With toothpicks and you look like deserters from like, no,
no, no. From like the Gulf, Not the
Gulf. Vietnam, Vietnam.
Vietnam. You look like a have a wee
looker. Do you like when you go to a
restaurant? You said you want dessert.
You actually both do suit toothpicks like I'm not gonna
lie, and smoking like we're all about smoking.
You both. Do I don't know?
I don't. I don't.
People say I don't. I'm not going to work for the
rest of the pod if I'm honest. I look like I was smoking
cigarettes. I need to be in like the long
holder. You'd have a cigarette in a wee,
like, not even a cigarette holder, like there'd be a, you
know, on the end of a needle. Yes, for the white glove.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you smoke for a cigarette.
When I was 19. Oh really?
Yeah, most people start way. I smoked before that.
I only started when the smoking ban came in because it was when
the smoking ban came in, everyone outside there was more
crack and it was a better way to meet women at uni.
Yeah, when do you? Spoken player hit the game.
What do you do? You 38 Why?
Did you act like you have loads of money on Mickey not being
that age and you're about to? Really.
No, it just it upsets me whenever I hear people saying
things like I was 19 in 2000. And seven in 19. 43.
So you would have been. 4320. Two in 2007. 22 shown.
When you smoke first. Probably I was about 15 or 16.
See, I remember having we cheeky draws I like 12/12/13, but I
would I felt class when I did it like but I would only take one
or two and then I'd have to go away and take my inhaler.
All right. Would you have we faint?
I did. So I bet.
Yeah, I'd be sorry. I don't know that I would get
confused between alcohol, drugs and cigarettes.
So I take a puff of a cigarette and be like, I'm stoned, you
know, and be like, fault. Thanks, Tony.
Thank you. Tony.
Landon actually want one. But we can leave it there as a
problem and can I can I say something?
I grew up it really shoot you. I know you don't like
compliments. Weird about all that kind of
thing. That call really Shoot.
You I wore a similar blue shirt that was like buttoned up at a
gig in the bank, eh way back. And Adam Barn told me a lot.
Big filled hitter. The darts by.
All of Burns are cheap. He looks like Joe Exotic.
Shut the fuck up. I was like, I was like, I'm
angry. That's fucking.
Hilarious, I really. Do dart players not have the
best life paints and darts? Like I don't like darts, but it
just looks like you. Don't matter.
My pants even. Yes, true.
But even like. You just like start.
We read dots. But even if you get injured, so.
That's 2 tricks are gonna be dead.
Even if you get injured as darts prayer, you still play.
You know there's a thing called dart Itis no where they
literally I did a I did a bit of course, yeah, I did a behind the
scenes photo shoot for a gay who did a documentary for BBC right
about the nearly darts league and it's the it's the second
biggest darts league in Europe. They understand right in Europe.
Yeah, and I Brexit. Means Brexit.
So I ended. Up two specs really changed you?
It's changing me as well. Just like Joe Yokel, Imagine.
But anyway, yeah. So there was a gay there who had
been suffering from dartnatus, where it's like, yeah, you have
it, but you're like, it won't leave your hand.
I think that's called wankers Cramp for this man.
Well, apparently it's a real thing.
It just gets in your head like. Just yeah, but it's like it can
ruin your career. Like PTSD, post traumatic stress
starts. Yeah, do you play Dart?
No. Never throw a few.
I've got a dartboard man does this.
I was decent actually. Funny enough, I love darts.
I was a kid. I'm like you're play dart.
Nah, I was decent PDC world champ.
No, I know it's PDC or whatever. I mumbled that because I was
like. Yeah, but I love darts.
Was a kid. So when Bullseye was on TV,
weird. But there's a there's a photo of
me somewhere, my auntie is holding a dartboard and I'm like
3 throwing darts at like why? Just holding right.
And she was like. Irresponsible as.
Irresponsible. I remember.
Dad. Be like you never miss.
Like you always hit her. Sippers, This episode of the
Team With Me podcast is sponsored by none other than
that prize guy, TPGAKAKATPG. That price guy is Ireland's
number one price site. What this guy is doing is quite
frankly unbelievable. Giving away millions of pounds.
I mean quite literally millions of points done.
How much? 100 And prizes equal over 100
million. I'd say it's over 130 million at
this point, maybe 135 million he's given.
Which is absolutely not changing the lives of everyday people
when a massive sums of money. Sometimes they'll do a
competition for a supercar or if you don't want that, you can
take the cash or a house and if you don't want it, you can take
the cash. Unbelievable.
And not I'll be in such a small place.
Everyone kind of know someone who knew someone who's won big
on that prize Guy, you can go on that price guy.co.uk to see all
the draws he has going at the minute.
It's not just the big massive stuff.
Sometimes it's small prizes, and I say small will be like 10
grand. 10 grand for how much to enter £50.10.
You're saying if I buy a 10P ticket I have a chance of
winning 10 grand? Yeah, that's a million times
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greater than the price. The entry you could a million
times plus your money. Million to one 110,000,000.
If you're not in it, chicken dinner, that prize guy.co.uk.
The link for that is in the description.
Go check out. See, without everything going,
we're also doing a massive gigantic football match with
that prize guy day after the live podcast at Seaview with me
FC versus Premier League Legends.
We'll put the link for that in the description as well.
We need to put point in the direction of our Patreon as
well. patreon.com slash tea with me.
Everything is on there. We just filmed the boozy Beer
golf, which we talk about in this episode.
What we can release is only going to be on Patreon.
It's going to take Fosty 7 1/2 years to do this, and it's going
to take longer than all the Lord of the Rings films to do this
edit. But he's going to get working on
that soon and that'll be up there as a Patreon exclusive.
And I don't think we'll ever be able to be released public.
You'll never you'll see clips, but it'll never go public as a
full thing. Patreon at dot com slash T with
me podcast back to the app. Oh, I am.
What kind of put me off Dart is my granddad died one night,
right? Fucking Dart 1.
Night Dart related he died right right and then I went down to my
cousin's house just like so few more recent like not but not the
ground on that side. You get me?
So I went down to my cousin's house cousin we ran into earlier
that night straight. So I just called in and they
were playing darts and I just stood off the side and I was
like pretty sad about my grandadine.
