I'm Michael. Che and I'm Colin Jose, and
we've got a little secret. Actually, it's a pretty big
secret. Well, now you got to give the
people something. I'm not saying a word.
Oh, then people will know to tune in.
Come on, tell them a little. Like our hosting of comedy
events streaming only on Peacock, exactly how it's called
New York After Dark and it's a comedy show that only features
drop in comic. Boom, you nail.
Into Michael Che's phone. Nervous.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
New York After Dark. It's some kind of comedy thing,
and it's streaming now only on Peacock.
You love it. Zippers, welcome to this episode
of the Tea With Me podcast with me, you French pen pal.
She and Todd guest episode this week.
I haven't recorded yet, but I'm feeling it's going to be a good
time. We have a big favourite of the
podcast on this week's episode, but before we get anywhere, let
me plug the Patreon, which is patreon.com/tea with Me podcast.
We do a bonus episode on a Monday.
We do a live stream episode every Friday with a couple of
comedians at 2:00 PM. We did it.
We did that public a few weeks ago.
Everyone's like, this is unreal. You should do this all the time.
We do. It's on patreonpatreon.com/TV
podcast. We have other stuff on there
like stand up specials, vlogs, other things and you can go back
and listen to what a year's worth of stuff, more two years
worth of stuff. unrealpatreon.com/TV podcast.
I have just announced my tour tickets are on sale for my tour
and you can come and see me. I'm doing, I'm doing 2 tours.
I'm in a tour of locally, I'm Northern Ireland and then I'm
doing a tour of America. My Northern Ireland tour I am do
I'll run through this really quick.
I'm doing 3rd of June. Ballymena 9th of June, Korean,
10th of June, Armagh 11th, Ballycastle 18th, Dunpatrick
22nd. Derry in the Millennium Forum.
Definitely come to that. If you know anyone around Derry
or whatever, tell them to come to that because that venue is
real, way bigger than I thought it was.
It turns out that venue's way bigger than I had initially
imagined, even though I've played there before opening for
Patrick Hilti and I had a real Bob on that night.
But it's going to be a good time this time on the 23rd of June,
I'm doing the bank in Newry. 29th, 30th, 1st and 2nd of June
and July the Opera House all sold out.
But the second and 3rd of September I am also doing the
Opera House and tickets are available for that.
And I'm going to, I'm just going to tell you where I'm doing
America, but I'm not even run through the dates because this
has already taken too long. I'm doing a show in United
States of America. What?
the United States of America. Yeah, I'm doing a show in the
USA, which stands for the United States of America in North
America. And my, my shows are starting on
the 16th of March. I'm doing San Francisco, Los
Angeles, which a lot of people refer to as LA, Chicago, which I
found out recently is not Chicago, Boston, Washington, DC,
not any other Washington, New York, and Woodlawn, which is
also in New York. So come check those shows out.
Tickets are on my social media platforms and in the description
of this episode. Now I have a little something
for your little exclusive. I can't say too much about what
this is, but there's something podcast related happening, but I
can't give away what it is. All I'm saying is keep the 10th
of March free, but I can't tell you why, but it's like I can't
tell you. I bet you imagine this podcast,
but you're there in person and I can't tell you what it is we're
doing. Imagine because this podcast,
you know, at the minute we're in the limelight, you know, people
are talking about us all that sort of thing.
Line 10th of March can't tell you too much about it.
Live podcast in the limelight can't tell you too much about
it. Bigger room Limelight 1 can't
tell you too much about it. Tickets may be coming on still
soon and the patrons are going to be heads up about that before
anyone. Pedro on the cub set to me
podcast we're sponsored. If you're still with us at this
point, fucking fair play. We're sponsored by Punjana
Punjana, made by those those folks over there at Thompson's
Tea. And we got to visit their
facility recently, me and Don Michael wasn't there because
he's because he's banned, because anytime Mike's around
the tea factory, the guy pops a boner, right?
And that's immature to say, but that is just a condition that he
has, right? So the Thompsons didn't they
know they're too busy making tea.
They don't want him walking, but with the root like knocking all
the leaves off the table. Anyway, the Thompsons finally
been making tea in Belfast since the 1800s.
Crazy. The late 1800s.
I didn't even know humans were around in the late 1800s, but it
turns out they were. And Punjana is Northern
Ireland's number one selling tea.
For good reason. Because Don and I tasted a lot
of teas in a really weird way. And not through our modes, but
it that way. Don animated several breakfast
teas before we got the Thompson, which is weird.
Just in his car, Donna. Don snorted a load of a little
chamomile that stuck our whole crap.
Ponjana, Northern Ireland's number one selling P for good
reason. It is elite, it is the best
taste and tea. Keep drinking it.
That's all our messages. Cheers to the Thompsons for
sponsoring this podcast. We're also sponsored by
Manscape, who pretty much been with us since the start.
Manscape is the number one in men's below the belt grooming
right below the belt. You know what I'm saying?
Little bit below the belt, above the thighs, in front of, you
know, around the genital area. Manscaped.
Have you covered? They do the lawnmower 4 point O
which I have up behind me wireless charging technology.
It's an electric razor for your cock and balls.
That's their that's our catchy slogan.
Basically, you take care of yourself with all manscape
products. If you're if you're a modern
man, you know they've got ball cleanser, ball deodorant, ball
wipes. They do a Cologne.
They essentially are your number, your what's that thing?
You're something something shop people go.
There are one stop shop. There are one stop shop for
everything meal, groom and related.
We have a discount called tea with me for 20% off and free
shipping, which is probably is our guest, our guest here.
But I said don't let a mental finish in the odds because he's
got to put me off. So I'll wrap this up.
It links in the description Tea with me for 20% off and free
shipping. Manscape stuff is brilliant for
if you're going somewhere travelling or a gift for a
person. He's coming up.
Oh my God, he's coming up. I'm just going to say what else?
Is there anything else at the road?
Because no merch is being reduced in price.
We'll put the link as well in the description.
All right, because this door is going to open at any point.
My guest today is imminently about to walk into this room.
His name is Patrick McDonald. He's a lovely young man from
Belfast and we're going to have some fun on the podcast if he's
been ages since you've done this podcast.
It has met. You fucking didn't get me back.
It's like trying to keep trying to book you.
It's like trying to book Tupac. Am I the hardest?
You're the hardest. You're the hardest 1 to get.
You probably could get 2 pack before that.
You probably could get 2 pack. You're not the real one like the
one from the New Lodge, right? Do you know what I mean?
Do you ever hear that story? It was a there's a wee guy get
into my taxi will tape and he was like, hey mate, do you
listen to rap music? And I was like, no, they
normally get in the taxi in the world.
What time are you on to? Or you know, mate, how'd you get
in this taxi lock? I want to get off a brew like no
shit, they got but he get in mate.
You listen to rap music? No mate, right.
Do you listen to rap music? Oh mate, who do you listen to?
Tupac? Tupac.
Yes, I've heard of him. Why does he listen to music?
He's deaf. No, it says he's not deaf.
This is fucking, this is new Lord's talk.
There's someone to talk and like the smoke that much, like
there's a bar and there's thought or something noise like
they're trying to talk easy to fucking egg box or something,
you know what I mean? So he's sorry, fucking taking
this fucking clampet. And he goes, I listen to Tupac
because like, see, me and Tupac were like Bros.
Like I technically I fucking read a story and like when I
read a story, it's just as me. Yeah.
And I went what? Where.
And he was like, we're so connected.
Like he was from wherever he was from.
And I'm from New Lodge, same fucking place.
Like, well, like. Compton or wherever, Tupac.
Wherever he was, I don't know where he's from, he was telling
me the state and I was like, the New Lodge is exactly like that.
This is only one of them is in America and ones are here in
Belfast. He's like I know, but like the
circumstances and everything was the same.
Like he had all the restriction because of who he was.
He made because he was black and he's like and I was like you're
black. She don't get wise and he was
like so it was like either, but he was convinced he was 2 pack
and then he started doing the raps.
Have you ever heard anybody from the North that fucking is?
I don't know what the rap scene in the New Lodge is like, but I
can't imagine it's it's not good.
Well, they're not making movies about it, you know what I mean.
This guy was convinced he was the fucking new Lords 2 pack
like me and him like we should have met and all like like Bros
are so close and just I have so much connection to him and I was
like you're like so far away from fucking being anything like
2 pack. You know what I mean?
The closest thing he has the 2 packs.
