I'm Michael. Che and I'm Colin Jose, and
we've got a little secret. Actually, it's a pretty big
secret. Well, now you got to give the
people something. I'm not saying a word.
Oh, then people will know to tune in.
Come on, tell them a little. Like how we're hosting of comedy
events streaming only on Peacock?
Exactly. How it's called New York After
Dark and it's a comedy show that only features drop in comic.
Boom, you nail. Into Michael Chase phone
numbers. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey. New York After Dark.
It's some kind of comedy thing, and it's streaming now only on
Peacock. You love it.
Zippers, welcome to this episode of the Tea with Me podcast.
With me, she and Todd. It's the kitchen pod.
That tea is absolutely delicious.
Far too warm. Because I thought my guest was
ready, but he says he's ready in 5 minutes.
Oh, no, he's here. OK.
He's in the waiting room. Ladies and gentlemen, my guest
today is none other. It's third time on the podcast.
Kieran Bartlett. Let's admit him into the room.
Here we go. Kieran Bartlett, are you there?
There he is. Oh, yes.
Kieran Bartlett. Do you hear me?
Connecting to audio. Folks, we are seconds away from
Bartlett. Kieran Bartlett did not connect
to audio. Jesus Christ.
Kieran Bartlett is connected to audio.
This I've done it. Kieran, I'm going to be honest
man, I just the pod has started. I just thought I would just
introduce you and then bring you straight on.
So I didn't know if you wanted to like tell me anything off
record beforehand before we started, but please just do that
anyway. I don't really have.
I mean, even though I haven't spoken really three months, I
don't have much to. Say you must have some juice
gossip like anyone in the street having an affair or.
There is gossip. There is gossip, right?
Hang on. I feel like I should feel like I
should. I feel like I should pull these
blinds a bit because it's a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, babe, your
whole set of your face, it's just so light.
Oh my God. Karen Parker bringing in this
gossip tea. So much better with gossip.
How's that mood? Yeah, matters.
Can I just ask you have headphones?
I do, yeah. Would you mind sticking them in?
They're big ones though. Yeah, play even better, right?
Hang on. You did.
You did some DJ the. Weekend.
I need to go get them. They're in the other room.
Is that OK? Yeah, yeah, that's fine.
And don't worry, I can fill time.
It'll be worth it because the sound will be way better.
No worries. That's OK.
That allows me to do more of an introduction.
Karen Ball, it has one on it. A mic on my headphones, is that
better? That, that's probably the ideal
situation here. That's why the best thing that
could have happened, Ladies and gentlemen, we also got to see a
split second there of the corridor of Kieran Bartlett's
house. So if you ever wanted to know
what was happening there, now you get to know.
Kieran is my guest on this episode before the episodes
episode before the episode, which is now the thing we say
starts, let me plug the Patreon, which is patreon.com/T with me
podcast. You go there, you get the Monday
bonus episode. We've had Kieran do one of those
episodes. We've had the top American
comedian Todd Barry do one of those episodes.
So you get the bonus one if you were patreon.com/TV podcast.
Also, I'm just about to put my Todd father show onto the
Patreon, so there's a good reason to get over there.
Plus, let me just tell you this, we're doing our first live Tea
With Me podcast next Sunday, just for the Patreons.
So. You've got that to look forward
to. I like your headphones, Karen.
You look like you look like someone I'd see in an airport.
Bomb Funk MC. Yeah, enjoy.
I don't know any bit. Yeah, because they're not.
They're not actually working yet.
Hang on, speak. Yeah, yeah, I can definitely
hear you. Can you hear me?
Yeah, but it's just coming through my laptop stuff.
Oh. Are you?
Do you know what? Just go without.
No, I think we fucked it.
Yeah. Bucket, I just.
I need to hear this gossip. Just just go ahead, right?
Sorry is this sound bad then if I don't have these?
It's fine now let's just go. We'll just.
Go ahead, sorry. So the Goss is.
Oh. My God, a few days ago my sister
and our partner were out walking their dog.
It's not about them and they that would be really weird.
And near where I live, there's like a just kind of like an old,
like an old electric building or something, you know, like a
building that a building that has things that are important.
Right, you're delaying the gossip here so much.
They, they stumbled upon two people fully like at first,
sorry, on their, on their walkout, they heard noises and
we're like, that's a bit weird. Well, it's probably just people
messing about. And then on their way back, they
heard the noises again. They went to check it out, two
people fully riding outdoors. And my theory was I said, like,
that's really rare because there's loads of kids living
around here and stuff. And it's just, I mean, my first
thought was, Oh, no, the children, right?
The children, yeah. Right.
And then I was like, it's also, it's a bit weird like this, this
is a good time to just ride indoors.
Like, do you know what I mean? Like, that's what that's what
the government wants. And I know man, it's just weird.
I think I missed Boris say that. Guys, please write indoors.
It made me wonder if if it was an affair rather than a
relationship. You know, like I say, I'm going
out for a walk. You say you're going out for a
walk and will walk into each other's channels.
That's that's fucked by a pylon. I mean, definitely, definitely
enjoyable. I like the risk of that.
I mean, also, if they're throwing about some some fluids,
there's every chance they have to decide an electrical building
that someone's going to get someone's going to get frazzled.
And I enjoy that element to it as well, Yeah.
I mean, it's just, I thought it was just really, it can't be
good either. There's a lot.
There's a lot of midges about right now.
Yeah. I mean, here's the thing.
Are they midges or are they midgies?
Because I would always say midgies, but is it not real
pronunciation midges? I think, yeah, I think the real
thing is midges, but I would call them midges.
Like when I see them I go midgie bastards and all that, like, you
know, yeah. How do you firm that sort of
stuff? Do you get eaten alive?
Yeah, because someone told me if, if you're really clean,
they're more attracted to you. So I'm, I'm walking about like
the Pied Piper back in the day. You know what I mean?
I've just got like a band of merry, merry boys and girls
midges, as I'll now say, following me.
But there's so much. We haven't spoken a good while
obviously, like on WhatsApp and stuff, but there's so much I
want to talk about. The main thing is, first of all,
I want to talk about hair because you and I have gone to
two different extremes. Yes, yeah, you're going.
You're going Lineker and I'm going film that show.
I look like you, you look like AUS Marine and I look like the
guy you've taken captive. It's weird, you know what
happened. I, I'm not going to say I was
the first person to do, but I got in early with the shaving.
Like my heart was already getting along when lockdown
happened. And I think I'd only had a cup a
couple of weeks before or a few weeks before it and I was it was
doing my head and I just thought I should shave this.
But the first time and of all this is the other thing I've
always wanted to do this. Yeah.
Always scared in case I really hated it and I was still going
to have to go out now so when they say I.
Think you've got a good hairline?
I think it looks, it looks good. You have a better hairline than
I thought you would have. Yeah, well, I feel like I've
lost that emo Bieber look that again, don't want to say I had
that first, but it definitely had it before Justin Bieber and.
Can I give you what could be either a compliment or an
insult? Hit me.
You look like Bizarre from D12. I mean, if you were telling me I
can rap, like I'm gonna take it as a compliment, like Jesus,
he's the one that wears the diaper on his head of me.
Or like for sure. Or something.
Yeah, Jesus Christ, he's that. Well he's definitely the big one
from D12. I've been told to look like him
before which is mental so I don't think.
It's a bad thing at all. I mean, I think you should
theoretically think about changing your Twitter bio to the
white The White Bazaar. The White Bazaar is a great
nickname. What did you call that guy?
