Ever wondered if real, lasting change is possible?
Well, friends, you're not alone with that.
It's a question Ben and I get a lot with the coaching that we do
with guys, and we're going to talk about it today.
Can I change? Can you change me?
Fuck knows mate. Yeah, you know, I actually know.
Do you know what? I think both of us are very good
at this. Like, so I probably what I could
say even in the time that I've known you.
So like, so just like an example of this, I remember both of us
sat on a train saying how much we did add this taste for social
media and how we didn't want to be that those people doing
stories and showing up all the time.
And we were like, can't we just have conversations and meet
people for coffee? And I like there was like both
of us in that moment, our, our belief about ourselves that we
weren't these guys that showed up on socials did all the, the,
the influence and then we'll call it influence him for just
kind of like a real high level look at it.
And I remember you just made this decision.
You like, I'm just going to embrace this.
I'm just going to do it. And it wasn't like it wasn't
this like I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.
And then you didn't do it. It was like, I'm just going to
do it. And then all of a sudden there's
this massive change where you went from your pitches on
Facebook or Instagram being couple of Thor, maybe some of
Leo. So all of a sudden there was
these 6/10/15 Reels a day, not Reels Stories a day going up.
And that was just a big shift in you.
You changed yourself in a very, very short space of time.
And I think that is probably one of your master skills is seeing,
seeing something that you really like in some like a mentor.
I know you know, you, you invest heavily in mentorship and
coaching. You see something in them and
you're very, very good at bringing it into your own
operating procedures and changing narratives.
Perhaps like, Oh, I'm not the guy that does that.
So that's what I I my thoughts on like this initially are.
Yeah, yeah. And I and I remember that
moment. I remember having so much
reluctancy to putting myself online.
So now I'm the operations guy. I've always been the operations
guy. I'm cool behind the scenes,
don't want to be in front of the camera.
And at the time, my my wife, now ex-wife, she was kind of like
she was building her own influence.
So she was loving the camera and always and it was always, hey
Pete, take a photo. Hey Pete, take a video.
So it was like there was also that for me as well.
I don't want to get, I don't want to be that person.
Yeah, yeah, I, I and I'm the same.
I think I've been the same. I love, I love talking to the
camera. I hate posing.
Like doing a false pose for me was really like, really, really
uncomfortable. And I even remembered, like, we
did a recent shoot where I just got some stock footage for my
promotions and I remember just posing and feeling really
uncomfortable and like, we're going to talk about this in the
podcast today. It's like that was real pain for
me. So it's like it, you know,
probably in front of an audience of 1000 people.
I'm like comfortable, you know, maybe a bit bit, but at the same
time, but make me pose and put a :) on for a photo and I'm like,
this is really, really uncomfortable.
Yeah, well so last weekend I just hosted an event in London
and had 40 plus guys come and it was an amazing event, 2 days.
And one of the guys said to me before the event started, bumped
into me is like, do you don't get nervous like about hosting
this sort of thing? And my response was, I feel
though, I feel the whirring in my stomach, but I don't label it
as being nervous. I actually label it as it's the
fucking energy that I'm that I'm building right now and I'm going
to cultivate and I'm going to bring that into the room.
And like, I'm like, dude, you will see it later and I like
you'll see it. You'll fucking feel it.
But there was absolutely a time where that was not the case for
me. I remember in my early 20s when
I, I actually wanted to be a pitch designer.
So I wanted to stand essentially in front of groups of people,
corporates and pitch designs to them, which was it was a high
paying job. It's also, it's a job with a lot
of status, like to be the pitch designer, to be the guy that's
winning projects for your company.
You get a lot of status on that. I wanted to be that guy, but I'd
fucking ship myself even thinking about standing in front
of people and essentially pitching to, to win a project.
But for a good year, 18 months, I just consistently put myself
into those scenarios, even though I was fucking cheating
myself, consistently put myself into the rooms.
I I remember like going to these pitches and I'd have music
playing in my ears around like a bit like motivational talks,
right, And I'd be highly caffeinated.
I'd be doing anything to like just make sure that all's
tactics to to get me through the door.
And so many times, so many, like I fucked pictures up and like
I'd lost my words and was standing in front of 1020 people
like like in her endless over time, I got really good at it.
And now, like you can, you know, talk in front of thousands of
people. I can I can host host a room so,
so comfortable, but there was a huge period of being incredibly
discomfortable, uncomfortable. But the out on the on the other
end of that is change. Yeah, I am.
I think the great question for the podcast today is like, can I
change myself? And I remember there's been like
so many times in my 20s where I let people down.
I was so disorganized and, and had that question in my head and
I'm like, am I, am I going to be living a life of this?
