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Welcome back to the Heroic Man 
podcast I have with me today, 

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Adam Allred, who I have been 
following off of Instagram for a

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little while now. 
Adam talks a lot of fucking 

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sense when it comes to 
masculinity, what it means to be

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a man, and a lot of sense on 
relationships too. 

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So Adam, welcome in mate. 
Peter, I'm glad to be here, man.

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Thanks for having me on the 
show. 

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My pleasure, my mate. 
Right, let's let's dig straight 

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in and talk about in your 
definition, what does it mean to

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be a man in today's world? 
So I think I'll start by 

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answering it this way. 
I think there's a kind of a 

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spectrum right now we're seeing 
in society. 

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You have on one end of that 
spectrum, you have what is being

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labeled as toxic masculinity. 
On the other end of that end of 

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that spectrum, you have what I 
think is very healthy 

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masculinity called the 
comprehensive man. 

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And this this guy that's working
on these different aspects of 

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his life and he knows who he is 
and he's self aware. 

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And in between that you have a 
whole host of lost boys. 

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This is my terminology. 
Guys are just are in neither 

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camp, but it's a spectrum and 
they just, they don't know what 

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they don't know and they're kind
of lost in the programming of 

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this world. 
And so my definition of what a 

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man is, is somebody who can go 
into the world, a man who can go

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into the world and impose his 
will on it. 

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That's what masculinity looks 
like to me. 

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And toxic masculinity is doing 
that for selfish reasons. 

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It's what you can get is what 
you can take. 

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And there's a lot of toxic 
masculine men out there that are

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able to go out and do exactly 
what they want to do in the 

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world. 
Healthy masculinity is being 

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able to impose your will on the 
world around you, this world of 

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entropy, but you're doing it to 
make the world a better place, 

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particularly as men, to take 
care of the people that are on 

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your watch. 
I mean, essentially a man goes 

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out his front door every day 
into this world of chaos and he 

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carves out a living out of that.
He creates a home for his 

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family, you know, and he puts 
bread on the on the table and 

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clothes on the backs of his 
kids. 

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And, and that's him imposing his
will in the world, but he's 

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doing it to make sure he's got a
place that's safe and secure for

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his family. 
It's a sacred duty. 

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And, and, and that goes beyond 
just the family. 

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But to me, that's the, the 
quintessential definition of 

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what a man is, is somebody who 
can actually impose as well in 

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the world. 
And these lost boys can't. 

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They don't understand that 
they're kind of just going 

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through these checklist of 
responsibilities that the world 

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is giving them. 
They're kind of lost in the 

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sauce. 
They're, they're, they're, 

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they're never taking the 
initiative in their life. 

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They're constantly just kind of 
like behind the power curve and 

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they don't know why nothing's 
working and why their wheels are

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constantly spinning or they're 
stuck in neutral. 

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And so being able to like be 
that type of man. 

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And it starts fundamentally with
knowing who you are, like 

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recognizing that you, what your 
purpose is in this life and then

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working towards that is kind of 
the fundamental start for that 

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whole process. 
What's your definition of 

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masculinity or being a man? 
My definition of masculinity or 

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being a man is a man that's on a
mission, right? 

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So he, he has a mission in life,
he has a drive in life, he has a

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purpose in life. 
And that purpose of mission is 

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for the greater good of him, his
family and his community, right?

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So he's making a positive 
contribution. 

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He's also a man that has and 
knows his values, right? 

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Knows them deep into his soul. 
And because he knows his values,

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he's got a set of standards and 
a set of boundaries that he 

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upholds and he doesn't. 
He's not walked over and he's 

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not toxic and and he's not 
passive. 

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He's a powerful man to himself 
and the people around him. 

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That's pretty comprehensive. 
I like that. 

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I, I, I talk a lot about that 
with the men that I coach and 

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just in on social media in 
general. 

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I think it it in my experience 
there, there is a lot of talk 

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about toxic masculinity, but I 
actually think the the Lost 

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Boys, the the lost guys, the 
nice guys, that is more 

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prevalent than the toxic side of
it. 

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The in my experience, I was 
anyway. 

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What do you think? 
Why do you think that is? 

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Why do you think there's so many
lost guys? 

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And what I agree with you, First
off, I think, yeah, the majority

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of men out there that I come in 
contact with and I literally 

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work with thousands of young men
and I'm on social media 

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interacting with thousands more.
So I see this a lot. 

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A lot of guys are stuck in the 
nice guy syndrome and they have 

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been conditioned. 
And the reason why I think that 

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is or lost boys, you could say 
nice guys or lost boys. 

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I think what we have seen over 
the last century really is just 

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this attack on masculinity. 
And ultimately, that's resulted 

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in the erosion of the 
traditional family and the 

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removal of masculinity in many 
of the homes. 

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And so you have either single 
mothers raising children or you 

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have mothers that have stepped 
into that role. 

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And the husband, if he's around,
is a bystander. 

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He's not doing much coaching 
because he doesn't, he doesn't 

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know what what it means to be a 
man himself. 

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And these these boys are raised 
by females and then they go into

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a school system that's 
predominated, dominated by 

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females. 
And when they come into 

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adulthood, they don't know what 
a man is at all. 

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They have no concept of it. 
They know there's stuff missing,

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but they don't know what what 
they don't know. 

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And I think this is the the 
biggest problem is because then 

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they roll into these 
relationships. 

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We were just talking about this 
a second ago. 

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They roll into these 
relationships and they're 

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looking for a woman to give them
purpose because that's how 

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they've been raised their whole 
life. 

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So they're waiting to find that 
woman that can give their life 

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some purpose. 
And when they find that they're 

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essentially looking for a mother
role, like right, as a woman 

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that can tell them what to do 
and and then they'll be fine. 

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And this is a huge loss for 
everybody. 

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This isn't a win for women. 
It's deeply unattractive to a 

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woman up to to have to mother a 
man or to have a man at least. 

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That's just absent. 
It's not showing up in a 

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meaningful way to lead and to 
provide and to do the things 

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that men have traditionally 
done. 

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So I think this is fundamentally
what we're we're seeing the 

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fruits of this entire process 
over the last, you know, over 

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decades. 
We're seeing the fruits of that 

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right now. 
We're we're boys have no idea 

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what it means to be a man. 
And there's not there's not 

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those things in society that 
used to be there that would that

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would kind of fill in the gaps. 
Those things have been eroded 

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away as well. 
It's it's AII think it's the 

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biggest problem we are facing in
society right now, hands down is

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weak men. 
Yeah. 

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Yeah, yeah, absolutely got and I
think and like guys looking to 

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relationships to meet their 
needs or looking looking to 

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their woman to to meet their 
needs and that and the woman the

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fucking not liking that because 
it is essentially their mother's

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role. 
It's that, you know, growing up,

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if you're a young boy and your 
mother's looking after you, 

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it's, it's her responsibility to
help. 

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If you grow up, meet your needs 
until you're a man, then take 

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that into a relationship. 
It's not sexy. 

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Yeah, not on any level. 
And you know, this type of work 

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that you're doing, that I'm 
doing, this is really about 

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helping men remember who they 
are and then give them a 

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framework that they can use 
that's going to be healthy in 

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every aspect of their life. 
And I think it starts, like you 

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said earlier, in your definition
of masculinity. 

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It starts with a man recognizing
what his primary purpose is. 

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And the way you articulate it is
essentially the way that I 

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articulate it. 
So it's interesting because we 

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haven't had any communications 
this way, but we're on the kind 

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of already on the same 
wavelength. 

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And so it tells me that we're 
doing something right. 

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That's kind of a universal issue
and a universal answer to that, 

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which is that men have to have a
purpose, a primary purpose, or 

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as you said, a mission. 
They've got to have a mission 

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that they're after that isn't a 
woman. 

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The mission is, in my opinion, 
the primary purpose of every 

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single man that exists is to 
become the most powerful version

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of himself. 
That's the primary mission. 

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You got this one chance to live 
this life, this avatar, this 

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character that you're 
controlling in this video game. 

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You have the simulation, 
whatever it is that we're going 

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through in this conscious state 
to make it the best version that

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it can be. 
And if if you're a good man, 

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then you're doing that to make 
the world a better place. 

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And it's because until you're 
you know who you are as a man, 

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until you are good at being a 
man, you can never be good at 

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anything else you do in life. 
You can't be a good husband, as 

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we're already talking about. 
You can't be a good father, you 

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can't be a good partner, you 
can't be a good friend. 

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Everything else kind of falls 
apart. 

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So it's fundamentally being a 
good man. 

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That's the primary purpose of 
every man. 

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And then that doesn't mean nice.
That means powerful, that means 

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strong. 
That means, you know, a man 

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who's not walked all over, a man
who has self respect, a man 

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who's going into this this crazy
world and he's making it a 

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little bit better because 
because he's here or a lot 

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better, you know, you get as far
as you can down that road. 

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And that's the primary purpose 
of every man. 

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Yeah, I think what you just 
said, there's a fucking great 

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distinction. 
It's about being a good man, not

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a nice man. 
Because it's the, it's, I think 

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that's where so many guys fuck 
up. 

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It's if I am nice, then I will 
get rewarded. 

