I'm Michael Che. And I'm Colin Joseph, and we've
got a little secret. Actually, it's a pretty big
secret. Well, now you got to give the
people something. I'm not saying a word.
Oh, then people will know to tune in.
Come on, tell them a little. Like how we're hosting of comedy
events streaming only on Peacock?
Exactly. How it's called New York After
Dark and it's a comedy show that only features drop in comic.
Boom, you nail into. Michael Chase phone numbers.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey. New York After Dark.
It's some kind of comedy thing, and it's streaming now only on
Peacock. You love it.
Oh, zippers, welcome to this episode of the Tea with Me
podcast With me, she and Todd. It's a good time.
It's a guest episode today. As you know, some people are
still going Where Where did the other episode of the week go to?
It's gone to Patreon kind of. At the start of lockdown we said
we're going to do 2 episodes a week, which was a big
undertaking. We're still doing that, but one
of the episodes is over on Patreon.
Pedro on the com slash TV with Me podcast.
Most podcasts have a Patreon. It's way for you to support the
podcast and get more content. So we put out a full length
bonus episode on there. We just put one out this week,
Rory Woods, and those episodes are a lot of fun.
And then of course, every day, Monday to Friday, I do the
breakfast brew, which is a morning podcast that comes out.
Episodes are like 25 minutes, half an hour, a little bit
shorter, but still good because you don't want, a lot of people
don't want a Big Breakfast. A lot of people like just a
smaller breakfast for on the go. And that's what this is.
We do a guest episode on Wednesday.
We have a live Zoom on on Friday.
And let me just say this, the one just passed there with Aaron
McCann and Dave Elliott was the wildest podcast I've ever done
because there was a moment where we were going to wrap the
podcast up. Someone asked a question,
because what we do in the in the zoom is we take your questions
and your topics and we get people to jump on.
And then a listener asked a question and it took us down an
Ave and I don't think we ever came back from it.
So if you subscribe to the Patreon, Patreon, the Conference
to me podcast, you can go back and listen to all of those.
Before I crack on, it's I mentioned it's a guest episode
today. Before I bring my guest on, let
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Or if you're a lady and you want to tell your guy in no unsubtle
terms that he needs to sort himself out, then that's what
you do. My guest today is my friend
Mickey Bartlett. I'm just bringing him in and
we're starting. That's just what's happening.
He's in, I think he's in Mick, we're in the episode.
I feel like I should warn you and tell you that we're in the
episode. Are you with me?
Can you hear me? All right, We're in the episode.
So I'm just letting you know in case you in case you want to
throw any slurs right there or anything.
We're live. It's happening.
Fantastic. Does it sound all right?
I'm using shit headphones so I hope it sounds OK.
You sound good and you look good.
Shit headphones. A new brand that you're the
ambassador of. Yeah, but it's the only kind of
influence I can get these days. Do we put a Taiwanese iPhones?
It's good to see you. I like your hoodie.
You know, I like, I like everything about you and what I
really like is you know you and we'll talk, we're going to talk
about shows and all that kind of thing.
But like you're doing, we've talked with this couple, you're
in the Ulster Hall, you're doing the Ulster Hall again.
I'm not going to be surprised if you're doing the Ulster Hall
again. The two real winners out of this
last year have been Pfizer and you.
Well, it'd be nice if we get to do the Ulster Hall at all this
year. He'll be fucking great.
But yeah, well, I'm just a big player.
You know what it's like once you breakthrough that sort of
feeling, you just become that. I think somebody tipped off you
and the head of Pfizer like some sort of corporate gig in Belfast
like last year and went, listen, the shit's about to hit the fan.
So just have a strategy for this because.
But I tell you about like the point where I was so drunk
during the first lockdown I was convinced I caused it.
No, but I begin to explore this theory.
So it's become an infamous, infamous night where I made
margaritas. I've got like drank all the
ingredients and at one point I went, do you know what?
Back in March, I thought, fuck, I would love a year off.
Was that out of it? I was like, I did this, I'm
sorry. Yeah, I mean it, it's been a
long, it's been a long year. We'll get the shows and stuff
like that at the minute. But what I want to talk to you
first about is something you're very passionate about and
something I got into because of you.
Have you any? They would have one I'm talking
about. Is it just comedy in general
isn't weapon? No, I'm not into them.
It's it's, it's Cobra Kai is what it is.
No mercy. No mercy, Baku.
No, I so I was, I'll be honest, I didn't get swept up in the
first wave of it. You told me about it at a gig.
You were like, man, see if you sign up to YouTube Red, you can
watch Cobra Kai. And I was like, mech, no one's
signing up for YouTube Red. Nobody wants to see a reboot of
The Karate Kid. And then this is a weird pattern
with you where like down the line, you're always having the
last laugh, you know, like, like COVID and shows.
There's certain times where I'm like a reverse hipster.
I'll wait till something gets cool, then when it dies off, I'm
like, I'm really into that and then it comes back.
So Karate Kid died off in 94, but I was like, I'm just going
to wait. Yeah, yeah.
Might be years and then it's going to come back and I'll like
told you. You've bought stocks and
Extravision recently. You know, you're like, listen,
trust me. It's going to be the reason I
kept that card, I'm telling you. Cobra Kai is is fucking class
and everybody loves it and it's the show people should watch at
the minute because it's just so like no matter what's happening
it's like feel good and silly and fun.
Because it's actually, when you really look at it, it's a
complete shite. Oh yeah, the acting.
What is so bad? It's terrible.
The fight scenes are terrible. Yeah.
But it's adorable. It's just really cute.
It's so good and the nostalgia of it is great.
The fact that it is, it is like the old cast, the episodes are
so short. I I absolutely love it.
Yeah, I think there's one in the in the first series where Johnny
explains his version of what happened in Karate Kid and
you're like. Fuck.
Man. You were the Margarita.
Go off. Johnny, Johnny know how you feel
it like I had a weird thing the other day where I I follow Cobra
Kai on Instagram. Why not 34?
You've also got a tattoo. But that wasn't even said that
like one of their posts was send us photos of your sweet Cobra
Kai ink and we'll share it in our story.
And I was like, what kind of fucking decade gets a Cobra Kai
talk to you completely forgetting, but I have a fucking
karate. Like I was washing my teeth like
oh fuck out is. Is is there a part of you Gen
like genuine question, is there a part of you like you put up
Instagram stories like obviously for a laugh where you've got the
numb chucks, you know, you're you're doing a little bit of
martial arts. Is is there a part of you that
thinks you know if it came to? Honestly, God, I swear to God, I
still like I'm 34 in March, right?
And I still like, I have this dream of like, I can probably do
that. And are you almost like, would
you love an opportunity to sort of showcase it?
Like what's the perfect scenario?
Walking back from a night out or?
No, that somebody opens a karate club near me to get to wear
pyjamas and shout, hey, yeah, like in a safe controlled space.
Like I why I did like when I was about 1415 of me, I did like
Taekwondo got a blue belt, right, Which is no, that's not
talking about. We're not serious yet.
But it was like fucking like it was in a, you know, like a
church hall, like Kia. And I always remember being
like, I know what to do if I get in the fight.
Like I fucking know what to do. Yeah.
And I was first year in uni, so I was like 1819 and the fight
kicked off in a bar one of my mates involved in.
And I was like, here, this is fucking, it's time.
And I, I remember, like who used to hear that shit?
If you do that in someone's nose, they'll put their nose
into their head. I remember like I almost said
our lecture, the fucking dude who taught Taekwondo classes,
like if you kick someone in the knee, you'll just break their
leg. And I was like, sweet.
