I'm Michael Che. And I'm Colin Joseph, and we've
got a little secret. Actually, it's a pretty big
secret. Well, now you got to give the
people something. I'm not saying a word.
Oh, then people will know to tune in.
Come on, tell them a little. Like how we're hosting of comedy
events streaming only on Peacock?
Exactly. How it's called New York After
Dark and it's a comedy show that only features drop in comic.
Boom, you nail into. Michael Chase phone numbers.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey. New York After Dark.
It's some kind of comedy thing, and it's streaming now only on
Peacock. You love it.
What's what's crack here? Patreon, Patreon and manscape?
Not so. Just manscape.com to me for 20%
off free shipping, new year deal, that kind of thing.
Patreon keeps saying we're doing 1 episode from in 2020 we're
just or 2021. We're just doing 1 episode a
week and then you'll get the bonus one will now go on the
Patreon and we'll be doing different.
We series on Patreon, Patreon, the column size TV me podcast.
We'll put the link up link all those in the bio as normal and
then do you hear that some play mute?
What's that song? What is that music?
Good morning. Dave, what the hell are you
doing here? I'm not Dave, I'm the ghost of
everything that's happened and everything that's going to be
and stuff and all. Why are you here?
Because of all the drama that's happened in 2020, you decide
then the Boy Town podcast was the worst of all.
Dave, we decided the end of together.
I told you I'm not Dave. I'm the ghost of everything
that's happened and all that's going to be and stuff and all
like that. Why do you look exactly like
Dave? I'm not Dave, I just take the
form of the person you fantasise about the most.
What do you want? I'm here to tell you the end of
the Boy Town podcast was the biggest mistake of your life,
well apart from Battle of the Bone and I'm here to get the
band back together for a one off Boy Town Christmas special.
No, no, we ain't there for the right reason.
No, it's not happening. Look, I bet I can show you
something that can change your mind, you weird looking old
young guy with big ears. All right, fine.
We're walking in the air. It's a wrong story of twat.
Fuck's sake. Well.
Close your eyes. Try to remember.
It's not, is it? It is.
Pipe works. Yes, all you have to do is save
2020 is record one boy time podcast well.
When you put it like that, good morning.
Ladies and gentlemen, finally, it's fucking happening.
I did it. I did it.
I got the band back together. People call me Van Halen.
Did he? Did he get his his band Call Me
Elliot. This is the podcast, Boy Town is
back. Happy Christmas.
It's back at Christmas. It's back at New Year.
It'll never die. It's forever.
This is what there's a one off. I just I specified that if we
were doing this, it was a one off.
You're a liar. You said to me.
You said you didn't call me Davey, which you normally do.
You call me baby. You said baby, we're back.
You kiss me on the lips and then you ran away.
How do we have a Christmas drink?
Yes, but but it doesn't. Matter, can you point out I did
in case you're on the left because we can't do that.
The minute what we did do we got a plastic funnel from about 15
feet away and I just spot into. That and it tasted good.
It tasted of good. Memories.
It tasted of joy. It tasted of Christmas.
Yeah. You drink an eggnog by any
chance? Well.
You could. But it's good.
And look, listen, what have a lot of people been saying about
2020? They've been saying it's been a
per year. Yeah.
They've said 2020 has been a little bit of a Boo Boo, will
say. They said.
I've heard a lot of people saying the worst thing about it.
Yeah. Was the fact that Boy Town
stopped. Like a lot of people have said.
I know have friends who have lost loved ones and they said
they were more upset that Boy Town stopped than they were.
I thought you were going to say they've lost loved ones due to
the end of the Boy Town podcast. Possibly.
Now we're back. It's a Christmas.
It's a Christmas miracle. That's what we're calling it.
There was no fanfare to this. There was no build up because we
could have done CNN. Good morning, America, good
morning, Britain, good morning. Yeah, Nigeria.
We could. We could have done all those,
yeah. Very big over there, Yeah,
Albeit I do look like a former leader of ISIS and that's maybe
why. But I'm big out there.
But you know what? Look like a former leader of
ISIS who's living in a cave but has access to shops?
Yeah. I mean, that's and I'm a hype
beast. That's what I have.
I'm a Middle East hype beast. I mean get the merch.
Do you think, do you think that people genuinely thought that
we'd fallen out here? Creek Can you I'm.
Trying to Creek more I'm realising.
Calling you Dawson because you just keep Creek.
I'm wearing very tight jeans and I realise that my Dick might put
people off their dinner. They might be like, listen, I'm
about to have a mouthful of Turkey, but one of my full of
beef, so I need to make sure that the jock is.
I think cocktail sausage is more appropriate.
Listen. But hey, what would you rather
have, one big sausage or a load of chipolatas?
Why you just say you have multiple Dicks?
I have. Like a wee cows on it under
there. Have you ever?
Heard of the guy from Spider Man called Doc Ock These dog
octopus, right? Dog Octa cock.
I mean, Dicks. They're all small.
It tastes delicious. So yeah, So what we people
thought we'd. Fallen and it's good to see what
we yeah and I actually haven't seen you in ages because because
of COVID. But yeah, people thought we'd
fallen out on like any podcast we were doing when people asked
on our own podcast, people were going have you guys fallen out?
You know, is there a problem? And we obviously, like, planned
this and we were saying, you know, things like, yeah, you
know, we're still friends. But at the end of the day, you
know, I think we had to end the podcast for our friendship.
What you said on your, I just said fuck that guy, hit him, I'm
done. He fucked that.
He ruined the podcast. I mean, I did think genuinely
the podcast was, I didn't know this was happening.
I just happened to be walking past to get a coffee.
I saw you and Butler coming up the studio and was wee bit like,
what are you guys doing here? And you were like, just that.
Nothing. Yeah, nothing.
And here we are. And This is why I'm wearing the
hat that goes through your suit this kind of last minute.
It feels good to be back. It's good to see you.
We're doing a Boytime Christmas episode.
Of course, life has moved on. We've been doing our own
episode, you know, You know, it's a bit like being best
friends and like high school and like, now we're in the world,
but we still need to meet up on 2.
Years. Yeah, we're kind of like we
people just called us the Prince Andrew and Jeffrey Epstein off.
Just two guys doing their own thing when they come together.
Listen, it's a good time. That's what people play.
Can you not call us the Epstein and Prince Andrew of podcasts?
Because that. Was actually what the episode is
going to be called, but for being Christmas we couldn't do
that. So yeah, we're just guys who
have listened. They've walked their own paths,
but there's commonality that keeps bringing them back.
And it is a dirty secret. And that dirty secret for us is
boy thought, yeah, it's good. You know what I mean?
It'll be good that a lot of people will be coming out of the
woodwork to listen to that. They'll be coming out of the
woodwork to be coming out of the closet, to be coming out of
pipework, pipeworks, all different places that listen to
this. And it's a good time.
And the botman's over there. He's having a good time.
Looks, you know what, I just want to say we have a segment
that we've planned. We do it every year in Boy Town.
We do the gift exchange. I just feel the but man, he's,
he's part of it. He's part of if you or I died,
he would be, you know, out of funerals.
But what we're saying is that he's looking a wee bit sad over
there. So I think, do we just hurry the
Christmas gift exchange? Can I?
Yeah. And can I just say like, better?
Can I just say you and I used to joke and say if one of us like
dies young, the other one has to sing at the funeral, but do a
deadly serious and be like, this is what he wanted and then be
like, you raise me up. I did the full song, but
obviously we would. Someone you want me to sing
yours? I want you to sing Root Box by
Robbie Williams. OK, then back to basic scrub.
