1 00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:06,960 Hello and welcome to the Kappa Podcast. 2 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:10,280 My name is Matt. I'm the Senior Practitioner for 3 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:13,960 Kappa First Response and I'm joined today as ever by our 4 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:16,280 Founder and CEO, Jane Griffiths. Hi, Jane. 5 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:19,240 Hey Matt, how you doing? So lovely to be here with. 6 00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:22,680 You with me face to face. I know in your lovely flat 7 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:24,600 sunny. It's a rare treat, isn't it? 8 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,560 Fantastic. It you know what, It is a rare 9 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,000 treat. Yeah, I think it. 10 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,280 It's so lovely to be together to record this. 11 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,479 Yeah, I agree. I agree, it already feels a lot 12 00:00:32,479 --> 00:00:34,720 more real. Yeah, yeah. 13 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:39,800 So this series is going to be slightly different to what we've 14 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:43,280 done previously, isn't it? Do you want to say a little bit 15 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:45,640 about about why we're doing this series to begin with? 16 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:47,320 Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess our 17 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,800 previous series that we we've thought about, we've sort of 18 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,880 been in conversation with or we've been zooming and and 19 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:55,720 speaking to particular people about particular issues. 20 00:00:56,560 --> 00:01:01,000 This one is really designed for families who feel a bit more 21 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:04,879 isolated, whether that be via location or through 22 00:01:04,879 --> 00:01:07,480 circumstances and their experience, feel like they're 23 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:10,840 unable to talk to people. And we wanted to provide 24 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:15,840 something that families could access 24/7 regardless of their 25 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,680 locations. I also think it's really 26 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:21,400 important to say that East Sussex local authority sort of 27 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,360 really commissioned us to do this because they really wanted 28 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:29,160 to support families living in those rural outlying areas who 29 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,560 found it really, really difficult to get support. 30 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:36,720 And we'll be offering, well, I guess if we were to sit, Matt, 31 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:40,040 and think about what would be our top five or six strategies, 32 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:46,160 we're sort of aiming to to sort of think about those strategies 33 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,480 for families, aren't we? That's what the series is going 34 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:49,960 to be about. Yeah. 35 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:54,040 So it's, it's a little bit more, it's going to be a little bit, I 36 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:56,720 mean, I think hopefully all, all of our podcasts have been 37 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:59,880 useful, but this is a bit more, something a bit more tangible, a 38 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:02,440 bit more solid that people can use and put into practise. 39 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,520 Yeah. We're not thinking about, you 40 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:07,360 know, this, these episodes aren't for about us 41 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,639 understanding what this issue is. 42 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:15,360 This is really let's go, what's the support that we offer to 43 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:18,480 families and let's share that, Yeah. 44 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:23,080 I think you said a minute ago that these are like probably 5 45 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:27,440 or six of our top strategies that we, we know are useful to 46 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:29,360 quite a few different families that we work with. 47 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:33,320 But it's always really important to say that nothing works all of 48 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,280 the time. And there isn't one thing that 49 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,080 is going to work for every single family. 50 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:39,920 And if even if it works for that family, it doesn't mean that 51 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,040 it's going to work 100% of the time. 52 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,840 So it's just important that we say that at the at the top, I 53 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:50,640 think to say these are all ideas that, you know, have a listen, 54 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:53,160 keep it in mind. Hopefully you think I'm going to 55 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:56,680 give that a try. But even if you think it's not 56 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:58,840 going to work for me, it doesn't feel quite right. 57 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,920 Hopefully you'll still think about the idea behind it. 58 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:05,400 And even if you don't action anything from it, you can think 59 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,400 about why, why it might be useful and why it might be 60 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:08,920 important. And hopefully there's some use 61 00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:10,400 in that as well. Yeah. 62 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:14,160 And and I think, you know, a reminder that all of our work 63 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:16,960 and all of our support to families is tailored and 64 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,920 bespoke. You know, we speak to families 65 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:22,920 and think what's happening for them in their home and we can, 66 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:25,000 you know, it could be that we don't talk about any of these 67 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:28,120 strategies, but generally what we've found out is these 68 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:32,560 strategies come into our support at some point for families. 69 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:35,400 And there will be somebody out there listening to this and 70 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:38,560 maybe think I can't, I can't get on board with what Matt, I can't 71 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:40,920 get on board with what that that strategy that you've spoken 72 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:42,920 about. But I can really get on board 73 00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:45,400 with this other strategy. And we we anticipate that and 74 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,080 expect that. I think what's important as well 75 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:51,160 is that, you know, everything and all everything we're going 76 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:55,840 to be sharing on the in this series, it's not necessary. 