1 00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:06,960 Hello and welcome to the Kappa Podcast. 2 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:10,280 My name is Matt. I'm the Senior Practitioner for 3 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:13,960 Kappa First Response and I'm joined today as ever by our 4 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:16,280 Founder and CEO, Jane Griffiths. Hi, Jane. 5 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:19,240 Hey Matt, how you doing? So lovely to be here with. 6 00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:22,680 You with me face to face. I know in your lovely flat 7 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:24,600 sunny. It's a rare treat, isn't it? 8 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,560 Fantastic. It you know what, It is a rare 9 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,000 treat. Yeah, I think it. 10 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,280 It's so lovely to be together to record this. 11 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,560 Yeah, I agree. I agree. 12 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:32,960 It already feels a lot more real. 13 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:38,680 Yeah, Yeah. So this series is going to be 14 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:40,960 slightly different to what we've done previously, isn't it? 15 00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:44,880 Do you want to say a little bit about about why we're doing this 16 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:46,480 series to begin with? Yeah. 17 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,960 Well, I mean, I guess our previous series that we we've 18 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:51,440 thought about, we've sort of been in conversation with or 19 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:54,320 we've been zooming and and speaking to particular people 20 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:58,480 about particular issues. This one is really designed for 21 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:02,760 families who feel a bit more isolated, whether that be via 22 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:06,160 location or through circumstances and their 23 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:08,960 experience, feel like they're unable to talk to people. 24 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,920 And we wanted to provide something that families could 25 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:16,680 access 24/7 regardless of their locations. 26 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:18,680 I also think it's really important to say that East 27 00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:23,120 Sussex local authority sort of really commissioned us to do 28 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:26,400 this because they really wanted to support families living in 29 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:30,280 those rural outlying areas who found it really, really 30 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:35,560 difficult to get support. And we'll be offering, well, I 31 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:37,640 guess if we were to sit, Matt, and think about what would be 32 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:43,320 our top five or six strategies, we're sort of aiming to to sort 33 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:47,280 of think about those strategies for families, aren't we? 34 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,200 That's what the series is going to be about. 35 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:51,880 Yeah. So it's, it's a little bit more, 36 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:55,680 it's going to be a little bit, I mean, I think hopefully all, all 37 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,280 of our podcasts have been useful, but this is a bit more, 38 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,080 something a bit more tangible, a bit more solid that people can 39 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:03,080 use and put into practise. Yeah. 40 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:06,040 We're not thinking about, you know, this, these episodes 41 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:09,160 aren't for about us understanding what this issue 42 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:13,400 is. This is really let's go, what's 43 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:18,040 the support that we offer to families and let's share that, 44 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:21,600 Yeah. I think you said a minute ago 45 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,880 that these are like probably 5 or six of our top strategies 46 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:28,680 that we, we know are useful to quite a few different families 47 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:31,400 that we work with. But it's always really important 48 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,800 to say that nothing works all of the time. 49 00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:36,280 And there isn't one thing that is going to work for every 50 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:39,080 single family. And if even if it works for that 51 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:41,680 family, it doesn't mean that it's going to work 100% of the 52 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:44,480 time. So it's just important that we 53 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:47,960 say that at the at the top, I think to say these are all ideas 54 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:51,520 that, you know, have a listen, keep it in mind. 55 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,840 Hopefully you think I'm going to give that a try. 56 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:57,920 But even if you think it's not going to work for me, it doesn't 57 00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:00,640 feel quite right. Hopefully you'll still think 58 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:03,680 about the idea behind it. And even if you don't action 59 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:06,480 anything from it, you can think about why, why it might be 60 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:07,960 useful and why it might be important. 61 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:09,480 And hopefully there's some use in that as well. 62 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,760 Yeah. And and I think, you know, a 63 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,200 reminder that all of our work and all of our support to 64 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,400 families is tailored and bespoke. 65 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,160 You know, we speak to families and think what's happening for 66 00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:24,120 them in their home and we can, you know, it could be that we 67 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,720 don't talk about any of these strategies, but generally what 68 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:30,560 we've found out is these strategies come into our support 69 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:34,320 at some point for families. And there will be somebody out 70 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:37,400 there listening to this and maybe think I can't, I can't get 71 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,840 on board with what Matt, I can't get on board with what that that 72 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,400 strategy that you've spoken about. 73 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,080 But I can really get on board with this other strategy. 