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October 8th and 9th. Zippers, welcome to this episode
of the Tea With Me podcast. With me, she and Todd Delicious
tea. I've got a guest today.
My guest is Chris MacArthur Boyd, who's a Glasgow based
comedian. I'm going to ask him about how
he got in the stand up and we're going to chat about some gigs
we've done and just have a bit of crack.
He's one of the most likeable, friendly guys you'll ever meet,
so I'm really excited to have him on for this episode.
Before he comes on, I just want to plug the Patreon, which is
patreon.com/tea With Me podcast. If you want to head over there,
you get the bonus Monday episode.
And yeah, it's, it's in my, in my humble opinion, it's well
worth it. I'm not isn't humble because I'm
guessing saying you should spend money.
Listen to something that I've done.
But to cut a Long story short, Chris MacArthur Boyd is here.
I'm going to admit him in I've hit admit he should be joining
us and he's there and, and I haven't explained to him we're
already in the podcast and he's connecting the audio.
So I don't know how much of that he heard.
But it's all just connected. And then he didn't hear.
That oh hold on, I've done the wrong thing.
Shit. Oh.
Can you hear me? Yeah.
Oh, that's good man. For a SEC.
It was just once I connected the audio, yeah.
Yeah, Yeah. Well, hey, anyway, we've got
here. I've already sort of like
brought you on, if that makes sense, if that's OK.
All right, what's happening, man?
But was there anything like you want to chat about beforehand?
Like unless you had anything, unless you were like, listen,
I've got some disease. Like trust me, I don't have long
left because if. You did you want me to bring
that up before it so as it wouldn't be awkward if it came
up naturally during the conversation?
See if you've contracted anything, message me and chat
just in the chat bar down here. Oh, there's a chat bar.
Can I just, can I text you? Do you want me to use the chat
bar? Yeah, text.
OK, I'll just text. I don't understand the the
etiquette of the. The.
Zoom chat bar. Well, I think the one of the
worst Zoom etiquette things that I'm definitely guilty of is at
the end of a Zoom of a podcast whenever you wrap it up and you
both go, cheers, Thanks a million man.
See you later. And do you end the meeting and
actually kick the person out or do you pretend that you've ended
it and then go here? Cheers for that.
That's us out. Because so many times I've ended
the meeting and then one of my mates have been going.
So man up at that point I've already kicked them out and then
I have to die them again on Zoom and go, sorry, I didn't mean to
cut you off there. And then we don't have any, we
don't have a follow up conversation planned.
So it's just a win. Then there's the perf, there's
the performative end of it, which is the end of it for the
people who are observing. And then there's the actual.
That's what I'm saying, the line, the line between those is
blurred. So would you prefer at the end
of this I just actually kick you straight out or do you want me
to go? I'd say cheers to Chris
MacArthur, Boyd sees next week. And then you and I have a chat
after it. Do you know I like the zoom to
end and then a wee text? That's a nice touch.
I don't know if you remember
your birthday podcast, but oh, you kicked me out, which is
fine. Obviously I was talking about
stuff I was going to be talking about and then.
You were talking about paranolitaries.
I don't know how well informed you were about it.
I decided to just parachute you out of there.
I was like, you know, I'm I'm sure in the near future,
whenever things get back to normal gig and wise, at some
point, Chris will come back over here to do a show.
And I just didn't want that to be a problem for you, you know?
There's roads where there's no issues though, isn't there?
There's like neutral areas that can go.
Yeah, but my big worry was you would arrive down the venue and
be like, oh God, yeah, it's class with load of people
outside waiting to get into the show and then you find out that
those people are not waiting to get into the show.
OK. But cheers for coming on.
Yeah, the birthday Zoom, if people saw that was a couple of
weeks ago. And Dave and Dan arranged for me
and we just had a load of mystery guests and you very
kindly came on. And then I realised after, you
know, a lot of people that that were involved are from here.
So there's probably so much that went over your head and wasn't
explained. Like whenever the the the other
Jerry Kelly came on, basically he just started mugging me off.
But I was really nervous for the birthday podcast because I had
no idea who was coming on. It was a it was a good time.
Let's let's get into a couple of things.
One is your username. Here is OVAC, the wolf splitter.
Oh yeah, I forgot to change that.
If there isn't a story behind that, I'm disappointed.
I have a Dungeons and Dragons show that I do on Tuesdays with
Roscoe McClelland, Gareth Wall, Liam Whitney and Daniel Sloss
and we're all like mad fantasy characters in it.
So I'm a female half orc barbarian Princess called Ovec
the wolf splitter. Can I be honest?
That's given me a bit of a boner.
Would you say that? Yeah.
No, it's pray whole name and she's like a Princess.
And the thing about Barbarians is they don't wear armour, so I
wear like a Princess dress instead of armour.
So the world of Dungeons and Dragons and computer games and,
you know, people doing a twitch, I'll be honest, I don't know
what it is, but is it that is it that people are watching you
playing along or are they also playing the?
Fact that you called it the fact that you called it computer
games makes you sound like an ancient.
Yeah, but you're on your Macintosh.