And one guy wanted to fight me and I was like, well, I know
what I'm going to do. And I tried to kick him in the
leg and he just decked me. Like he just completely like, I
was pretty drunk. And I told this story for years.
And I like, I was like, who the fuck one son and turned around
and this massive dude was there and then he just hit me and my
mate's girlfriend was there and she's like, no, like I saw the
fight. He went, she went, you were all
over him. You just weren't hurting them.
So I was like. Just hardly.
Giving up the full fucking. Do you think was part of you
angry that you were like he doesn't know that you're
supposed to like you know he's supposed to come at you straight
on with the first? To be completely honest, he hit
me, I fail and got up. Like, yeah, good point.
Yeah, yeah, like I understand. I got into an argument my mate
Marty whenever Yeah, but 12-13 or so and I.
Just believe you actually have a mate called Marty.
What do you mean you just wouldn't see me as someone?
His name from Marty to Martin or something?
Martin Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I got into, I got into an
argument, my mate Marty and them and I just got into wrestling.
I got into wrestling a bit late. And again, bit like you were
called Bukai. I'm watching wrestling thinking
I'm sorted, I'm sorted. Yeah.
And it was a place called W Green in in the estate in
Hollywood. And I say stay in Hollywood.
Fucking gorgeous. You know what I mean?
Like it's an estate, but like, come on, it's.
A It's a cul-de-sac, like, yeah, yeah.
And I had no argue with him. And he said something about my
mum and I went right. And I genuinely put my hands on
my knees and remember the Rock used to do that thing where he
beckoned you forward with his hand.
I, with a straight face, called them out.
I'm beckoned them forward, gave my cousin my watch.
And then Marty just walked towards and smacked me.
I was like, all right, we'll leave it there.
We'll leave it there. But I mean that that was the
ruling. You don't.
You don't talk to someone bad. No, no, no, I, I remember a
great fight on a bus in Belfast where a guy was arguing with
another group or whatever and he goes, you're all talk and no
action. And the other fellow went unlike
your man, and it didn't make sense.
But the delivery of it was one of the best that one of the best
I've ever seen because yeah, it was one of those ones.
You count your weakness and act like you're hurt.
But if anyone said anything rude about your mom like it's not
it's not on like. Did you guys ever heard that
thing where like it was trying to keep your mother's name a
secret in school was just a fucking like like like however
we like we found that a guy, his mom, his mom, his name was
Sheila. So we just sang come to Sheila.
She'll make like like. See, for some reason, right, I
mean, there might have been other reasons in first year in
school, right? I was relatively popular first
year in secondary school, like I was I was getting on all right,
like I had quite a lot of mates. And then the at the start of
first day of second year, my mom bought like a second hand.
We, you know, Toyota MR2. Yeah, my mom's like I've always
wanted one of these cars, loads of miles on it, but got one and
it's like a wee like mini Batman car really.
And I got dropped off in it and I got bullied from second year
to 3rd year because my mag on them are two.
So on a Friday my mum would Daddy used to pick us up on a
Friday afternoon. So like Monday to Thursday, we
got the boss home with the rest of the, you know.
The mother. Just it was life lessons blend
in children. OK.
But there was one time, so we were driving behind the bus we
normally got and all the guys in the back of the bus saw me in
the front seat and they were like all that sort of stuff.
I'm thinking, don't give me the fingers in front of my mat.
And my mom was like cheeky me bastard fuck.
But then she went like and me and my sister were like stop
doing that, I mean. I did she not connected to what
it was no. Idea what it meant?
What's it mean? Your mom threatened to rim a bus
that's. Where to go?
But I'm so glad it was one of those ones where I was like, I
can't believe no one's ever brought this up.
Like the rest of the four years in school, which is like one day
someone's like Mickey's motherfucker.
Lunches dirty. My my dad was driving.
We were driving in front of the school bus going home once and
the boss was driving too far behind, too close to my daddy's
car. And my daddy's like fucking
fucking drove past to turn off for our house just so he could
the guy could keep being close to him.
And my dad hit the brakes, put the handbrake on and confronted
the school bus driver with me in the car.
And I thought, everyone's going to think my dad's like this
legend on hard man. And then Monday and school,
everyone's like, your dad's fucking deck players 20 minutes
late from school because you're 5 foot 4, dad, which is banging
the come on, 8. Come on 8.
Yeah, That's so funny that, like, you definitely didn't want
people to know your mom's name. And I don't know if you've ever
had this. One of the biggest fears was
people that you didn't necessarily know were like in
your year would get you would get your home phone number and
phone your house on like a Friday or Saturday night.
Yeah. You know, if there was a
voicemail, you might, your mom would be like, someone left a
voicemail on Saturday night in our house for like 10 minutes
and no talking. And you knew you're like, that's
somebody else in class all. Right.
There's definitely this type of things I do, those things you
think about even like in your 30s and you're just like, like,
and I was, I mean, too old to be doing this.
Me and my sister were having like a karate fight in the
living room one night. Like obviously I'd got my
Greenbelt that day. And two girls that I went to
school with and one of them I quite fancy to like walk past
our house and all this always like the silhouette of like me.
And like, by the time my dad gave me a donkey nip, do that
like he like basically squeeze his knuckles on my neck.
Oh, I I thought a donkey nip was donkey nip was inside your leg.
You know, like the. It might be, but he got me in
the neck with it. So like 2 knuckles together?
Yeah, yeah. And then you like nip it and
twist it. Why?
Was your dad? Why did your dad do that?
Because it looks exactly like a Hickey.
Shame. So what happened was I was there
in school the next day getting changed for PE.
Someone was like, yeah, it's kind of Hickey.
And I not even thinking about no no someone looks like my dad.
Thanks. Do you remember you really
wanted a Hickey? Not from your dad.
You really wanted a Hickey at the time.
And then and then as soon as you had it, you're like, Nah, I.
Know I don't want this, especially because a Hickey it's
never like a taxi, it just. Yeah, yeah.
Have you like? Yeah.
What's anybody getting out of it?
I remember like I think it was the first girl ever that was,
she was like, will you give me a love bite?
And I was like I don't even know how to and she literally went
suck my neck until your mouth hurts and I was like.
You were 24, like, all right. Sitting there in a Burger King
Hut? Really.
Yeah, Speaking of like people driving beside buses without
naming names, do you remember you were you were getting the
bus to uni one day and you saw you're an extra?
Guy Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've seen two people waking when I'm going to sit on a bus.
I've never. I've never seen that.
I've never. Seen you.
And one was the lorry driver. So like like you think of the
height of a bus and the height of a lorry, Kevin.
And I was just like the window, just looking.
And sure enough, this guy was just.
Were you just hoping to see when you're like?
You know what was really weird? You know, it was like, I
actually think I saw him doing it in his rearview mirror.
Oh, get you, get you. Know what I mean?
And then I was, I looked in. Sure enough, he's just, I mean,
like he wasn't even treating himself kindly.
Yeah. Yeah.
The kind of situation we want. Is this your first wank?
Because that's. Why didn't he just wait to the
to the apple green? I know.
I don't know why. It's just I was.
I suppose you must think you're carrying the world up that high.
Like I can probably have a wanker.
Yeah. I would love to yeah, take me
when I get to the top sleeve Donner and but it's a.
Maybe get the top of the stairs. So come up here.
I mean, yeah, as a, you know, truck driver, a lorry drivers
pulling over it like Apple greens and service station
stops, you know, for the night and stuff I would love to do.