74 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,320 And we we anticipate that and expect that. 75 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:50,080 I think what's important as well is that, you know, everything 76 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:53,640 and all everything we're going to be sharing on the in this 77 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:56,960 series, it's not necessary. It's not going to do any harm. 78 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,800 It's all about it's all relationship building. 79 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:01,760 And that's only a positive thing. 80 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:05,120 You may see things and we'll talk about that and what in one 81 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,320 of the episodes that we're going to be presenting about, you 82 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:10,000 know, what can happen if actually things do feel 83 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,240 different. My child has noticed something 84 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:14,240 different. What do I do then? 85 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:16,440 So, and we will we'll sort of address that weren't we want to 86 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:19,000 I think it's Episode 2 when we're thinking about our safety 87 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:22,880 Lanning. OK, so, so that's a little bit 88 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:27,320 about why we're doing it and you know, some of the things we're 89 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:30,240 going to be covering, but it's going to it's going to look a 90 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,440 little bit different from our other podcasts, right? 91 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,400 Yep, Yeah. So, you know, up until now it's 92 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,240 been us chatting, hasn't it, And having conversations. 93 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,880 Yeah. What we've decided to do with 94 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:44,240 this, which will look a little bit different, is the beginning 95 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,600 of every episode. We'll have a little explanation 96 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,040 around what we're doing. You know, this isn't about 97 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:53,120 explaining why this happens, because we've done that. 98 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:58,080 This is about sharing those strategies, how we would share 99 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,560 them with a family. So we're doing it separately. 100 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,840 So I'm going to be presenting three of them and thinking about 101 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:08,400 3 strategies and you're going to be presenting three of them and 102 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,080 support 3 strategies. But we're doing them solo. 103 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,600 So they won't have that opportunity of a back and forth. 104 00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:16,960 And I think that that's going to be the main difference that 105 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,640 people will see. Yeah, and I think that's 106 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:22,400 hopefully will make it a little bit more useful because you can 107 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:24,760 follow along. It's not you're not listening to 108 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:27,000 a conversation like you're saying of us back and forth. 109 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:30,440 You're listening to us giving you a strategy as we would, you 110 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:34,120 know, in a session if, you know, as we were explaining it to you 111 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:37,120 and and kind of telling you why we're suggesting you do this, 112 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:39,200 what what the background is to it. 113 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,640 Is there anything else we've missed, Jane? 114 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:44,520 I think we, I don't think we have. 115 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,800 Hopefully we can just let's do it. 116 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,240 Let's go. All right. 117 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,880 Let's get into it. So Matt, we're on to episode 3 118 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:55,400 and you're going to be talking about validation today. 119 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,920 Do you want to just briefly give us a, a quick what that, what's 120 00:05:57,920 --> 00:05:59,400 that going to look like? Yeah. 121 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:04,040 So validation is, is something we kind of look at as quite a 122 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:06,680 foundational piece of work. It's something really important 123 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,480 that we, I think pretty much across the board, we suggest to 124 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,360 parents to think about this and to and to use it if they feel 125 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:15,760 they can. It's really important because it 126 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:20,680 helps your child know that what they're experiencing is being 127 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:24,880 seen. And very often this can lead to 128 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,200 strengthening of the relationship, more trust in the 129 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,120 relationship that everyone kind of understands difficulty 130 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:32,240 because when you're seeing this behaviour, everyone is 131 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:34,200 suffering. You know, you as the parent, 132 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:36,560 you're suffering, your child is also suffering. 133 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:41,240 So when we use validation as a way to, to, to open up 134 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:43,960 communication again, to, to strengthen relationships. 135 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:53,880 And it has been, I think a very useful strategy or piece of work 136 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,600 for for most of the families we work with. 137 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,800 So it's a really. I think what I like about this 138 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,200 one is so many families come back to us, particularly when 139 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:03,120 we've done our drop in and they're like, I tried validation 140 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:07,800 and I didn't, I didn't really think of, you know, how, what an 141 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,800 impact that would have on my relationship with my child. 142 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,840 And for some parents, it's just been so immediate. 143 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:18,240 Yeah, absolutely. So, you know, I think it's quite 144 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:20,440 simple. Often people think, oh really, 145 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:23,200 is this going to work? They're fooled by the simplicity 146 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,320 of of the surface level of the of the strategy, but there's 147 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,200 lots going on underneath. It works on a few different 148 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:33,960 layers and levels. And yeah, I think we should. 