I'm Michael. Che and I'm Colin Jose, and
we've got a little secret. Actually, it's a pretty big
secret. Well, now you got to give the
people something. I'm not saying a word.
Oh, then people will know to tune in.
Come on, tell them a little. Like how we're hosting of comedy
events streaming only on Peacock, exactly how it's called
New York After Dark and it's a comedy show that only features
drop in comic. Boom, you nail.
Into Michael Chase phone numbers.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
New York After Dark. It's some kind of comedy thing,
and it's streaming now only on Peacock.
You love it. Oh, hey, didn't oh, that's not
going to make a difference. Is that curtain?
Nah, Nah. And that's the start of the
episode where you hear the admin of me sending Michael here.
Should I just close that curtain to sort of help sound a bit and
area And he goes Nah, And that's the level we're on right now.
We're just going Nah because we're in the middle of moving
premises. And I think he used to be a
pharaoh. But at the same time, we're
moving because we're always on the move.
We're always one step ahead. And this is also boy town
headquarters where we do the boy town podcast.
I mean, a lot of you will know that if you're watching the
video version because it's it's exactly the same backdrop.
I mean, I don't think anyone was in the dark on that.
Only anybody was like, do you have two separate studios for
the boys on podcast and your own podcast?
Same place, different wall. OK, That's what we're doing.
We're moving walls. OK, I'm going through walls and
walls. Ice cream.
You know who? Bear Delight.
That always struck me as a really weird name for a flavour
of ice cream. Pooh Bear Delight because I
never think of it as Pooh, you know, like Winnie the Pooh.
Pooh Bears delight. It just sounds stinking to me.
Pooh Bears delight, guys, a top of Pooh Bears Delight.
Yeah, I used to work in a muse and there is more.
There is more to that statement. I used to work in a muse on the
Krigger Rd. Why did I?
Why did I work there? I don't know.
But I did do for a while and this was maybe nine year, 8-9
years ago or maybe not even that long.
I don't, I don't really understand years anymore.
But what happened was people used to come in all the time and
there was like a ice cream stand.
And it was always my biggest fear that people would want ice
cream because Full disclosure, I'm not a scooper.
I'm not a good scooper. I'm really bad at it.
And for some reason there was a lot of, let's just call them
hard lads that used to come into that shop, like tattoos in their
heads, bracelets, erections, you know, the these middle-aged guys
who would come in on a Friday night and I don't know why, like
they weren't all together by the way, but they always want that
ice cream. And I always thought that was
really weird because they were hard looking bastard.
But the guy would come in and go, all right, man gives a wee
toba, gives a wee toba bubble gum flavour there.
And I was, I'm not good at scooping ice cream anyway.
But when it's under the watchful gaze of a definite loyalist
paramilitary guy, I I I was always underway too much
pressure and I couldn't do like a nice full scoop.
It would always be like if you had a tablespoon.
And I was just like, I was digging on it and the heat of it
and the other weird thing and those weird start the podcast
Shut up, right? But another weird thing working
in that me it's right was this people used to come in.
Now I'm not from Craigie Road, right?
I'm not from there, but it wasn't that far away from where
I live. But places have different we
sayings. And if you're not from there,
you don't know what it is. And people used to come in and
go, all right, mate, then card, huh?
People used to come in with a card and go put things on that.
And I would say what? Sorry, I, I can't, don't
understand. And the guy would go, mate, give
us 10 things. No, I did not know what 10
things meant. OK, Things sound like some sort
of weird amphibian type guys from Lord of the Rings, the
Dings, you know, But these day, Michael, it's OK if you laugh
out loud, you're pressing a real giggle there.
Let it out, let it out. No, not overtone overdue.
That's disrespectful. But then these guys just come in
and say Dings, I'm looking things put on this and I didn't
know if that was code for getting wanked off.
And I find out one day that wasn't because I went and the
guy's like, the fuck you doing? I mean, it's boss journeys and I
still didn't put it together. Then I realised that's 100%
true. What they mean is if they have
their Translink card and they'll give us 10 things, it means 10
bus journeys. And they mean things because
whenever you press the wee thing to get off the bus, it goes
Dang. So they will go get 10 things.
So there you go. You learn something new
everyday. Welcome to episode 3 of Tea with
Me, she and Todd and I'm sitting here with the tea as always.
And the idea is you guys have a tea as well, wherever you are.
You could be on a scouts trip, you could be you could be
evading A murderer, you could be in prison.
You know, I like the idea. There's a couple of couple of
men and women in gaol. Listen to this on the on the poo
phone. You know what I mean?
Because hey, it's gone and that's how they get them in.
I always think that's weird when you hear people smuggling like a
lot of stuff in the gaol because say I had some muscly BA boy
boyfriend and he goes come up to my come up to visit NARS and
bring me, you know some contraband.
Then I think out of push the only thing I could really bring
for him would be like 1 paracetamol.
I couldn't smuggle loads of stuff.
Although I've got a colonoscopy so I feel like a couple of years
ago. I feel like there's room for a
little bit more there but not that much.
I feel like I could bring you like 3 paracetamol or I don't
know, like like honestly, like maybe a fruit, like I could
bring you a fruit, but then again, for just supposed to stay
in the fridge and I would be I would be providing the opposite
service. So I just think it's weird when
you hear that some guy got stopped for smuggling like 3
mobile phones in the Magalbury because you're going surely the
surely the, the, the money you make isn't worth like the
exercises that guy's having to do on a daily basis just to
widen the track, you know. So it's very weird when that
happens. Also, wasn't there a guy?
I wish I had the news story. There was a guy recently in one
of the local gaols who got arrested for smuggling stuff in.
But he was what? I like waddling in.
And they're like, yeah, no wonder he was trying to bring in
a fucking cattle. And the reason he was bringing
the kettle in is because the prisoners wanted to hear tea
with me. And that's fair.
I love tea. It's delicious.
This week, I don't have a fancy mug.
I'm drinking a Home Bird tea cup.
OK. Not a sponsor of the podcast,
just a local Cafe. And that's what we do as well.
We we support local on here. Home Bird is right below our
current offices. And I can say that no, because
we're moving out. Unless something goes wrong, we
have to stay here. And then everyone knows where we
are. I wouldn't like that.
That's what I say about One Step Ahead.
