Your fingers don't look like they belong.
They look real swish together, yeah.
I think it happens over the broken.
Yeah, but also I think maybe shouldn't be Bruce Logan or
Dark. Yeah, it looks like a you got a
different races. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just to test the water. Slowly.
Bit by bit. What's that philosophy there
about the ship? You know where you steal a ship
from a museum? You know that one?
No, there's this idea of like a ship.
There's a ship and then you slowly.
By the way, this is not in the pop, we just hit record.
So I don't need to know OK no noise and I need to know this
so. There's a philosophical idea.
If there's a ship in a museum, and if you go into the museum
and take one piece of the ship and replace it, and you do that
like every day until you've completely replaced the ship, is
the ship the same? Ship.
But why? If you had all the parts anyway,
why don't you just have your own ship?
Why do you need to steal it? Because.
It could be a replica. It could.
Be a replica. The real thing.
So you're putting fake parts in? Yeah, and you're getting the
genuine part. Yeah, that's the thing.
That's what I think the doctor did with you.
They're making their own shame, Todd.
So. They can cut my hand.
Off. Yeah.
You don't know. I don't know.
It was a pretty thick cast. You don't know what's happened
under there. Yeah, there could be some
doctors somewhere. Where?
Real deal. That doesn't look like it's a
corpse hand to your real hand. Could be somewhere else.
Museum stuff seems way too easy to steal a lot of it, like a lot
of it's low level security and like jewels and everything.
Yeah, I guess because most of it is stolen already, so like it's.
Just. Yeah, How do we feel about
museums? That was an interesting one it.
Depends what it is. Yeah, yeah, they say.
Like, I think England has a lot of stuff.
Yeah. And they don't want, they don't
like to give a back. There's a phrase I used to live
in France and there's a phrase that they have and all the
Parisian ones where it's generously donated by the
locals. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, very generously donated. All we had to do was.
Put, you know, 50 muskets in his face and.
He was so generous. He was like you guys.
Are yeah, yeah, but. Still need to be like real in a
museum anyway. No, that's true.
Can I do some dinosaur bones? Not real dinosaur bones when you
see them in a museum. Not real.
Well, not always, but sometimes. When you when they've rebuilt T
Rex or something artificial. So then you could actually build
steel it T Rex by bit. Yes, and then you would have the
actual C Rex. But it wouldn't be a real T Rex.
Be better than what most people have.
But then like you also think about stuff like see, you know,
when whenever you die, you think about what would you like to
happen to your remains? Words like.
You think about that before you that you get.
Yeah, but whenever you go, you like words like I like my
remains scattered at the beach, you know someone.
Do you think Mata Booty, the Egyptian mummy who died in
Egypt, wants to be just in Botanic?
You know, I don't think she that's where she wishes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. In a glass box and everyone go
slipping powerful. Well, you know.
What it makes people like yes, thank her just.
Like no, no. I think they should get yeah,
they should get you. But like, have it like, like
they have the T Rex kind of like above.
When you walk into the museum, it's just like Shane Todd's
bones. My yeah, just play it.
Across, but I have. Weird bones.
I have weird fingers and yeah and everything.
So I actually think people would come for.
Like, see, it's almost like, you know, when in the Power Rangers
they all come together to make one big super Power Ranger
machine, I reckon. You're human, centipede.
To to an extent, I think if you like all like different freak
parts and made a super freak skeleton like you get Joseph
Merrick's head, the Elephant Man and you had your fingers yours
again, that's just a gorilla in. Fairness, they'd be taking a lot
from you, Just saying. Sorry to say, I know people are
debating at the minute whether Dave would beat 100 men in a
fight. Well, you see.
It's like Robert Irwin is stepping in.
I mean Dave would he would tyre out after the first 3 or 4 loads
of men. More Robert Irwin this week than
like the last 10 years because he he was doing like Calvin
Klein, Steve Irwin's son and I went into this hundred men
versus a gorilla thing I do that's not his name.
Like he's he's water animals. No, we are we talking barefest
so. Like human fists.
Yes, OK, because I'm going to say if it's humans, they just do
what they do to all. I almost shoot them.
That's trying to be, yeah. Yeah, but it's like, yes, it's
bare. I think the debate sippers.
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Scott Steiner, the big bad booty daddy Papa Pump, the wrestler
said he is a genetic freak and all that you could take 99 week
men. He can't really fight men.
He pretty fake punches men. That's what he said.
He said listen, the big bad booty daddy will take out a
gorilla. So that's that's where I'm
taking it. Yeah, he goes up to the gorilla.
He's like when I get near your face, turn your head that way.
He actually has done a. Fool talking to listen what I.
Understand can't understand the gorillas not taking part.
But he's known for his math. Steiner math is a thing where he
talks a lot of weird things. This is what he has said.
Let's say you get 100 average men, no weapons, no training,
just fear in their eyes and dad bods on their way.
Then you get one full grown silverback gorilla, 600 lbs of
pure rage muscle and tree ripping par.
Now here comes the maths. Out of those 100 men, maybe 25%
don't even show up once they see the gorilla.
That's 25 cards eliminated immediately.
Then you've got a 33 and a third chance of them trying to talk it
out. Then they're done.
Another 20% to stand there frozen pissing their pants.
Now you're left with like 21 guys panicked, half committed,
and getting launched like lawn darts.
Well, what if you get Big Papa Pump in the mix?
Just tip the freaking scales. And that's not even 100 men
versus one gorilla. It's one gorilla versus a
genetic freak. And that spells disaster for the
gorilla. He would die with three within 3
seconds. Yeah.
He would leave. Just.
Start the first sentence. Arms and legs ripped off his
eyes. Totally wrong.
Totally wrong but. What if you get an empathetic
gorilla? You know, just one that like
once. Then you take advantage of it.
You're like, no, you lie there and we'll all stroke your back
and then just fucking kick his head in.
Are you museum guy killing? I could see you being like
museum guys. You know what I'm always seeing
when I when I come up to Belfast is it's a very small sign on the
motorway for the Ulster Folk and History Museum.
Yes, we swear a lot here the. Falcon.
Yes, Falcon. Transport Museum.
Yeah, Falcon. Transport.
Yeah, that's I always see that and I do.
Part of me does go like that. Might be a nice afternoon.
You could do it today, your shoes not to eat, you could do
it after this part. But I think I'll probably have
to do all this stuff. I think like what?
Just think like there's AI have to I'll have to iron the shirt
and that will. Take up a good.
Chunk of my time. See the Folk Museum.
Yeah, it's great for when Transport Museum's great.
My kids love Transport Museum. See the Folk Museum.
Last time I was the too many like actors who are pretending
to be from olden times. I don't like that.
They're not. Actors have used donations to
bring people back. They're travellers of time,
they've come back. OK, I'm there for one minute.
Some guy come back in time to just get his hand back from me,
rips it off. Every time I'm there, there's an
old woman. It's always me and never anyone
else in my family. It's always me go you like some
potato bread. I don't know if it worked there,
but every time like okay I want. The direction to a different
part of the museum and the moment was like, I wouldn't know
too much about it. I was like, tell me where to go.
She's like back. In my day now, it was like we're
in where it's the current day, it's the current day.
She's made a Daniel Day Lewis you're wearing.
Skechers, you know I love that you're.
Mildly offended at the potato bread, but you also take it
every time. It's delicious, you know what I
mean? And it's made, it's made by old
women over a fire. It's what's more, it's magical,
delicious or dirty. We.