149 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:34,960 I think we should go into it are. 150 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,120 You ready? Yeah. 151 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:39,960 So validation is basically the simple act of making a statement 152 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:43,040 that recognises the difficulty that your child is facing. 153 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:47,920 It's it's basically saying, yeah, I can, I can see that's 154 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:52,040 really tough and validating that difficulty saying I understand 155 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,480 you, you know why that would be difficult for you. 156 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:58,080 It's not saying that it's acceptable to use violent or 157 00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,960 harmful or aggressive behaviours, but it's saying we 158 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:09,440 understand why someone's upset. So it is kind of quite a 159 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:12,080 foundational piece of work that we do in most families that we 160 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,520 work with. We suggest they give this a try 161 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,040 because as with all of this, it comes back to the relationship. 162 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:22,160 And this is a really strong way of building connection, building 163 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:27,640 trust, building, you know, communication as well, showing 164 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:30,200 empathy, showing compassion, all the things that are really 165 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:33,919 important in order to move you forward so that you're not stuck 166 00:08:33,919 --> 00:08:35,919 in this loop of being in conflict all the time. 167 00:08:35,919 --> 00:08:38,799 You can start to normalise cooperation a little bit more 168 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,880 and and get a little bit more of that closeness. 169 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:47,160 So like I say, it's a statement that recognises the difficulty a 170 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,440 child is facing. We know that in most instances 171 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:52,000 there is a reason why a child will be using this behaviour. 172 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:57,280 We're not saying it's like I say, it doesn't excuse it or 173 00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,520 make it acceptable, but there is a, there is a reason why. 174 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,160 Now it's really important that we show that we're paying 175 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:06,600 attention to that reason why so which is what we do with 176 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:12,240 validation. So it is as simple as saying, I 177 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:17,000 can imagine how difficult it was when I don't know, your, your 178 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:20,880 sister sat in that seat that you really wanted to sit in, or when 179 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:24,880 your friend, you know, made that joke about you in front of some 180 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,800 other mates. I, I get how difficult that 181 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,400 could have been. I can imagine how upsetting that 182 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:31,760 would have been. Something along those lines. 183 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,400 Obviously not both of them at the same time, just just one, 184 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:37,520 whatever your issue that you've you've seen is difficult for 185 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:38,800 your child, whatever that may be. 186 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,760 And, and those were both kind of day-to-day issues. 187 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,240 We can also, I mean, we'll talk about this more later, but we 188 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,480 can also do this for more historic problems as well. 189 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:49,880 I mean historic issues, you know, I can imagine how tough it 190 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:53,600 was when me and your dad broke up or whatever it was. 191 00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:59,040 So it's about recognising that that pain and that difficulty. 192 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:03,480 So I'm going to talk about why we do it and then I'm going to 193 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:06,200 talk about how we do it. So first of all, why we do it. 194 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,040 Like I've just mentioned, normally there is a reason why a 195 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:15,480 child is using this behaviour. And what can happen is, is that 196 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:19,560 child is trying to communicate a difficulty or a pain or, or 197 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:21,320 something that they cannot cope with. 198 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:26,720 And, and so they, you know, maybe they start acting out a 199 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:30,240 little and then the behaviour can escalate and things get 200 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:32,240 worse. And then, you know, it goes from 201 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:36,520 a, you know, tantrums to now throwing something. 202 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,600 Now you're smashing something, Now you're hitting someone, you 203 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:41,520 know, now you're spitting it. So it's this escalation. 204 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:45,880 And sometimes what happens is a child is trying to communicate 205 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:47,960 something is really not right in my world. 206 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:48,960 I don't know what to do about it. 207 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:52,080 I can't quite cope with this. But I'm letting you know in the 208 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:56,240 best way I can, if they were able to communicate in a more 209 00:10:56,240 --> 00:11:00,040 healthy or more useful way, they probably would. 210 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,000 But they can't for whatever reason. 211 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:06,000 So they're, they're communicating it through their 212 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,360 behaviours, through their actions, through their responses 213 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:17,160 to difficulty. So one reason why we do it is we 214 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,880 are active in showing that we see the difficulty. 215 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:24,480 So your child doesn't have to show you in such extreme terms 216 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:28,080 essentially. So that's one reason why we use 217 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:33,360 validation sometimes if a child is using this behaviour or using 218 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:37,160 these responses or you know, acting in this way. 219 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:41,400 And the the root problem, the reason why this behaviour is 220 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,240 happening in the 1st place doesn't change. 