I'm Michael. Che and I'm Colin Jose, and
we've got a little secret. Actually, it's a pretty big
secret. Well, now you got to give the
people something. I'm not saying a word.
Oh, then people will know to tune in.
Come on, tell them a little. Like how we're hosting of comedy
events streaming only on Peacock, exactly how it's called
New York After Dark and it's a comedy show that only features
drop in comic. Boom, you nail.
Into Michael Chase phone numbers.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
New York After Dark. It's some kind of comedy thing.
And it's streaming now only on Peacock.
You love it, zippers.
Welcome to this episode of the Tea With Me podcast with me, she
and Todd. It's a nice time.
We're in the studio. Came to the studio last week,
tried to record an episode by myself, tried about 6-7 times,
then in the end I was just staring at myself back in the
webcam, which I've done before, with just a feeling of
disgusting myself. I was like, I just can't get
into it. I looked at my hair.
I was like, it's nearly coming over the ears.
So I had to get a haircut. I've got a haircut today.
I feel good. I'm looking at two masked up
nerds right now who believe in COVID.
Don and Mike, you think there's some sort of pandemic going on?
Fucking weirdos. And one of them is sitting deep
in the shadows of his, legs crossed, like he's waiting for
me to audition with some sort of burlesque act, you know, so I
can get gigs in his, I don't know, like, private gentlemen's
club. And all I can say is a
reflection of his glasses and the reflection from his penis.
And then straight ahead of me, there's another guy who just
can't keep being sweet. He can't stop being sweet.
Every weekend podcast, it looks like I'm being filmed by an 8
year old boy on his break from school because he's just
stuffing confectionery into his face.
He's eating a block at the minute.
It should be shared between, I don't know, a village, but he's
eating it all himself in his fat face.
He loves it. He absolutely loves it.
And this it's a melting into his hands and he's got chocolate all
over his mind and it's a nice time.
And these are just the guys that I do the podcast with and, and
it's a good time because honestly, when I try to do the
episode by myself, I just couldn't do it.
I couldn't do it because I thought if somebody comes in by
mistake, it's weird to just be filming yourself doing a
podcast, you know, It's weird. So I need these shadowy face
stuffer guys around me. And it's a good time, you know?
And it is definitely interesting to be in a room with guys whose
views on COVID are completely parallel to mine.
You know, these guys are taking precautions, masks, face hand
wipes, all that kind of stuff. I like the rest of the
population know the COVID was set up to stop the 12th of July
from happening. So if you don't think that
you're crazy, well, hey, real talk for a second, right?
And by the way, real talk isn't like some new feature I'm going
to be doing, right? But why does everybody, why is
everybody acting, you know, the way everybody's like you're
being muzzled, the pub, the people are being muzzled.
These masks are used being muzzled like we dogs by the
government. I don't that I don't think that
sounding bad. You know what I mean?
Because, you know, plenty of people like wearing a muzzle,
you know, and people are like they're keeping you at home and
all they're keeping you at home. So you don't go out and want to
keep everybody in their homes. Eh, Amazon Prime, Netflix homes,
great homes, definitely better than outside because when you're
outside you can get shot on by a bird.
You can't do, you can't do that in the house.
You know, and people as well are like, oh, you know, they're,
they're just trying to, they're trying to stop you travelling.
I don't know if the last everyone has a everyone's
attitude of travels totally changed and we now have this
romanticised idea of or when you go to Belfast International
Airport on you skip off into the sunshine.
It's not like that. You've got 2 1/2 hours in
between of just walking around the airport.
What about when you empty your pockets and there's a big queue
and they're rushing you through and you're like, oh, and you
can't get your Pogs into your pocket.
Whatever you had, you know, it was Mike.
It's loads of chocolate. You know, like Mike brings her
so much chocolate it sets a metal detector off.
And they're like, it's just chocolate, but you've so much of
it. But it's, it's come to our
attention. They might be smuggling some in.
I was going to say something really disgusting.
Everyone but umm, everyone has this romance idea travel and
shit. I mean being in a different
place is good, but the travel is so bad.
So I think all this is good. Their muzzle on us.
OK good, that'll be comfy in my mouth.
They're keeping in your house. Oh, indoors is great.
You know, they're stop and travel good because if it was
sunny all the time, you'd never leave here.
You'd never leave here. And anybody who says that, it's
a fucking lunatic. If it was like us all the time,
you'd never leave. It's nice one day in May, so
we're having a good time. But I would leave because if I
leave then I'll not be around people going.
It's like I saw a 10, you wouldn't leave.
And as old people say, I always have a really fat neck, fat neck
and fat chain. Even if we're not fat people,
it's like I saw a 10, never leave.
Fuck off and loads of want to get through loads of want to
talk about some stuff I want to watch.
OK, we're going to here's the thing.
We're moving the podcast into 2020.
We're trying to springboard into 2021 and we're going to be
watching videos on the podcast as we go.
All right, I don't know how that's going to work, but I'm
I'm going to assume that it'll be fine.
And the first thing to kick us off that I want to watch is
something that I got sent. Now, this is somebody that
called in to a local radio show and it's an like it's it's an
old an old woman. No, but that's not offensive to
ever. It was to say that it was an old
woman who phoned a local radio phone in and she wants to have
her say on COVID. She's trying to make a point.
And then I don't know if I agree with the the sentiment exactly,
but let's let's have a listen to this genuinely was a call that
happened, I think on BBC Radio foil.
This is a genuine call. Here it is.
That's for 20 years. But I don't care.
Anybody says I think at the end of the troubles, Catherine, we
all felt, you know, we kind of all breathe.
We sort of sigh of relief. You thought keepers were maybe
getting summer. I think this year's been a bit
mad, hasn't it all? Told so tragic this yeah see
during the troubles you got no you had it got shorter blown up,
but you didn't get the COVID, you know.
Right. Maybe if we just go from the
start, which is it's about 20 years ago.
I don't care what anybody says. I think at the end of the
troubles, Kathleen, we all felt, you know, we kind of all
breathe. We sort of sigh of relief.
You thought tippers were maybe getting somewhere.
I think this year's been a bit mad, hasn't it all?
No, Kathleen. I mean, the guy's right.
You know what I mean? Mark Patterson, he's 100% right.
Hey, it has been a mad year. It's fair to say it's been a mad
year. We're getting closer to 100
subscribers from Patreon. COVID, I don't know what else
has happened, but things have happened.