Hands and all. Delicious.
She used to start making those TikTok videos like the Indian
street food people. Just about to say that
beautiful. Have you seen this?
There's guys that make street food in India and like
westerners go to it as almost like a challenge type thing.
Like could I eat this? But like any everyone who does
it, the only rule seems to be like you've got to be in your
honkers when you make it right. Like no one standing or sitting.
They're all just, they're all just, they're all just on their
hunkers and they've like giant oil.
Like they look like massive. Walks with like handles, yes.
And they're like put something together with their hand and
like one guy, people are like, look at the blisters on his
hand. They put it together, they throw
it into the middle of this thing and then they pull it out and
then you have to eat it. And this is all my algorithm at
the minute. They're also real theatrical
way. They don't just like there's
something about like there's a bit of Pzazz or, you know, like
Salt Bay. Like they're Salt Bay and
fucking everything. Like they're not even Salt Bay.
Yeah. Congratulations.
That's good. Well done.
We can come in the podcast. Yeah, that's that's us.
Thank you very much. Kelly, last time I saw you, we
were in an airport and you were very relaxed about missing a
flight. Where What was?
Me and Willie T were going somewhere.
Oh, yeah. We see you in Dublin Airport.
Yeah. And you were going to.
New York, that's where we were. That was this.
You were there, too. Yeah.
And you were like, oh, thing,
I've missed this flight, but I'll.
I'll be all right. Yeah, I missed it.
And you were, so your mind could fathom how you're chilled.
You're like no missing a flight is is.
Do you know what it is? There was enough time for you to
get there. You, we met you in like the
departure hall and you were like flights in like 45 minutes.
I'll just get another one. I was like, go now.
And you're like, I can't, I will not be able to make it.
We were like, you'll still make it like.
I didn't make it. You were like, you know, you
know what Austin Powers when the the rollers coming towards the
guy, the steamroller and he's like, no guys, you have so long
to get out of the way. It turns out your sense of
urgency was something I could have used that.
Day. Yeah, you were just so relaxed.
Very relaxed about it. I think I must, you know, you
put the headphones in when on your day of travelling.
I must have been listening to Anya or something like that.
And I was just way too relaxed about the whole thing.
Yeah. And I did.
I missed the flight and I got I got up to them and they were
like, it was a queue and I think they must have been saying
something on the thing going like people whose flight is
going soon come to this queue or something like that.
But I had my headphones in and it was just Enya going like, and
I was just, you know, and then I saw all you guys and I was like,
everything's going to be fine, yeah.
But you kept. It wasn't fine to get a bus
home. We're like, you still get it?
Yeah. You went home.
Then you're like the next one's not for like half one.
Yeah, go home. Half 12 now, Kelly, you're going
to miss the second flight. But imagine something terrible
happened on that flight. Exactly that was so.
Suspicious if you if something. Happened.
God doesn't want me to go. It was also, it was a fight to,
I think it was like Glasgow or something and I was like, like
Dublin and Glasgow are very similar cities.
It's like, am I really going anywhere, you know?
Basically. Like.
The post to Dublin, it's basically yeah, very similar
like so it's. Not really.
What about the people in Glasgow that were looking to see you?
You're like those guys. Well, again, very similar to the
people in Dublin, so it's, you know.
You can't just say they're similar set, but that doesn't
stop the people who got tickets for you not seeing your show.
No, it was it. Wasn't, it wasn't a show thing,
it was some sort of conferency kind of thing.
So it would have been a lot of handshaking and stuff like that
and looked at it was, you know, sometimes when there's.
Not meant to be. There wasn't meant to be.
Do you think Dave? On a different note, do you
think Dave looks like Chris Eubank junior you?
Know what? There is something.
We find it a lump sound today and blown everyone's mind.
That's funny. Yeah, that's a nice compliment
because he's handsome, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaking of handsome man, you're half French.
German. Oh no.
I have to say, by the way, I wanted to say the research you
do on this podcast. So if you were alive during
World War 2, you'd have been so confused.
Which half would want to? Would you want to win?
I don't think so. I think Ireland was pretty.
Like. Clear on what side they were,
kind of vaguely wanted to win. But then your other side.
Yeah, but I mean, Ireland definitely wasn't like, you
know, our reaction to when the Brits were like, please help us
in this war was like, no, you're actually your grand tanks.
But do you think Germany, if they won't, would have been
sweet with Ireland? They had this thing called
Operation Shamrock. Very discreet, yeah.
It sounds like a shit reef. No one really knew.
Which country? They were talking about with
Operation Shamrock. It was like, which country is
this? Yeah, it was funny because it
was like, literally, you know, it's called Operation Shamrock,
and it's like a plan made by the Nazis.
But part of me is like, that's quite offensive to call it
Shamrock. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fucking Nazis but you're like. What was the plan?
Just like you guys were, OK. I think Arnold, like Arnold was
very cosy enough with the Germans because they were, you
know, like this was kind of World War One.
Ireland was kind of friendly enough with Germans because they
gave us arms to fight against the Brits.
So that was kind of, there were channels there.
And then I think World War 2, I guess Hitler maybe thought
Arlen, like I think he was quite impressed by the art.
He thought like the Celtic kind of thing was kind of vaguely
similar to Aryan, even though, like, he must have never been
here. But like, yeah, I think he kind
of, he thought we were kind of. Maybe he saw boss Aaron and he's
like, these guys are loving what I'm doing.
He. Saw the dog on boss Aaron.
Yeah, these guys are. Maybe there's something going on
yeah. If he had travelled there and he
saw our very red faces, he probably would have thought no,
wait, maybe they need to go. Yeah, with the rest of them on
the trains, yeah. But no, I don't know.
I mean, I guess there was no, I mean, I'm happy the way the war
ended, if that's what I have to say.
I'm glad. I'm glad we lost.
I don't know. This is, I guess this is my
moment, too. Yeah.
I'm. I'm personally delighted that
the Allies won. And yeah, yeah, you know, we're
not starting another one as far as I know.
But who knows? You know, Do you ever?
Have a moment where you're just thinking, oh, I should have won,
Yeah. It's you get riled up like when
they show like old documentaries, Hitler and he's
doing his speeches in the beer hall.
Sometimes you're like, you catch yourself on, you're like.
That really gets me going when I hear those. 3 gigs.
They're like, what is Kelly and Needham writer, A video player?
I see when you see me doing stand up, my hand movements are.
Very. You know.
What part of Germany are? You, they're all over because
my, my, my mum's side is the Irish side, but actually her mum
was also German. She moved over in like the 40,
like the 40s at some point. I don't know what.
Happened. I was going to say something.
But she came over. There, just fancied a change of
scenery, yeah. That was that kind of thing.
Yeah, I do geopolitical anything.
She's Operation Shamrock, just her coming over.
I didn't even know she was German when I was a kid.
Like she she seemed like an old Irish woman.
But then my my mom went over to Germany and then met my dad.
So there. So I'm actually 3/4 German.
Actually, you said quarters. They were very German, Yeah.
Fittled, yeah. Fittled which?
Yeah. So 25% Irish.
So that's that's my man. I've said before a Checkpoint
Charlie in Berlin, there's a brilliant McDonald's.
There you go smashing. Well two Storey McDonald's
brilliant, very clean, excellent.
You've the pay to use the toilets which it can be
inconvenient, but are we touch a class because you know they're
not just like. That's I like the idea of some
tour guide given a tour and all you can hear is just you
crunching on some Chicken Mcnogan.