And then one of the darts they threw bounced off the board and
went through my foot and then I was crying.
I was just extra sad because. It's much worse than the.
Dart was in my foot of my granddad that, so I was really
crying. I I had a summer appearance
where it was a woman we knew who actually should join.
She took her what he called, took the holy orders like she
was a child of Jesus, right? And she died the day.
Music Day. The day before or your first
birthday and I went, I went down, I've done I was in my
cousin's house distraught and one of them how?
Did you know her? Just from just about the town
and she's. Not around town, yeah.
What was your name, Sister Mariosa.
Sister Mariosa. Yeah, she was Spanish and
therefore 81st birthday and one of the lads made a very an
appropriate joke. Yeah, three triple 20s in a row
and shouted one on dead and 80 and I was like, lad, that's not
funny, that's niche. I was like that's not funny
though. I said even the bullseye cried
out there. Sister Mariosa sounds like a
budget cleaning brand. Yeah, in B&M.
It's something what be Goldberg's character and sister.
Bullseye was a show I never watched and have no regard we.
Haven't lived. I haven't lived.
That was amazing. Terrific.
What do you call the mother hosted?
Just bored. Yeah, well, you too fat bastard
to play and dad like. You could have said that, yeah.
Dropping Edwards like for etcetera.
Tony. Remember Tony?
Do you see the Dart Pro? Well, it was just he just told
people what scores were right. And one that is one reason I can
never play Dart I. Can't.
Yeah. I can't count.
That's mental. Yeah, that's mental.
Yeah, I've played darts the all time in a pub with people who
love playing darts in a pub and their mental arithmetic isn't
seeing and I'm like, you've had a pint.
Where do you stand on pub games? You do behind the white line.
I I'm a pool player. I make.
Horse Standard. You in white land and pubs?
Stand behind, it'll disappears. I mean, yeah.
No, but I'm talking about these bars where you go that might
have pool tables, maybe arcade bars, arcade machines, you know
that board games. What do you do?
You like that? Or I won't, I won't.
Took an accuracy and came up on a dance map.
Fucking best out of my life. What do you mean?
An actual dance map? Yeah.
Like there's a place in Manchester has like a arcade
says open to like 3 in the morning and it's for drunk
people and people on drugs to go and just play.
Like just. Nintendo 60.
Four, yeah, and I took took an axi and then was on a dance mat,
kicked in as I was fucking. Although the weird thing is a
dance mat doesn't pick up your hands, so I didn't.
A great score your auntie to hold.
One up, she's dead like she. Was a non class.
I'm dancing there. I wouldn't like.
I wouldn't like to be like, you know, not like a numb, but
what's the opposite? I'm not the non, well, like a
male non. Praise, Praise, Yeah.
The opposite of a non is a sum. But they I.
Don't know which one is to do. But like, you couldn't like
getting started by the Yeah, yeah.
I was wondering you couldn't like anything not much like.
Like religion? Yeah.
But just the literally. For non so it's a habit on it.
What would you have been if you were to stand up?
I'm not a stand up. And start.
I wanted, I know. Fuck you, she is.
You're one of us. Welcome.
Welcome to the mental health group.
Thank you very much. This is fully.
I wanted to be, I wanted to be a police officer whenever I was a
youngster. Thank you.
Be a good cop. You'd be a great cop.
I'd be very inconspicuous. You look like sort of cop.
You're always just about to go to Hawaii, you know what I mean?
Yeah. You know the 10 cops?
Yeah, yeah. Like the Chief is always like
McCoy. Get in here.
McCoy is the rule book. Read it.
Yeah, you went through an entire girls school.
You're like arm. Like Jimmy Savile.
No, fuck. Not like Jimmy Savile.
Like a lesbian. Class, the gay jokes started.
I look ridiculously good in a way.
I'm short. I would not.
Joe, I think everybody looks class in a police uniform.
I don't know, maybe it's just me, but everybody, every PS and
I officer I see, yes, absolutely.
You know, a real copper is the stripper.
Just taking us real seriously. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jillian Anderson. I don't.
I like the idea of like doing heroic things when you're a cop,
but then the side to it, you wouldn't, you wouldn't like
their bodies know, like bodies know.
But I'd like to do some cool look.
Hey, get back here. Stop bad.
Yeah, You know, like all that. Yeah.
Don't you dare you. Know, yeah.
Tell the lollipop money's out of his jurisdiction.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
There's nothing good. You're never going to get to do
anything cool in here. I wanted to be, actually wanted
to be Axel Foley. Yeah, Beverly Hills Cox.
Yeah. Black and OPS weird.
Though very weird for a gender person.
Yeah, but that's that's what he wanted.
To be ginger. People show me one.
Well there's there's a place where people have non white skin
but ginger hair. Bangladesh.
Bangladeshis have ginger. Hair or West Belfast fact How?
Do people in Bangladesh have ginger?
How do you know this like? Can you look it up?
I just don't even. Ask on a ginger man to look up.
Donald Nolan. Do you get bullied as well?
Can I, can I say I've got to give you a must?
Thank you. You recommended a chippy to me
in Warrenpoint. It was 10 out of 10.
To be fair, you already had the recommendation because I know
you put it into the group chat because Darren told me.
But anyway, umm, how was it I? Just.
Fucking told. You I.
Was a shag cop? Absolutely.
What did you say there? Yeah, who'd you kill you?
Just give away your source to the ground.
But yes, I put it in the group and then I went.
You know what? I can't wait on the answer.
I'll ask the fattest person they know from your A Where's a good
place to get a fucking chip? Thanks, Shane.
Don't you ever say. Thanks, Shane, don't you?
Ever come across a real piece of shit recommendation?
Yeah. Piece of shit motherfucker, you
motherfucker. Fucking mother Korean.
Bartlett. No, that'll be a cop show.
Always on the stage, always on the scare.
Lethal Weapon. Always on a stake.
I'm getting here. Hem drinking and me just fucking
eating shit. Yeah, yeah, Brad Pitt eats and
every scene of oceans. Oceans 11.
I thought you didn't. I thought you didn't.
