:46:26,640 --> 00:46:29,200 Portugal. Like whatever, totally hit it 887 00:46:29,200 --> 00:46:32,040 off, spent a week together, we were vibing, I shared it. 888 00:46:32,040 --> 00:46:34,840 He like literally recoiled, like bad vibes, right? 889 00:46:35,480 --> 00:46:39,000 Randomly run into this person again last year in Mexico. 890 00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:41,880 Like totally random. I'm like, OK, something is 891 00:46:41,880 --> 00:46:44,360 pulling us together, whatever. At that point, he's kind of 892 00:46:44,360 --> 00:46:46,200 like, I can't stop thinking about you. 893 00:46:46,200 --> 00:46:49,520 All these things, like whatever tries to hook up, I turn it 894 00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:50,400 down. I was like, you know, I'm not 895 00:46:50,400 --> 00:46:55,000 really feeling it. Then I set up a trip to Portugal 896 00:46:55,000 --> 00:46:57,120 again, it's my favorite place on planet and I go for like a post 897 00:46:57,120 --> 00:46:59,600 birthday trip and I'm just like, go in there, it's happening. 898 00:46:59,600 --> 00:47:02,000 And he reaches out and he's like, oh, like tell me about 899 00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:03,880 your trip. Like my you know, what can I can 900 00:47:03,880 --> 00:47:05,320 I join? I was like, this is my trip. 901 00:47:05,320 --> 00:47:06,320 It's already set. Whatever. 902 00:47:06,320 --> 00:47:07,440 If you want to join, you can join. 903 00:47:07,520 --> 00:47:12,360 So I'm thinking there's all this build like obviously at least 904 00:47:12,360 --> 00:47:13,280 I'm like, we're going to have sex. 905 00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:14,400 Like I'm like, that's for sure happening. 906 00:47:14,920 --> 00:47:18,520 This man meets me in a different country, changes his travel 907 00:47:18,520 --> 00:47:21,720 plans to Take Me Out to a nice dinner, and that night tell me 908 00:47:21,720 --> 00:47:25,840 he's not comfortable with it. And I'm like then why like? 909 00:47:27,240 --> 00:47:29,920 I think that speaks to the caliber of men you're attracting 910 00:47:29,920 --> 00:47:34,080 though, because it's it's motherfuckers that you know, 911 00:47:34,080 --> 00:47:38,400 people are begging for attention from their boyfriend, their 912 00:47:38,440 --> 00:47:40,440 partner. And you got this man who just 913 00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:45,240 wants to take you out, gets to meet you out of the country, 914 00:47:45,240 --> 00:47:48,800 goes to dinner. Like the amount of time, energy, 915 00:47:48,800 --> 00:47:53,040 money, effort goes into that. Yeah, yeah, for sure. 916 00:47:53,760 --> 00:47:56,600 But then it was this weird emotion of like that all 917 00:47:56,600 --> 00:47:59,040 happened, so I'm imagining one thing. 918 00:47:59,040 --> 00:48:01,960 And then it was like this weird kind of switch of like not 919 00:48:01,960 --> 00:48:04,960 comfortable with it, can't pulls away, acts weird, haven't spoken 920 00:48:04,960 --> 00:48:06,880 since the trip, like just weird, like. 921 00:48:08,320 --> 00:48:12,960 Yeah, but shout out to you. Shout out to you for getting 922 00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:15,240 that kind of effort. Like now you know that you are 923 00:48:15,240 --> 00:48:19,240 capable of receiving that level of of effort from somebody. 924 00:48:19,600 --> 00:48:22,640 And a lot of people don't let themselves receive that despite 925 00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:24,800 having herpes. Like that's what I want to 926 00:48:24,800 --> 00:48:26,880 highlight here. That is fucking incredible, you 927 00:48:26,920 --> 00:48:27,800 know? I I like that. 928 00:48:27,840 --> 00:48:31,920 I like that take. And, and he's someone who had to 929 00:48:31,920 --> 00:48:35,600 meet you where you are. You were like, hey, I'm doing 930 00:48:35,600 --> 00:48:40,920 this, I'm going to Portugal and sex wasn't even on the mind. 931 00:48:41,120 --> 00:48:43,080 Or I mean, I guess sex wasn't happening for him. 932 00:48:44,400 --> 00:48:48,080 I know I'm like, OK, like that's if that's your choice, like. 933 00:48:49,120 --> 00:48:53,720 And while you wanted the outcome of sex, right, like you were 934 00:48:53,720 --> 00:48:56,280 still there for the journey, you still took your trip, you still 935 00:48:56,280 --> 00:48:59,840 went he you gave him the invite. And that's one of the things 936 00:48:59,840 --> 00:49:02,640 that's a perfect example of choice, right? 