Just let the prostitute it. I'd love to see ATV show where
you just surprise them and just put the camera straight into
their cabin and just see at that time what they're doing.
And you do this for maybe 100 drivers and just that's a,
that's a show. It's called.
Nothing would get delivered like lorry drivers were here but
that. But like I'm not even fucking.
I used to work with the girl whose dad was a lorry driver and
I remember her mom cracking up because his sleeping bag was all
stiff. Like a giant PITA.
A big crown cracker. I mean, I can't, well part of me
does say the fussing, the appeal of being lorry driver if you
like your own company and you just like the open road and just
get love. Podcast 1.
Yeah, much the Lorry Drivers just love podcast.
Like what made you want to Lorry driver be like just getting
through all this local comedy. There was a second and a half
hour podcast where two comedians, I thought, you know
what will help me like that? You never get time in the house.
To change up a bit, let me ask you this see doing the deck
chair and Yum's podcast where obviously use, you know, look at
different conspiracy theories and and talk about different
stuff. Do you this question I've always
wanted to ask you, Do you get many messages either like to the
Patreon or or privately of people being like, listen,
here's the real crack with this. Like is your is your inbox full
of a lot of like, mad shit? Not really because I it's
probably worse for Connor because I you know me and I
don't do the research or the homework.
I just, I'm just the looks for the audio podcast that Karen
Johnson. You get the odd like you get the
odd bit of stuff. But then I'm kind of really like
people send me stuff and if I don't look at it there and then
I'm just not going to look at. It right, right, right.
But I have there has been some, I mean, there's there's
definitely a point where we started doing this sort of the
conspiracy side of the podcast where Connor and I were both
like, what theft? Turn the Internet off?
Because this is fucking beyond the joke.
As in the stuff you were getting or then you would look into the
things you were talking about. You would just you would just go
down these sort of weird like within 5 minutes someone's like
Michelle Obama's a dude and you're like what the fuck?
Like which is insane. Like there's so many.
It sounds like I'm shitting on people that believe in
conspiracy theories. I'm not, but like there are
loads and loads of just. No and.
Fucking psychos. Yeah, and I think that's
something me and Connor talked about before of where he was
saying like the likes of people going, oh, Michelle Obama's a
guy, here's a Photoshop outline of her cock.
And it's like that then undermines genuine things where
you're like, you know, then you just see that as conspiracy
theories. So then if there is a real
conspiracy theory, you're like, but that's the same sort of
people that say Michelle Obama. That's the sort of weirdest, but
I find at the minute, even with all the COVID stuff and like,
everyone knows the jokes of like, just because your cousin's
brother works in a hospital, said it was grand, doesn't mean
it's grand. Yeah.
And then like when the Northern and Executive closed down pubs
and hairdressers, it was based off anecdotal evidence, which
means Robin Swan went, my cousin's brother went to the
hospital or went to the fucking hairdressers and he got COVID
dead. So we're close up, you know what
I mean? Yeah.
But I mean, that's like, I'm, you know, I'm like, oh, OK, you
know, keep doing the lockdowns, like or do one big one if if
it's going to help. But the only thing that would
make me say like fuck it every month for himself, Let's break
it and go on with their lives is if my hair need a cut.
I I'm 100%. I was like.
I think, I think society may fall because we all need a trim,
you know, like it's like survival or skin fate, you know,
and and I don't know what's going to happen, but I got mine
done at home and it's. It's all right, but I divide at
home like, but I'm with that weird like.
That's why I was. I don't want to go back to be
involved even though it's happening naturally.
Your hair, you and Dave can be like this to an extent as well,
where like you think you are out of the game, the hair game and
then all of a sudden you're like guess who's back in town?
And I don't know if user having multiple hair transplants by a
really you know a guy who can only do temporary ones or what
it is what it is user doing but like.
Hammer. Hammer Transplants.
The Dave, like you know, Dave is still like if you look at Dave,
though, it's all about the angle for him.
So on top, like he's got nothing on top, but he has a great line
at the front. So that's why he always kind of
keeps his hair back a bit. I'm always make sure he's he's
out of height. Yeah, See, I'm the opposite,
because mine's sort of because mine's been receding for years,
but it's starting to get thin, sort of here, right?
I have to kind of do that. Kind of like where it lies.
Yeah. Yeah, that's like I had a really
ugly uncle who used to just like he moved his head.
No, no, no, just me. Speaking of mutants, just me.
I just mean, he used to move his head a lot because he didn't
want people to see certain things on his face, you know?
I mean, so he never stayed in the same place for, you know,
more than a second. And he was just always kind of.
I used to work with a guy who just had no teeth and like
massive, like I don't know if there were boils or sis or like
just these huge lumps on his neck.
And out of all the people I've met in my life where I'm like,
you should care, I don't. You're fucking disgusting.
Like. And he just didn't give a shit.
Yeah. I almost admired him for it
because I would look at him and go.
I wouldn't leave the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I, I, I've
kind of I've in in lockdown. I see.
Here's the thing. I think, right, I think
sometimes I'm like, I'm a good looking guy, but I'm a good
looking guy from a dip from, from a middle distance, right.
And what I mean by that is like in normal circumstances, I'm,
I'm, I'm a very just like I'm a high average looking guy, I
would say. But from a distance, if you see
me at half a mile away, you might think I'm Tommy Hilfiger
model. See.
That's from half a mile. It's nice to hear you finally
admit that because I've thought about that.
I've realised that I'm not. I'm trying to do this and stand
at one point, but I like, I'm not a type I'm fetish like I've
found in my life that women that are attracted to me are really,
really attracted to them, but they're also terrified, like big
strong women like me. So what would you describe
yourself as? As a?
As a type. I don't know what it would be.
Like you might be a bit like you're a fairly rugged guy.
But then you're like a Burr. Would I be a Burr?
I think you might be a a big cub.
Maybe I will be a big cub that. Would be your truck driver name
Big Cub? Big cub, the dandy boy.
Is that me, Dandy boy? Yeah.
I mean, I don't know. I think I've.
I've always like, like, you know, I'll check my reflection
passing a car mirror, but I've never really looked at myself in
a standard mirror for that long. I'm a guy who likes to catch a
lot of glimpses of myself and not one long look.
But lock lockdown is meant I've had a long look and I've
accepted what I've seen and it's not what I thought it was but
I'm perfectly OK with it. I'm more of the I'll look at
myself like when I get ready, I'll look at myself like that
where I'll put my shoulders down a bit and be like, your belly's
not that big. You look all right.
The hair looks thick. And then I will avoid, yeah, I
basically catfished my own myself.
Like I'll not look at any fucking like because there's
times where I have caught myself in a like a shop window then
like you are a fat cunt. But you but you.
But you convince yourself you're a 21 Rep black.
PT but 100% Jamaican. It's the same as the karate
thing. I look at like CrossFit guys go
probably could. See.
See, like talking at the gym, right?
Everyone knows with the Jim Neury thing and all that kind of
stuff that's going on. The minute I fear social media
now more than I ever, I've always been like, you know, you,
we've talked about this before, but social media and sometimes
you, you say you're really into it and then sometimes you're
like, fuck social media, can't be dealing with it.
And you'll you'll take time away from it, which so many people
now do, you know, someone's like, I'm taking a month off
Facebook or whatever. I've, I've always been like, no,
I don't. I don't mind that a pick and
choose what to see. My timeline's not full of
anything too mod. It's mainly like football stuff
and, you know, male Abercrombie and fetch moles.
