Gentlemen, welcome to the Heroic Man, the daily call to
adventure. You joined me and.
You see, people, what are we speaking about, Ben?
He talked on Friday about goal setting and and the the idea of
goals that are not too big and the the downside of confidence,
the downside of goal setting. Yes, people, Just to refresh
Benjamin Owens very bad memory, we said last week that the
reason why so many of us get stuck and the reason that we
suffer or from low levels of confidence is because we aren't
very clear on our values, right? And so just just as reminded
that when it comes to values, as psychologists, we understand
that there are many ways to define values, right?
And, and so one definition of, of, of values is that values are
a combination of, of, of, of a concept of belief system and a
pattern of behavior that we hold in the highest regard possible.
So let me, let me repeat this to you guys that the value is, is a
combination of a couple of things, a concept of belief
system in, in, in the behavior pattern that, that, that, that
we hold in, in the highest regard possible, right?
And, and, and because values, right, I held in the highest
regard, right? They're extremely difficult to
change. So a couple of things, because
we hold our values to such a high regard, right, that once we
have a value or once we have a value system, they're incredibly
difficult to change, right? And the other thing about
values, values are extremely personal and totally subjective,
right? And and, and so they, they,
they, I know right the wrong values, but because values are
personal, what my, my values are, right?
And what bands values are could be completely on the opposite
end of the spectrum, right? And, and, and, and more than
that, because our values are, are totally subjective, right?
Even you might find that, that even within a relationship, you
and your spouse, you and your employees, you and business
partners, you and your kids, right?
Your, your values can be at opposing end, right, which leads
to, to, to, to a lot of conflict, but but also causes us
to, to remain stuck, right. So another way to think of
values is, is to view them as a foundation, right, of what
psychologists refer to as a big picture of our lives.
And I think this is a better way to understand values.
Is it we, we can think of values as the foundation, right, of,
of, of, of, of, of the big picture of our lives, right.
And so if you look at your life, the big picture is made out of
what it's made-up of our thoughts, our put the personal
scripts that, that, that, that we use to run our lives and,
and, and the mental images that, that, that we have right about,
about how the, our world and the people in it should be.
So let me repeat this for you guys.
You, you, you can see values is, is the foundation of what a
psychologist we refer to as the big picture of our lives.
And, and the big picture is made-up of, of all our thoughts,
our personal scripts and our mental images about how our
world and, and the people and it should be, right?
And in this way, right, we often use value latent words like
should and must to describe the big picture.
I'm going to repeat this for you.
So when we think of the big picture, right, we almost always
use, use value latent words like should and must, right?
So, for example, I can never believe like person A, my son
should really marry someone of his own fate, right?
So you see that that's a value, right?
Or, or, or, or I can say the, the Prime Minister must be about
moral reproach, right? Again, there's a value that I
have around morality, right? Or faith.
Or I could say, well, Ben, Ben should really like, or Ben must
really save more of his salary for, for rainy days, right?
So that my value around finances, right?
And, or if I say, or I might say, well, everyone must be
allowed to die with dignity, right?
Again, that's a value, right? And, and so do you see that,
that, that, that, that, that when it comes to, to value, an
easy way to, to know if something is our value is, is
whether we use the word I should or I must, right?
And and and and again values or the big picture statements right
about evaluative in, in, in, in, in, in judgmental.
So, so a couple of things about our values.
Our values are always evaluated. We use them to evaluate what we
want in life And and and and and.
They also judge mental Any questions, Ben?
No, I love that. I've never heard that before.
So, so, so just to reiterate. And so if you're saying shoulds
and musts that you're always speaking from and maybe an
unclear value that you're that you're talking about.
So for example, like, oh, I should, I should have tried
harder. You're actually talking about
your value for showing up and doing work.
So actually what you're like, what I'm trying to articulate is
like getting clear on these will help you be more overt about why
you're driving yourself to behave in such a way.
It's like, Oh, I value hard work.
That's why when I'm not working hard, I say, I say to myself all
the time, I should, I should I, should I value exercise and
health. So when I say I should have
trained today, it's just me all and below my values.
