1 00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:06,080 Hey there. Welcome to Tea with Mara. 2 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:08,840 Thanks for seeking out these recordings and listening. 3 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:11,040 My name is George and you may know me. 4 00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:14,280 As Keoki in the metaverse. These recordings are from my. 5 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:16,200 Live sessions in virtual reality. 6 00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:18,320 And in person at two hand Sangha. 7 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,440 For the best. Experience of these sessions you 8 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:23,800 can join me in. Virtual reality, but when you. 9 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:27,200 Can't or if you want to go back and listen again these audio. 10 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:28,880 Recordings will be offered freely. 11 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:32,520 If you have AVR. Headset or an Android or Apple 12 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:36,320 smartphone you can log into VR. Chat and search for the group. 13 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:40,680 Mindfulness VR with no spaces. Join that group and you can find 14 00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:45,360 me there at 8:00 PM Eastern Time on Tuesdays or 9:00 PM Eastern 15 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:47,760 Time on. Thursdays if you wish to. 16 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:49,240 Support. My teachings and these 17 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:51,080 recordings the best way to. Do that is to. 18 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:53,680 Leave a review and. Share this podcast with others. 19 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:57,000 And if you find value in them and you want to, you can make a 20 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,480 donation offering right within the two hands. 21 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:03,640 Sanga website at. Www.twohandssanga. 22 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:07,120 Dot org slash. Donate now let's invite the. 23 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:35,960 Bell and Begin. All right. 24 00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:39,840 Good evening and welcome to Two. Hands Sanga and thank. 25 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:42,960 You all for being here and thank you Shaha welcome. 26 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:48,280 I also I'm glad to be back. After being sick last week. 27 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:51,800 As I mentioned earlier, my. Apologies for last week's. 28 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,200 Sudden cancellation and. For. 29 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:57,240 The surprise cancellation. Of next week, since I'll be out 30 00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:01,480 of town tonight's. Talk is not really a 31 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:03,800 continuation. Of the last two talks. 32 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:09,720 At least not intentionally. A week ago About a week ago a. 33 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:13,400 Week and a half ago, I spoke in virtual reality about how to 34 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:15,920 come back to the path when you've allowed yourself. 35 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:18,880 To drift away, and that was a request. 36 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:22,240 By a community member who it was kind of funny because I didn't 37 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:26,240 have a talk plan for that night, but they at the last minute they 38 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:28,800 asked. For this as a topic and I was 39 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:32,160 like you got it. Thanks and I jumped in and did 40 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,760 this talk on how to come. Back after you've allowed her 41 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:39,360 exact question was allowed somebody else to pull you away. 42 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:45,600 From the path and that talk ended up really hitting home. 43 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:48,880 For a lot of people. And that was that made me happy, 44 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:50,880 but. Of course. 45 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:58,920 The spoiler answer is that nobody can pull you from. 46 00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:01,720 The path except for yourself. You. 47 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,720 You ultimately are the one responsible and so. 48 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:08,480 We have to take responsibility for that, but there are there's 49 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:10,280 a lot more to it. Anyhow, that was. 50 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:14,440 A good talk that that felt like it. 51 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:17,680 Landed for a lot of people and then this. 52 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:21,360 Past Thursday, a week. After that, when I spoke on how 53 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:25,200 to stay on the path once you've come back to it, which also 54 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,720 seems to have landed well for some people. 55 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:31,360 And tonight isn't really meant to continue that, but it kind of 56 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,000 does if you think about what we're going to talk about. 57 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:38,120 Because once you're back on the path, you have to put in effort 58 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,080 to stay there. And that's. 59 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:43,040 Those last two talks. And it can feel like it means 60 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:47,160 that. You have to do practice 100% of 61 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:48,800 the time. You always got to be focused, 62 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:52,320 can never let up and whatever. But the Buddha said that was not 63 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:55,040 the way. To liberation. 64 00:03:55,040 --> 00:04:02,320 That would just be another. Extreme right and so that's not 65 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:05,240 quite right either. And I've talked about recently, 66 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:09,280 you guys know in here from sharing and whatnot, if you're, 67 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:13,760 if you've been around me, that my daughter has been sort of 68 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:15,760 lonely. A couple of weeks ago, she was 69 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:17,160 really. Lonely when we dropped. 70 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:20,680 Her off at. Disney for her DCP program and 71 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:24,960 she was suddenly there. We had we spent several days 72 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:30,200 having fun and then we left and she had to stay and she was 73 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,920 suddenly in a dorm. Room in a big resort. 74 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:39,800 Surrounded by thousands of people, 1500 or 2000 people or 75 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:43,880 so at minimum, who were all in the same place, she. 76 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:46,560 Was alone for the first. Time and having to deal with it 77 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:51,080 and all doing the same thing and going through the same things, 78 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:54,600 and she was immediately surrounded. 79 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:57,440 By at least three. People who were her roommates. 80 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:02,160 And yet she felt completely alone and lonely. 81 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:07,040 And speaking for myself, I'm the kind of person who I can spend 82 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:11,360 days or even weeks completely alone, no human contact 83 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:14,160 whatsoever, and it's fine with me. 84 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,000 I love it, I don't. I quite enjoy it I. 85 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:22,280 Also enjoy being around people, but I very much enjoy being by 86 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:26,040 myself as well and so I enjoy being around people and I 87 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:29,480 especially enjoy having meaningful conversations with 88 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:32,440 people. I have a student who I'm really. 89 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:37,560 Blessed to have. And every, pretty much every 90 00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:41,920 Sunday we meet and it's one of the best hours of my week 91 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:47,800 because our conversation is learning things about the Dharma 92 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:50,440 and whatnot. And it's very much a teacher 93 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:52,640 student relationship, but it's. Also I. 94 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:58,520 Really enjoy their company and and so it's one of my favorite. 