Maybe the stuff that you put in your fucking car is upon
two-part fucking stuff, the fucking fix it or something.
The new Lodge 2 part. The new Lodge 2.
There'll be a few biggies, about 100%.
Of plant their biggies. And that's just the waves.
Yeah, he's won the talk. Look at the size of that
McDonald fella. He's talking about people being
fat. Well, I'm trying, right?
You're on the green, you're on the peppermint tea green.
I've always, no guess ever done that on in the history of the
podcast. Show them.
Peppermint tea. Peppermint tea.
It's a first. All all the rad Drink peppermint
tea. Why?
Because it's green. Just sounds like a RA thing on
them. You just know giants like give
me a peppermint thing. Fought that and Barry stuff.
I would, I would have seen him. Tea was very strong.
Tea was. You're in a big Sports Direct.
Well, I don't know if he'd be. No.
No, And what the like? What would the loyalist
paramilitary drink or grey call me?
They would be real and like we Chain of Cups and all, like the
Queen do you know what I mean? Even though they're fucking hard
loyalist bastards. It's like the proper tea with
scones and all that there, right?
You can see Johnny there and all Evans having tea parties like
couldn't you? With fucking Prince Charles and
Diana cops and fucking trays? No.
They refused to accept Camilla. Oh.
Yeah, I remember seeing the documentary about it was about
Johnny there and it was on BBC and they went, this is where
Johnny. Now I might have made this
documentary up my head, but they were like, this is where Johnny
and his friends like to hang out.
And it was a youth club and they basically must have gone in
about a week before it went get the fuck out.
All you, all the kids and Johnny and his boys used to sit in a
youth club and meet there. And I don't know if his
documentary, I don't know if it happened, but in my head it did.
And it was just, it just followed them about and he was
denying like obviously being involved in that sort of thing.
I don't think he was involved. Like I just think he was the
fellow that just wore a white T-shirt, walking dogs up and
down the shack and everybody just always.
Love the Muscle Fed T-shirt. Didn't he the originator?
Like if you look back on it like the 90s was very, very.
White paramilitary gear was for the loyalists, was white
T-shirt, stone washed jeans. Yep, or Levi's and desert Butch.
I'll tell you what brand. I'll tell you what brand.
The T jumper replay. Replay.
I never, I never had the money for a replay.
Or fire trap. I I'll tell you what happened to
me. I shaved the head.
But it was because David Beckham shaved his head, right?
Yeah. I mean, I had two earrings in
both ears, right? And I shaved my head and I went
to a local bar in West Belfast and the guy went, where the fuck
are you from? And I went grandcha and he went
grandcha in Bangor and I went no on the Glen Rd and he went do
the Hail Mary for me. Not who's your dad the watch
school do a Hail Mary for. Me because you had the Loyalist.
And I was made. I was made.
It's fucking half 12 on a Sunday night.
I'm looking to go in and drink a bottle of Warm Fog in Old
English in your fucking establishment that's not
registered. And the fucking floor, your feet
stuck to it. What the fuck?
And he's like, I ain't your fucking Protestant.
And I was like, really? And I went home and told my dad.
My dad just looked at me and went, well, I've been telling
you for weeks. Fucking changed my fucking look
after that. What did you go to?
Fucking probably something fucking worse.
Probably a fucking brush down fucking culty look or something.
Oh, dear. I I've got a load I want to talk
to you about One. One thing is you.
You last time. Have you seen me with a broken
leg? You know, I've been running
about in the cast. I haven't seen it.
I've seen you happen on a video somebody showed me.
Yeah. So that was it.
Leg 2 1/2 weeks ago when we recorded this broken leg, Fibula
smashed, Dr didn't. Say see, you need to stop
fucking making up these stories about Johnny and Darren youth
clubs and they'll not get their leg broke.
No, that's not what I got any cup for.
Get any cup for selling everyone.
Fuck, they're really strict down here, aren't they?
I yeah, so I broke my fibula. Go in, they're like cast on for
six weeks probably and then you'll start to you after
another six weeks, you should be back to normal and walking.
Went in the doctor yesterday, 2 and half weeks in the fracture
clinic. I don't know if he was a doctor
because he took the cast off and I was waiting for a new cast or
a boot. And the guy went to start
walking in, although he turned, he turned the X-ray machine on
to show me, you know, the to see your X-ray, show my screen.
And he's like, yeah, this ankle, he's like, you have problems
here, I'm here about the leg. And he diagnosed me with
different ankle problem. And he looked at my leg and
went, yeah, just basically start.
Walking Was he smoking a fig in a corner?
He was drinking tea like a mechanic.
He. Was wearing a replay jumper.
You know that sounds like no here mate, the footballer on
your carburetor, but fuck me, I've just seen your exhaust is
hanging off the fucker like and you're like no, come in about
the carburetor. No, no, just start driving, just
just driving, just driving. It just shows you.
But no matter what job you're in, like you're under that
you're you're going to expect to see somebody like my goat for
years. As you know, I've fucking
suffered. From I I only know that goat is
a modern day thing because you like I honestly thought God just
like a mediaeval thing like trench foot and black black
plague and. It got to the stage where like I
was going was I Hitler in my last if you're why am I getting
this? Why am I being punished?
Because I it was like it's crystals form.
You don't pay shit out the crystals.
That's the technical term. I was the doctor that's.
The technical. Term.
That's the technical term. I was the doctor, The doctor I
went to see in West Belfast. That's the way he described it
to me, right? He's been working with.
Crystals. This doctor has been in West
Belfast for 40 years. So I think he's sort of he's got
past the stage of telling people the real medical firms of the
journal, yes. So he was like you're not
patient out the crystals, there's acid crystals, you're
not pacing them out goes into your joints.
Your body throws fucking a load of shade in it all inflammation.
That's where the pain comes from.
You're drinking and eating shade.
Patty, you need to stop that. That was that was what he said
to me. Never really got the treatment
sorted and then went to the specialist there before
Christmas and he literally like you walked in and he went that
easy. Need to be taken this tablet,
this tablet, this tablet, do this, do that for six months,
then come off them tablets, then get a blood test.
But you need to take those tablets, three of them a day
coffee for the rest of your life.
That's it. And I haven't had a flur from
it. All right, OK.
And I was like, I had to pay £250 to go and get told that pay
us £250. I had to pay them a grand to
stop the pain. Because you were, like,
struggling walking and then you were working full time and
gigging at night. Yeah.
And like, that's a lot of like getting the boat and obviously
on stage you're fucking standing up for an on.
Your wall, I didn't even mean this, but I mean electrically.
You couldn't put see good. You can't put the foot or the
wherever it's sore. You can't put it there and it's
or don't play with it in my knee.
They should update the word for goat because goat it sounds
really old, like an old disease. Yeah, no.
Come up with like a new term for it, like S7 or ZX3.
You know, something modern. I know what you mean.
Goat. Goat Goat, said.
Big fucking insane writing. But you don't think that's mad
that 2 1/2 weeks ago I broke my leg and now I said the doctor is
this? The most part, of course you'd
be. I said that too.
Superman, I said, is this the most impressive thing you've
ever seen since you've been a doctor and he's an older sort of
guy. And he said no, But I said, can
I tell people is he went well, yeah, I can't tell you because
of the medical code. He's not listening, right.
Unreal. I just, I'm just walking.
But I think it's all different kinds of bricks, like, you know
what I mean? No, it's not just.
You break your leg, you don't break your leg.
He he said it might have been a stress fracture.
And then he went, no, it actually is a real break. 2 1/2
weeks later I'm walking. I got my finger bit off like a
swing and a hammer within two days.
Do you know what I mean? Hanging off Rugely.
Genuinely. And that what's mental is not a
joke. No.
You got your finger bit off and I don't.
On a Sunday night and I was back.
That's the worst time to get your finger bit off.
Is it the Sunday night actually? Because it was fucking given the
door up, do you know what I mean?
We'd come back from the honeymoon.
We were on our honeymoon, the fella had his son had been
killed during the door and he was fucking talking.
They also hold him honeymoon like we were on a small island
in the Maldives so we couldn't get away from him.
Nice, Fallon all I went. You went to your.
Honeymoon with you, your wife and a guy.
Yes, from London. Just one.
He was there. No, he was there with his
mistress and so he owned a France policy firm in London and
she was a secretary and he took her away and his wife was.
Being serious with. It maybe they just needed to do
loads of paperwork and for the Maldives, I don't know.
