The one thing that changed everything for me, and not so
long ago either, we're going to talk about a subject today
called control and how many many men, including myself, I'm a
fucking pro at control or trying to control anyway.
And there's a concept we're going to talk about today that's
going to help you let go of that.
Welcome to the Awaken Man podcast to join me, Pete Taylor
and my Co host Benjamin Owen. Welcome to the show, Ben.
Good to see you. I'm letting go of control, Pete.
Yeah. Used to be me that did the
intro. Here's the control.
Pete's even got the controls of pressing the record right.
So yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm surrendering there, man.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely do that. This was a concept that was, do
you know what? Someone tried giving this to me
a good few years ago and I wasn't ready for it.
I was like, Nah, I'm not, I'm not ready to listen to that.
I'm ready to hear that. I'm not into that woo woo
concept. Shit sounds a bit soft, sounds a
bit weak to me. It's well and truly when I was
embodying the warrior pretty, pretty fucking hard, right?
And I'm good at embodying the warrior pretty fucking hard.
And so I was like, Nah, not for me.
And I was reintroduced to the concept not so long ago, and I
was just ready. I was ready at the time.
There was so much internal chaos for me.
I was so fucking tight in my shoulders, tight in my jaw,
tight in my pelvis, tight everywhere.
There's so much chaos. I was just trying to control
everything, including the weather, right?
Including what people think about me.
And in doing so it it caused the the the challenge of well that
didn't go my way and now I'm fucking pissed off.
Yeah, and it's really interesting is like when the
when the student is ready, the teacher will appear, whether the
student's a book or a teacher. And like you're actually talking
a lot about a lot of the work that Byron Katie did does.
And it's kind of this like idea of, of just stress is a
barometer for how far we're refusing the reality.
And it's like controlling a reality is like we've got 3
buckets. What we have control over, which
is our attitude, what we've got influence over maybe some things
in our life, but they're more we've got no control over.
And I think I went through very that started that process when I
was like 30 and I was like, Oh my God, I was trying to control
so many things in that. So actually, when we before we
you started press go on the podcast, Pete said, you're
actually pretty good at this. And I was like, yeah, I had my
come to Jesus moment when I was 30.
I think that was that was, you know, what you're sharing there.
No one ever recommended this book though, you know, it was it
was actually Byron Katie's book, which is loving.
What is that? That was recommended to me.
And this is something as you're listening, guys, we were talking
about this because this this is this is the first podcast Pete's
like, have you haven't you read that book, Ben?
And he was like, the winner, winner Pete's read this book.
You never forget someone saying, read this book at the right
time. And we talked about this after
we did the last podcast. And like, sometimes you're just
not ready. You're just not ready to hear
that. And I think this is what an
awakening it is for a lot of guys is like, OK, I'm ready to
hear this now. And I mentioned a close person
in my life and I've told him to read a, a different book many,
many, many times because he's a he struggles with it.
The state, the thing that the book covers.
Anyway, what often happens to the guys is something goes, they
get to this point where they can no longer hang on to their old
ways of doing things and they have to surrender and like, say,
I've got to do things differently.
And I think this is quite pertinent, you know, in, in what
we're talking about. And I think what part of letting
go of control as we wade through the podcast today is since I'm
saying like, oh, the way that I'm doing things is causing me,
like Pete said, so much internal chaos.
I'm I'm hurting. I'm looking forward to this.
Yeah, the, the, we're going to talk through 10 steps of letting
go of control. And honestly, like I've seen
this in myself. I see this in lots of guys.
You could be having the best week, everything.
There could be so many things going right for you.
There's new clients coming in. You're having amazing sex with
your missus. You're, you know, you're having,
you're having fun, you're having time off.
There's freedom there. You can be having the best
things going for you. Yet it rains and you didn't
expect it to rain or just like a client makes the decision you
didn't expect them to make or and that's it.
And then it's just like fucking complete chaos because there's
this still underlying. Well, I was, I was expecting it
to go one way. It didn't.
Now I'm fucking fuming about it. Then it can ruin the best of
weeks because of that need just to control everything and
control and essentially control the people that are in your
lives. So and just just before we start
actually, I I can honestly say, you know, I was fucking just
walking back from the gym earlier and I was thinking about
this and I knew we were going to do this podcast.
And I'm like, fuck, my internal state has changed so much by
embodying this, not just listening to it and go, yeah,
great, great listen, great book, great read.
What? Whatever.
But actually practicing embodying this, every time I
feel certain resistance come up or, or, or parts of my life
where I used to turn controlled go, ha, let me just let go of
that. My internal state feels very
peaceful, extremely peaceful. And that's the first time in my
life I can probably say that, yeah, I know it's like this is
this has been profound for me embodying this.
So I hope you guys listening can, can take some insights from
this and, and, and actually take into action and practice it.
So 10 steps. Step number one is actually just
recognising the resistance when it comes up.
Just that like the awareness when something comes up in your
life that triggers you, that agitates you, the pisses you
off, that gives you anxiety, that causes the internal state
in your stomach or in your chest to start just feeling fucking
differently. And, and is that an area where
you had an expectation on one thing happening and then it
didn't? Life's thrown you a fucking
different course. And rather than accepting that
course, it's like, fuck no, fuck that.