Like, is this my life where I'm just have to face these kind of
frustrations with myself all the time, like chaotic finances,
chaotic relationships, chaotic and knowing that it was all my
own doing, like knowing that I was the root cause of all of it.
And, and I remember thinking, and anyway, it was, it was a, it
was a moment. I remember thinking I was
drinking coffee and I stood up a client, you know, she was a high
playing client. I, I rocked into the gym late by
about two minutes and she said, where were you?
And and she did literally didn't sign up because I was 2 minutes
late. And she said, Ben, I don't have
time for people like you in my life.
And I was like, what? And I, it stung like crazy, but
it will help me help me enormously.
Anyway, I closed the gym up for the day.
I was really butt hurt. And then I sat in the coffee
shop and sulked and I remember thinking to myself, like, am I
just like doomed to this life of being disorganized, not doing
the things that I said I would do, being like character traits
of, you know, so. And this is that I think, can I
change myself looking at where did all these come from?
Like not only just from my mum, from my dad, but like my own
doing. I was like, am I just doomed to
live a life of these shadow behaviors from my parents and my
upbringing? And then it wasn't until I
actually started working with a really transformational coach
that ice really started to see massive, massive change.
So so yeah, I just want to share like, we're doing the podcast
today, having been in that place, haven't asked that
question. I think it's a really, really
important question for you to ask and answer.
I think that's step one is explore the doubt, exploring
where you're doubting yourself. And and like, like Ben just said
there like am I taking on the traits of my parents?
Like, like where is this doubt coming from?
Like is the have I have I got like this fucking horrendous
fear of failure or horrendous fear of like people judging me?
Like I had the fear, like I had the fear that fucking came
fucking true as well. Like standing in front of people
not knowing what to say in a pitch.
Like it came fucking true. I didn't die you, you know, I
just did it again and I got better at it, did it again, got
better at it. And those and those people, by
the way, those people that I stood in front of fucking
remember it. I fucking remember it so well.
My MD was there and and I remember and I try and I really
tried to ramp up the conversation as well because I
knew I was fucking up and it, it was like a fucking lead balloon.
It was like a level of oh, no one responded to my bid of yeah,
it was the room was fucking silent.
And I remember I was fucking so red.
But I just did it again. I did it again.
And those 10 people that were in that room, I bet they don't
Remember Me now, right? No, I can't remember their fate.
I can't remember who they are. I don't remember the fucking
name of the company. Just remember it happening.
That was years ago. Yeah, they, they the best like
the I, I was like, whenever I'm going to try and do something.
So say, for example, you've clicked on this podcast today,
you're listening in or watching, and this is a big question for
you. Can I change myself?
I, I always think like, where can I go to explore this?
And I, I loved Steve Chandler's work on this, like Steve
Chandler. So let me just kind of give you
a background on Steve. Steve is one of the best coaches
in the world and one of the most highly acclaimed coaches work
with some of the biggest names in business and with Brian
Johnson from heroic and he's like such a plow in the coaching
industry. And there was one specific book
and it's not even the book itself.
It's the freaking title that says everything.
It's the story of you and how to write a better 1.
And in the in the book, he talks about these ideas of we live
inside stories and we just have a story.
We, we've at some point we've made a story about ourself that
we've made permanent. We have this idea of something
called and this might be something you want to write
down. And it's a it's a word.
Is it 2 words that have really helped me understand and and
answer this question is idea of personal permanence.
So personal permanence is this belief that we are somehow fixed
in time and space and we'll never change.
So when we recall a friend from university or college or school,
when we think about a, Hey, I knew Pete back in, Oh yeah, he
was that this this guy and he had these traits.
The way that your mind works is you don't imagine Pete as he is
now. You imagine Pete as he is or was
1520 years ago, because you have this idea that Pete is fixed
Pete. Pete was this, there's this
identity that's fixed and is the same.
And anyway, this like, I was like, yeah, it's so crazy this
idea we have this idea that we have this personal permanence.
And I was like, and it was really interesting.
There was a guy in my school year who was an absolute
failure. Like the guy was just like a
layabout, never did anything in his life.
He was I, you know, I used to think he was thick.
You know, I was like, this guy is like intelligence is somewhat
poor. Anyway, I was walking through
Clandido Town, which is real small town vibe, and I bumped
into him and I was like, hey, man.
And he's like, in turn around. He'd had his teeth done.
His face looked good. Yeah.
The sun tan, his clothes looked on point.
And my brain was going wild. I was like, this guy is
different. He's like taking it.
And I was like, dude, I was like, I mean, I can't just say
you look incredible. And he goes, oh, man, back in
school, you knew me when I was back in school.