My. Values, right.
OK, I get that. That's really, really helpful.
OK, guys. So, so like all of the other
personal scripts in mental images that we developed, right,
the the, the ones related to our values have been continuing,
have been continually evolving ever since we started using
language. So I'm going to repeat this to
you guys that they along with all of our other personal
scripts and the mental images that we developed, right?
The, the, the ones that they're related to our values, right,
have been continually, continually developing ever
since we started using language, right?
So, so when we were kids, our values luckily mirror those of
our parents. And for those of you with small
children, you'll see that your children don't have the ability
to form their own values. Their values almost always
mirror yours, right? And so as kids, we value what
what our parents did because it was all we knew.
Our world was literally created, right?
Our parents literally created the matrix in which we live.
They literally created our reality as we went along, right?
And then as we moved to China, adolescence into young
adulthood, right, some of our values began to change, right?
As we were exposed to to new experiences, new information and
ideas, our value story began to shift.
And most of us don't even realize it, right, that this,
the shift has occurred until one day, right, you wake up and in
in the middle of a discussion with your parents, you suddenly
realize that, that, that, that, that you no longer share some of
their values. Any questions about this Ben so
far? No, no.
So just like just you often find that I find that that like my
driver for health is very, very different to my dad's and it's a
big it, it divides us. It actually causes a big issue
in like in the way that we think, in the way we behave in
our life. That's caused a huge divide
because his he just doesn't look after himself, his health, he's
really like doesn't train, doesn't eat very well.
He drinks and like I'm the polar opposite of that.
And my question while you're talking is in is like how how
come often they they, they fall so far from your parents values?
Because like, there's some values that I did keep in line
with my parents and there's others I'm absolutely polar
opposite of. Yep, good question guys.
So, so Doctor Stephen Haynes, the the, the founder of
acceptance and covenant therapy, like like to say that that
values are, or he describes values as being the, the mirrors
of the soul. And so he says that if anything
can, can paint the picture of what a person is really about,
right, It's our values, right? And, and so why?
Because our, our values are literally the, the truest
reflection of who we are as people, right?
And, and what we care most about in the world.
So, so, so, so like Ben said, the things that that Ben cares
about, right? Ease his health, right?
And, and, and his family time and, and, and spending quality
time with his daughters, right? And, and so that's what bank is
about most in the world, right? And, and yes, while our
knowledge, our attitudes, our beliefs in, in, in, in, in
behavior are part of who we are and, and, and, and, and paint
picture of, of us for other people, right?
It's our values that are the foundation on, on, on which all
the other things are both. So I'm gonna repeat this for you
guys. So, so a couple of things here,
right? So, so #1 is that our values are
the truest reflection of we are who we are as people and, and
what we care most about right in the world, right?
And yes, so things like value, I mean things like knowledge, our,
our attitudes, our beliefs and behavior, right?
A part of who we are, right? They, they, they, they, they,
they, they, they also literally exist, right, to paint the
picture of, of us for other people.
So I'm repeating this for you guys.
So the, the, the biggest difference between our values
and other things is it our knowledge, our attitudes, our
beliefs, our behaviors, right? They are part of us, right?
But, but, but, but they, they exist in order to paint a, a
picture of us for other people. So what does this mean?
Well, well, well, well, Ben, the knowledge Ben has, the attitude
that he holds the, the, the belief system that, that he
believes in the behaviors that, that he exhibits, right?
They're part of him, right? But they exist in order for
Ben's right to paint a picture of himself, right?
For, for, for, for, for, for, for other people, his clients,
his partner, his parents, his neighbors, his kids, et cetera,
right? To, to, to, to, to have of him,
right? And other, it, it bends values,
right? Are the foundations on, on, on
which all of the, the, the, the, these other dimensions are
built. And, and, and, and, and so when
it comes to values, right, the, the, the psychologist, we
differentiate between two different types of values.
Number one is core values and satellite values, right?