I want the thing that I wanted. I had this expectation, I want
this fucking route, and it's just recognising those moments.
This is step number one is to be able to identify the inner
conflict. Yeah, I think for me, the way
this comes up is like, I'll notice the heightened level of
emotion and I used to get, I used to just like dive into it.
I dive into my story. For example, someone did
something in a certain way that I didn't agree with and I would
be like, I would have this like massive internal conflict and
I'd be playing it over my head and like winding myself up, get
myself more pissed off. And now I think what I do now,
and this is, it's really interesting you're talking.
I was like, I think what I've got the ability to do now I step
back and get curious, like why? Why am I so pissed off about
this? Why am I why?
Like, what is it that's good? What about this situation is
really getting me to feel quite viscerally like agitated or my
heart rate goes up, whatever. And like really like getting
curious. And I think like, you know,
recognizing a resistance is also get curious around it.
And and I can actually, you know, I think Pete, you can, you
can probably speak to this as well.
Is that as you've shown up powerfully online, I think that
you, you probably get a lot of guys get in a resistance like
while watching you. And the reason I think this is
because you show up confidently and powerfully and they probably
think he's a show off. And then what?
That's probably their own inner resistance of saying don't show
off, don't stand out, don't be arrogant, don't be confident,
all those things. And I think that's the like,
that's what goes on for them and they can't recognise that, but
they just project onto you, for example.
Yeah, for sure. And I'm, you know, I'm just
saying it like plainly because like, and that that's kind of a
distance because. Yeah, I get that from God, and I
have feedback from that from guys like, you know what?
When I first started watching you, you fucking triggered me.
You're so blunt. Yeah, but that's the resistance.
That's their resistance. But they don't, they don't
recognise it as in a resistance. They recognise it as judgement
of you. So I think there's a really,
really key part to recognise in a resistance is that you
normally experience it in a judgement of somebody else.
So like you're in a resistance to show up, show off, be
confident, be a bit arrogant, be a bit edgy will normally show up
when you look at somebody else and they piss you off just to
kind of make sure you understand that that's so important because
it doesn't normally come up in a vacuum.
It doesn't come up day-to-day. It's normally in it in relation.
That's why coaching is relational.
You explore that in in coaching. It's like, oh, that's curious.
What about that is pissing you off?
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, there's.
I have an example here. I was in Dubai probably sick
maybe five months ago and my ex partner was there as well with a
bit of a Co parenting holiday. And we had, we were just
exchanging Leo in a, in a hotel and then we had like a 10 minute
conversation whilst whilst was sat there And she, I can't even
remember what it's about now, but she said something fucking
infuriated me and it, and it really, really pissed me off.
And I just, I got so agitated my hands were sweaty.
I just, I, I actually kind of froze.
I didn't fight, I didn't fucking run off.
I, I was like, I kind of froze where she'd agitated me.
And she, she didn't even, she wasn't even aware.
And so she's gone off and she's gone and done her own thing.
And I have sat there for probably 10 to 15 minutes
calming down and just going Pete just just, he just stayed here.
Just calm down. I wasn't really practising what
we're talking about now. And she'd come back 1015 minutes
later because this I was in the hotel that she was staying at.
So she, and she was like, oh, you're still here.
She was like, why are you still here?
And there was two things in that moment I realised that she
didn't know that she pissed me off and she'd left and wasn't
even a thinking about it. And there's me sat there for 15
minutes being pissed off about something that she has no idea
about. I remember.
This now, Yeah. Yeah, she's just getting on with
her life. Yeah.
And but but I can now I can look back at that and go, ha, that
was some real like that was in internal conflict there.
And I had AI had a choice in that moment to recognize that.
Let it let it go and then just move on in a, in a in a minute
or let that internal conflict ruminate and you know, for the
rest of the day which it did. Yeah, there was a question that
we had on a scorecard once. I don't know if you use it now.
It's like I hang on to anger way longer than than is necessary.
And this is kind of what you'll experience guys as you get as
you it's like, is that in Buddhism they call it, I think
it's called the throwing of the second door.
It's like pain is pain is inevitable.
Suffering is optional. And you have the painful moment
and like, you know, he's described his moment now with,
with his, with his ex partner. Like you have, you know, those
altercations with clients or people in your life and they're
painful. You cannot escape that.
That's that's inevitable. Suffering is where you hold that
for a long period of time. And that is what we're talking
about now is like the the the second part of this is
committing the to surrender is actually saying, oh, do you know
what? I'm not going to carry this for
the rest of the day. Do you know what?
There's actually a statement
that I come to. It's like you do you.
I know it sounds really like inconsequential and you might
have heard it before. It's like, yeah, oh man, you do
you. I'm like good for you, good for
you. Like you want to do it like
that? Good for you.
Like I'm not going to impose my my way of doing things about you
do you. And that actually has helped me
a lot with a lot of things like, yeah, UK, you do you.
Yeah, and so, so this is step #2 right?
Commit, commit to surrender, right lads?
Would you mind clicking subscribe on whatever platform?