You've got your joystick on your Macintosh, and you're, you know,
on the World Wide Web, presumably, you know, playing
games with some of your pals. I don't know how it works, but I
just know that it seems like a Twitch and stuff.
It's a whole. It's a world that I don't know
anything about. And then, yeah, because I don't
know if you ever chatted about this before.
I've never owned a console. Ever.
I've never owned a console. No.
You're a Game Boy. Nope.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. True story.
My dad bought me a Game Boy whenever we were in Tenerife and
it had stopped working. By the time we got to the end of
the street, it was off like a dodgy kind of guy.
Oh, right. Yeah, Like, I don't even, I
don't even think it was Game Boy.
I think it was like Game Guy, you know?
It's like Game Kid. It was like Nintendo.
It was also like 6 times bigger than a Game Boy.
I'll be on it. I think it was it was the first
touch screen TV. But yeah, I remember buying that
and getting it was like a 25 games in one cartridge for.
It. And then I think I realised
pretty quick I'm not cut out for gaming.
Like I've played FIFA maybe 20 times in my life and, and I'm so
bad at it and. That's in other people's houses.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll go around to like my
cousin's house or somebody like that.
And then the only game I ever actually played a little bit of
was Goldeneye. But seeing games at Goldeneye,
by the time if I see someone that I need to kill, I like get
the scope, I get my gun. By the time I get my gun out,
I've been shot. You know, I always, I always get
ready to shoot someone. So it's not for me.
But do you feel that as a as a stand up who isn't like always
isn't doing any gigs at the minute?
Do you find do you find you almost get like nervous doing
like a live stream of something because it almost feels like a
performance? The first one I did, I have this
thing, I don't know how Blue, Yeah.
Oh, we go for Lee Ryan, which by the way, is a phenomenal
reference. That's such a good reference.
We go the full Anthony Costa and I could name all the members of
Blue, but we'll leave it there. You want to, if you want to
listen, if you want to drop a Duncan James, Yeah.
OK, man. Simon.
Webber I can't. This is I can't.
It's kind of changed because my body's went back to normal
because we've been a lockdown for months.
But I can't do a shit unless I'm about to go on stage.
So that's problematic unless you're gigging hopefully twice a
day. Like I before, well, there's
probably gigging like 5-6 times a week, which is fine I think.
Yeah, yeah. But now gigs are illegal, so let
me take their shit's illegal. That's a huge thing that stand
up friends of mine like to do is shit before a show.
I've never like I've never done that.
I'm, I'm not saying I've never, I've never done that like, but
yeah, you know, like I shit once a week in a, in a, in a like a
forested area and it's lovely just.
Clearing. Into a stream, yeah, it's like a
clearing and and there's there's woodland creatures that take it
away. There's like a serum basically,
like we know right? There are a couple of Badgers
will take it. Like Bambi?
Yeah, Bambi, But there's so many guys that like have to go and do
that before. Have you have you ever met?
What's not that? Yeah, I met Sean.
Yeah. Sean is the the king of it.
He goes. He goes 10 times.
Before. Yeah.
No, I it's not that I like to do it for the gig, it's the gig
makes me do it. Right, right, right.
No, I just get, I just get like, I'll be on let's go Full
disclosure here. And my Willy just gets a lot
smaller. And that's the thing.
No, that's the thing. Me and Mickey Bartlett have
chatted a bit before and we, but we call comedians Willy and it's
definitely a thing. And I, and I would, I mean,
look, I'll be honest, you're the first other comedian I've talked
to about it. And now I've decided I'm not
going to talk to any other comedians about it because I
hope that I would say it. And you will go, man, 100
percent, 100%. But now that you've dispelled
that myth, forget that I said that it was a thing because I
was just joking. But no.
Seriousness, maybe there's two tapes.
You got people who need to take a shit and you got people whose
decks get really small. No, no, no, I said smaller than.
I can't say really. Small takes takes me down to 12
inches, you know. Yeah, it's easier getting on
stage anyway. Why would it be hard on stage?
I just imagine if you had, if you had a bigger than 12 inches,
it would just be difficult to carry out the carry up there,
you know, to get it up. No pun intended.
But yeah, I did. I did a Zoom.
Yeah. I don't know how much you've
done over Zoom. I did a corporate gig over Zoom
yesterday. Oh.
Yeah, we're going to record this and then you.
Yeah, I did that. Yeah.
Oh yeah. And and it was all I was doing
was interviewing the boss of a company, but I got a little.
Character. In character, I got a bit
nervous beforehand, but see, after I'd done it, my wife was
like in the kitchen. I came in from the living room
and I was buzzing like I'd just done a gig, you know what I
mean? I was like properly like
couldn't sit down. And I never get like that after
a gig. I'm always like, as soon as I
come off stage, I'm like, I'm going to go to bed and watch
Match of the Day here, but but I just felt like absolutely
buzzing after. So any, any slight thing I'm
doing, like I'd say if I was doing something like Twitch, I
think after I'd be like, Oh yeah, it's any kind of
performance. I record twitch from half 10 to
12:30 right so. Oh half 10 at night for dual for
like 2 hours OK. Yeah.
