I'm Michael Che and I'm Colin Jose, and we've got a little
secret. Actually, it's a pretty big
secret. Well, now you got to give the
people something. I'm not saying a word.
Oh, then people will know to tune in.
Come on, tell them a little. Like our hosting of comedy
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And it's a comedy show that only features drop in comic.
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phone. Nervous.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
New York After Dark. It's some kind of comedy thing.
And it's streaming now only on Peacock.
You love it. Sippers, welcome to this episode
of the Tea With Me podcast featuring me, Shane Todd.
Before we get into it, let me plug our patreonpatreon.com/tea
With Me podcast. You pay a few pounds a month,
you get more bonus content than you know how to deal with.
Bonus episode on a Monday. On Friday you get that live
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normally because without your requirements he can't eat cake.
But then someone brings in a free foam cake and then goes
into your coma, watch it. Also, Dave Elliott got very
angry and I just put a clip of that out and that is genuine
rage from him. So we do the live stream every
Friday. I put up a vlog from the
Ballymena show behind the scenes.
People seem to really enjoy that and then put it public a few
days later. So it's early access.
It's special treats. Also, we're sponsored by none
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We're also sponsored by Manscaped.
I was just recently speaking the celebrity friend.
Who was it again? I was speaking to what was it?
Who was I telling you about there?
Craig Phillips, Big Brother 1 winner.
Craig Phillips and I were having a conversation recently.
Yeah. And I said Craig wasn't like
winning Big Brother and only he said, listen, before we get into
that, he said I've got a problem with my undercarriage.
Craig has a lot of information. I've just met you.
And he said no, he goes, I've I've too much pubic hair.
And I said, Craig, I've just met.
Yeah. He said, mate, what can you help
me? And I said Big Brother 1 winner
Craig Phillips. I'm build celebrity builder.
I said the only thing I could recommend for you is man
skipped. He said, what is that?
I said, Craig, they sponsor every podcast in the world.
It is a range of men's grooming products.
I said, you're a man, Craig Phillips, winner, a Big Brother
1. He said, yeah.
I said, Craig, I've got your back here.
I don't have your back. I've got your balls.
I've got, I've got your, your ears, your nose.
I've got it's. A Peranium.
I've got his peranium. I don't know where that is.
I don't know if boys have. It's a bit between your your
arsh. Well then, definitely not well.
It might be between their deck and the rash, yeah.
That, but is that called your peranium?
Something like that. Because you have to, yeah.
I didn't know that Big Brother 1 winner Craig Phillips set even
my peranium. Can you help me?
And I said manscape.com they've got the lawnmower 4.0 which just
shaves your bets basically. And I gave Craig the perfect
performance package, Manscape send in manscape.com with the
code tea with me. And he phoned me up a week
later, even though this only happened a few days ago.
And he said, man, I can't believe it.
And I said, is this better than when I'm Big Brother 1?
He said undoubtedly I've changed my life.
Tea with me for 20% off on free shipping. manscape.com code is
in the description. For everyone giving off by the
length of these ads, shut up. Oh my God, so long, so long.
My guest today is rude, full stop.
What do you mean? Is there under?
Is there underlay on it? Looks like you've got felt or
about a carpet. But like, am I see as I'm in a
mirage? Am I seeing it funny?
What am I seeing it funny? Do you know that?
That's a dessert. Meringue do you know like?
It's a wacky design choice. Yeah, the shoes aren't just the
bottom. Of the do you know what it is?
It's turning 34 and looking for like I need crazy shoe, that's
what it is. Looking to jazz it up, all that
kind of thing. Do you think that's like a
psychologist sweat drain there? That's like what he lacks
somewhere in his life he's making up for in jazzy shoes.
And he's making up up on this. What he lacks in his soul, he's
making up for in the soles of his shoes.
Oh shit, that's. See, in fairness, I in the
images of them online, I didn't actually see the soul.
So I so I didn't make a conscious decision to have a
jazzy soul, but I could have gone to a cobbler, I'm sure, and
said listen. A cobbler?
Yeah. If you were in London in the
1940s, you could have gone to a cobbler.
What's wrong? Where is there a cobbler here?
In the past, but I could, I could conjure and back up.
Yeah, I'm sure they're still Cobblers knocking about.
They have to, and they're doing. Clean.
They're doing like shoes, like like proper like wedding shoes
and funeral shoes. That's probably the same shoes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Funeral shoes you.
Know your ones. You're like with them when they
and they are Uncle Jimmy's funeral.
Well, you can't think about the funeral.
You can't have funeral shoes that are too shiny because
that's in some way feels disrespectful to the day.
Yes, doesn't it? Like too shiny?
Like, like I'm here at the funeral, but when it was going
to be acquired to you afterwards.
You know, you know it's a great night.
You know it also when it comes to the funeral for where you
know what you can't do Haley's. Is it?
Have you speaking from experience?
Yeah, when I skated in their uncle's funeral.
Remember Haley's? Fucking love Haley's.
Really. I never had a pair right.
I loved watching other people with more money than me on them.
That's a sad my my stepsons all had Haley's growing up.
They loved. They loved Haley.
Really, I thought it would have been even before their time.
They came back, Everything comes back.
Everything, everything comes out again.
I think I was the honestly, I think I was the first guy here
to have him. Have a pair of Haley's.
Yeah. And did you, we, we like, did
you wear them out for like, do you put on your rollerblades?
I'm going to go out for fun. Or were you wearing them for
like travel? Like for like getting places?
Where was I needing to go when I was?
Like this shop, like you put them on in the morning and
you're wearing them for the day or do you like go in and put
them on? I'm going outside to play in
Mahalies. Like they were shit because they
didn't look good as shoes as standalone shoes.
Plus when you brought the bottom out they probably got better as
time went on. But when I had the prototype
pair, don't know why I had the prototype pair, they were shit.
You couldn't actually really skate on them or glide.
Why didn't they make them nicer? They were primary coloured
weren't they? They were like red, blue and
yellow. Mine were like your primary
colours. Mine were white and I had big
feet anyway, so they were like big.
Clumpy size of your feet now. Forrest Gump Type shoes 11.
That's pretty normal, isn't it? Yeah.
Well no, because if you want see if you go into a shoe shop, all
the best shoes are 8 ninth. Once you get past 10 they don't
have the options aren't as good. No, I'm sure the options are
there, but they're sold out because that's the most popular
sizes. That makes more sense.
They didn't stop making shoes, so.
Hold on let me get this straight you're telling me the reason
aren't a lot elevens is because they go quicker?
Yes, either, but I'm going to say can we, can someone tell me
please what what is the average UK shoe size for a man?
You'd be surprised. What do you think it is?
I'm going to say I'm, I'm going, I'm going to say it's an 8.
I thought it was an 8 but I
can't use the same thing as you so I'm going to say I'm going to
go for 9:00. What about when a guy has like,
not going to run around a pair of fours?
That guy's going to fall over. Would you rather have really
long feet to really long hands? I oh, I'd probably really have
what would like to have really long hands skip more shut up.
What do you look in the scoop? Feed, just feed people.
Do you know what when you're, when you're a parent and you're
like, do you ever like have to like take the washing up the
stairs and your child because your child can't be more than
one metre away from me and like. No, he likes the distance, so
he's told me that you take a washing up.
I'll chill here, you know? I made the stair gate, yeah.
Can I? He's there like nothing.
I've been nothing. I've been regulars only.
I'm going to ask you some quick fire questions just off the top
of my head. Are you scared of the dark?
No. Do you like the books?
Are you afraid of the dog?
Loved them, but I was afraid of those.
Were you ever afraid? Were you ever afraid of the dog?
Yes. When you stop being afraid of
the dog. 3rd of January 19. I think I'm definitely.
Do you know why? Because I'm so realistic as a
person now that I'm like wise up.
Whatever's going to happen in the dark is going to happen in
the light as well. Do you know what I mean?