Listening on it helps. Appreciate you.
Back to the episode. Yeah, yeah, that's and it says
here like, you know, trust that life will unfold as it should,
even if it does not align with your personal preferences.
And it's like, that is a big lesson is like even if it
doesn't align with your personal preferences, like, Oh yeah, it
shouldn't be happening. Oh, this shouldn't be happening.
Like it is happening and this is what's going to happen.
You're like, ah, right. It's like, I think when Mike got
divorced, it's like, I think for the first six months I was like,
this shouldn't be happening. I was, I mean, we talked about
on last podcast like I'm a great partner, you know, this
shouldn't be happening. I shouldn't be, she shouldn't be
divorcing me. I'm great.
And like, but that was that was not aligning my personal
preferences at the time. But looking back now, is it?
It was absolutely the best thing that could ever have happened to
get me to where I am today. Yeah, they there you go.
And and and the same with me, you know, I look back at the
things that have happened in my life, business breakdown,
marriage breakdown. I'm like, fucking they were, you
know, they were fucking painful and they weren't the route I
thought was meant to happen. They weren't even my pathway.
But now I'm like, fuck, you know, I have had so much growth
from going through those, those events.
I've had so much growth and it's put me onto a better path.
And it is, it's, it's trusting the life has the path for you as
long as you're open to it. And then you can, you can you
keep following it like it has the path for you and it's and
it's, and that's the thing. This is this is the the nuance
here is being committed, not interested.
Oh yeah, do you know what? I'm I'm just interested in
playing this game of surrendering, letting go and not
being control freak. I'm just if you're just
interested in it, this fucking won't work.
Interested is very I'd say it's non committal in being
interested is short term, right. Being interested doesn't
normally require sacrifice and perseverance and consistency,
whereas commitment absolutely does.
You commit to doing something, you become a very powerful man,
a man that that does what he says he's going to do.
He commits to something. You know that.
And that that that will absolutely require sacrifice and
consistency in this. There's a real really like left
field example of this right when I used to do presenting.
So I've I've been presenting to people since I was like 23 years
old. I was never a good presenter
when I first started a really, really nervous.
I still am nervous when I present to big groups get caught
in mouth. So what I used to do is I used
to control everything with the PowerPoint.
I used to have all my information on the PowerPoint
and then after about say 5-6 years of doing like I'd spend a
fucking day perfecting this pod, this PowerPoint, like, Oh my
God. Like if I consulted for a day in
a, in a business, I'd spend 2 days prepping.
So I, I'd like, I was like, yeah, I've got this fee for a
day. I think it's like a grand.
I was like, oh, you know, at the time that was a lot for me.
And I was like, Bennett, it's a three day fee.
And I was like, anyway, and I'd obsess about controlling what
was in the PowerPoint. And then what I would then do is
I'd go into these businesses and I would push in all the things
that I wanted to tell them. And I thought it was good at the
time people got, you know, they, they found it helpful or maybe a
little bit information high, you know, heavy, they got value, but
they didn't do anything afterwards.
And, and what I did, especially this is like, but especially
when I turned 30, went through this whole experience is like I
would on the back of a, you know, piece of paper, write 4
things that I wanted to cover and then allow the material in
the room to, to create the session.
And I remember I was working with a caravan park team and I,
and I did this session with him and I went in and the power in
the session was night and day. And there's something that it
says here is like, like trust that life will unfold as it
should. And Michael Neal, one of the
most famous coaches, says this. He says that what you've got to
learn to trust is the right information will show up at the
right time because it always does and it always has.
And I'm like, holy fuck, it really does.
It really, really, really does. And I didn't realize that, you
know why? Because I put so much control
into it, didn't allow it to come up.
And it was really that was when I became more masterful as a
coach because I just, I trusted that all the material that had
to come up in the session did. And like, you know, Pete can say
you talk about the way command retreat is that a lot of the the
material that you dealt with was not a script.
It wasn't a PowerPoint. It was wasn't controlled.
It was like what came up in the thing and the guys were walking
away from that retreat going. This was mind blowing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like, yeah, the the last
retreat we did, I fucking lost the schedule.
I don't, I've handwritten it and it came out my pocket when I
went out for to grab a coffee. I think we talked a lot, yeah.
Lost the fucking schedule but and, and, but this was a this
was this is a prime opportunity of where I, and this leads us on
to step #3 I had to practice acceptance the the schedule.
I dropped out my pocket for the whole fucking two days and I
just go, well, it's, it's done now just accept that that's
done. I can't remember what's on it
and actually just treat this as like this is this is a gift now
go with the flow and and that's what I did And and the weekend
couldn't have gone any better. That retreat couldn't have gone
any better because it was just life's going to give me the
answers and I've got a trust in myself that I have the answers
and absolutely when. Yeah, so on the, the, the 1st,
the 1st away command retreat in Crete, I, I went through Tel
Aviv two weeks before it became a war zone.
Anyway, so I flew back from Awakenman to Dubai via Tel Aviv
and I, I missed the flight because I did not because my own
fault is just there was no time to connect between one of the
two. It was just a really poor thingy
flight. Anyway, got to Tel Aviv, found
out that I wouldn't be able to go to the flight to Dubai until
the following day about 3:00. This was like one in the morning
and I was like, right, OK, I'll go and get a taxi.