People are obsessed with where do they record the podcast and
the set. By the time you find out, we're
going, baby. OK, Leonardo DiCaprio, catch me
if you can. So, yeah, we're moving.
But Home Bird is just a local place that I'm and I'm there all
the time. I'm always there, a worker, you
know, I don't work there, but I'm there.
So we support local. That's what we'll do when it
comes to everything. When it comes to tea, we support
local. Unless you're a major tea or
drinks corporation, you want to sponsor this podcast, in which
case I'll ditch local fast and you can say money toast, show me
the money, you know. So we are three episodes into
the podcast. Got to thank everyone who's
listened so far. I'm enjoying a lot of just think
the added element of tea is really making me rediscover my
love for solo podcasts and we have guests on to Sam was on
last week for tour or cinema club.
What a nice guy, what a nice guy.
Nice cookies, yes nice cookies. Well, it was sort of an
unsavoury incident, no pun intended, when he brought the
biscuits in and Firefox Demi went out of his way to bring me
gluten free biscuits and I was fuming because I said Sam,
they're gluten free but there's dairy in them.
So the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.
And I don't speak to Sam anymore.
So there you go. But Sam and I played in a
certain charity football match last week.
There might. What are you?
What are you looking at your watch for?
5 minutes in. 5 minutes in yeah and people want to hear but
look, I'm not going to spend too much time talking about it
because and I don't want to always.
I love football, but I am this isn't a football podcast you
know I mean it's not a football podcast.
I'm aware there is a lot of ladies who listen and there is a
lot of ladies listening right now.
I go, but what about can ladies also not like football?
Yes, of course you can, but that's one in probably 216, you
know and and fair enough. Look, I I want I want to be
woke. I'm so pressurised to be woke
Look in a panic. I'm going to agree right here
right now I'm going to start a women's football podcast.
OK, once every five years we're going to drop a drop a web
episode. But me and Sam played in this
match and it was for cystic fibrosis.
There's a, a local boxer, a guy called Kieran Mavarnik, who his
partner and has cystic fibrosis and needed, needed treatment.
Then they wanted to busy spread awareness of the condition,
which I, I didn't even know anything about it before.
And so we played in this game. I, I love playing in these
charity football matches because I just love playing football.
And you get to play with like ex Northern Ireland players, ex
Premier League players and it's nothing to them because they've
played at like Wembley and cup finals, have played at World
Cups. But the May, that's everything.
It's everything because I used to go and watch these guys play
at Windsor Park from Northern Ireland, Jim Mitchelton, Keith
Gillespie. And now we're just, we're
sharing a changing room and we're sharing a pitch and it's
amazing. Me and Sam go along and we're
the only two like non professional sportsmen because
it's a lot of boxers, a lot of footballers.
So we sort of just sit beside each other and changing room
like 2 foreign students, you know, we only know each other's
language and it's a language of creativity because we're both
artists and we sit there. Jared Little is picking the
team, OK? He was Cliftonville manager,
Irish League legend. He's picking the team and he's
picking like everybody he knows because why wouldn't he?
OK. And then he says we need a
striker, we need a centre forward.
And I said I'll do it. And then I cleared my throat and
I said I'll do it man. So I played up front and it was
that Seaview, couple of 100 people there.
And the good thing about playing these matches being me is
everyone knows I'm a comedian. So if I like, miss a shot and
land on my arse, everyone goes. He loves it.
You know, he's doing a wee comedy bit and only I would know
the truth that I know. I really was just trying to kick
the ball under the net so I can't lose in these games.
A playoff front. Jim Mitchelton, former Premier
League player, Northern Ireland legend, lays one off to me.
It's nil, nil. The ball lands on my left foot.
I look at the goal, Alan Bellini's, and that's former
Northern Ireland international Premier League keeper.
He's played against Thierry Henry, he's played against all
the legends, David Beckham, all those boys.
He's a wee bit off his line with a left foot.
No, I'm not left footed with the left foot.
Take a wee bit of a backswing and I just bend it over his bald
head. Yeah, wee bit disrespectful, but
you want to speak of disrespect. I'll tell you in a second, the
goal goes in, everyone goes wild.
Carl Fronting's closest player to me, high five with a Jackal.
I'm getting the respect of everyone.
The crowd go nuts and I just love it and have a good game.
They raise a lot of money. We do an auction, all good by
the way. At half time I'll play.
And he came in to me and he goes, you didn't mean that.
And I laughed and he didn't and he was basically like, don't
score a goal past me again. I was like, I probably won't,
you know, probably won't. But honestly, it was like it was
one of the best feelings I've ever had in my entire life.
Just scoring that goal means a lot to me and the reason And
people were like, mate, you're unreal.
They're doing a run out of 10 out of 10 game.
I was absolutely phenomenal. But I'm like for someone who
plays a weird amount of football, for someone who like
goes to training like once or twice a week, plays for a team
on a Saturday and has done since I'm like 11.
I'm not good at football. Like for the amount that like so
many times I've been offered to do something like work wise and
I've turned it down because I'm like, no mate, we're away to
Tollymore. Forest Times executives are
coming up to me with suitcases full of money going money toad.
All you need to do is a 20 minute voiceover for a brand the
butter and I'm going mate. I would love to, but we're in
the last 16 of the Frank Mitchell Cup and macro felt, you
know, and I'm on the bench. So it's it's going to be a good
time. But I'm honestly like, like I
just enjoy football and not particularly like good at it,
but I enjoy it. I love it so much.
And it was, it's so funny that whenever, because the, the video
was recorded, I was like, I need video footage of it.
So I tracked it down. Honestly, I got it from the CCTV
cameras at Seaview Stadium. And that's not a joke.
The guy who does the CCTV sent me it.
So I, I put it up everywhere. Obviously I'm, I'm enjoying my,
my 15 minutes of fame with that goal.
And it's so funny that a Belfast live did an article on it.
And I'm speaking like obviously joking, but they're serious in
it about like describing the goal and, and and and what
happened in the stadium And what, what makes me violently
erect is the very odd guy like my age or younger on Twitter
who's like fuck up mate, your shape.
Am I? Oh, wait, wait, hold on a SEC.
Am I not world class at football?
Oh, right. Man, I didn't know that.
See, I thought I was unreal. Hey, if I was good at football,
I wouldn't have shared that goal 9000 times.