If I'm going to get bathered or burgled, it's going to help me
when the lights are on. Do you mean no burglars going to
come on and be all you know? I've got the makeup on, turn the
lights off, you know what I mean?
Whatever is going to happen to me in the dark is going to
happen to me in the life. That's the most like defeatist
thing. If they're going to get me,
they're going to get me. Leaving your sleeping with your
door, front door. But you know, I did think
something I'm not. I don't really believe and go
snow, right? But every now and then I.
Do so weird to say I don't really, because that means you
do sometimes. I don't really.
I mean I'm not really into that. That means you do believe.
Sometimes there's no other answer, not for that situation.
But I'd love to hear the situation so keen.
So like a couple of times. So like once in my house so Sean
was away for the night and I heard this fucking banshee noise
downstairs or proper like and like it was so loud like I
jumped out of my bed middle of. The night.
Shed myself, yeah, Melanie, right.
Shed myself really dark and I was like.
What was annoys? It was like really bad and I
went down and it took me about 20 miles to it was my cat fight
me in our cat through the French windows.
Oh, I I think that was all made-up.
Just a flex. You have, in your own words,
French windows. I don't even know what they are.
Do you know what I meant to say? What sliding doors?
Oh, French doors. Yeah, French doors not.
French Windows. Just wait Windows little
moustaches. French window.
That's how you've got too much money if you've got French
windows. Yeah, I know.
But then other time like that I've just like so, for instance,
Sean, I went and did like a paranormal tour of a house
called and a physical prehen house and dairy.
Have you ever heard of it? Right, It's this big manner that
this like old guy used to live in sure got all mad shit on it,
right. It's so there's so many
expensive artefacts. I'm not that they can't insure
it because it's too expensive. Sounds like someday makeup.
Do you think so? Yeah.
Don't rob us. And then it's like, but they
have like king fucking bellies later and all like that, but
just there's like random shit. Big man run about with Zippo.
Battle of the Boy, keep it up. I'm doing the weed trick.
My hair's cracker in it. They have all, all sorts of shit
in this place. And so we went around it and
like, we went down with these paranormal terror people writing
an article. Pardon.
I'm sure they were. Yeah, they're weed machines.
Do it listening to noise, Bruce Forsyth And then do you like
anytime there's like a bottle 1 the rods and the rods go when
you're like there might be, there might be.
A week I'm laughing about them. See, if I was in that situation
anything, I would definitely ship myself.
I I'm. That did you do the tour?
Sorry to end up with other people.
No, just to use just us two. It was for it was for a
newspaper article also of another story to tell you about
the news. We had a column for the Sunday.
I think I might have been the Sunday life.
I want to. No, it wasn't Sunday World.
It was Sunday life, right? I mean, we had six weeks.
We did six weeks right of a thing in each county.
So whenever we went to dairy, we did this.
You can like literally Google. It's fucking ridiculous.
It's so bad. The photographs.
He sent this guy to do photographs with us and he made
us like creep out behind doors. Stop.
Yeah, he made. I would not have done.
That it is about 10 years ago creep out behind doors and all
and standing us here in the dark room like looking afraid.
No right, but I was so I felt squandered for the paranormal
guys because I was like, why is up?
So I'm going to try to make them feel better.
So I later on that I was all I can definitely feel a wee
presence on here and I appear was all like I oh fuck, did you
feel I was getting and it and then I convinced myself it was
like I'm definitely I haunted on here.
Yeah, you thought. You were haunted.
I was all I'm I'm fucking haunted on here.
And then the so we were just going round this house and like
they were, they were telling us about like.
Was it nighttime? Yeah, it was like the dead of
night. It was like the middle of the
night. And they didn't.
They never locked up the house. Anybody wants to rob Brian
House, they don't walk it. They don't lock it because.
Some fella on the way. Where is Zippo tonight?
The guy who owned the house who's dead now, right?
Because probably got haunted, right?
Hey, how how he got in and out of his own house?
Was he slid the living room window up.
It's a French window. It's.
A French haunted window. That's how that man got into his
house. But come here, see the same
articles that we've done right? But but sorry, what?
What happened? So really, did nothing happen in
this? Sean came away going.
I was the biggest petty bullshit ever and as all I think there's
a wee child in there should be ghost.
A wee ghost child apparently is loving on there and it's ma
right together. What's good to demise there,
too? Yeah, because it died as a
child, apparently. I think it might have been
royalty of some sort. Have you ever heard of Half
Home? Not.
Pardon. Hung Mcnutt.
Half hung Mcnutt. Google half.
Sounds like a guy on a stag. Some sounds like a guy would
have it on the back of a polo shirt at the International
Airport having a few pints. Half Hung Mcnutt.
Are you giggling at that? It's a proper thing.
His name's McNaughton, but he fell in love.
This is this is 1000 billion years ago, right?
Like maybe like 50 or something. And same thing.
He fell in love with this girl who lived in Prehen House,
right, right. This is like Manor.
Like fuck off Manor. Yeah, the French one, those now
we haunt the child and this man, but she was only like 16 or 17
or shot. And so he was always a massive
pedo. He was like a foul grown man.
Right. Say 4 feet.
Yeah, it was really we I think it was really we as well, but he
wanted to marry her and he and she was being like taken away by
like John was a horse and carrots signs of carriage to
like Dublin or shopping hanger Dad was like we're getting
ready. You could you keep trying to go?
We're man right. So the Haydock intercepted the
carriage stole her from it and they like eloped or some shit
like that. I can't remember the incidents
of it, but it got done for that right, because he's obviously
not what you got there. It's bad.
So they home, but he doesn't die.
It was hot. And and the rules back then was
if they hung you and you survived, you get away with it.
Yeah. So he was called.
Everyone called him half home. Like not just running the town
and I was our fault. And there's 1/2 home, right?
Which makes him Sonic. You want to get sick of Sammy
Boner or something? Doesn't.
It it's the shit. It's the shit.
Yeah, it definitely sounds like he's erectile dysfunction.
For yeah, I have home. But he, yeah, it's, I mean, it's
a, it's a long nickname. Half home, Mcnutt.
It's a lot of did you feel like
you, did you feel him there or anything?
Someone grew up my hole at one point and I was like, maybe I
had some, might have been the paranormal guy, might have been
the Turkey. I'd have like nuts here.
It's the ghost, but half of Mcnutt was a big thief or
something then and robbed somebody and then they did hang
him many years later and he did die.
But it means. He was probably so smug going
into it. Yeah, I've tried this before.
Yeah. And he's like, he's like this.
And then they're all laughing, like, wait, wait.
And he's, they're like, oh, he's, he's.
Going to come round. He's been a week.
Three hours later, everyone's had no where.
If you want to. So that was one week of the
fucking of the six counties thing, right, And the other one
we done was I can't believe I'm going to say this right, but we
lied what you said. So we says that we would spend
that. Sean will kill me for telling
this. He we says we would spend the
night on like an island, namely Wallaby Islands nearby.
Rathlin. Not Rathlin, but just like one
of those. Tory Island.
One of them, right? Right.
And Rams Island, Maybe this is another one.
Oh, like with nothing on it. Oh, completely uninhabited, just
like a bit of land. And so you.
Say to the paper, we'll go by ourselves, off your own accord,
sort of. You'll go.
So they sent us to the bushcraft course, which we did.
Learned how to make a fire, make a hot like make a Dick of
ourselves. He told us how to do all that
stuff. And we thought, oh we can
survive the night night in this place, so we are fine.
Was that we were going to go out and spend the night on this
island with nothing. We were going to just bring a
litre of water. We were going to document it,
but obviously they couldn't say. Because you had all the skills.
Oh, because we had all the skills when you had to survive,
right? And I heard there was chickens
on there and I was like, we'll kill one of them.
And. Then I think they were like, I
think the sort of like, I don't know if you're allowed to kill
the chickens on there because I think someone daws on them.