When felt felt a bit uneasy because I didn't know how
dangerous Tel Aviv was. What a taxi rank?
Can I get a local hotel? Yeah, I'll take you to.
Anyway, speaking to this guy and the really lovely guy father
talking about, you know, being a father really got on well with
him and and I I got his card. I think I got his card because I
just out of interest, got his card and did I get his card?
No, I didn't get his card. This is what makes it even more
amazing. Got to the hotel, I got out, got
my just literally got out. As I got out, he drove off.
So in the in my bag had had three grams plus worth of camera
equipment, had all my clothes, my running clothes, everything,
my nice clothes, probably about 5 grams worth of stuff had just
driven off. I had like literally 22 seconds,
maybe 10 seconds. I was like, holy shit, my, my
passport, everything. And I was like, Oh my God,
because he thought I didn't have any except for me.
He didn't see me sling it in the car.
He drove off onto the freeway, which is literally just next to
the thing he'd gone. And I was like, right then here
it is. Here's your moment.
Anyway, I walked up the stairs, told the the people in the
hotel, I had my phone on me and they said, yeah, I got, you
know, just I felt felt really sorry for myself.
Anyway, they gave me a got me a room.
The phone goes in the middle of the night, like 3:00 in the
morning. This crazy Tel Aviv Israeli and
taxi driver going, hey, buddy, I've got your bags.
I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in. I can't remember like a part of
Israel and he's like an hour, I'm an hour away, but I'm at
home. And I was like, dude, if you
bring them back, I will give you an exorbitant amount of money.
Just bring them back. And he's like, I'll be there,
give me an hour. This guy brings me back this.
And I honestly, he found the number of the hotel, rang the
hotel, hotel rings my room. I'd fully let go of any ever
seen my bags ever again. And he bought them back and I
gave him £100. I was so grateful.
But do you know what I was really proud of that moment you
talked about? I didn't.
I just fully let go of ever, ever seen any of that kid again.
I was like, yeah, it's gone. I was gone.
I accept it. Yeah, that was the moment, The
moment. So I like let go of.
I really accepted the situation and I think this is what guys do
is that they try and fight against that emotionally.
I'm like, Oh my God, this shouldn't be happening.
I'm like, yeah, I'm like, they get that's why they die.
They get so angry and frustrated and, and they're actually like,
yeah, this is it. This is this is what's going on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, another another example
here is actually come on home on the flight from Santorini from
your wedding back to England who are flying EasyJet.
And I haven't flown EasyJet in years because I'm now a snob and
a. Plain Diva.
I am now a plain diva and fucking there was just so many
people. So and I and I booked priority
boarding. But apparently if you, if you
buy any, any form of luggage on EasyJet, you get priority
boarding. So everyone had fucking priority
boarding and, and I'd with my son who's, you know, he's three,
he wants to get on the plane. Normally they let me on the
plane early because I have a three-year old.
Nope. And that I it was, I know, I
know this is a minor, but they're like it.
It got like I got agitated. I could feel it internally.
I was like, fucking I'm pissed off.
Why? You know, this is not like
Emirates third world problems in but I was I was agitated.
But but it's like, is this anything that comes up?
And I was like, Pete, just fucking accept it, mate, Accept
it. This is not something to get
agitated over. Just accept the situation.
As soon as I accepted it, I was like, fair enough, right, move
on. Well, let me know what's.
Going on, have you seen that thing?
He's like, there's a comedian that talks about it's like you
are like a couple of miles or a mile up in a in a thing like,
and he talks about the the miracle of flying.
He goes, you've got no right to be pissed off about like
anything like your dinner not being shown up on time or the
the food being called like, dude, you're experiencing a
miracle. And I was like, that's, that's
good. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
But it's just and it you know, it's the same.
You're driving in the car, someone fucking pisses you off
and then you get agitated and you and you shout and you swear
you fucking cut me up and and it and it and it pisses the shit
out of you. It's the same.
It's like, dude, hey, I used to be this man.
I'm not, not anymore. But it's like we're driving a
driving a car that's like a that's fucking, it's a
privilege. But if you're allowing other
people's reactions to them damaged and then and then hit
you and it pisses you off for the whole of your car journey or
pisses you off for the rest of the day, that's on you.
And it's only and it's only you that fucking feels all that
distraught. Just accept it and let it go.
Yeah, there's there's a part of this like high point where I'm
like letting go of control. So guy in in awake man Danny and
like when I first met Danny, he, he would talk about how he, he
accepted guidance from spirit. And I like for me, that was so
far removed from who I was as a person.
Like me and Pete talked about this idea of faith and like
something I want to learn more about and I have a coaching
around it. And it's like allowing life to
lead you and, and a a force greater than the ego to lead and
that, and that's what you know, and in tools work, they call it
the ego. Like you are ego driven.
It's like the you use the power of the will.
And like what that means is that you will things into existence
and your ego is like, and it's actually Phil.
So let's talk about it's trust in faith.
