1 00:00:07,330 --> 00:00:10,770 Hello, welcome to something positive for positive People. 2 00:00:10,770 --> 00:00:13,410 I'm Courtney Brain. Something positive for positive 3 00:00:13,410 --> 00:00:16,930 people is A5O1C3 nonprofit organization supporting people 4 00:00:16,930 --> 00:00:20,890 navigating herpes statement. This is about to be a very long 5 00:00:20,890 --> 00:00:25,210 podcast episode. I'm thinking more than an hour 6 00:00:25,330 --> 00:00:28,530 for sure. I have notes. 7 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:34,360 I know that you may notice that there have been a lot fewer 8 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:38,720 podcast episodes than weekly, so I want to revisit and set the 9 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:46,280 new expectations for there to be 1 podcast episode per month for 10 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,440 now at least. Like in the event that that 11 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:53,520 change is cool, but for where things are right now, I think 12 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:57,080 that that's the expectation that I can consistently set. 13 00:00:57,440 --> 00:01:01,680 Which is funny because when I started the podcast in 2017, my 14 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:05,840 plan was to make it 1 episode a month and unexpectedly I was 15 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:09,680 having 345 recordings over the course of a week. 16 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:12,760 But that's not where we are anymore. 17 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:16,840 Social media landscape has changed and I guess maybe 18 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:21,280 because of the services now that something positive for positive 19 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:25,640 people offers the thing that people have gotten from being a 20 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:29,480 podcast guest, I think they're just getting from the 30 minute 21 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:32,920 support calls they're getting from the support groups and 22 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:37,880 sharing their stories that way. So I have a lot less guests now 23 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:41,840 and I mentioned in previous episodes that I feel like I'm 24 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:46,200 getting repetitive or just talking about me exclusively. 25 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:50,000 So rather than talking about me and my experiences, you know, 4 26 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:55,360 * 5 * a month, why don't I just condense it into one? 27 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:59,480 And Speaking of the word condense, that's kind of what 28 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:02,040 the topic of today's podcast episode is. 29 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:07,040 So the theme is brahmacharya, which is if the 10 commandments 30 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:10,560 of yoga are the Yamas and the Yamas, and I think that the 31 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:14,520 Yamas are how you engage with the world and then the niyamas 32 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:17,480 are how you engage with in like internally. 33 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:21,800 I try to remember that by the Yamas being eternal and then the 34 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:26,280 Yamas being internal. So hopefully I got that right. 35 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:36,320 So with brahmacharya, this word generally means, Oh, yeah, it is 36 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:40,040 one of the Yamas, Yamaha, Miyama, external, internal. 37 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,120 OK, yeah. How you engage with the rest of 38 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,560 the world. I got to make my notes big. 39 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:47,400 There we go. It typically translates as. 40 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:48,920 Let me lift this up a little bit. 41 00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:52,480 There we go. It translates as celibacy. 42 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:56,840 But really what it is, is the right use of energy. 43 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:03,440 So it the way that I envision it is we're constantly storing and 44 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:06,360 releasing energy. We can either release it 45 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:12,000 consciously or store consciously or what's happening is that it's 46 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,400 just happening. There's a cycling of energy 47 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:20,000 within us, right? And we bring it in and we leak. 48 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,200 So like the environments that we're in that change our mood, 49 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:28,840 that's drawing in energy whenever we feel drained, right? 50 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:32,520 If we're in an environment, that environment can make us feel 51 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:35,600 like we're losing energy. And the things that we do can 52 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:39,480 feel like we're leaking energy unconsciously and we're just 53 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:40,640 like, I don't know why I'm tired. 54 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:45,480 Well, one thing can be like doom scrolling as a perfect example. 55 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:49,120 You get a meme that's sent to you or real from a friend. 56 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:52,440 You open that real, you end up in the next one and then the 57 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:53,840 next one. The next thing you know, it's 58 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:58,280 been 30 minutes, right? So losing energy in that sense 59 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:03,160 is what brahmacharya can bring up. 60 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:08,720 And it's, it's one of the essentially 10 commandments of 61 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:14,960 yoga, which is just like, and I, I probably shouldn't say that 62 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:19,360 because, you know, looking at how people's relationships with 63 00:04:19,399 --> 00:04:25,360 religion might be this is something that I truly believe 64 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,720 helps with herpes though. And I'm currently putting 65 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,600 together a presentation on it. As you might know, I'm in yoga 66 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:35,320 therapy training and in that I've been learning a lot and 67 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:39,840 living a lot of this. So I'm going to do my best to 68 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:42,880 just like share my own experience and apply it to 69 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:46,080 y'all, to the best of my ability. 70 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:52,040 All right, So as I'm leaning into this, I'm watching it work 71 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:57,720 in real time for me. And if you've followed me on 72 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:00,880 social media, you probably see that there's been significantly 73 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:05,120 less posts because I recognized how much my energy was leaking 74 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:07,400 there. Just for perspective, I, I 75 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:11,240 started posting again, I've taken social media off of my 76 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:13,200 phone. So now it's just on my laptop. 77 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,880 So if ever you catch me on there and I'm responding to messages 78 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:19,600 or posting anything, that's what I'm doing. 79 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,520 I get in, I get out. My friends, they've been sending 80 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:25,040 me reels and memes, not even open them. 81 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:30,360 And that's just what I got to do to conserve the leaks of my 82 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:33,120 energy. And I want to share in this 83 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:36,880 episode like in turn, what's happened in regards to that. 84 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:43,080 And yeah, give some updates. But first I want to go into the 85 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,840 details of, you know, what's going on. 86 00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:49,320 That's something positive for positive people right now too, 87 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,920 because I mentioned one podcast a month, right? 88 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,720 And that that's not all that's happening. 89 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:58,840 So I'm applying Brahmacharia not just to my personal life, but 90 00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:01,840 also to my work life. All right. 91 00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:04,480 So before we get into all of that, I want to give some 92 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:08,120 housekeeping announcements. So we we probably going to be 93 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:11,880 here for about 10 minutes. If you're listening on Spotify, 94 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:14,400 you should be able to skip through looking at the 95 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,520 transcript. But if you're somebody that's on 96 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:18,920 the newsletter, then you know all this. 97 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:23,880 All right. But as I want to let y'all know, 98 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:27,720 the first thing that I'm doing personally for me it's I'm 99 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,080 protecting, protecting my energy. 100 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:34,200 I'm protecting what I'm doing structurally with my finances. 101 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:38,360 I'm protecting my attention and most importantly, my time, and 102 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:42,400 what this looks like is bringing a much more strict focus to 103 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,360 something positive for positive people. 104 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:48,160 I mentioned earlier, right? I was forcing these podcast 105 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:50,040 episodes for the sake of consistency. 106 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:54,360 And it used to be more important to me that a thing be done than 107 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:57,600 it be done right or that it be done well. 108 00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:00,080 I'm not a perfectionist by any means. 109 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:04,560 I'm a consistencyist. That ain't no word. 110 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:11,160 I value consistency more so than I value perfection. 111 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:18,440 And I, oh man, I, I, I'm condensing things to just these 112 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,360 three things that I do all things something positive for 113 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,800 positive people. Completing my yoga therapy 114 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,360 training and then whenever I get a chance to work my part time 115 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:30,320 job as a male urological teaching associate, teaching 116 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:33,960 medical students to give genital exams, I do those three things. 117 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:39,560 I almost got away from that and gave myself something that would 118 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:44,760 have taken me away from just doing those those three things. 119 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:51,720 But in the Yoga Sushis of Patanjali, which is like a Bible 120 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:56,360 of yoga, it teaches the 8 limbs of yoga, which I will be 121 00:07:56,400 --> 00:08:01,400 teaching on June 18th virtually at noon Eastern Time. 122 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,520 It'll be a 90 minute workshop. I'm just going to go through 123 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:07,080 applying that to navigating herpes statement. 124 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:12,120 But All in all, what the yoga, the 8 limbs of Yoga are, are 125 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:16,520 essentially the pathway to removing internal frictions so 126 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:22,120 that you can be people, say your best self, no, your most aligned 127 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:27,400 self, so that you are able to align your output with your 128 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:31,440 outcomes as close as possible. And it's much more conscious of 129 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:34,120 a thing to do. I'm recognizing the kind of 130 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:38,240 outcomes that I desire. And so I have to align myself 131 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:43,080 and shift what my outputs are and be mindful of the inputs as 132 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:47,960 well so that I'm not causing myself to misalign and get 133 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,680 things that are not for me, right? 134 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:55,960 One of those things that came in is like a shiny object, the yoga 135 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:59,840 sushis. I want to say it's 356 or 330. 136 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:04,880 It's a lot of them. But this, this hit me in my 137 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:08,640 chest hard when I was listening to it and it talked about how 138 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:12,440 when you're in an aligned path, whether that be you're aligned 139 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:18,600 with the universe or you're surrendered to God, however 140 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:22,160 language you would like to use, what happens is along the way 141 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:26,560 you're on that walk with God and it's almost like you're with the 142 00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:31,000 king and the kings walking you through the castle to get to the 143 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,680 grand hall where a festival is happening. 144 00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:38,120 But along the way, you are met with shiny objects. 145 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:42,440 There's a gesture over here, there's some entertainment over 146 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:46,080 there, there's something else grabbing your attention along 147 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:48,360 the walk. And what's important is that you 148 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:52,800 stay on the path and not let any of those shiny things deviate 149 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,520 you from it. Because at the end of the path, 150 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,800 you'll have encountered all of those things. 151 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:02,600 And then you get to enjoy them from the sea with the the king, 152 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:08,320 the divine, and from that place of wherever you end up later 153 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,720 along that journey that you're on. 154 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:14,640 So when I I heard that in the way that it was said, because 155 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:19,480 you know, I butcher analogy sometimes I heard that and it 156 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:22,800 immediately made me think because I applied for this yoga 157 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:28,560 teacher job, substitute yoga teacher job at a prestigious gym 158 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:34,360 and this gym got a hot tub sauna, like I, I was hyped. 159 00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:36,520 I was hyped. And they pay well, a lot better 160 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:40,560 than I thought a gym would pay for substitute yoga teacher. 161 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:45,200 And so when I heard that, I got a feeling in my chest and I'm, 162 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:47,840 I'm learning to listen to that. I'm learning to listen to my own 163 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:49,960 nervous system. I'm learning to listen to my 164 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:53,560 body when it tells me, Hey, this ain't right or hey, this is 165 00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:57,080 right. Because a lot of times I've just 166 00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:01,000 made decisions that I think I've ignored that feeling because I 167 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,840 just hadn't been connected to it. 168 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:06,000 And through Ayurveda, through the ad limbs of yoga and making 169 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,040 a consistent regular practice for myself. 