Right. I win Worst Guy in the World
award because yes, not only did you make a real effort to get
here on time, you're a bit early.
I was a little bit early now in in your defence.
Your earliness doesn't count. I'm an early I'm an early bird,
right? If I'm not early, I'm you're not
going to see me if. You're not early, you're late,
isn't that? Right.
No. If I'm not early, I'm dead.
I'm not coming. Something's happened.
I'm at the hospital. Yeah, like I'm an early person.
Because you just flew in. I just flew in and your partner
is getting the hire car now. So you, you said to him, I can't
even be part of this process because I've got to get you
early. Yeah, but you?
Probably with hindsight could have got the hire car.
No, I couldn't have. Well, if I'd known that you were
going to be late, then yeah, I could have spent time with him.
We were in a really crucial moment in our relationship as
well. We were really talking something
out. And I was like, no, I have to go
and do tea with me. Yeah.
And then he was like, I mean, if you want to choose this over our
relationship. And I was like, I'm a
professional. Yeah, no, what I want to
apologise for is you just had to leave.
You had to get here. Then that time we get some date,
we provided you with some snacks.
Can I say Fausty has done the best he has with what he has,
but he has provided it to you on a plate like your Santa?
Yes, that's a spread for Jordan is it's single Dad's first
Christmas, the kids around. Coffee, instant coffee and I
said give a little biscuit. Pure panic.
Can you use the mic please? Sorry.
He looked at me in pure panic and then he came back like this,
just holding up these. When you break that down, that's
not a bad we spread. No, it's absolutely fine.
But the. Ants.
I mean, I'm always powder. The apple was powdery and cold
and I've got sensitive teeth so. You like a warm apple, right?
I like a room temperature. Apple.
Yeah, I've always said that about you.
Yeah. You have one thing you don't
know like I. Love the warm apple.
Room temperature Apple. It was a sensitive tea so I
can't I can't eat it quickly enough to do the pod.
Then he brought me these, which again, lovely.
Best Scorps? Yeah.
Put him in his pocket at a cafe. And this is also a free treat
that you get sponsored by. Yeah.
So. Yeah.
Thanks for nothing. But you want going forward, you
would like us to have some guest?
Biscuits. I think you should have guest
biscuits come to your house. But what if they don't get
eaten? Because once you open a packet
of biscuits, if we're not eating.
You can put them in a Ziploc bag.
Yes you can. For how long?
How long could you put a hobnob for?
Literally but. How long could you put a whole
Melbourne a zip lock bag? You tried saying that.
I really put a half knob in a zip lock bag.
Yeah. But really, how long could you
put a how long could you keep 1/2 knob and a zip lock bag?
Yeah. How long could you put a half
knob in a zip lock bag? Yeah, you could put it, you
could keep in a zip lock. You can keep so much like so
it's, it's basically a time capsule.
Seriously, it's it's incredible. You should invest in zip lock.
Bags. I did a Millennium time capsule
in our old house. I would love to.
You know I did, you know, I when I move, what was in your sorry,
what was in your I'm not yet sending you.
Oh, I haven't seen you a long time.
I'm actually just going to actually do too.
But I guess we're going to be comedians.
I am mine, so I was What is the Millennium 12 and I put in what
year were you born, 1988? Is it?
Yeah, no, it's 20269. Yeah.
Yeah, you said that like is it as in like?
That's actually very London of me now, because I live in
London. Is it is.
It farm. Is it farm?
Get the food. Is it farm?
Yeah, yeah. I did a show what a guy is when
he said man, don't, man don't think about that.
Our man don't care. And I was like, yeah.
Was it Horatio Good? How do I call him horsey gold?
Oh, couldn't read his surname, said Gould.
Oh, you've called him that in real life.
Yeah, Right, right, right. And then I was I did a show with
him and Mike down South I went to see literally 2 days ago and
I the problem with Horatio's name is that I read it before I
heard it and then that fucked me because it does not read.
He should have a different name when he comes over here if he's
doing shows in Ireland. He should he definitely.
Should change it on entry. So what I did is I was
introducing him on and you know when you're not confident in
another comics name, so you enthusiastically.
So I went her right here like that and he just walked.
Out just one like Prince. That's it.
Madonna. Yeah.
Brittany. I feel, I feel like you could be
Kayla, just Kayla. I feel like I could be, but
Kayla Cobbler is definitely my name.
It's definitely. It's not my real name.
You've been serious. Swear to God that's a fucking
stage name. What's your real name?
My real name is Michaela and O'Connor.
You can be Michaela O'Connor. Absolutely not, Michaela.
No, that's very boring. But everyone, everyone calls me
Kyla. I don't want.
I didn't want to have O'Connor because I like UFC fighter.
Kyla O'Connor. It's too much.
The end of the Kyla on the start of O'Connor meets like two
rivers. It does.
But it's kind of like the crash and Kylo, where's the, where's
the where's the she and Todd? Yeah.
Kyla Cobb. Kylo.
Yeah. Hello.
It's like one. Yeah, it's and it sounds like
cock KOC. Yeah, and that's, you know,
that's something. Sippers this episode of the Team
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Yeah, you know why Cobbler? Then why'd you pick that?
Because I can't this so funny. I've told the story and like
every single podcast. Good researching.
Umm I the only. One part I listen to is this.
So when I was living in Milan, I was doing online dating.
Yeah. Yeah.
Online dating in Milan. I lived in Milan for seven
years. I guess you know nothing about
me. This is going to be an
interesting part. We're actually friends.
You don't know anything about me, so that's interesting.
Umm, you know that I like room time for apples.
But yeah, it ends there. Yeah, it ends there.
I was in Milan, and I was online dating.
And at the time, I'm a bartender by trade.
That's my job. And I was bartending,
waitressing. And when I was chatting online,
the boys would ask me what I would do.
And I used to tell them I was a cobbler because it's just more
interesting. And they used to fucking love
it. Yeah, like, serious hard ONS for
the cobbler. And then I went on a date with
this guy Federico, after, like, six weeks of texting.
And he, I was sitting on the pizza restaurant and he brought
in a bag full of broken shoes. And he's like, I was wondering
if you'd fix these. And then I got a giddy bang,
obviously. And I was like, Oh my God, I'm
so sorry. I was like, I'm actually not a
cobbler. I just forgot.
I was like, it's just a lie. In that scenario, I'm going
who's the weirdo? Is it him bringing the bag of
shoes or is it the? So him.
OK, fake cobbler. Weird, but also endearing.
Yeah, right. Yeah.
Like if I said I was something better than like, in my mind,
like hospitality, working cobbler, tradesmen, like we're
all in the same, more or less same level.
Yeah. If I said I was like a
neurosurgeon or an astronaut, then you're a psychopath because
you're making yourself seem better than you are.
Yeah, he just brings in a little brilliant.
Yeah, you're not much in a bag of brilliant that are either
with a bag of brilliant. Gross.
Yeah. No, thank you.
Yeah. So then he brought, he brings in
the shoes and I'm like, I'm like laughing and I'm so sorry.
And then he gets so offended and he's like, you're a fucking.
He's had these broken shoes for so long.
He lost his shit. Yeah.
He's like, you're so angry at me and he's like, you're disloyal.
And I was like, disloyal to who? Like what are you talking about?
And then he just left me there with the shoes, with the broken
shoes. Ah.
And then I had to eat 2 pizzas. So then I was like, right.
I'm just going to call myself Kyla Cobbler, the cobler for the
crack. Yeah, now if you offer me
£1,000,000 as to why you pick Cobbler, that wouldn't be it,
That wouldn't be it. I thought maybe I like Peach.
I see I would never think of Peach collar of colour when
someone said I would always think of a shoe repair.
Yeah, and that's what. Does Peach?
But what does Peach cobbler look like?
Is it just pie? Oh, I'd say so, yeah.
Yeah, I'd say so. But it's American though, wasn't
it? I think so.
Why do you live in Milan? I lived in Milan because I was
in Australia travelling around with the circus and I met an
Italian man. You really don't know me.
This is great. You were in the circus.
I was trying to like a funfair circus, the Brisbane show, so I
used to travel around on this. Can I say something?
It feels like you. What do you?
If you don't mind me, what do you do?
I'm 35 now this month. But that's nuts that like, I
know you've lived in Barcelona for five years, five years,
Milan for seven years. Yeah.
And the Sir, there's a lot in a short space.
But I didn't do, I didn't do third level education.
So I had time. Oh yeah, yeah.
So I just left where I think people finished you.
Literally left to join and join the circus.
I literally left to join the did.
Someone say that to you is like a slight and you went fuck you.
No, not at all. I went to Australia because
everyone was like, go to Australia.
I go to Australia. It's amazing.
And then I went and I was like, I thought the way people were
talking, they were like talking with the money because it was
during the crisis. I thought they were just going
to be loads of money. But you just had to work really
hard to get all the money. And I was like, well, yeah.