Like, you know, I've got my own company.
I've got the doing this. And I was like, oh, wow.
And like in that moment is one of those moments where I was
like, change is possible. He was not the, he was
categorically not the same guy that I knew in school.
He wasn't, he was a successful guy.
Vibrance and that. And it's this idea that when,
when we believe change is possible for ourselves, we
believe it to be possible for others as well.
And that's why it's so important as a coach, as a consultant, as
even a therapist, you've got to believe that you can change
because you because you've got to believe other people can
change. So that, that was my experience
of it. And, and the the words that I
think that we hang on to it is the idea of personal permanence.
I am the same person no matter what.
Yeah. And I like that.
I've not, I've never heard of that before.
And I'm going to relate that to Yeah.
And what you talked about there like you are the story that you
tell, but you're also, you're also your habits.
It's like that, that story that you tell coincides with your
habits. And then you, you are
essentially your habits. The way, the way you wake up in
the morning, the way you go straight to the toilet, the way
you think, the way you think when you wake up in the morning,
when you go into the toilet, what you're thinking, whether
you're thinking gratitude and I'm and I'm so blessed to be in
this place or whether you're thinking, fucking hell.
Got that e-mail to say. And I've got that to do.
I can already hear the kids getting up, right And then
whatever you do after that and after that and then after that
and after that, highly, highly likely it was the same thing
that you did yesterday and the same thing that you did the week
before and then the month before that.
Highly, highly likely. Like it's not as though like you
wake up this morning, Ben and we're like, do you know what?
Today, complete new fucking identity.
Just going to take that mask over there.
Take this one off, put this one on.
New done. New habits, new fucking
everything. Highly, highly unlikely.
Like we are our habits. We are the stories that we tell
ourselves. Yeah, there there is actually
something I've I've really had a revelation around.
I've I've done a lot of work with Benjamin Hardy over the
last say, say 6 to 12 months. Like I told you to read his book
Pete, you know, he's one of those books in it.
It's like. Gotten good book?
He's such a good book. He's like one of his many books,
but and I and I one of the things I do really, really well
when I get an author, I read all of their work and I'll read it
multiple times and I'm still rereading and his books at the
moment and his concept around your your past creating your who
you are in the moment. Most people think that they're
created by the past and it's not actually not true.
And it, and it is actually, this is his, his argument against
this is actually really powerful about especially with how can I
change myself is that most people believe the past creates
the present and your present creates the future.
That's them. That's their way that they
think. So we think that we are a
product of our past. So when we want to look at like
who we are and the moment we look at blaming our past,
however, he argues that your future creates your present and
your present creates your past. And let me let me explain this.
When you think that your past creates your present, you
believe that you're a product of all the things that have
happened to you, all the thoughts and habits of the
behaviors, and that's who you're living and breathing right now,
which is true to an extent. The results you're experiencing
now are a result of the things that have happened.
However, who you want to become and who you're going to be is a
result of your future. And the way that he talks about
this is when you have a brighter future, what happens is you
start to change the way that you behave in the present.
And when you behave better and you think better in the present,
you also look at your past differently.
So your actual past changes because of the way that you're
looking at it now. This is like, for example, when
you look at three wins every single day when I've done
what's, what are three things that have gone well today And
you stack them every single day, day after day after day after
day after day after day. All of a sudden you start
looking at your past in a different way and that changes.
So actually the past just becomes a subjective
interpretation of what we're experiencing in the moment.
And and that's like what he talks about when in terms of
trauma, he talks about trauma is, is just an experience that
hasn't been made into a win. It's such an amazing concept.
So let's just kind of put this into the context of what we're
talking about now is do I believe that I can change?
Yes. And and not only can you change
in the present, you can actually change the way that you look at
your past. And I think this is so important
for so many of you guys listening in is that you
probably thought divorce happened to you.
Your business broke down because of you.
You you're the failure. All these things had negative
consequences and they hurt you. Until you reframe them and say
saw that all happening for you, it will continue to be painful.
It will continue to inhibit your change.
So this is the stuff I'm getting at the moment from his work and
it's really, really helping me see not only my own life, but
the lives of clients as well. Such a great insight.
That's a fucking such a powerful insight.
It is, but it like here's an example.
When I went through divorce, the the moments of like when I was
in that when it was so fresh was so fucking painful.
Man, yeah. So it's just just so, so
painful. And I had people around me
saying, dude, some stage you're going to look back at this and
it's going to be one of the best things that ever happened to you
in the moment. You can't see that.