And I was like, yeah, we'll see about that, yeah.
So anyway, we went out. No, no, no, we didn't go.
We like wrote the article as if we'd we were like so tired.
We were like, could you be fucked?
There's no, there's no photographer coming, right?
So they'll never know, right. So we made-up the article and
it's in the Sunday life. You can fucking giggle.
It so literally fake news. Oh, fake news, we wrote.
It was always very cold and then we're running after the wee
chickens trying to catch the chickens like we made it up.
And you didn't feel and that was printed in the newspaper.
I got paid for it. Well, that's going to, there's
going to be an investigation reopened.
Yeah, Yeah. That's why the.
Other coin is you're going to go what the fuck she was a Todd
sleep anyway. She went.
Is that what you went for, the other one?
Yeah. Yeah.
I did a gig there. Did she?
Yeah, on the right daughter. Did you pretend it was like
yours? Oh yeah, we did this thing in it
where we arrived there early and we're shooting like a vlog.
So we'll say, oh, we'll do the clay pigeon shooting and all the
activities they have and they have this thing where you just
like you walk up all these steps and then just walk out of the
height and fall under a big like blow up thing.
So we did it and the guy goes, you've got to you've got to do
the smallest one and then if you can land OK, you get to go up to
the next one and then the next one, top one's really high.
So we did the first one. He's like, you know, cross your
arms, fall in a certain way. Everyone did it.
He's like, Yep, all good. You can move it to the next one.
Williams with us right now, he goes, does anyone have any
mobility issues running like that?
Williams like actually I have cerebral palsy and the guy goes,
well, it's up to you if you want to do it, but it is quite high
and Williams like, no, I'll do it.
And Williams like really excited.
I did the first jump and I was like, it's actually quite like
relatively high. And what if you land a certain
way and William goes, I'm just going to, I'm going to fuck
myself out all this. He's like, I love it.
And he was like, because he's like quite short too.
He just looked like a wee like partial or something.
Like you just. You just drop himself out of it
and land and I. We did.
The first two do. You go on your front.
You land on your back. OK, So I did the first two and
then my neck, I like hurt my neck or something.
I was like, this is like not right.
And then I thought everyone had stopped doing it.
And as I was like walking into the gig to the sound check, out
of the corner of my eye, I just saw Willy jump out from about 70
feet and I saw his face on the way down.
It felt like slow motion. He looked at me and he loved it.
So that's like, that's the only time I've been there, but.
I was still doing it. Yeah.
Would you sleep out rough on an island?
I don't think I would do that. No interest in camping.
Like you say, why would you do it?
Why would you? Me and my brother went camping
once and we we were watching some Bear Grylls thing.
We're like, let's go to totally more for the night because it's
the same thing. And we went and spent like the
day in Newcastle and it was really good.
Had lunch and all. Got back, started to get a wee
bit cold. We just got into the tent and I
went we could just and he's like, can we go home?
Lastly, yeah, no one's ever going to know that we didn't
stay. So he got KFC and just went home
and. Said I've done that a few times.
Like this is infinitely better and I like taking some company
at some point, but if at any time he looks around at me and
goes, we just head on here, I'll go.
Absolutely you have that either your cars there.
Camping is a good idea but but it's it can be shit all the day.
All the stuff during the day is brilliant.
I don't even think it's a good idea.
I don't understand why you would want to sleep outside where it's
definitely colder. Yeah, and definitely less
comfortable. And the light comes in in the
morning. And is there anything more
disgusting on this planet than condensation inside a tent die
off? It's fucking rotten, That watery
shite on the. Entire move.
Which is also minging because you know when you open your
washing machine door and there's condensation?
The glass. My daughter likes it like an
absolute retrobate. Can I offer some words?
Yeah, get her checked out. Just don't let her do it.
She it keeps her. How strong is she?
You're like, we can't stop her. Why are you opening it like
this? But come on, you wanna?
I have an open check in the wash night.
She's just, they're all she's having fun chain.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leave her to it.
Fair. I am, yeah.
I just, I wouldn't be a big company.
I loved it whenever I was a kid, but just once.
When you're in a house, sometimes you just go away, but.
We've been camping once and it was like our proper holiday.
Holiday. We went to, I think we went to
Galway because we went and visited William Butler Yates's
grave. So much fun.
Yeah. Why'd you go?
Whose? Grave No.
William Butler Yates. WB Eights Yeah.
Why did you make me second? He was a.
Writer. Yeah, would be right.
Yeah, you know the eights stuff. What do you write guys?
So you travel all the way to Galway to visit the grave of a
famous author who you're not like a fan of.
I'm like 7 my mind. I thought you meant you and
Sean. Oh, no, no.
I was like, that's. 10 out of. 10 No, No, no, no, no, no, no.
We're not that interesting. What did he write?
Stuff I don't know. Lots of stuff.
This is we.
We'd have to. That's one of those things where
you go, oh, Yeats and all these writers and I'm so impressed.
You go. I don't know.
I don't actually. I don't know.
Yeah, it's clear. But then could you name any
Shakespeare place? Yeah.
Shakespeare shake the. Wasn't he?
100%. 100. Percent too long stories are too
long. If you told me the the outline
of the story go that's pretty good.
There's two it's. A short movie.
It's a short film, Yeah. It's like 8 minutes top.
Yeah, and the way it's written, Stupid.
Yes. What is the crack with the
iambic pentameter? That's what that is, that 10
cell, the 10 syllable sentences. Yeah, yeah, dude.
And, and like, do you know, whatever you hear people going,
oh, that's he's a brilliant Shakespearean actor.
And you go, how do you be a shite one?
How do you be a shit? What's the difference between a
good and a bad one? There's the words, and you say
them. Just have the word tight, that's
it. And say like, oh, instead of
like I asked her, I asked of her.
Yeah, that's it. That's all he was doing.
He was just changing words up a bit.
You. Shit, he's so quotable in
everyday life. Do you know you do?
Like thou doth protesteth too much.
Which means, right? You did that too, didn't you
know what I mean? Is that not what people say
about if someone if someone, if if you, if someone's like I'm
I'm actually not gay at all. Yes, people go the lady does
protest too much. That's it.
That's good. Like if you're banging on about
it, if you're like, I'm not gay, I'm not.
He's so gay. Like gay?
No. I fell and on.
It was just, yeah, I landed on. I didn't know.
I might know there were round my ankles because I thought there
was a wasp and all in the drunks.
And then, yeah, it's like that. In a way, I shot you.
Even like in Shakespeare, like not like RJ.
Brilliant. Yeah, the movie is because we
call her Danes. Claire Danes from homeland.
Romeo Julietes unreal but a lot of them are shit.
I there's whatever, like Lady Macbeth, that's another one that
I don't really know what happens on it, but.
Not just Macbeth. Oh, it's Macbeth.
See. Yeah.
See, it's but it's 2022, so. Like I'm just not, I'm just not.
Like I, I started it slightly at university and was like, can we
all agree this is shit? I think everyone thinks it, but
no one's saying it. People can't.
People can't say it. Did you act in any plays like
that? Shakespeare One.
Yeah. No.
Do you know what I did? A Midsummer Night's Dream.
Is that Shakespeare? Yeah.
Whenever I was in secondary
school and back in Magalith. MAGA.
O7. And BCM, we're not down.
They're not down, ladies. And gentlemen, Titania, that's
the only thing I know, because that's her name.
That's a titanium. Imagine just BCM just shuts down
at midnight, the music DJ Sammy stops and they go, folks, we're
going to take an hour and a half here.
Yeah, sure, We get here once. Did you give me?
But she's come a long way. The French doors open on stage
and you walk out. But I do what though?
I was raging because I know that wasn't even that play.
It was was it that play? It was a GCSE play that we done.
And it was, it was BLOB Brothers.
