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Hello and welcome to the Kappa 
Podcast. 

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My name is Matt. 
I'm the Senior Practitioner for 

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Kappa First Response and I'm 
joined today as ever by our 

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Founder and CEO, Jane Griffiths.
Hi, Jane. 

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Hey Matt, how you doing? 
So lovely to be here with you, 

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with me face. 
To face. 

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I know in your lovely flat 
sunny. 

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It's a rare treat, isn't it? 
Fantastic. 

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It you know what, It is a rare 
treat. 

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Yeah, I think it. 
It's so lovely to be together to

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record this. 
Yeah, I agree. 

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I agree, it already feels a lot 
more real. 

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Yeah. 
Yeah. 

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So this series is going to be 
slightly different to what we've

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done previously, isn't it? 
Do you want to say a little bit 

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about about why we're doing this
series to begin with? 

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Yeah. 
Well, I mean, I guess our 

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previous series that we we've 
thought about, we've sort of 

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been in conversation with or 
we've been zooming and and 

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speaking to particular people 
about particular issues. 

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This one is really designed for 
families who feel a bit more 

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isolated, whether that be via 
location or through 

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circumstances and their 
experience, feel like they're 

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unable to talk to people. 
And we wanted to provide 

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something that families could 
access 24/7 regardless of their 

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locations. 
I also think it's really 

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important to say that East 
Sussex local authority sort of 

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really commissioned us to do 
this because they really wanted 

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to support families living in 
those rural outlying areas who 

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found it really, really 
difficult to get support. 

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And we'll be offering, well, I 
guess if we were to sit, Matt, 

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and think about what would be 
our top five or six strategies, 

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we're sort of aiming to to sort 
of think about those strategies 

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for families, aren't we? 
That's what the series is going 

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to be about. 
Yeah. 

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So it's, it's a little bit more,
it's going to be a little bit, I

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mean, I think hopefully all, all
of our podcasts have been 

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useful, but this is a bit more, 
something a bit more tangible, a

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bit more solid that people can 
use and put into practise. 

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Yeah. 
We're not thinking about, you 

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know, this, these episodes 
aren't for about us 

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understanding what this issue 
is. 

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This is really let's go, what's 
the support that we offer to 

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families and let's share that, 
Yeah. 

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I think you said a minute ago 
that these are like probably 5 

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or six of our top strategies 
that we, we know are useful to 

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quite a few different families 
that we work with. 

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But it's always really important
to say that nothing works all of

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the time. 
And there isn't one thing that 

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is going to work for every 
single family. 

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And if even if it works for that
family, it doesn't mean that 

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it's going to work 100% of the 
time. 

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So it's just important that we 
say that at the at the top, I 

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think to say these are all ideas
that, you know, have a listen, 

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keep it in mind. 
Hopefully you think I'm going to

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give that a try. 
But even if you think it's not 

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going to work for me, it doesn't
feel quite right. 

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Hopefully you'll still think 
about the idea behind it. 

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And even if you don't action 
anything from it, you can think 

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about why, why it might be 
useful and why it might be 

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important. 
And hopefully there's some use 

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in that as well. 
Yeah. 

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And and I think, you know, a 
reminder that all of our work 

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and all of our support to 
families is tailored and 

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bespoke. 
You know, we speak to families 

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and think what's happening for 
them in their home and we can, 

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you know, it could be that we 
don't talk about any of these 

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strategies, but generally what 
we've found out is these 

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strategies come into our support
at some point for families. 

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And there will be somebody out 
there listening to this and 

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maybe think I can't, I can't get
on board with what Matt, I can't

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get on board with what that that
strategy that you've spoken 

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about. 
But I can really get on board 

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with this other strategy. 
And we we anticipate that and 

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expect that. 
I think what's important as well

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is that, you know, everything 
and all everything we're going 

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to be sharing on the in this 
series, it's not necessary. 

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It's not going to do any harm. 
It's all about it's all 

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relationship building. 
And that's only a positive 

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thing. 
You may see things and we'll 

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talk about that and what in one 
of the episodes that we're going

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to be presenting about, you 
know, what can happen if 

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actually things do feel 
different. 

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My child has noticed something 
different. 

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What do I do then? 
So, and we will we'll sort of 

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address that weren't we want to 
I think it's Episode 2 when 

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we're thinking about our safety 
Lanning. 

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OK, so, so that's a little bit 
about why we're doing it and you

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know, some of the things we're 
going to be covering, but it's 

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going to it's going to look a 
little bit different from our 

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other podcasts, right? 
Yep, Yeah. 

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So, you know, up until now it's 
been us chatting, hasn't it, And

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having conversations. 
Yeah. 

