1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:03,240 I'm just going to say I've been married 42 years. 2 00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:08,080 Our sex is better in our 60s than it was in our 20s. 3 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:11,000 I've lived both ends of the spectrum. 4 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:16,280 I have lived loose as a promiscuous pre marriage and I 5 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:21,280 have lived loved in a marriage. And I'm going to tell you loved 6 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:24,640 is better. I love how God, he never says 7 00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:28,840 sex is wrong. He says do not arouse or awaken 8 00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:35,520 love before it's time. Sex is more than physical, it is 9 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:38,160 spiritual. Well, why does sex even matter? 10 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:44,560 Well, first of all, welcome to the fight for a female. 11 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:47,000 And today we're going to be talking about something that 12 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:48,600 everybody should love. We're going to be talking about 13 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:51,960 sex. Then, you know, the truth is sex 14 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:57,080 used to be about male or female, but now we don't call making 15 00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:59,640 love or intercourse. We call it sex. 16 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:03,560 We we don't refer to it as something that is around a 17 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:06,240 covenant of marriage. We're going to talk about who 18 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:08,880 thought up sex? Who designed sex? 19 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:11,920 Are we supposed to enjoy sex? Is sex only for the men? 20 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:14,560 Is it just for when you're young? 21 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:19,240 What does it mean to have a fulfilling sex life? 22 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:22,240 Well, why does sex even matter? Like, is it really just this 23 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,520 physical thing or does it actually develop something 24 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:28,280 within us and maybe even bring God into our relationship? 25 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,440 Is that too much to say? No, it's not. 26 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:32,400 I see. I don't believe sex is just 27 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,600 physical. And actually, they've proved 28 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:38,120 genetically that when you have sex with someone, you're 29 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:40,960 actually sleeping with them and everybody they have slept with 30 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,920 for seven years. So it is a linking physically, 31 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,120 but it's also a linking of the souls. 32 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:52,080 And God doesn't want you LinkedIn your soul with 1800 33 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:56,120 people. He wants you linked with your 34 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:59,360 husband. Sex is a spiritual experience. 35 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:03,400 It is a soul communion and it is a physical union. 36 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:09,120 And that really matters. Sex is more than physical, it is 37 00:02:09,199 --> 00:02:11,080 spiritual. You know what I'm hearing? 38 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:14,480 I'm hearing that married people have the best sex. 39 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:16,400 So, OK, I'm going to say something shocking. 40 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:20,520 If you had told me in my 20s that I would be enjoying sex 41 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:25,520 more in my 60s, I would not have believed it. 42 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:31,720 Have we allowed culture to define what sex is for us to say 43 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,920 when we should have it, how we should have it? 44 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:37,840 Have we allowed it to be distorted when God actually 45 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:41,880 wants us to enjoy sex? And I believe you can build a 46 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:44,640 sexual legacy. My husband and I have been able 47 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:51,160 to build a sexual legacy. A sexual legacy of intimacy that 48 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:56,760 we actually see each other through eyes of intimacy, not 49 00:02:56,800 --> 00:03:00,320 eyes of lust. And I want that for each and 50 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:04,000 every one of you. I've had so many young girls 51 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:07,760 when I was younger, they would come to me and they would ask me 52 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:10,880 different questions around sex. They would ask me how am I going 53 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:15,280 to build this into my marriage? And I would tell them, you don't 54 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:19,720 want to actually start something in your sex life that you can't 55 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,920 maintain in your 70s. They're like, what are you 56 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:24,320 talking about? They said, well, pole dancing 57 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,240 and a thong might work in your 20s. 58 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:28,120 I don't know that anybody's going to. 59 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:29,720 I don't want to see that in your 70s. 60 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:34,200 So I said you want to wake up your sexual life in the realm of 61 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:38,400 intimacy, not in the realm of lust. 62 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:40,960 OK. I want, I want you to know I've 63 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:46,920 lived both ends of the spectrum. I have lived loose as a 64 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:52,600 promiscuous pre marriage and I have lived loved in a marriage. 65 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:56,320 And I'm going to tell you loved is better, marriage is better. 66 00:03:56,360 --> 00:04:00,240 I've enjoyed sex more in my marriage than I ever did in my 67 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:03,120 promiscuous past. And I want the same for you. 68 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:07,440 And most of us had an encounter long before we wanted to have an 69 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:12,640 encounter with our sexuality in the realm of lust before we ever 70 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:17,079 had a chance to have it wake up in the realm of intimacy. 71 00:04:17,079 --> 00:04:21,160 I love how God he never says sex is wrong. 72 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:26,880 He says do not arouse or awaken love before it's time. 73 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:33,040 Sex has a time and the right thing, which is sex in the wrong 74 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:38,000 time becomes the wrong thing. So I love talking about this. 75 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:41,800 I love seeing a generation where it comes to the place where they 76 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:46,560 redeem their sexuality. I did not navigate my sexuality 77 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:48,640 well. I still remember. 78 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:54,760 I still remember the first time that I saw pornography in my 79 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:59,280 best friend's house. Her father had Playboy magazine 80 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:04,040 and I and I want you to know that pornography has a calling 81 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:06,080 voice. If you have it in your house, 82 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:07,200 your children are going to find it. 83 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:09,840 And and I, I know you think that's just silly. 84 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:11,400 I'm going to tell you a story about me. 85 00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:15,360 I got to babysit my brother and when I babysit my brother who 86 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:19,360 was seven years younger than me, the big bonus was I get to sleep 87 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:23,440 in my parents bedroom and watch TV to my hearts content. 88 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:27,320 I could watch until I like they got home from the party and so I 89 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:29,760 would be in the room. I think I was 10. 90 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,360 I'm actually looking back and thinking why were they letting 91 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:33,920 me babysit the three-year old when I was 10? 