95 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:03,400 Parts of the week because. There's zero small talk and it's 96 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:08,640 all deep meaningful conversation and I enjoy solitude as much as 97 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:09,560 the next person. Or maybe. 98 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:14,040 More, but I rarely ever would say that I feel. 99 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:19,200 Lonely even if I'm alone, and I would say that almost never do I 100 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:20,480 feel. That way but I do. 101 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,600 From time to time. I'll have a little. 102 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:27,560 Experience of loneliness. But this last? 103 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:30,520 Point kind of gets to the heart of tonight's talk. 104 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,600 So. I want to talk about being alone 105 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:38,400 and about being lonely and the difference and the middle way. 106 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:44,040 I want to talk about solitude and isolation and sangha and how 107 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:52,280 we learn to stand on our own. And this talk was inspired very 108 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:55,320 much, in fact, initial, initially completely. 109 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:58,200 By. A very old acquaintance of mine 110 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,080 whom I would call him a friend. I don't know if most people 111 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:03,880 would consider that. Probably more of an acquaintance 112 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:08,160 we've never really like. Hung out a lot in person beyond 113 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:11,720 him interviewing me. Decades ago, but. 114 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:14,400 His name is Bill and he's had a lengthy. 115 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:18,520 Career as a writer. For a small town newspaper and 116 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:22,840 he's just a a wonderful guy. He used to interview us for 117 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,400 publicity and stuff for our band that I. 118 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:29,640 Used to work for decades ago. And he's just a great guy. 119 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:33,560 And he still has been doing. He's been writing for over. 50 120 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:37,680 years for the local. Paper and He recently published 121 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:43,360 an article about being alone versus being lonely, and I loved 122 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,880 it so much and it's something I talk about often in my. 123 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,320 Dharma talks, whether that's explicit. 124 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:51,720 Or not. It's in there and. 125 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:55,360 So he wrote this article. About a friend of his named 126 00:07:55,520 --> 00:08:00,480 Jack, one of several friends, and he talked about Jack and how 127 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,360 he would. Go over to. 128 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:05,200 Jack and his wife. 'S Jack's wife's house he and 129 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:09,680 his wife would go over to their. House and they would have dinner 130 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:13,200 and spend lots of time together talking and everything and he 131 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,600 said that while. He was there. 132 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,960 He would scarcely see Jack. Jack. 133 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:20,080 Was not in the room, even though it was a social time for the 134 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:20,920 whole. Group. 135 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:24,600 And he, he said Jack. Just liked to be. 136 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:28,560 Alone, and they would be all in there telling stories and 137 00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:31,680 talking and catching up and the sort of things you do. 138 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,600 And Jack would be off doing his own thing and nobody really knew 139 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:39,320 what he was up to. And he could spend while his 140 00:08:39,559 --> 00:08:41,799 wife was. Alive, Jack. 141 00:08:41,799 --> 00:08:45,560 Was able to spend enormous amounts of time by himself, and 142 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:50,320 he was perfectly happy doing it, as far as anyone could tell, and 143 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:54,160 he just did. He seemed almost antisocial, but 144 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:56,680 then, and Bill didn't know him very. 145 00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:59,480 Well, as a result. And then Bill was kind of 146 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:03,640 perplexed one day when he wanted to do something and he had the 147 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:06,720 opportunity to go do this kind of really cool thing for his 148 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,400 job. And it was. 149 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:12,800 A little bit of a. Faraway Dr. And his friend Jack 150 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,880 suddenly asked if he could go with him, and Bill was. 151 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,760 Pretty surprised by that because Jack. 152 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:22,600 Wasn't the kind of guy to ever do that and. 153 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:26,520 So Bill was a little. Perplexed, And they went, and 154 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:27,600 they. Spent this day together. 155 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:28,800 Drove. There and back and. 156 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:30,880 Had a great. Day together and had this. 157 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:32,680 Whole day, he said. Jack. 158 00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,440 Just talked to non-stop and they had a wonderful time and 159 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:39,240 everything was great and Bill's perception was that. 160 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:43,480 Jack just preferred to be. Alone most of the time and 161 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:44,880 didn't much. Care about? 162 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:46,960 The companionship of other people. 163 00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:52,040 And then Jack's wife died and suddenly Bill started seeing 164 00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:55,560 Jack around town. Which he never did before he 165 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,400 started. Seeing him around town drinking. 166 00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:00,840 Coffee with a little groups of other widowers that. 167 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:04,160 Were hanging out and in the South, I don't know how it is 168 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:06,280 everywhere but in the South if you go into. 169 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:07,680 A. A Hardee's or a? 170 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,960 A Bojangles or something on a weekend you're going to find a 171 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:15,160 group of old men sitting around talking and. 172 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:18,680 That's what Jack did and. Eventually, after that went on 173 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:22,600 for a while, Jack moved back to West Virginia where he had 174 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:26,680 family so that he could be closer to them, and Bill was 175 00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:28,600 talking about how the interesting thing was that 176 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:33,120 externally, nothing really seemed to have changed before. 177 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:34,680 His wife died. Jack was. 178 00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:37,960 Alone a lot. And then after his wife died, he 179 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:41,360 was alone a lot. But the experience for him of 180 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:46,480 being alone had completely changed and he went from sort of 181 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,960 never socializing with people when she was alive to all of a 182 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,520 sudden when she was gone. He wanted to. 183 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,920 Socialize with people. And Bill really kind of 184 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:59,400 considered that a lot and the question that he raised out. 185 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,720 Of all of that was. What's the difference between 186 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:06,000 being alone and being lonely? And when he asked that question, 187 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,560 I was like, there's my Dharma talk for this weekend. 