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What we've decided to do with 
this, which will look a little 

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bit different, is the beginning 
of every episode. 

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We'll have a little explanation 
around what we're doing. 

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You know, this isn't about 
explaining why this happens, 

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because we've done that. 
This is about sharing those 

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strategies, how we would share 
them with a family. 

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So we're doing it separately. 
So I'm going to be presenting 

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three of them and thinking about
3 strategies and you're going to

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be presenting three of them and 
support 3 strategies. 

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But we're doing them solo. 
So they won't have that 

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opportunity of a back and forth.
And I think that that's going to

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be the main difference that 
people will see. 

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Yeah, and I think that's 
hopefully will make it a little 

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bit more useful because you can 
follow along. 

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It's not you're not listening to
a conversation like you're 

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saying of us back and forth. 
You're listening to us giving 

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you a strategy as we would, you 
know, in a session if, you know,

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as we were explaining it to you 
and and kind of telling you why 

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we're suggesting you do this, 
what what the background is to 

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it. 
Is there anything else we've 

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missed, Jane? 
I think we, I don't think we 

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have. 
Hopefully we can just let's do 

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it. 
Let's go all. 

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Right, let's get into it. 
Bye, Jane. 

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Hey, Matt. 
So today's episode is another 

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kind of duel episode where 
you've got a couple of things 

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we're going to be talking about 
what you're going to be talking 

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about. 
But they're both, again, really 

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closely linked in terms of what 
they're trying to do, if you 

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like. 
So we're talking about invites 

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to spend time and to hold in 
mind texts. 

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Do you want to tell us just very
briefly, what, what are these 

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things? 
What is this about? 

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I think it's probably, you know,
one of the the strategies that 

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does what it says on the tin. 
Yeah. 

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You know, it's holding my text. 
Yeah. 

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And it's an invite to spend 
time. 

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But what does it actually look 
like in reality? 

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You know what, again, I think I 
spoke in episode 5 about, you 

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know, these two strategies being
more for secondary age focus. 

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Again, you know, you can use 
them across the board, but we 

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sort of focus more on secondary 
probably because of the texting 

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aspect that we could. 
We'll talk about, although we're

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saying hold in mind text, how 
else can you use these 

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strategies? 
And it's. 

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All about building relationship 
and rebuilding trust when your 

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relationship with your child has
been really difficult and really

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tricky, sometimes that trust can
disappear or be really wobbly. 

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And these strategies about 
rebuilding that trust without 

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the demands now you would have 
talked about in previous 

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episodes about those demands 
and, and how that can be really,

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really difficult for for 
children and young people. 

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This is about rebuilding trust 
and rebuilding relationship 

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without thinking about those 
demands. 

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So they're really lovely things 
doing. 

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We'll share some anecdotes of 
parents that are fed back to us,

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how it's really supported their 
relationship with their child. 

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Some really lovely anecdotes to 
share in this one. 

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Nice. 
I'm really excited to get going 

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all. 
Right, let's do it. 

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So this episode I am going to be
introducing invites to spend 

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time and hold in mind texts. 
This is all about letting your 

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child know that you are paying 
attention to them again. 

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It's a really lovely way to 
rebuild trust in the 

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relationship with your child. 
Often when a child is using this

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behaviour, that trust can can be
really difficult to maintain. 

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So this is a really lovely way 
to rebuild trust between you 

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both and show your child that 
you are paying attention to 

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them. 
And sometimes when we first 

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introduced this to parents, 
sometimes they can feel they, 

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they may struggle with, with an 
invite or struggle with a hold 

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in mind text or struggle with a 
hold in mind, introducing 

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something that's holding them in
mind. 

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But we're going to talk through 
that a little bit. 

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So what what do we mean by those
things? 

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So let's start with a hold in 
mind, either a text or something

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you're doing with your child to 
introduce the fact that you're 

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holding them in mind. 
So it goes back to not having 

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any expectations, no demands of 
your child. 

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You're not expecting anything 
back from this except simply 

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letting your child know I'm 
holding you in mind. 

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How nice is it to get a text 
from somebody that maybe you 

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haven't heard from for a while? 
Or even your partner or a friend

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or even one of your children 
that just says love you thinking

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about you. 
Hope you're having a nice day. 

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Oh my God, this photo came up on
my Facebook feed today that made

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me think about you. 
How nice is that off that Does 

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that feel? 
So if your child has a phone, 

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you can simply send them a hold 
in my text saying something 

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similar. 
Thank you Navi, I hope you're 

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having a nice day. 
Remember, this isn't about 

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asking questions or figuring out
where they are or trying to find

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out what what's happening for 
them. 

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This is simply a statement. 
Hope you're doing all right. 

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Full stop. 
Thinking about you today. 

