Zippers, welcome to this episode of the Tea With Me podcast.
With me, she and Todd. I'm so keen to get into this
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thatisinthedescriptionshit.comedy.com. You want to come see my America
show should be on sale by now I think.
I hope they are. My guest this week is none other
than one of the sharpest comedians in Ireland.
This guy has been killing it for a long, long time and he
continues to go from strength to strength.
One of the sharpest writers. You might have seen him on the
Blame Game. You've seen him do stand up.
You've seen him on panel shows, quiz shows, which we're going to
talk about. He just killed him on the chase.
But he's just a fantastic stand up and a dream podcast guest
because we could have done five hours in this episode.
Please enjoy this episode of the Tea With Me podcast with my
guest. And I've only had him on Zoom
before, so now it's the Flash version of Neil Delamere.
Neil, your car is outside. You're allowed an hour of park
and we're going to record for but not.
Yeah, yeah. Is there a better feeling than
when you go back to your car and there's no tech?
Yeah. Oh man, You just feel like
you've gotten your life back. One over on the man.
I'm not particularly rebellious person and I don't know who the
man is, but I've got one over on him.
You have a fair. It's essentially free money,
isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I did it this morning. I was on Q radio this morning
with our friend Andrew Ryan and left the corner loading Bay
straight back and I knew, I knew they haven't got me.
But it makes you, it gives you a false confidence that you could,
you could go too far with that. You know, you could be like,
I've never tried heroin, but I think I'd be alright.
What a jump that is from code slightly over in a loading bed
to, you know, this gag. I mean, Skag is next for me.
Surely there's some steps you've just blown.
Gateway drug, basically you've just legalised cannabis.
That's what you've done there. It's because everybody always
goes. Cannabis is the gateway drug to
Skype. Chris is actually.
But it's loading base. It's loading.
It's slightly over here. I was going to train spotting 4
needs to be lads like opening scene is a it's a lad just
strung out all together and then the back story is then just
gone. I'll be fine.
Yeah, we're like a Chinko Cento. Member Chinko, CentOS.
I do remember, yeah, of course. I remember a Volkswagen Polo,
which is a tiny car, but that says.
Yeah, where? Where my dad lived, where I grew
up, and when you drove in, there was always a polo and it was
like a dark green. And the guy who must have
cleaned it like every week, it was spotless.
And I remember thinking if I could have that car at some
point in my life I don't have. And I think some point I'll get
it. I.
Sometimes I think that about things in my childhood and I go
everything will be alright if I get buy something from my child.
That's why I buy all football tops.
I go because it's nostalgic and I go that's something I wanted
as a child and that will solve anything.
And has worries. And has that Volkswagen Polo
solves the massive black hole in your heart?
Well, haven't bought it yet, so I think, oh, OK, it will.
I think. You think everything, Yeah, like
the Crohn's disease I have is irreversible?
Not if I buy that polo, it's not.
I'd imagine that. It'll be fine that.
Polo at this stage with a gearbox is irreversible.
So cheap, it'll be so cheap neither.
Yeah, it would. I am.
My dad is a tiny car. There's a lot to be said for a
tiny car. And my dad's an older man.
So you get to a point where and they older people, in my
experience, go, I don't need a big car anymore.
I want a smaller car. Yeah.
And it makes complete sense for him.
And I got, I've got a lovely insert.
I'd forgotten what getting your car service is like outside of a
city. So when I go into Dublin, I go,
can I have a car while you're servicing my car?
Because I might have to go somewhere.
I'm on tour, whatever. And they go and it's all some
guy going, yeah, give us your insurance details, give us your
cover, give us all that sort of stuff.
You know, we're going to have to ring your insurance company.
We're going to switch it over for the day, gives you credit
card details. I got my dad's car service and
awfully where I'm from, right? And I walked in and I said, can
I have a car while you're servicing my dad's car?
And the man didn't look at me. He didn't ask me my name and he
didn't ask me for a driver's licence.
He reached behind. He was doing a crossword.
He reached behind them. He grabbed the random set of
keys from a hook, hoofed him at me and said see what they start
and not to just press, but it could have been it could have
been a transit, it could have been a disability scooter a.
Corvette. A Corvette.
I don't know if you've been to tell them more, but it wasn't
going to be a Corvette, but imagine if you drop it could
have been someone else's car that had been dropped in for a
service. I think this is a this is a
South of the border laid back style which I experienced when I
went. I did the Cork tour show
recently but yeah, put in them something.
I need a city centre car park. Go in the one and it and it's
just off the river. Yeah.
You give them your key and the guy just puts it on a hook.
And then when you go back you get yeah.
And I said, I said, if you don't mind me asking, I was like, why
do you need my keys? He goes, I'll have to move it at
some point. So they they, they will just put
it in a different place. This won't happen.
Like, we won't give it up here. No.
Like on the side of the. You think that's just for that?
You stolen so many cars from people from Belfast.
Somewhat it's like an older model they gave me back, so I
don't know. Imagine if you give you back to
Volkswagen Polo from your youth. I would love that.
Imagine if when you drive in the scan, not just your car but your
memories. It's just an AI imaging.
Have you ever bought anything from what you wanted when you
were growing up? For me it's football tops.
Is it so? What football do you have?
Like you. So you're too young for 1982?
Sort of, yeah. 1986 too young for.
That I was born idiot, right? So it's all mid 90s, early mid
90s. I'm thinking Northern Ireland
Subs OK, so mid OK, So what the United.
Tops anything like I have a like the collect, I have a ridiculous
collection. I have a 1980 and this is across
the divide. I have a 1982 replica, yes, won
two eh of the awfully jersey that we last won the eh all
Ireland in. So I mean, that's just retro
stuff is just kind of cool. Doesn't.
Yeah, it's a beautiful jersey. I didn't know how much you were
into the GA until we did Kilkenny Festival.
Yeah. It was the big gala show.
Yeah. And you just, like, ran from a
game. Yeah.
So. You should have been a rapping
shirt. I didn't know if you were
playing it like this. Why, thank you.
I'm clearly in great Nick. OK, let me explain this.
So when you start off doing comedy, you go, I want to do
this cake and that giggle, that cake.
And John Cleary, who people will know has a brilliant observation
and that it starts off well, do that cake.
If I do 10 minutes there, then maybe they'll give me 10 minutes
and then I can do 50 minutes. And after a while doing it, John
goes, if I go on early, I could be back in the car for yeah, the
shop opens until midnight and I could be listening to 1980s
classics on his drive home. It's like, so there's an element
of you, you put company in its place.
So, umm, I'm, I'm, I'm not that into GA, but I feel I don't rage
level start doing well. And they don't do that well that
often because it's a small county.
Umm. And so when we did Kay Kennedy
together, so 10 years ago, 15 years ago, I've gone give me all
the gigs. They gave me four or five gigs,
and I'm like, can I do them all on Monday?
And they said yes. And I said OK.
And then I rang them because we got to the final, which was in
Kilkenny. Yeah.