937 00:49:03,160 --> 00:49:07,160 You make the recommendation, you give him the choice and you 938 00:49:08,040 --> 00:49:10,000 that's it. Like you gave him power in that 939 00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:13,120 situation. And that therefore is empowering 940 00:49:13,120 --> 00:49:15,480 for you. Yeah, yeah, no. 941 00:49:15,520 --> 00:49:19,880 And that's, it's interesting, I think I, I don't know, I think I 942 00:49:19,880 --> 00:49:21,720 was really frustrated by the outcome. 943 00:49:21,720 --> 00:49:24,360 And I think it was less about the person. 944 00:49:24,400 --> 00:49:26,240 I think it was so much weighing on. 945 00:49:26,240 --> 00:49:29,000 I was like, oh, I can, I can still have this diagnosis and 946 00:49:29,000 --> 00:49:31,640 fly to a different country and meet a man and we can have like 947 00:49:31,640 --> 00:49:34,440 a little cross, you know, whatever. 948 00:49:34,760 --> 00:49:36,840 And then it just felt like, Oh no, I can't do that because of 949 00:49:36,840 --> 00:49:38,800 this, which again is also not true like. 950 00:49:40,360 --> 00:49:43,280 What you told yourself. I know, yeah. 951 00:49:43,920 --> 00:49:47,040 Yeah, but I guess this is this is a great time to speak to the 952 00:49:47,040 --> 00:49:51,240 importance of community because like we talked about this in the 953 00:49:51,240 --> 00:49:55,640 woman's group this past Monday. When I say the word community, I 954 00:49:55,640 --> 00:49:57,880 see 2 words. I see common unity. 955 00:49:58,080 --> 00:50:00,560 And the common unity here obviously is herpes. 956 00:50:00,560 --> 00:50:05,160 But then there's also the common unity of being willing to 957 00:50:05,360 --> 00:50:07,680 examine this and take the wisdom from it. 958 00:50:07,680 --> 00:50:10,400 What is there to learn from living with herpes and going 959 00:50:10,400 --> 00:50:14,880 through the process of having stigma affect us, our behavior 960 00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:20,120 socially and all of that stuff? So that was like being able to 961 00:50:20,120 --> 00:50:21,640 share that in a room full of people. 962 00:50:21,640 --> 00:50:23,960 How many people would have had like different narratives 963 00:50:23,960 --> 00:50:26,160 attached to that? Like you're like, oh man, I 964 00:50:26,160 --> 00:50:29,320 can't even date and have and. It's like when you did all that 965 00:50:29,440 --> 00:50:31,160 like. You know what I mean? 966 00:50:31,160 --> 00:50:33,120 Like I just want somebody to say hi to me. 967 00:50:33,400 --> 00:50:36,440 I just want and hold my hand. I just want somebody to I want 968 00:50:36,440 --> 00:50:38,440 somebody to do what they say they're going to do. 969 00:50:38,680 --> 00:50:41,200 You got all of that, so now you know that you're capable of it. 970 00:50:41,200 --> 00:50:44,120 Again, the more we practice doing the thing, the better we 971 00:50:44,440 --> 00:50:47,000 get at it. So if you're practicing setting 972 00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:50,320 the expectations of this is where I'm at, you can meet me 973 00:50:50,320 --> 00:50:53,440 here, and then you find that there are men willing to meet 974 00:50:53,440 --> 00:50:55,880 you there, The next thing is just going to be about 975 00:50:56,080 --> 00:50:58,680 identifying consistency. Yeah, yeah. 976 00:50:58,920 --> 00:51:01,680 No, that's real. That's yeah, yeah. 977 00:51:01,800 --> 00:51:07,080 Yeah, Speaking of support groups, meet Mondays, 7:30 PM 978 00:51:07,120 --> 00:51:10,000 Eastern Time. And yeah, there's a process to 979 00:51:10,000 --> 00:51:12,440 get into that thing, so just hit me up if you're interested. 