170 00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:14,520 You don't notice it day one. But after doing this for, oh, 171 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,720 it's almost been like 2 months now consistently because I 172 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:22,120 started when Ramadan started because I was disappointed I 173 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:26,800 couldn't do, I wanted to participate in the fasting with 174 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:31,520 a friend and I couldn't because of health to things, which I'll 175 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:35,520 talk about later. But yeah, the, the focus for me 176 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:39,560 is not bringing in new things. I don't want to expand 177 00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:43,200 horizontally. I want to extend my depth 178 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:46,560 vertically. And so I'm extending my depth 179 00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:50,960 vertically by leaning most heavily into something positive 180 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,760 for positive people. Today's May 1st, I'm in a 181 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:59,560 program about like a coaching program for people who want to 182 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,120 like make behavioral changes, identity changes. 183 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:07,240 And there's just like a little accountability group behind it. 184 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:09,960 And I'm excited. I'm excited to be able to 185 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:13,480 participate in that and have a sense of community with other 186 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:18,840 people that are also on that same track because it's going to 187 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:24,920 help me with this now. So I mentioned already the 188 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:30,040 podcast and content pivot. Yeah, expect one podcast a 189 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,160 month. So I'm going to make it where we 190 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:36,800 do this on the 1st of each month as close to it as possible. 191 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:42,200 Yeah. The I, I, I was forcing it and 192 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:46,840 that was leaking energy. I recognize that I was kind of 193 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:50,720 dreading like leading up to the recordings, whereas with this 194 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,080 one, I was excited. I was, I was hyped to the 195 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,880 finally record. It's almost like the energetic 196 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:58,920 build up was taking place. And then I was able to sort out 197 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:01,800 everything that I wanted to cover from the past month and 198 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:04,720 what I need to announce for what's going to be happening 199 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,440 over the course of this next month. 200 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:10,520 And put it into the podcast, put it into the newsletter, which if 201 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:13,320 you're not on the newsletter, please be on it there. 202 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:17,680 There's so many reasons for it because you will miss the 203 00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:21,240 opportunities to be in in person stuff. 204 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:24,480 And if we do support groups that are in person or if I'm 205 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,760 traveling and I want to connect with and get with the people 206 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,640 that are in the area and bring people together, I can't do that 207 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:34,920 if I'm unable to keep up with you, if you can't get the 208 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,000 notifications for it. So there's a couple of days that 209 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:40,360 are in this upcoming newsletter, which is actually going to go 210 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:44,200 out today and then you'll get the next one for June. 211 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:47,760 But yeah, by that time, if anything was happening in May, 212 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,760 you'll have missed that. And I usually don't go to the 213 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:54,080 same place twice within a year. And this is a good opportunity 214 00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:56,400 for you to meet other people who are living with herpes in your 215 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,680 area that maybe you can form connections in community with. 216 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:04,600 But yeah, I'm, I'm deepening the quality of the content. 217 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:09,800 And I'm doing this at a vertical depth for vertical expansion and 218 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:13,160 not like horizontally. I don't want to do more quantity 219 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:15,000 of things. I want to deliver greater 220 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:19,680 quality of things. I'm going to be posting more on 221 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:25,520 the blog, doing more of the videos of how to go about 222 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:29,120 disclosing or talking about sexual health and relationships 223 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:31,840 with partners, the in person events. 224 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:35,640 I want to make the website work, the marketing, because the 225 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:40,640 social media is they've shown my post to 39 people after almost 226 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,720 24 hours. I'm, I've put the time and 227 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:47,960 energy into making a new post and anything educational or 228 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:51,960 informative on my stories, you get like 30-40 views now. 229 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:54,200 It's not worth it. It's not. 230 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:56,280 And I'm, I'm preaching to the choir because the people who 231 00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,280 follow me are the people who follow me. 232 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,920 They know about it. I was on a podcast recently, the 233 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:07,000 Beyond Monogamy podcast, and one of the clips that they created 234 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:11,240 was it, it's doing really well because of the language and it's 235 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:14,520 I found out about herpes the hard way is the caption. 236 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:18,040 I'm a black dude that's saying I have herpes and it was hard. 237 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:21,800 And the way that you have to position content in order for it 238 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,320 to get visibility doesn't align with me. 239 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:28,080 I don't, I'm not, I'm not going to make the post like that. 240 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,680 I'm glad that they did it because great. 241 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:35,680 Now new audience, more attention in that sense, but I ain't got 242 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:39,880 it in me. That doesn't align for me more 243 00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:43,040 in person events. I think I mentioned and I'm I'm 244 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,720 very much more intentional about the social media post, which is 245 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,600 really directing people to the website and the newsletter. 246 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,760 So if you're not on the newsletter, please be, I'm going 247 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:59,680 to link that in the in the description so that you you're 248 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,960 able to just catch it, click and then be subscribed to the 249 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,600 newsletter if any of these things interest you. 250 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:10,320 Yeah. And as far as the in person 251 00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:13,720 stuff, I've done an Expo, I'm gonna be more than 10 minutes. 252 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:15,960 So if you did skip the 10 minutes ahead, I've noticed that 253 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,320 it's already been 10 minutes and I'm not done with the 254 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:22,880 announcements. So yeah, keep going, keep bear 255 00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:27,320 with me. For in person, there's there's a 256 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,320 disconnect and it's because people just aren't on the 257 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:34,280 newsletter. So many people want in person 258 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:38,000 support. They want the community and 259 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:44,520 they're unwilling to receive 1 to 1 1/2 emails on average per 260 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:46,400 month. But I get it. 261 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:48,720 You know, you don't want that connection. 262 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:52,120 You don't want that association. You can make a burner e-mail 263 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,720 account if that's what you need to do that, you know, you maybe 264 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:59,320 check once a month if you don't want your main e-mail to have 265 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,560 like herpes related information on it. 266 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:04,760 But also, if that's what you got to do to get my information, and 267 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:08,079 I don't want, I don't want you to, you're not ready. 268 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,920 This isn't for you. If you're somebody who just 269 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:15,440 listens to the podcast and you're comfortable with just the 270 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:20,599 virtual podcast episodes and whatever else it is that you 271 00:17:20,599 --> 00:17:25,040 happen to find online, cool, this ain't for you. 272 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,319 You, you shouldn't be on the newsletter yet. 273 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:31,320 It might be helpful, but if you're not ready to receive the 274 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,440 information, you just ain't ready to receive the 275 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:37,440 information. So I don't want you to waste 276 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:42,160 your own energy and trying to be something that you're not ready 277 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:45,320 to become yet, which is accepting enough of your 278 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:48,360 diagnosis to be able to accept and receive community. 279 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:53,120 And what's crazy is like roughly 10,000 people visit the 280 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:56,520 something positive webs, the something positive for positive 281 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:59,960 people website per month. That's 10,000 new people per 282 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:04,440 month, whereas I got 10,000 total followers over the last 283 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:11,040 almost 10 years on Instagram and yet 30-40 people see the 284 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:17,240 Instagram story is is crazy. But I'm not complaining by any 285 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,200 means. I just recognize where the 286 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:22,000 investment of energy and time really needs to go. 287 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:28,360 And that's the website to making those people who are curious 288 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:33,960 about the content and seeking it out, making them more of a focus 289 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,840 for the community to be able to build that. 290 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:38,560 All right, so this is my encouragement for y'all to 291 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:41,240 subscribe to the newsletter if you feel like you're ready or 292 00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:44,840 maybe you just forgot about it. We had a support call maybe and 293 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:47,600 you hit the fall. The doesn't accept marketing, 294 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:52,680 but understand that the value of that is A, you know, connecting 295 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:57,440 with community and B, being able to see what the events are that 296 00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,800 would be coming up in your area. OK. 297 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:04,880 For the support groups, women, the women's group, phenomenal. 298 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:10,440 We consistently have anywhere between like 17 and 20 women 299 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:14,600 that come to the support group the 1st and 3rd Monday of each 300 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:18,000 month, 7:30 PM Eastern Time. If you want to join, we have to 301 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,480 have a herpes support call first. 302 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:24,400 Donation based herpes support call. 303 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:28,360 I say donation based because people fill out the forms and 304 00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:32,400 they don't donate. That is what this literally is. 305 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:37,120 I do not reply to emails that have no donations associated 306 00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:41,360 with them. I get a lot of spam, A lot of 307 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:44,280 spam or people who aren't serious. 308 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:47,040 And when I say spam, I don't mean robots. 309 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:49,600 I mean like people who are trolling. 310 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:52,560 They're like, oh, I have herpes and I passed it on to somebody 311 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:56,720 and it's like their confession or something, but they'll put 312 00:19:56,720 --> 00:20:01,080 like no money in the in the box and I'll check, I check, I see 313 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:05,000 all the emails. But what I've noticed over the 314 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:08,160 years is the people who don't donate don't show up to the 315 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:11,360 support cause. And now you know, I've blocked 316 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,880 off this time. I've rearranged my my day and my 317 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:17,600 schedule because I make myself fully available to prioritize 318 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,360 these and it's just me. Right. 319 00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:23,280 So with it being just me, this is one of the ways that I'm 320 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:26,040 protecting my energy. This is one of my, I don't want 321 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:30,720 to say boundaries like these rigid things, but my it's like a 322 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:35,520 membrane, A membrane around me energetically that slows things 323 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,920 down to a stop. And one of those things that I'm 324 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:43,960 slowing down to a stop is not, I, I'm not needing reciprocity. 325 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,560 Like I've created this, I've put it out there. 326 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:51,400 It's here for people to be able to access, even people who've 327 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:52,840 been like, I don't have any money. 328 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,160 Like, please, I, I, I just want to do a support call. 329 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:57,000 And I've been like, OK, here's the time. 330 00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,920 Here's the link. Let's do it. 331 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:03,200 And then they don't show up to the support call. 332 00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:06,280 So in order to join the support group, you absolutely have to 333 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:10,160 join and have a support call. And in order to do that, you got 334 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,040 to make a donation. Everything that we do is 335 00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:14,280 donation based. You know, I, I even tell people, 336 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:15,280 I don't care how much you donate. 