I'm Michael Che and I'm Colin Jose, and we've got a little
secret. Actually, it's a pretty big
secret. Well, now you got to give the
people something. I'm not saying a word.
Oh, then people will know to tune in.
Come on, tell them a little. Like our hosting of comedy
events streaming only on Peacock.
Exactly how it's called New York After Dark.
And it's a comedy show that only features drop in comic.
Boom. You nail into Michael Che's
phone. Nervous.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
New York After Dark. It's some kind of comedy thing.
And it's streaming now only on Peacock.
You love it. Zippers, welcome to this episode
of the Tea with Me podcast. With me, she and Todd, the crack
was good. We're feeling good here.
We've got some made some tea. We're having a good time.
We're sponsored before we get in there.
Anything we're sponsored by Thompson's Tea.
Look, these guys have been knock on about the local tea game for
a long time. They've seen all these companies
come and go and they've they've continued to be Northern
Ireland's number one selling tea.
Yes. And it's very lucrative,
violent, it's complex. It's it can get, you know, you
can get in the Muddy Waters with it.
But but of course there's local tea game.
But just like Nambari. They're like the big Nambari
family. Yeah, this is the Punjana.
Family. It's like The Sopranos, Yeah,
but not really in any way. They're just fucking tea bags at
each other from across the road. But well, the number now, Barry
wouldn't you wouldn't go very far because the the the leaves
aren't good, but you could fuck you could honestly.
And Thompson family won't mind me saying this.
You could fuck a bag of Punjana a mile and a half, I would say,
because it's just the best tea, you guys you could.
These guys were making tea since the 1800s, all right?
They know tea like the back of their hand.
Me and Don have visited their facility in East Belfast, which
was great. We've seen.
Sucker on the bottom of your shoe?
Sorry, but you do. I know it's it's the price of
the shoes I'm not taking off. It just says the size does it.
Yeah, yeah, it's a barcode. Yeah, I could get that app right
and scan it. You can, yeah.
But continue with your tea. Let me see the bottom of your
shoes then. Oh, you've been mugged.
What do you? Mean it's just a post it.
We also like last night we did the live podcast and I had a bit
of confetti at the bottom of my shoe and it was on just to walk
on stage and then a guy pointed it like to me that was doing
sound and then I held my shoe up to look at it, but he thought I
was holding it up to me. Take it off now.
And he did it and I was like, oh, I'm so sorry.
Were we that you had confetti on your shake?
At the Limelight didn't live. No, but was there confetti at
the gig? There was confetti at the gig
before team. I have to do these reads, sorry.
I. Have to do these reads.
I have to, otherwise we're out in the streets #1 Northern
Ireland's number one selling tea pajana.
Best in the game Belfast made. Keep drinking it, we appreciate
them. Is that what I'm sponsor?
That's what you're drinking. Now we can talk about the
debacle we have making this tea in a second.
We are also sponsored by manscaped Manscaped.
Look, I don't know what way you're taking care of your
pubes. I don't know if you're, you
know, still using outdated methods.
I don't know if you're running about, you know, tighten on your
pubes, the paramilitaries to try and get them to kick them out.
Don't do you don't need to intimidate your pubes out.
What you need to do is go to manscape.com.
They have the best immense below the belt groom and they've got
the lawnmower 4 point O they've got an yeah, We talked about it
last week in the podcast and I said I need to I need to start
getting higher my own supply and I still haven't yet.
I still. Haven't manscaped.
Not in like I need to not it's not here's here's how I describe
it. It's a little bit like like as a
guy when you get a haircut and then it grows out a bit.
It's not that bad, but like it's over your ears just a wee bit.
You still need. You still need to take care of.
It there. Was a girl, you know, I know
we've just had International Women's Day, but shut up.
Use the code tea with me, 20% off and free shipping.
They've got it all. They've got it all.
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description. Last thing, go to
plugpatreon.com where we do the live stream episodes, We do
bonus episodes and all that good stuff.
And then also, I'm going to be in America.
Don, is that this week? Oh.
My fucking God. Is that this week you need it
might be triple. Adapter for all these plugs.
What? Fuck me.
Chicago, no. Boston, 22nd of March,
Washington 23rd, and then New York, 24th and two shows in the
26th. Yeah, the 23rd is today.
Yesterday I was in Boston. Come to that.
Today I'm in Washington, DC Tomorrow I'm in New York and
then two shows in Woodlawn, which is in the Bronx.
We'll put the description in there.
My guest today is Deona Haggerty.
No, this is a weird subject because you were dealing with
Doherty, and at a gig we did recently you got introduced as
dealing with Doherty. Yeah.
Are you happy with either? If I'm earning money, it's Dory.
If I'm ringing a Chinese, it's Haggerty, right?
Or the doctors or something. Yeah.
I never, I never do. It was whenever I got married, I
asked my agent at the time should I change my work name as
well to Haggerty. And then she was old.
Nah. Sound shake.
Yeah, she was all just alliteration with the D and the
D and also just IMDb had Doherty and she's a lot of shit.
I can be arsed. You've got the D and the D and
IMDb. On the IMDb, my whole family's
DD right? What are the Kardashians?
A dairy. Yes, so like all the Kardashians
are like Chloe, Kourtney, Kendall.
I knew more than I thought there, Kim, what are what are
who is in your family? D Donna Darn Diona Doherty from
Derry. So by the way, is your dad?
Well, no, that's an help. But is your dad just D?
Everybody in dairy is called D What?
Everyone in dairy is called D Doherty.
Literally everybody in dairy is called.
D if you're not called D EE, D EE.
Yeah, so like genuinely, if you, if you speak to smells from
dairy and they're all watching Daddy Dory and everyone's I fuck
which one? There's a thousand of them,
right? D Doherty's in dairy.
There was about 6 and my brother's year in school.
Right now, were you tempted when your agent we talked about
changing your name, were you tempted that as a stage name
change your first name you're happy with that I.
Like my first. Name you like Diona?
Because my mom and dad made it up.
Because my dad's called Dave, my mom was called Dawn, and they
put them together and got Diona. Oh, no.
My dad's called Dennis. Mom's called Susan.
It would have been Dusan. Yeah.
Or Senis Senis. Susan's better.
Will. I look like I look like I could
be from Poland and called Susan. That's perfect, yeah.
And it's also because you have quite an A draw, an andragonist
lockaboochi. Pardon.
Is that all right for me to say? I mean, I'm offended by that,
but also I don't know what the word means and.
Dragonist, you know you're not sure if you're a boy.
No, I don't mean for that to be offensive. 00 and in in a fun
way. Do you know like?
You're saying if you saw me on the broil of the hill from a
distance, you'd have to. You'd have to really think about
it. Who's on the broil of the whole
year, eh? What?
Did you say if I saw you from a hill?
Yeah, on the brow of a hill. You're on the hill or am I on
the hill? Because that affects my vision.
Right, I'm on the brow of the hill.
I no, so I know you're a boy. There was a there was a wee.
There was a wee boy in my school and my private.
Don't change the subject. Why did you describe me as
androgynous and said it's hard to tell if I'm a boy or a girl?
No, no. I don't think it's hard to tell
if do you know what androgynous means?
No, no, it's like you're not particularly really masculine,
nor are you very feminine. You're just in the middle.
What are you trying to say right now?
Because what about me isn't masculine?
I'm wearing a pink T-shirt. I got my legs crossed.
We gigged recently at an International Women's Day event,
and everybody on the lineup, everybody in the lineup, like
all of the events throughout the day, was a woman.
Everybody in the audience was a woman.
The fucking host was a woman and you were the entertainment.
Yeah, I, I still, that was a weird one.
I like because I was booked to do stand up at it.
I knew it was for International Women's Day, but I thought it
was like there was loads of comedians on and I was just
wondering, I thought maybe I'm the token guy.
Yeah, but it turns out no. I you were just the.
Guy, they think women's comedy in Northern Ireland, they go
get, get, get, get decent, yeah. Get decent and she's great.
Here I've let's talk about that game.
I've never felt more comfortable on stage.
There were 300 middle-aged women.
It was just fat. I loved everything.
And also, you told them it was fab, quite a lot.
You were like girls, we're just having a great day, aren't we?
Yeah, I really had to check the vibe on it because I was like,
do they like like the cheek because I was leaning into so
much like OK, I'm a guy here, it's all women.
This is lovely. This is beautiful.
I've very nearly started the set by saying girls don't worry.
I've talked it all in between my legs for this.
But then I kind I kind of felt like a new little animals, but I
think as. Soon as you got on stage, they
went. There's quite an andragonist
looking being we're cool with this guy, gal, whatever's
happening. Androgynous be.
I don't even think you're saying it right and that's annoying me
more. I'm not sure if it's an
androgynous or androgynous. Depends where you're from.
I I think it's my accent. Yeah.
It's making me say the hard GII. Mean I don't know.
I don't know if I because I think I I do.
I am quite masculine I think because I'm so camp that means
that comes from circle and I'm asking like I could honestly I
could. I think I could wank a guy off
and not feel anything. Multiple guys.
Well, wanking a guy off is the most masculine thing you could
do. Like, yeah, do you know what I
mean? Because yeah, like everything
involved there is is to do with a man.
And it's, it's put, you know, pulling, pushing.
It's at manual labour as well, so.
