1 00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:06,080 Hey there, welcome to Tea with Mara. 2 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:08,840 Thanks for seeking out these recordings and listening. 3 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:11,960 My name is George and you may know me as Keoki in the 4 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:14,280 metaverse. These recordings are from my 5 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:18,320 live sessions in virtual reality and in person at Two Hand Sanga. 6 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,160 For the best experience of these sessions, you can join me in 7 00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:25,400 virtual reality, but when you can't, or if you want to go back 8 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,400 and listen again, these audio recordings will be offered 9 00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:31,520 freely. If you have AVR headset or an 10 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:35,720 Android or Apple smartphone, you can log into VR Chat and search 11 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:38,680 for the group Mindfulness VR with No Spaces. 12 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:42,800 Join that group and you can find me there at 8:00 PM Eastern Time 13 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:46,600 on Tuesdays or 9:00 PM Eastern Time on Thursdays. 14 00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:49,800 If you wish to support my teachings and these recordings, 15 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,520 the best way to do that is to leave a review and share this 16 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:55,400 podcast with others. And if you find value in them 17 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:58,760 and you want to, you can make a donation offering right within 18 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:05,720 the Two Hands Sanga website at www.twohandssanga.org/donate. 19 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:08,120 Now let's invite the bell and begin. 20 00:01:37,060 --> 00:01:39,300 All right. Good evening and welcome. 21 00:01:39,980 --> 00:01:41,860 Thank you all for being here tonight. 22 00:01:41,860 --> 00:01:45,380 And just a reminder, if you want to mute yourself, that's always 23 00:01:45,380 --> 00:01:46,820 a good idea. You don't have to. 24 00:01:47,060 --> 00:01:50,260 It's up to you. Just know that if you don't, you 25 00:01:50,260 --> 00:01:53,540 may be broadcasting your life to everyone in the room. 26 00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:57,220 Tonight. I was thinking about what to 27 00:01:57,220 --> 00:02:01,100 talk about, and I've kind of had this in my mind for about a week 28 00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:06,360 now and I've given a couple of talks on this in the actually 29 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:10,240 probably recent past. Hopefully there's a little bit 30 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,360 of a different angle on it tonight. 31 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,400 We'll see. We'll see how it goes, but it's 32 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:22,720 about largely about a sort of controversial stance that the 33 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:25,960 Buddha took. Or if it's, if we're being a 34 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:30,040 little more accurate, it's more of a controversial thing that he 35 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:33,800 said, which most people perceive as being his stance. 36 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,720 And you'll see what I mean probably as we go. 37 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:42,360 And that thing, that stance or that thing that he said is his 38 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,160 famous talk about honoring one's parents. 39 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:51,720 And it's difficult because a lot of people have some suffering 40 00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:54,200 around the relationship that they have with their parents. 41 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,600 I think Father's Day was the day that we talked about this most 42 00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,840 recently. And it's not the same talk, but 43 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:05,160 it's overlapping for sure. But a lot of people have 44 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,240 suffering around the relationship with their parents 45 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:11,160 or the parent that caused a lot of their suffering through that 46 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:14,680 relationship. And I was talking with someone 47 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:23,040 last week about how they love their parents, but their mother 48 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:25,440 is in their case. Excuse me? 49 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:30,960 Their mother in their case is very problematic for them and 50 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:36,680 she berates them. She blames them for everything 51 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,960 from the most minor things to some very major things. 52 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:46,760 She speaks to them and treats them very poorly and at least 53 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:50,720 from my friend's perspective, treats everyone else in the 54 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:54,240 family just fine, other siblings and things like that, but just 55 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:01,560 creates a lot of problem just with them and also with blame. 56 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:06,000 Blames them for a lot of things and they struggle with some 57 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,960 things in in around that relationship as a result. 58 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:13,920 How to respond to the person, How to treat them, how to find 59 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:21,040 some patience and kindness and love for that mother and knowing 60 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:24,400 that they will not necessarily have that kindness and patience 61 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:28,560 and love returned to them, even if they spend the time and 62 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:32,600 effort to offer it. At least not in the way that 63 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:36,440 they would like and which also could be part of the problem. 64 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:42,600 But just they struggle knowing that they want to treat their 65 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,760 parent nicely, but they they realize that they may never get 66 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,920 that returned to them and it may never be the case. 67 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:52,520 So I hope tonight we can explore that a little bit, which can be 68 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:56,480 very heavy if people in here have any difficult relationships 69 00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,400 with their parents or something like that. 70 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:06,160 But it might be the key to sort of unlocking our own hearts so 71 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,880 that we can live with these people still in our lives, or at 72 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:14,320 least in our hearts and not let their suffering harden our heart 73 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:17,000 toward them. The very tall order on that 74 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:22,440 sometimes all of that, while also not enabling that person or 75 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:26,760 condoning what they do. So there's a lot going on in 76 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:30,800 this conversation about this. The way that this person's 77 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:34,840 mother treats them so harshly often leaves them wondering, 78 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:38,320 like, how do I practice compassion towards someone who 79 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:44,760 just continually hurts me, insults me, berates me? 80 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:50,560 Does Buddhism expect me to simply endure it and move on? 81 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:57,960 And a lot of people carry around wounds and difficulties similar 82 00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:02,600 to this, maybe with the father or both of the parents or maybe 83 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:08,400 a grandparent or something. And some people have really 84 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,120 loving parents and won't be able to relate to this. 85 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:18,840 Some people have absent parents, some abusive and some estranged 86 00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:22,360 and some who don't have their parents any longer at all and 87 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:26,520 they just grieve those parents and maybe that maybe they never 88 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:30,240 got the chance to heal a difficult relationship or they 89 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:32,440 had a great one but but lost them early. 