337 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,040 Have somebody donate a dollar. So what? 338 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:20,200 I don't care, you donate it. You've given me some type of 339 00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:24,040 energy investment to show me that you're more likely to show 340 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:27,680 up to the support call and how much you value this because a 341 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:32,840 dollar to somebody the, the, the value of that dollar to them 342 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:37,600 might be what the value is of $1000 a $1,000,000 to somebody 343 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,840 else. So like, I don't shit on people 344 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:43,040 for what they give. I shit on people for not giving. 345 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:45,280 That's that's my thing. All right? 346 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,040 Because, yeah, you have to be intentional about those steps 347 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:50,640 and you got to show how serious you are. 348 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,800 So the ladies have been very serious. 349 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:56,360 And what I find is the word support group doesn't really fit 350 00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:59,280 what it is that we have there. It's more of a community. 351 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:05,040 I'm learning that the women are willing to navigate stigma and 352 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,760 all of the emotions. So we we go very. 353 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:14,720 We go very there's a lot of depth to the support group. 354 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:19,280 We're covering the the roots of stigma, we're talking about 355 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,560 intimacy, we're talking about boundaries, we're discussing 356 00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,640 vulnerability, we're talking about relationships, we're 357 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:31,480 talking about identity and how we see ourselves in self-image. 358 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:33,920 Like all of these things are conversations in the women's 359 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:36,320 support group. And I think that we keep coming 360 00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:45,520 back there because that support is it, it it the quality of it 361 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:49,040 is greater in community. So there's rapport built. 362 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:50,760 There's, you know, check insurance. 363 00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:52,920 Oh, yeah. Hey, girl, how's that situation? 364 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:55,200 Right. And it's nice. 365 00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:59,400 It's nice to have that kind of community as a form of support. 366 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:03,760 What I've noticed with the men's group is they're very focused on 367 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:08,080 problem solving. So between one and three men 368 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:10,320 will show up for the support group consistently. 369 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:12,880 And I, I started in October and I wanted to go six months 370 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,520 straight without making any changes. 371 00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,880 And there have been times where nobody would come. 372 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:22,120 So I'm sitting here, I've reorganized my schedule to be 373 00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:26,200 ready 2 weeks a month, the 2nd and 4th Monday and, and 374 00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:30,800 sometimes nobody would come. And so now what I'm doing is 375 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,160 I've just moved it to the fourth Monday of each month. 376 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:37,280 So there's one men's group. And the things that happened in 377 00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:39,520 the men's group are, hey, I had this situation happen. 378 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:43,160 How do I recover from it? Or I foresee this situation 379 00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:44,680 happening? How do I go into it? 380 00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:50,280 So it was very much I got, I got a rejection help, help. 381 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:55,280 Or if I have an upcoming disclosure, how do I tell this 382 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:58,160 person I have herpes? And then they take the advice 383 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:01,440 right away and then that's it. Like they don't need it anymore. 384 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,280 And if they don't take the advice, I don't know because 385 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:06,880 they don't come back really. But it's been nice because the 386 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:10,880 guys, one of the guys, I won't say his name, but he comes and 387 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:14,360 he's like, yeah, you know, I had this mindset shift and I've been 388 00:24:14,360 --> 00:24:16,360 applying it and things been working out. 389 00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:18,480 I just, I'm here to just share this with the guys. 390 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:21,080 And then it'd be just me, him and, you know, maybe one other 391 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,600 person. But that, that reciprocity, that 392 00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:29,320 ongoing support is something that in the men's group just 393 00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:31,840 doesn't happen because I think that's the way that we approach 394 00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:33,000 it. And the reason I'm sharing this 395 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:36,520 is because I've been asked like what's happening in the men's 396 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:38,240 group, why aren't the men showing up? 397 00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:41,920 I mean, I guess the reality is they the ones that do show up, 398 00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:44,960 they implement what it is that we talked about and then they go 399 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:49,800 on about their business. And then if there's a fifth 400 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:54,240 Monday that group's Coed, I generally bring in the topic and 401 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,320 try and let us all talk. But ain't no men been coming to 402 00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,040 the Coed groups. We have one guy show up to the 403 00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:03,480 first time we did a Coed group, but that was it. 404 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:09,240 So now men's group once a month and that's going to be on 1/4 405 00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:11,280 Monday of each month. If you haven't already had a 406 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:14,760 support call with me again, donation based support call, 407 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:17,640 fill that form out, we'll schedule it. 408 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:21,040 And once we get your donation, that's when you'll hear from me. 409 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:24,000 I even put a frequently asked questions on the herpes support 410 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:28,560 call page to explain the process even further because so many 411 00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:32,440 people follow the process to AT, and then so many people just 412 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:36,840 don't like, they'll be like, yeah, I'm, I plan to donate $20 413 00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:41,200 and then like, I'll reply to the e-mail and be like, OK, once we 414 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:43,680 get your donation, we'll schedule a call and then they'll 415 00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:45,920 be like, how do I donate? It's like you're, you're 416 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:49,200 redirected to the, the page to, to do that. 417 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,920 The instructions are there. The instructions are as clear as 418 00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:54,120 possible. And I can't waste energy on 419 00:25:54,120 --> 00:25:56,000 people who don't even read the instructions. 420 00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:59,480 I, I and it, it feels icky for me to say that, but I'd 421 00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:02,800 recognize that that ickiness is just the discomfort of having 422 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:05,560 boundaries. This is something, it, it's 423 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:07,600 gotten me in trouble. Like it's been more than a year 424 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:10,280 now that I've been out of my last relationship and not having 425 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:14,160 boundaries with something that I, I understand so much better 426 00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:18,640 now because I'm, I'm seeing where all of these leaks are, 427 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:20,680 right? I'm recognizing and seeing 428 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:24,960 myself as the kind of person that I can and should be just 429 00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:29,160 from maintaining a regular routine for myself and plugging 430 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:32,240 the leaks that came from not having that routine. 431 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:36,280 So I'm, I'm, I'm living this. And if you can make it past the 432 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,760 announcements, y'all, because, oh, the last, here's the last 433 00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:41,800 bit. OK, so it's been 20 minutes of 434 00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:43,640 announcements and updates, right? 435 00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:45,520 I haven't even gotten into the podcast. 436 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:49,320 So yeah, bear with me. I got right. 437 00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:51,800 OK, I'm going to try and speed through this one, but these are 438 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:55,640 the upcoming dates for meet ups and when I'm going to be 439 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:59,320 traveling and where I'm going to be so that we can maybe get some 440 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:04,200 things together in person. So May 15th is virtual sex 441 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:06,360 positive Portland. I'm going to be hosting an event 442 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:11,400 navigating the herpes stigma and alternative lifestyles. 443 00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:14,880 So non monogamous lifestyles, if you're in Portland and you want 444 00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:19,200 to be a part of sex positive Portland and this is Oregon, 445 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:22,360 then reach out. It's just if you Google sex 446 00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:23,880 positive Portland you'll find it. 447 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,520 But this is an intro class that is generally open to the public. 448 00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:30,200 They have tickets for sale for it. 449 00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:32,920 But I did this probably about a year ago. 450 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:36,200 It was about a year ago that I did this exact same workshop. 451 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:39,640 But now it's more structured around navigating these 452 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:43,480 conversations and non monogamous spaces and play spaces and not 453 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:47,120 just how to discuss herpes with someone, but for the people who 454 00:27:47,120 --> 00:27:51,520 are there to understand how to receive a diagnosis from 455 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:53,200 somebody. So someone discloses, hey, I 456 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:55,040 have herpes, how do you handle that? 457 00:27:55,280 --> 00:28:00,200 So I'll be talking about that on May 15th, virtually July 23rd 458 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:03,440 through 26th. I intend to be in Houston, TX. 459 00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:05,320 I might get out there a little bit sooner. 460 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,360 I'm available to host a meet up if there is interest. 461 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:10,400 I know there are two people there. 462 00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:14,800 No 3, there's three people there that I do maintain some type of 463 00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:19,600 a connection with. And if we're all able to make it 464 00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:21,280 work, we can do like a happy hour. 465 00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:25,360 We can do dinner, lunch, something over the course of 466 00:28:25,360 --> 00:28:27,520 that time. But there's also a Zook 467 00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:29,160 conference, for those who don't know. 468 00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:33,240 I've been practicing Brazilian Zook since August last year, and 469 00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:35,040 I'm feeling a lot a little more confident. 470 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:36,840 I got a little shoulder mobility. 471 00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:40,080 I'm moving my body in ways that I hadn't moved it in the past. 472 00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:45,120 So I'm, I'm going to go out there for that and then July 473 00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:49,800 26th until I don't know how long, but I'm going to go to St. 474 00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:51,920 Louis, MO. So I'll be in Houston, TX until 475 00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:56,120 Sunday, July 26th and then on July 26th I go to Saint Louis 476 00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:59,000 and I'll be there for a couple of days if we can make something 477 00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:01,160 work. There is a huge herpes support 478 00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:06,680 group that is there and I I can make that introduction if that's 479 00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:08,720 something that you're interested in if you are in St. 480 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:11,880 Louis, MO. But I'll be there from the 26th, 481 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:15,080 just maybe for a few days. I don't like to stay in Saint 482 00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:21,160 Louis too long. And August 29th is the New York 483 00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:25,040 City Herpes Stigma Expo, so this will be in the Lower East Side, 484 00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:28,920 Manhattan and Chinatown, the same thing that we did in March, 485 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:31,160 which was just like a full day of herpes support. 486 00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:32,720 We're going to do the same but different. 487 00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:37,120 I want to do some demonstrations of people to see not just how to 488 00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:40,360 talk about herpes with partners, but how to talk about sex, how 489 00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:44,680 to talk about the relationship and make it a bigger thing than 490 00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:47,600 being about herpes. Like how do you get to know 491 00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:51,160 someone in that context that you know, you want to move forward 492 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:51,720 with? Right. 493 00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:55,080 So I want to be able to do some role plays and demonstrations 494 00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:59,160 using Doctor Evelyn, Doctor Starsop, which covers what we 495 00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:02,320 need for safety in relationships or turn ONS or voids. 496 00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:04,560 Because we don't really get to talk about pleasure. 497 00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:07,960 Like we're we're so one sided focused on the herpes disclosure 498 00:30:07,960 --> 00:30:10,520 that we forget about those things and then talking about 499 00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:12,040 the intention for the relationship. 500 00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:14,360 And then we get to the sexual health portion. 501 00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:17,560 So we're going to do some simulations and role plays and 502 00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:20,040 kind of a workshop on navigating that. 503 00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:23,440 And I'm going to incorporate yoga and we're going to have one 504 00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:26,000 of my board members, Jordan, come in and do like a pleasure 505 00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:28,000 practice for us. It'll be a real fun and good 506 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:31,080 time, but we get to socialize, connect, and experience 507 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:34,640 community as well. And then the next day, August 508 00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:38,720 30th, I'll be presenting at the STI Prevention Conference in 509 00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:43,280 Atlanta and I'll be there from August 30th until like September 510 00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:46,560 2nd or 3rd. I'm looking to host a meet up 511 00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:50,000 and I know that there are some people that are in Atlanta who 512 00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:54,760 live there that might be willing and able to come out and see us. 513 00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:57,160 So let's, let's see what we can do. 514 00:30:57,160 --> 00:30:58,520 Let's see what we can get on the books. 