So it's two hours at night and then I cannot be going to sleep
at like 5:00 in the morning because I've still got that kind
of adrenaline come down thing to go through.
You don't get that. I I definitely don't get that
and sorry that I freezer. I definitely don't get that.
And you saying that makes me really worried about you because
I like all my friends that good sleeping patterns.
I'm genuinely I. Have a sleeping pattern.
It's just this. I go to sleep at 5:00.
I wake up at 1:00. No, I don't like it.
I'm genuinely going. I don't know if the standard
line's still running, but I'm coming over because we need we
need a sleep intervention. And I'm going to speak to all
the rest of those boys. Gareth, Waldaniel, Slauson,
whoever, Roscoe, whoever else is involved.
And I'm going to say, boys, why don't we move the time?
Because I want to see you guys. I want to see you guys finishing
at half seven and then let's wind it down, boys, let's wind
it down. I want everybody.
I want everybody to have a nose bag AM.
I nocturnal gay. No, I can't.
I mean the yeah, yeah, because the first time I ever met you, I
just on a show, I think it was the Glasgow Comedy Festival was
over at like 11 and I was dumb. I was like, I'm going back to
hotel to go to sleep. And then you were standing
outside in a long coat, and I looked.
At you. I looked at you and I thought
this guy is still in full operator mode at this time of
night. Like you were just chatting to
people normally and I was like, what the fuck is everyone doing?
It's 11:00, why are we? Why are the gigs done?
Let's let's all leave. Let's all separately go to bed.
No, I was, I was, I was cutting shapes and making making
decisions at that time. You know, I think you're the,
you're the 1st. He's the first comedian that
I've had a chat with that I hadn't met before that just like
Jet generally just like is like relatively not that comedians
aren't friendly, but there's always a thing like when you
meet a stand up that you know, and they're like, oh, you just
do a show. There you go.
Yeah. They'll be like, how many people
jump in? You know, they get, you know, I
did, I did a show in in Liverpool at hot water.
There was a guy doing a show on the same night, but it got it
got cancelled and he just kept coming up the my vein like
poking his head into the room. I was doing mine being like, And
so you, you and I had a lovely conversation and I knew straight
after that I was like, I don't know what I need to, you know, I
sort of thought I need to tie up all the loose ends I have in
Northern Ireland because I'm moving to Glasgow.
And yes, we're about to have a baby.
And once, yeah, once that baby's old enough.
Guys. See you later.
How old's old enough? Seven, I'm coming to Glasgow,
I'm coming to Glasgow. Yeah, yeah, that sounds good.
But I, I mean, I got so excited to see you, I forgot to ask you
the, the question that I ask everybody on the podcast to kick
things off, which is do you drink tea or you're a tea
drinker? I think you and I have had a tea
before in a shopping centre if I'm not wrong.
I've never had a tea in my life. No on purpose.
I've never had it on purpose. Tea by accident?
Have you been spiked tea? I was in a hotel and it was a
corporate gig in a hotel. And then I had that week up and
I said where'd you get coffee? And someone pointed generally in
a direction and it was too big dispensers.
And. They weren't marked and I felt
that because I didn't really know.
I've made teas for other people, but I've never drank 1.
And I clicked the the the button and it poured the and then I
drank it and I went, coffee tastes madman.
And so I went, that's tea. I went, right.
That's actually quite nice. So that's a bit like an Austin
Powers that reminds me of whenever he goes to drink the
coffee and it's shit. Do you remember?
Yeah, it's a lot like that, except it was.
City it was tea but but like is there?
Is there like a deep seated thing?
Like have you had a bad experience with tea?
Like, did something happen to you?
I don't know, did like did a tea lady beat you up or something
back in the day? Like why are you?
Why are you dismissive or even of the idea of tea?
I think when I was growing up, my mom and dad and my granny, my
granddad drank. So I always seen it as like an
adult thing. And obviously I'm an adult.
Yeah, for sure a 100%. But I'm still like aware.
I'll drink that when I'm old, but then I then I had it and I
was like, this is class. This is absolutely I'm.
The same about red wine. I was like, no, no, no people.
You know where people go, you'll acquire the taste for it.
I'm like, why would you sit down to put yourself through
acquiring the taste or something?
Because that suggests there's going to be a point where you
don't enjoy it and then you get through it.
It's a bit like beer, though, when you're younger.
Like you never enjoyed beer as a kid?
You need like 40 beers before you're like these are great.
Yeah. And how much did you lie about
back in the day whenever you took a sip of beer and you go,
Oh yeah, it's good, It's good. My dad used to let me drink beer
and restaurants and I'd have like a Stella when I was like 12
and I was like, this is fucking rancid.
My dad was always like making me drink stuff that sounds
terrible, but like he would always go Jordan.
I would be like, I want a Coca-Cola.
And then he'd give me like a Jack and Coke and I'm like, he'd
laugh at me. Like whenever you're baby like,
you need to get some formula for Chris.
Your dad's like Nah, vodka and white.