So I did the first one in Langton's and did 10 minutes in
Langton's and then ran across the road, took off my top and
put on an awfully jersey. So I'd like to.
Very Irish Superman, yeah. Like the worst, we're a phone
box for Christ's sake and and put on an awfully judge and went
in and watched the the young lads, the the under 20s with the
all Ireland and then ran and did four more gigs.
Physically run. Physically run, yeah, because.
The gig we did was in the middle of nowhere, like it was right
out of the time. In a Mart, Yeah, it's actually a
Mars, Yeah, and normally you can smell.
Yeah, yeah. No, it was genuinely in a
cattle. Yeah, yeah, which is kind of
bizarre, but yeah. And it's a couple of like those
gigs can run over and not normally.
Sometimes you're like, come on, come on, come on.
I'm not shit. Was just one of the other.
Knock yourself out. You want to do 25 minutes?
Look at this. Do you know what, Neil?
Your man after my own heart because I also I can't drink
instant coffee. Can you know?
It needs to be a we. Thank you, Tony.
Thank you very much, Tony. It needs to be like a proper me.
It really coffee. Yeah, because I'm not a big
coffee guy, but I need like I would have to have an American
from a machine. Yeah.
You know, as opposed to like a person.
I don't drink people coffees. I don't think people coffees I
like. I like it like AI type coffee.
Really, you don't want any sort of human interaction.
No, no, no, no, no. This is selecting you're in,
yeah. Sippers, let me take a quick 2nd
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The link is in the description. Back to the episode, this is the
eh, the second time you've been on the plug you did is we did a
Zoom pod and so it's all hard to keep track of what you did
during that time and what you were and.
Yeah, it's really, really weird. I mean, when we talked first, I
just put my first SSE ever on, and mainly because a lot of you
guys are donor and it seemed like.
But I did because, umm, I was covered.
Yeah. Wherever he's going.
A bit mad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I want, I want something to look forward to.
Yeah. It's the same reason I did.
I did fit families. Ireland's fits families, right?
Celebrity fits families. Yeah.
And umm, I did it because I'd never normally do it.
I said I'd have to train for that.
Yeah. So I don't know if I told you
the story. No, no, no.
So. Would you say did you have a
like were you someone who up at that point?
We did you run? A bit of training, yeah, a bit
of stuff, yeah, but nothing kind of major.
So, so basically this show is normally you have a kind of a
nuclear family and it's, you know, mum and dad used to have
to be within the family. And then the kind of celeb
version is very loosely termined.
And you can you can have anybody right, that you're related to.
So you go on and you do kind of an assault courses for charity,
whatever and them. So my secret weapon was going to
be a Claire hurler. So he's my cousin, but he's
senior hurler for Claire. So you're talking kind of nearly
professional levels of athleticism, like an absolute
beast. The joke I was said to him is,
is resting heartbeat is 24 beats a day.
So like on the hour, every hour, you can't tell if it's a
heartbeat or Netflix is just doing on television, right?
So he's a beast. Like you have to get a diesel
Fitbit. So we messed with him and he saw
a week before it happens. He rings me because I can't do
it. I'm after smashing my knee up.
You're on club hurling training. So with the week's notice, we've
got my other cousin Rosie. Now Rosie is related to me, eh?
Tall blonde freckle girl from Tipperary Rosie's.
Related Christie Mercer. There's a beast at a sponsor
hill Tall Tipperary took my heart away getting a Ford
Cortina drives a fail in Tipperary.
Very popular song You're a Christie were aficionado a lot
of. People know those those.
Minor hits yeah you know when he when he gets really grumpy and
only plays those ones. And so with a week's notice like
she's with six two. She played semi pro basketball
in Australia. But Rosie's my cousin in much
the same way that Barack Obama is from county.
Awfully. I mean if you can connect us
genetically. Well done.
Yeah yeah, yeah. So we go in the RTA show and I
was I was hyped up and the first thing to do is say to you is is
please introduce the team. And I went, I'm here.
This is my brother-in-law James. This is my niece Emily and I
looked for you forgot her name. I could not remember her name.
And I was like, Christ. And she knew.
And then she also knew that she'd have to go with whatever
name I gave her for and I I was like Latoya Shaniqua.
I've been watching these videos, like four of these.
All different ethnicities. She's name and I was like, oh
God, what am I going to do? So umm, yeah, it was my
crackdown and we went up against those two guys.
You know those two happy pair fellas.
Yeah, yeah. So they were in the fight.
They're always in the water. What?
They're always in the water. They're always up, yeah.
And I just look at a. Whole dip and stuff, yeah.
Yeah, you're like, you just don't want to get up against
those guys. But they don't have that meat
strength. No, they don't.
They're. Vegans.
Proteins and none of that. Sirloin strength, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. The Angel just injected meat
trend. So they were, they were.
You want to see them, so the first thing.
I'd say they're nippy. They are very nippy and they're
off doing fucking hand stands in the corner and all that site.
Should they get up at 6:00 in the morning, have a wank in the
sea? That's like, you know what I
mean? You can't, you can't compete
with those lads. So they were like you want to
see them first thing we have to go through the bog, the way to
the bog and these lads are just like, it's just like you're home
with Steven. It's like, it's like granola and
they just flew through it because I'm from the Midlands.
I'm trying to harvest the bog and turn it into forgets and set
up a small power station. It's it's, it's more I'm like,
don't you like the sunrise to get your sunrise be.
Awful. The wank in the sea.
What do you mean it would be? So.
You're from surely? Surely.
Never wanked in the sea as well as I'm.
I'm circumcised. You can't.
You can't just as and when. Can you not?
So you leave, so you won't? You don't mind that loading me
at any point but you? I never said I wanked in the
loading, no. No, I was going towards a load
joke. Well fine, you interrupt, it's
fine. So.
So you've never you've never looked at a ferry and cracked
one, looked at piano. I just kind of, I wish I was
there. Go to the match.
No. So you did.
Like go back to this night so. Did they start and the happy
Paraguay start? And sounds like a fight, by the
way, just. And they did they go first?
Did they go first? Yeah, I think so.
They were very good. So we were just like, just don't
go out first. There's four teams, just don't
go for OK, and so stem it was umm, as somebody went oh, a
model, eh, eh, growing your gallon.
I was in Miss Ireland and I was like, Oh God, Oh, you know what
does she might please make it be like walk it.
I didn't I didn't tell me the name to say the model.
I was like, please, that'd be like walk in baths that you
models. Yeah, stair lifts or something
like that. One of those older lady models.
I was like hoping for because otherwise models can be really
fit, you know, and her family were really fit and then she
made Quinn and the comedian and her family as well.
So it was great bit of crack have to.
Say, how did you get on personally?
Eh, I got hung a good but think about a bog because I don't know
this training and weighted restaurant on us.
Bog is down to how tall you are actually right.
So Rosie was great because because a bug.
Because if you're tall, you're right of it.
