I'm Michael Che and I'm Colin Jose, and we've got a little
secret. Actually, it's a pretty big
secret. Well, now you got to give the
people something. I'm not saying a word.
Oh, then people won't know to tune in.
Come on, tell them a little. Like our hosting of comedy
events. Streaming only on Peacock.
Exactly how it's called New York After Dark.
And it's a comedy show that only features drop in comic.
Boom. You nail into Michael Che's
phone numbers. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey. New York After Dark.
It's some kind of comedy thing. And it's streaming now only on
Peacock. You love it. 12121212 yeah,
yeah. What's up?
Yeah, yeah. 1212 yeah, yeah. The last time I did a stand up
showing a really big venue, the there was a guy on stage doing a
sound check for me, one of the sound guys, and he was a sound
sound guy, but he just kept going.
You want to? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1/2 to
the point where like he did see if you've done that 10 times,
that's where I'm going. Surely everyone's got with the
need out of this, but he must have done it genuinely for 6
minutes. Yeah yeah. 1-2 yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. 1-2 yeah, yeah. As it says he's going, mate.
No, no, no, no, stop doing this but there you go listen, it's
it's a it's a DIY setup on the podcast this week.
That's exactly what it is. I have a laptop on top of a
printer scanner. I've got a printer scanner
because I'm a pretty cool guy in 1997.
And your mate, can I come around your house?
Use printer? Your mate, can I come around
your house and scan some football programmes?
What? Speaking of scanners, right?
My dad got me one year for Christmas on my birthday.
A scanner, but like a radio scanner.
And it was one of the most bizarre presents that I've ever
like. I told the story a couple weeks
ago about my dad got me a motorbike, motorbike gloves for
like a scrambler for Christmas one year, but didn't get me a
scrambler. And then one time he just got me
this like radio scanner from Cash Converters.
And I think he must have been like committing robberies
because as a kid there was nothing interesting for me to
tune into. Because there's a wee book.
And it's like if you listen to this number or whatever, it's
the stewards down at the down at Windsor Park.
Mental. I mean, I, I might have made
that up, but I think that was a thing.
And you just hear 2 fellows being like, all right, Venti,
listen, someone shake themselves around the back of the South
stand here. Cheers, Tommy.
I'll come around. Sort that out now.
Muckler, does anybody all die from Burger Van?
All right, lads, tell me here. Listen, you know, I don't know
why I had one, but I just know it was the thing.
But it's a DIY setup this week. The reason for that is producer
Dan has taken himself on a little bit of a holiday.
He's going to the World Surf Championships.
So I wish him all the best. I think he can do it because he
is probably the best surfer in the world.
Surfs up cowabunga. He loves all that chat.
He beheaded to him Billabong gear walking about the Ross
neither beach. So that is a thing.
If you if you're maybe off, you want to do a staycation, head to
Ross neither and you might catch a sight of Britney Spears dab
producer Dan just hitting the waves.
I mean, he's told me that's what he's doing that he's going
surfing for a week. But in all honesty, he's
probably just sitting at home just getting a break from me and
that's totally fair. But I'm killing it.
On Sunday, I uploaded the Patreon podcast for the next day
and I I scheduled it. I told the Internet I want it
out tomorrow. On the Internet was like, no
worries. What time do you want it out at?
Successfully did that. I'm doing all my own tech this
week. I'm doing the uploading of it.
So whatever errors there are, I can only apologise before we get
stuck into the podcast. Shouted to the tea with me Merc
before we get into anything Shopify Shane Todd comedy Google
Shopify Shane Todd comedy. See the tea with me merchandise
like the sweet mugs that I'm drinking of right now.
They they're on there in the zipper T-shirt and money toe
T-shirt, which I will wear when we're back in studio to the
podcast. Let me plug the Patreon, which
is patreon.com/tea with me podcast where you get the bonus
episode on a Monday with me and producer Dan.
But bear in mind last Monday it was just me because he has
abandoned all of the zippers. And then you get stuff like the
live podcast that only the Patreons get to see.
You get my fingers are deformed. If you're watching the video
podcast, I admit it, my fingers are deformed.
Got a story about that in a second patreon.com/TMA podcast.
You can support the podcast every month.
If it's something you're interested in, great.
If you're like made or just lost my job and have 17 children,
don't even worry about it. I apologise.
Yeah, let me tell you this story.
I was playing football on Saturday.
Could be like 97 nil. Sweet.
And then I hurt my hand playing football.
I ran me and this me and this guy ran into each other.
I think it was definitely a bad fight for me, I think.
But we cluttered into each other and my hand was out straight and
he ran into my hand and my finger was sore at the time.
And then I got home from football at 4:00.
And then about half seven, just me and the baby in the house.
My wife was out for dinner. Then I'd start getting this pain
in my hand, not my finger. And I was like, that's kind of
sore. Then half an hour later I text
my wife when she was out, like just literally enjoying one of
her first nights out since a baby.
And I texted her and was like, listen, don't be traumatic here.
But I've broken every bone in my hand and wrist and I have to go
to Annie Noi. She wrote back, she's like,
here, I'm on my way home. I was like, no, just enjoy your
night out. She's like, you can't.
She makes fairpoint. She's like, you can't really
text me and say, by the way, I described it at 10 out of 10:00
PM and she described labourers 8 out of 10 to your friends.
So, so it's crazy that it's crazy that my wrist was sorer
than childbirth. But but basically what happened
was my hand just stopped working and I had the this is so this is
so me, right? This is so me.
I had to text my neighbour and ask him to come.