So here it's saying allow your life to lead you rather than you
trying to dictate it's course. But actually what I know and
understand that ours is allowing faith to dictate as well as like
trusting a natural wisdom, intuitive inner wisdom and is on
the next point here it says like.
Follow step #5. Yeah, follow intuitive guidance
and it's weird and and I and I need to stop staying that as
well. Is that that there is divine
timing And, and that's what it's like a certain person, certain
books, certain time, and it's there's divine timing to certain
things just land in your lap and you're like, Oh my God, like
that's, that's unreal. Guys, I've got a fucking say.
Like when you become open to this, open to letting go, open
to what banners just said there divine timing or synchronicity
or just like, fuck, I've I've got I've got to say so much
lands on your lap because I think you just you just become
open to it. You there's an invitation now
out and so much more lands on your lap.
So many more opportunities, so many more insights.
You know, fucking hell, there's, there is a path that if I wasn't
open to this because I was trying to control the other path
and control my destiny because I had preference, if I was in that
mindset, I would not have seen that fucking out the path which
just come up which is, which is better, right?
So absolutely this, this step here on #5 follow your intuitive
guidance. Yeah.
And I think, I think that's when, you know, even when I've
been in relationships and recent relationships internally, I
like, I'm like, yeah, listen to you gut mate.
And it's hard. But always that that that
intuitive guidance has always been very, very right.
Yeah. And I think what men have
instinctively, what's not probably been conditioned out of
is not trusting their gut. So they trust their mind, not
their body. And also because of conditioning
around them, it's like, it's like, no, everything in my body
is telling me not to do this. And like I even I, I coached a
guy and he took a job and as soon as he took the job, he was
ill. He's like, dude, I never get
ill. And since I've been with this
company, I've just been getting I'll all the time.
And I was like, dude, what's going on?
He goes like everything is just, we're just misaligned.
It's like a misalignment. And I was like, what is what?
What's your intuition telling, what you get telling?
He was like, I'm not like this is everything I ever wanted, but
I don't it just like my body's telling me that I'm not meant to
be here anyway. Left the company, started his
own company absolutely fine. And I think this is something
that we think is like down to, oh, it's just because I've run
down, it's the weather. It's I haven't got the right
diet, but there's, there's so many instances where I can
attest even to my own, is your body's telling you shit and you
just don't listen. And the intuitive guidance,
sometimes it's like you'll just run down, I'll push.
It feels like you're pushing water uphill and it's listening
to that. Yeah.
This is the next point here is this is step number six, which
is embracing opportunities, and there there is absolutely the
power of no ABS of fucking lutely like being able to say
no, No, there's also the power of saying yes and and and
embracing opportunities. I've had recent opportunities
that have come into my world that a year ago I'd fucking had
never said yes to because I'm like no way too woo, way too
spiritual way. That is not, that's Nas, not but
that, but just being just surrendering to what's coming
into my life and saying yes to different opportunities has
absolutely given me so much more personal growth than I could
have ever imagined. And that is absolutely by me
saying yes to opportunities. The and it's like the easy one,
the gym, right? You never regret saying yes to
the gym. Ever.
Ever.
You never regret fucking saying yes to it.
There's so many times when I fuck me, I can't be arsed.
I can't like should I get put my clothes on and go to the gym?
Can't be asked. Every time I say yes to that and
go to the gym, I always come out feeling feeling better.
And it's similar to opportunities that are being
presented to you, life's opportunities that are being
presented to you. Some of them might make you feel
uncomfortable. I think, I think that your your
message recently has been in a creating an illogical life.
And like what's probably maybe coming up for me, mate, is that
you're like, you've made some illogical decisions like like
peep in the past probably would be like, that's not a logical
decision to do that. And you've trusted your
intuition, you know, do these things like doing doing the
things that you've done has helped you make massive shifts.
It was same for me, like go into Ibiza.
So I went to Ibiza for my second, second psilocybin
retreat and it didn't make sense at that time to go.
Like it didn't make sense because we had so much going on.
We'd come out to the UK, the house was wrecked.
All this sort of stuff didn't make sense for me to go.
I just knew it, although it wasn't logical for and anyway,
like when and did the experience, I, I had back pain
at the time and my back pain was like an 8 out of 10.
It was like really inhibitive. It was like I still trained and
like just, you know, carried on, but I wasn't listening to my
body. You know, ironically, I was
talking about that before. I wasn't listening to my body
and, you know, hadn't really. And I think that's what I had in
the experience was like, listen, man, start listening to your
body. And I just trusted my gut that I
had to go. And anyway, I had the experience
the following day I woke up and my back pain was like 0, maybe
one. I could feel like maybe it was
just like AI have spent probably the thick end of two and a half
34 grand trying to solve this problem.
Maybe more like in that in the 2-3 months leading up to that
thing. And I had this experience, which
I it was like it made perfect sense.
I just purged all the emotions. They all they all left my body.
And I am a scientist. I've had lots of physiotherapy,
chiropractor, all those treatments, but it was actually
a psychotherapist that said to me, by the way, you've got loads
of emotions sudden you get, and then I, I processed them in that
experience and, and it was a new opportunity and then it was like
it was gone. It was really, really strange.
