I like a great Uncle Bobby. He had no legs.
Sure he didn't, or he had them but didn't work.
That's a stark difference. Then he had no legs.
I can't remember those songs. I can't remember Night Granny.
Yeah. Granny Bobby.
No, Granny had two legs. The boy have two legs.
Yeah. You sure?
No. Zippers, welcome to this episode
of the Tea With Me podcast. With me, your we mate, she and
Todd, before we get into this episode, I need to tell you
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test tea and this great product. This week's episode of the Team
with me podcast is a much asked for episode.
It is a Part 2 episode. You do one of those pods where
you finish and go. There's so much more we need to
talk about. So we had to we had to run it
back and we had to do it like a heavyweight boxing match that
that was just a slope. This is the the the first Fury
and Wilder of podcasts. My guests are none other than
stand up comedian, actor and father Dave Elliot and my actual
father, Dennis. He's back, he's back the pod
superstar and and Dave Elliot, you know, he's pretend to be
nervous and after doing the pod last time, getting all sorts
offers. Will your dad come on this
podcast? Go on that one.
Why? You'll be talking about offers.
I think it was you, Don and Michael, when I was leaving, you
said, am I on social media? And I said yeah, He says you're
going to be tortured. I made a presumption that the
ladies would be torture me wrong for something.
Or maybe it's just shy. Were you getting?
What sort of message are you getting people from the old
days? Oh no, no new ones like a you
getting #3 what? You getting Dick pics?
Not yet. Oh, is that the American bar?
Yes. See a couple of guys and.
Stand up beaming. Thanks for thanks for messaging
me. It was 2 comedians.
Chris Kenton You wouldn't see Mickey, didn't you?
Yes, yes. And two times there was three
girls there and look upon them as my groupies now, right?
And you give them a shout out. Yes, because the body you coke
didn't. Yes.
Did you get a coke the second time as well?
No. I offered to buy the set, No.
No. So you've been on a podcast once
a day. A Coke or.
Ah yeah yeah, been on a podcast once and he's off.
He's buying rounds and nights out and treating their ladies.
No, they they made the right decision.
They said we're going to the Wall Garden and banger to see
it. I said I'll get you then.
It's the price of a drink at the Wall Garden.
Right compare. I should have got it.
Here's bring your own wall garden.
That's that's, that's a player right there.
I'll square you up with the wall garden.
And smart. I was expect.
I was expecting a shirt. You're very.
This is so comfortable. You are.
You say you're nervous. You're in your arms here.
I didn't. Know how to get doled up or just
come like guess here some 2 minds.
Did you get hurt? You can.
You were trying to get an emergency haircut before you
came on. Because it's not Coco.
I didn't know it could be a blonder.
Yeah, I didn't want to take a challenge.
Remember we went to, we used to go to Gary's when it was down
Shore Rd. Yeah, yeah.
And remember, do you remember there was a young guy cut my
hair and he was really nervous. This guy was like his first time
cutting her. I remember he cut my ear.
Yeah, he like cut my ear and was blood pumping into my ear.
And he just continued. To cut his defence is hard to
miss. I mean, there's just you have to
get behind it to cut the hair, you know, strapped back, didn't
you? When he was younger, Yeah.
No, then I mean your strapped back I mean.
Strapped, he said. He kept them when you were
kidding. You just sell tape from the back
here for the best. Servers let me take one minute
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The link is in the description. Back to the episode.
Because then when you were a wee boy, you looked like Nosferatu.
You had the teeth in the ears. You need to try to plus put it
all back in. Plus, I forgot we're both.
I have one in the back of my head.
Yeah. It's like a, you know, a bump,
but his is more pronounced. Yeah, you know, it was what you
call elongated your head. Elongated head.
Yeah, that's what they call me elongated.
Head, you're like a fish. You're like quite normal this
way, you turn side. But yeah, you did the poll and
that people loved it. Are you getting people coming up
and saying to you about it? Yeah, yeah.
So we went to the fight. Medians Boxing.
Yeah, Was that a week? Week after, I think, yeah.
We got McDonald ball, gotten selfies with the chicks,
couldn't get anybody to punch me.
Nobody, Nobody had punched me. Still obsessed with the punch in
the stomach. But then you were at those last
week. What do you say to me?
I think my pet, I said. Oh, yeah, your appendix.
You said your appendix. May burst you were.
Giving me a left home from hospital, right?
I was going for a meeting a ban the royal and I was going to
meet new consultant for the Chromes and he gave me left home
his name before but not Michael George's wedding party.
He gets in the car. What's wrong with you stomach?
Stomach not good. Not having all these pain.
They're like, have you still got an appendix?
He does. It was like, maybe your appendix
is going to burst or something and this is what you get for
years of having men punch in the stomach.
It's catching up with you. See, I'm getting excited.
We're talking about punching. So it was, I didn't know it was
appendix that that was terrible, terrible pain.
But as I've never had appendix go, I did.
I presumed that's what it might be.
See, on the last couple notes from the last podcast, we're
talking about your bad bike injury, 1981 specifically.
What were those injuries again? Because I don't think we
actually listed them on the podcast.
I broke my what's called adult toy peg.
It's about the size of your thumb.
