I'm Michael. Che and I'm Colin Jose, and
we've got a little secret. Actually, it's a pretty big
secret. Well, now you got to give the
people something. I'm not saying a word.
Oh, then people will know to tune in.
Come on, tell them a little. Like our hosting of comedy
events streaming only on Peacock, exactly how it's called
New York After Dark and it's a comedy show that only features
drop in comic. Boom, you nail.
Into Michael Che's phone. Nervous.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
New York After Dark. It's some kind of comedy thing,
and it's streaming now only on Peacock.
You love it. Zippers, welcome to this episode
of the Tea With Me Podcast with me.
What is it? She and Todd.
Before we get stuck into this
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with a thing. I can't say it.
Thank you. I always get really nervous when
you do that when I go to do the ad and then the screen is on
it's online, we're sponsored. I didn't need the screen anyway
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Let's just get into this. I can't.
I can't hold it back for any longer.
He's like a dog on a leash. And hold on.
Let me just cut that. He does sound effects, though.
Mike. Yeah.
I'm having tea with none other than Mickey Bartlett.
Great to have you. Here, man, that's me.
I'm all tired. That's all the funny I can be.
You're a silly. Guy, I'm a goofy, I'm jet lag
and I've a food poison the other day so I'm just about to be out
of the house and not not farting lumps.
What did you get food poisoning from?
See, now this is what I've discovered.
I had to sort of backtrack like a detective and set for clothes.
Like Memento? Yeah, yeah, well, my mental
never mind yours. By the way, would you be
offended if I took his jacket off?
Depends. What's under nothing.
Even better. Oh, Bapi.
Is that a toy? Black is it?
What? What?
Oh yeah, do it slower. You've been left them, you
didn't even a slide box and treat them though on the fucking
in the background. Train with Freddie Roach.
Oh yes, I know, with Papa did. You say got the last.
Resort. No, I only know one song.
Yeah. Which one?
Yeah, Yeah, I don't. Know that's what I mean.
I can't do another. Oh, OK.
Like it's 15 love if I want to change the tennis puns.
OK, yeah, I'm your Venus. Fuck off.
Sorry, who's that? Not important.
OK, Umm, Oh yeah. Why do you how do you get food
poison? She had to do some.
You had to trace it back. How to trace it back?
So essentially I was coming back from Australia.
God got home with Monday afternoon did a gig Monday night
because I'm a trooper slept had a lovely time Tuesday How do we
chippy tea Tuesday night cute at about half two and Wednesday
what do you what? Do you get?
If you're having a wee chippy tea, what do you get?
Depends on the weather to be honest with you.
It was kind of a blustery night and it was getting because it
was like, oh, it's a bit cold and I'm jet lagged.
I got a Curry chip and chicken goujons, which could also
explain the food poison. So at around 2:00 in the morning
I thought I'll probably have a wee poop.
And I had a normal poop. But the normal poop unleashed
what I can only describe is the gates of hell.
And then I thought, my God I was.
And then I thought to myself, that poop so bad it's made me
feel a bit sick, right? So I flushed the toilet because
I'm a gentleman. As opposed to I.
Didn't want to poke me on poo, didn't want to mix that up.
And that's how you, that's how you make Protestants.
And so I ended up, I don't have you ever had food poisoned?
But it's like you don't go, you go, I'm like your head
everywhere but the toilet. Do you know what I mean?
So I basically was, I was just doing, I was just spinning for
the next sort of 12 hours. And the last, there was a point
where the stuff that was coming in my mouth and the stuff that
was coming in my bum with the same colour.
And I was like, this is, this is strange, this is very odd.
And it was luminous. I looked a bit like a siren.
And then at the last, the final book, I noticed there was rice
in it and I was like fucking Doha airport.
So what happened was I was flying from Sydney, the Doha,
Doha to Dublin, got off the airport, a 2 hour wait and I
thought, I'm not hungry, Qatar. Yeah.
So yet another reason why I'm not going to the World Cup.
So I ordered a chicken Curry wrap from the airport like a
weed cafe in the airport and the girl heated it up.
I was sent to the labs before Level 3 food hygiene working
subway. So when I bet it I went that
chicken and that rice aren't warm enough.
And I know from Level 3 food hygiene working subway checking
the rice the worst two things to fuck about with.
If you're reheating, how do we either scald them or you just
throw them out? Like can I, can I ask you this?
It's something I've always thought about.
I like rice and I was heating rice recently and someone
pointed I didn't make sure that's cooked.
Yep. And I said, but it's not meat.
I'm not going to be wrong with if it's not cooked, what's going
to happen if you don't cook out rice?
I think what happens you'll think you have the normal shit
then the gates of hell you remember what I said 5 minutes
ago fall out of your anus like I I threw up so much I'm pretty
sure I lost memories like long Division I knew.
You just the toilet and she had school I.
Swear to God when I'm first community photo, don't remember
eating up. So yeah.
So I basically took a bite out of it and I was like, that's not
heated up properly. And then I thought, I can't go
over to that per slave woman and be like, excuse me, my rap isn't
ready because she probably lost her brother making a stadium.
So then I I just took two or three more bites out of it out
of like Catholic guilt politeness.
And then I got home and used 3 total rules before half nine
Wednesday morning because that's how my wig's been going.
Thanks for the green tea. It's been all working stomach.
Now when you when you were in Qatar airport for for your
layover, what's that like? Is that is that big business at
airport? It's massive.
There's fuck all in it apart from figs and I did.
I wasn't in Benali right, because I went to the sorry you
off it. Nah, I'm at that.
Well, I'm going I'm going to officially stop because I've
still got I've still got about 200 left the time where the
Dubai. So I'm going to take a piss, but
also in Doha airport to have we smoking rooms that you can
rather than light a cigarette, you can open the door and just
suck and close it again and your smoke 20 say I and the federals
think of pretty much would you like suit it?
So I'm going to go off them, but I don't horrible.
It's fucking massive, right, like it's very flashy, like
there's Ferraris in the middle of it.
No, that's sort of weird. Like.
There's a terminal, Do you ever fly back from London?
It's either Heathrow work at work and they put all the like
international flights in this terminal and for some reason the
Belfast flight and it's got like.
Hards and yes I spent 7 hours in there one time right flying back
from I think it was flying back Bahrain.
Right. And like with an iPhone 7,
couldn't find a charger. Just miserable.
