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Hello and welcome to the Kappa 
Podcast. 

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My name is Matt. 
I'm the Senior Practitioner for 

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Kappa First Response and I'm 
joined today as ever by our 

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Founder and CEO, Jane Griffiths.
Hi, Jane. 

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Hey Matt, how you doing? 
So lovely to be here with. 

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You with me face to face. 
I know in your lovely flat 

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sunny. 
It's a rare treat, isn't it? 

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Fantastic. 
It you know what, It is a rare 

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treat. 
Yeah, I think it. 

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It's so lovely to be together to
record this. 

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Yeah, I agree. 
I agree. 

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It already feels a lot more 
real. 

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Yeah, Yeah. 
So this series is going to be 

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slightly different to what we've
done previously, isn't it? 

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Do you want to say a little bit 
about about why we're doing this

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series to begin with? 
Yeah. 

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Well, I mean, I guess our 
previous series that we we've 

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thought about, we've sort of 
been in conversation with or 

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we've been zooming and and 
speaking to particular people 

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about particular issues. 
This one is really designed for 

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families who feel a bit more 
isolated, whether that be via 

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location or through 
circumstances and their 

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experience, feel like they're 
unable to talk to people. 

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And we wanted to provide 
something that families could 

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access 24/7 regardless of their 
locations. 

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I also think it's really 
important to say that East 

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Sussex local authority sort of 
really commissioned us to do 

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this because they really wanted 
to support families living in 

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those rural outlying areas who 
found it really, really 

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difficult to get support. 
And we'll be offering, well, I 

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guess if we were to sit, Matt, 
and think about what would be 

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our top five or six strategies, 
we're sort of aiming to to sort 

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of think about those strategies 
for families, aren't we? 

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That's what the series is going 
to be about. 

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Yeah. 
So it's, it's a little bit more,

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it's going to be a little bit, I
mean, I think hopefully all, all

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of our podcasts have been 
useful, but this is a bit more, 

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something a bit more tangible, a
bit more solid that people can 

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use and put into practise. 
Yeah. 

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We're not thinking about, you 
know, this, these episodes 

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aren't for about us 
understanding what this issue 

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is. 
This is really let's go, what's 

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the support that we offer to 
families and let's share that, 

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Yeah. 
I think you said a minute ago 

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that these are like probably 5 
or six of our top strategies 

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that we, we know are useful to 
quite a few different families 

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that we work with. 
But it's always really important

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to say that nothing works all of
the time. 

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And there isn't one thing that 
is going to work for every 

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single family. 
And if even if it works for that

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family, it doesn't mean that 
it's going to work 100% of the 

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time. 
So it's just important that we 

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say that at the at the top, I 
think to say these are all ideas

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that, you know, have a listen, 
keep it in mind. 

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Hopefully you think I'm going to
give that a try. 

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But even if you think it's not 
going to work for me, it doesn't

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feel quite right. 
Hopefully you'll still think 

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about the idea behind it. 
And even if you don't action 

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anything from it, you can think 
about why, why it might be 

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useful and why it might be 
important. 

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And hopefully there's some use 
in that as well. 

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Yeah. 
And and I think, you know, a 

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reminder that all of our work 
and all of our support to 

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families is tailored and 
bespoke. 

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You know, we speak to families 
and think what's happening for 

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them in their home and we can, 
you know, it could be that we 

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don't talk about any of these 
strategies, but generally what 

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we've found out is these 
strategies come into our support

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at some point for families. 
And there will be somebody out 

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there listening to this and 
maybe think I can't, I can't get

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on board with what Matt, I can't
get on board with what that that

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strategy that you've spoken 
about. 

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But I can really get on board 
with this other strategy. 

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And we we anticipate that and 
expect that. 

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I think what's important as well
is that, you know, everything 

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and all everything we're going 
to be sharing on the in this 

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series, it's not necessary. 
It's not going to do any harm. 

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It's all about it's all 
relationship building. 

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And that's only a positive 
thing. 

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You may see things and we'll 
talk about that and what in one 

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of the episodes that we're going
to be presenting about, you 

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know, what can happen if 
actually things do feel 

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different. 
My child has noticed something 

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different. 
What do I do then? 