Your skull rotates on it. And when you get hung, that's
what breaks, That's what kills you.
And it's one in a million. I didn't.
I got away with it nearly. So I got bumped started twice up
there at Dundroid and then at the Royal, you know, got the
your heart. Yeah.
Got me going. Got me going twice.
So I broke that and two legs. My right foot is mush.
It's everything's out of shape. And what else?
Collarbone, shoulder, collarbone.
And in the end, sides were turned on, turned round, upside
down. You know, they're all over the
place. Yeah, I didn't love it.
Oh well, yeah, yeah, they settled down.
You know it just went person where tit that many times.
Yeah. Do you remember?
Do you remember that? Vividly.
How did you fall off the bike? I never said I made a blunder
which I never thought I never thought I would do again.
And. Got you on a bike?
I just, yeah, going too quick. And what just lost?
Do you remember making the mistake?
Yeah, yeah. I don't remember being at the
race previous you were there. Obviously you just that was your
birthday and. Happy birthday son.
Your dad, he's all right. He's just broke, you know it
keeps your. Head on your body it's all good
son happy birthday don't worry about it your mom's all right
they give me thumbs up tomorrow are.
We surprised for you, I'm dead. The bump started by his car
breakdown. No, no, no.
The bump started him three times.
He's all right. Was there a moment that do you
remember thinking yourself, oh bollocks, was there a moment
you're like, I've really fucked it here?
What speed would you would you have been going?
Well, as usual, you know, 10 exaggerated, but it was over
100. And yeah, I've come up before
unfortunately. And depending where you come
off, you can get away with it sometimes, or I didn't.
I always got broken bones, but where I came off as a big guy
and I knew I said I'm going to, I knew it's going to die.
Because the thing with the road racing here is, you know, it's
not like a track that's all safety padded and all that kind
of stuff you're racing on, or the roads like the public roads.
Yeah. So if you do come off, you're
going to hit something. Did you what did you go into a
field? Yeah, well, first I got what's
called a high side, so the back end came round and that
happened. It grips and you get launched,
you know, you go into the air over the top of the bank.
And I said in that instant, I said I wish I hadn't come back.
No, wish I hadn't come back. But man, I knew it was going to
be. I knew I was going to be killed.
I thought you meant to life after his birthday.
Have the good happy time here. From the big soft play.
Hello, I'll be fair, Happy time is a great 1 though.
I said that over the top and I said and you're just going to
die. So I started shouting your name
out and. So you could see the last moment
of life leave your body in. To make sure I to make sure I to
make sure I saw him have the impact.
I'm about to die here if you want to.
Stick out your YouTube. Splat what happened with them
and the kneecap as well? Did you hit a curb is.
That what happened, No, this is also what Dundraw and I didn't
come off that time. So this is a different time,
yeah. And what's?
Been twice shy to ask about. It helps if you have a brain.
If you had a had a brain, wouldn't it be a second time?
So I went up the inside of two guys and closed the door on me.
So I'll expand. Go around the corner.
What about the race? Oh jeez.
I saw you did his kneecap and it makes sense now.
So go around the corner right-hander and open up the
inside, up the inside them to you.
Get in front of them, close the door on me like.
What does that mean? That free the.
OK, So there's a grass bank here and two banks there in front of
me. So I went up inside to get in
front of them rather than go around, go around them and
didn't see me that they came over.
They came in. Oh, right, right, right.
So I put my knee in their grass Burge and there was a set stone,
big square stone, and it it got me.
So it lifted me in the bike up in the air and I stayed on.
But I thought my leg had come out.
I thought it'd come off. I thought it was this way with
it because at least seventy men are.
And I got round the corner like a squeal, like a pig, and it was
dangling. It was couldn't put it on the
foot rest because I didn't think it was there.
And I saw it dangling, but I thought.
It wasn't attached. It wasn't attached and there was
a flag Marshall and because it's Overton drawed thousands of
people and they're all, you know, close to the the the road.
And this guy had a flag and I come up to him on a squeal, like
high pitched squeal and I grabbed him to the waist and
because I was was screaming the PM was wild and I grabbed him by
the waist. Another flag Marshall he came up
because I was screaming. He grabbed me ankle and he said
it's all right. So it's only cramp, but it
turned round in his hand. You know, I, you know, he said
he I think he went back down onto his hours back onto his
hours. So they they put me in the field
and and you know when they say when the pain gets too much, you
faint and all that lot of balls because I was laying on my back
and you think you ever heard you wouldn't know a bull worker.
That's a thing you did, you know for for muscles, you know, push
in and out and I was squealing and I was shouting if you just
hit me, you know what I was screaming.
You know, I put scream, I want to be knocked out because I was
screaming like that, a banshee, and obviously nobody hit, man.
Could sit here. Can you find my son?
It was my 4th birthday. But see, like a lot of people
would sort of question that sort of thing to, you know, when you
see people get really graphic injuries like football injuries
or like compound fractures and things and they say the pain
doesn't necessarily happen immediately because of
adrenaline. It's maybe after that.
Did you find in that moment you you were very much aware of the
pain or did the adrenaline kick in in that instance?
I wasn't certainly. You don't giggle.