221 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,080 And, and very often that's a problem within themselves. 222 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:49,000 So they're feeling they cannot cope with something they're 223 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:54,840 suffering with that they can't move past and, and they, they 224 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:56,720 use this behaviour to communicate the difficulty and 225 00:11:56,720 --> 00:12:00,280 the problem stays the same. Then they start to lose trust in 226 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:03,000 the adults, the important adults around them, the most loved 227 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:07,240 adults, their parents, that they can actually help them. 228 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,800 They lose trust that, that they can actually step in and, and 229 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:14,080 stop this harm from happening to them because they're 230 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,040 communicating it and they're, they're showing everyone that, 231 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:19,000 oh, you know, I'm really struggling here and no one's 232 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,080 been able to take it away many times. 233 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:23,480 These these are hidden problems as well. 234 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,560 So how would you know? Because your child can't 235 00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:28,360 communicate with you in terms of their words and say, look, this 236 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:31,640 is the problem here. So the problem stays the same. 237 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,160 So the child loses trust that the adults can actually do 238 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,360 anything about their suffering, about their, their issue they're 239 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:40,800 facing. So then what they do is they try 240 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:45,520 and take control of the problem themselves by using harmful, 241 00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:50,000 controlling, aggressive behaviours to make everything in 242 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:53,760 their world do exactly what they think it needs to do in order 243 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:57,720 for them to feel OK, OK, no, I, I, I want to go and do this. 244 00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,120 So you need to let me do it. I want to. 245 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,440 I need to be in control. If I'm in control, I'm going to 246 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,280 feel better. Control is linked to feeling 247 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:08,520 safe in many instances. Feeling out of control for some 248 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,880 is intolerable. They feel too unsafe when 249 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:15,080 they're not in control. So, you know, so another, 250 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:19,160 another reason why we do it is, is we're communicating to that 251 00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:21,200 child. If we are aware of that 252 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,520 difficulty, then then there's the idea that, well, if maybe 253 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:27,000 you can help me with this, because that child isn't going 254 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,440 to believe that you can help them if they don't even believe 255 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:31,200 you're even aware of the problem in the 1st place. 256 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,080 Do you get how serious this feels to them? 257 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:38,840 So one is if we can be active in communicating that we see the 258 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:43,200 difficulty, they don't have to be as extreme in, in how they 259 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,320 are communicating that that pain or that difficulty. 260 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:49,760 And then the second thing is, if we're showing them that we're, 261 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:53,480 we're aware of this issue, then they start to trust that maybe 262 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,920 we can help them with it. So it starts to rebuild that 263 00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:01,840 trust and that connection. And, and then third is that when 264 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:05,320 a child uses this behaviour, it will damage your relationship 265 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,400 with that child. You know, there'll be times when 266 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,400 you really angry them. There'll be times when you're 267 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:15,000 really scared of them. You know, you, you can, you can 268 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,120 have lots of conflicting emotions, really worried for 269 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:20,160 them, really worried for yourself, really angry at them, 270 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:22,680 really concerned, you know, all of this at the same time. 271 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:26,520 But, you know, I've heard lots of times parents saying, you 272 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:29,000 know, I love my child, but I don't want to be near him. 273 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:30,720 I don't want to be around him. I don't like him. 274 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,360 I love him. Yeah, I don't like him. 275 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:37,160 And that obviously is affecting the relationship. 276 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:42,040 So we need to address that because what we know about this 277 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:46,280 behaviour is very often there's a relationship fracture there. 278 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:49,080 We need to focus on strengthening the relationship 279 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:54,040 in order to move past this. So we go from normalising being 280 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:58,000 in a, you know, a, a constant sort of cycle of conflict to 281 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,240 moving towards more like corporation. 282 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:05,440 And we need, we need a relationship for that. 283 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:09,720 Oh, my cat's about to jump up. I think you might see her a 284 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:13,040 little bit more today. She's just been spayed, so she's 285 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:19,200 got her collar on. So where was I? 286 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:23,160 Cam, you're putting me off. So yeah. 287 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,640 So we need to focus on on building that trust. 288 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,360 You can actually help with it with the issue. 289 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:32,440 And as I said, when a child is is using this behaviour, it 290 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:37,960 affects your relationship and that becomes another problem 291 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:41,440 that child is dealing with because children need strong 292 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:45,680 attachments to their parents, really their primary caregivers, 293 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:49,240 for them to develop wealth, for them to feel safe and secure, 294 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:51,040 they need that strong attachment. 