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So, and we will we'll sort of 
address that weren't we want to 

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I think it's Episode 2 when 
we're thinking about our safety 

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Lanning. 
OK, so, so that's a little bit 

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about why we're doing it and you
know, some of the things we're 

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going to be covering, but it's 
going to it's going to look a 

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little bit different from our 
other podcasts, right? 

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Yep, Yeah. 
So, you know, up until now it's 

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been us chatting, hasn't it, And
having conversations. 

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Yeah. 
What we've decided to do with 

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this, which will look a little 
bit different, is the beginning 

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of every episode. 
We'll have a little explanation 

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around what we're doing. 
You know, this isn't about 

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explaining why this happens, 
because we've done that. 

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This is about sharing those 
strategies, how we would share 

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them with a family. 
So we're doing it separately. 

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So I'm going to be presenting 
three of them and thinking about

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3 strategies and you're going to
be presenting three of them and 

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support 3 strategies. 
But we're doing them solo. 

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So they won't have that 
opportunity of a back and forth.

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And I think that that's going to
be the main difference that 

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people will see. 
Yeah, and I think that's 

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hopefully will make it a little 
bit more useful because you can 

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follow along. 
It's not you're not listening to

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a conversation like you're 
saying of us back and forth. 

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You're listening to us giving 
you a strategy as we would, you 

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know, in a session if, you know,
as we were explaining it to you 

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and and kind of telling you why 
we're suggesting you do this, 

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what what the background is to 
it. 

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Is there anything else we've 
missed, Jane? 

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I think we, I don't think we 
have. 

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Hopefully we can just let's do 
it. 

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Let's. 
Go All right, let's get into it.

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OK, so for the first one, we 
something called 3 phases and 

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it's, it's all about really 
understanding what happens when 

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we become dysregulated. 
Now, a lot of it is aimed at 

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thinking about what happens when
your child becomes dysregulated,

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but it relates to all of us. 
It's about being human, 

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essentially. 
It becomes more relevant when 

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you've got someone who is really
struggling to regulate their 

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emotions. 
But I think it's valid for 

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everyone to to to think about. 
Well, I think it's probably fair

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to say as well as we Co regulate
as well, don't we? 

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So if somebody's starting to 
dysregulate, it's really normal 

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for us to start dysregulating 
too. 

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So of course it's, it's really 
helpful regardless of scenarios,

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but particularly when we're, 
we're, you know, we've your 

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child is dysregulating what's 
going on for you. 

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And, and as we know, if your 
child is dysregulating or if one

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person's become dysregulated, 
then if you have, if that then 

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triggers the other person, they 
become dysregulated and you have

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two people dysregulated, that's 
going to lead to escalation. 

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So the idea being the more you 
understand about what's actually

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going on, what you can, what you
can do about it, what, what's 

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kind of going on in the brain at
this at this moment, you've got 

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a better chance of being able to
stay a little bit calm in 

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yourself and respond in a more 
helpful way. 

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Brilliant. 
OK. 

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Well, over to you, Matt. 
OK. 

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So this is the three faces and I
first came across this in my 

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work with Doctor Annie Clements.
And we're doing some work around

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neurodiversity, but it's it, I 
think it relates to everyone as 

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well. 
And it's useful for all of us to

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think about what's kind of going
on when we become dysregulated. 

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It's quite, you know, it, it can
be quite simple. 

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And that's, that's for a reason.
Because when things are 

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difficult, when we're in a 
heightened situation, you know, 

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when there's an escalation 
happening, we don't want to have

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to think about really 
complicated, I don't know, 

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complicated theories or abstract
ideas so much, you know. 

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So we, we kind of used some 
visuals with this as well to 

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help it, I guess make a bit more
sense really. 

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So yeah, like I say, it's really
quick and easy way to visualise 

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where you're at, where your 
child or your children are AT 

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and emotionally and the most 
helpful way to respond so you 

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can de escalate a situation 
because that's always our first 

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priority is to de escalate. 
You know, de escalation is the 

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best way of keeping everyone 
safe. 

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So, you know, like I said in the
moment, we want to keep things 

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as simple and as straightforward
as possible. 