Yeah. This isn't, you know, I thought
it'd be like gold, the gold there.
And America is like, go find all this money.
And then I was like, and I was only like 19 or I was 20.
I was 20, right? So I was like, well, I'm just
gonna go. And, and then I was working like
hotels and stuff. So I was like, and I found a job
with the show and one of those fish stalls.
So I told him my dad. Fish Store.
Yeah, like a pretend fish, you know your kids and you scoop up
the fish and there's numbers on the belly and then you're like,
oh, you spent €10 when you've got 12, so you get this price.
Oh, ducks. Well, it was fish in my case.
But an idiot. But can I ask a big question?
Are ducks fish? They're not ducks.
Aren't Why are they? Why are they acting like they
are? They're not.
No, I won't have that now.
They are, you said today I won't have.
That they are come. On That's not fair.
The They're straddling both worlds.
Like they're amphibious. If if fish could do a ducks
could do then then I would question it.
But please, fish are useless. Yeah, fish are useless.
I would think so. What about if you're if you're a
58 year old lady, need to get the dead skin off your feet in a
shopping centre? Not useless.
Well, then I would say, but yeah, also you not not.
I do that. Do you or what did you do
yesterday? What I do yesterday?
We're talking about beauty regimes.
Right. I cheered that I I told you I
also need to know about the circus.
But I said, yeah, I did something yesterday for the
first time ever in my entire life, we were talking about
beauty stuff. Do you want to guess what it is?
I just took a notion. I went, I'm doing this.
I'm going to holiday on Thursday.
I went I'm doing it. Is it?
Can you give me? Is it on your face?
No, my son, help me. Oh umm, did you shave your back?
On the other side. Your front?
Yeah, you shave your front. Shave your chest.
Did you have hair in your chest? You don't seem like a hairy.
Man, I have. I have more than you would
think. Oh yeah.
I'd more do you know what I think?
I can tell by your eyes. A poor.
Child, I had a bit. I had a bit here, a little bit
down here. I have a bit here.
It's all gone, you put. You have more than me right now.
Maybe. You know you I have 0, so if you
use. A razor or did you use wax?
I chachi PT it. Oh I hate chachi BT Boo but then
talk about useless fish and chachi BT.
But I I I put what I do. So the first stage is you warm
cloth open the Porsche. I'm just laughing all the women
going to listen to this being like fuck and just shave your
chest, can't I? Washed it.
That's actually what chat you, but he said to I.
I washed it with an exfoliator. Well.
Then I did an electric razor. That's what I let my son do and
go ahead, right? Yeah.
Shaved all that and then shaved foam.
Wet razor. Wow, so it's down to the brim.
Now it looks weird. And are you jacked or do you
just look like a child now? I look like a Jack child.
Yeah, it looked like if you were watching like a dark Channel 4
documentary. Yeah, but like the UK strongest
12 year old. That's what I look like.
I look like a tall version. I love that.
Of a steroid it up toddler like. Do you feel good or do you feel
it? Took away you was it took, I
feel exposed. It took a wee while to get used
to it. But I'll tell you what, I like
it. Sunburn City.
Now you best be careful. Factor 50.
I'm not after. Shaving, 3050, Shane. 30 Shane,
who do you think you're? Who do you think you are?
You think you can go to Tenerife on 30 with that Milky bone skin?
You're a sick man. I'm.
Swarthy. You've got sickle cell.
I'm swarthy. What's this swarthy mean?
I'm swarthy like I I have like olive skin.
No, you're not. Have you seen my dad?
Obviously not. Well, you'll be saying that if
you see my. Well, my dad is out of skin and
I'm not. Otherwise you turn.
You are not you. You can't.
Do, by the way, excuse me, Foster, you know me since I was
16. Yes or no?
Do I turn? There you go.
Fasty. He'll serve you a cold out.
Fasty I. Go to the freezer and get her
another. Album, I have a question.
Fasty, who pays you? I Yeah.
I split, but basically you're I is Shane the CEO?
No. I accept, I take back what I
said. Get an apple from the freezer.
That actually probably be nice. Yeah, well, actually would be
nice. See, I feel I just, it just
feels different. It does feel well when I shave
my legs after a long time, I put on my trousers.
It's a mad sensation, right? It feels like you're like, Oh my
God, everything's so, so sensitive.
To yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be lovely.
Yeah. Have you got hairy legs?
Do you want to see? No.
OK. Otherwise, what I said, show me
your legs. I have.
I probably have. Show me, oh God, I know such
clean shoes. Thanks.
For a dad. I know I did.
Your dad have very dirty shoes grown up.
My dad didn't have any feet. Ah, he was a duck.
Duck something. I meant to say fish.
As soon as I said it, I was like, right, ruined it.
No, my dad had my dad had filthy feet now.
He was a builder growing up, all right.
He was like a Mason so he always had big dirty boots on.
Still Mason. Yeah.
Is there another kind of Mason? Free.
What's that mean? Freemason.
What's that mean again? The secret Club.
Oh yeah. Are they?
Yeah. I don't know.
What do they do? Not that secret, everyone knows
about them. I think they just like they go
to lodges and they why, I don't know.
I'm not in it, so I can't say that's.
Actually good keeping secrets from them because you really
don't. Know there's going to be other
Masons? I don't think there is.
I think it's only stone Mason. Stone Masons, Freemasons.
Ryan Mason used prefer Spurs but then he's a guy specifically.
Has he got feet? You wouldn't.
Know Oh yeah, I mean, you'd watch the odd game.
I mean, it's better. Considering I don't know
anything about. Nobody had to retire with a
horrific Scull injury. Yeah, his skull.
Oh my God, I had, I concussed myself 2-3 days ago speaking a
skull injury. Hi, look at this.
Well, I was doing my recycling at home in London and I bent
over as at the front door and I bent over to make the cardboard
more into the cardboard that it was easy to carry, compact,
compact. Thank you.
More into the cardboard crushing the language.
And I put my head up and I took the corner of the shelf and
something happened. And then I splat.
See this? We caught and then I passed out,
knocked myself clean out and then I woke up slouched on on
the cardboard. Now were you which, which kind
of saw what you know, there's a little bit of pattern in that,
absolutely. And the fact that you compacted
it means you've built my. Own.
I built my own. I built my own.
Yeah, this, as this goes on, this feels a bit more like self
harm. Yeah, it feels like you've laid
down a padded ServiceNow. Are you annoyed that the cut
isn't that bad? Yes, I wish it would more.
Compared to what you did, yeah. Excited to cancel a show, was my
first time ever doing that. Because sometimes like I'll be
messing with my sons and like the other day my 3 year old like
lifted his head up real quick, more messing about.
And I went oh and my mouth and I let her to be and my wife said
what's wrong? And I was like I'm looting.
And then it wasn't. And I was raging.
I was raging because it seemed like I'd overreacted.
Yeah, I mean, it hurts for sure getting anywhere, hitting the
mouth or teeth or anything like that.
Well, that's. Why you have sense of teeth?
I write, no, it's not because of that.
I well, I, I rang sigh. My wife and I was crying and I
saying to him, I was crying and I was saying I knocked myself
out and knocked myself out. And then he went, are you naked?
And I was like, what? And he's like, why are you
crying about being locked out? It's like, look at us.
Look at us speaking the same language and not understanding
each other. Yeah.
Because he said African, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I took a gamble on that. I knew I thought he was
Australian. So that from someone.
Come on. No come.
On and then just as you're wearing a shirt, you.
Knew that was a self accent. Don't make it out that.
I know the accent was good. The accent.
Was good, he looks South African.
Seppers, This episode of the Tea With Me podcast is sponsored by
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We have our Monday bonus episodes.
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We've got, I got an e-mail when I was away saying there's some
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So it says they're not taking just let you know down says
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The live dream episode on a Friday, ad free episodes on a
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Let's get into this episode. Yeah, I I told you just before
we start recording that I like watching this woodwork, making
out what you will. Yeah, make it that what you
will. Listen, you shaved your chest
the day before I come to the podcast studio.
Yeah. And then the first thing you
asked me, you didn't say, hey, Kylie, give me a hug, he said.
Where Simon? Yeah.
I just like to watch him. I'll almost like to do work
experience with him, my older woman.
He is. I don't know how old he is.
He's 36. Yeah.
So that. 'D be weird if I I'm 37, be
weird if I did work experience. Well, he's only 37 in April, so
will you be 37 at the same time? Yeah.
Well then, come over there. That's good, he'll only hang out
with people exactly the same age.
Like otherwise it's weird. Otherwise it's weird.
It's weird. You're a successful man, you
can't be hanging out with him. He's a success, successful
Woodman. He is a he's, he's an academic.
He's got umm, double masters in architecture.
You can tell like the way the way he's doing all the stuff.
I'm like, he knows what he's doing.