77 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,000 It's not going to do any harm. It's all about it's all 78 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:01,320 relationship building. And that's only a positive 79 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,600 thing. You may see things and we'll 80 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,160 talk about that and what in one of the episodes that we're going 81 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:08,520 to be presenting about, you know, what can happen if 82 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:10,560 actually things do feel different. 83 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,960 My child has noticed something different. 84 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,320 What do I do then? So, and we will we'll sort of 85 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:18,120 address that weren't we want to I think it's Episode 2 when 86 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:19,440 we're thinking about our safety Lanning. 87 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:26,600 OK, so, so that's a little bit about why we're doing it and you 88 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,160 know, some of the things we're going to be covering, but it's 89 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:31,400 going to it's going to look a little bit different from our 90 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,840 other podcasts, right? Yep, Yeah. 91 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:37,120 So, you know, up until now it's been us chatting, hasn't it, And 92 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:38,360 having conversations. Yeah. 93 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,120 What we've decided to do with this, which will look a little 94 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:45,080 bit different, is the beginning of every episode. 95 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:47,880 We'll have a little explanation around what we're doing. 96 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:52,120 You know, this isn't about explaining why this happens, 97 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:56,080 because we've done that. This is about sharing those 98 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:59,440 strategies, how we would share them with a family. 99 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:01,880 So we're doing it separately. So I'm going to be presenting 100 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:06,080 three of them and thinking about 3 strategies and you're going to 101 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:09,880 be presenting three of them and support 3 strategies. 102 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,160 But we're doing them solo. So they won't have that 103 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:15,960 opportunity of a back and forth. And I think that that's going to 104 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,880 be the main difference that people will see. 105 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,800 Yeah, and I think that's hopefully will make it a little 106 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,080 bit more useful because you can follow along. 107 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:25,760 It's not you're not listening to a conversation like you're 108 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,200 saying of us back and forth. You're listening to us giving 109 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:32,200 you a strategy as we would, you know, in a session if, you know, 110 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,800 as we were explaining it to you and and kind of telling you why 111 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:39,080 we're suggesting you do this, what what the background is to 112 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:41,080 it. Is there anything else we've 113 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:44,480 missed, Jane? I think we everything we have, 114 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:48,360 hopefully we can just let's do it, let's go, alright? 115 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:52,720 Let's get into it. So in today's episode we're 116 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,240 going to be looking at the parent child game. 117 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,280 Yes. Do you want to tell us a little 118 00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:58,840 bit more about what what that is? 119 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:00,960 Yep. So episode 5. 120 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,480 How did that happen? My goodness. 121 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,880 So parent child game. So the next two episodes, Matt, 122 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:11,080 are going to be sort of primary age group and secondary age 123 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,080 group. That doesn't mean that you can't 124 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,480 do the parent child gown with secondary age child, but it's 125 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,240 more focused for a primary age child. 126 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:24,160 It was popularised in England by Sue Jenna at the Maudesley and 127 00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:26,320 it's a really lovely piece of work. 128 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:33,560 We know that for children who use aggression or harmful and 129 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:37,440 harmful behaviours in the home, it's more it can be about 130 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,240 control and that's a bit of an unhealthy control. 131 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,880 And what we're trying to do is give a child the idea of healthy 132 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,880 control and the Parent Child Game is about that. 133 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:52,320 It's about how can we hand over healthy control to our child so 134 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:57,520 they can experience that and they feel they no longer have to 135 00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,880 get your attention in an unhealthy way. 136 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:03,480 And so that the parent child game is going to talk a little 137 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:04,840 bit about that. And there's lots of different 138 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,160 ways that we're going to be able to do it. 139 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,960 You know, we're going to explore if your child is 4 and explore 140 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,520 if your child is 14. But just kind of emphasising, 141 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:17,840 again, it's a nice one to do with primary age children, but 142 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,120 we will explore all the ages. Brilliant. 143 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:22,240 Sounds good. Should we do it? 144 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:24,760 Let's go, let's do it. Parent child game. 145 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:28,480 I'm going to talk to us and introduce the parent child game 146 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:31,600 to us today. This is really such a lovely 147 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:35,800 thing to do with your child and we're going to talk today about 148 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:38,200 different ways that we can do it and how we can introduce it. 149 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:41,240 But when your child is using aggression in the home towards 150 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:44,600 you or harmful behaviours, it's often about control. 