It wasn't Biggie Smalls, was it? No Bubba Sparks.
I look like Bubba Sparks. Bubba Sparks definitely look
like Bubba Sparks. Absolutely.
That was. He had a great song.
Ugly. Ugly.
Yeah. Him and Timberland walking about
your tractor. Yeah, that was that was that was
a lot of fun. RIP.
I mean, I don't know if he's dead, but RIP Bubba Sparks.
I don't know. His career, yeah, for sure,
yeah. The yes so basically I got I
decided it would shave it right, but I didn't I didn't have the
correct implements right. So I had like a wee beard
trimmer yeah and I thought sure that'll do it super cute pick us
an R like and it was absolutely brutal because it was just
putting hers out. So I got that sorted, actually
quite liked it, and I discovered that halfway through it.
I suit those really rare hipster haircuts that I hate where it's
like shaved hair and like 80s length on the top.
I suit that shit. You have honest, honestly, you
have, you have a very cute head like head shape wise, you have a
very, very well shaped head. Pretty.
I don't have any like evil battle scars or anything on it
either. Yet what are those things guys
get? I feel like it's only a like a
Northern Ireland thing. Like, guys get like, looks like
fingers in the back of their head.
Yeah, You know what I mean? That like that like groove, that
natural pattern on the back of their head where it looks like a
gorilla has pressed into the back of their heads at birth.
I don't know what that is, but I know a lot of guys have it.
Also, you don't see many, like yuppies having it, you know?
I mean it's like a working class thing to have those dents in the
back of the head. They've probably been pulled out
with four steps, like, you know what I mean?
Yeah. Yeah, by like a guy who would
like, by not like a midwife, you know what I mean?
Like just fell at the back out the back of the felons kind of
thing. Yeah, out the back of the fell.
It's unbelievable. But yeah, so we shaved it and
then I got rid of the beard pretty much.
I still have a stubble, but I got pretty much to go out there
about a week ago. What do you think?
What do you think of my hair doing?
It's nicer longer have. You been thinking about this
much? I haven't spent as much time
thinking about it as I wanted to.
Yeah, but you like it. It is fair.
It's very Lineker risk. You look like Gary Lineker right
now. I've had.
That before and it's weird because he's like an old guy,
but. Don't be Linux now.
I mean like Lineker, you know, World Cup 2002.
Look in his heyday like you know me.
I think I look like you know. Have you seen a film Interview
with the Vampire? I have.
I think it looked like a guy who would hang about with him who's
not a vampire, but he's trying to get into it, you know what I
mean? Yeah, somebody you don't want to
get into the of rats, but you'll drink global, Yeah.
My Twitter. Bio interview yeah, I all may
see the amount the people's Twitter bio stressed me out.
They see see the ones that I think I've heard a comedian
talking about this. I can't remember who was was
talking about. Like you know when people write
tea drinker you just think fucking wanker.
I think it was Frankie Bowen maybe?
Excuse me? But I'm.
The Tea with Me podcast, So you want to call it.
Though I'm not calling a tea. Drinker, that's a massive full
path. That's a massive.
I I came prepared today. This is a an ice latte from Cafe
Omate. Right, so I've never seen a mom
more excited about any. Like, I honestly like, apart
from when like the most said I've ever been in my life is
when Celine Dion's album came out.
The one with, you know, like. You were the.
I don't even think it was like, you know, she's like, you give
me the eyes when I couldn't see. I remember I can sing, but she
was like. I know the song, Yeah, I know, I
know that. I think is that I don't know
about that song, but I lost the album that was called.
Let's talk about love. Maybe it was a white cover and
she was wearing a little bit of denim and a very cute white top.
Anyway, I lost my shit when I came out whenever I was like 10.
But you seem to get very excited when Cafe O reopened.
Very excited. Dave, Dave Elliott text me about
it to tell me and I was already through the roof.
So it only it made me happy to know that other people knew that
I would be happy. You kind of like hold court a
little bit in cafe like a lot of times we've talked about like
meeting up for a coffee and you'll go yeah mate, meet me
there at like 323 and I'm going with 323 if.
I have meetings that they are like setting them all up and
tell just go to everybody Cafe. Oh, and they all go, yeah, and I
go, sweet, I'll be there for six hours today.
It's a very dominant like move because I go in and the worst
thing is, and this happened loads of times and the other way
around, whenever I go in and you're still with the guy that
you saw before, it's like I can't even make eye contact with
that guy. I was like, it's technically
eating into my it'd be like hiring a hiring a rent boy.
I could have said prostitute, like female, but but it would be
it's like Karen, a rent boy and he still likes enough client
before and you're just you're just in your Monday.
You'll be in like when they I get the you know, it's my time.
You're. Telling me I'm the cafe around,
boy. Yeah, pretty much.
But yeah, just like you kind of, you hold court, you know, you've
got meetings and and the staff kind of like it's not table
service, but they still will like, oh, Mr Bartlett, you know,
what would you, what would you like?
I've heard them say a lot of times your money's no good here.
It's great man, I love here. They have a new one.
They have a new one on Lisburn Rd.
So I heard, are you hoping to get some sort of like brand
ambassador type role? Do you know what was it?
Do you know what I would feel? I would I would love a brand
ambassador role for them. But also my sister bought me a
voucher for it the other day and it's free coffee he's made for
the next week while for me like. Would you, would you, would you
take on a role of brand ambassador?
30 grand a year for Durex and you have to be in this campaign
of ads and you're this character called We Dick Darren.
So like, you've got to always be known as we Dick Darren.
And it's always like you're the butt of all the jokes and you
always just. Like it was 30 grand for how
long a year? A year, yeah, you got to do and
like this campaigns worldwide to your people are coming up to you
and being like, oh, we Dick Darren, you know, like it
follows your own. It replaces Bunter.
You know what I mean? Like no one's called anymore.
Yeah, I would do it for six months for 30 grand, yeah.
Let me ask you this do your neighbours know?
Because we've got some new neighbours, right?
And I always think, I wonder, do they know what I do?
Like I don't presume they do know what I do.
I know what you mean, yeah. I mean I kind of do, but do your
neighbours know like who you are if that makes sense?
Well, my brother lives next door, so he knows.
He's a fair idea, yeah. Yeah.
Show it to Kev. By the way, I'm building some
IKEA stuff here, doing a bit of woodwork and it made me think
you're a brother. And I think it's very sexy that
he does woodwork. And I always picture him in like
those like iron type jumpers that he wears.
And I kind of like it. And I think if I ever had like
some sort of relationship with him, I think he would really,
really take care of me and always have blankets ready.
And I don't know why but. He's he's a good guy for a
better word like that's. More does a girl want I?
Think, I think I think he he loves her hat like he loves her
rare hat more than I do. I love McAfee.
Oh hat that you and Dave got me. I tried, you know, I tried to
add that collection one time by by myself, like, you know, one
of those ones that's like has a wee peek on.
It Yeah. Do you know like the worst?
Yes. Like a beanie and a beanie and
a. Cup.
So yeah. Oh, those are the worst.
I have to be honest, right? It looks shit on me.
Yeah, Chloe thinks it's shit looking, but I like, I insisted
on worn out a couple of times because it was like it's class.
Yeah, but I died in your ship, so.
So let me, let me ask you this, what have you, what have you
been like doing the past your days in lockdown?