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So, you know, with that in mind,
I'd like you to draw if you can 

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follow along with this, or you 
can just look, but if you're 

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following along, I'd like to 
draw three like emoji faces on a

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page. 
First one's going to be a :) or 

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a happy face, second one would 
be like a sad or a kind of 

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grumpy looking face. 
And then the third one is sort 

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of a flat or a neutral looking 
face, just with a, a line 

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straight through the middle. 
Yeah, for the mouth that is. 

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So for the first one, I'd like 
you to draw a dotted line 

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straight through the middle of 
that face so it divides the top 

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and the bottom half. 
So that's for the :) for the 

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second one, I'd like you to draw
a line directly above the face, 

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and then the third one, a line 
directly below the face. 

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So you should have three faces 
:) sad face, neutral, flat 

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looking face, first one line 
through the middle, second one a

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line above, third one line 
below. 

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So these three faces indicate 
our three main emotional states 

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that we're going to be talking 
about. 

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First one is when we're feeling 
more balanced or calm, a bit 

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more like ourselves. 
Second one is when we are 

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dysregulated or, you know, maybe
when someone's having a 

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meltdown. 
And the third one is when we're 

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masking and we think about 
masking in terms of 

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neurodivergent people a lot. 
But in a way, we can, you know, 

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we all do it to some degree. 
You know, if we can think of it 

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in terms of putting a brave face
on a situation, which is 

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something probably most parents 
who are listening to this will 

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have experienced quite a lot. 
You know, someone goes, oh, how 

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you doing? 
You know, yeah, yeah, I'm all 

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right. 
I'm all right. 

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But really, you know, you, 
you're having a really, really 

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tough time. 
So you can't, you can't let that

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person know that because you're 
you're worried you'll be 

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rejected if you respond, you 
know how you're actually 

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feeling. 
So that's kind of what we're 

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thinking about in terms of face 
#3 OK, so let's look at that 

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line across all three of them. 
First one lines in the middle. 

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Now, this is quite a simplistic 
way of looking at it, but like I

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say, hopefully that makes it a 
bit more useful to you in the 

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moment. 
Anything above that line is the 

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thinking part of the brain. 
OK. 

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Anything below that line is the 
feeling part of the brain. 

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So the thinking part of the 
brain is, as it suggests, the 

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part of our brain that is 
responsible for our thoughts. 

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You know who we think of in 
terms of, you know, what, what 

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we think of in terms of who we 
are, You know, maybe our 

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thoughts for the future, you 
know, hopes for the future, our 

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memories of the past and our 
things we like, things we don't 

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like our, you know, our 
passions, things that, you know,

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ways we show our creativity, all
that kind of stuff. 

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That's more coming from our 
thinking part of the brain. 

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And the feeling part of the 
brain is more, as the name 

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suggests, how we feel. 
So that can be emotionally or in

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terms of our sensory input. 
You know, this is I'm feeling 

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hot or this jump is itchy or you
know, our senses. 

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So those kind of feelings, so 
light sound like I say, 

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temperature, touch, all that, 
all that kind of stuff. 

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So when those parts of the brain
are in balance, we're feeling 

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OK. 
So that's, that's phase number 

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one. 
That's where we're at. 

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Essentially. 
We've got, we know how we're 

225
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feeling emotionally, we know how
we're feeling physically. 

226
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And then we've and then we've 
got a good balance. 

227
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So we've got all those that kind
of raw information coming from 

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our feeling part of the brain. 
And then the thinking brain is 

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online so it can process all of 
that information. 

230
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So we, we understand. 
OK, I'm feeling really hot. 

231
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I can take off a jumper or I'm 
feeling really worried because, 

232
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you know, that friend said that 
thing to me. 

233
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I'm not sure what I should do 
about it. 

234
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:49,800
Or whatever it might be. 
We've got input from the feeling

235
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part of the brain. 
And then the thinking part of 

236
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the brain makes sense of it 
stops us becoming overwhelmed. 

237
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Now if you look at the face #2 
and that line starts creeping 

238
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up. 
Now, if if we start coming more 

239
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from that feeling part of the 
brain, we have more input from 

240
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that side, it will push that 
line higher. 

241
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:15,640
So, and that can be due to, you 
know, emotions. 