But there's a guy and his background is him in Marbella
with a Rangers top on and he's got a slit in his eyebrow and he
writes something like sure, made there was a fluke and all, hey,
let me have it, let me have it. But a great time.
We're not going to. I'm drawn a line under under it
here now, although I am sort of thinking I might play in the
Premiership. I might play in the Premiership
because I'm only, oh, I just turned 18.
So I might just do it. And I'm not being sly here.
A lot of African footballers do, which is just blatantly lie
about my age. Can I, Michael, can you do me a
favour? Right?
When you're editing this, can you put, can you put this
picture up of this guy? Find his name?
But there's this it'll, it'll come up on the screen here,
right? A picture of this guy.
This is so sly. But there was this guy who was
like, I think he might have been from Cameron and he was playing
for Lazio in Italy. And they were like, oh, he's
ripping it up in the youth leagues.
He's going to be a star in the future.
And then they showed a picture of the guy.
And no wonder he was ripping it up in the youth legs because he
was 53. I, I can't, I'll, I'll say I'll
send you the picture. But they put an image of this
guy up and he's wearing his kit and he's posing for the picture.
And you can just see in his eyes he's like, bollocks, I'm gonna
get caught out doing this. A cracker.
He was supposed to be 16 and he was a divorced father of nine,
you know, and I don't know what's happened to him since
unlike of course it hasn't worked out.
Football is a real like he's not a superstar because by the time
like he had to keep being in the youth team, you know, because he
was probably like here I'm I'm a pen, nearly a pensioner.
I need to be playing first team football now.
But the club were like, sure, you're only 6 teammate.
We'll bring up the first team in four years.
By the time he was first team age, he had plastic caps and
it's so enjoyable because like reading loads of articles in
this apparently, like in certain parts of Africa, they, they're
not as harsh on birth certificates, you know, they're
not as they're a bit more relaxed, you know, it's a bit
like, don't worry about it. You know, what age are you?
I that'll do, you know, someone's like, I don't know, I
might be, I might be 12 or I might be 19 in a lot of places.
They're like, fuck, it doesn't matter.
Whatever you want to be, you can be.
And that's kind of a forward thinking attitude because like,
that's the way it is now, like sexuality and stuff like that.
You know, a lot of these African governments are like, look, you
are what you are, what age you are, you know, and that guy's
like, kill him 30. And they're like, well, you
already bear in mind you're 84, you know, but you could be what
you want. And I love that attitude.
But there's no denying the fact that this guy was a lion
bastard, 1000% a lion bastard. And in his photo, which will
come up on the screen, you can just tell on his face that he
knows he's not going to get away with it for much longer, but
he's enjoying it while it lasts. And shout out to that guy who I
can only presume this was like 10 years ago.
I can only presume now has died of old age.
I look forward to getting into the first team here.
Yes, pass me pass. You're 98.
You're 98 years old. OK, enjoyable.
But I love playing in that game and so did Sam.
What a great time. And like, see, when I see photos
of it and stuff like photos from the March and all I get, I get
so like into it. I get so excited and I love it.
And a lot of people are going money told.
Did you score a hat trick at Windsor a couple years ago on
charity game? Yes, they're going when you're
playing against them field Legends last year, Did you get
yourself a bite upfront and then end up playing for them field
legends team even though you didn't play for Linfield?
Yes, but then they're also sent us.
I know. But when you played in that
little field Legends game against Korean Legends, did you
ever a bad game? And then you should have scored
one and you meant to kick it towards the net, but you kicked
it. Like I told you, throw in and
then your head went for the game.
And then even some of the Olympic players look pissed off
at you, which is weird because it was just a charity game that
that happened where a lot of them like not passing the ball
from then on in. And then you were just run the
bike, really just be in there like you're one of their sons.
Yeah. So you take the rough for the
smooth. But I'm world class at football,
I think. So there you go, man.
Also last week, last week was it was, it was Storm care, it was
storm care last week. And we survived, Michael, we
survived. Dennis is coming this week.
My dad, Storm Dennis is coming this week.
I mean storm care. It's funny whenever like you see
devastation in parts of the world and we have storm care and
it's like made you'll not believe that some guy in
Cookstown is Brian Ben fell over.
What happened then? Did he die?
Did a fall on his head? No, he just, he went out and he
picked it up. I'm I'm, I mean, it's going to
be boy who cried wolf. I'm not taking our storm
seriously. But now I've said that I will
probably die in one this month. That would be really me.
Like, I get mugged off a lot that I wouldn't be surprised if
one day a storm like took me up in the air and then it was so
like the wind was coming in all directions.
So I ended up just being like a balloon in the wind.
And people saw this and they were like live streaming it like
Belfast live or live streaming up.
They're like comedians stuck in the air.
And I'd be so undignified because I like for some reason,
for some reason I just have boxers on, you know, and I'm
just going all over the place and my hair's, my hair's all
like looking shit because I'm in a storm and, and I'm hungry, you
know, because I've been up there for like 3 days and I just keep
going from side to side. I would, I would hit that, but a
lot of it would give a lot of people enjoyment.
But when storm care happened, I was just having a wee, I was
having a wee snow day to myself. I was drinking the tea and I was
having a snow day and I was like, what am I going to do?
So I dusted off my all favourite tweet, which is guys, try and
avoid Lauren if you can, not because of the snow dot dot dot
something again. No, that's a that's a very funny
joke. Is it clever?
Absolutely not, Absolutely not. It's as clever as those guys in
your class who took a took a Bible on the 11 plus, but
fucking hated those guys as I what?
No, I did do the 11 plus. I just did not do particularly
well on it, but I did do it well.
No wonder it can do the 11 plus well because I was under so much
pressure because people that went there before me were like,
here, Do you know that there was a guy in our year who he was
stressed out because he didn't know the answer to something?
So he put two pencils up his nose and slammed his hair on the
desk. I was like, fuck, that really
happened. And they were like, yes, in
their school. So I always thought that that
was a real thing. And shout out to that guy.
What a way to go. What a way to go to the fucking
drastic, isn't it? X + 3 = 7.
This guy's like the fuck that. Give me those, give me those
two. HP's dead.
What a way to go out. That's terrible.
I don't even know if that really happened, but if dead, that's
horrible. I was trying to think of a joke
about sharp, but depends being sharp, but fuck it doesn't
matter. What was I saying?
Oh yeah, the guys didn't do that.