So I think what you know, what you do actually do need to
embrace some illogical decisions.
Yeah, fucking absolutely. I like.
That. It is my thing right now.
It is leading in a logical life and how to lead in a logical
life. And to lead in a logical life,
you've got to make a logical decisions type of decision that
you a couple of years ago or you even now would go fuck that,
that's not logical. Yeah, Pete's trying to make me
buy a Jeep Wrangler and that's an illogical decision.
He's he's had like, yeah, he's like, and it is, I'm I will buy
one. And it's like, it's happening.
It's it's done. It's just like, it's, it's an
illogical decision. But I just know my gut's telling
me I should buy the Jeep. What's the story you're telling
yourself about this Jeep? What's what's the story that?
I think I've just spent too much on personal development in all
honesty. I, I, I think I've just
invested. I actually joked the other day I
was like, actually I hanged out. I worked all out how much I
spent on coaching and and personal development
psychotherapy and I was like, I could have had like a Bugatti on
on like on the monthly whatever. I'm like, I'm like, oh, but it's
just a value thing as I love, I love working with with coaching
and mentors and stuff like that. So yeah, it's interesting.
OK, so cultivate presence, patience, sorry, is the next
step. Patience.
I'm presence. And and that this is the the
thing I think that I noticed. It's a understanding that
surrendering is a gradual process.
And I, I, when I was first like the way that I was brought to
this was, you know, you don't need to pay attention to your
thoughts or just thoughts. That was the, the, the
statement, you know, So when we, when we detach from our
thoughts, we then become free. And then I remember first time
hearing that thinking this is bollocks.
How, how, how does that work? It took me 5 years to fully, I
really get that. And like now I'm seven years
post learning that I do, I can see that it's a gradual process.
It took me 5 years to fully understand that.
And the first like I remember I paid the coach I was working
with, I paid him a lot of money and I was like, what?
I've paid him all this money and he's told me not to trust my
thoughts. Like fuck you man.
This is like that was like a real realization for me.
But then it as the time has gone on, I'm like, Oh my God, that
was so profound. And it's, it's, it's giving me
value even now. And this is just like a side
note about having a coach or a mentor.
Is it sometimes they teach you something in the moment.
Like Pete said before, you're not ready to hear.
I wasn't, it was, I was obviously ready to hear that at
that point, but I wasn't ready to embody it as Pete talked
about, didn't embody it. I just, I was just, I wrestled
with that for a long time in my mind.
And sometimes in coaching, I I've given clients these things
and they, they haven't got them in the moment, but it's been
over time they've gone, oh, by the way, what you said about
such and such, that was so profound.
It helped me so much through XY or Z.
Yeah, be, yeah, absolutely be be patient with this.
And my I tell you what, guys, my experience with this is that if
you embody it, you'll see the results fucking today.
Like you will see results from this internally very, very
quickly. And the client, some of the
clients that I've seen, this is an issue in their lives and
we've talked about this, they too have seen how quickly and
effective embodying this can be. But still, it, you have to
practice patience with this. This is a this is a continuous
pursuit and a continuous practice.
Don't think that once you've done that for a couple of weeks,
you, you've completed the matrix.
No, this is this is, this is lifelong.
Just what Ben said earlier. I just want to touch on this
because this comes up a lot with and I see it a lot in in in
media is just detach from the outcome.
Detach from any outcomes. Fuck your feelings, fuck your
emotions. Feelings aren't facts and so
forth. Just detach.
It's, it's fucking easier said than done.
What I have seen as a like a, it's like a two-part.
When I've started to let go of all the control in my life and
surrender to that part of my life, detachment has come way
easier because I'm not trying to, because I'm not trying to
control the things that I want. I'm way less attached to the
outcomes because I'm because I'm done with the step #1 which is
actually just acceptance and letting go.
Yeah, I think the distinction there was like trying to control
versus intentional behaviour. I think there's a there's a
difference as well. I think is that.
But I all fucking means yeah, yeah, we're we're not saying
don't don't gun after your goals and and don't fucking go.
That's the direction I want to go in.
No I won't 100% not like, don't have absolute intention of This
is the man that I want to create.
This is the life that I want to create.
This is my big, illogical, seemingly impossible goals and
ambitions. I want fucking right.
Yeah, I think even like in your relationship is that what a lot
of guys from a place of control tried to do is fix their
partner. So like your partner says, she's
struggling with something and the way that you, the only way
you know to deal with it is to fix it.
And that is you controlling the situation as much as possible,
which gives you safety. Whereas actually we've talked
about in this an alien podcast and we can revisit this is
actually in those moments you actually do need to surrender
and like not try to fix and trust that she will solve that
herself. And like, that was something I
was speaking to a close friend about is that his wife called
him a fixer. He said, I, I never tell such
and such about more problems because he just tries to fix me.
And I'm like, oh, that's him just just trying to seek some,
some level of control because it's an emotional issue.
And she's like, Oh yeah, that's really profound.
And there's actually a book that we recommend more, but we, we
can talk about it at a time. But it's like the way that
you'll sometimes see your, you trying to control is trying to
fix everything. Logic.