There was a wee boy in my primary class and I know I know
he was a wee boy and he went to I used to ask him and this
sounds horrible. I used to always go to him and
go what are you because he'd curly hair and he'd use me
glasses and I did not. I even know I'm confused.
I didn't know if he was a girl or a boy.
You should be posthumously cancelled.
Like if I knew what posthumously meant.
So you used a big word, and I am what?
Mike? What?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Possibly. Have you died?
I thought it meant, like, back and belatedly.
You should be, Belatedly. To be dead, To be posthumously.
Posthumously, that's what that's the, that's what that he said,
He's Ledger got a an Oscar posthumously.
But he didn't get cancelled. But well, in a way, he did
Cancel from life, Delete. He's cancelled from the movies.
See ya and I still always go for this be like what are you
actually? And he thought I was joking so
he would be all leave me alone and I'm like just tell me what
you are. This is a horrific tale of
bullying, he said. Just leave me alone.
But I didn't know what he no thinking back waynes or decks.
Aren't they like kids are real awful bastards, me included,
probably because I used because I just just did.
I just wanted to know what he was, because if you just fucking
answer the question. But why does he have to be?
It's like me, why do I have to be in a box?
There's a box and it says androgynous on it and I'm in
there with that kid. Just crying.
I don't know I am. He probably told me every day
I'm a boy and I was like. See, I used to look more like a
boy because I used to. I used to have a shaved head up
until I was like 1516 or just the 2 all over.
And I used to just wear football.
Why? Is that was that for sure
whenever we were that age was not all like blonde tips and all
run like. No, that's.
And like, do you remember like the what?
The Fleck, the front of your hair.
Yeah, I have that. Well, I used that George words.
I used to have the Fleck but also the shaved head.
Yeah, a Lone Ranger flick, Rogue flick, and then the rest.
He was bought. Yeah, at one point I I was like
got when I was like probably about 12:13.
I thought why, why do more girls not like fancy me or anything?
So I thought I know let me dye this just just the fringe bit
peroxide blonde and just have my weird chipped.
Also have a weird chipped head and that combo did not work.
I mean, how did that you were saying trying to win gold,
fellows the. Frosted No, I'm saying I would
posthumously do that. The the weird, that weird
frosted tip look, that was in hindsight one of the looks that
at the time guys thought was myself included, thought was the
best. But that was looking back on it,
the shittest look and what it was is you would have like a lot
of a fringe combed over spike the middle and back of your
hair. Yes, and then you had a bits
coming down like the back. That was the shittest
disgusting. It was so bad.
And I used to have like a gel that was coloured.
It was like a red, So you'd put a bit of red or you might do
like a Mohawk bit in the middle. That was fucking.
That was such a bad. I got a.
Perm when I was 12 right? Like a full, full fucking Irish
dancing head locking perm right and.
I-16. 12/12 it was 12 like who's letting their kids get a permit?
12 and I and it was the most potent shit as well.
Like it's not now. Like it was like my head was
stinging like fuck. And it was like as never
inherited for about 3 days trying to get it done and I went
under school all best. I lived out in the country.
So over the summer I didn't see anybody.
So I was like, I'm going to go back to school with my parent,
be like, so cool. Yeah, right.
And I went under my school. My mom dropped me off, drove the
40 minutes back to where we lived and I came under school
with my parent and I. We hair band on and went up to
the like reception. I was like, can you let me know
which class to go to? Because you get like a new form
class when you go on. And she was like, what are you
talking about? You don't start till next week.
They were in doing admin. Shit eyes.
I'm there in my uniform and my pair just crying in the foyer.
The kid with the perm would want to come in a week early.
Actually, I think the early bird catches the worm.
You know the perm? You live 40 minutes away from
school? Yeah.
Was there no schools closer? You just what there was.
It was the best goal. It was a grammar school.
Right. It's the school.
There he goes a set about. Oh, OK.
It's the grammar school, so. I lived potentially a nought .4
mile drive from my school and every single day got a lift.
Isn't that shit like? That's, that's that is absolute
privilege. Yeah, like, disgusting.
Yeah. Why didn't you?
Why wouldn't you walked? Kids love walking to school
because you can go out and have a cubby sneaky fag or something.
Yeah, well, I wasn't going to. I wasn't going to do that.
No, no, I don't. I don't know.
I I I would have hated a long journey to school.
I It was brutal, but then I could do my homework in the car
and also that's how I got smarter because my dad would ask
me questions the whole way. He'd make me like, do maths and
some. Sounds like the shittest drive.
40 minutes of your dad like. Making me spell words.
Your dad like like like an episode of Countdown.
And also my brother was still is 2 years older than me.
He's always going to be until he's posthumously fucking dead.
He's two years old. He'll still be two years older
than you when he's. Dead and he we both used to sit
in the back a seat of the killer.
Obviously be weird you. Both sat with your dad on his
knee. And my dad used to ask us sums
and ask us like is to spell shit.
What does your dad have no chill like?
No, he's. Just been in school all day.
Yeah, there and back, but my I was smarter than my brother, who
was two years older than me at this.
We've established, Yeah, he's two years older.
Yeah, so my dad would ask me and he'd be all doing my shut up
like don't want like. He'd be asking my brother.
He'd be like what, 7 * 5 plus whatever he would do like 3
threesomes. I said, plus whatever.
You can't add that option. You're trying to do the sum.
There was no yeah. And I would like 35.
I would jump on and answer it. And he'd have to let her tell me
to shut up and give my brother a chance because he'd get really
upset because she's answering all of mine.
And then he'd be like, she always gets the easy ones.
And I'm like, no, you're just fucking fuck his champ.
Give me any sum. 6 * 4 + 5 * 2. 34.
Yeah, well done. That was quick.
No worries. Give me some. 46 * 98. 625.
No, you just made-up a number. Google it.
What do you want? You mean to glue?
Giggle it. Do you know why I got really
good at maths? By the way, are you right?
No, all right. Imagine I was.
That would be so freaky. The I failed my mass GCSE three
times which is 2 + 1 and. How did they let you do it three
times? Because I failed it in school
and then went to tech and then in tech after I'd already
enrolled and started the course. They were like, shit, you needed
a mass GC, We shouldn't have let you in.
You needed a mass GCSE to do this.
And I went, well, I don't have it like I'm an idiot.
And they went, will you reset it this year through the tech?
And I went, yeah. And then I failed it because I
had done no work since school, like I had not developed.
Added anything up since then. And then the next year they were
like right, will you at least say you'll try the exam again?
I said yeah, when I did it in school, remember there was where
you do 2 maths exams for the GCSE in school to 1 + 1 and the
one you bring the calculator and one you don't.
Yes, to bring the calculator. I brought a Smarties calculator
that we had got. Which bring like a scientific
calculator. You know, it was an orange smart
like the the calculator was like a giant smarty with just one to
9 on it, nothing else. So I'm like.
Didn't even have all had one to 9 on it it.
Had 1:00 to 9:00, but it didn't have like π you know, so I was
just doing 3.16. No 3.14.
Fuck, that's why I didn't get the exam.
What are your mom and dad think of?
Like, you know, you've been on TV and like success and stand up
and all that kind of thing. They love it.
My ma is a pure things like she loves being outgoing.
Have you seen she just tells everyone like have you seen
something? And they're like, no, just like,
well, my daughter's on it. Like well, we haven't seen it.
My daughter's on it. My mom, like, was an actor.
Oh, right, question for moment that amateur.
I'm drum. I'm Drum.
Mine did, I'm drum, mine did. She used to come down to Belfast
and do plays as like in her late teens and she used to snog
Germany as but exclusive. So did my mom.
We have our mums had a full fight.
I shouldn't make the same math. Well, I am what like where would
you have done plays like? And now Bryce OK, and it's funny
because she did she used to go and do Martin lunch plays for
black GBL was going to be GBL at the time, but she's don't play
for Martin lunch and she did a play 1 summer and the part that
she played. What is she D?
Which is my dad's name. What does she say about Nesbitt
snogging? Like was he?
Very wet. Wet and taste like champagne
always on it. I can bet you that.
They were, I think they must have been doing shows together,
right? But I remember growing up and
telling people in school that my ma had a full relationship,
which I was an awful liar. I was like, my ma was like, he
was nearly my dad. Like I think I expanded on it
massively throughout the span of being in school.
My dad used to snog my my federage.
Really. No.
Hi. Oh, yes, he did as hi.
Like yes, he like, yes, he no, yeah, yeah.
So I when I used to be like, see him on TV and be like, he could
have been my dad, yeah. That's not how it works.
I know.
And I think that too. I think that doesn't work again.
No. Yeah.
Why did mom not? Why did mom not?
Why did Mom stop? Knocked up?
No, I don't know. She was probably shit.
I just, she shows you footage back and she's so bad, you know,
like school around the corner, acting like when kids would come
on and do like a monologue. Yeah.
And Mommy did take us for chance.
Yeah. That would get me rolling so
many things. And why would it?
What does your folks think about you?
Do what you do. They love it.
They like it. Very like, very supportive, but
like we'll get annoyed if I don't remind them of things that
I'm on, even if it's like, you know, if I'm on cue radio to
promote a gig they want. To hear.
It 5:00 to 7:00 in the morning. Why didn't you tell us?