You know, when I when I thought I lost the leg.
The pain, I'll never it's indescribable.
That must have sounded mental then.
But did your kneecap like slice off?
No, it wasn't a kneecap. Yeah, but you're missing one
knee. Yes, but it's.
Foxy isn't really. See it here.
Here's a hot and you had a hot plate?
Yeah. Into it.
Yeah, sure, Dave. So do you want that?
Dave, have you seen it? There's titanium.
It's been like titanium, the heat.
This OH. Yes, what about son?
We've been. Doing that since 1994.
That's the oldest double Acme book.
You've got another one. You blocker.
And you've had an entry that. We've got everybody.
He'll do that anywhere, anytime, restaurant, wedding, whatever,
you name it. But you see, if he didn't, if he
didn't, you know, didn't work. Has anyone ever just gone?
What are you doing? Yeah, one time, one time.
But I had an audience, thank God.
And then you were at the race because you don't go to the
races that often, but then you were there last week.
Yeah, it was. I don't go because of memory
problems. I can't remember names.
So it was Bishop's court was what do you call them?
Classics? The old boys.
It was the old boys and it was combined with the classics and
the I. Remember, you did one of those
laps. The old.
Boys go in. Well, it's called that pre lapse
and the first one, first one was the old bike.
You were there died at Scary's place called Lakshini besides
Scary's. And so two of us went down.
But I want to go down early to memorise the course because in
my mind I was going to go as quick as I went the last time,
you know, when I was racing and got the lead and so got to the
course and I asked the guy, I said which way does the course
goes? He said that way I couldn't
remember which way the course went.
So I wasn't a good start. And anyway that that was it.
We got through that. And then there was mid Antrim.
That's so bad, Antrim Yep. An English guy had a couple of
bikes over here and he asked me did I want to ride one in a
parade lapse. And it's for the past winters
and things like that. So I went up two days before the
event in my in my brain, because I'm sick as a champ.
I was going to go as quick as it was and there's a jump on the
course and I love the jumps. So I went up two days before I
left the half six in the morning and did 12 laps, learn the
course and I raced on it once before but that was years ago,
so 12 laps and that's only about 3 1/2 four mile long.
So I knew where I was going and went up on the Friday for the
practise and it was a new, I may as well never been around the
course, didn't know where I was going, hadn't the clue because
of my memory. But I didn't know it was that
bad. And I'm the baldy and I was in
the way of a lot of people. So never got, never got the jump
and. That was it.
What happened, What used to happen back in the day if you
needed a piss and you're doing a race or do you never because of
adrenaline, like we never need to go to the toilet on stage
because you're just adrenaline. Even if you're up there for an
hour, you don't need the. And racing, that wouldn't be the
biggest problem. You shit yourself, you know, if
you nearly come off, you had a don't.
Never happened. No.
There's after you came on last time you went, I should have
said this, should have talked about that and this or that.
What was there anything you want to talk about?
You didn't. Excuse me?
Get the poster to. So I didn't know.
So at my dad's house, looks like he's solving a big FBI case.
Because. There's all different posters
overall. Different crime scene, so you
wouldn't tell me what we're going to talk about.
Yeah, right. Well, we didn't have a plan.
Yeah, didn't have a plan. So there are things the first
time is on. I wish I had a said, you know
what you said that happens with everybody.
So a couple of things. So one of the parade labs, just
the way I said when I was racing, a guy asked me Billy
Mckinstry didn't want to race this bike in Portuguese.
World Championship? What's that?
Why you're not asking English? Very good.
Half an hour later. So it's a world championship
race in Portugal. Della Real and So what not but
that when I got there. Is that the photo you in front
of the bust in the head stamp? Yes, yeah.
Before he turns up, he turns up the socks in his hands, his
pants around his chest. And I actually ever sent that
offer, Dennis, Sorry. So.
What age you've been released in Portugal?
198586. We're both battle miles.
Yeah, yeah. 3037 years ago, so wherever that is.
So look, in the programme I got there, that's the world
championship thing. Look in the programme, not
great. Doris Todd.
Your name was Doris. The Hobbit down is Doris Todd,
and I raced like Doris Todd. You know I'm only calling you
that from now on. That was just that.
They call that out in the speaker and all the Doris.
He, well, he cracks up if you write one for Elliot.
If you write 1T instead of two, he loses his mind.
But this is what I don't get about it, right?
You have two D's? Yeah, on the sofa, super big.
And you are tall, Todd. Yep.
Why does no one ever spell tall, Tod?
It's the exact same thing. That's not nobody called.
Yeah, it's weird. I'm my dad was big dance, sweet
dance but his was 2 ends. That's weird, isn't it?
Yeah, that was always weird to me that he so his dad is called
David 2 and there's been set what, seven in a row?
Yeah, I'm 1/7. And then Grande was Dennis, but
with two NS and then they took away N off you.
I think it's more English the the two NS right?
Everybody automatically thinks 2NS.
Yeah, yeah, because otherwise it's a bit like penis, isn't it?
Really. Sort of D.
Denis like P/E. NY, Yeah.
Were you? Were you ever attempted to call
me Dennis and pass it on? No, it's an old M It's terrible.
Terrible. Yeah.