BLOB Brothers. Yeah, yeah.
Fucking that's a that's a queer show because it's got something
on it keeps entertained. That's what Shakespeare needed.
Yeah, when the bits get boring, break out a song.
But in some Shakespeare they're singing, like in Romeo and
Juliet, there's that song Sixpence on the Richer.
Yes. That's in it.
And he wrote also, people think Shakespeare was a woman.
People think Shakespeare was a What's the word when you write
under an alias? Synonym.
No, that's you put in a porridge.
No, but that pseudonym, pseudonym, pseudonym.
What did I say cinnamon? Did I say cinnamon?
I thought you said cinnamon pseudonym like another word.
What's what's the difference in a synonym and a pseudonym?
A pseudonym is a name that you write under.
I think that's not your name. But people thought that some
woman was writing these plays. But at the time, women were
allowed to be professional writers or be actors.
So she pretended to be William Shakespeare, or possibly Wendy,
some fella she knows called William Shakespeare.
She was like. You'll get a few quid out of
this bro. Barbara something else.
And she was all here, Barbara. Something else.
Imagine you'd be like, he's a great Barbara Something else
actor. Yeah, yeah, he's well.
That's probably why she couldn't release under her name, because
her name was Barbara Something. Else yeah.
So she went to him maybe, and was all here.
Can you pretend these are these? These are written by you.
What else is considered really good?
But when we break it down, it isn't that good.
A lot of art I. Ain't going to say something.
But can I just say something like the Mona Lisa?
Do you know it's better than that?
Any good caricature? Yeah.
What about when you're on holiday?
The guys 7 minutes with you? He's like, you go well,
actually, me, you're that big. Yeah.
We don't speak English. That's better because he's doing
it on the. Hoop, I agree.
So much art is. Brilliant.
I'm doing more than who? Who?
Who drew them on? Who painted them through the
middle? Lisa.
Neil Buchanan. No.
That's not Monet, no Picasso. Davinci.
Did he Davinci? Davinci.
So like, what else did he do? You mean 1 hot wonder?
No, he had other, he had other bangers like.
But this is the thing like people like I have loved it my
whole life, but once somebody pointed out to me it's quite
shite and I'm like oh friends, friends is great.
But when you break it down, it's actually about shit.
I think we just got caught up in it being one of those things
where everyone was talked to, be involved in conversations in the
playground. You had to have watched Friends.
They've seen Friends, Yeah, And you almost got, like, wrapped up
in their lives. So you're maybe watching more
for that. And you thought it was funny,
but it's like, you ever see a show without a laughter track, a
sitcom where they have a laugh track and take it away?
But then I think no matter how good it was, when you take the
laugh track away, you're watching it because a laughter
track tells you like it's funny. Yeah, this bits funny.
Even if it is. Funny.
You know what? Laughter tracks work.
No, they're doing people go all the fake, all the canned
laughter. You cannot pet, can't laughter
on something that there wasn't actually laughter for I.
Think someone's told you that? No, yeah, they won't walk out,
but. Why would you not be able to
like? Who's going to be like, no.
Maybe it's just for the BBC because they're like people pay
for that, like the public purse pay for that.
But I don't know if it's like so they said to me like they people
have to have laughed at those certain points.
They can't just like fuck laughed.
They can't suggest to you when you're supposed to laugh.
So they'll screen it to an audience or play it in front of
or record it in front of live audience and the live audience
will laugh and they record that laughter.
But then you can tell that up as much as you want and add loads
more in. But you have to have recorded
like somebody laughing. Right, right.
Because you can't say to the audience.
People would laugh at that if they weren't.
Get you, get you. Well, with your track record of
like your journalism, you'd be like, get it in anyway even
though it didn't happen, you know?
Yeah, put see that, but they're at the funeral.
He comes on me as we release. There's so much overrated, and
people just don't want to say it's not good.
Yeah, Like, yeah, like films, TV shows, but there's also just
like, like, seeds on, on, on breakfast stuff, brunch things,
seeds on the top. I will fucking cattle.
No, I'll disagree. Be there.
Get out. That's a plant that deserves to
be in a pot in the garden. It tastes like a plant, like a
stem. Nutritionally it's good for you,
but think of the avocado as it's, it's, it's a if if you
have toast with avocado on it, it's doing the job of the the
moist. It's the moist stuff on that,
but also the moist maker. Yeah, but also it doesn't taste
good or bad, but you can accessorise it I think.
Why would you have it if it doesn't taste good or bad?
Because really good for you. But.
It's really good for you. Yeah, but it's the texture I'm
not a fan of. I'm not getting like, I think
the avocado thing became such a big happy that be like it became
gin flavoured gins. I don't like a flavour gym but
I'll take a the. Gin thing gins gin fucking Jenna
Clock go fucking suck a cock like it just became.
Jenna Clock, go suck a cock. Yeah.
That's Gordon's new slogan. Suck a cock.
I just became SO. I know what you mean.
Fashionable. And you're like, oh fuck off.
Do you know what I? Thought I bought you a bottle of
second I'm. Just going to say brought to get
know this. Can I just double check?
So here's the thing. When you walked in, you had some
gift bags. Yeah.
And I thought, oh, it was my birthday just passed there.
And then I noticed that you were like.
Giving gifts to these guys as well.
Yeah, put your gun down. We're trying to.
It Peter Pointer. We're trying to recall that
sounds like a pervert. And so, yeah, so you just, you
just. Well, so my car was in my
podcast is is launching this week and it's you guys are
producing it and one else to do so I've got easy we gift.
So that's just Prosecco lovely and me talking about fucking
fashionable drinks. But there's another reboot on
there that. Yeah, Tesco brand Home Office
glue sticks. So like.
You don't need to emphasise that it's Tesco brand, right?
It's. But you had a choice.
At some point you could have got me original brand pretty stick.
Well, I'll tell you in a wee SEC.
Well, you got that because you're the glue that keeps one
else to do together. But with this, because it's
Tesco brown, that probably won't keep it together.
For a for a short period of time, everything's got a shelf
life. Right.
You see, I think they they would take exception to this.
We'll see. They don't see me as the glue.
Well it's only because we're on camera, but I got Dan proper
brand. Have you seen in yours?
Proper brand topics. I doesn't even know brand
because Tesco don't do on brand topics right?
So how to spend 3 fucking pound on his?
Why is why is Dan the tipics? Because Dan can delete the shit
you don't want in the fucking podcast.
But then if you scratch just a wee bit, you'll get it.
Yeah, like that back. Nothing's gone forever.
It's on his hard drive. And what, what, what did you
get, Michael? Michael got, well, his is double
there's he's got a sharpener because he can sharpen the image
and a rubber because he can also erase the shit that you want
deleted. Right.
That's great. They also got a second, by the
way. Right, right, right.
And that's just, that's not symbolic, that's just to drink.
Well, that's that's to drink. Yeah, that's or like when your
first episode comes out, we'll do like a Formula One podium
type thing. Yeah.
When's your podcast out? Is it?
No, it was out last week. It was out last Thursday.
Oh, when this was out, yeah, I was all as I went out to him,
even fucking pushed. No fanfare at all?
No, it's just up. So give me back up for a second.
So it's out last Thursday. So it's out as we speak.
So there's an episode out right now with Gemma Garrett and Patty
McDonnell. It's 2 episodes right right now.
It's called. It's called Remember When with
Diona Doherty, and it's on the places where you get your
podcasts. Right.
Why you? Why you?
Why you call? Remember when don't know well,
well it is. It's called Remember when
because you talk about. It's called remember when,
because I asked my guests to remember when something happened
in pop culture history that had some sort of an impact on their
life. It's very, very vague.
It's unnecessary. You.
Didn't even. Really just needed a title.
Well, because you, you asked me mine towards the very end of the
record, and then I started to talk about it and you just
wrapped me up. You were like, Nah, it's OK,
it's all good. And always like, I like, I
regularly look over and dance all you have to ask them all.