151 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,480 And there's often it's an unhealthy control. 152 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:52,360 And what we're looking to do and what the Parent Child Game does 153 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,920 is gives your child that control, but in a healthy way. 154 00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:59,440 And that's what we're trying to encourage. 155 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:03,120 That's what we want. And we want your child to seek 156 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:06,000 that out rather than unhealthy control. 157 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,400 And the Parent Child Game does this lovely. 158 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:10,160 And we're going to talk a little bit. 159 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:12,960 I'm going to set up a couple of little ways that we can do this 160 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,320 with you. So there's various things that 161 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:16,920 you can do. So I'm going to try and give you 162 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:19,760 quite a few options and you can think about how you can adapt it 163 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,800 to your own situation. And I'm going to share an 164 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:26,160 anecdote from a parent of where we use this because I think it 165 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:30,640 can be helpful to hear sometimes the reality of putting that into 166 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:34,480 place and what can happen. So parent child game, Listen, 167 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:37,120 this was popularised in the UK by Sue Jenner. 168 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:40,120 So those of you that want to go and find out more about how this 169 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,520 works, you can simply look up the parent child Game by Sue 170 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,960 Jenner and you'll get lots more information around this. 171 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:51,520 But in the most basic instance, what we're going to do is 172 00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:56,120 setting up a bound read 10 or 15 minute play. 173 00:08:57,040 --> 00:09:00,560 Now, as parents, what we often do and, and it's just part of 174 00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:06,320 being a parent is we often give, we teach, we give commands to 175 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:10,800 our children. We say no to our children and we 176 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:15,520 ask them lots of questions. Now, if you were to, you know, 177 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:20,320 be observed, for example, for 10 minutes with your child, there 178 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:26,160 can often be 50 to 60 of these things with your child. 179 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,760 And the parent child game is taking all that away. 180 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,600 So the parent child game is not about asking questions. 181 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,560 And that can be really difficult when you're with your child. 182 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:38,560 I'm not going to ask them any questions, no questions, not 183 00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:40,880 saying no to your child. Again, that can be really 184 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:42,880 difficult. There is a caveat to that. 185 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:46,440 You know, if something really dangerous is about to happen or 186 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:49,320 somebody becomes really unsafe, then obviously you need to say 187 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:52,600 no. But generally, if your child 188 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:56,960 wants to put a sticker on your nose or get a felt tip pen and 189 00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,920 draw a :) on your face, it's not about saying no. 190 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:04,440 And sometimes that can happen because your child does want to 191 00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:05,800 test. Are you really going to let me 192 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:07,680 do this? Are you really going to let me 193 00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:11,200 put stickers on your face? I had one parent who said to me 194 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,880 recently, Jane, I'm sick to death of being a donkey. 195 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:16,640 I don't want to be a donkey anymore. 196 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:19,640 My knees are killing me. Sometimes it's just about going 197 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:21,800 with it. And that's why we have it as a 198 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:26,600 boundary to play for a period of time, so you're not a donkey for 199 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,040 hours on end, which can be really difficult. 200 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:33,880 Commands. We often, you know, we command 201 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:35,920 our children to do things. We don't really think about it. 202 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,760 Command and direction. It's time, it's time. 203 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:41,720 You've got to, you've got to put your pyjamas on. 204 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,600 You've got to put your computer where you've got to come off the 205 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:45,160 computer. You've got to go and clean your 206 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:46,200 teeth. You've got to go to bed, you've 207 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:47,800 got to tidy your bed. You've got to come for dinner. 208 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,080 It's all those commands. We're not going to do that. 209 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,800 Come away from that. And teaching. 210 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,960 Teaching is something that's inherent part of parenting. 211 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,200 Blue pen. If your child turns around 212 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:04,960 saying, look, ma, this is a pink hair brush. 