Yeah, and. There's nowhere to eat for less
than £20. No, no, like, yeah.
And do you, are you a good traveller?
Like do you enjoy all the travel?
I don't do that now I do. Have you learned any hacks to
travel? My hack for long haul flights.
Yes, yes, I'm all ears. Has been the same for a couple
of years. You might not like this.
OK, you might have to substitute it. 4 whiskeys, 2 cokes.
I just Bosch, Bosch, Bosch. And then you drink the whiskeys
and the cokes, right? That's the pilot's name is
Bosch. No, Just like been a load of
drink. Right.
But you're not going to feel horrific when you wake up.
No, because you're in the sky and you're still, you're still
not really doing anything doing. It's not like it's not like you
wake up. It's not like you wake up to go.
It's your turn to fly. Oh fuck me, I've been drinking
breath so. 4W's too cool, but is this an urban mint?
It's double in the air. Yet I felt that like it
definitely if you're fucking else, but it's a bit much.
And when you have that, when you, when you neck 4W's two
Cokes, are you blitzed? You kind of I kind of go just
out like I'll say this. So on the way back from are.
You in a row? Sorry of what?
Do you hear what happened, Jim? No.
No, it's never happened before. Every time I've gone to
Australia, every time I've gone to the states where I've gone,
I've always ended up with a window or an aisle, which is
perfect. I'm a big unit.
No, I am I and I've also got short arms, so I like my arms.
My arms don't reach the armrests on a fucking on the plane right
because I built like AT Rex, so I have to like it has to be 1-2
useless. I can't reach them.
One's perfect, showing you that's window.
You can't do that I. Just can't do the fucking
anybody else. I can't do the Pingu.
So on the way from from Sydney to Dohaus was a 15 hour flight.
I was in the middle, so that's 44 seats in the middle, but I
was in the middle of the four seats.
To my left was a Joker, No Joker to the left, it doesn't matter.
There was a Joker to the right, joker to the right.
Well, she wasn't a Joker. She was not, but a Finnish can't
How? Did You Know?
Because she was like, I'm from Finland and I was like, you're
not a can't. I'm saying you've overreacted.
I was fuming, right? I was fucking.
Why? Because you want to be in the
outside. I want to be in the outside
right? Will you ask, will you say,
would you mind if? I no, I've never, I've never
been I'm not, I'm not that rude to be honest.
And even I never said she was a Can't I just sit at my?
Head, I'm not that rude. I'm finished.
You can't. For 15 hours I was like, I hope
this plane crashes and kills us both.
So there was a baby at 10:00, a baby at several 3:15 and they
were having a who can scream the loudest competition for the God
love like feel so sorry for the whole for the whole flight.
Right. So there's a fella here who had
his like a his kid with him and she was booting a seat.
The guy in front of me was one of those jewels people on a
plane that put their seat back and think this can't be as far
back as it goes. So they're starting.
To fall right. Some whiskey and Cokes are
falling everywhere on the we finish fucker.
Well like meet herself comfy and took up like both armrests.
No, no. So you're in the middle.
It's. Yours, I'm like that right for
for 15 hours, right, right. I was getting knots from my
back. My neck wasn't working properly.
And then at one point she got to go for a pee and I was like,
great, I'll use this excuse to go and have we walk about,
fucking stretch my legs. But I'll have a quick piss.
And when I came back, she got herself all tucked in snuggly to
her seat. And I'm like, as someone who's
maintained that I'll see for many a year, the etiquette is if
the person sitting beside you isn't back yet, Yep, leave the
belt off Yep, leave. Leave the tray up.
Watch your movie, yes, but don't get tucked into your blanket in
your pillow. No way.
So when I came back, all of a sudden she was like, and then
she starts telling me about her job.
I'm all fuck off. Yes, fucking Ukrainian bitch,
wherever the fuck you're from. Two more whiskeys, please,
Abdul. I was a man when I got the Doe
house off. Obviously at this fucking the
tech and time bomb of death. And then I got on the flight
from Doha to Dublin and I had a free row and I was too excited
to sleep. I'm not making it up in 35 years
of age. I literally built a Fort.
So I. Had three blankies, 3 pillows,
made a wee fucking animal and then I was like 7 1/2 hours
Lewick. Why are you Mr. Bean?
Why am I not? I am.
I always. I think that's my I I focus so
much on getting the road and myself and thinking where can I
move? When should I move?
All that kind of thing. A big hack is if you're going to
if you see a rule free, especially in like a longer haul
flight, don't go too soon because the air stewardess is
hit and they won't. They'll tell you to go back to
your seat you as soon as you hear board and complete.
Absolutely. That's that's all I'm waiting
for. I won't put the headphones until
I hear it. Yeah, I'll be looking at the
door and all. Yep, because I chanced that last
time I was flying to the states straight serves in row 13.
I went to the back of the plane because I saw some rows and I
waited to go on late. And the guy goes, what's your
ticket number? And I showed him he goes, now
you're gonna have to go back. But I just went like 10 rows
ahead with a free row and I got to keep that.
But it's AI think there's weird things but like do they have to
legally was taken off in London Assure you're in the same seat.
Oh, maybe. Or or that's just them saying
like land us. Yeah, yeah, everyone time
getting an EasyJet flight because I'm, you know, I'm
Baller. That's.
Me, you boys are no and that but they don't even they only
brought this new thing out. So basically I was in the 2nd
row, the front row, it was empty flight and the front row was
like you get a wee bit of fucking leg space.
So the pain's in the air and I was like, fuck, I want to sit
there. So went in the front row and the
stewardess was like, sorry, this is reserved for people who paid
for extra leg room. And I was like, there must have
paid a fortune because the fucking they weren't even in the
plane. Like, surely this is all right.
Just like, no. And she literally made me move
back into the row behind and I'm like, there's nobody.
It's me and you on this. I can send the pilot's knee.
So there's, yeah, there's times like I do get like I'm never
more of a psychopath that when I'm in an airport and somebody
doesn't know what to do, right, You know?
What I mean, Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, being in Australia,
they're domestic flights. You don't have to take anything
out of your bag and it's a joy. You can be in the airport.
I thought they they because you watch all their their border
security. To get to get into Australia,
they're like, they're international stuffs.
You can only bring toys. Asian people.
They're very. Amazing you can't bring a lot of
food. Yeah, yeah, yeah, very amazing.