But no, his son had been killed and he was going to Andrew like
he shouldn't be doing the door. So she was going to me.
You don't need to do the door. You've built in company.
Why the fuck are you doing the door?
And I was like, I'll give it up, I'll give it up, give it up.
So I was going, I came home, that was May and this was July
and I was like, no, seriously, next two weeks I'm stopping.
I don't care if you get anybody. How?
Long have you been doing the door for. 10 years.
And you were doing all different bar like it wasn't a big
stretch. First door I ever done was an
Irish bar in America. Right?
Like illegally, obviously. Were they easy to do?
What was it like out there being a doorman?
They were the easiest ones because the cops, the cops
actually sit outside bars and nightclubs when they're getting
out and there's big crowds right on purpose to clear the street.
Whereas, you know, well, I suppose it's similar to what you
would have had at the the egg and the bat.
The cops used to sit there too, because it was all students,
young ones. So similar to that in America
and then? America is a like, guys had
this, guys had a full pint. I was, I was in America and what
happened was there was a guy acting at bollocks in the bar
and the bar mom was, he didn't know how to deal with them.
And I just grabbed your mom and put them out.
Was he American? Yeah, and the guy was like,
yeah, that's Gary or anything. And I went fuck sake, mate, he
was just doing everybody's bollocks and he's drunk, do you
know what I mean? Once you put him out like
outdoors, he's not coming back in again.
He'd kick a door maybe for two minutes here, but you get fed up
and smell the Wawa across the street where the food is and
he'd be away, you know what I mean?
Smell the Wawa. Wawa over.
There's a spar, that's what you call it.
As in Spar the shop. They got spars and sandras over
there, they're called. The Yeah, but you'd never say
smell the spar. He'd be all right.
He'll get tired and smell the spar.
So what's that? What do you mean they have they
like dealt the deli? Deli counter in the Wawa What?
Why don't you send the Wawa? That's a skull.
I'm going to start using that phrase.
I'll never explain what it is. I'm a way down to Wawa here to
get a pint of milk. Heaney's going to smell the
Wawa. It's obviously an Indian thing
or something, isn't it? Right.
But obviously. Yeah, obviously, yeah.
But so that's what happened, and then it was over there and just
dumped bits and pieces over there and then came back here.
Did you do all in America? Did you do all sorts of jobs?
Different kinds of ones I like. Well, like all different.
Ones you can't say. No.
But the door you were like. Everything was just, I was just
like case in hand, you know what I mean?
Just whenever it was a Celtic match on or Gaelic match and big
crows were coming in, Ari Snakes, the guy was just like me
standing there. So it's just basically me
standing the bar still getting paints, but it was getting money
for the door. And then you were on.
You were on honeymoon top and you were.
Running the door up, yes. And the guy, because the guy was
telling Andrea about his sundown and stuff like I get stabbed in
London and he was just like, get him away from that.
And I come home and says that and then I get the finger bit
off on the Sunday night, which was two weeks before it was
finishing. That's like a cop movie, you
know, like the guy's about to retire and he's going on one
last one last case. But I wasn't even looking the
case. Fucking hair case just for me,
you know what I mean. Do you know what?
No. But by the way, people might not
think you're being serious about the finger.
Yeah. Google man, Google it.
A man bit your finger off. Yeah, because I remember when
you first started doing stand up and you were talking about it.
The second gig, I probably spoke about it.
And don't get that, don't get anything.
And I I, I think we all thought you like the other comedians
were like, oh, OK, Like he's. That's that's a bit.
People sort of hear that story. Do you know, I thought you were
doing, you know, like when people go like that, you know?
People ask for it, but then you show them it and then they're
like, Oh my God, yeah. Then they Google it and they go
fuck. But if it hadn't happened, it's
it's mad because I was angry for years about it, right?
And really annoyed and like the court case and all took three
years to get it in. He got away with it, you know,
I'm a scumbag. He was fucking not, and that's
the way it goes. Did you say there's a video
online of you doing like martial arts or karate or something?
No, they showed in court boxing stuff of me and fates and also
my names on bills of fates. So what?
There was a long list of things that happened in court.
I mean, you could go in the fucking 20 or 30.
He had this bar still. It was just amazing.
It was fucking this guy McDonald, he's like fucking 5
grand a day. And he just, he just went after
everybody, no matter who it was. There was a girl who was only in
the bar that night because her son was singing in a local
talent show in a bar beside it. And that bar closed early.
And then they came to a bar because we were open to 1:00 and
she wasn't drinking. She's disabled and she had a
disabled car and she went out, moved her car, turned her lights
on to look for my finger. And they asked her what drug she
was on. She says, what do you mean I
don't take drugs? And he was like, oh, well, it
says here you get this prescription and this.
And she went, oh, that's prescription.
He says, but it's drugs. So you're a liar.
Like that was the kind of level of stuff where he was getting
people confused. And then I was like, these
people are here to help me because something happened to me
and they're fucking ridiculing them like, and I just want, I
want this to be over. And then the case didn't go
away. I just remember walking out of
court and just going, fuck, I'd like, do you know, I was the
first time I remember saying the cops when it happened.
This is an opportunity for you to say I'm from West Belfast,
that I'm actually letting the cops fucking deal with something
to do with me. Because normally if you like the
cops in their house, you don't have a house when they go away.
Do you know what I mean? And they fucked it up.
They fucked it up. And it was the, IT was just the
whole justice system and, and Andrew was like, fucking hell.
But actually like the the night that it happened, were you like
in, I was going to say, were you in shock?
I mean, probably would be the answer.
But what I mean is, could you take it in?
I knew exactly what happened and I think the calm that I was at
night, it wasn't me, actually took something in my body took
over and was like, this is how you deal with this situation
because of you like. Autopilot sort of thing if you.
Said to me and genuinely if you want the 10 doorman and says if
a fellow put your finger off what would you do I thought was
fucking. That's what everyone I'm gonna
tell you yeah I did not do that that night and that went against
me and that's what they in court they were like this is this guy
this is what he done this is him over the years.
Do you think this is what he would have done and it was like
it went against me. Yeah.
Do you know what I mean? But I'm not angry no more.
Forgive him for doing it even Do you know, because I take the the
thing that I were ago. It happened for a reason.
If I. Had don't you understand up then
a? 100% So there was that happened.
And for the sake of what? The tip of a fucking finger,
yes, I've a thoroughly grip in it.
But I mean, at the same sense there's worse happened that fell
in the Maldives. His son get killed on the door.
Yeah, yeah. So it got me out of doing the
door and it put me in a different path.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah.
And I'm and I'm doing something that I love doing now.
So everything happens for a reason.
I know it's mad to say that, but that's that's the way I look at
it. And you have to look at it.
Did you? No joke did you did the fine you
said there were found the. Finger and genuinely we.
Couldn't get it back. No, a load of doorman from
different bars came and looked for the finger and one offensely
found it. And the reason they couldn't
find it for so long was they chewed it and it was amongst a
load of cigarette butts and it looked like a chewed up
cigarette butt. And they gave it to the police
and the police put it until a bag with ACE and phoned the
hospital. And the hospital says it's past
needing it and the caps to the bin.
Would you have wanted to keep it?
I was wanting to go down to the bin the next day and get the
fucking better finger back. Well, she was, Andrea was going.
Surely they should have kept it for DNA from his mouth, you know
what I mean? Oh yeah.
But they just stood away and they said at the time I was
like, why just do it away? And we're like, we're not
allowed to hold on the body parts.
And I was like, well, I've seen fucking stuff on there where
yourself kept all the body bitch.
That doesn't really matter. But maybe it changed the end,
you know? What I mean, Yeah, yeah.
So it was Mantle. It was Mantle.
The the funniest thing of the whole.
When I was in the hospital, I get sent.
Then I went to the the city that night and they couldn't deal
with it. And this is you have to go to
the Ulster to see a plastic surgeon.
And I was like that ugly, like fuck sake, now you need to go
fix your finger. And I was like great.
And I went to the Ulster and genuinely there was kids coming
in that had been in quad accidents and the wee man in the
fucking bed next to me had fell in the potato peeler and lost
his. Arm.
How small was he? What he's?
An old man, right? But a potato?
No, a big machine. So he fell in that ripped his
arm off, right? So he was lying next to me and I
was like, so they were coming in and going this guy's fell in
that we can't do your surgery today.
I was like, folks, he fell in the potato peeler and lost his
arm. I think I'll be all right.