Yeah, what a bog might be to you if you're 62, might be to your
knee, yeah. But if it's.
If you're done weight or don't you need to die doing Yeah, I
need to. I need to be the films you see
in the last 10 years. It's like, you know, AB Avatar,
you know, he's actually scanned in.
He died or 10/10/12 years ago. He's in a bargain whistle.
It's bizarre, yeah, but it's weird because they don't train
for that. Did you continue treat like that
level? Not that level maybe, but you
know, that's something like you probably do the training for
that. Yeah, intense.
And you say to yourself like. Well, I've been just fit for.
I'll keep. I'll keep doing this.
Yeah, I did a bit now I kind of did bits and pieces and stuff.
Eh, there's nothing like the prospects of getting embarrassed
on national television. Yeah.
Really make you train. Yeah.
But at one point we have to get over a log in in the middle of
the bog and I get up onto the log and then, eh, you're like, I
just felt. I just.
Rosie just grabs me that because she's both stand behind me and
she has no patience because she proper sportsperson grabs me and
who's me? I don't know if you've ever
gotten a wedgie on national television, but what you don't
expect to feel is relief, which is like thanks a million for
that. Like proper full arm.
Yeah, hoofs over log. So she was absolutely brilliant.
But how fit would you have to be to somebody says 6 days notice.
You want to go on national television to do fitness
challenge. You must be fairly.
You must have that national athletes confidence in your own
ability. Team, I'm the sort of guy who
watches Ninja Warrior and goes. You haven't even had a wanker to
see. I'm not.
Like Beard How? Do some people not even, you
know, the people, the guys who fall off into the water early?
I'm like these guys, but I know for a fact I wouldn't get past
that first. But.
Yeah, where they're running down and yeah.
And can you hold your own weight and, and all this stuff with
your wrists and. I think I'd be what do you what
have you heard about to be fair? To be fair, right now, maybe.
Working in the sea could be part.
Of your. Programme.
My wrist. Yeah, of Jesus Christ, I have a.
Permanently desiccated wrist. I broke my wrist falling off a
bike and that bone is just stayed out.
There's nothing they can do. I'm so I'm from the Midlands,
which is flat. Yeah.
If you were in our if you were an awfully, that would be the
highest point. An awfully your broken wrist.
Keep a wrist like a tobler on what's going on.
I know How'd you break it. I fell off my bike when I was
too old to be like falling off a bike.
And I mean a bicycle. And did you get treated in the
19th century? There was not like they
genuinely put a cast on and then and then after a month or
whatever, they took the cast off and I went, what next?
And they went. You just have that, no?
That's you don't. Yeah.
And then I just get it. Look, Bill's cargo, my knuckle.
Just get a knuckle. A lot of my bones are just
popping out, like, yeah. Every bone of my body cracks.
Sounds like an open fire. Yeah, it does.
I used, I used to have a joke that it's a he get up in the
morning, sounds like an open fire.
So like you get up and there's a cracking and hissing and then a
log falls. You just get to a certain point.
We're just now I remember seeing, you know your man, and
there's a guy in the front of the guy, Jamie Lannister from
Gamers. Yeah.
Oh yeah. Handsome dude?
Yes, I met a dude. Did you?
And, well, Danish course, isn't he it?
Was really nice. I met him, we're filming some
for BBC and he was walking past when they were just all living
in Belfast and I asked him for a selfie and he was very, very
pleasant. So we always pay our debts.
Yeah. I remember seeing him in the
front of some magazine and he was saying, like, once you get
to, I think he said 35, maybe he said 40, because all I do is
mobility work. And I was like, oh, fair enough.
And then you get to that age and you go, oh, I can understand
that. Functional.
I know what I should do. I when I go to the gym, I just
start working out, right? But I see the guy stretching for
20 minutes and go. I should do that, yeah, but I
just can't bring myself to do. I made a mistake the first time
I ever went to sit for proper kind of commercial gym.
This guy's like, what do you want to do?
And I said, well, he's happy. Paraguay.
Yeah. He's quite intimidating.
And he goes, what sort of stuff do you do?
And I was like, I did do lots of stuff and you guys watch out for
your breakfast. I was like eggs, you know, when
they go through all your like, is it well?
Macros. Yeah, macro.
But what sort of eggs is it like?
Yeah, like poached eggs, because the protein can degrade and all.
You're like the wee Harry Bones. Yeah, Kinder, Kinder Buenos.
I made the toy, though. And then he goes, what would you
like to do? And I said, this is about 10
years ago. I'd love to do chin UPS.
Yeah, I love to bang out some chin UPS, you know.
And he goes, OK, we can start now.
And he, we went out and he put, you know, those resistance
bands. Yes.
Right. Not like the wolf tones, but
like a prep like that's. I thought he was just going to
have three guys out in their 80s just is this going to help me do
the chin up? It's just going to become you
black and turns that power on is really affecting my rhythm,
trying to get my chin over a bar.
Followed up, the wolf tones do look like strong old school.
Gym guys, they, they have no stretching.
They have meets. They have made strength Yeah,
they have they have spat in their hands in a disused garage
yeah and lifted a chink or gentle off the ground yeah, but
no, a proper was just like a green resistance band and he put
me in this thing yeah and like it's so really there's a guy
beside me doing waited chin UPS Yeah.
With stuff attached to him and you're.
And the gym had. I'll never forget this had a
crash right. And at the height, so you're
you're wrapped, he wraps around you like and you're sitting in
the sort of thing or your knees in it and it helps you and
you're up like this. And I looked across and I could
see into the I could see into the gym crash.
And there was a child attached to one of those bouncer things.
Yeah. Attached to a doorframe.
The two of us are essentially in the same get up.
Yeah. And he's just laughing at me.
God, you know, it was my choice. Yeah.
Just like that. So the fact.
That the man put you in it as well.
Yeah. It's like, help you in.
Yeah, yeah. Because you don't.
That's vulnerable. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's kind of it's nice to not be able to do something and
then eventually be able to do something.
Chin up, chin UPS, you lose. So fast, Oh my God.
Yeah, like you get into the rhythm of it, you bang them out,
you stop for a month, Yeah, you've got to go from square 1
again. Oh, you're tired or like that?
I'd like to learn how to do a muscle up.
A muscle up me and Tony during. Was it during COVID?
No, just before we just went to the gym to do muscles like that
was our sole focus was to just do muscle.
And does your wrist allow each? Weirdly, it'll that's what
allows me to do it helps the rest.
Like something happened. It's like a superpower.
I need to, I need to fuck. I need a.
Shite superpower. I fall off a bike every day
trying. To do this.
What a terrible Avengers Assemble.
Just, you know, the way everybody goes to go with the
bow and arrows. Muck.
Yeah, I'd like to point of order.
I'd like to join please. Desiccated resma.
No, it doesn't look good. How can you do?
Did you get to muscle UPS? Yeah, we got we, we, we're not
going to muscle UPS yet. Really.
Yeah. How many could you do?
I'm just very impressed by that too.