He knows what he's doing. Unbelievable.
Yeah, he and he's just one of them people.
Even when I bash my head. He then got a cork of a wine
bottle and then caught a triangle out of it and then
padded the corner of the shelf to protect.
Me in the future, the horses bolted.
I feel like I'd be a bit annoyed at that because it go but I've
already knocked myself out. Oh really?
You're a tough partner to be with.
Yeah, a bit mean if somebody I need help.
I needed that a week ago. Really.
Yeah, yeah, Yeah. Oh, you're very high
maintenance. I would never.
I thought that was a lovely no. It looks terrible because it's a
big wine cork on the top of the shelf, but.
And you're also not a toddler and he's taught but he's toddler
proofing the house. Well he's not because it's
really tall. Not no normal toddler be able to
reach up to that shelf. So he's actually adult proofing
the house for clumsy adults. Toddler Toddler is on another on
a child's shoulders. Under a trench coat.
Yeah, but you go to the cinema to get into a 12.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how'd you join the circus?
So yeah, I was in Australia and I was just kind of going around
working bars and stuff and I just saw it and I was like, oh,
I was in, I was doing, I was in my river picking grapes, you
know, the farming. And I was like, fuck this.
So then I found an ad and I told them that my dad has was like
Carney basically, which is not right, but I was like, I've got
always experience, right? And then I went and I was like.
Yeah, my dad's a mechanic. I wouldn't just show up.
I know. Someone's broken guard, I know.
I know, but if he thought, but if you knew, if you had like, I
mean, come on. Yeah, I know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was a Zumba teacher as well.
I bought an Aqua Zumba instructor too.
Told them I had AV tech level and.
That I've had a bath before. I know what I'm doing.
Hello. Was this before the circus or
after? Before I did load the, I did
load the jobs. You're like a county Kayla
Cobra. Nine nights.
I love that. 4 feet. Yeah.
What you talk about? Then I thought about it.
Does a cat have 4 feet or four hands?
4 feet. 4 feet. Hmm.
I would say feet don't walk in your hands.
Some people do. Who shame?
My dad come so I'd be able. To doesn't mean that people do
it. My swarthy dad come up in his
own hands. I.
Found this word. Swarthy is unusual to me.
Yeah, like slightly darker skin. Is it is it a bad word?
No. No, no, not.
Though somebody waxed their chest, no?
Yesterday I would have said no, I don't wax it, that's all.
But that I shaved it probably once.
So any anyway, I was, I saw an ad and then I joined.
They were like, yeah, come along.
And then I joined it. And when I was great, Picky
actually met Mateo the Italian man, and then we went together
to work on the circus and it was amazing.
Did Mateo have a background in Circus Tree?
No, no, no. He's a 27 year old.
I was so in love with him. I was 21.
You know when you're in love with 21?
Aaron is 21, are you? Yeah, so you don't know that was
her mid? 40s she looks old I said that I
asked her about infertility. I was like, it must be hard is
it eh? And she was just like, umm,
yeah, I know. He I just loved him so much that
20. One so beautiful you're in the
farm work, he's outdoors, he's probably got a bit of a sweater.
And as well, he's sporty. Yep.
Is that the word swordy? He is swordy.
Brown eyes, long hair, used to skateboard everywhere.
I mean, I was like, you are unbelievable.
I know. Yeah, now, but back down.
I was like, yeah, they've got a phone charger.
I thought he was so. And I am seeing that as
impractical and it's annoying me well.
I do a new bit in my show about getting to 30 not be able to
fuck DJ's anymore. And that's sad because when
you're in your youth, you're like, this is so excited when we
go look at him playing the according he's a street
performer and you're like come home with me.
And now and then you get older, you're like, unfortunately
that's a no go. So I met him and then I was just
so in love. And then we did the the Mary's
together, the fun fair circus. And then we were like, right,
let's. Travelling all around Australia.
Yeah, it was amazing. And we got to go to like real
Australia, like real land. Yeah.
Inland does Jack shit there. Yeah.
Fuck all. Have you been?
Yeah. You going for this year?
Yeah. Yeah, me too.
But not the inland places. Yeah, what are the inland places
I'm doing? Lambra.
Oh yeah, I'm not doing that either.
No, let's just stick to the coast.
Let's just stick to the. Coast When are you going?
I'm going in April. OK, no match.
Ah. Are you?
I'm gonna I'm gonna buy October. Oh, I've done it twice, but I've
totally there twice for love that.
Is a class. It's so good.
It's so. Good.
And they're crack. Yes, because it's like something
from home is coming over. Yeah.
And you see this, they're very appreciative.
Oh, yeah. And you see this thing of like,
people will, they'll fly to come to the show.
Yeah. So they're like, they're maybe
like, oh, I live in the Gold Coast.
And you're like, oh, you just drive down for this or two
hours. Like you can't drive.
So they really do make the effort and then you'll see this
amazing thing after the shows, you're hanging about doing
photos, whatever. People will see other people
from home that they didn't even know live in Australia.
So it's almost like a big I can't.
Wait, it's going to be Britain? I'm doing New Zealand as well.
Not as fun we go. Look at that reaction.
What's on with new? Zealand, we've had a great time
in Australia. Don't know I turned in Donald
Trump, but we had a great, great time in Australia.
And then I go New Zealand at the end.
Yeah, no, people come at me in the comments for this.
We went to Auckland. There's nothing to do.
There's nothing to do, Nothing's going on.
What you mean? There's nothing people aren't at
anything. P Where do you just.
I just didn't know where to go. And you go to me.
Do you like museums or galleries?
Oh, not galleries. Museums, maybe.
Yeah, but I wanted to be outside.
Yeah, you know, And I felt like there was nothing there and the
people are going to go. There's this, this, this, and
this. Is a war.
Yeah, we went down to a beach. I got my eyelids burnt.
Your eyelids, Yeah, I thought you were swargy when you're 30
fucking degrees. Or 30 SPFI.
Wish I would deliver that properly.
Well, this is it's because there's more like the the usual
coverage isn't as much there, so you can get even I could get
burnt there. Even me.
But what we did was we tagged. Man in Hollywood.
We took tagged Auckland on to the end, so it was a bit of a
hassle to get there, Yeah. And it was taken us further away
from home for a bigger flight home and it was Monday night and
it was. Shit.
Mentally, yeah. Whereas I'm doing Auckland,
Auckland, Christchurch, Wellington and then I'm going to
fly back to Sydney and do one big show in Sydney to say
goodbye. I'm already doing shows there
will be brilliant. It's just everywhere you go, the
food's good, the coffee is good. I'm excited with the coffee and
I'm excited for the the fruit bowls with yoga and granola and
all. I see, I say, I say, I say.
You travel around the world, you know it's.
Not I'm very cultured. Yeah, there.
Now I don't know if Docker fish have feet, but apart from that
I'm on the ball. Why did you leave the circus?
Well, we left because I just want to leave Australia.
I didn't love Australia when I think I was too young to
appreciate it and then and I was just so far away and then I was
so in love with Mateo and then he was like.
I'm in love with Mateo. I've never met him.
Oh, come here, you love all my men.
Yeah, you're mad about them. And then I was like, let's go to
Italy. So we moved to Italy.
I moved to Milan for him. And then we stayed together for
like 6 weeks. And then I just stayed for like
7 years because I was like, I was so bad in school, didn't
learn anything in school. Absolute nightmare.
And then I meant Italy. Nice pop.
Picked up the language in no time, really fucking no time.
I was amazing at it. No, you think that, but when
you're in it, you have to like, it's so different because you go
to like Tenerife and stuff where everyone's like you're at my
like they're not Spanish. Whereas like if you're in it,
you. You have to.
You do you don't don't shit on yourself.
Did you learn Australian when you were there?
No, I couldn't get a grasp on it.
It's hard, yeah. But most people will make the
effort to speak English when you're there.
Yeah, which is good. Love the Australian.
They try, but again, it's the pronunciation.
I don't think anyone's nailing it, yeah.
They're not really there, you know, Bless them, though they
do. Like they're sweet, like.
Where else have you lived but on Barcelona?
Because when I when Kayla Cobbler came up on my radar, she
was living in Barcelona. Yeah, I said.
Who is this? Who's this woman?
I. Said Who the hell?
Who the? Fuck is.
This. I was annoyed.
I was. I was really.
You should be who I think I am. And I and then they said because
you were doing a show in Belfast or something in the limelight
and I think maybe say, for example, it wasn't this, but
like I was doing a show like next door nearby and then Kyla
Cobblers on them. And I said, oh, I don't know.
No Kyla Cobbler, I don't know. No, people have come.
When you come into town, it's like the Northwest and the
schools wrap in the 90s. Yeah, that's why I get.
You phone ahead. You phone ahead.
And they say no problem, you're. Good if iPhone ahead, will you
get me biscuits? Yep.