And Kathleen has phoned in to make this point.
She hasn't just blurted this out.
She has had this thought and then been like, this needs a
medium. I need, I need radio for this.
And I mean, I don't know if I get her point.
It's just to say, so tragic. Yes, good start.
See, during the troubles, you got an old headache, got
shorter, blown up, but you didn't get the COVID, you know?
Now, The thing is, first of all, there are people who do yearn
for the troubles. There are older people here like
bring it back, you know, for example, probably guys who run
businesses replacing windows. You know, that was that was the
go, I would say the golden age and window replacement.
But Kathleen's point there is that, yes, there were risks
during the Troubles and you did get, in her own words, blown up
or killed, but you didn't get COVID.
But I mean, I don't get the point there where she's like,
listen, you died, but you didn't die with with.
You didn't die without your sense of taste lost.
You know, she's like you didn't she's like you, you would you
got killed during the Troubles, definitely.
But here's the point. You didn't have a fever when
that happened. I, I love that so much.
I love that she is just such a nice old lady who just wants a
little bit of the troubles back. You know what I mean?
Like, like when you miss something like, you know, like a
family dog, you know, like a pet.
And you're like, oh, do you remember, do you remember Rover?
He had run up out here. Do you remember?
I remember the time he went missing and he hadn't actually
left the house at all. He was under, under we Jimmy's
bed. You're a member.
And she said Kathleen's sitting in the house being like, do you
remember Sierra Matthew UVF? Do you remember?
Do you remember when they would do you remember when they would
take you from your house? They would take you down an
alleyway? Do you remember that time that
took me? Do you remember that time I was
selling ease?
I was selling ease from a stall out the front of the house.
And the boys came round and the says Kathleen, let's go.
And they did. They did.
They put a bit of lead into both knees.
But the important thing is there was no cofit.
And that is the thing older people do.
They put an F in instead of AV cofit.
Yes, there was paramilitary murders every day, but there was
not. There was not.
Cofit. Let's get back to it.
I mean, we did the live Patreon podcast last night, but if
you're not a part, not a Patreon subscriber, you won't hear for a
couple of weeks. But we were talking, we're not
talking about that on the Troubles, but we were talking
about how, you know, the, like, Riot and the troubles of
sectarianism is very much a summer sport.
You know, it's very like, it thrives in good conditions
because nobody is really committed to it.
Not really. Like a lot of people will say
they are. They've got the tattoos.
They're saying they're singing all the songs, you know, and
they're like, we're going out to do a protest here.
We're going to attack the police.
Yeah, because it's early July. Would those same fellas get up
on a crisp December morning and go down to the interface?
No, they would not. There's a reason the 11th and
12th of July are in July, 100 percent, 100%.
Like, it's not. Yeah.
Because people go like, Americans come over and they're
like, like, why do you guys do? Why the 11th?
What's the cultural significance of the 11th and 12th of July?
And boys are like Rosen. It's Rosen.
And the boys can wear shorts, you know, And that's another
thing like I I yearn to just see a little bit of that, you know,
to see like a see an angry loyalist in a pair of in a pair
of shorts, a pair of Adidas gazelles and with top off, you
know, and then I think we should.
I never want to stir up trouble ever, obviously, because it's
irresponsible. At the same time, I think with
the 12th and all this year and like marching season, the riots,
the counter riots, all that, I think this year, if we get to do
it, let's let's turn it up a notch.
Let's if we're going to do it, let's fucking do it.
Let's every if you're like a reformed guy who's like, oh,
that was the old life. I left the behind.
I've got grandkids now, you know, made no get them minded
and this July get back out there.
And if you're a guy on the other side being like, I didn't want
them marching down the street. But now I've learned respect,
I've learned tolerance. I've learned that, you know,
we're just brought up slightly differently, but people should
be able to walk wherever they want.
No get back out there and say over my dead body and you start
throwing things and let's just let's just bring it back.
I heard a story about somebody who like was linked to being
like a rioter a couple of years ago.
Well, like a few years ago, people are like, oh, he's a
rioter. I don't know if he did, but I do
know that somebody I know knew him and was about.
So here's the thing. There's this guy, right?
And I know a guy who knows this guy and this guy has been
accused of being a rioter before.
And my mate did not confirm or deny this, but did say that he
was talking to the guy years before the guy got like well
known. And he said that the guy goes,
the guy, sorry. The guy shows up with like to
this guy's house with like 8 bottles of Budweiser and the guy
goes, what's the beer for? And the guy goes.
The other guy goes because you can drink them and then you can
throw them. And honestly, that is one of the
most beautiful things I've ever heard my entire life.
Like that's that's a double win on the Budweiser.
You know what I mean? Drop a bud through it.
You know, you're not just picking up empties or you're not
like going to buy a carry out and sitting empty and to go to
the riot. He was enjoying himself in the
run up to it. I drank it a throat, you know,
it is recycling in a way, because a lot of the guys were
drinking bottles, bending them and then finding bottles from
somewhere else using double the bottles.
These guys are like, no, don't be bending them, I'll be using
them tomorrow. So yeah, I don't know if that I
don't know if that was true, but I really enjoyed the way it was
told. And the guy who told me didn't
have reason to lie. So I think it maybe didn't
happen. But let's just knock it all in
the head. And I actually do, you know
what? I've had to think about it.
Let's knock it in the head. The troubles, all that kind of
stuff. No, let's, let's knock it in the
head. Let's have a day like the Purge.
Let's have a day where we where, where you can really say what
you think because that's what we're scared to do nowadays.
Even more so with COVID. We're scared to say what we
think. We're muzzled.
I say permanently. We keep the masks on, but one
day and let me pick a date off the top of my head.
Oh, hmm, 12th of July, we take the masks off and you can say
whatever you want. Imagine let's have, can we have
a social media purge? Can we have a day where you can
go on and just post whatever you want and you don't have to stop
yourself and be like, Oh my, go to gaol for this or whatever,
you know, can we like, let's say some words that have not been
uttered in a long time, but no one would take offence.
Let's bring it back. Any words you want to bring
back? I mean, here's the thing, right?
Everyone has used every word. You've used every word at some
point. But the test of your character
is how long ago was the from the last time you said it?
You know, it's like a meetings. It's like, how long are you
sober? Like you're never truly, you're
never truly like totally PC, but you're working towards it.