He's chosen by another. Is that one?
Yeah. Which one?
Shake your root box because you're so nasty.
Can I just say Butler's the only guy Like you and I, obviously,
when it came to the day, wouldn't do that because our
best friends had died and would be sad and have respect for the
family. Butler's the only guy if, like,
one of our parents went up to him, if we died young and not if
you know one, would you mind doing some sort of, like, live
dance tribute? He'd be like, yes, that's no
problem, let me get the white and the white and black shoes.
What? I would just be moonwalking up
and down the golfing. I would like the idea that fire
retardant gel on his legs and when I'm getting going into the
crematorium, Butler's into dances in the fire and then at
that point he does need to get out because he doesn't have an
upper part of his body and it'd be really sore.
But yeah, I like the idea that maybe maybe burned by Usher as
that's what people want. I mean, I don't know whether
people want to see the dancer people me to die, but either
way. It's a good outcome.
All right, well, look, let's let's get into the gift
exchange. Let's get the button on this
gifts first because he's come all the way here from West
Belfast. He's helping us out.
Sorry, where from West Belfast? Feli Navidad.
I want to bitch you a very kiss
mass. I want to fish you a cherry giz
mass. I want to shit you a very piss
mass from the bottom of my arse. Now just double check.
Don't. Don't show my dresses in front
of it. Don't show up because Matthew
Mirner will show up to my house. Again, OK, so.
No, Turn it. Turn it around so the camera
doesn't see that skill. OK, is my mic likely to still
work after it just dropped? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it'll be fine,
Yeah. We'll.
We'll figure that out. So that is a sign print from
your favourite Frankie Valley. Wow.
Oh, I thought you're that start. Double the price of Frankie
Valley. Wow, that's that's.
That's does it say to the Butler or not?
Will you put that? Yep, look says all the best, but
thank you Valley, will you put that up in your wall?
Genuine question. I can if you want me to, yeah.
I only want you to if you want to.
No, I just. Want to say I bought him a
really nice Michael Jackson toy and he just didn't even say
thanks for it. And I took him all the way from
Wuhan just before Corona. Yeah, I mean.
That's kind of why there. I would like to see him for when
I get my house next year and I can put it like.
OK, perfect. Yeah, well, I'm going to go and
put out the UVF, so we'll. See.
OK, what else we got here? Like it?
Best. Christmas.
Ever. Nice Power Rangers T-shirt for
my man. Very red fest if I like that.
Yep. Yeah, it's red, the colour of
blood. Yeah.
Nice. Thank you.
Very official Power Rangers T-shirt.
Thank you very much. No problem.
Thanks for all the help. There's a lot here.
Yeah, yes, there's. A lot here I would say probably
open the wee ones 1st and then the big one and yeah, open that.
That's I am actually very excited to see what this is
because it's mystery to me as well.
Would you say these came from the spoke seller division?
Yeah. But the thing about this is it's
AWWE keychain, but I don't know what superstars in there, do
you? Want to see I want to see what
superstars? It is John Cena.
I'm keeping it. Oh, it's Jeff Hardy.
Go ahead mate. Key ring.
Will you put that on your case? Please do.
Nice. Plus, I'll put that on the deck
because much like Jeff Hardy, you are Charismatic Enigma
yourself. And you can do somersaults.
Yeah, Yeah, I'll do OK, Dave, good start like that.
Thank you. Yes.
Leave the, leave the card. Leave the card, Yeah.
By the way, people love watching unboxing stuff, yeah.
I mean, listen, why don't we cut this segment out, no Christmas
unboxing and put it. Oh yeah, possibly.
Millions. Oh sweet present for the sweet
boy with the sweet tooth sweet. Tooth I'm purple Tooth and this
guy's sweet tooth. Yeah, he has a sweet tooth.
That's where the last present is, an all inclusive trip to
Turkey. What do you think this is as an
unboxing gift? I'm worried it's quite.
Would you say this is the big gift?
Sort of, yeah. Is this a clay cast of my cock?
It is. All right, Yeah, it took a lot
of man to make it. Is it probus stick?
Yeah. So what is it?
A Power Rangers sword? Power Rangers Sword.
Yeah. You know what's funny?
He won't put the Frankie Valley picture up, but make no mistake,
he'll get into the back garden. And by the way, as far as down
with that I. Didn't I didn't know there was
batteries in it, so I attached batteries to the front to make
oh, that's, that's a classy touch.
Listen. That's a classy touch, that's.
Good. So, yeah, you're welcome.
Listen, I'm not going to tell the price of that because you
need to open the car, though. Yeah, I don't.
I don't want to my wife to know the price of that.
They're so close to Christmas. So you just put that down.
Yeah. That's fine.
You're very careful with this. Something inside.
Yeah, there's something inside. What about when you Jingle a
card and there's nothing in it? There you go then.
I'll flip that over. Oh, would you?
Yeah. Yes.
I don't want to stop. You have.
Can't shake open. Dave, can you explain what just
happened there? Because there's, can I just say
beautiful Christmas moment. What a way to end 2020.
Yeah. We're.
Just they've explained what just happened there.
Just asked Butler to be my daughter Matilda's call father.
Oh my God. Beyond.
What a beautiful moment. Can I just say you need to wrap
you in cotton wool because your two child's godfathers remain
him and if you die, it's not going to be a good time for me.
What's going to be weird is I'm going to be a Nandos, getting
myself a feed and I'm going to see you 2 guys come out of BBC
pitching a new sitcom. It's called The Godfathers,
where you die and we get your wife.
You've proven to be ill kids. I think that'd be great.
So the butt man just got the gift, the gift of responsibility
of a life in a way. You're gonna be tattoo, you're
gonna yes, you gotta get a tattoo on your forehead.
Yeah, so there we have it. Wow.
So, yeah, so that was the main gift, but that was definitely
dearest. Can I say I, I, I knew you were
going to because we talked about it and you were going to ask.
I didn't know you were going to do it there with the envelope.
And a little part of me kind of a little bit got choked up just
a bit because Christmas been a tough year and that's quite much
to celebrate. And then I saw that and I
hadn't. Wanted to do it over like a text
or over. I want to do it face to face.
And I thought, you know, a Christmas great time.
I wanted to maybe go for a coffee and ask, but I thought,
you know, just we'll do that. Beautiful.
Plus you got a nice sweet photo of her too, to put on your
walls. Frankie Valley.
Yeah, that photo shit isn't she didn't even sign it neither the
Frankie for quid. Can I just say I love buying
like a frame print right and Dave, there's what there's next
door in like our storage box. There's a Terry on recent print
I got you about four years ago, so.
Now there's a bottle of per second there, it's not for you.
You gave me gifts. Aren't, but they're in my car.
One of those for me, no. They're all for.
Noah, OK, Sucks. Very sly.
Yeah, I mean. Present for the for the boy
there. OK, but you're not allowed them
in the podcast? Are these all for me?
Yeah, OK, apart from the Prosecco.
OK, excellent wrapping. Nice paper.
So I think this is a book. The last book you got me was
Ashley Waters from So Soccer's autobiography, which I still
need to finish and start. Yeah.
OK, so this it's. A moist man.
It's a if I'm not mistaken, it's a black and white bespoke Dane
Gaffney mouse, so. You pop out in your office.
Is Dane knocking these out himself?
By. The way what's so great about
this is black and white. It's Dane Gaffney.
And also nobody has a mouse anymore because I will use a
laptop, so I won't have a mouse, but I will.
What you could do is just pop it up as a background in your
pocket. No, because it looks like Dane's
my son who died in the joyride maximum.