92 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:37,800 But anyway, I was in their bedroom and I was watching a 93 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:42,840 show and I just felt like I should open that drawer. 94 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,800 My parents had like 9 drawers that I felt like I need to, I 95 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:48,880 need to open, I need to open that specific drawer. 96 00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:53,120 As I went over and I opened the drawer and I just saw, you know, 97 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:56,640 closed neatly folded. And so I closed it and then I 98 00:05:56,640 --> 00:06:02,000 felt no, open it up again and lift up a particular section. 99 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:07,240 I opened the drawer again. I lifted it up and I found 100 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:09,720 pornographic material. Now, what's crazy? 101 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,640 It wasn't my dad's store. It was my mom's store. 102 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:17,920 And because I was a confronted child when I fell asleep, but 103 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,440 the next morning I was stormed into the room and I opened up 104 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:22,080 the drawer. I was like, what is this? 105 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:26,480 What are you looking at? But I had looked at it and I had 106 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:31,040 read it and it had confused me something horrible. 107 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:38,000 You do not want your first encounter to be broken. 108 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:42,000 And if if it does like it, like mine was, that will push 109 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,320 forward. And so I want you to know that 110 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:49,200 you can actually put it back to sleep and reawaken it in the 111 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:53,440 realm love, love. Maybe your sexuality was awoken 112 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:56,560 through abuse or pornography or way too soon. 113 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,800 God longs to put it back to sleep. 114 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:02,760 Zephaniah 317 says, Lord, your God is mighty to save. 115 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:05,200 He will rejoice over you with singing. 116 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:09,080 He will quiet you with his love. I believe that we can draw near 117 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:12,040 to God. God will sing over us as we 118 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:16,200 worship Him, and He can put back to sleep what was awakened in 119 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:20,880 the wrong manner so that you can build a life of intimacy and not 120 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:24,120 wrestle with the tension and the pressure of lust. 121 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:29,440 So that is why we're talking about sex. 122 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,960 You know, Christian, this is something I never really wanted 123 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:35,640 to talk about when I had boys. I was like, yay, I get to opt 124 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:38,760 out this sex talk. I do not have to ever talk to my 125 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:42,080 children about sex. And I thought, OK, John, this is 126 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,240 all on John. This John, take Addison out on a 127 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,400 retreat. John, go ahead, do it with 128 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,800 Austin. And then I remember the boys 129 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:53,880 like first we told Addison not to say anything. 130 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,040 And of course he said everything. 131 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,520 So that was always confusing to the second born. 132 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:04,560 And I remember being it like in the morning getting ready and 133 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:10,000 Addison comes down. He's like, hey, so mom, mom, dad 134 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:14,200 told me that he was a virgin when he got married. 135 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,360 And I said, that's true. And he's like, were you a 136 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:18,960 virgin? I was like, what just happened? 137 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:22,200 What wait, why? Why am I in this conversation? 138 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:25,640 And I remember thinking, what do I say to my son? 139 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:27,480 And then the other boys are like, what's a virgin? 140 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:28,920 Am IA virgin? I want to be a virgin. 141 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,520 I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is a nightmare. 142 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,159 And I have not even had caffeine. 143 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,360 And I remember thinking, I have some options here. 144 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,120 I can look at my son and say, that's really none of your 145 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:40,799 business, which would mean I was not. 146 00:08:41,039 --> 00:08:43,760 Or I could say that was before I was a Christian, which also 147 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:49,040 would mean I was not. Or I could tell my son the truth 148 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:53,520 about my sexual past, not the details, the truth. 149 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:58,840 And the truth was I was not a virgin, but I wanted something 150 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:03,520 so much more for him. So here's the thing. 151 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:07,920 We can redeem our past by positioning the next generation 152 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:14,520 with something so much more. And sex is important. 153 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:16,360 It is. And again, I don't even like to 154 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:22,520 say sex intimacy, sexual intimacy is so important. 155 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:28,040 It is what weaves us together in a marriage, or it is what pulls 156 00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:33,320 us apart in adultery. Did you know all that? 157 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:39,200 Some of it, you know, this topic never ceases to entertain me, at 158 00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:43,000 least with how you handled it raising a boy myself. 159 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,640 But you have millennial boys, so they're not too far off from 160 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:50,080 what a lot of young people are navigating when it comes to sex 161 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:52,640 right now. So what I want to ask you is why 162 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:56,640 do you think sex is so misconstrued as you were telling 163 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,880 me even presented as sex now we're not calling it making love 164 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,320 or. Intimacy or? 165 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,720 And why I think that is, is because I think about to the 166 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,560 people in high school and they're like, EW, like that's 167 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,320 weird. Making love is weird, but sex is 168 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,000 normal. And I'm even thinking why? 169 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:15,000 Like why is the intimacy factor the weird part rather than the 170 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,680 less? So why? 171 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:20,360 Why are we struggling with intimacy and sex? 172 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,520 Well, first of all, we've removed God from sex. 173 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:26,160 We've made it either that, you know, like sex is wrong, it's 174 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:29,720 wrong the purity culture, like the purity culture, and I get 175 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,160 it. Like at first of all, I was not 176 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,880 a victim of the purity culture. I was the victim of the other 177 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,400 culture. So I was, I was, I was doing the 178 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:40,880 promiscuity route. But when I became a Christian, I 179 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:44,720 realized that there was a purity culture that I'd not been part 180 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:47,840 of and somehow there was toxic purity. 