You don't like it? No, no, it's, it's like Doris.
Doris better. No, you were only going to be
called shame. After the cowboy movie, yeah, I
used to tell people I didn't think I was.
No, I was about 1954. I felt bad because you always
wanted to show me that film and show me what I was named after.
But as a kid, it's a black and white cowboy movie.
Yeah, but it's maybe like what? A classic of all times.
So. That's a weird thing I remember
Aaron Butler telling me is some people's niche relations name,
he goes. I called Aaron Butler after
Elvis. Yeah, that's.
Right. I think he goes why he called
after he called Elvis, you know, and there's another guy we were
in a our friends and they were telling us about a guy in their
family. And his name is like something
entirely different. He's like he's named like say
it's like John Peters or something.
They go, hi, John Peters is named after Uncle Michael.
Yes, That's like for what I was Michael's actually called John
Peters, but no one knows that. And that's like, yeah, called,
you know, called Michael. And it's very confusing.
I'm trying to think if we had any mad names in our in our
family. Well, yours, Cecil.
Cecil there was. A Cecil.
You bring him? No, not.
That's an. Old and Cedric.
They're all old names. Yeah, Bobby.
They're all the same. Remember Bobby?
Not going to make the point. That's a classic.
She had like like a great uncle Bobby.
He had no legs. Sure he didn't, or he had them
but didn't work. That's a stark difference.
Then they have no legs. I can't remember those songs
that. Really can't remember.
No, I was Granny. My granny, yeah.
Sheer Granny Bobby. No, Granny had two legs.
Granny. Granny.
Oh, my granny Todd. Right, the boy have two legs.
Yeah. You sure?
No. There was something about him.
He had Lemmy ailments, but he had asked Marshall, still over
time. Now there was there was
something or he had one leg. Maybe he wasn't Roman, put it
that way. Right, right.
And I remember we were in Central back when it was Miss
and we never really saw him. Not much.
Screen. He was arson about to Mcglane.
Yes, because Granny used to always say he's arson about.
That. Doesn't mean he's got no legs.
That's. The joke, I think he had no legs
and still and but me, my cousin Michael and our mate Sean were
in the Mace and Michael said how you how you Bobby, and we're
maybe like 10 or something. I'm probably going, how are your
son? He's recognised and realised
related and he's giving him a pound or do we pound for you?
And then Sean was her and I'm in I'm like just slightly out of
the way from them and he goes, is this your we mate?
He goes, yes, Sean, he was Sean, are your goals we pound for you?
And then I went, I saw this happen and then I was like, I
need a pound too. So I laid it on thick.
I went up and went, hi, your Uncle Bobby, right?
Never called him ago. I didn't even really know.
I said hi, your Uncle Bobby, and he went, all right, son.
Just walked on and I was devastated.
Devastated. Probably pricked up people.
I have no legs. That's probably that's wrong.
I know I ain't. He had no legs.
I think he met on one now. He had at least he had at most
one, at most one, no, but no not least one, at most one, because
any had two. But hold on.
So do you not remember in the moment when you were asking for
a pound, did you go, I guess, Uncle Boy, for a pound or did
you go like that? Like, come on.
Like, no, we had like wooden legs or something.
He's a He's a pirate. Yeah, I got no more money for
you. I'm going to go over the seven
seasons fighting that goal. Was there on that on that your
name? So I want to always remember
have a son or call him Shane and your mum and your granny said
no, it's like a dog like you call a dog Shane you.
Don't. You know Shane wasn't, yeah,
Nobody was called Shane those days and so all I wanted was
Shane. So that's why you have a middle
name, your mum said. Yes.
You can have a second name. Because I was going to be Henry.
That's kind of kind of hip now, Henry.
Yeah. Henry Todd sounds like like he
would own people. Did we do we know much about
going back? Like what's our like?
What is your middle name? I don't know if I'm.
Sure, you do know this, because everyone for sure.
No, neither there. But I had to real end.
Here's Logan. Yeah, Robert.
Is that what? Just one?
Yeah. I thought you had like 3 or 4.
Do we know like that much about the history of our family, like
going back like a few generations or anything or no?
That's all from mysteries, the history of the telephone.
Well, I was in the sauna a couple of weeks ago and there's
a couple old boys in there and I could chat to them, one of them
his cousin. Now, is that the way like, you
know, some people be like, if you go to America, they're like,
oh, we're no. No, no.
Or is it no actual cousin? Yeah, I was the recent.
There was stories you want to tell about racing and all that
kind of thing, but then I I want to ask you about me doing stand
up. What was the first gig you ever
came to see me do? Stand up and you remember.
Brilliant Empire, yes, and I said I'm going to go, he said.
Don't want you to go, but if you're going to go, I don't want
to see you so. Nice.
No, I meant like, I don't want to look.
Yeah, I don't want to look out and see you.
And so happened there were you couldn't have moved.
I had to say to the bouncer for me and Ivan to get in, you know,
because it was just Jason. Jason Byrne was headlining in
The Emperor, and it was. Yeah, they were classic.
They were hiding. From our leaders.
You couldn't move and so we were just in front of the stage and
standing up. So I.
Actually won't see you there. It'd be grand.