But but it's only like the last couple of weeks where I've gone.
Is there a way I could keep doing what I'm doing without
actively being on social media? Do you know what I mean?
Like, yeah. I've always been of the opinion
like if I didn't do stand up I wouldn't have it.
No, no, no, definitely. I, I just, I don't get why I get
the appeal of it, but I think for, I think for us as
comedians, like we know why we have social media and when you
see other people who just have it reacting to it like it's real
life and we're kind of a thing of this is only an advertising
tool. Don't think that's maybe sort of
keep it separate. But it's just, I like, I hate
it. Like at the minute I'm doing the
stupidest things I can do. I'll just put them on Instagram
because I also need attention. Yeah, yeah.
But I've the what the smartest I just I've turned on the
notifications off so I don't even.
Right, right, right. Yeah, I mean, I'm gonna, I think
I might have to do something like that myself.
AB I like it and I've always been, I've always looked at it
like ironically, a lot of the time, you know, when people post
cringe stuff, so you're like, what the fuck you doing?
Like I've always kind of in a way enjoyed that a bit.
And I like the voyeurism of like local influencers, you know,
things like that. I'm like this, I could look at
this for a long time, but I'm wasting time.
I'm wasting a lot of time doing that.
And it's that thing now you've comedy isn't really has become
way less sacred because if you have a mobile phone now and a
tech talk account, like you're you're a comedian.
Like people will be like, yeah, you know, I'm a comedian, a tech
talk comedian and that kind of thing.
I don't think that should bother me, but it definitely does where
I'm. Like you're not.
Yeah, I think it must be like whenever, if like Jimi Hendrix,
heard Scooter. Yeah.
You'll be like this is music to you.
Like shut the fuck. Yeah, yeah, I know what you
mean. That's a weird Jimi Hendrix.
Do you want to mean it's like that's a wee scooter.
I might be I it's just like, are we getting really annoyed?
Somebody, I don't even know who it was just some random like it
was a girl. She there was a video come up
with like a TikTok thing and she was doing an impression of her
like Spanish mom. And I was like, this is really
funny. Right.
But then like in her story, she'd like was just unboxing
free shit and then referred to herself as like a creator.
And I was like. You know what it's like people
like, call themselves an influencer.
It's like, in a way, calling yourself a hero.
Heroes don't call themselves heroes.
To me, anybody that says I wouldn't, it's just like it's,
it's like a society full of David Brents.
Yeah, yeah. And, and there's something where
like, it's like people who try and do it in Northern Ireland
that cringes me at the most. But it shouldn't because like,
in a way you're like, well, that's people want to do, that's
what you want to do. And we can like beat ourselves
down here. But there's just something where
I, I am just not comfortable with it.
And like as comedians, we kind of in a way have to be
influencers a wee bit. But it's by default of what
we're doing, you know what I mean?
It's not like. I just think it's not thing of
like, yeah, just like, was that rotten joke where everybody
became a makeup artist during the first lockdown?
Yeah. And it sounds really horrible,
but I've seen videos of people being like, hey, guys, So just
to let you know. And you're looking at them
going, nobody gives a fuck. Yeah.
Like, to me, there's times I look at Instagram and I'm like,
that's a mental health problem. And you just showed everybody,
right, right, right. Or the app itself is a mental
health problem and we've all got it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or I don't know, there's some
stuff that sort of creeps like the the whole thing of and I
don't know why I'm like into seeing this, but like when you
see people that like by followers and stuff like that.
Yeah, social media is a is a disease, but there's good things
about obviously too. We get to reach out to people.
People see your videos or and you know, they might go, oh,
like this guy might maybe go and see him live.
Like that's ultimately why most of us have social media.
So, so people come and see us live.
But like the idea that you can just be like, you know, it's
just the idea that you can alter the reality of what you're is is
scary like, and you understand why people do it.
Yeah, there's like I've been kind of obsessed with for ages.
Do you ever see someone's account and it's just all
selfies? Yeah, it's the same thing as I'm
saying about like when I look at myself the last time, like the
last time I look at myself in the mirror, you're looking at
people going. You think you look like that and
I've seen you and you fucking don't.
Yeah. Like that's one of the things
that like. But there's times I think social
media is just like 24/7 Jerry McKay.
Like you're watching and you're like, I fucking, I know you're a
nice person that I've met you and I've talked to you and
you're sound, but this fucking thing you're doing your phones
really winding me up and I don't know.
I don't know how to tell you, but you can't stop looking at
it. Yeah, yeah.
No, exactly. And then?
I feel like a psycho, something out loud.
No, I think that capsulates pretty much what I'm thinking
of. Like who has the bigger problem,
the people that do the content or us that give them the views?
Because we're weird or two for people younger than us, like
people who've had social media since they're in their teens,
like they, they think that's just how that it's such a big
part of their life. That's just the way it is.
Now do you know what? I was watching the documentary.
Well, this is so much like I was watching a thing called, it's
called Fahrenheit 11/9 with a Michael Moore documentary on
it's on Netflix. But it's all about like how
Trump got in and how the corrupt American politics and stuff is.
And there was a point where this the play of video of like a
school shooting in America as it's going on and somebody
snapchatted. Oh my God there's someone
shooting up our school with four fucking cry emojis.
Right, yes, I think I've heard about this.
As they're recording it and I'm like, how fucked.
Maybe it's just that's just normal for a teenager.
That's how they just communicate now.
But to me I'm like, why take the time to write a fucking emoji?
I mean, it's probably that thing of like you see something
terrible happen at the minute, a fire or whatever, someone
getting mugged and it's been filmed by 10 people and people
are like, well, that's the way it is now.
But it's just because we have phones.
There still would have been the same moment.
The people probably standing and go, but they just have a phone
in their hand. But but I know what you mean.
It was like me and when I did Collins podcast, like last week,
there was girls who got stuck up the morns, they got stranded and
they were Snapchatting the whole thing where the air ambulance
was physically picking them up. They were Snapchatting.
And it's like you have to be able to separate, like you have
to understand why that's not a good thing to do.
Yeah, yeah, 100% yeah. If you couldn't be that afraid,
if you're being like, oh, delete it, do it again.
Exactly. No, I don't know.
I was going to chat to you about gigs and I mean, I it depressed
me when I'm it depressed me when I'm like, so when do you think?
And all because, like, I mean, we, we don't know.
I've, it's taken a year for me to lose any optimism.
Like I've still been like 6 more weeks.
It said six weeks, it said six weeks.
And now I'm like, I don't even think I'm a comedian anymore.
I think I'm just some fucking loser lives in his math.
Well, are you? Are you writing?
Are you? Not this, not this time around.
I think I was writing quite a bit.
Like even when we came back in sort of August, September time,
I had quite a bit of new stuff. But oh.
You took a drink? I thought I would as well.
So. I like that.
Masculine, yeah. It's Lambrini.
I know. So that's just Jim.
But no, I haven't really been writing as much this time around
because I'm like, I kind of, I need to be, I need to know I
have a gig coming up to really put the pressure on me to go,
OK, yes, what do we want to talk about here?
And I found that what was happening was anything I was
writing, I'm like, well, that's not going to make sense in six
months. Yeah.
Yeah, material just fucking die. It's not topical after a month
anyway. Yeah, so I'm just going to wait
until I know when. When you can do something.
Yeah. I hope we can do like marquee
tent type stuff when the weather starts to get good again.
That would be class. All right, I'll do it.