Plus there was I, I just remember all, everyone in our
class, all the tables, everybody was like revising, everybody's
working hard, getting into the zone for the 11 plus.
And I remember there just being like six to seven guys just get
a major, major chill on. I just remember there being a
group of guys who are like, you know what, I'm going to take a
back seat here. This one's not for me.
And then like the guy, I mean, some of them were fucking
Daffy's, but there was a couple of them who were like relatively
intelligent, but they were just like, you know what, I don't
need this pressure, man. You know, I'm 10.
Fair enough. It was the right way to go.
I don't even know if there should be exams for kids because
there's some kids who are just like not good at exams.
Like I, I was never good at exams, yet I'm highly
intelligent. So I don't even know.
Michael, ask me any question, any question, any subject.
How? Many.
Legs, by the way, only ask me a question that you yourself know
the answer to. OK, go ahead.
Many legs does every arachnet have.
How many legs does every arachnet have yet?
Yes. There you go.
Is that right? Yeah.
It's funny, but I said that wrong.
Meant to say 4, but hey, I got it right because I'm in.
Because in the back of my brain there's all.
There's a backup generator. You want to go one more?
In fairness, I'm not actually 100% certain that that is.
I don't know either. Correct all times I know over.
Spiders. Yeah, and they are.
This one has to be because they have been, eh?
It likes what is a scorpion? Interrected.
Depends how you talk to it, no. All right, Well, one for one,
that's all good. Umm, there was a Belfast
comedian on the Chase last week, Bruna Diamond and her cash
builder was good, but then she got really, really difficult
questions and the question she got wrong that sent her home, I
got wrong too. And it gave me flashbacks.
The time I went on Stephen Nolan's game show Panic Attack.
That was the name of the show by the way.
I'm not struggling now thinking back to it, Panic Attack hosted
by Stephen Nolan, I was about 19.
I jumped in for a question and it was like we surveyed 100
people mouth. That's probably didn't.
And it was sports played with a ball and they'd answered 5 and
there was one more to get and I jumped in confidently like a wee
19 year old dickhead and I went baseball.
And then no one was like no, nobody, no nobody knows baseball
in Northern Ireland. Yes, we sell a lot of bats, but
we're not selling balls, if you get my drift.
Not selling too many Mets. There's not too many Major
League Baseball enthusiasts in Belfast yet.
It's a city of 88,000 bats. So yeah, I got kicked off that.
But I don't, I don't know how we got on to this, but I just know
that sometimes in life you got to take the role for the smooth
11 plus. I, I honestly can't remember
what I was saying, but. But it's a good time.
Oh yeah, it was storm care last week.
So I I put out that I put out the Lauren tweet, I put it on
Facebook. I put it on Instagram because
because I am like some Pancras train station in London, a multi
platformed, you know, all the social media sites I do, apart
from tech talk, which seems to be for kids dancing on
paedophiles. So I don't I don't I don't do
that. And what's funny is a tweet I've
put up has never got that many likes or Instagram post either.
And I make that same joke every single year.
It's like an Anchorman is like we're going to the same party
for 12 years and nowhere is that depressing.
I'm putting out that same tweet for 12 years and it is wee bit
depressing. But it's so funny when people
take a thick like 47 year old women from Larne going actually
don't hang out. It's funny.
Is that not a world class joke of like, look, I do slag Lauren
a lot, mainly as Mike McGoldrick gets a bit slide that this one
because it's just me as myself. But also I take the piss out of
my hometown Hollywood all the time.
That's what the Mike McGoldrick videos are all about.
Me taking the piss out of certain people who who live
here. And Lauren, I'm not just saying
this. The people know the streets.
No, long as one of the best stops on the tour last year and
I'm coming back this year, might a lot of people just be going to
give me a dead arm potentially. But as long as we're paying in,
I don't care. But yeah, it's just it's just
it's funny to me when people react with seriousness to
something you've clearly not meant.
Like I it will never not be people really taking effect who
will really taking effect, you know, because I'm making like
kind of a class joke. I'm like, I don't mean class and
that's class, but your BMX is class.
Guys are going, your guys are going your stunt nuts.
Excuse me, Father Brian, but what I'm saying is this.
Hold on, Speaking of that, Speaking of BMX, as I have a
bone to pick with you, but I haven't actually brought up.
In many years. So we've been friends for what,
15 years 2000 and. 4. Since 2004 you you you.
You got that way too quick by the way. 2004 March 2004, right?
2004 you got a bone to pick me. It's BMX related.
I have no idea what this could be.
It's not not even BMX but just bikes Actually come back to me
now. I was thinking about it
recently. PTSD.
Do you remember you borrowed my mountain bike?
And then you'd had it for a while?
It was a yellow bike. And then I like maybe a few
months later, I was like, hey, man, wanted some cycling.
It's coming out this summer. You were like, my dad threw that
bike in the skip. But it's like how a good one,
you know? Your.
Stand up career hasn't really started yet.
But seriously, what about the bike?
And you're like no, my dad went and threw it in a skip.
It was broken. I say no, that was in perfect
working order. That's potentially the most
amazing thing I've ever heard. Let me borrow your bike.
Get on me. Bike back.
My father chopped it up. He's buried it.
I need to cycle to school. You can't.
I freaked. They got little pangs of oh,
remember that bike? Fuck, you've been carrying that
this around. I think that was not the bike
gets fucked out, but no no, it's carrying this.
It's in the lock. Well, first of all, let me
apologise. Secondly, I have very little
recollection of this. OK, all I want was a public
apology. That's fine.
You're going to get a public apology right now.
I apologise because I feel bad that you had such a ship.
Like how bad was it that I had one cycle on it and I was like
this isn't roadworthy. I'm going to do you a favour and
get rid of it it. Was maybe my second ever bike
like I did have a small BMS that's my first bike.
Did you prefix right with? What do you call them trick?
Yeah, trick nuts. No, no, with the learning wheels
on them, what do you call them? Stabiliser.
Yeah, disabilizer disabled. But did you give, did you lay me
it with a prefix of Hey man, you know what, this fucking go nuts.
I don't really need this back. I specifically was like can I
borrow this just for one journey?
Thank you. I think maybe like wanting to
get into biking or you know, you have some places to cycle.
Hey man, I've been in the biking since the year dot.
I've been in the biking since pussy was a kitten, my friend.
Didn't have your own bike though.