Yeah. Have you been Germany?
No, I would love to go. I love her.
And about Germany, it's great. Everything about it, it's love.
In the current day, I just love, I would love to go one of my
like I would love to do do Oktoberfest.
I think in Munich a lot of fun. You could play international
football for Germany or Ireland. Yes, I could, yeah.
I can do what most people do and start off, get your entire like
Academy through Play for Ireland, get a couple start.
Off with Ireland, keep your options, yeah.
And in fact, I think I'd do that, but just with Northern
Ireland. Then jump the rubble cover.
I just do that old trick, yeah. Just get a load of tracksuit.
I'd piss everyone off. I'd go.
I'd do like maybe like 12 to 17 Northern Ireland, then I jump to
the Republic until under 20 ones and then I jump over to England
because I was born in the UK and then I jump over to Germany.
A lot of moving around. Yeah, yeah, a lot of moving
around. But as I said, loads of track
suits, sell them on eBay. I'm doing pretty well in this
whole. Situation.
But oh, do you mean in real life?
Did you actually you were born in the UK?
Yeah, I was born in reading. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not a lot of international travel.
Well, I mean, yeah, but I was very young.
I wasn't like going like. Mom, sure, we visit.
Also like. Reading.
It started like international man of mystery.
He was in reading in a tutor. Town entitled toddler always
waving his passport mada. Get to Dublin, another stamp on
the passport. I mean most boring.
Like the least. Cool European countries you
could go, it's like France or Italy.
Those are kind of places with a bit of pzazz, but it's like no
reading. Reading.
Cologne and and Dublin. David, What?
What? Nationality, background, does
your family have? I don't know.
At all I need to look in that so be curious to know, but I think
I'd say Neolithic. Or something like that.
You could 2 steps. Back.
No. I I have no idea.
I'm curious to find out, but then I would hate it to be so
boring. Yeah, I paid all this money.
I did that in this week. We did 20.
Three and me. For the pod and I was like just
100% the island of Ireland. We never left.
No one had ever left. But then I think I had a great
granny who's French who. I think I might be a lie.
Yeah, but. Like you.
You look like you're a European guy.
You could be French, you could be.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
He does, I think a bit of German about him as well.
He just looked like you would see him on those way, like books
that school books, you'd be off their activities, you know?
Yeah. Yeah, like dubious Schwimmer.
Yeah. I am swimming I.
Am swimming. And snooze.
Swimmer, the 200 metres, Very compact.
Super this. Episode of the Tea with Me
podcast is sponsored by none other than Nord VPN.
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It's the best in the business like you do.
Reactively, like you're just you, like you just bought a wee
bit of bread, pumpernickel or something.
Like you just bought a bread, Go and act it out like you're in
the photograph. Yeah, let's see.
So now we shopkeeper just bought a bread.
Yeah, so like. You're looking like a
shopkeeper. I'm.
Looking in the shop look. You're very good, all right.
You're I'm just, I'm just the. Photographer Tony's a shop.
Keeper, right? Yeah, look at Tony.
Right, I'm that's just this photo, a still photo like you
just bought brand in the shop. Yeah, I'm a walking.
Out. You're looking at Tony.
Yeah, you're. Just buying it, Yeah, I'm a.
Bought it. Shane is Stein.
Komika House, Belfast, Hollywood, Belfast Porter, Ecalf
Pumpernickel. Port, Oh, that's Pumpernickel.
Schmick, Meguti. That's good day.
Please you guys. Start a German language please.
Do you think you. Could do.
Like, so Tom Segura did a Spanish podcast.
Who's doing apologies, speaking Spanish?
I mean, three first, pretty straightforward.
What? I said say it again, sorry.
But. Do you think you could?
Right. You obviously speak fluent
German. It's good, yeah.
Yeah, I feel like the Fluence of weird words.
So yeah, yeah, I speak. Could you stand up?
In German, do they have stand up?
Yeah. They do, yeah.
Yeah. I'd say I'd just do it in
English because I feel like first you get too.
Pumped up if you stay in a cried.
If you had a cried. There you start doing a bit of
improv. Time.
Stick to the. He gets how Hitler.
Started he was just got a bit of stand up and got carried away.
It's unit type 5. And then it went to an hour and
then I thought you do a. Character piece.
You don't. Think you could do stand up in
German I? Probably could, but I, I feel
like if you did a show over there, first of all, people will
probably be expecting you to do in English, probably a lot of
Irish people or English speakers.
And then also, I think like the a lot of Germans now, young
people my age probably speak as good English as I speak German
now. So it's kind of like, I don't
know, Yeah, I did a European. To small kind of European
jewels. Berlin was one of them and I
think it was like 30% of people would have been locals.
And yeah, they love, they just love.
Especially Scandinavia too. They love English speaking
comedy, see I think. English speakers are so like
arrogant that way. Like we just go and expect you
should speak it or you expect. Them to be able to speak.
More when I go somewhere, you know, So I just think it's, but
you don't need to. David.
Come on, embrace it. I always.
Think I drive a lot and I should do Duolingo while you drive.
While I drive. But I don't know what I would
want to learn. It's like.
Thanks to the police. Show his last.
Words were. Hyundai Este.
Biblioteca. I want to learn maybe Spanish
for holidays or maybe like something else like 1 like one
every thought about this. It'd be cool to just master one
that like you'll never need. I see.
I was like. A wee middle 1, you know, one
that's sort of similar. So if you like, you spoke
Hungarian and Czech, sort of their similarities, so you get
away in both. Places Flemish.
You're Germans? Really.
Good. Where did you learn that in?
School. Yeah, surely a bit of shula.
Yeah. With her kitchen, my teacher.
And her kitchen. Her kitchen.
Yeah, yeah. We did I.
Did French and then the next year we did French and Spanish
and I couldn't do either. Could do.
Both. What's going on?
I couldn't. I stopped.
Speak a language I. Just have a vague kind of like
European. Imagine you just.
Lost it like you like got really Wick in your English and you
just spoken high in community it would be speaking no language.
I had a friend in school who. Lived in France until he was
deaf. They speak how to say a sign.
But like a friend who ate till eight, he lived in France and
then moved to Ireland. And like he spoke neither
language really to any degree of yes, of great ability.
He was kind of constantly like. How do you say in?
French. Actually, I don't really know.
Would you just not know that word?
At all I am. Yeah, I, I.
Was OK at French and then when we started doing Spanish I would
get so confused between them both because somewhere to me
anyway, to poor math but it's also because.
Of so many different slight differences in each language, it
would be easier if. They just made them the same,
yeah, easier for us. Amalgamate a lot of languages in
the world. A bunch of them all.
Together. Yeah.
I remember when I was a kid because like other kids in the
class would not really understand what another language
is and they always go like, oh, you speak?
German, I'm like. Yeah, and they're like, so does
this mean something in German? What about?
This Have you ever seen the? Guys, I think it's an Italian
one I've seen where they just try and talk like they're
talking English, but they're not.
Yeah, but they just make it up. Yeah, it's great.
They're trying to do like an American.
It's brilliant. Accent.
It's like that song that they do and it sounds like they're
speaking English, yes. They're like that.
Is not. Right.
Dave, try and. Do that, but like Chinese that.
Is the language. I would like to learn Chinese
Mandarin. Mandarin or Cantonese is the
other sort of main 1. Isn't it Mandarin?
Is the most spoken 1 isn't it? I think so.