Bailey's There we go. There's a so there's this thing
called Portavogie teething mixture, which is like this
famous local thing around here I think.
Port of Ogee. Portavogie.
It's an area called Portavogie now.
I would imagine historically it used to be the Port of Vogue,
and honestly I haven't thought about that before and that's
blown my mind. Also, while we're on it, how do
mirrors work? Mirrors.
Yeah, like how do you make a mirror like that Reflective
surface? Do you know what I mean?
I. Don't know how you make one.
Yeah. But what I'm saying is how do
you actually produce that the the material that that is a
reflection. Do you know what I'm saying?
It's ace, isn't it? What?
It's ace. A mirror is ice.
It's a lot like Ace or Water. No, but what I'm what I'm saying
is right. What is?
What is a mirror?
It's like hard, warm ice. But by the way, this is 100% a
conversation people have at 4:00 AM at house parties.
But OK, OK, ignore that purport of OET.
The mixture is this thing. I think that you like Rob on
babies gums if they're having trouble like sleeping.
How do you think you make a mirror?
Like honestly, shut up. Honestly, right.
If you give me £1,000,000, I wouldn't be able to start to
think about even an option of how you, you know, I couldn't
offer anything of like maybe you, maybe it's this, I don't
know. I so like, yeah, there are some
surfaces that are, you can see yourself back in, but they're
not mirrors. Like, why are you so obsessed
with that? It's reflective.
It can't. Be it, can't.
I like the idea of you getting ready for a night out.
Are we? Cute.
Yeah. Like a pocket makeup mirror.
Always having a wet pocket. Look what I'm saying.
Yeah, but it's not a mirror though you're suggesting
alternative message for if you didn't have a mirror, you're
like licking a puddle, which by the way, is the most mediaeval
thing I've ever in my life. Go down to the puddle.
I'm I'm going to, I'm going to Google this.
Give me two seconds before we can move on to anything else.
Should I say what is a mirror or how do you make a mirror?
People, you know what a mirror is, It's just you don't know
how. How would you make it?
It's glass. Something to do with glass?
Oh, OK, it's it's it's glass coated with a metal amalgam
which reflects a clear image. That's why I said.
No, no, you definitely said crush up some ice and take it
with you when you're leaving the house.
So there you go. I mean, I think we've explained
it. It's basic.
Amalgam. With a metal amalgam, that's
that's all there is to it. So Chris, how'd you get into
stand up? What's Portavogie?
Portavogie is a place that's about, I don't know, 30 miles,
20 miles from me. And they have this like teeth in
mixture when a baby's can't sleep at night.
And what I think it is, is essentially like whiskey and
you're rubbing in a baby's gums and it sleeps.
But I don't know why I brought that up.
But I've always been like into, is it legal, a camera selling
whiskey for children? No, I wouldn't even say there
was a grey area there. I would say it's absolutely
illegal. But I don't know.
Yeah, I think there is a chemist that sells it and I hope I'm not
like outing them on this podcast.
But then but yeah. Oh, yeah.
Because that came up because I was talking about your dad
giving you giving you drinks. I like the idea.
You were like when I was 12 and I used to find my Stellas, which
is so different to like whenever you hear about the French having
like a glass of wine and children having a glass of wine
with dinner. Your dad's like, get get this
fellow. Get this fellow.
I can you. Know it was for a laugh though.
It wasn't like he wasn't like trying to make me cue.
He was like trying to make me look like more of a wee pussy
who could handle shit. It was very antagonistic.
I thought what? Was the first thing you used to
drink whenever you were say like going out or having carry outs?
Black Current married down cider.
That, I mean, that's a pretty fashionable early choice because
I'd say most people were just going like beer, like Bud
bottles of Bud or hooch. I remember trying.
I was. Trying.
I was trying. I was trying to cultivate a
persona I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
People would just get you normal cider and you know.
Maybe black Current golfs drink black her and stuff.
Black her and cider, is it darker?
Yeah. And I see I like cider.
I like just straight up cider, but I don't I don't like when
you I feel like it's good enough.
You don't need to really mess about with it.
Merry down is it though? Merry down.
Is this is it like upmarket or is it like totally cheap stuff?
No. This is like, I liked it because
you go to a party, you'd whip out me then and people would go
like that is that is horrific. How can you drink that?
And I'd be like. Yeah, and you were six at the
time as well, because it was your dad.
Your dad A major pack lunch. Yeah, my dad just like you slap
it out, my hands be like what a fucking Dick, but.
Yeah, I mean, like Stella. Oh, Stella, Like I don't really
drink beer anymore. I have a beer at the old time
now. But like, you realise that
there's far nicer drinks than beer.
But when you're a kid, there's so much pressure as a kid to get
into beer and be an enthusiast about beer.
Oh yeah, my friends liked it, but I I can, I like it now that
I've had enough. I don't like cigarettes and
stuff like you hate the first one and then you get it.
Are you still on the cigarettes? I'm still smokes though, yeah.
Right. Well, what I want you to do is
organise a Zoom for you and any of your other friends that think
they're cool smoking as well. And I'm going to come on and I'm
going to and, and honestly. Can he stop trying to change me?