Like I can't really, I mentioned this to friends before, like I
was, I was talking to Woodsy for a podcast that hasn't come out
yet, but it will where I was saying like I only, we only
really know each other doing stand up.
And yeah, we meet for a coffee and we don't talk about stand up
a lot of the time. But, but I don't know if I can
pitch you at home doing other activities like like a lot of
your Instagram or a lot of your fiance's Instagram.
It's just like nature. So you're just getting out there
and like smelling flowers quite a lot because that's.
Cute. We've been doing that.
That's been. But then for obviously we did
nothing like in the first load of it when you weren't really
allowed out. And then we've been, we've been
just going for walks around here.
Like it's not far from like, you know, fails and shit.
So you can just go and have a down there.
Like we've been doing that a bit.
We're right today. But yeah, I mean, I've watched a
lot of, like I watched loads of documentaries like of Tiger King
that which I never thought I like.
I would not have watched Tiger King if there hadn't been a lot
done. And there was.
What's another one about cats? Watch that.
Oh, don't fucking. Cats.
I haven't seen that. Do that.
Did the Epstein one just you? Were a big supporter of his
right. Yeah, totally.
Yeah, I've tried to model my life on his island like it's
almost island like. Have you Have you watched that
documentary series? Do you know what?
I feel like there was a big period about a year ago, maybe
two years ago. It kind of started probably
around peak Making a Murderer time.
It seemed that every documentary and programme and drama that
came out was about paedophiles, rape, something like that.
And I was watching all the, all the ones that everyone else was
watching. I just kind of remember turning
around one night and being like, let's just stop watching these
because they're also like horrifically grim.
And then you hear all that kind of stuff so much that you're
watching it, hearing about this horrendous thing and you're
like, have we any hobnobs, you know?
Yeah, The so I, I, I'm probably not going to watch the Epstein
thing. It is weird.
I I watched it. There are other ones on it that
I haven't watched because I've gone this is this is another,
another one of those murder, you know, wrong person gets put in
gaol. It takes 30 years to get out and
we're going to do loads of drone shots of where the crime
happened and it just melts me, right.
But I've also, and yeah, the pedo ones are grim, but the
Epstein one, I was interested in that because I didn't know a
tonne about that guy. And then I've switched off from
a lot of the news in the last year and a half, two years.
I don't watch it which is weird. Because you're like, you're like
a doctor news or something, or like a professor of news or
magazines or something. Yeah, but it's vague because
you, you like, you're like an expert on newspapers, but then
you're not like a journalist or anything.
You're like a young guy, which is weird.
It's not into it anymore. It's just like, I'm not using
like you do a PhD in journalism, Like no one cares, you know?
If you don't, especially you, you don't.
Care people are like, do you have any Dick jokes?
So I don't know, it's just fucking weird, but.
Let me ask about you. Like just before lockdown and
probably the last time you were on the podcast, we were talking
about like diet then and you were on like you were like
getting more way more into exercise and stuff.
Has that as lockdown fucked up or have you been able to keep
that? Up I would say I'm still I've
main pained and actually I've dropped a few pound in lockdown,
but only a few pound because probably when lockdown happened
and our gym and stuff got shut down about there was about two
or three weeks of like slipping into, you know.
What I imagine a heroin addicts relapse to be, except I was like
mainline and crisps and then I just think, I just think it's so
it's been all right. Then we're going out there on
loads of walks. So it's doing OK.
Like we'll bought a frisbee and shit like that as well.
Like a good one. Your reaction that a good
Frisbee though. But it's it's, you know what?
It's just like a wee Halo, but it's like it makes me feel
athletic when I catch it. I thought you're about to say
like, I don't know, skip and rope cable.
Kettlebell. And you know what else?
You know the week? Well, it sticks to the
athletics. You're on a 1994 inspired
fitness kick. Awesome, awesome Mr Motivator
DVD. Karen Karen's given Karen gave
me some great advice. They're looking to shift wait
before the wedding what they do, he said they get a kick Master.
Do you remember that a dog lead with like an extendable bit of I
have. Nope, I was storing it.
I was so the kick master was safer than the 1 I had.
I had a Ryan Giggs sun ball. Do you remember this?
Rings a bell. It was the same idea, except it
was an elastic of. The elastic was attached to
visor style sunglasses that wrap around your head.
Why I'm one? So you could practise headers I
like, I don't know. Right and.
You would put you would put the ball and it would always come
back to you. But it was so you could wear
sunglasses and put the ball to yourself at the same time.
It was for a lonely child that wanted to look good, right?
Yeah, well, that's why I'm surprised I never had one.
Suited me right, except one time I volleyed the ball.
This is a true story. I've if I ever meet Ryan Giggs,
I'm fucking tell them about this.
I go hero, you won the Champions League twice in my lifetime and
I'll always be grateful for that dirty bastard.
Your affairs absolutely mental. But also I had I had your sun
ball and one day I violated it. And you know, with the power in
my body, it's snapped the elastic and the elastic came
back and cracked across my face like this big line of it was
sores. It was, you know what, always
ones that when it happens, just a child, you just go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't cry for about 6 days
because you're taking a big deep breath in and then about a week
later you just erupt with emotion and.
It was, it was like literally like a line of a lump across my
face. So weird.
Part of me feels like we glossed over the frisbee thing like a
little bit too quick. Like is this something you're
you're you're want to take 4 or you think it like, because
there's guys who play ultimate frisbee and.
I don't know if I'll be taking it forward to Olympic levels,
but here it's actually a good laugh and you know the game
donkey. Yeah, yeah.
We've been playing adult versions of that, so you just
pick like a file word and you play the game.
Yeah, that's definitely enjoyable.
I mean, I really, really enjoy that.
Like I was picturing you with like state-of-the-art, like disc
weights and stuff and like fucking really like you just
you've got that, that, what do you call it, the Velcro ball?
I mean, that is a phenomenal game.
It is, it is good. You know what I would say the
ones we have aren't the standard 90s ones.
They're they're the Velcro was actually even stickier.
So it's really easy to catch it. Like it's almost too easy.
Yeah, I don't know if I love that.
I don't know if I love that. You know what I looked for the
other day? I mean, I have regressed to the
90s. Do you know what?
I was literally Amazon the other day and they're shit now.
Super Soakers. Yeah, it probably becomes one of
those health and safety things where they're like, although the
water isn't allowed to be that hard.
I remember Super Soakers got to the point where like the police
were using them a drum grey. Like I remember Super Soakers
were like legitimately math like like big backpacks.
And stuff backpack ones. The backpack ones, yeah.
This wheel we'll add, we'll add across my street the Isaac he
had. The Isaac all one word.
Like D'Angelo, yeah, he had, he had the one with the backpack
and I was like, Oh my God, that is like the best shit I've ever
seen in my life. I could.
Like it's a little bit virgin now looking back on it when
people got that into them, you know, like, but at the same time
at the time, like they were like legends.
It was like carrying a four lead on your back and you're
basically water board and other kids.
Yeah, yeah. Like I think we're such a good
time. Made you know, the way like we
we like have chatted it we always talk about scripts and
stuff and you're you're obviously like basically you're
full time right now like that. That's your main thing at the
minute. And I was like, oh, I've got
this idea for this 90s thing and it just never really happened.
And I've been working on it like more and more now and it's like
it's so it's about set in a summer in the in the 90s during
the heat wave and see when the weather was good And I was
right. I was like.