980 00:51:13,800 --> 00:51:17,880 We are close ish to time. I like to ask if there's 981 00:51:17,880 --> 00:51:21,120 anything that you want to share or if there's anything you want 982 00:51:21,120 --> 00:51:23,160 to leave listeners with before I let you go. 983 00:51:25,280 --> 00:51:28,680 I think, yeah, no, I, I think kind of just reiterating the, 984 00:51:28,760 --> 00:51:33,440 the piece for me that I think pulled me to this space. 985 00:51:33,440 --> 00:51:37,320 And I think just really seeking out like, I think across the 986 00:51:37,320 --> 00:51:41,200 board, the community side of it is so important. 987 00:51:41,200 --> 00:51:44,640 And I think there is something so valuable whether and it's 988 00:51:44,680 --> 00:51:46,400 it's finding the spaces where they exist. 989 00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:50,400 But I, I do think just being able because it was until this 990 00:51:50,400 --> 00:51:53,320 that I had spoken with anyone who shared the experience. 991 00:51:53,320 --> 00:51:57,000 And I think it feels different to talk to a therapist or talk 992 00:51:57,000 --> 00:52:00,360 to a family member or friend who, you know, best case are 993 00:52:00,360 --> 00:52:03,360 supportive and wonderful and helpful, but like not having 994 00:52:03,360 --> 00:52:05,800 gone through it themselves. I think there is something so 995 00:52:05,800 --> 00:52:08,480 different to be able to talk to people in that space. 996 00:52:08,480 --> 00:52:11,680 And I think in a weird way, not just the community of it, but I 997 00:52:11,680 --> 00:52:15,640 think I even, I think at times it kind of helped to remind me 998 00:52:15,640 --> 00:52:18,320 that I may be further along than I give myself credit for. 999 00:52:18,320 --> 00:52:22,800 Like I think, which is like, cuz there I have some bad days, 1000 00:52:22,840 --> 00:52:23,960 right? And like, we all do get it. 1001 00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:28,240 But like there was, I think there's just so much negativity 1002 00:52:28,240 --> 00:52:30,440 and there's yeah, there's just very clearly people that I've, 1003 00:52:30,560 --> 00:52:33,440 you know, briefly spoken with that are not where I'm at. 1004 00:52:33,440 --> 00:52:36,760 And I'm kind of like, well, I'm here so I don't have any 1005 00:52:36,760 --> 00:52:41,280 interest in playing like therapist or, you know, XYZ for 1006 00:52:41,280 --> 00:52:42,640 you to get to where you need to be. 1007 00:52:43,320 --> 00:52:46,360 But that's a nice realization because I don't think I felt 1008 00:52:46,360 --> 00:52:50,000 that way until more recently, which is progress and exciting 1009 00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:54,200 and makes me feel hopeful about about just even the confidence 1010 00:52:54,200 --> 00:52:56,480 to say like, yeah, that's not my dating pool. 1011 00:52:56,480 --> 00:52:59,720 Like my dating pool is much more massed and that's exciting. 1012 00:52:59,720 --> 00:53:04,400 And having that mindset versus like the limiting beliefs that I 1013 00:53:04,400 --> 00:53:08,680 think I maybe started with. Yep. 1014 00:53:08,960 --> 00:53:13,320 And you've had this for two years? 1015 00:53:13,440 --> 00:53:17,600 It's been 2 years and you've already had so much growth, so 1016 00:53:17,600 --> 00:53:20,720 many experiences, and you've only just recently found 1017 00:53:20,720 --> 00:53:23,000 something positive for positive people, which I think speaks 1018 00:53:23,000 --> 00:53:28,280 volumes to the caliber of the, the different directions that we 1019 00:53:28,280 --> 00:53:30,680 can go into for our healing process. 1020 00:53:30,680 --> 00:53:32,840 Right. So your Ave. was OK, You 1021 00:53:32,840 --> 00:53:35,640 connected with your therapist, your therapist told me, told you 1022 00:53:35,640 --> 00:53:37,960 about me. And you know, here we are now 1023 00:53:37,960 --> 00:53:39,840 like doing a fucking podcast episode. 