So that'll be most handiest, yeah, Yeah.
From the. Chinese and the other thing.
I had no idea what you're talking about.
Yeah, like that. That was one of the most.
Confusing moments ever. I was in the Chinese on the way
out of dairy one time after a gig and there was a woman who'd
full dairy accent working and he said, well, what are you having
pet and all? We're like, oh, this.
But then she would go back and shout into the kitchen in a
Chinese accent so that the Chinese guy could hear and all.
Yeah, so because obviously her voice is so her.
Her voice was. So rough that he couldn't make
out what he was saying. So the only way he could
understand her to do the accent. Yeah.
That was rude. He didn't put a.
Tape. I didn't mean to do that, I just
was. That wasn't what.
I was doing just, yeah. And all I could hear him say was
fuck's sake, over and over again.
Just fuck sake, fuck sake. And then she turned back in the
full dairy accent again, mad she's there's no sort of like
irony and her just turn around, be like, yeah, you know, kind of
offensive. What?
She's doing, I mean. But here's the thing.
Is it offensive because it made it easier for him to understand?
So she was. If it's the only way you can
understand like and then he. Actually ended up coming out.
As. As to the front of the the thing
to laugh at me and the guy I was with, so I don't know what their
little banter was, but he came right off stressed out and then
he came out the front store like had a toilet over shoulder
laughing. It's like, I don't know what's
funny here. Yeah, this scenario is weirder
than this face. I don't know, I think maybe
maybe Spanish I would like to do.
But then they go, we were in Mexico, they go all this big
different kind of Spanish here watching builders, yeah.
But then also it's like there's nothing that dampens your spirit
more than when you really try like your holiday in France or
and you're really trying to do a language and then they speak
back to you in English to be like, yes, yes, yes, it's it's.
Weird. You know you make it like.
I speak German and I'll go up to them and I'll be like, you know,
Harvey gets and they're like, oh, you know, I'm.
I'm noticing a little bit of the English language speaker in your
dialect. I also speak a well.
I practise a little bit of English in my spare time.
I am not so good at, you know, professing the language, but I
have. Difficulty in the.
Sort of just for topical areas and you're like, what is he?
Fucking saying is that, Is that German?
Is that what I would be just stuck?
Full German back to him. That's happened.
So many times. Where it's where I am speaking
German to the person, they speak English back to me which I get
my back up about so I stay in German but they stay in English.
So all we have here is 2. People speaking the.
Language that they're not the best at.
They're both struggling. It's such a bizarre thing.
Do you? Do you like living in Dublin?
Yeah, yeah, it's. Good.
I mean, it's I have a place to live.
If I didn't have like, I have a flat.
Like, you know, if I didn't have a nice flat, I imagine I might
be. And a lot of people are moving
up here. That's kind of happening.
Yeah. Interesting.
Yeah, that's nice. Well, it's because it's cheap.
Cheap. Housing, it's like housing is
the big thing in Dublin. Everything's very and the people
are great. Yeah, the people are great.
That's the main thing. But then also that the fact that
it's not like the to buy a house here, it's way, way, way
cheaper. So it's like a lot of people my
age generation or people who, you know, a little older who are
looking to buy, they're kind of looking at Belfast and go, oh,
well, actually, you know, I could actually buy there.
Whereas in Dublin it's not possible.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, that's kind.
Of where? When did you?
Start. You didn't.
Did you do online stuff before you did stand up or did you
stand up first? Yeah, yeah, I started.
Online during like, the pandemic, like 2020, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you have a very.
Good reputation, really. For your life stuff?
Yeah, fuck. Did.
You who's I'll? Tell you after.
But I was just talking to someone who was like the the
small amount time it's you're so good.
Kevin Hart. Yeah, it was Kevin.
I knew it. It was fucking knew it.
Now he's always coming up. He loves.
Calling me all the time. He loves his German.
Irish down. It's a little nice shit.
He loves like and he says you're the best one.
It's like I love me A. Nazi joke.
Worst Kevin Hart ever. How you doing?
I'm Kevin. I'm.
Walking here, I'm a little. Short.
Guy. That's Kevin.
All over, it's my friend. It's the rock.
What are you gonna do, huh? I can't it.
Wasn't Michael Frye, he says bad things?
Yeah, No, that's. No, that's what's that.
I don't. Know, I don't know.
Nasty. Nasty Girl's bong bong bong.
I'm known for my progressions parts, we both.
Editioned for and didn't get went to the fry bar.
Yeah, really. Nasty Fry tag I.
Clearly. Fry tag.
You said you want. To do an audition and I was
like, yeah, throw them, tape an audition board.
I just also get the. Job like it's fry Tags Friday
yeah, yeah. He's got that.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Michael Fry's a nasty
piece of No, he's not. He's all meanness, he's all
Vadnais and that's yeah, sure, like we did when we were last in
Belfast junior show. It was me and him together.
But obviously I can't, I can't say what happened, but like,
racism was involved. Yeah, well, I believe.
It Yeah. And.
Well, I mean, that's the kind of the unspoken secret.
It's sort of yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone knows.
That he's a mass racist. Yeah, yes.
See when he. Got like when you went to the
the Chinese in Derry, it wasn't actually a Chinese woman.
It was Michael Fry and he was actually just, he was talking in
Derry acts, Michael Fried. Right.
And then he was turning. Around.
That's good. Yeah, Germany.
I would like to. I only went to Berlin for that
one day basically, and it was grey and cold, so it wasn't a
good time to see the place. But I would like to.
I would like to go to Germany more.
I'm going to do Hamburg and Berlin on the tour next time.
Oh yeah. It's a great, it's a really
great place and people don't visit enough, I don't think
because it's it's very big. It's got loads.
It's got like, you know, you've got the mountains and nice place
down in Munich where you can like Munich's beautiful.
It's also a very cheap, cheap place to visit.
Berlin's. I go there a lot because I got
like siblings and stuff and family there and I can picture
you. Smoking in Berlin I do smoke in.
Berlin, Yeah, yeah. Because I want to look cool in
front of my Gen Z brother. And I'm like, yeah, cheers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
But they are, you know, it's cool druggie.
Kind of like, not cool. Yeah, it's.
Not on the eyes of the Lord anyway.
I don't partake. In that, what else do you like
specifically? Yeah.
Is this drug called Love? Yeah.
Not enough of that. There's this.
They just don't live. In this room, Yeah.
Can I tell you a story about our friend when he was in Munich?
Yeah. Come on.
You know this guy too. Don't say if you know he is not
a comedian, not Volvo stand up in any way.
You guys met him recently? So.
My friend was working in Germany for a year.
What's his name? No, he's working in Germany for
not a stand up. Working in Germany for a year.
And he had like a landlady who was like an old German lady, and
she was like, really like, nasty and like, nasty.
Nasty. She was a.
Nasty, nasty and she. Most of them are.
And she just like made life really difficult for him.
She was just a nightmare, really rude and kept changing the terms
of his agreement and all this kind of stuff.
Anyway, I'll do that. He he hated her that much that
like the day he was leaving, she was out of the flat for like an
hour to go do something and she left the Bolognese on the pot on
the stove and her friend was coming around.
So our friend did a piss in a glass and poured most of it into
the bolognese, then realised he had quite a bit left.
He didn't want to overdo it in the Bolognese, so he started
going around various things in her house, like her shampoo
bottle and everything and like putting it everywhere.