And you're like, listen, it's been 600 days since I've since
I've touched a slang word. You know, I've actually never,
I've never said an offensive word.
But a lot of people, in fact, Big Mike, just before we
recorded, I said, are we good to go?
And he said yes and then referred to me as something that
I can't repeat, but let's just say there was an Asian element
to I'm sure we need that. He didn't.
And then I can hear what he said.
So much sweet at popping candy in his mouth, Jelly babies,
licorice, all sorts. I mean, Mike is like a
professional cameraman, you know what I mean?
He's a video maker. This is his job.
And he like to be honest, like he has he has who?
Mike has a van for like getting round the shoots and stuff, but
he has like no earthly possessions because any time he
gets paid from a job, he just goes straight to the news
agents. He goes straight to the news
agents. The guy goes, what can I get
you? And Mike goes, listen, the back
doors of the van are open, Start carting the stuff in and he gets
paid. He gets bonbons and American
hard guns and he's just a real sweet guy.
I remember there's a there's a sweet van.
I don't know if it's still there as in like a sweetie shell van.
Not like it has a spoiler at Brunswick.
What's up at Brunswick Square, what you call the place where
Little Italy is. For anyone who doesn't know what
Little Italy is, it's a Little Italy is a pizza shop in
Belfast. That it's weird that it's like a
magic thing because you can't find it when you're sober.
Like I've never been able to find Little Italy sober.
I go to where I think it is and there's just a blank building
and then I have 6 pints and I'm like, does anyone go to Little
Italy? Because no, because there's no
gap in it. Like Little it, no one's ever
said Little Italy, You know what I mean?
Like you have a couple of pints and you're like, why all of a
sudden I'm in Little Lily. You know, if you, if you don't
think about where you're walking when you've had a couple of
drinks in Belfast, you by default end up in Little Lily.
Mommy, it will go fuck Lily. And for some reason it's the
most complicated order system in the world, but you always manage
to get what you need. I love it.
Why did I start saying that? Oh yeah, because there's a
sweetie van outside Little Italy.
And like, college, college. I don't know where it is, but I
went to it one day just on my way through city centre.
I was like, maybe I'll get some Dolly mixtures.
And there was like an old guy there selling the sweets and I
went, all right, mate, can I get some Dolly mixtures?
And he's like, what? Like how much?
And I said, I don't know, 50 PS worth.
And he goes, that's not how it works.
Like, do you want to pound the sweets?
Do you want like, you know, an ounce or whatever?
And I was like, I'm, I'm 30, you know what I mean?
Like, I'm, I'm not from Victorian times.
So how about I just give you the money and you give me the
equivalent. And he, like, gave me the
dirtiest look, took my money, closed the van door and then
just opened the hand, came in and he's like, there you go.
I was like, I'm so sorry. I don't operate in prehistoric
measurements. I'm sorry.
Yeah. At the end of the day, you took
my point. You know what I mean?
He wasn't like, that'll be a hit me.
And I know it always sounded like people were skin when
they're like, you know, it was a hit me for an egg or whatever.
No one ever, like no one ever bought anything for like 50 hit
me. It was always a single
measurement of that fucking Victoria.
Victorian people were definitely weird.
Like I remember on the on Radio Ulster, me and Dave used to do a
thing called Quacks where it was like Dave would give me a fact
and I would decide whether it was true or not.
And one thing he said was, and I don't know where he got this
from because it wasn't true, but he said that Victorian parents
used to used to dress or used to dress their children every day
as miniature adults. And I have always like, it
wasn't true. But it's always stuck in my head
as like, that's something those Victorians would do because
they're weird. Like all Victorian people were
weird. Like all the men had those
moustaches. Like they wore suits like
day-to-day. And that's OK if you're like a,
you know, an 83 year old pensioner who wears a suit every
day. In fact, I like to say it
sometimes though, it's, you know, we put on like a, you
know, you could, what you could wear like a tracksuit or
whatever. You know, some guys like, oh,
every day, you know, Mr Mr Winters there puts on a three
piece suit to go down. You got a pint of milk and
you're like, I know, for fuck's sake, put a tracksuit.
I'm going to relax and put on a eviler tracksuit and head.
Like when I'm old and there's no way I'm wearing a suit.
Like even now, this is me. Like I'm wearing jeans today.
This is me formally dressed for lockdown.
I just wear shorts every day. I'm like a loyalist in the mid
90s just wearing shorts. That's all loyalists did, wore
white shorts. And then the late 90s, early
90s, they found the fashion brand Replay, and that's niche.
That's so neat. But there's four listeners going
100% know what you're talking. Like, I get it, Replay.
There was another brand as well. All the loyalist guys were
replay and now Crosshatch came later.
There was another, there was like replay and there was this
other one. I can't remember, but umm, by
the way, when I have a tea on the podcast, I tell you where I
get it from because we record in Hollywood.
We're in the heart of Hollywood right now.
What a great place to be. We get tea from we've had
humbird, we've had Bay tree, we've had edge or coffee yard
today. And what I appreciate there is I
went in, you guys, you guys know I can't have gluten, I can't
have dairy or I will die. And, and instantly and I walked
in and they do this Chia Bada Turkey thing with cranberry.
It's like they're big thing. Like Dan, you're not from
Hollywood, me and my car and like, you don't know about this,
but next time you come down, you have to get it.
It's Chia Bada with like a couple of wee sausages, couple
of thick slices of Turkey and then a bit of cranberry.
And I went in and I was like, can I just could I just have a
couple of slices of Turkey? My dad is a very Victorian thing
to do to just order slices of Turkey.
And but yeah, I loved it. So showed it the coffee or I
mean the charge me for it. But but I I had sometimes I
laugh and people say a price after that you, you joker.
But no, I'm only joking. But yeah, what is disrespectful
is I was really late to the podcast and then I just
proceeded the set and eight slices of Turkey like a
Victoria, like Henry the eighth, essentially.
And then I pointed out to the guys, I was like, listen, the
reason I'm doing this, I wouldn't be doing this if it
wasn't an emergency. Because last week, here's the
thing, I have my breakfast at about half seven.
I have my lunch at like 12, half 12, dinner at half five, same
routine roughly every day. Last week we were doing the
podcast or the week before and I didn't have lunch until I hadn't
eaten at about half two and I was on my way home, my way home
and I thought my Crohn's disease was playing up and I thought I
was having a flare up. I was going to have to go to
hospital. Went home, laid down on the
sofa. My wife was like, are you OK?