Like anything at all would be just great.
I've never, ever, I'm not going to like, I don't want to do any
more Zoom gigs. No.
No and I am never doing a car park gig again like.
I I got into watching vlogs of comedians doing like car park
gigs and all that kind of thing. Drive through gigs.
No, I'm glad. Well, I was going to say I'm
glad I didn't do it. I probably would do it for the
curiosity of it, but. It's kind of like, it's like
doing TV warm up. You're like, I'm glad I've done
it so I know what it feels like. They hate something.
I remember, I remember you did. I mean I did warm up too for no
have you don't know them before. Yeah, I did it once and then
immediately sex like. So I did, I got asked to do it
and it was 1010 episode run and the first one I go down of a
dressing room. I was like fucking Alice's class
food late on. Go do 15 minutes.
The Nolan TV audience destroy like kill.
It's amazing. I'm like, I'm doing a bit of
crowd work. I'm doing material.
I was like, I don't know why they have a stand up warm up
before a serious political debate show.
But anyway, this is brilliant. And then the next week I went
down and they were like listen with no we didn't mean to PSC
give you a dressing room last week.
You OK to not have one? I was like yeah it's grand.
I had a bad gig the next week, got a bad gig.
I had a bad gig for the next 9 weeks.
It was just a fluke that the first one just happened to be
good. But you're looking at people in
the audience that are waiting to talk about the most horrific of
things. So angry, like I, I did it.
The one that was it was actually, I think it was the
pilot of becoming like Nolan live.
It wasn't a live show, the one I did.
And there's a guy, I think I've told this story in your podcast
before me, but there's a guy in the front row who, so my
material was just dying like, and it was.
How long? Yeah, it was like 1520 or
something like that, but it was my like warm up gold.
I don't enough it to be like this is it was my BBC Northern
Ireland said it had class like it had knew what I mean.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was like big bangers, like, yeah, yeah.
And nothing was happening. And I'm like, fucking do that
like that proper. I don't have you ever had it?
Like you're dying so bad and there's like, there's no noise.
Yes, all of a sudden you're freezing.
Yep. Well then I go the other way, I
I get. Roast I get, I get so fucking
cold. I'm like, Jesus Christ, right?
But there's a guy in the front row who he was wearing a
pinstripe suit and his hair slicked back with a fucking like
a rose and stuff. And I'm like, look at you.
But like trying to make a godfather.
Bit of a gangster joke. And as I'm saying it, I'm like,
I recognise him from TV. Turned out he's one of these
really kind of sort of late, like mid to late 90s flamboyant
paramilitary. Fuck.
Right, so I'd be like, you're a bit of a gangster.
And I swear to God, he just like like that.
And the floor manager's going just wrapping up, maybe just
wrapping up. It was horrible.
Yeah, I got lulled into such false, false sense of security
doing that because the first one was so good.
And then the secretary, they just didn't even tell me that my
Mcfetridge was doing it. They were like, listen, I never.
Combined I've done like I've ever getting.
I've got sacked off loading them.
I've got sacked off after odd Gilbert.
I did one of those and at one point they built a box and ring
in the middle of the studio and they were like, can you do warm
up during the So I'm trying to be like, hey, where you from?
And there's like, and then the next week they were like,
listen, what do you think? It worked?
And I'm like, well, of course not.
You're trying to get me to do stand up during, which is
essentially a construction site after recording for four hours
when everybody wants to go home. Like I'm not a, you know.
Yeah, you don't want to be supported by riveting.
Yeah, it was like I did it for like it was my sort of biggest
source of income for about a year.
I. Remember you were doing the
flat. I've seen you do 3 1/2 hours I
think at sketchy. Yeah, that was a rough one.
Like that was. And again, it's kind of a thing
where like Sketchy was all right because it was a comedy show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But doing them for non comedy or
like you're just like I did one for like Stephen Nolan had a
Christmas show called 5 Gold Rings.
Yes, a game show. And that was about 4 1/2 hours.
Jesus. And I remember just beast just
running out of stuff and at the very end, like the I don't know
if he was the director or floor manager, not sure, but he was
like Mac need you go on to another 10 minutes just to reset
this. And I went you can suck my Dick.
Like I literally just went no, like people.
Oh Christ, because you're the only person not in the credits
so it's the most thankless job in TV.
And sometimes I think people would prefer the audience would
prefer just a fucking break. Just like there's definitely
times where like I've been, you know, doing warm up and all
they're doing is watching the camera reset.
Like, oh, that's interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, do.
You know what I mean? I remember like Andrew Maxwell
being like people who make TV don't know that nobody wants a
warm up, but nobody's telling them because everybody wants the
gig. Yeah, yeah, the guy that did the
BBC Three thing stand up for live comedy was one of the best
warm up guys I've seen. Yeah, because he had that thing
of like material and crowd work like any, any good.
But but but I think he's like near nearly like a professional
warm up guy. Yeah, there are.
I think there's like there's maybe four or five guys that was
kind of their main go to guys because I was getting big shows
at one point because they couldn't do them.
Right, right, right. Yeah, I was terrible, that one.
I mean I was how long did? You do that for.
It was the first series that that Chris Evans, well, the only
series Chris Evans involved in, right.
So it was like, I didn't know of any episode, maybe 10 weeks.
Chris Evans and Matthew No. Matt LeBlanc.
Matt LeBlanc And you did like that's one of those ones where
like now I'm thinking back and I was like, did that am I make?
Did I dream? Not that Mickey didn't know for
Top Gear. It was one of those situations
where I was like, how the fuck did I get?
What? What the?
What's the process of that? I wouldn't.
I wouldn't have a clue. You don't want much for that.
It's it's like the actual like on the deck.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, it's just terrible
because it's such a big show, so I would get there.
I always like, I always get down really, really early from doing
warm up because there's something about just being
around the venue that helps me just like relax, not even relax.
It's more a case of like getting me more.
It's more like getting amped up. Right, right, right.
Yeah. Yeah, you know what I mean.
And then because it was in London as well, it was like, I
don't want to take the chance of just messing a tree in or
something going wrong, so I'll just get here early.
Fuck it. So I'd be hanging around all
there. They've been like, do you want
some lunch? And I'm like, I can't eat.
I can't eat a bite because I just it was every week when it
was. Oh Christ.
Like basically because the audience are all just
surrounding wherever they're shooting in the in the studio.
Once they've finished that shot, the audience all just fucking
move. So all of a sudden your front
rows, your back row ready like ongoing jokes with audience
members, right. I remember one point like there
was a guy in a Ferrari jacket and obviously you see somebody
from here in a Ferrari jacket. That guy drives a Ford.
Yeah, yeah. But you just love nuts corner.
But on Top Gear that guy has a Ferrari.
So I was like, where the Ferrari jacket?
What are you really driving? He's like, I drive that.
I'm pointing it like a half £1,000,000 car and you're like,
yeah, my walk deal with stuff doesn't beat.
Yes, the fact. These people love this shit.
Yeah, yeah. So it was just like, I remember
like Kevin Hart was a guest on it and I was eating Dick and
there was a really nice one where I walked past them and it
was like 2 comedians going like do like, like that's happened a
few times on different shows I've worked on, but there's been
a stand up on it being like, I've been there.
Yeah, but. You just don't like stand up.
There's nothing worse than stand up for people don't want or know
what's happening. You have to know like music's
fine like for that kind of thing, but you have to be like
going to see stand up SAP face in the stage and, and so.