188 00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,040 It was. AI thought a really deep. 189 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:13,000 Question and the initial response is. 190 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,640 Easy to give. I think, but I. 191 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:19,560 Thought there was a lot more to. It than that and underneath that 192 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:24,000 question, I think is how much do we need other people and how 193 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:27,680 much do we need to learn to stand on our own and a lot more 194 00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:30,000 frankly, but that's the. Things that stood out to me. 195 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:35,000 And so being alone is not the same as being lonely. 196 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,880 Being alone describes a circumstance. 197 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:41,880 In other words, if there's nobody in this room, I'm alone. 198 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:47,720 That's just a situation. Being lonely is an experience. 199 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:51,800 That's a feeling. My daughter when we drove away 200 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:56,360 from Disney, she was not alone. She had lots of people. 201 00:11:56,360 --> 00:12:00,680 Around her but she was lonely and when I do self. 202 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,160 Retreats where? I go on, I go somewhere for my 203 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,360 by myself. For a few days or a week or 204 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,080 whatever. Whenever I do that, I spend a 205 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:12,240 lot of time meditating and walking and sitting and reading 206 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:16,400 and not in not coming into contact with any people 207 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,200 anywhere. Maybe if. 208 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,960 I have to go get food or something, but otherwise I'm. 209 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:26,240 Generally alone during those times and being physically 210 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:29,520 alone, I am also still not lonely. 211 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:33,160 I'm just alone. And so those are kind of the two 212 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:36,880 different examples. And you can very much be alone 213 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,240 without being lonely. You can also be incredibly 214 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,240 lonely in a resort. Filled with people. 215 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:47,040 So loneliness can't just mean that there are no people around 216 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:48,960 me. Some There's something else 217 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:54,120 happening when you're lonely, and that means that simply 218 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:57,120 adding people or removing them from the equation doesn't solve 219 00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:00,360 the problem. Solitude and isolation and 220 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:04,440 lonely loneliness are three things that we often. 221 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:08,160 Sort of lump together as. Being alone or being lonely. 222 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:12,680 And we often think that those are the same things and that's 223 00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:16,400 the first problem. But the three things being 224 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:19,000 solitude. Solitude is an intentional 225 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:22,560 thing, an intentional space that you put yourself into. 226 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:26,080 It's quiet. You have time when you're, when, 227 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:28,880 when you. Create solitude, you have time. 228 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:33,040 For reflection, for meditation, for creativity and rest. 229 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,840 And it can be very nourishing for you in different ways. 230 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:39,760 Isolation, on the other hand, is disconnection. 231 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:43,680 Sometimes it's intentional, sometimes it's circumstantial. 232 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:49,920 Isolation can sometimes be. Very helpful as well, but. 233 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:54,840 Prolonged isolation can deprive of us of something we critically 234 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:58,920 need as human beings and we'd I think I just recently talked, I 235 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:02,000 don't think I did a talk entirely about that recently, 236 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:04,760 but I think that was a big. Part of a talk I gave recently 237 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,760 because. Isolation. 238 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:17,000 And in here as well, I've seen hundreds at least, if not maybe 239 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,120 even thousands, but hundreds for sure. 240 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:24,240 People come to the Dharma, have a great time, experience some 241 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,080 good meditation, whatever. They're like. 242 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,880 This is the greatest thing ever and I'm going to be back every 243 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:32,360 week and you never see them again and that's OK That's fine. 244 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,040 They might. It might not be for them, but 245 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:38,240 sometimes what happens is they go off and they go through a bad 246 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:40,600 time. The high of that honeymoon phase 247 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:43,920 wears off and they suddenly. Realize that they still feel. 248 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:47,640 The same way they always have. And they think, Oh well, this 249 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:49,800 must not be working. And so they go and they try 250 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:53,200 something else or they get in the depression or something like 251 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:56,480 that and they just, they isolate and then they feel sometimes 252 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,720 they feel embarrassed. It could be all manner of 253 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:02,080 different things and embarrassment should be, should 254 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,360 never be, a reason not to come to Sangha. 255 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:08,800 Because at the risk of. Using a term that. 256 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,200 People often don't like it's a safe place, it's a safe space 257 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,200 to. Come and be yourself and be 258 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:17,080 heard and be seen and not. Be judged. 259 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:22,800 That's what Sangha is supposed to be, and that's one of the 260 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,560 reasons that the Buddha said that we needed it, along with 261 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:31,080 many others. But that sort of isolation can 262 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,120 is a disconnect. Sometimes we do it on purpose, 263 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:37,120 sometimes it just happens. It can be useful. 264 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,520 It can. Also wear us out. 265 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,240 And loneliness. Is the felt experience of. 266 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:46,840 Lacking human connection, you can experience it in solitude 267 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,680 and you can also experience it when you are completely 268 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:55,000 surrounded by people and having interactions with them. 269 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,800 You could be talking to lots of people and still feel very 270 00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:00,720 lonely and they're. Related all three of those. 271 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,920 Things are related, but they're not synonyms for one another. 272 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:08,680 Buddhism absolutely values solitude. 273 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,640 And again solitude is. Different from those others, but 274 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:14,880 we have to be. Careful and clear not to mistake 275 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:20,640 these for accidentally or or or accidentally make Buddhism sound 276 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,640 like it teaches. Us that we should. 277 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:25,520 Always be around people. Because it doesn't say that. 278 00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:28,040 Either. And don't forget the the Dharma 279 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,480 is the middle path. It's the wise place between two 280 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:34,760 extremes. The Buddha repeatedly. 281 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:38,960 Praised seclusion. In his teachings, he often 282 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,200 talked about go and sit. At the root of a. 283 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,400 Tree in seclusion dwelling in seclusion. 284 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:49,920 Find me whatever it is. And so when we meditate. 