I just remember my motherhood journey as like a blur.
I thought I am not enjoying my children or my marriage.
I'm just. Surviving Mother is not a title,
it's a task. I had played with dolls, I had
played with Barbies, I had met the man of my dreams.
I was like, OK, I'm ready for this.
And so I was surprised by how much of the time I felt like I
had no idea what I was doing. I think.
I was surprised First off, how much isolation has grown within
motherhood. Like how do I show up and look
like the perfect? Mom, I feel like mothers are
incredibly hard on themselves. And when you're hard on yourself
long enough, you take it out on other people.
And I took it out on my husband. Look, can I interdict and ask
what shifted from the season that you just described?
So one of the things. Was.
Welcome to the Least of Year podcast and we're going to be
talking today about all things motherhood.
And I am so excited because joining me today are two of my
beautiful, magnificent daughter in law's Juliana Bevier, the
mother of four, and Christian Bevier, the mother of two.
Now, this is what's fun. Juliana is doing preteens and
teens and Christian is doing toddlers.
So I kind of feel like we can run the gamut when we talk about
motherhood. And first of all, I just want, I
want to say this on the very beginning.
We celebrate motherhood and there is no such thing as I'm
just a mother. We all know that mothers do way
more than people even see or can imagine.
So we're going to dive right into the conversation.
I'm going to ask the question, oh, Julie, since you've done
mothering the longest between the two of you, what is
something that surprised you that you learned about yourself
by being a mother? Oh man, something that surprised
me. There are so, so, so many
things, the teenage years that I mean, they're shocking every
single day in some of the best possible ways.
I think what surprised me though, was so much of myself
that came alive and grew through motherhood.
I mean, I became a mother when I was really 19 is when my son was
growing inside of me and 20 when I birthed.
Him I remember I kept saying don't give birth yet I don't
want a teen pregnancy in our family.
Just joking. Technically we had it anyway and
I, I was surprised by how hard it was.
Honestly, I had. That motherhood was hard.
Oh yeah. See, yeah, motherhood.
I had babysat. And so I thought I was ready.
I was ready to be a mom. I had played with dolls.
I had played with Barbies. I had met the man of my dreams.
I was like, OK, I'm ready for this.
And so I was surprised by how much of the time I felt like I
had no idea what I was doing. Which is such a relief to
everyone. It's just, you know, I, I I
should have shared the advice someone had given me when I was
pregnant with your husband. Somebody said, relax, your baby
has no idea. You don't know what you're
doing. Yeah.
And that was such a big comfort to me because you are making it
up as you go along. And what works with the first
baby? It doesn't work with the next
one, no. Yeah, because I remember Asher.
Like you'd lay him down and he'd go to sleep.
And I remember Sophia Blood. Curdling.
Throwing everything out of the bad area, just like Passy gone,
blanket gone. I remember I babysitter, I had
to set the timer because the blood curdling screen was so
intense that I wanted to rescue her right away.
And I was like, Julie said I have to wait this long.
And she'd be like sweaty. And like, I was like, Oh my
gosh, yeah. Totally different personality.
We were like cut throat baby wise parents, which if I were
parenting now I probably would do a bit different.
But I think that part too is surprising to me that you, you
do what you know to be best and inevitably you make mistakes and
somehow it's still OK. Like you bring the humility, the
surrender. You and I were in a church
service recently. I don't know if Christian went
to church that day. And the pastor said pastor is
not a title, it's a task. And I've thought about that so
many times. I I have said it out loud a
couple times to people. Well, and it reverberated in my
mind as mother is not a title, it's a task, and it's a task
that even from the moment you discover you are a mother, your
body is already doing it without you signing up or anything.
I mean, you know you there there were things that happened that
created this life within you, but that reality of mother is
not a title. It's a task and a task that
before you even knew you were doing, your body was doing.
And there's something within that Lisa, that unforced rhythm
of grace where I don't know I've lost sight of it so many times
through my 17 years of making a baby and mothering children.
I'm I'm I feel the Lord, just a fresh welcoming me to this place
like hey, you're you're already doing it.
It doesn't require you being cognitive of every single
decision for it to be happening like I'm in this.
You said yes. Here we go.
Well, first and foremost, I just want you to know that I watched
both you and Christian from the outside.
It looks like you are doing IT support superbly.