Oh, I remember that there. What have you?
What have you had like? Well, it's like, what cultural
events have you had? So the ones that right now, so
Gemma was talking about Britney Spears ABS and her music videos
that led her and her sister to go on a mission to get ABS right
failed miserably. I don't know.
She didn't. She didn't show.
She didn't show me. Kerry Quinn is coming up in a
few weeks time. She forgot.
She didn't think of anything. She was all what, as I didn't
listen to my voice. No.
Right. What?
It was Paddy's. Does anybody remember Paddy's?
Oh, Paddy's was like, yeah. So there's been a few months,
but yeah, it's very less. It's just, I think the podcast
is an opportunity for me to go to the house.
Shane. Right, that's what people want
to hear, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Remember, who would you love to have all who would be like the
best guest ever ever. Steve Carell.
Give me one realistic and one not realistic.
Steve Carell is the realistic, realistic Joey is coming on.
He was in there, no blasters. Last week was.
It off. He was, he was, he was in a
Crusaders top just sitting with Karen, Karen's like, you know,
he was like Karen, do you want me to tell you all about the
history of the office? I'll.
Care, do you know who's caught on next month?
I'm really excited about Charlie Lawson.
Oh yeah. Yeah.
See for a second, I've got yours from music Karen in that second.
And I was like, you're gonna play FIFA with Jim McDonald?
No. Right.
OK. That'll be interesting.
So a realistic guest would be. Someone like you'd love to get
on and actually is quite realistic.
Maybe they're from here or you've got some link to them
somehow? I think wouldn't name me some
class. You're trying to get Lame Nason
on your team, aren't you? Yeah.
Would you not love, But Neeson. Yeah.
Also seriously, he's a massive tea drinker.
I read about it. On.
My life. Right, here's what we do.
Then let's create. Now Thompson's can help us out
with this. We get like a load of punches,
you know, about 440 bucks. Post them to his house.
Nope, Nope. Don't do that.
Find out where he is. Find out where he is.
Start a trail. Start at He's going to pick them
up. He's going to fall and end up
here. No, I don't like, I don't know
how much his bladder is going to be able to take because he's I
think if he loves to that much, he use everyone, he'd make a
fresh cup. But he's going to get there and
pointed one of oil and water have to go back, and then he's
going to lose his way because he's not.
He's getting older, isn't he? I believe most of us are.
Yeah, but also older. But that doesn't stop that man
from catching the bodies. Good luck The Age trying to
catch up with Liam Neeson because by the time it gets
there. He will bet that.
That's why I'll never be an action *.
That was quite good. It was quite good because that
was a double hit. Do you know there is nothing
better than getting a pack of mix and sitting down to watch a
Liam Neeson movie? Yeah, any of them.
Any Liam Neeson. We're competing to try and get
them on. No, but I would sit down.
I would always have a three course meal to sit down and
watch them. You do what?
I would have a three course dinner to sit down and watch
them. Oh, would you?
Yeah, because we're trying to do each other.
Get Liam Neeson. Oh yeah, yeah, you can come on
yours if he wants. It's not.
Good. I would, I would, I would, I
would love to have them on. Do you know what?
Yeah, I think part of it is. You know, say like, you know,
he's probably done a load of podcast, but maybe like on Zoom.
Or I don't know if he has Shane. I'd say he's done some I think
people in their. Heads TV shows.
I know what ATV show is, I've tried to.
Be look at that TV show called Good Morning Bro.
Look at that podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I think people think they're a certain thing or they're
either going to be ultra serious or because I'm a comedian doing
it, but I'm going to sit and take the piss.
And you're sort of like, we we need a Trojan horse.
I need someone in that goes, I don't normally do this.
And here it was actually like, it wasn't what I thought it was
going to be. Yeah, I think it might be the
Trojan horse. Oh would be great.
We've we've flirted with. Have these messaged him?
Have you gotten? There's been a, there's, there's
been a back and forth look. Do you want me to message
member? Used to go with my ma.
That's. Right hurt my ma.
That's right. He slapped the tongue and all
Donna's, all Donna's mouth, A few things.
It took too long in between us. I was deciding where he's loved
it. No, I'm just picturing like a
really like frog's tongue. That's really the bullfrog, but.
Lizard. He's standing on a lollipop.
But yeah, anyone who was maybe going to come on and didn't or
didn't respond to me like Joe likes it was here doing some
shows. I don't know him, but I fired
him. I met him once at the Fringe for
like. Yeah, I asked them could I do
warm up to Didn't respond. Oh really?
I asked them all. Shane.
I asked. You're going to be 80.
I asked them all when they were here.
Yeah. Yes, Catherine.
Nobody would have me and I was raging because so she, I, I.
She what was she doing? Ulster Hall.
Ulster Hall and I went to see your show, but my agent got in
touch with her agent and her like the promotional company.
He's doing her turn and stuff. I can't remember his and I don't
like it was taken right and and they were like, oh, Catherine
Cheeses like usually like a friend who's a comedian to do
her warm up. But I went fair enough, you
would grant. But then I was like, well, who's
our friend in Belfast? So but then I thought, well, she
might fly someone with her. But then I thought she got a
young family. She might not anyway, So I was
sitting having a drink and fell things before her show started
and I was like, oh shit, it's like it's it started crap.
Like I didn't mind the time. Well, and that's all.
Fuck, it's grand. The best support act on or one
of her. There was no support act on.
She come on and she's what she was brilliant by the way, But
she said I'm not using the support act because I can't
trust them to turn up. I thought, who the fuck are you
getting to support you? He's not turning up and then.
But also you didn't turn up. Well I would have if I was
booked but I was 4 espresso martinis down.
Imagine if you just Catherine. It's all right.
Nothing underneath. Oh fuck, I thought out of top on
shit, but then right, she's all stopped using warm up acts in
the regional areas, even though everywhere is a region.
What? I hate people say that.
But anyway, I probably said sometimes and I was like, so you
don't need to warm practise fine, that's OK, your shows
great grants. I love you.
But then the next week she used to warm up Act, who I know in
Wales. So someone's let her down last
minute and she's taking that out in a way on you.
She's she'd what happened there is she was offered no warm up or
me Yeah, and she decided to go for no.
One but I I don't think she was do you know what it sounds like
to me too many people were involved this person speak
you're speaking to this person speaking to that person speak to
that person should speak to her. You got to find a quicker length
I. Think I think she just wanted an
early night chain. She was more happy for the show
Dan to be but earlier so she could get their pet right.
Should the Christian of the child the next day in Cork.
It's a queer Dr. I understand. Yeah.
Next time she's back, we'll get her.
Yeah. Yeah, no.
No. Quite sinister.
We'll get her. Yeah.
She's not doing she. Can take that whatever way she
wants. But I'll get her.
I, I, I, I've asked to do sport for loads of people too, even
like if it's someone that's coming over that I just really
like. Yeah.
And what? About if you don't like them, if
you're not a fan, but. You know, sabotage.
Their show, yeah. I just go and do support, but I
don't say anything. Oh yeah, let's just do 20
minutes of interpretive movement.
Yeah, you're not even on the stage.
It's like sort of stood in front of it.
Yeah, in front of the microphone.
I messaged Nina Conti already too, because she was in lane
night on Monday. Or Black Box asked her as well.
She. She ghosted you.
Well, no, She talked back through the.
Republic Nina doesn't like you. She was like, you know, you're
right, fucking ball bag. And I was like, well, it's the
puppet talk. And then that's OK.
So what happened? Should mess me back.
People are ghost to. Me Has that gig happened yet?
Yeah, happened on Monday night. We.
Could have made that happen I think.
Yeah, we could have got her. And you'll happen if it doesn't
shit in her floor. Yeah.
And yeah, I do it all. Do you know who I went open for?