Man, I sleep when I sleep, I smoke when I smoke, and there's
nothing you can do about it. That's what you think now, but
trust me, trust me, I want I want to see you getting 10
hours. I know you're probably one of
these guys think it's not cool to sleep like.
I'm a 10 hour guy, I just start the 10 hours later than normal.
No, I don't. I don't like that.
What about whenever, like you're, you know, you do a gig
and then comedians, you know, it's like closing time at the
barn. And some comedians are like, oh,
man, we're going to keep drinking in this guy's house.
You know, fuck you, talk to me. What?
Like the idea of like, I'm so past that age where like, you'll
do a gig and then it's closing time in the venue and one of the
comedians is like, oh, come on, we'll go back to mine or
whatever. No, I would never do that.
No. I'm not hanging out until 5:00
in the morning. I'm like, stop hanging out at
like midnight and then I've got five hours of me time.
So what do I need to get involved with this Twitch?
Because I want to. I'm going to jump on Yeah, yeah,
yeah, you. Want to jump on Twitch?
Yeah. Want to play with you guys And
you've got a microphone? Yep, you've got a webcam.
Yep. You got headphones?
Yep. Is it on the capture?
Is it on the I was going to say do you play like on the PC or is
it on the the Wii or something you can play?
You can play on the PC. The Wii hasn't been a console
for about 15 years. Do you guys meet up and then do
you all have Dreamcasts or is it?
Is it? I have a Nintendo Switch.
That's the new thing. And what people.
Yeah, people are. Then as you get a capture card,
then that captures what's happening on your TV, puts it in
your computer. Then you put the image for your
webcam over the footage of what you're doing so people can see
you and the game you're playing at the same time.
And then there's a chat room where people talk to you while
you're playing, like. If you thought I found it
difficult to understand what a mirror is.
Capture cards like a mirror. It's like crushed ice inside
your computer and you just stayed at it.
Nah, let me ask you this. You live in Glasgow.
What's a crack with the bars? Because the bars opened
yesterday here yesterday. Yeah, like the bars are back,
are back open. Why are you guys behind or in
front or? We are like, I think Nicholas
Dudgeon's making an attempt to like, be like, we don't give a
fuck what England's doing. We are just doing our own thing.
So I don't know if they're open early, maybe they are, but I
doubt it. Yeah, I mean it, it's that
annoying thing of like I think I thought as soon as bars open
again, stand ups back, but it's still be like some time, but.
I'm doing a gig tonight. I'm doing a gig at The Stand in
Edinburgh. Like so it's going to be it's
streamed for people or what or or the.
Straight, straight to camera. Yeah, There's nobody in the room
and it's just me on the stage. I don't think I could do that.
You've done tough gigs before though, haven't you?
Where no one's laughing. No offence not to bring up on
your podcast. Not 1000% we did one together
and go away. But yeah, but I I would find
that really difficult because I would even take the not laughing
or people being chatty or whatever.
But the idea of having like even when I did that Zoom, I was
telling you what, I could still see two people on screen
whatever way I have my sentence and every once in a while they
would like let it what looked like a good laugh.
I couldn't hear it, but I could see it.
So that was enough for me to be, oh, this is good.
But I think doing stream gigs like that to no audience would
probably favour stand ups that practise their material out loud
in the house. And I and I don't, I, I don't do
that, but I, I definitely now see the merit in it, But I don't
know just. Kind of like just reciting a
monologue. Yeah.
Is there is there other comedians in the room when
you're doing it? I think that the camera guys are
there and the producers there and other comedians are there
and you can kind of, I've watched the other streams of it.
This isn't the first week they're doing it.
And like you can, you can hear them laughing.
Oh, that's OK. Like, as long as you have
something to bounce off, that sounds like it'll be all right.
An empty room would be terrified, but like just a
couple of people, I'm just excited to stand those days with
a microphone though, you know what I mean?
Yeah, I gave. I mean, even the idea of some
sort of gigs being back on and just having like reduced
capacity, it's still going to be like like all your Christmases
come at once and you can finally just get back up and do the
material you've been working on and realise that it's not
actually that good, but it doesn't matter because you're
back to in stand up. Yeah, I have some pals in New
Zealand where it's came back and they they are saying that the
first gigs back the crowd is like fucking insane.
Like they're just like something to see.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So.
Even like even that, even the outdoor stuff, I mean, it'll,
it'll just be great to to be back at it because.
Is there any plans for like a drive in gig?
So I was built, I was talking about it to a couple of guys and
I think the feeling is just wait it out for the like outdoor
shows, you know, where people actually can be like in some
sort of like courtyard or like loads of bars are just turning
their car park into like a beer, like a little stage area and a
beer garden essentially. So I prefer to do beer.
I prefer to wait to do beer garden gigs instead of driving
once. Even the stuff I've seen on
Facebook of comedians we know and friends of ours doing
driving gigs, I don't like the look of it at all.
Yeah, I would. I would like to try it at least.