295 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,520 So when we use validation in this way, it's a really good way 296 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,840 of showing empathy and compassion because there may be 297 00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:01,520 times when you're not feeling very compassionate and it's hard 298 00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:04,360 to, it's hard to show that and go, yeah, you know what you, you 299 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,680 may be waiting for, for that feeling of compassion to come 300 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:08,600 up. But it's hard to have that just 301 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,880 come up naturally when a child is just screaming at you, 302 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:13,920 shouting at you, may be hitting you, may be punching you, 303 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,040 breaking things, trashing your house. 304 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:23,280 But in order to, like I say, start a new cycle where we're 305 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:28,520 not just in this never ending cycle of conflict, there needs 306 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:30,160 to be a break. We need to show compassion, we 307 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,120 need to try and understand it from someone else's point of 308 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:34,960 view, have that empathy and go, right, I'm suffering, but you're 309 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,080 suffering as well. What's this like for you? 310 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:43,040 So when it doesn't come up naturally, making sure you are 311 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,440 thinking about these validation statements and, and making these 312 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,920 validation statements can kind of kick start that empathy a 313 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,600 little bit. So those are our three main 314 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,880 reasons why we use validation. And now I'm going to talk a 315 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,560 little bit about kind of how we do it, how we'd suggest you do 316 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:03,000 it. We're not always as prescriptive 317 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:09,000 as this, but in this case, I think it's quite, quite good to 318 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:13,760 be prescriptive because we've, we've kind of tweaked this and, 319 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:18,480 and developed it through talking with, you know, so many 320 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,040 families, hundreds, hundreds of families. 321 00:17:21,839 --> 00:17:26,560 And in in a lot of cases, we, we see this works for quite a few 322 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:29,280 people. And obviously nothing works for 323 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,200 everyone all the time. We've already talked about that. 324 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:36,640 But it is, you know, this is quite a good starting place to 325 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:40,520 give it a try like this. So how we do it? 326 00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:46,120 First of all, I'd recommend you do this when your child is, you 327 00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:50,680 know, regulated, when they are able to regulate their emotions, 328 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:54,160 when things are calmer. And in a previous episode, we 329 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,040 talked about, we did the three faces. 330 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:59,400 And so thinking about that, when your child is at face number 331 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,240 one, you know, when they've got that good balance between the 332 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,080 thinking and the feeling parts of their brain, that's when you 333 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,600 want to make these statements. You might not get many 334 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,440 opportunities for that. So, you know, you might have to 335 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:14,240 pick your time, but we're looking for those times where 336 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,920 they're a little bit more balanced, a little bit more 337 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:20,520 regulated. So that's that's kind of the 338 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:25,080 first thing. Secondly, it's a really short, 339 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:28,080 simple statement. It's not a question, never a 340 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:29,720 question. There's nothing added on the 341 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:33,760 end. It is simply, you know, I've, 342 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,840 I've been thinking I can, I can only imagine how tough that was 343 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:40,680 for you that whatever it, that the issue is happened. 344 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,080 And, and, and as I said, this could be something that happened 345 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:44,040 yesterday. It could be something that 346 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:47,440 happened two years ago. Find to use historic things 347 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:50,040 where it's really important to do, you know, use historic 348 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:52,560 issues, things that haven't maybe been fully addressed, but 349 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:55,040 also things that, you know, yesterday you got really angry 350 00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:58,240 because, you know, you, we couldn't get a take away when 351 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:01,320 you wanted one or, you know, we said no more, no more time on 352 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:02,680 the switch now. And it, and it was really 353 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,520 frustrating, whatever those issues are. 354 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,200 And, and it doesn't mean that you have to think that the 355 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,880 response to them was valid, but you again, we're just thinking 356 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:15,080 about what the issue is. So it's a, it's a short, simple 357 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,000 statement. So we're saying, OK, imagine how 358 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:20,040 how frustrating that was for you or how upsetting or how, you 359 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:24,080 know, scary that whatever it might be, but we're not going to 360 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,680 make it a question. We're not going to say, do you 361 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:28,280 want to talk about it? And what was that like when this 362 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:30,120 happened? Or what do you think we could do 363 00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:32,120 differently next time? We're not, we're not doing that 364 00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:33,920 with validation. This, these are all relevant 365 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:37,560 things, but that's not what we're doing when we're talking 366 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,080 about validation. So no questions. 