Do it. He's got a, he's got a lovely
job. He's it's like Tom Cruise.
Wrong. Yeah, right.
I have a lot of free times where I know a lot of clear movie
effective. Nick loves movies.
How was the chippy apart from a 10 out of 10?
Tell me. Here's why it was so good.
The queue was halfway up the street, I went on.
You love queue. Oh, sorry that I thought that
you meant that out of your experience, no.
Oh, I was well in the queue, but then I realised queues for the
ice cream, so the feeling of walking past it straight up to
the chippy because they're both in the one thing here.
Unbelievable. Yourself worth in the toilet.
Why? The feeling of walking past the
queue right just because there's people getting ice cream.
Yeah, but I just felt like I was going to have to queue and then
I when I realised I wasn't and I was getting the chips straight
away, that was a great feeling. But they were lovely.
I'm started to be harbour but warm points, really nice.
But then sometimes I go our place is just nice because it's
really sunny. Is anywhere everywhere Nice
because it's sunny. But warm point.
Nice. Sorry you're.
Talking my prick there eh? Warm forward points.
Lovely, I think all year round. It is nice.
Yeah, it's nice, but they know it.
One point people know what they're.
Up themselves like. Yeah, they're right.
Here we are on the Riviera. I have a weird question I'll
need to fill you on. What did you do your dildo?
It's still there. We did Bake Off last week.
Mickey brought. Oh, that they'll do, yes.
All right, all right, he did he. Fuck.
Mick Ball I. Gave it back to the tropos.
Shouldn't call her a job. It's my mother.
And she's grieving for the loss of her sister.
Isn't it? And.
She want to bury that dildo too, but that's all she left us.
Bury it were who's? Who's the box with us?
Mick brought a dildo, but he bought.
He went and bought it that morning.
Did. You, I can't believe you.
You would do that. Go in and buy.
Tell you what's even worse, I'm clearing it.
Back off my taxes. Bought the business card.
He did. Where did you buy it?
Dildo shop. Your account is like but the
GIMP mask and the oh. Yeah, yeah.
That's not for work. Yeah, he went into a sexual in
Belfast and bought by himself. Did you go in and say what it
was for? No, he didn't ask.
I don't think they're. I think that's that's that's why
I'd be awkward. I go here, I'm doing this even
and they're not interested and it was.
Because you're lying, 99% of people are.
If you go, what's that for? They go.
I'm going to put it up. Yeah, for.
To be inside. Yeah, if I had said I'm going to
put in the middle of a cheesecake for a video, that
would sound weird to him. And it would sound like a lie
he'd. Go.
He'd go outside. You're a perfect.
Yeah, Put the dildo in a cheesecake.
Stick up your whole like a normal person.
See when you walk in, are the dildos there?
Right on the on the right hand the wall dildos.
And are they boxed or are they, do they have some of them like
sticking out? Yeah.
That's either watch, right? OK.
I think you can go into the back.
I mean, get us being the same. I think it's the idea.
But we went into the had it's a couple of years ago, we bought
another dildo and we went into the behind the curtain bit and
they had like the bottom half of a torso.
So just a dirt and bomb and legs in fishnet tights, like bent
over a chair and get us was like we were two grown men the size
of us get us like poke up bomb and I'm like no.
And then I poked it and it's. Was that a product to buy or to
try to dilute? It was just, I think it was just
to go, this is the life like bottom half of a torso.
If you want to take it home. I touched it and went teach, I
think the coke and fucking send it to my house.
I'm just a really bad cook. You see a.
Really good misogynist as well. Clearly never give you massage.
Massage my bum, my feet. Yeah, you would love nothing
more than a massage from Mickey right now as somebody here
physical contact. I tried to give her AI, tried to
give her a hello hog once you get the way the fuck off me,
yeah. Fuck you.
Hello. I have a slight, we'll stick
with him. I have a slight man crush on
him. I reveal.
Because I've got no tell the. Truth.
Maybe that's what it is. So will you allow the old man
crush? Yeah.
Give me a few names. Any like celebrities or actors
or in the past who's been up there?
Up where? Not so lucky?
Well, there's your obvious ones. There's Beckham.
First start. Yeah, absolutely me, obviously.
No. Beckham now.
Yeah, absolutely. Oh, absolutely, Jack Grealish.
Now there's a bum and a doot and legs you would take home.
Joe, I've got a real fucking crush all the minute.
Benson, Boone. He's a can't see.
What he somewhere something off that piano?
He's good to see the backflip of me.
See a backflip? I don't know.
He's me. I.
Don't know what it was, I all of a sudden I was like fucking
stay. No too much farting about.
That oh, I'd really fucking. Barack Obama.
No, I don't say he smells fags. Yeah, he looks like he smells.
He smokes, does he? Yeah.
Really awful heart from goth fags, Michelle was telling me.
Right. Maybe you should give him a
tooth back. Right?
A Barack Obama they. Probably kill Syrians with the.
Take a mages. Perfect.
Umm. She looks like crush on him.
Sometimes some people are attraction is not rational,
right? And this case definitely.
No, what? Do you know what?
I mean like a man with a forehead like Grand Canyon.
That's not him. If if you've got wears in your
trousers for somebody, you can't rationalise it right.
So if it's maybe I just haven't met the right man yet.
Yep, you know. What I mean?
You're saying is I can't see turned you?
No, but maybe he was turned. I turned many.
Maybe it was never. I was never turned.
Maybe it was never for turning. Maybe I'm just one of these
fucking fluid fucking things that's going on now.
Polly, what is it? They call it Demi sexual.
I think that's a word. No Demi Moore.
She is actually G What's the? Movie.
I heard one. Time Press.
Ups GI Jean homosexual. Is 1.
Homosexual. Yeah, that's where you're just
going for somewhere to live. OK Sippers, this episode of Tea
With Me podcast is sponsored by none other than our friends at
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There's yeah, definitely some guys I can look at and
definitely. Appreciate I fancy more fellas
than I do women. The only thing stopping me from
being full blown gay is I'd be worried if I get a bigger Willy
I'd be jealous. If you saw one if.
I if I was the goal with them, but this is going really well.