Into music's fine, like I know a lot of people that like go to
see music gigs and all they do is complain about people just
talking over it, which must be a pain in the hole.
Because I do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like I've been in situation where there's a band playing
bands class but someone says do you want to pint?
And all of a sudden I'm like, I saw them one time and then it's
just. Yeah.
But yeah, trying to force stand up in the like in the people's
faces is just especially when you're the stand up.
Let me, let me ask you this, speaking like music and stand up
and you know, when things can happen again, say the government
was like, listen, we're going to go into another shutdown.
But what we're going to do is we're opening everything for a
day. Yeah, for 24 hours, everything's
open. You know, shops, bars,
restaurants, whatever you want. What would you go and do?
Gig all that. Yeah, just like just.
Like I would just go right show to show.
We're just going to go fucking 9:00 in the morning right
through to whatever time of night.
Fuck would you how how class would that be to do AI like bar
crawl? Yeah.
So would you, would it be the same audience or are you going
to a different audience every time?
Yeah, I would go to different ones.
I'd just be like, I would do it just like a day in Edinburgh
where you just go, we're gonna run and do 15 minutes here.
Do. Breakfast stand up you do you do
like a you do like a 9:00 show in the morning Yeah, do like an
11 or one A3 like every other are although they'll be so glad.
That would just be all day like. And then?
That's the one thing I miss the most, is like, even I was really
glad the Edinburgh friend was cancelled.
Was this the first year? Was this the first year in seven
years I've had like extra money? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sorry, had some money or any money, but that's the one thing
I miss. Was like a Saturday at the
Fringe. You'd be up, you'd be gay for
11:00 in the morning. Yeah, just running back and
forward like doing 15 foot here, you know?
And you complete like everyone. We all complain so much about
that at the time, but how much would you give?
To just like that was that's the thing I love the most.
I think that's kind of, it suits my kind of like, especially
because you're just running in, you're not trying new stuff.
It's like you run in and just crushing it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All day and then you go to bed
like. Yeah, or you do that thing at
the Fringe where you're like, see, in my spots, I'm going to
write some new stuff and then I'm going to work material.
In fact, I'm going to write my next year show at the Fringe.
And then you do one bit of new stuff at a spot for the seven
people and you're like, Nah, let's stick with the.
I hadn't won the last time I did.
It was a Tuesday night, so the last Tuesday for me was always
just the worst, worst gig of the run, right.
So for the last couple of years I just like I just done a drunk
like fuck it, there's no one here.
I'll just get pissed and then I'll go in and just fuck about.
Yeah, and whatever. And for some reason it was sold
out like this one shoes in out and I in my head, I didn't even
know. So that like the front, the
house guys didn't even tell me it was packed.
So I just walked out and there's 100 people there and I'm half
cut with all this new stuff in my head.
So like I started doing new stuff and I was like fucking do
the thing that PED to come and see died like just for an hour.
Did you? Get caught in between where
you're like, maybe I can mix them.
Up. Yeah, there.
Yeah. There was a point where it was
like, why you do this thing? Makes sense.
What are you doing? And then I found out that, like
Emily from friends, what's her name?
The. Oh yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the English actress. Yeah.
She's like come in with her mates because someone was like,
this guys really, I don't even know why, but it was just one of
the situations where I was like the one night where there's
somebody you really want to impress.
Yeah, yeah. Because I mean, that can make
your fringe if Emily from friends at the end of the shows,
like really enjoyed that. You're like, yeah.
It sounds so stupid, but it's like, because you're so tired.
Anybody going? That was great.
Yeah, you're like, I've lost 12 grand.
I mean, I don't know if I've told you this story, but do I
probably told you it again last time We're podcasting, but it
all blends into one. Two years ago doing the fringe.
Yeah, two years ago. And you were there, Aaron,
Robbie, a couple others and I said I'm going to do the Fringe
and we'll do 2 shows, 2 shows in one day or two shows in two
days. Anyway, I'm going to do a 60
seater venue, small venue. I'm going to do 2 packed shows.
I'm staying one night in Edinburgh and then I'm going
home. It's going to cost me nothing.
I might make a few quit. I'm consolidating a month of
gigs and they're just two shows and I booked the assembly for
like 1 of the good venues. We basement venue in there, good
setup. Brought William over to open for
me, did a maybe I maybe brought William open to do sport gigs
were class. I was like this is unreal.
I didn't go in the fringe brochure or anything just like
put a couple of posts. I was like I've cracked it.
And every year I'm just coming to Edinburgh for 3/4 shows Max
and I booked in like a decent hotel because it was like money
going for a night then. I.
Got home pay I'd paid for the hotel.
I think my hotel was like £350 for the night, which isn't even.
You'll know isn't even a good hotel in Edinburgh, IN.
August Yeah, I can be an Ibis. Yeah, it was a, it was the Utel
Japanese brand, right. So I'm in the Utel and there and
I got home and it's but a month later I got an e-mail from
assembly, the venue and they were like blah, blah, blah,
invoice for £900. And I said yeah, yeah, no
problem. And who do you sort of make it
out to you or whatever? And they have, I told you this,
no, no. And they went no, no, no, we're,
we're going to send you an invoice for £900.
Jesus Christ, I did. 2 sold out shoes, 65 people.
I think it was like an 11 quid a ticket and I owe them about
£900. It's insane.
I like even just doing the taxes during the week and I looked at
the entire breakdown of it and I was like, what in the name of
Edinburgh? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's not even including like my accommodation, the extra
money I spent on a flyer and team that I stupidly paid cash
and didn't get a receipt for so can't even fucking came back.
And you're just looking at the whole thing and going like, so I
think my show I made £750 on the show which people go that's
great, but I'm like, no, I still lost 4 grand of my own money.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I work my balls off for a month
like it's it's second. Well people, the fact that the
Fringe was cancelled after the Olympics last year just shows
you how much of A money machine it is like.
Yeah, yeah, unlike this set, it fuels the city of Edinburgh.
I mean, I know the the residents say they hate it, but like, if
you own a business in Edinburgh, you're going to be OK for you
just get to August and then you're all right.
Yeah, it's. One of those I kind of get
really, if you're out flying, it's happened to me a few times.
Like I've handed a flyer to someone and then they're just
bitching about me in like to their weight when I'm still
there. Like I just hate the friends.
Like you're trying to have a conversation.
Other people are coming down handing your Flyers and I'm
like, we'll go to a pub where it's not in.
Glasgow I mean fuck off, don't come into this.
Where there's loads of shows on, I didn't get annoyed because
someone's like, would you like to see one?
Yeah. I I was a good flyer.
I wouldn't have never flyer from my own show.
Just I didn't want people to ask me quick go, are you funny?
I just I don't like I would get someone else to do it, but I
used to flyer for Chris Kent and I was I was good.
I was good. I like I was a good flyer.
Yeah, technique because it just takes care of the crowd.
Work because I don't mind. Kind of.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Being.
A deck Would you be an idiot and then because you there's times
you can definitely notice this but like when I did the free
fringe, which I'll definitely we do it again if it comes back
that was it was just problem solved.
You just got to start everyone we talk to, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Ah, the fringe.
I mean, I was planning to do it last year and then I was like,
oh, maybe I'll do it this year if we get to do it.
But now I'm like, I don't know about next year if it's on.
I don't know if I would do it. I.
I don't think, I think it'll be 2023.
Well, it's definitely not going to be as big as it was, I don't
think. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And kind of that's a good thing because it was too big.