515 00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:01,400 All right. And then I live in Brooklyn, NY, 516 00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:04,920 so that'll be ongoing. I have spaces where I can host 517 00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:09,640 things like game night support groups, but I need the interest. 518 00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:13,600 I, I, I need people to show up to the things and let me know 519 00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:16,440 what it is that y'all want. OK, so that concludes the 520 00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:18,760 announcements. What, 26 minutes later? 521 00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:21,560 Damn, my bad job. I'm sorry to make you wait to 522 00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:25,760 this point, but we are done with the announcements and now I'm 523 00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:29,360 going to transition to the actual podcast episode. 524 00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:38,760 So this one's, this portion is about like transmuting sexual 525 00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:41,040 energy. So typically a person who's 526 00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:44,080 newly diagnosed with herpes might decide I'm not going to 527 00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:47,160 have sex, I can't have sex. They may not even decide that, 528 00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:50,240 they may allow herpes to decide that for them. 529 00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:55,600 And now not being a sexual person means that that energy is 530 00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:59,320 just there. And while energy can't be 531 00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:02,960 created or destroyed, it's also not the sign that sit still, be 532 00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:06,040 stagnant, and then create shit within the body. 533 00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:10,840 We got to move that shit, right? So when we look at Brahmacharia, 534 00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:15,000 again, it's not celibacy, it's right use of energy. 535 00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:18,880 So even if you do want to have sex, having sex in a way that 536 00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:23,320 aligns for you and who you are with people who also align. 537 00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:25,560 Because wherever there are inconsistencies and 538 00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:29,560 misalignments externally, it kind of creates that internally. 539 00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:33,320 So we want to have our beliefs and our behaviors aligned with 540 00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:37,920 one another because now we're affirming our values, right? 541 00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:42,320 And now we're giving that energy its right use based on what we 542 00:32:42,320 --> 00:32:44,720 believe and based on how we're behaving. 543 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:49,360 And that friction begins to dwindle away as we continue to 544 00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:55,280 maintain that state of being. So for me personally, I, I ain't 545 00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:58,880 been, I've not been sexually active as sexually active as I 546 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:04,240 would like to be by any means. And what I think I've realized 547 00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:09,120 was around Valentine's Day that since my last relationship, I've 548 00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:12,840 not dated, but I've ended up in relationships. 549 00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:17,520 And in these relationships that I ended up in, I was doing a 550 00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:20,920 polyamory thing. And I recognize that I'm not 551 00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:24,560 polyamorous. And so there was a constant 552 00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:28,960 leaking of my energy. I had people like my ex told me, 553 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:31,480 my therapist told me they were like, yeah, you're polyamorous. 554 00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:33,600 And there were people around me who were like, well, Brittany, 555 00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:35,720 like, what are you aligned with? And he's the only people that 556 00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:38,960 ever asked me that. It's like that never feels right 557 00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:40,200 like that. That hasn't felt right. 558 00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:45,880 So between like a right around Valentine's Day and just through 559 00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:48,280 March, like I hadn't been seeing a lot of people. 560 00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:51,080 And I was just like, hey, and these were many long distance 561 00:33:51,080 --> 00:33:52,680 relationships and then one locally. 562 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:56,560 And I was just like, hey, I'm not polyamorous. 563 00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:59,280 And I didn't really know what that meant for me at the time. 564 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:03,560 But that ended up ending several of those connections and 565 00:34:03,560 --> 00:34:09,520 relationships. But I, yeah, I put myself at 566 00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:11,960 what, what do you call it? I have no roster. 567 00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:20,800 So between like mid March and now, I had like a couple of 568 00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:27,239 sexual experiences, but not nothing that is like ongoing. 569 00:34:27,679 --> 00:34:32,320 So I caught myself. I'm a different person when I 570 00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:35,800 know that it's on the table or I know like I got something locked 571 00:34:35,800 --> 00:34:38,560 in the calendar versus when I don't. 572 00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:45,880 And I think that the combination of my health and being having 573 00:34:45,880 --> 00:34:48,400 prioritized that, which I'll, I'll tell you about that in a 574 00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:49,800 minute. I'm excited about that. 575 00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:54,360 But between that and then not knowing where the next, you 576 00:34:54,360 --> 00:34:57,440 know, sexual experience, date, relationship, companionship, 577 00:34:57,440 --> 00:35:03,000 intimacy is going to come from I'm, I'm horny and it, it's 578 00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:06,640 crazy because I had someone who reached out to me and she was 579 00:35:06,640 --> 00:35:09,280 like, I don't know what to do. But like, I'm finally feeling 580 00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:12,160 like sexual and I don't have any word for it. 581 00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:15,600 And when she was telling me that I was like, damn, I feel you. 582 00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:16,960 Like I'm, I'm right there with you. 583 00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:20,840 Like I didn't tell her that, but I was like, dude, the, the, the 584 00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:25,000 world, the universe by reality is just putting shit in my face 585 00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:29,800 that I have to deal with. So rather than allowing that 586 00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:34,360 sexual energy to leak and for me to just like go find somebody to 587 00:35:34,360 --> 00:35:38,560 hook up with or for me to just hold on to it and let that 588 00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:42,480 stagnate, what I decided to do was I got to do something with 589 00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:45,280 it. So sexual energy is creative 590 00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:49,440 energy. It's life force energy when it's 591 00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:52,160 our vitality, right? Like we when we look at it that 592 00:35:52,160 --> 00:35:55,160 way, it ain't no when we look at it that way, that's what it is. 593 00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:59,200 So I have successfully, I'll go laugh when you hear this. 594 00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:03,480 I have successfully written the first draft of the Something 595 00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:05,000 Positive for Positive People book. 596 00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:12,080 I've been writing for the book or writing the book, but nothing 597 00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:16,080 has ever felt as complete as this particular draft. 598 00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:20,080 So I did that. I wrote the first draft of an 599 00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:25,600 actual book with that concentration of my sexual 600 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:32,720 energy. And now, like, I might be horny 601 00:36:32,720 --> 00:36:37,400 as hell, but rather than me having a sexual experience and 602 00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:39,960 getting that released, I want a fucking book. 603 00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:42,360 Like what? I'll do that. 604 00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:47,880 What? And so I see what can come 605 00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:50,040 around. I see what can come out of it 606 00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:53,320 and now like I recognize the quality of it. 607 00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:57,920 So I can be out here just fucking, which I have been in 608 00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:01,840 the past, or I can write a book and it's like, damn, you know 609 00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:07,720 what, what else can I create? So I'm I'm, I bought some, so 610 00:37:07,720 --> 00:37:10,560 I'm a nerd. And if you watch the Seven 611 00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:13,080 Deadly sins, which is an anime, it starts out cute and then it 612 00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:17,920 gets real. I made, I bought the materials 613 00:37:17,920 --> 00:37:21,600 and tools for me to make one of the weapons from the characters 614 00:37:21,600 --> 00:37:24,880 that I'm going to dress up As for the June 6 Brooklyn Comic 615 00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:28,120 Con, which I'm hyped for. And that's another place that 616 00:37:28,120 --> 00:37:30,520 I'm putting my energy into, just like creating shit. 617 00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:34,760 And I think that that too is why that job that I had applied for 618 00:37:35,120 --> 00:37:39,680 was unattractive and unappealing so that I can put my creative 619 00:37:39,680 --> 00:37:44,360 energy into something that it can actually be received by 9 620 00:37:44,360 --> 00:37:46,600 years. Now it's been almost 10 years or 621 00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:51,360 something positive for positive people has been something that 622 00:37:51,600 --> 00:37:55,120 can handle my intensity, that can handle my emotions. 623 00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:58,080 That has been like a reciprocal exchange for me. 624 00:37:58,080 --> 00:38:00,920 So I'm, I'm pouring into this more deeply. 625 00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:05,200 And now like I got this fine little hobby that I was unable 626 00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:09,920 to explore over the years and now I can really immerse myself 627 00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:11,760 in it. So I'm excited to create this 628 00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:15,680 damn Escanora's axe. And I got everything else I need 629 00:38:15,680 --> 00:38:17,440 for the costume. I even got like a little 630 00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:19,840 alliance in tattoo. So I'm hype. 631 00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:26,080 I'm hype, but I say that to say like I'm I'm I'm very protective 632 00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:29,520 of this now, whereas I hadn't been in the past. 633 00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:32,400 And I think that a lot of it had to do with environment too. 634 00:38:32,400 --> 00:38:36,040 Like I was very much active in the sex education space and on 635 00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:42,160 the Internet and all this advocacy and and sex Ed and it 636 00:38:42,160 --> 00:38:44,880 was accessible to me. It was a lot more accessible. 637 00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:49,440 It was a lot like it was much easier to be able to connect 638 00:38:49,440 --> 00:38:52,720 with people who are already like sexual in a sexual environment. 639 00:38:52,720 --> 00:38:57,520 So it was just like a perfect storm of being able to have a 640 00:38:57,520 --> 00:39:00,880 variety of sexual experiences, whether they aligned or not. 641 00:39:01,240 --> 00:39:07,240 So now the the right use of said energy for me doesn't look like 642 00:39:07,240 --> 00:39:09,880 just I'm horny. I need to get this nut off. 643 00:39:10,200 --> 00:39:15,560 It looks like, OK, what what do I really want? 644 00:39:16,120 --> 00:39:20,560 Because sometimes like I'll be like horny because I'm lonely or 645 00:39:20,560 --> 00:39:24,000 I want companionship or I want intimacy or I want like 646 00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:27,840 something good to eat, right. And all of these things can come 647 00:39:27,840 --> 00:39:30,360 from the same place of just feeling not connected to. 648 00:39:30,720 --> 00:39:34,280 So you can feel not connected to or you just feel like there's a 649 00:39:34,280 --> 00:39:38,680 need to create. And that was one of those things 650 00:39:38,680 --> 00:39:43,120 for me of being able to give that sexual energy some kind of 651 00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:45,520 an outlet. Again, energy is not supposed to 652 00:39:45,520 --> 00:39:48,080 sit stagnant. It's supposed to move. 653 00:39:48,080 --> 00:39:52,880 It's supposed to flow. If you are into any like Tachi 654 00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:57,120 or if you're into yoga or quantum physics at all, you you 655 00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:02,720 learn a lot about us as human beings that when we are like. 656 00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:07,440 Stagnant, dead inside or feeling out of alignment. 657 00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:10,480 That's where a lot of the mental health and physical health stuff 658 00:40:10,480 --> 00:40:15,040 comes up if there's no direction for the energy that we have. 659 00:40:17,880 --> 00:40:21,720 So yeah, I'm, I'm, I am like a little hesitant and scared. 660 00:40:21,720 --> 00:40:25,080 Like I'm allowing myself now to date for the first time in a 661 00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:30,400 year, like actually date and like go out and meet people and, 662 00:40:30,400 --> 00:40:32,920 and really shoot my shot. I've been trying to shoot my 663 00:40:32,920 --> 00:40:34,720 shot. I ain't been doing, I've not 664 00:40:34,720 --> 00:40:37,720 been doing well. You know, it's just being out of 665 00:40:37,720 --> 00:40:41,400 practice. And I, I know what it is now. 666 00:40:41,440 --> 00:40:45,400 I've been stuck. And I think I got it in my notes 667 00:40:45,400 --> 00:40:47,080 to talk about more of that later. 668 00:40:47,400 --> 00:40:51,000 But what I don't want is to bring somebody in that's going 669 00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:52,840 to fuck up where I'm at in life right now. 670 00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:55,400 My health is good, my finances are great. 671 00:40:55,400 --> 00:40:58,000 I'm feeling successful. I'm on the trajectory that I 672 00:40:58,280 --> 00:41:04,760 foresee being able to like have a sustained, A sustained 673 00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:08,200 lifestyle in the direction that I'm going. 674 00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:12,400 And the last thing I need is for the wrong use of energy to 675 00:41:13,080 --> 00:41:15,320 connect with somebody that's going to fuck that up for me. 676 00:41:17,240 --> 00:41:19,320 And I don't want to do that again. 677 00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:22,280 I can't. I can't do that to myself again. 678 00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:29,800 So I'm I'm I'm excited to be able to implement the Courtney 679 00:41:29,800 --> 00:41:34,400 cut off protocol, which is if, if stuff ain't working out like 680 00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:40,320 I, I got to, I got to let it go. So concluding that portion about 681 00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:44,120 the transmution of sexual energy, looking at the 682 00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:47,320 application of Brahmacharia, which is right use of energy, 683 00:41:49,360 --> 00:41:54,760 This ain't like an urge, right? Like when you, you get hard or 684 00:41:54,760 --> 00:41:58,320 you get wet, right? It's not just, oh, I need to go 685 00:41:58,320 --> 00:42:01,360 masturbate, I need to go and have sex, right? 