It's great. How do you feel about your
something then? It's well, you.
See the order number and that it was 0001.
So I think I'm the only person who bought that.
So yes, a Dean Gaffney. Excellent for you.
Excellent. This phase is like it could also
be a mouse. I feel like you got a promo code
for mousemats.com. OK, let me see.
So to go with my Dean Gaffney moist mass, I have a sign
picture of the same image from Dean Gaffney.
But unlike the print I got here, is this genuinely signed?
No, I couldn't. Get Dean.
So I just signed up myself. So it's signed for me, but I'll
Dean Gaffney for you, yeah. Excellent.
Thank you. I mean, I'm going to take a stab
at this next picture, this next gift.
It's a it's a Dean Gaffney coaster.
Just pop your coffee. Dean Gaffney is going to alert
the Met Police when he sees this and be like someone's bought
loads of stuff. What's this?
See what this is small thing is. It's a key ring with the same
black and white image of former East End directors Dean Gaffney.
But a lot of people say you look like them, so that's why.
No they don't. No one says I look like I don't
know, but let me guess Dean Gaffney's fucking faces on it?
It's such a waste of money. You could have got me something
really nice. What are?
You talking about? Like a wee jumper or something.
It's a fridge magnet, and spoiler alert, it's Dean
Gaffney. If I put because it doesn't look
like a celebrity image, If I put that in my fridge, people will
be. Like yeah for.
Fuck's sake. What else is there in there?
What's this I? Hope there's going to be like,
genuinely in and amongst us like.
A. Really great, nice gift.
It's a canvas. It's a canvas.
It's a canvas so I can put it up on my wall at home and it's it's
update Ding Gaffney. I'm glad you're enjoying this
gift. What else is there there?
There's a card. A card?
Oh, the card's boring. Just keep that for home.
Yeah, there's a bottle of something the.
Bottle that's out is not for you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The bottle that's in, you need
to check the label, the bottle first, make sure it's yours.
I'll take the cheque, the label of it first.
You're on on the bottle bag. Told you.
To make sure it's yours, could be for your wife.
The the the gift bag, the gin is made out to Dean Gaffney.
And these are all drawn by John Sutton.
And I guarantee you John has never sold one unit of this
before. But you got me a lovely bottle
of Boatyard double Gin. Yeah.
Which is beautiful. Thank you.
I'm glad that there is a. Nice.
You're welcome. To be fair, the Dean Gaffney
gift was. I know you're a big fan of
Gaffney. Yeah.
So I thought, you know, that that would be a nice touch.
But. It says happy happy Christmas to
the oldest boy or the youngest pensioner.
Love from the corn fed gap to Stone head AKA big money Davey
XO. Fantastic.
So so we expect to see a Dean Gaffney canvas on your podcast
background going forward. Yeah, now my gift.
So there's gifts. There's a gift from one of your
children in the other room. And then I saw that.
Yeah, these other gifts are for your other child and your wife.
But then the thing in bubble wrap is for you.
OK. Right.
OK. And I kind of went a little bit
different with it this time because I don't want to, like,
get you. Same thing.
Very nice. Does she have that?
No. OK, there's no de gaffing stuff
in here, it says. Imagine if I had got you all the
same stuff. I know you like stuff for your
wall, and I know you like mountain things.
It's a big. Player, it's a brilliant.
Picture signed. Again, yes, and it was an
ambitious 1 to get this guy to sign it.
What you've done, you've. All seen some sort of seance to
get this signed and I appreciate it.
It's one of our favourite guys and Aaron Butler's that
Liberace. I mean, what is that?
What is it's morbid. It actually says his date of
birth on his date of death. Vladzio Valentino Liberace, born
May 16th, 1919, died February 4th, 1987.
That's that's it. Looks like it's your grand
because it's such specific information.
It looks like my grandda is at the cabaret in Tenerife in the
hotel. He's just having a great time.
He's loving it. Thank you very much for.
That no problem. And yeah, I'm going to take you
out for a nice. I was going to take you out for
a nice lunch today, but you snubbed me.
I know, unfortunately the kids and stuff.
Oh, that's a lovely time. Look, people are watching this
with the Christmas dinner, Christmas morning, Christmas
evening, that kind of thing. So look, let's just get into it
and let's talk about the bad boys of 2020.
Yeah, let's go through them. Let's talk about some of these
bad boys that have been doing the right because that was a big
feature of boy time. We used to talk about guys, you
know, in general and the podcast.
So let's kick us off and talk about Trump.
OK? Trump.
Yeah. So and rich Playboy, yes.
Do you think there's a sexy attitude of him of like, I don't
care? Yeah, I mean, I think Butler or
Butler, Butler Trump. Oh, well, talk about subliminal.
Yeah, I think true Trump is he's very much like, I think he
didn't want to be president. He did it for the crack.
Like if they get a few too many scoops in the Golf Club, said
those mates, I'm running for president and they're like, I
show you art though. And he was like, I'll show you.
And he wanted. He's like a hot bollocks and
then cute to an extent. Yeah, I think more attitude wise
than. Yeah, I mean, I think.
Tall, he needs big drink of water.
Very, very well. He's fat, but he's a big fat
bastard. But he's he's definitely a tall.
He's a lump. I would say he's a big lump.
He looks like Doctor Zeus would have drawn him.
You know, he's that kind of guy. But you know, I think, you know,
people would argue his presidency was a wee bit, you
know, controversial. I'd say listening.
He just lived his best life and enjoyed it, you know, and I like
his son Barone Trump guy. He's.
Definitely a boy town listener like 100%.
Like this. He's actually saying this.
Dad, listen, just keep your check.
I'm going up to the up to the wouldn't they have like some
sort of technology suite in their house?
He would go to the technology suite.
He would get into some sort of watching pod and just watch,
watch Boy Town. So yeah.
Which which which gets pumped into your via colonoscopy.
We actually get shrinked and then put in and we go in and we
do the podcast in your bum. So that's kind of that's what we
do for Barometro. 2021 that's the only way this podcast coming
back if it can be given directly I'm.
Going to live in your bum? Yeah.
Should we talk about that later in the podcast?
We will. Iron Dragon would be able to
play a little bit of that, or would it would it come up as
copyright? Yeah.
I mean, I don't think he's going to have a problem with it, you
know, I think it'll be grand. OK, we'll talk about that a bit
later. And by the way, I just.
Want to say to the listeners before we get into more bad
boys, Genuinely, he slabbered. But he's using his coaster.
Dean Gaffney, Yeah, is being put to use.
Already, so let's chat a little bit about Joe Exotic as well.
Big character from 2020. I mean, I could What was Joey's
out of gay? I don't know, but I think all of
his male lovers were. Because sometimes this is the
thing I say to people like gay, lesbian, hetro, whatever, It's
all just, it's all just, he is like, you know, we are just one
species. We can just dip in, dip out, do
what we feel like, you know, everyone's free to do.
They want. Absolutely.
I think we need labels. No.
And I think if there's a guy that that you cannot really
label, it's our boy Joe Exotic because weird.
Yeah, he's an eccentric guy. But don't get me wrong, I think
I could have easily found myself living on.
I mean, I don't think it would take much, but then the Tigers
might sway it and all of a sudden I've been going over them
for 11 years. For a gay man, he's destroyed a
lot of pussy. That should have been the
Netflix tagline for the show and.
This is where I go in and I try to pitch things to producers.
A lot of times they just go and then I just leave and go
Nando's. I mean, that's why I'm in that
those most days you'll find me there.