Please let me make this. Just let me make this and like
I'm just looking back at the fashion and stuff.
Also, I submitted like a little bit of a like a like a treatment
sort of thing for it. And I'm put you in it as one of
the other, like me and you being in it as an actor.
And I didn't ask for permission to do that, but it's already
been done. So now I'm asking you, you're.
Retrospectively, is that OK? Yes, I'm all about the 90s made.
Imagine if we got to do that, like I don't want to give away
anything about the idea or whatever, but just imagine if we
got the film that like film it in Belfast or somewhere nearby
and like all the fashion. Remember that summer?
I think it was 9595? Like the streets literally
melted. 1995 I remember, I remember.
It's weird of things you remember.
I remember Maltesers melting under a pram in my granny's
garden. I just remember like leaving
them down for a split second, picking them up and melted.
Also in that summer, I think I got a bouncy castle in my
granny's garden for my 7th birthday and it was brilliant
because I had so many cousins and all the cousins were around
and we're having a great time. And I remember like some other
kids from the street that we didn't even really know that
well, but you knew everyone but you didn't know these ones that
well. They sort of came round and they
were like bouncing up and down as well.
And I remember just going up to my dad and some of my aunties
and being like, they remove them, like kick them out and and
genuinely they had to go. It was really awkward because I
think it genuinely the boy was crying.
You know, he's like, why I don't have like, could I not just
play? Because at the time nobody was
bouncing on it And I was like, get them the.
Fuck yeah. What?
What sort of have two questions here?
What sort of child were you in terms of reacting to milk and
chocolate? Not good.
Well, like my reaction to melted chocolate is horror and like
still is like I got this is true a couple a couple of years was
it last year? Last year I went up to Port
Stewart Beach and we had got a couple.
I don't know why, but we got whisper goals right?
Extravagant and I know I'll. Ambassador.
Made the best chocolate I've ever made.
It is good. There was a time when they got
rid of the whisper goals and I was like, what is this like,
like fuck off anyway. And I protested more about that
than I did about lock and like. And I, I am sorry so fucking
with this. My whisper gold melted and I was
like throw out in the bin and somebody else drunk it and it
distressed me greatly. But here's here's the thing.
When I was a kid, I, I, I don't know mate, I I must have some
kind of issue. But like, I hate when my hands
and I still do. I hate when my hands get like
dirty or sticky, especially sticky.
You know, like if you were given a jam sandwich, I would have
great stress about that. And I don't like jam sandwiches
and stuff like that. Like I just, I'm like, I can't
cope. So your stress is that after you
eat it, your hands are going to be sticky.
Your hands and hair on your mouth would get sticky and I'd
just be like, like, I'm seen. See, now I have tremendous
stress about sticky hands. I do.
I, like most people don't like sticky hands, but I can, I can
sort of cope with it. I can kind of I feel like I can
rub them enough to the point where they're going to rub in a
little bit more. But jam sandwich was the the the
sponsored snack of the 90s, like jam sandwich on believe.
Also banana sandwich with a bit of butter.
Sandwich Banana sandwich. No problem, folded over.
That was enjoyable. And I mean, it was just that
summer you're talking about in 95.
Like. Those summers didn't end.
It didn't. Those summers did not end.
They just like one day fed into the other.
And it was. Just cartoons first thing in the
morning out in the street. I have it.
Yeah, class. And like, there was way more of
a thing. This makes it sound like old
bastards, but there was way more of a thing of community then so
so everybody was out. Everyone wants yeah.
You were having dinner in random people's houses, you know what I
mean? Like you were just like.
In our street, there have been games of rounders.
Yeah. And they're like an old one.
Yeah. There's been like, like the
older kids, like teenagers, teenagers who normally go my
fucking playing with kids are out.
And there's like teams of 20 playing against each other.
And someone's uncle was always trying to start a slip and slide
with a boner. You know what I mean?
You're like, he needs to not be there.
You know, he always, he then had to go back inside.
But apart from that, it was just, it's just a brilliant
time. And like when I start, when I
was like working on this thing I'm writing about like the way
the characters looking dress and I'm Googling like Kappa track
suits and I find this lime green Kappa track suit.
And I was like, it's just, I just need to be in this.
My hair is long enough for curtains right now.
There was a sense there was a sensational bright orange
deodora top. It was like a it was, it was
like nearly like a football kit type of T-shirt if you.
Get to get to it, yeah. I was, it was class.
I used to look at that and be like, I love that.
You know what I had? You know what?
My this is true story. This might have been summer 96
though. I had a Borussia Dortmund adult
shirt that was like a knock off that my brother bought himself
in Spain. With the sea.
Sponsor. Yeah, the Continental bit, the.
Yeah. And Andreas Mueller's name on
the back and the Mueller, like the number 10.
And it was, it was that bright yellow, just like, like always.
Amazing. And but he bought my brother
bought it for himself when he was on holiday, came back from
Spain. He bought everybody else.
I don't know. This is the thing in your
family. See, when someone in my family
goes away, you better bring back some for.
Somebody. Yeah.
I used to buy my granny an ashtray every year with like
Anna Reef on it and she loved. Yeah, like shells you have to.
So he was a way to Spain. He was like an adult.
He was a way to Spain. Came back, had gotten everybody
something apart from me. Gave me this Brucia Dortmund
shirt that he bought for himself and it was huge on me.
It was like a dress, but I I loved it like, you know what I
mean? So if this project, if this
project does at some point get to go ahead and we get to film
something for it, do you either want me to source you at the
orange Diadora T-shirt or the Brucia Dortmund top?
I would say the dorm will be easier to find but it would be
better from some like guy because it was knock off and it
was just, you know, just a. Print.
Yeah, but what was I? Going to say my other question
so you can cope with chocolate on your hands and stuff.
I can't. See what you're saying about the
chocolate melting? I was a kid who was always
hopeful that it was going to reset in its perfect form.
Yeah, when your mom, when your mom's like, we'll put it in the
fridge and it'll go back to No. I thought it would come out like
perf with the perfect segments, as opposed to what it does,
which is just melting some terrible.
I was always hopeful. Yeah, the my other.
I have a question and a tale of woe.
I'll do the tale of woe first. Again.
This, this was this couldn't have been any later than 96,
right? So my brother, I would actually
say probably was 95. Miller two brothers.
They were sort of like teens at that stage, like 17, and they
went with their mates up the bars.
Amusements in Port Rush, the big last yeah.
And I wasn't allowed to go right, because I, you know,
nobody wants to hang around with their fucking 9 year old brother
at that point. And they went and but they came
back and they bought me one of them, you know, them big red
candy dummies. Yes, they're absolutely amazing,
right? How much sugar?
I know right, that's that's here, Karen.
That's what that's what the we lad wearing the adult football
shirt needs get him get him a red candy.
That brought me back when I am big dummies, right, I love them
right and they brought it back for me.
This is a true story. I only I only remembered this a
few a few weeks ago. I was talking about it.
And my issue with the stickiness is like, do you remember like
you can't finish 11-GO, You'll have it for about a week, right?
And you get it and it comes in like like a plastic.
Wrapper put it into the. Plastic, two things put your
hand into the plastic to get it a minefield for me and also the
feel of like your dry spit on it the next time you go to it.
You know when it's like dried in the first few lakes are
stinking, right? So.
I'm going to edit this by the way to make.
Sorry, this is, this is metal, right?
I in my stupidity, right? I thought to myself, I need to
find a way to keep the dummy moist for myself.