I'm like, I'm so glad because I just remember my motherhood
journey as like a blur. Like they all survived.
I fed them. But I just feel like there was a
blur of me yelling, me feeling bad for yelling, me not yelling
me, like just me not sleeping. It just feels like there's this,
this the blessed blur. Obviously all grown up and
married now, but I mean, I from the outside, I always see you do
it very graciously. And sometimes John and I, we, we
when we come over, we watch your teens interacting with y'all.
I'm like, oh, I, I remember this.
I remember this, this is this feels fair.
This feels fair. One of the funniest moments for
me was when you told me that you were having a, a conversation
with, with Asher and you looked at Addison as it go down the
street right now and apologize to your buddy.
I was like, it might fix some things.
All right, So, Christian, what thing about motherhood has
surprised you? First of all, we all need to
know Christian has come into the motherhood of boys world.
Like Julie grew up with brothers.
She's got a younger brother and an older brother.
You came from female Infinity. So Azariah is still the first
boy and 50 plus years, I think there's like 13 granddaughters.
And so they're like, what did you do?
Like what? How did you?
Do that. Yeah.
It's like go to Italy. I don't know, come from an all
boy family. Yeah.
I mean, on the positive side, I've been just so delighted.
And, you know, I think my son is 3 going on 30.
He just has like an old soul, sweet, tender heart.
And that was a surprise in and of itself.
Like there's kind of like Julie said, you know, so much going
in, but then there's so much that you don't know until you
discover it. And the kindness of little boys
mixed with the testosterone rises and the car love is has
been really sweet. Yelling backhoe digger like
excavator everything. How quickly your brain can auto
tune to that like where you're driving solo and you go school
bus. Oh wait, no one's no one's on
the car. It's surprising.
But it you know, there's I think I was surprised First off, how
much isolation has grown within motherhood.
And there is this expectation, like I know you say that is a
very kind gesture of, you know, from the outside it looks great.
But a lot of people, if they don't have close knit family or
community, they don't know how to have anything past that.
It's like, how do I show up and look like the perfect mom?
How do I make all the school treats?
Have you know, the hair bows in which you know, there is this
beautiful, tender kind part of motherhood, but then there's
also this struggle for so many moms that are doing it alone.
And maybe that's why someone even clicked on this video
because you're like, I need the secret tips because I feel like
I'm failing. So even just hearing you both
admit that and say that is like, there are days where you lose
your temper. There are times when even the
way that women are driven to motherhood is so different than
fatherhood. I've seen that the way we have
estrogen in women is protective of a lot of things, but we're
more Privy to, you know, mental health anomalies.
And some of that I think is beautiful because our brains are
wired to hear our children in the middle of the night.
They are wired to be. I was.
Going to say it's called sleep deprivation.
It's called craziness, but there's just so much that I
think, you know, God created and has to be protective, but we're
not necessarily protecting ourselves as mothers by being
vulnerable With the right community, there's not a torch
being passed for many people. I'm so thankful for the way that
I have you and Julie and my family around me and the amount
of times I feel like every mom needs another mom to text,
especially with their first baby.
Like, don't Google everything. Don't think you're failing.
Just have a confidant. I mean, and Julie was that for
me in a lot of ways. And I've been able to be that
for other people. And I hope there is this new
shift coming in motherhood because with social media in
your own thoughts, it's so easy get trapped in the motions and
then feel like you're failing rather than realize you are
becoming and you are learning, kind of what Julie was saying.
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What has you found to be the most challenging?
Is it feeling like you're making up as you go along or what?
What has been the most challenging?
To be really raw, probably the most challenging has been I
think there was the inevitable balance that I first realized
when my first like, OK, well, how do I coexist with this woman
that I've becoming been becoming for the last 20 something years
and this mother. And then when I welcomed my
second, I started having just inconsistencies with my health
and that played into emotional areas and you know, my patience
and all these things where I used to think I'm patient and
I'm light hearted and kind. And then recently I've just felt
like my patience is off, my health is off.
I can't control how I feel every single day.
And you know, that's scary to think how how do I be there for
everyone when I don't know how I'm going to show up each day?
How do I be a rock for them while wondering like how to take
care of me? And I think every mother's fear,
whether you feel incredible or whether you are shopping, I know
there's moms with postpartum depression.