But yeah. Yeah, I mean, there again, a
little bit like the Trump thing. Like there's something cute
about Joe Exotic because he is such a wild maverick character.
Oh yeah, he has a Prince Albert, definitely.
I think his friend did too, but his friend.
His friend he fucked. Is it not such like, is it not
such a like, you know, outdated thing to just like blatantly
call someone's like obviously gay lover their friend?
Yeah, like that's what your granny would do us.
Your friend come around. For dinner, you just sucking
your friend off there? Oh, do you hear you see you and
your friend or doing a reach around here?
I'll leave yours too. It'll leave some tea, weird
thing. Like that would be your granny
didn't know what a reach around was.
I would be like, oh, he's just looking for a lost 10 P trying
to find it. But you know the granny, She's
tuned in like. She's been on Google.
I got stung by a wasp. But my bum and he's Putin.
I got stung by a wasp up by bum. Oh dear, and my friend is going
up with his thumb. Hopefully afterwards I have a
glass of Rome. Is that what you're going to
say? And yeah, it's good that I mean,
is there any situation where like you would like explore me
there? Like if I, if I was like, I need
your help. If I get if I, if I rap banged
your door. And I said, listen, this is
ironic because what I need you to do for me also involves like
banging the door. Like is there any if I, if I, if
I came to you And I said, listen, I've been threatened by
paramilitaries and the only way they're not going to kill me is
you. You have to, you don't have to
Make Love, but I was deadly serious about it.
Would you? To you or to the boys?
Me. Because if I was going to do,
you may as well do the boys as well.
Make it an. Event and I don't know again,
each scenario is, you know, unique to an all itself.
It's a life or death, you know, like I know I went to do a first
aid course and they teach you their mouth to mouth.
Yeah. And also after that I went
online and Googled another technique that can help bring
people back called Ask the Mouth.
And that's, that's, it's unique. I don't know how it works in the
health environment, but you know, the World Health
Organisation back it. So if you're ever passed out, I
know how to get you back using the Ask the Mouth technique.
So you should Google that. Do you know do you know that
Butler Ask the Mouth resuscitation technique.
Google it, get a clip on It's very.
Well if you Google, ask them if you are going to get results.
Yeah, but yeah. Joe Exotic Bob Boy is 2020 but
cute. Yeah, cute, I mean. #1 Bob Boy,
2020. I mean, you know, he's up there
definitely, like with the most popular, what I like about,
like, Netflix and documentaries. Yeah, Pete.
Pardon. Yeah, what the people they like,
they go on these shows and people watch them and think they
know the guys and you're like, oh frame and you're like, well,
you know, he's a massive criminal, you know, like that
other guy who that spoke. Steve Avery.
Avery, Yeah. Him like fully murdered someone
and burned them in his pit. But people are like, oh, he's
soft in the head, get them out. They're like, oh, that's not how
it works. You know, it's not.
They're like, get his mate the WrestleMania.
I know then. You're like, Nah, definitely
don't because he lit the fires. You know what people watch it
and get it in their heads are like, ah, the police aren't
doing their job. Not.
See, when Boy Time was at its peak, it looked like it was like
people would have assumed. I'm sure that it was filmed but
Joe Exotics compound, you know, as we Media Centre 100% that
looks like a Tiger King production.
Say what you want about Joe Exotic, he had a podcast setup.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had a setup that, to be fair,
if we lived in America, we would probably try to, you know,
purchase that when he went into the slammer.
Yeah, you know, it would be great.
I could see you and I run the Big Tiger Zoo, but like, we
would treat them. It'd be like big cats, but it
legitimately would be like very fat cats.
We'd be very scared, yeah. If you like throw a meat at the
cage, you wouldn't go through and all just be.
And then we'd be like when he Joe back to shoot him a bury in
the garden. What about when that guy really
mugged you off? He's like, oh, someone might
have put sardine oil in his shoes.
Yeah, Joe got mugged so bad. He's shooting in the air.
I love, I love that, you know, Aussie tigers believe in whoa,
you can't speak English right? But what about this?
You would still do what he did right and be like, he was like
getting like nearly eaten by about four tigers and he's like,
oh, fuck off. He's a fuck, get fucked, get
back, fuck off. Like you wouldn't do that, but
it's waste of time. And then when he gets up, he's
all like fucking shit. That's like you shit.
That's like the they're like in Glasgow, they were trying to
make the pandas mate, you know, like pandas don't like the mate
in Glasgow Zoo, I thought. You said this guy was trying to
be a Panda's mate. All right, man.
All right, Panda. It's me, Gary.
All right, your eyes are very dark, mate.
Yeah, In Glasgow, in Glasgow Zoo, they were trying to make
pandas mate. And one thing they were doing is
like, soothing talking voices to them.
And I was like stupid pandas don't speak English to speak
Chinese. Exactly.
So if you had like a wee guy just whispering sweet nothings
in Chinese. And what about Boris is a bad
boy in 2020? He's just a bit of a bit of a
dough head like. Is he a dough head or is he a
guy who like messes his hair up and walks out and he's like oh,
I don't even know and all. And then secretly he probably
gets home and he's like fucks. Sake no way he gets so many
fucks like because he's about 14 kids like so that's all he does
he's got so that's why his hair is always.
Rough because he's fucking shagging.
Shagging. Flat out he's a top shagger,
which is a phrase that's been taken away, which is reclaim
that for BJ. But yeah, he's to me, he lost
like he had he had a chance like his his popularity was in the up
at the start of the coronavirus and everyone's like he is he's
our he's our wartime leader. Even like Michelle O'Neill was
saying, like he's our wartime and leader ish.
And people were like, whoa, people are on.
Board. Sorry, hold on.
Rewind, she called him. What?
Wartime and leader Ish. What does that mean?
Irish. For a wartime leader and they
people were like, oh, he knows what he's doing.
But then his mate decided for a banter to go to that castle and
they were like, oh, you've totally broken all protocols.
And he was like, yes, but I can't sack him, right.
Why is that, Boris? And he's like, oh, because when
I'm shagging, he's writing all things I have to say and I don't
have a clue about anything, you know.
So then that that all everything went.
Dominic Cummings sounds like somebody we were doing on phone
call. Dom Cummings.
Everybody watching, you know that even though the boys are so
far apart, we still have one thing in common.
Not a friendship, but the fact that both of our podcasts are
sponsored by Manscape. I was.
Just going to say we both have very tightly shaped balls and
Dicks. Well, thanks to Manscape.
Now, if you're going into 2021 with, let's just say, a little
bit of a Bush down there. Gross.
Yeah, gross. What you need to do is go to
manscape.com and and just see what they're offering because
listen, the lawnmower 3.0 the ball wipes the toner.
Here's the thing I speak about manscape the lot.
I think the products are good. The one thing I have a bit of an
issue with the ball wipes that's weird to whip out when you're on
the run, you're out and about and and you're like, Oh my balls
are sweaty. You shouldn't whip your Dick and
balls and start wiping them. What you should do is just go in
the bathroom, whip the wipes out, make them smell fresh and
just just clean yourself up. Get the get the lawnmower 3
point though, you get the crop preserver.
I mean who who doesn't need their balls deodorised before
they leave the house? What my favourite tool that
manscape produce or is the crop preserver.
Like a lot of people, I know you have have seen it, I know you
have have seen it. Very wrinkly ball bags after we
start using the crop preserver. Honestly it's like a flesh
sparring just hanging. Down it's it's like a 95 year
old man's been taken for surprise Botox.
Yeah, and then shaken his ball bag.