Mate, I, I get what you're saying, but it's hard to hear,
right? But now, now I can now like
because my mind is in a better place, I can look back at that
and go, wow, yeah, what a gift. What a gift to all the lessons
that I took from that relationship and actually over
the last like years since I've separated, I probably had more
growth in that year than I had in the previous 6.
Fucking hell what? What a gift.
So I can see how that concept works.
But I think you would like it. I mean, we've talked about this
before. Is that you one of the things
that you were Catherine Woodward Thomas?
Yeah. So it's like you had that
conversation with her, which was talking about not taking, like,
making personal change. So you don't you don't bring all
the shit from your previous relationship into the next one.
It's like. And I think going back to the
question we're talking about is like, can people change?
Well, The thing is that some people actually don't.
They'll have a relationship. They, they will, it'll finish.
They won't do any personal work. And then what they will do is
they will just repeat the pattern again.
Yes. And there was a, there was a, Oh
my gosh, this is like, actually I had, I had a cycle of
three-year relationships. And so I literally, honestly, it
was like my, my high school relationship was three years.
My university relationship was 2-3 years.
And it was like 3 years relate 3 year relationships all the way
up to the point of when I met my first wife.
And I think that didn't last long, obviously after the
divorce either. So, and then I remember speaking
to a therapist, Tim, I was speaking to Simmons.
Like, I was like, yeah, yeah. And I noticed there's a pattern
that three years. But guess where that pattern
came from? My mum.
Your mum. Them had three-year
relationships and then there was so many three-year
relationships. They're almost like exactly 3
years. And not blaming my mum, but I'm
just saying that that we become the patterns that we get from
our our parents. And I think change, like can we
change? Is that a decision that I'm not
going to perpetuate those patterns?
Yes, yeah, yeah. And it and it's a decision to
not only acknowledge that, but then go right, like I just like
I did with my previous relationship was like, OK, I'm
coming out relationship now. How can I just go into
uncovering like where I was at fault during that relationship
where I let things slip like how I can improve going forward
rather than just going jumping straight into the next.
But it's the same with anything. It's the same like say you have
a business back up a business breakdown, you're going to start
a new business. It's actually being aware of
like why? The original business broke
down. Same with your finances.
Say your finances have been a pickle for a long time.
It's not right. Let me have a look at this.
Where am I fucking up? What's my habits?
What's my behaviours that I've consistently repeated over time?
And just getting aware of all of those things.
Yeah, there's something that I I actually like, Yeah.
Like can I change? But how do I change?
And then, and then I think that's what is the nebulous,
confusing struggle that a lot of people have is like, well,
actually, this is the way I've always been.
How do I change? And the first most obvious thing
is time and attention. It's like time and attention.
It's giving something time in your calendar and intense bouts
of attention is, is the first tool to change anything.
And it seems overly simple. But if you think about this
right, you've got this character trait that you're lazy.
Yeah. This is what you believe about
yourself. I'm lazy.
I'm a lazy person. I I don't like training or
pushing myself hard. And I want to change.
I want to change, but I've never been the the person that goes to
the gym. Well, the only way that you're
actually going to change that is time in the gym and attention.
Like bring your attention to the gym for a period of time.
And it's amazing what happens when you see people that they,
although, although they might have this story that I'm not
this person that goes to the gym, I'm not a saver, I'm not
someone who goes into long distance relationships.
If they can just suspend that story, like just park it, like
may it might be true, but we're going to carry on doing things
anyway and just give something time and attention.
It's amazing what you can do Like, and this is where I I'm
actually going to a bit of a, a challenge at the moment with,
with ADHD. There's so many people
pathologizing themselves with ADHD, and then they're like, I'm
just, you know, I can't change unless I saw a person who can't
focus. I can't bring my attention on
something. I'm like, I am definitely in the
category of people with terrible attention spans.
Yeah, I can spend long stretches of time focused on something.
And here's why. I never bought into the story
that I had ADHD or ADD, never even got diagnosed, never got
statemented. And then I just spent time doing
the things that actually improves my attention span,
reading books, listening to audio books, going on long
walks, focusing on one thing, meditation and that.
And, and I think there's so many people do that now is that they,
they, they pathologize themselves with something.
And then they say, well, this is the reason I can't change.
I can't possibly change because I've got ADHD so I can't focus
on this. Yeah, it's a label.
Yeah, it's like, and sometimes it is a simply a, it's like it's
reframing the label. Maya saw my mum a couple of
weeks ago. I could see she's fucking so
stressed. I could just see it in the way
she looks, the way she's acting. She's so stressed.
And I had a really long, deep conversation with her and I was
like, she's just putting everyone else before her,
everyone. And I was like, you have to you
have to stop putting yourself first.