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Like if, like if, if I do all 
these nice things, then she will

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like me and she will reward me 
or worse or even worse, like if 

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I do all these nice things, then
she has to reward me back, 

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right? 
She has to because, because I 

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bought her flowers and all 
because I did the washing or 

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because because I'd gone out and
I did my work today. 

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She has to then reward me for 
that. 

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And then when she doesn't, then 
resent builds up right from the 

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from the guy, but also resents 
building up from the woman, 

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right? 
And it's justice. 

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And then it does become quite 
dysfunctional and toxic in a 

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relationship because the guy's 
being nice, not a good man, not 

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doing things out at the goodness
of his heart because he just 

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fucking wants to do that for his
woman. 

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Now most men are doing something
because they want something in 

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return. 
The you hit the nail on the 

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head. 
And again, I think this starts 

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foundationally in the home where
these boys are raised by women. 

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And both men and women somewhat 
on both sides of this coin, lack

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self-awareness, but particularly
women in this regard. 

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They, they teach their boys to 
be nice. 

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You know, that's what a woman 
wants her, her boy to be is 

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nice, but it's it's not 
attractive to women because a 

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nice guy isn't respected. 
And you can't you can't be nice 

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enough to get a girl to like 
you. 

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But the problem is the men are 
raised with that framework. 

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And then like to your point, 
they go into the world, they 

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think, well, this is what I've 
been told women want by my mom, 

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by my school teachers, by 
whoever else. 

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And then they wonder why it 
doesn't work when they're trying

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to find a relationship. 
Why this whole, you know, 

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they're bitter and you get these
nice guys that are just almost 

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militant about their niceness. 
It's like, no, being nice is the

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way to treat a woman. 
And it's like, well, bro, when's

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the last time you had a woman? 
Oh, it's been decade, but that's

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how you do it because they're 
running on this outdated 

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programming. 
It's not outdated as prevalent, 

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but this toxic programming 
that's been handed to him by 

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women that then makes them 
unattractive to women. 

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Like a woman is attracted to a 
man who is a man who's a man 

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first. 
Like they, they, it drives them 

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00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:11,320
crazy when they have a man then 
then and there's some aspects or

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elements to that. 
They have to be understood. 1 is

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that she has to feel that she 
can't control you. 

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Like that has to be like just 
foundationally part of the 

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thing. 
It doesn't mean you don't 

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compromise with her. 
It doesn't mean you don't show 

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00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,080
her deference and respect. 
You do all of those things, but 

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she doesn't have control over 
you. 

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You're not asking her for 
permission. 

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You're not going to her to wipe 
your nose. 

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She's not directing you and 
telling you what to do for your 

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00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:33,520
responsibilities. 
She doesn't have control over 

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you because you're a man 1st and
you are sovereign and you are 

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acting in accord with your, you 
know, with, with, with what it 

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means to be a man. 
So I think fundamentally it's 

240
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like not being a yes man to 
women. 

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Again, that doesn't mean you're,
you're, you're trying to be, you

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00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,680
know, contradictory to them or 
you're trying to create 

243
00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:50,480
contention. 
But it's just like I'm, I'm not 

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00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:51,880
ever going to be controlled by a
woman. 

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00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,640
And that's very, very attractive
to a woman. 

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00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:55,240
That gives her a sense of 
security and it gives her a 

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sense of respect for that man. 
Yeah, I'll tell you what I've 

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seen recently and this is this 
is this is a new insight for me,

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is the, because then there is 
this cycle of guys being nice 

250
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:09,320
guys or guys be and and not 
because they're kind of not 

251
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:12,200
leading their lives right and 
not going out providing and 

252
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:15,680
protecting the family. 
So the woman stepping up in the 

253
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:17,400
family role. 
So the woman's like, OK, well, 

254
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fuck this. 
Well, if you're not going to do 

255
00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:20,800
it, then I'll go, I'll go and 
step up. 

256
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So it's essentially taking more 
of a masculine role then what's 

257
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,760
happening. 
What I've just started to this 

258
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:30,440
is a recent insight is the, the,
the men are then feeling 

259
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:34,400
emasculated by their partners. 
And then it's, and then it's a 

260
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,240
even bigger cycle because now, 
now the man's feeling 

261
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,480
emasculated and he's being 
pushed down even further. 

262
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:43,640
And woman's like, well, I, this 
is I, I, I need to step up even 

263
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:47,200
more now, right? 
Because you're even weaker than 

264
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:52,920
what you were a year ago. 
And it's seen, I've noticed in 

265
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,760
some relations to this even 
bigger toxic cycle going on. 

266
00:11:56,360 --> 00:12:00,600
What would you say to the women 
in this scenario? 

267
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,760
Well, you can't, you can't shame
your man into being a bitter 

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00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:06,840
man. 
First off, I would say that. 

269
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So it's a tough position that a 
lot of women are put in. 

270
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,400
And it's a, it's a, I'm not 
going to say it's women's fault 

271
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,600
that we're here because 
ultimately I think we as men 

272
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,160
have allowed ourselves to be 
neutered by these things. 

273
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:18,920
And so it's ultimately a 
masculine issue. 

274
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:22,160
But if you're trying to get your
husband to step into a 

275
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:24,760
leadership role, you can't do 
that through shaming, criticism.

276
00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:28,640
It doesn't work. 
So many of us, we sadly, we gain

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00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:32,520
our identity from the identities
of other people have of us, what

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00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:33,760
they say about us, what they 
speak about. 

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00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:35,960
Think about a child, you know, 
like you raise children and 

280
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,360
you're like, if you start 
talking to people about your 

281
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:40,720
child in front of them, like 
this is my child that's shy, 

282
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,160
this is my child that's good at 
sports, this is my child that's 

283
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:46,320
outgoing and smart, blah, blah, 
blah, they start to take on 

284
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:47,920
those identities. 
That's because that's how 

285
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:49,440
they're described by other 
people. 

286
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:53,120
So when you emasculate your man,
he's going to resist that and 

287
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,800
eventually he's going to shut 
down, but it's also going to 

288
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:58,120
start to seep into his psyche of
who he is. 

289
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:01,240
And so it just, it just makes 
the problem so much. 

290
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,800
And so, you know, you start by 
marry this guy for a reason. 

291
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,320
Why did you marry him? 
Remember who that guy is and 

292
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:11,720
then treat him like that, even 
when he's not necessarily 

293
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,480
deserving it. 
And this is a really hard thing 

294
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:16,800
to do because it's really easy, 
especially when the woman is 

295
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,320
drowning in all the 
responsibilities. 

296
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:19,800
And she stepped in her mask and 
rolled it. 

297
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,280
Just be like, dude, I'm going to
handle this. 

298
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:26,200
But if you don't treat your man 
like he is a man, he's, he's not

299
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:29,200
going to ever act like a man. 
And that's no guarantee that he 

300
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,640
will. 
You can treat people a certain 

301
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:33,400
way and they still don't change.
But that's where I would start 

302
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,880
is just you got to treat your 
man like he's valuable. 

303
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:38,160
You got to you got to give your 
man the ability to lead. 

304
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:40,960
And if he's not doing that, this
is this is where I think you 

305
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:43,480
start is by, you know, 
remembering the guy that you 

306
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,880
married and why you married him 
and then helping him to remember

307
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:48,360
that by how you speak to him and
how you speak about him 

308
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,680
especially. 
Yeah, yeah, I I agree. 

309
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:55,320
I completely agree with that. 
Because it doesn't if you don't 

310
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:57,280
do that, it doesn't get any 
better. 

311
00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:59,840
It only it only leads down one 
Rd. 

312
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:02,080
You can't shame somebody into 
being a better person. 

313
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:04,600
It just never works. 
And yet we often think that, 

314
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:08,280
well, like if I, if I make them 
feel shitty enough or her shitty

315
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,760
enough, they'll change their 
behaviour, they'll step up. 

316
00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:13,280
And it just it, it doesn't work 
in any direction. 

317
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:17,880
No, I, I think like, I mean, 
shaming doesn't work full stop. 

318
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:22,040
But what I've seen in my like 
men's communities, if I like, I 

319
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:25,240
won't call out a guy, I'll call,
I'll call a guy up and I call 

320
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,720
him out on his bullshit and hold
him to a higher standard. 

321
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,680
And men receive that really well
from other guys. 

322
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:34,960
I think receiving that from your
intimate partner is is quite 

323
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:38,600
hard to take for a guy. 
Receiving it for a bunch of guys

324
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,080
that they respect is a lot 
easier and they're like to go 

325
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:43,920
fuck me. 
Actually, I do need to step up. 

326
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,200
I am, I am withholding in my 
relationship. 

327
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:49,440
PII am actually showing as more 
of a, of a softer man of a 

328
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:51,040
passive man rather than a 
powerful man. 

329
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,400
I appreciate you. 
You calling me up on that, 

330
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,720
right? 
And so it's so fucking important

331
00:14:56,720 --> 00:15:00,080
for guys to have solid men 
around them and to hold them to 

332
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:02,000
a higher standards. 
This is incredibly important. 