And then? And then when she came back to
have her piss bolognese, she had like 2 wee friends with her and
he was like Oh no, he had no beef with them like and yeah and
he felt really bad about it but. They were like this fucking
delicious. Yeah, it's like Shane's Papa.
Nicholas, could you do? It I need pumpernickel?
That's fuck. Man, that's a way to make.
Yourself. A villain, but she must have
been. Terrible because he's a lovely
guy, but for him to do that I could never.
Trust that. Like, I don't think I'd ever
like he. He's done that and I don't think
I could ever leave him alone with anything that I owned.
But do you think that? If you boil up Bolognese anyway,
the pest probably. I mean I.
Could dispute it would yeah. Would burn it.
Would burn it down. You know, I would have touched
my Willy on it just. I would have done me then
probably would have burned him. Actually, no, it's not a good
idea. Imagine.
Imagine he did that and he was like, oh, like a friend's gonna
be so upset, and then a friend's Bear Grylls and he's like, fuck
sake. Yeah, yeah, he's gonna fucking.
Love this. I love some more place like my
delicious. Bodies I've ever heard I hadn't
rehearsed. That, but that was OK.
Yeah, you're you're in a death, Bear Grylls.
But they ever. See the meme doing the rounds
about bear girls in his last show that he did that he it was
just he was out with Mel B in the wilderness and he got stung
by a jellyfish so and he couldn't reach to pee on himself
so he had to get Mel B to do it. So this whole thing be like
Herbert had to get peed on by a Spice Girl and it kept happening
to him every time he kept standing on the same thing on
his tongue. Couldn't believe it.
This is the. Combination of it all, like he
when he was 21, he saw Spice Girls and he drew a big plan.
He's like, how do I get Mel B to pee on me?
Yeah, this has been years and years of all the spice.
Girls Mel B is the 1 you could. Most.
Realistically, get to pee on you.
Victoria's got the last one he's going to do.
Yeah, yeah. Wouldn't.
Get David. Will not lie that way, no.
Then. It's it's mental that I'm trying
to work out who would have the most hydrated urine as well.
Yeah, because you don't want to get Mel C sporty.
So yeah, she's probably drinking a lot of water, yeah.
I have abundance just very like sweet, so I imagine her pee
would be just like water and gamma.
Bun drinks like we cans of like sugar free Red Bull quite a lot,
yeah. We think every spice.
Girls, were you saying? That they might be like
carbonated. Oh, you.
You're. Going into the shops for the
Spice Girls, you tell him when we drink here, a newsagent type
shop, What do you think that happened?
I can't even. I don't know, I trying to think
of the Spice Girls and they're not coming.
I know the one that's married to David Beckham.
I can't imagine she knows like even what's in a shop, you know,
like she's kind of and then there's a blonde one baby, baby.
Baby. Like she's.
Is she underage? Can she have alcohol like she
would have like? Formula milk Formula with
formula milk. She'd be in a.
Rusk. Yeah.
Jerry Hollowell would have ginger ale, of course.
Yeah, Steve. And Mel C would have look as he
had sport, yes. She's a sporty.
One. Yeah, that's good.
OK. And Mel, Mel be scary.
It's not really a scary buckfast.
It's pretty scary. These are like a.
Halloween. I think, I think Vic.
Maybe there's a Halloween. Say anything.
Kind of. But do you have anything?
Halloween, I would say. And Victoria drinks like, you
know, high end water, like, you know, influencer putting his
face on. Yeah, she drinks that with,
like, lemon. Kelly What?
Are you going to do in between this pot and your show?
Because you're going to have about six hours to kill, and I
want to know what are you going to do in that time?
What do you envision yourself doing?
I have I. I am always keep a set of this
is embarrassing to admit a set of golf clubs in my touring car,
so if there's time, we're trying to find a ring.
Car. Is it just your normal car now?
It's my Touring. Car.
It's a difference. In your car, in your touring
car, because I. Bought it at the start of in.
January, it's my first car and and specifically for that I need
to tour. But do you drive?
It when you're not turned, yeah, but that.
Means I'm it's a misuse. It's a misuse of the car.
I'm I'm driving around going, jeez, I hope the police don't
catch me. But if it's just your card.
And you tour. No, it's like if the police
stopped me, I'd be like, I'm so sorry, I'm driving my touring
car. This is.
Your it's insured as a regular car like no you know and I know
I'm breaking. The law here, you're slipping
them 20. Euro, they're going this is
illegal. What are you?
Looking for in a touring car that you wouldn't necessarily
want in a regular car? Well.
Touring car needs to be able to fit loads of stuff.
Like what? Like.
I got a. Guitar am Golf clubs.
Yeah, very good. Doesn't know nothing about cars.
So when I do you have your? Regular car then too.
It's not your tour car. Can I?
If you say no to this, this ruins everything.
Like so other than your tour car, do you have a regular car?
We have. We have a van.
Which is sort of a touring van. Because we don't really, but
every car is a. Touring car.
Yeah, it. Takes you A to B, doesn't it?
Yeah, but like, please. You're going to go to C.
As well. I'm thinking.
Outside the box, but I saw you I.
Directed you into your carport. Your touring car is not that big
of a car, but. It's touring.
Car you saw? Yeah, you.
Said that to me. I'm pretty sure.
It's your touring car. But why do you have golf clubs?
Well. Because I like.
Playing so it's then then, you know, like I like.
I. Play.
I like playing guitar, so I have a guitar.
So it's kind of like that. Like I just, I have, I like
playing golf, so I have the golf clubs, but might.
You go to your driving range in between, Yeah, something like.
That yeah, yeah. Well, usually pitch and put.
Yeah, can. I just go.
Back to something that happened earlier in the conversation
where Shana suggested you visit the Folk and Transport Museum,
but you said a lot of time, like where did it just happen to?
We sing song and a rounded golf come in.
Such a bizarre. I think.
I think I'd like. To think that I'm the kind of
person who would visit the Falcon Transport Museum, but I
actually couldn't be fucked. Like I think it would probably
be boring, but there's a lot. Of open space so you could
double up. Would you consider?
Getting a golfing car. A what?
A golfing car? Well, yeah.
I mean, that's when I go golfing.
But what? Business did the Golf Club
because I'm saving. Up for a shop car for one
another shop. Maybe afterwards the world's
biggest driveway give a gig to. A car as well just do a gig and.
Yeah, it's not when I'm torn. It's just, yeah.
Trying to take gig. Yeah, yeah.
But this summer we're going to a beach car too, but just for the
beach. Yeah, I have an MOT.
Car that I bring just to do the MOT.
But it says. You've got 17 cars.
I'm like, well this is. The one for the MOT?
Did a coffee car as well. Yeah, yeah, got a ball.
Oh my, yeah, man, I'm in a lot of debt.
So I'm here like, I don't know. Do you remember?
That house, I don't know if it's still there.
This is still going Helen's Bay, which is between like Hollywood
and Bangor, and a guy wanted planning permission for
something and they wouldn't give him, and that's a Crawford.
'S burn in it just like, say, the back of the Country Park.
So he's like, all right. I'll just buy like a load of
cars because it's like a beautiful area, picturesque
area. So this guy just started buying
cars like scrap cars and leaving them all around this.
Guy, he would do that all. Around his gal and it was a
complete eyesore for decades. Is that still there?
It's it's. Been cleared up.
I believe he's passed away, so I don't know whether that's why
did you do. That.
Because they wouldn't give him plan to like extend, so he just
bought all these scrap cars and just left them.