I was like, I didn't even know until like 10 minutes, you know?
Do they could you talk about your dad quite a lot and do they
does your dad like that? Does he buzz off that loves it?
Does he love? It he'll be like here, don't be
flipping. He'd be like, don't be telling
that story from 1992 where I've dropped the watermelon and
Tenerife. You're like, well, I'd forgotten
that story. He's like, well, I've got notes,
I've got notes. Nah, yeah, they love it.
Like. My my dad came to watch my
second ever stand up gig. That's brief.
They loved it and I remember afterwards my dad going, you can
afford to be dirtier, you know that.
Give them the shock factor, lean under that.
And I was all like my dad gave me like I wanted to be a lawyer
at one point whenever I was a teenager only because I'd watch
Legally Blonde and I'd all A's and my A levels and all A stars
and my GCS ES and like everyone was like, you need to do
medicine or law. And I was like, but like, I'll
not do medicine, but in law. Can I wear pencil skirt every
day? And like, I want, I just wanted
to be in a courtroom with like a wee dog.
I lag inside courts putting on a joyrider, you Rottweiler.
I demand a recount. I'm not.
What the fuck are we talking about?
But the mayor, you're confused. You wanted to be the mayor.
That's why I don't become a lawyer.
I didn't know like a stars and all that.
Like I didn't know you. I would put you on like my level
of smart, like I am relatively smart, but I thought you were
also like kind of a wee, just a wee bit smart but not like very
smart. No, I'm very smart.
Not knowing what at the potential.
You lose it when you stop learning.
Yeah, but I was, I had, yeah. You sorry, can I say, are you
saying you've made a conscious decision to just stop learning?
Stop. Learning getting the car with
your dies like if if I had sex apples you're like shut the fuck
up. Yeah, also why if you're driving
while you in the back? But so he talked me.
Ought to be a lawyer and talked me into being an actor, which is
a brave move for a parent. Why would you talk someone into
under the arts because it's so fucking up in a search.
But he was like, no, you don't want to you don't want to be a
lawyer. You want to be an actor.
You want to be a lawyer because you think it'll be like acting
right. You know what I mean, because I
thought I'd be like lately blonde and it was talked me into
being actors like that's what you should be doing.
That's what you want to do. So then he went and a degree in
drama, which was absolutely fucking pointless.
You did a degree. See, that's one thing where I'm
like, can you actually like teach that?
Like I'd say you do learn some valuable stuff, but.
They say you can teach people how to be an actor in a drama
school in a proper set and Joey like break them down, make them
cry, make them fucking hate their that's what they do in
drama schools. They're I.
Would never have gone back after I cried.
People like Breakdown fucking piss themselves.
I don't they're pissing themselves, but they're like
having an awful time. Like they do make you watch Big
Brother. People go in and they go through
this like journey and they come out the other end like that
seems like a real experience, like they've come out there in a
different person. I think that's what happened in
drama school. What happened when I did a drama
degree, which is completely different.
What did you do? Queens Shite.
It was shite. It was shite.
I remember on the first day we had a tutor called Alison
Campbell, not the Madeline agent Alison Campbell but a different
girl and she literally was like this is not RADA which is like a
well known drama school. By the way, not what you want to
hear on the 1st. Day, first day in a lecture.
And I was like, she was like, most of these aren't going to be
actors or anything, anything. So you can get that out of your
head now. And as well, what the fuck am I
doing here? You're like, I'm going to be the
fucking mayor of Derry. I don't care.
And then Day 2, we had to be sandbags.
Be sandbags. So we had to stand like this in
that fucking theatre, right? Pretending to be a bag of sand
and a wee green of sand was leaving, escaping out of the bag
every second, and you had to become smaller and smaller and
smaller, as slow as possible. I could not take that serious.
I I get kicked out of the course.
It was shite. It was absolute shite.
I remember going how will this make me cry on demand?
Imagine though, if like you didn't take that seriously and
then Netflix were doing like a 600 million Belfast filmed
production called The Sandbag and you didn't get it.
I could have done it. But I did.
But you know, I'd be a great song.
When I was in first year Queens I was in Sketchy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like a non speaking part and
like I was with Kieran Bartlett. I had a speaker part and I wish
I didn't. Reggie and my my acting in it
was particularly bad. What were you doing on it?
I don't remember units. I played someone was trying to
proposition my granny in it or something and it was filmed down
Sea Park down here near like literally half a mile away from
here and I remember there. Do you?
Only do things that's on a half a mile radius from where you
live. A1 mile radius.
Every mile you go outside of that radius, we add 20K to this
day. But I just remember there being
people I vaguely knew being on the beach at during the summer
and feeling so self-conscious. Like if you do that stuff at
drama school, like be a sandbag and all that.
You, I I get that you break down.
Yeah, shame. Or like a feeling of
embarrassment. You're happy to be vulnerable in
front of people then? Right.
I'm not. Yeah, I'm not.
So I just felt really weird but. With the sketchy though I was
like a non speaking part and it was part of dear mid core was I
didn't me and here were on top of a bus at one point and I
think one of us got thrown off the bus but it was like a shit
dummy. Just won the Champions League.
Yes, we were parading around. Oh.
So yeah, so very well done, those sketches.
BBC Northern Ireland schedule. This was what about 11:12?
Years ago. 11-12 years ago and Kieran in that top of the bus
thing. Kieran, he's told the story in
the podcast before, but if anyone missed it, he went in the
audition for it and there was like the list of all the
characters and it was Gentleman Jack.
There was like a female role maybe you played and then it was
Fat Alan and Kieran looked at the producers and said, what
role do you want me to? He was so fucked off.
But yeah, I think he falls off the top of the.
Bus and I think he gets it's either me or him, gets thrown
down the escalator. Then in another sketch, I can't
remember what the idea behind it was, but people were just
getting chucked about the place. But it was a real there was one
dummy for for everybody to dress it up in your clothes.
So the same dummy was me and the same dummy was Kieran.
What's the issue? Like I'm quite, I'm neither of
us are in dragness. So I but yeah, so that was my
first like professional job, right?
And I remember purposely, right, I was filming on a day that I
wasn't even in uni. Like I was like, I was, I was
off that day. So the next day when I went down
to uni, I purposely went in late so that I could be all sorry.
I was just off filming, I think for the BBC.
I'm really sorry about being late.
So I'm gonna so I'm just on a sketch of the BBC.
So I was like, I was like 19 been all sorry.
I know what I said. Big North face coat.
Yeah, my BBC lanyard don't even need fun.
I made it myself. I just made sure to tell
everybody I was on this all so I oh, I know reasons are like
learning how to act. I was just offered
professionally there so. Send the lecture you're like if
you need to take a break or any you want me to.
Jump in, Stephen. I am.
How much at the time do you did you feel like I definitely did
that doing like low budget BBC Northern Ireland sketch show
going out fucking 1035 at a Wednesday night.
That was the pinnacle. You were like, it doesn't get
better than this. No, this is people are going to
see this. It's going to lead to all this
stuff. Like you, that you have such
idea as a grandeur when you're so young and you get your first
job. I remember when I was like
living a dairy before I moved to Belfast as a teenager, thinking
that I you always think you're going to get spotted, don't you?
Like you're going to be like drinking coffee somewhere and
someone's going to go. We need you in Hollyoaks.
Yeah, because like that sort of stuff does happen probably in
like LA and stuff because everyone's an actor, some coffee
shops, you know, the waiter, A producer will speak to the
waiter and be like, do you act like you have a fucking great
way about you? But like, sitting in fucking
narrow and Botanic, no one's coming up to you being like,
listen, Game of Thrones reboot, your new series of Game of
Thrones. You want to be in it.
Someone's got to go and go. There's a sketch you being made
for BBC and I. We need someone to be chocked
off an escalator. You won't have any lines.
Yeah. Are you in uni?
That's as far as it goes. But I remember thinking, oh, I'm
going to move to Battlefast and like, I'll just get spotted
because Belfast was like big bright, like this big thing.
I was like, it was like Hollywood.
I was like, this is like such a big deal.
And then don't. Ever compare Belfast to
Hollywood? Well, not this Hollywood.
The proper one, the one, the other one on the bright of the
hill. The one in LA, Isn't it in LA?
Yeah, yeah. Fuck me.
Yeah. And I was convinced.
What did you in your geography? GCC.
That's the one I got an A star, but only because I can recount
information. I have no idea.
I have no idea where any countries are.
I got a map put on my wall. I got one made out of wood,
right? It's nice.
It's a feature in our living room and it's on the wall of the
world so that I can learn. So, so far I've learned
Australia, Madagascar. What do you mean you've learned
Australia? Where it is on the map, I
literally don't know where anywhere is.
Malaysia is down near there, and the Philippines, they're all
down this corner. Yeah.
And then we're up and I'm and I'm going to work my every week
or so. I'm not going to overwhelm
myself with the countries. But why do you need to learn?
Why do you think you're going to be a situation where just you'll
be walking at home after a gig one night to your car and a guy
will step out of an alleyway and go point to point to the Cayman
Islands right now? Yeah, well, you just don't know
when you might need that information.
Can I ask you your country and you tell me what continent it's
in maybe? Absolutely not.
I'll have I can tell you no, you'll get it wrong.
You can try. Bolivia.
Don't even know where that is. Don't know.