There's people that don't have anyone around them.
That's a scary thought is like these people rely on me.
What if I let them down or if let my husband down?
And so that's been that's been kind of my struggle as you see
all these beautiful chips in front of you.
And it's really is this daily surrender.
Like what can I do today? And for me, as you know, call it
a first born daughter, call it the, you know, whatever it is,
Southern passive aggressive Bonifer, maybe a perfectionist
is realizing there are some chips that might fall and that's
OK. That's kind of my my dance right
now. So I went to bed every single
night with a list when I was a young mother.
And the list was well, first of all, I was really good at taking
care of everybody but myself. That was for sure that I was the
last person to be taken care of. And I even it even played out
with laundry, like I would wash all the clothes, but I would I
would put away everybody's clothes except for mine.
Mine would be in the hamper. I was like, what is wrong with
me? I trifle John's underwear and
put it away. And mine is like wadded up in a
laundry basket. What is wrong with me?
And, and I had to really realize there's a big difference between
taking care of yourself and being careless with your health.
Because I was like, I'm denying myself.
I'm a martyr. I'm taking care of my family.
I'm taking care of my husband. I'm self sacrificing.
Yeah. And, and I don't, I, there's
this moment where I specifically remember we had blue carpet.
So I remember the carpet. I remember I have laundry spread
out on the floor. I've just like dumped a load
out. I'm sorting through the laundry.
I've got children running around.
And John looks at me and said, do you want to go golfing?
And I'm like, what? I mean, I'm like, first of all,
I'm like, what in the world possessed you to think that
right now? Does this.
I'm folding laundry, you know, possibly hygiene challenged.
I'd be like, what, what made you think?
And then I was like, well, you've got, I've got children in
laundry and, and he said, well, we could get a babysitter.
And I and I was like, do you see this laundry?
And what I wanted him to do was get down on the floor, fold it
for me with me, not for me with me.
Arrange for a babysitter. But I remember in the moment, he
looked at me and said, oh, yeah, OK, bye.
And I just remember thinking, he's not a mind reader.
I'm furious with him. But I didn't even tell him what
I wanted. And I wanted him to carry the
load with me. And yet he was like, I need, I
need a break. And I wanted him to make that
break possible for me. And when he didn't do it, I was
mad at him. But I never even said, that
sounds amazing. I'm not sure how I could do
that. I was just, I've made it sound
impossible. And he was like, yeah, you're
right, It's impossible. And just, and I, I remember
after that, I thought, I am not enjoying my children or my
marriage. I'm just surviving.
I am just, I'm not flourishing. I'm just surviving.
And then every night I went to bed and I thought you didn't get
enough done. You, you know, you didn't get
enough done with this. And I was editing John's books,
taking care of, you know, Arden, you know, and, and I was, he was
gone so much. It was just like this rhythm of
just every single day. I felt like I I failed every
single day. And I feel like, you know, maybe
the moms out there don't have a husband that travels or a book
to edit or four children, but they have Instagram constantly
telling of them. Look at their house.
What's your house look like? I mean, my house was a Lego
explosion. I mean, there was just constant,
constant, you know, laundry in the hamper because if they were
all clean, I had no place to put it away.
I mean, it was just a constant. And I feel like mothers are
incredibly hard on themselves. And when you're hard on yourself
long enough, you take it out on other people.
And I took it out of my husband because I didn't want to take
out on my children. And yeah, I mean, I'm just
looking back and there's so many things that you know what you
just said, you want to be there for everybody, but if you're not
getting it from God, then you have nothing to give.
And there's that. There was this book where the
the person that opened up, they said, she said, who mothers, the
mothers. And unfortunately, we don't have
the older women mothering the younger women and we don't have
the mothers of mothers or there's been some generational
breach. And I know for me, I knew what
the kind of mother I didn't want to be, but I didn't know how to
become the mother I wanted to be.
And again, I, I look at both of you with such admiration and I
love that you're being vulnerable.
But I guess I would say to both of you, you're probably both
doing better than you know. And even with all of our
mistakes like you highlighted, Julie, even even the things that
I can look back and regret, they became God gaps for my children
to seek God, seek their father God and he filled those gaps.
So what has been? What would be your?