You've put it on the table and you've ironed it because my
balls are flat and fat. And that's all thanks to the
crop preserver. And as well, listen, bend your
head back, you can see actually there is no Genesis.
No, I say we've done a full podcast.
There's one bit of hair. I I have do you know, do you
know how much I have no nose hair or ear?
That was because I was given the weed whacker and I gave it to I
gave it to Big Mike. Big Mike, because he does have a
famously hairy nose. And I use the weed whacker
myself on my ears because what's weird is the hair falls out of
my head, grows out of my ears, grows out of hair.
Now in between my eyebrow and my hair grows under my it grows in
my eyeball. I'm a hairy bastard, but he's
the weed whacker. But man, Skip's got you taken
care of, so it's the, it's the what would you say the?
The premium deck and ball shaving tool and assistant
equipment. It's the Adele of men's
grooming. In what respect?
It's really good. Oh, OK.
She's really good, like. Yeah, I was going to say it is
like it is the pretty premium gear.
Go from Frank Mitchell to Phil Mitchell, you know what I mean?
Both are bald. You know, Frank's not, but
Frank's got a little bit. Frank's got a little bit of
something, Frank. Doesn't he's bald?
No, not Frank Butcher anyway. Manscape.com use codes tea with
me or. All capitals sly guy.
Take your pick, but. You know you should do what you
should do because it's Christmas.
Listeners on my podcast uses code.
Listen to his no use my. Code no, and you know you
should. Try if you listen to my podcast,
use my code and if you listen to his podcast also use my team
with me, get a little bit of kickback a lot of people.
Watching this are going to be going who is this guy that looks
like a fat the Yorkshire rapper. Why is he so funny going to get
on? I'm like if the Yorkshire rapper
walked after victims instead of this guy.
So you're like, hey, is he check him out?
Listen to the podcast and what you know.
Have a hairy face but a baldy Dick?
Merry Christmas, and if you don't know who I am and you
listen to this podcast, check. Check me out.
Yeah, this guy. I mean, I do want to say turn
aside profile. Why your haircut like Blade?
Thank you very much. Back on with the episode.
What about Tom Cruise? Like do you think that in case
Sly what he was doing or do you think?
Like I mean, to be honest, I. I've had worse meltdowns in the
studio. I'm.
A bit like an ostrich. I bury my head in the sand.
I don't know what's going on. I haven't heard about Tom
Cruise. Cruise, he's rant on Mission
Impossible. No.
No, it's like one of the biggest news stories.
I mean, bigger than COVID. Was it a week?
Yeah, no, I didn't hear that man.
I'm an. Old right door filming on
Mission Impossible. And somebody must have like, not
been observing social distancing.
And there Tom Cruise was, you know, he did like the Christian
Bale kind of, what are you doing?
What are you doing? And he went on this big thing of
like, I'm talking to producers every night.
They're phoning me and what the hell?
And he was like swearing up and calling people motherfuckers and
all this kind of thing. And people are like, he's the
worst guy of all time. And it's like Dave and I have
literally, like in this studio, stomped on Ben's head before for
sneezing ones. Going to hear a true story about
bad behaviour on a set. Yes, I was of course filming
some kind of like advert for Coca-Cola years ago.
You filmed an advert for Coca-Cola?
Yeah, for. The well for the Coca-Cola
bottling plant up in fucking Antrim or something, but that's
different. Holidays are coming, stressed.
I was dressed as a big white polar bear.
Big snow bear, right? As long as this.
I was probably in my teens like whatever, but I was, I was
dressed the big snow bear and they were like, right, there's
this kid, he's going to come in the the Coca-Cola factory and
you're like, oh, I'm a banter with him.
So in between shots I was wearing these big, what I
thought were soft gloves, just a 16 year old guy and I was
probably, probably 2122 actually.
Bully. Big job.
Yeah, so I went up to him when I went like giving wee punch just
to be on the because I was wearing these soft gloves, they
weren't that soft. So I hit him and his nose
started to bleed and then he was starting to cry.
But you know, you're the tears are in your eye, but you're not
crying. And then the director like what
happened there? He's like, oh, we're just
messing. They hit me and I was like, oh,
didn't hit. It was a bit of banter and then
to show the director what it did above them again.
But this time we're really I was like here.
I just it was like we better and then the first time I don't know
what happened second time like I clipped them and I was like oh
fuck. And then I was taken off that
shoot for beating up a child like.
I was like when I burnt my cousin with a.
Car later. Oh, they're sore.
Yeah, really sore and I didn't know if they would be sore and I
wanted to find out, but I was going to find out.
My own bare leg, right? One more bad boy. 2020 Epstein.
My man. I mean, you're definitely
someone who you like being like taken care of you like someone
being like, listen, Dave, we'll treat you to a big slap up mail
like you would genuinely, if someone asked you to do a video
and they were like, you go watch a budget.
You said my budget's 3 grand. They would go well mate, with
£80, but we'll get you a big slap up mail and Wetherspoons.
You would do it. So I think you easily could have
been corralled. And if they were trying to trap
people, they would have put a little bit of honey in the pot
and I'd say the big the big snow bear would have got his nose
into it. I think like you would be a guy
too. That would be like we like we.
Both I would have been a waiter on Epstein's island.
We. Would be wooed by him.
You know, you, you you'd be doing a thing like, oh, I'm
making this new show, the new podcast.
What's it called on Sex Island. It's just a guy, you know, and
this is really good and like, oh, what's how do you get to
this? I always flying me out.
He's paying me 80 grand. Oh, well, over a year.
No, I'm only doing a day shoot. Oh, wow.
And I'm just just chilling there.
And I would get jealous because then he'd become your new best
friend. Yeah.
He'd be like, what's really weird is he makes me have sex
with his wife and stuff and it's just weird and I get massaged by
Olympus and it's odd that this happens and then Prince Andrew
just gets it too. Hit it off.
By the way, you know, the way everybody is like, oh, Prince
Andrew, not sweating is the weirdest thing ever.
Fully a medical condition I would have, Yeah.
When have you ever seen me sweat?
Never actually, I've played football with you for I can feel
90 about match, not no sweat. Yeah.
But what I mean, you know,
people can say if they want about Prince Andrew.
You know, he's just a guy living his best life, isn't he?
Really? It's not I again.
I wouldn't, I don't know if he would describe it as currently
his best life because I think, I think when he comes down on
Christmas, like this morning, I think Prince Andrew have gone
downstairs from Buckingham Palace.
Cole. What an appropriate name for a
place where Prince Andrew live. Buckingham Palace.
You know that's why he goes Epstein's fuck island as well.
So it was cool. The fuck island?
Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what's called.
It was called. Little Jeffrey.
Or something. Oh yes, little St Something was
little Jeffrey. 'S island or something It was.
Called Little Jeffrey Aaron, you look like you'd be in a SEC
home. Called Little Jeffrey.
Was it Little St Next? Is that it or Little St?
Yeah, Little. I mean, if you're going to call
your, if you're going to be a pervert and you're going to be
dodgy, I mean, I would call my. If you're going to be a pervert
and dodgy as if they aren't mutually, you know the.
Thing you know when people use the phrase, oh, he's a sex
pervert. I'm like, well, what kind of
other perverts are? There, he's a real, he's a real
meat pervert. Little Saint James.
Little St. James, there's a place in West,
but you're from there. Yeah.
But yeah, I mean, what I'm going to say is I think Epstein, yes,
bad guy, pervert, maybe, maybe a rapist too.
I don't know, because I'm not a, I'm not a police officer guy.
But yeah, definitely not the kind of guy I would like in and
around my house and my children. No.