Just do, do something for yourself, whether that's some
Pilates or yoga every week, just something for you to take
yourself out of everyone else's equation.
And anyway, right, she agreed, she agreed to do.
And I messaged her yesterday. I said, hey, how's the plotties
going? She goes, oh, well, I'm supposed
to have my first session on Saturday, but Saturday is our
her her husband, my stepdad. It's his 70th birthday.
In the evening, they're having a party.
She goes, but I just, it's way too stressful for me to do the
Pilates on the Saturday, so I'm going to have to wait until
another Saturday. And I said, mum, you just
labeled that stressful. Like why not just reframe that
label from the hey, this is really stressful to this is my
time to ground myself and relax before I've got a big day ahead
of me with the party. Right.
And it and it is it's like just catch yourself where you've
you've like Ben just said there. I'm like labeling myself with a
condition or I'm labeling a scenario with arse is stressful.
Arse is overwhelming. I've got so much going on right
now. Try reframe because it goes back
to the story you tell. I think the the the kind of the
sentence was like I am someone who.
Yes. I am someone who can't focus.
I am someone who can't, I'm someone who can't eat just a
salad. I'm someone who who can't.
Like, you know, if you were to finish that sentence out loud, I
am someone who can't. And that's the like an identity
you've created for yourself. And that's the great thing is
that when you actually realize it's, it's very plastic, it's
very changeable. It's very, it's, it's actually
very, very, what's the word for pliable?
It means you feel like it's actually really empowering as
well. I think that I was someone who
saw myself as really disorganized.
IIA default state for me was not to use my calendar, not to have
appointments, and that's what I called freedom.
I thought freedom was not having no appointments and it was
chaos. It was really chaos.
And then I worked enormously on that.
And the only thing is in the last two or three years where
I've thought a second, yeah, I'm actually quite organised.
I'm not, I would never say I'm on the upper echelons of, of, of
diligence with my calendar, you know.
So obviously this goal was going to be somewhat better.
But I remember thinking I was like, hang on a second.
No, this is actually, I'm really good compared to where I was.
And that was something that was a big shift to me was like, oh,
I can call myself organised now. Yeah, another, another reason
why change can be hard is that it's highly likely, and you
know, I do this, Ben does this, we'll have things in our
subconscious. They're just not fucking aware
of that we're doing. So example of this last week,
one of the guys in the Awakened Man, we're having a bit of a
competition right now on sending out offers, proposals, see who
can make the most money. Essentially, it's just a game,
right? It's a really fun game.
One of the guys who is incredibly intellectual, has a
super, has a super great business, should probably be
doing the best out of everyone has, I think made like one
offer, right? One of the other and one of the
other guys who's new to the game has made like 67 offers, right?
But me and then and this week I ironically sold to everyone and
literally with a WhatsApp and a Stripe link, that was it.
And this guy messaged me. His name's Al.
I hope you're listening. And he was like, your funnel was
literally a WhatsApp and a Stripe link.
And I'm like, yeah, I don't fucking complicate things.
And then what came out was that because Al is highly
intellectual and he's an accountant, and so for most of
his life, he's actually had to make things quite complicated
because accounting can be very complicated.
And the way that he was taught when he was going for his
college and university and graduate degrees and so on to
become a chartered accountant, there's a lot of complexities
that he has to go through. And so subconsciously it's like
everything, he has to make everything mega complicated.
Every proposal has to be extremely detailed and has to
really put a lot of thought into it, overcomplicating everything.
Was not able to see it, didn't even realise he was making
things complicated. And because of that
complication, actually stopping him from going out and making
those offers, right? Whereas we saw that like, hey
dude, you're just complicating the shit out of everything.
Make this super simple. Just give people offers.
But without seeing that, you see, it was just well within his
subconscious. He just could.
He just wouldn't have seen that. Yeah, I think the like I did the
training a while ago on the many masks of fear.
Like why wouldn't, why don't we change his fear like fear of
like he's obviously got a fear there that even less.
It's complicated. All the IS are crossed and the
T's dotted. He crossed the TS dot, the IS.
But if if he hadn't done that, there's something's going to
happen. Something bad's going to happen.
And I think the the complicated mask that we wear when it comes
to fear is that I'm going to make this so complicated.
It justifies my ability to not take action and not change.
And yeah, yeah, it's you feel that you feel justified in, in
not me moving forward because things are so complicated.
Yeah, what? So if we were to map out some
some paths to change? Yeah.
What do you think there would be steps?
I think first of all isolate is going to be the first one.
Is isolate what specifically you want to change?
Because I think trying to change too many things at the same time
is difficult. So say for example, you're
disorganized, you're late, you're you don't keep your
promises. You know, it all falls under the
banner of integrity. But it's like if you were to
isolate one thing in your life and say, right, I'm going to
change this thing, I think that that's the first place to start.