And, and, and so our core values and our satellite values don't
carry the same weight, right? So one of the best ways to
understand this right is for those of you who are
scientifically inclined, right, is to visualize an atom, right?
And so an atom is a nucleus at the core, right?
And then you have these electrons that spin around it.
And so our core values represent the nucleus, right, with the
satellite value spinning around it that create energy in a
synergistic way. Does it make sense to you guys
that if you use an analogy of an atom, right, then our core
values are the nucleus of the atom in, in our satellite
values, right? Spin around our core values,
trading energy, right? And so our core values represent
the, the things that, that are central to, to, to, to who we
are, right? And, and, and what we'd be
willing to fight or die for. So I'm repeat this for you guys.
Our core values represent the things that, that are central to
who we are as a person, right? And, and these are the things
that, that we'd be willing to, to fight and die for, right?
And so our core values are literally they, they, they're
the bedrock of our personality, right?
And and and and, and, and they, they related to do a thing like,
like your country of origin, your spouse, your children, your
religion and your values around freedom, right?
Satellite values on the other end consist of less important
things. The, the, the yes, we hold here,
we hold them dear, but they aren't strongly, we aren't as
strongly as committed to them, right?
And they typically include political beliefs, our cultural
traditions, our community servers, our personal
attributes. So intelligence, beauty, our
weight, our health, etcetera, etcetera, right?
Our, our hobbies, our recreational activities, sports
and on and on. Does it make sense to you guys?
Can, can you see the difference between, between, between
satellite values and core values?
And, and, and the thing about values again is that values are
very subjective like, and so one person's satellite values,
right? Might, might be another person's
core values. So, so, so coming back to, to
Ben's question, right? Ben's core values their own
health, right? But that doesn't mean that,
that, that his father's core value is their own health,
right? So, so because for, for Ben's
father, right, health is literally a satellite value.
So as in, in any, we're going to do a quick exercise, right?
A good indication right, of, of, of, of, of, of, of what you
value, right? Is evidence, right?
Or is evident in this exercise. So if you could create the
perfect day, right? So if you could play on a
perfect day, what would you do right?
Who would you spend? Who would you spend the day
with? Right?
And and and and and where would it occur?
So quick, so quick exercise, right?
A good way right to to determine your, your, your values, right
is to define for yourself what a perfect day would look like.
If you could pay on a perfect day, what would you do right?
Who would you spend it with and where would it occur and why?
Because your daily life criteria for a perfect day are literally
are your standards for living life.
Well, I'm repeat this for you guys.
The perfect exercise, literally, right?
The criteria that we have right for perfect day are literally
the standards for that we hold for living life well, right?
And so these criteria are literally the concrete
activities. And so maybe Ben is one is
cooking a meal with his spouse, having intensely hot sex right
in on and on, right? The the the, the been would
partake in right that represent his values, right?
So, so guys, ask yourself in, in any right, what would a perfect
day be like if you could meet all of your, your daily life
criteria during a 24 hour period?
So let me repeat this, Let me repeat the the homework for you
guys. What would a perfect day like?
What would a perfect day be like, right, if you could meet
all of your daily life criteria during a 24 hour period?
And so generally, right, you're perfect.
They would be free of your need to play mind games, right?
And take on roles that compromise your values, right,
and your beliefs and therefore make you feel uncomfortable.
So I'm repeat this for you guys. They generally they're perfect.
They would be free of your need to play mind games, right?
And indulge manipulation, right? And it would be free of you
taking on roles that compromise your values and beliefs, right?
And it would be free be free of you doing anything that makes
you feel uncomfortable, right? Perfect day would involve doing
all of the things that that have value and meaning and.
Seeing we've lost your, lost your, your audio and I'm taking
that to the end of the call anyway, guys, I would head on
over and do that exercise in the 15 minutes you've got allocated
guys to to do your your work today.
What would a perfect day look like or be like if you could
meet all of your criteria in a 24 hour period?
I'd love to see you guys right into school about what that
would look like for you. Thank you for being here and
we'll see you on today, tomorrow's call.