333
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,880
Well, and I was, I was going to 
say you hit the nail on the head

334
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:07,560
again, but I was going to say 
the second thing as a woman, if 

335
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:09,800
you're in a relationship with a 
man who's not leading is to get 

336
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,840
him around other good men. 
Like first treat him like he's a

337
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,440
good man, even if he doesn't 
necessarily in your mind deserve

338
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:17,080
it. 
But then get him around other 

339
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:20,760
good men because it is good men 
that make it's good tribes that 

340
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:25,240
make good men. 
And to your point, weak shame is

341
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:29,120
not necessarily a bad thing in 
the right conditions, as you 

342
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,960
already alluded to. 
Like me and my group of friends,

343
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,440
we, we talk on each other all 
the time. 

344
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:37,040
And like you said, we'll call 
each other out and, and we can 

345
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,320
hear it from another guy. 
Like you'd be like, Oh yeah, 

346
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:40,800
you're right, dude, man, I'm 
being a little bitch. 

347
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,760
I got to do better. 
We can hear that. 

348
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,920
Like we can recognize that, 
especially if it's done with the

349
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:48,000
intention of, you know, like 
just calling them up instead of 

350
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,440
like making them feel stupid. 
But you can, there's a place for

351
00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:53,840
that in the, in the, in the to 
try to do that. 

352
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:56,200
A lot of women hit me up and 
they say, you know, I'm, I've 

353
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,120
been talking to my man about 
trying to be better. 

354
00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:00,120
And I've been trying to do 
everything on my end to help him

355
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,280
level up and see where he's not 
leading. 

356
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,280
And I'm, you know, I'm trying my
best to encourage him to step in

357
00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:06,800
that role. 
And it's just not working. 

358
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,880
And the problem is, even if it, 
even if from her perspective, it

359
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:12,800
comes across as encouragement, 
from his perspective, it's going

360
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:15,080
to come across as criticism. 
And worst of all, it's going to 

361
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:18,080
come across like he's failing 
the most important relationship 

362
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,600
in his life outside of himself, 
no matter how well intended that

363
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,360
message is. 
And so I tell these women all 

364
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,400
the time, it's not the message, 
it's the messenger. 

365
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:29,720
He has to feel like for him to 
be a healthy man, that you 

366
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,560
always have his back. 
And if you treat him like a 

367
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,320
king, often he'll start to act 
like a king. 

368
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:38,200
But that's your role as a woman 
in the relationship is to treat 

369
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,280
your man well and, and to make 
him feel like he's valuable and 

370
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,520
that he's important to the 
family is important to you. 

371
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:46,240
This man, men rise up to this. 
If you start making a man feel 

372
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:48,000
like he's important, he comes 
home with the end of the day and

373
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,440
you tell him how much you love 
him and how cool, even if he's 

374
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:51,960
fucked up a bunch of other 
things. 

375
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:54,320
You're like, baby, I know you 
struggle with this, but I love 

376
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:55,560
you. 
You're the most important person

377
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:57,360
in the world to me. 
And I just want you to know I 

378
00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:58,880
got your back. 
I know you're going through some

379
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,360
stuff. 
That man will resonate with that

380
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,680
type of message from his woman. 
He needs to go to his tribe to 

381
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,520
hear kind of that hard truth 
about where he needs to level up

382
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:10,119
because we can hear that stuff 
from other men and it doesn't 

383
00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:12,000
get us. 
It doesn't, it doesn't destroy 

384
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,960
our identity or or attack 
fundamentally who we are. 

385
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:18,440
Yeah, that the two words that 
come to me that because I know, 

386
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:21,480
like in my relationship where my
woman does two things, she does 

387
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,760
appreciate, she appreciates me 
and acknowledges me. 

388
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,760
I'm like, fucking right, I'm 
going out, going to take on the 

389
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:28,640
world. 
And it is it's the appreciation 

390
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:31,720
of what I do and how I show up 
and the acknowledgement. 

391
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:33,800
I noticed that you did that 
thing today. 

392
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:34,920
I really fucking appreciate 
that. 

393
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:36,320
That's like, I know I'm like, 
oh, good. 

394
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,320
She noticed that that's like, 
and I'm out and I'm off and I'm 

395
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,720
in my power. 
If those two things are missing,

396
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:45,560
it's yeah, it's difficult. 
Absolutely, when a man has a 

397
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:49,880
woman that is like that, a woman
that is, is showing him some 

398
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:52,960
form of unconditional love, you 
know, like no matter how you 

399
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,640
fucked up, I got your back, I'm 
here for you. 

400
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:56,840
I'm going to go through this 
with you. 

401
00:17:56,920 --> 00:18:00,040
And if he has a good tribe of 
brothers around him, that dude 

402
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:03,000
is he can run through walls. 
That guy is a guy that's going 

403
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,320
to be leveling up and his life 
is going to get put together and

404
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,320
he's going to be stepping into 
these roles naturally. 

405
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:11,200
That's that's what you want to 
foster in a relationship with a 

406
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:12,920
man. 
In my opinion, from a woman's 

407
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,800
point of view is to get him with
other good men and treat him 

408
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:19,360
like he's important. 
Yeah, yeah, one of the couple of

409
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:22,920
years ago I started this and it 
was a really fucking great move 

410
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,280
for me. 
One of the best places that I 

411
00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:27,720
actually started to find solid 
men was jiu jitsu, was starting 

412
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,760
MMA and I tinkered with it for a
while. 

413
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,680
I'd done a little bit of boxing,
but it felt a little bit 

414
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,800
singular. 
And I I tinkered with some other

415
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:36,360
like martial arts and I fell 
into jiu jitsu. 

416
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,600
One of the guys used to work for
me was the black belt and he's 

417
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,880
like, Pete, give it a go, mate. 
I think you really like it. 

418
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,720
And the community there was 
solid. 

419
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,760
And it is, it's a bunch of guys 
that are working on themselves 

420
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,520
and are putting themselves 
through some fucking hard times.

421
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:50,640
When you're rolling on a map 
with another guy, it's hard. 

422
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,560
But I, I noticed that the type 
of guys that go there, they all 

423
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:56,200
want more out of life. 
They're all, they're all, 

424
00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:59,400
they're all after growth and 
they're actively going into 

425
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:02,440
proper real discomfort. 
Not for me like going to the gym

426
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,800
now is not discomfort. 
I enjoy going to the gym. 

427
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,920
It's quite fucking easy. 
Going to the gym and pumpers and

428
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,600
weights quite easy. 
But going and doing something 

429
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:13,200
like that is uncomfortable and 
requires a bit of courage every 

430
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:16,680
day to go and do that. 
So I think like that's a quite 

431
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,160
important lesson for guys is go 
and find other guys that are 

432
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,640
doing things that are 
uncomfortable and push them out 

433
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,120
the comfort zone. 
Yeah, I say the exact same thing

434
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,400
to guys all the time because I 
get a lot of guys reaching out 

435
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,000
to me. 
I don't have a tribe, but where 

436
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,760
do I start? 
And we have coaching programs 

437
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:33,440
you can get on. 
There's a lot of people, guys 

438
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,320
out there, they're doing this, 
they're mentoring other men. 

439
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:37,560
So that's a good place to start.
But I tell guys always to start 

440
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,640
in the gym. 
Jiu jitsu is even better because

441
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,240
it's more uncomfortable, but I 
go to the gym and I do a lot of,

442
00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:45,080
a lot of training there. 
And I, I, I feel like I work out

443
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:48,040
harder than anybody else there. 
A lot of times people ask me 

444
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:51,240
like, what are you training for?
And I'm like, for life, Life 

445
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,800
comes at you hard, man. 
I, I'm trying to be in shape for

446
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,800
that. 
Or my other response is it's 

447
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,720
cheaper and better than therapy 
to get in the gym. 

448
00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:00,120
And there's a lot of reasons why
that's the case, but one of them

449
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:01,560
is because of the relationships 
you develop. 

450
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:04,880
Like I go to the gym, of course,
to work out and to keep myself 

451
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,120
healthy mentally, spiritually 
and physically. 

452
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:10,520
But it also becomes where you 
develop so much of your tribe, 

453
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,560
so many. 
Many of my best friends nowadays

454
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,920
have come from just showing up 
at the gym. 

455
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:16,600
And now we hang out outside the 
gym. 

456
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,600
But I have a whole tribe of guys
that I just see at the gym and I

457
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,360
love seeing them because these 
guys are leveling up. 

458
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:23,480
They're pushing themselves. 
And you're talking about stuff 

459
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,840
in between your sets and you're,
you know, you're, you're 

460
00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:30,360
building up this camaraderie And
it, it's I, I walk away every 

461
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:33,320
morning from my gym experience 
just feeling like I'm in back in

462
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,600
fighting shape, Like I can take 
on whatever the rest of the day 

463
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,600
has for me. 
Because that whole, that whole 

464
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:40,600
dynamic of being around other 
guys are working hard and doing 

465
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,160
stuff. 
It's synergistic. 

466
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,720
And peer pressure is real. 
Peer pressure works both ways. 

467
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,520
So if you're surrounding 
yourself with guys that are 

468
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:49,960
leveling up, guys are taking 
their, their masculinity 

469
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:53,680
seriously, you will naturally 
start to do the same thing. 

470
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:56,920
It just just wears off on you. 
And so starting there for a 

471
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:59,520
tribe is it is probably one of 
the best places. 