So he was lying in the bed next to it and all my mates was
coming up. Every single person that came to
see me in the hospital either brought me coconut fingers or
chocolate fingers or a laser pointer was an oaring.
It was brought like it was genuinely anything associated
with a finger. Calvary's Finger.
It was like subconsciously I don't think the matter the
purpose because I was going, this is fucking like all the
stuff sitting there. I was looking at it going I
guess it's a fucking joke here. But he was sitting in the next
unloaded boys come up and they're all making noise and he
says look, I'm dead. Sorry.
He says don't worry about it. He says I'm enjoying it, I'm
enjoying the crack. He was a wee farmer and I was
like red really old and I was like, are you OK?
And he was like ah fucks your snouting hasn't happened before.
And I went, what do you mean the same machine ripped his other
arm off 2 years before that. So we had both arms ripped off
by the same machine. And I've sit there and I'm
looking at the boys and I'm going, is he joking here?
What are you seriously? He was like, ah, hold the floor
to get a new machine like just you know.
And I went, you've no more arms now.
And the poster said look at it, he said.
Like the way you broke the news to?
Here he was. What do you mean?
And here's me. The next thing you get tripped
off when you go in there to try and get something that stuck
into your fucking head so they'll be going in after your
fucking move. And he was laughing.
They were all sitting there and fucking here's me.
He used to be the one armed bond that now you're no armed bond
that like to know what I mean? Why did he want spuds so badly?
No, he, he was a spud farmer but it was a machine in his farm.
But like stuff like that happened which which fucking
brought me round a wee bit because you were sitting in the
hospital. But genuinely all that.
And then I got the operation eventually on the Wednesday and
I was back on a roof on Thursday and I remember going in on the
Friday and it was a job in Lisburn and I was on the roof
and I just sat down. Everybody went down for their
tea and I rang Andre Crown. Did it like hit you in a delay
in a delay? That's that's the day it hit me.
Everything had been happening along so I was all.
An adrenaline as well, probably like.
And then I I was just sitting on the roof and started crying.
I phoned her and I was like, you may come with me.
And she's like, why? And he says I'm crying and I
can't. I, I, I don't want to be crying,
but I don't know why I'm doing it or what's happening.
I think that it just hit me. And then from that day on, it
was just fucking the drama from it.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.
And for such a stupid wee thing like.
No, but it it altered your life. Yeah, I, I, I think it was like
stupid wee things like I was walking down steps after and I
went to grab a handrail and the finger hit the wall and it went
up my nerves and I lacked all the handrail and I went face 1st
and then ended up slipping the head, you know, and I couldn't
lift the chair at the time party was named, you know, wee things
like that was what was an army and then I couldn't function
properly and what I ended up lost in the majority business
normal. Because I got the cast off
yesterday and I'm podcasting today.
You're doing some, but you were podcasting with the cast on that
scene. Do you know what I mean?
So it's similar. I like again the taxi saying
he's the same as 2. You're you're the Hollywood
version of Paddy McDonald. Do you know what I mean?
Well, I actually put casted with a cast on, but yeah, I mean,
it's fucking it's mad that like most time you ask people walk
out. You understand up ago, school
plays and all, it's pretty funny on stage you had your finger
bitten off by a man and that in a way brought you to stand up
because you were looking. You were looking.
I'm right in saying we've talked about this before a bit, but you
needed like you lost like a purpose almost or like you were.
I just wasn't the same person. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Fucking just wasn't the same.
I was always a messer. Always.
Anybody went to school, meal time.
Really, Messer? Fucking.
Messer Clean Messer, right. Always laughing.
Solar Party, always messing about, always imitating Billy
Connolly doing voices, Paisley, Gerry Adams fucking whatever.
Always messing about. Up for the crack, watching
comedy, love comedy. And then after that I just
became dark and sad and fucking. I didn't know.
I didn't know that it can damage you that way.
Yeah, yeah. And, and it was just to pull me
out of it. Andrew then says what we'll do
and somebody says bring them the economy, Nate.
And I'll never forget it because my first gig was the Nate of the
first day of the court case. So we were in court that day and
it didn't last that long. It was Stewart went to Dakdan
Morgan, who was the highest judge in the land.
And I was waiting on word from him the next day to find out it
was going back in again. And we went and done my first
gig that night. That's a mad time to start doing
stand up, which but the release from the stand up must have
been. I genuinely stood on the stage
and when I couldn't pay for the feeling I'm good, I couldn't buy
stuff to make me feel the way I'm feeling, Yeah, it was just
like. Because when you do stand up,
when it's good, like your gig, whatever you're, you can't think
about nothing else. Even if you wanted to, you
couldn't. If you've got anything else
going on, it goes away when you're doing stand up.
Black. Box in you.
Know cathedral court in the small room I was to do 7 minutes
I think it was 18 years old and I.
So much of a gap between 18. And years old there when I said
that I never imagined once a day I.
Was fucking 31. Do am I ampaturable?
Yeah, literally half your age when I started.
But but I I I would have done it at some point to think like, and
I don't know why it was that. Well, I don't know why I was
then because I was going to tech and I like the freedom of that.
I felt more like comfortable. The couple of years when you did
drama in tech, No. No, nothing like I was.
Doing I was doing all behind the camera stuff, right?
I would never have had the balls to do drama or act in a school
play or anything like that. You know, I don't place in
school. No.
And I hid it from my. Mates, like genuinely, I
remember Hayden from my mates that I liked ACDC and fucking
Led Zeppelin and listened to fucking all that.
It was like, why don't you listen to Buddy Scooter?
You know what I mean? It was like, so I got a part in
Seven Braids for Seven Brothers. That's Gillian and I.
Was like in school. In.
School in a curd. School, that's right around
people. I'm sure will have seen if you
haven't watch the clip where Paddy talks about when he went
to an old girls school and. Which with hindsight, was a.
Very poor decision from them to allow that.
I think it was a great one and. But I was in the school play and
I was hating it from all my mates like and I told all my
family, don't tell anybody I'm doing this.
What do you mean? Were you just hoping you'd be
that good? An actor, they wouldn't.
Could you like change? No, I didn't want them to know
because. People in the estate would knock
my fucking for being in it. That that was like I didn't want
people. Don't express yourself.
Fucking potties of fruit, no. That was exactly what, Yeah,
yeah, yeah. I mean, the nicest terms.
And I remember like the 4th Nate, I came out on stage and
they were all on the front row. And it didn't slag me better.
Because I must. Have been shit.
But because. Probably because you just
fucking. Because you went for it, people.
No, I think I hate what 1. Of them they'd say to me was we
were gonna slag A bollock city, but then a senior on stage from
all them birds and they were like right fly bastard, you know
what I mean but. I I.
Wish I had it done. I always wanted to to do like
drama or but then I think if I had it done it when I was
younger, it might like put me off or some.
I think I I also think it came to it at the right time.
Yeah, but like my the first gig I did was shit.
I was so bad. But what did you hate the?
Gig or no? I love the feeling but I but I
forgot all what I was going to talk about.
I got by because I was just improving.
Then about the fact that it was my first gig and I was doing so
badly and I looked when I was 18, I looked 14.
So people felt so bad for me and they were like, it was like
watching your kid on stage. How long did it take you, do you
think? To become like you done you done
a good gig it. Was weird for me because.
My second gig was brilliant and then after that it wasn't right.
So it was like the second gig was like a false dawn.
So I did the first one said I love doing that.
I'm so proud that I did it. I'm I'm but I'm not going to do
stand. What year was that?
Oh. 2000. And seven maybe.
And then I started doing in 2. 1011 yeah, but I, I.
My first gig was shit and then I got the I got curious, but again
I was like, maybe do it one more time and it was brilliant.
And I was like, I do this now and I'm really good at it.
And then from the third gig on, it's never good again for a long
time. I just got lucky with.
I remember seeing your. First gig was in Dungannon and I
thought you were good in Dungannon.
Your first gig was in Dungannon. You're.
The first gig I seen you. Oh, right, Yeah, yeah, yeah, was
the my. Second gig.
Competition. And I thought you were good.
And then I seen you in the pavilion and I thought you were
shite. Yeah.
And. Then I seen you.
Again after that and you were brilliant again, but I went
through. I also had a period of about
four years where I was shit at stand up and it was around the
time me, Colin, Mickey and Sean were always doing gigs together.
And I, I think, I think I was just trying to like fade where
you were, what you were doing. Be other comedians like.