I mean, I don't know what's what the which, what's name some
continents, Asia, Bolivia would be in Europe.
Is that no See, this is this is the thing that fails me.
Is the geography. Yeah.
Do you know what I mean? I don't know where anywhere is.
I don't mind. I can get there.
I stood. You can get there.
I can get to places, but I don't know.
How you could where they are. You know what Bolivia is, but
today you could get there. If we needed to do the podcast
there, you'd be there. I could pick a flight and go
there, but I wouldn't know what fucking continent them in.
Do you know what I mean? Like I.
Yeah. No, I used to get the 212, the
bus from Belfast to Derry all the time because it was a
student living in Belfast. When you got to Belfast, were
you like what content? Where is this?
But then whenever I got a car I saw I don't know how to fucking
drive to Derry. I've travelled that journey
thousands of times and I don't know how to drive to Derry.
But you understand the signs. I'll, I'll read them wrong,
right. Some of them say Londonderry,
some of them say Derry. I don't know where the fuck I'm
going. Yeah, yeah.
So anyway, geography is not my strong point.
So I'm, I'm going to teach myself.
Some countries. You just don't know when you're
going to need. It Yeah.
Like right now, yeah. You need it.
I need it to know where Bolivia was.
Yeah. Yeah.
Do you know where all the countries are, Sean?
Like my husband, Like he knows where they all are.
I think most people they. Do but then kind of like it's
weird to me that user like like memorising this and learning
this, you know? See I as I was, I said it on
like I don't learn things anymore, but it's.
Such a 1700s. Thing to learn.
Thing to be like my husband could put anywhere in the map
just blind. Yeah, it's like a party trick.
You can. Turkmenistan.
Yeah, he does it again. Because like every now and then
I like, I'd be like, I should learn a new skill and every now
and then I'd like get like a keyboard out and like I'm going
to learn a song. Like I teach myself a song on
the keyboard and then I forget it like a week later and I'll
never go back to it. And then a couple months that
are back all there and where some countries are like to
learn. Do you not have any like have
you learned any new skills as an adult?
No. Why I?
Mean why? You know, it's so.
It's definitely like, I don't know, it's harder to learn
things when you're an adult. Oh, it's so much harder.
Like I tried to teach myself the alphabet back to front.
I'll learn a new what? I can't do it but I.
John, do you want to both try and do it really quick?
Just have one bash? I don't even think, don't think.
Right. Ready.
Yeah, ZX. WMTS are.
You done? No, I only knew Z.
Yeah, it's really difficult, but I always thought, do you know
what it must be? I mustn't, I mustn't be that
interesting of a person. And I'd be like, if I could do
that, that'd be impressive. Yeah.
People would like that, Yeah. Do you know what I mean?
I can't say the longest word in the dictionary.
I did establishmentarianism. No much of microscopics look of
mechanical noses. So you're from Derry?
I don't know whether you're just asking me how I am or.
It's a long condition if I'm inhaling too much ash from the
coal mines, yeah. It'd be so inconvenient to have
that they'll always have to say it.
Yeah, you just feel like my lungs are fucked.
Well, you're also going to I've got no more sorry.
You wouldn't fucking get it out. You're.
Dead, you're posthumously telling people.
It's like a, I'm assuming it's like some sort of fucking
prehistoric illness that people wouldn't have that now, Yeah.
Do you what like since you joined the panel of the blame
game? Because we're telling me BC
Northern Ireland shows it's one that's been around like.
It's like 19 seasons. It's done by 15 years.
When you joined that, is that something like people were
saying to your mum and dad? I feel like that's when people
be going up to your mum and dad and be like, oh, why?
Like friends of theirs. I it was actually more get my
hairpiece and the blame game to thank just any yeah, anything
with Tim Guerry attached. Tim, Tim we have an unwritten
rule now. He's not really he's just not
letting work unless I'm there. Yeah, he does a radio show that
I'm not in and I'm not happy about it.
Right. Called the long and the short of
it. I'd be like why I'm in all your
other things like why what's what's your problem?
But with the blame game, like, I think it's great because it's
been good on for so long. And this, the same panel has
been on it for years and years and years.
So I'm like, I feel so fucking privileged.
Yeah. Yeah.
Joined it like it's the only time they've ever changed the
panel, like on a permanent basis.
I hope so. Fuck.
You never know what could happen.
I might not be back again. Who knows?
Yeah. And but I thank my mind because
they've watched that as well. And with Get My Hairpiece, they
watched her grown up there, all biz that I'm Uncle Andy's
daughter. Yeah.
Like that's like, it's funny how you could be cast and loads of
different stuff, but actually something you've watched since
you've grown up a character like like everyone knows your Uncle
Andy is. Yeah, but like I like, so like
to get that is like such a big deal because you're like, I
fucking love that show. Like I used to watch get my
headpiece every Friday at my granny and grandmas house and I,
it was like our thing. So you watch it at the same time
and I'm like crack it up because I it's something on TV and I
know where they're talking about in the jokes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bel there's some places in
Belfast and. I would go there but it's more
than nought .5 miles from my house.
Yeah. Exactly.
No. But from Hollywood you can see
over the lock. So we would look with telescopes
at the troubles and that kind of thing, you know.
They're having an awful time over there.
And and then like years later, I was sending my granny like years
after I wasn't there every Friday night, obviously.
And I was like, remember, we used to every Friday.
We didn't. We love giving my hair was not
the best granny and my granny was like, it's how much my
granny loved me. She was like, I and never, it
was never really my cup of tea. And I was like, you betrayed me.
I was like, Peggy, you watch that every Friday with me.
And she laughed a lot. I'd be like, I'm such a bad guy
for like it's something funny on TV.
I'm like, yeah, what about laugh at all?
Laugh at all? Do you love that?
But yeah, just. She just particularly didn't
enjoy it. But.
But it meant enough to me that she was like.
She watched it for you. But Uncle, like Uncle Andy, is
such a phenomenal character. And then sometimes you see the
guy, I don't even know his name. The guy plays him, You see him
walking about Belfast and you're like, oh, there he is.
He's just like going about his daily business.
And he's like, he works full time with Queen.
He's a lecturer, right? He just computer stuff, okay,
right, right. I just can't like an IT problem
and you like had to go to him. God, my keypad stuck on my mouse
doesn't work and I just imagine being like, you know, some sort
of joke. And like, his voice isn't that
isn't his voice either. Like obviously pits that folks
breaks my heart. But when I know whenever and
he's got full grey hair, he wears a wig now.
So they've had to make a wig now to match what his hair was like
when it started 25 years ago. Like he's not aged.
But whenever I joined as Uncle Andy's daughter, I really wanted
to have the Tash and the hair. I was like, can we dress me?
I was like, I'm like an Uncle Andy, like an andragonist Uncle
Andy. Dan, write it down.
Name of the episode of Dragon is Uncle Andy.
And that's what I wanted. And they were like, no, she's a
goth. And I was like, oh, I would love
to, you know, because my character doesn't know that
she's Uncle Andy's daughter, right?
And I forget sometimes I'd be all day.
I know yet or not. And they're like, no, no, she
doesn't know. I can't remember what happens in
the in the show half the time so I was like oh but I would love
it if she just looked exactly like him but wasn't aware, do
you know what I mean? And was walking around just with
a wee hairdo in the leather jacket and all that.
They didn't. Go for it.
The blame game. I get my hairpiece.
Obviously like the two probably 2 of the biggest BBC Northern
Ireland shows. Do you notice that the more
stuff you're on and the more you're on screen, do you get
more like, Because like, I've definitely had it with doing TV
shows, you get like obviously a bit of stick for being in
anything. Doesn't matter how good or bad
it is. There are people who just don't
like you being on screen who like get personally offended
when you're on a programme. They're like, oh for fuck's
sake. Like, it definitely comes with a
bit of criticism, but did you notice it like more with a
particular show or do you notice a particular thing, people?
We did dry your eyes recently, so it was like a re bit of the
old sketch show Dry your eyes. And we just done one episode of
pilot and it got wrapped to shit online.
Like there was so much hate, like I don't like it, literally
doesn't see anything good about it online.
It was lots of shit and somebody there was just people, like many
people going. I'm fucking sick of her now.
Like, why should I share this as well?
She was a flick. Yeah, I'm too overexposed.
They're like, she needs to fuck off, like and people just
feeling really strongly about that.
I should have less of a career. Yeah, she shouldn't be on.
Me. Yeah.
Go home. Yeah, and even you just get like
people who are just she's, she's not funny.
And you're like, but that's I didn't like that.
Is there like sexist stuff, if you know what I mean?
Is there like? On the blame game, there was a
whole thing on not a whole thing two people were tweeting about.
There was a saga about. A man had tweeted me go and I'm
really disappointed in you. Curse using the F word and like
gratuitously on the blame game. Massive.
No, I mean, was that the word? I think I finally lost it.
I'm like what a Fenian to say that.
What a Fenian thing to say. Yeah he was fucking raging but I
had said fuck about 6 times in a row.
But you know what happened. So I just for balance in a
couple of seconds, say something and I'll just and I'll say the
opposite, right. Oh.
So there's two people tweeting I, this other guy hung I.
Fucking didn't know where to go for.
That, thank God, we have to check that off.