Yeah, I did have my own bike. It was probably just out of flat
tyre or something. It's not a cost effective
approach to maintaining bicycles.
I've got to scrape my handle on the handlebar, so let's go to
the dump and fuck. I'm really sorry about that.
Genuine question, would you like me to buy you a new bike?
No, I'll offer to live on the podcast.
I'm OK, I just I think the apologies has hit the wind.
Fuck, I'm so sorry that's been hanging over us.
But here's the thing. And we've talked about this in
previous podcasts and, and just in general, you need to have
conversations. That's what it's all about.
So I appreciate your bringing this to me, but in future if I
do anything that makes you very upset and and have this bottle
of anger for years, just just bring it to me, lay it on the
table and I'll try and make amends for it.
Yeah, if you can think of any day where I've not really been
myself or I've been a bit frosty with you, but there's no
apparent reason. When when frosty feels frosty
and well, I apologise and and you know I shouldn't answer to
shit buddy. It's cool the yellow bike have
no recollection. Yellow bike.
No recollection. No.
I'm sorry, so good. I'm sorry and this is a public
shout out. Did I borrow your bike and then
throw it out? Get in touch and let me know.
You did that bit in your show about your dad.
Make my lawn more. Yeah.
Your dad through my bike, Skip. Like that's probably he.
He might. Have thought it was a lawn more,
you know. So yeah, it's a bit like Harvey
Weinstein, you know what I mean? When he goes to court and
they're like, hey, if anybody else, if this happened to
anybody else, get in touch. So yeah, we need to figure out
if anybody else had their bike borrowed by me and then fucked
out. So, Michael, apologise.
Hello, Sippers. Which is what I'm calling the
listeners to this because it's Tea with Me.
You're taking a sip from your cup as you listen, taking a 22nd
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I back you to get in touch with us.
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He will take what he needs and you'll be the sponsor of the The
Tea with Me podcast. Thanks for listening.
Now back to the pod. We've got some listeners
questions to do. Fuck, I'm really glad we had
that conversation. Oh, for God's sake, some tweets
here about the goal. Still madness.
Yeah, do you ever did you ever felt that you ever be doing
something and you're com make conversation and you don't want
to stop to load up like kind of the thing you're doing and you
go so, uh, you know what I mean, But you've nothing that you've
nothing instantaneously to follow it up with.
Well, I don't right now because I'm just loading.
I say there's a person asking me to do that thing again that I
mentioned earlier doing it on so many platforms.
Umm, there is no questions on Twitter because I did not ask
anybody on Twitter to give me questions.
So that would make a lot of sense.
But we have Instagram questions and straight away Sam Holiday
from Tudor, he shared the post for last week's podcast because
we were we were recording this last week.
Get the kettle on and give this a listen to you for having me
on. I love that.
And some Tudor fan accounts in like Brazil have also been
tweeting it, which is cool. John Moran says where would you
rank Belfast comedy scene in the whole of the UKI don't really
know much outside of here, but I can't see it being better.
Well, John, First off, fucking love that attitude, partner.
I love that a lot. You're like, I don't really know
anything about comedy anywhere else, but I guess we're the best
personally. Well, I'll prefix it with this.
I, I'm not a fixture on the comedy scene anywhere else.
Like when I was starting out, I would have made regular trips to
London, down to Dublin to do club nights and go to 5 minutes
here there. And I don't, I don't do that
anymore because. You'd.
You'd be spreading yourself too thin and be it'd be like
spinning too many plates. They're going to smash and
you're going to have to get a dustpan and brush.
So what I like to do is just focus on Belfast and then I can
go and do solo tour dates in these places and that just works
easier for me. So I can't say that I'm going to
watch club nights in other places because unfortunately I
just don't get over to do that. But I probably, I probably this
year I will have done more club nights in America than I will in
England or down South. I think from seeing the comedy
over there in, in New York recently, they have way more
comedians, obviously because it's like the comedy capital of
the world, New York and LA, Well, probably New York.
And then I would say the style is, is different because over
there it seems to be a lot more low energy.
Whereas I think we're because crowds over there are used to
going to see so many live shows of all varieties.
I think our crowds, people like myself included, we don't go out
and always see a load of stuff. You're very picky about MO maybe
go and check this out. Whereas in places like New York,
LA, people just go out and see what's happening, whereas we
don't really. We plan nights out nine months
in advance, you know, need to get a babysitter for our child.
So that's a long winded way of saying, I think sometimes we're
used to slightly rowdier audiences here, or we used to
be, or we came up with radio audiences.
So it means like your energy has to be higher because we go on
stage and it's almost like beating someone to the punch.
Like you're going on stage with the attitude of if anyone
heckles, I'll make you cry, you know.
So the, the, the, the styles are always different.
But I would say point for point audience reaction, meaning like
the way the audiences respond in the clubs, I'd say Belfast is as
good, if not better than anywhere I've seen.
And I'm not just saying that because people like John saying
that their people are noticing people from here that go and
watch comedy and other places are coming back on.
It's better here. And I think the reason that is,
is because people like myself, like Colin, like Mickey, are
touring the UK, Ireland, further afield.
But we're always, always just doing the local clubs.
So you become a regular, we're comfortable in the places and
the audience are like, off I go and see this club, this guy will
probably be playing. And that's a good thing I think.
But I think I would rank Belfast very, very, very, very highly.
I mean, like everywhere there's, there's good and bad, there's
good and bad. But I think the good is really
good and then the bad usually isn't actually that bad compared
to when when you go to other places.
So I'd rank it pretty high. One flying Irishman says first
world problems that are a pain in the hole.
When you order avocado on toast and they bring it out sliced
instead of smashed. Absolute travesty.
That's an opinion splitter. I know exactly what you mean.
When you order avocado on toast, sometimes they will slice it as
though it were. So it like, like they slice it
like we bit the bread, they slice it like we segments, like
like oranges. They slice it like segments of
oranges. Whereas some places, you know,
the guy, just the chef just takes it outside and, you know,
jumps on it. And I got to be honest, I don't
have a preference. Sometimes when they smash it,
they can add cheeky things into it.
And I don't always like that. Like seeds.
I don't need seeds. I'm not trying to grow a tree in
myself maybe. That's maybe the seeds are
already there and they take them out.
What maybe? The avocado.
Seeds. No.
There's no such thing as avocado seeds.