Because where it is, it's like the bottom of a hill.
So if you're coming past through Crawfordsburn, you look down,
you see it would be like almost in a wee bit of a bit of a veil,
it would be beautiful. But then it's all these wrecked,
rusted cars every people haven't said.
In a veil in centuries. I think the veil master.
I should meet. You in the veil.
Dawn. But I actually found.
I'll go past that later. I may take a photograph and show
you. Would you like to have?
Been an olden times guy. Like would you have liked to
live in olden times? I think.
I think I would have liked that. Yeah, I think you would.
Like that? Yeah.
How do you? Prepare for this.
Podcast, would you? Have to be an old times.
Guy No, you know what? I.
Mean like he knows. He knows the man like that's
that's he's a good reader of people I would see you living
in. Like Roman times?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm into that stuff.
I listen to a lot around. I like, you know, doubloons, you
know, do you like to going on a swashbuckling journey like that
kind of adventure? We're going on an adventure.
I'm into that kind of stuff. I can see you being.
You would be a bad pirate. I reckon you'd be too
enthusiastic to be that safe. Oh my.
God, I know who we look like. Speaking of olden times, Captain
Hook bosons me Peter Pan. Let's do and fairly put your.
Hand though, you're more Captain Hulk.
Oh yeah, yeah. Like a real, like a new
reimagine and offer. This would be a play that'll be
on the Lyric Councils. Yeah, you would be.
You would be a good. Panto Peter Pan, I think.
You say maybe I can get better, but yeah, I think we think I
would sell. Well, if we put on a production,
the three of us and Peter Pan, I swear to.
God, it would be good. I think it would be good.
We did a reimagined version comedy type thing.
Yes, let's. Book it and just get a date.
And do you think parents? Would be happy leaving their
kids off to go that it's it's overrated.
OK, well then we're not making any money because pantos are for
kids. Now an adult.
Panto, they love it up here. Yeah, all.
Panto. Full Monty, yeah.
I think we'll do it. Instead, I actually think we
could. I think we can make a grid.
I only saw the hook film for the first time, but two weeks ago,
the Robin Williams 10. It's good.
Dark. Like, yeah, it's sad.
They murder. The We Asian boy, Raphael.
Do they? He gets.
Haste by completely deserved it. Thank you.
Yeah, he gets. Murdered like Oh my God.
Yeah, he does. But it's also a few.
There's a plot hole there, really, because Peter Pan's boy
never grew up, but he left and grew up, came back as a.
It's weird, you know? Yeah.
And there's. There's.
Theories about. Peter Pan that like Peter Pan is
the bad guy and Captain Hook is like I think.
He cut off his. Hand off, slow are the.
Alligator editor something, don't they?
Yeah. Yeah, I mean, but like there's.
Dark theories about Peter Pan He's messing with the.
Sort of disabled person. He's kind of tormenting this,
yeah, person who actually has a gang of like, youths,
disadvantaged youths who he kind of has.
And Peter Pan's like, just fucking with him.
Yep, he's a monster. There's rumours.
About Peter Pan being a bit naughty, honestly.
Really. Yeah.
We looked into this National talk about it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you're not there.
Come to the. Waterfront to see the new
reimagined Peter Pan. He's a Nazi.
He's a Naz. Yeah, just disabled.
People. Per hook.
Yeah, per Hook. Yeah, but then didn't he get?
Gargled by a big alligator knee and the clock fell on him.
I never realised docs. I thought it's dead.
So not be able to eat them up you know?
No, it just crushes. Them right, OK.
And Smee, did he just leave with all the money or something?
Oh yes. Me was trying to get out of
there at one point. I see.
Wouldn't trust. Me having kids, you.
Guys know all this stuff. I knew this from.
When I was a kid, you remember. That well, I remember.
The story of Peter Pan I know that I.
Don't remember a clock on on the guy's head and I'm getting in by
an alligator, yeah. That was in.
Hook, though, so it's yeah, say. Different all shit of the brown
fucking OK. Sorry guys, am I getting kicked
off the riding team for this? But see when they.
Have the imaginary food lost boys?
I remember the pound gets his magic bar and all of a sudden
they have a feast. Are they imagining that?
Yeah, right. But it's.
But what I don't get is there's a very overweight young man and
like, that's not imaginary food. Like if you're imagining food,
you'd be a bit more amiciated. That was like Hurley.
And lost used to get so much shit.
People were like, well, obviously this can't happen.
Because they can't be. Stronger there because Hurley
still like putting putting something away like.
Yeah, you know. He's like.
Yeah, guys. Also so.
Hungry. Yeah.
I don't know what. Yeah, I'm starving.
You know you've gotten. See, that's probably like the
big money he's actually actors getting, isn't it?
He's got that big money feeding up.
But Hurley should be. It's a hard I remember.
When Lost came out at the time and I remember watching like the
first episode and going like pressure, I understand the plot
of this and people were like. Really see what they're.
Going to do with it. And then it was just entirely
what you thought. It was like purgatory.
Yeah, that would. I remember.
They kind of smart people like yourself, Shane.
But people. Figured that out.
And then they started writing and roundabouts to try and go,
no, it's not. You know, when like you guess a
kids story where it's going and they start going, no, it's
actually not purgatory. It's kind of like a place that
like you. Die but then.
It's not that it's different, it's actually like hell, but
it's a different reality. And then it just got fucking
terrible. Yeah, it really got real bad.
He just answered. Why Harley doesn't lose weight?
Because he's in purgatory. It's how he died.
Yeah. Go bingo.
Do. You, by the way, your schedule
was great. I've said that to Michael.
Oh, thanks. Thank you so much, really good.
Don't. Tell it to kill him, I thought.
Everyone. Was great in the spite of
killing. Being in it, I thought everyone
was. Great in a bar, Michael, Yes,
Yeah. But do you, do you like writing
other things as well? Like, is you cooking up anything
like you writing on any, like, you know, like a Western, right?
Like, are you, are you like sometimes like a guy in the
background behind any writing things, you know?
Yeah. Inter scatter.
Yeah, that was me. No, not at the moment.
I mean, I'm just writing. There's a hard enough doing like
your little sketches and then you're doing the the stand up
and then you're kind of doing like maybe when I finished this
tour and and then I'm doing Edinburgh as well.
But then maybe when I finished that, I might like try and make
it like a shorts or something like that.
But like sketches now, like I feel like I wouldn't mind making
them with other people in a kind of just like not on TV kind of
way. Like I kind of like the idea of
just doing them. I was over in England and
there's the comedians in England just like meet up and make them
on their own together. Like kind of, I feel like we
used to, but we don't really do as much anymore.
So I kind of would like to do a bit more of that, but I'm not
like, you know, like Sean Burke, like writes for every fucking TV
show. Evidently.
You kind of write, Michelle. Burke at the minute, he wrote.
This podcast, he's just like. I imagine Sean Burke has, like,
cloned himself multiple times. Yeah.
So he just has other Sean Burke's doing writing projects.
You know, there's like A and they'll meet, but you never get
to see it. But there's like a load of Sean
Burke's. But then the plot twist is he's
no doubt and who the original Sean Burke is.
That's do you know what I mean? That's a good contest.
That could be a great show. We could write, but then he does
Sean. Burke need a car.
I got a fucked on man I am. Yeah, I I'm gonna be cool to
write on a series, but do you have no involvement with?
Yeah. Did you put?
In there for no like you're not in, sorry, OK.