Not like the material, but the I think it wasn't until.
You started really doing like stuff, talking about your Diana,
Yeah. Did you?
Start real things. Yeah.
Like things that was how would you?
I also think I was trying to be. Cooler for a long time, you
know. Like maybe no I have seen the.
Videos he is. Trying to do rap and stuff, me
trying to rap MC Beaser stuff. Not MCB Sir before.
That did you do flick and beans? No, that's Dave.
Wasn't that Dave? That's not me.
They took that off YouTube? Yeah, they took it off.
Yeah, but no, it's my MCB. Your stuff is.
Genuinely a great body of work. No way I've.
Seen it. You're not as close to the new
Lodge 2 pack like but well, that's what I'm hoping to be.
But if you maybe change your voice to sound.
Like at the F man, maybe you've you would reach.
The hates that you want to reach.
What's the worst have you? Like, do you break bones when
you're younger? Like what's the worst injury?
The worst one for me. Was the isn't it the metatarsal?
Is it or the cartilage in your knee it locks or metatarsal in
your foot Metatarsal. Meniscus.
It's the one. Is that not the?
Cartilage goes in the leg, locks right, the cartilage goes.
Into your kneecap. And it locks.
You can't bend the leg. But did you not do injuries as a
kid? I feel like you would have
broken a lot of stuff as a kid on the boat.
See, I don't have weak. Bones lately.
Do you know what I mean? I don't have weak.
Bones it broke.
You can't be a Superman. And fucking have a thing, but it
gets the words describing. It to me like if I've got this
wrong when your broom bone heals from a break, it gets stronger
right. So every six months I'm just
going to break another bone on purpose and then I'm going to be
like our money bonus broke me. He's the one that Jamal.
Bit the to get the finger off, you know what I mean?
It sort of Trump's mind a wee bit, but I.
Haven't broke anything like a. Toe maybe?
Yeah. Finger.
Finger a finger. Was broken like a bit too.
What? Wait, what was the first time?
You did the door. What was that like?
Your first? Do you remember your first ever
like shift as a doorman in? Belfast, Yeah.
What did? You do it in America for the.
First time, right, right, right. And then what was it like coming
back here to do the door? Strange because.
It was like you were doing bars and you knew the people, right?
And did that mean? You got an easier time or a
harder time from some people. I do, you know what I mean?
It also meant that they knew where I was going to be for a
certain amount of ours. So if they had like when I met
Andrea and we working out early on, I remember we went out for
like a fountain's meeting with her friends and she was like, do
not let me down because everybody went down to somebody
wanted to feed you and I was like, I won't let you down.
Where we're going. We're going there.
We restaurant and all the time dead on sitting there had the
meal where we're going now, Caffrey's and I went fuck me,
were you like a wrestler? Putting on the elbow pads, I was
like, everything isn't good on there like and she went just.
You don't. Now in Furnace, Liam Shannon,
who runs the Fate Academy Ireland, He was doing the door
and all that. So I sort of went to myself for
they all know me and they know I'm not going to fucking do
anything. But we literally walked in the
place now just says with the girls, we're going to the
toilet, we'll just get a drink. And I went over to the bar with
the two fellas that I had just met that night who were
boyfriends or her friends, right?
And I stood at the bar and a guy turned before paints, just
looked at me, dropped the paints and just fucking head butted me
so. Andre and the girls came back
from the. Toilet and I'm outside and Liam
Shannon was going like he didn't do anything.
Your man had bothered him and Andre was going.
I fucking knew you were just and I was like I genuinely didn't do
anything. I didn't even lift my hand back
to him. And the guy was like you and
your mates when we were 15, not my fucking.
And I was like were, and he was like St James's and I was going
who was my mates? And he told me and he was I or
no, but they were your mates, you know.
And I was like, man, you're fucking joking here.
Like so, Andrew was annoyed. You you forgetting about it?
Yeah. So she went.
I write. That on you didn't start
something. Do you know what?
I mean, I was. Like.
In the head, the butt in Ballymurphy.
The night before went back on the door because of COVID like
it's. Fucking you can't even.
Fucking read it. That was mistaken identity, was
it? Well, so they say, but you got
into. Trouble for someone just
fucking? Bump bumped I get out of a man,
get ahead of the head of a fucking.
Baseball. But then you got in trouble for
it. Yeah, because Andrew was like,
you brought the cops. To the door and I was like, I
know, but I can head over there by baseball, but I did on.
Is that what happened? You just so happened to be
dropping your van off and Ballymurphy and the guy was
there about baseball but looking for somebody in the van.
And I was like, yeah, that's basically what happened.
And she was like, I raped that on and she wasn't talking to me.
And it was mainly because I was bringing something in for
dinner. COVID had happened, right?
And I was like, no, I was fucking bring something in for
dinner. And I was like right, I'll be up
in 2 minutes. I dropped the stuff in for
dinner and says stick it on, I'll finish it.
I'll be back in 20 minutes. I'm dropping the phone to bottle
of Murphy. He'll drop me back up again.
And that's it. Didn't come back until half noon
And the cops were with me and she was like, what about dinner?
And I was like, what about my head?
Just. You know what I mean?
It's just like it, really. Felt when she was like, I'm
scondered, took the kids, the bed and everybody up here, we've
just moved in and everybody thinks fucking the cops at the
door, right and. I was like, right the next day.
I went to the CFA and your mom done the thing and it was all
over the Internet and I'm sitting going at once at all
stop. The Fitbit was broke.
My phone was broke. My phone was gone.
Like I mean my phone had never went they got if anyone doesn't
know. I beg the fuck up someone said
you were doing. Security at the shop.
And someone was a COVID inspector.
Inspector McDonnell. I was.
Hating, hating and COVID fucking
personnel. I wasn't doing the door.
I didn't have my bad. So I wasn't doing the door at
the Wawa. At the Spar, the Wawa.
Spar the fucking that is the Wawa spar and fuck me.
It went around the world in. 10 minutes and I just remember
calling Hardy. I explained this one though yeah
and I I just sent her a message just going you're going to see
videos and she went what do you mean going to see the like
everybody has rang me yeah and she was like is that your mom
from last night? And I was like, no, this is a.
Different guy. All the guy and I was like, yes,
you could. Here's the thing.
Only if you knew you could you tell that it's you like you
could be like all that definitely is party.
But it got sent into our comedians group and then you
obviously were dealing with stuff at the time.
So you didn't see us chatting about it at the time.
But somebody was like James Mckenney or someone was like, is
this party? And I didn't watch the video and
just went probably whatever it is.
Yes, it's mad the videos are about.
Because I said that like, see, when I was younger, the videos
weren't about right, but if they had it but you.
Tell the stories and people's like.
Did it really happen? Whereas them ones is like, no, I
can see it, You know what I mean?
Yeah, but doing the door in there was the toughest door I've
ever done right in my life. Yeah.
Oh, at this bar. Yeah.
Do you know what? I mean, I can deal with drunk.
Fellas and drunk women and put them out of fucking bars and
clubs, No problem. Put them out, close the door.
It's done. But a wee woman that can't
fucking get her post office money on a fucking carrier
that's fucking coordinate in the morning, it's very hard to deal
with. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah. It's not down the heart.
There wasn't COVID, right? Yeah.
No, there was a girl. Turned up with eight of her
family. Members and you were going to
the Springfield Rd 2 at. A time and they were going what
do you? Mean we always go together
fucking shop on the Monday morning and I'm like but I can
only have two at a time but we're a family.
I know, but it's two at a time. But I don't get what you're
saying. You can get eight of us in and
another one person because that's only two.
And I was like, no, I know you have an extra fucking toe on
your foot, but like, come on. The fuck?
Like you could have got it. What's that the extra toe on?
The extra toe, yeah, it would have fucking got pulled off in
the potato peeler probably I'm. Literally going to be.
In bed tonight and remember that guy in the fuck with no arms and
the potato peeler and burst into tears.
Do you know what? The Riemann's probably dead now.
Probably. Dead.
Yeah, hopefully. Because it was in two. 1000.
And six, 2007, probably dead night because he was fucking
well on there. Imagine you had to go to the
hospital for. Something and you just saw him
in a bed. You just know it would just be a
body. It would just be a body.
And they'd be like, is that fucking James the farmer?
I got his legs and his fucking head, so it's just a torso.
It would just be a wee torso. Still fucking picking, but not
still still picking potatoes and comber with his ours cheeks or
something. Oh Jesus, what are we, man?