It was, it was ridiculous, like. Maybe the likes of the three
sisters that have like courtyard type things, maybe that's maybe
that's the way to go. Well, that's why I was I was
planning to go to a bar next door to the stand.
The nightcap, it just has a wee sort of down to like a 40
theatre just because, and it was, it wasn't even like a busy
part of town, but it was like it's going to cost £150 and not
12 grand. Yeah, Who do we did you ever
get? Did Steve Coogan come to see
your show? No.
No, I met him. So I was over.
I was just in a bar or in the the underbelly.
What the the abattoir. Yeah.
And a guy that I'd. So Steve Coogan was just there
having a pint and a guy that I know who works as a producer.
BBC was like, fuck Steve Coogan. Fuck Steve Coogan and I'm like
mate, chill out. Like there's loads of famous
people here. Yeah, yeah.
He was like, I want to go talk to him and I was like, well, I'm
fucking going with you like and then the guy was like he was
really sad because the the the producer and his his girlfriend.
He's also comedian were both property like.
I'm like, well, do I know this person?
You might think Richard. Nah.
Nah, I'll tell you. I'll tell you all of her.
But there were both just like, I mean, they were both shit faces.
Well, we're all drunk. And I went, I just want to see
like the the Irish guy singing the IRS songs in Parkinson.
I went, that's literally one of the funniest things I've seen in
my life. And he was like, oh, just
fucking. I was like, your impression was
fantastic. And he went, I grew up with
people like that, you know? And then he was like, here's a
flyer for your show. And I'm like, thanks for taking
it. But yeah, like, and then I
immediately felt bad for for being like, thanks for taking.
I know you're not coming because that's such a fucking needy
thing to do. Yeah, yeah.
People in the go and like. Yeah, yeah.
You see so many comedians over there, like at 4:00 in the
morning being like, why didn't you come see me and someone?
Yeah, or like or people just gravitating towards.
There's nothing worse than like when you see somebody famous and
then you see comedians edge their conversation closer to the
person. It's like I don't go and say or
or don't. Yeah, it's that kind of
situation where like the Gilda balloon bar that everyone talks
about, like when someone walks in and somebody could be like,
yeah, she agreed to see you, and then they go like that two
seconds and they're just gone. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and you're like. Yeah, they're like, oh, I've
just got to go there fucking, you know, trying to think of a
friend of ours who would make this funny, but I can.
Yeah, the. Only guy that was in every bar
at once. I know, but he's, I remember one
time he turned up, I had like a really heavy night out and I
came out of my show and Jamal, which is there with the swimming
bag, he's like, I've just been to the pool, He's going to go
for a pint. And I was like, I can't even
fucking think. Like please no.
I've got a visual idea in my head of Jim Owen just very
slowly but gracefully breast stroking through a pool.
And there's something very tranquil about that for me.
Very. I, I, I'm a thing where I, I
believe that he, yeah, he's doing it, but he doesn't even
have his nose. It's just the eyebrows.
Just to see if people laugh. I've got them.
I've got questions here from from listeners.
Let's get stuck in a few of them.
And Oh yeah, the picture I put up of us was at the wrap party
for our award-winning sketch show.
Laugh out loud. Lol, trying to think was that,
was that the one? It was?
And yeah, and look, you and I just wrote said did you book
swap outfits for the pitcher? No, but we were drunk enough to
have done that. Yeah, that way I could have been
a potential. That was a very joking night.
We went to rain, remember? We went to we started upstairs
in murals was like the official kind of party and you may give
us you may give a speech. I don't remember that.
Yeah, yeah, Ray, the producer was as a joke, like, why don't
you guys get up? Speech, speech, give a speech,
Did not want us to do it. And you and me got up and just
like did a very, very funny joint speech.
Well, we were thanking. People, there's a photo from
that night where like, it's all of us in rain and everybody in
that show still looks great now except me.
And in the photo I'm looking at someone's general.
I'm like, well, that's what happened.
It's a snapshot of complexion. I mean, there were three.
Yeah, I mean, if, if that night out happened now, if like the
venue, that's rain. If you walked in and you saw me,
you call him Ashlyn B, Yasmin Akram and whoever else should be
like, what the fuck is going on? How do these people know each
other? I know.
Fucking hell. Matthew Merlin says, would you
accept the spare vaccine if they called you right now?
That's a great question. And yeah, I think what he means
is like, well, I'll interpret it this way.
Say you know, someone that works for either like, you know, a
medic like the NHS or, or whatever or, or, or one of the
big pharma companies and they're like, listen, got a few vaccines
left over here. Yeah.
You're not taking it away from someone.
It's just, it's going to be, it's going in the bin anyway.
You may as well leave it. Would you?
Would you get it? No, I'm kind of like, I think
like let the people that really need it and really, really want
them to get it first, but it's. Going in the bed if you don't,
is this a play way of you saying you don't want, you're not
hungry, you don't want it? I'm all right, thank you.
No, it's not like I would have poked with this one where I'm
like, if I fucking have to get it, I'll get it right, Right,
right. But at the minute I'm like,
because it, it doesn't stop you getting COVID.
It just like produces the symptoms.
Yeah, but for somebody in their 30s who's reasonably healthy,
the symptoms aren't that fucking bad.
So I'm like, I'll just text. Well.
You might not have a choice because you know, what they're
going to do is, I can't remember who was talking about in this
podcast before, all the sort of teenagers in high vis that
worked on at the test centres, you know, like waving in and
stuff. They're giving them blow darts
and vaccines. I've heard that in the next
couple of months and they're just going to say like run a
boat and just get people so. I'll tell you what, like I
wasn't even up for getting tested for it and then I found
that they're going to swab your arsehole and now I'm like, sign
me up. I've done up before tests, I've
already taken just. Every day you're like, well, we
tickle here. I think I've gone as I'm away.
I'll be back in a minute my cut the arse into my jeans.
The way to get tested. Oh, it's not the cotton, but
don't. Try to kiss it and go me.
Listen, I know you have to do my throat too, but listen, they
are, they are after it's actually.
Turning up a bottle of poppers. Fucking test me twice.
Oren OK you're there at noon is any 4:00 to Oren OK and says any
England and wind venues might open again.
Fuming here on the Lisburn Rd. A fuming fuming on the Lisburn
Rd sounds like a local rappers album.
Now we could spend our time. I think it was, I think what
happened to me on a real when I went to Chalcos and it was
closed when. You went to where?
Chalcos and they closed. I was just fucking stand there
fuming. What is that a chippy or a
burrito place? You ever?
Did you ever go to Chalcos? Is this on Botanic?
No, it was enlistment Rd. It was like no, no, it was
class. It was.
Many people believed it was superior to Budgum at the time,
but we'll not go into that. It's another conspiracy theory
for later on. It's a big one that no one's
talking about. Well, I'd listen.
Black beans fuck up. Matt says if Mickey and Aaron
trying to figure out what iron he's talking about will go with
which iron do I think he's talking about?
I'll know by the end of the question, I reckon.
If Mickey and Aaron were the were your only options as
babysitters for you to take a nice romantic weekend, who who
would you pick to look after your child and how scared would
you be so? If I would say no matter what it
is, my advice to you would be let me do it.
I think, I think he's talking about Aaron Butler, because when
Butler was on the podcast, I think we talked about that.
And so I would say, yeah, that's what it is.
Aaron Butler is Dave's daughter, Matilda's godfather.
I'm his other daughter, Holly's godfather.