It might have already happened. Jeff Garland from Carbon
Enthusiasm. Yeah, it's come to show me
Australia. Yeah, Austral.
When you think it's really happened.
It might have happened by the time this episode goes out and
but I would I would like to do that.
I also tried to emotionally blackmail Jason Manford's
representation. Children.
Where was that going? You'd better get your daddy to
support me to do sport for. Me, I, I.
E-mail to Manford if your daddy doesn't open for me on my to air
you won't see. You won't see P sexually freak.
You will skip right to be 7. That's your, that's your long
game. You're going to fast track them
in school and they can't, they can't keep up.
Yeah, and then when they legally become adults, I'll make them
divorce their dad, right? And then and then he'll have me
support them. I messaged, I emailed his agency
and I was all, I'm very aware how Jason is like very
supportive of, you know, the marginalised grips and like
LGBTQ community and supportive female and supporting BAME
actors and performers and comedians.
So on that note, as one of the very few female comedians in
Northern Ireland, could I? There's not many of us.
But then they didn't get back
either, and I went follow emotional blackmail on that one.
I playing that card going like if he if he if he know he turns
up and has a white man support time, he or where he's going to
have a headspace. You, you eat Dick.
Just to know you and I, I think that's too long.
That e-mail straight in. Hello.
What's the crack with this support?
Yeah. And just write the owner wants
it and make that a hashtag and send it to all the promoters.
Well, because I sent an e-mail one time to a casting director
years ago when I was just starting out, and it was a long
Emily, what's the crack ways Game of Thrones thing?
George.r.martin@gmail.com I heard you.
Yes, lad. Are looking people.
The info gameofthrones.com. Yeah.
Yeah, and a casting director from London emailed me back and
was all basically saying that I was not going to have a career
if I continue to e-mail people in such like a casual manner
that I should have more respect for.
God, I was all I've got back on. Well, maybe you would have more
like, better movies that you've cast if you weren't such a
cheeky bitch, that's all. Because it's not any way to
speak to actors. I'm only trying my best.
What the fox isn't? Can I, can I rejoin an e-mail if
it if it loads up? Don't know if it will right.
Speaking of like emails you send maybe like emails when you're
just starting off like to casting directors.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you get me in this?
I sent an e-mail to fuck it won't load to Jackie from up at
the blame game when I had done my first stand up gig 1 gig IE
mailed them and said I think subject line was like let's do
this. And I was like.
I was like, hi there, my name is Shane Todd.
I'm 18. I've done 1 stand up comedy gig.
Just to let you know if you're looking anyone for the game
would I be like would be delighted to do it and you know
what? He replied.
I thought that was great. I really like that but I say
fuck off thanks. Fuck off you read deck.
No way. Was like we were booked up for
the series but keep it to stand up and all that.
Anything. I always like it when someone
replies, like, and when I was trying to get representation in
America years ago, I sent emails out to everyone about when I was
overdoing shows and, like, one of the top comedy managers in
the world emailed me back. And I was like, one line.
It was like, not be able to make it book you look.
But I just appreciate that, Yeah.
Appreciate recently I received because I've received lots of
emails over the years of rejection because I mean we all
have. And yeah, yeah.
And recently I got sort of got one where I got cut from
something and it was it was a documentary.
Jamie Lee's doing it. Jamie Lee Donaldson documentary
about dairy. Yes.
And I was I shot for that. I was in it.
So they shot me doing stand up and dairy and then her and I
have like a chat afterwards about like dairy and the crack
and dairy, whatever. And then there's like for over
the whole course of an evening. And then last week they sent me
an invitation to come to the screening of it, which I can't
go to because I'm going to a play.
But anyway. But they were like, Oh, also
you're not actually in the documentary anymore.
And I saw, oh, all right, the producers decided to join the
more serious route of the tone of the show so that we didn't
include any comedy on a stand up comment.
I go no bother. That's totally acceptable.
Can I have the high quality footage that you shot, please?
And they were like, no problem, we'll get that to you.
And then I saw Jamie Lee post the 3rd and it's all like
fucking she was the night out. We see Monica Jackson and she's
sitting looking through. But it was with Mommy Bunter,
Simina, Terry and as all went during the series with did you
fucker. I've just been cut.
But if you get the footage out of it, that's OK.
I know, but it's like, you know, yeah.
I just find that stuff has happened to me so much.
It just becomes like once, once you can take that as like funny.
Oh, I don't care. Yeah, then it then it's great,
yeah. Because like, almost I can't
then wait to tell my friends about it because I'm like,
listen to what happened to me. And they get much of A laugh,
but it becomes funny. You cry yourself to sleep, but.
It's all good. I remember.
Do you remember Mark and you know Mark from BBC Mark McAvoy
and Jordan? Thought you meant spit.
No who? Mark?
Oh, no, no, no. Mark McAvoy.
And they were doing this. They had to do a scene years
ago. Pardon.
You said McAvoy, it's. McAvoy.
I said McAvoy. Oh, but they did do a scene
something like a short film years ago, and they had to kiss.
And these are two like straight guys.
Well, it's time. How powerful a kiss was it?
I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight.
Listen, I need to speak to my family ASAP.
But they did do like their first like gay kiss on camera and then
it got caught and they didn't get paid or anything.
And they were like, well, sort of, sort of sacrificed quite a
bit there. For hey, who cast that I know
give me a shout it. Was a BBC thing, I think well,
but no, I don't think well I might.
Not get off with him and all. Why is there no cameras in here?
Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.
We'll use it. We'll use it.
Do you know what you were talking about?
What do you call the one of your sponsors?
VPN. Nord VPN, those guests in the
business. As you were speaking about them
earlier on, that reminded me of my my Mama used to put tape over
the camera on her laptop. What?
Was your mom getting up to whenever she first got a laptop
she was confessed people could see under your lover.
When that gets baked, I can't wait for people to in their
heads imagine what it was that was said.
She's a bit of like a plaster over and she's like, I'm not
letting them look under my living room.
And you're like, who's looking under your living room?
She's all yeah, and you're like there's nobody like she she
genuinely was. And then if ads come up that are
like relative the conversation she bad.
She's all say they can see I'm through the camera under my
living room. They know I need new cushions or
something. I mean, we laugh at.
That, but they're probably, but they're probably.
But not with Nord VPN. Here, I'd love that to be my
job, but imagine sitting behind a camera just looking onto
everyone's loving rooms, just judging their decor.
You'd see bad things and all. Like, yeah, you would see bad
things, but you'd also see real fun things like having a great
night out. No or a night and.
Isn't that the dream? Yeah, to stream a night out, but
you're at home. To stream somebody else's night
out and you watch it from your house.
Yeah, but they they, that's the I was going to say they know
about it, right, But they don't. And then they might be talking
about you and people you know, and you're just sitting at your
house with a packet mixed I got watching the big screen.
Imagine. Would you prefer they were
talking about you, even in a bad way, or they weren't?
So fucking. You like them?
Yeah, I'd buzz off that I'm I do you know why I love an argument
chain. I love a week.
I'm known to be very defensive. I love a serious, not an
argument, but I love having a reason to go.
Well, I heard what she says. What's your what's your
opponent? So say you say you'd stream the
house party. Yeah, I'm a I'm a friend that
you. And by the way, you'll be
thinking of someone in your head and you've heard me saying
something about you. Yeah.
We meet up for coffee. Yeah, I I'm, I'm already sat
down. You arrive.
What's your opening thing? I go all Columbo on your hip,
right? I'll be like, I'll be like
Cryptic. I'll I'll start, I'll buy them a
coffee power move right and. Then I'll be like, I've got and
I've already paid for it. You've paid for the coffee.
Yeah, Yeah, that will stay for 2:00.
We'll have another one and I'll pay for it.
OK. And then everything OK, But then
I'll be like, did you have a, do you have a nice weekend?
Yeah, that's good. What did you do?