367 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:42,080 There's no pressure to have a conversation here. 368 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:45,920 We're not expecting a response. We are making this statement to 369 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,960 communicate that we're paying attention to the difficulty that 370 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,320 they're that they're experiencing. 371 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,280 And there's one thread to this conversation. 372 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,240 It's not a conversation. One thread to this 373 00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:58,960 communication. OK. 374 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:03,720 The that one thread is, you know, I'm observing that. 375 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,040 I think that was really tough. That's it. 376 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:10,760 I'm not going to say, you know, when I was your age, I remember 377 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,520 a time that was similar introducing our experience. 378 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,600 We're not doing that here. We're not going to say, you 379 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,000 know, I can see that was really tough. 380 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,640 But you still can't act like that. 381 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,840 Well, but we still have to, you know, I, I know you really, it's 382 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:27,200 really tough for you to, to go to school, but you still have to 383 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,320 go. OK, we're going to leave that 384 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,200 butt off the end. We're going to leave any other 385 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:34,360 threads to this communication out of it. 386 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:38,560 We just want one single thread, one really simple statement. 387 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,840 I can imagine that was really tough because what can often 388 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:45,680 happen is you start off with, you know, what you're intending 389 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:47,640 to say is I recognise how difficult that is. 390 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:52,360 One thread and then you go, but you know, you still have to go 391 00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:55,400 to school another thread. But I do know how tough it was 392 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:59,080 because I remember when I was your age and three threads, 3 393 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:04,240 threads, 3 threads. And you know, this is getting 394 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:07,920 confusing, this is getting convoluted and we can't be sure 395 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:11,640 that the real important part that is I can see this is 396 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:13,720 difficult for you is the bit that's going to get through. 397 00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:18,600 This becomes even more relevant when we're dealing with people, 398 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:23,560 when you're a divergent, maybe there may be difficulty in 399 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,320 communication or in processing. There's multiple threads at the 400 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:30,560 same time. Equally, when we are when we 401 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:34,960 when, when we have normalised conflict in a relationship, 402 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:37,760 we're on the lookout for that conflict at any at any 403 00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:41,400 opportunity. So even though your main thing 404 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:44,440 you're trying to get across is trying to communicate compassion 405 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:47,840 and empathy, what gets picked up is but you can't do that. 406 00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:49,320 Ah, so you're trying to change me. 407 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,160 Ah, So what I'm doing isn't good enough. 408 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,720 Yeah, you're always on at me. You're always trying to get me. 409 00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:56,960 And that's the bit is, that's the bit that's going to be 410 00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,960 responded to. So it can lead to conflict, 411 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,320 further conflict. It's much harder to do that when 412 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:05,360 we're just saying, I guess that's tough and then we're 413 00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:09,280 leaving it there. So 11 thread of communication 414 00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:14,640 and then a, another really important part of this is once 415 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,680 you've made this statement and this is going to feel a bit 416 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:19,200 weird, right? And no two ways about it. 417 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,320 I think for most people this feels strange. 418 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,000 You're going to be bringing this first of all, couple of weird 419 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,160 things. You're going to be bringing this 420 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,640 up in a quiet time when your child isn't showing you there's 421 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:29,560 a big problem. That's going to feel weird in 422 00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:30,640 itself because you're like, what? 423 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:34,600 So I'm just, you know, they're staring there watching TV and I 424 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,400 walk in and go, you know what? I can't imagine how frustrating 425 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,200 that was yesterday when your sister sat in that chair that 426 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,120 you wanted to sit in and it made you really angry. 427 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:45,520 I get that was tough. It's come from nowhere. 428 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:47,280 Everyone's going to be a bit like, right, What's going on 429 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:49,240 here? It will feel weird, but that's 430 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:50,920 all right. You know it. 431 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:52,960 At least now you know, for what is it? 432 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,960 Forewarned is forearmed, I think. 433 00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:57,080 Is that what they say? I don't know. 434 00:22:57,080 --> 00:23:00,560 Maybe. Anyway. 