686 00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:05,080 This is creative holding life for us that you take them 687 00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:10,720 juices, you take that blood flow and you apply it to a thing and 688 00:42:10,720 --> 00:42:15,400 see what happens. But this was probably in the 689 00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:20,440 first half of the year, my biggest accomplishment in the 690 00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:23,200 first half of the year. And for me just having like not 691 00:42:23,600 --> 00:42:27,240 had as much sex as I was having pre February. 692 00:42:29,240 --> 00:42:31,880 Yeah, I I've been able to like really do shit. 693 00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:36,520 And you know, going back to the previous podcast episode, you're 694 00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:40,480 entitled to compensation, right? Like there the in in anime, the 695 00:42:40,480 --> 00:42:44,000 law of equivalent exchange for full metal Alchemist, right. 696 00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:47,640 Like you give up a thing or you give things away to the universe 697 00:42:47,640 --> 00:42:52,640 or it takes from you and then you have that void of potential 698 00:42:52,640 --> 00:42:56,760 for something else. Like I gave that up essentially, 699 00:42:56,760 --> 00:42:59,080 or it was taken from me, however we want to put it. 700 00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:02,840 And with that freed up energy, I wrote a fucking book. 701 00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:08,040 It's like what? So I got to do some of my own 702 00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:09,960 edits and then get that off to my publisher. 703 00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:13,120 Yes, I have a publisher. And then we'll we'll see what 704 00:43:13,440 --> 00:43:17,400 what happens. All right, the next portion is 705 00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:19,680 speaking about my health journey. 706 00:43:20,600 --> 00:43:26,080 So I mentioned starting these lifestyle changes when Ramadan 707 00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:30,360 had begun. And there was a friend of mine 708 00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:39,160 who is she's Muslim, I want to say, and she was practicing the 709 00:43:39,160 --> 00:43:41,760 fasting and the celibacy. I was like, you know what, I do 710 00:43:41,760 --> 00:43:47,880 it with you and I did it for like the day before just to test 711 00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:49,360 it out. And I was like, let me see if 712 00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:54,040 this is healthy for me. So I was, I've had high blood 713 00:43:54,040 --> 00:43:57,320 pressure since I was like 20 years old, probably earlier than 714 00:43:57,320 --> 00:43:58,640 that. That's when I was diagnosed. 715 00:43:59,080 --> 00:44:03,480 And then I was always hovering at the line for being pre 716 00:44:03,480 --> 00:44:10,000 diabetic. And most recently I went to the 717 00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:12,160 doctor and they told me you are pre diabetic. 718 00:44:12,160 --> 00:44:15,240 I was like OK, I know what I need to do just leave me alone. 719 00:44:15,240 --> 00:44:17,600 And I got it all right. I don't want to take medication. 720 00:44:18,240 --> 00:44:22,880 So I went to Ayurveda and I started to apply the things that 721 00:44:22,880 --> 00:44:27,040 I was learning, yoga therapy training and also using AI to 722 00:44:27,160 --> 00:44:31,280 help me, like condense that for what I know to be true about 723 00:44:31,280 --> 00:44:36,920 Ayurveda and apply it to myself. So I was also hovering around 724 00:44:36,920 --> 00:44:40,320 235 lbs. It was very hard for me to get 725 00:44:40,320 --> 00:44:42,520 out of the two 30s consistently, right? 726 00:44:42,520 --> 00:44:47,000 Like I'd see 229 and then I'd see 235 after a weekend of 727 00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:50,360 travelling or just like socializing, right? 728 00:44:50,840 --> 00:44:54,440 So that's where I was. I was consistently around 2:35. 729 00:44:54,960 --> 00:45:00,160 And this was in, yeah, this was in February, like mid February 730 00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:04,320 when I was like, fuck, I don't want to do this anymore. 731 00:45:05,080 --> 00:45:11,960 And so I made that shift. I started to apply not just 732 00:45:11,960 --> 00:45:16,320 Brahmacharia, but like this was one of the things that began to 733 00:45:16,320 --> 00:45:22,520 amplify in my life, which was that right use of energy to 734 00:45:22,520 --> 00:45:26,960 address these things because it was an energy leak whenever I 735 00:45:26,960 --> 00:45:30,960 just eat whatever I want or I was cooking like what was cheap. 736 00:45:32,080 --> 00:45:35,120 Like I was eating a lot of chicken thighs, brown rice and 737 00:45:35,640 --> 00:45:37,840 like broccoli, which the broccoli is not bad. 738 00:45:37,840 --> 00:45:40,720 The brown rice isn't bad, but I was eating them in very high 739 00:45:40,720 --> 00:45:45,400 qualities and quantities. I'm sorry, high quantities. 740 00:45:45,760 --> 00:45:49,800 And one of the things that I had to do is make a shift in how I 741 00:45:49,800 --> 00:45:51,920 was eating. So I eat the same shit at home. 742 00:45:51,920 --> 00:45:56,640 Now I eat spinach, quinoa and salmon for either lunch or 743 00:45:56,640 --> 00:46:00,400 dinner and then for breakfast I'm eating two large eggs mixed 744 00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:05,360 with some egg whites, spinach and sourdough bread. 745 00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:11,120 Now the big thing for me is the spices like I'm using. 746 00:46:11,160 --> 00:46:15,160 I'm cooking with turmeric, ginger powder, cumin powder, 747 00:46:15,800 --> 00:46:17,840 black pepper, onion and garlic powder. 748 00:46:18,040 --> 00:46:24,320 So these are spices that like heat up your digestive fire that 749 00:46:24,440 --> 00:46:27,840 allow and in the combination of the food allows for more of the 750 00:46:27,840 --> 00:46:31,600 nutrients to be absorbed into the body so that now I'm not 751 00:46:31,600 --> 00:46:33,600 like just shitting out what I eat. 752 00:46:33,920 --> 00:46:37,880 Now this is how I eat at home. So 80% of the time, this is what 753 00:46:37,880 --> 00:46:39,960 I'm eating and how I'm eating and the other 20 I'm eating 754 00:46:39,960 --> 00:46:42,400 whatever the fuck I want because can't nobody tell me shit, 755 00:46:42,760 --> 00:46:46,280 right? That's been working for me. 756 00:46:46,760 --> 00:46:53,920 And since getting into that and recognizing like the importance 757 00:46:53,920 --> 00:46:58,760 of like at home, I don't drink cold water or cold fluids 758 00:46:58,760 --> 00:47:00,920 really. If I'm out and about and I have 759 00:47:00,920 --> 00:47:06,040 to, I'll do it. But what that does is what the 760 00:47:06,200 --> 00:47:09,280 cold fluids and cold foods have done for me, especially for my 761 00:47:09,680 --> 00:47:14,760 Ayurveda composition. I'm very kapha and I hold on to 762 00:47:14,760 --> 00:47:18,200 things, so I shouldn't be eating things that are like heavy and 763 00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:23,280 and easy to hold on to, like heavy pasta, white sauce and I 764 00:47:23,280 --> 00:47:26,400 was making my black bean smoothies, but it was there was 765 00:47:26,400 --> 00:47:29,760 Greek yogurt, it was cold, the fruit was cold, everything was 766 00:47:29,760 --> 00:47:31,840 cold. So on one hand I'm getting all 767 00:47:31,840 --> 00:47:35,280 this protein and all this fiber and these nutrients, but it's 768 00:47:35,280 --> 00:47:37,440 like it's cold. So it's just kind of sitting 769 00:47:37,440 --> 00:47:39,480 there. And so I'm just like holding on 770 00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:42,880 to that on top of whatever I put in there as well. 771 00:47:43,160 --> 00:47:48,600 So I've been doing pea protein shakes instead. 772 00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:52,240 Like if I'm, if it's like in between when I should be eating 773 00:47:52,240 --> 00:47:55,840 or whatever, I have that to because I don't want to become 774 00:47:55,840 --> 00:47:59,160 like a little ass *** Like I want to be somebody that's still 775 00:47:59,160 --> 00:48:02,360 got my muscle tone. And I, I like how I'm looking. 776 00:48:02,360 --> 00:48:04,720 I'm loving it. You know, when I talk to people 777 00:48:04,720 --> 00:48:06,920 and they see me, they're like, Oh my God, like you look so like 778 00:48:06,920 --> 00:48:09,320 you're losing weight. I'm like, fuck yeah, I am. 779 00:48:09,440 --> 00:48:14,520 I'm putting the work in. So I am consistently hovering 780 00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:18,240 around 215 lbs. So on a full stomach yesterday I 781 00:48:18,240 --> 00:48:23,120 was 215 and this morning I woke up I was like 216 probably just 782 00:48:23,120 --> 00:48:27,960 drinking water or whatever, but I don't necessarily have a goal 783 00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:30,360 weight. I'm like, what does this look 784 00:48:30,360 --> 00:48:31,600 like? What does that look like? 785 00:48:31,600 --> 00:48:35,040 So we'll if I get to 200 lbs and we, we, we going to probably cut 786 00:48:35,040 --> 00:48:36,360 it there. I don't want to become too 787 00:48:36,360 --> 00:48:41,480 little, but I think that's somewhere between this. 788 00:48:41,520 --> 00:48:43,160 This right now seems sustainable. 789 00:48:43,680 --> 00:48:45,800 But I just got here. I just got the 2:15. 790 00:48:45,800 --> 00:48:48,680 So we'll see what kind of progressions continue. 791 00:48:48,920 --> 00:48:51,400 I'm still working out and lifting heavy at the gym. 792 00:48:51,840 --> 00:48:54,880 I'm practicing my yoga. I'm incorporated doing some 793 00:48:54,880 --> 00:48:58,200 running. So it is, it's popping. 794 00:48:58,200 --> 00:49:00,480 We getting it popping. But I've also been dancing too. 795 00:49:00,480 --> 00:49:03,120 So I think that that has a lot to do with it as well. 796 00:49:04,480 --> 00:49:08,800 So yeah, I found myself probably like significantly more horny 797 00:49:08,800 --> 00:49:14,320 too because of the way that I'm eating apparently cholesterol. 798 00:49:14,320 --> 00:49:18,400 I guess the right cholesterol fat combinations of food will 799 00:49:18,560 --> 00:49:23,560 raise your testosterone because I've been y'all is is been is 800 00:49:23,560 --> 00:49:27,520 been bad. And I don't want to do no dumb 801 00:49:27,520 --> 00:49:29,320 shit. I don't want to fuck around with 802 00:49:29,320 --> 00:49:36,000 the wrong person. So I am I, I have very what's 803 00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:40,200 the word I'm looking for? I got real ethical guidelines in 804 00:49:40,200 --> 00:49:42,360 place for me to not fuck this up. 805 00:49:42,720 --> 00:49:47,080 So I'm either going to be creating shit or the I'm going 806 00:49:47,080 --> 00:49:51,280 to eventually probably, I don't know, like we'll, we'll see. 807 00:49:51,280 --> 00:49:57,320 I don't want to say like be in a relationship just because I'm 808 00:49:57,320 --> 00:49:59,960 like extra horny or anything like that. 809 00:49:59,960 --> 00:50:04,520 But yeah, I, I like what I'm doing with this. 810 00:50:04,560 --> 00:50:10,400 But also like, I recognize that I need the I, I, I, I got needs. 811 00:50:10,440 --> 00:50:11,440 I got needs. All right. 812 00:50:12,160 --> 00:50:17,240 So I am a lot more focused. I am a lot more peaceful, except 813 00:50:17,240 --> 00:50:19,760 for when, you know, I had those moments where things get a 814 00:50:19,760 --> 00:50:24,560 little bit out of hand for me. I'm like, so that's why we go to 815 00:50:24,560 --> 00:50:27,120 the gym everyday. Oh, Speaking of, I've been 816 00:50:27,120 --> 00:50:29,760 taking rest days. I used to not do that, but now 817 00:50:29,760 --> 00:50:35,560 I'm I'm moderating myself and taking one or two rest days a 818 00:50:35,560 --> 00:50:37,040 week. Two rest days a week. 819 00:50:39,320 --> 00:50:41,440 Excuse me, how much more we got here? 820 00:50:41,680 --> 00:50:45,840 OK, not much more. All right, so that was the 821 00:50:45,840 --> 00:50:53,720 health stuff. And now I mentioned earlier not 822 00:50:53,720 --> 00:50:58,320 wanting to expand horizontally, but to more so go deeper into 823 00:50:58,320 --> 00:51:02,000 things, right into something positive, my yoga therapy 824 00:51:02,000 --> 00:51:05,080 training and then my genital exams job. 825 00:51:05,080 --> 00:51:06,880 So these are very important to me. 826 00:51:08,240 --> 00:51:15,240 So when I mentioned dancing, so I feel like a real dancer now 827 00:51:15,240 --> 00:51:18,520 because I bought some Fuegos, I bought some actual dance shoes. 828 00:51:18,520 --> 00:51:20,520 So I'm, I'm committed to this shit. 829 00:51:20,880 --> 00:51:24,600 Dancing has been so good for me. I've never moved my body in 830 00:51:24,600 --> 00:51:28,400 these ways. And I recognize like stuff that 831 00:51:28,560 --> 00:51:32,800 is coming up for me and dancing because in I, I fully understand 832 00:51:32,800 --> 00:51:37,040 somatic movement in the sense that like in yoga, typically 833 00:51:37,040 --> 00:51:38,480 you'll do yoga and just start crying. 834 00:51:38,480 --> 00:51:42,080 You won't know why, but a lot of trauma can be stored in the body 835 00:51:42,080 --> 00:51:45,120 that's stuck in stagnant energy that hasn't had an opportunity 836 00:51:45,120 --> 00:51:48,760 to move or had any awareness brought to it or to be expressed 837 00:51:48,760 --> 00:51:54,600 or communicated. That's the emotional release 838 00:51:54,600 --> 00:52:02,160 that dancing has been giving me. And one of the big releases that 839 00:52:02,160 --> 00:52:07,080 I had for myself was I used to care about how silly I look. 840 00:52:07,200 --> 00:52:09,600 And a lot of the music that I listen to, you don't dance to 841 00:52:09,600 --> 00:52:13,280 that. Like you hold up gun gestures 842 00:52:13,280 --> 00:52:17,040 and you like mix up drugs. Like that's the shit that I was 843 00:52:17,040 --> 00:52:21,360 listening to and I'm hearing things that are just like 844 00:52:21,920 --> 00:52:24,480 melodic. Like there's a melody and 845 00:52:24,480 --> 00:52:29,120 there's the lyricism to it and it's just music that you you 846 00:52:29,120 --> 00:52:31,560 dance to. You just move to like you ain't 847 00:52:31,560 --> 00:52:36,680 motivated to go sell drugs and, and buy guns and hustle and all 848 00:52:36,680 --> 00:52:38,720 that shit. Like that's what I used to 849 00:52:38,760 --> 00:52:44,760 listen to or like love making music for R&B and now I'm 850 00:52:44,760 --> 00:52:47,440 hearing shit that's not any of that. 851 00:52:47,440 --> 00:52:50,240 And for the first time, like I'm receiving it, I'm hearing it. 852 00:52:50,480 --> 00:52:55,360 And now like I want to move my body and it just fucking feels 853 00:52:55,360 --> 00:52:57,720 weird. Like I'm facing my own internal 854 00:52:57,720 --> 00:53:02,160 judgment of moving my shoulders like this or doing a body roll. 855 00:53:02,200 --> 00:53:08,000 You see that I got it right. That's not how I've move my 856 00:53:08,000 --> 00:53:11,200 body. My body has been a a weapon on a 857 00:53:11,200 --> 00:53:13,760 team, right? Like I've used it for football. 858 00:53:14,000 --> 00:53:17,360 I've used it to put through pain of developing muscle and 859 00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:23,040 exercising at the gym I've run and that and and being sexual, 860 00:53:23,440 --> 00:53:28,440 right. So those emotions I have like I 861 00:53:28,440 --> 00:53:31,560 don't have to think about. And now with dancing, it's been 862 00:53:31,560 --> 00:53:35,920 seven months now and you know, I, I know I look a little stiff, 863 00:53:35,920 --> 00:53:38,040 I know I look silly, but I'm getting better. 864 00:53:39,600 --> 00:53:42,320 I, I love anime references, solo levelling. 865 00:53:42,360 --> 00:53:45,600 Sung Jin Wu, the main character of the story, he is the worst 866 00:53:45,600 --> 00:53:48,520 hunter, he is the worst character. 867 00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:51,160 He knows this, people know this, they call him this. 868 00:53:51,560 --> 00:53:55,080 And there comes a time where he, he just keeps showing up. 869 00:53:55,080 --> 00:53:57,240 He almost dies, but he keeps showing up. 870 00:53:57,800 --> 00:54:04,800 And he was given the opportunity to, you know, save people to be 871 00:54:04,800 --> 00:54:07,480 the best hunter. And he was the best from a 872 00:54:07,480 --> 00:54:09,240 values perspective. And he was given a second 873 00:54:09,240 --> 00:54:11,040 chance. He was given the ability to 874 00:54:11,040 --> 00:54:14,360 level himself up. And all he had to do was honor 875 00:54:14,360 --> 00:54:16,400 his discipline. And as he honored that 876 00:54:16,400 --> 00:54:19,840 discipline, he leveled up. He got taller, he became more 877 00:54:19,840 --> 00:54:22,760 handsome, he got faster, he got stronger, right? 878 00:54:23,080 --> 00:54:26,160 And he was able to tap into these abilities. 879 00:54:26,160 --> 00:54:31,400 So that is like where I'm feeling like I'm at now because 880 00:54:31,800 --> 00:54:34,120 I'm showing up. I might be the worst dancer in 881 00:54:34,120 --> 00:54:36,600 the room, clearly worst dancer in the room. 882 00:54:36,600 --> 00:54:42,240 Y'all, when I tell y'all like I, I know, I know I am, but that 883 00:54:42,240 --> 00:54:44,280 ain't, that ain't the case. That ain't always going to be 884 00:54:44,280 --> 00:54:46,520 the case. And I, I know that and I'm, I'm 885 00:54:46,520 --> 00:54:48,640 sticking to that shit and I know I'm sticking to it because I 886 00:54:48,640 --> 00:54:50,880 bought these $150.00 ass pair of shoes. 887 00:54:51,120 --> 00:54:55,920 So I'm there and what was triggered by that? 888 00:54:55,920 --> 00:55:00,080 I remember that was a comment that my X-Men and I'm it's been 889 00:55:00,080 --> 00:55:02,240 more than a year, so I feel like I can talk about it now. 890 00:55:02,600 --> 00:55:04,240 I remember like being made fun of. 891 00:55:04,240 --> 00:55:06,480 We were in the car one day and I was like, I was dancing. 892 00:55:06,800 --> 00:55:09,840 I was like, I felt safe and comfortable because it's the 893 00:55:09,840 --> 00:55:11,840 person that I'm with like I don't fucking dance. 894 00:55:12,200 --> 00:55:14,440 And she made fun of me for dancing to the words. 895 00:55:14,560 --> 00:55:18,120 She was like, just like you, you danced to the words. 896 00:55:18,120 --> 00:55:20,920 And I always thought that was bad, like from that moment. 897 00:55:21,280 --> 00:55:24,840 So I was like, oh, I guess I'm not supposed to do that. 898 00:55:25,680 --> 00:55:29,520 Come and find out in dance class, you know, I'm I'm doing 899 00:55:29,520 --> 00:55:31,440 the mechanics of it. I know the steps, I know the 900 00:55:31,440 --> 00:55:34,240 basic, I know the simple turn. I know the very Genia. 