472
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:02,000
Maybe the most important place 
to start is by getting your ass 

473
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:04,360
in the gym, working out, taking 
control of things that you have 

474
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:06,200
control over, and then meeting 
other guys that are doing the 

475
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,960
same thing. 
Yeah, yeah. 

476
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:11,320
Back onto the relationship side,
I had a question for one of the 

477
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:14,320
guys this week. 
He's like my missus keeps asking

478
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:19,400
me to be more open with her and,
and, and share more with her and

479
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,680
essentially be more. 
She's like, you're not 

480
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:24,040
emotionally available. 
You're like a brick wall. 

481
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:25,600
She's like, you're like a brick 
wall. 

482
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:28,200
He's like Pete, what the fuck? 
He's like, what do I do? 

483
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:31,320
She's asking me to do that. 
And he goes, I feel like she's 

484
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:33,280
asking me how I feel. 
And she goes, he goes, I'm not, 

485
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:35,000
I'm generally not feeling 
anything. 

486
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,080
But she keeps asking me like, 
what am I feeling? 

487
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:39,720
And I'm like, well, I think 
there's a couple of things 

488
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:42,120
there. 
Number one, I'm like, dude, if 

489
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:45,920
your emotional capacity is that,
that's cool, right? 

490
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:49,360
And just like don't feel the 
need to be this super open and 

491
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:53,720
vulnerable guy if that's not who
you are like that. 

492
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,040
The emotional capacity is that, 
and maybe we could do some work 

493
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,880
with each other and we can open 
up a little bit more, but don't,

494
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:02,280
it doesn't need to be on like 
her timeline for you to be this 

495
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,600
super open, vulnerable guy 
tomorrow. 

496
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,200
And I think just let her know 
that nicely. 

497
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:10,480
Just let her know that, right. 
And I'm like, the second thing 

498
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:14,240
is if it's really, really 
important to her because she 

499
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,640
was, because he was like she's, 
she thinks I'll never think 

500
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,560
about her. 
But you guys, when I'm in work, 

501
00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:20,200
I really don't, I don't think 
about anything. 

502
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,200
I just work all day and like do 
it. 

503
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:25,320
If it's really, really important
to her, just set up a little bit

504
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,360
of a protocol. 
Because you're a discipline guy,

505
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:29,600
you're a logical guy. 
A little bit of a protocol that 

506
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,360
every few hours you have a 
little reminder on your phone. 

507
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:35,040
Just check in with the missus 
because it's, it's important to 

508
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,240
her, because you're a logical 
guy, protocol guy. 

509
00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:41,520
Just set up a little protocol, 
but what would you say to to to 

510
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:44,760
that for the guy that's coming 
in saying his missus wants him 

511
00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:47,520
to be more much? 
Yeah, and I hear this all the 

512
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:49,800
time and and I experience this 
sometimes in my own 

513
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:52,000
relationship. 
So first, I'd echo everything 

514
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,040
that you just said. 
I think that's that's spot on 

515
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:57,040
when a woman says she wants her 
man to be vulnerable or open or 

516
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,920
whatever form that comes in, 
because it can come in a lot of 

517
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,200
different, different ways that 
that's being said. 

518
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:03,960
I don't actually think it's 
about the man. 

519
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:06,880
I think it's about her. 
It's really what she needs and 

520
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:10,040
she's not feeling connected. 
It's not really about her 

521
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,840
wanting you to unload all of 
your drama and your emotions and

522
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:14,800
feelings on her, because the 
second you do that, she's gonna 

523
00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:17,040
lose respect for you for a lot 
of two reasons. 

524
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:19,040
Either because now she feels 
like she needs to be your mother

525
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,760
and she's gonna try and help you
and wipe your nose and tell you 

526
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:25,560
it's gonna be OK and and that's 
not attractive to a woman to be 

527
00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:27,680
a man's mother. 
Or it's gonna create a lot of 

528
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:30,040
anxiety in her. 
She's gonna see the real that 

529
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,400
you're going through in the real
world, this stuff that she has 

530
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:35,400
no control over, but she's 
gonna, she's going to experience

531
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:38,040
the consequences of and it's 
going to put her in a state of 

532
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:40,440
high anxiety. 
So really, when a woman says she

533
00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:42,920
needs to you to be open, what 
she's really saying is you need 

534
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:44,560
to spend some time connecting 
with her. 

535
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,400
She needs to get her emotions 
out. 

536
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:49,360
And so pause what you're doing 
and, and take some time to be 

537
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:52,240
present with her and to 
understand where she's coming 

538
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:56,160
from That that that's going to 
solve like 90% of the issue 

539
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,680
there with her feeling like 
you're not being vulnerable with

540
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,240
her because she's not really 
looking for that. 

541
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:03,240
She's looking for connection. 
And what you said is spot on. 

542
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:06,800
You know, make it a priority to 
communicate with her, not about 

543
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,520
all your feelings and your 
emotions, but checking in with 

544
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:11,800
her and making sure you're 
seeing how she's doing. 

545
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:14,080
And if you're doing that, if 
you're constantly checking in 

546
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:16,160
with her and seeing how she's 
doing and taking a barometer of 

547
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:18,960
that and spending time with her,
she's never going to ask you to 

548
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:22,080
be vulnerable or open up. 
In my opinion, my experience, 

549
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:25,800
what I've seen the man shouldn't
on a very basic level because my

550
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:30,000
job as a man is to protect the 
home that I'm trying to create. 

551
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,080
Like that's my job to provide 
and protect it. 

552
00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:35,760
That's primary purpose #1 to be 
the rock. 

553
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:38,760
You know, like to go out and 
make a place that's at peace, 

554
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:41,720
this home that I have, and to 
give that peace to my woman. 

555
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:44,120
That's the way I show her love 
and I show her differences. 

556
00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:46,960
I want her to be in a place of 
peace where she's not stressed 

557
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:49,880
because for a lot of reasons, 
one, because I love her and 

558
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:51,960
that's where I want her to be. 
And I feel like that's a duty. 

559
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,880
But because when I come home 
from whatever it is that's going

560
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:59,120
on outside, when I come home, if
she's at peace, it puts me at 

561
00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:01,120
peace. 
It makes me feel like I can go 

562
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:03,280
do this again. 
When I come home and she's, you 

563
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:06,760
know, giving me a hug and she's 
asking me how my day went and 

564
00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:09,240
I'm talking to her about her day
and everything feels tranquil. 

565
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:12,280
My house, man, all the crap from
that day. 

566
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:15,280
It it just, it kind of just 
dissipates and you can get 

567
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,520
yourself put back together and 
in fighting shape. 

568
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:20,240
But if you go home and destroy 
that piece, you won't have that.

569
00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:22,360
You know, you're not going to 
come home to a home that is 

570
00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:24,080
going to put you back together. 
You're going to come home to a 

571
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:27,560
place that's disrupted. 
So as a man, we're supposed to 

572
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:29,760
be stoic. 
We're supposed to be that rock. 

573
00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:32,960
Our women should feel like we we
are a rock that we're not a 

574
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:35,200
sandy foundation, something that
she can build on. 

575
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,240
And so again, I tell guys, if 
you're going through shit, you 

576
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:40,000
don't take it home and unload it
on your woman. 

577
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:42,520
You take that to the tribe. 
You're at the gym, you're in jiu

578
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:44,520
Jitsu, you're wherever that 
looks like and you're telling 

579
00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:46,680
your buddies about it. 
If you're really struggling with

580
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:49,640
stuff in the world, that's where
you go because one, those guys 

581
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:52,080
can help you, you know, they're 
going through the same thing and

582
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,560
they can actually like, like 
empathize with you. 

583
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:57,080
And most importantly, you're not
disrupting the peace that you're

584
00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:00,480
fighting to protect. 
You know, you, you're keeping 

585
00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:03,000
that safe and secure, which is 
where it should be, and giving 

586
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,240
your woman that sense of 
security that her man knows what

587
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:06,680
he's doing. 
He's taking care of shit. 

588
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:10,800
Yeah, yeah, you're right with 
the word, the word safety there.

589
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:14,480
Yes, as soon as you start 
bringing all your shit home, it 

590
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:18,280
rocks the boat, it rocks, it 
rocks the safety, it loses it 

591
00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:22,680
like I describe to my guys as 
you're the lighthouse and the 

592
00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:24,840
light. 
The lighthouse is fucking solid.

593
00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:26,800
It's all it's always there, 
right. 

594
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:30,160
And then and then the ocean is 
the chaos and the, the ocean is 

595
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:33,040
the is the chaos all around you,
whether that's like your 

596
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:35,840
relationship, it's the world, 
it's the fucking whatever you 

597
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:37,720
got. 
But you still, whatever fucking 

598
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:38,960
going on, we've got to stay 
solid. 

599
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:41,760
And there's going to be storms 
still. 

600
00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:43,360
We still got to be the solid 
lighthouse. 

601
00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:46,600
And the day that you fucking 
start bringing all your shit and

602
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:49,600
you start, the lighthouse are 
going to crumble and then no 

603
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:52,200
one's going to trust you. 
I can't tell you how many guys 

604
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:54,880
have told me this when when you 
talk about this on social media,

605
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:58,120
guys that have reached out to me
and said that's exactly why my 

606
00:26:58,120 --> 00:27:01,040
relationship fell apart. 
As soon as I started bringing 

607
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:03,400
home my shit, as soon as I 
started unloading my emotions at

608
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:06,880
home, the attraction for my wife
went away from my wife to me 

609
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:08,840
went away. 
My home wasn't a piece anymore. 