435 00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:03,520 So it's going to be kind of coming out of nowhere, a bit 436 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:05,200 strange. And then once you've made this 437 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,880 statement, you're then going to move to a different physical 438 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:12,880 location in your home. So however your home's set up, 439 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:17,000 say you have a sitting room and you know your child's in there 440 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:20,400 watching TV. Maybe you go in there, you say 441 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,000 whatever it is, whatever validation statement you choose 442 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:26,040 to make, short, simple, one thread. 443 00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:30,120 And then you're literally going to go somewhere else. 444 00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:31,640 You're going to go to the kitchen, you're going to go and 445 00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:34,000 make a cup of tea. You know you're going to get 446 00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:39,080 started cooking dinner, you're going to go sit in the garden, 447 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:41,640 read a book for half an hour. If you're lucky enough to have a 448 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:46,920 garden, you know whenever it is, you're not going to just stay 449 00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:49,360 there because it's really important that you communicate. 450 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:51,280 We're not trying to have a conversation here. 451 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:53,960 I don't need an answer from you. I don't need anything from you. 452 00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,800 There's no pressure on you to to, to do anything here. 453 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:01,240 That's not your reason for making this statement. 454 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:04,280 Your reason for making this statement is to show to your 455 00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:06,840 child that you're paying attention to this, this threat 456 00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:10,400 to their well-being, this danger that they perceive that they're 457 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,800 not sure that anyone else's. My cat is going crazy now. 458 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:17,000 I don't know if you heard that she's having a bit of a mad half 459 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,800 hour. This, this kind of like I said, 460 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:24,360 this threat to their to their well-being that they don't trust 461 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:26,720 that the adults have picked up on. 462 00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:30,600 So that's why you're doing it. So this isn't a, this isn't a 463 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:33,160 kind of, you know, oh, I'm going to say it once and it fixes 464 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,480 everything. This is about rebuilding trust, 465 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:38,800 rebuilding communication, rebuilding that relationship. 466 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:45,000 So, yeah, the fact that you make the statement and then walk away 467 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,680 basically shows to your child, we're not trying to have a 468 00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:49,920 conversation here. There's no pressure. 469 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,360 I don't have to give you anything back. 470 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:55,320 This isn't about what you as the adult gets out of it, you as the 471 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:58,280 parent gets out of it. This is about I'm showing you 472 00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:01,280 that I that I see this this issue and this is a really big 473 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:08,000 deal for you. It will feel weird most likely, 474 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:10,920 but the more you practise, the easier it gets. 475 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:19,600 So, you know, give it a try. Equally, it may be that, you 476 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:21,320 know, you make this statement and child goes, you don't 477 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:24,040 understand what it's like for me or whatever it may be in maybe 478 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:29,520 in stronger terms than that. Very often a child will have 479 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:32,240 heard that first bit of validation. 480 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,320 You know, I can see that really made you angry. 481 00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:37,960 But they will be primed to expect the second bit that 482 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:41,880 normally comes, which is but you can't hear, but you can't do 483 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:45,600 that, but you still have to. And as soon as I hear the first 484 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,160 bit, they're already feeling in the in the second bit 485 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:50,760 themselves. So they may respond as if you've 486 00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:55,200 said the second bit, it may take them, may take you 1015 times of 487 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,440 trying this before they trust that the second bit isn't 488 00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:03,200 coming. OK, so it may feel awkward, but 489 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,160 you're going to be practising this quite a few times anyway. 490 00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:08,400 So, you know, give it a go. Hello Cam. 491 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:15,440 So validation, short simple statement. 492 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:21,080 Do it when they're, you know, at face, face #1 when they're, when 493 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:26,080 they're able, when they're more regulated emotionally, But 494 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:28,400 there's there's no questions, there's no expectations of 495 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,240 anything to come back. So we're going to make the 496 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:31,560 statement and then we're going to move away. 497 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:38,040 Now by doing that, your child can then process what you're 498 00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:40,960 saying to them in their own time, in their own way. 499 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:47,160 If you, if you make a statement like that and then you say, do 500 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:49,120 you want to talk about it, that child has to have an answer for 501 00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:50,280 you. They have to know what they feel 502 00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:53,480 about it there and then If I'm asking a question, if I'm asking 503 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:57,520 a question, I'm expecting an answer back pretty pretty soon. 504 00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,720 You know, probably not going to sit here and wait for half an 505 00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:03,760 hour for the answer, but it may be that your child needs half an 506 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:08,760 hour, 2 hours a day to actually think about what it is they've 507 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:12,600 just heard from you. So by giving them that space, by 508 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:15,640 making