Yeah, and a one on pull up was a big focus.
For a while now. Is that what?
Is that OK? Is that a war?
Leave it. You'll do that, but you won't
wank it to see. So are you talking about
holding? Hold on to your wrist.
Holding on to your wrist, yeah. See guys that do callisthenics,
I think that's so impressive. Yeah, I'd like to do more of
that that, but it's hard to not chase that.
Go on down to what you know you want to go down the weight on
the machine because it's like, it's like a victory lap.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the actual stuff you should.
That's ego, isn't it? Yeah, Yeah, I think so.
I knew a guy who was, who was about 100 kilos and he was, he
was an Olympic weight lifter and he was just in ribbons though.
And he was only, yeah, in late 20s and he was absolutely in
ribbons. And then he lost.
I think he does Iron Man's now and he's probably, he's probably
low. He might be 83 or 84 kilos, but
he can move now and he is functional.
Yes. And you know, so he's like now I
can pick up my kids and whereas he, you know, so before he
could, I don't know, trolls child over a course of a mile,
but like that's no use to you. I also frowned upon.
My my cracking woke my son up. I was trying to like my 2 year
old putting him to bed recently and sneak out of his room.
Yeah and when I got up my knee cracked so badly it startled
him. So now I have to like WD40 on my
joints. I don't know if I've mentioned
this on the when we did the Zoom podcast, but everyone forgets
everything that happened on those imports.
The first time I ever laid eyes on the Delamere.
OK, do you remember this story? You when you lived in my hedge,
when you were homeless for a period, when you went straight
from parking a loading bed to heroin and I helped you out.
I was at the back gate of black stuff, BBC black stuff.
I'd say this was a two seasons in the blame game time maybe
kind of when this would have been and we were filming a
schedule for BBC and I and I heard a car yeah and I was
trying to like argue. I was like, no, where I'm in the
show, we're filming today. Yeah, security guy wasn't having
we. Still have that, yeah.
Then he just sees, he just sees a car.
I hear the car. He just hits a button.
Go on and get like a made man's coming.
You had a an Audi TT? Yeah.
And you drove it in. Yeah.
And I just went wow. Did that replace the Volkswagen?
It wasn't as good as the polo but I but I just remember being
like class. The first time I ever went to
BBC Northern Ireland, I had, I had been going to RTA.
Now, the security approach is different in RTA, which is an
open campus, and not in Belfast. Yeah.
So you would just drive up on a fellow wave at you.
The first time I drove to BBC Belfast, you know, there's a big
security guest. Oh, yeah.
And a lot of fellas in security a lot of the time have probably
been in the military previously. You know, that's way to put it.
That's I would like to put. This the unofficial military.
I didn't say anything about a Fisher or not.
I mean, sometimes they had their own uniform, sometimes they had
berets and sunglasses. I love those berries.
And sexy. Well, I always think those like
this, those distant marches, look French to hear.
I always think they look French to hear.
And then Irish from there. Yeah.
Not the Berry. Like, you can clearly tell,
like, one guy was desperate to get them all into it.
Yeah. He's like, no, this is
tradition, you know? And then once a couple of the
boys did it, he's like, thank God.
Yeah. Yeah.
I think he just picked up a box of something from a surplus
stuff. Yeah.
And he decided this is our look. Yeah, his berries aren't like
hard, you know what I mean? Like it's not as tough.
Look, you have to. Look, that's what makes you
tough. Yeah, you went.
That's a man in a beret. Yeah, you could kill you.
You have to look very tough. Yeah, my very good friend of
mine and his cousin was in the French Foreign Legion, so he was
hard as nails. And he, they got into a fight
once, was he? Irish.
He was Irish yet and do you know those lads who are so confident
that in a in a fight that if it's going to kick off that
they're going to end this, that there's no bravado and they go
quiet? Yeah.
And he said it's the most chilling thing he's ever heard.
Did he maybe like, oh, when you see guys like, take a jacket off
and fold it perfectly, like they're like, yeah, like some
guy. It was worse than that.
So this guy would go, he would automatically go into a room and
he'd look for exit points, he'd look for stuff.
He could use his weapons, right. So a fight happens in this pub,
but my friend is Kieran and his cousin is sitting beside him and
this guy had had a punch, this commanding officer apparently.
But anyway, he so even for the French are legion.
This guy was they think he's a rebel, right.
So a row starts off and he just and a guy starts to square up to
man and all he does is say to my friend Karen.
He goes get off that stool. That's all he says.
And yeah, he'd already thought
he was going to pick up the stool.
Karen says what the maths which he goes, I would have picked up
the stool. I would have broken off that guy
because I think it would break at that point there.
And then I would have the frame would have still left and I
would hit that guy with this bit like it was like John Wick
ninja. I would love it if a transparent
he was never in the Legion and. He worked, right?
He executed that. Yeah, the Allen key is fly off
and hit him in the cornea. Pull down the Billy bucket.
We can use those cushions. Well distracted with meatballs.
This will be over 5 minutes. We'll run out that way because
the arrows on the floor, it's that direction he'll.
Never, he says. It's going to take two minutes
to do it. It takes 2.
And a half hours this bitch leftover.
That's an amazing. I assume everyone.
I would hate to find out someone just joined the French Foreign
Legion because they just fancied it.
There has to be like the back story.
You want the sort of criminal. Back because that's the last
resort. You go, you're on the wrong
Yeah, you're the French Foreign Legion.
They will take. You, no matter your background,
that's what you imagine. Because it was the movie than
that found out Legion. Is that what it was called?
John John Club on them? Yeah, about during the French
foreign. Yeah, no, I know I haven't seen
the film. You would love to see the film
or you'd love to be in the French Foreign Legion I.
Would love I think start by seeing the film, something I
would enjoy. Yeah, I don't know if that's how
they train for you, just you just watch films.
But you know that in the. Did you ever see that in the
Anthony Anthony Joshua Ruiz is I think it's that documentary.
So they have all these people about talking about the
documentary about the fight coming up to it and then in the
middle of the fight, in the middle of it as as Sylvester
Stallone. Yeah, I like, I know, I know you
played a boxer, but you're not a boxer.
I think it was his. Maybe it was his production
company, but. Right, right, right.
Yeah, I know. You mean though?
Like, I mean, if if Torvill and Dean talk about Sarajevo in
1984, whatever. I don't want to say the two lads
and blades of glory. Yeah, yeah.
Oh well when we were pretending to be ice skaters and but I
yeah, there does not appeal to, I don't know most fellas just
the idea of the French foreign. I think the idea of being so
Hardy that, eh, nearly anything you can handle nearly any sort
of. Because I entered Tom, I felt
which. I believe is the first rule is
not using words like. It's.
Not the first giveaway that you're not tough.
I was gonna have told this in the poll before, but I was gonna
have a fight with my friend Marty whenever I was maybe 11 or
something, OK? I was running a watch, right?
And I'd watch way too much wrestling at the time.