242
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:19,280
So if we're dealing with a lot 
of difficult emotions or really 

243
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powerful emotions that can lead 
to dysregulation, we can find it

244
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hard to regulate our emotions. 
So it can be if we're, you know,

245
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dealing with a lot of anxiety or
a lot of stress or you know, 

246
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,720
even sometimes excitement, 
that's going to push that line 

247
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higher. 
Now, if that line goes higher, 

248
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that means we're responding much
more from the feeling part of 

249
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the brain. 
But that also means we've got 

250
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less thinking brain online. 
So our ability to think 

251
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rationally, use that thinking 
part of the brain is reduced. 

252
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,960
And we can't have all thinking 
and all feeling at the same 

253
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,080
time. 
It has to be in balance. 

254
00:13:56,080 --> 00:14:00,080
So more of the feeling means 
less of the thinking, which 

255
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:03,880
means as we become dysregulated,
you know, and as that line gets 

256
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,000
higher and higher, we become 
more and more dysregulated. 

257
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:10,560
We're going to see more 
irrational behaviours start 

258
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:14,400
making unable to make good 
choices because we're running 

259
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:17,960
from that thinking part of the 
brain which isn't responsible 

260
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,120
for making good choices. 
It isn't responsible for making 

261
00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:23,960
rational choices. 
It just knows how it feels in 

262
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,280
this moment. 
It's not thinking about the 

263
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,720
consequences to this action or 
how we got here in the 1st 

264
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:30,720
place. 
It just knows right now I feel 

265
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:35,360
really angry or right now I feel
really upset and that's its job 

266
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,280
basically. 
Now if it gets right to the top,

267
00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:42,120
that's when we have, you know, 
become completely dysregulated, 

268
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:45,520
full meltdown. 
At that stage, there's not much 

269
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,880
we can do except kind of wait it
out, help that person to be as 

270
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:54,120
safe, help ourselves to be as 
safe as possible until it, until

271
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:58,120
it kind of it comes down again. 
But the key is noticing the 

272
00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,080
signs as that line starts to 
rise. 

273
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:04,680
So that's, that's phase #2 
that's when we, when we're 

274
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:09,680
dysregulated. 
And then phase #3 is like I say,

275
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:13,080
masking. 
So the idea of showing the 

276
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:16,400
outside world what we think the 
outside world needs to see in 

277
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:21,680
order for us to be accepted. 
So a lot of neurodivergent 

278
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:27,280
people will experience this a 
lot of the time or do this a lot

279
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,960
because their experiences, if 
they are authentically 

280
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:33,120
themselves, if they respond to 
how they're actually feeling, 

281
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:35,840
they will not be accepted, 
They'll be rejected. 

282
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:40,000
And that's not safe. 
So they learn to mask. 

283
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:43,200
And like I, you know, I said 
earlier on it, it may be that, 

284
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:47,960
you know, again, you're having 
an awful time with your child 

285
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,240
and someone goes, how you doing?
And you go, yeah, you know, 

286
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,000
yeah, I'm all right. 
Yeah. 

287
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:56,560
Getting through when really, you
know, it's, it's all kind of 

288
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:58,880
falling apart a bit. 
And if you've experienced that, 

289
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:01,640
you'll probably know just how 
draining and how tiring that is.

290
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:06,960
And so what's going on when, 
when we're at that face #3 is 

291
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,520
you'll see the line is directly 
at the bottom. 

292
00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:11,680
That means we are suppressing 
how we're truly feeling and 

293
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,000
we're trying to think our way 
out of it almost. 

294
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:18,680
So we use an awful lot of 
thinking brain power when we're 

295
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:23,000
at that face #3 so instead of 
just feeling how we feel and 

296
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:25,640
responding authentically, we 
suppress that. 

297
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,400
And then we think, well, no, how
should I be feeling? 

298
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:31,080
OK, if I was feeling that way, 
how would I then respond? 

299
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:33,800
OK, so I'll respond in that way.
So it's quite a complicated 

300
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:37,400
mental task just to be just to 
kind of be living, just getting 

301
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,480
by. 
And for lots of children, this 

302
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:42,200
is, this is what happens when 
they're at school. 

303
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:46,000
They spend a whole day masking a
lot, especially for 

304
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:50,280
neurodivergent people or those, 
you know, have experienced 

305
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,760
trauma. 
This can happen. 