Current challenge right now, Can I interject and ask you what
shifted from the season that you just described and the
realization that you had, what shifted and help like
illuminated the way? Forward from them and I wish it
was just like an immediate shift I started to take some some
steps so one of the things was I had to I had to actually give
myself permission to take care of myself.
I remember I listened to this lady saying exactly what I
brought up earlier about there's a difference between denying
yourself and neglecting yourself.
And she said when you neglect yourself, you actually bring
your worst version of self to the people who need you at your
best. And and so I thought, I am not
denying myself. I'm not being godly.
I'm not being a martyr. I'm neglecting myself.
And it was when I was pregnant with Arden, we had a car wreck
or I had a car wreck. John wasn't with me.
I had a son was in the back seat was and I was picking up, I
think Alec or Austin from somebody's house.
And I was turning, I was turning right and a Dodge Ram pickup
hydroplaned and hit my Honda Civic.
And so because we are, I took the whole impact of as the
driver pregnant hit the wind hit, hit the hit the steering
wheel with my, you know, my pregnant body whiplashed.
Horrible, horrible. I like when people were like, I
have whiplash. I was like, you're a whip.
And then the next whiplash. Exactly.
That's all I thought. Well, the next day I woke up and
I was like, what is this excruciating headache?
What's going on? You know, I don't know what's
going on and like broke a tooth like my jaw like like jutted.
I broke a tooth off, you know, like my, one of my bottom teeth
broke because my jaw clenched up.
It was terrible. And I'm like, what is going on?
And what happened was insurance paid actually for a housekeeper
and I would never have a housekeeper.
I was like, they don't do a good job.
I do it better. And after after that I was like,
come in, my friends come. I don't care what you miss, just
come in. I mean, like I went from I went
from and this is terrible and my kids will remember this.
I went from being that mom that would bleach the grout on my
tile floors with a toothbrush. I would scrub it with a
toothbrush and like comment and bleach and as in my head
thinking no one gets this grout as clean as I get.
I can't believe John would ever want to hire a cleaning.
This is pre accident pregnant with Arden scrubbing late at
night and I remember I'm putting my three boys to bed and it was
Austin. He was on the top bunk, or he
was. He was on.
Maybe Alec was on the bottom. I don't remember.
Anyway, hi, I remember I would pray over the boys and I have
them put their fingers up. It's called 3 fingers.
And I pray for them and have them put their fingers down when
they were done being prayed for because they'd always say you
shouldn't remember to pray for me.
So I was like, no, we're doing this, you know, put fist, fist
pump, we're done. So Austin said I want to pray
for you. And so he said you have me put
my fingers up. And he said, Jesus, let mommy be
fresh in the morning, let mommy be fresh in the morning, let
mommy be fresh in the morning. And I was like, my son is
picking up that I'm doing things for hours after they go to bed
and I am exhausted and I get up more tired.
You know what is going on. And I felt like when I had the
car accident, that was the turning point for me.
And I remember I was in the in the bathtub when I was crying.
I was in a lot of pain. I was in the bath trying to, you
know, pregnant, trying to calm the whole muscles down.
And I really felt like I heard the Holy Spirit say, I'm sorry
it took you being incapacitated for you to realize that you have
limits and you cannot control everything.
And I just started crying. And so I just started say, OK,
you know what? I'm going to say no to certain
things. I'm going to have a cleaning
lady every other we, I'm going to take care of myself.
I, after I had ardent, I slept on the floor for a year because
I had sciatica and pinched nerves.
And I remember people would pray for me.
I'd get mad at him because I was like, I feel not, I feel
pressured to be healed and in pain, you know, And then one day
it was just like, I like people would say, oh, I believe in God
that you'll be healed. And I was like, yeah, I'm in
pain because I had a car accident.
Like stop, I had a car accident. This is valid.
And I was like, so I can't, I can't heal you because it was a
car accident. And it was like I realized, wait
a minute, I, I deserve to be a child right now.
I deserve to go to God. I, I can, I don't have to earn
this healing. I can receive it.
And I remember it was during a worship song.
I just got totally healed. And I used to be if I slept on
the wrong bed or I slept wrong or picked up a child wrong, I
would be have a pinched nerve and I'd be on my back.
My boys remember that. Addison and Austin and Alec
would would remember it. Arden wouldn't.
But and I've never had any problems since.
And it was just a turnover. And I think there's a lot of
women carrying. Things are not meant to carry.