285 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:52,680 It requires us as we just did. A few minutes ago. 286 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,960 It requires. Us to simply sort of stop for 287 00:16:55,960 --> 00:17:00,480 temporarily, it requires us to stop looking outward and turn 288 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,760 inward. And that's something that nobody 289 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:07,880 else can do for you. Nobody can meditate for us. 290 00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,520 Nobody can observe the craving mind. 291 00:17:10,599 --> 00:17:13,359 For us. Nobody can tell you what you 292 00:17:13,359 --> 00:17:16,680 think. Nobody can practice wise speech 293 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:20,119 for you. Nobody can let go or renounce 294 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,720 things for you. Nobody can awaken. 295 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:28,160 For us, teachers are able. To point the way sometimes but 296 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,320 and friends can encourage you to do it. 297 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,160 Sanga can even support you considerably. 298 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:38,960 But and Sanga is so important as one of the three gems, one of 299 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,040 the core teachings of of Buddhism. 300 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:46,120 But eventually no matter. What we have to sit? 301 00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:51,120 Down and be with our own mind. Whatever that may look. 302 00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:54,840 Like and that could look nice and neat and fun. 303 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,640 Or, more likely, not it. Could be. 304 00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,600 It could be tumultuous, to say the least. 305 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:08,360 And practice by necessity has this sort of solitary dimension 306 00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:10,240 to it that you can't avoid. You have to do it. 307 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:14,720 And there's a suta, nice and short and not very. 308 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:18,040 Repetitive, which records this conversation. 309 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:21,080 Between the Buddha and a monastic known as Elder Terra 310 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:25,680 and there is someone who. Dwells. 311 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:28,240 Is known as someone who. Dwells alone. 312 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:33,040 He lives by himself, even amongst the Sangha, and the 313 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:36,040 Buddha hears about him and he asks what does that mean? 314 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:37,200 What is he doing? What's what? 315 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:41,800 How's he living by himself? And the other monks explain. 316 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:45,480 And then he says we'll go get there and tell him that I would 317 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:47,960 like to speak to him if he doesn't mind. 318 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:51,240 And they go, and they. Get the elder monk there. 319 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:55,760 And they bring him back, and the Buddha says, what does it mean 320 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,600 that you live alone? You dwell alone? 321 00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:00,680 And he explains he. Says, well, I wake up. 322 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:04,080 Every morning I gather my things and I go for alms in the city 323 00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:06,800 alone. I come home alone. 324 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,120 I don't go with all the other monks. 325 00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:11,040 I go by myself, he says. I return alone. 326 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:15,080 I sit down and meditate alone, and I walk alone. 327 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:20,040 And the Buddhist says, more or less, yes, that's one way of 328 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:21,960 living alone, that is dwelling alone. 329 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:26,800 And he said. But the true lone dweller isn't 330 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,040 simply someone without. Other people. 331 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:33,200 Around them, it is someone who isn't being dragged around by 332 00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:38,840 attachment to the past, the future, and who is experiencing 333 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:43,920 the present moment. And this changes the meaning of. 334 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:46,720 Solitude. According to Buddhism, the goal 335 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:50,480 is not to be in a room with no people in it and do great 336 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:56,640 practice, nor is it to be in a full room filled with people and 337 00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,880 not have any freedom or unbinding. 338 00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:04,840 And so the goal is a mind that is not constantly accompanied by 339 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:09,000 craving and clinging, and which doesn't depend on solitude in 340 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,800 order to get. That so there's a a suta called 341 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:19,280 the Barakurata. Suta and he talks about how you 342 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,680 can be alone and still. Have a a very. 343 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:26,520 Large crowd in your head. And we probably all. 344 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,600 Understand what he means by that. 345 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:32,680 In the Suta, he warns against chasing after the. 346 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:35,360 Past we just talked. About this recently chasing 347 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:38,760 after the past or placing expectations on the future and 348 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,760 that you should just be present and enjoy the present moment as 349 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:44,440 often as you can. And that gives us a different 350 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:48,840 way of understanding solitude. It sounds familiar, probably to 351 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:52,040 at least to some of us, sounds very familiar because it's come 352 00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,000 up. That particular suta has. 353 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:58,680 Come up in at least two talks recently, but you can be sitting 354 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:03,960 completely alone while surrounded by yesterday's 355 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:07,400 conversations in your head. The people that you miss be 356 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,720 missing people in your head and your. 357 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:12,920 Heart the people that. You're angry with could be in 358 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:16,360 your head or who are angry with you the things that you'd wished 359 00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,160 you said. When you should have said it or. 360 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:22,000 The things that you're afraid might happen in the future. 361 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:24,200 Because you did this or you. Didn't do that. 362 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:28,560 You can have all sorts of imaginary relationship in. 363 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,320 Retreats. They often talk about the. 364 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:33,920 Vipassana relationship is where you go into a retreat. 365 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:35,760 It's going to be two weeks and you're going to be there. 366 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:40,520 You sit down and you see some attractive person up there and 367 00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:43,720 they're meditating so good. And they're they look cool. 368 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:46,560 They seem cool. And you create a whole story 369 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:49,680 about who this person is, and they must be like me. 370 00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:52,480 They must be so cool. They must be whatever it is you 371 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:54,920 think they are or are not. Or you are or. 372 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,160 Are not and so. You build this whole 373 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,320 relationship. Then at the end when they break 374 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,000 noble silence and you get the chance to go up and speak to 375 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:05,400 that person, you have already you're in a relationship with 376 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,520 them and you go up and you speak to them and maybe you hate 377 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:09,680 their. Voice or they're. 378 00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:13,880 They don't think like you at all and it ruins that whole fake 379 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,320 relationship. And that's all fake. 380 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:21,200 There's regret that lives in your head, there's expectations 381 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:25,200 and longing and on. And yet you're sitting in a cave 382 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:28,320 with only one person in there yourself, so you can be in a. 383 00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:35,360 Cave by yourself, surrounded by. People in your head, the room 384 00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:38,480 contains one person, but the mind contains the crowd. 