But rejoice the God above, he is dead.
He did the right thing and took himself out because he knew he's
a bad boy. Wow guys, I have.
A list here of celebrities that went to the island, I think.
But is this verify? Do you think this is legit?
OK. Well then yes.
I know one for a fact. He's been to the island.
Tim McGarry. I know that for a fact.
He told me personally. Oh no.
That. He yeah, just say that sentence
and falling. Yeah, so Tim McGarry told me he
was on Jeffrey Esseys Island. Yeah.
No, what I should, what I should point out here, and I'm very
much let people say what they want.
It's them that said it. Tim did, to be fair, say that
they've had a bit on my podcast, he said.
They've had a very, very strong addiction to illegal
painkillers. Yeah, because I was given him
them on the island. That's why we know what
happened, yeah. Excellent.
So he was there. So, Tim.
Tim, he was there, you know, again, I.
No. If he wasn't, he's lying to me.
So he's either a liar. You know, what's good is I spoke
to our solicitors before this and the fact that this isn't
officially Boy Town again means it's separately, we wouldn't
have to go to court together. Yeah, I know, because Tim
wouldn't take me to court anyway because he's too many court fees
for existing felonies he's already committed, so it'll be
grand to worry about it. Who else is who do?
Stephen Hawking and I just confirmed that he was actually
on the island. There's photos.
Yeah. Yeah, because it's not going to
be some other fella. And I mean like.
You know what I mean? There's been not going to be a
mistaken identity. I mean, no, that's that's Brian
Smith. That would be.
Ultimate banter, if that's how, if that's the guys Prince Andrew
went to the island that he's like, I was not.
It was Steve talking folks here. Who else?
Give us one or two more. So Bill Clinton was a.
Big one. Oh, yeah.
I mean, not the only one. Like everyone else.
You're like that they're talking about Clinton, Like, yeah.
Yeah. He's dead.
He's. A legend, but I wouldn't say
that's real. And that's all it's given me.
I mean you said this list that like it was.
That's all that was on the list. Well, wow.
Being Trump and Clinton. Oh night.
Out listen if ever it's going to be a court case after a night
out sues lads. Look, should we do phone call?
Sure. Yeah, we'll do that.
I'll give you yours first, OK? So OK.
Let me get my phone. You are going to be phoning a
hotel in London and you left something in the room last week
so you're you can be described as keen to get it back.
And your name is Roger Ham. Roger.
Ham all right, Roger Hamm or hand, it's up to you.
You had a two night stay and you left the real bespoke item.
Yeah and I if they say we can't see your book and whatever, just
say my company booked it might not be under my name and you
only know what you left in the room.
I placed a bespoke bum plant which can only be watered
through your bottom. So it's a business prototype.
It's a it's a bespoke bum plant. And I want you to say, yeah, I
mean, I know it's a niche business, but I'm hoping to put
the arson partially. And then if they don't have it,
I want you to just have fun with this.
But I want you to ask if they say like, oh, no, we don't have
that or, you know, we can't find out, just say OK.
But also, if you see my Willy cactus, let me know.
Hold. On I need to just turn my Oh no,
actually what it did was just silence unknown callers before
they keep my number there. So I would have been awkward,
right? Show me the number.
If you, you take your pick.
If you do the pick like pardon. OK.
Yeah, yeah. And just just one in London.
My other idea was that you were going to be starting a Game of
Thrones type production and you needed a lot of rooms for your
cast and it was just going to be a very, very weird show.
So yeah, your bespoke bomb plant, it can be only watered
through your bottom, OK. And it's a business prototype
and just want you to get the line in.
I'm hoping to put the arson parsley.
OK. It's bottom partially,
essentially is what you're doing bottom parsley.
Yeah. And your name's Roger Ham or
Hand. Thank.
You for calling our reservation office if you want to make a
room reservation. Press 1 if you have an upcoming
reservation. I just said one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know.
I have a bit of fun. See where this goes.
Take it for a walk. Let me get.
Someone to help you, Roger Ham, Just a little bit higher pitch
than you for. Any prepaid deposits please
allow up to 30 days from your. Submission.
Shut up. Hey, just in the meantime, hope
everybody's having a great Christmas Day.
Hope you got what you wanted. But if you're a bad boy?
Help you the two imagine like there was people who just all
they asked on the floor was a return to the boy town podcast.
You know what my daughter, 3 year old asked on the floor.
Went through at the same. New Dad rice cake ham and rice
cake the. Reservations for Hilton James
speaking. Hi, James, how are you?
It's Roger Ham here. Thank.
You, Roger. How can I?
Help you. Hi, I was just staying with you
guys last week. I think it was maybe Tuesday or
Wednesday, I'm not sure exactly. It was booked through my company
and I just left a plant in your in in the room.
I do apologise for that. Roger.
You're actually calling Central reservation as of the moment the
hotel directly. Can you tell me which Hilton
property have yesterday before? It was Saint James's.
Sorry, it's. St James's What is?
The name of the property. It was the St James's Hilton.
James in. London.
Yes, Hold on. One second maybe I have the
direct phone number. Can you look at my room please,
or do I have to speak to somebody in a motel?
Yeah, you'll need to speak directly with the hotel.
You left something in the room. OK, you'll.
Need to speak with the lost property department.
You have been so helpful. Can I get your name so I can
review you? This is James.
Oh, James. Reservations.
James and I was in Saint James. What are the chances?
Yeah, is. It the Trafalgar Saint James
London curial collection by Hilton.
Bing bong, Yes. Please. 0207.
Oh, can you not put me through, James?
Oh I'm so sorry. As much as I would like to, this
is actually a call centre. They're only receiving phone
call. OK, OK, hold on me a second.
I'll need to get a pane here to write down the number.
Could you go ahead there, James? 0207. 0207, yeah. 870. 870.
2900. 2900 is that us? Yeah, that's.
It that's the Trafalgar syncing. So once you dial that phone
number, since you were going to speak with the lost property.
OK, you. Know the operator will give you
an option to press a number. That's really good press.
Option D Please press option zero.
Your call will be wrong. No problem.
And can I just ask a question to you before I go, James, do you
think they're likely to throw my cactus in the bin or will it
likely still be there if it was last week?
If it's not owned by the property.
If it's not owned by the property, they always keep that
safe. It's already a week ago.
Right. Yes, James, I I was unpacking my
my plant bag and I noticed that I had my dahlias.
I have my roses, I have my parsley, but then have my
cactus. So the only place I can be is in
the hotel room. You know, James, it's a bespoke
bomb plant. Yeah, I.
Think they still have them? You can try.
To call them. And then?
Verify. Yeah, OK, Well, it's because I
want the. Do you've ever heard of
business? I have a business where I make.
I have a business where I make plants that you can only water
through the body. Quite literally.
I'm trying to make my horse parsley, you know?
So that's why I need the plant. If other people get it, they
could go to the Dragons Den, sell it.
Next thing you know, people will be making money out of bum
plants and I'll be penniless on the streets.
Fuck. So I think it's just only one
week ago, so probably. One week since I left my plan
keeping. That.
OK, I will ring them and James, Merry Christmas.
So. Anything else?
Yeah. Merry Christmas.
No, I you've been more than helpful, babe, And I'm happy.
And I'll just phone since James's and I'll say GM sent me.
And if they don't have my cactus, I'll cry.
But I'll get over it, James. OK.
Yeah. And if they do, I'm going to
send you money. All right?
And keep it between us. Cash.
All right, You and me, James. We've got it.
Love you. Take care.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Bye. Hi, baby.