And I put it in the fucking glass of water and came down the
next morning totally fucking literally just the wee plastic
ring and the ribbon hanging out of the glass and this pint, the
fucking red water. And I was like, what in the name
of fuck? And I think I think no rose
until like I was at least 12 or 13.
It was like the last dummy like you know what?
I. Mean I just can't wait to edit
this podcast after and just have you isolated saying I really
wanted the like liquid to keep it moist and talking about your
own spit on it and stuff. That'll be fun for me.
But back in the day you couldn't, you couldn't
rationalise that. Like it was just cruel.
Like nowadays you would adapt to that and go, that's fine, I'll
go get another one or whatever. These things happen.
But back then there was no such thing as these things happen.
There was also there was also no like you couldn't just go get
like for me, impossible to go to port rush or Russia all been in
fucking Russia. Do you know what I mean?
Like. So so this morning I did AI was
on radio to plug the raid lockdown.
I was on Radio Ulster and it was a Connor Phillips show.
You basically do like a competent Essex trivia about you
when you were younger and your mom's asking the questions.
So my mom was asking questions and I was doing really badly.
I don't know anything about myself.
I was like, what do you call him?
Guy. Guy Pierce and Memento.
All right, yeah. I just didn't have a clue.
And my mom, one of the things was like, why did you get so
upset at your second birthday party?
Now, there were several birthday parties of mine.
You're talking about what sort of kids we were, where I fucking
lost the rag. Like 100% lost it.
My mum said what was the thing with 2nd birthday and I went
somebody dropped my cake and I kicked off and start trying to
fight everybody like elderly female relatives.
It it turns out there was 2 incidents 1 was the one my mum
was talking about this morning is my my mum's mum.
My nanny had a cake for me and it was Percy from Thomas the
Tank Engine because he was my #1 engine back then.
It's changed over time. Now I like Gordon, right?
But it was in Orange Leisure Centre and it would had a party,
whatever, my second birthday party, it was time for the cake.
So they bring out this Persy cake.
I'm bossing. I'm like, I love cake, I love
Persy, but I didn't realise that they were going to cut into the
cake. You know, just because you're a
kid, you're like, I like cake and there's Persy and my nanny
started cutting into the Persy cake and I, I had a breakdown.
I had a full breakdown. I was like, I think I was on the
boat saying you've killed them, you've killed them.
And I refused to eat it and I wouldn't let anybody else eat
it. Then there was another episode
where my mom dropped one of my cakes in our leisure centre and
like on the floor just because she was, she was like balancing
too many things. And I don't think I spoke to her
for about 7 years. That's roughly I I I was about
to ask about birthday parties. Did you ever did you ever go to
1? Did you ever go to Gulliver's
Kingdom? That rings a bell.
Where was it? It was, it was, you know where
it was. It was where it was where
Matalan and next is in Boucher. No voucher.
No, don't think. Voucher everything Boucher
retail park, actually, I don't even yeah, it's where next is
it's where next is and. Is it a good spot?
Yeah, it was amazing. It was, it was just, you know,
it was like, obviously they were just ripping off jungle gems or
whatever, but I had, I had these two slides that were snakes and
they're like, I mean, in my mind's eye, these things were
massive. Definitely where you had to go
up all these steps and then like or climb up a ladder and then
they gave you like a sack and you sat, you put your legs on
your potato. Sack.
Yeah, yeah. And then you absolutely fly down
this thing. And then at the bottom of it,
there was all these crash mats and there was a huge bouncy
castle there. I was, you know, just one of
those places. It just has like, it was like
farmhouse. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah. Indiana Land was a wee bit like
that as well. The free Fallout Indiana land,
it felt like if you could do that, you could do anything.
Like I remember as a kid, like sitting at the top, there was a
line behind. There's so much pressure.
Yeah, some fella like some 16 year old fella working there
with earrings, smoking, going, just following third kid and I
ran out for the first time. I went down and I was like
genuinely, I can achieve anything I want in life.
And then you go back as an adult in the other land for like a
friend's kids birthday party and you be falling go.
That's 7 foot. Yeah, I know.
Yeah, the one. The one at Culver's Kingdom, in
my mind's eye literally grows up towards the ceiling, like this
whole warehouse, it was probably like 1520 feet.
But the the one of my cousins, when he went on it, his T-shirt
kind of read up his back a bit. And his back just got
absolutely, yeah, completely burnt out.
He had like, he had like a foot. It was like a cup going right up
his spine, like. Medical Did I tell you about the
time I've gotten peeled in an Ipswich Town shirt?
No. How did that happen?
Someone kicked the ball over a wall.
This is like East Belfast at a friend's house after school one
day and I was at, do you ever remember hear about people going
to the Blackpool football tournament?
Yeah, yeah, junior football. So I'd been there and there was
like, you know, I'm big into football shirts.
I would even was at that age at like say 10 or something.
And there was a, they were selling football shirts for
2.50, but they were like random lower league English clubs.
Nobody wanted them. As I give me the heap and I got
an air switch away shirt. It was orange with a blue collar
for 2:50. And a bit like your Bruce, your
dormant shirt, it's too big for me.
Someone kicked the ball, probably me over a wall.
And you know those like 3 pronged metal spikes.
Yeah. So I climb over the wall.
I threw the ball over and then I jumped down to the ground.
So it's maybe 10 feet this fence, but my feet don't hit the
ground. And I was like, why the hell my
feet not hit the ground? So this the whole if sweat shirt
had gotten peeled. So like, my mates didn't know
what to do. They were like trying to pull me
off it but they couldn't. So in the end it just looked
like I was on sale, you know? I mean, like I was just hanging
up like like something out of Toys-R-Us.
And hanging up like a weasel in. China, Yeah, yeah, that was,
that was definitely traumatic. I've got, we've got listeners
questions here, so I'm going to, I'm going to get through some of
them. Let me see I forgot here this
great content while I figure this out I.
Heard you starting to say something about you got to see
like a glimpse of my my settlement here whenever I was
going out at the start. What's your review?
Well, I saw a little bit of corridor and then I see like
like ourselves in this house, there's a lot of cream, a lot of
cream walls, you know, a lot of a lot of neutral colours.
Yeah, I mean, it was, it was sort of seen through the keyhole
a little bit. But I, I just think like you may
have been good friends for about 10 years.
I think you have a room like not like 50 Shades, but I think you
have a room in your house dedicated to something weird and
I don't know what it is. Like I was, I could see you
having like a plastic room or something.
I think you'd be into that. There could there could be a
room. And.
Like whenever we end up next like that will be dedicated to
painting we toy soldiers because I'm I used to be really into
that. That's a great face, by the way.
That is a great face, I mean. When did you start becoming a
murderer? I used to do you know what it is
maybe used to be in field right and I have an airbrush and all
right. And then my brother borrowed me
airbrush like the teach to teach some kids in school how to use
one and he never gave me it back.
And like it happened about 10 years ago.
I'm literally not over it and I'll turn locked down open like
watching videos of guys painting the ship and I've been wanting
to get back into it but there's literally no room in the end
here like for for a week collection awareness.
Were you into Warhammer back in the day?
No, no, I mean, this is the thing I look down on Warhammer
people, you know what I mean? That's how much of A nerd I am.
Is like in the in the in a room full of nerds.
I'm like Warhammer. I'm all about World War Two
scale models, guys, do you know what I mean?