I would love to go along and and like you said, you try to do a
slot, but I don't know. I like to be able to see
people's faces as I'm doing it. And I just the driving things
like my big part fear would be, you know, there's nothing worse
than a gig when someone actively switches off, they're texting on
their phone or whatever. My idea is like, what would be
in my head was everyone's in their car doing that?
How do I know, Pete? Like that's the worst thought
that people are in their car. Just turn around to their
friends being like, So what are we doing after this?
Music starts playing and they're fucking hats back and you're
like, that's a gyro because. There's so one I mean, there's
nothing I like more than just go to to go to a beer garden right
now and see jam self baby. I'm not always there when you
call, but I'm always on time. And I gave you my baby.
Baby. I mean, that was that was not
his real voice. I was.
Never it was. It was nicer, actually.
He. Had like 6 or 7 like real good
bangers. Let me ask you this, have you
missed out on anything like gig wise or or TV wise because.
Of I Was, I was going to be opening for Frankie Boyle.
No. Like 2 months after like the end
of March I was supposed to be opening for him doing some warm
up shows which was like dream come true.
Like open for your hero. No, you, you, you haven't opened
for me before. No, but I mean, I will.
Yeah, sure. So is that is that going to be
like just push back and you'll still be able to do that or
that's. He said that after the war he
let me do it. Yeah, which is quite cool.
Although class, it could be lying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm sure, I'm sure he's an
honest guy. That that'll be great.
And those warm up gigs, a lot of time when like a big established
comedian is doing like a work in progress or a warm up, I find
that's the best time to watch somebody like that.
So, so you'll get, Oh yeah, yeah, you'll get to go on before
and the gig will be great. And then you'll get to watch him
try stuff which is like the best.
So that that'll be class. No, it's my, it's my total dream
come true. So I'm excited for that.
And then? Obviously gotten that it didn't
happen, but. Yeah, it like, I don't know,
like pushing everything back It it's fine because once it all
starts up again, the demand for stand up is just going to come
flooding back, especially stand up.
I think people will want to go see stand up and I don't think
they'll want to hear about coronavirus or lockdown or
anything. Like that, I don't want to do
any coronavirus jokes otherwise. I just want to talk about Serial
and fucking like, yeah, I don't know what we're talking about.
Nothing. Nothing like that though.
No, exactly. Because everybody will be
talking about it. It'll be the new hack
straightaway. Stand up is Oh yeah.
How much is someone definitely coming on my hand sanitizer?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's going to be my
new opener, but yeah. I mean me too, I actually bought
700 balls over just to be like. I mean, like, did you see, I
don't know if you saw some comedians in America, Bryan
Callen and Brian Schaub went out.
Who did the Fighter in the Kid podcast?
They went out like the first guys to go back on the road in
America to like the southern states.
The southern they're like, because, you know, every state
in America is kind of like they've got their own guidelines
on coronavirus opened at different times.
And the southern states seem to just be like fuck it, Let's just
let's just open again because the whole thing is like freedom,
you know, their whole thing is so they don't want to be told to
close so they'll open early. These guys have gone back out
and done reduced capacity shows, but done like 6 shows on a
weekend and shocker, they've got and they had to put out, they
had to put out videos being like to everyone who we met at the
show and sure cans with and whatever I met, you know, you're
going to have to go and get tested and get checked.
That's fucking like, as difficult as it is, you just
have to wait until you're told like, OK, it's a good you, you
know it's safe to go and do it. Like not just for the audience,
but for you like as well. I feel bad for the venues and
stuff that are obviously it's expensive to keep a venue going
when you get no money coming in. That's the only way I can see
justified. Like is that the guy in America?
I can't remember his name, but he's he's kind of got like an
Afro, Grey Afro. He was like the first comedian
back and he was literally on stage coughing, going,
collapsing on stage going. I think I'm fucked.
And you're like, just don't do it for a while.
I want to do it. Obviously I haven't had a shit
in three months. Just.
Like yeah, you need the gigs to come back.
Layer your balls. Yeah, I've got diarrhoea, like
seeping out my earholes, man. Obviously I want to do stand up
but I need to wait another couple of months, which is fine
like everybody needed that we break anyway stand up wise.
Yeah, yeah, you're, well, I've never, I haven't had a break
even though we're like, we're in a small stand up scene here, so
you can go a couple of weeks to doing a gig.
But I haven't had like a break of stand up in like 1213 years.
So the, the good part of it is like you can like look at your
material, you can look at what you've got and be like, oh, now
I've got time to make this all better.
Even just like looking at some older bits and being like, can I
make this snappy or funnier and all.
Like I've definitely seen the benefit of, of doing that.
But when it comes back, it's just, it's just so great.
Like I, I've never really been like in and out with stand up.
I've always been in with stand up and no.
I haven't. Yeah, I have.
I haven't had more than two weeks off since 2011, so 2012,
whenever started. Yeah.
So it's, it's been, I mean, not that it's been nice, obviously
it's been horrific, but I'm happy with it in some respects.
But I think that's, I think I'm definitely learning that is that
it's OK to say like the whole lockdown thing, there's
definitely been good parts of it.