Apart from the big monster fuck off.
Seed in the middle of it. You know what I mean?
The the the testicle. Yeah, the the avocado stone.
That's a dirty bastard, that stone, isn't it?
Like nobody wants it. What do people do?
Well, you could improvise, you know what I mean?
You save up 12 avocados, you get those stones, you put a slight
hole through the middle of it. String, you know what I'm
saying? You do the mouse.
Keep up. Yeah, I get, I get the point
here where I guess it'd be better if places made it clear
what you were going to get. So if you order the avocado,
excuse me, would you prefer that smashed or sliced?
And that sounds like sex code. But.
But yeah, I mean, I guess if you have one preference to be
annoying to get the other. But I I don't mind either, Nick.
In different. In different, yeah.
Museum avocado is one of them. Things that don't really mind if
it's there, Don't miss it if it's gone.
I like avocado because it it's got a lot of good fat calories
in it. So it's good to sort of keep you
keep you meat. Yeah, it's good to keep you meat
because I am meat. Have you seen Will Smith's film
I Am Legend? Well, I am meat.
I am mate. What?
So yeah, that's all good. Glen, Joe says.
What's your go to McDonald's order?
Fill it a fish sounds very NBC in the mambo.
A lot of people would pin the mambo cheeky down as being a
fellow fish guy. What if?
No, that's, that's, that's such a big no.
He wants to be the Philido fish guy.
He's a bit of a Philido fish guy, if you know what I mean.
No, I've never had a Philido fish.
I hate, I hate the sheep. There's almost square and they
look stinking and I've never had that.
My go to McDonald's order. You're chatting with someone who
maybe has McDonald's twice a year.
I used to be in the McDonald's and now I'm like, I don't
really, I don't really go as much because I like this.
Although McDonald's is sitting, I guess I like to just sit down
and enjoy a long meal. I'm more, I'm like an Italian
grander. I like to sit down with a glass
of red, you know, with all my grandkids and in a vineyard and
have a long meal. That's what I'm into, long meals
with friends. And I just for whatever reason,
I just don't go to McDonald's that often.
But my go to order would probably be beg Mark meal.
And a lot of listeners know I have a gluten sensitivity and
they're going, are you just having the burger?
The very old time? If I've had a few drinkies, I'll
have a little bit of, let's call it cheeky gluten.
So if I was going to right, although some European cities
you can get gluten free Big Macs, but say that wasn't an
option, I'd go fuck it, let's live dangerously.
I'll get a gluten, I'll get a Big Mac.
Give me fuck, give me extra gluten.
Go gluten, right, go, go extra gluten.
I want a Big Mac with just the burger and lettuce and Pickles,
not nothing else. I want chips and I want a Coke
and I also want 6 chicken Nuggets with a BBQ dip.
That's what I would get. That's part of the reason why, I
mean, I love stag do's, right? Stag do's are fun.
You're having fun with your friends in the sun.
I like it. They're laid back, they're
enjoyable. And you don't get to go on those
kind of trips anymore that you went to when you were younger.
So when you're going to stag do, you're all like, yeah, we're
young guys. And then you see young, younger,
younger guys on the beach and you go, Nah, we're not them, you
know. And but when you're on a stag,
for some reason, you have McDonald's every night.
So it's a nice stag treat basically.
And call me a fellow fish guy. I'm just looking at Glenn
Lindsay, who's a friend of the boy town podcast, but hasn't
been established as a tea with me friend yet for calling me a
fellow fish guy. Glenn, you look like sort of guy
who at the counter McDonald's would would order a cock.
And a Diet Coke, Jomo Francois, don't know what's the real name
there says if you could become any cult footballer for a day,
who and why would you be? Myself because I'm a well known
established cult footballer and people kept calling me that
during the game, which is weird. From the stands.
Cult cult. What a cult.
Stupid looking weak cult. So probably myself or Kara
Poporski, Matt Thompson says. Have you had any?
Here we go. Have you had any attention from
Premier League clubs after the scenes at the charity game on
the at the weekend? Big guy?
Let's just say I'm trying to be as how can I be as cryptic as
possible about this? Umm, if I were to say Guy
Chester United, Guy Chester United meal Chester United have
not been in touch but Chimney Corner have, so that's all you
need to know. Look, I've got a long term
contract with Dundrum United in the Newcastle County Down
Premier League. You never know what football,
it's a funny old game, let's just see what happens.
But what I will say is I love the club, will love the lads
there and then I'm just looking forward to the end of the
season. This is turning into a press
conference. It's a press conference, yeah.
You got any questions for me? Speculation.
There's there's been speculation, but I'm just
focused on helping the team achieve as high a league
position as possible and just fully focused on this club and
I'm really enjoying my football at the minute.
Cheers for that Mad Johnny, Lindsay says.
Do you have the coronavirus? You're nasty.
No, no, Weggy, Dave says. Ever scored a good goal in a
celebrity football matchmate? Ha ha, Vicky Allen says.
And Vicky Allen has been in a lot of our sketches.
She's in Belfast Blues, she's in her big Lambeg drum sketch.
And Vicky is a a fine actress. And Vicky says.
What will be your ideal Valentine's date day, stroke
night? Will this podcast be our
Valentine's week next week? So is that one of this well?
It's tryna what? Do you know this?
Two days time as in a two days time now when this comes out.
It's two days time from now. Yeah, but now is in like real
life. No fake life.
Fake life, yeah. Real life like today, I get on
this Friday. Oh hey, oh lucky, I got presents
on plans and my deal. Valentine's Day stroke night
would be this. In the morning I get a haircut.
Nice haircut by Mikey, OK over at Harmony Hair and Bangor.
Back inside, shaved scissors on top.
He wields me around the chair, shows me a mirror, and I say
bingo darling, give him a kiss on the cheek, walk out.
Then I go for a nice lunch somewhere.
Nice seafood lunch by myself, OK?
A lot of shellfish, a lot of red wine.
I drive home. 3-4 bottles of red wine.
Drive home. No, my ideal did for Valentine's
Day is nice food somewhere relatively quiet, but not
weirdly quiet. I'm all about that level of
noise in the place. If it's too light, I can't hear
you talking. I'm not interested.
If we feel like we have to whisper, not interested.
Let's have a little bit of on be honest, but I can't reveal
where. No already.