Gosh. Yep, should have made that for.
Sure, I didn't get your biscuits because you didn't phone the
first time you came. Oh, right.
Yeah. Well, I remember the first time
I met you in the line, Lace. Yes.
Yeah. And I remember I picked up the
phone to Michael as I met Shane Todd.
And it goes. He's a nice man.
And I said he's very slight. Yeah, that's what I said, yeah.
And then my grantee is very slight man.
Sleight of feet, sleight of hand.
Just slight. Yeah, umm, you know a.
Whisper of a man. Don't like that?
A.
Hairless whisper of a man. That's George Michael songs.
You know, it's nice about this podcast, Harness Whisper.
Sorry. It's alright.
No, no, please. You know.
Feel like you've got it, but I didn't feel like you gave it
enough to the point where I've immediate immediately just said
careless West. But I mean, that's good, that's
good, that's good. Umm, yeah, I met you there.
I remember that. I remember that well, Michelle
Wolf and I was nervous. I was nervous coming into the
North because you guys have such a comedy scene now.
Yeah, these are flying. Yeah, yeah.
Jesus, any feuds? Oh yeah.
Oh yeah, you've heard of Guy Dave Elliott.
Ah, don't get me started. Get out of town.
No, it's it's it's what would you say?
Like, disappointingly nice. Yeah, I was disappointingly
nice. Disturbingly flawless.
Yep. But what we do is we kind of,
it's like a like a rugby scrum. But hey, there's, there's a bit
of, there's a gap, yeah. We'll bring in, you know.
That's so lovely. Yeah.
I love that. Good people, good people.
Very funny. And then we did cook any fest.
We had a nice Italian meal we did with a lot of comics.
That was great. That was.
Great. That was great.
And that's when we got to know each other a bit better then.
And someone said, somebody said, you'll remember this, the food
to take it was an Italian restaurant.
You'll know all about you if you were talking Italian.
There we go. I just remember I was talking
Italian to the waiter. The guy from Kilkenny and he was
like, please. And there was a waiter there and
the food was taking so long and someone was chatting to the
waiter. What do you recommend, this or
that? And the guy went, no, no, no,
I'm not from Italy. And it goes, he said.
And there's but ten of us comedians, and we're all a few
of us meeting for the first time and stuff.
And he said, no, no, I'm not from Italy.
And the food had taken about 40 minutes.
He said hungry. And I said that makes two of us.
Smith, when I said floored the table, floored the table.
Now the table was so long, not people, people in the ends
didn't hear. So I repeated it for everyone a
couple of times. And then through the rest of the
festival, anyone we met, I would tell them about it.
But that was really that was really that was on a part of a
hairless whisper not. When I did that, do you know
what it there's nothing better whatever about audience and
laughter. There's nothing better than
cracking a golden one in the green room and you get the the
the moment of the comments. You're like.
It's a good time. It's a great time.
But I love that you like when I met you at that line.
I think, yeah, you're like, I live in Barcelona doing a lot of
stand up out there. That's class.
Yeah, it was class. That's cool.
And I was very lucky because when I was in Barcelona the
scene was like that. It was very welcoming and I
don't think I would have been able to accelerate my career as
quickly as I did if I wasn't supported by everyone.
Else why? But why we live in abortion?
What brought you to Barcelona? Well, I'd, I'd learned Italian
and I was there for like 7 years and I wanted and Milan is like
the never ending city. Like it's quite similar to
London. And I was like, Oh my God, I'm
wrecked. I just want to like live by the
beach. And at that point I didn't do
comedy. I didn't know it even existed in
my life. So I was like, I'm bartending,
so I might as well go bartend wherever.
So I said I'll go to Barcelona, get a job, learn a bit of
language, and then go down to one of the islands and just
remain there. And then I went to Barcelona and
I met Mike Rice, and that was he.
What was it? What was he doing?
Run the book Scamp. Scamp.
Well, it was driving kind of lockdown.
You could go and work there and do shows.
So and then he got me on his podcast and he actually called
me a comedian and I was like, Oh no, I'm not.
I've never done stand up. I was like, I just do online
stuff. And he's like, well, yeah, you
kind of are like because you're doing it online.
And then I did my first mic. With Mike, I like that a lot.
That was great. And then, yeah, that was like
literally the beginning of the rest of my life.
He's a he's a troubled man, isn't he?
He is a sick man, a troubled man.
Do you know what he is though? But.
Lovely. He's brilliant.
He's a lovely, brilliant, Yeah unbelievable podcast.
Oh yeah, isn't he? Yes.
Bangs the most crap. Crap, we we, eh, I did there
Paul. And then we line biked back into
the heart of London. And as I said to him at the
time, to line with him was it was a pleasure to line with him.
To line with rice? Yep.
We were just in each other's slipstream for a while.
Yeah, honestly, it doesn't get better than that.
Slipstream is a horrible way to describe anything, isn't it?
Yeah, I think it's kind of nice. What is a slipstream?
So in cycling, if I'm cycling ahead, you're in my slipstream,
so you're I'm taking the wind and you're just cruising in
there behind them. We might swap on the Tour de
France. You have you have a few cock
guys. Oh, is it?
Who who do the screening and then they protect the main guy
behind then he comes out of there at the.
End You like cycling? No.
How do you know that? That's a very precise thing to
know. Before, but I would know things
about somethings that I'm not even into.
Mad Yeah, I know very little about things I probably should
know about, and then the things I do know, I know too much
about. Can you were you able to pick up
Spanish really quick? Yeah.
It's actually we and that was a test new field.
You said we, it's C You failed. Double test you passed.
You're talking to France. We made a fool yourself there,
Todd. Barcelona is great.
Barcelona is. Great.
Barcelona is great. Have you performed out there?
Oh, you have? Did I open for you there or no
shit or? No.
Simon went to see you. Did he?
Simon went to see you. I asked you for free tickets to
see Simon the Grand Piano. Do you remember?
No, I'm glad we have. Actually, a few bones.
We have two bones to pick. Glad you brought this up so we'd
met in the limelight. Very briefly, just.
Fleetingly. Fleetingly, a whisper.
Yeah, a careless whisper. And then I did Barcelona and you
were out of time. You were going to, you were
going to jump on the show, but you were out of time, which is
weird because I could see you. You're in a restaurant beside
the venue. You're like, I'm a observer.
I said I can see you. I didn't want to jump in.
That's not me. You didn't call.
No. And in Barcelona, you should
call. Yep.
You don't just come into town. It's kind of like 90s rap.
Oh. Yeah, I didn't know the dialling
code, otherwise I would have. You wouldn't.
Have no umm, so I did the show in Barcelona and then we met in
Kilkenny and you said I think we'd we'd spent enough sort of
time chatting. We've you you had to address it.
I had to dress and you said Sheen, tell me about the grand
piano. And I said I've I've no idea
what you're talking about and you went just tell me about the
grand. Piano.
So tonight, yeah, absolutely. I am in Barcelona in the comedy
scene, and I got a call from the club owner and the Booker and
they're like, are you around? I'm like, yeah, they're can you
come into the clubhouse? And I'm like, for sure.
And they're like, we have Shane Todd coming to town.
I'm like, Oh yeah, cool. He's nice.
They can only know him, but he seems nice.
And they were like, he's got this crazy in the in the
contract. He's got these crazy requests.
And I was like, Oh my God, what are they?
And one of them was a grand piano.
And they were like, do you think he'll be OK with a keyboard?
No and. I was like, I think he needs the
whole piano, no. Couple of things to know that is
like a basement venue. Down a very naked old.
Stairs. And what's also worth pointing
out is I don't request a grand piano.
But it was in your, not your writer, but it was in the
contracts. I reckon your team sent a
contract. Copy and paste.
For a music artist they
represent. For a musical artist and I was
having the biggest crack because then I went down to your
Instagram and I was like, is he musical coming to?
You. Yeah, because at the time I had
big American representation, yeah.
And they were doing the world shows.
Yeah. So that.
But they didn't give a fuck about me.
So they probably just, they probably just imported.
Yeah. Bruno Mars contract exactly in
the mind. They're like, you need 10
bottles, 10 bottles of Ciroc. You know, he needs all this kind
of. It's a vodka.
Is that? Not.
Is that not? Yeah, yeah.
But you can still say it. But I imagine that's what those
Hollywood mega stars. Would want I know the end of it.
Shit snacks, Trafficking vodka. Yeah.
Come on, you could have picked anything there.
No shame. You have to ring it off.
You're hope. You're just.
You're a bad man. I know.
Here's me pretending not to know it.
I also their own new sponsors. I don't want Johnson's baby oil,
Ciroc and then and then just Danny as an artist.
How on the nose would that be if I'm like Bad Boy, this podcast
sponsored by Bad Boy Records and the Sean John Aftershave, which
actually owned the bottle of back in the day.