I said to Dave, you better hope you don't die because Holly will
be OK. But you know, But Matilda, like,
I don't. I don't know what I'm going to,
I think. Matilda would grow to be a gay
wee boy. I think, I think, but I think
Butler would surprise you. I think, I think it's hurts.
In the right place, he'd do a good job.
But who would I pick as a babysitter?
I mean, you definitely have experience with your nephew.
Yeah, I'm like I'm a baby whisperer.
Yeah, I've heard this. Colin told me that, he said.
I can't remember what we're saying.
Eagles. Mickey is very good with
children. Yeah, just the wee fuck it.
I just, I just like, especially whenever they're old enough to
start throwing, like hitting and stuff.
And my nephew's 2 now and I'm we've got a great thing going
on. You taking them to you tune to
the church hall. He's got exactly, yeah.
Certain certain out you're a Nissan.
Wax bottom we burn on chucks and stuff.
Yeah, I'd have. I'd have.
I'd have no problem with that. I'd have no problem with you
looking. After I don't know if no one
takes us yet, I'll be like, listen.
It's been fun, but yeah. Yeah, we're not there yet.
Well, the good thing is, like me, he does not chip.
Oh, really? Yeah, just.
At all or just like? No, I'm like Kim Jong Un.
I just, I just don't take me and Baby Spice.
We just, we just don't. You still do it?
Yeah. No, it's a very.
Don't once. Once it no, I do.
But once a year I go to Tollymore Forest and I go to a
certain enchanted little lake and then I just put my pants
down there and just put it and then just that's me for the
year. Yeah, because it blows the
whistle. Yeah, yeah, just flies off.
Yeah, I went there once. As weird as fuck.
Tallymore, don't you? Usually you're not really an
outdoor guy, you're more. No, I like the shit.
I like the shit in the house. That you're human?
Yeah. Are you weird about where you
shit? Not as much as I used to be like
I think just from like from doing stand up and being away so
much. You just like, yeah, it doesn't
matter. But I do have like if I will
locate the nearest Wetherspoons because I have learned that
years on the road have taught me that's the safest, nicest places
yet. Oh, I mean, that's going to
surprise a lot of people that like you think it's a well
maintained sort. Of they've got big, big, big
doors where you're in, you're not necessarily in a cubicle,
you're in a small en suite. Oh, right.
OK. Regularly, You know, I remember
one time flying back to New York and before got in the plane, I
was like, I think I might need one.
Looked at the toilets at New York airport.
Just went I'm not doing that, Yeah.
Yeah, airport. What is it with an air?
For some reason the airport is that maybe people have been
holding it for a while or something.
But an airport is not good, I found.
I mean, you can't. Most hotels are good.
Yeah. You know if you.
Just usually good. Yeah, I know.
Like I've had situations where flying to Australia we're like
stopping in Abu Dhabi and there's a massive queue and I'm
like, I want to use the hole in the ground.
Fuck it. And I could not figure out the
mechanics of actually just, I was like, do you take everything
off and then shit in the hole or are you supposed to just move
your jeans and go for it? Yeah, take it.
I'd take. I'd go down to the ankles.
By the time I'd done all the calculations, somebody knocked
the door and I said, well now I can't go.
Is there something for you to hold on to?
No. There is, I think, I think it
was the sort of we handle thing, but it was just like.
Yeah, I think, I think I'd be OK with that.
Like, yeah, I had to during the summer.
I was out for a run and I had to go.
Outside. Yeah, just literally at the
site. Yes, just at the side of the
just at the side of the road in a, in a, in a, in a Bush.
Now, how do you what did you do to work with Rome?
So first of all, I. Your dad's probably all right
enough. It's not an issue.
It's not really an issue, but I did it so fast because I read
Andy McNabb said that through his experience in the Army.
If you, if you do quick, if it's a clean break, you're probably
going to be OK. Don't waste your time.
So I, I just had a clean break and I was relatively OK.
I mean, I wouldn't go seeking it, you know what I mean?
I like indoors but. I do a thing where I'm quite
regular when it comes to shit as well.
Shit first thing in the morning, but then I will also make sure I
have a shit before I do a worker.
Right, OK. I I would like, I don't know, I
don't know if most people do that.
I would just make sure I'm completely empty before I do any
activity have. You ever needed to shit on
stage? No of like I've ran off stage
needing the piss. I don't even think I have.
And you know, you and me might do a 7080 minute show.
Yeah, and that's weird that you would never think to, but it's
the adrenaline thing, isn't? It I do remember one time having
a stomach bug and I was doing support for Katie and we were on
at the waterfront and dear McCoy was so we were both doing
support and he was bringing me on from the off stage.
Mike and I was like I need to go now yeah I'm going to shit
during your set yeah and the mic wasn't working and he was like
no, he's trying to call me back and I was like I don't give AI
just walked out cold 2000 people just like yeah this has to
happen now yeah also one time doing a corporate yeah it was
pretty rough, but yeah the shit tends it tends to be like you'll
be fine for half an hour or an hour and a half whatever yeah
but a piss is like if I. Do you need to go?
Yeah. Yeah.
All right. Well, on that note, I think
we'll wrap it up. I'm going to let you go.
It's been a good time Deck Chair and Youngs is killing it.
Check us out, we've got a camera online so we're on.
Great podcast, I saw that. Are you doing public like
YouTube videos or the the video episodes are for Patreon?
The video at the minutes just for Patreon, because we've we'll
have the trend pay the guy who's filmed it in Edinburgh because
we don't have any computers, right.
So at the minutes just for Patreon, and then I think we'll
start releasing some stuff after we've got a few in the bag kind
of thing. I like it.
I like it bro in. Business sensor.
All right, to chain, I haven't finished this series of Cobra
Kai, but I'm going to over the next week and I'm excited about
it and I'll be thinking of you. Thanks very much but I haven't
finished this series of Queer Eye but.
I mean, if you put them all in a pot, this is what you're getting
when they come out. Yeah, unintended.
No, there is. There is actually one I look
like. Oh, is it red?
Yeah, the black. You do have that thing where you
look like you do have that kind of handsome, I look like
everybody kind of thing going on.
I I mean, I look like I could be from a lot of different places.
I could be Scandinavian, it could be German, it could be
Spanish, I could be from a lot of places.
I don't know what it is, but my face, but it's a very like if
you were creating a character on a computer game, you might start
with my face. Do you know what I mean?
Like it's a standard. Yes I've got I think my face is
if it's a computer game thing. Mine is one of those non
playable characters that gives you information about your
quest. You can maybe like Master Todd.
Can you do me a favour and, and someday just in real life when
I'm like going to buy shopping or something, can you just pop
up from somewhere and just guide?
Me. You don't have enough silver.
For some reason you're half frog half man.
Not even in the game. Oh, that's enjoyable.
All right, well, I'm going to let you go, but great to chat to
you and that. Yeah.
Cheerful in the pod. What day?
Tuesday. Tuesday morning.
Tuesday morning and you just do a quiz on most Fridays, yeah.
Or Friday nights. So cheers.
Join on speaker if you want to. Ask me any question, like one
question just the leaves on that you've had recently that stands
out. Maybe a?
General knowledge, How are you? I'm 90% good.
I had a wobble last week and mainly because I'm missing stand
up a lot and I hadn't really thought about that and processed
it and I was just being a bit glum.
But it was mainly because I didn't know why I wasn't feeling
like myself. And then it was like I haven't
done the thing that I have always done for the last 1314
years of my life. So when I thought about that,
I've been better since then, Right?
Good. How are you UK?
Dead omen, plenty of skipping. Yeah.
So. Yeah.