Welcome to the heroic man. This is your daily call to
adventure, gentlemen, and today we're talking about the
neuroscience of confidence. Guys, quickly quick question.
When you think of success, right, what is your idea of
success? When you think of success, what
is your, what is your idea of success?
Because if, if, if you like the typical guy or you'd be like the
typical man, then then, then I then, then often our idea of
success, it's often the intrinsic one, right?
That, that, that, that we look at someone, right?
We look at other people and we say, well, well, that person is
successful, right? That person is super successful,
right? That person is wealthy.
That person is famous. That person has a million
followers on, on, on social media, right?
That person is super powerful, right?
Or, or, or whatever. We, we, we, we use to define
other people right? In, in how we perceive them to
be successful. And, and, and, and the reason we
do that is, is because it's our current culture's idea of
success, right? So I'm repeat this week is that,
that, that, that if our idea of success is literally looking at
other people and, and, and, and then defining success based on,
on, on what someone else's success looks like, right,
Because that that person is super successful.
They have a great career, they have a great company.
They, they supremely wealthy. They, they famous, they, they,
they influencer, they have millions of followers or that
person is hot. They, they have a great body.
They they sculpted, they don't, they have a six pack, whatever
the fuck it is, right? Or we say, well, that person is
powerful, right? Well, that's because our current
culture, right? Is, is, is inculcating in US,
right? The the, the view of success,
right? And guys, what we need to do is,
is, is we need to challenge that, right?
And, and, and we have to start thinking about about it, right?
What does success really mean for me?
What what is true success for me, right?
And, and, and, and the thing about a psychologist, we
understand that the true success isn't that, it isn't that, that,
that extrinsic success, right, true success ultimately, right,
is, is loving our values, right? And, and, and, and I'm repeating
this for you guys, their true success, right?
Psychological, psychological success, right, is loving our
values, right? And, And, and what's exciting
about, about that right, versus the, the, the intrinsic success
is that you can have instant success.
I'm repeat this for you guys. That, that, that, that that's
psychological success, true success, right?
Is, is loving your values, right?
And, and the great thing about loving your values is, is that
when you're doing that right, you can have instant success,
right? Because why, when I, when I
identify my values, right? And, and, and I then I love and
I then love consistently with, with those values, right?
Then it's almost like magic because I press though, right?
I have success right now, right? And then even in the midst of
failure. So I'm going to repeat this to
you guys that, that, that if I, if I identify my values, if I
live with those values consistently, well, then guess
what? Even in the midst of failure, I,
I am successful, right? Do you see that, that, that you
can be successful because you are living in, in integrity with
your deepest values, right? And, and so that you, you, what
happens is that we end up having success moment to moment to
moment, right? And, and it, it, it, it, it
doesn't matter whether other people think that, that, that
I'm a failure according to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to our
culture's version of what success is.
And I'm going to, does it make sense to you?
Do you guys, do you guys see this, that if I identify my
values, if I live with them consistently, right?
It doesn't matter. I, I am successful in this
moment, right? And it doesn't even, it doesn't
mean that that I have to compare myself to some, to some external
version of what success looks like right then do you see this?
So I can have instant success moment to moment to moment,
right? And and then again, it doesn't
matter how long I've lived with, with these values, right?
I can literally right come up with a bunch of values that they
don't want that I want to run my life back.
And, and as soon as I start living my life consistently with
them, well, guess what? I have success.
Any questions, Ben? No, I, I absolutely agree with
this. My, my highest values are
teaching, learning, leadership, you know, and, and I think, I
think something that changed for me as I, as I, as I became a
father is that like health and fitness used to be like a big,
big value of mine. And when I, when we had the
kids, that was like a competing value.
Like all of a sudden I couldn't train at the times I wanted to.
And I saw this shift in my values.
Whereas now it's actually a question you asked me, you said
why did you want to make money? I think you asked me why did I
want to make the money? And I mentioned all things about
myself and he said, he said, wasn't it about my family.