385 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:44,600 And so solitude in Buddhism is not really about getting rid of 386 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:46,680 the human beings. It's about learning not to be 387 00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:50,400 imprisoned by all of the things that the mind carries around all 388 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:53,760 the time, right? Just to give just a little 389 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:59,720 example from my day today. I I woke up. 390 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:02,160 Thinking of all the things. I had to do today I. 391 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:08,040 The whole time I was writing or preparing notes and cross 392 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:10,360 checking sutas and stuff for this. 393 00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:12,240 Talk. I was worried I wasn't going to 394 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:14,560 have time to make it to the movie that my wife and I had 395 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:16,120 planned while I was at the movie. 396 00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:18,320 I was worried I was going to miss a call from my daughter 397 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:22,000 because and I could just go on. There's 100 things I thought of 398 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:25,960 today and worried about. Thankfully, I have this practice 399 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:29,800 and I recognize that, and as soon as I recognize that, I let 400 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:31,400 it go and I go. Oh, I actually have. 401 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,080 All the time in the world. I'm not going to hurry. 402 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:36,520 I get home, I finished the talk. I go, oh, I don't need to think 403 00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:38,280 about those things. I need to think about this talk. 404 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:40,560 So. Luckily, I talked myself off the 405 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:42,440 ledge. But I didn't stop from getting 406 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:43,720 on it as. Often as I would have. 407 00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:49,360 Liked. So yeah, we can be imprisoned by 408 00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:52,080 all the things that we carry around in our mind, and often 409 00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:54,760 are. There's a famous saying by Ajan 410 00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:56,480 Cha. Where he says if. 411 00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:58,040 You want to be a little bit happy. 412 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,200 Let go a little bit. If you want to be a lot. 413 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,560 Happy let go a lot. And if you want to be completely 414 00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:08,120 happy, let go completely. And in terms of being in 415 00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:13,040 seclusion, as the Buddha often refers to it, maybe you could 416 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,320 say that monastics have. Let go a little bit. 417 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:19,120 They've let go. Of the householder life and. 418 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:22,520 I bet a householder. Wouldn't think that that's a 419 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:24,440 little bit. But they they've let go of a 420 00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:28,760 little bit. And then maybe a cave monastic 421 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:33,960 who dwells by himself, like the elder Thera maybe. 422 00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:38,280 He's let go a lot. And maybe those people who let 423 00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:41,720 go of clinging and craving. Regardless of their geographic 424 00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:43,680 location. Have let go completely. 425 00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:46,960 And so that's at least one way you could look at that. 426 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:50,840 The Buddha makes this almost sort of what playful distinction 427 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:57,320 in that story about Thera. And he says someone can live 428 00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,080 physically alone in the wilderness and still be dwelling 429 00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:03,600 with companions. And the companions are craving 430 00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:06,040 and clinging. And someone who is free from 431 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:09,520 that craving is able to truly dwell alone, which is the point 432 00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,960 of that suta. He's saying you think you're 433 00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:14,760 dwelling alone if you really want to dwell alone. 434 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:19,720 This is what you need to do. And but the Buddha also doesn't 435 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,240 walk around measuring it and telling people they're doing it 436 00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:23,840 right or wrong or anything like that. 437 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:26,840 He's not counting the number of people that are in a room 438 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:35,040 physically or mentally. And if we don't keep that in 439 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:39,040 mind, then it's easy for us to sort of romanticize isolation. 440 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:40,680 We sometimes think, oh, it'd be so. 441 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:42,800 Great if I could go. Live on the mountaintop and not 442 00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:44,400 have to. Talk to people. 443 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:47,560 At least I do. But we can convince ourselves 444 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:48,960 like, I don't need people. I'm. 445 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,600 Happier without people, people just cause. 446 00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:55,240 Problems. And maybe that's true, but 447 00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:59,000 perhaps we're sitting alone and we're still accompanied by fear, 448 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:03,680 resentment, avoidance, craving, and all those old wounds and 449 00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:08,520 trauma and all those things. All manner, there's another. 450 00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:11,160 Suta that talks about this. Another teacher I guess that 451 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:14,200 talked about this, he said that. When you sit alone. 452 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:17,160 By a still forest. Pool and and sit completely 453 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:18,840 still and let that. Pool. 454 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:22,560 Settle, which is the mind? He says all sorts of. 455 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:24,520 Strange creatures will come to drink. 456 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:28,480 From that still forest pool. And that's what he's talking 457 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:31,360 about. Physical solitude is not going 458 00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:35,360 to guarantee you freedom, and the Buddha was also making this 459 00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:40,560 very pragmatic point. That there are. 460 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:45,600 Wholesome reasons for being alone such as meditating, 461 00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:50,600 reflecting, resting, creating, being alone in silence and 462 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:53,240 learning to enjoy your company, which is ultimately kind of 463 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:54,080 what. It's all about. 464 00:26:54,080 --> 00:27:00,880 In a certain way, but sometimes we also are isolating to avoid 465 00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:03,360 all those things that matter and whatnot. 466 00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:07,880 Relationships require vulnerability. 467 00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:14,400 And if you're not, if you ever want to do a deep dive on 468 00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:16,720 vulnerability, I highly recommend Every Time I Talk. 469 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:19,720 About it, I try to tell people check out Brene. 470 00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:22,320 Brown. She's not a Buddhist, although. 471 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:24,000 She is she just? Doesn't know it. 472 00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:28,600 But she she's dedicated her whole career to. 473 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:30,200 Talking about vulnerability and it's. 474 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:32,280 Pretty, she's got. Some really good stuff on the 475 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,040 subject, but. People. 