I was like, no, I think I'm getting sick again.
I also thought maybe I had coughed.
And then my wife was like, when did you eat last?
I was like 7 this morning. She goes, do you want me to make
you something? I was like, I probably won't be
able to eat it, but yeah. And she made me like a Turkey, a
tuna sandwich, and I had three bites of it.
And I was like, all right, I don't know what Crohn's it was
actually hunger. And that was when I realised I
have never actually, I realised I'm living a good life because
for at least a decade I didn't remember what it was like to
feel hungry. So because people go stay
hungry, that's a good lesson for life.
It's not because I was hungry for about 30 seconds and nearly
died. And by the way, that was the
granny clip. It sounded for a second like
there might have been porn preloaded on my phone, just so
people know. So before we get on, there's
it's a silly podcast today. There's a couple of things I
want to do. I said I'm going to watch a
couple of videos. But before we move on,
manscaped.com, Manscape and AT with me sponsor for a couple of
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We're grateful for that. Manscaped is the perfect gift
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It's a it's something that I use, Dan uses, Mike doesn't use.
Yeah, but we're going to get them sorted out.
Although to be fair, it is a Victorian myth kind of that, you
know, if you do consume a lot of chocolate, it actually takes
care of your pubic hair anyway. So he's I can see right now he
balls a coat down here. It actually looks actually looks
like he looks like the lead singer of Right Said Fred is
doing a concert and I'm watching on a drone.
It actually looks like an MI 5 doing surveillance on Johnny at
there in the late 90s and he's just standing in a field by
himself with nothing on but a better replay sliders.
And hold on, hold on guys. We've got some news there on
something that will become clear to the wider world at some point
soon. But let's just say it's good
news for everybody. We're going to keep eating.
We're going to it means Turkey for everyone.
All right, Turkey for everyone. Dan, make a note.
That's the name of this week's podcast, Turkey for everyone,
manscape.com, Manscape Lawnmower 3.0.
You shave down there, it's the best shave you'll have.
I kind of do need to use my product again quite soon because
I would let things slip there. But they have loads of other
stuff as well, like ball wipes. Now, they wouldn't have that in
Victorian times. They would have been, you know,
someone would go, oh, if you want to have fresh balls.
So they wouldn't have called them.
If you want to have fresh marbles, they would have said,
you know, cut a potato in half and and you know, rub it under
your uncle's arm and then rub it on your pubis area and you will
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What was I, what was it Turkey for all.
Yeah, OK, right. So I want to, I want to watch
something. Basically it's been doing the
rounds. It's a it's a video of a sports
reporter in Ghana and in Ghana and he's reading out the
premiership football results. I've been sent this from a lot
of people. I've seen a couple of seconds of
it, but I was like, let me not watch the full thing until we do
the podcast because you will get my natural reaction to it.
So I'm going to guess that the guy maybe knows like the main
teams, but there's teams in the Premier League that like, if you
didn't really, if you only followed football a bit, you
wouldn't know, for example, West Bromwich Albion, you wouldn't
know Sheffield United. And I feel like he has done no
research into this. And also let me just prefix this
by saying that he knows pretty much all of it.
But if you said to me, I don't know what, what does anyone know
what language they speak in Ghana?
Ghana, Probably not right? Probably just disrespectful to
our one Canadian listener. But then I did French in school
for so long. I did Spanish for so long, I I
can't. To learn a language is amazing.
So what I'm saying is if you ask me to read out the football
scores on Ghanaian television in potentially Ghanaian, I would
not make a good stab at it. So this guy has done a million
times better than me. Also, let's just point out he's
wearing a tuxedo for absolutely no reason.
So here we go. Now football English Premier
League. Funniest thing to me about the
whole thing is he has a bottle of fat orange.
Could you imagine? This is the BBC News at 10:00
mark Austin the bottle of Doctor Pepper.
It undermines the news 7000 people have died.
You. Can't.
You could have a glass of water, but you can't, you can't have a
big bottle. Just chug.
OK, here we go. Here we go.
So I'm going to guess he doesn't know all the football teams and
he hasn't researched this beforehand.
So he just has a go. And I commend anybody who has a
go. One Manchester United.
Killed it. Killed it.
Chris is a Palace 4 please United 1.
Good solace. Love that.
Sun Sunday. West Bromwich Albion. 1.
He puts 4 Spurs on Tottenham Hotspurs.
This is like any time I have to read when someone texts in the
radio showing their names in Irish, I'm like,
it's like, it's like he falls during the night.
Manchester. I mean, what a complete legend.
Like, there's nothing I don't love about that.
The fact that he's got the tuxedo on, he's got the bottle
of Fanta, and he's like, let's just get into it.
That guy's a hero. What a guy.
And I hope that like, yeah, I would hope that like companies
like, say, Paddy Power, for example, or like big sort of
sporting companies need to get that guy to do some work because
I just love it. I love that He could have sat
down and taken a minute and gone like, can I just double check
what this is here? But he no, he was too busy
drinking down his Fanta. He's like, fuck it, It'll be all
right in the night and it is it was not all right in the night.
I I enjoy that so much. I enjoy that so much.
Let's do some listeners questions.
So you know, we've got some on Twitter and some on Instagram.
Let me plug the Patreon as well while I'm loading these Patreon
dot com slash tea with me podcast.
We're doing a live episode once a month over zoom.
Everyone who supports it gets a link like an hour before we
record. Lineups have been insane.
We had Ryan McMullen, Mickey Bartlett, Jimmy Lee O'Donnell
for the first one. For the second one we had Dave
Elliott was that second one, Dave Elliott, Karen Bartlett and
for for last night's we had Owen Colgan from the Hardy Box and
Aaron McCann and and we just threw it open.
There's a chat bar open during it.
People listen and consent questions and react to what's
happening. Everyone's pointing off each
other. Last night was dynamite.
It felt there's always a thing I have of like because I'm not
actually going out to do any work or performing.
Then I always get like a on the day, like not stressed out, but
I'm like flip this is coming, like I get worried about it or
something. Then whenever you do it for like
1 minute, I'm like, this feed is like doing a gig again.
And especially when like because I haven't seen Aaron McCann and
who I would see regularly and seen him in so long.
So we were just giving it's a it was so much fun.
And so cheers to everyone who got involved.