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Full stop. 
This photo came up, made me 

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think of you. 
Smile. 

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Could be a photograph you take 
of your day. 

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If your child doesn't have a 
phone, there are lots of other 

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things that you can do. 
You can put a little note on 

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their bed or a little note in 
their lunch box. 

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Love ya. 
A little note on their bed. 

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Hope you had a good day. 
Maybe a little chocolate, a 

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special chocolate in their lunch
box or a special chocolate on 

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there, something, a chocolate 
bar that they really like. 

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It doesn't have to be anything 
that costs money. 

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It can simply be a little note. 
As I say, what's really 

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important about and hold in 
mind, something to introduce 

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holding in mind or hold in mind 
text is don't expect anything. 

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You're not expecting anything 
back. 

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I remember I was working with a 
mum who was trying to reconnect 

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with their child, who actually 
wasn't living with them and they

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just wanted to connect. 
So they sent some texts to their

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child. 
And I remember mum saying to me,

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Jane, I've just, I've probably 
spent about 50 texts this month 

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and I'm not hearing anything 
back. 

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What do I need to do? 
And I just reminded mum that 

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this wasn't about what you're 
getting back. 

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This is about letting your child
know you're holding them in mind

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because once they've read that 
text or seen that know or had 

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that chocolate, they don't 
unknown it. 

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They can't forget it. 
They've opened it. 

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They've spoken about it. 
They've they've seen it, maybe 

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not spoken about it, but they've
seen it. 

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They've read the text. 
They may have eaten the 

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chocolate. 
You can see the chocolate 

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wrapper in the bin. 
You may even find that the note 

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is screwed up in their bin, but 
they have seen it. 

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And that's the important part. 
It's about continuing to do it. 

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It's about creating in your 
child that consistency of that 

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is what you're going to do. 
A parent came to me who had a 

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very, you know, challenging 
communication with their child 

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and their child's, like there 
wasn't any communication 

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happening. 
They would come home from 

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school, they would go upstairs 
to their room. 

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They would often put earbuds in.
They would come down to dinner, 

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eat dinner with their ear pods 
in and disappear again, Really 

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wanted to have nothing to do 
with the parent. 

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And what we introduced was 
getting a little blackboard they

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put on the stairs. 
So when their child came home 

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from school, it simply said, hi,
ya, hope you've had a good day. 

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Something in the kitchen for 
you, a little something in the 

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kitchen for you. 
And she would do that every 

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single day, Monday through 
Friday. 

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And every single day, Monday 
through Friday, the little thing

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that had been left would be 
taken or eaten. 

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So they knew that their child 
was paying attention and seeing 

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what was on the blackboard and 
choose to extend the notes. 

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Little things, they were never 
anything that was a demand, 

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never a question mark. 
It was a simple statement, 

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really lovely thing and powerful
thing to do. 

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And then we introduce invites to
spend time. 

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What do I mean by that? 
Well, it's, you know, changing 

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that text to potentially include
not only the hold in mind, but 

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also then to include. 
Hi, I'm I'm I fancy watching a 

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movie on Friday. 
I haven't seen Top Gun for ages.

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So I'm going to watch Top Gunner
and I fancy a pizza. 

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I'm going to start the movie at 
7:00. 

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I would love it if you joined me
full stop. 

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Or it could be, hey, listen, you
know that that concert of that 

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band we really like. 
I'm going to watch that tonight.

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Do you fancy? 
I would love it if you watched 

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it with me. 
I'm going to start it at 8, full

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stop. 
What's really important about an

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invite to spend time is if you 
say you're going to do it, you 

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must do it. 
So it's not an empty invite. 

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Often what will happen is a 
child will come down at 738 

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o'clock halfway through the 
movie, see that you've. 

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There's maybe a slice of pizza 
left. 

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It's not about stopping the 
movie. 

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Oh, hello. 
Thank you, Val. 

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It's so lovely to see you. 
Oh, look, this is the bit we're 

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up to. 
It's simply acknowledging that 

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they've come into the room. 
Hi. 

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Yeah. 
There's pizza left. 

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And carry on watching the movie.
Often our child will want to 

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come in. 
Are you really doing what you 

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say you're going to do? 
We're trying to be authentic. 

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We're trying to be genuine. 
It could be. 

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Put the kettle on if you fancy a
cuppa. 

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I'm taking the dog for a walk 
around the block. 

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I'm leaving in 5 minutes. 
I'd love it if you joined me, 

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full stop. 
I'm going into town. 

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00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:27,760
I'm going to go grab coffee and 
some lunch but I need a pair. 

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00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:31,200
I need a pair of socks. 
I'd love it if you came to with 

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me, full stop. 
I'm leaving at 12 but leave at 

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12 and go into town and get 
yourself. 