Sorry, did you put in for the? The UKSML.
Yeah, as a writer or performer? Both.
Yeah, just to that, I don't think there's.
What did you do? If you don't mind me saying,
maybe you can tell me roughly for the performance part of it.
Still a few. Different varying characters,
but of accent. Did this Chinese guy an Indian
man as well? I did like a guy who's got
family from Pakistan and India and he just hops over the
Kashmir borders and yeah, kicks off a wee bit.
Instead. Of getting yeah, instead of
getting like, you know, accepted he's going to have like, police
show up at the. Net police, yeah.
And he'll arrive and be like quick as I get away from the
police car. No, but that violence.
Between India and Pakistan hopefully will answer.
I know it's I mean. It's terrible when are.
People going to realise. Conflicts.
Not the answer. It's dialogue, no?
You know, style. Of it is, what's my question?
Exactly. Yeah, that's the Pope.
Sad piece, new Pope. New Pope?
Leo American. Yeah, American, but and I like
saying Poplio, it's just, it's it's quite fun.
Yeah, yeah. Populo sounds nice, but he's.
Coming out to be like, listen, I'm more South American, Pope.
I hung out in Peru a lot of time.
Yeah, I was born in Chicago. Whatevs.
When I'm the Peru man, that's given.
Real like Hilary, actually. Spent.
My summer in Barcelona. Hilaria.
He's living that. Yes.
Hilaria. Yeah, The Paddington.
Pope, I said. Did you call?
Him. Pope Leo.
Sounds like a wee German guy you to watch grown up it is.
Pope Leo. Deck Rhino.
Pope. Yeah, yeah.
A little now he lives on the hill.
They did they. Do the smoke thing for they did
they? Did the smoke and and that they,
they announced and then I like, I think I'm like a young cool
person or something like that. I actually said this sentence
yesterday. I was on the phone to my dad and
I was like, I never thought I'd live to see an American Pope.
Like, what is that? Yeah.
Yeah, what am I saying? People are outraged.
I was like an American. Pope.
An American Pope, yeah, just feels like outrageous, like he
shouldn't know, but it's. Very like a mainstream or
something? Yeah.
American Pope. But like you think.
About the time that we live, we're probably going to see
quite a lot of like like we've seen this is what my 4th Pope of
my lifetime. Is that how you measure your?
Yeah, but make you think. How many people have just had
Queen Elizabeth their whole life?
Oh yeah, nice. My, we're probably going to see
King William as well. There are no leg.
Fiddler and Elbow? No.
All right. Pokin and.
Palace. Yeah, like.
King Charles's hands like you. Yeah, yeah.
He actually does. No, he does those things.
If you got those sausages in the pan, you'd be fucking pissed
off, Yeah. You'll fry back.
If those these are vegan. Sausages serving, yeah.
Like. That looks like something.
Your mate would serve off. The.
Guy that pisses on things, yeah. Not me.
Yeah, I'll have. Five more pissed sausages
please. Is that?
Better bear grills, no? No, I think.
He's a lot more. Like that?
Yeah, that's. It is he.
Did you do that? In your SNL tape.
I didn't do it. I.
Didn't do that, you didn't do it.
That's. What I have to do this
afternoon? Just cut them together.
I literally. You forgot.
Well, it's good because. I've sent a couple of links that
you're into. I'll be like, can you consider
it as well put this guy? In as well.
Yeah, I don't know. I would, I would maybe like to,
but but you know what I. Think with that effect, you're
not going to get it, so you might as well just have people
see and be like maybe he would do something for something else.
They might have really can't. Write a bit I.
Think they probably have because already know the head writing
writer isn't here. But his people.
Yeah. Sean Burke and Sean Burke.
Minions, it's Schaumburg. X12 I don't know.
Something. That'd be fun though, yeah.
Yeah. It'd be really fun.
That's the thing about. Making that we made one with RTE
and like it's it's great crack making it like meeting up every
day and just doing dumb ideas. You did you.
You did one, Yeah, but the same. Time.
Yeah, yeah. Like it's great fun.
It is great. I love the the the hairdresser
one. That was brilliant.
Oh, that was. Rude, that was.
It's. Getting slapped around, I love
that. Cool cross roof.
Oh, lovely, lovely. Stuff very funny.
I want to ask you something. OK, where do you think the next
time bar the gig tonight you will see Killian will be?
So I don't know because. Killian's an appear.
I know you appear places you don't expect, like you just you
pop in someone and then it'll be like because then your first
thought would be if you see sometimes who people who are not
appears, you'd be like it's really weird to see them there.
I'm not an appear. No, you're not an.
Appear. But if you see, like, say, for
example, I could be in Greece out of market, and if you
appeared, I'd be like, of course, Killian's here.
He's an appear. You know where, You know what I
mean? She could be anywhere.
You could be in Chicago at a festival.
You could say I'm. Everywhere.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and he's going to appear.
Car as well. There's some people that you can
be like in your mind you can compute dogs.
This is, yeah, logical. You're always.
In the place that I expect you to be in circumstances that
whereas, yeah, like I could be, you could bump into me and who
knows what circumstance. Like I could be at the same
mechanic as you and you wouldn't be like what is had a mechanic
in Hollywood Like this makes sense, no?
Because he's getting his northern car ready for the MOT.
I could. I could see you in like a cheese
mongers in Leford, yes. I could see.
You in a the butchers and Mullingar.
An artisanal butchers and Mullingar.
That's just me going. Around trying to gather a crew
to fight the gorilla. Yeah, yeah.
You know I need AI need a a cheesemonger from Leffert
Butchers. Butchers would be brilliant.
Because they know how to caught an animal.
Yeah, but then if. They're not like these weapons,
you know, you'd have to, but butchers have big strong
forearm, so you could get a couple of bites and then get in.
Do you know the? Butchers, the things that used
to be at the front of the shops, not as much anymore.
The like the plastic butcher. Yeah, I remember once my dad
telling me that that was just my third Grande, like my other
Grande. And I, I didn't like it and I
used to cry every time I saw one.
Was it said a butcher shop? Like if I passed that I really
didn't like it. That's so.
Fun. It's creepy.
They do, my friends that there's, you know, in Dublin,
there's an Oscar Wilde statue in Marion Square where he's kind of
like lying on a rock, really flamboyantly.
When my my friend was a kid, his dad, they were walking past and
his dad said that's me. He fully believed it was his
dad. Yeah.
Or my dad told me when I was a kid because he did.
He must have done something good in basketball.
And he told us that he was in the Harlem Globetrotters.
Yeah. And I fully.
Believed them, but what? Was the thing.
He did good in basketball. He must have.
Just. Thrown it in the hoop like.
Empty bottle of. Water in a bin and they said I'd
best mates for Showtime gaffing. Showtime.
Gaffney, one of the most famous harm through globetrotters.
Showtime. Gaffney yeah, I don't think we
know individual shrubbers like can you find?
Showtime Gaffney. So what you're trying to say is.
Helmut, yeah. Showtime.
Helmut, Showtime, Gaffney. Yeah.
So I think a great. Name Harlem.
Globetrotters aren't really they wouldn't be doing much anymore,
so they wouldn't like they should be involved.
Yeah. Were they ex players or were
they all just freestyles? I still think they're.
Players to this day, my friend, they're travelling the world,
shooting hope and then playing a bit of basketball as well.
That'd be a good. Life because like, they're not
playing food games. Do you know what I mean?