Patreon, the com session TV with me podcast me and Dan do an
episode once a week. You get a bonus episode on a
Monday. I have a hour long stand up
special that's exclusively on Patreon and we're going to be
adding loads more stuff to it so so do check that out.
Patrick Neal says talk about racing pigeons in light of this
and he sent me a link to a news story.
Belgian racing pigeon New chem sells for record 1.4 million in
mystery bidding war. I mean, if you had to ask me the
golden price of a pigeon, I'd have said about 40P.
A female racing pigeon from Belgium called New Kim has been
sold for a record 1.4 million. The mystery Chinese buyer at an
online auction. Well, let me tell you, see, if
you took that Chinese guy to like Royal Ave, he'd forget.
He'd have a heart attack. He would you, you would go like,
listen, come to Mecca, you know what I mean?
Because they love it. And the thing as well is like,
they're unique because they're Belfast pigeons, you know what I
mean? Like like Trafalgar Square, you
run up the pigeons and shit themselves, fly away, you run up
their Belfast pigeon to shoot away.
And he's like, all right, bro, what's happening bro?
Who the fuck are you chasing that cat?
Who the fuck are you chasing now?
Fucking shaking your head, you twat.
Do a frantic 2 two week auction. Someone under the pseudonym
Super Duper drove up the price. Super and Super Duper and Hitman
were bidden. Super this is This is a Sky News
story. Super Duper got the bird and is
said to be the same wealthy Chinese industrialist who
already has male pigeon Armando dubbed the Lewis Hamilton of the
sport. There's a pigeon knocking about
and people won't listen. He's the Lewis Hamilton, the
pigeons. He sold for 1.25 million last
year and has thought both birds may be used by the unnamed buyer
for breeding. What the fuck is this market
for? Like unreal pigeons but what do
they do? Why a recent pigeon?
But like I don't think that's a billion dollar industry.
I think it's like 7 lads down the Newtownard Rd who have a
couple at the back. Everyone is interested in our
pigeon. Said Pascal, bogging again.
Football commentator would fucking wipe the floor with me
when it comes to brides and stuff I hadn't seen before.
Pascal Boden, game head of the Belgian pigeon federation.
Who's a big Tottenham Hotspur? Spurs.
Spurs spam. Yeah, I don't even.
I don't know. I don't, I don't know what to
say but that apart from the fact that I'm going to start catching
pigeons in an ethical way and selling them.
Rory Arkins Who Will Win the Premier League?
Probably Liverpool, but I'd love it if a mad team like Aston
Villa or Wolves won. I would love that.
Sean Webb. Christmas food.
Men's pies. Yes or no?
And why are they called men's pies?
Is it not more of a chutney? If they were N nice at all we'd
eat them all year round. Same for Turkey.
Turkey isn't great but we eat it once a year.
See also Christmas cake. Totally rancid.
Sean, that's a lot of hate speech there.
The only thing I'd say about Turkey is Turkey is good Turkey.
I just had two slices of it with a little bit of cranberry and I
and I really enjoyed it. I don't I don't go in on mince
pies at all. I think mince pies should be
left in a bygone era. I don't think we should still be
eating mince pies in 20. Do you guys eat mint?
But that, like Mike said, yeah, in a fairly calm way down there,
fell back off his chair and gnawed at me with such bigger
enthusiasm. Do you have a business that
sells mince? But dams at artisanal mince
pies? Umm, what do they taste of?
It's not mince or something. It's not mincemeats fruit.
It's like spice fruit. Nah, Nah, I don't know.
Same for Turkey. Turkey isn't good.
Yeah, you wouldn't want Turkey every week, but I like, I like.
I had a Turkey burger last night.
I'll turn in. I'm not.
You've had it twice in two days. Yeah.
Turn into a Turkey. Fergus Kun for three hours to
get into Primark and then buying a three-point T-shirt.
Are these people the problem? I think it's one of those things
where like people see it as like an experience going to Primark,
you know, it's a bit of fun. You can go in with a £20 note
and come out with a new wardrobe.
And so people probably it's massive as well.
So people probably miss that like walking around a shop,
trying things on, holding it up. What do you think of this here?
And I don't know why I get so camp when I go, when I go
shopping. But them, are these people the
problem? No, they're not the problem.
The executive or the problem. I think because I've read that
on Facebook. I don't, I don't even know what
an executive is, but I think that they're bad.
I don't know. I just know.
I just know that with like I just know everybody queuing up
outside Primark. You're not doing anything wrong
by doing that, because if it's open then.
Why Nokia, you want to go? You shouldn't be punished
because you decide to go, because loads of people also
decided to go there. You should have the common sense
to at the minute social distance and stay, stay a little bit
apart. But at the same time, you know
you don't want someone to beat you to that fucking Doctor Dre
Chronic T-shirt. You know you don't.
You don't want someone to beat you to those Avengers slippers,
so people are just trying to get in quick.
Are these people the problem? No, they're not.
Would I queue for six miles for a three-point T-shirt?
I would not. Would I buy one online if I
thought it would queue on me? Yes, Sarah says.
Where's the best place to do a gig in?
I mean, at the minute I would. I would gig anywhere obviously,
but the best place to gig in. Well, I think we can talk a bit
more in depth about this on the next episode.
Maybe give time people to check it out.
If you want to go watch it, there's a documentary on at the
minute. It's actually on Sky, Sky
documentaries. So if you have Sky, you'll get
it and it's called, It's like the Comedy Store.
It's a documentary about the Comedy Store in LA, which is the
world's most famous comedy club. I was the first episode last
night. It is absolutely incredible,
especially as a stand up. It's so like bittersweet
watching it because you're watching the club that all these
people came through like Richard Pryor, Jim Carrey.
I mean, there's not many. I can't think off top my head of
specific ones, but everybody went there and Robin Williams,
so many. And like we went, me and Mike
went. I've been a couple of times when
I've been over over stateside and to to the Comedy Store.
And like the night we went, we paid something like $15, which
is like, I don't know, 11 quid, £10 And we saw, we saw maybe 10
acts and all that 10 about 7 or like stadium comedians out
there, you know who's on. We were there, Joe Rogan, Joe
Rogan Crystallia Careful. Bobby Lee, who's by far the
best. There was not many Argus
Hammond. He features in the documentary
Argus Hammond. I mean, it will, it's so good.
But as a comedian, it made me like, oh God.