I had to text my neighbour and ask him to come in and pour me a
hot water bottle so I could put it over my arm.
There you go. I rested my hand on a hot water
bottle and I had to text my neighbour Lawrence and say
Lawrence, I'm Pearly. And he, I, I said, listen, I
need you to come in here. I'm having a bit of a situation.
He thought there was something wrong with the baby.
There wasn't. There was something wrong with
the original baby's hand. I said listen, I don't, I'm not
a medical expert, but my hand is fucked and I need help ASAP.
And then also very, very me. I remember there's like a
private hospital in the Lisburn Rd.
So I started Googling private hospital, Lisburn Road, 24 hour
X-ray, just to see if they did that because I didn't want to go
to any hospital in Belfast because on Saturday night
there's a lot of headers knocking about them.
And that's a true story. So I was willing to go through
10 out of 10 pain to not run into some fellow with a knife
sticking out of his head going all right bro, what are you at
tonight? So I went through probably an
hour of agony where I was literally going just sitting on
the sofa. I never take tablets, right,
unless I'm going like a Daniel O'Donnell concert and I'll, I'll
pop a few ES right? But I never take like
painkillers or anything like that.
Because I was about to say I'm a hard bastard.
But then I did just tell you how to get my neighbour to come in
to pour me a hot water bottle. But but I never take.
But I took two paracetamol to a briefing.
Then about an hour later I forgot my hand was sore because
I was changing the TV channel with the bad hand.
And then I text my wife and I was like, listen, I don't even
think it's broken at all. And then I googled, and I never
do this, but I Googled the symptoms of what had happened to
me. And then Google just said, I
like ask Jeeves or whatever. And Jeeves said it was just a
spasm. If you've injured your wrist,
you can get a little carpal spasm in it.
And that's what it was. And that is definitely in the
name of this week's episode, carpal spasm.
So the moral of that is don't always assume that you we'll be
leaving hospital in full body cast if your hands a bit sore
sometimes if you just wait like 10 minutes, it might just work
itself out and now my hands fine.
But but yes, I, I, what I'm saying is I was asked to
describe the pain out of 10 and I probably shouldn't have said
10 because I don't with Heinz said it wasn't 10.
But a lot of guys wouldn't, you know, if a lot of people went
through that, they wouldn't do the podcast, probably take a
couple of months off like producer Dan.
But but I'm back, I'm back. I mean, it didn't go anywhere,
but I'm back and it's been a weird, it's been a weird day or
two with the whole, you know, COVID thing, the whole lockdown
thing. And I've tried never really to
talk about it on this podcast apart from, to be fair, the one
COVID special episode that we did.
That's my tummy making a week or noise earlier.
There you go. But at 10 out of 10 PM, Oh my
God, I've got to go to A&E. Actually, no, it's fine.
So yeah, with the whole COVID 2 lockdown, that meant as far as
sequels go, I wouldn't like to see it, you know, because the
first one was so shit, Lockdown one.
But if lockdown 2 comes in and I start writing poetry or
something because it's doing start and by the way, somebody
will be like, you think you've got a hard BLOB.
No, I don't, but I only know my own experience and as a stand up
comedian who feels a need to perform and get up and do stand
up, like that's me really, really being me.
When I get up and do stand up and it's the best thing ever, it
will be difficult because it's like we, I got to go back to it
2 weekends ago, you know, stand up.
I got to go back to work and I just happened to love my job and
I went back to it and thought this is it all starting again.
It's coming back, it's coming home, it's coming home, it's
coming stand ups, coming home. And then the next week Arlene
and the boys are like, listen, fuck that.
We're shutting the shit down. I mean, they're not shutting
bars. I mean, that's a whole other
argument. I'm just I'm very confused about
it all. I felt like normality was going
to slightly come back with stand up and I could see what the next
year for me would look like with work.
And now with this all happening, I have no idea what's going to
happen in the next year. So don't know.
It's it's one more like, you know, I'll still be able to do
podcast obviously, no matter what.
Hopefully I can still do radio and that kind of thing, although
we do 10 week runs on Radio Ulster so not be doing that for
a couple of months I think. So we just don't really know
what what the crack is with with stand up.
So for the first time ever since I went full time at doing stand
up, which is like 5 or 6 years, I had the thought of and, and we
talked about this on a Patreon episode recently of what I would
do if I wasn't doing this job. And it's something that I've
started to think about a little bit more.
Like I, I think long term I'll always be able to do stand up,
but I don't know, I was thinking about it going what if there
just is podcast and radio maybe. And so I'm only working for a
couple hours a week. Should I be going out and doing
something else? And, and I would never, I've
been really lucky in the last couple of years, especially with
stand up to, to make a good living at it and be able to do
this as, as my job. But I would have 0 qualms about
going out and and doing whatever.
I don't even, I don't even know what I would do.
I don't know what I would do, but it's definitely something
I've had to think about. I'm not is why we need to avoid
the second lockdown because she and Todd has had to think about
the fact that he might not just do stand up, But it's, it's it's
a weird one, like, especially with the baby as well, you know,
not not being able to have visitors and run to the house
and take them under, you know, other people's houses, which is
something that we thought we were going to be able to do in
the not too distant future. It's it's just a giant melt like
it really is. And I've been, I've talked about
it on this podcast that I've been totally fine through
lockdown and all this thing like mood wise, you know, I am very
like laid back about it. And you know, as long as like my
family are OK, That's that's the main thing.
But in terms of like my job and stuff, I was like, you know
what, it's going to be OK, we'll have to adopt.