Like that's where. We went to see a house once,
like the like maybe buy a house. This is whenever I was like 10.
And then there was like a 15 year old who lived there like,
not by himself, like with his parents.
And he had Warhammer on top of an old desktop computer, like
sex Warhammer. And I took one of them and yeah,
yeah, I felt like shit. I say as soon as it took him
about two, like I am, I've never like stolen anything.
Like I was never like someone who would do that.
And once I had it in my hand and left the room, I was like, I
can't now go back and leave it back.
You know what I mean? The stress wasn't stolen it.
The stress was, I've no way of leaving this back.
And I was never able to like put it up in my house or whatever.
I just, I felt so ashamed about it.
And I've carried about in my pocket ever since.
Did I, I don't know, we talked about this before on podcast.
I feel like we may have talked about this.
No, just about well, I mean, I can't cope like I I once did.
I tell you about this on a podcast about theft about I
went, I mean, I went to Dunelm to buy a salad bowl and they're
like really, sort of, I know, right.
And they're really. Pretty weird.
They're like, they're like really, They're really thin
metal. I just met the back one.
But they're, they're enough. Like they're, but you know,
they're about 15 or 15 LB like just like for a fucking bowl for
mixing stuff in anyway. But I accidentally left the two
of them and I'm only get charged for one.
And I didn't realise. I didn't realise until I got
home and I phoned them back and I was like, I phoned them in a
panic or like. Oh, they're going to get me.
Kind of phone, right? And they they actually just
didn't give a shit. But I don't worry about it.
Yeah, it'd be way more hassle for them to like process that as
like, you know, yeah, back put it back in the system.
They probably have to clean it and stuff.
But yeah, I mean, I think that's totally fine.
Although I think it'd be really enjoyable if the right person
heard this and you got hashtag cancelled because.
Of that. Like I would enjoy over a salad
bowl, you know what I mean? Like I would really enjoy that
hashtag. Cancel That is mental, isn't it,
that there? Yeah, you just get just lose
your life like for well, I had. I had Shane Gillis on the
podcast a couple of weeks ago. Who's American stand up.
He was, I don't know if you like we chat about a bit, but he was
on Saturday Night Live and was on the show for four days and
got like council culture got him basically.
And he's still like, I don't think it's maybe affected a
stand up at all, like his brilliant stand up, but it's mad
to actually hear from someone that it's happened to.
And the thing as well is the general consensus is, I can't
remember who this quote from, but the thing that people get
counselled for is already out there, if that makes sense.
So it'll be like, you know, how many podcasts have I done or
Dave or Colin or anybody in the last 10 years, you know?
I'm rare or something like that, yeah.
But like in any environment like that, you were always trying to
be funny and you might get it wrong.
You might get it wrong. That's that's most important,
like is were you were you trying to be funny?
And because like all your best jokes come from the same place
as anything you say doesn't work.
Yeah, I mean, I know you trying. To put something out there like.
And also say you have said something like that's that's
totally wrong or picked up a certain way.
You have to let people like learn if that makes sense, like
like what happened. I think with the Shane Gillis
thing was he, he was, he was talking about Chinese people in
Chinatown in America and he was doing like a character of like a
racist landowner. So he was talking in like an
affected kind of Victorian type way.
And, and it got it got picked up and he got a lot of shit for it.
And Andrew Yang, who's like, I think it's Andrew Yang who's
like, like an American politician of like of like a
Chinese background, I think was basically like, no, let's, let's
have a conversation about this, you know, but it was too late.
But that's the thing. It's like, if somebody makes a
mistake like that, give them a chance to like sit them down and
be like, here, here's the crack. Here's why that's wrong to some
people or whatever, or, or maybe after it, someone will go, all
right, totally get what you meant to do there.
It's it's weird. And I think as a stand up, you
can't, you can't let it Godly. If you thought about that for at
the start of every gig, they just wouldn't get up and do
stand up. Yeah, or everything would be so
safe. That wouldn't be fine.
Yeah, and how often like have we done stand up and someone had,
you know, you hear from another comedian or it's happened to me
and you and everyone where you go, someone goes up the after
and go mate, you were talking about.
You were talking about people die in there and a relative of
mine died, you know, yesterday. Why did you say that?
You know, it's anything you do could be offensive to anyone, if
that makes sense. So.
Yeah, somebody like literally doesn't matter what you're
joking about. Like, I mean it, it literally
doesn't matter what you're joking about or even if you're
posting something being serious, somebody will always go.
Now I have a contrarian thing to say about that.
You know, the, the, the challenges, you go, yeah.
But I'm also a person that especially when you're in
comedy, you're going like, you know, it works on the basis of a
comedian trying to be funny like that's.
I had a. Sometimes they will get wrong,
but it's like I'm listening to you saying that.
What I'm hearing is, is that you're saying give Andy Graham,
Richard Keys another chance. Bring back the banter to I mean,
that was the worst offence of all time.
It's only banter. So bad the.
Last point I'm going to make on that is it's AI.
Had a conversation online couple of days ago and it was the most
civil, the most like that is the way it should be done
conversation. I I put a video out, somebody
got in touch with me and and flagged a thing and I was like,
oh, here's the here's the reason here's the crack yeah, high
angle. And they said from theirs and
then we're both like well, nice one cheers.
And it was a private conversation, pleasant.
And yeah, it was approached like from both sides the right way.
Yeah, yeah. But a lot of time, a lot of time
I think it is people are trying to they want to see somebody
lose whatever it is they're working towards or they or even
if they're not want not the definitely over.
There's definitely a lot of overreaction.
You know, the stuff I say that offends me sometimes I go, this
is that's offensive. You know, it's offensive the
Irish people or it's offensive the fat people or whatever
happens to be like you go, yeah. And but you just go, well,
there's defensive things in the world.
It doesn't all need to be about being.
And that that's not the say like, I mean, obviously there
are circumstances when somebody does need to be told like what
they're saying are doing. It's completely out of line.
Like what? I mean, there's a lot of stuff
that comedians are doing that that's completely, in my
opinion, completely fine. But to get to get sled for it.
Like you say, you could be doing something that is wrong or
outline just maybe a terminology used.
You have you have no idea that that's not like, oh shit, like
it didn't know. And there is a way to approach
it, and there's a way to to to discuss it.
But to just blindly be like no. Yeah.
Well, obviously it depends what it is.
There is situations where you go, Oh yeah, that is the right
thing, just to be like, the fuck are you doing?
Have you seen this? Have you seen the videos going
around on Twitter in the last like day or two of people
getting like selfies of protests, but they're driving up
to the protest, getting out, taking a selfie to be like, I
was there and get back into their car, drive away.
Yeah. Video on it like I just go like
when I see that stuff I go that's that's offensive to me.
Like, you know, I mean, like a time goes.
The last Five Minutes podcast have been very serious.
Yeah, but that's fine. That's I mean, whenever you have
you're chatting over a cup of tea, you definitely like you.
You can go, you can go at all angles.
And I think people it's probably interesting to not everyone
like, but some people to hear from two people that do stand up
like your kind of opinion on on all that kind of thing.
And all censorship thing and all that, but it's it the.
I'm extremely liberal. Like, I mean, that's, you know,
the type of comedy I love is is mean and brutal, but it's it's
very like, it's well written and like, like somebody like Frankie
Boyle, you know, I think he's brilliant.
I think his jokes are so targeted and I think it targeted
at the right, right kind of people.