1024 00:53:39,840 --> 00:53:43,080 That's incredible to me. Like this is, this is awesome. 1025 00:53:43,080 --> 00:53:47,120 Like I love that you're all of the stories that we share, 1026 00:53:47,120 --> 00:53:50,600 they're unique because of where I am in time, where you are in 1027 00:53:50,600 --> 00:53:53,000 time, because I've done interviews when I was not in a 1028 00:53:53,000 --> 00:53:56,400 good place and I've done interviews when I was overly 1029 00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:58,720 enthusiastic and happy. And right now I can say that I'm 1030 00:53:58,720 --> 00:54:00,600 at a baseline. And I also want to just thank 1031 00:54:00,600 --> 00:54:05,040 you for get for being here now and giving me the space too, to 1032 00:54:05,040 --> 00:54:09,640 like kind of be a little brave and just share some of my 1033 00:54:09,640 --> 00:54:12,880 personal experience. Like there isn't much that I've 1034 00:54:12,880 --> 00:54:17,600 shared, but to be able to like get back into the rhythm of 1035 00:54:17,600 --> 00:54:21,600 talking openly about my dating life despite and with herpes. 1036 00:54:21,600 --> 00:54:25,080 Like I, I, I think it's coming. I'm still not fully ready to 1037 00:54:25,080 --> 00:54:26,680 just be like, here's what I'm doing. 1038 00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:31,280 It got going on, but it, it feels, it feels good to have 1039 00:54:31,280 --> 00:54:33,320 been able to step into that. So thank you. 1040 00:54:33,320 --> 00:54:37,560 I very much appreciate you, the timing for you coming on here 1041 00:54:37,560 --> 00:54:39,200 and being able to share your experience. 1042 00:54:40,520 --> 00:54:42,120 And then we already talked about anonymity. 1043 00:54:42,120 --> 00:54:44,120 So that's it. I don't think I had to say your 1044 00:54:44,120 --> 00:54:46,040 name at all. No, I don't think so. 1045 00:54:46,040 --> 00:54:48,960 I probably said it so like and that's why I'm not concerned 1046 00:54:48,960 --> 00:54:50,120 about that, but. Yeah, OK. 1047 00:54:50,600 --> 00:54:53,120 I'll be telling people like I have no reason to say your name. 1048 00:54:53,120 --> 00:54:57,200 So like, yeah, we're on video. Yes, but like, I'm only going to 1049 00:54:57,200 --> 00:55:00,080 use audio. Are you willing to share just 1050 00:55:00,080 --> 00:55:02,880 like what this experience is for you while we got a couple 1051 00:55:02,880 --> 00:55:05,560 minutes Like how? How was the interview for you? 1052 00:55:07,160 --> 00:55:09,120 Good. I, I think it's something where 1053 00:55:10,160 --> 00:55:13,160 I think twofold, I think, you know, slightly selfishly, I'm 1054 00:55:13,160 --> 00:55:15,200 like, I think this will be a good experience for me to be 1055 00:55:15,200 --> 00:55:18,000 able to kind of like talk freely about this, like talk about it 1056 00:55:18,000 --> 00:55:19,840 in a way. I think it's even like progress 1057 00:55:19,840 --> 00:55:22,600 to like not get emotional talking about it. 1058 00:55:22,600 --> 00:55:25,880 I think early on it's very just like heavy and, and tied in with 1059 00:55:25,880 --> 00:55:30,280 other things. And I think, yeah, I don't know, 1060 00:55:30,320 --> 00:55:32,680 I, I, I just again, thank the organization, the podcast and 1061 00:55:32,680 --> 00:55:34,160 everything. Just like immediately spoke to 1062 00:55:34,160 --> 00:55:38,120 me in a way of like, this is what like this needed to exist. 1063 00:55:38,120 --> 00:55:41,960 Like, and I, I think it's not the lack of resources that like 1064 00:55:41,960 --> 00:55:45,840 some of us are probably led to believe is, is the reality. 