181 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:52,080 So it became like, OK, if you can't give your husband your 182 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,120 virginity, then you have no value. 183 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,720 Well, that's not, that's not the way God looks at thing. 184 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,880 And that was definitely my story. 185 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:02,200 I had regret. I had regret from my choices 186 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:04,680 that I had made when I was single. 187 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:08,080 And now what we've done is we've removed God from that area of 188 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:12,040 our lives and we've made, you know, the guides of pornography 189 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,640 or cosmopolitan. I don't even know what the women 190 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:18,480 look at now where it's it's they're like, that's my advisor 191 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:22,520 when it comes to sex. And it is all about self 192 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:26,720 gratification. It is all about taking it to the 193 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,800 next level. So, you know, I mean, I've heard 194 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,880 some crazy things that are going on right now. 195 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,800 Like I don't even want to defile my audience with what I'm 196 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,920 hearing right now where, where women are putting on things that 197 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:39,880 make them like men to do things to men. 198 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:43,480 I mean, things that are so crazy, my boys are like, how do 199 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:44,880 you know these things? I don't know. 200 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,040 It comes across my radar somehow. 201 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:52,800 But God is not against us enjoying sex. 202 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:57,480 Actually he wants us to drink deeply from the wells of 203 00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:00,480 intimacy. It is so clear where he talks 204 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,960 about the husband and the the wife of his youth that to take 205 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:07,960 delight in her. But we have a generation that's 206 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,640 like no sex is wrong, it's wrong, it's wrong. 207 00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:13,360 Don't do it, don't do it. And then magically for 208 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:15,640 Christians on their wedding day, they can do it. 209 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:20,160 We need to stop saying don't. We need to start saying it's not 210 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:23,160 time. It's a very big difference 211 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:26,800 between telling somebody for 15 years don't drive, don't drive, 212 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,720 don't drive. They no, they're not going to 213 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:32,000 drive and then just telling them it's not time to drive yet. 214 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,160 When it's time, we're going to teach you. 215 00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:39,960 And we have failed to teach a generation how to be skillful 216 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:43,360 with their sexuality. We have tried to hide them away. 217 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:45,600 Don't look at girls, don't look at guys. 218 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,320 Don't do this. Don't do that. 219 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:51,640 We have hid them away rather than trained them, and I worked 220 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:55,800 hard to tell my boys that your sexuality is one of your most 221 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:57,840 powerful things you will ever have. 222 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:03,880 Don't squander it in your youth. Use it correctly. 223 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,520 It is powerful. It is. 224 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:08,720 It is not something to be tampered with. 225 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:11,600 And I think too many people think, oh, no, my youth is when 226 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,800 I go for it, my youth when I'm 15 and 21. 227 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,960 And that's what you know, it's pretty much done by the time I'm 228 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,800 25. If I get married, sex is over. 229 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:22,720 No, no, no. When you get married, you're 230 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,000 just beginning to build something. 231 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,640 Yeah. Could I even answer your 232 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:28,240 question? I mean, I was following along 233 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,200 with everything you were saying. You did say, though, that 234 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:35,480 there's a difference between sex and lust and intimacy and love 235 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:37,520 and like this design that God originated. 236 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,920 Can you explain more of what that difference is? 237 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,760 Yes. So I'll go with I'll go with 238 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:44,200 something that's not charged here. 239 00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:48,480 So when I, I breastfed all of my boys until they asked me to 240 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:52,200 stop, Arden was 2 1/2. And I remember I, we were, 241 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:53,840 again, we were poor, we are traveling. 242 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:58,600 So I wasn't going to ever introduce food until I was ready 243 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,320 to give it to them on a regular basis. 244 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:06,720 And so I believe that sexual things are an appetite and it's 245 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:11,960 an appetite that's not supposed to be awakened until you're 246 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:15,200 going to actually have it on a regular basis. 247 00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:21,840 And I felt like as a, as a married couple, you do not want 248 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:26,240 to develop a sexual appetite. I mean, you, you can want each 249 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,320 other because you're, you're you're looking forward to 250 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:33,240 getting married, but when you have already awoke something in 251 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:37,800 the wrong season, that appetite that is developed is not a 252 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:41,760 healthy appetite. It is an appetite of lust. 253 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:45,400 It is appetite of taking. And then, you know, I hear a lot 254 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:48,000 of talk Christian about masturbation, whether it's 255 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:52,000 masturbation at by singles or masturbation with married 256 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,720 couples. I mean, there's a lot of people 257 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,440 like it's, it's a gift. It's a gift. 258 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:59,240 You know, I I'm just going, I'm just going to tell you this John 259 00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:04,680 are very big believers that if we are a part too much that we 260 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:08,640 deserve each other's passion when we get home, we're not 261 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:12,120 going to cheapen it with some something happening on the road 262 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:16,360 without me or without him. No, if you cannot have 263 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:19,600 self-control, you should not be away from each other that much. 264 00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:21,840 And if what is wrong with longing? 265 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:24,120 What is wrong with wanting somebody? 266 00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:27,800 What is wrong with a husband calling a wife and saying I miss 267 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,040 you. I can't wait to be with you. 268 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:33,800 When my husband says that to me, I know what he is saying. 