Like fucking. Wasn't put off by the 1st arm
getting ripped off but then again the same machine like yeah
RIP my. Arm off once, shame on you.
RIP my second arm off. I'm I shouldn't be at this game.
Why did you not get a new potato pillar?
Where? Peter, he says, Fucking cost me
an arm and leg. Genuinely it.
Was something like he? Didn't say them words but he
says it was too much money and it was an old machine but with
jam and he would have had to get in the fucking get it with a
second and was getting pulled in the last.
Year we haven't talked about oh, you haven't on seems like your
Ulster Hall show and all that and now you got a waterfront
show happening. Yes, 12th of November.
Tickets flying out like over half sold but plenty are like
ticket links and all there ticket master were you promo my
shows? You're like that, doctor.
Listen, she she and tossed. Fucking seeing somebody want to.
Take to my shows, they'll get them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll fucking get them.
Yeah. Because they'll tell you why
people go to my shows are used to getting stuff that they're
not meant to get. Yeah.
Do you know I had? A phone call.
On Facebook yesterday from a fella that I haven't seen played
five or saved with him twice and I have him on Facebook and he
rang my Facebook and was like here I had a fucking ticket to
your show next week. But fucking know what happened?
I was fucking, I was going on a wee holiday and I said to her,
fuck it, I will fly out the next day or Nah, fuck it.
I don't even really know Paddy. But no, Donald just sold the
ticket. But now I'm not going on the
holiday. So because we haven't got the
kids fucking vaccinated and she hadn't got a booster.
So I want the ticket back. Then your mum won't give me a
ticket back. And I was on my mate and I was
like, I don't give out to your cousin.
I go down, fuck it. See they can't.
I want the ticket back and he won't give me a pack.
But Long story short, I wrapped the store.
He's not answering. Can you get me in?
Yeah. And I was like, I don't have.
Any control of tickets mate? What do you mean you don't have
any? It's your fuck control like it's
you. You're on the boat there.
You don't have. You didn't have tickets.
Like you weren't that tickets out for cheaper?
And I was like, why would I do that?
Why would I do that? Oh my God.
See. If versus tech it comes up, will
you let? Me know?
Yes, because Daphne wants you and Michelle, your tickets
aren't available. Ticketmaster.
They're available at Nuts Corner, available anywhere.
Yeah, people. Knock on fake ones out and all
genuinely know people. They they messaged me and told
me that they get into my show in the Ulster Hall with a fake
tech. Oh, that's not what you want to
hear, I know. Why would they tell me?
Speaking of Ulster Hall, right? Please do me a favour if you
can't because of material, whatever.
I had tears in my eyes at the Ulster Hall show Right because
she lost her iPhone because people were clapping.
For someone else. Oh, I thought I'd lost my phone
and it was in my boot the whole time and I was looking for it
backstage. But you know, it would be fair.
Your etiquette was 10 out of 10. Do you know what?
All my mates went, he fought and thought we'd talk out because
we're from West Belfast. Of course it did and I went,
yeah. Pierce and I were waiting
outside when he found. It the same was going one of
these cunts have lifted. It Do you know what happened?
I ended up being on the floor picking up peanuts and crisps
off that floor while everybody was away partying after my show
and. That dumb my balls and then.
I went I'm not. I'm not invading the squad like
Outback. You help me?
Look for my phone straight after you came off stage from the
biggest show you've done at that point.
And I was like, that's it because I thought one of my
mates stole your phone. One of your mates went one.
Of your off to your mates walked into your change room as I was
walking out with her wives or whatever and the guy looked at
me. He's bald a bit or if he's not
he should be and he goes I have your I got I picked up your
phone there. I've got your phone.
And I knew he didn't, but it was worth me asking.
And he was like, yes, I hope it's in my jacket here, do you
want it? And I went, yeah.
And he went. Ah, and show me his.
Cover card. And I remember thinking if he
died tonight, it would be a part.
It would be a good thing right in your eyes.
Yeah, and then I got. Back to the car, obviously I'd
formed the police, right, because it was 8000 W Belfast in
the Ginger. And then I was like, they might
not have stole my phone, but they're doing something.
And my phone was in my boot the whole time.
See, I had everyone in the venue looking for it at staff on their
knees. You just wanted to steal the
lemon and. His new he's me, he's put that
in his car. Your encore was to search for my
phone. Yeah, but I understand if you
don't want to tell this full story, but you've done the show
something you might. I had tears in my eyes laughing
when you were talking about Bumper because sometimes when I
see someone talking about a person in stand up, I picture
them in the head. And as you're saying it, I was
picturing an act out and I was sitting beside Aaron Butler and
Rory Woods and I, I must have given them both dead legs.
The amount I was slapping their leg.
I just couldn't control my laughter about.
Going into the. Woman's house and like the man
on a fry. Yeah.
And that's sort of an angle, like he put her.
Needy on. No, but sorry to.
Take it back. This Were you his apprentice?
Were you? I was.
I was basically his apprentice. Yeah, I was.
I was just sent in to learn how you you knew him before this?
No. No, didn't know him before.
Didn't know this guy. And you know what?
When I met him, I thought I was mad.
I was like, what? Like this guy's fucking another
level. Was he Peter decorated?
No, no, no. No Joyner.
Joyner. Joyner still is a Joyner and an
absolute fucking lunatic of the highest order.
But you wouldn't if you seen him in the street.
You wouldn't think it, right? But he's just one.
Of them people. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, just. And it's real name that bumper,
by the way, right? I thought it's real.
I wouldn't say this guy's name. Because he he would turn up at
your house. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, but he. You were, yeah.
The shadow woman. Can you tell a story about about
him putting the outfit on and the and the, the husband coming
back and all that? What the we went?
What was? So what happened was the first
day was I had to go on free tourism 18 fucking 171818 and I
get sent. To go and work with them during.
The door So the boss who employed me brought me up.
He says you're working with Bumper and his exact words was.
Give it a chance. And I was like.
What do you mean? And he was like.
I know you're a wee bit of a racket, right?
And I know you're up for a bit of a laugh, just give it a
chance. Because.
They don't want to phone me and then go on.
I can't. That's too much.
This guy obviously hasn't been diagnosed with something when he
was a kid. Do you know he was just he's a
fuck idiot. Is is the determinable to give
to somebody here? But this guy, Daphne is just
like just on the main Lord. I met him and he's just he's
chewing, chewing gum, always chewing gum clean and all, like
he's not that he's but he's just mental and he was like what's
happening, but clean. Do you know what I mean?
But he had a mullet. I remember he had a mullet and
he wore double denim like it was it, but he called it a Wrangler
jacket. He had a Wrangler jacket and a
shirt. So he wasn't like a dirty
joiner. It's not like your typical when
people picture a joiner, they can see he's only one mastic all
over dirty. He was always clean, but he
didn't wear them trousers. Now he wears jeans and boots,
had a wee shirt and a Wrangler jacket and he had a mullet.
So he was like fucking short cloth, hot armors on this
fucking hard to describe this guy, but he was as fit as fuck.
He could do push ups on his foot and knuckles like, you know, he
would do them everywhere and show people like do one harder
ones not fit. But he was like fucking dead
cheeky. And he just literally went,
we're working in here. You get the tools.
So all the tools lifted in the van.
He walked up the driveway just fucking straight in the door and
the girl was like hot who are you fox it ways up to your
doors. Fucking fuck up.
What are you doing? What are you watching?
Fucking shit something on the TV Jim Michael.
There's a part that off the fuck and a bit of music or
footballers up and all for us and just going what and this
girl was like what? But she was sort of smiling like
is he serious? This is she was near enough.
You would have thought looking for a camera, thinking it was
like A and he's like wait and get the team on the fuck mall.
The boys get these doors on the fucking.
She was like you seriously, he's like, if you want your fucking
doors on, you may get the fucking need fed mother to my
boss or no. And I'm just stop, they're
going. And I turned around and your mom
that employed me was away and I was like, and he was like, come
on you come on. The fuck Have you hung doors
before? He hadn't hung doors before.
We say stay to your door when he doesn't know I've gone and I
hadn't hung the door, you know what I mean?
So I was sort of going and I was going.
I'm only a practise. And here he was listening.
I'm only a practise. He's fucking 26 No, and your
woman was called God sake. Here's have you had a stick of
fry on? She was going.
I'm gonna hang in for a fry. Who?