476 00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:41,120 Sometimes, especially when we're vulnerable, people can 477 00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:43,160 disappoint us. And friendships. 478 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:46,280 Require. Us to put in effort, that's why 479 00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:48,760 you can't manage too many of them at one time. 480 00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:52,720 People have a. Way of interrupting our 481 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:57,160 preferences and other people expose things about us that we'd 482 00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:00,680 rather not see. We like to think we're all calm, 483 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:03,680 cool and collected, but other people being around us can. 484 00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:06,800 Draw out the worst in US, as I've talked about recently. 485 00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:11,800 So you can ask yourself, when I want to be alone, what is it 486 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:14,960 that I'm trying to move towards by being alone? 487 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:17,320 Am I trying to move? Towards peace. 488 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:20,640 In my life, a practice, am I trying to rest? 489 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:24,120 Am I trying to move towards safety from having to deal from 490 00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:25,760 other human with other human beings? 491 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:30,040 Or am I trying to run away from something that's bothering me or 492 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:32,240 whatever. And so really being honest. 493 00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:34,120 With yourself is a huge part of it. 494 00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:40,640 And constant company can oftentimes be a method of 495 00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:43,720 avoidance. Sometimes people can't tolerate 496 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:46,720 being alone. The television has to be on all 497 00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:49,440 the time. The phone comes out, someone has 498 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:51,280 to be sending text messages back and. 499 00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:54,760 Forth or. Needing to make plans. 500 00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:01,280 So I mean, at any given moment in my life, I can look around 501 00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:03,400 and I'm everybody's on their phones. 502 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:09,600 We all do it. And people, sometimes people 503 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:11,400 feel like they need plans going on. 504 00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:15,400 Sometimes it's just they want noise, sometimes it can be. 505 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:18,600 Podcasts or social? Media or anything scrolling doom 506 00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:20,800 scrolling for? Hours before you fall asleep. 507 00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:26,960 At night. But we do all of those things so 508 00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:29,120 that we don't have to sit still with our own minds. 509 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:31,080 At least a lot of times. That's why we do it. 510 00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:38,960 I enjoy sitting alone with my own mind because even when it's 511 00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:42,320 bad quote, UN quote, it's amazing. 512 00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:46,000 I love watching my mind, even when it especially when it does 513 00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:50,640 crazy things like it does, my mind will do wild, unimaginable 514 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:53,760 things on its own. And it's kind of fascinating to 515 00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:56,800 sit there and watch that and and learn from it. 516 00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:02,000 And talking about people needing noise in my house. 517 00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:06,560 I'll tell you something. I pay probably, I haven't added 518 00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:11,080 it up but I'm just going to. Guess I probably pay about. $250 519 00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:16,760 a month for various kinds of TV, and I watch about two hours a 520 00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:23,320 month of TV. However, my TV set is on 24/7 in 521 00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:26,800 my house, unless I'm home alone, in which case it's off. 522 00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:31,320 And, and I'll let you draw your own conclusions about what that 523 00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:36,720 means instead of calling people out, but I don't watch TV very 524 00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:38,320 much. I love to watch TV. 525 00:30:38,320 --> 00:30:41,240 When I can, I just never feel like I have much time for it, 526 00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:45,000 but I very much know. What it's like to see. 527 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:48,240 Someone who cannot tolerate quiet. 528 00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:51,400 That's incredible to me to not be. 529 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:55,880 Able to tolerate quiet there's. A Microsoft, they have this room 530 00:30:56,440 --> 00:31:00,080 in Silicon Valley somewhere that. 531 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:02,560 Is the quietest. Room in the planet, on the 532 00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:05,520 planet, anywhere, and they pay people to come in and try to 533 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:09,280 last as long as they can and most people instantly want to 534 00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:10,880 get out of there. They're like, Nope, Get Me Out 535 00:31:10,880 --> 00:31:11,480 of. Here right away. 536 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:14,920 I would love to do that. I don't know how I would do. 537 00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:17,120 But I would love to do it. I would. 538 00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:21,040 Jump on that in a second and I would try to last as long as I 539 00:31:21,040 --> 00:31:23,400 could because it sounds wonderful to me. 540 00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:25,760 They say it's so quiet. That you can hear your 541 00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:28,560 everything happening in your body, your heart beating and 542 00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:31,200 your blood pumping and all this little creaks and groans. 543 00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:33,000 I'm like, I hear all that right now, so. 544 00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:36,760 I'd love to do that. And again, I'd like to watch 545 00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:38,680 what my mind. Would do with that. 546 00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:43,880 So, but I digress. So anyways, we the people don't 547 00:31:43,880 --> 00:31:46,320 like to sit still and be with their own minds. 548 00:31:46,320 --> 00:31:48,280 It really. Bothers a lot of people. 549 00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:53,840 And that is a kind of avoidance practice. 550 00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:57,520 And what do we know? About practice, whatever you 551 00:31:57,520 --> 00:31:59,080 practice, you get better at right. 552 00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:01,200 So if you're. Avoiding something that's what 553 00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:05,560 you're practicing and if you're if you want to be, if you want 554 00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:09,480 to have a free mind, if you want to have lasting happiness or 555 00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:12,880 awakening or whatever you want to call it, avoiding the 556 00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:14,640 quietness of your own mind is the. 557 00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:20,320 Worst way to go about? Doing it Probably so you can ask 558 00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:24,720 the opposite question of when I don't want to be alone, what is 559 00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:28,760 it that I'm moving away from? Am I moving away from boredom or 560 00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:31,760 fear or grief? Is it restlessness? 561 00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:34,200 Is it? My own thoughts that I'm scared 562 00:32:34,200 --> 00:32:36,880 of is it what I think I might do? 563 00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:39,000 Or. What is it? 564 00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:43,200 Why are we moving away from it? Neither isolation nor constant. 565 00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:45,960 Social activity. Are going to bring you freedom 566 00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:48,080 and this is where the middle path. 567 00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:52,520 Appears where the Buddha was. Saying 1 extreme is I don't need 568 00:32:52,520 --> 00:32:55,800 anybody and I know a lot. Of people like that, but. 569 00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:58,840 I know a person who I. I practice with frequently. 