Hello and welcome to the Kappa Podcast.
My name is Matt. I'm the Senior Practitioner for
Kappa First Response and I'm joined today as ever by our
Founder and CEO, Jane Griffiths. Hi, Jane.
Hey Matt, how you doing? So lovely to be here with you,
with me face. To face.
I know in your lovely flat sunny.
It's a rare treat, isn't it? Fantastic.
It you know what, It is a rare treat.
Yeah, I think it. It's so lovely to be together to
record this. Yeah, I agree.
I agree, it already feels a lot more real.
Yeah. Yeah.
So this series is going to be slightly different to what we've
done previously, isn't it? Do you want to say a little bit
about about why we're doing this series to begin with?
Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess our
previous series that we we've thought about, we've sort of
been in conversation with or we've been zooming and and
speaking to particular people about particular issues.
This one is really designed for families who feel a bit more
isolated, whether that be via location or through
circumstances and their experience, feel like they're
unable to talk to people. And we wanted to provide
something that families could access 24/7 regardless of their
locations. I also think it's really
important to say that East Sussex local authority sort of
really commissioned us to do this because they really wanted
to support families living in those rural outlying areas who
found it really, really difficult to get support.
And we'll be offering, well, I guess if we were to sit, Matt,
and think about what would be our top five or six strategies,
we're sort of aiming to to sort of think about those strategies
for families, aren't we? That's what the series is going
to be about. Yeah.
So it's, it's a little bit more, it's going to be a little bit, I
mean, I think hopefully all, all of our podcasts have been
useful, but this is a bit more, something a bit more tangible, a
bit more solid that people can use and put into practise.
Yeah. We're not thinking about, you
know, this, these episodes aren't for about us
understanding what this issue is.
This is really let's go, what's the support that we offer to
families and let's share that, Yeah.
I think you said a minute ago that these are like probably 5
or six of our top strategies that we, we know are useful to
quite a few different families that we work with.
But it's always really important to say that nothing works all of
the time. And there isn't one thing that
is going to work for every single family.
And if even if it works for that family, it doesn't mean that
it's going to work 100% of the time.
So it's just important that we say that at the at the top, I
think to say these are all ideas that, you know, have a listen,
keep it in mind. Hopefully you think I'm going to
give that a try. But even if you think it's not
going to work for me, it doesn't feel quite right.
Hopefully you'll still think about the idea behind it.
And even if you don't action anything from it, you can think
about why, why it might be useful and why it might be
important. And hopefully there's some use
in that as well. Yeah.
And and I think, you know, a reminder that all of our work
and all of our support to families is tailored and
bespoke. You know, we speak to families
and think what's happening for them in their home and we can,
you know, it could be that we don't talk about any of these
strategies, but generally what we've found out is these
strategies come into our support at some point for families.
And there will be somebody out there listening to this and
maybe think I can't, I can't get on board with what Matt, I can't
get on board with what that that strategy that you've spoken
about. But I can really get on board
with this other strategy. And we we anticipate that and
expect that. I think what's important as well
is that, you know, everything and all everything we're going
to be sharing on the in this series, it's not necessary.
It's not going to do any harm. It's all about it's all
relationship building. And that's only a positive
thing. You may see things and we'll
talk about that and what in one of the episodes that we're going
to be presenting about, you know, what can happen if
actually things do feel different.
My child has noticed something different.
What do I do then? So, and we will we'll sort of
address that weren't we want to I think it's Episode 2 when
we're thinking about our safety Lanning.
OK, so, so that's a little bit about why we're doing it and you
know, some of the things we're going to be covering, but it's
going to it's going to look a little bit different from our
other podcasts, right? Yep, Yeah.
So, you know, up until now it's been us chatting, hasn't it, And
having conversations. Yeah.
What we've decided to do with this, which will look a little
bit different, is the beginning of every episode.
We'll have a little explanation around what we're doing.
You know, this isn't about explaining why this happens,
because we've done that. This is about sharing those
strategies, how we would share them with a family.
So we're doing it separately. So I'm going to be presenting
three of them and thinking about 3 strategies and you're going to
be presenting three of them and support 3 strategies.
But we're doing them solo. So they won't have that
opportunity of a back and forth. And I think that that's going to
be the main difference that people will see.
Yeah, and I think that's hopefully will make it a little
bit more useful because you can follow along.
It's not you're not listening to a conversation like you're
saying of us back and forth. You're listening to us giving
you a strategy as we would, you know, in a session if, you know,
as we were explaining it to you and and kind of telling you why
we're suggesting you do this, what what the background is to
it. Is there anything else we've
missed, Jane? I think we, I don't think we
have. Hopefully we can just let's do
it. Let's go all.
Right, let's get into it. Bye, Jane.