So I really do want to play the Comedy Store at some point in my
career. And the best place that I've
done a gig in purely for the feeling it gave me was the Laugh
Factory in Chicago. Because it's probably like, it's
probably the in the next level of iconic clubs in America.
Like the Comedy Store is like top level, but Laugh Factory is
very, very, very good. And the one in LA is like one of
the top clubs I played in the Chicago one, which was brilliant
and has the proper like Laugh. I didn't think it would have
that. Like they all have the same
background, like the Laugh Factory background.
I did a gig. I did 4 spots, 4 shows there,
two were good one I didn't do that well on and another one I
had one of the best gigs ever in my life and some of the some of
the clips from other on YouTube so that was incredible.
Best place to do a gig in? Downstairs in the Empire is a
cracking venue that used to be where the comedy club was there
and I did a gig there as part of a pilot for the guy who runs the
Empire Comedy Club Jockey and and you could feel like the
magic of that place. So many go around my head, but
I'd say the best place to you're going to be the Comedy Store in
Lai. Don't know what the lay of the
land will be like after this, but I'm not sure The the other
time where I've been like this is mental was the Stand in New
York run by just the nicest guy in the world.
That's what made it so good. Like the guy who runs it, just a
complete gentleman, a guy called Chris.
And that was brilliant because the comedian like the New York
comedians wouldn't be as like household name as much as the LA
comedians, but they're they would be considered like
probably a stronger stand up scene.
So that was Class 2. Ryan got.
How long? How long have you been gone for?
Roughly 44. Ryan Galway says who would win
and who would play Arlene Foster and Michelle O'Neill in a movie?
The Chocolate Brothers, maybe. You know, one of those dead.
One of them is dead. Oh, God.
Bring in news. Yeah.
One of the Chocolate brothers dead.
RIP. You hear there was a real
incident at his funeral. They kept dropping the cough.
You've never been waiting for something to happen at that
funeral, you know what I mean? They're all like Solomon, all
carrot, and then you're just expecting the big one.
They're like bananas. So Sly or AP.
Who would play them in a movie? I mean, first of all, it's not a
movie I want to see. I don't want to be reminded of
anything that has gone on recently, but I would say
honestly, probably me and Dave, I'd say me and Dave would do a
really good job. Morgan, what do you think of
white Christmas trees? Umm, yeah.
We used to have a white Christmas tree in the house.
Yeah, yeah. White Christmas trees are fun,
you know. I mean, they're not like,
they're not conventional. They're not like they're a
little bit taboo, you know, but they're they're cheeky.
Definitely. Yeah.
I like, I like a white Christmas tree.
It's a bit of fun. As long as you have a green one
on the House too. If you can have a white one as,
as your secondary one, like if you have just a white Christmas
tree, chances are you sell drugs.
But if you have a white one as like a wee backup on 100%, Phil
says bit of an old one. I know you're a football shirt
fan. Would you take a retro Carrick
Rangers shirt if I sent it to you somehow?
It's a much worn large 2003 Daily Mirror Trophy final shirt.
Phil, let me see. Yes, 100% I love Irish league
football shirts. This will go in my if this is a
genuine offer, I would love it. I'll send you our our like
postal address and that'll be class.
I'll maybe wear it for a podcast because I've got Newry City,
Dungalon, Swifts ported down that may Cliftonville that might
be all out. But like, I'd love to get a
shirt from every Irish League club that be class.
Yeah, that it's sponsored by Quality Hotel, which I like.
I don't know if that was in Carrick or whatever, it's still
knocking about, but I would like to read some reviews.
Yeah, if that is a genuine gesture, that's really nice.
And I would, I would, I would take that definitely.
Thanks. Hashtags and stuff.
Definitely. Paul Doherty says do you get
road rage? I think you'd be too cool and
calm to Paul. Thanks, but you're wrong because
I am a fucking bitch. I'm a demented bitch.
But if I have passengers, you're right, I'm cool and calm.
I it depends. Here's the thing.
Let me rephrase that. If my wife and child are in the
car, I'm Ned Flanders, Ugly dokly neighbour, you know,
waving people through. Yeah.
Glad you run into the back of me.
It's fine. I'll pay for it.
But if I'm in the car with me, other males, that testosterone
throws a boy and I get very, very angry.
I'm that old man. Yeah.
He's on a Lolliard Rd because he was telling us about the
diversion. You went down your window and
started, right? Yes.
Yeah, I do remember that. Thank you.
Here's the thing. I don't get angry, but I get
like, excuse me, catty, Catty. I get catty.
I get cats later. I definitely like like, here's
the thing, right? The most common thing is people.
I drive bang on the speed limit. If I'm in a 30, I'm driving 30.
I'll not drive 25. I'll not drive 35.
I'll drive 30. You always get a car right up
behind you, behind you the whole way.
So what I'll do first of all is I'll put the hazards on just for
a second. I'm letting you know that
there's a hazard and the hazard is you're null .3 centimetres
from the back of my car. So if I were to brake for, I
don't know, a fucking rabbit running across the road, you're
going to go in the me, you're going to cause an accident to me
and yourself. Then what I'm going to do is if
you don't go back, I'm going to brake gradually, just a little
bit, not in an unsafe way. I'm going to brake and I'm going
to take the speed down to, I don't know, from 30 to, I don't
know, maybe 7. I'm going to go, I'm going to go
so unbelievably slow. And then after a minute I'm
going to speed back up in 30. And you're going to be like,
fucking wonder what that was all, but you're going to close
again. And then I'm going to go back
down to seven, come back down to 7 minutes.
And I will do this until you eventually get a lane that you
can go round me. And when you go round me and you
go to look at me like, what the hell are you doing?
You know what I'm going to be doing?
I'm going to stick my tongue right at you.
I'm going to blow you a kiss because it's a little bit of fun
that I like to have if I can do it in a Safeway.
And me and Mike were driving somewhere recently.
We're going through the old Hollywood Rd, which is the road
that I was born and raised on. So I don't need anybody telling
me what way to go or what's what in that part of the world.
And there was a road close sign, I think we didn't know how far
that went or were we trying to turn?
We didn't know how far up was going to go.
And we didn't need to go the full way up the road.
So I was like, maybe we'll be fine.
This old fucking guy, fucking this sort of, yeah.
He was wearing a suit to go for a pint of milk.
And I think about it, this kind of guy, he wasn't, he wasn't an
old man, but he was an older gentleman.