Just a few drinks. So it's a shame you weren't able
to make the party, but no, it's good.
Did Sheila make the party? Yeah.
She doesn't have a good time, is she?
How do you know something? Yeah, she's too much.
Good. Thank you.
Babe, that. I would pretend that I was at
the party and I would be like, you didn't think I was there
because you were so fucked, but I was there and I heard and I
would make them say it. Most of the time when I'm
entrapping my step kids, I don't really, I don't really know the
facts, but I'll be like, I know you did this and then they'll
eventually own up. Sometimes they didn't do it and
it's a wee bit cruel and I'm just like I thought, I don't
know, yeah, I'll blame shit on them.
Sometimes though, if there's no sweets left, I'll be all in the
house. I'll be all the show on those
greedy bastards. Right, right, right.
Sugar all around your mouth. Yeah.
I'm greedy fuckers, yeah, can't blame stuff on the one year old
because she's too way, but I will.
But that's what I want. I want to stream like if I, if I
I'd rather not go on a night out, but I get high end
production team to film the night out and people and they're
doing like it's like Geordie Shore.
My mates do vox pops update like what the how's the night going
on? And then I just I watch that
it's just an hour long thing and and I watch the night out
instead of going on it. In lieu of the night out.
Yeah, so but you. But then that's very anti
social. That's not my straight.
I don't like being social. I like it if it's convenient,
yeah. I don't like the like go, you
know, go and do a thing. But if the things there and I'm
there, it's good. I prefer people came to my house
to have drinks. And no, I don't like that.
Oh, you don't? Not really.
Why could you clean up? I don't like the idea that like
someone be leaning on something. You're like, we don't lean on
that. Yes, that makes sense, yes, and
or like, you know, there's a guy there who you don't really know
that well and he's like at one point you look over and you just
see the top of his feet. He's behind your TV and you're
fuck you doing he's I'll just grabbing your Internet password.
You you use. The 4G no, I'm just like give me
a don't go behind. I don't want anyone in the TV or
like get in the week card get your.
Wires mixed I have. Cards for that reason in a
separate drawer and I'll go and I'll go.
Here's a new and you can key. It you don't key it, we have one
taped up in each room. Not visibly, because that's
aesthetically ugly, but inside a cupboard or something, you open
up and it's taped inside. No, that's a.
That's a nice. Room you can you can access the
Wi-Fi password that's certainly wouldn't be Scampi about me and
today because it's not going to run out is it we?
All thought like that. The girl next door to my man's
house, she was. So you're waiting on your
Internet to go on the manager, right?
So she was in the same boat. She was waiting on the Internet
to go on, but she couldn't hotspot because she probably had
a page ago or something. Do you know what I mean?
5210. 5210 she wasn't hot, she. Didn't get snake, she can't get
the web. It's 5210 if I'm.
Knock you 52 tens. No, you mean 3210?
Well, there's a 5210 too. No, there's not.
There wasn't a 5210 too. There was a 5210.
Also. There was a 5210 right or wrong.
Yeah, all right. Okay, so I went moved.
On ever tell me there? Wasn't 5210 I moved on to
smartphones earlier. Than you I don't like
confrontation but the second you dismissed the 5210.
She went then my mom was all can I have your Wi-Fi password
because I know how my math is about the Internet and all my
stuff. She's not really she's thanks
everyone's tranny robber, right. So this this girl is like in her
20s and she's like, can I have your Wi-Fi password?
I've got like a week entering before my mentor comes in.
My mum was all I let me go get a fee, shut the door, phones us.
What the fuck am I going to do? She wants my Internet.
She wants to check my Internet. Will she get on my Facebook?
Will she be able to buy my stuff on my Amazon?
Right. Yeah.
She got a will she have my PayPal password and I was like
thank you. And this was a conversation that
went on all day. This girl's that, I'd said the
door all. Day.
Just wait, but I know know what I get your mom, but I think see
if she had a given it, I think that girl would have went in
from BT and went don't worry about that installation because
how you really going to know if somebody's I mean, I'm sure
there's a sentence thing where you can see, but that happened
where we had a house once and I borrowed an Internet password.
You done it. And realised that the Internet
password I borrowed was faster Internet than my own and every
device in the house stayed on that other network.
But did you still continue to have yours sort of feeling
guilty? I think if I thought if I
cancelled mine it was like what if they catch on at some point?
Or what if they walk into my house and go show me your Wi-Fi?
Are you going to log on Monday and the name of the Internet
change date youth even? What about when people do that?
Is that the height of NAF banter when people's Wi-Fi password on
a public thing is don't steal my Internet?
Yeah. Or is it actually pretty good
crack because you are trying to steal your?
Internet, I think it's good fun. Yeah.
OK. I think it's good fun.
I think if you do, you know, you see people too, who have kids
and they, like, change their Internet password and they don't
let them have the Internet until they'll do their chores.
I think they're called Nazis. That's so cruel.
Like the kids. Like how you're supposed to know
what's happening in the world if they haven't got their Internet.
Well, that's that's, that's a futuristic thing, the idea of
holding back. No.
People do that. No.
Broadband, yeah, No, no, no. But like, oh, I wasn't aware of
that. I didn't know.
That's the thing. But it's like nowadays, like
whenever I was younger and you got grounded, you got grounded
in the house. Whereas now we like grind the
kids and be like get out and play because they hate being
outside. They want to be inside with
their Internet and the punishment is like you have to
go outside and have fun you fucker.
Right outdoor you could show them how with your training how
to use Flint to. Make Yeah, we're going to go out
and make a Hut. I am.
I love being outside. I still like being outside.
Inside good, but it can be a bit overrated.
Outside class. I love outside.
I mean, my daughter's a real outdoorsy thing.
Like she fucking loves getting out to feed the birds.
If you give her a week, a week. So if you take her on to B&M
bargains, she will be besides herself trying to find the bags
of bird seed on the shelves, trying to find the bird.
Seed. That's weird that she's not a
retired 60 year old librarian. Yeah, no, but she might have
been reincarnated. Right.
Yeah, true. There could be a wee librarian
on her. Or maybe she was a bird before.
Yeah. And that's why she wants to see
she's. Back to the motherland.
So she she loves being outside and not there.
And Sean's very dozy, so I let them do their rebuts and paces
right? Do you know what I mean?
I like being outdoors too, but I don't want to write about an
article for Sunday Life. Yeah, not anymore.
You're going. To gaol that I mean that is not
my thing. Me and Sean were outside last at
the weekend, scored against Liverpool legend.
He's both scored. That's great.
So good, 2002 thousand people. There who scored for first year
him. Me, but I it was playing 3
thirds the game. Half an hour, half an hour, I
played just to give everybody a run out.
But I played in the middle game and he played in the last game.
Oh, because I had to go out a tour show.
But I saw a picture of you see both on the pitch at the same
time. I think he came on towards the
end of that because it was like even though we scored against
the legend, it was 68 year old man who couldn't move.
It was like, you know, that ad for Barclays walking football,
they were doing that and we were running as fast.
In football. You see everything that.
So they don't run, they just walk and keep.
Well, they would like to run but they're all and they all played
like professionally, so they're joints and all fucked.
So it's not real. It was great at the time, but
it's you can't really say you scored into Liverpool, you know
what I mean? But it was good, it was so good.
Nobody's going to check that shit.
Out 2000 people. I mean that's, that's
outrageous, unreal. You do think you'd have wanted
to have been a footballer had you not been into comedy.
Yeah, I mean, it wasn't an option.
Like I am a footballer, but I pay for Dundrum, you know what I
mean? It's like, of course I would in
a second. That'd be football.
If you were better, no. I'd mean like.
Yeah. No, no, no.
I mean that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm not like I'm not turning down the Premier League.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. To do stand up, yeah, yeah,
yeah, you know, they're not man. And I don't ring me and I'm like
boys it would but Ballycastle into here.