Who didn't? I know, but it's in a cool black
box. It's not Sean John, it's Sean
Combs, isn't it? Yeah, but.
Sean John is gas. He called his clothing line Sean
John. What is it?
Yeah. Thank you, Caleb Cobbler.
No, it's us. Yeah, because Sean John is 2
four letter names that are quite basic.
But not if you say you know. Again, you'd love a bit of
French. Yeah.
Why? Amigo, amigo.
Why amigo? So my writer is the things I
request. I say to the venue.
She and Todd come at the time. You want to ask for a bottle of
water. But ATV have it.
And if we could have a stool on the stage?
No, I don't even. I bring my own.
Bring your own tea now you. Give me almond milk and tea
bags. I'll love that.
But I'll just bring my own. No problem.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I bring a bottle of.
See if you can't. If you I show up and you go, we
didn't get your bottle of water. Not a problem.
You know what?
I want platform to talk my truth.
Yeah, it's all I That's all I. Want I'm you know what?
Maybe not even a platform, Maybe just a rug.
Maybe just a rug. Just something that defines the
space. I agree.
That's all I need. That's all I need.
Whereas I didn't know that. I thought you were just a fancy
famous comedian from Ireland and I I'd still, I was still coming
off and I think, wow, this guy means business.
And you said this to me, and I said, you know, what was all
that about? And I said, I have no idea.
We're talking about. I didn't request a piano.
Yeah, but I was aware. But like when you go through an
airport and they say, do you have a you have any explosive
bombs on you and you're like almost bombs.
I think I do, yeah. I I started realising that I was
coming across a very defensive yes.
About the grand piano. You are, yeah, And I was.
It's probably our first fight. Yeah, I had you remember, I had
you by the call. Yeah.
And you took my lunch money? Yeah, yeah.
And you were. And I said, I said I didn't
request that. Yeah.
And you went. And you put me in a headlock.
Yeah. And you went OK and then I went
I need to keep. So I anytime I run and you and
Kilkenny I will go. I didn't just this clarify.
And then you kept sending me screenshots of your writer.
Yeah. Handwritten writer.
Yeah. It was pretty.
It was a tough situation for both of us because I didn't
believe you. I know you have a tendency to
lie. Yeah.
And that's what that is.
So. Those couple those two things
couple together. It's a nightmare.
Who do you believe? I'm a truth teller?
Yeah. Then the second thing that
happened, now we've established that there was a family
emergency or personal emergency on your part, but I didn't know
that at the time. So me and Shane both get
nominated for best comedian of the world by Ticketmaster.
And I'm like, and it's me, Shane.
And then like incredible acts, like Big.
All incredible acts. No, All incredible.
They were better than us though. They were.
They were probably big. Big acts we weren't going to
get. Realistically, it was who's
going to win that? And then me and Shane.
Yeah, who's going to win between me and Shane.
So I see this. I don't know Shane very well and
I don't know you very well. And I'm like, OK, this is going
to be really fun. I'm going to make videos because
obviously we're not going to win and do a little back and forth.
He's going to guess on me. We're going to be playful.
This is the server. Creative chemistry.
Yeah, maybe we can work in the future, who knows?
So I make all these videos on Instagram calling you out, being
like, oh, Shane Todd, you think you can win this?
And tagging me obviously. Tagging you doing all this stuff
3-4 if everyone's loving it. Yeah, zero.
It was worse. Viewed the message, ignored it.
So I was like am I weird? Am I not friends with him?
And to be honest, we weren't that good friends so you could
have easily. Been like.
Didn't know me from Adam, but it was still very funny.
Yeah. And I was like, Oh my God.
So that I was like, you know. Which makes you look mean as
well. Make me look more, more than me
and more reply Not, no, not mean, just weird.
Yeah, just weird. Just like a girl trying to fit
in with the cool boys. Because I thought you were a lot
cooler before I met you. Yeah.
People say this. They do.
You seem like a cool guy. Then he gets me.
You're like, oh, you're just, you're a weird guy.
Yeah. Very funny.
Yeah, but you're a weird guy. Yeah.
And I was like, oh, this is like cool guy.
Like, you know, the boys in school vibes.
So I'm like getting triggered left, right and centre.
So I make more videos because I can help myself.
Yeah. So.
Then I get to Eminem stand level.
Sean Combs. Yeah, yeah, it goes nuts where
I'm. I'm making videos, getting
tagged, getting views, and I'm like, he's going to come back
with something big. Yeah, the reason for the.
Delay and plan. I'm putting a bit of approaching
together. I think they've got a studio,
they're doing well. Maybe this is going to be a big
response. Yeah.
Nothing. Yeah, Absolutely nothing.
Heard nothing. Yeah.
It was over like say a four day period.
Four day period where I kind of went in hard.
Yeah. What was I saying?
There was something really funny I was saying and I can't
remember it, and people were loving it.
I was rhyming. What?
Your name? I mean, I meant all out rhyming
words. Shame.
Fraud. I would never.
No idea, though. You can't be anything about
yourself. Yeah.
You're not a fraud. If anything, you're too much
yourself. Yeah, you could do it.
A bit of fraudulent behaviour. Yeah.
Make everyone else feel comfortable in the room.
Am I right? But then you, you confronted me.
Yeah, I did in Kilkenny. Wasn't Kilkenny again.
Wrote the piano. I got 2 bones to speak with you.
Yeah. And I said that was actually
quite mean that you didn't. Yes.
And me. And then you told me a really
harrowing, heartbreaking story and I was like, I'm so sad.
I was like, I won't. I was like, I was like, yeah, I
was like, I did see that. But we were in hospital with my
youngest son at the time and I and I and I started apologising
you. It was like, again, I'm really
sorry. And then I could see you getting
really sad. I.
Was like jump off a bridge. I was like, Oh my God, please
don't worry. If it ever happens again, leave
the hospital and he'll be OK in his own and I can at least
reshare the story if that's OK. But.
So and also I didn't come in. I came in hot.
I was like, what the fuck, Todd? I'm like, I couldn't, sorry, I
couldn't play the videos. I could see them but in the
children's ward at night. I just didn't want to be turning
the audio. Embarrassing.
I think I'm blushing right now, am I?
Yeah. Yeah, It was really
embarrassing. It was more almost embarrassing
as you requesting a grand piano when a basement club.
I know it. Was I might fuck with him this
year when I'm back I'm requested.
Yeah, do it. Yeah.
Do you do request that? Absolutely.
So 73 tickets. 73 you got me to post about it.
I'd love that. Can you also do Paris and a few
other? Using Paris?
Sure. Who's going to come in Paris?
Well, the last in the Tour de France there's. 50 odd sold on
an 80 seater. Yep, and a club.
And a theatre, Apollo Theatre. 80 seat theatre.
Wow, smaller room. And then?
I don't know that with Michelle Wolf, all those, Paris was one
of my favourite cities. Are you going to bring your
wife? Nah, see I I tour during term
time. Oh, for school.
Of kids, school and all that kind of thing.
It's mad that you're. Also, like the level of shows
I'm doing, specially in Europe, doesn't constitute the family
common, No, sure, because we've been losing so much money.
Yeah, we had one more hotel room to what we already.
Have you wouldn't have make any profits.
Losing money. We're already losing money.
You're already, yeah, I mean 71 taking the Barcelona, yeah,
they're like €6 ticket, yeah. And Scandinavia, what am I doing
Like. Well I went to Norway and sold
like 7 tickets. Oh, it was one of the worst
shows of my life. Well, then, I'm like Jerry
Seinfeld because I've done about 80.
Well, Norway. Have you been to Norway yet?
Yeah. Did you like them?
I did all well. I did also last time I wasn't
there for long enough to get a feeling in the city.
No, but did you like them when you're on stage?
Well, can I if you give me a second?
Oh, I'm sorry, am I too excited for you missed the kindest man
in the world? I think so.
The most boring person to talk to.
Oh, I'm sorry, I might be too enthusiastic with my
questioning. Oh, I'll sit back as a go on.
You're like Navy blue, that's what you are.
If you were a colour, you'd be Navy blue.
You're saying that because I'm wearing?
Navy. No, I'm not.
I'm saying that because Navy blue, you're like, is that
black? You're like, Oh no, it's Navy
blue. That's what you are.
You're just like, I'm hilarious. I'm not going to give you
anything. That's what you are.
Honestly, You're I'm going to wait till it comes to me.
I just want to clarify. I want to.
I just want to answer the. Question.
You know you're off white, you're a cream.
Make a choice, Shane. You're.
Make a choice. You know what I'd be?
I'd be a big highlight yellow. That's what I am.
I'm an absolute joy. I'd be, I'd be a colour with
glitter on top. I'm a joy to be around and I
know I am. No, I'm not too much.
No, I'm not in the right setting.
Sometimes in a restaurant setting, that's different.
OK. At a wake.
It's at a wake. I crush.