90 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:37,320 There's a lot of different ways this can come up for some of us, 91 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:47,720 but we aren't really here to try and find the proper way to judge 92 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:51,720 our parents. It's more about starting to 93 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,560 understand what it was the Buddha actually taught, not just 94 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:58,000 about parents, but about this applies to all of the teachings 95 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,840 of the Buddha, which were really quite simple when you get down 96 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:06,200 to it. But the thing about the parents 97 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,240 is widely misunderstood in the Dharma. 98 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:14,360 One of the things that you can always do to help you figure out 99 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:17,840 if you're on the right track with these teachings is to ask 100 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:23,240 yourself, is what I'm, is the way that I'm doing this causing 101 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,160 or relieving suffering? Am I adding to suffering? 102 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,800 Am I creating suffering or is the way that I'm handling it 103 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:33,160 relieving suffering? Because I wanted to make that 104 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:38,720 point. Because a lot of times we 105 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:46,640 respond or react in a certain way to this kind of problem with 106 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:54,160 our parents and we think that it's the right thing. 107 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:55,720 I know I'm doing the right thing. 108 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:58,320 Or maybe we don't. Maybe we think I'm not sure if 109 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,040 I'm doing the right thing. The right thing is the thing 110 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:05,200 that leads toward more happiness and less suffering. 111 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:10,320 And so it's a really simple way of sort of figuring out is this 112 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:15,480 way I'm behaving in response to this problem, is it creating 113 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:19,000 more suffering, adding more layers of suffering on, or is it 114 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:20,640 relieving some of that suffering? 115 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:24,800 And that's a quick, easy answer. Sometimes it's not quite so easy 116 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:29,240 to discern that, but it should be and it can be. 117 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:36,240 And with practice, it will be, if there's a practice you don't 118 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:39,000 understand fully and you just pause long enough to ask 119 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:42,080 yourself, is this practice leading toward or away from 120 00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:44,640 suffering? And that's going to, that's 121 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:48,800 going to be your guidepost. If it, if it's toward more 122 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,880 suffering, then you've misunderstood something. 123 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:54,280 And you can ask for help or clarification from a teacher or 124 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:58,600 the OR wherever you get your Dharma from or if it's not 125 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,040 leaning toward lasting happiness, if it's not helping, 126 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:04,040 then it's pretty obvious that that's not what the Buddha 127 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:08,360 taught because the Buddha taught simply suffering and the end of 128 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:13,560 suffering. Biku Buddha dasa infamously said 129 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:18,560 the Buddha taught only suffering and its end and anything else 130 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:22,960 was added on later on. So if you're, if you're doing a 131 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:26,400 certain practice that maybe you learned here or somewhere else 132 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:30,680 and you're, you're looking at it and you're going this, this is 133 00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:34,120 what they tell me I should be doing, but it doesn't feel right 134 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,840 or whatever. It feels like it's creating more 135 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:38,760 suffering. If whatever you're doing, even 136 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:42,400 if you heard it from me or some other teacher, if the work that 137 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,280 you're doing is creating more suffering, then it's not the 138 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:49,040 Dharma. Something is wrong. 139 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,440 And that could be a misunderstanding, or it could be 140 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:53,840 that the person that gave you the information was wrong 141 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,480 because they're just an imperfect human as well. 142 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:02,400 The Buddha taught only suffering in its end. 143 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:12,560 The Buddha did say that we do in fact owe a great debt to our 144 00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:15,840 parents. And this is that infamous Suta 145 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:19,880 that gets misquoted and misunderstood, or it gets quoted 146 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,600 correctly but it gets misunderstood. 147 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:27,920 He said, Monks, I will teach you the level of a person of no 148 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:32,920 integrity, the level of a person of integrity. 149 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:37,560 Listen and pay close attention and I will speak on these two. 150 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:41,200 And the monks said, as you say, Lord. 151 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:45,680 And then the Buddha said, now what is the level of a person of 152 00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:48,760 no integrity? A person of no integrity is 153 00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:53,720 ungrateful and unthankful. This ingratitude, this lack of 154 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:56,960 thankfulness is advocated for by rude people. 155 00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:01,680 It is entirely on the level of people of no integrity. 156 00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:05,000 A person of integrity is grateful and thankful. 157 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,920 This gratitude, this thankfulness is advocated for by 158 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:11,480 civil people. It is entirely on the level of 159 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:15,040 people of integrity. And he said, I tell you, monks, 160 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:18,320 there are two people who are not easy to repay in this lifetime, 161 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:23,520 which to your mother and father. Even if you were to carry your 162 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:26,520 mother on one shoulder and your father on your other shoulder 163 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:30,040 for 100 years, and you were to look after them by anointing and 164 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:33,280 massaging and bathing and rubbing their limbs, and they 165 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:36,280 were to defecate and urinate right there on your shoulders, 166 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:40,080 that's kind of gross. You would not in that way be 167 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:45,400 able to repay your parents. So this is sounding like an 168 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:50,240 impossible task to repay your parents and also a gross one. 169 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:54,360 But he says if you were to establish your mother and father 170 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:58,160 in absolute sovereignty over this great earth abounding in 171 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:01,680 the seven treasures, you would not in that way be able to repay 172 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,440 your parents. So in other words, if you did 173 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:07,720 everything that could even be possible for your parents, you 174 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,680 can't repay them. Why is that? 175 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:13,920 He said mother and father do much for their children. 