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It's about fulfilling what you 
say you're going to do. 

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So the mum who had left the hold
in mind notes on the chalkboard 

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on the blackboard, she started 
to put some hold invites to 

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spend time and she noticed that 
her child would come down and 

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just check in of what was 
happening and then would sit 

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with her. 
And she put on some music and 

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00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:08,920
some concerts and footage of a 
band that she knew herself and 

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00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:12,160
her child enjoyed. 
And her child would come down 

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00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:16,400
and sit next and watch what was 
happening and started little 

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conversations. 
Now listen, as a parent, if 

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you're with your child and your 
communication can be difficult, 

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the the first, the last thing 
you need to do, even though you 

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00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,440
may be desperate to do it. 
How are you? 

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00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:31,960
How are you doing? 
It's so lovely to see. 

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00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:33,240
I'm so excited to have you down 
here. 

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00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:34,360
How are you doing? 
How's school? 

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00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:37,760
How's your friends? 
Please don't interrogate your 

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00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:39,640
child. 
Bite your tongue. 

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00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,760
Just be with them there in that 
moment. 

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00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:45,640
Talk about what you're doing or 
what you're listening to. 

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00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:47,960
You go for a walk around the 
block with your child. 

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00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,640
Maybe they come and walk the dog
with you. 

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00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:54,760
Don't refrain from asking lots 
of questions as much as you 

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00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,040
really want to because you want 
to find out what's happening for

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00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,280
your child. 
Talk about your day. 

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00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,400
Oh my gosh, this happened to me 
today. 

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00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,600
Oh my God, you should have said,
oh, you know, I walked the dog 

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00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:07,040
the other week. 
And start talking about 

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00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,840
something relating to you 
because that will inevitably 

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00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:13,960
open up conversation between you
and your child. 

311
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:17,280
The moment you start that 
interrogation, How are you? 

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00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,280
How are you doing? 
It's so lovely to talk to you. 

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00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,320
Nobody would want to be part of 
that conversation. 

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00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:27,000
Nobody wants to be interrogated.
This is about rebuilding trust 

315
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,720
and rebuilding relationships. 
And they're really lovely ways 

316
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,720
to go about doing that. 
So couple of key things to 

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00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:40,400
remember, if you're going to, if
you're going to do a hold in 

318
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:45,240
mind text, if you're going to 
put a little note somewhere, do 

319
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:48,600
not be upset if you do not get 
anything back. 

320
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:52,520
If you're expecting something 
back, it's not genuine 

321
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,680
authentically doing it for the 
right reasons. 

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00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:59,600
So you may have 5050 texts that 
you're not responded to. 

323
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:04,200
It could be that one text that 
comes in three months down the 

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00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:07,040
road. 
And in our experience, that is 

325
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:10,040
what has happened. 
So don't be downhearted. 

326
00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:12,720
I know it's difficult. 
I know it can feel really hard. 

327
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,319
Oh, I'm giving, I'm giving, I'm 
giving. 

328
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:18,839
It's about rebuilding trust. 
It's about letting your child 

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00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:21,440
know you're thinking about them.
Even when things are really hard

330
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:24,319
and really difficult, you're 
thinking about them. 

331
00:17:25,079 --> 00:17:26,560
And that can be really, really 
important. 

332
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:30,520
And the invite to spend time, if
you're going to go and do that, 

333
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:32,720
do it. 
If you say you're going to put 

334
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:35,000
the kettle on, have a cup of tea
sacks, put the kettle on, have a

335
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,960
cup of tea. 
If you say you're going to go 

336
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,640
and take the walk dog for a walk
around the rock, go take the dog

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00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:40,040
for a walk around the rock. 
If you're going to say you're 

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00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:43,120
going to sit and watch a movie 
and eat pizza, watch the movie 

339
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:46,160
and eat pizza. 
Because the moment your child 

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00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:49,320
comes down and just cheques 
what's happening, if you're not 

341
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:54,320
doing it, then your child will 
see through what is happening. 

342
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,960
It's about saying this is what 
I'm going to do and I genuinely 

343
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:01,080
would be thrilled if you spent 
some time with me and this is 

344
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:04,520
what I'm doing. 
Anyway, lovely strategies, 

345
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:08,840
invites to spend time, a hold in
mind, introducing something 

346
00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:11,200
that's holding them in mind or a
hold in mind text. 

347
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:16,880
Again, Please remember that. 
If you want any more information

348
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:21,680
about any of our services or any
of our support, please do go to 

349
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:26,200
our website 
kappafirstresponse.org or e-mail

350
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:30,080
us info@caafirstresponse.org.