It's going to be fine. But this week is the first time
that it's like got to me a bit and I don't, I don't know, it's
just, it's just difficult to, it's difficult to deal with
because everything is so stop, start.
You know, when I think back to it, lockdown, luckily for us
wasn't too bad because we had enough to to do.
We did things around the house, the baby was coming, we had
loads of distractions basically. So I know that if another
lockdown came in, we would be totally OK to deal with it.
But don't know, it's weird. Like it really is.
It really is weird. And I wouldn't even go as far as
to says it's got me down, but it's definitely just got me
more, more pessimistic about things because I'm an eternal
optimist. Like my motto is like, it'll be
fine. Like everything.
Like whenever the, whenever I got diagnosed with Crohn's,
Crohn's disease, the consultant was like, it's Crohn's and I was
like, it'll be fine. He's like, I know, but you might
want to like, you know, look it up and stuff and learn more
about the condition because it can be pretty bad.
And I was like, doc, trust me, the best thing we can do here is
do nothing. And he said that's not true.
I'm a qualified Dr And I had to just say, do you know what?
You're right, but I don't know. There's going to be a way to do
stand up. There's going to be a way to do
stand up. I've got some ideas.
I'm going to see if they can happen because the government is
obviously unable to have and I'm not in the politics at all.
So some people might say, listen, mate, you got this
totally wrong. I don't care.
Some people, the government, they're basically like, listen,
we're not shutting down the economy.
We're not shutting down bars and restaurants really will put
restrictions on them, but we're not shutting them down so that
they can still keep getting their tax and get their money.
And and that that thing of like people putting tweets up and
stuff saying I feel like I'm on a couch here, pour my feelings
out. That whole thing of people
saying I can't go around to my granny's house to visit her, but
I can go to Thompson's with her. I think I saw a tweet like that,
that that is beyond mad. And the thing that the thing I
really felt insulted by was Arlene Foster at the briefing
saying, yeah, the reason that we're not allowing home visits
to happen is because we find that that's when a lot of time
COVID is passed around, when people are off guard at home.
So they're basically saying you're more, you're more likely
to come into closer contact with someone when you're at home all
chilled out, relaxed, sitting on sofas.
And sofas are usually fairly spread out from each other,
especially when you're from north down.
Obviously there can be a good, you know, 50 feet between each
because the houses are massive. But they, they are saying that
you have more chance of getting it in a home situation as
opposed to down at the pub when you've had 10 pints and your
mate has you in a headlock. That that's, that's the
insulting that we'd almost prefer them to come out and say,
listen, we can't afford to really shut down the economy
again. So we're going to have to keep
this going. And this is an ideal, but This
is why we're doing that. But it's just like it's the
excuse of, you know, the home is where you're going to get the
it's, it's going to be the last place you would you would get
it. Because I know that friends of
mine have a load of pints. You know, they will the hogs
will be dished out. You know, friends of mine were
like all me and all my friends. We like the French, me and my
mates, like they do friend, like continental kisses, like
something like 3. And, and that will still happen
obviously when people are right. And then when people go out and
they got, they now go, bars are going to close at 10:00.
Everyone's just going to go here, fuck it, come to my house,
you know. So I don't know, I don't know my
concern, like looking at the whole hospitality thing, I'm
thinking about stand up and I'm going, is there a way around
this? Can we do something here?
And you know what? I think we can fuck it.
I'm optimistic again. And that was a quick turn
around. That was like my wrist.
That was like me and my wrist. One second there I was like,
listen, I'm quitting stand up. I'm going to be a digger driver.
And then 3 minutes later, I've now decided, fuck it, it's going
to be all right. And the reason it's going to be
all right is the reason it's going to be alright is because
stand up is great crack and people kind of do need stand up
in a way, I think. And I definitely need to do it
so so see what happens. Hey, this is weird.
I've been asked to go on. No Nolan tonight.
If this is the night you're getting to see the episode as a
as a guest, the TV show, I was totally startled by even being
asked to do it. And I was like, what they want
do? What do they want me to to
debate? You know, is there a debate
about, you know, cute guys? Do I need to be defending cute
guys here as a as a registered cute guy?
But they were like, no, it's just like the celebrity
interview. Now this podcast is always a way
for me to just totally like be honest, be upfront about things
and like, it's the ramblings of a madman essentially.
And, and I am very uncomfortable with the now this, this sounds
like a dickhead thing to say. If someone else was saying this,
I'd be like, roll my eyes, be like, oh mate, shut up.
I am uncomfortable with the tag of celebrity and anyone I know
that does the same kind of thing as me would feel exactly the
same way. Like I think we would find it
more funny than anything. For example, Colin Guinness,
Colin would probably like myself, like at times jokingly
refer to himself as a celebrity or like myself, say he's an
influencer or that kind of thing because that's something that we
are that we would be uncomfortable with and that we
like to take the best out of. And then and honestly, weirdly
there, I thought I was going to hiccup and I felt like I was
going to drown. So, so there's that too.
That's correct with that, but I just don't know what I like.
It's always good if you've got something to talk about, like
I've got this gig, you know, because I think a lot of stand
ups are actually very modest. You know, like superstar world
class style. Looks like myself are very
modest. And you know, it's weird.
You might see me on the show tomorrow night or you might not.
I don't. I have no idea.
If I would be a good fit for something like that or not?
Because if you do that, are you then basically being like, yes,
I am a celebrity. Let's just talk about me for a
while. I don't know.
It's, it's bizarre. Then I'm also thinking like,
would I have to wear a suit? I don't like to wear a suit.