And because they're not meant to carry them, they make everything
in your life awkward. So that was the turning point.
It was the bleaching, the grout, car wreck.
Wake up, you can't do it all thing.
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today. Now we're going to jump back in
to our conversation. It makes me think of Psalm 127
where it says eating the bread of anxious toil.
Yeah, that would have been me. That that anxious toil there's
there is A and Addison will say this all the time feel like I
have to give him credit. There's a sustenance to anxious
toil where you do feel like you're doing something, you're
striving. It can be motivating.
It can get you to go places or do things that other motivations
didn't work, but it always falls short at some point.
Whatever you start out with the motivation being the anxious
toil that it's that I think of Jesus at the well with the
woman. I'm like mixing all of them
where he says like this will leave you thirsty.
You're going to have to keep coming back.
Wouldn't you love something that keeps you satisfied?
So that's. An accurate An accurate
description. It made me feel necessary.
It made me feel needed and made me feel necessary.
Made me feel valued. Who else is going to bleach?
This crowd, exactly, those cleaning ladies, they miss stuff
all the time. There's a hair behind that door
because I was shedding, because I was pregnant so often.
But not anyway. Yeah, No, that was that was a
term. It's funny.
I totally forgot about that until you just asked me that.
That I was, I mean, it was just ridiculous.
I exhausted myself and I thought God was like, I'm so pleased
with you. I also remember when I was in
this is, you know, some people out there, you might think this
is crazy, but when I was thinking in my mind, no one gets
this as clean as me. I remember hearing, Lisa, when
you stand before me, I'm not going to reward you because you
had the cleanest grout. I'm going to ask you what you do
with my entrustment on your life.
Wow. And I thought, well, I'll just
get up earlier. I'll just work harder.
Car accident. And I'm not saying God gave me
the car accident, but he certainly used that.
Yeah, it's crazy. I'm just getting preached to it.
This is resumating because I think maybe what's hard for
especially women is like, well, what is that entrustment that
I'm called to? And then what?
It's the motions because there is so much interweaving of that
like steward your children while steward your home, steward your
marriage, but to what extent is like you said, our limits and
our control. Well, I remember, you know, I, I
have, I think, and I think this is important for every person
to, to reassess in every season. So there are certain things that
only I can do for my family and then there's certain things that
somebody else can help with. So for me, I think I tried to
homeschool Austin and I realized that is a huge mistake.
Somebody else needs to educate Austin.
You know, so because I remember John saying, why are you doing
this? And I said because he wanted, he
wanted to be home with me. I had a baby right after him.
You know, Alec was, you know, not as close as your kids, but
you know, and then I had Arden and he he wanted to be around
Arden. So I, you know, I thought, OK,
but really he wanted to home school because he didn't want to
go to school. Basically.
He wanted it to be easy. And John said, why are you
taking this on? I don't feel like did God tell
you to do this? Well, no, but that had a lot of
mothers back then already being afraid like, oh, kids are
learning this at school. And I was like, so it was it was
fear counseled. It wasn't Holy Spirit LED for
me. I'm not saying every person that
homeschools their kid is fear counseled.
I'm just saying at that given time, it was, I was not being a
responsible educator for Austin and it wasn't being a
responsible mother for my other kids.
And it wasn't being responsible because God had actually given
me certain things to steward my marriage, my family.
And then I was writing. But I very much limited my
travel. I would go out Fridays and come
back Saturdays and I would only do it 2 * a month.
And John was always home back then with the boys on Friday
night. So he'd be with them on Friday
and sometimes there'd be a babysitter for a couple hours
while he flew out. And I flew home on Saturday
because I always took my children to church on Sunday.
So actually, that's all if you met my my son on your husband
because I was taking them to church on Sunday.
And more than likely I had travelled that weekend, but they
were adults at that point. But yeah, so I think that so
many women don't understand that the right thing in the wrong
season is the wrong thing. And they're like, oh, I want to
do this. You can do it all, but you can't
do it all at once. And you have to say, what is my
season? Because there's strength when
you understand your season. But too many people are looking
into the next season and missing the lessons and the strength of
that season. I mean, we thankfully have a
farmers market here where you want to eat the fruit and the
vegetables that are in season because in season is where
you're going to get the nutrients you need.
Too many people are eating things out of season.