176 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:17,000 They care for them, they nourish them, they introduce them to 177 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,280 this world. But anyone who rouses his 178 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:23,040 unbelieving mother and father settles and establishes them in 179 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:28,160 conviction, rouses his virtuous excuse me, rouses his unvirtuous 180 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:31,240 mother and father, settles and establishes them in virtue, 181 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:35,000 rouses his stingy mother and father and settles and 182 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:38,600 establishes them in generosity. Rouses his foolish mother and 183 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:41,520 father, settles in a establishes them in discernment. 184 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:45,560 To this extent, one pays and repays the mother and father. 185 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:50,760 So a few things to note. The first thing in this suit is 186 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:57,600 that this SUTA is really about gratitude and it's about paying 187 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,640 forward that which was done for you. 188 00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:09,800 For some, all they did was bring you into this world and that 189 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:13,200 alone, even if they never did another thing for you, That 190 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:17,240 alone, the Buddha said, cannot be easily repaid because you 191 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:18,920 wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them. 192 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,840 No matter how well you get along with them or not, you wouldn't 193 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:25,480 be here if they had not brought you into this world, so 194 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,760 therefore you cannot easily repay that. 195 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:32,080 And regardless of anything that happens after that, if you are 196 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,600 sitting here living and breathing, you can be grateful 197 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:38,000 to them for that one thing if nothing else. 198 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:42,080 But also, some of the confusion is around things that this suta 199 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:46,040 doesn't even say. People layer a lot of times 200 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:49,320 their own situation over the actual teachings and they hear 201 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:54,320 something that isn't even spoken in this suta, such as that you 202 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:56,480 have to be nice to people who harmed you. 203 00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:59,400 It doesn't say that anywhere in the suta. 204 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:06,960 Or sometimes people hear that you have to do for them what 205 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:10,720 they don't do for you. And it does not say that in the 206 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:14,240 suta. One big thing that the Buddha is 207 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:18,560 not telling you is that you have to do anything at all. 208 00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:22,560 He's not telling you what to do in this suta. 209 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:28,760 He's telling you to be grateful for your life. 210 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:31,600 He's not telling you to do anything to or for your parents. 211 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:36,200 He's telling you to be grateful for this life that you have and 212 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:40,520 that by paying that gratitude back, that's really the only way 213 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:43,760 to ever repay them. But he's not even saying you 214 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:46,720 have to do that. He's saying certainly that it's, 215 00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:50,880 it's the, it's a good thing to do, but he's not telling you you 216 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:52,960 have to do it there. There's nothing in the Dharma 217 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:56,160 where the Buddha says thou shalt do this thing. 218 00:14:56,760 --> 00:15:00,960 He just says, hey, here's some good ideas for you and these 219 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,640 things will lead to your happiness. 220 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,080 You can do them or not do them. You'll still get the your 221 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:07,880 happiness. You can still find happiness 222 00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:11,000 regardless. But the fastest route is to 223 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,840 practice gratitude and to live a good life. 224 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:18,240 He said that the best way to repay them is to teach them the 225 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:22,040 Dhamma. But that leads to another 226 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:26,880 misunderstanding, which is that you have to try and drag them 227 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,840 down to a Dharma hall and make them sit there and learn the 228 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:33,080 Dharma so that they can be aroused in the Dhamma. 229 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,480 But what he actually was saying through this Suta is that the 230 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:44,560 best way to teach your parents or to repay your parents is to 231 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:50,520 live a beautiful life, a life that they wish that they could 232 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:54,120 have as well, and they may not even know it. 233 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:57,400 So what exactly is this debt the Suta talks about? 234 00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:03,440 Well, the debt is not because parents are supposed to be 235 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,440 worshipped or anointed or whatever. 236 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,320 All those things he was saying in the Suta, rubbing their limbs 237 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:14,840 with oils and all of that. He's just saying your parents 238 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:17,440 were not perfect beings. He doesn't say that anywhere in 239 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:20,160 the suta either. He says that they gave us life, 240 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:24,600 they fed us, they protected us, they stayed awake when we slept, 241 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,880 they changed us, they carried us, they sacrificed for us. 242 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:34,480 Even imperfect parents usually, not always, but usually do many 243 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:41,040 of those things, even if they end up being terrible parents 244 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:43,840 later on. So at the bare minimum, they 245 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,720 brought us in and got us started. 