269 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:37,640 I'm, I miss holding you. I miss being physically intimate 270 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:40,520 with you. Why would we spend it on 271 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:43,680 ourselves rather than share it with one another? 272 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,080 And then there's people that I, I get it. 273 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:49,680 You're, you're single and you're saying, I, I just, I feel alone. 274 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:54,960 Well, I told my boys, listen, when it comes to masturbation, 275 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,640 people want to know, is it a sin or not a sin? 276 00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:58,880 I always tell my boys, it's a shadow. 277 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:02,880 It's something that you do in the dark is something that will 278 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:07,680 cross the line between you and your future wife or your future 279 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:12,960 husband, and it will train you to be selfish, not giving. 280 00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:17,200 And so we have to talk about intimacy being developed between 281 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:21,040 two people, not I develop my intimacy over here, you develop 282 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,120 your intimacy over here. And then hopefully when we come 283 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:26,440 together, we're compatible. No, you, you build that 284 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:28,280 together. And that means you can actually 285 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,200 talk. You can actually talk and say 286 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:34,840 things like I, I, I don't like that or I do like this or, you 287 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:38,720 know, like we need to have the ability to communicate, not 288 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:43,000 think our husband or our wife is, is a magician and discussing 289 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,440 everything, right? There's way too much. 290 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:50,000 There's so much that are like in the explicit songs that's like, 291 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,000 oh, well, it's OK to talk about this. 292 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,120 But then when we're with our husband and wife, we feel like, 293 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:55,520 Oh well, we can't talk about that. 294 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:58,280 And it's so interesting to me. But I'm going to ask you a 295 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,120 question I never ever planned on asking. 296 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,920 But you bring up such a good point on longing. 297 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,079 And I think that's harder, especially as we're seeing 298 00:17:06,079 --> 00:17:08,880 couples get married later and later in age. 299 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:12,079 Like that's extending your time longing, of course so. 300 00:17:12,079 --> 00:17:15,079 Maybe they'd get married earlier if there wasn't alternatives. 301 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:17,079 She said. It I did. 302 00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:19,440 She said it OK. My question though, is you 303 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:21,920 talked about traveling. Obviously you and John travel a 304 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,160 lot and have traveled for a long time. 305 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:28,359 When you have that longing, is it problematic to introduce like 306 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:30,840 now? I don't even want to, especially 307 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:32,680 talking to my mother-in-law. I don't even want to talk about 308 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:34,000 all the things there are out there. 309 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:37,600 But like people use technology of Oh well, we will still be 310 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,480 intimate, but we'll introduce it A. 311 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,280 Vibrator or something? Is that what? 312 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:44,800 You say like sexting and sending photos and things like that. 313 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:46,800 Like do you feel like that? I feel like cheapens intimacy. 314 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,800 I feel like it cheapens it and I feel like it's a slippery slope. 315 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:56,200 Like I, I know that, and this is again, I know I'm 64, but I have 316 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,040 had conversations when I was younger with other people. 317 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:01,640 I know that there were some women that were like, I don't 318 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,280 have a problem with a vibrator because my husband doesn't 319 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:05,920 satisfy me. Well, he's never going to 320 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:09,440 satisfy you if you bond with a battery operated plastic thing. 321 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,400 Like you need to actually enjoy each other. 322 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:17,320 And if if you're doing that, it's going to become easy and 323 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:20,520 easier to go to that instead of go to him. 324 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:25,040 Hey, I am so excited. The fight for female Reclaiming 325 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:28,800 our Divine Identity book is now available. 326 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:33,320 I am so excited that you can get your hands on this message. 327 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:37,680 It is filled with practical wisdom and conversation. 328 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:40,600 So many people are like, Lisa, thank you so much. 329 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,960 I didn't know how to say or what to say. 330 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,600 And so I'm hearing the reviews. Super exciting. 331 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:48,000 You can grab your copy today on Amazon. 332 00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:51,200 Yeah, why not add a person or a show in there? 333 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:56,880 And that kind of is the slope it goes down and it's not, it's 334 00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,680 not, it's not the way we want to build. 335 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:01,320 I mean, what are you building again? 336 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:07,400 What is the focus gratification? And I think there's I think 337 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:12,600 there's just so much lost when we make it like is so when is 338 00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:15,600 sexting with my husband when I'm not with him. 339 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:19,560 Well, maybe like I want another guy to appreciate me too. 340 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:23,400 Yeah, exactly. No watching another couple have 341 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:26,600 sex. Oh, to to build our erotic. 342 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,200 No, no, you are you are watching something you're not supposed to 343 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:33,200 see. We do not watch other couples 344 00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:37,360 have sex to enrich our sex life. Yeah, for a while that might 345 00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:40,640 work, but then there's going to always be comparison and 346 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:45,000 contrast and fantasizing about another person instead of the 347 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,920 one you're with, I feel. Like what's common with young 348 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,440 women especially is the romance novels right now. 349 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:53,720 So maybe you're not even seeing it, but you're reading it, which 350 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:57,360 to me is even more vivid in your mind's eye than something 351 00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:00,480 someone captured in a scene. But what I hear as. 352 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:04,120 The argument, if you will, is, well, it helps us learn and we 353 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:06,720 need to know, but I don't think you really need to be taught 354 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:10,280 something that's innate that you can discover together. 