Oh God, that's hurtful. I'm.
Just used to having Ross here, just having that zone here.
So anyway, time comes. You've got a Who was it?
Jason Byrne No, Colin. Colin Murphy.
Maybe I'm. Colin Murphy brought you on.
See how the young fella, whatever what it was, 18 or 19?
18 I think it was my third. Yeah, takes a lot of balls to do
this. It's one of your your first,
first time they gave you a great intro and he said give it up.
She and toy. It's my duck.
Go ahead and no need to come on. And then you went.
What you say? He was the first person I saw
and walked out because he is a good head of her.
But the shit, the shame from your, you know, they look from
here like I could see the shame bunch.
And because it was student cake and he stood out to me because
everybody was 18 and you and I were standing there and I even
does this thing. I was I was like, ah, you can
see him right there. And then Ivan's distracting
because even though Ivan goes to Ivan goes you a lot to stand up.
Ivan looks at you like this, even if he's enjoying it, you
can never hide it. You watch a whole.
And then afterwards, I loved that.
That was brilliant. But he said, I guess.
But it was a memorable night. You come on, you thought you
were a rabbit calling the headlights and you're.
My mouth was so. Dry.
I could see your mouth was dry. Handshaking.
And it was I was getting my stomach was going, I guess here
because. You got the.
Punchers. There was a couple of guys being
loud. They were pissed up at the bar
and you were on and I freaking cheese.
I was cracking up. You know what?
I No, not yet. Yeah, you know.
So, but it was good. I think I had a good one.
I was just nervous, but it was good.
Yeah, Said the way you were like sometimes people talk and I know
you, I'm a see him like if I'm watching a gag and there's
people talking. Bastards.
And that's the worst of all. But you would go and say, when
was the last time? I feel like you haven't
confronted anybody in a while because usually something will
start at the gym. Ross goes to the same gym.
We just did a bonus episode, Ross.
Ross goes to gym. Have I seen you in there, Ross?
You stand up. You can't say he's 5 foot two,
you're 5 foot three. You can't.
What do you mean? No, even that 54.
No, he's whether he'd be 5/3. .8 or something.
See he's he's small, but his postures got bad recently so
he's even smaller. But if you were stretched out,
yeah, it would be a big boy. But see on that, like your dad,
I would say he's definitely a secret gigger.
Like he goes to gigs you don't know he's app.
Like you'll be at your shows and then you'll most send your texts
or something. I'm like, yeah, because whenever
you say you've been and then you haven't, maybe sell the offer
take. He's low key fellow.
I like that key and. You do support.
Yeah, that's been years. Yeah, you know, but because I'm
memory, I don't want to go in backstage or whatever.
Can't remember names. And I always tell security, make
sure see if that guy is here just.
When I was, yeah, like, say there was someone talking to the
gig. You go over and say, right, And
he tell you, buddy who had to speak to a boy yesterday, that's
cool off. In recent times, I think you
speak in the boys. But then you're at that age
where you'll devote time to like, he'll go.
He'll be in a rivalry with a guy in the gym for four years and
the guy won't know, but the guy won't know but he go.
A dot, right? No.
Can't say too much about the gym because.
You can't say too much with it, but he'll go will do.
He'll go to a fell and there he goes.
When he does, you know, he'll say stuff like see when he see
when he's not looking. I pour a bit of a charge.
I've been done for four years and the guy won't know, but he
gets into these. We I know we can't talk about
it. Right.
The guy with the parking Parkinson, by the way, No, not
he beat up. See if you don't see if he says
hello to you in the gym, how you doing it and you don't give him
anything back. You've got an enemy.
You've got an enemy though, because me and you will go yes
exactly. But me and you would say hello
to anyone that situation and we would be like fuck what a decade
not saying a little back. It then becomes his life's work
to get out. How you do me a back idea?
But you know what, I'm with you in the standards because there's
a parent who has leaders, has had a kid in the same class as
Holly for a few years now, even from preschool.
And I just I I don't know his name, but our kids name, and I'm
not going to say it, but because I but every morning you go and
you said, you know, when you recognise me, you might know
them because you've known from the drop off and it's not I
would for a while I'd have been like morning and he just walked
past like look through and every time like you fucking ignant
bastard. And now I don't do it anymore.
And like there was another day where I was walking the dog and
he was just walking right towards me and I like met his
eyes and I wanted it was just let me to want to go.
All right mate, and I didn't. You should have but that and
that's what you 2 are different. He'll go over there, he'll go
overboard. I know.
Because they've got me the balls, I say.
That's why they're not saying hello to you.
You're past Hello. So no matter where I go, if I
pass anybody always say how you doing?
You know, no. Matter how you doing, stop it.
Give me a motherfuck. Stop.
You're all right. Good morning.
I'll start with that. Especially in the gym,
especially because, you know, if you're new into the gym, you're
new there. Like great.
People always say, no matter who's passing, how you doing,
sometimes you get somebody else. Yeah, great, thanks.
Or you get a grunt. You get an animal noise, you
know, a grunt or you get us a smirk, you know?
Or you don't like that. I freaking hate it with a
passion, but this is where they've got me.
I said I remember that and I don't.
And I said to them next time, how you?