Yes, for balance. So you say you literally said
fuck. What happened is I was trying to
read a quote that I had written down of somebody I saw and your
mom was saying this and I couldn't find the fucking page.
It was the first episode and it's really nervous.
And I was all fuck, what the fuck?
What the fuck did he say? And it comes up on the do you if
you put the subtitles on, it's all fuck, what the fuck on the
on the bottom of the screen and all that's it's all fuck, fuck,
what the fuck? And you know, and this guy was
all I'm really disappointed in you for using like gratuitously
using the F word and stuff that was so unnecessary and very own
ladylike. And then Neil tweeted him going
see, to be honest, we all said fuck and every single panellist
has said fuck on that show. It's not that big a deal.
It's just another word. And he was like, no, it's really
unnecessary. And it really it made me turn
the show off and I no longer find it funny because she used
the word fuck too many times. And then Colin and Tim and
everyone was tweeting them going you're you're literally just
giving her shit because she's a girl.
All of us said fuck within the same 1015 seconds.
Everyone cursed, but he aimed at me.
So there's definitely better sexism.
Do you know what I mean? I've had people come over to
make eggs going. I normally don't find girls
funny, but that was that was all right.
And you're like, that's so fucking ridiculous that you've
decided all girls aren't funny. Yeah, that's mental.
Yeah. That's like, only nobody don't
like food. But that Chinese.
And they think that that's a compliment, you know what I
mean? Or like you're 1.
You've chosen me to laugh at. Thank you.
Literally like I remember being it when I was first starting
being at a gig and an MC who I swear to God I can't remember
who will said I don't think this person do stand up anymore.
Said wasn't she brilliant were so funny for a girl.
I was like, Oh no, I know it was me who had been on, so that's
why I was personally offended. That's just as bad as someone
bringing on say it's going there's a wee boy here, he's
going to come on and do a wee for a couple of wee yarns, a wee
joke, which are you have a fun wee time He's.
Going to do his best and I did the Blame Game radio show once
and you know before unlike think that everyone know like
beforehand. Obviously it's not scripted, but
you go here's a few topical things we might talk about and
you obviously go away. Everyone who watches will
understand that same any topical panel show and I was to do a bit
about Conor McGregor right. So this is years ago and we did
it in one of the QFT spaces and it's my first.
I've never done a panel show. I'm like a bit nervous and but
like, I know everyone on it because it doesn't stand up with
them and it's a particularly like tough crowd.
They're just not into it for whatever reason.
It was like a third fool. So it was just a, it was a bad
night. And I'm like getting ready with
my, I'm like, this is my like bit towards the start of the
show. So Tim's there.
And like, they couldn't create a bet.
Like I've done a couple of panel shows and they couldn't create a
better atmosphere. It's always been like a great
atmosphere of like, we're going to tee you up for this thing.
Yeah, they're brilliant. Right and and they don't talk
over you and that kind of thing. So I'm like getting ready for my
thing. Like bang, I've got like 5 jokes
about Conor McGregor. Here we go.
And Tim is doing a bit and he's like blah blah blah MMA
fighters, you know, Irish fighters and blah blah blah.
And I'm like listening to Tim's bit like this.
And then there's I'm aware. Then there's a silence and Tim's
like, yeah, you know, Conor McGregor's been in the news.
And I'm like, I don't want to talk over Tim.
And another, another 3 seconds goes past and Tim goes, she had
got anything on Conor McGregor? And I'm like, yes, Tim, I do.
Here is my joke. But we made it your goal.
And then and then after that I was like, oh, I'm not nervous
anymore. But like, I, I, well, panel
shows and things like that. Like I found it hard to not like
interrupt because there is a structure of in some way, yeah.
Yeah, so, so basically with the blame game too is like you, you,
you have a you're leading one of the questions who's to blame for
and you do like a four or five minute bit and then people jump
in. But the it's really hard to know
when to jump in because you like, are they done there?
But also you always have to go over to Tim as well and like,
what the fuck are you saying in your entre?
Because I don't want that to be similar to what my bet is.
And then you've done it. And then I start to do my bet
and then it's like, well, you've already done it because that
happens a lot. And also, is it hard like if
you've got a because when you're doing stand up, if you think of
a punch line or a bit, you can just stop what you're saying and
fire that bit, interchange it. But on a show like that, I
imagine if a subject brought up and say, Neil Dellamyers in the
middle of like a great monologue about something and you have a
zinger of a line, do you sit there and be like, right, I've
got this. But then the moment passes,
you're the fuck. That would have been so good.
I'd hate that. All the time and you're all.
Do you remember earlier on when you said about that was not
funny what I've got to say about it.
And you're like and then you're hoping to edit.
It'll be edited together. Four weeks ago, you said.
Whenever we were in learn. But what I find interesting is
that Colin and I always seem to write very similar stuff, right?
Like we come in and he'll be doing a bit and I'll be like,
fuck sake, let's strike it off my page and.
Is there like a higher like hierarchy experience type thing
where it's like is there an element of like like last in the
doors or like? You know, I know what you mean.
It's just it's, it's they're very good for like there's
always a shit question because they do 4 questions.
There's always one that nobody wants to do because it's like
whatever drags are left of the news stories of the week.
And they've been very kind to not let make me do it more than,
you know, I've done like once or twice.
But Neil and Colin could fucking make anything funny.
Do you know what I mean? They really could.
Neil can. Neil knows more about northern
politics than most people in the North, you know what I mean?
So he can, he can, he can fire away and talk about anything.
They've been very good to let me do my but first.
I think at times because of being I'm new and I'm usually
sitting there shitting myself. Yeah.
Do you prefer, I probably like you did the podcast when when it
was like in Zoom times, remember the Zoom era of humanity.
And then I don't know if I asked you them, but like what do you
prefer? Do you prefer live performing or
you prefer acting? I think probably live
performing. No, it's changed.
I think the direction I'm going and has changed over the past
year. I was always adamant that I
wanted to be like AI wanted to do like dramas.
I was like, I wanna be in fucking like, you know, big
dramas. And now I'm like, I'm happy to
just do comedy night. Like not just you come, I'm
happy to move in that direction. You can't beat live performing.
You really can't. Like unless it goes shit then
you really can. What like have you been heckled
much? I feel like heckling was way
more of a thing before you started stand up.
I think heckling becoming like let rowdiness in general is
becoming like a bit like. People have a bit more
respectful, yeah. I don't think I would do well
with people heckling me. You don't.
I think I'd be shit. But I, we, me and Kieran
Bartlett did a gig for Dave and pugs like IS pre pandemic as
well. And Dave wasn't there.
Kieran was and was was it me and Tom Mahoney?
Yeah. And Dave was like, I'm all sold
out. I'm not there the night, but
it's it's sold out. And I was like, oh, happy days.
And we went done and it wasn't sold out.
There was about 15 to 20 people there. 6000.
It holds 6000 but they had hired it out.
They were the fucking PSNI and that's why it was sold out and
that's why Dave pied him fucking turn up and.
They, like Dave, cannot be around cops.
I don't want to go into too much detail but they would have seen
it in his eyes, you know what I mean?
He was probably taking his hard drive to NIT store.
But they ignored us the whole time they sat and had done her
and turned her back away and Kieran Bartlett was such an
angry man on stage. It's not like Kieran.
Kieran's normally a jolly Funga. He threatened to meet.
Kieran Mcgavry that night, man. He was like I will RIP open your
souls like he was so annoyed at all them.
He was like but uses would try and cover up and away your
fucking pegs like the. Other night he told someone he
was going to tarmac their mass back.
What a threat. Oh well.
Angry man. Yeah, there's definitely a big
difference between corporate type stuff.
Although some corpse can be really good.
Like honestly, at International Women's Day gigs.
That was good fun, my first gig in London next week.
Oh yeah. For I've never gigged in
England, you're. Going to play it different.
I don't think, no, I don't think so.
I think I maybe have to just change some words.
Yeah. I don't know what a dude does.
I don't think dude travels. I think I'll have to just find a
new word for dude because I do tend to say dude quite a bit.
Dude, sounds like I guarantee you there's a tech startup
company in London called. Dude, yeah. dude.com.
Yeah. So I I'm in.
Like definitely when you watch a YouTube video, there's like an
ad that comes up at the start. Weird dude.
You know for sure they're dude. What do they do Dot?
Co.uk what did what did do do sell remotes?
Like all in one. Because oh, do do do universal
remotes. That turns into a vibrator.
Is that not genius? I think they do.
Hygienic like. I think do sell remotes for your
vape. Yeah, you don't even have to
press. That's so stupid.
Yeah. So you're going to hold.
Her. I don't think they're going to
last as a company, but that's what they do.
They'll fold and they'll reopen as did it.
Who's their celebrity ambassador, Kerry Katona.
No, Peter. Andre.
What do you call her Kenga from Big Brother?
It's of the wine bottle, Bridit. Yeah, remember Kenga?
Do you know? What?
I was going to say hello whenever you're doing the
manscaping thing. There was a girl on Big Brother
1 time who used to tweeze her armpits.
That's how she shouldn't shave. She she tweeze every individual
hair out of her armpit. That must be someone who like is
in the like pain. That's weird.
Or just doesn't want to mess a hair.
Yeah. Also, I'm sure your growth would
be you know it would last longer if he tweezed it I but imagine.