355 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,800 I would 100% agree. And then comparison is The Thief 356 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,800 of Joy. Theodore Roosevelt made that 357 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:20,080 very clear. That also goes into your sexual 358 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:23,360 life when you read these novels. Because I made the mistake one 359 00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:26,440 time, I was so excited, I got an iPad and I was flying to 360 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,480 Australia. So I saw these free books and I 361 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:30,560 was like, Oh my gosh, I'm downloading these books. 362 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:32,680 I'm going to read them. This is going to be exciting. 363 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:34,800 And it was like the lost Princess or something. 364 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,960 And I started reading it. I'm like, wait a minute, this is 365 00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,440 porn. This is porn literature. 366 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:43,920 You know, how did this happen? And they were, they were giving 367 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:47,040 them away free so that you'd buy more. 368 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,600 And I, you know, I'm just like, delete, delete, delete. 369 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:54,760 But it immediately is like, well, why doesn't my husband 370 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:58,600 want to have sex 85 * a week? Like what, what's going on? 371 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:01,480 What did you really want? No, I wouldn't, but I'm just 372 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:07,200 thinking like you read these ridiculous scenarios and you're 373 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:11,280 like, well, I don't feel like my husband wants me or or I don't 374 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:14,120 feel like my wife wants me. And you know, when you're 375 00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:19,360 looking at you're paying to look at another woman who is taking 376 00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:22,760 away your power to be intimate with your wife. 377 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:24,120 I mean, let's just talk about that. 378 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,480 The adulteresss. Let's just say a porn star, 379 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:31,800 adulterer, fornicator. It is taking away your power to 380 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:37,000 form intimate bonds with your wife or your husband, you know? 381 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,000 And so we don't want to do that, and I do. 382 00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:42,440 I do feel from everything I've read when I was working on the 383 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:47,280 fight for a female, they say we have a generation having more 384 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:52,080 virtual sex and very little actual sex. 385 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,560 Now we just sit with that for a moment and they've got sex 386 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,680 robots coming out. It's a new thing. 387 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:03,880 It's a new thing. I need to go back to old 388 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:07,800 fashioned breaking love. I've even read that men that 389 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,800 dabble, married or single, that dabble with pornography and 390 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:14,000 masturbation have a huge increase in erectile 391 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,680 dysfunction. And so if like that hinders what 392 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:19,240 you were saying earlier, it hurts your marriage. 393 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,080 So what are the other things that you and John have seen that 394 00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:25,960 either you guys decided, hey, we're cutting this out to 395 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:29,240 increase our intimacy or we've seen this in other scenarios. 396 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:32,160 Be warning signs that you would say if you're a married couple 397 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:35,880 or you want to get married, do not do this so you can have a 398 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:37,800 thriving sex. Life Well, definitely don't 399 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:39,320 watch porn. That is not going to help you. 400 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:43,160 And I know I've heard so many couples say, well, we just, you 401 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:46,800 know, it's just we watch it together, we enjoy it together. 402 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,720 Then we act it out. I'm like, no, you just had a 403 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,400 foursome. Like what is going up? 404 00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:54,280 This is not that is not good. You know, And when Job said I 405 00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:56,760 made a covenant with my eyes that I would not sin against 406 00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,680 God, not sin against my wife, we make covenants with our eyes. 407 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:07,920 Now I will say for us, I'll say for me being a mom, having 408 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:12,200 little kids, traveling and speaking, there have been times 409 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:13,480 when my husband would say, I miss you. 410 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,560 I'm like, oh crap, that sounds, that sounds like work when you 411 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:18,680 come home. That sounds like just one more 412 00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:22,640 thing, just one more thing. But we, I had to remind myself, 413 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:29,360 Lisa, you enjoy sex. It needs to be a priority. 414 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:35,600 It needs to be something that you give time and attention to 415 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:37,520 whether you feel like it in the moment. 416 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:40,040 So we kind of developed what we call the five minute rule. 417 00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:44,880 And this is I just tell my husband, you've got 5 minutes to 418 00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:46,560 get me in the mood. And if you get me in the mood, 419 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:49,160 you can have me. And so it's like a contest. 420 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:52,640 He he's about, I can do that. And I'm like, and there's times 421 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:59,000 I'm like, Oh no, but but I want him to know that I'm willing, 422 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:02,440 that I'm willing even if I think I'm not able. 423 00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,080 And there's been times where both, you know, little kids, 424 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:09,360 we're like, I would, I would love to have sex, but if we can 425 00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:11,240 just find each other in the middle of the night, that'd be 426 00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:12,680 great because I'm just too tired right now. 427 00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:15,000 You know, John was like, we understand. 428 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:20,640 So if you have young kids and you're too tired, you need to 429 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:23,920 find a different time. You need to, there needs to be a 430 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:28,920 different arrangement and like, whether it's while they're at 431 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:33,360 school or there's a moment where you put on a show for them or I 432 00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:36,720 don't know. But if you are always too tired, 433 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:40,880 then then you're going to have to carve some time out because 434 00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:44,400 it is worthy of your attention. You don't. 435 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:47,720 And text is an appetite. And we don't want to shame our 436 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:52,160 husbands for having a desire or shame our the wives for having a 437 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,640 desire. We want to make sure that it 438 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,840 stays healthy and starve it. You don't want to starve it. 439 00:24:57,880 --> 00:24:59,040 Yeah. Yeah. 440 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:02,200 So I mean, for us, we just kind of remind ours. 441 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:07,400 Like sometimes we'll say we had sex, we need to have sex. 442 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,120 Like, Oh my gosh, we haven't had sex for a while. 443 00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:10,800 That's right. Oh, we need to make that happen. 444 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,560 Like we just, it's kind of like a joke, but it's serious. 445 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:15,760 We're like we, we need to make sure that happens. 