Can I just go in like, because for the past nine months all
I've been wearing is shorts, trainers and crop tops and I'm
thinking can I go on Nolan live, you know, dress like I'm just
about to head the beach in Tenerife because that, that's my
vibe. I don't know, don't know.
It's weird. I used to do, I used to warm up
for the Nolan show, for the TV show years ago, I did 6
episodes, either 6 or 8 episodes.
I was the warm up guy and I'd never done TV warm up before.
Mickey Bartlett's done loads of TV warmups, so he always told me
about it and told me some horror stories and also sometimes where
he's like, no, it's good. But I did it.
The Nolan show warm up on the first week I did it.
It was brilliant. Like it was really good.
Like you're in the BBC Black staff studios, there's a couple
of 100 people there. This is obviously way pretty
COVID. This is 6 years ago or
something, maybe more. Yeah, about say 6-7 years ago.
And I did the first week and you go out before the show goes on
air, you do 15 minutes to warm up the crowd.
And I just went out and did my usual set and it was brilliant.
And I was like, this is really good fun.
And it was really, it was like good money too.
And then the next week I like breezed it.
Oh, by the way, the first week I had a dressing room and I was
like, fucking hell, this is class.
And it was like grapes on. And I was like, this is Brad
love grapes. And then the next week I went
back, there was no dressing room and I died a horrendous death on
stage, not because there was no dressing room.
I stand in protest like that guy with the tank in Tiananmen
Square. He I no choked laughing at my my
own banter there. But the second gig, I didn't do
well at all, like, at all. I couldn't work it out.
Why? And then I was driving home and
I was like, you know, people are there to talk about a lot of
contentious issues on the Nolan show at times.
This was the time during, like, the flag protest.
So let's just say tensions were raised and loyalists were red in
the face. And I was coming out in a room
full of people who were all there to, like, make points.
By and large, I was coming out and being like, oh, do you ever
get it when you're, you're, you're 23 and then this thing
happens and I was all I, I, I died.
So comedians will say died on stage and it means like you get
nothing. That happened to me for every
single show after that first one.
And it was, it was horrendous. I was really bad at the job of a
warm up man. And I think people think if you
do stand up, you would just by default be really good at that.
But I've seen some that warm up men like stand ups who are
really, really good at it. And they're good at it because
they can just be like, you know, give us a big cheer and this
section, give me a cheer and Boo that section.
And what's your name? And like, it is an A slightly
different art to stand up, but probably within stand up.
And I was just so bad at it. So maybe they want to get me
back. Maybe I've got this wrong.
Maybe I'm not like the celebrity guest.
Maybe they just want to get me back to like look for an
explanation and say like, listen, can you pay some of some
of this money back? Because we thought we were
getting something that we weren't.
Also when I was doing warm up for that show, Spandau Ballet
were playing on the show as in like, no, this much is true.
And then and the guy Tony Hadley, who's like the main guy
was chatting away to me backstage for like half an hour.
He started to, he's like, are you the warm up guy?
He goes, do you know Tim Vine? I said, yeah, he was like, he's
a friend of mine. He was chatting me about
standing up for ages. And then Martin Kemp, the guy
that was in EastEnders, who is fairly sexy guy, sexy old old
guy, walked past me in the corridor.
It was just me and him, nobody else about.
And we walked past each other and I was clearly working on the
show, like I had a microphone man walking past them.
And I said alright mate, how are you?
You know, just like not stopping for conversation, just the
courtesy thing. And he like smirked at me and
just kept walking. He was like Ellen DeGeneres to
her staff. And since then I've been
obsessed with taking down Martin Kemp.
So if anyone has any information on Martin that might be useful
for the Sunday papers, get in touch.
Yeah, I don't know if I'll do that or not.
Maybe you will see me on it and it'll be fine.
But sometimes I'm like, I can't just talk about myself.
Nobody would find that interest. And if I was like, I have
started standing up in 2006. So who knows, who knows, maybe
maybe it'll, you know what I mean.
Some it's something to do, You know, it could be a wee, a wee
night trip to Belfast. I could get a Boo gym on the way
home. It could be a bit of fun.
We'll just, we'll just have to see.
I want to do listeners questions because I've got loads and loads
of them. And before I do that, I got to
do the manscape. Read manscape.com Manscaped or
precision tools for your family jewels.
Now what does that translate as? That translates as Manscaped or
this company that they spent a long time looking at pubic hair,
not in like a research way. And they decided that like guys,
pubic hair was grow like gross in a lot of cases.
And they were like, we need to do something about this.
It's selfless work really. So they came up with the lawn
mower 3.0, which is an electric trimmer.
And what you do is you, you touch that to the area above
your male genitals. And what happens is you do that
for a very short amount of time. And then when you stop doing
that, you're 1000% better as a person.
Like producer Dan and I used this, I used it.
I've always been a scissors guy, Edward Scissorhands down in that
department when it comes to that male grooming below the waist.
And I've always, I've always kept it tidy.
I've always kept it fresh and tidy.
But Producer Dan has said he had actually, he'd been growing his
since birth. Really.
He's like, I've never trimmed or cut my hair down there, to be
honest. It was it.
What's a bit what's the best way to Rapunzel is the best way to
describe it Like a red Rapunzel who might who might who might
have been actually have had ginger.
Anyway, we used it, we loved it. manscape.com you get 20% off and
free shipping with the code Tea with me, all one word tea with
me 20% off and free shipping. The lawnmower 3 point those
class. A lot of mates of mine use it.
Didn't know we were podcast sponsor.