570 00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:02,400 Who? They don't think they need a 571 00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:05,960 single other human ever again for the rest of eternity, and 572 00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:08,360 they'd be perfectly fine with that. 573 00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:11,240 And then? The other side of that. 574 00:33:11,240 --> 00:33:13,800 Coin is. People say I could be. 575 00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:16,640 You know I can't. Be OK without. 576 00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:18,840 Somebody, I'm not happy unless I have somebody. 577 00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:23,400 One of the things that for me and as a father. 578 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:27,480 Of a girl drives. Me insane is the idea and 579 00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:30,160 thankfully my daughter doesn't. See the world this way because I 580 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:34,720 worked very hard to help her. Learn not to be this way, but 581 00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:37,360 well, I don't want to take credit. 582 00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:39,200 For it, it's her that is that way, but I. 583 00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:40,680 Definitely did everything I could. 584 00:33:40,680 --> 00:33:43,560 To help. It be this way, she does not 585 00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:46,760 think that she needs someone else to complete her. 586 00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:50,680 And that whole thing that we romanticize in Hollywood about 587 00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:55,320 you complete me or you're my you're the other half of me or 588 00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:58,800 whatever. That is the opposite of being of 589 00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:00,120 what we're talking about tonight. 590 00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:05,240 You can't be happy if you think that you're not complete, and if 591 00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:08,480 you think that you need somebody else to complete you, you're not 592 00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:11,520 going to be happy. That's a recipe for a breakup 593 00:34:11,639 --> 00:34:12,400 right there. Is what that? 594 00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:17,800 Is in fact the and the Buddha wasn't teaching romantic advice 595 00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:20,760 intentionally. But what he said was. 596 00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:22,920 Very much. That which is if you. 597 00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:25,480 Can't be happy with yourself, you're not going to be happy 598 00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:29,000 with somebody else, so he said. That you have to love yourself 599 00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:31,280 before. You can love others and he also. 600 00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:32,800 Said you have to love. Others before you can love. 601 00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:34,960 Yourself, so it's a. Two way St. 602 00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:37,320 It's not one or the other. And that's where that whole 603 00:34:37,320 --> 00:34:39,920 thing comes from about helping others. 604 00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:42,440 I help myself helping. Myself, I help others. 605 00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:48,120 The middle path is something more like I can be alone without 606 00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:53,120 needing to escape myself, and I can love being with people but 607 00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:55,120 not need them in order to complete me. 608 00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:58,360 And that's the middle path. And we live in a dualistic 609 00:34:58,360 --> 00:35:03,000 reality where we need. Both of those capacities, both 610 00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:06,920 of those abilities. One extreme on by itself is not 611 00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:08,960 going to do the trick for us. We live in a. 612 00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:10,960 Dualistic reality. So you have to have. 613 00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:14,880 Both solitude teaches us to stand on our own and 614 00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:21,480 relationship teaches us how to stand with others in Sanga, the 615 00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:23,960 Buddha's right hand man. You've heard this Sudha, 616 00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:26,040 probably before the Buddha's right? 617 00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:29,520 Hand man Ananda tells the Buddha one day. 618 00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:32,200 He just jumps up and declares. Out loud, he says. 619 00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:34,720 Lord Buddha. I've figured it out. 620 00:35:35,280 --> 00:35:39,520 At least half of the Holy. Life is friendship. 621 00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:43,680 Kaliana Mita, the the the spiritual friend and the Buddha 622 00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:46,600 says no, don't say that, Ananda. Don't say that, he says. 623 00:35:46,840 --> 00:35:50,280 He says admirable friendship, companionship and camaraderie. 624 00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:54,480 Is the whole of the Holy. Life, it's everything and so. 625 00:35:54,480 --> 00:35:57,640 Obviously, he felt it was. Pretty important that it became 626 00:35:57,640 --> 00:36:03,640 part of the core teachings. And that little teaching by 627 00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:06,720 itself makes it distinctly clear that the Buddha didn't promote 628 00:36:06,720 --> 00:36:10,960 solitude completely. He he promoted people, but he 629 00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:13,440 promoted the people who are going to lift your life up, who 630 00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:16,280 are going to not bring you down. So he said surround. 631 00:36:16,280 --> 00:36:23,840 Yourself with wise people. And that reminds us to prevent 632 00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:26,960 ourselves from turning to solitude and instead. 633 00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:32,840 Have sort of a a. More robust, I guess you could 634 00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:34,440 say. Full picture of. 635 00:36:35,720 --> 00:36:40,240 Being alone and being lonely and the Buddha created the sangha, 636 00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:44,040 the community of teachers and students and friends practicing 637 00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:49,560 alongside one another us here so that we. 638 00:36:49,560 --> 00:36:53,520 Would be able to walk the path. Alone, which we have to do, but 639 00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:56,400 still be with company. That would keep us. 640 00:36:57,480 --> 00:37:00,480 In between the guardrails, and that's a crucial. 641 00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:03,520 Piece of practice. And sometimes that feels a bit 642 00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:05,280 like a. Paradox we're supposed to be. 643 00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:09,240 All about the sangha community, people, the wise community, but 644 00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:11,920 practice ultimately is something that. 645 00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:14,160 You have to do by. Yourself, you don't have any 646 00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:16,560 choice. Nobody else can be mindful for 647 00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:19,400 you, or relinquish your craving or develop your wisdom. 648 00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:22,480 And yet we need one another in order to. 649 00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:25,120 Practice. Well, people are a part of that. 650 00:37:25,120 --> 00:37:28,280 Practice people teach us. They encourage us, they 651 00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:32,680 challenge us and correct us and model possibilities and model 652 00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:35,680 the wrong things. I growing up with my brother, he 653 00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:38,760 modeled all the things I should never do in life and I learned 654 00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:43,400 it well. They people expose the things 655 00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:44,640 that we're. Attached to. 656 00:37:45,560 --> 00:37:48,200 They give us opportunities for generosity, they give us 657 00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:52,040 opportunities for patience and compassion and all of those 658 00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:57,760 things, some parts. Of of the path, literally. 659 00:37:57,760 --> 00:38:00,040 Cannot be practiced in isolation. 660 00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:01,240 You can. Practice. 661 00:38:01,320 --> 00:38:04,440 All the generosity you want, but if you don't have somebody else 662 00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:07,200 there to be generous to, there's not much you can go. 663 00:38:07,320 --> 00:38:09,160 Very far. With generosity, you can't go 664 00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:11,440 very far. With generosity, without people, 665 00:38:12,200 --> 00:38:15,840 it's difficult to discover. Your own level of impatience 666 00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:17,880 when you are not surrounded by people. 