Logic like prior logic to everything.
And it's not always the case. Yeah, and, and for and for us
guys, this is fucking difficult because biologically we've grown
up as builders, creators. We, our minds work in systems
and processes and operations. And that's how our minds work.
We like, we don't work emotionally, so we work, we work
logically. So always our our media is how
can I fix this? How can I systemize this?
How can I put a solution to this?
Because that's how that's how our minds are made-up.
Yeah, there's actually a statement by Bernie Brown.
It's not gender specific. It's like we originally termed
as thinking beings that occasionally feel, and it's
actually the opposite. We're feeling beings that
occasionally think it's just like it.
We've we've reversed it as we've come into the digital and the
technological age, it's like we actually we relied way more on
how we felt, but like, you know, way more we got here maintain
daily practices. And this is something I think
was missing for me was a practice to surrender.
I didn't know how to do that. And like, I remember my first
therapy session with Tim. And then have you had the same
experience, Pete? And he was like, we had a chit
chat for like 20 minutes. And then we were like, all
right, I want you to lie on the floor.
Then I want you to do these exercises where you move your
hips in like a kind of erotic way, like a tilt and a breath.
And I was like, well, what am I doing?
And I was like, OK, well, you're going to try and invoke a SOB.
And then and then what was happening was he was trying to
help me get to the point where I could just surrender and just
like literally let it out and let, let go of let it was just
letting go. That was the practice that, you
know, let go and letting go is going to take you into a reflex,
which is a is a SOB and that is you letting go.
And I, and I realized that I'd never let go, never really
sobbed in my life really, you know, go back.
And that was a practice. And I was doing this practice, I
had a couple of goes at it and every time I would have a
certain like letting go if it's got close to the point where I
might cry or sob or let go, I would there would be like a
thought that was shut it down. Yeah, Control.
Control. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. Control.
I tried to control myself, control my emotions.
And then the one day I finally got to that point where I just
like, I'm just, I just, I'm just so fucking fed up of trying to
control. And then we, I get to feel it
was a weird sensation. I was sat in this chair.
He said, let's, let's do some body work on that.
And I did this like, you know, the forward band and we did the
back arch and I led on the floor and I just, Oh my God, all just
this letting go, crying on the floor in front of me there.
And it was just like, it wasn't embarrassing, it wasn't
shameful. It was just like really letting
go. But that was the, the practice
and like, you know, both Pete and I, we, we were doing not
together. Sounds like we're doing couples
therapy, bro. It's like we had a practice,
like I had a therapy session every week and that was my
daily, weekly practice to do that breath, that one thing.
And I got to that point. And now when I go and do breath
work, you know, Pete and I came to, went to Dubai and then we
went to a breath work session. I've been going to that every
week on a Friday. I'm like, Jesus, I let go in
that session. I'm like all sorts of crazy shit
comes up. It's amazing.
It's like I, I walk out that session, I'm like, feel so clear
on what I need to do, you know, So I think that this is a really
important point is that you've got to have a practice of it,
whether it's weekly, daily, you know, mine was like my first
experience of that practice was in on on a retreat.
It was, it was a week of doing this stuff, but it was very,
very, very large amount very quickly.
Yeah, and other other practices here is meditation, is yoga, is
breath work. Ice bath.
It yeah, it is it the the point of or yeah, the first point of
the practice is for you is just to get present because the more
present you are with what's going on, with how you're
thinking, feeling, acting. When resistance comes up, step
number one, you can spot it. If you're not present with how
you're feeling, acting, doing, if you, you won't fucking spot
it. It'll just come up.
You'll just, you go into the existing reactive state of how
you, how we, you've always acted and then continue pissed off.
So it's, it is fucking important to be to practice your, your
regulation here, your nervous system regulation, your
mindfulness, like I like I, I recently got into yoga and I
fucking I love it. Like I, I, I said to you, I love
the pallari of going having a fight in jiu jitsu and then
doing yoga in the evening. It's just, but it's so you just
have to be so present. It's difficult to be thinking
about other things and it's it's it's an amazing practice.
You know, something I was thinking about a couple of
nights ago, I watched a film and it's called, I recommend it,
guys. It's actually, it's about a
father and how he looks after his son and teach and how he's
teaching his son to be a man. It's just deep.
It's deep film. It's called The Road I and
towards the end of the film fucking cried because just there
was this, there was this scene and I'm not.
And because I have a son and I could just fucking how I just
felt the emotion for what I could feel it now I'm like, Oh
my God, it was so painful and I had fucking tears coming down my
face. And it was actually a moment for
me when I thought, fuck, do you know what?
This is actually an example of actually how far I've come with
this, because so many other films in the past where I felt
like teary emotions and I've controlled it.
No, do not let the tears out, no control.
Don't fucking let that out, you fucking little wet wipe.
That's what'll go from my head. Don't fucking let it this you
misses or there's a woman that next year.
Don't let don't let a tear out. But that seems micro.
But actually that practice over time with me controlling my
actual emotions there and just like feeling emotive because
something fucking sad is happening on a film, which is
very it's natural me controlling that actually LED later down the
line to like people going, do you actually have any emotions,
Pete? Do you, do you, do you, do you
feel? Do you actually feel?