The partaking of things, the bread of anxiousness or whatever
it is, are taking things in out of season.
They don't get strength from it. This is a great segue to our
good ranchers. Yes, Speaking of that, listen,
listen, our whole family, we all love good ranchers and I don't
know if you know, but you can actually be part of the good
ranchers family as well. So I will slip that in later and
you can find out how you can be part of that.
I have good ranchers in a crock pot right now just waiting.
We, we had a good rancher steak last night and split it in half
and I feel like John took more, but I'm just going to say I was,
you know, I'm not always sad about that, but I am with good
ranchers. Oh, the days of splitting a
single steak. I I look forward to that.
I remember hearing a comedian talking about, we've come to
that place where we're hiding things in our bedroom.
And I was like, what's he talking about?
He's like food. We've got teenagers.
We're hiding food in our bedroom.
I'm like, remember those days? Teenagers and the toddlers.
Yes, potato. Human is you this morning or
yesterday and Arden's like that was my food and I was like there
is no my food. Yeah, I had a my food.
I It is always dad's food and then mom and the kids.
Food. Oh my gosh.
It's sweet, even. We came to your house not too
long ago and we walked away. And Arden said, you know, I
think Asher is definitely a teenager, but he's so different
than teenagers. And so I think, you know,
speaking to the mothers that do have either a preteens or teens,
you both done something incredible.
Will your children love you and love the Lord?
And so maybe there's some bits of wisdom there.
I mean, I'm sure you have other questions you want to ask.
I just know people like how how do you survive these years?
How do you be a good mom and how you keep them close?
Because I think that's every mom's fear with the school, with
the social medias. Like I don't want to lose them
to something else. Well, I know that I've made, and
I know you guys have made meal time a priority.
Like for us. I mean, again, I've said it
before and I still mean it. Having a family dinner is one of
the most powerful things you can do or your children's connection
to your family and they're actually their social adjustment
to the world, like being able to have a dinner as a family, which
is not but you think about and it is kind of a form of
communion. I mean, it's, it's conversation,
it's family, It's, it's you're realizing your needs are going
to be taken care of and then you do it as a group.
And so many people again, the moms don't let the kids help.
I watched. I mean, we, we had Maddie's, our
other daughter-in-law who is not yet a mom this way.
She's not on, but we love her. It was her birthday.
And I mean, Asher got up and started washing all the dishes
and I came in and he was like, no, Gee, mom.
And no, this is my job. And I was like, whoa, super
impressed. And my boys would would really
get frustrated with me because I didn't just keep my messes in
one area. So they'd always be cleaning up
after me as I went through. Like, mom, just keep everything
here. But it is healthy for children
to actually be part of either preparation or cleanup when you
do dinner. And so just dinner is a huge
thing for teenagers. It's very, it's very big.
And I mean so much of Asher. I know his name.
We're very close. So much of Asher's formation has
been his dad. I remember he turned 13 and
because Addison made it very ceremonial, like he was crossing
a threshold, I had the sweetest moment with the Lord where I
just cried and cried and was like, OK, my baby boy is in a
way being given to his father and I.
I do not take it for granted. I do take it for granted
sometimes. I hope to take it for granted.
Your. Woman Confessional.
That I have a husband who is so trustworthy, such an incredible
father, and takes the formation of his son so seriously.
But I have fought him so much on school decisions, disciplinary,
just so, so many areas where it has been this tension between us
unnecessarily. Addison No.
Asher, All the fighting has been necessary.
Teenage. Fighting Addison where instead
of like if I were to do it over. So I guess this is more of A to
the mom of a teen or a preteen son.
If you have a trustworthy husband, trust him.
Like just trust him. You're not going to understand
because you are not a man. And sons need their father sons.
Need their fathers and they need their mothers to give them to
their fathers. And so there's there's a little
bit of of backtracking even in astronauts relationship now
where it's like, OK, there's a an unnecessary friction where I
fought his dad or felt like I needed to protect him or felt
like his dad wasn't being hard enough.
You know, if just this constant dance.
But Asher is incredible and so close knit with our family.
Like he would choose to be at a family dinner overhang out with
friends any day. And some of that is his
introvert nature, but. He's so good with the little
kids and it reminds me of your husband, Arden.