How you doors? Those kind of western film.
How you? How you doing?
You know and. So you don't know who your
enemies are. And they get you every time.
And I'm not sure there's some, I'm not sure, you know, has he
done that to me before? Yeah, I'm not sure.
Oh, I've done a lot in the gym. I know there's some stuff.
The parking? Which one?
There's one I realised I started and we, we, we actually can't.
OK, yeah, right. You can't what this guy was.
No, he was like 6 foot something bad boy and.
Donald Trump there, bad boy. So what does it say again?
I can say something. Look, we can.
Add it a lot if needs be. Let's get it a lot.
That's great. Parked up.
I came look, got into the car and this guy got out of his car
and hit the door. But it just and he got back in.
You're in the car. I was in, I was in the car, he
was, he was already parked and I'm, I'm parked.
And when he opened the door, touched my door and he didn't
look, didn't get out. So I got out and looked at the
car and I could see a line, but it hadn't dented it.
It's because of the dirt, you know, and I'm not even say what
colour of car he had. So it was obvious, you know, I
knew you have it lined up and we opened the door, but he had done
it and I knocked him in. There would you have been
prepared for if he had just gone.
Sorry about that mate. Sorry one. 100%.
Right. 100% And when he put the window down a wee bit and I said
you're not going to say say sorry, he said what are you
talking about? I said you hit the door.
What age of a guy, roughly? Ballpark nearly forty 30s and he
he said what are you talking about?
I said you hit the door. No, I didn't.
I started, you know, I felt that coming on.
I said open the door, open the door and line up with that.
I said, you haven't looking up, you haven't done it, but you had
it. But you haven't even said,
sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.
I started. I call them a few choice words
and. He's still got the window down.
Used to wee bit. Yeah, that's a bit, but I call
them something. And he opened the door.
Say it and if it's really bad, we'll be but.
Pardon. Say it and if it's really bad,
we'll be but. Say it you fuck dog.
I didn't know that he fucked.
He opened the door. He got out and see when he got
out, I moved one step forward right to him and the beans were
sitting out on my neck and he got back in that car.
That was it. You're a fuck dog.
And you want to see that the head of them but.
How funny when that guy sees my dad on the podcast.
Last episode there he is, but. How baffled did you be?
I don't think anyone's called anyone a fuck dog. 74.
I but not and not my mind, not my mind.
I'm still dollars so I saw him getting or getting changed
together. This.
Is this is maybe a couple of weeks?
Later in the gym change room. Yes, and I said I had a fair
idea it was him. Oh, he's still not 100.
Percent. Oh, it's two weeks.
And I said excuse me, have we been introduced?
I said. That's a mafia style move there.
He went no, don't think so. Do you think it was him?
Oh, what's him? And have you seen?
Is he still about? No, there's.
This fucking mental he bought got me a fucked.
Did they ever get the guy who was drying his pubes with a
herder or is he still not going to be?
That's all right though. No, it's not.
Oh no, it's not. I know.
It's not, I know. Let me point out I do this but
stand up and it's a true story. Imperiously.
Just learn it. Just I just.
I am Paisley used to dry himself junior senior the OJ with her
dryer, but Nick in the gym. No, he did.
He did like this. Well, no, like like that, but
yeah, with her dryer because my game, my first thought when he
walked yeah. Very good.
He would come past naked and I'd be like, where's the tile?
And also when you get that level, you're like, why doesn't
he have like a Bryson or something?
All the. Time I don't even think he
brings it to. He goes up and he just stops
front of the mirror and starts trying himself all over the the
herder. Awfully, awfully.
And there is a reservoir to pair it up.
But what are the herder? Somebody guy was telling me on
Monday, somebody was having the handshake.
He saw somebody having the handshake and the shards.
Oh, how did he see him? He's in the cubicle, but there.
As you see. When I worked there, there used
to be a fellow, yeah, come into the gym and this was a younger
fellow. He would come in, but he wasn't
training, he wasn't swimming, he wasn't done, and he was just
going in the showers, peeking around and jerking.
Tell that story, without names, about David Lloyd.
Now I wasn't at this one for a good friend of mine was there
this couple of fellas. This wasn't David was a good.
Friend. That's a good friend of mine.
It's all this getting this thing happening and it wasn't.
He said he went for like a, you know, when you go, you're going
for the full day of the gym, so you're going, didn't work out
doing a swim, then you go get your lunch afterwards.
Nice day. He said he went there and this
particular fella was in the I don't even know if he's ever
told this guy's ears and connects the dots.
But he said he went into the gym, went in and have a shower
and he said my mate came out and he was like, where does he take
my mind? I'm out Shard dry dressed, ready
to go. And he said I wonder if he's
still in the shower, I'll go and check if he's there.
He says he went around to the shower, he could see water
beaten down the shark he was in. He didn't want to know if he
said he kind of picked over and he said the guy was just lying
feet down, a shower of water beaten down and just beating the
wire of himself. And he said the weirdest thing
was this guy always his hair like very neat, like you always
want to see. And he said the hair was stored
down his face. And he just had they said he
said to go and just sit in the restaurant and just wait.
And he came out and he was like, I mean, he was like, nobody says
the fact he was lying in the shower.