But also Australia is quite racist.
Somebody was telling me up until like the 1980s they had like
their legal policy was white as right.
And even though it's not legally there anymore, there's still a
way. But kind of fucking because
I've, I've twice I've gone through, I think it was
Melbourne and Perth, the two times I've got to Australia,
pick my bag up and I went, nobody's talked to me like I've
just walked through this airport.
Yeah, yeah. But then also you see like a
bunch of fucking Thai babies up against the wall getting kicked
in the ass. But you know, the ties are like.
Too tight I I don't know I the reason I can't really consider
it is because I got shoes arrived this morning shoes and I
put them on those all delighted to come down and you said no.
A couple of things are annoying me here. 1 is me too, 11 is
these are. Those two of them.
These are what the kids call Yeezys.
No, If there's ever a worse time for these two, absolutely.
It took a long time to ship when I ordered these.
Kanye was, you know, he's, you can describe him as a character.
Yeah, they're now called the No Jew Shoes.
Yeah, now what's worse about? Their anti perspirant,
anti-Semitic. They're anti Sanders shoes
actually. You look like a Star of David, I
think. No, that's all the.
Puns now you you said these look like shoes that would be given
to. The metal patient, Yeah, they
look to be given to somebody who might hurt themselves.
And that's why the laces are redundant.
Better they don't even open or close can.
I say something I'll never wear these again.
Don't. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not sent
to make funny. I personally, I think Yeezys
look fucking stinking. Anyway, yeah, that big heel at
the back. What's it for?
I know no one, no one. A kangaroo could wear them.
Yeah, no. Should I persevere with Warnies
if I like them or just bow to the peer pressure?
It's it's put it this way, I've never before in the time we've
known each other, ever told you ever not to wear something.
You're a beautiful man. I agree you can pull up most
things, but you should pull those off.
I'll throw them in the fucking bin.
I'll never wear those again, I swear.
I'll never wear how you get home.
Shut up, Michael. The softer Eastlander fake.
A big a big, long, weird alien fake.
And sure you do. How was Australia in general?
Phenomenal. How many times you've been
you've been a little 10? Four nights before time, would
you? Ever see when I see you out
there, see a bit of, you know, Instagram stuff, you're very
happy out there. I don't think you don't look
happy here, but obviously like the weather is unreal out there.
You know the shows look brilliant would.
No, we wouldn't. One illusion.
But would would Maggie Bartlett ever consider a move?
She and Todd and tell you right now, I looked on this camera.
I'll tell people at home. My family are watching this.
The only reason I came back to Ireland because I've got that
already. It's the only reason I came.
I was that close. I was in the airport going fuck
it like because the vase I had last until March and I was like,
I'm pretty sure could I could find some sort of Irish culture
work. Yeah, Peyton houses boys, no.
You'd be flat out doing shows out there.
You would maybe, but just it's it's Jordan.
It's like, ah, baby, but that's the kind of thing you can do
material like that on stage and people laugh at it feels like
sometimes. And like Ireland, if you do
something that's if you do something that to an audience
member sounds embarrassing, they go, Oh my God, I can't believe
he's saying that and they don't get your joking.
Whereas in Australia, it's very much fucking go for it.
Oh, OK. You know what I mean?
Right. So like, I've got to work with
some of the best comedians I've ever worked with.
Like, obviously, yeah, yeah. But like some absolute fucking
Wizards and like comedians that are so good.
Like, I'm just have a long time. I'm pretty good at it.
But I found myself in the back of the room going right.
Right, you're on the. Door so that's just my favourite
thing is like. Is it people from home come to
see you out there or there's? A lot of people from home, but
there's a lot of Aussies as well, like right, OK, because
it's been building up sort of I'll say like the, the, the
Sydney Comedy Store that's sold out and that was the 300 seater.
And I think there was 200 hours people out of and they had to
restock the bar 4 times during the show.
Righty or? Not even righty man, just very
nice. Just hammer and booze.
They're probably just because they're so far away.
They're even part of like the States.
They probably just love it. Was hilarious, but there was a
couple of fellows, right? We only got here last Wednesday
show you in libraries and choose like so that last week, Foxy
they're taking no new material, no lab no.
Digging in No culture. Absolutely.
I won't put We did a show in Darwin and it was just like a
compilation thing. And I went to an Aerospark as my
stereotype and I was stop starting the bar, having a drink
and this guy just grabbed me. You're from London.
I went, I went to the enjoy the show.
He went what show? And then he just walked away and
I was like. A look class like I love the go.
I've never been, but do you you kind of know your way around the
cities and stuff now that you go to?
Not really. I mean, I kind of know roughly
where I'm going in Sydney, but then those tours that I do,
you're gagging. I've had two days off entire
month. They're both involved travelling
so. You couldn't go and do much, not
really. Like I'd love to go out and do
like you'll do shows at the weekends and then fucking have
the week to go, right? What's over here and what's over
here? You want would you like to go
into the Bush? Shame you're married.
Well, I've been in like I've been a couple of buses.
Bosch, Kid Bosch. Of school bus on Busta Rhymes.
I'd like. I would.
I would, I would like you to be like the biggest Australian
star, like like Jamone. I I don't really care about
being, I don't really care about being huge much.
I just love the art. I know you love it, don't you?
I don't know, that's great. It's it's so good like because I
was supposed to do that to her in 2020.
So it's been three years essentially before like cover
watch it. So when they went off, when the
book that they went right. You've got the day off here, day
off here, day off here. And I would put shows in those.
Yeah, yeah, like fuck this. We've had time off and then on
the way home I was like, why the fuck?
I'm so fucking tired. But I it's just like it's, it's
just a real different way of life.
And there's a weird vibe that I like as well in that because I
think as far as all the Australian government are quite
conservative and it's a lot of fucking it is pretty strict.
So the comedy scene feels really fucking on the Fringe and a bit
rebellious. OK.
And I'm like, I fucking like this because.
I wouldn't have thought. I thought Australia would be way
more like Liberal and the. People are, but the government
isn't right, You know what I mean?
It's kind of like here you just got fucking politicians do what
they want and everyone just like we just.
Get on with it, right? Right.
Right, so I it's just like I haven't met an arsehole.
Will you stay in Australia? You stand in a nice hotel.
No, not this. I know.