You know, I think we're all like, because we're like fucking
conscious people. You're, you don't want to be
going about being like fucking next year.
Fingers crossed. COVID 20.
Wave Two. Wave Two.
Wave 2. But like.
Wait for that same wave, man, wash over me.
But there there definitely is like, I mean, even even this
podcast, I'm just, you know, interviewing a lot of people and
and, you know, falling back in love with doing podcasts because
I'd done the solo podcast before and this and like doing videos
like why was I not doing this level of productivity, like.
Yeah, I mean, I always said I'm just so busy with stand up.
If I had a wee break I would get right at it doing podcasts.
So. Obviously I was talking shit
because I've had three months off.
I think it's criminal that you don't do a podcast because I and
I don't just think, you know, there's an outage of like if you
do stand up, you should do a podcast.
That's not true because not all stand ups.
Yeah, some of them are fucking. Well, I think a lot of and
that's a clip. No, but I think you'll meet a
lot of people who on stage when they've got the prepared
material, no problem. But off stage they just don't
like to not trying to be funny, but you know what I mean?
It's like people don't like just riffing and stuff.
Like obviously you shit here and riffing, but but I would I would
definitely listen to your podcast and I don't listen to
that many other comedy podcasts. I mean, I was, I had an idea
starting a podcast about how you make matters, but obviously you
fucking stole that. Here I was trying to look at
teasers. Those people are like, this guy
really doesn't know a lot about mirrors.
Maybe I should check out other ideas he has about it.
But OK, someone had to fucking Google it.
But oh. By the way, the the the podcast
artwork for that would be class. It would obviously be you and
your reflection looking in the mirror.
That'll be nice. This is no, this is it, right?
It's me starting the podcast like this is me not in the
mirror. I'm like, yeah.
Oh, but in the mirror, I'm like, yeah.
And it just shows that duality and my personality.
Like OK, he likes to have a laugh, but at the same time he
knows that you shouldn't sometimes.
Let's try and get some Oster Scott's broadcast money for a
pitch where you and I discover what you.
Talk about this. Every time I.
Don't think this money exists. Every time I meet you, you're
like, listen, the BBC has a secret fund of gold coins that
they never touch because. So about five years ago somebody
told me. And now The thing is I have no
idea who the person was that told me.
I don't remember when it was, but I remember somebody told me
once. There is a broadcast fund called
the Ulster Scots Broadcast Fund. And yeah, there's, there's,
there's, there's, there's a daily be down there.
There's money to be made talking.
We're talking big box now. I said this person, I don't
speak Ulster Scots. I mean, we all kind of do
because it's not that different at all.
I don't know how much you know about the language.
I don't know that much about it, but all I know about it is we
can all speak it, you know what I mean?
And then I mean, I'll definitely have one Ulster, one Ulster
Scots, avid listener being like, that's me, fucking unsubscribe.
But but then look, I know that this broadcast fund exists.
And I said to this person, I don't speak Ulster Scots.
And they say it doesn't matter. All you need to do is have like
a link, a link with Ulster, a link with Scotland.
And then when you and I chatted about like, you know, what ideas
will have me pitch ATV show or something, that's when a light
bulb went off in my head. The secret money.
And I said there's a £7 million Oster broadcast fund and even if
you just have a good idea, you get 7 million transferred into
your account. So I mean, yeah, I mean.
If you want to be dismissive of it, you can be, but whenever.
I've not been dismissive. Whenever I go to, whenever I go
to Roscoe with it and say Roscoe, it's time for us to do
the Ulster Scots project. And I mean, I don't have much
more beyond the fact that we should pitch something.
I don't have an idea but. I could definitely.
We had the ferry thing and we had the we go, we go to the
islands. That could be funny.
The ferry, yeah. So we talked a little bit about
this My Birthday podcast, but I had this idea that I pitched, I
think I text you in the middle of the night and I was really
excited about this idea. And I said, what about because
the ferry goes between Northern Ireland and Scotland?
I don't know, three times a day, something like that.
So I was like, what if two guys are travelling from work?
Quirky idea, You're from Scotland, I'm from Northern
Ireland. Hello.
And when we go to work in the morning, we chat on the ferry.
We just get to know each other on the ferry and always like
have a chat. And then that's our lives,
that's our relationship. It's two guys chat to each other
every day in the ferry and then that's it.
And then you pointed out to me relatively quickly.
In fact, it was quite rude how quickly you pointed this out.
You said, but they wouldn't be if if you're going to, the idea
was I will go to work in Scotland and you will go to work
in Ireland. And that's when we would meet.
And then you very helpfully pointed out then we wouldn't be
on the same ferry. Yeah, they would drive past each
other. Yeah.
And I tried to counter by saying like, what if they just, you
know, showed it over from portholes?
Yeah. And that's, that's what it was
going to be called portholes, but but you didn't want to go
for that. And then, you know, the idea is
still there. I think it takes some adopting,
but, you know, let's just put it this way.
Also Scott's broadcast fund. Don't worry about it.
You could BB CS secret oster money.