Like whether it's self sabotage, whether it's lateness, whether
it's paying people on time, whether it's money management.
My belief is that putting lots of time and attention into one
thing and and almost working on that thing so you see it making
significant progress is a good place to start.
I believe that especially in self development, too many
people try to change too many things at the same time and they
haven't got enough time and attention to place on these
different things. So I believe the 1st place to
start is isolate. One thing you want to go to
freaking war on, you're going to go absolutely all out.
You're going to, you're going to laser it like, you know, laser
it out because when you start to try and change too many things,
you just haven't got that ability to spread that across so
many. Yes, I wholeheartedly agree.
It's essentially you are bringing awareness.
It's you're cultivating your own self-awareness here.
It's like, all right, well, where in my life that's, that
keeps fucking coming up that I'm not where I want to be.
Yeah, in relationships, in health and fitness, in business,
whatever that looks like. It's it's, it's getting real
self aware on those areas and, and actually like journaling,
like writing this down is mega, mega powerful.
Like we can think and think and think in our heads when we start
getting things down on paper. It's like, why do I, why do I do
this? Where does this come from?
Who have I learned this from? Like the what is this doing for
me by me doing this behaviour? Like why do I like this?
Because sometimes like if this is a good one, it's like, why do
I like this behaviour? It's why do I like eating lots
of food? Why do I like not going to the
gym, whatever that looks like. It's like, find the reasons that
it's like keeping you safe and keeping you comfortable.
It's really fucking enlightening to to know that and to figure
that out. So self-awareness bring
awareness to all. Yeah, I think the next piece is
like, get very clear on what changes that part of you.
So I think so many people try and solve the wrong things with
the wrong activity. So for example, most people
think that doing a body transformation will change their
self love. And this is something that I
think is really important is that just getting thinner, it
might facilitate some of the things that might make you love
yourself more, but they are very different things.
They get very clear on what needs to be done.
Like the the practice of learning to love yourself is
mainly psychological, albeit can be you're done with going to the
gym and starting to look in the mirror and saying nicer things
to yourself. But be very clear on what it is
that's going to make the changes that you want, because sometimes
I think that we just end up doing the wrong thing and for
such a long time. So you can have very targeted
approach. For example, one of the things
that I think awaken man is very, very good at is allowing man to
speak openly in front of other men and and get courageous,
improve their integrity. And so if you're a man who
hasn't, hasn't been making and keeping promises to people, get
in a group of men and making commitments in front of them
about what you're about to achieve is the that is actually
the medicine, like that's the right thing.
Whereas if you're trying to improve your integrity by, I
don't know, just trying to be on time more often, it's probably
not a big enough shift. It's not a big enough
commitment. Yes, yeah, we actually had that
over the weekend and that was one of the guys things and and
what are the, and this is actually what Ben said to you in
the previous point was to keep this simple.
It's like one thing just just like what's the one thing that
you can do that in doing so will make everything else easier or
simpler. And this was what like one of
the guys, he was like, this is what I'm going to do for the
next 90 days. And there was like 4 things in
there. I'm like, dude, you're fucking
over complicating this. Your thing is that you can't
keep to fucking your schedule. You're late, you're just late to
things. And you and you put way too many
things. You're like, you allow people to
go into your schedule. Why don't we just stick to your
schedule for the next 90 days and that's it, right?
Report back to the group every day.
Done it, done it, done it, Just stick to that.
But and again, it's this is, this is habit forming.
You're essentially when you, when you're doing these things
is that you are installing a new pattern, a new habit that you
can repeat over and over. And like we said earlier, your
habits and your stories, they produce the result of where you
are now. Yeah, I think, I think the next
one for me would be watch for upper limit behaviours.
So I was actually on a client call before this and like he's
like, dude, yeah, I've been doing really well.
I'm sticking to my structure. I've been following my, my, I've
been following my calendar. And, and he was on holiday.
He was actually in a different country and I was like, well,
what have you got in your calendar for the next two weeks?
He's like, Oh no, I'm, I'm all over the place the next two
weeks. So I can't put anything in my
calendar. I'm like, oh shit.
I was like, that's this is precisely when you most need to
stick to your calendar. And I and I think what happens
is we get a little bit of momentum with something and we
cannibalise the results by thinking we're out of the woods.
And I think this is for a lot of guys, this is what happens.
So this is, for example, alcohol.
You think that you've done like maybe a month off the booze,
you're like, yeah, I feel great. Do you know what?
I'm just going to go out for one.
I'm just kidding. I'm just going out for one.