And he was older than me and good at fighting, right?
But as I said, I've been watching a lot of WWE Raw.
OK, so as he was walking over to me to fight, I laughed, took the
watch off. Yeah.
Put it in my pocket. And then he beat the fuck.
And I was like, the one I was taking the watch off.
I was like, this guy's an idiot, you know?
But he I bet a lot of my fight planning in my head, like your
friend being like, get off the stool.
Yeah, was based on him coming at me in a very, you know, with a
clothesline. Yeah, yeah.
I would then Doc bounce off something.
Yeah, come back with a flying elbow.
But he just pages punched me and then that was kind of it.
You know, when you're a kid is, is anybody who's ever been in
fights? Yeah.
So if you're if you're not a kid wins a fight.
So, so I remember got picking around second primary school
like, and the guy was a boxer. So even if you hit him, he's
been hit. Yeah, where you get hit when
you're 11, you go. Yeah, yeah.
Why is he not stopping like my brother does?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, You know, eh. But so it's just a surprise of
us, I. Think I'm like when everyone was
watching wrestling first year in school eh?
Secondary school we are. Looking for ropes to jump off?
We're not. Quite much me and this guy.
You know what? I challenge him to and I quit
much and everyone in the class watched it.
What's that? You just the first one to say I
quit losers. So I'm A Celebrity.
Get Me Out of here. Yeah.
Pretty much I'm back with her. But put your, put your.
He he got me in like a chokehold 4 seconds and I was like, I
quit. I shouldn't have called this
much. I saw I regretted it so much.
Writing an apology I. Just had like in my head I had
some sort of leg lock on him and he screams it, you know?
I quit, you know And then I walk away.
All cool but there is always ends with me getting beat up so
I stop calling people out. Fairness, I mean, yeah.
I learned. I learned you.
Want. Yeah, that's the good thing.
Yeah. You've learned your lesson.
And you, you no longer pick rows.
No, no, no. I no longer have a big gimmick
to the match, you know? Yeah, I'm like some guy like
once fight me in a night out. I'm like only if it's tables,
ladders and chairs, you know, And then I just lose.
Before we start to record down was talking about a clip you'd
put out of North Tito visa Tito and I said save it for the Paul.
Oh yeah. So is this from stand up or no?
No, I did. I did Tim Mcgarry's show and he
was talking about his podcast and eh and somebody just talked
about, somebody just talked about North North S Theatre and
he said, I said that was better and he said not was better and
that was it and that was it. And.
It's kicking off. And it's it's kicking off
because it's nice. That we get long for it to get
political. Eh, it's it hasn't gotten, it
hasn't gotten political yet, which is usually the thing.
I remember talking about a show on the blame, an article on the
blame game. It was one of the great
pleasures of reading any story about anything in the Belfast
Telegraph was within three comments.
We've become sectarian. Yeah, it would like it would be
3. Degrees of sectarian.
Dublin Zoo. Yeah, it's Kevin Bacon.
Catholic. Protestant.
We know he's not Jewish or Muslim.
His name's Kevin. Bacon and he's one of the pigs.
He, he was, he was, he was in. I'd lost his thought, though.
Oh, it was an article of Penguins or something.
I remember you. Just like Christ it was.
I was like, don't start me in those phenions.
And then it was like, they're not, they're clearly
Protestants. They had that March, it was
called March of the Penguins and they just kicked off and you're
like Jesus Christ. And the thing, the last thing
I've done that's gone crazy online probably was I was
talking about saying nothing. Have you seen say nothing, say
nothing is is the I was joking. Oh.
No, no replying. Not a good, but then I
remembered it's an audio based podcast, so it probably the
daily good. Yeah, still.
Good. I'd like to apologise for
getting so caught up in my own story.
I love that. I love that.
No, but, but I'm going to start every say weekend, I'm going to
start. It's on.
It's on Disney. And so at the end end of every
episode is a disclaimer about Jerry Adams and says Jerry
Adams, like Jerry Adams regulate, but a central Bank of
Ireland. No, it has it has Jerry Adams
says he was never remember the IRA and all the rest, you know,
and and the producers out of the end.
It does say that at the end of every every episode.
Directed show. But apparently, like the
producers, they might as well go, we can catch it.
But anyway, it says that. And because for legal reasons,
Jerry Adams denies ever been a member of the IRA and I've ever
taken part of any sin italics IRA operations.
But no, because it's on a streamer.
Then of course, the next episode starts in 1097 and you go, they
put his name very close to a timer and a countdown and it
looks delivered. I'm sorry, but it looks
deliberate put. So that kind of kicked off a
little bit and then I put my, I put my video up of the chase.
I did the chase. Yeah, I want to talk about that.
Yeah, yeah. Did Celebrity Chase and it
sometimes you do the shows and you're you're 5050 guesses kind
of don't go well. And you you look like, oh God, I
didn't do well enough. And then sometimes you do them
and you're 5050 chances go well and it went really well.
So you'd look. You look.
At Hot Streak. You look better than you might
not necessarily normally look. It's really important that and
any of those was like Mastermind or eh or the chaser on like that
is you get your first couple of questions and then you calm
down. Whereas otherwise your
adrenaline spikes and none of you've ever had this.
I'm sure you've had a journey gig if it really kicks off, if
your adrenaline spikes cut here. Yeah, yeah.
They've actually proven this and things.
So. So say you missed your first two
questions in Mastermind or whatever, then all you hear is
you don't hear eh, Shane Todd is a well known eh comedian from
which town in all or whatever. Yeah, well done one eh?
And if you have gotten 3 questions before that wrong, all
you hear is for yes, count you down and you're like and you
almost have the guest there. Right, right, right.
I mean, yeah, yeah. So put the the the count.
The chase went really well. You know, do.
You are the nerves. Similar for stand up.
Something like that. Like, no, I think because stand
up. I mean, you can even joke about
and there's quite There's enough time.
If it goes wrong, it's not up. You can joke about it, there's
enough time. The Chaser really enjoyed.
And who was who was the chaser? Chaser was Dara Ennis, OK, so he
was Irish and because you want to show, So it was me and Jamie
Borthwick from EastEnders, Helen Lederer from Blackadder, eh?
Jasmine Harmon from Place in the Sun and then me and you're not
as well known, eh and all in the UK.
So Dara Ennis comes out and it was great because he had seen me
and he kind of put all in contacts and he was really,
really sweet. Umm, So I kind of got lucky
there with the chaser. If I had been Paul Sinner, that
would have been good as well, because obviously you know him
from stand up and stuff. What's?
Your what was your first question?
Do you remember? The first, any first question,
the cash builder or can I tell you a little secret about the
cash builder, please? This is true and so cash builder
got 9 out of 10 right. The 10th question was something
like Taylor. It was Taylor wimpy Bill bill
swat or sell swat in the UK and I went I don't know a pass and
it's it's houses. But if you don't live in
England. Genuine.
I was going to say burgers. I mean, it would have been a
guess that was the first. It's better than pass.