So, Oh my God, shame, right? So I stayed in this place in
Perth called the Rendezvous Hotel.
Would I have just before you tell me about what I've just
flown home? Put it this way, I the
difference between me and you, I just sleep anywhere right in
this hotel, I put the Cherb against the door and still look
out for 10 minutes before I went in the room.
Now do you think anyone could break in would be deterred?
But it's yeah, because I was fully naked and erect.
I was holding a wrap in Doha. Just you fucking wait.
I'll blame you. Like I think at a Jurassic Park.
So 1. More we bitches weren't the we
fucking? Yeah, you can't take them
seriously. Oh, your.
Heart don't move. You can't see if you don't move
a fucking camera. I can hear you, but you stupid
fuck don't respect my story. All the rest of the big fucking
Jurassic Park. They just go.
They just got roasted every day by the rest.
Of the dinosaurs. Yeah, it's.
Got my peek it again Sir. Of course you did what?
What's it like, You know, sometimes you see an animal, you
go, I get why they have that there with evolution.
Like I get what the function of that is, but what what what's
that doing for? This because they're from South
Carolina and sometimes we get very humid and they go I do
declare so that's. That's fine.
That's. Fine.
I thought it so recently, but it was.
Just I could also take them off and be mysteriously.
I thought so recently it was just a dog coming out of a vet.
They're also really happy for Shakespearean players, like to
be or not to be. Jurassic Park was good when the.
First one was good, I pretty good.
It's all the first new one. Thought it was all right the
first. One was all right, second one
was shared, third one's a business really.
That's my official review for anybody who wants to so.
Tell me about this hotel. So it was called the Rendezvous.
The Rendezvous Hotel, right? Does not sound good.
So I got there on the Thursday night using.
My plan for beating jet lag is get to the whole get the hotel,
drop the bags off, quick wash. For whiskey.
As much whiskey and coke and beer and wine as you can drink.
Like drink until about midnight and then pass out and then you
sleep because jet lag is real hard to fuck when it's that much
of A time difference. And because you lose a day of
travelling, you're just like, your body has no idea what's
going on. So I just drink myself into a
stupor and then sleep for 9 hours and go back.
I'm just hungover now, you know what I mean?
So we've got to Perth at 8:00 on Thursday.
It works, I swear to God. Trust me if we did this last.
So you you you're dealing with a hangover instead of jet lag.
Jet lag. Jet lag's way worse.
Jet lag's like fucking you. Just you.
The first time I ever had jet lag was in Melbourne, and I was
walking along the ground, along the street, and it felt like the
ground was moving under me instead of me walking, right?
Like it's fucking weird. So yeah, got to Perth at half
eight or something. Quick shark got changed, went
out, everything was shot. Had no Australian phone, like no
SIM so I couldn't even use maps to find fucking anything that
was working. Went back to the hotel, the bar
closed at 5 past 9:00, so at 1 pint.
Why is it all closing early? Perth just, it's one of those
towns. Well, again, where we were
staying was like in the fucking. I think it was taken in the
business district. Right, right, right.
But that hotel was like a shed hole surrounded by glorious
hotels. So even when I was checking in,
they made me pay for a night, even though it was all paid for.
And then there was a. At that point, we just like,
yeah, whatever. Just let me in.
And the receptionist was like, you could tell she was she'd had
plastic surgery to look hot, but she ended up looking actually
from a sci-fi film, the 80s. And she was like, is your first
time in birth and I. You're not the same in the
plane. You can.
You're the crown, baby. You're the Finnish woman.
I'm very tired. It's me, Bosh.
Oh fuck off. Of course.
So I there was just so anyway, there was a night we end up we
stayed there on the Thursday night, Friday we're like on the
road. We did 4 gigs over that weekend.
Go back there on the Monday back.
To the rendezvous back. There on the hotel and there was
me and another comedian stand there at the same time.
The fire alarm went off on the Monday morning.
Without roughly. About maybe 8:00 but we've been
like the weekend tour was like 6 hour drives between different
shows. So even though we weren't
driving, we're still fucking. Yeah, yeah.
So we're booking downstairs wearing the clothes.
It went like got to the hotel in and we're standing there like
fucking. And everybody had brought their
own stuff, like their own stuff, like they're important things
like the passport and fucking wallet, handbag, stuff like
that. And there was a woman standing
and her important stuff was a creative about 48 Jack and
Cokes. And she could tell she was a
meth addict because she had she's like scabs everywhere.
I'm like, fucking yeah, baby, right.
And she's God, you want a little fucking cane, Mike?
You want a fucking cane? And we were like, not it's 8:00
Monday morning. And then I heard her going, this
is the worst fucking hotel I've ever stayed in.
And I was like, this is the worst case.
You said fuck me. And it turned out the fire was
set off by the toaster in the kitchen, so that the hotel's
that bad the the toaster in the kitchen caught fire and the
staff went. Right, right.
Yeah. Come from and everybody had to
leave, so I was just but then in furnace when I stay in hotels
for more than two nights, every room to take the round every
hotel. Right, right, I get.
You I wouldn't let the staff in the clinic because it was just.
Would you see any like Steve Irwin still big there?
No money's dead. I know, I know, but would you is
does his legacy live on like we see any murals of them or
there's? No, there's no murals.
It's not. It's not Sandy.
The king lives on, Stingrays out.
All rays are targets. Ray Charles, do you remember?
We saw? No, we saw.
I remember We were doing sketches.
Yeah. I mean, 15 years ago.
And you had a character who was called Steve Purvin.
Urban Pest. Was this you?
I don't know. Remind me of us, We.
Were walking around Botanic Gardens and you were, you were.
It was just you go Oh yeah, mate.
And like you were just like it. Was not a sketch or just
something me and you did the keeper.
I think that might have been the day we got locked in Botanic
Gardens. I just just tried to make
ourselves laugh because we're both afraid of the claim
offence. They fucking were my name, shoes
and still sucker fuck. Those shoes, you ever order
something online constantly that you go, this is not what I like.
I there was a website called EMP that I got a couple like band
T-shirts from us, right? What?
Do you mean like Nazis? We talked about Nazis wearing
Yeezys. Oh yeah, true.
But like, oh, like, like, do you like fucking busted?
I Well, that's what happened when they arrived.
But yeah, there's. So I bought a couple of decent
T-shirts from it and then I would start, I was like, I'm
making that my jacket looks nice and it would arrive and you go.