And then we got home for a first night together and he wept at a
big Dong. Yeah, I'd like him to take out
homie. He started nickname all QT
nicknames and he's calling you index.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I, I look for me it's like
not footballers, but there's some like actors.
I go great looking guy. Jack Nicholson in The Departed
turns me on. No.
Specifically The Departed, no. No, I.
Don't know what it is. Brad Piton wants to put a time
in America. Brad Pit and Troy.
Brad, Pit and Seven. Brad Pit and me.
Never seen it. You will I get my way?
But yeah, I'm just. Curious, I'll move out the road.
Just curious what sex shops and wondering like are the late
because surely you want to touch it before you buy it?
Or do you think you just have one?
You like your nose, you're going and just get a new one every
time, I think. You've got a fair idea before
you go in what you're looking for.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You probably know like how deep
your asshole is. Yeah, let's take.
That's all. The Bee Gees originally actually
on and. When you rise in the morning
bomb, When you rise in the morning bomb got lost there.
Yeah, All these shops are people docking in trying to not be seen
or people just down there. I don't know.
I'd be awkward, but. I went in with the full
confidence that it was for a kick.
I can't imagine if I was going to buy it for the actual.
Yeah, the act of meaning. The act of the act, you may not
be weirded out. I imagine those shops are
probably hardest that was you order that much online these
days, do you know what I mean? See, there was a sex shop and
you're at a stage. Oh, why?
That's what it's called. Oh, it's called.
It was called Nice to be Naughty I.
Don't know why it sniffed. Yeah, I'm.
Sure, it starts out of the rabbit hole.
Nice. And by the way, nice two number
two, all 100. And.
I think it was a cap, a logo. It was on the window.
But they're facing each other. I can't remember.
I can't remember, but the gay that used to work on it, you
said like see, I still see him about your ear.
Whatever on the Main St. On one of the one of the lesser
known streets, right? And it was like after COVID or
whatever, and I was like, well, I was cracked.
Lesbie Ave. I don't know.
I was like, what's happening? There's going, I said you still,
you still in the sex shop. And he's like, no, no, it's
close now, he says. But I still sell poppers from
the house. It's Newry too, so you know it's
laundered poppers. It's red.
Poppers, you have to dip the asshole and check.
HMRC coming up to dip, take it away.
Cops can pull you over. I love that selling.
Poppers your. Selling poppers from the house.
Yeah, it's, it's, yeah, it's having the confidence to walk
into like in Dublin, there's a central you can sit and have a
coffee and there's a sex shop underneath it.
But if you're sitting having a coffee at the window of a trips
at the Olympia Theatre, you just watch all the people walking in
and no one gives a fuck. Like they just like that.
The walk in and vibrate out. All guys too.
See, I was with me and get us another one to buy a dildo for
previous video. That was top report.
There was guys in the you're on court.
No, they were still buying like porn mags and the wee brown
paper bags and I already been like, you know, porns on the
Internet for nothing like and. Maybe the like the tacktail?
They might just be collecting them.
Might be going this is an issue. This is the first issue of Big
Bossy Babes. Yeah, babes, right?
It could be that, yeah. Big Bubblies.
Like March attacks, but for. Perverts take them home and
laminate them. Yeah, but yourself, Yeah.
Yeah. I don't think I could walk in
somewhere to go. I don't think it was for
something like a show or something to be fun.
What if it was a queue? I'd said it.
Oh no. There was 2 tax I said it when I
went down like and it felt like they just stood 3rd and how many
people in the morning? Yeah, yeah.
Any other questions about my little?
Yeah, I don't think so. I don't think so.
But you're Auntie? Yes, I want to check.
Where was she? A nun.
I made that up, man. I know, I know.
It's this sister Fabulosa. Yeah, yeah.
What? Was she called again, Sister
Dearly? Yeah, Where have you been
gigging recently? You're gigging with us on
Sunday. That's correct, which I totally
forgot about. I was in Mandela.
On Nelson, how is he? Yeah, he's all right.
He's OK. K pops a great work.
What the fuck? Are you proud of that?
No. Do you know who Nelson Mandela
is? Nelson from The Simpsons.
That was Michael D Higgins. How's it going down, Nelson
Mandela? Hold on, let me try again.
I want to welcome you all to Dublin, Nelson Mandel.
Yeah, fair. Enough Paul Mcgrassdale.
No, no. All right, class.
That's because these are all young.
I'm not. Yes, it was in Mandela Hall, eh,
with Teresa Sport. Teresa Eh last Saturday night.
Mandel holds brilliant. Class.
I was folly shaping myself like folly because it was like Men in
Black when you're going up because the fucking, you know,
there was like elevators with fucking key cards and all
somebody came down to meet. You, by the way, that's such a
Newry thing to be like. Oh geez, you're.
Left. On my doors, doors up my magic
by no touch it. Get him.
He's boys. Yeah.
No, don't. Please don't.
Get him partner. Yeah, you both always go tell
the other person to get him. No one gets him.
Put manners on that guy. Mandela is brilliant.
Yeah, it was great. Teresa is fantastic.
Did you ever go watch comedy there when it was the old
Mandela? Like you ever go to Queens
Comedy Club back in the day? No, the only thing I ever went
to Mandela for was to see Chic in 2012 and it was fantastic.
How good was the old Mandela Hall with the balcony Queens
Comedy club like back in the day?
It was class the. Lineups were unbelievable.
It was the best club by thinking Belfast.
Yeah, if we could never get on until all those fuckers retired
and. We literally, you literally just
want to watch and it was unbelievable.
So who we're talking about then? I saw Kevin Bridges there.
Yeah, before. Like he was that well known at
all. Tom Steed was always like.
Tom Steed still there. I opened for Tom in February
there. He's he's just, he's I think
he's all my favourite comedians. Yeah.
You put a clip up last week. You start with the guy in the
face, like what do you do, man? And the guy's like I'm saying
he's retired. He could you hear that?
He's retired. Do you like you can see Tom
Sales. He's been like, I was funny as
fucking nobody heard it. But you watch a load of stand up
since you started stand up. Have you watched?
A lot of people watch less once they start.
No, but I think I need to start doing that more, yeah, to sort
of work out a bit of, I don't know, craft or something.