213 00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,920 It's not about you saying, well, that's not really a pink hair 214 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:09,640 brush, is it? That's a blue pen. 215 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,920 If, if your child wants that to be a pink hair brush, it's a 216 00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:17,360 pink hair brush. So it's, it's not falling into 217 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:21,920 those teachers. So no questions, no demands or 218 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:25,000 commands, no nose unless something's really, really 219 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:30,800 unsafe, and no teaching. So those are the four things 220 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:34,560 we're going to, we're going to steer clear of during this play. 221 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,760 And I want you to set up in a very overt way. 222 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:40,240 Now, if you've got a primary age child, setting it up in a really 223 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:45,520 overt way is really helpful by using a rug, a towel, a duvet, 224 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:49,440 sitting on the bed where being at a table, wherever that may 225 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:53,160 be, ideally being on the floor is where you want to be, but if 226 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:55,640 that's uncomfortable, hard for you to do sitting at a table or 227 00:11:55,640 --> 00:12:00,440 sitting on a bed, setting up some toys in that area. 228 00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:05,160 You can put some crayons, some cars, some hair brushes, 229 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:08,040 whatever it is you think your child may like. 230 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:12,480 You can even encourage your child to put what they would 231 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,760 like in there. You can set this up in a really 232 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:17,800 lovely way. Simply say, listen, I want to 233 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:20,280 try this thing tonight. Listen, I'm going to put a towel 234 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:21,560 down. I'm going to put some toys on 235 00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:26,080 there and you are going to decide what we do with that for 236 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:28,440 10 minutes. I'm going to come out of mum 237 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,680 mode or I'm going to come out of dad mode or I'm going to come 238 00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:35,120 out of grandma mode. And you get to decide what we do 239 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:37,520 for 10 minutes. And I can't say no and I can't 240 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:41,320 ask you questions, can't give you, can't tell you what to do. 241 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:43,800 I'm going to try and give that a go. 242 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,760 You up for it. You know, you can do that in a 243 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:49,160 really nice way and invite that to happen and ask your child to 244 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:53,960 collaborate with you. It's hard. 245 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:57,280 You know, I, I generally say to parents about not having devices 246 00:12:57,280 --> 00:13:02,480 around, but I have to say that a parent said to me recently that 247 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:06,400 she thought about the parent child game after I'd spoken to 248 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,680 her. And she really wanted to do this 249 00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:10,920 with a child, but she couldn't figure out a place to do it 250 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,880 because her child wasn't going to sit with her on a rug and her 251 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,960 child wasn't going to bring some toys over to play with. 252 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:19,360 So she really struggled to figure out how to do it. 253 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:22,880 She went on holiday with her child and her child took a 254 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:27,080 Switch, Nintendo Switch, and she bought him a compendium of 255 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:30,080 games. And she said during the holiday, 256 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:34,320 every evening, he spent 20 minutes walking her through the 257 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:37,800 rules of a particular game. And then they played it 258 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:40,280 together. And she had that moment of like, 259 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,960 I'm doing the parent child game. I'm doing what I was asked to 260 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,000 do. I'm not saying, Are you sure 261 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:50,200 this is how we play this? I wasn't trying to try to get my 262 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,440 child to. I wasn't trying to take over 263 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:56,680 what was happening. My child completely had control 264 00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,760 what's happening. And we both loved it. 265 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:02,080 We both sort each other out every night to do this. 266 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:07,960 My child delighted in showing me what he was doing and how he was 267 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,120 playing these games and then show me how to play them so I 268 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,720 could play them with him. And we would spend half an hour 269 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:15,360 every night doing that and it was just lovely. 270 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:19,200 And now we're back home, I'm reminding myself to continue to 271 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:23,080 do that with him because it's so I so enjoyed doing it. 272 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:27,000 It's been so lovely and just connecting with my child in that 273 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:30,680 way has been really helpful. So I used to say no devices, but 274 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:34,000 I'm taking it back. So sometimes devices may be the 275 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,800 way forward and the way to do this. 276 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:39,640 Now it could be that you feel really uncomfortable having 277 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:42,000 these play sessions or doing this in this way. 278 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:47,520 So you could fit into your routine bedtime, you know, as a 279 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:50,920 bedtime routine, getting into bed or lying on bed with your 280 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:53,840 child. Oh, we've got 10 minutes before 281 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:55,720 bed and you can choose what we do. 282 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:59,360 We need to lie in the bed. It's not about getting up and 283 00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:02,200 running around, but you can choose what we do for this 10 284 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:03,680 minutes. We can talk to each other. 285 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:05,760 We can play a little game together. 286 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:08,320 There's lots of lovely little games that you can introduce to 287 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,480 your child at this time. I don't know whether you've ever 288 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:13,360 drawn on somebody's back and tried to figure out what the 289 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:17,360 shape is or what the letter is. Little things like that that you 290 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:21,960 can do together. You can then talk about 291 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:24,800 actually, it's not about you talking, it's about encouraging 292 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:28,280 your child to talk. So it's it's maybe prompting 293 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:32,120 your child with something really simple of what would you like us 294 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:34,120 to do? And maybe it's that one 295 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:37,280 question, what would this is, this is your time, what would 296 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:40,600 you like to do? And simply leaving it like that. 297 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:45,040 Now, if you've got an older child, a teenage child, it could 298 00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:49,440 be that you introduce cooking or art or something in the garden. 