246 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:56,200 And it's important to clarify that gratitude is for what they 247 00:16:56,200 --> 00:17:00,880 gave us, but it does not require the approval of all of the 248 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:02,840 things that they do later on in life. 249 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:07,119 We can honor that gift that they gave us by bringing us into this 250 00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:09,920 world and making it possible for us to be here receiving the 251 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:13,760 Dharma today. We can repay and honor that gift 252 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:16,960 without approving of all of their actions down the road. 253 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,319 I sat through a talk with a really good teacher once in New 254 00:17:21,319 --> 00:17:27,560 York City who shared her own personal story, and it was a 255 00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:31,080 story of severe difficulty with her own mother, very severe 256 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,960 violent confrontation with her own mother frequently. 257 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:43,600 And it was actually very similar to the verbal abuse and such 258 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,320 that my friend was talking about the other night. 259 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:49,640 And that teacher in New York. She ultimately came to the 260 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:53,840 conclusion and shared this in her Dharma talk, that the best 261 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:57,160 way that she could love her mother and repay her mother and 262 00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:01,400 give her mother what it was that she needed to live her best life 263 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,560 was to remove herself from her mother's life. 264 00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:08,160 At least for a little while. She held open the hope that 265 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:10,360 maybe they could recover their relationship. 266 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:14,760 But her mother was also quite elderly, and so she understood 267 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:19,000 that this might be it. But she came to the conclusion 268 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:24,960 after a lot of practice and a lot of wise view and reflection, 269 00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:30,480 she came to the conclusion that it was in both of their best 270 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,680 interests. Both of them would be happier 271 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:36,200 and better off if she just didn't visit her anymore. 272 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:39,200 Didn't mean she didn't love her, didn't mean she didn't still see 273 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:41,760 to it that she was taken care of and stuff like that. 274 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,560 But she didn't go and spend time in her mother's presence any 275 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:48,280 longer. And in her case, she said that 276 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:52,080 was what was necessary and that it really helped tremendously. 277 00:18:55,800 --> 00:19:00,160 So the difficult times don't have to last forever, at least 278 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:03,240 not always. Sometimes they can if we allow 279 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:06,240 them to. But the Buddha never said that 280 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:10,640 we should allow abuse to continue in our lives either. 281 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:13,720 He didn't say you have to repay your parents. 282 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:19,760 He didn't say you have to be abused in order to do that. 283 00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:29,620 And this is an area that a lot of people hear that suta and 284 00:19:29,620 --> 00:19:38,000 they get really confused by it. You can ask when you read that 285 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:41,120 suta, for example, you can ask yourself, where in this suta 286 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:45,840 does the Buddha ever tell us to stay in an abusive relationship? 287 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:49,120 And if you read the suta very slowly and very carefully, 288 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:51,840 you'll find that it doesn't say anything at all like that. 289 00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,080 And this is what I was talking about earlier about asking 290 00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:01,680 yourself. Is this is the way that I'm 291 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:04,120 dealing with this? Is this is this thing, whether 292 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:06,800 it's my doing something or them doing something to me? 293 00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:09,520 Is it creating more suffering or less suffering? 294 00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:16,720 And if being abused by someone and just taking it, if it is 295 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:19,280 that going to create more or less suffering in your life, 296 00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,440 pretty sure the answer is going to be that it creates more 297 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,200 suffering. So if that's the case, then 298 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,720 that's not what the Buddha taught. 299 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,120 The Buddha never taught anything that would lead to more 300 00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:35,240 suffering. And you have to have some 301 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:39,480 discernment to see that. And sometimes in order to get 302 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,960 that discernment, you have to give yourself the space to see 303 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:45,600 that, which means sometimes backing out of that relationship 304 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:49,360 for a little while, giving it some breathing room so that you 305 00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:50,800 can see. Oh, yeah. 306 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:55,480 Actually, nothing I've done so far has been beneficial to 307 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:59,640 either of us. I mean, it's time for a new 308 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:04,520 approach, perhaps. But the answer to that question 309 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,920 is nowhere. In fact, the Buddha repeatedly 310 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:11,480 encourages us to associate with wise people in our lives and not 311 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:15,120 surround ourselves with people who are not wise, are not 312 00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:18,560 skillful, or not leading us toward more happiness. 313 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:20,520 And that can include our parents. 314 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:26,120 And I'm stressing this point, but I'm not trying to tell you 315 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,720 that if you have a difficult relationship with your parents, 316 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,360 you should get away from them forever. 317 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:34,840 That's not the point either. The point is finding the way to 318 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:39,760 heal and handle these difficult relationships that we sometimes 319 00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:43,880 have with parents in a way that heals both of you as much as 320 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:47,080 possible, but ultimately you can only heal yourself. 321 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,440 That's another aspect I'll talk about. 322 00:21:54,730 --> 00:21:57,490 There's another suit to where the Buddha tells us to to 323 00:21:57,610 --> 00:22:02,080 cultivate compassion. He never ever advocates for the 324 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:05,280 abandonment of wisdom. You won't find anywhere in the 325 00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:08,960 teachings where the Buddha says don't utilize wisdom. 326 00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:14,800 That's not a thing that he did. So when you have compassion for 327 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:18,920 your parents, sometimes people say, well, if I'm having 328 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:22,120 compassion for them, then that's creating harm for me. 329 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,400 Nope, that's not how compassion works. 330 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,960 And that's kind of at the heart of this talk tonight. 331 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:34,960 Many people confuse compassion with surrendering, but 332 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:39,360 compassion just means I sincerely hope for you to become 333 00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:41,960 free from suffering and its causes. 