I don't know. But you're not to blow too much
more your whole you are one of the most naturally funny people.
I think you're. I've ever met to understand what
people. Spend so long trying to find
like like their voice or who they are.
Yeah, Yeah, I think, yeah. You spend years trying to like,
do you got it? Yeah, I think a lot of people
spend years trying to fit in the parameters of what a stand up
is. And then once you figure that
out, you go back to being as funny as you were when you
before you started. OK.
So less than nobody, just you keep being you.
I had to follow her one night and then a skillet was the
hardest gig ever done my life. See, I I believe that to be
bollocks. No, it's true.
No, don't be wrong. About a week later I was opening
for you and Yuri and I went fucking hell for that.
Like tech, you bitchy. Do you remember that night?
And it's the funniest thing I've ever seen in 17 years of stand
up right. And I've maybe told it before.
So we were doing a gig and Yuri and a guy came in at Mccoo.
He was like, fuck, fuck. I took him to the formula.
Fuck is here with his wife. Fuck.
Fuck what? The fuck?
You were all you won't let us know what the fuck off?
Fuck no, because I mean. He's going to RIP me out.
Don't let the formal or don't. So she she's up on stage.
I just because obviously you mustn't.
You were worried that he was going to say something.
So you went by the way. I took him to the formal and the
whole crowd cheered. And then he went a much better
at finger now Leah, But then his wife went.
No he's not. It was fucking British.
It was, it was, it was good night, the phrase you took.
Him to the foremost funny, like I can imagine you just going up
to someone in the playground and.
Like we're going. In the playground, yeah.
The fuck sort of mental school did you go to?
I don't know how to playground. Oh, here Mary is Che Guevara.
Taught me through your. Taught me through your.
School mind that was. Fuck, I was like.
In the jungle. I was like, don't turn Gaza
with, yeah. Paul.
Just fucking our our play. I don't, we don't really have
playgrounds. We just had bets of tarmac.
You can kick a football about. Yeah, or go for a smoke.
Is this in like secondary school days?
Yeah. Yeah, well we I had an all
weather pitch and a camogie pitch and fucking tennis court
and load of stuff but come on. None of which they used.
But we played tennis court. Yeah, there's we had a handball
alley. We didn't.
I'm pretty sure. I don't think it really was a
humble. I think what happened was an old
bit of the school fell down and they went as a humble.
Yeah. Have you ever have you ever been
asked to go back to your school? Notice I've gone back a few
times. To do what?
Yeah, recently, No, I've gone back a couple times, like I've
done stand up twice for the school's anniversary and then
yeah. And then I think I went back one
time and give like a talk the lower upper 6th like drama
students where I sense it just went don't do it, get a real
job. Would you go back and say, like
say you were asked, would you give a talk to your old school
to go back? Yeah, I would.
They haven't asked me. Though did you like your school?
Experience. I loved school.
Loved it. I liked it as well.
Loved every second. I liked it after GCSE once I
stopped having to do maths I was like school class.
I left at that point. I didn't do a great deal.
I just knocked about the crack. I think my issue was I was like
one of the youngest in my year. I think if I had just been
allowed to just chill and rejoin the next year, it had been
easier. Like I was like, because there's
people like nearly a year old on in your year and I just, I
struggle academically and I find it hard to believe, but I
couldn't concentrate. So what was your strongest
subject then? English.
I wrote in my English GCSE, I wrote an essay, but I'm a
biology teacher in the school, saving people in like a Baywatch
kind of situation, and I remember laughing as we were
obviously so. Weird, I thought he was.
I wrote a model. Fiesta meal.
Like in the 60s I loved English, I loved anything creative.
But like my size. I remember sending a physics
teacher in like second or third year.
I was like sure I'll not be able to learn any of this but I'll
not cause any disruption. So I was like, she just leave me
alone. Like having I know he was signed
about Mr. Miller. He's like, that's fine.
The absolute confidence of saying that to a teacher.
But I didn't say in front. Everyone was just literally like
I would say, did you? I'm never going to be able to
understand this. Just like just let me like just
let me let me fly. We had good teachers as well who
would who knew you were there because you had to be.
They would just be like. And as long as you're not being
in a disruptive influencer, like work away.
But I at some point I probably should have like asked for help
in school. Big regret on my.
Fucking Debbie Downer. But I never I've never been
asked back. Probably would do something.
You'd never been asked back, no. Christ and because I left in 50
and when I say I hate school, I didn't hate the school I went
to. I just did not like wearing a
uniform being the school. They probably do have that weird
thing of like they can't bring you back unless you've done A
levels. Do you like in terms of school
in? Case your their eyes is get up
I. Could go to tech, Yeah, like,
yeah, tech. I've been brought back to the
university a couple times and I can tell you right now I did not
open a book for three. Like I drank for three years and
tried to curt every girl of my class McGee and they brought me
back three times, I think once as a guest lecture.
We went, we went, we went back a couple of years after you left
to do a gig. You kind of brought us her and
you were like Van Wilder, like telling us all your old stories.
And people were like, there he is.
He was like a mythical figure. George relives it when we went
back for the gigs you did in McGee, Yeah, it had been a full
20 years since I started and I was like, this place hasn't
changed, but my reflection is shocking.
And. I I didn't sleep for two or
three days after. That people are like really
whispering his name and corridors there and stuff.
They're like, he's not real. There's a photo of of like past
nights out in McGee Union on like on the wall and somebody
was like, is that you? And it's a guy that does look a
bit like me and I I'm like I'm not in the photo, but I was out
that night because of the exact same shirt.
Me and the fellow nice shirt leather you got deviant.
Did you go to uni? I went to Queens for six weeks
and then dropped it. What did you go study?
Politics. Well, he did politics, but does
everyone who studies politics go to want to be a politician?
I no, that's like everyone who does geography going to be an
item. I think that's facetious and I
wish it. That's philosopher.
First time I've used that. That's facetious.
That's psoriasis actually, and. But I.
Think about to point it out. Why did you leave?
Because I fucking hated. It you just hate it.
I hated uni, I try to leave uni like 6 different times and my
lecture would be like no but you belong in the arts, maybe all
you do belong in the. Yeah.