Yeah. Well, wimpy, that's what I mean.
Yeah, Yeah. So.
But if you don't live in the UK and you haven't seen them
around, actually my pass. And then so he says to me, don't
put this. That was a clip.
It needs context. And he says to me, don't nod.
So probably watch cause did it, did it?
Did it not build houses in Ireland?
And I went, I went, I said, no, we all live underground.
We fear British invasion. Right then I thought, no, what
he said was, do they not built houses in Ireland?
And I got all, I had the wolf stones in my head gone and I got
all chippy. And I know that's not what he
meant at all. He's really lovely, really nice.
And then for time and probably reputation, it didn't go out.
But it's funny because in the moment.
Yeah, yeah. That's good.
It's all about intonation. Give me a quick give me a
question if you remember. I'll give you a question.
Can I tell you, once I had seen an episode of the 20th Fact
Check me on this. I had seen an episode of The
Chase, Yeah, on ITV or whatever. And then we were at our friend
Stevie's house about to go on a night out, and of course the
boys were watching The Chase. Yeah, but it was on like UKTV or
something. Yeah, it was the same episode.
And I sat there like real month and just got every single one
right. And the boys were like, he
actually, he's wrong with him. Yeah, he's a genius.
And what sport can you score a daddy?
100 crickets. Yeah, I don't think, I think see
all games see like Trivial Pursuit on a plane.
Yeah, good at that. Yeah.
But the idea that it's like live audience and stuff.
Yeah. I think I would panic and get
things wrong. Yeah.
And you know. I think it's funny because if
you do well and the people have texted me, tweeted me and said,
oh, you could, oh, you should be a chaser.
Oh, they're going to give you a job next.
The level that they're off. We're doing it all the time.
Do they and they train, do they practise?
That's what I was going to. Salutely.
So is it just? Course, it looks like the
disdain, the disdain that you have do.
You know what I would for? Education read like you didn't
even like. If you had said did they just
learn facts or read lists I would have accepted that.
But did they just read books? Ah, like drummer losers was a
Paul Paul to like anyone who looks smart and had glasses,
he'd be like, kill them. Yeah, I'd be like, I'd be like
Cambodia. Yeah, like whenever, like
whenever dictators come in, they're like, burn all the
books. Yeah, that'd be me.
Yeah, don't want ideas. I don't want any ideas I think.
Burn the scrolls. I think they do.
I think it's, it's foot. I think now that will be boring
unless you're into it. But I think that like there are
certain questions that there's, there's, there's themes in those
questions if you look at them enough.
Like if you were, if somebody said you have to be a chaser in
six months, you'd learn every single capital city of every
single country in the world. You'd learn who won the Oscars
from, say, the 1960s onwards. Baku.
Yep. You're welcome.
That's this whole pod I've been about that.
I know that's not a mainstream. One, this whole part has been a
setup for one joke. Senegal.
Senegal, Oh, Senegal. West Africa.
Senegal. Do.
You know. Yep, just from football.
Oh God I should know this. Give me the 1st letter.
D Don't give me the 1st letter in the chest.
Dhaka, Dhaka. Paris.
Tucker rally of course goes there.
Yeah, I should have gotten that. Yeah, well, you got an end.
Yeah, but they give me a yeah. See, I can't do that.
See, if I don't know the answer straight away, yeah, I'll never
be able to. Dig What if I did all the
letters of us? Yeah, I might know that, but you
dug for that. You.
Went over the back catalogue one, gives another one.
Go. I don't have a backup.
You want to do a capital city? Yeah, go on.
Estonia. Talent, yeah.
Brazil. Brazil, yeah.
Yeah, people always Australia, Canberra, yeah, they're two,
they're two. You can get people like pretty
quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is he Sydney and. Sao Paulo, Yeah.
And then you never speak. San Marino Vegos is it?
I don't know. The answer that sounds I got is
right. Is that right?
It's just. The city of San Marino.
Oh yeah. Where is Vadu's then?
I thought One of the smaller ones, yeah.
I love man. Douglas Yeah.
Where is Vadu's VADUZ? I'm trying to remember where it
is. It's one of those small.
I could be at Lafayette, no. And the Latvia is Riga.
Yeah, lectures, times, That's it.
Yeah, I like those weird places. Yeah.
Those just be silly places. No, I know what you like.
I mean, the pods clearly doing well.
It's you've done Isle of Man and lecture Stein.
Yeah, it's tax. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's an absolute tax shelter. Look sure to the Cayman Islands
loves. Yeah, yeah.
Totally unrelated. Give the same man same account
as Jimmy Carter. Cars of my childhood,
Volkswagen, Polo and Jimmy, yeah, I do think you could learn
those lists. I did.
And I think that they, oddly enough, really love that sort of
stuff, you know? Yeah.
And they love learning. And Paul loves learning about
connections and stuff like this. And.
And Dara is just Dara's just a really bright mouth.
Dara's. It was only just gave up a job
recently was a neuroscientist studying studying fruit flies.
And the reason he studied fruit flies is the genetics of fruit
flies is you basically you can have your, your, your granddad
can have a rake of grandchildren within like two or three months
or something like this. You know, I mean, so very short
reproduction cycle. So they can study all the
genetics really quickly. Right, right.
But are you ever like, are you ever learning new stuff about
that? I've never heard a man
dismissing point. Right, right, right, right,
right, right. Moving on.
Boring. No idea.
Yeah. Hey, worst gig ever.
Apart from this one. You mean live gig?
No dues. This whole podcast is going to
be the word Contra Tom, which I'm proud and ashamed of and
produce. And are they learning new
things? I don't know.
I suppose like I do like. Is there no losses of stuff we
should leave? What?
Is there not a load of stuff like?
That is irrelevant. Yeah, No, I understand.
I think, I think the Greek God of XY and Z is irrelevant
largely. But it's good in the quiz.
But like, I much prefer to be able to hack into the northern
bank and. I'd like to even animals and
stuff like. Yeah, there's.
Probably people still studying cars.
For what? I mean, I would find that
argument more persuasive had you not really been a proponent for
meat strength earlier on in the show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was.
I mean, if you picked aardvarks or something like that.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, fuck those bastards.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they're.
Oh, you think you're great with your own?
With the front to the fucking dictionary?
There's a time and place for learning.
Yeah, it ends. It ends at university, right?
And even even university on my council.
What did you do in university? Did you you didn't know?
No. What did you do when you left
school? Chilled.
Yeah, Muscle OPS.
What age were you when you left school?
16. OK, sixteen.
Yeah, OK. That's.
Quite and then I went to college and loved it.
OK, I did. Media moving image.
I can see where you like films.
OK, OK. Yeah, this is looking video.
And we're moving setting up. Setting up tax shelters, Yeah.
Where did you do? Where did you do?
Belfast Metropolitan College. OK.
I mean years was the course two. OK.
Love you. 2 years for everybody. Yeah, Yeah, OK.
No, they didn't. Two months.