And then I was like, that's disappointing because you could
have saved so much money. So check it out girls, get it
for your guys, guys get it for your guys.
And by your guys, I mean your testicles.
So there you go. We're doing public service work
here. We have loads of questions.
As I said, I want to get through them here.
Twitter. Let's let's kick off on the old
Twitter. What have we got?
We have. Oh, that's not a question.
Oh yeah, here we go. Here we go.
We got 6 questions on Twitter. Colin Gribbon says.
What's your Nando's order? My Nando's order is quite
substantial. I get myself butterfly chicken,
medium Perry, Berry chips, pineapple and usually an avocado
and a wheat Diet Coke or a Coke 0 or last week on the radio show
I had a full fat Coke and jeez, I was up all night just being
hyper. You know, is running about doing
like, aeroplane, like wedding dancing and just being really
giddy. Dave Elliot, if you'd be
interested. Dineau likes to get his chicken
thighs. Dave likes thighs, spicy rice,
peas and halloumi. So there you go.
Paul Doherty says. What do you make of Port Stuart
getting the town getting crowned?
Is the town most of its own ours?
Is this a real thing, Port Stuart or Port Rush Port Stuart?
I mean, I feel like this isn't going to be an official.
If I Google Port Stuart up its own nurse, we'll we'll hopefully
there's not a guy called Stuart Port who's done some work for
Pornhub. Oh, I'm going to guess this is
like a, what would you say, like a parody news thing?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, so it's not a real thing, so I can't really comment on it.
But what I can say about Port Stewart is I like it.
I like the port in general. And it's become one of those
things that, you know, it's like bands, man.
Once we become so mainstream, you know, Kings Of Leon, the
North Coast is somewhere that everyone goes and everyone just
talks about it and it's almost like lazy.
Anyway, people were like up the port, up the North Coast that we
love it. It is good, it is good.
I like, I like Port Stewart, I like Harry's Shack, I like that.
I like the Remor. I like some of the wee coffee
shops there and I like the vibe. I like walking about Barry's and
people watching. I like there's a really good
chippy right beside Barry's too. I like the North Coast.
I like gigging up there. Did a gig in Kiwis Bar just
before lockdown, which was really a lot of fun.
So I do like the North Coast. Is Port Stewart up its own ours?
I don't know. I think Port Stewart's one of
those places where every, well, a lot of the houses there are
like holiday homes. So I don't know if there is a
reputation of Port Stewart being up its own ours place.
But if it is, it's like people who don't live there that just
like have a second home and just don't treat it like their town.
So I'd say the actual Port Stewartians are actually fairly
signed, M Herody says. What does a comedian do on the
daily? More so, how does a comedian
actually do his job? Come up with stories or jokes,
and how do you tailor it from its first from first inception?
What does a comedian do daily? The answer in most cases is 0 is
get up at 6:00, have a super noodle sandwich and smoke a fag.
But there's everybody. Everybody I know has a different
routine. Routine in terms of how they
work, how they write material, their like daily rituals and
stuff like that. Like personally, whenever I
first started doing stand up as a job, I was kind of still in
that student. So I've been a student then.
I had a real job then I did stand up full time, but when I
did stand up full time, I was so glad I didn't have to get up at
a certain time for work in the morning that I kind of went back
to being a student. So I was getting up really late
at like 10, half 10, which for me now is extremely late and
just not really putting the graph then.
But then when I realised like doing this is going to be
tougher than I thought to actually make a full time living
out of this, I started to have a bit of a routine.
I started gradually getting up earlier and now my routine would
kind of be get up at about 7, half, 7, have breakfast and
maybe try and do a workout at that time.
It's different now with the baby, like I'm falling into a
new routine and I'm still trying to figure that out and the
changes with the week and stuff. But that's all part of the fun.
But I will typically work from about 10 until 4:00.
But in that time, if I need to go do something or something
else crops up or it's a beautiful day outside.
So I'm like, fuck it, let's just go on a road trip.
North Coast, North Coast, woo. I will just go and do that if if
I've got more work done. But it's a lot of thinking about
days. It's a lot of writing.
It's a lot of editing, doing things like podcasts, meetings,
No2 no two days are really ever the same.
But I'm going to get back now into more script writing.
So that will involve I write scripts better at night.
So what I'll probably do is more family stuff during the day, my
share of the housework and come on, that kind of thing.
And then I can try and write like late at night.
So I don't know how I also, how much do you tailor jokes from
your first impression? I think you mean like, how much
do do you edit them from the first time you perform them?
And the answer is sometimes not at all.
Sometimes the first time you perform it, you go, that works
like that. So I'll just keep doing that
like that. Or sometimes you change the
whole thing. Just depends on how the joke
goes down. But in most cases you do change
it and you try and cut the fat off it because when you do it
for the first time, you sort of waffle a bit around it and you
take too long to get to the point.
Whereas when you've been doing it, you know how to get to the
meat of the joke quicker. So you kind of just edit that
away a wee bit. Next says who's your favourite,
favourite NFL team? I'm from Northern Ireland, a
man, so I wouldn't have one I love.
I love NFL, like fashion and stuff and like NBA gear and all
that kind of thing. I like all that kind of stuff.
But I'll be honest, I have no idea what I said just before I
said that. Zero idea what I said.
And I went, I like all that kind of stuff.
I have no idea what I'm talking about.
Hopefully it wasn't something terrible.
We have a question from Ben Emerson, who says, what's your
favourite thing about Logan? And don't say the word out of
it, you cheeky skump. The best thing about Logan, best
thing about Logan is Michael a Church Lane Dental that that's
who I've been going to as my dentist recently.