334 00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:47,760 And that's very different from I will continue allowing you to 335 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:51,200 hurt me. Those are two wildly different 336 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:55,560 things. I think it was Jack Kornfield in 337 00:22:55,560 --> 00:23:00,000 one of his books said that he said I can love you completely 338 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:02,920 without ever allowing you into my house. 339 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,880 You don't have to be in somebody's presence to love 340 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,840 them. You don't have to allow them to 341 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:23,930 abuse you to love them. There's some other examples are 342 00:23:23,970 --> 00:23:26,890 you can love somebody but you don't have to loan them money. 343 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:32,520 You can love someone and not take every single phone call and 344 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:40,200 not be expected to. You can love someone and not let 345 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,480 them into your home. I told you the story just 346 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:46,480 recently about my mother and I, when I got my own apartment, she 347 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,600 would come over. She came over the first time and 348 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:50,320 she started complaining about my dad. 349 00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:55,480 I said, hey, this is my house. When I'm in your house, you 350 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:58,640 could say anything you want. But when you come to my house, 351 00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:00,600 let's just talk about each other. 352 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,520 Let's don't talk about Dad. He's dead and he's not here. 353 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:06,960 Let's leave that at the door or don't come over. 354 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:10,880 And I made a boundary, and I didn't even know what a boundary 355 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:14,320 was then, but I made that boundary with my mother where I 356 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:16,520 love you and I want you to come visit me. 357 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:21,040 But you have to leave that negative talk about a dead man 358 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:25,000 who has no impact on our lives today at the door. 359 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:31,120 And that was allowing her to love me if she wants to. 360 00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:38,200 That was me loving her. It was even me letting her say 361 00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:43,000 anything she wants when I go visit her because that's her 362 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:46,600 boundary. But my boundary was you don't 363 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:50,240 talk about my dead father in my presence if it's going to be 364 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:59,640 negative. Love and access are not the same 365 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:04,080 thing. Boundaries are not a way of 366 00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:06,400 punishing someone. It's a way of protecting 367 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:09,560 yourself. There for clarity and and 368 00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:13,640 boundaries are really what's called for in this when we have 369 00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:16,120 these kinds of difficult parental relationships, 370 00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:19,000 boundaries are here to protect ourselves. 371 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:30,520 We can't protect someone else from themselves, and boundaries 372 00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:33,040 is another area where people often get confused. 373 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:37,440 And it's not commands that you issue and then hope that person 374 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:40,280 will follow. It's things where you say, OK, 375 00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:44,280 this is what I'm willing to allow in order for you to have 376 00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:49,680 access to me. And you're not telling them what 377 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:51,080 to do. You're telling them what you 378 00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,760 won't allow in your presence. And then you're holding that 379 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:59,040 standard. If you ever need to learn about 380 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,000 those, go pick up a Brené Brown book. 381 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,760 She's a master. She's a master of vulnerability 382 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:14,050 and a master of boundaries. And in Buddhism, we have this 383 00:26:14,050 --> 00:26:15,770 thing called dependent origination. 384 00:26:16,210 --> 00:26:18,130 You can ask yourself like why is it that? 385 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:23,760 Why are some people just abusive and why to me and nobody else? 386 00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:26,040 You can ask yourself this question. 387 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:31,320 It's usually if you sit and you are able to with time look at 388 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:34,200 this, you'll see that it's because they have their own 389 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:37,600 causes and conditions. Probably because they had 390 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:39,400 parents that were the same way to them. 391 00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:45,840 Probably, not necessarily, but quite probably they have their 392 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:48,880 own conditioning, their own fears and trauma and greed, 393 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:50,920 their own ignorance and suffering. 394 00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:59,000 And looking at that and allowing yourself to see that they're not 395 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:02,000 just randomly mean to you. There's something there. 396 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:14,800 Their own life somehow created this for them and it doesn't 397 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:18,120 mean they're blameless, but it means that there's a way you can 398 00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:23,280 find there's an Ave. into compassion for them by seeing 399 00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:26,160 their causes and their suffering. 400 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:30,520 And I promise you it's their, they're not super awesome people 401 00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:35,000 who just hate you or treat you badly. 402 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:42,600 They're hurt people. That's that saying hurt people 403 00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:43,960 hurt people. It's so true. 404 00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:49,840 You won't typically find a lot of people who cause harm to 405 00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:53,680 other people and did not ever have that harm caused to them. 406 00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:57,840 It's just not that common. I suppose it there's some 407 00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:05,440 anomalies out there. The vast majority of people who 408 00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:10,760 cause suffering do it because they were raised with confusion. 