I'm just, I kind of assumed it might have been a year.
I loved college. Did you?
Love the course where you were in two years.
You're in the centre town watching films.
Wearing your own clothes. Watch not that.
What do you think university is that you turned up ago?
Well, you've got enough points in your leaving centre area
levels. Here's some other person's
clothes that you have to wear. If I hadn't known you could wear
your own clothes that you need to try it hard.
The other man over there in the corner, he'll make you put on a
Berry. That's a different course.
Ignore the sunglasses and the bear.
Yeah, yeah. And you've.
But that's kind of isn't that a good thing to have done then and
gone into what you do now Because like I did, I was a
software engineer and the only reason I did that is because my
brother had done it right. So you do.
You're leaving, Sir. You get points for your grades
and you can I'm explaining for our international audience.
I'm sure you have listeners all over the world and San Marino,
for example, Douglas, the other man.
And show it to my content. They don't listen to this
because there's no way Shane Todd is your written name when
you're dealing with those. It's Mickey Bartlett.
So you get enough points and then you kind of go to a college
course. And I just, I just did.
I literally did it because I knew I would get job.
Yeah, my brother had already done it.
Yeah. It was a placeholder, you know.
Yeah. So like yours was a placeholder
result. Yeah, before you find this.
But we're I'm weirdly Michael there was in my class.
Really. Yeah.
Wow. Because you know.
What you what did you do when you left college then, eh?
Didn't stand up part time like as a hobby and work in call
centre. OK.
What did you do when you left at the work and finance?
Work in finance, yeah, but finance could be absolutely
anything. It could be setting up, eh?
Like numbered accounts for the assassination.
Money for men, if you know what I mean, around the estate.
OK, right. That makes sense it.
Could be that or it could be counter #4 please, it could be
absolutely anything. So you're lending out communion
money to, you know, loan shark like retail finance and
recoveries and collections and that kind of stuff.
Re recoveries and collections, now we have to find out where
he's from because recoveries and collections could be a phone
call or turning up like Ray Donovan and getting a baseball
bat, the boot of a car. You've got to be careful when
you do that, what the car is. I think you can't if you're if
you're collecting debts, yeah. You're taking a bat out of the
back of a car. You can't take it out of a
jinkle genital, No. Can you?
Well, I think bat is bigger than or it's a big that.
Even harder. Yeah, yeah, I don't need this
guy doesn't need the big 4 by 4. Yeah.
You know, I think the ultimate flex would be if you turned up
in a chinkle gento, open the boat, took a bat out of the
boot, put the bat in the ground and batter somebody with the
chinkle gento. Yeah, you.
Just lift up the chinkle. Just.
Hit somewhere. Smart car.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Umm, you're doing eh, SSE again,
Because when we talked loud, we did the Zoom podcast.
You were going to do the SEC Yeah.
And you've done how many Times Now?
Eh, I think three years of time times.
Yes, can I say my in laws Yeah, the show they the stand up show
they go see every year is Neil Elmer and oh wow.
And then the next priority is. Me.
Yeah, My show. They'll see you forever though,
and they know you're good, so it's fine.
That's a lovely way to look at. Yeah, they they want.
And they say it like this, but they my.
Family does them. They love, they love going to
your Belfast shows and UMM and SSC is great.
It is great. It's surprisingly great.
Yeah, yeah. From what it is because it's
obviously its primary purposes in ice hockey stadium.
But the first time I was in it before, before I think I did it,
I was just looking at going. The sound is better than I
expected and the lights are better because of the because of
how healthy the scene is here and because all of you boys have
done and what I was. Going to say, there's so much
comedy in it now. There's probably a lot of these
arenas and very rarely have stand up, yeah.
But these they have started every month now.
Although a woman came to a gig the other day I was doing and
eh, she's from West Belfast, was in Yuri and I said why are you
here Because, well, I just go to the SSC.
She goes, it's freezing when it's an ice hockey arena.
I mean, there's it can't be a massive surprise.
But yeah, it was. Yeah.
Can't do much about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But yeah, it's great. And it's it's the size that is
it's that perfect size of because I like talking the front
row bit messing around and they don't really feel excluded in
that, you know? Yeah, eh, whereas I think
there's a size beyond that where like Dara Dara brain remember he
was doing a run of, I don't know, he's doing 25 or 30 Victor
streets once. And so why would you not just do
three as he or three three arenas and he was.
So no in the way you say 3 twice there.
I know, yeah. You'd I knew going into you
didn't want to say that. No, I didn't want to say I
should have said the point. Point depot.
Yeah, yeah, I think that would have annoyed some people, but.
And he went for what I do, messing around people.
Yeah, it's too far, you know? Yeah.
I like to mix it up. I think sometimes you do the big
show, sometimes you do like a run of the smaller shows.
Yeah. And you keep mixing it up.
Yeah, I think that's a way to do.
And actually you're doing Millennium Forum and Derry do.
We'll put the link to all the shows in the description of
this. Millennium Forum.
Greg is phenomenal because it's like the way that's set up.
There's a lot of rooms like that that are maybe 2003 thousand
sort of thing. This is like a miniature version
of those. You've got like 1000 people in
there. Yeah.
And it's so they're so close. It's so intimate.
It feels like, And I think Vicar St, maybe it has this too.
Yeah. It feels like there's a quarter
of the amount of people that they really are.
Yeah, the distance between you and the furthest person away,
yeah, is not massive. Yeah.
And that's that's a huge thing. And dairy is a lot.
Lot of comedians find dairy like all in that they go well.
I'm selling group in Belfast, Yeah, but when I go to Derry
it's it's nowhere near the same. Yeah.
When you keep going to Derry, I think, and showing love to the
city, yeah, they love that back in return.
Yeah. So once you like, if you're
playing the Forum regularly and doing their as part of your
tour, I think it's always a great sign.
Yeah, I mean, it's a smaller city and and I'm from a small
place, much smaller than Derry. And there's an element of you
were delighted that someone would come and see you because
they don't necessarily have to see you.
Definitely, particularly if they're huge act.
So and Derry, very audience is brilliant as well.
They're great. Absolutely.
I find the audience is North of Border, generally speaking.
And because comedians tent because one of the great
questions they always get asked is, is there a difference?
And there's not a massive difference.
I think we've we find a lot of the same surreal stuff very
funny. What I do like about North of
Border is that because for various obvious reasons, there's
a slight darkness of the sense of humour here.
Yeah, of course comedians love that because we tend to have to
accent she's humour because we've seen everything are heard
heard jokes about everything I suppose so there's an element of
that in Belfast and area and all around that is a little bit more
like the comedian central overthink.
Yeah, you know what I mean? But I.
Just think it's a great time to be gagging around here and even
the shows at a Dublin Cork and stuff.
Yeah, audiences are just like, I'm not just sound not like
audiences are brilliant. I think there was a time where.
You know what it is now. Exactly exactly.
And they know how to have the best night and and just sit and
enjoy the show. We also tend to think that
everybody is familiar with stand up.