901 00:55:34,240 --> 00:55:40,400 I know later all that shit and I'm hit with, yeah, Just Dance 902 00:55:40,400 --> 00:55:42,760 to the musicality. Yeah, You Can Dance to the 903 00:55:42,760 --> 00:55:43,960 lyrics. Like have fun with it. 904 00:55:43,960 --> 00:55:46,640 Play, be silly. And I'm watching people do it. 905 00:55:46,640 --> 00:55:49,800 That shit looks smooth. And I was like, wait, you can do 906 00:55:49,800 --> 00:55:52,320 that. I was like, you can do that. 907 00:55:54,400 --> 00:55:57,920 I was like, what? Like my my fucking mind was 908 00:55:57,920 --> 00:56:00,960 bald. But I also had that that memory 909 00:56:00,960 --> 00:56:05,280 unlocked that was just there that I otherwise wouldn't have 910 00:56:05,280 --> 00:56:10,520 had access to if I wasn't dancing, if I wasn't moving my 911 00:56:10,520 --> 00:56:14,600 body, if I wasn't, you know, in that place. 912 00:56:14,920 --> 00:56:19,040 Because so much of things that we want to do, there's a mental 913 00:56:19,040 --> 00:56:22,200 block or an emotional block that's connected to something 914 00:56:22,200 --> 00:56:25,520 that happened that maybe it was just easier to forget about. 915 00:56:25,960 --> 00:56:29,440 And I recognize too, like after all this time and all this 916 00:56:29,440 --> 00:56:35,880 moving around and, and living and shedding shit, that another 917 00:56:35,880 --> 00:56:39,200 thing that I need to let go of is my own accountability and 918 00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:43,440 responsibility for, you know, the, my relationship that I 919 00:56:43,440 --> 00:56:48,480 thought was going to be it ending because one of the 920 00:56:48,480 --> 00:56:51,080 stories that I had told myself is it's my fault. 921 00:56:51,240 --> 00:56:53,600 I'm the reason I did. It's all on me. 922 00:56:53,600 --> 00:56:56,040 It's what I did. She was no Angel. 923 00:56:58,120 --> 00:57:02,200 And the more like time that passes and the more that I've 924 00:57:02,200 --> 00:57:06,440 been like dancing and moving my body differently, I feel myself 925 00:57:06,440 --> 00:57:11,280 letting go of how harsh I was to myself, how hard I was on myself 926 00:57:11,560 --> 00:57:13,400 for the relationship not working out. 927 00:57:14,280 --> 00:57:20,960 And in that I'm letting shit go. I didn't realize like it was so 928 00:57:20,960 --> 00:57:24,760 hard for me to even date or meet people because of this block 929 00:57:24,760 --> 00:57:26,720 that I had. Like I had so much shame and 930 00:57:26,720 --> 00:57:32,680 guilt around me being as sexual as I want to be and how as I 931 00:57:32,680 --> 00:57:36,240 have been in the past for the way that I think, the way that I 932 00:57:36,240 --> 00:57:39,040 am, the way that I behave, ain't nothing wrong with me. 933 00:57:39,880 --> 00:57:43,880 And in dancing, I've learned that there is nothing wrong with 934 00:57:43,880 --> 00:57:44,920 me. There's nothing wrong with the 935 00:57:44,920 --> 00:57:47,200 way I move. Do it on beat so that, you know, 936 00:57:47,200 --> 00:57:51,360 I can be followed, which is a whole nother thing because like, 937 00:57:53,560 --> 00:57:58,760 I think that I've learned to not trust myself. 938 00:57:58,800 --> 00:58:03,160 I've learned to distrust myself. So one of the challenges that I 939 00:58:03,160 --> 00:58:07,000 faced not just in dance, but in dating in general and with 940 00:58:07,040 --> 00:58:10,680 everything outside of something positive for positive people is 941 00:58:10,920 --> 00:58:13,600 being decisive. I am so decisive when it comes 942 00:58:13,600 --> 00:58:16,840 to this shit, but I'm not decisive on the dance floor. 943 00:58:16,960 --> 00:58:21,120 So my, my follower doesn't know where I'm going because I don't 944 00:58:21,120 --> 00:58:23,320 know where I'm going to go. So I how can I know where to 945 00:58:23,320 --> 00:58:26,480 take them? And then in dating, I'm shooting 946 00:58:26,480 --> 00:58:29,280 my shot and I'm fucking up because I'm not being decisive 947 00:58:29,280 --> 00:58:34,440 in, you know, being like, Hey, I find you attractive, wanting to 948 00:58:34,440 --> 00:58:35,640 come say hi. I'm Courtney. 949 00:58:35,640 --> 00:58:38,600 What's your name? Can I take you out right. 950 00:58:38,600 --> 00:58:41,800 It's so easy. It is so easy. 951 00:58:42,320 --> 00:58:48,280 And the mental blocks of and, and insecurities that I think 952 00:58:48,440 --> 00:58:55,600 have been instilled in me from past relationship, past times of 953 00:58:55,600 --> 00:58:59,840 things, it's fucked me up. I've been fucked up for the past 954 00:58:59,840 --> 00:59:04,800 year plus you're plus I've been getting fucked up for probably 2 955 00:59:04,800 --> 00:59:08,800 years. But for the last year, I think 956 00:59:08,800 --> 00:59:11,760 that I've now for the first time, especially through dance, 957 00:59:12,040 --> 00:59:15,960 like recognize these frictions that I've been creating for 958 00:59:15,960 --> 00:59:18,880 myself and that have been instilled in me. 959 00:59:20,440 --> 00:59:26,360 And so much of what I've done and not really having to be 960 00:59:26,360 --> 00:59:30,040 decisive or struggling with that decisiveness has been putting 961 00:59:30,040 --> 00:59:34,320 that onto external factors, putting that onto my 962 00:59:34,320 --> 00:59:39,200 relationships or partners or people like playing Call of Duty 963 00:59:39,200 --> 00:59:42,160 is a great example. I think I mentioned this before. 964 00:59:42,360 --> 00:59:45,600 If it's, you know, I'm the last person left and there's a buy 965 00:59:45,600 --> 00:59:51,280 station, I can bring back my teammates or I can trust myself 966 00:59:51,280 --> 00:59:53,560 to win the game. I'm going to make the play to 967 00:59:53,560 --> 00:59:56,200 bring back my teammates regardless of them coming in 968 00:59:56,200 --> 00:59:58,440 disadvantaged. If I got all my shit that I'm 969 00:59:58,440 --> 01:00:02,320 set up to win the game. Like the the parallel there of 970 01:00:03,600 --> 01:00:06,640 not trusting myself and not being decisive, like I'll be 971 01:00:06,640 --> 01:00:08,160 decisive. It's like, Nope, I'm buying 972 01:00:08,160 --> 01:00:10,520 that. But now I got to be decisive in 973 01:00:10,520 --> 01:00:11,760 that. I trust myself. 974 01:00:11,760 --> 01:00:13,800 I trust my past experience. I've been playing Call of Duty 975 01:00:13,800 --> 01:00:16,920 for years. I can beat these *** Like it's, 976 01:00:16,920 --> 01:00:19,120 it's all right, cool, three teams left, let them fight it 977 01:00:19,120 --> 01:00:22,200 out and it's going to be me versus whoever and I can win. 978 01:00:23,200 --> 01:00:26,280 But that that confidence and that trust, right? 979 01:00:26,280 --> 01:00:30,080 Like there's a friction, even if I have past experiences where 980 01:00:30,080 --> 01:00:32,720 I've done this shit before. Like, I was thinking about it 981 01:00:32,720 --> 01:00:35,280 and I was like, you know what? Like it. 982 01:00:35,320 --> 01:00:39,200 It's it's very difficult for me to talk to new women that don't 983 01:00:39,200 --> 01:00:41,040 know me from the Internet. Right. 984 01:00:41,360 --> 01:00:43,160 And I had to remember I did that. 985 01:00:43,240 --> 01:00:46,080 I was just walking down the street, headphones off, and 986 01:00:46,360 --> 01:00:47,840 somebody was next to me who was running. 987 01:00:47,840 --> 01:00:50,000 And I looked over and I was like, oh, you work out at the 988 01:00:50,080 --> 01:00:51,840 gym, don't you? You're like, oh, yeah, I'm 989 01:00:51,840 --> 01:00:52,640 Courtney. What's your name? 990 01:00:52,920 --> 01:00:55,440 Oh, yeah, this is my name. I was like, oh, well, it was 991 01:00:55,440 --> 01:00:57,600 good seeing you. We chatted a little bit and then 992 01:00:57,600 --> 01:01:00,240 just went on about our way. And it was so easy. 993 01:01:00,240 --> 01:01:08,240 Like I I forget that these no steaks interactions where I'm 994 01:01:08,240 --> 01:01:11,840 not dependent on any kind of an outcome, that that's what this 995 01:01:11,840 --> 01:01:13,440 shit is supposed to start out of it. 996 01:01:13,680 --> 01:01:16,720 I'm supposed to do that first. Like just can you have a 997 01:01:16,720 --> 01:01:20,000 conversation? I don't need to go into every 998 01:01:20,000 --> 01:01:22,880 interaction knowing what I want. And this is another thing that 999 01:01:23,040 --> 01:01:24,960 got me in trouble, like being intentional. 1000 01:01:24,960 --> 01:01:26,800 Like what are your intentions? What are your intentions? 1001 01:01:26,800 --> 01:01:28,960 What are your boundaries? What are your like knowing that 1002 01:01:28,960 --> 01:01:30,520 stuff? You don't have to know that 1003 01:01:30,800 --> 01:01:34,320 because it changes with people. I don't know what I want from 1004 01:01:34,320 --> 01:01:36,800 somebody that I just see who I'm attracted to. 1005 01:01:37,160 --> 01:01:39,040 I don't, I don't, I don't know that. 1006 01:01:39,760 --> 01:01:40,840 I don't know what I want with you. 1007 01:01:40,840 --> 01:01:42,320 I don't know if I want a relationship. 1008 01:01:42,320 --> 01:01:43,360 I don't know if I want a friendship. 1009 01:01:43,360 --> 01:01:47,120 I don't know if I want to create something with you. 1010 01:01:47,800 --> 01:01:52,400 I don't. And I have put myself in this 1011 01:01:52,400 --> 01:01:55,880 like paralysis state. And how you do one thing is 1012 01:01:55,880 --> 01:01:57,360 oftentimes how you do everything. 1013 01:01:57,600 --> 01:02:01,000 That overthinking shit has been huge for me. 1014 01:02:01,000 --> 01:02:08,640 I've been overthinking because being authentic was bad in my 1015 01:02:08,640 --> 01:02:14,680 last relationship. Me being who I was was a problem 1016 01:02:16,040 --> 01:02:20,120 and that created a friction because it's like OK I I can't 1017 01:02:20,120 --> 01:02:23,080 be who I am. So rather than me changing who I 1018 01:02:23,080 --> 01:02:25,880 am, let me just change the things I do, which will then 1019 01:02:25,880 --> 01:02:32,120 hide who I really AM and make for there to be less friction in 1020 01:02:32,120 --> 01:02:35,200 this environment. And that's that. 1021 01:02:35,800 --> 01:02:38,200 That's the friction. That's where you 'cause that 1022 01:02:38,200 --> 01:02:41,040 friction. Like if we're energetic systems, 1023 01:02:41,040 --> 01:02:44,560 if we look how electrical circuits operate, if there's any 1024 01:02:44,560 --> 01:02:47,560 heat or friction, something's going to short circuit, whether 1025 01:02:47,560 --> 01:02:50,160 it be the fuse box or the device that is plugged into it. 1026 01:02:52,200 --> 01:02:57,280 And that, that ain't me. What I've been learning through 1027 01:02:57,680 --> 01:03:01,800 brahmacharya, right use of energy, is to align, like 1028 01:03:01,840 --> 01:03:04,960 authentically be myself. Removing that friction is as 1029 01:03:04,960 --> 01:03:07,800 simple as being yourself. People say that shit and it 1030 01:03:07,800 --> 01:03:13,040 sounds so simple and it is so simple, but we make it 1031 01:03:13,040 --> 01:03:17,680 complicated. Being yourself, remove that 1032 01:03:17,680 --> 01:03:20,600 friction. The in between of what you think 1033 01:03:20,640 --> 01:03:24,280 and how you behave, That's heat, that's friction. 1034 01:03:24,280 --> 01:03:28,080 All that time in between taking the action, that's generating 1035 01:03:28,080 --> 01:03:33,920 friction. And if you got to make changes 1036 01:03:33,920 --> 01:03:37,720 that don't align with what your beliefs are, that's friction. 1037 01:03:38,400 --> 01:03:40,920 So letting these two things align, your behaviors and your 1038 01:03:40,920 --> 01:03:44,400 beliefs align. Now, this is not the same as 1039 01:03:45,360 --> 01:03:48,280 you're trying a new thing. If you're the kind of person who 1040 01:03:48,440 --> 01:03:51,640 you know tries a new thing, you believe that you can learn a 1041 01:03:51,640 --> 01:03:56,040 thing. You see yourself like wanting to 1042 01:03:56,040 --> 01:03:59,240 incorporate this part, this, this thing into your identity, 1043 01:03:59,240 --> 01:04:00,640 your being. You can do that. 1044 01:04:02,120 --> 01:04:07,320 And it's not a matter of casting away or getting rid of anything 1045 01:04:07,320 --> 01:04:12,000 or adding to, but it's more so about removing the resistances 1046 01:04:12,600 --> 01:04:15,600 to allow for that to be a thing because obviously you're drawn 1047 01:04:15,600 --> 01:04:22,400 to it for a reason. So, yeah, the, the, the energy 1048 01:04:22,400 --> 01:04:28,920 that I have placed in the past externally, like leaking and 1049 01:04:28,920 --> 01:04:33,880 just trying to, you know, find relationships, dating partners, 1050 01:04:33,960 --> 01:04:37,280 like or what, who I would end up with. 1051 01:04:38,600 --> 01:04:42,520 Those were energetic leaks. And I don't think that there was 1052 01:04:42,520 --> 01:04:49,680 ever really any like, no, I, I, I'm, I'm not gonna, I'm not 1053 01:04:49,680 --> 01:04:52,080 gonna finish that sentence that because that's not true. 1054 01:04:53,680 --> 01:04:59,200 What I'm the point that I'm trying to make is the importance 1055 01:04:59,200 --> 01:05:04,040 of authenticity, that alignment between your beliefs and your 1056 01:05:04,040 --> 01:05:08,240 behaviors, right. I didn't. 1057 01:05:09,880 --> 01:05:12,440 It didn't feel safe for my beliefs to be what they were. 1058 01:05:13,960 --> 01:05:17,240 So I behaved in a way that I thought I was supposed to behave 1059 01:05:17,760 --> 01:05:21,520 and therefore creating friction internally because of what my 1060 01:05:21,520 --> 01:05:26,280 behaviors are externally and pursuing things that don't align 1061 01:05:26,280 --> 01:05:28,840 with what my beliefs were. Pursuing those kinds of 1062 01:05:28,840 --> 01:05:31,400 relationships and doing the things and saying things. 1063 01:05:31,400 --> 01:05:33,160 And that's the point that I was trying to make. 1064 01:05:33,560 --> 01:05:36,480 So now my beliefs and behaviors are more so aligning. 1065 01:05:38,880 --> 01:05:43,040 Yeah, the more the dreams and the meaning dreams. 1066 01:05:43,480 --> 01:05:44,760 Why did I put that? Oh, OK. 1067 01:05:45,400 --> 01:05:48,880 Again, going back to the movements, dancing is sparking a 1068 01:05:48,880 --> 01:05:52,520 lot of dreams. And I'm remembering shit that 1069 01:05:52,960 --> 01:05:55,360 I've never said out loud. I still won't say out loud. 1070 01:05:55,760 --> 01:06:02,280 And these things in the dream, I finally see what they represent. 1071 01:06:02,280 --> 01:06:07,280 It's not about who's in them, but people are like, oh, in your 1072 01:06:07,280 --> 01:06:09,640 dreams, you're everybody. Whoever is in it, it's you. 1073 01:06:10,360 --> 01:06:14,800 Yeah, I don't know that I believe that, but I do. 1074 01:06:15,280 --> 01:06:18,360 There, there's been reoccurring dreams that I've had and there 1075 01:06:18,360 --> 01:06:22,280 have been dreams like about my past relationship as well. 1076 01:06:22,640 --> 01:06:28,800 And I think that most recently, which is like 2 days ago, I came 1077 01:06:28,800 --> 01:06:32,280 to the understanding and realization of what dreaming 1078 01:06:32,280 --> 01:06:35,080 about a particular person in this context means. 1079 01:06:35,440 --> 01:06:38,640 And it's what that represented. Like this was supposed to be it 1080 01:06:38,640 --> 01:06:41,320 for me. This was beating the game like 1081 01:06:41,320 --> 01:06:44,000 we doing life together. Let's go on side quests together 1082 01:06:44,000 --> 01:06:46,600 and keep like doing our our thing. 1083 01:06:47,480 --> 01:06:52,040 And that wasn't the truth. But I recognize that that's 1084 01:06:52,040 --> 01:06:58,000 still what I want. Like I want that relationship 1085 01:06:58,040 --> 01:07:02,160 where we're we're working to beat the game together and going 1086 01:07:02,160 --> 01:07:06,880 on side quests together is the best way that I can like and and 1087 01:07:06,880 --> 01:07:10,680 analogically, analogically that sound like anal sex. 1088 01:07:12,160 --> 01:07:15,200 That's how I can. That's the best analogy for it. 1089 01:07:15,480 --> 01:07:21,480 There we go. And yeah, like I yeah, I thought 1090 01:07:21,480 --> 01:07:23,400 that was it. I thought that was it. 1091 01:07:23,400 --> 01:07:27,840 And as I move my body and my subconscious, like, all right, 1092 01:07:27,840 --> 01:07:31,680 Courtney, like now that you're moving that energy, like, here's 1093 01:07:31,680 --> 01:07:33,480 what else needs to be cleared up. 1094 01:07:33,880 --> 01:07:38,080 Here's I, I take the things from my dreams and I bring them into 1095 01:07:38,080 --> 01:07:41,800 reality through journaling. I, I'll meditate on them. 1096 01:07:41,880 --> 01:07:45,080 I'll ask myself questions about it, like, what did I dream? 1097 01:07:45,080 --> 01:07:46,440 What, what could that have meant? 1098 01:07:46,960 --> 01:07:49,680 And I'll feel in my body what does and doesn't align. 1099 01:07:50,320 --> 01:07:55,840 And again, like I was not able to do this when energy was being 1100 01:07:55,840 --> 01:08:00,440 leaked all over the place. Like I feel like such a more 1101 01:08:00,440 --> 01:08:07,280 suitable and fitting storehouse of and for the energy that is 1102 01:08:07,280 --> 01:08:14,480 just moving and is where it is, 'cause I don't think you run out 1103 01:08:14,960 --> 01:08:17,319 of energy. Like you can deplete yourself, 1104 01:08:17,319 --> 01:08:19,720 exhaust yourself, but you're constantly being fueled. 1105 01:08:19,720 --> 01:08:22,720 So if you're exhausting yourself faster than you're able to 1106 01:08:22,720 --> 01:08:25,439 replenish yourself, which is something that was happening to 1107 01:08:25,439 --> 01:08:28,439 me as well in my previous relationship, then that's where 1108 01:08:28,439 --> 01:08:30,880 we burn out. But the reason that that 1109 01:08:30,880 --> 01:08:33,200 exhaustion was happening so fast is because there was a 1110 01:08:33,200 --> 01:08:35,479 misalignment between my beliefs and my behavior. 1111 01:08:35,479 --> 01:08:40,319 So I created that friction. I allowed for further friction 1112 01:08:40,600 --> 01:08:45,279 to continue to build so my replenishment wasn't happening 1113 01:08:45,279 --> 01:08:47,600 as fast as it does with something positive for positive 1114 01:08:47,600 --> 01:08:50,120 people. This feels so aligned for me 1115 01:08:50,319 --> 01:08:53,240 that it feels like I'm not pouring my own energy into 1116 01:08:53,240 --> 01:08:56,120 anything except for when I got to do these fucking taxes or 1117 01:08:56,120 --> 01:08:57,960 when I got to do like administrative work. 1118 01:08:57,960 --> 01:09:00,520 When I need to make presentations, if I have to make 1119 01:09:00,520 --> 01:09:04,160 a social media post, like that's when I'm using Courtney Energy, 1120 01:09:05,880 --> 01:09:10,439 but recording these podcasts, infinite energy, hosting these 1121 01:09:10,439 --> 01:09:14,000 support groups, doing the support calls, teaching the yoga 1122 01:09:14,000 --> 01:09:16,920 when I do these presentations, Infinite energy. 1123 01:09:19,080 --> 01:09:21,920 And one of the things that I know has gotten me in trouble in 1124 01:09:21,920 --> 01:09:26,399 relationships is like this version of me is attractive. 1125 01:09:26,399 --> 01:09:29,560 It's magnetic. It it, there's a a gravity that 1126 01:09:29,560 --> 01:09:36,359 draws people to me in this state, this way that I am now 1127 01:09:36,359 --> 01:09:39,800 all retrospective and shit. But the reality is I'm fucking 1128 01:09:39,800 --> 01:09:43,880 human. I fuck up, I have bodily urges, 1129 01:09:43,920 --> 01:09:46,800 I take shits. I don't do everything right. 