409 00:28:18,870 --> 00:28:23,310 Knowing the causes of a fire also doesn't mean you stick your 410 00:28:23,310 --> 00:28:25,190 hand in there and put it out with your hand. 411 00:28:28,510 --> 00:28:32,110 Understanding suffering doesn't require becoming a victim of 412 00:28:32,110 --> 00:28:38,070 that suffering. And that brings up another area 413 00:28:38,070 --> 00:28:41,510 of this, which is this whole misunderstanding, which is 414 00:28:41,510 --> 00:28:47,440 forgiveness. Many of us who just heard me say 415 00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:51,520 that a few moments ago might have had the immediate reaction 416 00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:54,160 of, oh, I can never forgive so and so for such. 417 00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:59,640 And at the heart of that feeling is that forgiveness somehow 418 00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:04,400 requires reconciliation. A lot of times when we think we 419 00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:07,120 can never forgive someone, it's because we think that in order 420 00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:09,400 to do so, we have to reconcile with them. 421 00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:20,880 Forgiveness says I, not you, but I am no longer going to carry 422 00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:27,960 hatred. Reconciliation says we are 423 00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:33,720 rebuilding a relationship and you don't always have to have 424 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:35,160 that part to have the other part. 425 00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:38,720 But if you're going to have reconciliation, you have to have 426 00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:41,840 trust. And trust says I believe you're 427 00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:45,240 a safe person now. I trust that. 428 00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:50,080 And these three things are all three different things. 429 00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:53,200 They don't happen simultaneously and they don't happen on 430 00:29:53,680 --> 00:29:56,120 whatever timeline you'd like them to happen on. 431 00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:57,720 They just happen when they happen. 432 00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:04,600 Not without effort by the way, which is 1 of the 8 full path 433 00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:11,440 wise effort. Forgiveness, and this is really 434 00:30:11,440 --> 00:30:15,720 important. Forgiveness is not for them. 435 00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:18,840 You can forgive. You can say I forgive you, but 436 00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:25,200 that forgiveness is for you. Forgiveness is for you, not for 437 00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:28,160 the other person. If it helps them sweet, that's 438 00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:31,160 great, but you can't make that part happen. 439 00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:34,680 Forgiveness is something you give to yourself. 440 00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:41,280 It's a gift from you to you, and they have to do the same thing 441 00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:45,280 for themselves, which can sometimes include being forgiven 442 00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:48,760 by you. No amount of forgiveness from 443 00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:52,280 you, however, can ever make forgiveness happen for them. 444 00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:58,080 That's on them. Reconciliation is for both 445 00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:00,920 parties. That's where you have the we. 446 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:05,800 The reconciliation is something you have to work on together. 447 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:20,880 It cannot be done by one. It requires both or all, and it 448 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:24,080 requires trust. Sometimes forgiveness happens 449 00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:29,440 when reconciliation never will. Sometimes trust is never 450 00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:32,120 rebuilt. It's, and that's not a failure 451 00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:39,720 of the Dhamma. Filial respect looks like 452 00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:51,040 parents who are healthy. Umm, and you might serve your 453 00:31:51,040 --> 00:31:54,080 parents. You might visit them and support 454 00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:57,120 them and listen to them and express gratitude. 455 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:04,440 If you have that, that if parents are harmful, speak 456 00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:10,120 disrespectfully to you. You can still speak respectfully 457 00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:13,080 to them. You can still wish them well. 458 00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:18,480 You can still avoid hatred in your heart, but you can't take 459 00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:23,640 it out of theirs. You can avoid thinking of how 460 00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:29,360 you can get revenge. You can maintain appropriate 461 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:35,840 boundaries, protect your own well-being, and you can also 462 00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:41,320 distance yourself, sometimes for some time, sometimes for some 463 00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:44,200 time. You can distance yourself and 464 00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:48,120 then circle back to it and try to repair it again. 465 00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:49,840 And it's always worthwhile to try. 466 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:56,560 It's probably not. If you want reconciliation, it's 467 00:32:56,560 --> 00:33:00,800 probably not a good idea to just write it off, because that's 468 00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:02,720 never going to lead to reconciliation. 469 00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:06,960 But you also don't have to have reconciliation. 470 00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:12,880 The problem is that refusing reconciliation means that you're 471 00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:19,640 shutting off your heart. But again, that's a two way St. 472 00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:23,360 you have to work on together. So what about guilt? 473 00:33:23,360 --> 00:33:26,520 Sometimes people feel guilty like I'm a bad Buddhist, I'm a 474 00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:30,680 bad son, my bad daughter. I would say challenge that. 475 00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:33,800 Ask yourself who, who is it that benefits from guilt? 476 00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:39,520 Nobody. The Buddha constantly asked us 477 00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:43,800 to cultivate wisdom. So instead of, you know, self 478 00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:51,800 condemnation, you can use healthy boundaries and and use 479 00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:57,520 those as acts of compassion that you share with the person if 480 00:33:57,520 --> 00:34:00,080 they're able. And if they're not, you have to 481 00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:02,920 be willing to hold those boundaries. 482 00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:12,840 And distance sometimes is the very thing that prevents more 483 00:34:12,840 --> 00:34:18,800 unwholesome karma from arising. And when you turn, sort of turn 484 00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:21,840 the lens around and you look back at the relationship, once 485 00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:25,920 you have enough spaciousness in yourself to do that, you turn 486 00:34:25,920 --> 00:34:28,880 around, you look back at it, you can make yourself a little bit 487 00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:32,199 uncomfortable and you can ask some uncomfortable questions of 488 00:34:32,199 --> 00:34:34,880 yourself, like, was my parents skillful? 489 00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:38,239 Am I skillful? Did I cause part of this 490 00:34:38,239 --> 00:34:40,480 problem? Am I actually at fault for any 491 00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:43,159 of this 'cause you're not naturally innocent of it? 492 00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:47,760 You might actually have done something to 'cause their anger, 493 00:34:48,159 --> 00:34:50,960 but probably there's more to it than that. 494 00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:53,800 You can ask yourself these difficult questions. 495 00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:57,520 How do I treat my own children? Am I perpetuating this? 496 00:34:58,360 --> 00:35:01,840 How do I treat my spouse or my aging parents and my patient 497 00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:04,520 with them because it's not their fault they're old? 498 00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:14,560 Am I perpetuating suffering that was layered on to me? 499 00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:20,040 Am I transforming that suffering in my response so that I'm 500 00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:23,160 extending compassion to those who have come after me? 501 00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:27,800 Not who come after me, but who will come after me? 502 00:35:29,720 --> 00:35:32,400 These teachings are a mirror. I've talked about this just 503 00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:34,440 recently. It's a mirror, not a microscope. 504 00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:39,080 And we can use that mirror to examine ourselves first. 