So we make it up the fuck and bakery and get 2 sausage rolled
baps or something for me and him.
Do you want sausage rolled bap? He wants a sausage rolled bap.
Put put red sauce. I don't like red sauce.
It was only a month yet I know I wouldn't take it.
I don't want I never had you know see if you couldn't say no
to him, right? Yeah, yeah, where he was the.
Fucking sausage rolled baps stuck.
In their face and all you know what I mean.
And then he he went up the stairs.
I do the doors up the stairs. You go in there.
And I was sort of relieved that he had left the room and the
girl was at the kitchen sort of all flustered going what the
fuck just happened and who is these two mad fuckers in my
house? And the next minute I'm on park
and he says take that door off down there and I went right.
So I got to screwdriver it. I'm trying to fuck it all
painted in hinges and I was really trying my hardest and
next month I do is when I turn around.
I'd literally met him 10 minutes before.
So I'd met him as much as your woman had met him, and he had
the fucking silk negligee on hers. *** was like a big pink,
you know? And it had the frills here and
the. Fucking silk, no.
Waist coat but he had his boots on but he was fucking completely
naked underneath it and I was like, did he just take
everything off up the stairs? And I just remember here in.
My heart do you know when your body starts going?
And I went, was she downstairs? She's I'm.
It's a big tiny house and. Turf floor.
So I'm looking in the kitchen, she's standing, fucking fiddling
about and he's up the stairs going all this year.
Don't put this leg out. Though.
And he was, there was an advertisement used to be out
where it was like a stripper, like a chicken soup or something
in your mouth. Watch New Pussycat.
But he was singing that and he was dancing about and I was
going what in a good name of fuck, what the fuck?
And she started walking out and I was like, hold on.
It's just like, what do you mean hold on?
I need to go up a fucking star and I have to run down the
bakery and get him a sausage roll back and I'm going, oh,
fuck me. And I shit, I was going.
I guess the heavenly was going. And I'm holding her whole
limits. She was.
Like watching you mad bastard. And she pushed past me and I
remember going, oh, for Foxy as he is.
And next minute the door in the bathroom just shut and she went
up the stairs strapped. What are you doing, you boy?
You know what's he laughing at? Here he was.
I'm having a fucking shake, you motherfucking bitch.
And I just went, Oh my, here's was, are you serious?
You would do that in somebody else's house?
Here he was. It's fucking turf flaws.
And I'm alone, for fuck's sake. There's nobody ever shitting
this toilet before and all I'm going she's going to walk in
their room and see her natie away.
Well, she didn't anyway, she didn't get changed and went up
the shop and he I was like, are you serious?
And he was like, what's me? A bit of crack?
Fuck's sake. I was like, it's the girls
fucking clothes and your balls and everything is in them and
what the. Fuck, I just remember.
Ringing the Fallon that night and he went, listen, no mobiles
back in. Like generally they were only
coming in and I was like, is this guy?
And he went listen, he's a brilliant joiner.
And I was like he. Might well be yes, he says, but
he's a fucking hair case and I was like, you've no idea he was
Oh no, I've worked with him before.
He says no, he says you'll learn loads with him, just stick with
it. And then the second thing was
the fucking pellets outfit that he stole from the fucking fancy
dress yet Do you know what I mean?
It was like it. Was just one thing like I've
only I've only told three stories about him.
I've 20 to 30 more ones and some of them I can't even tell.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean?
Like genuinely turned up one time in full suspenders,
knickers, thong bra like full on and walked about the set.
And everybody was just like. Why?
Why would he even do that? And here he was.
That's the one I was. Reading last night, I know, but
you're wearing you. You're wearing full girls
underwear, balls hanging out and the foreman was from fucking the
four men from them. There were a couple of brothers.
They were doing the whole job and they were like is this guy?
What the fuck? Like and I was like.
Just bumper that's. Bumper that's that's a Monday
that's that's a. Monday, wait until he gets there
Friday and he's getting excited and we're going to appear.
Do you know what I mean? Have you had?
From the shows and podcast clips and all that, how many people
that you're talking about reached out to you about it and
have you got any, any bother or anyone?
Have you had anyone mad being like, what about this one?
Tell this one about me, you know.
What I mean, the guy who went Maesteg to, who worked the door
with me, who had the night vision goggles and all so.
That. What?
Happened.
I watched. That clip the other day I.
Went and found it on my own fucking Facebook.
His sons were commenting. On the Facebook, that's right.
And I sent one of them a message and he says, has he seen it yet?
And he went, has he turned up at your door yet?
And I went, no. And he went, but he hadn't seen
it yet. And I was like, right?
So I remember like 2 weeks. Down the lane, this guy sent me
a message and I knew he was a doorman because he was stalling
in black clothes in his profile picture like this.
Or I'd say the butcher shop is. This is this such and such.
The workspace in the such and such part and I didn't reply
tell him and he went you're silence lets me know what it is.
This is confirmed and he showed him it and.
He the message that. Get back to me was if you had a
mansion, my name it'd be different.
I'd have killed you. Oh was exactly the message that
got sent back and for like 6 months never spoke to me Now.
Not that we would be speaking every day.
I was doing work at the side of my house and this was a year
later. I was installing a toilet in the
house so I had to dig the side up to go into the sewer pipe.
And he drove up the street. And.
Seen. I'd seen him.
Looking down my driver and seen me halfway look around, parked
his car, walked down and I was like well what's happening and
he kicked me in the head. And walked away.
And I sort of that he was kicking me in the head and then
he came back and took a photo of me in the hole.
I laughed. At the amount I'm going to make
you famous on the Internet now and I was like, well, with what?
Like I'm just in a hole. And he's just kicking in the
head and there was like muck on the face because I had dugout
muck and he had kicked it on the.
And he was, is that not funny? And I was like, no.
And he's like, right. And he went away.
And then obviously he must have been doing something.
He came back in and he was like, oh, I'll just say sorry, but
that I shouldn't have kicked you in the head.
And I was like, yeah, I know. And I was like, that's to get.
And I was like, right, OK. And he's like, do you want to
handle it? And he says, well, I'm.
Struggling a wee bit because I was.
Digging the hole and here he was jump out and I'll jump in and
dig super fit right And he jumped in and basically that
like it was like 30 foot down and he dug the hole and then
ended up putting the pipe on for me and then done the pipes in
the toilet and then ended up doing the whole job.
I thought I was going to die and I was digging the hole.
I was fucking digging the hole that he was going to buy me in,
right? That's what it felt like to.
Me. Jesus, he's a what?
I would not argue with him. Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't win the.
Fight. There's no point.
Even saying what he going to going that there's no point even
saying back to him I did on your knack on that my ball, he'll do
the thing it. Killed you?
Let me ask you about. Waterfront.
Or Limelight has sold out. The COVID show you're doing is
that did you just have a load of material by COVID that you're
not going to be able to use anymore?
So you're like, fuck it, let me just put on a one off.
No, what basically happened was. The two gigs at Christmas and
they got cancelled and they needed money for January.
So I fucking said just saying what am I going to here?
And the road is show just sitting just about COVID and I
went fuck it. That's all material.
And I mean I'll just fucking give it a go.
So it's just sold tickets. So I don't even know if it's any
good, but suppose people will tell You want me to find out,
isn't there? Do it.
Do you know what I mean? Wet waterfront is NN.
The we'll put the ticket link in and stuff, but have you here's
the thing you you like think about like the stage and stuff
like when you had those like panel that like light thing do
you had I know what it is, but like that was like most people
must have included just stage drops.
You mean the? Backdrop, yeah.
So that backdrop of the stage, yeah, which is the technical
term for the backdrop. You said that like somebody from
fuck. In West Belfast that didn't know
the technical term for something.
No stage thing with your name. Like.
You had. That.
Which look class. So for Waterfront, you do
something like that, like you already thinking about the show
you deal with later than that. I always leave it till about
two. Months, the a month before very
last minute, yeah, but of an idea what I want to do, put it,
I don't think the Ulster, the Ulster halls backdrop.
I hated that whole organ thing. And I watch stuff for people.
It dominates the room and then stupid.
Things behind you and stuff. So I just wanted and then it was
a made of mine that does emulate boxes.
Senko and Chris Moss. Anybody's looking at any work
and so W Balfour, no. To say and if anyone's looking.
Anywhere he used to. Be W Belfast but he's moved up
now. And lives in the moon and.
But he. He basically came to me and I
just says I'm looking something here and he was like, what about
this? And I was like, that's amazing.