It reminds me of Arden when you would bring Sophie and Asher and
Lizzy over. Like I have this one photo of
Arden. He's got all three of the kids
cuddled up, Two are asleep on him and he's on, he's like on
the sofa with these kids. And there's something about
having teenagers anchored with toddlers, with babies.
It kind of just, it's almost like I feel like Asher and
Sophie kept Arden. It like attached to the family
in a way that he would not have been attached if he had just
been the lone young teenager running rogue with his his
friends. Friends who have had their
little bonus babies like they have a teenager, they have a
teenager and then they get pregnant with a baby that they
have said the same thing. It anchors the older children to
the family in a way that nothing else does. 100% I agree with
that. What you know, and just so you
can feel comforted, I wanted John to discipline Addison,
Austin, Alec and Arden, but I wanted him to discipline him the
way I wanted him to discipline them.
So I did the same thing. I'd be like, this is what
they're doing. You've got to do.
No, don't deal with it like that.
This is how I want, you know, I wanted him to be a father, but I
really was asking him to be a mother.
And you do need to ask the dad to be the dad.
Even with the daughters and we were talking about sons
specifically, but even with the and we, we need to realize
there's the voice of the father, which would really be like God
the father. And then there's even like a a
Holy Spirit voice, which would be a little bit more nurturing
in our lives like a mother. But you cannot both of them are
necessary. But when you, when you miss that
voice of a father, I think that's what we have a whole
generation that doesn't understand consequence, like
they don't understand consequence, they don't
understand respect, they don't understand authority.
And again, we all know that those things can be misused, but
an understanding of having a father as the protector and
provider of the household. It's not that he's the only one,
but it's that he's the major 1. He carries the weight of that.
And then the mother being the nurturer and, and the, you know,
the responder to that. It's it's, it's gotten really
flipped in our culture and it's really confusing.
It really is, but and that goes back to what Christian was
saying earlier about younger women needing the generation
ahead of them to lead them in loving their husbands and loving
their families. There is this disconnect that
has happened where we just want to look to our peers and our
peers don't have any fruit. They're they're along the same
lines that we are. And when you're looking for
wisdom, you want to look to people who have fruit and so
that you're seeing the effect of that.
Lisa. Yeah, we're seeing the division.
You know, it's interesting that you talk about that because we
all know that David labored hard to build a Kingdom, and then
solemn Solomon established it. So David laid up the wealth cut,
took the land, Solomon established it.
And then Rhea Bowen refused to go to his father's counselors,
and he counseled with his peers, with the Kingdom.
And it's so funny because like, we, you know, again, when we
were young, we're like, we know more than our moms.
We know more than our dads. But then you find out, you know
what you don't want to do? You don't know what you do want
to do. And we have a generation that's
actually very, very educated on how to dismantle, deconstruct,
destruct, but not how to build. So they're critics, they're not
constructors. And, and so that's this
disconnect. And we become an echo chamber.
We only talk to people that think like us, look like us, you
know, live like us. And then all of the sudden we
find out, no, no, no, life has a lot more complexities than this.
And I'm not getting what I need. And it's so much bigger.
And going back to teenagers, teenagers very quickly are like,
the world is larger than what you've presented me with.
And then all types of doubt can creep in unless you are, you're
getting ahead of that where it's like, hey, here is a large
world. Let me guide you.
Let me guide you through this because that's the season that
we're still in. You're not a full grown adult
who's out there discovering. Wait, I never knew any of this
existed. Yeah, No.
OK, I have a question here. As we're talking about this
multi generational family approach is I think one of the
biggest inhibitors of this is this whole search for identity,
which will be equally, you know, beautiful and and selfless.
But I'm seeing, you know, moms get caught up and maybe they're
on the opposite side of like, well, I need to live for myself.
I need to get like, like my feet is filled.
I'll just be transparent and hurt maybe, but my feet is
inundated with like the mommy makeovers and like they do this
and I go on the trips and I I just want to joke with my
family. There's nothing wrong with
taking care of yourself, having friends groups.
But sometimes there is the overtness.
And then we were chatting around this beautiful woman in her 60s
who almost is unrecognizable because there has been so much
the self focus. So I'm curious as someone who
has done motherhood, who's done grandmotherhood, if that is a
word. And it needs to be.
It's not. Add it to Webster right now, you
still have so much that you are putting your hands to toil to,
but then you also have your family.