I think over the last two years, a lot of my driver has to be has
been to create experiences for the girls.
So yeah, I think it's it's a really, really profound way to
see confidence and success. You know, really, really.
I feel very, very aligned with those.
So yeah, I can I can relate totally.
Yeah, you guys so, but you're no one's favorite subject now the
neuroscience of confidence, right?
And, and so I want to share 11 great concept that, that, that I
literally love my life by right? And, and, and then I teach all
of my, my coaching and therapy clients.
It's the, the, the, the acronym of fear and dare.
So fear and dare, right? And, and so, so firstly, right,
when we have fear, right? So, so, so the word fear, right?
So when we have fear, the F stands for fusion.
So FEAR, so the F stands for fusion, right?
And, and, and so when we have fear, right?
And, and what is fear? Well, well, well, a
psychologist, we understand that that that fear is literally OK.
So at any given time, you, you, you can either experience one of
two states. You can experience either fear
or excitement, right? And, and, and so physiologically
speaking, fear and excitement show up in your body, in your
nervous system, exactly the same.
It's the exact same physiological response, except
right, that, that, that when you have fear right, you stop
breathing, right. Fear is, is first of all, the
founder of Gestal psychology said that fear is literally
right. The absence of, of, of, of
breathing. It's literally excitement,
except that you don't breathe right.
So, so, So what do we understand?
Our fear? Fear is literally it's a, it's
a, it's a physiological response to a psychological phenomena
phenomena. I'm repeat this for you guys,
that fear, right, is a physiological response to a
psychological phenomena, right? And, and so the, the
psychological phenomena that a psychologist we call fusion.
So, so again, I'm repeat this for you guys, that fear is
literally the the physiological response to a psychological
phenomena that psychologist called fusion, right?
And so when I have fear, right, what happens?
Well, when I fear, I'm literally I'm fused, right?
I'm stuck, I'm glued, I'm sold it right to my negative
thoughts. And repeat this for you guys,
right? We talked about negative
thoughts over the last few days. And So what is fear?
Fear is literally right, a physical physiological response
to what to do my negative thoughts, right?
Because I have negative thoughts and because I have negative
thoughts, right, I become fused to those thoughts.
I'm stuck to those thoughts, right?
I'm literally glued or sold it to those thoughts, right, Those
negative thoughts right in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in.
When I'm first to those thoughts, I'm I'm neither taking
action right nor am I showing up right and doing the thing that
that I know I should be doing. Any questions Ben, about the F
part? No, I I really love this.
I was actually climbing crib. Go on in, in Wales and I and I
got, I got quite fearful at the top and I actually remembered
your, your voice on my shoulder saying fear is excitement
without the breath. And I remember just breathing my
way across the, the, the crib and I was like, my fear just
dropped substantially. So yeah, it's super, super
pragmatic as well. Yeah, guys, the, the, the, the,
the next part of, of, of a little equation, right?
E right? And, and, and, and this is the
one, right, that if you're an entrepreneur or whatever, right?
This is the one that, that fucks us all up, right?
So E is literally E stands for excessive, right?
And, and it literally stands for excessive goals, right?
Guys, we all have, we have goals, right?
That, that, that fucking stress us the hell out, right?
And, and, and, and, and our goals are just so overwhelming.
Guys, here's the thing, right? And, and, and, and I know this
for myself, right? Both myself and Pete, right?
I I've literally started a dozen multi million companies, right,
big set of the awakened men right after having built his own
his architectural practice to a million right and I can tell you
this right and Ben Ben will tell you over the last few years we
we build awakened men into 7 figure business.
But you know what again with even with all of the experience
that years I've been in entrepreneur it is fucking it's
tough it's not easy. Do you see that in, in So what,
what? But what most of us do, right,
because we have no other idea. We, we said excessive goals
that, that we have no way of overachieving.
We say to ourselves, well, you know what?