And he saw us drive past and he looked at us like we had two
heads. And he goes, yeah, the road's
closed. Oh, I see the road closing, Sir.
I see it because it's massive. So I do AU turn.
I've got to drive past them. Anyway, I wind the window down.
I say to Mike, this will be enjoyable.
And I say to the guy, is the road closed, mate?
And he goes, yes, there's signs up everywhere.
And I go, oh, thank you. So that's what kind of driver I
am. And then I waited till he was
crossing the road and I sent him up, up in the air.
Philip Ness. But if you can make your own
money toward Advent calendar, what kind of surprises would
there be for Christmas coming down?
Oh, Turkey for everyone. Bind every door there's there's
a slice of Turkey. Oh, that's a class advent
calendar. But if you open your advent
calendar in the morning, you wouldn't want that.
You don't want Turkey in the morning.
Once is a novelty. OK, it's fun.
Not every morning, definitely not.
Eh, no, I said semi topics and Neela sent me a picture of a
topic chocolate bar. Get a life.
Orla Graham.
Hi, Shane. Who will be looking after the
children of Boy Town over the festive season?
Does mommy and daddy have joined custody or could we have a
family together for a Christmas special?
Think of the chair, Orla. I enjoy that message greatly.
No, there's been a divorce. It was unlikeable.
There can't be a Christmas special because Boy Town was
just left where it was left. And I think it's nice to go out
on a good note because if mommy and daddy get back together
again, you want to see Caddy, you'll get Caddy.
I'll scrub his face. He'll spit on me.
You know, it'll be the it'll go back to the way it was.
So I think for the sake of Dave Elliott and I's friendship that
at the minute, quite frankly, is hanging on by a thread, I think
it'll be a lot better if we did not do a Christmas special.
And also I will be having the children because everybody knows
children need their mothers. Hannah Parker Eh, OK, it's not a
podcast question. Cool.
George Light body hood win, 100 metre Sprint.
Jim Allister or Sammy Wilson. Fuck, you need to have, you need
to have long coverage for that because it wouldn't be like a
quick job. Sammy Wilson's the younger guy,
but Jim Allister, I think if he put his mind like Jim's so
stubborn that I think if Jim Allister, if you were to say Jim
Allister like you do a running race and he had a week to
prepare, I think he's that single minded that he would
break the 100 metre right break UCM bolt record.
He'd be like, yes, I'm going to do it and I'm going to do it for
unionism, you know. So I definitely backed Jim to do
it. Sammy seems like Sammy seems
like a sort of guy who's never sprinted in his life, but he
would do like a little it's like the equivalent of a power walk,
but he would work his arms. You know what I mean?
Like Sammy Wilson always some, you know, the sort of run like
you'll see like a dad be like, I need to need to go to the toilet
here, drop, drop my kids off. And then they'll do like a wee
elbows out kind of like run with their tongue.
Sammy Wilson would go at that speed just 24/7.
Matthew Merlin, What day do you put in your tree up?
And I like to go somewhere around like 5th, 6th, 7th of
December feels socially acceptable to me.
But everyone's done earlier this year.
So there's been there's been some talks in our house and the
agreed time is I think the 1st of December.
So done pretty soon. Your trip.
It's been up since second week in November.
It's been up since the second week in November.
Yeah. No.
What date is it now? I don't know, 23rd, 23rd, It's
been for two weeks. Wow.
Was it just like covert thing? You're like, fuck it, let's have
something nice to look at. Big difference.
You like it. It generally lifts your mood.
But then I worry that like you could sit by the time Christmas
comes around and not be as special because then everybody
else kind of gets on board. I don't know.
That's good that no. No.
Do you put a tray up? No, no, no with your religious
place. You guys don't do Christmas
right, Bradley Todd says no relation.
What did you think of the results in the Prem this week?
I don't know why. I just find that a really funny
question. And let's ask our Ghanaian
football expert, what do I think of the results?
And I wanted Leeds to beat Arsenal, which they didn't.
I watched the Man United match. It was crap.
I preferred if Leicester had a beaten.
I wasn't happy with the results this week.
Patrick Quinn, how's the BGIC Belfast guy in China?
How's the gym training coming along?
You've made great progress so far.
Have you had to make significant changes to your diet habits or
has it all come easily enough? Well, Patrick, I know you're a
guy from Northern Ireland. You're just a Belfast guy in
China. But because you're in China,
whenever you said you've made great progress so far, I heard
that in my head. I hope this is OK to say as Mr
Miagi, if you need your car cleaned, I'll wax it and that's
not a code. Thanks for the question, man.
The, the gym training is going really good, but gyms are going
to close, which I think is the right decision because everybody
knows that to beat COVID or to, to manage the symptoms better,
you need to be fit and healthy. So I think it's a great idea to
to close gyms and anywhere where you could physically better
yourself. I think that's a great call.
Well, let's just stay at home and, you know, get unhealthier.
So I'm enjoying the gym while I can still get to it.
But then I kind of like trained at home as well, so I've got to
move. All my stuff is like locked
outside in like a locker thing, So in the in the driveway.
So I need to move it into the house and then I'm going to work
out in the house. But I don't know about that
because then what if my baby's sleeping and I can't make the
like you like they make a little bit of noise.
Obviously when you work out, like sometimes you have the
headphones and you don't know, like whenever I even do a warm
up set, like whenever I curl like a bar with no weights on
it. I still like that.
You know, when I'm in the gym, give it a, you know, I every Rep
just come on. Why does nobody really like me?
You know, I like their just get the Rep noise in.
So it's definitely weird changes to my diet.
No, because I always have this weird strict healthy diet
because of my Crohn's disease anyway, and that just suits the
training. Has it come easily enough?
Changing my diet kind of has because I can be, I'm weirdly
disciplined like that. But actually putting on like
size and a bit of muscle definitely does not come easily
enough. Like, it's so difficult for me
to not just be like a skinny guy.
And at the minute I'm probably just a skinny guy with a little
bit of muscle on him. So it doesn't come easy enough,
but I like putting in the work to make it happen.
What do you think of that? And thank you very much, Mr
Mihagi, for that. I was thinking about a line from
Karate Kid, but nothing was coming to mind.
Cobra guy, I don't know, Evan, Evan Barry says.
Did you cry much after the Northern Ireland team lost to
Slovakia? I didn't cry at all, but I was
sad. And what I love is that I think
you're just like a cool young guy.