And so I'm curious with maybe the older women and the women in
the thick of motherhood is how do we?
Tend well to those things without getting so caught up
where there are women in their 50s and 60s where it's like,
well, I have to go do this for my career and I have to go do
this for my image. I don't have time to spend my
grandchildren. And then we have mothers that
are like, I have no one to help me.
I don't know what to do. It's just goes like this.
There's this cycle of how do we find that balance?
Yeah. How does a mother cry out for
help? How does you know an older woman
that still has her own life and has laid down for so many years
help in other ways? Like I think a lot of families
are confused on but that looks like and and frankly, well, who
takes the short end of the stick?
It can feel like for some. Yeah, well.
Not me to, you say. No, no, no, no.
But if you want. No, and I, I think that I feel
like we're making up this answer to your question with our lives
right now. Like I did not.
There were things I could come to my mom for and there was
things I was like you, you, you because of brokenness.
And your mother can't even be an aunt.
That can't, that can't be answered.
So I think one generation finally has to say, I'm willing
to be what I didn't have. I'm willing to give what wasn't
given to me. I'm willing to create some
pathways when when all I met was obstacles.
I think one generation has to do that, but I also think your
generation also has to say, I'm going to honor that.
Even if I want to do it different, I'm still going to
honor the things that you've been through.
And I want to learn from it. And I want to do it like, for
me, I would rather go on vacation with my family than
than anybody, even with all the complexities.
Like, you know, I think we're all in Florida together next
month. And John was like, you're going
to love it, aren't you? Because you love the chaos.
I said, I do love the chaos, you know?
And but he's learned to remember how John used to be.
Like, they're touching the walls.
They're touching the walls. I'd be like, put yourself in
your room. If you're going to act like
this, you're stressed. I can handle, handle the stress
of, of grandchildren. I cannot handle your stress of
the grandchildren. And I, I think that we're all
committed to growing and hearing and understanding that like, as
we know better, we do better. And that's I think the only
thing. But I, I do think that there's
been a disconnect and, and a lie.
I mean, I know that that was my whole thing with the godmothers
book was there's older women thinking that the younger women
don't want any of their valuable lessons or treasures or despise
them because they're older. And then there's the younger
women thinking that the older women are all retired playing
golf. So there's they're not, they're
not connecting. And yet we know that's actually
incredibly crucial. Like, first of all, we know it
scripturally, but Barna just did this big study that the only way
to bring healing to the millennials and the Gen.
ZS is if the older women begin to help the younger women,
because the younger women right now are disenfranchised more
than the young men when it comes to spiritual things.
So there's thing this breakdown of mothering where you're
talking about that they want to be sex symbols or or whatever it
is or go actualize themselves. And I won't be a mother anymore.
I'm going to go do whatever. You know, they're going to have
to deal with the end of their life.
All these people they're playing for aren't going to be a
bedside. It's it's who you your family,
it's who you invest in. But that's kind of a morbid
thought. But you know, we have some
friends going through some really hard stuff right now.
And it does punctuate your life. Like you want to have a
connection with your family. And there's certain portions of
my family. I'm very connected.
And then there's. Parts of it that are very.
Fragmented and I I know that that's your story as well, Julie
and there's just this there's that brokenness where you want
but sometimes how can two walk together unless they're in
agreement like there's certain things you you have to let some
people go their own way. But if somebody says I want to
walk with you, we have a virtue of fierce unity.
We fight for unity and that is something that our family is
committed to. But man, I mean I feel like we
just barely I've got a list of questions.
I feel like we just barely touched on those.
And so I'm so excited that we have an entire second decision
to talk about these things. And you guys, thank you so much
for joining me today on the least of your podcast.
And I hope that you've actually, wow, learn from our crazy
stressful things. At least mine.
Do not, do not do a toothbrush for your floor.
That's just never efficient. But I, I do hear hope you hear
our heart that we want you to have permission to rest.
We want you to have permission to edit your life so that you
can not just survive your husband and children, but you
can enjoy them so that you can flourish in your marriage, that
you can understand the season that you're in and that you stop
beating yourself up or any mistakes that you've made in
your past. So I hope something spoke to
you. I, I really want you to
subscribe so that you don't miss any of this kind of
encouragement. And so until next time, this has
been the Least of of Year podcast.