1130 01:09:46,800 --> 01:09:52,800 I don't do it perfectly. I'm a nerd and and this isn't 1131 01:09:52,800 --> 01:09:58,120 going to translate into the next section here, but again, I'm 1132 01:09:58,120 --> 01:10:04,360 human and I got to do a better job of setting the expectations 1133 01:10:04,360 --> 01:10:07,320 of being human. Like this, this, this version of 1134 01:10:07,320 --> 01:10:13,040 me, like this is who I am. But I find that like people want 1135 01:10:13,120 --> 01:10:23,080 this Courtney 100% of the time and this Courtney needs rest. 1136 01:10:23,400 --> 01:10:26,760 This version of me, like I can't be in this state all the time 1137 01:10:28,160 --> 01:10:31,560 now, while this is like something positive for positive 1138 01:10:31,560 --> 01:10:35,880 people, the podcast, the support groups and calls, these are 1139 01:10:37,360 --> 01:10:41,160 amplifications of who I really am outside of this. 1140 01:10:41,160 --> 01:10:44,520 I ain't going to say I'm boring, but like I'm very simple. 1141 01:10:44,520 --> 01:10:46,680 I live a very simple. Like I said, I already told you 1142 01:10:46,680 --> 01:10:49,680 what I eat. I eat salmon, spinach and quinoa 1143 01:10:50,240 --> 01:10:53,960 and then for breakfast it's eggs, egg whites, mixed spinach 1144 01:10:54,160 --> 01:10:57,720 and then sourdough toes. That's my that's my everyday at 1145 01:10:57,720 --> 01:11:01,720 home. But outside of that shit, catch 1146 01:11:01,960 --> 01:11:07,160 me catch me getting dumplings or Thai food or what I had last 1147 01:11:07,160 --> 01:11:11,640 night Mediterranean that that's a new word for me. 1148 01:11:11,640 --> 01:11:13,520 Like I think I just discovered Mediterranean. 1149 01:11:13,720 --> 01:11:15,160 But anyway, that's not the point. 1150 01:11:16,640 --> 01:11:18,240 Yeah. I, I think that having these 1151 01:11:18,240 --> 01:11:22,240 dreams and dancing has helped me realize like what I actually 1152 01:11:22,600 --> 01:11:27,160 true desire and what my dreams and reoccurring dreams and like 1153 01:11:27,160 --> 01:11:30,120 what really happened in my last relationship, which I'm not, I'm 1154 01:11:30,120 --> 01:11:35,280 not going to talk about. I have closure with that because 1155 01:11:35,280 --> 01:11:39,440 sometimes no closure is closure. But I didn't recognize the leaks 1156 01:11:39,640 --> 01:11:44,400 that were happening within me by not accepting the reality, which 1157 01:11:45,040 --> 01:11:48,600 is it Satya Satya's truthfulness, I was lying to 1158 01:11:48,600 --> 01:11:51,240 myself about what really happened in the relationship, 1159 01:11:51,240 --> 01:11:54,080 like by taking full blame and responsibility and beating 1160 01:11:54,080 --> 01:11:58,480 myself up about it. So Satya, that'll, that'll be 1161 01:11:58,480 --> 01:12:02,040 something we probably have a theme for later as well. 1162 01:12:02,040 --> 01:12:04,240 But it's important that we be honest with ourselves. 1163 01:12:04,720 --> 01:12:07,480 And I wasn't honest with myself. And that was causing an 1164 01:12:07,480 --> 01:12:10,960 energetic leap. So Brahmacharia as the right use 1165 01:12:10,960 --> 01:12:16,240 of energy, being something that applied to an attitude with the 1166 01:12:16,240 --> 01:12:20,000 semantics of dancing has helped me with breaking up my friction, 1167 01:12:20,480 --> 01:12:24,600 breaking up that cooling my system, my nervous system. 1168 01:12:24,600 --> 01:12:27,520 Like this shit ain't supposed to be hot and frictionless, right? 1169 01:12:27,720 --> 01:12:30,880 Herpes is already in my nervous system, but it's a tool for 1170 01:12:30,880 --> 01:12:35,080 recalibration, for being able to cool the system. 1171 01:12:35,080 --> 01:12:37,760 If that shit gets hot and friction builds, that's when 1172 01:12:37,760 --> 01:12:40,440 herpes has a response. It's like a sit your ass down, 1173 01:12:40,600 --> 01:12:44,160 like it's a emergency valve, so to speak. 1174 01:12:44,160 --> 01:12:47,640 And the way that I look at this shit now is incredible because 1175 01:12:47,640 --> 01:12:50,600 I'd have never thought about herpes in this way 13 years ago. 1176 01:12:50,920 --> 01:12:56,640 But it is a very powerful and helpful tool for keeping, for 1177 01:12:56,640 --> 01:12:58,800 cooling the nervous system. We're going to naturally 1178 01:12:58,800 --> 01:13:02,280 generate heat sometimes, but when we are in alignment, that's 1179 01:13:02,280 --> 01:13:06,200 where herpes is just chilling. It's just dormant and it's got 1180 01:13:06,200 --> 01:13:07,960 his feet up. It's just watching the system. 1181 01:13:07,960 --> 01:13:11,120 Like, let me make sure this motherfucker don't overheat. 1182 01:13:12,720 --> 01:13:18,240 So closing out this section horizontal, here we go. 1183 01:13:20,360 --> 01:13:25,080 I think that yeah, the horizontal expansion versus 1184 01:13:25,080 --> 01:13:28,480 vertical depth. I believe that having the 1185 01:13:28,480 --> 01:13:34,280 opportunity to explore polyamory specifically and I'm again, I, I 1186 01:13:34,280 --> 01:13:38,360 want a fluid relationship, fluid relationship dynamic where we 1187 01:13:38,360 --> 01:13:40,960 can talk about the things that we want to do. 1188 01:13:41,360 --> 01:13:44,880 I don't care about the like, I don't, I don't want to have 1189 01:13:44,880 --> 01:13:50,840 multiple relationships. I want the fluidity and the 1190 01:13:50,840 --> 01:13:56,160 values of non monogamy more so align with me than the values of 1191 01:13:56,160 --> 01:13:59,880 monogamy. And that's like what I think 1192 01:13:59,880 --> 01:14:02,240 I've been afraid to say. I think I've been scared to say 1193 01:14:02,240 --> 01:14:09,040 that shit, but it gave me the ability to latitudinally expand. 1194 01:14:09,240 --> 01:14:12,360 So having multiple partners, multiple relationships, 1195 01:14:12,360 --> 01:14:13,760 everybody knows about each other. 1196 01:14:13,760 --> 01:14:16,840 I'm able to live my truth and be honest and everything. 1197 01:14:17,160 --> 01:14:21,640 And that was fun. That was healthy. 1198 01:14:21,640 --> 01:14:25,360 That was something that I was able to grow from, but it wasn't 1199 01:14:25,360 --> 01:14:30,440 sustainable for me because what energy I had to give to being 1200 01:14:30,440 --> 01:14:34,200 polyamorous was energy that goes into this. 1201 01:14:35,280 --> 01:14:39,840 This is what was leaking out when I had all that free time 1202 01:14:40,080 --> 01:14:44,440 where two weeks from the day where the tornado hit and then 1203 01:14:44,440 --> 01:14:47,760 took my home and after that happened, I was lost. 1204 01:14:48,120 --> 01:14:51,280 I didn't have any like groundedness. 1205 01:14:51,280 --> 01:14:53,560 There was no place for me to store my energy. 1206 01:14:53,560 --> 01:15:00,040 I was just like giving that shit away and it took me several 1207 01:15:00,040 --> 01:15:02,680 months and I, I shout out the people that really held me down 1208 01:15:03,520 --> 01:15:06,920 and I, I let them know I was like, Hey, the quantity of what 1209 01:15:06,920 --> 01:15:08,920 I have to give is significantly less. 1210 01:15:08,920 --> 01:15:11,560 But the quality of what I have is fucking incredible. 1211 01:15:12,080 --> 01:15:16,960 And unfortunately that hasn't, that wasn't enough for some of 1212 01:15:16,960 --> 01:15:19,520 those people. And then, you know, the the 1213 01:15:19,520 --> 01:15:23,200 greater the power source, like the shorter the range, I want to 1214 01:15:23,200 --> 01:15:29,040 say So, yeah, it is hard to deliver this quality of energy 1215 01:15:29,040 --> 01:15:33,320 and presence that I now have at long range, long distance, 1216 01:15:33,440 --> 01:15:35,680 right. So, you know, the people who are 1217 01:15:35,680 --> 01:15:37,840 close to me, they they get that from me. 1218 01:15:37,840 --> 01:15:39,160 And that's why we're still so close. 1219 01:15:39,160 --> 01:15:43,760 That's why I can talk, go and see one of my friends out in San 1220 01:15:43,760 --> 01:15:47,920 Jose once a year. And it's like we brothers, 1221 01:15:48,920 --> 01:15:52,600 that's why I can have like a deep conversation with one or 1222 01:15:52,600 --> 01:15:55,760 two, 3-4 my friends, you know, a couple of times a year. 1223 01:15:55,760 --> 01:16:01,320 And it's like we don't skip a beat because that short range of 1224 01:16:01,320 --> 01:16:05,920 the presence, like we, we know the value of it. 1225 01:16:06,800 --> 01:16:10,280 So I guess like relationship wise, like there, there's 1226 01:16:10,280 --> 01:16:12,520 alignments. If people just don't align with 1227 01:16:12,520 --> 01:16:14,160 it, then it's not going to align. 1228 01:16:14,200 --> 01:16:18,640 It's not going to work out. So yeah, I, I, I do want to go 1229 01:16:18,640 --> 01:16:21,360 deeper vertically. I do want that quality of 1230 01:16:21,360 --> 01:16:26,600 intimacy with, you know, a person, but also I want to have, 1231 01:16:26,600 --> 01:16:28,440 I want to be able to go on side quest. 1232 01:16:28,520 --> 01:16:31,640 That's, that's, that's what my at this point relationship 1233 01:16:31,640 --> 01:16:35,720 dynamic look like. God, and I was scared to say 1234 01:16:35,720 --> 01:16:39,840 that shit because I feel like it's very easy for, you know, 1235 01:16:39,840 --> 01:16:42,360 when you put something out there, somebody to hear it and 1236 01:16:42,360 --> 01:16:43,560 be like, oh, that's what he wants. 1237 01:16:43,600 --> 01:16:47,880 Bet let me be that. And then I was scared. 1238 01:16:47,880 --> 01:16:51,480 I was scared for the last year I've been scared to put myself 1239 01:16:51,480 --> 01:16:54,120 out there and say, hey, this is actually what I want. 1240 01:16:55,080 --> 01:16:59,080 This is what I want. Because yeah, it feels like 1241 01:16:59,240 --> 01:17:00,560 that's what happened to me before. 1242 01:17:00,560 --> 01:17:03,520 It's like, you know, somebody can just see, oh, this is who he 1243 01:17:03,520 --> 01:17:06,240 is, this is what he wants. If I want what I want from him, 1244 01:17:06,240 --> 01:17:08,600 then all I have to do is act like this for a little while and 1245 01:17:08,600 --> 01:17:17,360 then I'll get it and I'm good. So I trust myself now, and 1246 01:17:17,360 --> 01:17:19,160 here's where we transition it to the next part. 1247 01:17:19,160 --> 01:17:23,240 I love these notes. Notes work for when it's just 1248 01:17:23,240 --> 01:17:24,840 me. They don't work when I have a 1249 01:17:24,840 --> 01:17:27,000 podcast guest. But I feel like I've been very 1250 01:17:27,000 --> 01:17:30,080 much on track and we're getting to the end. 1251 01:17:30,080 --> 01:17:33,720 I think maybe 15 more minutes and then we'll be closing this 1252 01:17:33,720 --> 01:17:37,400 out. But I mentioned being able to 1253 01:17:37,680 --> 01:17:40,720 experience and really feel a yes and a no in my body. 1254 01:17:41,520 --> 01:17:45,880 But now it's a matter of implementing that, no, I feel 1255 01:17:45,880 --> 01:17:49,400 ready to date. I suspended that shit. 1256 01:17:49,400 --> 01:17:52,840 But that was a conscious choice. That was a choice for me to not 1257 01:17:52,840 --> 01:17:58,040 date because I recognize that I wasn't, I wasn't over my ex 1258 01:17:58,240 --> 01:17:59,840 because I was still dreaming about it. 1259 01:18:00,360 --> 01:18:03,440 And now that I recognize what the dreams are, it's like, oh, 1260 01:18:03,440 --> 01:18:07,080 it's not her. It's what she represented. 1261 01:18:07,080 --> 01:18:12,080 And I've not been able to or willing to vocalize what it is 1262 01:18:12,080 --> 01:18:16,760 that I want, which is what I thought I had and what I thought 1263 01:18:16,760 --> 01:18:20,760 was like it. And I've been grieving that for 1264 01:18:20,760 --> 01:18:25,200 the past year and not consciously grieving it, but 1265 01:18:25,200 --> 01:18:29,840 leaking energy in the form of damn, like I fucked that up, I 1266 01:18:29,840 --> 01:18:31,160 fucked that up, I fucked that up. 1267 01:18:31,720 --> 01:18:34,200 And the reality is that I didn't fuck that up. 1268 01:18:34,240 --> 01:18:38,040 It's that, hey, here's, you know what this represented. 1269 01:18:38,360 --> 01:18:42,440 So now you know, and this is the thing that you can pursue. 1270 01:18:42,960 --> 01:18:47,080 So I do feel ready to step back into it because now I have that 1271 01:18:47,080 --> 01:18:49,960 deep understanding of what it is I'm looking for. 1272 01:18:50,280 --> 01:18:52,760 And not just the understanding because again, the dream was 1273 01:18:52,760 --> 01:18:58,440 fucking 2 days ago, but it that gave me language to the feeling 1274 01:18:58,440 --> 01:19:01,400 that I was having. And the feeling was like, damn, 1275 01:19:01,400 --> 01:19:05,800 I'll never be able to have that what that which was promised to 1276 01:19:05,800 --> 01:19:09,480 me because it wasn't ever real. Like that wasn't really what it 1277 01:19:09,480 --> 01:19:13,480 was. And now what seemed or seems 1278 01:19:13,480 --> 01:19:20,520 like it was impossible to to have is because now I trust my 1279 01:19:20,520 --> 01:19:25,000 no for what's not that it won't take me a year and a half to be 1280 01:19:25,000 --> 01:19:27,040 like, actually, this ain't working. 1281 01:19:28,000 --> 01:19:32,160 So now I know what it is and I'm looking for and through 1282 01:19:32,160 --> 01:19:36,680 polyamory that was such a reaction to what other people 1283 01:19:36,680 --> 01:19:40,520 said. I was being in the sex education 1284 01:19:40,520 --> 01:19:43,080 space, right? Like it's you can just be 1285 01:19:43,080 --> 01:19:47,080 fucking or you can be non monogamous, polyamorous, 1286 01:19:47,360 --> 01:19:53,080 asexual, bisexual, trisexual, as in I'll try anything sexual. 1287 01:19:53,080 --> 01:19:56,280 I don't. There's a lot of things that you 1288 01:19:56,600 --> 01:20:00,520 can be and being in those spaces too, like there's been a lot of 1289 01:20:00,520 --> 01:20:04,160 pressure to perform. And attach yourself and assign 1290 01:20:04,160 --> 01:20:06,680 yourself to some kind of an identification. 1291 01:20:07,160 --> 01:20:11,760 And in that space, like I'm, as far as I knew, like the only 1292 01:20:11,760 --> 01:20:14,320 straight black dude that has been in those spaces. 1293 01:20:14,320 --> 01:20:16,880 So that alone was like isolating. 1294 01:20:16,880 --> 01:20:20,160 And that space felt like a community outcast. 1295 01:20:20,160 --> 01:20:25,080 But the reality is it was a lot of women, queer people that had 1296 01:20:25,080 --> 01:20:27,840 community. And I felt like this illusion of 1297 01:20:27,840 --> 01:20:32,520 community because these are just weird people, like my people are 1298 01:20:32,520 --> 01:20:36,960 weird people and don't really fit into the mainstream society. 1299 01:20:37,240 --> 01:20:41,840 And I think that I felt most of a sense of community and a sense 1300 01:20:41,840 --> 01:20:45,720 of like at homeless last weekend, I went to this black 1301 01:20:45,840 --> 01:20:48,040 cosplay event. That shit was tight. 1302 01:20:48,760 --> 01:20:50,240 That shit was tight. That ain't got nothing to do 1303 01:20:50,240 --> 01:20:53,040 with any of this stuff. So let me not let me not get off 1304 01:20:53,040 --> 01:20:57,520 to the side. But people were telling me what 1305 01:20:57,520 --> 01:21:00,160 I was and I was just like, all right, I guess this is it. 1306 01:21:00,160 --> 01:21:03,560 This is what I am it and it goes back to even playing football, 1307 01:21:03,920 --> 01:21:06,080 right? Like I started out, you know, 1308 01:21:06,080 --> 01:21:08,360 playing offense, catching the ball, tight end. 1309 01:21:08,760 --> 01:21:12,480 And then when I learned that I like to tackle people, when I 1310 01:21:12,480 --> 01:21:16,560 learned that I I enjoyed that shit, that's when I got moved to 1311 01:21:16,560 --> 01:21:21,160 where I belong. And had I listened to people who 1312 01:21:21,160 --> 01:21:23,160 were just like, oh, Courtney, you can catch well, you can 1313 01:21:23,160 --> 01:21:24,920 block. Well, you should be a tight end, 1314 01:21:26,000 --> 01:21:27,160 you know, and I've been used to that. 1315 01:21:27,160 --> 01:21:30,880 I've been used to being put into a place, but put into a place 1316 01:21:30,880 --> 01:21:35,600 for the greater good of the team, the greater mission and 1317 01:21:35,600 --> 01:21:38,840 not speaking up, not bitching about it, not complaining and 1318 01:21:38,840 --> 01:21:41,280 just being compliant. And that should didn't work. 1319 01:21:41,840 --> 01:21:47,120 Like I think back to times where I fell into place and it was at 1320 01:21:47,120 --> 01:21:50,400 the detriment of everybody involved rather than me speaking 1321 01:21:50,400 --> 01:21:57,480 up and being like, no, no, put me in, no, this is where I'm 1322 01:21:57,640 --> 01:22:03,400 best I can do more here. This is what it is. 1323 01:22:04,080 --> 01:22:05,880 And I've not used my voice in that sense. 1324 01:22:05,880 --> 01:22:11,240 Like I've not said no. And it ain't been like out of an 1325 01:22:11,240 --> 01:22:15,960 avoidance of conflict because like I, I'm fairly physically 1326 01:22:15,960 --> 01:22:18,360 intimidating to some people, I'm sure. 1327 01:22:20,080 --> 01:22:24,640 And I think that I've had like this over awareness of that and 1328 01:22:24,640 --> 01:22:29,800 I've tried to dumb myself down or overly human over humble, 1329 01:22:30,840 --> 01:22:35,160 humble, overly humble myself. And that shit ain't that. 1330 01:22:35,160 --> 01:22:37,920 That's not something that people should do. 1331 01:22:38,000 --> 01:22:40,800 That's not authentic. That's lying to myself and lying 1332 01:22:40,800 --> 01:22:47,080 to the world by not being who I am and trusting that to be my no 1333 01:22:48,360 --> 01:22:49,800 right. So when somebody presents me 1334 01:22:49,800 --> 01:22:51,720 with Courtney, like, I don't like this about you, All right, 1335 01:22:52,360 --> 01:22:54,480 that's fine. I'm not about to stop being it. 1336 01:22:54,480 --> 01:22:57,440 Like, if you don't like it, you Orient yourself accordingly. 1337 01:22:57,880 --> 01:22:59,880 And that's where I've been fucking up. 1338 01:22:59,960 --> 01:23:03,720 And the, the when people told me, Oh yeah, you're a 1339 01:23:03,720 --> 01:23:07,480 polyamorous, I was like, oh, OK, I guess this is what I do. 1340 01:23:07,560 --> 01:23:10,880 I, I tell people that. And you know, if my behaviors 1341 01:23:10,880 --> 01:23:15,080 don't align with that, I, I thought that maybe they did, but 1342 01:23:15,280 --> 01:23:18,320 I think that when it became to a point where it felt like my 1343 01:23:18,400 --> 01:23:24,280 internal emotional state was consistently hot and in friction 1344 01:23:24,280 --> 01:23:27,880 and in conflict, that's when I recognized something needed to 1345 01:23:27,880 --> 01:23:32,880 change. So I mentioned being scared to 1346 01:23:32,880 --> 01:23:36,080 name what I wanted because putting it out allows for that 1347 01:23:36,080 --> 01:23:40,400 possibility of manipulation people to be a chameleon and 1348 01:23:40,400 --> 01:23:43,440 pretend to be that thing that I say that I want come into my 1349 01:23:43,440 --> 01:23:44,720 life. I find out that they're not 1350 01:23:44,720 --> 01:23:47,040 that. And because I'm someone who 1351 01:23:47,040 --> 01:23:50,320 struggles to like, let go, I'm like, OK, well, we can make this 1352 01:23:50,320 --> 01:23:52,920 work, right? Oh, because I don't want to say 1353 01:23:52,920 --> 01:23:55,560 no. Or because of the manipulation 1354 01:23:55,560 --> 01:23:58,360 of people being like, I got abandonment issues. 1355 01:23:58,840 --> 01:24:01,040 So don't leave me. If you leave me, you're a shitty 1356 01:24:01,040 --> 01:24:02,800 person. And if I don't identify as a 1357 01:24:02,800 --> 01:24:05,440 shitty person, I identify as a good person. 