But if you do that stuff more growth back more and it comes
back double. I heard people say that don't be
shaving in between your eyebrows because it grows back way more.
I I get a monobrow. Do you know that a lot of people
won't know a lot about me? It's bad at the minute.
This the worst it's ever been in a long time.
Don't look too closely at it. I pluck.
It you should wax it. Here's why I wouldn't.
I wouldn't like to be Midwax with the strip over it and then
like a fire alarm goes off or something.
I've got to be outside. Yeah, but then you could do
that. It's like a plaster.
But what if I forget? Then I'm like running about
being like, where's the fire? And they're like, why do you
have a strip like the whole way up and.
You just live the rest of your life with.
Just what if I wax it and then I do one over too much side and
then I'm like oh let me even write the others and then all of
a sudden I have no eyebrows. You'll you'll, I think you know
right where your face is. And I think you're aware that
here are the eyebrows and this is the part that should go.
You'll be fine. Yeah.
Practise. When I get my own kit, the.
Plaster. Should I get my own waxing kit?
I mean it's are you hire you with pain.
Oh, not good. And will I maybe don't wax
because it is sore? Although what have I had?
Have I had some waxed? You're bound to have had us.
Are we waxing well? You know, did not manscape and
stuff. Yeah, that's.
All. People go to Turkish barbers,
get like they they'll wax you like without.
Your permission. What?
Do men wax their dudes? I think you might there might be
a problem with the question there.
Do men wax their dudes? Well, they're they're like the
area in front of their deck. The area in front of the deck.
Where their pubes live. Do they wax it?
Some guys will, absolutely. Some guys will, yeah.
But I think. It's not common practise.
No, no. To have a shaved mandate or a
wax. Mandate.
Is he not one of the adventures? He sounds like the man has
started up the company. Some of the Indian man called
Mandate. Uncle Andy does his IT support.
I'm leaving Queens. Where are you away to?
Mandate. It's a fucking great name.
Man, dude is a great name. Yeah, you, you were out last
night. I was.
And I don't mean to sound like accusing, but I know you're
right because someone you, you put up an Instagram story.
But in the podcast today, I could, I could tell.
I could. I was like, she's out.
I could just tell. Because the tweeted said I.
Was out, Yeah. Tweeted saying you were what?
Gave it away. Was it the glass of wine in the
bar? I was in the.
Ice, right? And then someone, some random
person Instagram me and went I think the owner is in the
courthouse bar in Lurgan. Is that where you are?
Yeah, there we go. I've got a little bar that's.
Fucking weird about that. What?
Nobody else was on that bar except for the staff and.
You were out. Do you have a problem?
There was no one else drinking in the Barber.
The person I was with, me and my friend Susanna, who, you know,
we went without drinking in that bar.
But here, it was so weird because anytime she would leave
to go to the toilet, there was no staff on.
Like, there was a guy working there, but he would, like, head
on in between rounds. We were the only people drinking
in that bar, Right. So when she left to go to the
toilet, it would be just me in the building.
Get you. There's nobody behind the bar,
nobody else drinking. And I would just be sat there
going. I'm probably about to get
murdered. Yeah.
This is the start of something. Yeah, but it was great.
What's the nightlife like in Logan be?
Quiet Thursday night does not happen on a Thursday night,
don't I? I, I came out and there was
nobody and that's also a live music on the night and they
would like to take a look around mate, no one's here do.
You know what I would have done in that situation?
Or can I connect my phone up to something we plug in?
And then you could have been in a bar with your own music plan.
I had to put my own podcast. That's just like, that's like
your house you may just be in. Your house.
You can do that You. Can do that in your house too,
can't you? Forgot?
Yeah, just Alexa play whatever it is.
The courthouse bar in Logan, Your husband put me for a gig
there year, like we're talking 12 years ago, and it was good.
Like then it was not going well. Like nobody was having a good
set. I went up and I was like, I'm
going to try and like get them and nobody was listened.
That's a problem. It wasn't that they weren't
enjoying it. They just worked a bit like
you're saying about that private gig and pokes.
They're just talking amongst themselves.
No one's listening. Plus, it's not a function room,
it's the main bar. So people are like, why came out
for a pint? Roommate?
I'm not fucking listen to you. So I go up, I'm like probably
like 19 or 20. I'm like, I'm gonna get them.
And I go up on stage. I go up and someone's like, is
there a Zumba class starting? What's his home do?
But I go up, get the microphone and I'm like, I'm doing the
jokes. And after about one or two
minutes, I notice everyone's a bit quieter and they're looking
at me. And I was like, well, fucking.
They're not laughing, but I've got their attention.
Everyone's all these men, like, literally set their pints down.
They're, like nudging each other, like, pointing at me.
And I was like, fuck, I'm like, I'm getting through to them.
They're listening. I've turned the crowd around.
Yeah, what happened was the bar man had put on Match of the Day
on the big screen behind me, but muted it.
So everyone's just watching the highlights like, you know, Man
United, Aston Villa, like looking up with that being like,
I was some shot. No.
And I think they're like, fuck, they love this.
They love what I'm doing, everything.
And then I just turned around and sort of watching.
Come here, that would be a great quote for like your poster for a
gig. Be like, they weren't laughing,
but I got their attention. They were looking, they were
watching. Yeah, when I took out my mom.
They were looking in my direction for the for the
duration. What else do you think you're
not going to be able to say in London?
And Brett's out. Yeah, yeah.
Unless they think it's part of the Free Britney movement.
Which case? Yeah, sister.
Get Brett out. Yeah, I think I'll have to hold
back on that. People always like other stand
up crowd your head with stuff. If you're like I'm going to
London any types to be like don't speak in your own accent.
Slow down and do like wear red jumper.
They'll be like, there's too much information.
Yeah, just too specific information.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you definitely like.
I don't do what I'm going to have to go through my set and
just because and and go what? And that is too localised
Germany. I probably can't talk about
Frank Mitchell. Not that I do.
I don't talk. About him, Well, they know Frank
don't know Frank. How else do they get their
weather information? Exactly, I am did a gig away and
I was like gigs in America. I was like, I'm not going to
change, like my voice, like I'm not going to slow down.
I'm just going to do because I've I've been doing it like
this for so long. I don't want to do different and
did this gig in New York and it was lovely.
It was really good. And after this woman came up,
like older sort of woman came up and she went she was like, she's
American. She was like, I just want to say
I love that. That was so good.
And I said, Oh, thanks very much.
And she went a bit like the call, you know, getting a
compliment. Like I didn't think herds could
be funny. She came up to me and said she
goes him. I was very good.
I loved that. She goes.
I didn't. I'll be honest, me and my
friend, we didn't understand really anything that you were
saying. But she said, but I understood
it. It would be funny.
I was like, well. That's lovely.
Fuck you. And she was like, and you too.
She's like, yeah, you have a good night too.
I didn't say that. I don't think you can like slow
down. I couldn't slow down when I'm
talking. I'm probably going to have to
slow down a wee bit in London because they definitely.
Won't you? You do speak very.
Fast. Do you know what Jamie Lee
O'Donnell and I recently were shooting the thing for Channel 4
and Derry and we just had a sit and chat and holy shit, when 2
Derry people are in the same room together you go 90 fucking
miles an hour. And the director was from Dublin
and I was having a step and go here.
There's fucking nobody knows what usings are saying.
Yeah, I mean her both were like we have intentionally slowed
down and they were like no user like and even like if I come off
the phone, I called one day Sean, and if I'm talking really
fast, I'd like to be on the phone, dear man, because you
just start getting far faster. But you can get way more
information and it's like I listen to voice notes now on 2
speed. Do you Can you take?
This one from Derry. Oh yeah, it will change your
life, you get. Here's the thing, I hate voice
notes. See, I love for them.
Really. For my podcasts.
Right, I hate it, but now you double speed right all the
information and save twice a time.
I sent you a voice note the other day.
And I tried to listen to it in 2 speed and it was just.
She did. I don't know about a voice note
now. See.
I hate a phone call. Well, that's that's why it's a
compromise from a phone call, because I like my brother's one
of people that you text and he phoned you and you're like, how
dare. You you've established you only
want to text. This is the form of
communication. Don't fucking ring me you creep.
Was your brother 73? No, I'll just give you a ring.
No, we've established he's only two years older.
Yeah, he'll phone. He'll phone and also what he
does is he phones sometimes just to say hi and you're like what
the fuck is this? So weird.
He likes people that much that you want to just.
Say checking in. Just checking in is the man with
a very busy job and three children and a dog and he'll
ring me and be all hi are you? And I'll be like, how do you
have time to give a shit? Yeah, like I hate that.
Just don't ring me just to see how I like.
I like the sentiment but like make something up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, accuse me of
something. Yeah.
Did you knock down my dog? Like just start I I but.
What was that you were filming? A dairy?
Are you allowed to say? It's a documentary about dairy.
Oh nice. To coincide with the release of
the next series of Dairy Girls class, but I'm not on anything
but. Another my audition thing.
Did you? Because I heard you saying you
auditioned before, but did you actually audition?
Do you do many auditions? Yes.
Do you and? I don't get any of them.
What's the? Addition for a sci-fi thing
called Krypton 98 times. Do you mean like, is that not I?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Superman thing, yeah.