Are you getting Come on. I can see.
I can see that at a wedding. Hmm.
Stop dancing with the bride. The.
Victoria Beckham approach to the way.
Yeah, so I am dead. Oslo, umm, it was a tourist show
and I couldn't work out why there was like, I don't know, it
was 150 seater and there was about 100 people there and I was
like, this is great, but they weren't enjoying it.
So 10 minutes and I was like, why are all my fans in Oslo not
enjoying? My My show.
The Todd and Scandinavia, Yeah, they weren't enjoying it.
And then I did you. Hear what the Applebee's stuff?
Apple Green. Now you've tried to make a deck
out of me there, Kyla Cobbler, by belittling my Apple green
material, which is some of the best service station material on
the circuit. But you've called it Applebee's.
You know what? And that's because you've
travelled so much your references are off.
So you know, if you recall, you know what, you'd be shit.
There you go. You look into the camera.
I want to look into the camera. You can't do that.
And my cameras do not look in account.
Fausty, turn that camera off, I can Applebee's.
That Shane getting. Away how a bunga duty American
are you don't have a car anyway. I was like, why are they not
enjoying this? And then I I went who who is
from Ireland give me a cheer because I was going to do
something with her about home. And then nobody cheered.
I went who's who's from Norway? The whole room cheered.
They just go out to English speaking comedy.
They don't give a fuck who it is.
They don't give a fuck. So then I went, ah, because this
show relied on you having like, some sort of idea of who I was.
Yeah. So then I started doing some
other just material, and they loved it.
Oh, really? And then I went back into the
show and I kind of worked. Well, I went on.
We sold like we sold tickets. When I put my show on Norway, I
would sell like 1 ticket and then three tickets and then 1
ticket who's playing one fucking ticket every week.
So we got there and there was like 7 or 8 people and then we
did loads of invites. We end up being like 30 in the
room and I went up and I start all my shows of crowd work.
I do like a shit tonne of improv and I start talking to them and
I'm like, what's your name? And he's like, why are you
asking me my name? And I think, oh, you might, you
don't want to do crowd, you don't do crowd work.
And they're like, no. And I was like, oh, no, yeah.
And it was so. And then I actually didn't do my
clothing because it's really vulgar.
And I felt like I was talking to like, my principal.
I was like, I actually can't do this last bit.
Yes. It was a really hard show.
Yeah. I although beautiful landing
into Norway. It's a lovely, you know, Vienna,
the ice cream. Yeah, it looks like that.
You know it's all white and brown.
Yeah. No.
No, I thought you were going to be like, it comes from there or
give me a fact about, all right, What other cities do you feel
are like desserts? What other cities do you think
look like desserts? I think that Paris is probably
something deconstructed because you're like, this should all
make sense and it's kind of chaotic, but it's so gorgeous
and beautiful. Yeah.
So I feel like that be like. Like I've only been to one St in
part. I've been to Paris a lot of
times. I've only been to that.
Eh, have you not gone from a go for a walk?
You run. No, go for.
A run, yeah, but I just run up and I not one.
Street. How big is the street?
It's a big eh. Did you go to You go to the
parks, eh? No.
Oh come on, who you tour with? But we we let me and Willie T,
but we just get there. He's a nice man.
What's the way he is a nice man and when you dig deeper, he's a
nice man Umm it's weird because we land like because the Europe
it's all one day after the other.
So by the time you get there, it's late afternoon.
You're. Leaving again you.
Don't have enough time? You work for a bit of a walk,
but you're saying that. You, you just go around.
You do Europe all every year on your tour.
Yeah, Unbelievable. Yeah, a lot of flying.
Yeah, but I break it up. I'm like 3 days here, home for a
week, couple of days their home. That sort of thing you do
Amsterdam. Yeah, I sell well in Amsterdam.
I sell OK in Amsterdam. I think that's the right mix of
people from home, people from. And the doors are crack.
And they're called people like your English speaking comedy.
So it's a mix. And also amazing.
I mean, you're easier to understand than I am.
I find when I go to Europe too, they don't understand me.
Do you do Boom? Chicago?
Yeah. Oh, that's so good.
To keep an emphasis on the wrong part of the word there.
High end of the read reads or reads are we getting here?
I feel like both of us are losing grasp of the English
language. Boom, Chicago.
But yeah, but of course you're going to put emphasis.
You think I'm putting emphasis on the boom?
I think you're going, yeah. But but so of course I am.
I would go boom Chicago. That's what I would do, right?
I wouldn't say boom, Chicago. I didn't say that.
You did, you did. Everyone was thinking.
Right, there's probably quite a lot of Applebee's in Chicago.
So it was Applebee's not the same as Apple Green then?
No. You reckon it's not a gas?
No. It's not I, it's not.
I reckon it just. This is what this is like
talking to the with the piano thing again, right?
You're very defensive. Yeah.
No biscuits. Not a great conversation.
Yeah, this is tough. It's tough, Tough pot.
It's a tough pot. You like, don't prepare
anything. I was like, I thought you would,
though, but you're not. We're just haven't like a
genuine chat. It's kind of relaxing, I have to
say. Get into comedy.
That's what you want, right? This is what you want.
That's what you're going to get. Kayla, how do you come up with
your material that you don't do? How did you all that code rec?
You see, the key is to write only a 20 minute show.
Yeah, No, no, I'm delighted with this.
This is lovely. That's why I would feel
comfortable enough to make that joke.
It's a tough part because I thought it was a tough part to
go. This is great.
Yeah. You know.
Yeah, yeah. No, no, of course.
What did you say there? I didn't listen genuinely.
Replied to and then told. Me, I did yeah, because I said
yeah. And then you, I thought you're
wait, this is like we also did a part of live podcast together
and I roasted you and you didn't understand anything.
Talking about no, I, I did you, I did you a massive favour
there. Oh.
No, I'm not saying that in a way where I want you to thank me for
it. I'm just saying.
Then why would you say it? I don't know what it is yet.
I'm like, I already know you're going to be like I want.
Recognition for this annoying girl at school there.
I don't even know what it is yet.
No, I wasn't annoying actually, right?
I was very cool, right? So we do talk about this podcast
we're facing, we're sort of sat like I'm we're not facing each
other. Yeah.
So whatever way the room is, yeah, unless I'm directly
looking at you, yeah, I can't make out everything you're
saying to him with anyone who's on.
Yeah, but you can get the gesture, but you don't get.
It all I understood you perfectly right?
That's because the way I talk. It's called diction.
But we don't swear on this spot. So you they bring us on.
Yeah. And they're.
It's great for us where they're doing nothing.
We're me. And you're having a bit of a
back and forth. Yeah.
Pretending they're not like each other.
Yeah. And it's blowing their minds on
the audience. They're.
Like they're mad, They're like look at this, they're like
they're going. No, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Also cause amazing. We love the lads, absolute
legends, but fucking but they love circus.
They got it was everything. Everything at that live pawn
happened. Yeah, yeah.
Which is you went on after a gender reveal.
I went on after. Which is and then we did mine.
It was insane. There was, there was literally
everything you did a. Script, I remember and I asked
him. I was like, you've.
I was like, yeah, I was like, you've a production run, like
just to see, and they're like now.
And I was like, alright, cool, you just let me know then we'll
just hang. Now, now.
That's how they talk, yeah. So we're on there, blah blah.
And then you we were talking, I was talking about plugging shows
or something. You were, you were plugging
shows. You weren't talking about it.
You were plugging shows and you were like, I need to sell
tickets. Yes, here, here and here, right.
Yeah. So and then you then said you
can get. Whatever venue it was that I
said, you said I don't need to plug up my show.
There's already sold out. Yeah, I had no concept of what
you said, but the audience and they went and the boys were
like, whoa. So I went like this.
Yeah. I had no idea.
Oh, is that the massive favour you gave?
Me. Yes.
Ah, no, I could have said. Well, thank you.
What? Was that I could have got you.
And then you would have. But I, I, I went, you know what?
That was a good line. Yeah, it was a line against me.
Yeah. I I need to be like the panto
reaction here. Yeah, yeah.
Where I think it was just a very genuine reaction because you
felt upset for the fact that I had sold all my tickets and then
you turned around to me and you said I didn't hear what you
said. That's actually what happened.
Do you remember that? I didn't say it on the mic.
No, you did. You held the mic off and you
said I didn't hear what Kyla said.
No, I didn't. You did.
I didn't. You did.
You did.
And then you got on your piano and you musically roasted me.
My grandpa like, yeah, yeah, that like that is the I could
have got one there. I mean also.
Podcast. Also.
And you and Willa White were giving it loads and some of the
boys and I at the start was like, I was like.
Sitting. Down and then it was the
extended version of it. And I you know what?
Sorry, I'm so sorry. And then he sang something
inside. So strong version.