610
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,200
And eventually that led us down 
a rabbit hole that we never got 

611
00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:13,680
back out of. 
And it takes a lot of discipline

612
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,400
and it takes a lot of 
self-awareness from men to 

613
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:20,480
restrain themselves because we 
do have that innately inside of 

614
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:23,000
us, that little boy that's 
looking for a mother, like we 

615
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,960
have that as part of our psyche.
It's how we were raised. 

616
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,080
There's a reason why there's 
such a bond between boys and 

617
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:31,000
their mothers because a mother 
is is the only place that 

618
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,160
they're ever going to experience
unconditional love. 

619
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:35,680
And I think there's a part of us
psychologically that want to get

620
00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:37,960
back to that where we have just 
unconditional love. 

621
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:42,160
But that is an unrealistic and 
an unfair expectation to put on 

622
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:45,080
a woman that you're in a 
relationship with because one, 

623
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,600
it it's not rational. 
Love is conditional. 

624
00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:50,160
Now I get pushed back on this, 
but love is always conditional 

625
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:52,040
outside of a parent loving their
child. 

626
00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:53,760
Yeah. 
That you can say all day long 

627
00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:55,760
that you love your spouse 
unconditionally, but the truth 

628
00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:57,680
is, if your spouse starts 
cheating on you, if your spouse 

629
00:27:57,680 --> 00:28:00,080
starts abusing you, your 
partner, that love is 

630
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:01,720
conditional. 
It's conditional on certain 

631
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:04,600
levels of behavior. 
And that's a healthy thing. 

632
00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:08,080
Accountability is what saves 
relationships more than anything

633
00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:10,440
else. 
It's a sense of like, if I don't

634
00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:13,440
step up, if I don't turn up like
this relationship, I could lose 

635
00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:16,080
this relationship. 
That's going to change behavior 

636
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:18,960
more than anything else. 
And so it's not that you go in a

637
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:21,440
relationship hanging that over 
the other person's head while if

638
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:22,680
you mess up, I'm going to leave 
you. 

639
00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:25,280
But it is having real 
communication with each other 

640
00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:28,240
about what is expected, what the
boundaries are, what your 

641
00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:30,440
guys''s mission is together, 
what you're trying to accomplish

642
00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:32,040
and holding each other 
accountable to that. 

643
00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:34,480
And I've seen a lot of 
relationships, even within my 

644
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:38,600
own family, where when one of 
the people in that relationship,

645
00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:41,400
the husband or the wife was 
willing to leave, the behavior 

646
00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:43,760
of the other person changed 
because there was a degree of 

647
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:45,720
accountability. 
And kind of going off on a 

648
00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:49,840
tangent here, but the point is, 
is that as men, we cannot put 

649
00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:52,800
ever our significant other in 
the position of being our 

650
00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:54,720
mother. 
And on any level, even though 

651
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,160
there's a strong desire to have 
that kind of unconditional love 

652
00:28:57,160 --> 00:28:59,920
from our youth to feel like 
we're, we're, we're safe too 

653
00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:01,600
because we're getting our asses 
kicked every day. 

654
00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:03,040
That's not the role of being a 
man. 

655
00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:04,400
That's not what it means to be a
man. 

656
00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:07,120
That's what a boy does. 
Yeah, absolutely. 

657
00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:09,000
It fucking is. 
And what you just said there 

658
00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:12,280
about, you know, there's someone
going to leave and the other 

659
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:14,880
person then stepped is because 
of the consequence. 

660
00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:17,600
It's like there's a boundary 
because if there's no if there's

661
00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:19,800
no consequences to boundaries, 
it's just like, well, they could

662
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:23,520
just consider be stepped over in
a relationship over stepped 

663
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:25,360
over, stepped over and then 
there's no respect there. 

664
00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:28,040
Whereas if there is a 
consequence to a boundary being 

665
00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:31,600
crossed and the consequences 
held, then there's going to be 

666
00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:32,960
respect. 
And that's and it. 

667
00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:35,680
And it goes back to kind of what
you said at the very start about

668
00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:37,880
what it means, partly what it 
means to be a man is. 

669
00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:40,400
And that's not you can't be 
controlled. 

670
00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:42,800
Yeah, and and that you were 
willing to leave. 

671
00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:44,920
I mean, ultimately that's what 
accountability looks like in a 

672
00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:47,640
relationship is that you, you 
can have all kinds of other 

673
00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:50,080
forms of accountability, but the
ultimate accountability is that 

674
00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:53,080
if this relationship is not 
healthy, then I'm and it and it 

675
00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:55,000
can't get healthy. 
Somebody's not working on 

676
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:57,160
they're willing to take 
accountability, then it's over, 

677
00:29:57,320 --> 00:30:00,000
you know, and you want to get to
that punch line sooner rather 

678
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,400
than later. 
So rather than floundering in a 

679
00:30:02,520 --> 00:30:05,520
relationship that you're 
essentially just alone in and 

680
00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:12,200
you're in a relationship and 
title only it it it's about I 

681
00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:14,640
just lost my train of thought. 
Shoot, I had some I had some 

682
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:16,480
fire for you, Peter. 
I was about to drop it on you 

683
00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:20,360
where it'll come back to be. 
It'll come back, it'll come 

684
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:22,000
back. 
What would you over the last, So

685
00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:24,960
over the last couple of years 
you've you've gone deeper into 

686
00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:30,120
this, this world of men, right? 
And I suppose you personally 

687
00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:32,560
would have gone for a lot of 
fucking lessons yourself, a lot 

688
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:35,160
of growth there. 
I know, I know I have like loads

689
00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:38,080
and loads of personal lessons. 
Like I'm like all the guys that 

690
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:39,360
come in. 
I'm like, dude, I'm not even 

691
00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:41,800
that far ahead of your mate. 
I'm like, I learned that lesson 

692
00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:44,440
fucking three months ago, right.
What's been the biggest lesson 

693
00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:46,560
for you over the last couple of 
years in your personal work as a

694
00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:48,480
man? 
Well, so actually you reminded 

695
00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:50,840
me what I was just about to say 
about this idea of 

696
00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:52,280
accountability. 
And this is probably one of the 

697
00:30:52,280 --> 00:30:55,400
most important lessons for 
probably the most important 

698
00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:59,240
lesson that I learned for my 
first marriage and how to make a

699
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:02,640
second relationship, marriage 
that I'm in now work much better

700
00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:05,600
than the first one is, is this 
idea of accountability. 

701
00:31:05,600 --> 00:31:09,080
So I was my first marriage, I 
had been conditioned by family 

702
00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:12,040
and by culture and by church and
by everybody else that when you 

703
00:31:12,040 --> 00:31:13,840
got married, you just stayed in 
it forever. 

704
00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:15,880
And I really believed that 
that's what you did. 

705
00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:18,360
And as a man, you're, you know, 
you took whatever amounts of 

706
00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:21,280
abuse you had to take just to 
keep the relationship alive, 

707
00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:24,120
particularly when you had kids, 
because now you really have a 

708
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:26,040
sacred responsibility to turn up
for them. 

709
00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:28,880
And but I because of that, 
because I've been conditioned to

710
00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:31,880
think that way, I didn't hold 
accountability in that 

711
00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:34,480
relationship. 
And about halfway we were, we 

712
00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:37,240
were married in my first 
marriage for 8 1/2 years ish. 

713
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:40,000
And halfway through that we 
ended up going to a marriage 

714
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:41,960
counselor. 
It was just, it was almost bad 

715
00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:43,840
from day one and it never got 
good. 

716
00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:45,560
And we started going to this 
marriage counselor who was a 

717
00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:47,880
female and ironically had been 
divorced. 

718
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:51,160
And I thought going there, man, 
that's going to be two on one, 

719
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:53,360
you know, two, I'm going to get 
eviscerated. 

720
00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:55,960
And I'm like, you know, whatever
it takes to try and make this 

721
00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:57,480
something better out of what we 
got. 

722
00:31:57,480 --> 00:32:00,160
I'm willing to take my hits on 
the chin, but I thought I was 

723
00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:02,360
going to get it, go in there and
get get blasted. 

724
00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:04,880
After the first session she 
separated us. 

725
00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:06,760
She, we couldn't even get 
through a first session without 

726
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:08,560
just quarreling and fighting the
whole time. 

727
00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:11,400
So she separates us and she's 
like next week we're going to do

728
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:14,200
2 different sessions, 11 for her
and one for me. 

729
00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:17,080
And I sat down in the first 
session with her that next week 

730
00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:18,560
and I thought, man, I'm going to
get it. 

731
00:32:18,560 --> 00:32:21,400
And the first thing she said to 
me, she said, this isn't your 

732
00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:22,960
fault. 
She says not your fault. 

733
00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:25,000
And I wasn't really prepared to 
hear that. 

734
00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:27,680
I was so, like, taken back 
because nobody ever told me that

735
00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:29,880
I'd always been conditioned that
everything was my fault from 

736
00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:32,480
pretty much every facet, you 
know, is my responsibility. 