That is absolutely not what I paid for.
I remember buying that I was going to New York and I bought a
pair of like basically like black boots like that, but they
arrived and they were like that height with like a fur in line
and a size 5 or something. And I'm not lazy.
I didn't even send them back. I just fucked them with the bin
like fucking. So yeah, I constantly, I'm kind
of a weird shape as well. I'm a fat we've shit big Daddy's
on. So when I buy stuff I have to
try. I had to try it on.
So buying online, you're the. Only guy still using the
changing rooms because I feel like changing rooms people just
pass don't really do it anymore do they?
I had this dream that I walk into the River Island head
office with a pistol and go. I've got one bullet in here, and
that's for the man who invented muscle fit.
I don't do anything. I don't do any.
I wake up before a pull the trigger.
Yeah, but he's weeping. Muscle fit.
I've met him hold the picture of his family and I go.
You look at them because fucking look at them.
You fucking tell me anybody has muscles there?
Now the thing about muscle that is even even if you have
muscles, it don't look good. It doesn't look good.
I've got I've got a muscle fit
denim jacket that for some reason has pointy shoulders, and
I'm one who's who has right angle your muscles.
Unless it's for fucking actual Johnny Bravo, Yeah, it's a
fucking disgrace. And.
Sorry, I could really wind up her.
Yeah. So a month out there, yeah.
What was the low like? The lowest point?
Yeah, probably. I'm fucking rapping Doha.
Yeah. Umm, not what we do.
I don't do. During the day What do you do
during the day when you're? Travelling so I was the thing
the whole time. We just I don't like the one
thing that it kind of this time around was like, so I was in
Sydney for the last week. I know I had plans.
I was like, fuck it, what city business you said he loved?
He says like do that again. Yeah, so I that week it was
like, so the place was staying. How do we catch net and all did
that week was cook my own meals and go to the gym, right,
Because it was I can eat vegetables again.
Yeah, because you're eating crap like McDonald's.
Isn't you tell yourself every time when I'm this tour.
I sort out to me. And my dad starts on the road.
Dad starts on Monday. But the weird thing is
Australia's on the road like they're fucking fast food is
actually pretty good, right? So it's it doesn't feel like
it's killing you. It's a healthy place and.
It's yeah, it's definitely healthier, like.
No, see with the audiences because I was talking about
doing Australia shows next year. Is it that if you put out you're
doing the shows, are the kind of Irish communities out there
really welcome? Like if you put out on doing
this, people will tell all their mates that live there and all
that kind of thing. You can say people from home
want to come and support that the.
Guy So I sold out my shows with no extra advertising.
Yeah, In fact, the promotions company brought me out, admitted
to me we didn't do anything of this.
And I was like, thanks for being honest, I appreciate that.
Can I have more money now? So yeah, 100%.
And they're like, because I haven't gone out for a couple of
years now. So with the solo shows, the
trend is sort of like they'll get a bunch of errors, people
who've heard about it, they'll bring Australians and people
they know and then the next year you sell more and you go back
out and keep keep like rolling organically.
Yep, with what you were saying before, the way you are at the
minute, you can go out next year and just pack it on Sydney
price. Sydney operas, You know what?
I couldn't shut up. There's rooms in the Sydney
operation like, yeah. There's like a Pizza Hut.
There's a toilet there's I think that the operas has a room that
holds about because I did ATV thing that one year.
Maybe about foods that so you're very like you're very low key
actually with a lot of what you do in terms of like I've never,
I didn't know you did that. That's massive.
No 2019, No. I didn't know you did that, but
like if you wrote, do you not think if you wrote down
everything you've done and said the last two years, couple of
years, even year you've been made?
Four to five years in deal. But you'd be amazed like.
There's definitely times like I sort of like you go, this is
class, but it's just it's weird. It's a weird thing for me, I
think because it's just it's pre COVID it was just so normal to
be just travelling that much. Yeah.
And now it's back to like, oh, I, where am I going?
Class I. Don't even mean the travel, I
mean like like doing a waterfront like.
You must we all have like I mean you've been fucking killed in
America. It's like we met here the day.
This is going to be a cute moment.
Me and she involved it. You pulled up and I was like,
nothing makes me smile more than the fact that me and you're both
driving fucking fancy cars. Yeah, because we talked about.
But we did a fucking sketch show on the path where we had to walk
out with the audience on the stage.
It was that bad. Yeah, and we but when we met
like the the we like the the cars we went to gig together.
We both slept in my Renault Clio.
Yeah, the night that your Corsa got stuck in the hedge and
Draperstone. Started from the bottom.
A creative beer each and a free ticket.
The fucking Glasgowbury foundered.
That's right. What do you want to do with
comedy? Fucking go home.
That's what I. Want to do for advance doesn't
attack no self general fiasco. We're doing an acapella do.
You want to make sure on feel on Tuesday.
Oh yes please. My bad.
If you could go back and listen to that.
So I used to do a radio show and Fail FM W Belfast Community
Radio. We probably heard me talking
about it on here before and the plan was there was no who's
free? Come on on and there was no
features. There was no.
But it was weirdly like, it was like the first podcast, Yeah.
Because. You said I've met the pocket, we
met the pocket. I would say, like most things in
Northern Irish comedy other people invented, I made it
better. You know, there's like, there
was definitely a point that we. Yeah.
Because we were so inexperienced.
And obviously they didn't give a fuck.
Because I remember one time we were like, we were all just
Harlem and a taxi driver pulled up.
Do you remember this? And he was like, was that
usance? And we were like, yeah.
He was like, at most Falcon Brilliant.
Yeah. And he was the listener.
He was the listener because it only went out that far that you
had to be outside the building. Yeah.
I remember doing a feature the only time I had real
interference from the station. They were just like, do whatever
you want. The only time was when I did a
feature on what animal do you think you could throw over a
rugby post? You know, like the the bar that
goes across rugby post. How big of an animal do you
reckon you could throw over that?
And we did that for about two hours and that was the only time
I got an e-mail being like, don't do this feature again,
whoever was in the state in, we were just talking about what you
think got people to text an e-mail in.
So there was a guy being like, I reckon I'd get a big fox over
that post. And I was like, can anyone beat
that? Like it just went off?