You did the 20 grand later like. Belong up the arts.
Hmm, up the arts. Yeah, I did.
Yeah. I, I didn't have the, I didn't
have the grades to do law in Queens.
I kind of went to McGee or Colerain or somewhere, but
didn't want to, didn't want to go, didn't lawyers.
Didn't want to lawyers. No, it is.
I didn't want to go on my own right like it was a big, big
move moving on, Yuri Yeah, to go anywhere.
Yeah, let alone go away from all my all my mates.
So I went to Queens don't fuck all for six weeks and I actually
I'm at a game. Yeah, I wasn't hold.
I met a guy called Paul from Lawton.
He was so concerned but he was a pure 90s throwback and we used
to sit in lectures the few lectures that we went.
To so I was just not the 90s you were in you.
Your region that you had the fucking make there you cock bag.
Fucking cock bag. Yeah, cock.
Bag cock. Bag cock.
Bag. Fucking boys want a stakeout for
cock bag Stakeout stakeout stakeout.
This is my favourite subject. It was the year 2001 we used to
set downloading, downloading porn on a 3310, which was just a
load of excelled Eddie's and this life being like, Oh no,
yeah, that was good. I love it.
Anytime a Sauron goes off and you're doing a gig, anything
you're talking about, you people, you shut that up.
When we were uni ever like porn being such a new thing for us
even that we once googled random words with the word porn after
it just to see what came up you'd.
Probably get a bit everywhere. Yeah, cabinet porn.
Amputee was the one that freaked me.
Out the. Most.
Oh, I said Cabinet. Porn, yeah.
Somebody hasn't quite a closet up.
Yeah, there'd be loads. Somebody like raiding occasional
furniture? No, like politicians over in
England and writing furniture. There'd be more children.
Loads amputee stuff. Loads amputee stuff.
Well, you haven't heard they're all out.
I when I first went to uni as well, my mom, everyone she
dropped me off and she was like sad that I'd flown the nest and
I told this story about like she dropped me off to uni and we
were like straight away we're all like we're going to carry
out. I've got a bed and run a bed
worse class and my mom. In a bed home.
No, but it was. It wasn't my bed.
You know, you slept your mom's bed.
Yeah. Cock bag.
Yeah, my mommy. Got it.
No, but this is worse. But I can remember it's just a
smaller dildo dildo the milk native.
But my I remember my mom like being all right, son.
And I was like, bye, like slam the door in her face.
And years later I told that story like a family party and my
mom went I was devastated. When you went to university.
I was she was suddenly slept in your bed for two weeks and I was
like, EW, I was like, get this one with that doctor.
I thought that was the menopause.
She was just raging with the dry commoner.
She was every two weeks because she couldn't get out of it.
Yeah, just stopped it. You know those things in Spain
you just get where you throw them at the wall and then the
stick and then come down really slowly.
Probably took her two weeks. Did you just roll out of it like
yeah. Oh God.
Are we like? Jesus, your bedroom at that
time. My bedroom now is not great but
like at 1718 fucking hell. When do we pavil?
That's not the same. Fuck.
Looking at Pebble, at your own cat, so you say.
Wow. I don't come anymore, I go.
Yeah, Uni would have been great so that I do those unique gigs
now. I should have should have tried
harder and I could have done that did.
You go to uni. I got accepted in the Colerain,
went up the like the open day thing, saw where I was going to
be living and all that kind of thing, and then I swear to God.
Call me and halls are like fucking prisons.
Oh, just. Forgot to go.
You forgot to go. I mean, I literally like didn't
do anything about it. I didn't.
Also, you know something? I was so like maybe and we'll
see, and it felt this sort of filled out and I just never went
and I must be regretted. But you'd also be up there with
like, I don't mean to, I don't mean to be that this kind of
person, but there's someone on people on North Coast.
Have you ever noticed that don't have facial expressions?
It's a weather to win, no? But no matter what you're
talking about, that's why that's bad out there.
Yeah, just so you. Tell the one a million price
get. Yeah.
Oh, class world by Ferrari now over the moon.
Yeah yeah, I saw you didn't stand up there the other week.
Boy, you're quite funny. I laughed.
I'm. Not just Mark McCartney.
No, McCartney is different, but they're just this just, I don't
know if it's just me, just feels like Protestant robots talking
to the whole time. Yeah, no, I regret not.
Going there, he's going down and getting ice cream down the pier.
Great. Going to lap the port.
Great times. Oh, just happy new year.
Yeah, I. Regret would have been great.
It's do I personally I genuinely think uni like when we were
going was class because it was cheaper.
No, I can't imagine not being much fun.
Like if you're leaving you with four year old grand worth of
debt, even we saw you're not going to be able to get fucking
statement. You'd have to take it seriously.
One observation we had about in those unions and just observing
people is no like they seemed like, I know they are young
adults, but the same way more mature than we would have been.
And like even just the way people were dressed and carrying
themselves were all very like don't know whether it's
self-conscious but they all seem very well put together.
No one looked like silly or no one looked like they were
having. Like, but you think there's an
element that as well of it's a because we were doing stand up.
Like if you went and saw stand up body a teen, you'd be
shitting yourself the entire time in case somebody talked to
you. Yeah.
And anytime somebody did get spoken to, it was like, oh, fuck
you all right, like. Yeah, yeah.
I'll never get over like in the Derry one being like, oh, you
look like Harry Potter on steroids because the guy was
muscling, had round glasses and 200 students looked at him and
then looked at me like, no, he doesn't.
Yeah, oh, they were. They were worried.
They're worried about how he would feel about what you'd
said. Yeah, no, it also, I also think
that I just went, oh, I don't have any references that relate
to any of these people are Yeah, like I just realised.
Yeah, I just realised I'm 20 years older than what I thought
it was. Yeah.
But then there's so much there's I just felt looking at them like
these people are under so much pressure and everything they do,
whereas back and maybe every generation thinks up back when
we brought that kind of unit. Think any youngsters left, if
they're under pressure, they're having the time.
They're fucking lives. I would appear doesn't be
deceiving. They're all doing left for the,
for the ground, for the. Ground, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Because we didn't have social
media. What a fucking happy time look.