446 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:18,840 And with the travel and stuff, what you know, like we have to 447 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:22,440 be like, all right, this is important because we're not 448 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:25,480 going to see each other for 10 days or whatever the, the span 449 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:28,760 of time is. And so having it as a priority 450 00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:31,400 is huge. But understanding it's a 451 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:36,360 principle that builds intimacy and legacy, I think is the the 452 00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:41,000 most important that if you have built your marriage on lust, 453 00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:44,480 like you talked about, whether it's what you're wearing or how 454 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:47,520 you're, you know, whatever that that is, if you're building it 455 00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:51,000 on something that you can build in your 20s that you cannot 456 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:54,360 maintain in your 70s, it's going to be so I always have said 457 00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:58,160 awaken it in the realm of intimacy and beauty. 458 00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:01,880 And so intimacy and beauty. And again, I'm not saying you 459 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:05,280 can't have, you know, like lingerie or whatever. 460 00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:08,880 I'm just saying make sure how you awaken it is how you can 461 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:10,800 maintain it. Make sure the appetite because I 462 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:14,440 think the wife is actually responsible for developing the 463 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:17,440 appetite of her husband. What she feeds him, like what I 464 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:21,360 feed John food wise is the same thing is like, I'm going to do 465 00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:23,640 that presentation. You know, I've always heard the 466 00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:27,280 best marriage advice is, yeah, pasta, serve food naked. 467 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:30,200 You just just like do it. I have not done it, not done it. 468 00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:32,200 But I've heard that like, men love food. 469 00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:34,200 And knock on the door before dinnertime. 470 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:36,200 I will not just show up. We'll have to start locking, but 471 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:40,520 yes, I'm joking, I've not done it. 472 00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:42,920 You don't need to be a word. But the principle behind that 473 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:46,320 being. That that you could have fun, 474 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:51,120 you can have fun. And I think that every single 475 00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:56,080 poll when a Christian is involved in a relationship with 476 00:26:56,160 --> 00:27:01,600 a loving mate, every single poll says that Christians actually 477 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:06,200 have more enjoyment of of sex than non Christians. 478 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:10,720 And married couples have more frequent and more enjoyment of 479 00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:12,920 sex than non married. Wow isn't. 480 00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:17,640 That crazy? I interviewed Taya Kyle not too 481 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:21,800 long ago on another podcast and she was sharing just some really 482 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,160 great. I wish I had them in front of 483 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:27,920 me, but stats on how men actually, you know, they there 484 00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:31,400 is an appetite and there's so much free buffets out there 485 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:34,920 right now that I think many women even listening to this are 486 00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,560 thinking, well, I don't even know a man that wants to be with 487 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:41,120 me intimacy as his wife because he has all these other options 488 00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:42,840 out there. But she was saying how men can 489 00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:47,600 have sex and casual sex and not be affected by it. 490 00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:49,920 Women actually cannot because of their wiring. 491 00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:54,320 But when a man gets married, he finds his new fulfillment within 492 00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:56,120 commitment. And so I think there's something 493 00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:59,760 there in what you're saying on communication where when we 494 00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:04,280 actually know how to serve each other with intimacy, that's not 495 00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:05,920 just physical. Like, I feel like you're in 496 00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:08,400 John's spiritual intimacy feature physical. 497 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:11,480 Your emotional intimacy feature physical. 498 00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:15,080 And our purpose and then you know, I love what you what you 499 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:21,280 were saying like I I think that sex is about meeting my needs. 500 00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:25,880 Intimacy is about serving the other person and your needs are 501 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:28,560 met in the process. Like if I have sex with my 502 00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:32,160 husband, if if for some reason he doesn't think it was 503 00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:34,680 fulfilling for me, it's he's not happy. 504 00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:38,400 Like he wants me to have enjoyed it as much as he enjoyed it. 505 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,680 He's not going to be like, hey, I'm a man and I'm going to enjoy 506 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:42,920 this. Whether you want to enjoy it or 507 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:45,280 not, this is your marital duty. He's not doing that to me. 508 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:48,160 He's like, I want you to enjoy it. 509 00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:52,080 He wants to build a good memory. He wants it me to want to have 510 00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:55,440 sex with him more. And my husband thinks that, you 511 00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:57,400 know, this is what's so funny about John. 512 00:28:57,680 --> 00:29:04,480 John sees me so much through the legacy of love that he literally 513 00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:07,120 probably thinks that I have the same body I had in my 20s. 514 00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:10,600 Like he'll say things like your body is just the same. 515 00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:13,440 Like that is such a lie. I would let you think that I'm 516 00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:16,880 going to let you think that, you know, And he, because he sees it 517 00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:22,120 through years of love. He sees it through carrying his 518 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:24,640 children. I mean, I've got some scars on 519 00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:27,320 my legs where it looked like I was clawed by a tiger that are 520 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:30,200 stretch marks. And he isn't like, oh, those 521 00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:31,600 stretch marks, you need to take care of that. 522 00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:33,880 He's like, one time I was like, look at this. 523 00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:35,960 They're they're migrating down my leg. 524 00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:38,080 And he's like, don't show that to me. 525 00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:41,280 And I said, why not? He said, because that's not how 526 00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:44,400 I see you. He said, I see, I don't see any 527 00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:48,520 of your flaws. I just see you and that is like 528 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:51,840 that is love seeing one another in the best light. 529 00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:58,280 So I'm sure there's some dating or unmarried couples listening 530 00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:00,240 to this. I want to know what was the 531 00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:03,760 advice you gave your boys that you would give someone that's 532 00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:07,320 not yet in the married realm, that's still wanting to protect 533 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:09,200 and cultivate a healthy intimacy? 