No, no. Yeah, it's all choreographed,
doesn't it? Yeah, they're doing they're.
Like bouncing the ball off people's heads and making fun of
them and that kind of thing. It's more of a show, you know?
I mean, I know my dad was in the Harlem Globe.
It's a family. Thing you know, we all go to the
games and. You're like, this is exactly how
the last game went. That what?
All these people. From Harlem are like why does
this Irish guy keep showing up at that game?
Is that where? They started, was there some
like just real cocky young guy, just like spinning balls and the
fingers in Harlem and they're like, you need to put a team
together. Showtime, Gaffney and the boys
he was also. Like, not good enough to play
professional basketball, but he was able to do all the tricks
and stuff. Yeah, but it goes freestyle.
Footballers, you know, like, why are you not playing for
Barcelona? Those skills is like, because
you can just do it on the spot. Yeah, yeah.
Because balance it on the head for two minutes, Eventually
someone's going to come and just take that off And remember
Carlon they used. To call him the seal boy, yes,
that was his trick. And then they're like they
called him the seal. Never called him the seal boy.
But yeah. He could do headers on his head
while running, Yeah, but then South American footballers have
no time so they just just kick the fuck out of them.
You know what happened. There and they're like, actually
we're gonna make that rule illegal you can't travel the
ball in your head and then Carlon the seal boy is just sent
back into the ocean or whatever it goes sail boys no from.
The land back into the. With you, but that shouldn't be
found. I love all that stuff.
And you? Can't stand on the ball anymore,
really. That's made.
It Yeah, because people. Give off so much, but that came
when the players do. Pick it up, either get rid of
that, yeah. Well, that's probably why
someone kicked me when I had. Stuff like that.
Yeah, I have. Football.
Nowadays. Part of it you may both bro when
you watch it. It's just not.
It's like there's. No Wild.
There's no Wildman, There's no Mavericks.
Yeah, no. Jimmy Bullard.
Yeah, the. Last of the Wildman.
I met Ronaldinho. But just like a Roy.
Keane, who just kicks the legs out of people like that but.
Like people who are just going to like skin people, players who
let me in your mouth. Let me in your mouth.
He's like this, this. 12 year old boy who was bathed by Messi.
Have you seen that? Yeah, that's weird.
That's like is. That not like an insane.
It's like him bathing this little boy would grow a little
bit uncomfortable. Yeah.
That's the people want him to be a.
Wee bit fat or something like I want a maverick like I want to
have a drum though that not enough.
People why is why is Lionel Messi beef and chill like
babies? I don't know.
Something some marketing guru guy was like, you know, imagine
that you signed up, you send your kid up for this thing to
meet Lionel Messi and then like it's just some young like size
dope. Like, so we've kind of gone for
an interesting route here, and Lionel's actually going to.
Can you get your child naked? He's.
Actually going to bathe your boy.
Like, do you reckon? He bought loads of Barcelona
children. On the off chance that one of
them make it, they're like he bought a man.
Yeah, yeah. Fucking wrinkly fingers if you
have to check me and he's constantly and he's like, you
know the way. When you see celebrities doing
autographs and they're just like this, as a manager moving from
it's probably not really bathroom he flex the water for
not then scrub. Daddy on the back for a second
and then they're on if you're signed an.
Autograph I have. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And a gig and. I don't.
Like, no, it was. Yeah, it was before.
Kendall artisanal cheese shop in Lifford I think.
They didn't have a signature. Cheese.
No, it was I. Think it was a fringe thing and
they had the they had the booklet and they were asking
everyone to sign. And then maybe one more other
time. I was at the premiere for The
Last of Us in London and I chose big heads.
I saw on a big billboard. It was, what's it called, Colin
Geddes and Aaron McCann, but they had a big fucking thing.
I've had a billboard and. 10 The whole all this like you know.
Pedro Pascal, all these people are here.
And then it's just like calling in Aaron's head and I'm like,
none of these people know. You guys don't?
Know, but they were people asking for autographs there and
it was so funny because you've never felt worse than when
you're like, you know, walking along a red carpet and you can
just see the people ahead of you and they're all all the
photographers like. And then you're walking.
Past, and it's just like dead silence.
And you're like. Walking over these people.
Holding out, getting everyone, people they don't even know to
sign, and then they take one look at you and they're like,
not worth. The ink?
Yeah, not even. Worth the ink?
Did you say another? Not really.
You sign body parts. Yeah.
I'd say you have, yeah. Sign body parts.
I could just write. Yeah, just Dave, not the
surname. In a lot of places, penises
people wake up. With Dave written on the just,
they never. Ask for the autographs.
I just decided to bestow it upon them and.
You're in a limelight tonight. Limelight too.
Yeah, no point in this plug. In it.
This was in two weeks. But all sold out.
Thank you. You had a good I'm taking you.
Sorry, you had a good one. Well, is it?
Oh. It's past.
Yes, past. Oh yeah, it was.
The best show I've ever done. Can't believe that support was
unbelievable. Superb.
Time. You're gonna have that.
What are you gonna have for? Dinner.
Jeez, I don't. Know I'm not great at eating on
show days. I don't really know how to I
always kind of mess it up because I don't want to be awful
to know what I started doing. And this is I know we're on a
podcast, but Hue but actually pretty good for shows because it
doesn't, you know, fill you up too much and it's technically a
full meal. So he'll sometimes.
But like I said. Are the corner of my eye because
you're both wearing shorts. Dave rubbed his own leg and a
split second while you were talking right yours and you're
reacting in any way. I was like, I'm just going to
see where this goes. I like.
To get comfortable with my support.
This. That's the rule.
Like, yeah, but the show went well.
Hopefully show went well. I'm bringing it to Edinburgh.
Edinburgh Fringe? Where are you playing?
Underbelly? Somewhere to link to Fringe?
Tickets in the description of this episode.
Oh, amazing. But yeah, that.
Would be, that would be amazing. I'd need to see if that's live.
But yeah, there you go. It's actually, it is live.
It'll be a link to something. Is there anything done?
Deal to. All my cars, sorry.
Else you want to plug and promote.
No, I don't think so. Happiness, Happiness.
Prosperity also I'm doing a like a panto on the waterfront with
them and. It's sort of like a.
Reimagination of Peter Pan, except it's gruesome and and a
lot of paedophilia. And anyway, bring your kids.
It's great. We will get Dave to bathe each
and everyone of them. It's going to be wonderful, OK.
Do you have anything you want? To plug into a lesson, though,
I'm. Just delighted.
What about the slag podcast? Yes, Oh yeah, Slag podcast as
much available for you now. Beautiful, sexy and you know
what I'm going to do? Enjoy Vitamin C&D Devon D in the
sunshine. I'm going to drink vitamin C
whilst I'm in the sun. You have an orange.
Juice outside? No, I'm going to have those wee.
Tablets that are sprinkle in the juice keep yourself hydrated.
Sit in a dark room guys. Thank you very.
Much for the for coming up. Thank you for coming up to do
the pod you. Thanks for coming here.
But less wheel drive. Yeah, it's less fast.
And I just don't use my regular car as I see this right.
SSE Arena this Friday, 23rd of May.
Ticket last tickets in the description.
We're going to put those right here.
Fausty, what do you think of that?
Yeah. It's going to be he hates it.
Look at this text. Coming up.
Oh. You know what?
It's actually going to come out of my hands like this there we.
Go. Dave Mckimer.
Your bum like. Yeah, I'm going to I'm.
Going to snort.