Where Yeah. And he came out like the
Undertaker and unbelievable. And you remember as well when we
so we were dancing, all all of us were dancing together, like
going. And I was like, we just have to
go nuts. Like this is the only way.
So we're going nuts like dancing and I'm really squashed and you
were standing next to me. So I want to like come out a bit
because I couldn't even connect someone here.
I'm a very classic. So I said I turned you and I
went, can you move over a little bit?
And you went. Why?
Are you challenging me? Just move.
Over. Why?
You weren't even enjoying it. You're just sitting on the face.
I was like, let me dance in space.
I literally just sat for loads of it.
Loads of it, Yeah, yeah, loads. Which everyone thought then you
were you were getting bad because I was, I had roasted you
when you use the pantry reaction.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was. But it was a fun part.
And in fairness, they literally did every single thing and there
was ever they did a lie detector test.
That's right. They brought the producer on for
a set down injury and I went. You just have like 2 hours on
stage. You're not going to do all this
and that if. They did us, they absolutely did
this. That was great.
It was great. Can you do Dublin accent?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Really.
In a city, you said, like now I can do it.
I can do. It now problem, yeah.
It really changes the vibe. Yeah, doesn't it?
What if I was from somewhere down South?
Where would you put me? Just by look in your head, where
would you go? Or you'd be.
From a city there like a city slicker, like a small city, like
the coolest guy in the small city.
But what city? Someone that's not Corker
Dublin, but they think that they're no you wish please, you
wish you were that tough. I'm trying to think like not
like gay but like where no no no.
What do you mean not gay? Not that you look, not that
they're like a gay look, but like you're definitely if you
were like, oh, I'm a bit gay. I would like fair.
So like a city where it's. Who would?
Who would tell you they were gay and you would say not fair?
Like if Mike Rice is like, I'm a bit gay, I would like no chance,
right? Whereas if you were like, I
would like a fair. Right.
Sure. That's what I'm saying, yeah.
So I was one time trying not to be too defensive.
It's a grand piano all over again.
A. Question.
I am. So I reckon somewhere like that,
somewhere like that's not like a main city, but like a kind of
like kind of like like you could be from West Cork.
There are blowings. Right.
Like is that where I was just there?
Is that part of No No, somewhere a bit more modern.
That's where my mother lives. I feel like you could be like
the cool guy in Skippering. I would love that.
By the way, it sounds like a great Brendan Gleeson movie.
I love. An early one people are like you
need. To see, Although have you seen
Mr Mercedes? No, I didn't like it.
What's it about? It's about a killer, huh?
You. Sound gars, huh?
He's selling cars. I'm so sorry, what are you
saying? And he said on guard, on guard.
And I'm like, I, what are we doing now?
What part of the pot is this? He's selling cars.
Oh, cars, cars. Yeah, cars.
Cashier card is a big thing for me in London right when they go
cashier. But Mr Mercedes, is he selling?
Hi. It's No, he's not.
So a guy with a care crashes into a group of people and kills
them all at the beginning. And then it's like Brendan
Gleeson has to try and find. But he's it's still.
And I love, I love the guard. Yeah, the guard.
I love the guard. But this one is just a bit, I
don't know, it's bit, it's bit graphic, right?
Which I don't love, not in that mindset is.
He on the Cocker. No it doesn't get his cock out,
you would see. I'm not watching him.
You would seize and vowels after mental pronunciation.
I've got a cock, right. So it sounds like it's so
aggressive, you're so calm, You sound like a precinct mass and
then you say something like that and it's absolutely.
It's down cars. Yeah.
That's how you sound. Yeah, it's absolutely.
It's very jaring. Yeah.
It's very off putting. Yeah.
For your guests. Yeah.
No biscuits. I mean, we've got a lot that we
need to change going forward. Got my foot stuck in the lead.
Umm, I want to know about. So you're doing a.
We run a shows here. I'm doing a runner shows here.
So now I'm here because I'm starting my tour.
First the 36 shows tonight in the Mac and then I'm going to be
doing a tour extension. And I mean Belfast.
Yeah. So take a run of shows in
Belfast. Yeah, sorry.
Yes, I am. Excuse me.
Yeah. Yeah, sorry for I'm doing four
or five nights, I don't know. You love a hire car, is that
true? I do love a hire.
I feel like you're someone of people I know who who would get
a hire car a lot and enjoy getting a hire.
Car. I'm a hire car now.
I have to say it is more Simon right because I don't have a
licence. I killed a dog during my driving
test. Like on the road or with a gun
in the car. No, I was only 19 doing my
driving test and a dog ran in front of my car because I know
the dog was on heat and then crashed in and died and it was
like the most traumatic thing. Ever did you feel because of
that? Yeah, you can't kill things.
Yeah, but if the dog, I'm not. Look, Jesus, this sounds
horrific if a dog runs out in front of a car.
I think it's how I dealt with this, right?
Because then. I it wasn't fully dead and you
stomped on his. Head No, I yeah, I ran over and
then I mounted the curb and killed the other dog.
I just not know. I've tried to do bits with this
on stage and see when it comes to dogs.
Oh my God. Also, I don't like it is very
sad. Yeah, I was very sad.
So I don't have a licence, I don't test well, right?
That's my problem. I don't test well.
So Simon is the hire car man, right?
But Simon is an amazing driver, right?
So, and we're staying the Navy, You can see us.
Yeah, we're staying the Navy. So I just want to be able to
drive around, go for runs in the packs.
What are you gonna do when you're in Belfast?
What have you put during the day?
Well, I have. All my family are here.
Yeah. So I'll probably see family, to
be honest. Yeah.
And then I'm just during the day.
I show days. If I cannot speak at all, then I
don't really. Yeah.
Like if I don't, if I can just not say anything to anyone all
day, then I go on stage and I'm amazing.
But that's hard to do. Do you drink?
No, not really. So I said you went after shows.
No, no. Anything.
Worse, I can't. I don't drink.
I don't drink when I'm on tour. Yeah.
Because it's like, especially not these big ones because
there's too much on. I just want to feel everything
because it's quite exciting. Yeah.
So this is my first time. I only just got like these big
tour things. And so I'm like, I just want to
feel everything. It's amazing.
Even this morning packing and I was like, look at me going on
tour. You're trying to be present.
Yeah. See, you haven't asked me any
proper questions, but I actually very into that kind of stuff.
Oh, you want to be? You want to interview like.
That no, I didn't want to be interviewed chain.
I just wanted a little chash. But I'm just telling you that if
you were done, you're. Using my words against me there
because when you said. Don't put your finger.
Put your finger down your guest. I'll not point it directly you
right. And you know what that is,
That's like a peace process kind of thing.
It's the gun is off the table. Your other one.
I'll go to there now. What doesn't help this is my big
alien fingers right now. I'm either going to .1 finger at
your books, half you. Pick, you pick.
Right, what was I going to say here?
What's up? With my finger.
Oh, just my hands in general. Weird ship.
I don't think they're all right. They look like feet.
I don't think they are. They're like feet.
Well, of all the things in your body, yeah, they're the most
similar. It'd be weird if I was like,
they look like knees. Well, your hands are the most
similar thing to your feet, but they're not the two most similar
things. Well they should be if you wear
barefoot shoes. Yes they are.
What else is similar? Apart from like ears, obviously
that that isn't well, you, you are bare.
Your your feet shouldn't be shoe shaped.
Your feet, the widest bit of your foot should be the toes.
Yeah. So you definitely don't have
that. You are really stylish shoes.
Every time I see you wearing new shoes.
Thank you. That wasn't a compliment.
Pedro. Consumerism and capitalism and P
Diddy, that's you those. Kids are getting the work.
I love it. To go to work, talk to her
friends, making the shoes. You got to make sure as both
shoes and not be Diddy there. Deidre O'kean said to me at
Kilkenny, she said, anytime I see you in a new pair of shoes,
She said, do you buy a new pair of shoes every time you do a big
show? Yeah.
And I said, Deidre, if I did that, I need a bigger wardrobe.
She loved it. But then I felt like AI was
like, I want you to know I was joking saying that, so I had to
explain it, you know, a couple of times.
Which is the sign of a great joke.
Yes. Do you wear new shoes every time
or just keep them clean? Just keep them clean.
How many shoes do you have? Shoes repairs.
Pairs. Oh, good question.
We're talking about fruit shoes. Umm, I probably have active
shoes because I know. All shoes, all shoes, active
shoes. The fact that you have active
shoes and Inerties 30, that's too many I.
Know, I know. You know how many I have?
1 4 pairs of shoes. Runners stage shoes, waterproof
boots, my slip ONS. But a girl one?
Can a girl have options? Who's the girl?
Me. Yeah, you can have options for
sure, but it's too many. Yeah, I don't wear them all.
Obviously not, that'd be a nightmare be.
Crazy with the millipede. Yeah, umm, but I, yeah, I just,
I'd just like, I like, I like shoes.