534 00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:11,840 Well, first I lied to my boys. I'll just be honest with you. 535 00:30:11,840 --> 00:30:12,920 I lied to them. At first. 536 00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:15,000 I was like, hey, you get AIDS by kissing. 537 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:19,400 I mean, I was like, be afraid. Women are just going to take 538 00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:21,320 your money. Just don't worry, I'll just 539 00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:23,040 arrange marriages you. Started the toxic purity. 540 00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:25,120 Culture there it is. I did I said, I'm going to 541 00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:29,640 embrace the toxic purity culture for my sons and and then I was 542 00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:33,760 like, this is not helping like this is not going to serve us. 543 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:36,880 Lying to my children is not going to help them. 544 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:42,480 And so I, I started to actually just say, what do you, what do 545 00:30:42,480 --> 00:30:44,280 you want as marriage? What do you want to build into 546 00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:46,880 the future? Like what, what is your hope? 547 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:49,840 What is your hope? And talking to my boys and 548 00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:52,720 saying, like, I remember John telling the boys, you know, if 549 00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:56,440 you involve pornography now and masturbation now, it's going to 550 00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:58,400 go into your marriage. And I remember specifically your 551 00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:00,880 husband was like, what it's going to go into my, no, I don't 552 00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:03,640 want that in my marriage. And he was like, exactly. 553 00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:08,560 So let's actually build legacy that you want to live with. 554 00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:12,280 And our our boys had accountability with each other. 555 00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:16,800 We did open door policy, which some of my sons still enforce on 556 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:19,880 me when they're at my house. That was more about they were 557 00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:22,960 sharing room as brothers. They would just help each other 558 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:28,960 steward their sexuality and we would also give our boys books 559 00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:32,080 to listen to as they went to sleep at night so that their 560 00:31:32,080 --> 00:31:36,240 mind was fixed on the right things and not just left to 561 00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:39,520 wander. I also made sure that I was very 562 00:31:39,520 --> 00:31:42,920 careful with giving my boys physical affection. 563 00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:47,560 Physical affection when kids go into that weird awkward state 564 00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:50,400 when they start smelling and they're teenagers, they are 565 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:55,760 desperate for physical affection and you'll kind of like try to 566 00:31:55,760 --> 00:31:59,120 push them away. They need you to hug them and 567 00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:02,640 hold them and listen to them and rub their backs at night and 568 00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:05,920 just sit with them. They need it more than you 569 00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:07,880 understand. And if you don't give it to 570 00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:10,320 them, they'll substitute the sexual. 571 00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:14,840 And so we want to be present and aware, but we told our boys 572 00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:18,680 like, listen, we, we were negligent in certain areas that 573 00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:22,120 we want you to be skillful with. We told our boys, all your 574 00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:25,240 friends are going to act like they know everything they don't. 575 00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:29,400 If you want to know more than your friends come to us, then we 576 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:31,920 had to make a promise that when they came to us and asked us 577 00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:35,040 shocking and alarming things that we were not going to ask 578 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:38,600 for names or take phone numbers. We would just listen. 579 00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:43,080 Other things that we did with our boys is we would tell them, 580 00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:46,920 tell them that we loved each other, that we enjoyed each 581 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:49,720 other. I would celebrate my husband in 582 00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:51,920 front of my son's. I would say, guys, I don't mean 583 00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:53,600 look at your dad, look at your dad. 584 00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:54,880 He just gets cuter every single year. 585 00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:57,280 I don't I don't know how I haven't been pregnant 10 times. 586 00:32:57,640 --> 00:32:59,240 My boys are like, that is so weird. 587 00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:02,120 And I would say, well, I'm sorry, this is just the truth. 588 00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:04,480 What was I doing? What was I doing? 589 00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:07,520 I was not just celebrating my husband. 590 00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:13,360 I was preparing my sons or how they should be treated by a 591 00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:16,360 woman, a woman that would celebrate them rather than 592 00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:20,280 demean them or manipulate them. A woman who would say, look how 593 00:33:20,280 --> 00:33:23,120 cute he is, that would compliment them in front of 594 00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:26,840 other people. And I don't want to shame men or 595 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:31,880 women for celebrating one another's beauty or strength. 596 00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:35,680 And so that was really, really important for me to model and 597 00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:39,840 then using every opportunity, every opportunity to teach my 598 00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:44,760 boys so much, so much of what they saw in their lives, what 599 00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:47,360 they saw in high school, what they saw in movies, what they 600 00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:51,680 saw was opportunities to say, what about what are your 601 00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:53,120 thoughts on that choice they made? 602 00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:57,840 What were your thoughts on that? What, what, what do you, what 603 00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:00,720 could have, what could have been different if people made a 604 00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:05,520 different choice in that moment? And then we always told our 605 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:10,159 kids, no matter what choices you make, you never have to hide 606 00:34:10,159 --> 00:34:14,480 from our presence. You can always come back to us. 607 00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:20,480 You can always bring shame or fear to us and we will help you 608 00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:22,880 navigate it. Don't take it to the dark 609 00:34:22,880 --> 00:34:25,400 because it grows in the dark. Bring it to the light. 610 00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:27,840 Bring it to us. Then we'll pray with you. 611 00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:31,440 We'll navigate it with you. And you know all of my boys. 612 00:34:31,639 --> 00:34:33,760 I know they, they are loving their wives. 613 00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:37,040 Well, they're probably loving bringing their wives better than 614 00:34:37,040 --> 00:34:39,280 than John and I knew how to love one another. 615 00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:43,040 And I remember when one of my sons got married, he actually 616 00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:47,000 called me from his honeymoon and he was like, this is amazing. 617 00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:49,400 I was like, I don't really think I'm supposed to be part of this 618 00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:54,960 conversation, but the fact that he had waited and she waited. 619 00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:59,040 They were celebrating so much of their intimacy together. 