299 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:52,040 Hey, listen, you know, we need to build, we need to dig a hole 300 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,840 because I need to plant a tree. Do you want to dig that hole? 301 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:56,760 You give that control to your child. 302 00:15:56,920 --> 00:16:01,400 There are different ways that you can bring this in to your 303 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,560 your regular routine. We it's something that would be 304 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:08,800 really nice to try to do at least three or four times a 305 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,800 week. Sometimes it may feel really 306 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:15,480 impossible, but it's trying to put that 1015 minutes aside 307 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:19,080 where you are reconnecting with your child and building that 308 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:22,560 trust in such a lovely way. I'm just going to share a little 309 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:27,520 anecdote with you because sometimes it's not about trying 310 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,400 lots of different strategies. Sometimes it can be as simple as 311 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,440 trying one strategy. And this worked so well for this 312 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:37,600 one particular family that we worked with and supported. 313 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,120 I just really wanted to share it with you. 314 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:43,200 It was a mum and dad who came to us about, you know, their child 315 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:48,280 and their child was labelled at six years old as being violent, 316 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:52,560 complex and out of control. He was unable to be in 317 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,840 mainstream school. He was unable to have 318 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:58,360 supervision with his mum that was not supervised and he was 319 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,560 violent on a daily basis with his dad. 320 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:04,440 The parents were living separately and dad had full time 321 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:09,319 care of their son. There wasn't any violence in the 322 00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:11,760 relationship. The the relationship was very 323 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:15,960 supportive and collaborative with each other and they were 324 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,000 just at a loss of what to do. Everything they had tried or 325 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:24,920 been told to try up until this point just hadn't made any 326 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,280 difference. So we introduced the parent 327 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,480 child game to them and suggested, I wonder what would 328 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,400 happen if you tried this for 10 minutes with your child and 329 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:39,280 giving it a go, which they did and dad did this and he did it 330 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:44,440 every night for 10 minutes. He did it actually more than 331 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:46,280 once. He ended up doing this part of 332 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:48,760 his bedtime routine. He ended up doing this in the 333 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:51,560 morning on the way to school. The child decided which way they 334 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,680 would go to school. And I asked dad, I said, I want 335 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:58,000 to see, I want you to do this for a month, give this a month, 336 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,000 just this one thing and see how we get on. 337 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:03,360 And in a month, I caught up with mum and dad. 338 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:08,080 And dad was just like, he was shocked at how such a little 339 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:11,560 change in what they were doing would have such a huge impact on 340 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:14,920 their son. And he said, Jane, the violence 341 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:18,840 has pretty much stopped from the from the moment I started doing 342 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,120 this. I'm not getting hit on a daily 343 00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:25,160 basis. It's just I love doing this with 344 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,160 him. I love spending this time with 345 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,520 him. It's just changed how we 346 00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:32,600 communicate and change how we relate to each other. 347 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:37,920 I was like great, they keep doing it and why don't we touch 348 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:40,640 base again in a month from now and see how things going in a 349 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,520 month. Came back later in a month and 350 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:47,960 he was like not only have I seen a change Dane, but the school 351 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:52,640 sending emails to me now saying something's changed with my son, 352 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:57,240 things are different. He is not using aggression at 353 00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:59,640 school. He seems much calmer. 354 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:05,200 Don't know what's changed, but things feel really different for 355 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,600 him and he was just delighted and he said we just have such a 356 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:12,760 great time together. We're so enjoying doing this and 357 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,000 I was like, great, let's not change it. 358 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,160 The other thing I'm going to add to this though, is can we get 359 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,920 mom to do this too on those times when she visit, when 360 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,720 she's, you know, when her son visited, Sir, because I think 361 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:26,960 it's important that mom can experience this with her child 362 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,560 too. And let's touch base in six 363 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,000 weeks. Let's see what's happening where 364 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:35,200 you are in six weeks time. So I caught up with parents six 365 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:38,800 weeks later and both of them were just, they looked 366 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:43,160 different. They looked relaxed, they looked 367 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:51,920 less tired and they had both said that things had just 368 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:56,440 changed hugely since they had started doing just this one 369 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,960 intervention that we had spoken about. 