But best thing about Lurgan is probably the day that me and
Dave Elliot played at Morning View Park, Glen Evans ground in
a charity game and we won the game.
I think I surprised a few people by just having AI was like Gary
Neville in his peak that game playing right back and Dave
saved the winning penalty in the shootout and they me and him got
a big McDonald's. So that's the best thing about
Lurgan, Brona, Mcpeak says. How do you speak so pleasantly?
How do I speak so pleasantly? Well, this isn't my real voice.
This is not my I first started saying I want to do stand up TV,
radio, that kind of thing. And then let's just say a few
mentors of mine basically were like, you can't speak like that.
So my actual. My voice was like, they're born
also they I so I'd be speaking like that for ages.
And I was like, there's no want to do TV and acting on, stand up
and park on. And then everybody like, made
the country like that, you know? So then they're like, no, you
have to change it. So I went through probably about
nine months of vocal training, and that was actually the first
time I went back to that voice. But on Sundays when I'm just
running the house, I will speak like that.
Why do I speak so pleasantly? Alright, alright, well, what's
happening? No.
Why is that? Why is that guy always around?
Little Little, even if you're just trying to get a pizza after
a night out. All right mate, can I?
Buy here. See.
And is it cheese, you know? What?
And no, do do cheese, you know. Yeah, I think, I think they do.
I think they. I think they.
Do cheese me? Yeah, I think they do.
Cheese eyes causal. Yeah 'cause yeah, 100% causal.
Yeah. I see.
Crazy, mate. They're found on antibiotics,
you know. They're sorry.
They're fell in the carriage, Ranty by Addie, you know, but in
much better in the fucking show, yeah.
Alright bro, cheers. I speak so pleasantly because I
had voice training. I didn't.
I don't know. I don't know.
I do have AI do have a pleasant voice.
I do have a pleasant voice and because I am, and I will
describe myself as this well spoken, a lot of people are
like, man, you must be from a very, very rich background.
And I'm not from a very, very rich background.
But part of me likes to just go with it.
And I'm like, yes, my, my father is the Sultan of Brunei.
You know, I don't know. I just, I just, I just speak the
way I speak. And the way I speak like that,
no, no, I just messing about no. And talk different now for
comedy because you're doing stand up, I guess, and all.
And then in Northern Ireland to be alright.
But then what if I was doing games, you know, in New York and
all, and I was like, alright, New York, what happening now?
I just have a pleasant voice and some people get really obsessed
with that and go, you know, you speak with a very middle class
voice and honestly, I don't lose sleep over that.
I'm like, OK, I guess I do. I guess I just speak with
character. But I don't know.
I don't know. I just, I was just born like
this, Matthew Mernan says. Do you wet the toothbrush before
or after the toothpaste? Now, I know Matthew Mernan, this
is code for some sort of sexual weird thing that he's into.
But if I'm taking this literally, of course I wet the
toothbrush before I put the toothpaste on, before I brush my
teeth because Oh no, oh fuck. What do I do?
I think, yeah, I think what I do is I put my toothpaste on the
toothbrush and then I run that under the top a little bit and
then I just get in there. But.
But it'd be weird with the toothbrush after the toothpaste,
I think known before my. I don't know.
And if that's designed to make my head explode, you just did
it. Congratulations.
Matthew Collins. Bar Mitzvah.
Yeah, I put up a thing last night about I'm doing stand up
at loads of different events, weddings, funerals, all that
kind of stuff. Contact me to book me.
And Matthew was just keen to know if I was up for doing a a
mitzvah. And the answer is Shalom,
brother. I don't know if it's Shalom or
Shamon, one of the two Dhama Jewish brothers, but Matthew
Hyland. Is Robert De Niro your favourite
actor of all time? And why is Robert De Niro my
favourite actor of all time? No, he's not.
My favourite actor of all time is the guy that plays Uncle
Andy. You can get my headpiece.
And Denzel Washington and Christian Bale, don't know, like
De Niro's obviously good, but he's nearly been in too much
good stuff to the point where you just forget.
Like you expect him to be brilliant and everything, but
what ruined everything was when he was in the Irishman and he
kicked that guy in that fight scene that undermined everything
he'd done up until that point. And I think he should be
stripped of every award he's ever won because he's a 70 year
old guy trying to kick someone as a 20 year old and it just
didn't happen for him. He's also done fair few, fair
few shit films as well. But he can, you know, I mean, he
deserves it. He's De Niro.
Talking to me? Are you talking to me?
I don't know if people know this, but I, yeah, I don't know
if people know this, but basically since lockdown has
come around, there aren't as many gigs going on.
I have been getting a lot of work as a Robert De Niro
impressionist, so watch out for me on the scene and if you want
to book me for that. E-mail me and you got me talking
to me. Are you talking to me?
Because I don't see anybody else.
How class would it be if I signed up as a Robert De Niro
impressionist? Someone booked me for like a
corporate function to do Robert De Niro and then I just showed
up doing a really bad Robert De Niro.
That'll be £700 please. Yeah, Robert, dinner was good.
He's not my favourite actor of all time.
I'm sorry, he just isn't Patrick Quinn BGIC, the geek Belfast guy
in China says. How do you envisage Christmas
2020? This is of course your first.
Is Daddy cool? So it may naturally be a relaxed
one for you, but do you think there'll be any normality in
pubs and clubs as well as getting to perform?
PS What a great gesture of you to do stand up at weddings.
Not all heroes are called Westwood.