Yeah, why would they not have just said you're not for us?
I kept going in and bringing. In for male parts or female
parts both. I would learn, I would learn 10
pages of line. So I'm like in my head all day.
I'm like, someone's like, how are you?
I'm like, I can't speak. I was like, I have to go to the
faraway planet of Chiba Chaba, you know, all that shit.
That's probably why I didn't get it was in the voice, but I kept
going in. They were like, they love you.
They just, it's going to be the right part, Don't worry, we're
going to find it. It was never found.
And then they cancelled the series.
I was like, I'd fund the new series of this to be made just
to, yeah, spite them, to get me into the.
Exact same. I got maybe Krypton.
I kept going to stone casting that kept going back out and
kept going back in. And they were actually bringing
me in for men parts too, right, Soldiers that were meant to be
men. And then they were like you
tall, like come on in. And I was like, this is meant to
be a guy. And they were like, we're going
to just chance their arms. I was like, no wonder not
getting these fucking parts. Yeah, Mandate.
Yeah. That's one of the planets in
crypto. But I remember auditioning for
Doctors to the TV show Doctors, but I had to learn the whole
episode. No it.
Was like 28 pages of script and I was like this I'm so.
Bad at learning? Ridiculous.
Like yeah. And I was like, surely you can
tell 3 or 4 pages then if you're going to have me, like if you
want me or not. How do you fly over and do the
whole episode? Now I hear that where off book.
Off book. Well, that's the thing.
The first time I auditioned for Derry girls, I've told this
story. They said we want you off book
and I'd never auditioned for anything in my life.
And I went, oh, happy days off book.
I can read off the book. So I show up and they're like,
OK, here we go. And I'm like, Yep, they'll omit
and and then do it like this and they correspond.
They were like the fucking soundest people in the world.
They were like we have a busy day, but go away and learn this
and we can fit in somewhere later on and come back, which
they absolutely didn't have to do went away like learned it,
but like I don't have the tech. I'm sure there's a technique for
learning. Everyone has a different
technique. I figure mind.
So I struggled to learn lines and so I but I additionally for
the recent series of Derry girls and like I I don't know, I don't
know whether it's I don't know if I can get comfortable just
doing a bit 2 camera with no audience there.
I think I'm still working that out, but I thought the addition
was I thought it was OK. I thought Derry accent which I
thought was decent. What is your dairy accent like?
I was like, it's. Hard to do.
I was like, oh, what's the crack with you?
I'm from Darii. Via Monaghan.
No, I I'm not going to do it. Obviously that's that's an
embarrassment that I couldn't do it.
In front of you, some auditions are so wanky, and they're
usually for theatre ones that are so wanky.
Like I remember doing an audition on time, right?
And the director, so dad, the audition and then the director
was like just, she was like, so let's do it again.
At this time, after every sentence, you're going to have a
new, a different childhood memory pop into your head and
you're going to be able to smell it.
And that was the direction. And I let you, it was all, hello
mum. I'm walking down the the road
and I can't wait. I just go through all that and I
said what is this achievement? And I was like, I'd rather be a
bag of sand. Today than do this.
Like it was fucking wanky. And I auditioned the same
director another time and she made me redo it.
And this time you really fancy him.
And it was like the guy that's like we camp man who was like
the theatre. My audition.
Yeah, this weekend, man who like, he's like the theatre
programmer and she's like, you really fancy him.
I like. But the monologue that the bit
that I'm doing is about she wants to go on a date, she can't
stop eating burgers, whatever. And she's like, yeah, yeah, but
dude, sexy. And I was like, I have not got
the capacity to do that. And I was like on the table
claim all of this. We gay man all was want to stop
eating burgers and I was like it was the worst and I was like
what the fuck is this and I genuinely after I'm going I
think they were just bored that. Day, yeah.
And we're like, yeah. Let's just make her like, dance,
monkey fucking dance, yeah. And some of them are so wanky.
Yeah, I enjoy I I enjoyed that the Derricker's edition would
want to actually enjoy doing. And I was like, I think even
though I didn't get it, I was like, I think this is a good
audition to. But I I also asked Jimmy Lee,
which was here in the podcast. I was like, listen, I was like,
I, I, I did this audition and I think it went quite well, but it
was a couple of weeks ago and I haven't heard anything.
But like, have you heard anything?
Like, could you find out? And she's like, I don't think
you've got it. And I was like, oh shit, what
makes you think that? Just the vibe you're getting.
She's like, we filmed that scene.
A different actor has done that scene.
Yeah, I used to find out I didn't get parts as well when
things were on TV. Yeah.
But there they are. There you are.
And like, I have a sick fascination with finding out who
got the parts I didn't get. I need to get on.
I'm on Google like I'll for something like 2 years ago in a
pop in my head and I'll be over that fucking audition.
Then I go lock it up and find if you got it.
And then I'd be like, that's all right.
They're very different to me. That's why I didn't get it,
because I don't look. The parts I don't get Tilda
Swinton mainly get some. Yes, that's perfect, but then
that means because she's very likely that you just weren't
good enough. Yeah, well, not as good as Tilda
Swinton. Do you have any ambition to do
dramatic acting? Yeah, but then I'm like, yes, I
would like to, I think I could be good at it, but I would need
to like kind of be taught or get experience in it.
But not that long ago I I got the chance to addition or
something like massive like it would have been unreal.
Can't say what it is. Mike, do you remember what it?
Was Tom and Jerry. Dungeons and Dragons.
Oh, Dungeons and Dragons. Right, so the the part is I'm
talking myself out of anything else in the future, right.
The part is, you know, I'm playing like a soldier type
fantasy. I don't know what dungeon
Dragons is. I'm playing like a fantasy
fucking sci-fi boy guy. And all I had to do is like say
a line like something like getaway from the bridge for
toxic and then I have to swing a hammer and break a rock, right.
But I think like my acting and stuff we do like sketches or
anything, I can keep it like quite natural, like quite low
key. But when it comes to like a
grand thing, like a big production, I take my like
because I think I'm like, I try and take my intensity up, but I
should just do what I normally do.
So the line is something like get off the bridge and then
there's a I'm supposed to swing an axe and break a rock.
But I try and be like, I don't know.
That's why I like I look at the camera.
He's felt we did it in here and I'm like, get off the bridge.
I'm like, leave it up here and really try and flex my triceps.
Like I'm always like, I always look like it's raining.
And I was I've just done my hair.
I'm like, and then I swing the axe and I'm like, I'm always out
of breath too when I do it. Like even in the Derrick Gardens
edition, I was probably like, ah, what's a crack?
Hey. But then that's interesting
because it's like he's just been on a run or he's just been
cycling like you've you've, you've created a back story.
With Yeah. And I so he didn't get that
part, no. No.
Well, I don't know. Fingers crossed the film's
finished, but you never know. Well.
No, I don't. Think you do know?
Was it just for one line? Yeah.
Fair play to you for doing. That but then I here's how I've
right here's how I've rationalised all this stuff,
right? Just to make myself feel good
about not getting anything I auditioned for.
I've got two things I've ever auditioned for it.
I want him Dave made. So that's probably because he's
my best mate to give me. But I think part of it is here.
This isn't what it is. But I tell myself this, they
this is so embarrassing. I think the casting agents look
at me in the thing and go, people just know him like his
Mike McGoldrick and all. You know, they can't.
We can't put him in Dungeons and Dragons, the major worldwide
motion picture. Because in Bolivia, they'll
know. In the cinemas in Pakistan,
they're going to look at him and go flip Sagars.
Keith Cruz. Also, the fact that you called
him a casting agent is probably why they're not booking you.
Casting director. Yeah, they hate being called
casting agents shit. Because I always show up and say
hello casting agent, hello, hello casting agent, hello
casting. Agent Well, I went to a casting
director before did the audition and was leaving the room.
So sometimes you go on and the casting director isn't there and
it's their assistant and all this is pretty fucking self
tabier. And they would like the
assistant would film it for you and the cast would be in the
room, but they'd watch the video afterwards.
So I assume this was the casting directors assistant.
And as I was leaving as well. Thanks very much for that there.
What's your name again? And then she said her name and
as well, yeah, you're the fucking you're you're the big
dog. You own this shit.
And as I leave going well, I'm not going to fucking get that
part, am I? And it doesn't, yeah.
Yeah, I just have an intensity for additions that I don't need.
And also at this, if anyone does know like at the start of
edition you give your name, who you're represented by and a lot
of times you're height. But I always in not try and like
almost like perform a bit instead of just saying it.
I'm like making a oh, can I just say I did one recently and I
probably didn't get it for my acting, but also I didn't get it
because I did this shittest like unnecessary Dodd banter of all
time. It was a comedy role.
I get ready for this right? I gave I was like she and Todd
WME and again, like I'm doing it enough.
I should just be like she and Todd representative of WME.
I'm like she and Todd WME and I gave my height and I said 511,
but 6 foot with a quiff. Oh, that's so bad.
Did you? Yeah, because I was like,
they'll find that fucking hilarious. 511 Six foot with a
quiff. No, I think that's good.
So it's just to show you a bit of personality, but I am I would
can you, can you cry on demand? Let's try give me a scenario.
And you're fucking shit comedy. Give me.
Yeah, but yeah, no. Give me a scenario.