370 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:02,880 The social worker was no longer considering the child being on a 371 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:06,680 child protection plan, but was maintaining the child as a child 372 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,160 in need. Mum said that there was no 373 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:12,800 violence towards her, they they would do this parent child game 374 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,280 together and they would have such a lovely time. 375 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:19,280 And father said the same thing. There was still no violence and 376 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:25,840 the school was still sending reports home that their child's 377 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:29,240 behaviour had changed to the point where they were now 378 00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:32,080 considering the child going back into mainstream school. 379 00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:34,600 Now I'm sharing this with you because I think it's really 380 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:39,120 important for to emphasise that sometimes we don't have to throw 381 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,960 the kitchen sink at changing our relationship with our child. 382 00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:48,120 It's not always changing what we're seeing, but it's giving a 383 00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:52,240 child another opportunity to express what's going on for 384 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:55,080 them. And for this young person, They 385 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:58,560 were able to have a healthy control over what was happening 386 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:01,880 for them in a place where they couldn't control what had 387 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:07,960 happened in an in a place where they were consistently told that 388 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:11,600 the behaviour that they were using was bad at school. 389 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:14,320 They had no control being in a school, in a classroom at six 390 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,640 years old, being in a classroom with other children who were 391 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:20,480 using equally aggressive and challenging behaviour. 392 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:24,720 They had no control about not living with their mum in a in an 393 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:28,360 area where they felt no control. This child was given a healthy 394 00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:32,040 control and absolutely thrived on it. 395 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:36,960 And this gave us the foundation to start expanding this 396 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:41,440 relationship with his child. O This him and his child and mum 397 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,320 could relate in a completely different way. 398 00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:46,440 O there's lots of different ways you can use this. 399 00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:51,480 It's adapting it to meet your needs, whether it's 10 minutes, 400 00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:56,360 15 minutes once a day, once a week or two or three times a day 401 00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:58,360 because you're both getting so much from it. 402 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:01,400 It's about adapting it to what makes you comfortable. 403 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:03,320 It's really important to be boundaried. 404 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:06,280 It's really important to remind yourself, this is what I'm doing 405 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:09,000 for 10 or 15 minutes and then I'm going back to being the 406 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:12,400 parent that may teach you that may say no, that may be asking 407 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,200 you what you want for dinner and throwing questions. 408 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:15,880 You can't do this all day every day. 409 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:21,200 It's about letting it up in very boundary ways and letting your 410 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,080 child know, listen, we're going to do that play today. 411 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,480 Call it what you want. You know, this is your 412 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:26,920 opportunity. What should we call this play? 413 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,800 What should we call this? Should we call this parent child 414 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,040 game or should we call this special play? 415 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,920 Whatever you want to set that up is shall we do that today? 416 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,800 I was really excited. One last thing I want to leave 417 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:43,400 you with, when you do this with your child, they can get very 418 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:49,200 excited about having control. So when the time is up, what can 419 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,960 happen is they can feel really dysregulated because they 420 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:54,480 they're really upset. I don't want this to stop. 421 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:56,720 This isn't OK. I want this to continue. 422 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:02,240 It's really important that you you validate that and validate 423 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,400 what your child is experiencing. We've talked about validation 424 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:08,920 before and how important validation is, but simple 425 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:12,760 phrases or sentences along the lines of, I know we've had so 426 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:15,440 much fun, haven't we? It's so difficult to stop. 427 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:21,360 It's validating that it's really hard for them to stop. 428 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:24,360 I'm so excited to get to do with this, you with you tomorrow. 429 00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:26,560 I'm so excited we can do this later. 430 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:30,560 I'm so excited that maybe we can change it up tomorrow. 431 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:33,920 What should we do tomorrow so you can you validate and 432 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:35,880 thinking about what's going to happen next. 433 00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:38,360 So it's really important to be mindful of that because that can 434 00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:41,880 happen for some children and young people because it's 435 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:44,880 something they're really craving and when you're taking that away 436 00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:48,280 from them, it can feel really hard. 437 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,000 So validation is really important. 438 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:51,720 So listen, that's the parent child game. 439 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:55,120 I hope you find it helpful. Remember, think about the bits 440 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:58,160 that work for you and I hope you find it. 441 00:23:58,160 --> 00:23:59,560 It's a helpful thing to try it home.