And that one turns into 55. You know, it's just like you're
not out of the woods. You're like, dude, like get out
of the woods. And, and this is something I
think that why so many people relapse is that they think they
get a bit cocky about the power that that previous self, that
previous person, that previous habit had over them.
So I think what you've got to do is you've got to be very, very
mindful if you're making change, you've got to totally cut off
oxygen to the previous self, like the previous version of
yourself. Yeah, and and also acknowledge
that change is hard. Like it is.
We've all been there. Like, ah, fucking knock drink on
the head. Do you know what?
I'll have one. That's the that bit there is the
hard that that in, in that moment where you have to be
disciplined. Knocked it on the head for 33
days. Well, it's all right to have
one. It's in that moment where you
need your discipline. That's where it's fucking hard.
Like cigarettes. I've knocked on the head for 60
days. So I just have 1 little cheeky
one on them. Out without with the guys is the
hard not porn on the head. Yeah, this is this is a really
difficult one for for a lot of guys.
You know, I've been through, I've been through this, but I've
still going through this. It's like, oh, I've not not
watched porn now for a year. It won't hurt.
It won't hurt that in that moment that is your fucking
test, my friend. That is the heart.
So I went through a relapse with it when with hotel rooms.
Yeah, it's environments. I just.
Made this little rule I was like, Oh yeah, well, one of my
way and then a hotel room by myself.
That's when it's allowed, and then it's.
Not dude, that is not just your rule.
Isn't it all right? I just mate.
What? Nice when we guys laughed when I
said it, Yeah. Yeah, one of the guys on the
weekend, and I know a bunch of them stayed in hotels and we're
like seeing each other off at like 10:30 at night and he's,
ah, fucking get back to the hotel, have a little just just
me and me in the right hand. Yeah.
And then it was this, like, long joke for about 10 minutes about
how, like, his, his iPad screen is going to burst open because
there's going to be so much of it going.
Yeah. Yeah, it's, I think it's, I
think I just say what a lot of guys do.
Yeah, the, the, I think that that's.
But coming back to the point, I think this is actually so
important. We've got to remember the the
grasp that our old behaviours have on us.
And we're we're. So if you think that you can do
the habit or the thing and get away with it not having a
crippling effect on you for days afterwards, you you lie into
yourself, I think. Yeah.
And and I think you know what the film that demonstrates this
the best is Frank the Tank in Old School.
And he's just like, at this moment.
So yeah, if you haven't seen it, I'm not even going to explain
the film because you just you need to you've got really got to
look at yourself in the mirror and like, just think about your
consumption. So there's a moment where Frank
drinks from the beer bong and he's like, oh, as soon as it
touches your lips And it's like the.
Boy is drinking, He's like no, no, I've stopped drinking, I'm
not drinking. He's like no.
And he was persuaded into it by the young lad.
Yeah. And then, and then, and I think
that's what you see in that is you see this this guy that's
like kind of, you know, enjoying a mild life.
He's not connected with anyone anymore.
As soon as he had some alcohol, whoosh, he's streaking around
the neighbourhood. And I think that that kind of is
1 some, some guys actually have a real issue with that.
They do actually revert straight back into old habits very, very
quickly. And that's why you need a group
of guys around here. You need a group of guys to like
because to keep that standard same like you know you don't do
this. But I don't.
I'd also say this right? If you have a set back in your
change, acknowledge it. Give yourself a bit of self
compassion. Go fucking it.
I've had this, I've had this habit for a long time.
Right. I've I've thrown off the wagon.
Fair enough. Then jump back on.
Don't, don't. The last thing, the worst thing
you can do is I'll fuck it. I've fucked it now.
Yeah, go back to normal. Yeah, I think that this is
something I, I talk quite a lot with regards to changes that
what the the win is, is how fast you get back on the horse, like
the how fast you recalibrate and then the distance you can go.
So like say for example, you self sabotage on a frequent
basis. So then you go six months, then
you go a year, then you go 2 years.
Like that's all wins. It's not that you're, you are a
flawed imperfect human, but I think you've seen talked a lot
about this with regards to drugs and alcohol.
There is actually a 0 tolerance policy.
It's like that that's something you just can't return to.
It's like it's it's like, and it's the same with womanizing.
It's the same with and it's like these are that they've got to be
hard nosed. Like this is like, say one of
the things that you want to change about yourself is that
you're unfaithful to your partner.
You can't go from it's like you can't go.
You can't just double in that you can't have a part.
You know, I'm you know, I'm a recovering what's called
womanizing cheat. What's the word for it?
Is it the word for it? Nothario, whatever you want to
call it and you can't go from like that's just got to be a
hard no. This is a change that's
happening. I'm never going back.