And that and that I'm not saying that was the only thing that led
to those sorts of comments, but I just picked up on it the other
night and I'm like, I, I know there are so many other guys
that their women say to them, do you actually have any feelings?
Oh, I've I've had so many women say that to.
Me like it is, but it is nice. It's these I now I'm getting
fucking aware to this. It is these micro moments where
we actually control those emotions and go Nah, I ain't
going to I ain't going to yeah, cry the film or or or or
whatever. I'm not going to feel that.
I'm going to control that and keep it in.
Yeah, because it's not that. It's not that you don't feel
them, You just don't want to show them.
Yeah, the next, the next one's observed without judgement.
And I think that's like what, you know, we kind of pertinent
to what we're talking about there.
It's like notice life events and your reactions about judgement
and it's allowing yourself to feel.
There's actually a really good book called Permission to Feel.
It's actually really good. It's it's very, it's very much
about what we've just been talking about.
It's really, really great and is permission to feel.
I can't remember the author and it's a really, really
interesting emotional intelligence book.
Definitely recommend it. And it's it's it's not judging
how you feel. It's being curious about it.
It's like, Oh my gosh, I'm I'm I cry at pride and they anything
not pride, not not gay pride. Maybe it's the the end of
homosexual coming out, but like pride is if there's pride pride
moments in a film. I said this to Mark Gernachli
and I said to him, like, dude, I get really teary around pride.
Like I literally that will be me sobbing really upset if there's
pride and Poppy's the same actually.
Well, it's funny. We're both watching a film in
the corner of our eye. I'm like, I know you're crying.
I'll say so I know you're crying.
But pride for me was like, and and I found out why.
It's because I, I just wanted pride for my dad so much.
And actually I was reading something, it was actually a
marketing book the other day and it's, it was actually really
deep and it's Travis's book. Make him beg to buy from you.
And it he was talking about this idea as like all a guy ever
wants to hear from his dad is I'm proud of you.
Oh, I read it and I was like, I was crying.
I was like, what the fuck? I'm reading this fucking
marketing book. I'm crying.
I'm like tearing up now talking about it because I'm like,
that's all I wanted to hear. And I'm anyway.
So like I judged that so much and I used to hold it back so
much. And I'm like, Nope, don't judge
that anymore. I just, that's all I ever wanted
to hear from my dad. And then hearing that I was
like, oh, anyway, like, and I just stopped, started, started
observing it and I was like, oh, right.
So I know it's so kind of observe without judgement.
This is what the, the, the step is.
It's like, oh, just being OK about just observing it and
yourself and like, Oh yeah, I'm, I'm really upset about that.
There's no, that doesn't make me any less or more of a man.
It doesn't make me a wet wipe. It doesn't make me weak.
It's like, Oh yeah, I just feel like that.
So that was really interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Step #10 this the, the last step is trust in the process is no,
this is a process and to go right, this is long term.
And this is someone I was speaking to.
I hope he listens to this. Speaking to my the guy in
concierge downstairs a couple of days ago.
Make a make a commitment to listen to it.
There you. Go yeah, I'm going to.
From me you can say, listen, my buddy said I've got and when he
listens to it and I'm talking to you, Mr. Concierge Guy, there
you go. Yeah, come on, D Right.
And we're talking about identity change and shifting identity.
And he was like, yeah, but Pete, how long will it take?
How long would like, can I get it?
Can I get this done quickly and my answer?
Yeah, mushrooms. It was not that my answer was.
That is the wrong question my friend.
It is, yeah. It what this is more of a a
statement that this is I am in this for the long term.
Hey, I'll do this for 10 years. Hey, I'll do this for 20 years.
Like that's my commitment to this.
Do not be interested in doing something like this.
Fucking commit and don't commit for a year.
Go do you know what I I trust these guys on awakened man seem
to, you know, know a little bit about a bit.
I'll commit to this for 10 years, see how I get on and I'm
and just trust the life, the universe, faith, whatever it is
that you might feel drawn to, has your back and you'll be well
in your way, my friends. Yeah, that's really profound.
That was a word that came up for me a lot, Trust faith.
And it was really frustrating because I I literally had no
concept of faith. We should do a podcast on this.
Yeah, well, I actually got someone who who said that they'd
come and talk to us about this because.
I have way more insights on it now since with the last
discussion we had. Yeah, because I and me too.
And I'm still, I'm still learning about this because like
for me, trust and faith and like this is like the next and maybe
this is the road map, you know, like where Pete and I are
talking about where we're going with this is like we're speaking
to a lot of guys, successful men, successful women.
One of the things that they have is that some sort of faith they
have, they have faith and it's not religion.
It could be religion. But it is like I'm just noticing
this, that it gets Maslow talked about in terms of the hierarchy
of needs. When you get all the, you know,
every step of the need, then you start to have more faith.
But yeah, I think it's, it's definitely something I'd like to
to talk through and we will commit to bringing a, a podcast
on that. Team that is end of this
podcast, TuneIn next week for the next and thanks so much for
listening. Catch you later before you go.
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