Yeah, somebody who likes stand up might go to a gig a year.
Yeah, maybe. Yeah.
So like, why would you expect somebody who's brand new, who
might know you from TikTok or might know you from this, might
know you from something else? Yeah.
You can't expect them to know what it is necessarily.
So we're a bit wrapped up in it's like when you do the Edmund
Fringe, no one else cares. Yeah.
No one gives a shit that you're
having a mental breakdown in Scotland in August.
Yeah. I mean, no one cares.
So sometimes you have to kind of step back.
And remember a better stand up you did talking to the Fringe
about being in Edinburgh. You did it in Edinburgh on one
of the got the BBC gala type things.
Oh really? And it was talking about you
were cycling home from the bar. Oh yeah.
Police pulled over and you were beside your poster.
Oh yeah, stand up. I mean, it's better when I don't
when you don't give away the end.
But I mean, if all stand up, I think, I think we should do a
tour together. Have you seen a waste of my time
doing an hour and a quarter? You should come on and just
synopsize all the jokes. And it turned out it was a
teacher, not a student. Have you seen The 6th Sense, the
movie about the kid who sees? Yeah, I have.
Yeah. This is something you want to
say? I see.
I haven't seen the Titanic now. Is that sad in the end?
Because it looks like it looks great.
What angle you're looking at it from?
Okay, Iceberger. Both.
Yeah, okay. If you're a fan of big iceberg
hits like that's a. YouTube couple.
I mean, I love lettuce, Yeah. And also things that break off
from a flow. Yeah, that that is true.
That is, I was I was buckled. Well, it wasn't that I wasn't
out buckled. I was I was a little bit well on
I was I was leaving the loft bar in the Gila blue and I cycled
home and I broke a lice. I broke a couple of lights and
the the blue lights came on behind me and then of course,
had to chase me through two or three lights and because I was
buckle, I was like Jesus, someone's in trouble.
I was like, whoa, someone's really in trouble and I'm keep
going. And he pulled in front of me and
it was a north bridge there and I'll never forget this.
He goes, he says to me, yeah, do you normally do that?
And I was like, what? And I fiddly diddly, diddly did
up a bit, Yeah. Because I thought I might get
away with this if I if I'm not from here.
Yes. And he said to me, and would you
would you cycle through a red light at home?
And I went, no, no, no, no, I've, I've a car at all.
He didn't like that at all. And then he went and he said, I
could have saved your life tonight because if you've gone
through the next lights and were hit by a car and you could be
dead, which is a good point. And of course, I said, I said to
him, and you haven't stopped me. I'd probably be home by now and
none of this is working out. And then he said, what's your
name? And I just didn't want to, I
just didn't want to be on a book somewhere.
And I said John Delahunty or Michael, I don't know.
All I could think of there was Michael Stone.
He would have been on the book. So yeah, yeah, yeah.
I said Mike Ward or something like this.
And he went, really? And I went, you know,
absolutely. And he said, you know, you can't
like, you can't like to a police officer anyway.
No, it's absolutely Michael Ward.
He goes because it says Neil Delimer on a poster behind your
head. And I had stopped in front of my
own Edinburgh French Festival post.
And, you know, in the early days there's none.
You've only got 4 posters. Yeah, for a whole city.
And I'd stopped in front of mine.
I'm gonna get like that. So not only you stopped your
own. He knows where you're going to
be for the next 25 nights. He doesn't even have to get you
tonight. He can wait.
You've done 25 nights to know people and then turn up on the
final night and do you. And then he just laughed his
head off because it was so inept.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I remember doing and
doing that and I. Remember that stand up, but
always I remember watching that. That yeah, that big.
And then it was that I was at the end of it was like, you do
it, never going. I was embarrassed.
He was angry. The other people in the rickshaw
furious and you just build it up and then you hit them.
But it's not always nice to do a little turn like that, A little
weird turn at the end I. Like I like, yeah, I like Rick
shows me and Dave Alley took one London go from McDonald's to the
hotel. Who doesn't like a rickshaw?
Brilliant. I think that should be your
epitaph. The driver.
Of I'm not killing you, but just if you have a Bulgaria Sofia.
No, I thought epitaph was. Oh, Epitaph was the capital.
I thought you just naming Wombles I.
Don't know what epitaph. Epitaph spots written in your
gravestone. Pretty much, yeah.
I think if you have an amazing life, I know it just goes
electric, I think people will go.
That's a fun. That sounds fun, guy.
Yeah, a bit of fun. Yeah, that's a bit of fun, I
think. I think it would just.
I think people would really want to look up your story.
Yeah. In years to come, if you were
walking through a misty graveyard.
Yeah. And it says rather than we lost
him too soon, elect pictures. Yeah.
I think people would go, yeah, there's a story.
Character. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Umm, Neil, you're the whole What's the Turkle?
I always call my tour stupid names, so my first, one of the
ones early doors was The Fresh Prince of Delamere.
Yeah, which I was very happy with.
I wonder when you're saying that it triggers this thing where all
the lights go off. It's OK, It's OK.
We're good. Now which one is?
This is this where we hey, this and this is the part of the
podcast where we get intimate looks like.
So I had Fresh Prince Dell Amir last year was called Neil by
mouse because I was talking and it was me.
And this one is called Achilles Neil because I always run out
with silly names, but it's called Achilles Neil.
There will be no Greek mythology units, but it's about the mad
stuff I've done this year or the interesting stuff, including me
and Murphy doing High Road, Low Rd, which is an RT issue.
Yeah, go on, go on and hold this together briefly, Neil.
Clubbing. What?
Neil Clubbing. Deal.
Or we're going through this. Yeah.
That was on the reject, rejected list, along with sexual
kneeling, which we thought was a step too far at Neil
Desperandom. Yeah, Ian Neil.
Yeah, it's harder than the looks.
I mean, who turns up to a show called Ian Neil?
And also my also my brother is called Ian.
So it's just, you're just listing my family members.
That's all it is. We'd look out into an MPSC.
There will be one person. It's a guy out there with a
wonky, wonky wrist and nobody else.
No honest family. They always come and see me.
They've haunted me down, yeah. So come and see that show.
And also. Neil Worm.
Neil Worm like meal worm. OK, OK, yeah.
Neil of approval. Yeah.
Neil Hall, Someone you see Keel hold someone, it's punishment.
You tied them to the bottom of a boat.
Oh yeah. He had the idea, yeah.
Push right off, right off, wanking in the sea.
The worst punishment? For me, I was about to start,
and then the guy went tied to the bottom of a canoe.
Ashes put me right off. And I also were talking about I
got to be a zookeeper for a day in Dublin Zoo, which is amazing.
That's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that part of the show? We'll put all the the link for
that in the description of this episode.
You know my in laws will be there.
Yeah, brilliant. They'll be there.
Yeah, they're already going. I'm looking for and thanks very
much for coming down. Absolutely.
I appreciate it. Thanks, it was massive.