Oh, very good, very good. No, believe it or not, you're
phoning a spa hotel in England. Oh yeah, your phone in the spa
hotel. Some things never change.
Listen, can I just pick one? Yeah, you.
Can pick up at the spa hotel, right?
Yeah. And you're looking to book a spa
treatment for January. OK.
We all know very well that there's going to be no spa
treatment in January, right? Yeah.
So what I want, if they say, oh, you can't do bookings for spa
treatments, I want you to say, is there no exceptions?
Yeah. And then I want you to say, OK,
but what if cash? All right.
And then if they answer that back, I say, all right, and how
about cash? I don't want you to really get
this deal. I want you to let them know that
you're friends with David Walliams.
Yeah, OK. So say, listen, I'm friends with
David Walliams. And then I need you to say, too,
that I'm 32. Yeah, lucky 18.
I'm a very old juvenile. Or if you want a youthful
pensioner, your choice. And then if they answer back, we
say OK, cash. Useful pensioner or what?
Or you're and you're an old juvenile or.
Yeah, OK. OK.
And I keep just trying to fit in.
OK, What about cash there? It's very important you're
trying to get cash. And if they're not taking cash,
I want you to offer sleep privileges.
And I'd say sorry, I mean bad privileges and bad blow jobs.
I'd say that. If you can get them there and
I've written at the bottom sex world, the UK, Epstein, but you
can take that if you want or not.
And then I just want you to reiterate your friends with
David Walliams. You're a very bespoke
complexion. You're you're neither young or
old, but you're of age and okay, you're trying to get cash.
So here am I like what am I saying or how do I talk?
Or pick the name. What I would like you to be is
very breathy. Yeah, okay, I.
Want to do breathy? I want to be affluent because I
mean, you wouldn't be offering this like this is.
Normal. Am I English from here?
Yeah, English. Now from here just you're
friends with David Walliams through the circuit and that's
all you need. They need to know the circuit
and your name is Wilhelm Butterworth.
Or you can be, you can go by Mr W Butterworth, whatever you.
Want Mr W Butterworth, Mr W. Butterworth.
All right. New character?
Definitely. Mr W Butterworth.
Oh, OK, Mr W. Butterworth.
He's a five star. Oh.
Well, I think that sounds good. Yeah.
OK. Mr W Butterworth.
Hello. And.
Thank you. Hello in.
The Montcalm. Bro London House.
I'll be the art of Heart of the City.
If you'd like to pick a room or suite, please press 1.
Spa if. You have an inquiry for our
sales team. Please press 2 to book a meeting
or event with us. Please press 3 or hold if you'd
like. To 1 section or hold.
These options again, just press 0.
Put your double gin you're doing at night bro.
Bring my home straight. I'll be at first.
No, you're. Murder.
Thank you for coming over in London House.
This is Valentina. How may I assist?
You. Hello.
I can't really hear you. Hello.
Yeah, it's Mr W Butterworth and
I'm calling because I would like to book a spa treatment for
January. What have you got all?
Right. So, Sir, this is the hotel
reception. Yes, please, God.
I'm sorry but for the spa treatments is just the spa that
takes care of it and because of the situation unfortunately they
are closed for now so the only way to reserve is through their
website. Is it through the website or is
it cash? Are they closed for January?
Until we have any new direction from the government.
Or cash or cash. And The thing is, I didn't want
to drop this, but I'm friends with David Walliams through the
circuit, so could we make an exception and get Butterworth
in? Unfortunately, Sir, the spy is a
separate department. Cash department.
So I can literally say nothing about it.
Because. The spy itself is closed.
Open for cash. I'm 32, I look at team I'm
either a youthful pensioner or no juvenile.
So there's cash here, there's cash here.
Even an Indian Head massage OFB open for Butterworth.
Unfortunately the SPA will stay closed until further notice from
the government because we are in Tier 4 lockdown that there's
literally no workers inside of the spot.
Would it change things if I became Boris Johnson?
Physically, mentally, scientifically?
Butterworth has the cash. Unfortunately, until the
government doesn't decide to take London out of TF4 lockdown.
Week. Hold on.
Butterworth has a pile over for lunch.
Hold on a second. Yes, Hello.
It's Boris Johnson. The spa's open.
So it's we need to wait for it from the news.
Bottleworth, I'll give you some cash.
Yes, that was my friend Boris Johnson.
So get Butterworth in. Oh, I think the Queen's also
here. Yes, the spa's open for
Butterworth. Excellent.
So. For that you.
Will believe Danny Dyer is also here.
Oh I was both but working so I. Believe for that you will have
to check. OK can we book for jam or Feb?
Let's book for Feb 8th 8th of January.
Butterworth butter at the spot. London will be out of Tier 4
lockdown. Boris has approved.
Well, until I have no directive from the managers and there is
no news about it, I can't do anything.
So there is no workers inside of the.
Spot. Hold on.
The manager is here. All good, Butterworth.
You know what? That's fine.
Listen, I'm going to buy a bottle of E 45 at the chemist
and just lather it on my back. I'll wait till February.
Cool. I'll see you in February.
Well, Butterworth shall arrive ready for a treatment with cash.
Have a good day, Sir. OK, no problem darling.
Remember the name but a wealth? Some people are just so polite.
Customer service, they're used to hang up.
Yeah, but. But man along we have been
recording for. About 50.
Remember back in the day we on remember like on boy time back
in the day, right? You would be like maybe like a
slow wake or something or whatever and you would be
recording and you're working away and then you would turn the
pen and go thinking you're near the end episode.
You know, Ben Long we've been on for and he would go 07 there.
You go fuck sake. Yeah, fuck sake.
I'm ringing a Chinese, what do you want?
Chow named duck and a gravy chip to suck tin of Coke and a
portion of rice, pork belly fried and sliced and prawn
crackers if he hasn't. And let's just talk about shows.
Yeah, bitch. Do a quick chat about shows and
you're doing. We're both doing big shows.
Next year, man, I was watching the Ripper on Netflix.
I thought you were talking about things were interested.
About farts. No, I haven't.
I mean very disrespectful. I imagine Netflix when I give it
to the show called The Ripper. Oh, the RIP is coming.
Pool. He's done another one.
The way he said that the Ripper's coming, that maybe
would be a really bespoke sexual like fetish.
When he farts, he comes, it'd be so messy.
You'd be like, you just follow through.
No, I just came. And I mean, that would also be
just so disrespect to what the actual show was.
I didn't say. And I heard footsteps coming up
behind me and it was the Ripper because he smelled like shit and
he was passing the whole way up the alleyway.
And Ulster Hall. Yes.
Oh, my goodness. I have really enjoyed this
podcast. It's been silly.
It's been Billy. Yeah.
Playing the Ulster oh, Billy
Eilish, which everybody knows is Billy Isle in Irish, of course,
yeah, wow, I mean fun to Gale talks.
I think that yeah, I'm playing the Ulster Hall.
Oh, I think I am. It's booked.
It's happening Shit on the 17th of December 2021 on though
there's a text. It's 02.
Thank God. I'm not in trouble.
My tickets are doing really well.
I've only sold like the whole middle section already in a
couple of days, but you know, that makes me makes me excited,
you know, so. Your face, yeah, Yeah, we both
got you looked at him with disgusting.
Do you only turn I was. Doing I haven't got my glasses
on and I was looking to see Daves Fitbit so I was squinting
like that. Right, right, right says.
Sexy bastard, always, just all day.
It says sexy bastard and just 7 steps.
Yes, and listen, because I, much like Prince Andrew, pretended to
be Stephen Hawking during the day and just whizzed about in a
wee chair. So don't get the steps and I get
the chair lift up to here as well.