Yeah. Just a 3310.
When a week. Packs later daddy's.
On a week for a tip, Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Probably even download the second one once you see the
first one. You've cost you.
You had to go on top your phone up again.
Yeah, that's why we all come too soon.
All premature. I remember dot used to download
porn. You're.
Looking at me. I just assume partner.
I used to. Download porn on limewire.
But you never knew what you were getting really till you got it.
You couldn't be sure like sometimes you'd wait like.
Fuck me as a Maroon 5 album. You would wait five days and
then it'd be Soldier Boy crank that you're like, are you mother
you want? Crank it down 5 days.
So funny you mentioned that Maroon 5 thing.
I don't know if I've told you since subconsciously you
remember it. My last day at GCSE study leave,
a guy called Chris in my class went here.
Do you want porn and DVD? And I was like, let me think
about it. Yes.
And he goes, I'll give you it burnt copies for the boys like
and he goes but here for the raft just in case.
Yeah, he was it was a weird side hustle here, but he goes, but
here, just watch this. And he got a piece of paper and
he folded it around the desk and he wrote on the front of it just
so no one will be suspicious. Maroon 5 CD album he rolled on
and he's like just in case anyone catches you out you can
say it's Maroon 5 and it wasn't Maroon 5I.
Remember, somebody landed me a porn one time was in school and
it was Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee.
Like there were the whole movie, The whole movie thing, and that
was the first time I'd ever seen an erect penis and it put me in
and it's in your own, but I mean someone else's erect Venus,
surely it's homily was hung like a fucking donkey.
Statistically, I was just like, well, that's my life over.
There's no point hearing beat. Sharon, mom and dad every night.
You must have seen one some. Point now she couldn't get hard
of me in the bed plus some miles rotten.
This is moving. This is moving way too fast for
me. Here's the thing, he pushed me
to the edge of the double down right?
I can't lose. You double down your poor
mother. That's probably.
I've never seen the palm. I'm losing my owner for him.
Daddy. Wow, I've never seen that.
Pamela Anderson. Have I?
It's not great like. The only sex tape I ever seen to
Lisa. Yeah, that's another big weapon.
Never seen it. Yeah, she was just.
Spitting on the deck. Right, pull her daddy at one
point though, did she? Yeah, if you stick with the long
enough. I think, yeah.
She Fast forward path the ABS. There's just a lot of you know,
whatever, you know whatever you're broken or you're about to
book and you're like, you're waiting on and then you're like.
Right. That's what it was like, right?
Like, is this sex? I don't understand?
Yeah. The Kim Kardashian will never
seen radio. I was really like the add on.
I've got nothing, Yeah. Not not naive.
Never again. The funny thing to do?
Wasn't very sexy put that way. No, didn't make me want to do
it. Downloading it, you always had
to delete it straight after seeing you go through the
download thing all the time because I couldn't hide it on
the home computer. Would not the skills?
I think that was on Twitter actually.
I'm talking about. That's not the last.
I'm done with the first download days because you could pick a
chance on the Freeview, but yeah, the time it right because
then sometimes it will cut to something else you weren't.
Interested. I did once get the like locked
out in the Freeview cap goal, like for an extra couple of
minutes, right? And I remember being like, I'm
going to have to just empty myself here because this is
never gonna happen again. Ruined that Wick.
But then we had, we had chip cable, Tel, so constantly,
always on channel 6061. Remember doing that thing like
said with me, it says we had sky and being like going on to the
way to the man. I went to bed and go just look
at daddy's. Yeah, sometimes you.
Euro trash made it. Euro trash sometimes you
couldn't wait for midnight and you just you just settle a man
of motors like you're like I'll get some near you knew it wasn't
going to be as good as you were getting a porn channels, but
you're getting like a tractor and a tit there.
I remember the remember the Friday night Was it Friday?
I was Friday that have those weird sort of softcore things in
Channel 5. Yes.
Oh yeah. Yeah, I.
Remember there was one that we talked about, me and my mate
talked about for years after and I bumped into him about five
years ago in a pub and we started talking.
About it again, just like like an erotic.
It was an erotic, but the plot was genuinely pretty decent.
Yeah, it was about this family that like the IT was a dad, a
step moment, two kids who were like early 20s and the family
was all falling out and this woman just randomly turned up to
the house was like, I'm here to. It was like Mary Poppins put sex
and then at the end of the movie, the family but but yeah,
but yeah. But Mary Poppins should box all
of them, right? The stepmom, the two kids
fucking ride them all at the end of the movie.
They're all like. Take a load of dildos out of her
carpet bag. Giving them a spoonful of sugar.
Mason down. I wish I'd seen Mary Poppins.
You never see Mary Poppins. There's no.
Problems. I'll watch Germany, Jim Jiminy.
I'll watch this movie, look and then I'll watch Mary Poppins,
Danny gives Danny. Do see Mary Poppins to enjoy
this. Movie, probably.
Yeah, right. I think you need to see Mary
Poppins enjoy anything. That's what I call the bill,
though. I love those softcore movies,
they were great, but then you couldn't time it.
You couldn't trust the time and all.
You could once you heard like. Snake comes out of a basket.
In many ways, yes. I didn't know about pubic
shaving back then, but. There were shite though, because
it was just, you know, it was just like there was no actual.
It was, I saw a bit of silent with this word for for men our
age, it was like we were classed from the neck to the belly
button. We knew what to do with the
woman. But the first time you were
confronted with the vagina, yeah, you're just like.
You're like why is the camera not panning up?
This needs all get blurry and music.
Yeah, you just that nice. Yeah.
Usually have the head mute get your mouth in.
The room. Oh, no, I know what to do, Yeah.
Oh fuck. I hope you hear that and you're
fucking. I hope you get.
Her on I'm going to be doing it all that in the car we own.
Just like it's Lisa. It's a lazy hawk too.
She's. Bad she's.
Still put scanned everybody. Did she?
Actually scam everybody. Apparently so.
So not a legal beef that I want
with the Hawk 2 girl, but yeah. It's weird how that they've
become such a big. Cultural phenomenon.
Yeah, because it was like filthy and cute at the same time.