737
00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:34,440
And but it was she. 
She was saying that, but it was 

738
00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:38,040
only partly true because the 
next thing she said was that the

739
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:40,920
only chance she had of helping 
us come together, as if there 

740
00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:43,120
was some real accountability. 
And she essentially not 

741
00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:45,960
essentially, she literally said,
if you're not willing to divorce

742
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:48,280
her, there's no chance I can 
bring her to the table. 

743
00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:50,200
Yeah. 
And so she in one hand, she was 

744
00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:52,000
saying it's not your fault, but 
on the other hand, she was 

745
00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:55,160
making clear it actually was. 
I wasn't holding accountability.

746
00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:57,880
I wasn't willing to say, look, 
this isn't working for me and 

747
00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:00,040
you are. 
It's become so chronic in our 

748
00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:02,120
relationship. 
This relationship isn't working 

749
00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:04,120
anymore. 
And I wasn't willing to do that 

750
00:33:04,280 --> 00:33:06,200
again because of all the 
programming conditioning that I 

751
00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:07,680
had. 
I was like, hey, I can't leave. 

752
00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:09,520
I got kids now. 
There's no chance. 

753
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:11,280
I'll just stay in this. 
I'll be the captain that goes 

754
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:14,040
down with the ship, whatever, 
you know, it takes to just make 

755
00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:16,920
sure that I'm not like it 
abandoning my responsibilities 

756
00:33:16,920 --> 00:33:19,000
as a father or hurting my kids 
in any way. 

757
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:22,000
But she proved to be prophetic. 
And you know, four years later, 

758
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:23,800
we were going through a divorce,
nothing changed. 

759
00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:26,400
There was no accountability. 
So when you're asking me, what 

760
00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:29,480
lesson did I learn? 
That was the most important one 

761
00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:31,520
that I, I learned from that 
relationship. 

762
00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:33,680
And I went into this, this my 
marriage now. 

763
00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:36,000
And when we started getting 
serious and we were talking 

764
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:39,320
about tying the knot, we had 
some really clear communication 

765
00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:41,000
with each other. 
And I said that was one of the 

766
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:44,080
things I communicated to her as 
I said that you look, I, I love 

767
00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:45,520
you enough that I'm ready to get
remarried. 

768
00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:46,760
I never thought I was going to 
get remarried. 

769
00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:49,520
And again, I, I love you enough 
that I'm let's consider this and

770
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:52,160
talk about it. 
I need you to know that if if 

771
00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:55,920
you ever feel like it's OK to 
disrespect me or to be dishonest

772
00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:58,600
with me or to not hold 
accountability for yourself in 

773
00:33:58,600 --> 00:34:00,800
this relationship, then I'm not 
going to be in this 

774
00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:01,800
relationship. 
I'll leave. 

775
00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:04,640
I'm not ever going to stay in a 
relationship where the other 

776
00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:07,280
person isn't coming to the table
trying to work on it with you. 

777
00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:10,199
And particularly if they feel 
comfortable being disrespectful 

778
00:34:10,199 --> 00:34:11,719
to you, I'll just leave. 
And she was. 

779
00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:13,960
It wasn't an ultimatum. 
It wasn't me saying you have to 

780
00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:16,159
do XY and Z. 
It went, it's a two way St. 

781
00:34:16,159 --> 00:34:18,639
It goes both ways. 
But I needed her to understand 

782
00:34:18,639 --> 00:34:22,719
that was my boundary, that I 
respect myself enough now, my 

783
00:34:22,719 --> 00:34:25,800
relationship with myself was 
healthy enough now that I was 

784
00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:28,920
never going to allow somebody 
else to give me disrespect. 

785
00:34:29,120 --> 00:34:30,880
I would just leave if that 
happened. 

786
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:33,480
And it set a completely 
different tone for our 

787
00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:36,199
relationship. 
Like it is night and day 

788
00:34:36,199 --> 00:34:37,840
difference. 
And that's not the only reason. 

789
00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:39,679
I mean, I picked differently and
there's a whole bunch of other 

790
00:34:39,679 --> 00:34:43,320
factors, but I've had to hold 
that line with her a couple of 

791
00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:44,880
times. 
You know, as women are going to 

792
00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:46,679
give you shit, tests are going 
to see how much they can trust 

793
00:34:46,679 --> 00:34:47,840
you. 
They're going to see how how 

794
00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:49,920
solid you are. 
And women are programmed to kind

795
00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:51,760
of probe and see where the 
weaknesses are of their men. 

796
00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:54,400
They do it subconsciously, but 
every, almost every woman that I

797
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:58,520
know on the planet does this and
and you just have to be prepared

798
00:34:58,520 --> 00:35:01,040
for that as a man that that's 
going to come and you and how 

799
00:35:01,040 --> 00:35:03,960
you handle those shit tests is 
going to determine so much how 

800
00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:06,400
that relationship goes. 
I want to share one other story 

801
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,600
real quick, if that's OK, 
because this one was just like 

802
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:11,960
drives this point home. 
I was listening to a podcast 

803
00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:15,480
like 3 or 4 years ago and the 
guy was talking about how they 

804
00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:18,080
had these this couples group of 
friends and one of the couples 

805
00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:20,600
was going through a divorce. 
And everybody in the group knew 

806
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:23,320
that the woman was just 
absolutely toxic to this guy. 

807
00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:26,120
Just emasculated him, talk badly
about him, treated him really 

808
00:35:26,120 --> 00:35:27,960
poorly. 
And they knew the reason why the

809
00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:30,480
marriage was dissolving was 
because she treated him really 

810
00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:32,600
really poorly. 
She stayed in the friend group 

811
00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:34,960
and I guess the guy kind of left
and eventually she was getting 

812
00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:36,880
remarried. 
And so all this group of friends

813
00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:39,760
like, great, is she going to do 
the same thing to this guy that 

814
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:42,480
she did to her first husband? 
And after their honeymoon, he's 

815
00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:45,280
telling this story after their 
honeymoon, she starts treating 

816
00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:46,960
him like she treated her first 
husband. 

817
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:49,120
She starts being dismisses about
dismiss above him and 

818
00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:51,480
interrogating him, nagging at 
him, criticizing him. 

819
00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:54,920
And he immediately in this this 
interaction when she's doing 

820
00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:56,280
this, he immediately goes 
upstairs. 

821
00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:58,400
He just separates himself from 
it, doesn't engage in it, 

822
00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:00,640
doesn't rationalize with it, 
doesn't try to understand where 

823
00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:02,760
she's coming from. 
She's intentionally being 

824
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:05,000
disrespectful. 
And so he just goes upstairs. 

825
00:36:05,160 --> 00:36:07,720
Well, she kind of huffs and 
puffs and paces downstairs for a

826
00:36:07,720 --> 00:36:09,760
while and then she comes 
upstairs and they've been 

827
00:36:09,760 --> 00:36:12,840
married for like less than two 
weeks and he's packing his 

828
00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:14,680
stuff. 
She's like, what are you doing? 

829
00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:15,960
And he's like, I'm leaving, I'm 
sorry. 

830
00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:18,440
I made AI made a huge mistake. 
This isn't going to work. 

831
00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:20,800
I, you know, I, I thought we had
a kind of a different dynamic 

832
00:36:20,800 --> 00:36:21,920
here. 
I, I'm not going to be in a 

833
00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:24,120
relationship where I'm 
disrespected, so I'm leaving. 

834
00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:25,720
I'm sorry. 
We, we made a big mistake. 

835
00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:28,240
And she's begging like, no, no, 
no, no, no, let's, let's, let's 

836
00:36:28,240 --> 00:36:29,840
give me another chance. 
Let's work on this. 

837
00:36:30,040 --> 00:36:32,200
And he finally acquiesces and 
he's like, OK, well, we'll, 

838
00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:34,760
we'll give this one more chance.
Well, the guy telling the story 

839
00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:36,880
on the podcast is like 20-3 
years later. 

840
00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:39,560
They have this really healthy 
relationship that's totally good

841
00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:41,440
together. 
They got this vibrant, happy, 

842
00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:44,280
healthy relationship. 
And there's a lot of lessons to 

843
00:36:44,280 --> 00:36:46,200
learn from that. 
But the one, the first lesson to

844
00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:49,200
learn is that you as a man, 
contrary to what my marriage 

845
00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:52,960
counselor told me, you as a man 
are responsible for what's going

846
00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:55,360
on in your relationship. 
You have to take extreme 

847
00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:57,400
ownership of that. 
You have to own the fact that 

848
00:36:57,400 --> 00:36:59,920
the energy in that relationship 
comes from you, and you have to 

849
00:36:59,920 --> 00:37:01,760
lead that. 
So either you have to hold 

850
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:04,680
accountability with a woman so 
that she understands that her 

851
00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:07,800
behavior, if it's toxic, isn't 
going to be tolerated by you. 