Sometimes he's maybe targeted somebody that didn't really
deserve to be targeted in the same sort of harsh way.
Like, you know how he's got it wrong a couple times, but it's
always coming from trying to be funny.
It's like in any job, if you do something wrong in your job or
make a mistake. Yeah.
Someone can go up to you, like a boss or a colleague and go here
like, you know, Yeah. And you go, why not?
And then you go, all right, Yep, cheers.
And then you get on with your job, you know what I mean?
So Connor gets in touch and says in your guys opinion, what is
the most memorable or funniest joke you've heard from any local
comedian in recent memory? Great question.
There's a couple that spring to mind.
My favourite bit, I think. Well, one of my favourite bits
is definitely Paddy McDonald talking about shitting himself
when he was wearing overalls in the Irish shop that sells all
the. Carols or something?
Is that it? Oh, Carols.
You know the time, something like that, That's a brilliant
bit that's. Brilliant about that.
It's not a bit, it's party. Just telling you what happened.
Real story. And he has the braces and old
remember, and he's made, he has. Well, that's amazing.
He makes people smell these braces as part of another joke
and then later reveals that he was wondering when he shot
himself. And so yeah, that's an amazing
bit. I think get us talking about the
the sex shows in like Thailand or wherever it was is an amazing
bit. When when he says Jumanjimov, I,
I nearly fucking collapsed. Yeah, yeah, Paddy Mcgackie's bet
on anything, any of the takings. The waste, the Patty's joke,
Patty's joke without doing it to the service by telling it wrong
is I hope he wouldn't mind me saying is that the like nothing
good ever happens with the takings.
It's always someone has been shot with and taken.
And he says the same about waste ground.
He's like nothing good ever happens on waste ground, he
said. In fact, a lot of the time you
hear that someone's been found shot with the taken some waste.
Ground, yeah, that is, that is lethal like.
It's a brilliant joke because it keeps building layers.
I think, I think my favourite bit of yours as well was, Is
this the Oh yeah and all that? Like it's just lethal.
Yeah, again, one of those bits probably that just happened and
that's why it's funny because you're just recounting this
thing. That kind of is a thing.
I remember. I bet that particularly sticks
out from me is a joke that you did.
I think the first time Assault was maybe Pugs and it It.
I'm not going to say the joke because it's not going to sound
right. Said in this context, it's not.
It's not going to do the joke any favours.
But you were basically given off about Stephen Nolan's weight
loss. Yeah, yeah, I definitely said.
I definitely said it's heavy. Obviously, they said I can't
wait until I. Now, the reason that that joke's
so funny is because your joke is at your expense.
Yeah, yeah, because I'm saying like I I can't be the fastest
person in Belfast. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, just the first, I remember the first time I heard
that, it was like a bit in between bits and it just sounded
like you were saying it out loud in your own head.
I I had a good laugh at that. William, Sorry, William Thompson
has a good joke. The I'm sure he has more than
one like about about he's having sex with some girl and she just
she gets off him, wasn't she says ask me now.
And clock clocks like a like a builder clocking out.
Yes. That's so weird.
That's so good. Yeah.
I mean, there's, there's so many.
Like if you, if you really thought about it, you could
write down 10 bits from 10 comedians.
Yeah, That, that, that. He was doing that about about
the case, you know? Yeah, amazing.
But like. You know, it was always, you
know, it was always good about that bit.
If I was on after him, I had a bit based on that.
You hear me do? No, I had a bit based on his
bit. I don't think so, No, no.
It just, I would beg him sometimes to do it just as he
was going to bring me on because I had like a little lead on for
it to call back to him. But yeah, very, very enjoyable,
Owen says. What about Keith Cruises Summer
soccer School Part 2? I think we were going to start
doing a load of those again but just obviously with lockdown we
we're going to plan to do the Irish League clubs.
Yeah, we're doing some training ones and stuff.
And then we actually probably would have already done that by
now. Yeah.
But yeah, we can. We can definitely do do those
again. That was something that we
whenever BBC got a lot of Irish League coverage, I think we
pitched this kind of thing and then for half time to go out,
but for whatever reason, you know, they didn't want to go for
it. So I think our attitude was
like, but let's still make it so we can just do that like on our
own terms. And I say whenever teams are
back because you you could do that social because it's a train
and drill thing. Yeah, like we could do that
social distance maybe in a month or two.
Yeah, yeah, that'd be fun have. You you just talking about BBC
and I just reminded me of and I'm not commercial and something
very obvious. Have you seen pretty single?
No did you want? Did you watch Beauty Queen and
single? Yeah, I actually, I actually
thought it was a good show. Yeah, I, I, I binged them all of
it and then the the other night, pretty single mate 6 episode.
Yeah, I made it hilarious. It's just a good show like it's
just funny. It's just like you like because.
You can't be too good. You can't be too good a good
format and like I'm into like 90 day fiance.
It's my big thing at the minute. Love it.
What's it called? 90 day Fiance You've mentioned
that I have most of it as a good.
Very, very good. So yeah, I'll.
Shows it's basically like it's it's it's really your
girlfriend's show but you end up watching it and becoming
involved one idea that. It was the other way around.
It was the husband show and then the wife kind of came into it,
which is weird and that shouldn't be the way around,
but. I've done that with first dates.
I've done that on 1st dates. I love, I love, I love a bit of
Fred. Like, no, it's not would you
know the thing I don't like about it and it's get it's
definitely getting worse as it goes on is like the what I
consider to be like the exploitation of people with a
tragic background. I'm going, you would never go on
a first date and go, you know, my brother, he's dead.
Like I'm like. Coldplay fix you in the
background, like the reason, like I had a bit of that 190 Day
Fiance, there's a guy called Paul on it and shit does not go
right for Paul. And he's like, in a way a guy
that you just want to take care of.
And I was watching him have a full disaster, like he's fucking
everything falling apart for him.
And I was laughing at the start of some of the bits.
And then I was going, this is horrific that this is being
filmed, that we're watching this and they film this.
But then part of me is like, but it happened, it's it's a red,
it's not happening live. There's nothing I can do about
it. So can I just enjoy it as an
entertainment problem? And then I checked out Paul's
Instagram. A man is killing it.
He's cleaning up. So I'm not able to enjoy Paul's
bad moments, Dino says. Which Irish League side could
you see Bunter playing for? I mean, that's a very Keith Cruz
and Bunter fan question, but a but a good one at that.
So who? Who do you reckon?
I've, I've always found himself as a Crusaders sort of guy, a
replacement for Stephen Baxter, like, you know, up front.
Manage Oh, oh, you want to play upfront yeah I mean Seaviews a
good ground as well like you'll everyone obviously remember my
goal there in the charity game against former Premier League
and Northern Ireland international keeper Alan Blaney
that. Really.
That went into the top corner. It was just that one where Jim,
my mate Jim Magilton, former Premier League player, Northern
Ireland international captain for some games.
I think Jimmy's played for Liverpool, Southampton,
Sheffield Wednesday and Jim, I think Keith Gillespie, my mate
Keith Gillespie, X Man United, Northern Ireland national
Newcastle, Keith played the ball to Jim, Jim Chip on Blackburn,
Keith Chip one over the top for me.
Think me if I can remember this, let me see if I can get this
right. I think it took a deaf touch
with my right and killed the ball and then I looked.
I think Alan Blaney was, was but seven centimetres off his line
and obviously he's no, I think if I've got this right, he, yes,
he's played for Southampton who were in the Premier League and
he was an international and I think what it did was lobbed
them, I think maybe on the half volley with my left foot.