So it's great. Again, people look at me and be
like Stephen Hawking is definitely fatter than It.
Was. Before he died, yeah, but yeah.
So I'm playing the Ulster Hall in 17th of December.
Tickets are going really good. Initially I was like, I'll put
it on sale, 6 will go and I'll have.
But you sold 7. I've sold 17 actually.
So I mean, if you want to get one of those extra like 980 all
tickets, get them. So it's going good, it's
exciting, I'm buzzing and you're doing the same.
Doing the SSE made what? SSE Arena, See no, see see
Arena. And I'm doing that in November
next year with Michelle Chancer. Yeah, just come see it.
Nice. Just come see it.
Nice. It's good to see good comedians
in the SSE. I'm pleased for that.
I think you'll be a real killer show.
Yeah, you're happy to see just. Yeah, I'm happy to see good
local comedians in the SSA. Good man.
You can't get us. It's going to be a good time.
Yeah, I'm keen to see those shows.
Right, right, right. I think it's a good time like
comedy scenes good at the. Minute, You know what I do?
I think the local comedy scene. Everybody's, everybody's just
shifting tickets. You know what I mean?
Like normally it's birds that I shift, but on this occasion
tickets, you know? A true opener for us all, isn't
it? And.
There's gonna be plenty more of that came from.
But no, this is the thing I believe, right?
And I don't know why I'm going into this podcast because
millions of people will listen, but it seems very good.
There just needs to be a bit more recognition of what's going
on, a bit more eyes on other acts coming through because it's
a great thing here. It's developed well now.
I think next year will be a lot of shows will be a lot of
hopefully acts coming through and and, you know, people can
see good comedy. Yep.
You know, on the stage, on TV and on wherever else.
Yeah, on my Patreon, you see really good comedy.
It's only what? No.
Fibre. Get on or this podcast this.
Is do you do? Do you do minimum?
Fibre and I do minimum fibre but then you get add-ons too.
What do? You do can be pricey at this
time of year. Just I, I don't believe in them,
don't believe in a minimum. Just think people it's tough
time. So I'm just acknowledging your
economic situation. But if you want to pay a fibre
you can. But.
You know what I want to say is whenever I was featured on a
podcast. On I want to put pressure.
On your Patreon you were talking about pretend to die, Water
Brown, the worst banter I've ever heard.
I don't actually drink tea. I die.
And I went on though anyone who doesn't charge, that's per Yeah,
luckily your stand up's very good.
Yeah. Otherwise.
And you're going to watch any, any Christmas specials, any
comedies coming on. Christmas.
I'll just see what's on. Yeah.
I mean, yeah, like, well, I haven't, I don't know what.
Is there anything to recommend? Well, I'm definitely going to
watch my former best friend Tim McGarry and get my headpiece
because I do like to watch that at Christmas.
You know, joking aside, you know Tim is was a very good friend of
mine. Until he he mugged you so much
that time with the drug thing because it just you didn't know
where it came from. No and I mean I told him all
that in confidence and I didn't know he took a classes and it
was weird for me to see him. Like when you walk into a class
to try and share your problems and the person taking the class
is give my head pace in the blame games.
Tim McGarry, it is off putting. Yeah.
You know, And he was saying, oh, Dave.
And I was like, oh, no, Tim. I told him adding confidence to
sign a contract. And then he's out on your
podcast to millions telling people I have drug problems.
So I mean, I think it's only fair that I tell people what
I've what he's told me you. Know, John, I think it's quite
funny as well some people genuinely will have thought in
like the last six months or whenever that we we actually did
kind of fall out of it and not realise that like we do our our
podcast from the same. Yeah, I mean lesson we've.
Broken share a wall? Here we are, you know, in many
respects. Two different backgrounds, one
meeting point in the middle. We are all different, but we can
all be the same and love each other.
We don't need to put borders up. We don't need to let religion be
a divisive issue anymore in this country.
Just what I say come together but not COMECUM together.
Do you have a can we give like a nice Christmas message to the
people? Can I start?
Yeah, go ahead. I just want to say that I think
it's been a tricky 2020 for a lot of people, but I think
2021's going to be bespoke. Yeah, it's going to be Crown
fresh, it's going to become, it's going to be water.
It can be whatever you want it to be.
I mean, it'll start off a little bit cricket for sure.
There'll be a bit of lockdowns, you know, Butterworth can't get
to the spas. But we'll see when things open.
It'll be good. You know, my, my number one
squeeze. My my wife is getting the old
stabbing on Monday. What's that?
The ejection, the COVID vaccination.
Oh, really? He's a nurse.
Yeah. So she's getting that on Monday.
Was that the Ripper was back on the loose so.
She's getting that on Monday. So that to me was like, oh.
Will you vampire? Will you vampire?
The arm up after and just yes sucked.
Up blood. I will get it.
I mean, listen, I have had a lot of vaccinations over the years.
I've caught a lot of things I've cured.
Myself, a lot of Pokémon, you've got to catch them all.
Exactly, I've got a lot, but I just what I do is just take
vitamin C, zinc and D. Not often, but they just.
Oh yeah, yeah. The.
The recover, yeah. And that's how naturally my body
recovers. So, I mean, I have beaten a lot
of things, but that being said, if if the vaccination's
available to me, which let's be fair, I'm a very at risk guy,
I'm fat asthma dude. So I mean I should be getting
ejected. The worst Marvel superhero the
lot. Fat asthma, dude.
So I mean, I should be getting that into me soon.
And I'm saying, listen, strap me up.
You know, I've been strapped up before on a swing, made a
leather. But if that's what it takes to
inject me, do it. Pump me full of it, make me
better, let me back in the streets get and also get the tag
off my ankle too for other things.
Sweet related, right? Well, we'll leave it there.
Obviously our pods go out every week and the slide Guy podcast,
he will me check those out. I mean, we'll see you them
together. Yeah, for for a few things.
But yeah, it's been great to do this.
You know what? It's been a lot of fun.
It's been weird for me because I've just been recording my
podcast here with just Snake Wrap.
Yeah, people won't know that as well.
You poach the snake rot. Yeah, I.
Bought them basically out and you know Adam as well out and
the it's it's worth them but it's been fun to be in a podcast
once again with you guys to when I sometimes say things you look
very worried yeah at each other like on though what's happened
out there you know I don't listen I'm just the truth
spatial. Shoot from the hip.
It is what it is, a shoot from the.
What does the T-shirt say? The T-shirt says, you know, man,
it says destroy patriarchy, not the planet.
And that's me, you know, I'm just a, you know, I'm a feminist
guy. Yeah, I'm a feminist dude.
I've got two daughters and a wife.
You know, I, I support women massively.
And if any of those bitches have a problem being fuck off, you
know, So that's how I'm just a feminist dude.
I'm a voice of the people and I'm I'm a woman maker.
You're beautiful guy. I just, I just, my children are
women and I love it. You're a beautiful guy.
I'm a beautiful guy. I'll be on the frontline with
them marching against you. Fucking chauvinistic cunts.
That's you're going to get all right.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you all.
Merry Christmas to you we're. Back from weekly.
From No this was next year. Maybe we'll come back.
We'll just, we'll be, we'll call this a Santa Claus podcast.
Yep. We'll come back once a year.
Yep. That'll be a good time.
And you have to leave out some. You've got to leave some poppers
and Lamborini under the tree, yeah?
And also leave a couple of tiles out because we'll be in your
bath, yeah? Merry Christmas.
Good Christmas morning.