852
00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:11,240
You have to hold that boundary 
where you're willing to leave if

853
00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:14,560
if she's not willing to change 
that, and that's the best chance

854
00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:16,160
you have. 
Ultimately, having a healthy 

855
00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:19,040
relationship is to have that 
type of accountability baked 

856
00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:22,200
into the fabric of it. 
Yeah, fucking powerful stories, 

857
00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:24,080
man. 
I made the same fucking mistakes

858
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:28,000
and, and, and what you said 
there actually everything came 

859
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:31,840
back to what the man says no to,
not what he says yes to. 

860
00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:33,920
And I think that's where that's 
where I fucked it up. 

861
00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:36,400
It's like I had, I had, I had 
high standards. 

862
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:39,080
I've always had high standards. 
My high standards were the 

863
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:41,200
things that I wanted, the things
I was saying yes to. 

864
00:37:41,840 --> 00:37:44,960
What I didn't have was no, these
are the things I just won't 

865
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:47,240
fucking tolerate the things I 
say no to. 

866
00:37:47,240 --> 00:37:49,760
And I learned that very recently
actually, is that my standards 

867
00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:54,440
are what I say no to, not all 
these great things that I 

868
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:56,720
fucking want in life. 
No, that's what I fucking say no

869
00:37:56,720 --> 00:37:58,560
to. 
Because when you don't have 

870
00:37:58,560 --> 00:38:00,800
that, you just betray self 
betrayal. 

871
00:38:00,840 --> 00:38:03,000
You betray yourself. 
Yeah, that's a huge insight you 

872
00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:04,840
just gave me, the way you 
articulated that. 

873
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:07,600
I love that your standards are 
what you say no to, not what you

874
00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:09,840
say yes to, and that applies so 
much. 

875
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:12,360
The conversation we're having 
right now in a relationship is 

876
00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:14,960
what you are willing to tolerate
ultimately is what your 

877
00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:16,240
relationship is going to look 
like. 

878
00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:18,400
If you're willing to tolerate 
it, your relationship is going 

879
00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:20,280
to become that. 
You can't love a woman into 

880
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:22,360
loving you back. 
You can't be nice enough to a 

881
00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:24,880
woman in into loving her back, 
let having her love you back. 

882
00:38:25,040 --> 00:38:27,800
You can't provide well enough 
for her into her loving you 

883
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:29,800
back. 
She's only going to love a man 

884
00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:32,040
that loves himself. 
And that means a man that has 

885
00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:34,440
boundaries for himself and a man
that ultimately is willing to 

886
00:38:34,440 --> 00:38:37,320
walk away from a relationship if
it's if there's these chronic 

887
00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:41,000
aspects to it of, of disrespect 
or dishonesty or deflection. 

888
00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:43,800
Those are the three poison pills
in any relationship and you'll 

889
00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:46,640
never build a relationship if 
one or more of those are 

890
00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:48,400
prevalent in it. 
You never will. 

891
00:38:48,720 --> 00:38:49,920
It will never get off the 
ground. 

892
00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:52,920
And so, you know, what's really 
hard is so many men have already

893
00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:56,240
gone down this path for so long,
it's almost impossible to 

894
00:38:56,240 --> 00:38:59,640
resuscitate it once it's gotten 
really, you know, like I said 

895
00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:01,880
earlier, really like built into 
the fabric of that relationship.

896
00:39:01,880 --> 00:39:04,240
So hard to change that dynamic 
as possible. 

897
00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:06,200
It's just really hard. 
So it's important that you learn

898
00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:07,520
to do this right from the 
beginning. 

899
00:39:07,520 --> 00:39:09,800
You know, like at the inception 
of a relationship, like hold 

900
00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:11,920
these standards. 
Like that guy in the podcast 

901
00:39:11,920 --> 00:39:14,200
story where he's just like, oh 
man, I'm sorry, I'm at home. 

902
00:39:14,200 --> 00:39:16,040
Like I didn't realize I made 
this mistake. 

903
00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:18,320
I got a I've got to separate 
from this because I won't I 

904
00:39:18,320 --> 00:39:19,960
won't stay in this type of 
relationship. 

905
00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:22,800
Yeah, and that the, the other 
lesson there is that these 

906
00:39:22,800 --> 00:39:25,840
standards are fucking hard. 
Like that's not easy to hold 

907
00:39:25,840 --> 00:39:29,200
that like that guy, he's just 
got married, right? 

908
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:31,320
For him to get married, like 
there's there's something going 

909
00:39:31,320 --> 00:39:32,800
to be deep and meaningful. 
That's him. 

910
00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:36,440
But for him to go, no, I'm out. 
That's not yet. 

911
00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:38,760
That may have been a quick 
decision, but that's not an 

912
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:41,160
easy, that's a hard fucking 
decision to make. 

913
00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:43,160
These things are hard to carry 
out. 

914
00:39:43,600 --> 00:39:45,960
It's the easier thing is to go. 
I'll just let that slip. 

915
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:47,800
Yeah, she I know she 
disrespected me, but I'll just 

916
00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:49,960
let it slide. 
This is the easier thing to do. 

917
00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:53,760
Just to brush it. 
But long term, this well self, 

918
00:39:53,880 --> 00:39:56,640
you betray yourself because 
you're allowing yourself to be 

919
00:39:56,640 --> 00:39:59,600
disrespected. 
It's so easy to fall in love and

920
00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:03,120
it's it's easy, like you said, 
to let things sweep them under 

921
00:40:03,120 --> 00:40:05,920
the rug to keep the peace or let
it roll off your back. 

922
00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:07,200
But nothing ever rolls off your 
back. 

923
00:40:07,200 --> 00:40:09,200
Everything gets stored. 
Those are those are the easy 

924
00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:12,280
things to do, the hard part of a
relationship and where 

925
00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:14,440
relationships are really lasted.
Just holding boundaries. 

926
00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:17,800
And an example of that is like I
had with my wife now and she's 

927
00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:19,240
amazing. 
She's the best person I know on 

928
00:40:19,240 --> 00:40:22,040
the planet. 
Like I, I cannot sing her praise

929
00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:24,040
enough. 
She is just absolutely amazing. 

930
00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:25,800
She's not here. 
So I'm not saying this so she 

931
00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:27,920
can hear me. 
I'm just saying this because 

932
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:30,760
it's, it's just true. 
Like she is the best human being

933
00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:33,520
that I know on this planet. 
But early on in our relationship

934
00:40:33,520 --> 00:40:35,760
there, and I won't discuss 
specifically what it was, but 

935
00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:37,640
there was something that was 
happening that she was crossing 

936
00:40:37,640 --> 00:40:39,800
my boundary, one of the 
boundaries I had that we had 

937
00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:42,120
communicated and it was prior to
us getting married. 

938
00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:44,280
So I'd had a communication with 
her about it, said hey, this is 

939
00:40:44,280 --> 00:40:45,360
just something doesn't work for 
me. 

940
00:40:45,360 --> 00:40:46,600
She understood where it's coming
from. 

941
00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:48,760
OK, I get it. 
The I, I understand why that 

942
00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:50,040
doesn't work. 
Whatever. 

943
00:40:50,040 --> 00:40:53,040
We have these communications. 
Well, after we got married, it 

944
00:40:53,040 --> 00:40:56,200
happened again. 
There was a 1/3 time that this 

945
00:40:56,200 --> 00:40:58,480
came up and we hadn't been 
married very long either. 

946
00:40:58,600 --> 00:41:01,400
I think we've been married for 
like two or three months and I'm

947
00:41:01,400 --> 00:41:04,320
on a work trip and I'm with my 
business partner. 

948
00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:06,760
I wasn't standing next to him, 
but I'm, I'm calling her. 

949
00:41:07,080 --> 00:41:10,120
I'm like, look, this, I'm sorry,
this marriage isn't going to 

950
00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:11,960
work. 
Like I, it was similar kind of 

951
00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:14,040
this podcast story. 
I said this, this isn't going to

952
00:41:14,040 --> 00:41:16,160
work. 
It was the hardest thing to say 

953
00:41:16,160 --> 00:41:19,720
because I love this woman like 
and she's amazing. 

954
00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:22,440
But there was a boundary that 
hadn't been crossed once or 

955
00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:24,240
twice. 
It was now three times. 

956
00:41:24,240 --> 00:41:25,720
That's where it starts to become
chronic. 

957
00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:29,880
And so I was like, because of my
first marriage, I was like, OK, 

958
00:41:29,920 --> 00:41:31,440
you know, this is only going to 
get worse. 

959
00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:33,680
So I need to, I need to separate
from this. 

960
00:41:33,840 --> 00:41:35,800
And when I came home, it was 
kind of a similar experience. 

961
00:41:35,800 --> 00:41:37,440
I got home from this work trip 
the next day. 

962
00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:41,000
It was a completely different 
energy there when we talked 

963
00:41:41,000 --> 00:41:43,520
about it the third time. 
And it was kind of like that 

964
00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:47,000
podcast where I now felt the 
real sincerity from her that 

965
00:41:47,000 --> 00:41:48,640
this was never going to happen 
again. 

966
00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:52,080
And it never has happened again.
And it changed the entire 

967
00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:54,560
direction of that relationship. 
Because if I just thought, oh, 

968
00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:56,960
we've just been married, this is
really embarrassing. 