620 00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:02,800 And to me, that was so sweet that they had no shame. 621 00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:05,080 And they were not just celebrating it together, but 622 00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:07,240 they were calling me to celebrate, which I was like, 623 00:35:07,240 --> 00:35:10,920 wow, OK, that's the next level. I did not call my mom and 624 00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:13,400 celebrate. We were back in the garden. 625 00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:15,680 There's no shame, no shame, so much celebration. 626 00:35:15,720 --> 00:35:19,000 In much shape, you know, maybe you're listening and you're 627 00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:21,080 saying, hey, that's great for Christian and that's great for 628 00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:24,040 you, Lisa. But I have messed up over and 629 00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:26,160 over and over again. I'm actually even at the place 630 00:35:26,160 --> 00:35:30,440 where I am ashamed to go to God. I'm I'm looking at pornography. 631 00:35:30,440 --> 00:35:33,160 I've been promiscuous. I've I don't know, maybe even 632 00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:35,680 cheated on your husband. I'm just going to tell you that 633 00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:38,800 God wants to get involved. I don't believe you're watching 634 00:35:38,800 --> 00:35:44,360 this by any accident. But if you have been involved in 635 00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:47,960 a sexual nightmare, I'm not going to hand you a list of 636 00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:51,320 rules. I'm going to invite you to fight 637 00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:56,480 the way God fights nightmares. He fights them with dreams. 638 00:35:56,840 --> 00:36:00,840 I believe, I believe with all of my heart that God can take the 639 00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:05,400 dirtiness and the shame of our past and he can flip it for a 640 00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:09,640 redeemed and enjoyed and beautiful future. 641 00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:11,840 Yes. Do I, do I have regrets? 642 00:36:12,240 --> 00:36:14,560 You know, I to be honest with you, I have regrets. 643 00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:19,440 I wish, I wish I would have done differently, but the truth is I 644 00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:23,000 took it. And instead of allowing shame to 645 00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:27,480 hinder me or trap me in the unhealthy, ungodly patterns, I 646 00:36:27,480 --> 00:36:29,760 redeemed it. I redeemed it and said, all 647 00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:32,320 right, I want more for the next generation. 648 00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:35,560 And if you're in that position and you're listening to me, I 649 00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:40,200 believe that God wants to recalibrate your life. 650 00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:43,080 I believe that if you will lean into God. 651 00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:48,760 And I did communion, I did fasting, and I did worship. 652 00:36:49,240 --> 00:36:51,600 I said, God, you know what? You are the one that is going to 653 00:36:51,600 --> 00:36:56,640 satisfy me. I'm going to lay my sexuality at 654 00:36:56,640 --> 00:36:59,360 your feet. And I'm going to believe that 655 00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:03,560 the lust that has driven me is no longer going to be my master. 656 00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:06,840 I'm going to crucify my flesh. That doesn't mean we stab it. 657 00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:08,240 That doesn't mean we whip ourselves. 658 00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:12,720 It means I say, hey, I'm going to deny myself and I'm going to 659 00:37:12,720 --> 00:37:15,720 take up the cross. I'm going to follow you and I'm 660 00:37:15,720 --> 00:37:18,840 going to lean into worship and I'm going to believe that you 661 00:37:18,840 --> 00:37:23,080 can sing that lullaby. When my boys were little and 662 00:37:23,080 --> 00:37:26,360 they had a nightmare and they came into my room and said, mom, 663 00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:29,520 mom, I had a nightmare. I didn't say, Oh my gosh, here's 664 00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:31,200 the rules. Here's the rules. 665 00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:33,680 There are no monsters. Here's the next rule. 666 00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:35,960 You don't bother your mom in the middle of the night. 667 00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:39,160 Here's the third rule. You don't talk about nightmares. 668 00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:45,560 No, I went into their room if John was home, Oregon if they. 669 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:48,720 If John was gone, I pulled him into my bed and what did I do? 670 00:37:49,080 --> 00:37:54,880 I told them stories and I sang them songs to put back to sleep 671 00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:58,920 what had been awakened in the wrong manner in the wrong way. 672 00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:03,000 And we have a generation right now that is experiencing a 673 00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:05,320 sexual nightmare. All you have to do is go through 674 00:38:05,320 --> 00:38:09,560 Instagram and you can see the confusion, you can see the fear, 675 00:38:09,640 --> 00:38:14,160 you can see the distortion. And God wants to rescue that 676 00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:17,480 generation not with rules, but with dreams. 677 00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:22,280 And so you're that woman. You're that young person, you 678 00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:24,120 feel messed up, you've messed up. 679 00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:29,760 I'm going to tell you right now God can do a healing in a single 680 00:38:29,920 --> 00:38:33,560 moment. You can actually enter into a 681 00:38:33,560 --> 00:38:37,320 whole new season. I love how David said to to God, 682 00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:40,600 cleanse me, cleanse me and I will be clean. 683 00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:43,640 See, a lot of times God says I'm I'm willing, I'm willing to 684 00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:47,040 cleanse it when he's like, yeah, but what we but I still remember 685 00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:49,400 the I still remember what I did. I still remember the shame. 686 00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:53,480 He's like, hey, I do not condemn you now I'm empowering you to go 687 00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:57,440 and sin no more, to live a life of shame and shadow. 688 00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:01,720 Jesus says go and sin no more. He's not like, do it again. 689 00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:03,520 You're under the rock pile. He's not saying that. 690 00:39:03,720 --> 00:39:06,880 He's saying I believe better things. 691 00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:11,320 I do not condemn you go and sin no more. 692 00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:16,040 You can be empowered to go and sin no more, but you will never 693 00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:19,040 be empowered by rules that constrain you outwardly. 694 00:39:19,200 --> 00:39:22,680 You will be empowered by the love that comes compels you. 695 00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:26,200 So I'm just going to challenge you to receive the love of God, 696 00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:29,720 to receive the washing. What does God tell us? 697 00:39:29,720 --> 00:39:35,760 He said, though your sins be like scarlet, scarlet, I'll make 698 00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:38,600 them white as snow. He said, come, let's reason 699 00:39:38,600 --> 00:39:40,000 together. He's saying you can't make 700 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:41,720 yourself clean. You can't. 701 00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:45,360 I'll make you clean. Invite him into your life. 702 00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:48,160 Invite him to that area of your life. 703 00:39:48,840 --> 00:39:52,040 Pornography, masturbation, literature. 704 00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:54,880 I don't know what you're doing. I don't know where the dark hole 705 00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:58,040 of shame is. There is no pit you can dig for 706 00:39:58,040 --> 00:40:01,240 yourself that is beyond his reach of rescue. 707 00:40:01,720 --> 00:40:05,560 Invite him into that place and watch what he will do in your 708 00:40:05,560 --> 00:40:08,600 life. Well, we hope you have enjoyed 709 00:40:08,600 --> 00:40:11,640 this episode and we want to bring you content that is life 710 00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:14,240 giving and interesting. So if you are enjoying these 711 00:40:14,240 --> 00:40:17,040 episodes, please make sure that you subscribe, rate a review, 712 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:19,360 and we will see you on the next episode of the Fight for Female 713 00:40:19,360 --> 00:40:20,040 podcast.