But Evan Barry sounds like the name of an 87 year old guy who
would who would be a backup or on player for the wolf tones.
And I enjoyed that a lot. Sir, thank you for the question
that I cry. No, but I was, I was sad.
I was like me, you know, like a wee bit when I was driving home
was like a bit sad because if Northern Ireland had to go under
the EUR, you know, hopefully I would have been there making
some videos. So a little bit sly, Matt says
what's the worst? What's the worst place you've
ever gone for a shit cup of tea? Mine was Musgrave PlayStation.
I've never gone anywhere for a shit cup of tea.
What can I get you? All right, mate, Can I have a
tea and do me a favour and make it stinking?
What way do you like it bogging? Yeah.
Musgrave PlayStation. Yeah.
Oh, that's weird that they didn't treat you to a barista
experience. I don't know, I can't remember.
Like a really Tine Castle Hearts football stadium on a fucking
stinking cup of tea. Really bad.
Or rifle through these LO Hagan. Is there going to be any more
big comedy nights like the roast in December?
Yeah. So by the way, let me point out
the comedy wrote the She and Todd comedy roast that we're
doing in the limelight isn't like our roast bottle.
It's just like a way of putting on a comedy.
I thought that sounded cool. I thought we can make a nice
poster if you want. Everyone could say a mean thing
about me. That'll be fine.
And is there going to be any more?
I mean, I don't want to be. What's the word?
I'd be happy to just do the ones that we have.
We've changed the dates, everyone should know that
there's new dates or your tickets are valid.
But we do want to put on more. But that might just be greedy.
If you get me. I just would be happy to do the
shows that we have. But the idea is to yes, add a
couple more in different dates. So I'll post about that.
Of course, if if we are able to do that.
Two more questions. Jason Moffett, your opinion on
Radio 1 refusing to play The Pogues this year?
Do you not want them to offend people?
Umm, my opinion is I like the song a lot.
It's one of the only Christmas songs actually enjoy.
Umm. Do I think it should be played
on radio? I think it should, but then I
can. Are you not just playing an
edited version? I thought it said the one
playing the original version, meaning there was a cover that
we're going to play or something.
I don't know. Is it a word that offends
people? Yes, is is that like a
justifiable yes, it's not like scumbag.
You might get you cheap Lacy faggot like a word that
definitely people will have been called in real bad situations,
hurtful word, but so I can say it should be played the real
full version of the course. It should, but then like, no,
you know what I mean? Like it's like it's not a word
that you're going to use in a hitful way really against me.
So I don't know. My opinion is that like a song,
I think it should be played. But then I could easily hear an
argument for someone. Again, I don't know, to me, it's
it's a song, it's music. And it's like, OK, that's just
maybe it's the same thing for me where, you know, they'll be
like, oh, we're at it in this Disney film because this thing
happened and, you know, nowadays and it's like, well, I think
it's sometimes better to put the original thing.
It's just my view to put the original thing out, keep it the
way it was. And then you can use that as a
way to be like, but we don't do that anymore, you know, like a
like deleting an episode of a sitcom because there was a
stereotypical character in it or whatever.
If you delete things or whatever, it drives the, it kind
of drives this like cool factor or popularity above it.
And some people where they're like, you know, if they're
playing the editor version, so many people are going to be
like, I need to get my hands on the real version, you know, and
they'll get even more into that. Whereas if you just leave it,
maybe it's less of a thing. I don't know.
Mark Kyle says, do you prefer recording in a studio or at home
with a wee blanket around your knees?
I mean, if your camera pans don't have a camera on my knees,
right, or a blanket on my knees right now, fucked that up.
I prefer recording in the studio because it feels more like
you're like at work, you know what I mean?
I mean, it was just fun. Like I'm going home now to like
right now to do an episode at 4:00 at home.
But I like to know in the studio, it's more normality.
It feels like this is the normal thing that we do.
So I think we'll just do as many here as we possibly can, try and
bank some here as well. We can roll those out around and
then run up to Christmas time if, if rules change.
But yeah, I, I enjoy doing it more here because as well as
that, if I do in the house, I get distracted by something.
You know, someone's making a great point on a Zoom, like a
real serious interview. And then over the corner of my
eye, you know, we live beside a building site and I see a big
building bomb. And I'm like, how does he not
know? How is how is the rain not
getting into his bottom, you know?
So whereas here it's just Mike there who's I can see it.
But in fact, I could say a lot more if you could take us up.
Thank you. So yeah, I'd probably prefer you
you're there. I don't know why.
But anyway. And Sipper's been a rough, fun
episode of the podcast. I love doing solo episodes as
much as I love doing guest ones. I'm about to record with a guest
right now at home and I think you'll really enjoy that
episode. I tried to get this guy for a
while. We've got him.
Should be a nice time. patreon.com/tea with me podcast,
manscape.com. Great Christmas present idea.
You just go Tea with me for 20% off and free shipping.
And this film, this film by Big Mike, who's my michaelfoster.tv,
Michael Foster, middle name Dot surname TV.
And so you can book him for if you want him to, if you are, if
you've been learning Kung Fu martial arts over lockdown, you
want to do like your own just for yourself.
You want to do like a video of you fucking like kicking stuff
in the back garden or whatever. Speak to him if you are.
What like would you? Is there anything you won't do?
No, he'll do it all. He'll do it all put it that way
and and actually download some stuff for him recently that
let's just say I hope he puts it on the Patreon, but I don't know
if he can. So thanks very much.
Hopefully also next week I'll have the arms with my chair fix
because I don't understand how the screw works like we bought
this with the Patreon money. This really class purple gaming
chair, but then the I don't know how to put that in.
So I have to go because I'm doing an episode with a really
cool guest. So I don't know, maybe if anyone
has the time, they could have a look at this because I certainly
couldn't. And we've got this purple lead
as well, which we got Patreon money.
So zippers, I'm out. Thanks very much for listening
and watching. All the episodes go on YouTube
too. If you want to subscribe to
YouTube channel, you can. If you want to subscribe to the
podcast on Apple Podcasts and all the podcast things, you can,
you can do that too. And it's a good time to tell
your friends. It's growing all the time and
that's always good. But something that's growing all
the time. Victorian people are weird.
Take it easy, Turkey for everyone.
Trump 2020, and we're talking about that, by the way.
I think he lost and I think he should just talk to him about
it. I don't know.