Well, it happened. I was going to say I can't say
where I'm going because I'm going somewhere, but it will
already have happened, so it's fine.
But what if people can go back in time, crash the date?
Let's just say I'll be going to a nice little restaurant in
Belfast, OK, in the country's capital and, and it was a good
time and I had too much to drink and I was sick in the shoe.
I don't know. I'm not like I like to.
I like to do things like go on dates with my wife to places
that aren't like the usual thing, you know what I mean?
I like to take a frisbee and get a flight to Berlin.
Let's just play frisbee. And not that I don't know, I
like dates. Dates are good.
Part of my first ever did Strand
Cinema P7. The girl I was going on date
with brought her best friend but didn't tell me that she was
bringing her friend. And yeah it was just three of us
and I had a fiver and it was, I want to say it was £2 in.
So I thought I was going to pay my ticket hers and have a pound
for us to split a packet of wine gums.
But her mate was there and I was like I'll pay for everyone.
So I had to then borrow a pound from her mate for half of her
ticket and I paid half. So I had no money for sweets and
her mate got sweets, shared them with her but didn't offer me
any. And I was like, fuck some
problem. I paid half your ticket here.
Went to see the parent trouble, Lindsay Lohan, Not with Lindsay.
My first date wasn't with Lindsay Lohan.
OK, yes, we went out for a while in the early 90s.
It was a crazy, weird time, but it just wasn't ideal.
And I also, the shirt I was wearing for some done stores and
looking back on it wasn't sweet in any way.
And I was probably wearing too much aftershave because I never
worn aftershave before. And I thought you put it on more
like a bomb as opposed to a little spray.
Gary Fletcher says. Is it true that your wedding
venues, too, came more expensive now because the money towed out
his wedding reception there? I would say so.
I would say that's more than double the price.
OK, weird message there. It's not a podcast question, but
it's creepy from someone I don't know who's a guy and probably
wants to fuck me but won't. Eh, right.
What? No, it's not eh, no, no, it's
it's like it's not creepy enough to be weird, but it's like
inoffensive enough to be like, but what are you really
thinking? Hard to describe to you after.
Hey, Dominic Mcquillan says Gaelic football because I've
asked for topics and questions. He goes Gaelic football.
Would be good to hear your opinions as a simp.
St. Paul's player not St He's gone
Saint. As a Saint Paul's player you
might migold a video by Gaelic class.
Well first of all, thank you for that.
Yes, Saint Paul's would be my local parish where I was born,
but I don't live in Hollywood anymore so if I was going to
introduce myself to the Gaelic industry, I don't know what
club. Presumably some polls wouldn't
let me transfer anywhere else because they'd be like.
If you're planning for anyone, you're planning for us big man.
My opinions in Gaelic football are this.
I would maybe watch a game a year on TV.
Like I watch maybe the Sam McGuire or like if there was
like a maybe a big dying game on TV, maybe I'd watch that.
I'd probably watch less now than I used to, used to like watch a
game a month. But I would I would kind of go
to games like run where I live, there's a couple of teams that I
have like a wee link to. So if the weather's good Sunday
afternoon or whatever, or like Friday night or something, go
watch that. But yeah, I think it's a, it's a
sport I enjoy watching on TV as opposed to hurling, which I just
can't follow on TV. It's too fast-paced.
I can't, I can't do it, eh? Jordan says.
Would you rather sit on a cake and a deck or sit on a deck and
a cake? Umm, oh, that's the sign of me.
Oh, eh, that's a good question. Would I rather sit on a deck and
a cake or set on a cake and a deck?
I'd rather sit on a cake and a deck because as the old saying
goes, what's what's in front of you won't pass you.
Is that right? So I think, well, the good thing
is if I sat on a deck and a cake, I could make more money
taking stuff in the gaol because let's just say the floodgates
would be open. But I don't know, because like,
if I'm sitting, I quite like sitting.
A cake would be nice squishy. It's cushioned.
I would maybe enjoy that, but but I don't know.
Either way, it's a party. Samuel No Seamus Gilmore, not
even nearly that says I'm a 14 year old pupil.
You've said this girl. I'm not going to name it for no
reason, but just like, you know, when you're a 14 year 14 pupil,
just sometimes, like, don't advertise where you're at, You
know what I mean? And he's saying he's currently
studying journalism for A level. I'm texting to ask you.
Could you answer two to three questions that could help me
with a piece of my coursework? I mean, it's already a podcast
question. But yeah, I mean, go ahead.
Weird. But no problem.
If I can help you, it'll do it. Luke says.
What was it like to play with Carl Frampton?
Eh, it was really cool. He played in that charity game
that I don't know if I meant that I mentioned on the podcast
yet because I meant to talk about scoring the the Wonder
Goal TV there was talking about. And yeah, it was great because
I'm also see a Frampton fan been to see his fights in Manchester
and in Vegas and he's just thoroughly nice guy.
And he was he was really good because he's got a big fight
coming up. So I was like, I don't think
he's going to play. And then someone told me he's
just going to do referee. But he played and he was a
speedy winger, he was a, he was a gazelle running up and down
the line and. Did you ask him can we go back
to his house? Can we go back to his house?
Remember we went and shot a video in his house and like.
It was pheasants running about. Yeah, there's pheasants running
about. There was peasants outside
asking for money. People were like peasants
inside, peasants inside. Because you could tell that we
are not guys from, let's just say, a wealth background.
Because we went into the house and we were like, whoa, like, I
probably like, oh, looking up, but like looking up at all the
rooms. And it was class and there was a
gym in it. And we thought it was class.
And none of us wanted to go home.
And it was cool. And we'd like to go back.
Not even for a video. You mean could we just go back
and just sit in it? It's time.
Yeah, yeah. I thought you would mention it.
Yeah, no, but I will ask now. It won't be weird if I just text
him and go. Me and Michael looking to come
up to your house. Nice to see you.
I said. What do you want to film?
I go. Nothing.
Yeah, it was cool to play in that game with him, Spugler
says. Get Connor Burns on Get Burns on
the podcast. I mean, that'd be good fun, but
but Burns, he's a busy man, you know what I mean?
He's got fights coming up, he's training and all that sort of
thing, eh, Steve O says, have many people not got Belfast
Blues? And hold on, let me just check
something. Yeah.
How many people knock off Belfast Blues?