So. And I then went into the top
corner, which is weird, and I think all the fans went mAh.
But yeah, Crusaders would be a good move for you, I think.
I think I think that'd be good. Oren says if your child, I think
this may be directed to me. If your child could grow up to
be a famous Northern Ireland celebrity.
I mean, it's my only hope for the child.
What would you want? What?
What would you want it to be for Celebrity Big Brother like
Callum Best or comedy like me, Macfetridge.
I mean, yes, you think comedy, you think me Macfetridge you
think reality TV, you think Callum best.
I am. No, I would, I would like, if my
child was going to be celebrity, I would like, I would like it to
be for like like a business person celebrity.
You know what I mean? Like like one of the Dragons and
Dragons den, because then they're OK.
They fit into the celebrity criteria but they also have a
bit of a bit of cash to look a bit of meant to look after me.
I'm I'm. We're not I I would, you know,
you know, I would want them. I also would want them to have
like a strong education and stuff and possibly actually have
another career before finding their celebrity.
And I would want them to then do like a, you know, like that show
on UTV, Lester Spotted Ulster. Yeah.
I want them to present that like a show like where, you know, the
go. This castle isn't 400 years old.
It's not even 500 years old, it's 714 years old.
So what do you call that guy? I always ask.
Oh. Dude legend Pedro take a walk in
the wild side. That would be handy as well
because anytime you go on like a day trip anywhere on the island,
your kid would be like here little fact.
I mean it would get so fucking annoying after after a mile but
it'd be like. Little fact.
Yeah. Designed by Roger, of course.
You know. I don't know if that's true or
not, but sounds legit. And Luther Valentine, one of the
premier wrestlers in the local game, says Karen.
Do you remember Mccracken's hip hop night on a Friday with the
more mainstream Chunk Chucky tunes provided by a young
Bartlett out on the peste and smoking area?
Any cracking memories of seeing a good scrap or finger blast on
site? Right?
Great, great question. It was actually on a Saturday,
the night I played on. So the had the had like a the
had like a hip Hoppish night on a Friday.
Was that Irish hip hop? And then it was, it was really
like hardcore hip hop on Saturday R&B and I was indoors
and then we played at the back. I don't know, I wasn't playing
chop tunes like I don't really do.
I don't really do Chuck, but anyway.
Cancel. Cancel Karen Bartlett, IRA
Volunteer So yeah, it was. I do have a lot of good memories
of doing that. I have good memories.
It's when it first started. It was just me and I went down.
I brought my mate Johnny, who's a way better guitarist than I
am, and I brought him with me on the first night literally
because I was going like I was 18 and I felt like I was going
into like an adult nightclub for the first time in my life.
Do you know what I mean? I've been like drinking in a
local bar, being to the bottom, whatever.
But this was like I'm going into the lions den into the smoke and
it wasn't even into the smoking area.
It was just at the back of the club.
People used to back of it when it was still called nails and it
was it was kind of grubby and like people used to write the
back literally to just get a bit of her and because you could
still smoke indoors or whatever. And I sat down on like this
metal seat the hard for me I'd say.
And it was like raining and all and like I just had to play like
for two hours. But I only at that time I only
probably knew about 8 or 9 songs that I could that were like,
here's some like bouncing beats. So the play everything like 3
times. And this was like the first few
gigs were like that. And then I said the guy Mickey,
like Maggie, Maggie Magic, the DJ, that was wrong.
The night I said to him could could I get Johnny to play as
well? And he was like, yeah, so I had
two guitars and then we're sitting there.
And then then they started the smoking ban was like introduced
but hadn't come in yet. And they referred all at the
back because they knew it was going to be this whole new
thing. And then what happened over time
was you had like 2 crowds. There was a crowd coming to be
indoors and a crowd coming to see us class.
I have loads of good memories of like there was a few scraps, but
it never really it never really went nuts in there for a fight.
There was other bars are played in it were way worse for fights
like in there was usually fairly peaceful.
I do remember when the smoking ban was in that a made of mine
who was absolutely steaming standing talking to one of the
doorman indoors and just started smoking and the guy was like,
get the fuck out, what are you doing And then I also the same
guy, the same mate told some woman that we used to call
skate. We like among my group of
friends because we're really dead on.
She was known as Skinny Mcgold Eyes and one of my mates told
her he loved her, he pulled her and all.
Yeah, great times. Would you?
Would you absolutely love to do? A gig, mate.
You know what it was? It was brilliant.
I maybe didn't appreciate it as much as just as much as I should
have at the time because it was every Saturday it was get.
I was getting more money to do that when I was to work like 3
ships a week in Pesco, so I was able to give that up.
Yeah. And like Mickey was always dead
on about like letting us get people in for free and all.
And so it was good coin and good times like.
And then me and Johnny were like such musical snobs though like
that. You know, we would play like the
songs that people wanted, like, you know, Kings Of Leon and all
that kind of stuff. Stereophonics.
And then every now and again we cheeky sting number would come
out. Give me fragile people like
people, literally. Grow nuts.
Like at the Back, The Rise and Fall, Sting, Craig David, The
Duet Nobody Wanted. Made the yeah, no, nobody knew
they needed it like one unbelievable.
Like, I don't know. Well, I I don't know Luther
particularly. Would I recognise him from going
there? Did he go a lot like or?
I. Don't know.
Don't know why I'm asking. You was real names Idris Elba,
but I don't know if he's pretty recognisable.
He's a wrestler If he wrestles for what the like Ulster
wrestling thing and that's not to call but but I'm not too
sure. But I've got to wrap up podcasts
because I need to pee so bad and feels like a nice point to end
on because when smoking area gigs and stuff.
We're going to be back folks soon.
Don't worry about it. See, just before we do go on, I
know you love when I do this and try to jam another story.
Do you remember? Do you remember when I you, you
actually basically got me my gig in Filthy Mcnasties.
Essentially there was, there was a night you had me and Mickey
come on your radio show that was for Blast.
Yes, we went and did that. And then we, we were like, well,
we'll go for a drink and Filthies and you didn't come
with us originally that night. I mean Mickey went to Filthies
and there was an open mic night on and Mickey said Mickey said
if I did a tune he would do 5 minutes and I ended up doing
about 5 tunes and Mickey didn't didn't do it.
And so Mickey. And they were like, here, do
Giggler, do you play music? And I was like, I and they were
like here do you want to do Tuesdays or whatever?
I was in there for like. I ended up getting in there like
3 * a week for about 6 years. OK, I'll send you my account
number and sort code you just said I got you.
Unbelievable. Yeah.
I just want to. Get back out.
Anyway, before you go, let me just plug the Patreon one more
time. patreon.com/T with me podcast for bonus episodes.
I've done one with you, got an episode with Todd, Barry and
there and some others as well on there.
And also on the 14th of June, Sunday night, we're doing a live
Tea with Me podcast for Patreons.
Oh shit. patreon.com/team podcast here.
People want to see you on social media.
Find out more about what makes Kieran Bartlett tech.
Your username is 20/19/84 on Twitter. 1986 I'm not that old.
1986 but also follow 201984. Yeah, I figured a dark version
of me. All right, man, well, I got to
go because I need to really pay and then get back to this IKEA
stuff. But appreciate you coming on and
look forward to seeing your actual face soon.
Yeah, it's good to see you mate. Take it easy, love you.
Bye.