the statement and then and then moving on, you allow 509 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:17,840 them to process it in their own time, in their own way, as I 510 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:21,680 said. And what might happen is they 511 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:26,760 come back to you in half an hour into two hours time in in a day 512 00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:29,040 later and say, you know what, Mom? 513 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:32,520 You know what, Dad? You know what, Grand Granddad 514 00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:35,240 that. Yeah, that that was really hard 515 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:40,640 or yeah, I am really struggling with this, whatever it might be. 516 00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,320 But the difference being that if they come to you to initiate 517 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:47,200 that conversation, they're in control of that. 518 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:50,080 They've had time to process it. They know what they want to say 519 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:53,920 to you. So the chances are that that 520 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:56,040 conversation is going to go much, much better. 521 00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:58,160 You're going to actually get somewhere with that. 522 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:01,520 Rather than saying, that was really tough, why don't you tell 523 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:03,280 me what's going on, tell me what's wrong. 524 00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,000 We can talk about it. I can help you. 525 00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:09,960 We can talk this through. Likelihood is the pressure there 526 00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:12,120 is going to mean that that conversation isn't going to go 527 00:28:12,120 --> 00:28:14,000 well. Very different dynamic when the 528 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:16,120 child is, you know, initiating it. 529 00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:20,840 So that's validation essentially. 530 00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:27,480 I spoke in the previous podcast about when I was doing the three 531 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:32,200 faces about something that can help to get your child to face 532 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:37,040 #1A little bit more regularly. And validation is a really a 533 00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:38,960 really good way of doing that because what it does is it 534 00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:40,800 creates an atmosphere where we're recognising this 535 00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:43,240 difficulty where we're saying, yeah, that is really tough. 536 00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:45,720 So that means that child doesn't have to mask so much. 537 00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:49,240 It's, it's OK to feel that way. We're recognising that. 538 00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:53,480 And so that means, yeah, less time at face #3. 539 00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:58,560 It also means because we're making this validation statement 540 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:01,080 when they're at face #1 when they have their thinking brain 541 00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:05,040 online and their, and their feeling brain online, it means 542 00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:08,840 they're able to, you know, have a little look at what they're 543 00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:13,600 feeling here in a very low pressure environment situation. 544 00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:16,680 And they've got enough thinking brain online to be able to kind 545 00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:19,640 of make sense of it as well. So they can, they can start 546 00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:24,160 making sense of it, processing it, and then begin to move past 547 00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:27,080 it maybe to think about what they can, you know, asking for 548 00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:31,120 help, who knows. We've had some really, really 549 00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:34,280 positive responses from, from parents when they, you know, 550 00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:38,600 when they've tried validation. Most parents have said it felt 551 00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:42,480 weird and it, I think, you know, it just does, like I said, 552 00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:46,240 you're bringing it up kind of out of the blue and then you're 553 00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:48,200 walking away. It's, it's not a very normal 554 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:52,200 thing to do. Also, we don't often focus on 555 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:54,080 those more difficult parts of life. 556 00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:57,800 We're very good at praise, you know, well done, really proud of 557 00:29:57,800 --> 00:29:59,200 you. That was really hard and you did 558 00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:01,720 it anyway. Good work that comes naturally. 559 00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:06,200 What we don't do so much of is that was just really tough. 560 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:12,200 So what we're doing is if we only focus on praise, we're 561 00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:16,080 looking at the, you know, parts of life that we celebrate and 562 00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:18,200 we're just completely ignoring the parts of life that are just 563 00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:19,760 really, really tough, really hard. 564 00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:22,880 So that's ignoring half of your child's experience, potentially 565 00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:24,680 maybe more, maybe less, who knows. 566 00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:29,280 But so so we're just kind of balancing balancing that out a 567 00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:32,960 little bit with validation. We're looking at the good stuff, 568 00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:35,000 carry on using praises really, really important. 569 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,760 You have to, you know, pray successes, but we're also 570 00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:40,560 balancing that with but these things are just really 571 00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:43,280 difficult. There's no praise involved in 572 00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:44,200 it. We're not doing that. 573 00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:45,840 We're just saying, wow, that's tough. 574 00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:48,880 That is an equal part of our experience in life. 575 00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:55,640 So yeah, I think I've waffled on probably quite a long time. 576 00:30:56,040 --> 00:31:01,600 Hopefully there's some some useful bits in there, you know, 577 00:31:02,040 --> 00:31:04,000 get in contact with us. If you'd like to know a little 578 00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:09,000 bit more, you send us an e-mail, check out the website. 579 00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:14,160 But yeah, hoefully it was useful and hopefully we'll see it next 580 00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:14,480 time.