Yeah, although it I think it's something you either like or
don't like. I don't think people I don't
think you don't get it, if that makes sense, because there's no
where, you know, somewheres Anderson films I don't get I get
Belfast Blues and I get why some people might not love it because
it's definitely. But it was always going to be
like a cult level thing, you know.
I mean, it wasn't going to be something that if you like a lot
of my sketches, you weren't instantly automatically going to
like it. But we definitely could have
played it away, could have played it in a way which would
have made it a lot more shareable.
Let's say that there's almost like a wee bit of a formula, I
think with local audiences or things that you can do or say
that you know, will. You can play it for likes I
think, or you can or you can go actually, this is just the way
we want to do it. So I would say definitely people
either didn't get or maybe expecting something else, but
the people who did like it, liked it watched every week.
I think the big takeaway thing from it was that we would put
out the say we were doing some 5 episodes again, we would put it
out Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, because the
time in between people can forget about it, lose interest
or forget what happened the episode before.
So I think when we're doing more of it, which we definitely want
to do because it was such good crack to make.
And I think we we will just do like nightly episodes for a week
or something like that. So yeah, I think there was
definitely people who were like, you know, I like this video, but
this wasn't for me. And, you know, that's definitely
fine. You know, people who like,
apologise, they're like, man, I'm so sorry.
But like, I just didn't like it. It's like, no, that's good, you
know, because you're doing, you're trying something a bit
different. And, and yeah, I mean, I, when I
watched all the edits, I was like, Yep, that's funny to me.
And sometimes you just got to do stuff that's funny to you.
So yeah, we're going to do, we'll take a break from it
obviously for a wee while. And then maybe later in the year
we'll do, we'll do some more and bring some new villains into it
and stuff like that because, yeah, it was a lot of fun.
Thank you very much for everyone who submitted a question.
I've got a couple of quick things to plug before we go.
One of, well, especially because of what I had to do to eat that
cake and but at least I can put my avocado still not there and
I've got what, 12 of them? Well, we'll start with start
with it and see how we go. I want to plug my show in the
waterfront hole, which is on the 3rd of October, a brand new
stand up show from a tour. Somebody told me the tour, my
tour might be announced by the time this podcast is out.
I'm not totally sure. But if you want to come to the
big waterfront show, you can do tickets on the waterfront
website. And if you went last year, more
of the same. We're just having the lols and
we're having fun. Maybe I'm wearing some sort of
shirt, I don't know. Who knows what's going to
happen. But yeah, you can get tickets
for that. It's I wouldn't say it's just
about the sell out, but I would say it's headed that way, way
before the time. So if you want to go just get a
ticket, you know, I need to plug this podcast, all versions of
it. If you want the audio version of
it, you can get it on like Anchor, Apple Podcasts, Spotify,
SoundCloud, under under, under a carpet in tomb.
You can get it. If you want the video version,
it's on YouTube. If you want to pour yourself a
nice cup of tea and watch along, you can do that on YouTube.
Just search tea with me or Shane Todd and you'll find it.
Not just that's just the way it is.
I've got gigs going on. I need, I need to redo the
website. Must talk to you about that,
Michael, because you can advise me on that.
My website just needs to be simpler.
It looks, it looks. Yeah, I know.
But, you know, you got to try these things.
I've got to thank Michael Foster for, you know, just forgiving me
after stealing his bike. Well, not stealing it.
I took it and then got rid of it, which is kind of the same
thing. Yeah.
It is worse. So Michael does a lot of video
stuff. Michael Foster, TV, if you want
to book him to film like a fight, a fist fight you're
having in the garden with your cousin, male or female, if you
want to book him to maybe you want to remake the film Speed
with Keanu Raised, but you're in it.
Maybe you're a church youth group who just wants to do that.
Slight observation completely off the side here, but I just
think a lot of Christians I knew back in like secondary school
age sweated a lot. And that was not new with their
weight. And that's just, I don't know,
apologies. Scared of the devil.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because everyone's sort of Man United.
So they all had Red Devils on their on their shirts and stuff.
Yeah. They're panicking.
So yeah, book, book him, book him to do that.
And Dan Quick produces this podcast.
But Dan is, he was in London at the time.
And right now when this comes out, he may be in London or he
might be in Bangor or he might, he could, there's probably 7
places he could be, I would say. But it's a good time.
And Dan Quick will be back next time.
And yeah, that's what we're going to do.
We're going to keep the mics on. You I'm like Oprah, you get a
mic, you get a mic. You get a mic.
There's just going to be, there's going to be, there's
going to, yeah, two, yeah, 2. Let's have two because more
awkward edit sound if there's more than that.
But there's going to be more, there's going to be more mics
than a, you know, than a, than a, a, a function room of a hotel
that is hosting a conference exclusively for people called
Mike. And you could go to it, even
though you're called Michael Foster.
No one calls you Mike. Some people call you Mick.
Can I get Big Mike sometimes? Big Mike, you can.
You can. Big not.
By you. Yeah, who calls you big Mike?
Some. Private.
People.
Private people call you Big Mike.
This time. If you could, if you're gonna
give me an example of 1 private person that calls you that where
you maybe can't because due to their nature there, you know
them private people. Oh, that doesn't sound creepy
sex cultish at all. Let's.
Make a catch on. Private people, Big Mike, Big
Mike, you want to be Big Mike? I like I like the balls on that.
You're like, the podcast is kind of just find its fate.
You get in early with Big Mike and then it just becomes a
thing. You're Big, Mike.
But like, if anybody ever saw us together, they'd be like, weird,
like Mike word. Roughly the same height.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You 6 foot out of it.
I'm a I'm a baby's Dick off it, OK, And what that will do.
Is take difference. And Dan's probably with the
same. I'll be honest, I don't know.
Hi, Donna. Dan could be 5-4 or six.
Three. In my head, I can't quite work
out. I've only seen him sitting.
Well, that's a fair observation. To me when I see him, he's
mostly sitting 9. Yeah.
So yeah, you can get this podcast and like all platforms,
it comes out. And Wednesday the video on the
audio version. Subscribe to it if you want to
leave a written or review on Apple podcast.
That'll be really sweet. We'll just get it in the charts
and we'll go top of the Pops. We'll go Top of the pops.
Thank you very much for watching Stroke.
Listen, we'll be back next time maybe with a guest, maybe not
much love. Michael, sorry I've steal your
bike.