He says well, I can put them on the stage.
So because we did the one year. Ulster Hall were filming that we
didn't. We like the light cancelled out
the organ. There was like a way to do it
where we like. Here's your handbriar we.
Did fault and she. Landed it up from above so
there's no shadow of it. Very fault and 20.
Torches Borough comment down. Did you get offered the curtain?
No. I get offered the curtain.
I. I rented a gold curtain for a
show once and then didn't use it and it was so dear I didn't use
it well. The curtain in the Ulster Hall
was better. Ground for the Drop a curtain
down over the top of it. You know someone who'd get a?
Curtain for but they wouldn't let us bring her own carpet in.
Do you know what I mean? I could have, I could have got
the whole thing dressed in but for £40.
No, let. Me ask you.
Finally thing I'd ask you things, do you think you could
get this stuff when it within an R right?
So if I would say, do you called Paddy, I need X?
Do you know someone who can get X right in an R?
Let me see. Do you know someone who who
could get a crossbow in an R? No, because he's inside, do you
know? Someone who could get a fake.
Passport in a day? No, I've never.
Came across fake passports. Fake driving licence.
I'm in the fucking brew here. Or something Fake driving
licence? No, but I.
Can get I know somebody. That can get you your licence.
Like if you fucking constantly are feeling it, they'll get you
a licence. Like you can get your driving
test, you'll get your bias. Yes, how much would that?
Cost. I don't.
Know I haven't acquired it didn't.
Need it. Original Harry Potter books.
In an R, Fuck's sake. Possible.
Because it did the door in Castle Street.
Right. So naturally.
Like yeah, like I'm not even the.
Reason why I'm saying about that is there was a guy and all he
done that called him Waterstones.
His name was Waterstone. That was his nickname because
all he done was was get books to order and the people that bought
them books. I can tell you fucking I were
people that worked in Queens and students in Queens because the
books were so expensive and they were coming to Castle Street and
he would go and steal it. Whatever book you wanted, you
just gave him the order and he went and got them.
Books aren't that dear. A book?
Have you bought books? What?
No. Like so how?
Do you use fucking? No, books aren't.
That dear. So you used to buy five books
for post books. Or why they'd be there, wouldn't
it? Yeah.
I've never read some things were like he.
Was coming in my books and he was going like she got that one
for 2750 like but it's fucking £82 in the fucking chap like do
you know what I mean? I remember he made 11 doing that
I. Remember when we were at Tech?
Being outside WH Smith and Royal Ave and one of the Harry Potter
DVDs had come out and a fella as we were standing outside waiting
for someone in the class, whatever ran in lifted probably
80 of these DVDs straight back down Royal Ave and as he passed
us. He just passed us, sprinted and
went. Harry Potter that's away.
Uh huh, uh huh. I like it.
He's gone. He was gone.
I'll never forget that for as long as we we were talking the
other day. I can't remember what it.
Was. I think it was actually an
interview, but there was a wee cobbler stop a shop at the back
of your cascade. No this.
One was. Do you know where Leisure World
would have been? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that what you're talking about?
And it was. On the corner it was this wee
man, he was like that and I remember out of all my mates
like it was like if you can get that, if you can get that
display man, if you get the. Man like that would have.
Been it. And in my head I was going, I
ain't going to get that. And then I think the day that I
went, am I going to go down and get that this Saturday?
Obviously wasn't thinking straight.
And then I had the wee moment where I looked in the shop and I
went like, genuinely, what the fuck are we going to do that?
Plus, forget it, probably a wee old boy runs that luck.
Nah, your mom was big as fuck and I.
Knew you would have knocked my fucking, SO I sort of had to
know why it's not worth it, you know what I mean?
That would be that would be decent of a living room.
It was. Different.
It was different when you were getting the.
Stuff for Valentine's Day for weed, birds and all that there,
you know what I mean? You just went and got your fair
play that we lodger going. I think he gets you Thornton's
every fucking year, but says Jessica on it.
Your name's Alien like Donovan is this you were stealing the
display And Donald, what was the first thing you ever shopping?
Probably. When I was a kid, I stole the.
Man would have bought me a matchbox car every week.
I collected them as a kid and there was. 2 and I couldn't
decide. More and I was going and just
going you can't get 2, you can get it next week.
And I was like, no, really like both of these are only put out.
They'll not be here next week. It's like you're not getting 2.
You can only get one. You solve the problem just like
pack one. That's it.
So I stopped one in the pocket and I remember walking out the
toy room and that's sweating. Do you know what I mean?
It's like sweating. You're like, I could go to my.
Everyone was looking at me. Everyone in the shop was looking
at me. They all knew.
Do you know what I mean? In my head I was going.
They all knew. And I remember getting home and
I had that up the stairs. But when I came home, I run into
the house and run straight up. And the man who did and normally
would have went down and get all the matchboxes because that'd be
Laurie and you could take them all out of the side of it.
And she followed me up and she's like, what are you doing?
And I was like nothing, nothing, nothing.
And she's like, what are you doing?
And I ended up she fucking fell into the took the car there and
she just like, do you get to keep it?
No fucking. Didn't she brought me back there
in? The shop and she made me tell
them on and then every week call mum and I felt like we're all
low and I wouldn't even touch the cars.
I would just go that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm not allowed to. Touch the cars, you're not
allowed to touch anything in the shop.
So like for fucking months I walked up over my hands on the
thing. What's the last thing you shot?
Was asking for a friend. Constable, It wasn't that long.
Ago and I didn't do it on purpose.
I didn't. It was a card from, I knew you
would say a car. I was like that.
Probably was on purpose. It was a card.
Right. Because what happened was Andrea
went to work and I had the two youngest kids and she was like,
what are you doing today? And I was like, I don't know,
I'll take them somewhere. And we went the funky monkeys
and which was a. Disaster because I.
Forgot that the 2 year old you need to put a nappy on her when
you're doing stuff like that. Some retarded trainer and I
didn't and we went in and straight away when you went in
the girl was like right, they can go and play just make sure
their shoes and blah blah blah blah blah, keep their socks on.
Yes dead on, dead on. I says look I want to order them
chicken cushions and chips, can he order it?
And I says we have to walk around there and do it.
So two kids went to play. I ordered that.
She says it'll take 1015 minutes.
Sat down, set everything out, done whatever your parent does,
went where to fuck my phone because I'm not even looking
after my kids in here. What you're meant to be doing
and the next. Minute the four year.
Old came over and create wet herself.
I was like fuck sake, her bottle.
Is it like you know, can you get it?
Is it a wee bit or jeans were completely saturated and socks
everything and I was like I've just ordered fucking £20 bit of
food here for reasons I'm just in the place it's £12.
They went so I done what Annie part what done and I went where
is she left her and took her into the Mueller changing
toilets and stripped her all down and then was drying her
jeans and her socks on the fucking dryer and she was on the
wee table that pulled out and the last thing I had to do was
her pants but she kept fucking trying to get off.
So I put them over the top of the wee silver head and was
turned. Around and let that.
Constantly be on and the mountain fire.
The smoke must have hit the fucking.
Thing How did you steal a card? And then you went to no.
So this is what I was telling you, right?
So what basically happened was the fire alarm went off in Funky
Monkeys and they had to get everybody out of the place and.
I kept walking out and the girl was like you.
Have to get out and I was like great and scissors like fire or
something somewhere and they're looking everywhere and I had
these pair of pants in my pocket and the smoke was still coming
out of my pocket from them so I. Says I'm just going to run down
the shop. So rundown the shop was all
flustered. So in fact he had funky monkeys
because I was trying to dry up her knickers on the fucking hand
dryer and I went down. The stairs and when I was in I.
Went I grabbed the stuff for dinner.
So I grabbed the stuff for dinner and the card was in the
bottom of the fucking thing and I put it through the self
checkout and I put so I just did genuinely, but it didn't go back
and pay for it. Now it's a police matter now so.
Yeah, that was that was. Recently, yeah.
So it was only clip that Michael and forward.
It on and forward it on infopsni.com.
Yeah, ticket links for we'll put ticket link for waterfront in
the description. It was actually get well soon
card for you. For your leg, don't need to,
it's better. Medical marvel, Medical marvel,
medical marvel. So for any paramilitaries there,
don't worry. About it like you can just do
him and now because. He won't feel it.
Cheers for coming on. Always appreciate it.
And we'll be, I'll be at the Waterfront show.
Cheers. Thank you.