306
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,120
This can happen a lot. 
But like I said, we may all, all

307
00:16:57,120 --> 00:17:01,920
recognise it. 
So those are our three faces, 

308
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:06,880
you know, face #1 balanced, face
#2 dysregulated, face #3 

309
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:12,240
masking. 
Now, if we spend a lot of time 

310
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:17,359
at face #3 what will happen is, 
well, we can, we can lose touch 

311
00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:21,000
with ourselves where we really 
are, which can be really 

312
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:27,440
disorientating, really 
upsetting, lead to anxiety and 

313
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:30,960
depression, lots of different, 
you know, different mental 

314
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:34,480
health difficulties. 
But also what happens if we do 

315
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,800
too much, spend too much time at
that phase #3 we are burning 

316
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,560
through those three thinking 
brain resources. 

317
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:47,440
And when they're gone, the 
feeling brain takes over. 

318
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:51,720
So what we see a lot of in the 
families we work with, and this 

319
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,920
is for both parents and, and 
children, is that they're in 

320
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:59,840
this kind of really vicious 
cycle of jumping from being at 

321
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:03,120
phase #3 suppressing how they're
really feeling until they can't 

322
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,360
do it anymore. 
And then they shoot up to phase 

323
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:07,800
#2 there's a, there's a big 
outburst or there's a big 

324
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:11,360
meltdown. 
And then there may be feelings 

325
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:14,000
of guilt or shame, which are 
really difficult emotions to 

326
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,960
carry, which then pushes their 
line higher again. 

327
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,840
When, when we've calmed down 
again because of those feelings 

328
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:22,680
of guilt or shame or other other
difficult emotions that you're 

329
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:25,840
carrying or maybe other sensory 
difficulties, that starts 

330
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:29,400
pushing that line higher again, 
means we're, we're starting to 

331
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,400
get closer to dysregulation 
again. 

332
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,440
And but then we try and suppress
it. 

333
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:41,240
We try and mask, we try and 
think our way out of it, hold 

334
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,880
that in until we can't anymore. 
We burn through those thinking 

335
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:45,400
brain resources and it happens 
again. 

336
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:49,640
So we get into this cycle, like 
I say, of dysregulation and 

337
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:53,240
masking and jumping between the 
two faces, two and three. 

338
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:56,320
But then we never actually get 
to phase #1 or very rarely. 

339
00:18:56,880 --> 00:19:00,240
So, you know, we're going to 
talk a little bit more about a 

340
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:04,320
good way of helping your child 
to get to phase #1A little bit 

341
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:08,640
more regularly. 
But I think that the key thing 

342
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:14,320
for this is that being able to 
recognise or being able to 

343
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,320
visualise well where is this 
line from my child, where is 

344
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,440
this line from for myself is 
really useful. 

345
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:24,880
Because if you can go right, the
line is rising, I see that line 

346
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,320
rising. 
And you'll see that because you 

347
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:30,400
start seeing more irrational 
behaviour from your child, you 

348
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:31,960
know, they may become more 
irritable. 

349
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,400
They will show you they're not, 
they're not regulating their 

350
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:39,600
emotions, they're not happy, 
they're not able to control 

351
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,360
themselves. 
That's a surefire sign that that

352
00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:47,840
line is rising up. 
And now it's really important 

353
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:51,160
that if we recognise that that 
line's rising up, that we 

354
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:56,000
respond in a useful way to try 
and deescalate. 

355
00:19:56,760 --> 00:20:02,520
So thinking about those thinking
brain resources, we don't one of

356
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:04,800
the one of the thinking brains 
jobs is to regulate the 

357
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:07,600
emotions, try and make sense of 
what's going on from this, this 

358
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:13,800
feeling part of the brain. 
Now what we don't want to do is 

359
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,680
if that line is starting to 
rise, is take away those 

360
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:20,840
thinking brain resources by 
engaging that thinking brain 

361
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:25,200
with lots of conversation, 
asking questions, you know, 

362
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:31,760
really engaging in conversation 
that that can be quite demanding

363
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:34,240
to, to process. 
First of all, you know, 

364
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:37,280
processing language. 
We're taking that thinking brain

365
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:43,400
energy away, then we're trying 
to interpret, you know, what's 

366
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:48,000
being said, try and interpret 
any other meaning into it and 

367
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:51,120
thinking about how we feel about
that, think about how we want to

368
00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:53,840
respond. 
This is all taking energy away 

369
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,080
from that thinking brain's job 
of just regulating emotion 

370
00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:01,760
again. 
So what, what we, what we need 

371
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:08,080
to try and do is it's not reason
with an emotional brain. 