Yo baby. I mean, it was a nice gesture
that I was like, I'll do stand up at a wedding for free because
there's not many gigs and we pick the winner.
And I'm doing that very, very soon.
And I'm going to shoot like a wee video about me doing stand
up at a wedding just so people as well are like, oh, he
actually did do that. He's not just making up the fact
that he said he's going to pick someone around them to do it.
But then since then loads of people got in touch him and
like, are you just doing stand up for free at weddings?
Can you just come and do set up my wedding?
It was just for that competition.
If you want to put me to do stand up your wedding, you've
got to pay for it because my baby needs food.
And by my baby needs food I mean I need steroids.
Do you see any normality of Christmas in pubs and clubs?
No I don't think so. Although if the bars and all are
open now, any chance they ought to be open then?
So I think the normal now will probably be normal then, if that
makes sense. So I think it will feel like a
normal Christmas in a way. So if you want to go out for a
meal or drinks for your friends, you still can do it.
But for someone like me, doesn't go drinking very often, not
really into that. It still will be a novelty
probably for me. I think I've seen recently the
podcast every three months for Drinking Suits me, Suits me down
to the ground. But at Christmas I do enjoy
drinks in Hollywood with my mates, you know, Christmas Eve
that did last year and the year before and yeah, that's a lot of
fun. So hopefully I get to do that.
That would be great. One flying Irishman with you and
Dave's bitter divorce and the inevitable loss of your
godfather title. What are your plans to cover up
your godfather tattoo? Perhaps a collab with the East
Belfast chippy? The called Father I don't think.
Is the called father still there or was that?
Was that for Called an Ulster? Remember that?
Or did they like both stop being chippies?
I have no idea. No, essentially Dave and I have
fallen out, but he has allowed me to continue my role of his
daughter Holly's godfather. But maybe I do need to cover
this tattoo up. I, I, I don't know.
I, by the way, I have a massive tattoo in the back of my leg as
a tall father. Not a lot of people know that or
think I'm being serious, but I am being serious about that.
And then so I've got to get a tattoo from, from my boy because
I can't, he can't grow up. And GoDaddy, what's up?
And I go, that's a tattoo I've I've got for another, another
little baby. He'd be like, why can't you get
one for me? I'm a little baby.
So then I'll have to get one for him.
So essentially, depending on how many kids I have, I could end up
like Michael Schofield at a prison break.
Glenn Lindsey, how do you deal with Dave Elliott looking better
than you in a football top? Glenn, shut up.
What are you talking about? Because he doesn't.
He wears weird crusader shirt 20 dozen support crusaders.
It's like a real life troll project with it's just weird
banter. He doesn't like Irish league
football. He doesn't like crusaders.
And I actually look really see see, to be honest, Glenn, if
you're watching the video version of the podcast, you look
creep look at and this wasn't planned by the way.
I just have some I should put these clothes away.
I have an inter Miami top. This is David Beckham's team,
and it's white with pink trim. And when I wear this, my eyes
sparkle and on the football pitch, I look F and fabulous.
So F you Trump, Johnny Bo. Is it annoying when you have
visitors? The baby gets all the attention.
You know what? You learn to accept that very,
very quickly. You learn to just be like, OK,
you know, you just don't get a lot of attention anymore.
When people used to come into my house and say, how's the wee
man? They would look at me and I'd
go, OK, thank you. But now it's about him.
And begrudgingly I've just had the accepted.
So yeah, the only thing is people kind of treat me like
another child in terms of like when they get him a present,
sometimes they get me a little something too just so I don't
get that. I don't get jealous and steal
his presence, which you do quite a lot of the time.
And it's weird when they're closed because they are very,
very small on me because he's a newborn baby and I'm a massive
guy. Gordon Rourke played a few
friendlies against Belfast football teams recently and in
one there was a bald fellow who got told he looked like someone
ordered Jason Statham of Wish. What is the best slabber or
thing you've heard playing a football game?
And my mate Stevie actually asked this as a podcast question
recently too and I forgot the answer.
Right. The thing with that is that
feels like it might have been pre prepared which is not good
local football banter really. You know it's it's niche.
It sounds like someone is trying to land the big punchline there,
but it's wordy, right? So if you're out of breath and
you're using that one, you know, on a hot day or whatever you
might, you could get that wrong. You look like someone or Jason
Stathamov wish Stathamov wish. You know, the pronunciation is
relatively difficult there, so I wouldn't recommend that one, but
I might need to see the fellow to get the context.
Some of the best ones I've heard are, and someones I like to get
involved with is as soon as the ref kicks off the game and I
want to see people doing this by the way in the next couple of
weeks. As soon as the ref kicks, blows
the whistle to kick off the game, just shoot ref alongs left
straight away. That's my mate Ryan.
That's one of my mate. Ryan's a good one.
Is somebody cracking up on the pitch, like going nuts like
putting in big tackles and all or slobbering at the sideline?
Just everything alright at home, mate?
That's good. What else?
What, what, what I, because I'm 32, what I kind of like is just
like laughing at things. Like when I was playing football
recently, I was being marked by like a way younger guy.
Like a guy's probably like 19 or 20.
And in the first minute or two, like we're not even running for
a cross. We're just like just like
running down the pitch and he like gets really tight and
starts trying to like throw a couple of elbows into the side
and stuff and pull the shirt. And I like, I just burst out
laughing. I was like, what are we doing?
What are we doing? There's no fans here.
If you do this, you're not going to get a move to Real Madrid.
So why not just like, let's just play football.
That's all I'm interested in doing.