1358 01:24:06,920 --> 01:24:11,280 And I don't even want I don't want to do that anymore. 1359 01:24:12,040 --> 01:24:13,840 I don't want to identify as a good person. 1360 01:24:13,840 --> 01:24:16,720 I want to identify as a man of integrity. 1361 01:24:17,480 --> 01:24:22,320 So what my values are? I'm I'm consistently mentioned 1362 01:24:22,320 --> 01:24:24,800 the the scenes, right? Consistency, curiosity, 1363 01:24:24,800 --> 01:24:32,920 community, connection, choice, challenge, completion, I think 1364 01:24:32,920 --> 01:24:34,800 there's all of them. But those are the things that I 1365 01:24:34,800 --> 01:24:39,680 value and upholding my integrity in that space. 1366 01:24:39,720 --> 01:24:42,680 In that sense, that is my boundary. 1367 01:24:43,640 --> 01:24:46,920 So for somebody to be like, oh, I got abandonment issues. 1368 01:24:46,920 --> 01:24:50,080 Like when you do this, it triggers that I, I got to say 1369 01:24:50,080 --> 01:24:56,160 no, I got to go that no, because what I need is for space to be 1370 01:24:56,160 --> 01:25:00,040 taken so that then we can resolve the issue. 1371 01:25:00,400 --> 01:25:02,440 I will. I do very fucking well at 1372 01:25:02,440 --> 01:25:05,720 communicating and I, I let myself be convinced that I was 1373 01:25:05,720 --> 01:25:10,840 bad for having the things, for having needs, having the needs 1374 01:25:10,840 --> 01:25:15,240 that I had. And like I was good for not 1375 01:25:15,240 --> 01:25:18,400 naming them and prioritizing the needs of the other person. 1376 01:25:19,360 --> 01:25:25,400 But no, no mas, no mas. Yeah, ain't no more of that. 1377 01:25:25,720 --> 01:25:28,680 And I hope that what I'm sharing here is something that connects 1378 01:25:28,680 --> 01:25:30,840 with and resonates with people who are listening. 1379 01:25:31,080 --> 01:25:34,840 And again, this is all just leaning into one aspect of Yoga 1380 01:25:35,160 --> 01:25:40,800 of the Yamas or the kernel, the way that we engage with the 1381 01:25:40,800 --> 01:25:44,880 world. And so now, like the way that 1382 01:25:44,880 --> 01:25:49,080 I'm engaging with the world is much more like from a place of 1383 01:25:49,080 --> 01:25:52,920 not necessarily being selective, but having conserved my energy 1384 01:25:52,920 --> 01:25:56,480 enough to know and identify where something might be a leak 1385 01:25:56,680 --> 01:26:01,440 or something's going to be more reciprocal or it aligns right. 1386 01:26:01,840 --> 01:26:05,680 So I, I, I can't, I'm not susceptible to that manipulation 1387 01:26:05,680 --> 01:26:08,280 anymore. I cut a motherfucker off quick 1388 01:26:08,280 --> 01:26:12,600 now and you know, this is new. I ain't had to do it yet, So I 1389 01:26:12,600 --> 01:26:16,600 got to practice makes perfect. I haven't cut people off 1390 01:26:16,600 --> 01:26:20,000 necessarily. I had someone that I was seeing 1391 01:26:20,000 --> 01:26:24,920 in person, you know, bless her, but she said some things to me 1392 01:26:24,920 --> 01:26:28,320 that were also said to me in my last relationship. 1393 01:26:28,320 --> 01:26:31,960 And I had a moment where I was like, damn, have I really not 1394 01:26:32,080 --> 01:26:35,440 grown over the last almost year plus? 1395 01:26:35,920 --> 01:26:40,480 Or is it that I find myself like, and I'm headed on the 1396 01:26:40,480 --> 01:26:42,240 trajectory of the same relationship? 1397 01:26:42,240 --> 01:26:45,320 And I don't, I haven't talked to her since we ended things. 1398 01:26:45,320 --> 01:26:49,400 But you know, I don't know if she listening to this, but I, I 1399 01:26:49,400 --> 01:26:52,920 remember, you know, just hearing those things and how I felt in 1400 01:26:52,920 --> 01:26:56,240 my body, cuz there were four specific things that were said 1401 01:26:56,720 --> 01:26:59,640 that were the same thing that my ex said to me. 1402 01:27:00,360 --> 01:27:04,720 And I think that that was really what kicked off me recognizing, 1403 01:27:04,720 --> 01:27:07,600 Oh, I'm not over that relationship. 1404 01:27:08,040 --> 01:27:12,200 And if I'm going to be in a new one, one, I need to figure out 1405 01:27:12,400 --> 01:27:15,520 what the fucking problem is. I'm either attracting and 1406 01:27:15,520 --> 01:27:19,760 pursuing relationships with people that have that same 1407 01:27:20,080 --> 01:27:24,160 energy archetype or I haven't changed. 1408 01:27:25,080 --> 01:27:29,240 And the reality that I've come to two terms with is that it's 1409 01:27:29,240 --> 01:27:34,200 not about me changing. It's me needing to be more of 1410 01:27:34,200 --> 01:27:38,680 myself and also recognizing when things aren't working out, not 1411 01:27:38,680 --> 01:27:40,640 just for myself, but for the other person too. 1412 01:27:40,640 --> 01:27:43,080 Like I don't like to make the decision for other people, but I 1413 01:27:43,080 --> 01:27:46,080 felt like I had to make the decision for us because of the 1414 01:27:46,080 --> 01:27:50,040 reasons that she gave me. She's very much just like, I 1415 01:27:50,040 --> 01:27:52,680 feel like you are this, this is what you do. 1416 01:27:52,680 --> 01:27:59,000 This is who you are. And like, these were things that 1417 01:27:59,000 --> 01:28:01,840 she didn't say, she wasn't OK with, but she wasn't OK with. 1418 01:28:02,200 --> 01:28:07,240 And I, I feel bad for making that decision for her in ending 1419 01:28:07,240 --> 01:28:12,600 things, but I made the decision for me to end things because 1420 01:28:13,240 --> 01:28:14,960 that's not the kind of person I want to be. 1421 01:28:16,080 --> 01:28:19,600 That's not the kind of relationship I want to be in and 1422 01:28:19,600 --> 01:28:22,600 I couldn't name that because I didn't have the fucking language 1423 01:28:22,600 --> 01:28:25,600 until 2 days ago. So you know, hey, if you 1424 01:28:25,600 --> 01:28:28,200 listening, which I doubt, she probably didn't fuck me at all 1425 01:28:28,200 --> 01:28:31,240 no more. But if I were to say something 1426 01:28:31,240 --> 01:28:34,200 to her, it would be a thank you, which I think I said. 1427 01:28:34,200 --> 01:28:36,880 And she she wasn't fucking with it like at the time. 1428 01:28:37,520 --> 01:28:43,800 Ain't nobody fucking with like abandonment essentially. 1429 01:28:44,800 --> 01:28:47,480 But I think that maybe I just need to be clear in the 1430 01:28:47,480 --> 01:28:50,400 beginning, like, hey, I don't abandoned. 1431 01:28:50,400 --> 01:28:54,080 That's not something I do, but I will walk away because like it's 1432 01:28:54,080 --> 01:28:57,360 very manipulative that that's like a defense mechanism from 1433 01:28:57,360 --> 01:29:00,160 partners. Like, hey, I have abandonment 1434 01:29:00,160 --> 01:29:01,440 issues. You can't do this to me. 1435 01:29:01,440 --> 01:29:04,560 You can't take the space that you need to be able to come back 1436 01:29:04,560 --> 01:29:07,640 and communicate with me the way that you need to communicate 1437 01:29:08,080 --> 01:29:10,480 because it'll make me feel like you're leaving me. 1438 01:29:11,120 --> 01:29:14,240 And now like it's not. It's no longer about us, the 1439 01:29:14,360 --> 01:29:17,960 situation or you know what I need, what you need. 1440 01:29:17,960 --> 01:29:20,640 It's all about you, what your needs are. 1441 01:29:20,640 --> 01:29:23,720 And there's no room for me to have my feelings and emotions or 1442 01:29:23,720 --> 01:29:26,640 for me to be able to process things, to be able to come back 1443 01:29:26,640 --> 01:29:34,080 to you with complete statements, with complete resolution for 1444 01:29:34,080 --> 01:29:35,800 what it is that we are dealing with. 1445 01:29:35,800 --> 01:29:37,600 And now it's been made about something else. 1446 01:29:37,600 --> 01:29:40,120 And now it's about me abandoning you and not the fact that you 1447 01:29:40,120 --> 01:29:42,200 did this fucked up thing that we need to talk about. 1448 01:29:42,920 --> 01:29:45,320 So I'm, I'm, I'm not doing that anymore. 1449 01:29:45,320 --> 01:29:48,520 I'm, I'm saying no and I'm walking away if I need to walk 1450 01:29:48,520 --> 01:29:51,520 away like we can have a conversation, but I'm, I'm not, 1451 01:29:51,920 --> 01:29:54,360 I'm not doing that to myself anymore. 1452 01:29:54,840 --> 01:30:07,920 So I healthily take up space and I can't let nobody dumb that 1453 01:30:07,920 --> 01:30:13,560 shit down for me anymore. Even in other relationships, 1454 01:30:13,560 --> 01:30:14,960 right. I've had partners tell me I'm 1455 01:30:14,960 --> 01:30:18,240 jealous of you. And while you know this wasn't 1456 01:30:18,240 --> 01:30:21,800 stated in my last few relationships by any means, it 1457 01:30:21,800 --> 01:30:25,480 may not have been stated. But maybe there were aspects of 1458 01:30:25,920 --> 01:30:29,720 things that were happening that were shown in a sense. 1459 01:30:30,240 --> 01:30:34,760 And like that hurts because, you know, I, I, these are people 1460 01:30:34,760 --> 01:30:37,560 that if we're so intimately connected, I would believe, I 1461 01:30:37,560 --> 01:30:40,760 would like to believe that like my success is your success, 1462 01:30:41,400 --> 01:30:44,560 right? Me doing what's best for me, us 1463 01:30:44,920 --> 01:30:48,000 is going to benefit you and everybody around you too. 1464 01:30:49,680 --> 01:30:54,240 So why not support that? Why not be, why not celebrate 1465 01:30:54,240 --> 01:30:59,760 that challenge me, right? Like these are things that I 1466 01:30:59,760 --> 01:31:08,600 recognize that I need and I, I, I don't want to be made small to 1467 01:31:08,600 --> 01:31:11,960 be able to fit into somebody's pocket so they can just be like, 1468 01:31:12,000 --> 01:31:13,520 oh, look what I got. I got a Courtney. 1469 01:31:13,960 --> 01:31:16,240 Look, look, check this out, y'all, Look what I require. 1470 01:31:16,680 --> 01:31:19,000 Oh, that ain't what this shit's supposed to be. 1471 01:31:20,440 --> 01:31:26,080 So right. Use of energy, brahmacharya and 1472 01:31:26,080 --> 01:31:30,440 like move y'all's bodies. If you sad about having herpes 1473 01:31:30,440 --> 01:31:32,880 and you ain't leaving the house, you ain't talking to your 1474 01:31:32,880 --> 01:31:34,280 friends. You don't want nobody to know, 1475 01:31:34,480 --> 01:31:36,680 go, go dance. You ain't got to tell nobody 1476 01:31:36,680 --> 01:31:38,760 shit. You just show up and move your 1477 01:31:38,760 --> 01:31:41,360 body. You might, you might cry, you 1478 01:31:41,400 --> 01:31:43,600 might laugh, you might need somebody. 1479 01:31:45,080 --> 01:31:47,960 You might have outcomes that you never imagined. 1480 01:31:48,200 --> 01:31:51,120 I never fucking saw myself doing partner dance. 1481 01:31:53,120 --> 01:31:57,240 What the extent of my dancing was standing up against a wall 1482 01:31:57,280 --> 01:32:06,920 and getting danced on prior to age 37 and here we are now. 1483 01:32:06,920 --> 01:32:11,920 Like fucking dancing. I'm fucking going to Comic Con 1484 01:32:11,920 --> 01:32:17,640 now. I'm able to live out what I 1485 01:32:17,640 --> 01:32:22,640 believe my truth is. And if it changes, it changes. 1486 01:32:23,480 --> 01:32:26,160 I know what it is that I want. Like I was, I was even going 1487 01:32:26,160 --> 01:32:29,040 through this period where I was like, well, damn, should I want 1488 01:32:29,040 --> 01:32:31,440 a relationship? Is that is that something that I 1489 01:32:31,440 --> 01:32:33,160 even want? Like, do I want it just because 1490 01:32:33,160 --> 01:32:34,760 people are telling me that I should want it? 1491 01:32:35,040 --> 01:32:36,760 Because that's like the societal pressure. 1492 01:32:37,040 --> 01:32:40,240 And it's like, yeah, I do do want that. 1493 01:32:41,560 --> 01:32:46,800 And I know more so of how it can look. 1494 01:32:47,240 --> 01:32:49,280 And I also understand that people are people. 1495 01:32:49,280 --> 01:32:52,920 You can't just fucking come with a copy paste template of all 1496 01:32:52,920 --> 01:32:54,520 right, this is what I need in a relationship. 1497 01:32:54,520 --> 01:32:56,400 You got to do these things. These are the things you got to 1498 01:32:56,400 --> 01:32:57,920 want. This is how you this is a life 1499 01:32:57,920 --> 01:33:01,640 you got to have. No, you figured that out. 1500 01:33:01,640 --> 01:33:04,600 And along the way you decide like, all right, yeah, we're 1501 01:33:04,600 --> 01:33:06,920 going to keep doing this or hey, here are some things that don't 1502 01:33:06,920 --> 01:33:08,640 work. Let's talk about it and then you 1503 01:33:08,640 --> 01:33:10,480 go from there. That's it. 1504 01:33:12,760 --> 01:33:21,400 Now we're at the conclusion. So an hour and a half later, my 1505 01:33:21,400 --> 01:33:27,600 final thoughts here, right? Like date, dance, take care of 1506 01:33:27,600 --> 01:33:33,840 your health, go to work. And when you do these things, 1507 01:33:35,240 --> 01:33:38,440 recognize where there might be energy leaks. 1508 01:33:40,000 --> 01:33:44,720 How can you plug these leaks? How can you allow yourself to 1509 01:33:44,720 --> 01:33:49,880 rest and recover and restore your own energy and find 1510 01:33:49,880 --> 01:33:53,960 yourself in places and atmospheres where you feel like 1511 01:33:54,520 --> 01:33:58,240 your energy isn't being used, but the energy of the divine, of 1512 01:33:58,240 --> 01:34:01,560 God, of the universe is able to flow through you? 1513 01:34:02,120 --> 01:34:04,520 Because I said life isn't about what happens to you, it's about 1514 01:34:04,520 --> 01:34:07,520 what happens through you. So alignment is finding the 1515 01:34:07,520 --> 01:34:10,240 opportunities to find what is your something positive for 1516 01:34:10,240 --> 01:34:14,000 positive people, what is your ideal environment, community 1517 01:34:14,000 --> 01:34:15,960 relationship. Because when you're serving a 1518 01:34:15,960 --> 01:34:19,000 community and you feel like there is a mission that aligns, 1519 01:34:19,240 --> 01:34:22,520 that expresses your identity and who you are, that validates that 1520 01:34:23,360 --> 01:34:27,280 you get supercharged Because it's almost like your energy is 1521 01:34:27,280 --> 01:34:30,360 at more of a restful state. And it's the energy of the 1522 01:34:30,360 --> 01:34:31,920 universe is operating through you. 1523 01:34:32,920 --> 01:34:35,320 And when we're not in these spaces, when we're not in 1524 01:34:35,320 --> 01:34:38,240 alignment, that's where the energy begins to deplete itself 1525 01:34:38,240 --> 01:34:41,720 faster. So looking at patients as an 1526 01:34:41,720 --> 01:34:45,800 example, right, someone may wear out your patients, but they may 1527 01:34:45,800 --> 01:34:47,440 wear it out because they're not in alignment. 1528 01:34:47,440 --> 01:34:49,960 They pull you out of alignment or you pull yourself out of 1529 01:34:49,960 --> 01:34:52,040 alignment for them to serve them. 1530 01:34:52,320 --> 01:34:55,160 And you might be depleting yourself a lot faster than you 1531 01:34:55,160 --> 01:34:58,800 normally would if it was somebody or something that does 1532 01:34:58,800 --> 01:35:01,320 align for you. And then you have energy for 1533 01:35:01,320 --> 01:35:03,920 yourself too. Instead of chasing out there, 1534 01:35:04,280 --> 01:35:08,840 chase internally and be able to take care of your health. 1535 01:35:08,880 --> 01:35:12,560 Cook for yourself, go grocery shopping, do things for 1536 01:35:12,560 --> 01:35:15,720 yourself, have fun, play, make time for play. 1537 01:35:17,360 --> 01:35:22,160 Nurture your nature. When I say guard your energy, 1538 01:35:22,320 --> 01:35:24,440 all I'm saying is be the observer. 1539 01:35:24,440 --> 01:35:27,280 Step into that space or watch like OK, where is this going? 1540 01:35:28,000 --> 01:35:30,480 Like OK, I'm tired after this day. 1541 01:35:30,960 --> 01:35:32,440 This is the thing that drained me. 1542 01:35:32,440 --> 01:35:37,200 OK, I need to create myself like, again, like a membrane, 1543 01:35:37,720 --> 01:35:43,520 not not necessarily boundaries, but a membrane around this plug 1544 01:35:43,720 --> 01:35:48,200 that I have to engage with so that I allow for the thing to be 1545 01:35:48,200 --> 01:35:50,440 able to slow down and get to a point where it just stops 1546 01:35:50,440 --> 01:35:52,760 moving. But it's not going to touch me. 1547 01:35:52,960 --> 01:35:55,000 It can get close. I can recognize it, like, oh, 1548 01:35:55,000 --> 01:35:57,120 OK, here's how I need to engage with that thing. 1549 01:35:57,760 --> 01:36:02,520 Let that be it. Trust the internal gravity that 1550 01:36:02,520 --> 01:36:06,040 you created by affirming and validating your identity, those 1551 01:36:06,040 --> 01:36:10,480 intangible parts of yourself, your values, your aligned 1552 01:36:10,480 --> 01:36:15,240 beliefs and behaviors, because that creates the gravity that 1553 01:36:15,240 --> 01:36:18,680 brings people into your life the same way the solar system does. 1554 01:36:19,240 --> 01:36:24,760 BU sun turns hydrogen to helium. The planets like, oh, I like the 1555 01:36:24,760 --> 01:36:26,360 gravity of what's happening over here. 1556 01:36:27,520 --> 01:36:29,120 Oh, I can benefit from this light. 1557 01:36:29,280 --> 01:36:30,760 Oh, I can benefit from this heat. 1558 01:36:31,240 --> 01:36:33,600 And everything is orienting around that. 1559 01:36:33,800 --> 01:36:36,880 Everything and everyone orients around your authenticity. 1560 01:36:38,440 --> 01:36:40,560 And there might be things that you do and don't like, But the 1561 01:36:40,560 --> 01:36:44,320 easiest way to start to recognize how to get more of 1562 01:36:44,320 --> 01:36:46,760 what it is that you like to gravitate towards you and less 1563 01:36:46,760 --> 01:36:50,760 of what you don't want or like is to monitor those leaks. 1564 01:36:52,680 --> 01:36:55,840 Allow for yourself to use your energy in the right way. 1565 01:36:56,880 --> 01:37:04,240 Alright, so get on that e-mail list SP fpp.org/herpes Dash 1566 01:37:04,240 --> 01:37:08,280 newsletter so that you can be up to date on the in person 1567 01:37:08,280 --> 01:37:13,200 advance. Go to the blog SP fpp.org/herpes 1568 01:37:13,360 --> 01:37:19,520 Dash blog and be on the lookout. Y'all support these upcoming 1569 01:37:19,600 --> 01:37:22,720 resources, videos and everything that we got going on. 1570 01:37:24,040 --> 01:37:26,920 Yeah, I'll be done with yoga therapy training very soon. 1571 01:37:26,920 --> 01:37:30,680 I am still working with people. I just work with people on the 1572 01:37:30,680 --> 01:37:33,400 donation basis of what you can afford. 1573 01:37:34,360 --> 01:37:37,760 So if yoga therapy is of interest to you, if what you 1574 01:37:37,760 --> 01:37:43,680 heard today resonates, reach out to me, Courtney, at spfpp.org. 1575 01:37:44,040 --> 01:37:47,120 I'm not. I'm social media is on my phone 1576 01:37:47,120 --> 01:37:51,440 or it's not on my phone. It's on my laptop, so I'm not 1577 01:37:51,440 --> 01:37:54,480 very active on there at all. So if you want to connect with 1578 01:37:54,480 --> 01:37:57,520 me, you got to do it through the website, be on the newsletter, 1579 01:37:57,520 --> 01:37:59,640 get the newsletter. You can reply to the emails. 1580 01:37:59,640 --> 01:38:03,560 If you need to have a support call, hit me up and we can we 1581 01:38:03,600 --> 01:38:08,000 can sort it out. All right, till next time, stay 1582 01:38:08,000 --> 01:38:11,240 present and protect your energy.