1065 00:55:45,840 --> 00:55:49,760 And I think just like, yeah, I saw that like herpes awareness 1066 00:55:49,800 --> 00:55:52,560 day is like coming up on Monday and like I, which I was just 1067 00:55:52,560 --> 00:55:55,280 like, I'm very aware, but like, what does this mean? 1068 00:55:55,280 --> 00:55:58,560 And like, what can I like, you know, I don't know, I think 1069 00:55:58,560 --> 00:56:01,360 there's a, there's a future potentially where I'm a bit 1070 00:56:01,960 --> 00:56:04,160 louder about it. And I don't know what that looks 1071 00:56:04,160 --> 00:56:06,280 like because I think current state for me is like, I own my 1072 00:56:06,280 --> 00:56:09,000 own company. A lot of that is very tied into 1073 00:56:09,000 --> 00:56:11,840 something where I think there's a fear of like putting it all 1074 00:56:11,840 --> 00:56:13,520 out there and then like so many people know. 1075 00:56:13,520 --> 00:56:15,920 But I think there's also a reality where I'm kind of like, 1076 00:56:15,920 --> 00:56:17,240 you know, this has been something I've been dealing 1077 00:56:17,240 --> 00:56:18,520 with. It hasn't been easy. 1078 00:56:19,600 --> 00:56:22,320 And I would love to also be someone who can help other 1079 00:56:22,320 --> 00:56:26,840 people who are experiencing it. And, and that I think goes so 1080 00:56:26,840 --> 00:56:29,800 far for me to be able to say like, Oh my gosh, like it's, you 1081 00:56:29,800 --> 00:56:32,280 know, and then it's kind of like a reminder to yourself of like, 1082 00:56:32,280 --> 00:56:34,440 it's really not that big. Like I'm just like physically, 1083 00:56:34,480 --> 00:56:37,040 not a big deal in the slightest. Emotionally that has been the 1084 00:56:37,040 --> 00:56:39,000 challenging part. But even that like progress has 1085 00:56:39,000 --> 00:56:41,040 been made. So no. 1086 00:56:41,040 --> 00:56:42,680 And I, and again, I love hopping on a podcast. 1087 00:56:42,680 --> 00:56:45,520 I could like talk all day. So that experience is always fun 1088 00:56:45,520 --> 00:56:51,240 for me, but. I was on mute. 1089 00:56:51,520 --> 00:56:52,520 All right, good. Well, thank you. 1090 00:56:52,520 --> 00:56:55,080 I appreciate you being on here and sharing your experience. 1091 00:56:55,880 --> 00:56:58,040 And I mean, that's really what the process is. 1092 00:56:58,040 --> 00:57:00,560 If anybody's curious about being a podcast guest, just go to 1093 00:57:00,560 --> 00:57:05,880 spfpp.org/podcast, Scroll down a little bit, fill out the intake 1094 00:57:05,880 --> 00:57:08,320 form, and I will reach out to you. 1095 00:57:08,360 --> 00:57:12,640 And it's as simple as that. As I mentioned, we've got the 1096 00:57:12,640 --> 00:57:17,920 Monday support groups virtually 7:30 PM Eastern Time. 1097 00:57:18,800 --> 00:57:22,120 And this is every Monday, they alternate 1st and 3rd Monday are 1098 00:57:22,120 --> 00:57:24,920 the women's groups, the 2nd and 4th are the men's groups. 1099 00:57:25,320 --> 00:57:29,040 And to to December 12th event in New York City. 1100 00:57:29,040 --> 00:57:31,080 It'll be in Brooklyn, I'm sorry, Brooklyn, NY. 1101 00:57:31,360 --> 00:57:33,960 So if you're in the one of the surrounding areas, if you're in 1102 00:57:33,960 --> 00:57:37,040 town for the weekend, come through 5:00 PM to 9:00 PM. 1103 00:57:37,080 --> 00:57:40,680 And then we'll probably just migrate to somewhere else. 1104 00:57:40,680 --> 00:57:43,200 But yeah, I'm looking forward to being able to facilitate the 1105 00:57:43,200 --> 00:57:46,960 space and keep it going. That's it. 1106 00:57:47,800 --> 00:57:49,720 If that concludes this episode of something positive for 1107 00:57:49,720 --> 00:57:52,400 positive people, please like rate, review, share, subscribe 1108 00:57:52,400 --> 00:57:56,280 to this podcast, the organization, and get involved 1109 00:57:56,280 --> 00:58:01,120 however you see fit to do so. Till next time, stay present. 1110 00:58:03,120 --> 00:58:06,280 And now here's that long pause between me scrolling to the part 1111 00:58:06,280 --> 00:58:10,400 where it says what? I'd have been pissed if I wasn't 1112 00:58:10,400 --> 00:58:12,640 recording. All right, here we go. 1113 00:58:12,640 --> 00:58:15,080 Stop recording. And now you got to hit the stop.