I'm going to build my business into a 7 figure company or
whatever, right? Or, or I'm going to do ABC and
in terms of my career, right, the goal is fucking excessive,
right? We have no, we have no way of,
of achieving it. We know no one has done it
right. And guess what, right?
We we end up literally overwhelming our, our nervous
system. We end up stressing ourselves
out right? And, and, and what we want to do
right is we literally our, our goals literally cause us to, to
live in, in, in a constant state of overwhelm.
And, and what we want to do right is, is to stop doing that
right? The, the so, so that's the E for
excessive goals, right? The, the, the, the a in, in, in,
in fear, right? He stands for avoiding or
avoidance, right? And do you see this?
So, So what happens, right? And, and this is Benjamin Owens
expertise. Yeah, right.
That, that all of us, what we do is we, we, we avoid, right?
We, we, we, we, we love to fucking be obsessed with
avoiding discomfort, right? And and and and and and and a
major theme of, of, of being in heroic right is, is, is that we,
we want to do the work, right? To get fucking uncomfortable,
rather to get comfortable being uncomfortable.
I'm repeat this for you guys. Guys, the work of being a heroic
man, the work of being an awakened man, right, is to get
fucking comfortable being uncomfortable.
It, it, it, it, it's not about getting rid of, of our fear.
It's not, it is physically and it is physiologically and
psychologically impossible, right, to get rid of your fear,
right? And, and, and, and, and, and so
we don't want to get rid of the fear, right?
We don't want to get rid of, of the feeling of, of fear or
discomfort, right? It's about getting comfortable
with it, right? And, and, and, and then we do,
and then we do what needs to get done, right?
And, and, and, and then maybe on the next call, you can do the,
your favorite schools with, with the guys, right?
So, so guys, the, the, the, a right, look at your life.
Ask yourself, where the fuck am I avoiding discomfort, right?
Because again, a, a, a huge theme, right, of being
successful, right? He's getting fucking comfortable
with being uncomfortable, right? And again, right, it's not
trying to delude ourselves. You say, well, I'm going to get
rid of the fear, right? It's not, it's not
physiologically or psychologically impossible
possible to get rid of fear. What we want to do right is we
don't want to get rid of the, of the feeling of the fear or
discomfort. It's just getting comfortable
with it. And then we do what needs to be
done right. And, and the, the, the, the, the
last part, the, the R right in, in the acronym fear right stands
for removal, right? And what does it mean?
What will it stands for removal from or distance from our
values, right? So I have values, right?
But if I have fear AKA fusion, right, if I have excessive
goals, if I have avoidance of discomfort, well, guess what,
right? I'm far away.
I've lived. I'm literally removed from my
values. I'm repeat this to you guys.
So the, the, the last part, the, the, the R stands for removal or
distance from my values. Because even if I'm living my
life in fear, even fuse to my negative thoughts, right?
If I ever, if I have excessive goals, right, they're stressing
me the fuck off if I'm avoiding discomfort, right?
Well, guess what, right? I'm literally removed from my
values and and and and guess what?
When I'm removed from my values, I will feel fear.
So do you guys see this? It is literally right, a, a, a,
a sort of feedback loop, right? I have fear because I'm, I'm,
I'm, I'm, I'm removed from my values, I'm fused to my negative
thoughts. I'm avoiding discomfort.
I have excessive goals, right? And therefore I, I, I feel fear
again. And so we, what, what happens
that is we love in, in this roller coaster, right, of, of
our fear in degrading the fear. Does that make sense to you
guys? Yeah, you're saying can you?
Can you? I got everything there but but I
didn't get removed from my values how that fits into the
equation. I just if you could re explain
that for me. Yeah, guys, we have values,
right? So I say to myself, so, So Ben,
what are your values? Teaching, learning, leadership,
and family. OK, teaching leading leadership
and family. OK, so how do you teach?
How do I teach from experience that I that I've I've undergo?
So you're going to set, you're going to set a business to teach
people. Yes.
OK, so that's how you're going to teach.
So one of your values is, is teaching, right?
How how are you going to achieve your teaching by creating a
business that allows you to teach, right?