I'm just changing. I'm changing who I am and I
think that that's I like that. There's a guy called Alexander
Debottom talks about this in the school of life and he talks
about this idea of marriage and why marriage is a like a sacred
practice is that we the reason that we sometimes stand in front
of a group of our nearest and dearest and say these vows to
this other person is we are all flawed when it comes to matters
of the flesh. We, we, there's such a drive for
especially men to cheat on their partners and see, look at
elsewhere. So what we did is a social
practice where we make it even more shameful and hard to break
a bond. So that's like one of the one of
the reasons that marriage is, you know, made as it is in in
his philosophy. And I was like, oh, that's such
an interesting thing is like I stand in front of a group of my
my closest friends and family, and so does she and we say that
we're going to be faithful to each other forever more.
And what that does is it enhances the bond and makes it
less likely with their work are going to go and cheat.
And I was like, that's a really interesting argument for
marriage And, and that's part of the change.
So I go and think like, what can you do to make sure that you,
you change and you change forever?
Is you make the, you make the pain of going back so big that
it's just not an option. And that's where I think that
you can really do yourself a lot of favours is like this is where
you invest heavily in coaching or an event or something that
you put so much into. The thing that you've you try to
change into going back is just a terrible investment of time,
energy and money. Yes, yeah, you, you force it.
So it's like I fucking, I can't go back.
It's like there's no, it's like it's like with me now, like the
lifestyle I live, like I have to earn a certain amount of money.
Yeah. Otherwise, like I'm not, there's
no fucking way I'm going back. And because and because of that,
it's like I'm forced to consistently improve and carry
out consistent habits of change to rise up.
I think that's actually called a forcing function.
I think it's actually the actual term for it is a full have a
forcing function. Yeah, but also part part of
that, and this would go back to what you were talking about
earlier with Benjamin Hardy, about having a brighter future.
Like, I have a really clear vision.
I have a big vision, and I'm always fucking thinking about
it. I read it like two hours ago.
Like, I'm always looking at the vision.
I'm always looking at that's my future, that's my future, that's
my future. Like how?
How am I being that person now? Yeah, the there's actually, Tim
Ferriss talked about it in them for our body and he calls it a
Harajaku moment. It's like when the pain is
staying the the same outstrips the pain of change.
That's when you'll change. So he called it, he he calls it
a Harajaku moment. So let me say that again,
because it's it's also known as the fucking moment.
It's where the pain of staying the same outstrips the pain of
change. That's when you'll change.
I've got this quote here which I screenshotted earlier is on my
buddies Instagram. It says getting things done
doesn't motivate me. It's what I'd become if I didn't
get these things done that motivates me.
Yeah. I can strong, right?
It's it's like the consistently going into the bad habits, doing
the things that don't break your barriers consistently over and
over again. It's like Habits of that fucking
scares the shit out of you who you will not become if you don't
break them. Yeah, I am.
I think that, well, there's a, you know, we, we, I think a lot
of the Waker Man stuff, what I base my coaching round is what 1
can be. One must be.
I, I think that, you know, the Maslow quote of knowing that
they're like every man. Every man has his deep inner
knowing of who he's capable of being.
We all have that and that is the biggest pain, like not achieving
what we're capable of achieving. And that has always stuck with
me. Like I just want to see how far
I can go. I just because I enjoy the
process. Yeah, yeah.
OK, let's wrap this up. Anything you want to add to that
this Ben? No, I think, you know, I think
endorsing coaching, you know, like for, if you want to look at
a modality to help you with change, get a coach.
It's like it's, it's a cheat code.
It's a shortcut. Get, you know, get in touch with
the awaken man, get in touch with us Like it's, it's such an
easy, it's easy way to speed up the certainty that you'll
achieve the goal. And I think that the faster you
achieve something, the more certain it feels, the more
likely you are to actually achieve it.
So I think just be really mindful that this is what
coaching is essentially is helping you answer that
question. Can I change and then actually
making it happen? Yeah, good round up.
You can fucking change, but especially if you've got the
right people around you. Fast tracks it, Team.
Good to see ya, Ben. Good to see ya.
Until next episode. We'll catch you then Team before
you go. If you're not following us
already, can you give us a follow on Instagram?
The handle is at heroic Man official.
Two things on there. Number one, the link in our bio
has all the information on our next meet ups, next events, and
there's a number of trainings in it too.
The second thing is, if you give us a follow, then shoot us a
message, we will send you a free training on the four core
archetypes that every man must master to succeed in this modern
Western world. That's it for me.
I'll see you on the next episode after you've given us a follow.
Cheers man, see you then.