667 00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:19,840 It's super easy when you're surrounded by. 668 00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:21,400 People. At least it has. 669 00:38:21,480 --> 00:38:24,800 Been in my life. You can't practice wise speech 670 00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:27,720 if there's no one to talk to. You could try and you could. 671 00:38:27,720 --> 00:38:32,320 Talk to yourself, I guess that would get you a little ways but 672 00:38:32,320 --> 00:38:34,640 really you also. Can't practice like things like 673 00:38:34,640 --> 00:38:37,400 forgiveness either. If there's nobody capable of 674 00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:39,880 hurting you, there's not much you can do to forgive. 675 00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:44,040 Other people are not interruptions to. 676 00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:46,880 Our practice. They're very often the source of 677 00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:50,160 our practice. And that is kind of worth noting 678 00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:53,360 explicitly because sometimes the language of Buddhism. 679 00:38:55,080 --> 00:38:57,240 We talk about. Attachments and all of that. 680 00:38:57,520 --> 00:39:01,040 It gets misunderstood as simply I shouldn't need anybody, but 681 00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:02,760 that's not what the teachings said. 682 00:39:05,240 --> 00:39:10,240 Non attachment doesn't require us to be emotionally distant. 683 00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:13,640 You can love somebody. You can enjoy somebody else's 684 00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:15,400 company. You can miss someone. 685 00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:17,960 You can look forward to seeing them laugh until your stomach 686 00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:20,080 hurts. With friends you can sit around 687 00:39:20,080 --> 00:39:21,840 and have. Coffee with people and talk. 688 00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:24,480 None of that is going to mean that you're clinging. 689 00:39:24,480 --> 00:39:26,440 Necessarily, but it all could. Mean it. 690 00:39:26,720 --> 00:39:29,800 The question is really, what do we do when those conditions 691 00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:31,800 change? Do are we able to deal with it? 692 00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:33,720 Good or bad? Are we able to deal with it? 693 00:39:34,280 --> 00:39:36,800 And that's much more. Closely aligned with what the 694 00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:39,400 Buddha taught. About non attachment, sometimes 695 00:39:39,400 --> 00:39:42,920 being alone hurts a whole lot. Maybe somebody dies. 696 00:39:43,240 --> 00:39:45,520 We've had. In our virtual community, we've 697 00:39:45,520 --> 00:39:47,760 had quite a number of deaths recently. 698 00:39:47,920 --> 00:39:51,040 In our broader community, we've. Had a lot of deaths, Dolly. 699 00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:54,920 Parton and there's been like. Four people of of great note 700 00:39:54,920 --> 00:40:00,240 that died this past week so. Relationships end and kids move 701 00:40:00,240 --> 00:40:03,600 away and friendships change and life changes and that's. 702 00:40:03,640 --> 00:40:06,440 All those are. Circumstances. 703 00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:09,360 That's first arrow stuff. I miss that person. 704 00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:12,320 I wish they were here, that there's nothing wrong with that. 705 00:40:12,320 --> 00:40:15,680 And then sometimes we get that second. 706 00:40:15,680 --> 00:40:18,280 Arrow that the Buddha talked about in the salata. 707 00:40:18,280 --> 00:40:22,800 Suta Nobody cares about me. I'm always going to be alone. 708 00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:26,280 Nobody thinks of me. Nobody invites me. 709 00:40:26,520 --> 00:40:29,760 Nobody remembers me. Everybody else has somebody 710 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:31,480 else. There must be something wrong 711 00:40:31,480 --> 00:40:33,720 with me. That's all. 712 00:40:33,720 --> 00:40:37,960 Second arrow stuff where we're hurting ourselves and practice 713 00:40:37,960 --> 00:40:40,160 doesn't prevent that from happening. 714 00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:45,440 But it does help us. Avoid building an identity 715 00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:49,120 around that and making it our. Future. 716 00:40:51,520 --> 00:40:54,080 So like the next time you're alone and you're trying to 717 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:55,040 figure. Out how to practice. 718 00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:56,840 With this kind of stuff, maybe you'll go home tonight or 719 00:40:56,840 --> 00:40:58,760 tomorrow. And practice with this stuff. 720 00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:03,160 You don't have to decide. Whether that's good or bad. 721 00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:05,640 And you definitely shouldn't judge yourself on all of that 722 00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:07,040 kind of stuff. Just. 723 00:41:07,040 --> 00:41:10,840 Look at your. Moments and ask yourself, what 724 00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:12,200 is this that's happening right now? 725 00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:14,000 Am I? Is this solitude? 726 00:41:14,040 --> 00:41:17,200 Am I in solitary confinement, so to speak? 727 00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:20,120 Is am I isolated or am I isolating? 728 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:23,720 Is this loneliness or peace or grief or avoidance or? 729 00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:26,600 Is this exactly? What I need right now? 730 00:41:27,040 --> 00:41:29,800 Am I trying to avoid being alone with myself? 731 00:41:29,840 --> 00:41:34,160 Would wisdom have me stay here? Or would wisdom have me reach 732 00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:37,480 out? And that can mean staying on the 733 00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:39,880 cushion or it can mean getting up and getting out of the house. 734 00:41:40,280 --> 00:41:42,040 You could call somebody and say. Hey, let's go get. 735 00:41:42,040 --> 00:41:43,560 Coffee or whatever it might. Be. 736 00:41:46,800 --> 00:41:49,600 Neither answer is more. Buddhist than the other, it's 737 00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:52,040 just whatever is appropriate. In that moment, how's. 738 00:41:52,040 --> 00:41:53,280 What's the best way to meet that? 739 00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:56,080 Moment or as my. Wonderful teacher. 740 00:41:56,080 --> 00:41:59,760 One of my many wonderful teachers asked me one time, 741 00:41:59,960 --> 00:42:02,480 what's the most generous thing I can do in this moment? 742 00:42:02,680 --> 00:42:05,560 Which is just another way of saying what's the best I can do 743 00:42:05,560 --> 00:42:09,640 with what I have right now And if we go. 744 00:42:09,640 --> 00:42:13,080 Back to Jack. As we wrap up this talk, if we 745 00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:15,760 go back to Jack in that story by my friend Bill. 746 00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:20,440 Maybe Jack didn't stop liking solitude. 747 00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:24,960 Maybe he just discovered a very important insight about himself 748 00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:27,440 that. The solitude that we choose 749 00:42:27,720 --> 00:42:30,920 while connected to others. Is not necessarily the same 750 00:42:30,920 --> 00:42:35,040 thing as not having anyone. Those are two different kinds of 751 00:42:35,040 --> 00:42:39,520 solitude and connection can exist, and we can. 752 00:42:39,520 --> 00:42:43,440 Be totally happy. Quietly being alone when we have 753 00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:46,280 that connection in the background of our lives. 754 00:42:46,280 --> 00:42:48,960 And also sometimes we don't realize how much it matters 755 00:42:49,280 --> 00:42:51,720 until it's gone. Like The Rolling Stones taught 756 00:42:51,720 --> 00:42:53,280 us, right? You don't know what you got till 757 00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:58,440 it's gone. And maybe the wisdom for us on 758 00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:01,720 that is not really about choosing between the two, it's 759 00:43:01,720 --> 00:43:05,160 maybe learning the proper place of. 760 00:43:05,680 --> 00:43:08,960 Each of those things. In our lives and what how to 761 00:43:08,960 --> 00:43:12,360 respond appropriately to them. The Buddha taught how. 762 00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:16,040 To be alone in a deeper. Sense not abandoned, not 763 00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:22,120 isolated, not disconnected, but increasingly, incrementally free 764 00:43:22,440 --> 00:43:26,960 from the companionship of craving and clinging and fear 765 00:43:26,960 --> 00:43:28,880 and regret and all of those things. 766 00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:34,600 And strangely enough, the more we become good at that kind of 767 00:43:34,600 --> 00:43:39,360 aloneness, the more frequently we might be able to enjoy more 768 00:43:39,480 --> 00:43:42,240 people's company, which is kind of a A. 769 00:43:42,240 --> 00:43:45,120 Surprise twist. Not so that. 770 00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:49,480 We will be OK, but simply, I'm so glad you're here, you know? 771 00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:56,360 That's probably the middle. Way between loneliness and 772 00:43:56,360 --> 00:44:00,520 isolation, learning how to sit alone and learning how to be 773 00:44:00,520 --> 00:44:05,320 together so that. We can do what we. 774 00:44:05,320 --> 00:44:09,480 Need of both and build a sanga where nobody has to confuse one 775 00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:13,560 of those things with the other. And that's all I got to say 776 00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:15,440 about that tonight. So thank you. 777 00:46:38,160 --> 00:46:41,160 You're still here. It's over. 778 00:46:42,360 --> 00:46:43,360 Go. Practice. 779 00:46:44,720 --> 00:46:45,160 Go.