But guess what? Right now, so that's that's a
core value for you. But right now, what are you
doing? You're not doing that.
Why? Because right now you're fused
to your negative thoughts, your negative thoughts, you But then
you know what? Right now you're not enough.
You're not good enough to teach, right?
You don't have enough skills, blah, blah, blah, blah, right?
Whatever those negative thoughts that we talked about.
Do you see that? So.
So now. Yeah, sorry.
But I'm focusing, I'm, I'm focusing more on the fear than I
am on my values. So like, say I want to like, I
really want to help people. I want to help them do this
thing. But then like that's my value.
And then I'm really fearful. I've got all my kind of myself
sabotage my blocks going on. And I'm focused more on that
than I am on the actual service, Right?
I get it, I get it and some now. Yeah, it's good because again,
the psychologist, we understand that there's only two things
ever happening, right? Number one is I have painful, I
have painful thoughts. Sorry.
I have trembling thoughts and I have painful emotions.
And my troubling thoughts, my painful emotions are what keep
me stuck. So, so so so Ben has his goal.
He wants to be a teacher, right? But he's now used to his thought
because his negative thoughts say to him, well, Ben, who the
fuck are you to teach, right? You don't have enough, you don't
have enough experience. You don't have the skill.
Maybe what you need to do to do some other courses, read, read
more books, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So so now Ben is is fuse his negative thoughts, but those
negative thoughts arise. Why?
Because because Ben is excessive goals, because Ben is saying to
himself, well, you know what? I'm in order for my business to
be successful, I need to make $1,000,000.
And in order to make $1,000,000 this year, I need to teach who
have 1000 people join my program, right?
Do you see that right. But but that's an excessive goal
because Ben has never created anything, right?
He had 1000 members. So now what's happening, right?
His excessive goals, right are causing him to get even more and
more fused because he's negative of us saying, well, Ben, who the
fuck are you to be able to create a program that is 1000
paying members right? And so now what does what does
Ben do? Will Ben does the avoiding of
discomfort, But because Ben knows that in order to hit those
fucking accessible, he needs to be other.
He needs to be fucking hustling. He needs to be doing to be doing
things that he's never done before, right?
But, but, but, but by definition, those things right
require Ben to to do things that are fucking uncomfortable,
right? So what?
But what does he do? Well, his his negative thoughts
have said to him, well, you know what, you're not good enough,
right? So he avoids a discomfort,
right? And and in in doing those first
three things, right, Usually his negative thoughts, he his
excessive goals are are fucking him, him up, right?
He's avoiding discomfort, right? So guess what?
His values, right, get further and further, living with his
values, living in integrity with his values right, get further
and further and further away. He's literally removed from his
values. And because he's removed from
his values, well, guess what he feels?
He feels the physiological sensation of fear.
He feels the psychological sensation of fear.
And because he now feels fear, it's now a fucking unhealthy
loop. Because the more he feels fear,
the more he gets used to his to his negative thoughts.
The more he gets few see negative thoughts, the further
away his goals get. Because he to do a million a
year, they need to do 100,000 a month.
But this month he didn't do 100,000.
Next one he doesn't do so well. Guess what?
Now there's only 10 months left in the year and that 100,000,
whatever that goal that he had now becomes even more, he now
needs to do even more right? And so he's going even more
excessive, right? And the more excessive his goal
becomes, he needs to even do more things that are
uncomfortable. Well, guess what?
Like he now avoids, he doing uncomfortable even more right?
And the more he does it, the more removed he's from his
values. The more removed he's from his
values, the more fear he feels right then and on and on and on
and on. Does it make sense to answer
your question, Benjamin? Yeah, yeah, perfectly.
Yeah. I love that.
I've got, I've got it down here guys.
We haven't managed to go into DARE today, but I think that is
quite a very, a very comprehensive breakdown of fear.
Thank you so much for the call today.
You've seen us. Marvellous.
Thanks Guy. Before you go, we are a believer
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