Feed out. I forgot to ask you last time,
but the store Speaking of bike accidents.
Try Can I detect yes, that guy said take on at least here,
right? Parking at the gym, yeah, people
used to take up two spaces, so I would write the way he used.
To write note. Don't be such an inconsiderate.
Twat. By the way, our spelling is
awful, so I guarantee you never spell inconsiderate.
Right? Because I probably couldn't,
yeah. So it was something an.
Incompetent thought. Used to leave notes people on
the screen. Yeah, fuck dog, I've been
looking and go. You're sincerely fuck dog.
But see, just before we get back on the park and I need to know
about the pube the pube guy hair dryer pube guy was.
It just as people were complaining, yes, people were
complaining about him. What was he doing?
Just literally. Just standing with the hair
dryer drying them. That's almost going to use that
hair dryer. Pubes, yes.
Just the pubes. So is he doing?
Everything, yeah. It was a mate of ours report
someone we know reported and then not that like say to him,
but it'll be like stop doing that.
That's the most awkward thing because again, with the guy
jacking in the showers, someone had to approach him.
Be like, you get up to it. He's like, I'm washing me.
Yeah. And they're like.
Called him a fuck dog and walk dog but his dude.
Used to shit as well. There's a guy just said just
just do shit in the way. The whole whole investigation to
find out who's shit in the showers.
Somebody did that, yeah. And.
Then the cleaner caught the guy
squatting down do a shit the shower and then that's how
there. Bike accidents.
I haven't talked about the big one, most recent one when you
fell off the push bike when it was stationary.
Sure, I showed you. I've got a brilliant photo of
it. We'll put it up, you send it to
me, and then we'll put it up after.
Yeah, this, but people will say it.
I will not believe it. So I don't wear a helmet and.
I mean, of all the fucking experience you've had, we're a
helmet penis. Right.
Well, the reason being I'm never going to have an accident makes
it. Based on your track record.
Literally your track record. So careful and I've done so.
We're 11,000 miles in the bike so and.
We're flags. I'm.
Never going to have a car accident.
I've done 100,000 miles well. I've never had an accident.
I've been a ball, but I've been the cause.
Well, I haven't been the cause. So we were calling along from
Bangor along the coastal you. And the boys.
Yeah, I just built. And so we're talking about those
Bill and Bruno 7. 1000 lbs. The original Flapot man, Yeah.
Two guys, the top of the range bike, 7000 lbs worth.
Well, they'll be getting robbed. Well they're hardly ever out and
and they never had a N down. But anyway, we're coming along
the coastal path and summer's day as his last last summer and
were the golf courses cricketer hill cricket bat.
It's pretty rough the path and it's very narrow and pretty
rough and I was going dead slow. It built behind me.
There was so I'm going really slow and there were two rocks
and I went in the right hand side of it.
I was to do this here made shouldn't the wrong decision.
So when I went to pedal, because I was going that slow, I went to
pedal it touched the top of the rock and just did that in slow
motion. Now there's some drop down onto
the beach and they were just boulders, but they weren't
round. Of course.
They're all all I guess here and I thought I am I am dead.
It's no no EPS or butts. I am Teddy bread here.
So it was like Tom and Jerry because it's slow motion when I
got I just don't put my foot out because I'm at the edge.
You know, there's a drop and like Tom and Jerry, my and down
I went and I hit, I broke my fall by hitting every single
rock before I've got onto the sand.
And the bike was I was entangled in the bike and I couldn't
breathe. You know, the pain and I
couldn't breathe. And I heard Bill said, I heard
him go trying to get down. Oh, fuck, Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh
fuck. Because you're going to be dead.
And but it was about half an hour later because he's, he's in
his 70s, early 70s, you know, to get down.
And he and I was, I couldn't be pumping.
I was like a sieve. Everywhere was blood coming out.
And Bill untangled me from the bike.
He pulled me up. I could have had broken back or
a neck again or whatever, but he was a got man.
So lucky enough didn't break a leg or an ankle because the only
way would have been a helicopter because we couldn't get a car
either side. So it was the only way.
So that's why I was getting my breath back and two guys came
along and they retrieved my bike and they got me up.
They got me on their path. And Bill being so considerate,
the bike had lost its its read out.
So there was no bat. The battery didn't work and
well, it's no battery. It's, you know, because I've
only they may have only the one leg really.
And I'm more than Bobby. I'm punctured, you know, I just,
I'm in shock. He helped me onto the bike.
He helped me onto the bike and away we went.
Got home, but I could hardly see because Did you cycle home?
Pardon. Yeah, you cycle.
Home and we'd already been to Danica Day.
Oh, I've been the targeting. I did not.
Coming downhill to the house. Yeah, like the Passion of the
Christ. I had to come through Hollywood,
you know Hollywood and you know, everything's blood, all you
know, and my shorts on everything was.
I'm gladly shit down. I mean more awkward if you
didn't. So do you know what see?
In the defence, I've seen you and Ivan on your bikes just
these are bollocks on them. Like there's like 2 we boys
because it's like you don't when you're sitting talking, you
don't get off your bike to talk. You sort of slowly cycle around.
It's almost like you're about to do E tricks and it's like.