969
00:41:56,960 --> 00:41:59,520
If I'm going through a second 
divorce after three months, it's

970
00:41:59,520 --> 00:42:01,600
mud on my face. 
I look like an idiot, like I 

971
00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:04,600
can't make wise decisions. 
And I mean, now I'm divorced 

972
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:06,000
twice. 
That's a stigma I'm going to 

973
00:42:06,000 --> 00:42:08,240
carry for the rest of my life. 
This is not an easy thing to get

974
00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:11,120
your mind around to your point. 
But because I was willing to 

975
00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:14,360
hold that boundary, we have this
amazing marriage. 

976
00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:16,920
Like, it's just phenomenal. 
And I know that if I hadn't held

977
00:42:16,920 --> 00:42:20,360
that boundary, it wouldn't have 
been just that thing that 

978
00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:22,280
started getting crossed. 
That would have led to other 

979
00:42:22,280 --> 00:42:24,000
things getting crossed. 
And I would have done the same 

980
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:26,520
thing just like, sweeping under 
the rug and tend like, 

981
00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:28,760
everything's OK. 
And then you wake up one day and

982
00:42:28,760 --> 00:42:30,400
you're like, dude, this marriage
isn't working. 

983
00:42:30,400 --> 00:42:31,640
I'm miserable. 
She's miserable. 

984
00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:33,480
Nobody's happy. 
This is really unhealthy. 

985
00:42:33,840 --> 00:42:35,760
Now, what do you do? 
You know, it's a terrible place 

986
00:42:35,760 --> 00:42:37,720
to be. 
So it starts just early on. 

987
00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:40,200
It's what you say no to. 
And this was something I had to 

988
00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:42,040
draw a line. 
I was literally coming home from

989
00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:43,240
my work trip, like, I'm going to
leave. 

990
00:42:43,240 --> 00:42:44,960
And I love this girl. 
This is the coolest girl I've 

991
00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:48,000
ever met my entire life. 
But I know where this goes now. 

992
00:42:48,000 --> 00:42:50,400
After 8 1/2 years of a failed 
marriage, I know exactly the 

993
00:42:50,400 --> 00:42:52,400
direction this goes up. 
I don't hold this line right 

994
00:42:52,400 --> 00:42:54,680
now. 
Yeah, yeah, I went through this 

995
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:56,600
very similar pattern with my 
ex-wife. 

996
00:42:56,840 --> 00:42:59,760
Very, very similar pattern. 
And I think unfortunately for so

997
00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:03,120
many guys is that we don't 
because there's there's no one 

998
00:43:03,120 --> 00:43:06,080
there to teach the lessons to 
say, hey, man, fucking don't 

999
00:43:06,080 --> 00:43:09,080
tolerate that, right? 
Or, or, or you're told, hey, 

1000
00:43:09,080 --> 00:43:11,360
dude, don't tolerate it. 
But then they tolerate it anyway

1001
00:43:11,640 --> 00:43:14,400
until you go through something 
like a divorce. 

1002
00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:17,120
You go through the pain, you go 
through adversity. 

1003
00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:20,640
And then you, unfortunately, it 
takes that to fucking begin to 

1004
00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:23,000
learn these lessons. 
Yeah, and it's it's, it's 

1005
00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:27,240
important to recognize that like
for a lot of guys, the the the 

1006
00:43:27,240 --> 00:43:30,200
fear for them is that if they 
hold a boundary, the 

1007
00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:31,880
relationships going to come to 
an end. 

1008
00:43:31,880 --> 00:43:33,960
Like I was saying, right? 
That's that's the fear. 

1009
00:43:33,960 --> 00:43:36,680
And so it's like do anything to 
keep the relationship alive 

1010
00:43:36,680 --> 00:43:39,080
because they don't understand 
where we started at the 

1011
00:43:39,080 --> 00:43:40,840
beginning of this podcast. 
They don't understand their 

1012
00:43:40,840 --> 00:43:43,640
primary purpose is to be the 
best version of themselves. 

1013
00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:46,760
That's the primary purpose is 
not to be in a relationship. 

1014
00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:49,160
And that's great if you can get 
in a healthy relationship makes 

1015
00:43:49,160 --> 00:43:50,840
everything better. 
It makes your life better and 

1016
00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:53,000
you're feeling other purposes of
raising a family. 

1017
00:43:53,000 --> 00:43:56,000
But your primary purpose starts 
with you being a man and knowing

1018
00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:58,600
what it means to be a man. 
And that means boundaries and 

1019
00:43:58,600 --> 00:44:02,840
that means self respect. 
And if you don't have that, 

1020
00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:03,920
you're going to be living in 
hell. 

1021
00:44:03,920 --> 00:44:06,400
And so a lot of guys will for 
the sake of keeping the peace 

1022
00:44:06,400 --> 00:44:09,160
and not losing the relationship 
and going through what that 

1023
00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:12,440
crisis will look like, we'll 
stay in a really toxic marriage.

1024
00:44:12,440 --> 00:44:16,200
But it is, there is so much 
happiness on the other side of 

1025
00:44:16,200 --> 00:44:18,760
something that like, like that, 
you have to go through a really 

1026
00:44:18,760 --> 00:44:21,560
hard process to separate 
whatever your relationship looks

1027
00:44:21,560 --> 00:44:23,600
like. 
Separations are never easy, but 

1028
00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:26,440
if you're willing to go through 
that, you can get to a much 

1029
00:44:26,440 --> 00:44:29,920
better place really quickly. 
Like life can get a lot better. 

1030
00:44:29,920 --> 00:44:32,760
And so it's not the end if your 
marriage falls apart. 

1031
00:44:32,840 --> 00:44:34,680
Now, I'm a big proponent of 
monogamy. 

1032
00:44:34,680 --> 00:44:36,880
I'm a huge proponent of staying,
taking care of your 

1033
00:44:36,880 --> 00:44:39,400
responsibilities, taking 
especially your children, 

1034
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:41,240
showing up for them. 
I'm not saying this is a get out

1035
00:44:41,240 --> 00:44:43,960
of jail free card for guys to 
just act irresponsible. 

1036
00:44:44,160 --> 00:44:47,600
But if you're in a situation 
where the behavior of your 

1037
00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:52,240
spouse is not changing and, and 
she or he is unwilling to make 

1038
00:44:52,240 --> 00:44:54,520
those changes, then you're just 
going to live in hell for the 

1039
00:44:54,520 --> 00:44:56,920
rest of your life. 
And that's that's the outcome. 

1040
00:44:57,000 --> 00:45:00,040
You got to be prepared to own up
to that and say, hey, I'm worth 

1041
00:45:00,040 --> 00:45:02,280
more than this and there is hope
on the other side of this 

1042
00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:04,920
relationship and I don't need to
stay in this place where I'm 

1043
00:45:04,920 --> 00:45:07,240
just being disrespected or 
abused or whatever that looks 

1044
00:45:07,240 --> 00:45:09,280
like. 
Yeah, yeah, it's an unfortunate 

1045
00:45:09,280 --> 00:45:10,800
position for a lot of guys. 
So it is. 

1046
00:45:10,800 --> 00:45:13,920
It starts with building your own
self respect, your own self 

1047
00:45:13,920 --> 00:45:15,720
worth. 
Adam, appreciate you, man. 

1048
00:45:16,080 --> 00:45:19,480
Let's we're at time and they got
me into Dash 2, so let's call 

1049
00:45:19,480 --> 00:45:20,480
it. 
But fucking quality 

1050
00:45:20,480 --> 00:45:21,680
conversation, man. 
I appreciate you. 

1051
00:45:21,680 --> 00:45:23,880
Where can the guys listening to 
this? 

1052
00:45:23,920 --> 00:45:26,120
Where can I find you? 
Check us out on social media and

1053
00:45:26,120 --> 00:45:28,200
I'm already official on all the 
platforms. 

1054
00:45:28,200 --> 00:45:30,760
Love to have you come be part of
the party and love to hear from 

1055
00:45:30,760 --> 00:45:32,640
you in the comments sections or 
any DMS. 

1056
00:45:32,640 --> 00:45:35,560
I'm slow on my DMS because I get
a lot of them these days, but I 

1057
00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:37,480
always reply to them. 
So if you reach out to me with 

1058
00:45:37,480 --> 00:45:39,480
something that you're going 
through, I'll get back to you. 

1059
00:45:39,480 --> 00:45:42,480
I think this is, you know, I, 
this is my, my labour of love. 

1060
00:45:42,480 --> 00:45:44,800
It's not my business, it's not 
what I'm doing for a career. 

1061
00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:46,800
It's just something that I 
really feel passionate about and

1062
00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:48,960
I think is is ultimately 
important for the greater good 

1063
00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:52,000
of all of society is for us as 
men to do exactly what you did 

1064
00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:53,280
right here. 
Peters invite us to come 

1065
00:45:53,280 --> 00:45:54,760
together to have these types of 
discussions. 

1066
00:45:54,760 --> 00:45:57,560
And so it's guys like you, they 
give me a lot of encouragement 

1067
00:45:57,560 --> 00:45:59,680
for the future and I appreciate 
you having me on the show, 

1068
00:45:59,680 --> 00:46:00,680
brother. 
Thank you, man. 

1069
00:46:00,720 --> 00:46:03,240
Appreciate you team. 
We'll be back next week, another

1070
00:46:03,240 --> 00:46:04,120
episode. 
Cheers man.