505 00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:44,200 Polish that mirror. That's what meditation practice 506 00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:46,240 is. And we can use these teachings 507 00:35:46,240 --> 00:35:49,040 to become our own ancestors, so to speak. 508 00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:52,520 Whether you have children or not, you are shaping future 509 00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:55,760 generations every day with every thing that you do. 510 00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,440 Sometimes people don't quite get that I don't have kids. 511 00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:04,520 You're still shaping this world. So no matter what happens with 512 00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:07,520 your parents, it's my opinion that as a Dharma teacher that 513 00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:12,680 you're already transforming suffering just by sitting here 514 00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:15,840 and asking these questions. If you do what I just said and 515 00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:18,800 you sit and you reflect and say, what's going on here? 516 00:36:18,800 --> 00:36:21,280 Am I part of the problem? Am I? 517 00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:23,760 How am I doing this? What am I doing there? 518 00:36:24,160 --> 00:36:26,600 If you're sitting in meditation and you're asking those 519 00:36:26,600 --> 00:36:30,440 questions, then you are already working on transforming that 520 00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:32,840 problem. You're already doing great. 521 00:36:33,840 --> 00:36:38,280 Just keep going. The greatest repayment we can 522 00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:43,160 offer our parents is it's not obedience or being a whipping 523 00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:45,480 boy. It's ending cycles of suffering. 524 00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:49,720 Maybe they gave us kindness. Pass that on if they did. 525 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:55,520 Maybe they gave us anger. Let it end here and instead pass 526 00:36:55,520 --> 00:36:58,120 on kindness. Maybe they gave us fear. 527 00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:02,560 Let our courage start on this cushion. 528 00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:08,000 I saw a video a woman made for her kids the other day where she 529 00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:10,800 had all of her children and her husband stand at their front 530 00:37:10,800 --> 00:37:14,480 door and she stood at the other end of the hallway and she said, 531 00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:19,480 hey, all of you take one step forward if your father has ever 532 00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:21,560 hugged you. And of course, the kids stepped 533 00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:24,960 forward. And then she said take one step 534 00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:26,720 forward. If your father ever said that he 535 00:37:26,720 --> 00:37:30,640 was proud of you and the kids took a step forward, take one 536 00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:32,440 step forward. If your father was a part of 537 00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:35,360 your daily life, the kids took one step forward. 538 00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:38,320 Take one step forward if your father attended your school 539 00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:41,880 functions, your ball games, your sports activities and music 540 00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:43,880 things. And the kids also took steps 541 00:37:43,880 --> 00:37:46,480 forward. And she said, take one step 542 00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:51,520 forward if your father bought you gifts and took you on 543 00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:53,920 vacations and they took some more steps forward. 544 00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:57,640 And this went on. And finally she said, now turn 545 00:37:57,640 --> 00:38:02,080 around and all of the kids turn around to find that their father 546 00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:07,280 never left that front door. He didn't take a single step 547 00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:10,280 forward because his father didn't do any of those things 548 00:38:10,280 --> 00:38:13,320 for him. And because he didn't do any of 549 00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:17,840 those things for him, then he made sure he did them all for 550 00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:25,520 his kids and broke that cycle. The Buddha says the best 551 00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:29,040 repayment is helping our parents establish faith, virtue, 552 00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:33,640 generosity, and wisdom. And if they cannot receive that 553 00:38:33,640 --> 00:38:36,920 directly, then we can still honor them by embodying those 554 00:38:36,920 --> 00:38:43,040 qualities in ourselves. So my friend who asked, how do I 555 00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:45,000 love someone who keeps hurting me? 556 00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:51,560 Perhaps the answer is that love is not measured by how much pain 557 00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:55,680 you can endure. Compassion is not measured by 558 00:38:56,040 --> 00:39:01,400 how many boundaries we erase. The Buddha only ever asked us to 559 00:39:01,400 --> 00:39:05,000 abandon hatred and cultivate kindness. 560 00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:08,600 And sometimes the most compassionate thing that we can 561 00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:12,960 possibly do in a situation is offer genuine freedom from 562 00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:15,480 suffering. And sometimes we're offering 563 00:39:15,480 --> 00:39:19,840 that to ourselves. And if we do, then we're also 564 00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:22,160 offering it by way of example to others. 565 00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:26,840 And we can love them from a distance while we do that if we 566 00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:31,160 need to, But we can also work on repairing relationships if 567 00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:35,280 they're allowing it. And sometimes that requires them 568 00:39:35,280 --> 00:39:44,840 seeing that you're happy. And it's not your responsibility 569 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:58,440 to fix them. The deepest way we can repay 570 00:39:58,440 --> 00:40:01,640 them maybe, is not repeating the suffering that we inherited from 571 00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:04,800 them, but by becoming the very place where that suffering 572 00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:08,400 finally stops. So let's sit with that for a 573 00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:25,400 bit. So just settle. 574 00:40:25,400 --> 00:40:29,600 We're short on time and I don't want to rob you of meditation, 575 00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:32,160 so just settle in as quickly as you feel able. 576 00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:36,400 Don't rush yourself. Take as long as you need to 577 00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:41,040 become settled and established in an upright, stable posture 578 00:40:41,040 --> 00:40:43,800 that's also comfortable as much as possible. 579 00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:49,600 We've all been doing this for a long time together. 580 00:40:49,600 --> 00:40:55,000 You probably know by now how to drop in relatively quickly. 581 00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:59,840 Sometimes all it takes is 1 good deep breath and long slow 582 00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:06,880 exhale. But especially if this topic is 583 00:41:06,880 --> 00:41:08,400 heavy for you, it might take longer. 584 00:41:08,400 --> 00:41:10,160 You might need that time. So take it. 585 00:41:11,120 --> 00:41:13,160 You don't have to follow what I'm telling you to do. 586 00:41:13,160 --> 00:41:17,160 Just take the time you need and do what you need to do to settle 587 00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:21,240 and relax. And if this meditation ends and 588 00:41:21,240 --> 00:41:23,320 you're still settling in, that's OK. 589 00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:30,400 That was a good meditation. But you don't have anywhere you 590 00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:32,520 have to be. You're not responsible for 591 00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:35,320 solving any problems right now, not even your own. 592 00:41:39,520 --> 00:41:46,240 For these next few minutes, you're just here just being 593 00:41:46,240 --> 00:41:49,480 present, giving yourself the gift that maybe you weren't 594 00:41:49,480 --> 00:41:55,000 given. Maybe most likely your parents 595 00:41:55,000 --> 00:41:59,760 did not teach you how to be mindful and patient and present 596 00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:08,840 in your own experience. And so sitting here and learning 597 00:42:08,840 --> 00:42:12,520 this practice and then indulging in that gift that you give 598 00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:14,960 yourself is transforming the suffering. 