Do you like fashion as well? You like being styled up?
One of us has some questions, so here we go.
What do you mean? Do I like being styled up?
Do you like style? Do you like being glamorous?
Not glamorous, no. This is pretty glamorous what
you're wearing. Thank you.
It's all right, but yeah, I like clothes.
Where do you do all your shopping apart from lifestyle?
Umm, different places. I don't have like a go to place,
I like to just go around. Shop shopping, I like to go
around the shops. You deflecting.
I'm not a shopper. I'm not a shopper.
No no no. Can't be funny and stylish.
Where where do you go? Mainly lost and found boxes.
Eh, charity shops, actually, yeah.
Is that funny to you? Is that that I don't want to be
eh, One of the people that contributes to the end of the
world because of consumerism? Yeah, I go to charity shops.
Yeah, too. Good for you as a Todd.
I go to charity shops too. No, you don't.
To give your clothes over, Yeah. Well, I do that also, but then I
buy from charity shops sometimes.
What do you buy? I got a Gucci jumper from A.
Charity I love Gucci. I have a lovely hair Hair
because I used to work in fashion in Milan.
I have a lovely hair from Gucci Hair headscarf, right?
Scalf. Yeah, it's scalf.
My head scalf. It's hello.
Yeah, I got to run a show with four nights in the mark.
Very exciting all. Right man, we finished the board
about half an hour ago. No idea.
We haven't started recording. I we haven't started recording
is on a par with it'll always get a bit of a laugh on a pod,
but it's on a par with if someone's telling a story about
something happened when they were younger.
As in like, oh, I, I, if I had nightmares, I slept my mom and
dad's bed, then you go. I was 17.
Always gets a laugh. Yeah.
Or if you put the age way older than what the story should be,
always gets a laugh. Thank you.
Listen to what I know. So what's the thing again?
It's got a wins fish. What person cycles the front?
I'm giving you material for your show tonight.
What if they don't want crowd work?
This is the stuff you need. You tell them what a slipstream
is. Slipstream I got to remember.
You say, you say I used to wet the bed and then I turn 19 and
stop. You know you do that.
They'll love it. They'll love it.
Oh, my son. How many wax his chest?
He's 21. Yeah.
There you go. But I don't know if it's
actually, I don't know if it is or that's a placebo thing.
No, it is all right, because if you don't wax, what happens is
the root of the hair stays in. So that will grow actually quite
quickly. Same with armpit hair.
You should always wax your armpit hair because if you shave
it will be, it's the root that it's quite smelly.
You know what I mean? You recognise hair armpits?
Yeah. I don't.
People always assume that I do. People think I'm one of them
women. Yeah.
Feminists. Yeah, yeah.
But that's the thing where I go. Each their own.
Oh, meet you. You know what I mean?
Unless you were married. Yeah, yeah, yeah, each of their
own. But you know, if you're.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't care at all, to be
honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't care, but I just don't like it.
I don't like it. The Patriot got me.
I grew up in 1991. Like, yeah, hairless is that was
the thing like. What was the first CD you ever
bought? Eh, keep on rolling by Limp
Bizkit. Really.
Yeah, call roll so. Call who?
It's called. It's called.
It's called rolling. It's not called.
Keep on rolling. Also rolling.
Keep on rolling, rolling, rolling.
Keep on rolling, rolling. It's definitely.
Rolling. No.
Yes, Shane, this. Song is called rolling, ROLLIN
apostrophe. It's called rolling because he
goes keep. Rolling Keep.
Rolling, rolling, rolling. Yuki's grammatically speaking,
right? He's in Limp Biscuit.
The song is called Rolling ROLLIN.
Did you ask me this just to get this out?
Is that? How could I have known?
Could I say it on every pocket? Keep on rolling.
Would be your first. Headscarf keep on rolling.
Limp plate a biscuit. Only biscuit I'm getting today
at this place, am I right? What was your first CD?
Oh, love me for a reason, boys. Oh.
See, that's your vibe, that's what you look like.
What you say you would have guessed that if I only said.
I get boys inconvenience. You don't have to do it.
I definitely yeah. Boy band, your boy band esque
Yeah, right, yeah, that's the vibe.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love me for a reason is that's a
great song. Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
You know, they're very old now. Apparently Keith Duffy is
lovely, right? Like a lovely guy.
Have you had him on the pod? Yeah.
Oh, bless. Is he nice?
Yeah, doesn't sound very nice. You haven't really said anything
about them. Well, I just wonder.
I feel like you're setting me up for something here.
I'm not. We're not doing that on this
part, right? Tell me what we're doing, not
doing on the pod, please. I better get like a prize or
something or like a treat at the end.
You should not. You should not Sub zero
temperature apple in those biscuits you don't like are
Detroit. You have a box of tea.
I want a mug. I knew you wouldn't give me a
fucking. We'll give you a milk.
I want that size milk. Yeah, that's good.
Is it? Yeah.
Can I get one with just just with no graphic.
No graphic on it, though. I don't want Shane's face on it.
She. Doesn't want the box of tea.
I don't want. I don't drink tea.
Do I drink mint tea? Oh, really?
You like, do you only drink normal tea?
Yeah. Milk.
No, no milk in the tea. Oh, sorry.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I don't know. But I haven't had cow milk in
years and I'm not lactose intolerant.
Right? Yeah, No, no, I'm not.
AI don't like milk and I wouldn't eat any of this many
cheeses either, no. No, no.
No. So when did you stop eating
cheeses? 10 years ago.
Wow. How to go back with a dairy.
And then I went, no, it's not for me.
This can't. You know what, like maybe
somebody comes out of retirement, somebody retires and
they come out of retirement for a while and I realise why I gave
this up in the first place. Michael Jordan, baseball, it's
not the right example at all. He played baseball.
I know. For a little while I thought.
I heard from basketball to play baseball and golf.
Now went back to basketball. Do you play God?
We didn't retire twice from basketball.
Fuck. Half points, half pointing
fingers. You know what song they walked
out to the Chicago Bulls? Oh, did you?
Keep on rolling. What?
Oh. He said you know, it's alright,
walk out to Chicago Bulls. I told you to, child.
Oh well done. What's that one is?
It I think that's just. That's me in the ground here.
That's why I have it all right. It's true.
You go.
Here we go. I did want the grand piano he
wants to fucking get. It and you are.
You deserve one. I know you deserve one I know
look at those freaky hands. You need those to be put to use.
You can just hold. I can play from.
Here if it's in personal I could.
Do you play the musical insurance?
Oh, none. No.
Can you sing? No, I have to go.
Umm, I have to go. Do you?
Really. It's probably Simon, yeah.
Simon's kicking off here. Do you want to bring him up?
Go, Simon, to What do you think of that Lou shell, Simon?
He is actually really judgmental.
He would hate it if they're plasticky.
He'd be really insulted, Yeah. Umm, I'm just trying to think
when your tour is compared to when the episode goes out. 4th
The matches were bring it out. Oh, you really just show up?
Don't you fuck me. That's when you're bringing the
tour, right? No, that's when this episode is
coming out. 4th of March is it? Yeah.
Why'd you come right there? Because I asked them to elongate
it, but actually it doesn't matter to be honest, because we
didn't need, we didn't really talk about tour stuff, so it's
fine. OK, but any but we're going to
link anyway. Yeah, exactly.
I'm not going to be fine. It'll be fine.
Tour cells itself. Tour cells itself and all the
promotion work in media I do, but yeah, totally.
Let's redo the pod and only ask you stock questions about your
tour. So the name of the tour?
Kyla. The name.
How did you go with that at 11?
Talk about that for a second. Umm.
But yeah, we'll we'll link into that to that tour.
Yeah, you should come and do some shows with me.
I would love to. Be crack.
I think I'm doing big venues now.
I don't know exactly, but I think I will try to use some
bigger ones. So if I'm doing big ones, come.
I hate asking people whether they're like little venues.
I would. Still be a better crack,
wouldn't I would do either yeah me too because if.
You're you know what a rising tide lifts all ships.
That's lovely, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah.
Shane Todd sells tickets in the North.
That's what I think when I ask you on.
It's not really about abundance, it's more about personal gain.
Umm, I want to thank you for this.
It's been the best podcast we've done all week.
I it's been the only podcast. Great joke.
There he is again. The sun was 17 and I I've also
enjoyed it. I wasn't expecting it to be like
this, I thought it would be better.
Yeah, yeah. It's been I'm comfortable at
times. Yeah.
There's been lols, There's been lols.
This is the biggest law. But there's been giddy bangs,
and that's nice. We did it.
We've done it. Thank you.
Can I, can I, can I say this? Wish all the best in your
future. Thank you.
Can I wish you all the success in the world?
Thank you very much. Keep on rolling.
Keep keep on rolling. Keep on rolling.
Apostrophe after the G. Past three after G Keep on
rolling, Shane friends.