No, no. Well, let me ask, you know what,
what Dan, could you or Mike, could you tell us what height
and fate, preferably that that not not in those easies because
it'll be it'll be two of them. But how big is is the rope?
Is a rugby post? As I'm since 6 foot.
No more, more, way more. But ten.
Yeah, 10. Oh, the rugby.
Sorry, sorry, I was in Gaelic. Sorry.
OK, well, look, we can 3 metres, no fate.
I don't know. Metres.
That's 18. No.
Nine. Sorry.
You're right. What?
Do you laugh? At least, I guess.
Yeah. I don't know.
I told you I should have memories.
A little. 10 foot, what I'm saying is 1 and this is
hypothetical, we're not going to act.
So if anyone's like from a campaign group, whatever we're
saying if you, if you had to, I mean, gone to your head.
On your head fucking through a fucking thing over.
Get that? If you don't left that fucking
badger, get that fertile for it. Easy.
Right. Well, let's let's start.
So 10 foot you got to throw it over.
Now can you? Can you like fucking launch it
behind you or it has to be? No, it's freestyle whatever
through. Whatever, whatever you require.
Many goes you get 1 go and done. One go, one go.
So I'm going to start by saying I go, I go, I say a ferret.
Very easy, yeah, definitely for yeah, for 100 you can fling them
up. You said you.
Yeah. You can just fling A ferret.
What? Was the last time you flown the
ferret? What?
That's a good point. Is the animal, are we allowed to
sort of city at the animal? I'm sorry to say but the animal
is deceased. That's what makes this OK.
It was already dead. Yeah, Badger 100%.
Here Badgers are, I reckon, deceptively heavy.
Right. But if the tail if the tail
doesn't come off, you can give it a good.
I saw, I saw Dave Badger by the side of the road recently.
I swear to God, I thought it was Dave Elliott Plankin.
I was like this thing. You said Plankin.
You know, the way Dave likes to wank face down by the side of
the end. Nothing gets Dave off like 79
Laura lorries. Oh, there he goes again.
Do you ever take that roundabout?
The fucking nightmare. Like they're trying to get in
the mood. Most people type in Pornhub Is
Eddie stole part the Apple green service station?
Who's next? I think Badgers are bigger than
you think I. But I'm, I'm just thinking I'm
if they're, if it's already dead, it's limp.
Yeah, I'm thinking it'll be kind of a it'll be a top heavy can
animal. So you can get the momentum
going. Do what I mean.
You might have to give it a bit of a sort.
Of OK, OK. But yeah, I got a fling.
But see, I thought we could go bigger and even at this point of
Badger, I'm saying. As a but would you Labrador
would that be similar without 10 foot?
Like 10 foot that's bigger than you think like.
But if it's dead and limp, though, do you know what I mean?
This is I'm always going to go back to that.
If you, it's going to. Be, but that doesn't change your
weight. I have rigour mortis sets in,
different story all together, right?
That's like that's going to throw on a sofa or or an IKEA
unit. Yeah, but if it's still, if it's
fresh, still warm. But that but that does.
Again, that doesn't change the weight.
But it changed the momentum, it changes the, IT changes the the
the the velocity and the the the.
Velociraptor. Bless you the the entire physics
no of the beast. These things here fucking I did
just pick them up by the fan. Yeah, no, just blow a fan under
the thing. There's two wee hand fans.
Fucking things used to give your kid the dragon.
You just pull out things, he'll just spin the cup.
What about what about a tortoise?
Like would that you got shells? Heaviness.
That's just that. Oh yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. What else could you get?
No. What about CBS creatures?
Yeah, yeah. This is any anything.
We're open to anything here. I reckon.
You fuck a chin over a post. Any other week, but back to the
competition, I think. We're so into this feature.
Fucking 35. He has kids.
Why is Daddy? Down at Ulster Rugby's grand
with the patents. Why is the aquarium closing?
Porter Ferry Penguin. No more right but thinking.
I'd say I reckon a Penguin will be hard to do.
No, I'd say I think they're quite compact.
But that's the problem, we say. So if you go back to my badger
theory Shim. Badger.
You grab a badger with the legs and give it a good fucking
oomph, right? Everything's going to flop to
the top, so you're going to get momentum.
A Penguin doesn't have a top or bottom.
Is this not a great metaphor for the cost of living crisis?
I think it exactly is, Yeah. Matt Hancock should not be an
I'm A Celebrity. I think and let's let's go on to
that later. I think with a Penguin, because
it's quite compact, your things are going to flop to either
side. I think because it's like quite
stoked if you go under the in between the legs, under the
arse, right? Let me just say the Penguins,
maybe Genitals, and then you get enough like a like a shot put.
You shot put it. Over.
No, but I think you're going to find through one of Penguins
more like through one of bowling.
Like a bowling pen? Do you mean like you'd rather
put a bowling ball in a bag and give it?
A. Yeah, yeah, than just a straight
bowling pin. Right, right.
So with a Penguin, it's going to be hard to get that bag.
Gravity effect. Yeah.
On like BG on like with like with the badger.
Yeah, yeah. Furred again.
Be the same. Same idea.
If you fling A ferret, hold it by the back, the bottom legs,
back legs, like fucking like, give it a wobble.
All the blood is going to go up here.
All of a sudden you've got a big heavy end you're fucking got.
I'll be honest with you, I actually have done this a few
times. That's how the Lurgan men know
your man. Let's go for the call off.
That's because some people will be literally crying at this.
You know, the, the, the thing, we're being cruel.
We're not, as I say, these animals are.
Deceased. And this is only hypothetical.
We're not going to do this unless there's enough support
for it on patreon.com session. So let me go for your cut off.
What's the animal you would just get to and go?
This is this is one too many. I can't do this.
What's bigger than a badger? That's the question.
I'm going to say like do. You want to say I would say a
swan would be hard to do. Not a mission you could.
I don't think I think because even realise when you think
about it scientifically, yes, then I get what you're saying.
The neck theory might work, but that's a feathered beast.
So once you let go of that, the winds going to catch?
Yes, Well, depend on what, Where the wind's going.
If the wind's in your favour, throw away, Sir, if the wind's
against me. Yeah.
Forget about us, yeah? I'd say yes.
What a swan would be difficult. Umm oh you've no mission when?
You're never get in the shape you've.
No mission. You're right.
That's that's the thing. We had a shorn sheep.
You could do it. Oh, pardon, A shorn sheep.