Hey, Matt. So today's episode is another
kind of duel episode where you've got a couple of things
we're going to be talking about what you're going to be talking
about. But they're both, again, really
closely linked in terms of what they're trying to do, if you
like. So we're talking about invites
to spend time and to hold in mind texts.
Do you want to tell us just very briefly, what, what are these
things? What is this about?
I think it's probably, you know, one of the the strategies that
does what it says on the tin. Yeah.
You know, it's holding my text. Yeah.
And it's an invite to spend time.
But what does it actually look like in reality?
You know what, again, I think I spoke in episode 5 about, you
know, these two strategies being more for secondary age focus.
Again, you know, you can use them across the board, but we
sort of focus more on secondary probably because of the texting
aspect that we could. We'll talk about, although we're
saying hold in mind text, how else can you use these
strategies? And it's.
All about building relationship and rebuilding trust when your
relationship with your child has been really difficult and really
tricky, sometimes that trust can disappear or be really wobbly.
And these strategies about rebuilding that trust without
the demands now you would have talked about in previous
episodes about those demands and, and how that can be really,
really difficult for for children and young people.
This is about rebuilding trust and rebuilding relationship
without thinking about those demands.
So they're really lovely things doing.
We'll share some anecdotes of parents that are fed back to us,
how it's really supported their relationship with their child.
Some really lovely anecdotes to share in this one.
Nice. I'm really excited to get going
all. Right, let's do it.
So this episode I am going to be introducing invites to spend
time and hold in mind texts. This is all about letting your
child know that you are paying attention to them again.
It's a really lovely way to rebuild trust in the
relationship with your child. Often when a child is using this
behaviour, that trust can can be really difficult to maintain.
So this is a really lovely way to rebuild trust between you
both and show your child that you are paying attention to
them. And sometimes when we first
introduced this to parents, sometimes they can feel they,
they may struggle with, with an invite or struggle with a hold
in mind text or struggle with a hold in mind, introducing
something that's holding them in mind.
But we're going to talk through that a little bit.
So what what do we mean by those things?
So let's start with a hold in mind, either a text or something
you're doing with your child to introduce the fact that you're
holding them in mind. So it goes back to not having
any expectations, no demands of your child.
You're not expecting anything back from this except simply
letting your child know I'm holding you in mind.
How nice is it to get a text from somebody that maybe you
haven't heard from for a while? Or even your partner or a friend
or even one of your children that just says love you thinking
about you. Hope you're having a nice day.
Oh my God, this photo came up on my Facebook feed today that made
me think about you. How nice is that off that Does
that feel? So if your child has a phone,
you can simply send them a hold in my text saying something
similar. Thank you Navi, I hope you're
having a nice day. Remember, this isn't about
asking questions or figuring out where they are or trying to find
out what what's happening for them.
This is simply a statement. Hope you're doing all right.
Full stop. Thinking about you today.
Full stop. This photo came up, made me
think of you. Smile.
Could be a photograph you take of your day.
If your child doesn't have a phone, there are lots of other
things that you can do. You can put a little note on
their bed or a little note in their lunch box.
Love ya. A little note on their bed.
Hope you had a good day. Maybe a little chocolate, a
special chocolate in their lunch box or a special chocolate on
there, something, a chocolate bar that they really like.
It doesn't have to be anything that costs money.
It can simply be a little note. As I say, what's really
important about and hold in mind, something to introduce
holding in mind or hold in mind text is don't expect anything.
You're not expecting anything back.
I remember I was working with a mum who was trying to reconnect
with their child, who actually wasn't living with them and they
just wanted to connect. So they sent some texts to their
child. And I remember mum saying to me,
Jane, I've just, I've probably spent about 50 texts this month
and I'm not hearing anything back.
What do I need to do? And I just reminded mum that
this wasn't about what you're getting back.
This is about letting your child know you're holding them in mind
because once they've read that text or seen that know or had
that chocolate, they don't unknown it.
They can't forget it. They've opened it.
They've spoken about it. They've they've seen it, maybe
not spoken about it, but they've seen it.
They've read the text. They may have eaten the
chocolate. You can see the chocolate
wrapper in the bin. You may even find that the note
is screwed up in their bin, but they have seen it.
And that's the important part. It's about continuing to do it.
It's about creating in your child that consistency of that
is what you're going to do. A parent came to me who had a
very, you know, challenging communication with their child
and their child's, like there wasn't any communication
happening. They would come home from
school, they would go upstairs to their room.
They would often put earbuds in. They would come down to dinner,
eat dinner with their ear pods in and disappear again, Really
wanted to have nothing to do with the parent.
And what we introduced was getting a little blackboard they
put on the stairs. So when their child came home
from school, it simply said, hi, ya, hope you've had a good day.
Something in the kitchen for you, a little something in the
kitchen for you. And she would do that every
single day, Monday through Friday.