But that stuff is mine. It was the very like, yeah, I'm
saying I was the Indian, yeah. Like I don't.
Know you don't really hawk to we need.
You're going to become the Hawk 2 boy.
I've been trying for years. I don't know whether I don't
know whether that was set up or not, but the idea you don't see
it as much, maybe not, but like last year certainly was of like,
people like young kids getting interviewed and like beer
gardens when they're clearly drunk for tech talk, you know,
people coming up with some most embarrassed thing you've ever
done. I'm glad that was not around.
Some of those people have ruined their own fucking.
One guy used to sniff his mouth knickers or something.
That was Jesus. Yeah, used to sniff me.
Mom's knickers never wank. And they're not a married
problem. It never went No, it was I'm A
Celebrity. I yeah, that that terrified the
idea that that would have been around.
We were younger was not but but, but I don't blame the people
talking. It's the idea that you're going
up in a beer garden filming people and it and I dream
because of course they're not going to be in control of what
they're saying. But yes, some of it is not.
How many of those people do you think just get battered?
Like the guys turn up the microphone?
I meant how many of them just could jump in a pub, you think?
No, I think people know concept of the answers are given.
Yeah. And then it goes in line.
You're probably getting like you're like, what about 87 more?
It's very ethical. No, I don't.
I don't like that at all. Like it's because the people are
drunk and they're young as well and their mates are golden them
on like that, that that could ruin someone's life.
It's also, yeah, it's also that thing that a lot of people do
just to get fucking likes and stuff on text because that's a
currency for younger people. It's just likes and hits.
Yes. So they'll, they'll, they'll
burn anybody to the ground. Just a fucking 100%.
Yeah, I'm with you. Thanks, Brutal.
I'm we need to see, we need to take the mic from Duane.
Just live my just left just love each other hey?
No phone like me. I told you earlier, I don't
bring the phone to the bath. It's limited.
Don't. Bring your phone fucking
anywhere. I mastered him yesterday.
Being a week, it's still OK for tomorrow.
Nothing. Crickets.
Football. No footballer.
Fucking 18. Hours.
Yeah. And then you were like, I'm on
my way. Hopefully we still are on.
I was like. Yeah, well, do you know what I
mean? Yeah.
See how it got here and you've. What would you have done?
Obviously nothing, I just want
to turn around. Just fumed the whole way home as
a bottom part. Listen to Fucking the Prodigy.
I felt bad. You ever get that one Like so
messaging you're like, are you close?
And you're like. Like, I don't know, you don't
have 5 minutes. If anything you want to plug.
And Promote My tour will be on sale soon.
Again, I haven't got it on sale yet.
Where will you be going? Starting on our mass will be in
our marketplace on 20 and then it's not that big a tour this
year. It's not as big as last year,
but I'm there'll be days I'm going to be in Dublin, I'm going
to be in hopefully in Liverpool, I'm looking into London and then
we're going to end it with the big one in Belfast.
So we're starting culture and the big smoke.
Yeah, we're in Belfour. Give us a clue.
The venue buffers. That's in front of the water.
Ulster Home. No, Mandela, I've been there.
All right, look at left. Yeah, so we're here.
It will be a great night. Umm Michael D Higgins wants it
to be a good night. Yeah, he does.
He want there to be a good night.
I encourage the people of Ireland to go.
Stop. Umm, stop.
What games have you got coming up?
Eh, I haven't got a clue. Actually, I don't know.
I had a lot of stuff on there in March and it's a bit quieter
now. See, because you're so good at
stand up, I don't know, you don't like on moments, but
everyone really likes you. The second you like you're like
I don't have any gigs coming up or you're going to get so many
people be comedians being cross you and being like don't stop
this. Do you know?
What I mean, Mccarney asked me to open from some of his states,
right? Cheese toasting.
Fucking I regret. I'm not those.
I'm lactose intolerant or I would.
Are you going to do those? Are you going to do those?
What I'm saying is it's some we know comedians who I can give
you one example of a good friend of ours who just isn't really
gigging at the minute and you fuck it.
It winds me up. So you need to just constantly
do shows. I'm running off.
Me. Masters artefacts you know
anybody to open for you in or. Not get the toasting machine on
yeah, so doing that and I'm thinking of doing my own Well,
I'm not even thinking about it. I am I'm going to do my own wee
tiny like baby fucking Let's let's try it tour.
Yes, good. Fucking right.
So big dailies. Brilliant class.
And then one in Newry as well. So it's around November time.
So I'm trying to, I'm trying to work out where to go next.
So what I mean yeah, only only if he opens for me and does an
entire time as Nelson Mandela slash.
Yeah, My thoughts, a bit of a character.
That's Chris Eubank. Yeah.
I think you're thinking of Chris Eubank.
Stupendous. Stupendous.
A stupendous confection. That's the one.
Chris Eubank. That's him, that is.
Chris Eubank I am 1212 photos celebrity.
Spitting celebrity spitting. What the new?
Do Rocky. Do did you smoke something
before I come down here? I laced them in crack.
Yeah. Can we have Elvis?
How to give me anyone? Did you blood me?
Who to? Fucking hell.
Cheers. I got the gift tea with me SSC
Arena, 23rd of May. Still some tickets left for
that. But we've we've we're not extend
the past what it's going to be anything else done
patreonpatreon.com/TV podcast for all the extra bits.
The big off that we're talking about in the bonus episode this
week. We'll go exclusively on Patreon
when we get through the 20 hours of footage.
At least 20 hours of. Footage Roughly 20 hours of
footage. 20 hours of footage. Legally, how much of that would
have to just be scrubbed, do you think?
19 hours? Yeah.
Sweet Mickey's Dillu Cheesecake. Was delicious.
What else was in the cheesecake apart from a Dillu?
Balls. The balls were on the Dillu too,
yeah. Yeah, OK, it.
Was it? Was it?
Was like Raspberry my chocolate or?
Something I was a stupendous confection.
Stupendous, yeah. It was really very beautiful.
Yeah, it was Mickey's chocolate orange.
It sounds like a fucking fight over from your trash.
Look at these big titties here. What are you watching?
So don't on TG car. Valley Kiss Angel.
August and Gooch. Crack out this crack.