Yeah, you think you have more chance for the shore and sheep?
Yeah, than you do with it with a, with a full bloomed sheep.
But but if we're talking about doing this at a rugby pitch, if
if the sheep is on shore. Not like that, of course you.
Pick it up by the world, you know, like a line out through
you pick it up by the world, but.
You're forgetting what I'm saying.
The entire the entire. The true method to do this is to
get the blood, get the blood to the top.
The only way to do this is grab the hind legs.
Trust me more to check shirt. I know animals.
If you're just if you're just wooling that over, no, fair
enough not to think about it. It's a bit like Balaam.
Yeah. Which I believe is something.
He's battling on. It.
No, it's how you get your uncle out of gaol.
Yeah, I think would. I think sheep thinks.
Yeah. It's probably the could be
tough. Pig.
Even a young pig. Couldn't do a pig.
Not under grip, too slippy. That's true, ears.
Yeah, I think years will fall off.
I think imagine throwing a peg would be like throwing a water
balloon. I've never touched a peg, but I
imagine they're they're squeaky. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, for sure. Just sausage skin isn't.
So yeah. Peg.
I think I agree. We'll start with peg.
Yeah. OK.
Plus if the peg lands on the tail is going to fucking bounce
back in it. It's been a pleasure playing
this. Thank you so much.
And people want to get involved in the comments.
If you work in an avatar and you know a rugby pitch, let us know.
Let us know. Umm, yeah.
But that that's been a lot of fun.
Matt Hancock. I'm A Celebrity.
I didn't know he he's a sitting MP as in like, because I thought
he was in it and all and then he he he's out of it.
I didn't know because he's been going on podcast.
He's been doing all this stuff, but that's like that's the
point. We're at this point where like
your MP who you'd be like, I'm really struggling with this
thing. Can I I need And they're like
he's fucking, he's wanting back. I I'm getting half £1,000,000
for it. Yeah, that's that's a fucking
disgrace. If he if he left, there's.
Nothing funny about it. I get it.
Yeah, there's fucking nothing funny.
But the cunt locked people in the house for two years, didn't
stay in the house and then fucked off and things are
getting rough and he's getting paid half £1,000,000 for it.
I hope his birth Tucker trial is to eat a fucking grenade.
Right now that would be wild. But great would read TV you tune
in for like. I'm deck still giggling.
Norman. He's going to eat a grenade,
Deck. He's fucking not as all over the
place one evening, Prime Minister.
No, I can't do deck. I know whatever I I say, I think
it's very weird that he's doing it.
And I think he's trying to do that Boris Johnson thing with
his image of like, I'm just a bit of a buffoon and OK, I've
done some bad stuff, but I'm a wee bit lovable.
I'm bit of an idiot. It's it completely shows to me
that the Tory politicians and a lot of the politicians we have
in power now don't give a fuck of what people think yeah yeah,
because if he'd any respect for people who vote for him or
himself, he wouldn't do that. He would fuck off and retire or
how you do what other politicians do work for a big
oil company or some should have a better respect, have a better
fucking respect and you know, like just take money off the per
the way the rest is to don't try to get in the like you as well.
Yeah, and it it it's it's I think it just shows how out of
touch they are that he thinks I could do all those things that
I've done over COVID. Fucking pretended to cry when
the vaccine came out all that fucking bullshit.
But I'm going to stick my tongue up a fucking pythons hole and
you're all going to go. Do you know what he's actually
signed? Yeah, yeah.
Now he. Fuck him, Absolutely fuck him.
Oh, 100%. I haven't slept a couple of
days. But why are they not like?
Well, I'm not correct like. It also discussed with the ITV
and put them on it because obviously they're doing it for
viewing figures. People are going to watch
people. People are definitely going to
phone in. Now.
The one positive thing is if he stays in it, he's going to have
to do every single discussion. Bush took her trial the whole
way through and I hope that what happens is he's kept in it and
not voted out and punished. And it's like mediaeval stock.
Yeah, punished. I said it wrong.
What? Sorry, what?
We'll talk about here, Shane, talk about accents.
We're talking about fucking Hancock.
I think he should be punished and he should be meant to eat
nothing. Tomatoes.
Yeah, you think you step up the level of.
Absolutely. I think we'll go full mediaeval,
but just put him in stock aids and just fucking kick him.
You know what? This one's Bush took a trail.
It's called Boom Man Hancock with the animals that we were
going to throw over a rugby thing.
Oh no, it's a badger. I don't like I've watched it but
are the other celebrities in there?
So are they dead on to him or is anyone being?
My clips have seen do you know the I feel so sorry for him is
Sean Walsh was on his own when Matt Hancock came in.
And you're like, if you've seen Sean Walsh a special about being
the most hated comedian in fucking Britain because he 2 * a
girl on Strictly and now he has to be face to face with Matt
Hancock and you can watch him go fuck wise at me.
Because he's in there. He's in there, his image, Yeah.
And now it's like. Who's your best mate there's?
Your best mate, the fucking most hated company country and you'd
be like, hello, you know what I mean?
Like I was running mom and dad this morning.
I'm just flicking through the fucking news because they have
ATV and I don't but and there was some he's a guy from here
on. I think it's some like right
wing news station and he was talking about how Matt Hancock's
sound. But Boy George shouldn't be like
Boy George chained Amanda Radiator and you're going.
After we all. Exactly.
Yeah, but like, you know, Matt Hancock changed, chained a
nation to their house. So one guy versus 66 million
people, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So yeah, I just. It's.
I don't know. I've been trying to write
material about it and I found him too angry to do.
It it is nearly two on the note, it's like.
It's like we live in a fucking. It's like we live in some sort
of weird film. Yeah, because that shouldn't
happen. Like like Saddam Hussein going
on fucking the master. Yeah, like all the rest of soul.
Sorry, I'll do what I mean, like, yeah, imagine the worst.
It's like Jimmy Savile still being alive and being on The
Voice fucking spin insurance right now, then like he's a cunt
and he shouldn't be allowed to be on it.
Yeah. I tell you what, he could win
it. There's people.
Is there extra money when I don't know like do they get paid
if if they walk off it they walk?
Off. I don't think they get paid.
Well, then that's punish him, make him, make him do every
single Bush Tucker trial right up until the end.
And then we have a vote on what the Bush Tucker trial is.