They're intimidate. They're.
Like circle, you know, like what are you going for?
A coffee. Man, I've been just like.
Well, I did you trick second. Yeah, we shouldn't tell.
I know. I think.
This might be God's way of finally saying.
Standstill balancing, come to lights.
Was there anything else in your list you want you want to talk
with? So that's Doris right away on
the racing. So one of my sponsors was a
thing called the Clock shop firm called the Clock.
They do. They sold bikes right?
So the board may have transported all the gear, new
bike and everything to go with it.
But sometimes they needed the van that that they gave me.
They need the van to get collect clock to collect their.
Gas. We're going to do a van, but
we'll need it all. Of this, But they, they gave me,
if they need the van, they gave me a car.
Well, it wasn't an ordinary car. A choice between a Cadillac and
Rolls Royce. So one day I got the Rolls Royce
and it was an old, old Rolls Royce but still a Rolls Royce
and used to hire for weddings and that and so I got your
granny and her Wii mate we beggy.
Well, I gave them a lift, I thought.
We went in the glove box, but. I gave them a lift do.
You know who it was or who it was, Winnie.
I can't remember. So anyway, I was like the Lord
Mayor, Hollywood, you know that Rolls Royce.
So it brought them down to, what do you call it?
There was a cinema there. Do you ever remember Hollywood?
Yes, I remember people talking about it.
Right. Yeah, there's Zebra.
Pardon. Was it near Redburn?
No, no, you know, there's zebra crossing Hollywood.
Top of the town? Is that with the ice rink top or
the skate rink? Skate Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So there's bingo on and there's a big long queue.
The women and I was across the road and I opened the the back
door for the the girls. Go ahead.
Then they they walked across the road and everybody looking of
course, but we granny was coming at this here.
Brilliant. And then I had the Cadillac and
the no stairs. I never knew that about those
cars. Yeah, photographs of.
Them you've been scondered if you had to take a van on you,
letting these be punchers on the back of an There you go, be
free. Hang about this last one stuck
together. I posted that.
Oh. Oh, I gave yourself.
Was there any any time? You might want to wrap this up
soon. You know, embarrassing things.
Here we go. Now.
I heard one of your podcasts this last week or two and it was
brought up, but it didn't get it's a saying.
So he was acting like Conor McGregor down his grannies and
his grannies brother and sisters that bred like rabbits and all
the cousins were the same age, were the same age, but he was
the youngest and he was getting on like, you know, a big fella.
And he was also known as a golden child.
All the it's called him a golden check.
All good-natured but he is getting on like a Dick.
And as Granny said, son, you're so hard you can rub your ass
with a broken bottle and not get caught.
Yeah. Scarred him for life.
What a what a saying only and should have plenty of those I
was. Saying I don't remember.
I mean, I'm getting on like that.
Well you getting on like a Dick. I I do.
Remember. Being overly confident from 11
plus and send the Monty Carroll when I get an A here, will I be
the first one in the family? They've gotten there and she
went no, and then I go see 10. Dear.
The last one time had to tell him about a talk that they talk.
You know what that is? Obviously.
Sex, Dennis. Yes.
And so we're at these the birds and bays we're at on his
birthday, 21st. 25th. Where's his birth?
On his birthday? Well, it's better than nearly
dying, I suppose. It's.
So I got, I don't know, were you 1415?
So I got I've got a video camera got on the tripod or at the
cable. Sorry.
I knew it was going to be memorable, so I got this one
roll over. I said I need to talk to him, so
he sat down. He said what I said.
Watch this video me and explain everything.
Need to have a talk with you, I said.
You're not going to embarrass me, are you?
I said no. I said when the time comes for
you to do the business, always wear a dicky boot.
I said is that it? I said that's it.
And I was so confused. I.
Was like that'll do. I knew you have this on.
Yeah, yeah. That'd be good, really.
Dicky boot. Dicky Boot is a.
Yeah, what is a? A what?
Condom. Condom.
But I couldn't. I hate that word.
I know it's easier, just better say dicky boot than the yeah
condoms. I would better use a dicky boot.
You knew what I was talking about.
I didn't. Use the word chief.
Wear a sheath. No what?
Say mediaeval. Sheath up, say Mediaeval.
And the other one, before he went out, I always say never let
a woman see you in a pair of socks.
Yeah, and I passed that. It's like a woman.
The equivalent would be a woman just wearing a bra doesn't work.
Even if she's missed world, it doesn't work.
So So what happens if you're at the business?
You get cold feet. And I passed out on many to many
person in the gym. That's why people don't want a
dog in the gym. As a bro, he's going to help me
always. He's going to tell me how to do
my bench press here. Fuck dog, always wear a ticket
put. Away for a shit in the shower.
Big Kristen was. He thanked me for that.
The NBA, is there anything you want to you want to plug or
promote? Not sure why it's being just
listen like the slag I podcast out every Thursday or have a
look at the Patreon subscribe and all the channels and just
keep away on the socials. Really, that's about it.
You want to promote anything? My tour.
Dicky Boots. What's your?
Stand up tour. I don't believe you said that.
Go promo for me. Yeah, I want to see the Wii
Deck. Shane.comedy.com, thank you very
much.