And every single day, Monday through Friday, the little thing
that had been left would be taken or eaten.
So they knew that their child was paying attention and seeing
what was on the blackboard and choose to extend the notes.
Little things, they were never anything that was a demand,
never a question mark. It was a simple statement,
really lovely thing and powerful thing to do.
And then we introduce invites to spend time.
What do I mean by that? Well, it's, you know, changing
that text to potentially include not only the hold in mind, but
also then to include. Hi, I'm I'm I fancy watching a
movie on Friday. I haven't seen Top Gun for ages.
So I'm going to watch Top Gunner and I fancy a pizza.
I'm going to start the movie at 7:00.
I would love it if you joined me full stop.
Or it could be, hey, listen, you know that that concert of that
band we really like. I'm going to watch that tonight.
Do you fancy? I would love it if you watched
it with me. I'm going to start it at 8, full
stop. What's really important about an
invite to spend time is if you say you're going to do it, you
must do it. So it's not an empty invite.
Often what will happen is a child will come down at 738
o'clock halfway through the movie, see that you've.
There's maybe a slice of pizza left.
It's not about stopping the movie.
Oh, hello. Thank you, Val.
It's so lovely to see you. Oh, look, this is the bit we're
up to. It's simply acknowledging that
they've come into the room. Hi.
Yeah. There's pizza left.
And carry on watching the movie. Often our child will want to
come in. Are you really doing what you
say you're going to do? We're trying to be authentic.
We're trying to be genuine. It could be.
Put the kettle on if you fancy a cuppa.
I'm taking the dog for a walk around the block.
I'm leaving in 5 minutes. I'd love it if you joined me,
full stop. I'm going into town.
I'm going to go grab coffee and some lunch but I need a pair.
I need a pair of socks. I'd love it if you came to with
me, full stop. I'm leaving at 12 but leave at
12 and go into town and get yourself.
It's about fulfilling what you say you're going to do.
So the mum who had left the hold in mind notes on the chalkboard
on the blackboard, she started to put some hold invites to
spend time and she noticed that her child would come down and
just check in of what was happening and then would sit
with her. And she put on some music and
some concerts and footage of a band that she knew herself and
her child enjoyed. And her child would come down
and sit next and watch what was happening and started little
conversations. Now listen, as a parent, if
you're with your child and your communication can be difficult,
the the first, the last thing you need to do, even though you
may be desperate to do it. How are you?
How are you doing? It's so lovely to see.
I'm so excited to have you down here.
How are you doing? How's school?
How's your friends? Please don't interrogate your
child. Bite your tongue.
Just be with them there in that moment.
Talk about what you're doing or what you're listening to.
You go for a walk around the block with your child.
Maybe they come and walk the dog with you.
Don't refrain from asking lots of questions as much as you
really want to because you want to find out what's happening for
your child. Talk about your day.
Oh my gosh, this happened to me today.
Oh my God, you should have said, oh, you know, I walked the dog
the other week. And start talking about
something relating to you because that will inevitably
open up conversation between you and your child.
The moment you start that interrogation, How are you?
How are you doing? It's so lovely to talk to you.
Nobody would want to be part of that conversation.
Nobody wants to be interrogated. This is about rebuilding trust
and rebuilding relationships. And they're really lovely ways
to go about doing that. So couple of key things to
remember, if you're going to, if you're going to do a hold in
mind text, if you're going to put a little note somewhere, do
not be upset if you do not get anything back.
If you're expecting something back, it's not genuine
authentically doing it for the right reasons.
So you may have 5050 texts that you're not responded to.
It could be that one text that comes in three months down the
road. And in our experience, that is
what has happened. So don't be downhearted.
I know it's difficult. I know it can feel really hard.
Oh, I'm giving, I'm giving, I'm giving.
It's about rebuilding trust. It's about letting your child
know you're thinking about them. Even when things are really hard
and really difficult, you're thinking about them.
And that can be really, really important.
And the invite to spend time, if you're going to go and do that,
do it. If you say you're going to put
the kettle on, have a cup of tea sacks, put the kettle on, have a
cup of tea. If you say you're going to go
and take the walk dog for a walk around the rock, go take the dog
for a walk around the rock. If you're going to say you're
going to sit and watch a movie and eat pizza, watch the movie
and eat pizza. Because the moment your child
comes down and just cheques what's happening, if you're not
doing it, then your child will see through what is happening.
It's about saying this is what I'm going to do and I genuinely
would be thrilled if you spent some time with me and this is
what I'm doing. Anyway, lovely strategies,
invites to spend time, a hold in mind, introducing something
that's holding them in mind or a hold in mind text.
Again, Please remember that. If you want any more information
about any of our services or any of our support, please do go to
our website kappafirstresponse.org or e-mail
us info@caafirstresponse.org.