599 00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:26,000 You don't have anything that you have to earn or prove in 600 00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:34,520 meditation. Just as I said in the talk, the 601 00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:40,240 only thing that the Buddha asked of you was to let go of hatred 602 00:42:41,120 --> 00:42:47,840 and pick up kindness. Sit down your hatred and pick up 603 00:42:47,840 --> 00:42:53,120 kindness. Sometimes we have to open our 604 00:42:53,120 --> 00:42:56,720 grip and let go of one thing in order to be able to pick up the 605 00:42:56,720 --> 00:43:02,800 other. And that also is not something 606 00:43:02,800 --> 00:43:05,840 you have to perfect. You just have to try. 607 00:43:11,890 --> 00:43:18,250 And here's a fun little exercise. 608 00:43:20,530 --> 00:43:27,680 If your mind wanders, pay close attention to how you treat 609 00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:30,520 yourself when you realize that you've been distracted and 610 00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:34,000 you've come back. Do you berate yourself for not 611 00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:36,880 meditating properly, for not being a good meditator? 612 00:43:37,840 --> 00:43:40,960 Do you beat yourself up, say mean things to yourself that you 613 00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:43,320 wouldn't let someone else say to themselves? 614 00:43:46,360 --> 00:43:50,640 If that's happening, that's a good sign that you have 615 00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:56,720 something in your hands that you can sit down and you can sit it 616 00:43:56,720 --> 00:43:59,200 down and go, oh, I see, I see that. 617 00:44:00,240 --> 00:44:04,760 Yep, I see it. And you can take a deep in 618 00:44:04,760 --> 00:44:06,480 breath and a long slow out breath. 619 00:44:06,480 --> 00:44:12,360 And that is allowing kindness instead, beginning again without 620 00:44:12,360 --> 00:44:18,640 that anger, hatred, animosity, leaving it sitting there. 621 00:44:19,800 --> 00:44:24,800 I'm picking up, Oh, let me begin again. 622 00:44:25,720 --> 00:44:31,520 Let me be gentle with myself. There's plenty of people out 623 00:44:31,520 --> 00:44:33,240 there who are willing to be mean to you. 624 00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:39,280 Be your own best advocate to show them how it's done. 625 00:44:46,480 --> 00:44:52,640 Sometimes, not always. Sometimes the one of the reasons 626 00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:55,320 that people treat us the way they do is because they see that 627 00:44:55,320 --> 00:44:59,640 we already are doing it. They figure out well, if that's 628 00:44:59,640 --> 00:45:03,480 what they are accustomed to, if that's what they respond to, 629 00:45:03,560 --> 00:45:08,920 then I guess that's what I do. That is in no way to blame 630 00:45:08,920 --> 00:45:13,120 yourself. It's just a reminder that we can 631 00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:19,080 be our own worst enemy. So sit that down and pick up. 632 00:45:20,120 --> 00:45:23,880 May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be at 633 00:45:23,880 --> 00:45:31,340 ease. Sit down. 634 00:45:31,340 --> 00:45:39,860 The lack of caring that somebody laid on you and pick up your own 635 00:45:39,940 --> 00:45:43,820 compassion for yourself. I see you, I feel you. 636 00:45:44,140 --> 00:45:47,780 I want you to be happy. May your happiness continue. 637 00:45:49,300 --> 00:45:59,240 I care about you. Say it to yourself when you have 638 00:46:00,120 --> 00:46:04,640 good times, good moments, good victories, celebrate yourself. 639 00:46:06,960 --> 00:46:14,200 I'm so happy for your happiness. I want you to be happy. 640 00:46:14,200 --> 00:46:18,680 I want you to be able to continue to grow in this kind 641 00:46:18,680 --> 00:46:33,520 quality you're cultivating. Looking and seeing that when you 642 00:46:33,520 --> 00:46:39,480 are difficult on yourself, you're not usually the one who 643 00:46:39,480 --> 00:46:42,520 created that. Usually that's coming from 644 00:46:42,520 --> 00:46:47,880 somewhere else. Not born naturally hating anyone 645 00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:49,680 or anything, including ourselves. 646 00:46:53,920 --> 00:46:57,680 Which is exactly what the Buddha was talking about with causes 647 00:46:57,680 --> 00:47:10,520 and conditions. That place inside where love and 648 00:47:10,520 --> 00:47:15,840 grief and fear and joy and all those things live together. 649 00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:20,400 Just notice whatever's there. Notice which ones are loud and 650 00:47:20,400 --> 00:47:25,080 which ones are quiet, which ones are wounded and which ones might 651 00:47:25,720 --> 00:47:30,320 just be annoying trying to get attention. 652 00:47:34,440 --> 00:47:36,800 When we talk about parents, sometimes it immediately brings 653 00:47:36,800 --> 00:47:41,680 up warmth and love, and for some people it brings up sadness and 654 00:47:41,680 --> 00:47:48,280 confusion and longing, pain. And whatever it is that arises 655 00:47:48,280 --> 00:47:52,240 for you when you sit and reflect on this, see if you can just let 656 00:47:52,240 --> 00:47:54,600 that be there and not judge yourself for it. 657 00:47:57,960 --> 00:48:09,160 Not picking it up and carrying it and just seeing that I don't 658 00:48:09,160 --> 00:48:13,280 have to hate this part of me. It's just a part of a picture. 659 00:48:14,440 --> 00:48:17,000 It belongs here as much as everything else does, but I 660 00:48:17,000 --> 00:48:18,760 don't have to indulge in it either. 661 00:48:20,760 --> 00:48:23,440 Tec Nahan described the store consciousness. 662 00:48:23,440 --> 00:48:27,280 He described it as a garden. And some seeds we want to water 663 00:48:27,280 --> 00:48:29,400 and some we want to let them stay where they are. 664 00:48:29,600 --> 00:48:33,560 We don't need to water them, but all of those seeds are in our 665 00:48:33,560 --> 00:48:39,720 garden. Which one do we want to 666 00:48:39,720 --> 00:48:41,640 cultivate? Because you're always 667 00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:46,600 cultivating something. If you don't pay attention to 668 00:48:46,600 --> 00:48:48,800 your garden, then you cultivate weeds. 669 00:48:52,520 --> 00:48:58,280 So if you are intentional with your gardening, you can nourish 670 00:48:58,280 --> 00:49:04,200 and feed and care for the things that you want to have in your 671 00:49:04,760 --> 00:49:07,960 experience, and you can let those other things fend for 672 00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:17,720 themselves. You might have to imagine 673 00:49:17,720 --> 00:49:20,720 yourself as a child, small, and learning about the world and 674 00:49:21,160 --> 00:49:24,360 noticing this younger version of you and maybe seeing are they 675 00:49:24,360 --> 00:49:28,960 happy? But if they're not, you can go 676 00:49:28,960 --> 00:49:31,840 back to a younger version and a younger version and a younger 677 00:49:31,840 --> 00:49:36,080 version. This practice can be really 678 00:49:36,080 --> 00:49:39,440 difficult sometimes, but it doesn't have to be. 679 00:49:44,160 --> 00:49:46,280 It doesn't have to end in difficulty. 680 00:49:46,960 --> 00:49:51,600 It can be hard to go through the thicket of views instead of 681 00:49:51,600 --> 00:49:55,200 around it. Around it can be a very long, 682 00:49:56,080 --> 00:50:03,600 arduous journey. The fastest way sometimes is the 683 00:50:03,600 --> 00:50:16,440 slow way. And you can bring to mind a a 684 00:50:16,440 --> 00:50:22,600 teacher or a friend or a mentor, someone who's done well by you 685 00:50:22,600 --> 00:50:27,520 and you can notice, does it feel warm and steady? 686 00:50:28,640 --> 00:50:32,960 Is there gratitude there? And you can rest in that and see 687 00:50:32,960 --> 00:50:36,680 what it feels like to be surrounded by a person who cares 688 00:50:36,680 --> 00:50:42,280 for you and respects you and does not have causes and 689 00:50:42,280 --> 00:50:47,360 conditions that have led to them giving you grief. 690 00:50:48,480 --> 00:50:52,600 And see how that feels. And that helps you identify the 691 00:50:52,600 --> 00:50:56,640 other and helps you notice what to look for. 692 00:50:56,640 --> 00:50:59,120 Notice how sometimes we notice in the body. 693 00:50:59,120 --> 00:51:02,720 In fact, I would dare say almost always we notice in the body 694 00:51:03,040 --> 00:51:18,240 before we notice in the mind. So begin to bring your attention 695 00:51:19,800 --> 00:51:24,840 out of this meditative state. Begin to bring your attention 696 00:51:24,840 --> 00:51:28,680 out into the space around you, opening the eyes and looking 697 00:51:28,680 --> 00:51:33,840 around and wiggling your fingers and toes and stretching your 698 00:51:33,840 --> 00:51:39,520 legs and arms. And let's end with a deep breath 699 00:51:39,520 --> 00:54:06,540 in and a longer, slower exhale. You're still here. 700 00:54:07,620 --> 00:54:09,940 It's over. Go. 701 00:54:09,940 --> 00:54:12,500 Practice. Go.