There's a chance Neeson might respond to an e-mail any day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm. Staying put.
Yeah, but the C plan on those games, it's best thing ever.
Like that was that was me and Sean.
Soccer is. Oh, that's nice.
Wembley 80,000 people now for 2000 people in your showgrounds.
That's it. My only experience of performing
athletically in front of a crowd was when I did karate.
Pardon. I did karate when I was like 8
right? So I did this.
The first belt, it's the white one, right?
Yeah, the match is the rest, the white outfit.
And we, you people come and watch and like the sports, all
your parents, all. Come How long have you been
doing it for? Up until that point.
Maybe six weeks. That's so ball, so six weeks in
you're like, you'll get me a fight.
Well, I think it was more like a this is the thing.
Have you ever seen adults do karate?
It's so shit. Yeah, non contact.
It's a dance, isn't? It there's a real hard boom.
Boom. And they just do it like no
one's touching each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, You know what
I mean? Like nobody's going to be in a
bar brawl and like, get their orange belt on and yeah, cause
any damage. It's.
Just that, yeah, it's just standing like that.
Yeah, we're going to get the shit kicked out of us by.
Karate, yeah. And we'll have to pretend it
hurts. I stop.
Stop doing poses in front of me. Stop doing the Macarena, come
home. I was out doing fucking the
poses and all that. You just walk around and go
down. And then in the middle of it,
yeah, I got really scared from somebody else going, like not
touching me, but just doing that.
And I started crying. And man, under the, I want to
say bleachers, but I think they're an American thing.
Didn't know you went to Sweet Valley High.
Who did you go to homecoming with?
Ran up to the benches, yeah. And started crying and it never
went back. Bleachers.
Oh. No, it's very American.
But you went home and got some Kool-aid anyway.
And. Went home and got some Kool-aid
and. Your boyfriend Pam across at the
time. Yeah, Rich, he was a he was a
jock. Chad, Chad, Yeah, no.
His name is Chad. I know, I know that.
Chad. American Chavs as we were
talking about Anthony, that's what I meant to say but my mom
whenever she would cover the plaster over the phone, she was
convinced that everyone's when Facebook, when I made her a
Facebook years ago statuses on Facebook, she was convinced that
was all directed at her and she. People were telling her that.
All the statuses were information like Donna, here's
my status for you. Right.
OK, OK. So she read it.
She rang me one day. My best friend's caught Marlo
reason. She was like why does Marloise
keep telling me about her hangover?
I don't. Care like.
She's telling the world, yeah, mom was like even more so.
Then why does everyone care? Do you know what the worst
things were when Facebook statuses were such and such is?
And then you write the rest? Yeah.
And like, you were like the third person, yeah.
It is wondering why Hollyoaks is so damn good.
You know, statuses were the worst and right.
So plug the podcast, but more it comes out on Thursday.
It's Thursday. Thursday.
Last time.
Last time, Yeah, It comes out on Thursday.
So it's great fun. We've had some really fun guests
on so far. You've been on it.
Yeah, you will be on it. I don't know how time work.
You're actually sniffing. Can you get high on pro stick?
Probably not the Tesco brand one.
Yeah, you probably get high on the real shit.
Yeah, Prit stick is the name of the brand.
I know. That's why that's a glue.
They're all glue sticks, aren't they?
Yeah, you're a glue stick. I think you thought you were
blowing my mind with that, but I understand what.
It's just because sometimes. You're a name for that.
We don't think you're blowing so much.
Well, you think Tip X to see it. You're like Tip X, but Tip X is
a brand. That way, no.
So, yes. So it's been.
So the first few guests are, yeah, Paddy McDonald and Gemma
Gart in the first week. And then there's Kerry Quinn and
Claire Afridi. Chain, Todd, Kieran.
Bartlett, Shane. Might be a tomorrow.
Coming out tomorrow, you know you're.
Done. Man with future times.
You that you're told that in confidence?
When does my episode get released?
Tomorrow, right? Your episode the same day I'm
coming out. Tomorrow the same day, yeah.
We got there, we got there. And yeah, it's great fun.
I don't know, just fucking wasn't it.
Just listen to it, watch it be on YouTube too.
That'll be on them places. Good.
What's a dream? What's?
The Dream. Yeah, Spotify.
Just to have a fun night sleep shake.
A fun night sleep full night. A fun night sleep sound shit.
Yeah, my dream would be to sleep on past 7.
Oh, imagine. Do you know what you couldn't?
Because I've been away in hotels with gigs.
I've been like, I'm going to sleep till 10 minutes before,
like, check out time. And then at 6:00, like that.
Yeah, me and Michael went away, you know, God help him.
I was like, at one point I was going over to him, like, tickle
his chin and be like, OK, we, man, you want to get up and all?
Yeah. You ready for your purge?
Yeah. And what's weird is he you're in
a nappy. Yeah.
I would love it although it was one day last week where my
daughter didn't wake up to like 7:45 which was so mental and I
genuinely was like should I check?
You check the breathing, Yeah, Yeah.
I can go and she'd actually wake up, so I'm sort of willing to
like. Oh, you're willing to give it a
few hours? Because like, that's rest, we've
been a respite for me. And if and if then if something
bad has happened, it happened anyway anyway.
Something bad has happened it. Happened anyway.
Not what I mean. I don't mean.
I don't mean that one, but I know why I said that.
I was downstairs from 6:00 having a coffee because I'm used
to being up and I was like what the fuck is this?
We about to do in a bit, right? Do you know what I mean?
Yeah. So the dream would be for us all
to sleep past 7. She nap.
Yeah, she sleeps really well. She sleeps 11 hours at night but
but I would just love for her to sleep 15 hours.
So what would you What I'm saying is, would you rather have
a £300 million Spotify deal? Would you rather have 8:00 every
morning for three months? Can I go 5050?
Can I have a? 150 million in a 6:00 AM Start
the dream. The dream, that's because I'll
be up at 6:00 AM just counting my money.
Yeah, it would take from six till 7 till she wakes up the
council of it each day. Oh, probably I'll do.
That what would you rather have would.
You rather I'd rather have to sleep.
What is so? Hold on.
So before you day, yeah. So that's just about to
terrified to wrap this podcast up.
Before you. Never leaves, Never leaves.
It's a lifelong. It's a lifelong illness.
Go ahead. Yeah, all right.
Of course is the worst is a region to me.
Probably not. If the if you were like to have
one more job before you died, what would it be?
So if it's like, oh, like the podcast becomes the most
successful podcast in the world, or you get like a Netflix
special or you get to star in your own huge Netflix Shane of
Thrones. Why can't I have Shane of
Crones? Shane of Crones.
Why can't I have it all? Because.
That's not how the world works, right?
If you were raised like that, I feel bad for you.
I want to be, I'd want to be the biggest stand up comedian in the
world. How is that measured?
I don't know. I just mean, if you're all for
me, no, Just like you'd know. Who do you think is the biggest
in the minute? Kevin, my friend Kevin Hart or
Dave Chappelle. I'd say Dave.
I wouldn't say Kevin Hart. I would say he's like top.
He's probably the top five. He's the biggest actor, though,
wasn't he? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. But I do what I don't know and I
like to do a mix of things. Yeah, you know, but I would take
all, I'd take a 2020 past 6 sleep tomorrow morning.
Though Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
On the and the yeah. In the short term, I'm happy to
sacrifice any career for a nap. Yeah, yeah.
Thanks very much for coming on. But also go on the Grand Opera
House website because you can buy tickets to my show
Bridesmaids at Northern Ireland. Keep standing and keep standing
all these plugs 00 the bot plugs there, which is weird.
Umm thank you very much for coming on.
I appreciate it You watch your podcast, go back in the.
Day remember when? Remember when, Thank you very
much put a link in somewhere N VPN, Manscaped, Patreon, the
conference TV podcast and the crack was good.
You fucking stop recording.