Oh. You're at a gig and you're shit
a company and so base. Oh, think about your child.
Something awful has happened. He becomes a stand up comedian.
And then I'm worried he's going to start getting, taking,
taking. Your games for me and you've
established that he's massive already, so he's probably near
Gagan age. OK, I've got it.
No, you can't cry on demand with you.
Your face looks upset though, but you more not going to keep
just on a massive shit and you're exhausted from it.
That's more that you could play someone who has bad eyesight.
You know, you're just like, do you know what?
I've always wanted to play a character.
With somebody who talks like they're always about to yawn.
Right, and I've and I've tried to do.
That's a fucking great skill. Yeah, I don't even think.
No, I can't do that. She's always, it's like she's
always gonna just on the break of yawning, you talk for an hour
and a half, movie, you talk. I got the whole way through.
I've tried to do it and some auditions like for coming.
Thanks, mobile here. What do you guys she would she
have a voice like this? What fuck I'm waiting for them
to go. We need a guy who can do a voice
inside his mouth and I'll be like.
Oh my. God, yeah, Maybe I should have
done that. Like pretend I'm a wee alien guy
who has another wee alien guy in his mouth.
Yes. That would be amazing.
I don't know. What have you got there?
What have you got coming up? What's?
Happening. I'm filming for a thing called
Nova Jones that Dave's actually in as well.
Yeah. And for BBC exclusive.
I don't even know if I'm not to say that, but it doesn't matter.
I'm playing a horse. I have a full horse.
Theatre Edition Did you have to go?
Yep, Yep, I did, actually. Actually, I'm a human horse,
right? So I'm a stylist called Clothes
Horse. Fuck.
I don't think I'm supposed to say any of this anyway, and.
Whistle whistle deadline Get a hold of this.
I'm fucked. And then I've also got my show
Bridesmaids that's on sale at the minute and the Opera House
that's later in the year though. But if anyone's listening and
it's on regional tour at your local theatre.
So Bridesmaids. And then that's Nova Jones
thing. But I have never had to put
prosthetics on before, so I'm going to have a full You'll not
know it's me, which is sort of shit for my ego.
Right. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Well, I did.
Isn't that that CBBC? Yeah, I did it.
You know, you know, about my CBI did a thing called Danny's
Castle years ago and I had to wear white makeup.
I was a goth essentially in it, but it was just when I was like
figuring out out a Crohn's disease, so I didn't know.
So I was like I lost like 3 stone and I did this role and it
was like like a grand for four days filament.
So I genuinely my rationale was like, I'll go to A&E on the last
day, the last day of filming. I literally like I knew there
was. Some real time.
Yeah, but it suited the cat. People were looking at me being
like, how the fuck is he sunk his cheekbones on demand?
I was like, no, I'm actually dying, but the last day of film.
Was a switch this week. The last day of film was the
Thursday and I went straight from set.
Like there was an after party. I was like, where are you going?
I was like, I'm going to the A&E, the Ulster instead and I
just want to. Shit in hell I broke my toe on
stage in the 1st 10 minutes of a play and did did the two hour
play and then had to do it for like 6 more weeks every night
with a broken toe. Can't you can do fuck off for
broken toe like so? I was inside a sleeping bag
standing up and shuffling comedically across the stage
inside this and then I fell over and had to make it part of the
thing. I was all I was meant to fall
there, drag myself under. The way it probably didn't sound
like you were meant to fall when you said I was meant to fall.
There, but I so it's the worst. Final question, what would your
dream thing to be in? Either something that exists or
like a thing you would like to create.
Well, my favourite show was The American Office.
Fucking absolutely. Do you like it?
No, Why? It's my favourite show.
I've watched the whole series. I've watched all nine seasons 11
times. I don't think they're looking
for my opinion on it, but too many characters.
Too many characters. And also, I couldn't get over
the fact the first episode is a exact remake because it was a
pilot. It's exact remake of the first
episode of the UK office, which is one of my favourites of all
time. And I couldn't then I couldn't
judge the American office. Yeah, without bias of seeing
that because I just, I was like, oh fuck is I don't like this.
And I was then watching a couple episodes of it, but in the back
of my brain, the back lobe was like, you've you don't like
this? And then my front lobe was like,
give it a chance. And my back lobe goes, no, he
doesn't. The master doesn't like this.
And my front lobe's like please. And my back.
Lobe's like, yeah, he. Doesn't like.
It that's so weird, weird and I love it.
I think it's amazing, but you have to give it a go because it
comes under its own after like tooth and I hate that because.
After two seasons, well, how much time do you think I have in
my hands? Well, shit's Creek.
I don't. I hated shit's Creek.
I liked it. I didn't.
Not enough to watch more than six.
Epis, I watched all fucking six seasons of it going.
It's going to come through. That's weird to me.
I know. Here's the thing.
I love Ricky Jubais. I love Afterlife.
I haven't finished the last episode.
I'm halfway through it. Why something else like came up
and I just. What's happening there is you're
afraid to say goodbye because you know it's the last 10.
My God, maybe it is. Do you want to see me crying,
man? You're afraid to say goodbye to
that show. That's a show you cannot watch
with the dry eye. I know you will cry.
Watch that show. I can.
I would love you can. Yeah, because you're dead.
And I would love to be in the American office.
And if I was to, I'd love to write and star me own fucking
Netflix show. Of course you would.
Or, you know, I mean, everybody would.
What about you? I also wanted to be the first
female here to do the SSE in five years.
Whatever it wasn't. Sure, fucking there's John
McNally now doing it. Fair.
Yeah, she's from down South. Let's bring politics into it.
But then it's getting the it's getting narrower then and back
over the first female from the north over 30 like it's going to
get well you. Could be you'd be the first
Northern Irish female. Could you be the first?
You could be the first British comedian to Yeah, you could say
that and that you sell it like that.
You go back to Derry and go, I'm going to be the first.
British. Woman to do this.
I love it. Let's go.
No, no, you. If you did it, you would.
You would. That would be your.
You would. That's a valid claim.
But it's just more specific than the first girl that would have
been better. I'm the first young male
comedian from here with great hair to do it.
Right, I suppose the other ones are bald are.
Yeah, I'm the first follically blessed guy to do it.
Yeah, they're all bald. That's mad.
Yeah, everyone is. It's like maybe you'll get.
Well, they told me I had to do it.
To do the SSE, you had to SSE, he said.
You got to, you got to beck the head.
Manscape your man did and shave your head.
Exactly. Yeah, I want to be in curb
enthusiasm. Pardon curb enthusiasm.
Oh, you want to be? You want.
To be in that. Yeah, yeah, Good show I.
Think I would be good in. That would you ever want to do a
show like, like, do you like pranks?
Because I always think that's every time there's a fucking
round to BBC. Thank you.
Like, oh, like we should Patrick a prank.
Look at the street being funny. Yeah.
Here's the thing about hidden camera shows.
I love them and I love watching Practical Jokers and things like
that. You couldn't do it locally
because you would get your fuck knocked in.
You go up to some guy. All right, mate, there's a snake
in your back. I'm putting a snake in your
back. I was like, are you dickhead?
Yeah. Kills you in the first episode.
And it plus everyone, but like you're sure you're you're Keith
Chris. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are you doing? Yeah, exactly.
Oh no, I just work in this bakery.
And Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like with Impractical
Jokers knowing you're like, no, everyone knows.
Like they they're like, he's not pretending to be a fucking a
waiter serving you do what? I mean, like, we know who he is
now, why he's up. Yeah.
But yeah, I like stuff like that, but I don't know if it
don't want to do I find prank? I don't know what it is with the
age I find prank shows harder to what I don't like seeing people
not cringy but like oh. You feel bad on the victim.
Yeah, like you've been framed with some mad shit but made
people think aliens had landed in their garden or a guy's van
had gone off a Cliff. And at the time I was hilarious.
I was like, yes, Beetle, you fucking one handed bandit.
But now I'm Do you know? What's happened to you?
You've become a parent. Yeah.
And it's made you soft. That's what happens.
Yeah. Because now you even like.
I'm soft until I have a hammer and people need to get across
the bridge. I couldn't even lift the
invisible hammer. Yeah, bridesmaid, we'll put you
said you send me a link for that.
I'll send it to Dan. We'll put it in the description
on YouTube. Brilliant.
That's great. It shows the Opera House and
about 15 other shows around and then a well counted.
No, I can't. Just say it this one come out
for a couple of weeks you probably.
Can. No, I can't.
That's for next year. Is it a show without you?
A different show. And Bridesmaids is being
rewritten for an English audience and Turn England next
year. Is that what it is?
Is that what you couldn't? Say, but it's not.
I shouldn't say that. I've said it, said it well
anyway. Over in England.
Yeah, but is there English people watching us?
Oh why we get them from all over from all.
They'll be a fella literally watching this in Timbuktu.
I'm not joking. I'll find out what that is on my
math when I go home. Yeah, You, you think that's down
South? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's an awfully, isn't it? Thank you very much for coming
on. Thanks for having me.
Appreciate it. The way you put your shoe for it
as have you had a brand collab with some shoe manufacturers?
Also, just let me point out. Whilst I'm here.
Adidas. Yeah.
Thank you very much, Jonah, for coming on.
Appreciate it. Thanks.
For me. Thanks for the tea.
You're welcome.