And the trial is Mr Hancock. Either walk off or we're going
to fucking kill you. Yeah, I get walk.
Off I got a bit aggressive. Like, but you're right in the so
I I take no interest in politics.
No right. I put my what do you what do you
Flamingo head in the sand? I that's me because it is
horrific. I go ostrich, my head's up the
whole. Right.
But I didn't know what was happening here and I looked at
it recently. It's a bit like, say you never
looked at your bank account and then one time you haven't
checked the fridge and you bring it up and like fuck.
The body. Easy.
That's. No, but I'm the same because
there's been, I don't, I'm not entirely sure, but like when I
left to go to Australia, Liz trusted Prime Minister came back
and now it's Rishi Sunak and my Hancocks and I'm A Celebrity and
I'm like, how tired was I? But I didn't know here what.
Was I yeah, I'm, I hate them and I'm the same because there's
been, I think it might be for our generation or maybe it's
just because of fucking doing stand up where people are.
People are so disinterested because they're being
continually fucked over. And it's had a point where I
think a lot of people, especially here, have nobody
really to vote for. Do you know what I mean?
It's always been the Shiners DUP.
Who really gives a fuck? What are they doing?
They can't even sit in the same fucking room together and on the
Big Island, if you want to use a fucking BBC Northern Ireland
phrase you've got the Conservatives and Labour who are
the same party. Like if you listen to a radio
interview Kier Starmer, he doesn't sound like anybody.
He's the most boring cunt in the world.
And you want a geezer? You want Jeremy Corbyn?
Jeremy Corbyn was a fucking phenomenal politician.
So you would say Clarkson for a second.
Here's what happened with Jeremy Corbyn.
The accused would be an anti-Semitic and it fucked him
and nobody found out what he said.
All the all the needle was the accusation.
Yeah. Like Google, what did Jeremy
Corbyn do that was anti-Semitic? And it's like, oh, Rachel Riley
said he was anti-Semitic. What did he fucking say?
Nothing, because he was the first politician that threatened
the establishment in my opinion. Sorry, I haven't slept and I had
fucking food poison. But and so now they've got Keir
Starmer, Sir Keir Starmer who was the head of public
prosecutions when fucking Jimmy Savile when those cases were
being brought forward. Nothing fucking happened.
If he sounds so fucking boring and to have a Sir as the head of
the working class party in the UK means we're fucked.
It should be Danny Dyer. It should be Danny there.
It absolutely should be. A bunch of fucking cockney
former gangsters do. What do you call that?
An old cunt that just keeps calling them all wankers.
What do you call that guy? Fucking Dennis Rodman?
No, Dennis Rob. Maybe another because he's made
some North Korea. Dennis who?
There's a guy down or something who's.
The guy from the trade union mix someone.
Yeah, he seems pretty fucking. Now, like with all these people,
you go, I think he's brilliant and then some story comes out.
But there's so much of it's all spin.
Do you know what I mean? That's like Jeremy Corbyn, like
again, the spin was he's anti somatic and that was all, all
talking to you. What happened right?
Skinner. Dennis Skinner.
He's Skinner. He's look at his videos, man,
he. Dennis Skinner.
He's a fucking he's about 193 is even.
He's even still alive. I don't even know.
And he's just a bad. We can't.
He's just an angry fucking like, shut the fuck up.
Yeah, yeah, he's great. He's like Mari Black used to be
for the SNP in Scotland. Right.
There's no, you just see her being like, oh shut the fuck
like. There's no characters left.
Mate, there's no there's, there's nobody's getting forward
as far as I can and I'm not, again, I'm not paying enough
attention because elections there's.
Nobody for you elections are pick a dickhead.
Absolutely. Pick one.
I I haven't voted. I mean, there hasn't been an
election, but like, I haven't. But I'm the same and that gets
so much shit or you can't complain.
What can I just? I don't feel passionately enough
so. There's just no, there's just
nobody. I feel that's speaking for us.
Yeah, like. And that's why, ladies,
gentlemen, exclusively Mickey Bartlow wants to announce that
he will be standing for What's Your Area, Craig Alvin Logan
Medalster. Is it middle Sir?
I don't because I changed that to.
Middle lesson. Vote me the King of Northern
Ireland. Yes, and here's what we'll do
every year. We'll take the top three
politicians, right? We'll see how far they can fuck
a badge over Rugby post Yes. Whoever wins gets to keep a job,
right? Whoever loses.
Yeah, right. Going to give you the new Die
Hard movie. It's a trick.
The loser actually wins, right? I don't know.
I feel like there's there needs
to be some sort of fucking change because not that's
fucked. Like we're losing the NHS, it's
gone, it's gone. That's fucked the like I'm doing
by the way. It's a good time probably but
I'm doing a sleep out thing for a homeless youth charity in
Belfast which is a disgrace that even has to fucking happen
considering the richest concert in the world are in charge of
everything. Take it as much as the fucking
want and we're all fighting off. I meant it.
Would it be if you were doing that sleep out?
No. You heard.
Anybody want to check Daniels and Coke?
And she was back. I'd be like fucking family.
Bosh. Me thought you were finished.
I've only fucking started. Yes.
Go ahead. Cheers.
Mickey Bartlett plays a waterfront hall.
Excuse me, the waterfront. Tool and I will be finished.
When is this shoe? 2nd of December, yeah, sold out.
As far as it's not officially sold out, but it fucking is.
If you look at it, that's sold out.
Like there's about 11 tickets. Could be the odd.
Single say if you know people that are going, you could just.
Bring a friend, just wave at them from across the thing.
Yeah. So 2nd December doing that and
then I'm going to be on tour, hopefully February, March to
tour. Tour.
How do you say tour? Yeah.
February, March. Yeah, hopefully.
All right, all right, Mama, That's correct, Doctor Nums.
You want to, Yep, hear the same stories with different.
Different. Yeah.
All right, brother, It's good to have you back.
Thanks for having me. Straight in the class.
I'm glad you had a good time, it was fun, but I'm even happier
that you're back. I'm happy to be here.
It's been a joy. Yeah.
Thank you. Now must there.
Yeah. Thank you.
Cheers, everybody, for watching, for listening, keeping out for a
big announcement coming next week.
Can't say what it is. I know that's what I was telling
you. Cheers.
Thanks. Thanks so much, guys.
Let's go and buy some animals.