372
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:11,400
Don't try and make that part of 
the brain do something it isn't 

373
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,400
designed to do. 
So if you see that line is 

374
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:18,760
rising, if you can see someone 
becoming dysregulated, give give

375
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:24,440
that a thinking brain space. 
Because once that line has come 

376
00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:31,400
down, once we have this, you 
know, once we've been able to, 

377
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:36,040
to de escalate, help that person
from a place of dysregulation 

378
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:39,360
back to a place where they're 
able to manage what's going on 

379
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:42,400
for themselves emotionally, then
we can talk. 

380
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:44,480
Then we've got a thinking brain 
online that we can have a 

381
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,760
conversation with. 
But before that, we're what 

382
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:51,880
we're going to do is likely 
lead, you know, push, push that 

383
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,840
person into further 
dysregulation, lead to further 

384
00:21:55,760 --> 00:22:03,840
escalation of conflict. 
So, you know, that is 

385
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:09,760
essentially the three phases, I 
guess that the key points again 

386
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:16,080
are really keeping an awareness 
of where you are, where is your 

387
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:18,840
line? 
If you know your, you can feel 

388
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:20,400
yourself, your line is going up 
here. 

389
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:24,080
You know that your thinking 
brain isn't working at optimum 

390
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:27,480
levels. 
So what can you do to step away 

391
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:31,640
to regulate yourself so you can 
come back and make a, you know, 

392
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,960
maybe a more useful decision 
about them, the way you respond 

393
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:39,640
and if you can see that your 
child, you know, that line is 

394
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:43,080
rising up for your child, what 
can you do to give their 

395
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:48,240
thinking brain more space and 
not, you know, not escalate the 

396
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:52,960
the situation further? 
So, so that is the three phases.

397
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:56,840
I hope that's been useful. 
Like I said, we're going to, 

398
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:59,720
we're going to come back to 
thinking about some things you 

399
00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:06,200
can do that are going to help to
bring that, bring that line down

400
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,840
and help your child get to face 
#1A bit more of the time. 

401
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,920
Because it's really important to
think about the fact that at 

402
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:17,960
face #3, we're not able to make 
any sense of how we're feeling 

403
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:21,120
really because we're suppressing
it can't really get close to how

404
00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:24,320
we're actually feeling. 
We're pushing it down, trying to

405
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,960
think our way out of how we're 
feeling, which doesn't work at 

406
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:31,360
face #2 we're, we're just 
completely ruled by how we're 

407
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:33,000
feeling. 
We're not, we're not thinking 

408
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:34,880
about it. 
We're we're just feeling it. 

409
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,600
The, the, the feeling part of 
the brain doesn't do thinking, 

410
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:43,040
it just does feeling right. 
So we're not able to, to make 

411
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:44,640
any sense of how we're actually 
feeling. 

412
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:48,080
So that means that if we spend 
all our time at phase #3 and 

413
00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:51,480
phase #2 we're never actually 
able to process, make sense of 

414
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,000
how we're feeling and move on 
from it. 

415
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:57,040
So that's why it's really 
important that we do help 

416
00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:01,360
ourselves and our children to 
get to phase #1 so we can start 

417
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:06,960
to process it, so we can start 
to let let some things go and we

418
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,400
can start to make sense of, you 
know, what's going on for 

419
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:14,520
ourselves. 
So that's phase #3 that's the 

420
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:18,720
three phases. 
I hope it's useful for you. 

421
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:22,680
If you have any questions, you 
know, feel free to get in 

422
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:26,400
contact with us, send us an 
e-mail, you know, look on the 

423
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:28,600
website, maybe some more 
information there that may be 

424
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,720
useful for you. 
You can look into Doctor Annie 

425
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:35,280
Clements's work as well. 
As I said, that's, you know, 

426
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:36,760
this is where I first came 
across it. 

427
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:41,440
And yeah, hopefully that's 
useful and we'll we'll talk to 

428
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:42,040
you next time.