I spent a couple of weeks ago, there was like a full fight on
the pitch basically. And then this fella came on so
the match was pretty dirty and he was a big, big guy, like a
big bald guy with a beard and tattoos.
And he came on and he lurked like dead serious and intense at
me. And I said, mate, see if there's
another fight here. And he looked like his head
turned 180°. He's like, what?
And I went, you and me aren't getting involved.
And then he burst out laughing and I was like, thank fuck he he
thinks something funny. Then I just kept trying to be as
me at the whole game so he wouldn't start me in a fight.
I think he just transferred to that team from MC Alberry FC,
but that's cool. Amy Dixon, best and worst thing
your best man said about you in a speech you wouldn't.
So I had two best men, Stevie and John.
The best and worst thing they said to me.
My mate Stevie pointed out that I used to cycle a bike
everywhere until I was 21 and that's kind of like quite lame.
So that stung John. What did John get at me for?
They both got at me for being lactose intolerant, which is
kind of rude because that's a disability.
But overall it was nice. It was a nice speech because
they're my friends and they're nice.
I'm only friends with nice people.
Kevin Davey says. How do you feel about nightclubs
in NI closing at half one in comparison the coppers in Dublin
closing at six? I don't think nightclubs here
close at half one, do they? Well, they certainly don't know
anyway. Coppers in Dublin closing at
six. Is that true?
Yeah, If that's true, that's mad.
I mean, I think the thing about all this is none of it makes
sense. So the fact that we are no
fucking politics included in this statement, we are on an
island. Like the fact that there would
be some different rules there, different rules here on this is
mad. You may as well be like, let's
just work together on this Porsche.
Sean McLaughlin, would you spend much time on social media?
Yeah, yeah. Mainly Myspace.
Just messaging my man Tom. That's him.
What? He's up to.
Charlotte. Laurie, what's your favourite
shape of sausage? Straight.
Cumberland Square heart. Wow.
Jesus Christ. Just just.
Yeah. Straight.
Just like, straight. Like, I'm not in any other, I'm
not in any other sausage stuff. I just like my sausages straight
and black and sure. Oh, sure.
Last question above. Living in Copenhagen, Denmark,
and the tea situation is dire in Copenhagen.
Oh no. If we can do something about
that, we will. Honestly, they sell more skates
licorice crap here than bags salty licorice crap.
It is, or I mean it kind of a tea.
Yeah. What sort of tea you want?
Salty licorice. I've managed to find some loose
leaf but have no strainer and also Amazon doesn't exist here.
What? Which is another nightmare.
I could probably go scavenge the tea.
However, what daily household object could I use as a tea
strainer? My first thought is a clean
sock, but that's also gross. Much love Charlotte love right
back at you. A lovely representing the
podcast in Copenhagen in Denmark.
And I'm sorry that you can't get your tea.
And do any other sippers live in Denmark?
Can you advise in terms of using a sock as a strainer?
We're a little bit more upper class on this podcast.
So I would say it's got to be a really nice.
It's like an Egyptian cotton or a bamboo sock.
So let's say if you've got like you've seen Laurel or as you
want she socks, use those. But I don't want to see like
using a pair of multi pack slasengers tights.
Would tights work? But then is there anything in
that, that if you drank it in the water, like the tight, could
something from the tights get into the water and give you
mercury poison? I'm not too sure on mercury
poisons. Obviously when you get it now on
all day, you're just going. So I don't know.
But I want you to keep us up to date with this journey.
Are there any other sippers in Copen?
Does any, do any sippers have contacts in Copenhagen that can
get Charlotte a strainer? OK, because that's all we want
to do, Charlotte. We we'll figure this out
somehow. We'll figure this out.
Maybe our friends at Horny Teas can can help the Danish tea
situation somehow. Jesus Christ.
Wow. OK, this is from Jared Brawley.
He says. Ah, right.
I don't know if this podcast question, I don't have this
podcast question. So I can't I can't read.
I'm going to say, can I read this on the pod?
I mean, he sent a very like very nice, kind, beautiful message
that I will chat to him either way about.
And my first reaction is. Can I talk about this on my
podcast? But I just want to know, I don't
know if it's for the podcast or not.
So I'll check out with you. Daz, are you going to stay for
the full podcast today? I think Dave should just fly
solo now. Hey, Daz, shut up.
You you detergent. Carl Blanigan.
What was the score in your game at the weekend?
I think we got Big 12 one. So there's there's no comedy
there or whatever or there's no at the end of the day analysis.
It was just a bad day at the office and then and I think it
was 12/1. But these things happen.
And as I've said about football, you just have to be like,
listen, let's just enjoy this. You got to take the you got to
take the rough with a smooth and getting B12121 is definitely
rough Zippers. Thanks very much for the
questions. Let me just make sure we don't
have any of them on Twitter and and we'll maybe maybe chat to
Jared about what he said next when we chat about that during
the week. Yeah, we will, because Jared,
you sent me a message under the post where I was asking for
questions, but you're talking about quite a personal thing, so
we'll wait and see. Producer Dan will hopefully be
back next week. I'm flying so low again in terms
of the product. Does it?
This guy does it all. He sings, he dances, he acts.
He's the full package. And so producer Dan will
hopefully be back next week. I'll be back on Friday with the
interview podcast. Who's my guest going to be?
I don't know. I do not know, but we'll figure
it out. Cheers for listening.
Thanks for being zipperspatreon.com says Tea with
me podcast, manscape.com. Tea with me as the code 20% off,
free shipping. Cheers, shippers.
Todd, Father.