Start buying things on finance. Trust me, don't worry about it.
Yeah, cause 'cause the. House.
We'll get that money, house, whatever.
How do you think about this place?
This is. This is also.
I like your curtains. 400% APR. Thanks.
Thanks very much man. I mean the 90s and that's where
the, that's where the humour of the the programme comes from
because just like that we're doing gags, we're doing gags,
we're doing gags just like that. I mean very disappointed for
just the audio listeners who didn't see me part my hair
curtains but monitor. It was good.
It's usually it's strong. Tell me what?
You seemed so spaced out there because you couldn't open your
eyes for too long. You were like trying to get them
open. But you, you eventually, you
eventually got there. What's one thing outside of
comedy? Let me ask you, it's a final
question. What's one thing?
Oh shit, he's got Chrome. What's one thing?
By the way, I just did the the shittest banter of all time.
When someone calls, you're like, he's got it, he's got it.
COVID. COVID.
I was trying to think before for no reason, before we did this
podcast, I was thinking sometimes I think people's names
fit into a song. And then I was thinking about
your name. And then I thought of a tune
that is a good one. So I I'll you, you tell me first
and I'll tell you what I have. Owner of a lonely heart.
Go for it. That's not what I had.
Christopher Mecca. Good.
I had DJ Otzi. Hey baby, I want to know Chris
MacArthur boy. As Chris MacArthur.
But I'm Christopher MacArthur. But fuck yeah, Christopher, I
want to. Know Christopher?
MacArthur boy, will you be my boy?
I thought you. Were going to say my boy and
that would that would kind of be cute and that would work, but I
don't know if my own does. Does my own fit in anything?
Shane Todd, What is it good for? Absolutely.
Comedy. Yeah, yeah, cool man.
I'm going to leave it there. I'm going to let you get on to
do your Twitch on your fucking play bot or your graphics.
Get your graphics live your game lad. 17 games in one.
Super Nest Nintendo. Super Nest Tendo, yeah.
Super Nest. Tendo GameCube.
My Dreambox. Dreambox Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you could honestly tell me any of those real consoles
and. My Commodore 64.
Again don't rain. Oh streets of rage I used to
play that street to rage in golden axe.
I went to someones house once in.
This. I was playing one of them last
night on the Switch. You get like old games for free.
So yeah, I was playing Bludgeon Brothers or something and it was
like it was a. Porno.
It was shape. On Pornhub?
Yeah, Bludgeon Brothers.
That's definitely what that sounds like.
That doesn't sound like computer game guys.
It sounds like it sounds like to like hillbilly twins.
Who? Ray.
Just go at it like not together, but just, you know.
Tag team. Yeah, I don't know, something to
chat to the Ulster Scots broadcast.
Listen, we he's for Belfast and for Glasgow we are the Bludgeon
Brothers. I love that.
That's our pitch, you know, you get the executives there.
Scotland and I chat to me. They keep it like, well, loads
of people are for Scotland and loads of people are for Northern
Ireland. So like, why is it about you 2
We're like, no, you don't get it.
He's for Belfast. I'm from Glasgow.
Need I say more? Yes.
The first thing is like we get, we get each other's like sayings
wrong. You know what I mean?
Like I say to you, what's the crack?
And you go like, like drugs and I say you've got a lot to learn.
I mean, there's, there's definitely worse programmes and
TV. That happened in my real life.
I love to a Northern Irish guy when I was at uni for a wee bit.
Cute. And he said, what's the crack?
And I was like, I'd never heard that.
My life, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, that's the thing. Like a lot of people from
different countries will always, like, give you an introduction
to the way they talk or say like, what's a crack?
And then go, oh, that's weird the way we say that, but let me
explain. But there's a thing here of,
like, say nothing, you know, like, because people over the
years have been told never to get information to like, you
know, the police. So a guy will say what's a crack
and he's by law not allowed to tell you anything else other
than that. You know, he was just like, he
didn't even explain it with his words.
He was just waving his hands like.
What's a crack? Was he, was he very Northern
Irish? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, paramilitary. Potentially.
But he threatened a room full of Russians once.
That's very Northern Irish to do that, you know, it would all, it
would all, it would almost be rude if he didn't.
Yeah. You know, but but I like.
He thought one of them stole his leather jacket.
That's that's that's the plot that every 80s Northern Irish
film. It's Russian.
Stole my leather jacket. That's what I used to take my
leather jacket. Yeah, you know, he'd be played
by an American actor. Sergei, you seem to have stolen
my leather jacket. I would like it back.
And then all of a sudden on the title Moscow, you know, he's
he's gone over. Where is it?
Vladimir Putin, Listen. By the time I leave, I better be
Vladimir Putin. My jacket.
Right, This is what we pitch. I'll be the Russians.
I'll be all the Russians. Yeah, and it's just called
Where's My Leather Jacket? Where's my jacket?
And it's just. Liam Neeson genuinely would be
interested and they want to know.
What have you done with White Jacket?
And then what will be sooner than Irish is he realises the
whole time that he's just had it with him.
That's what happened with this guy.
It was behind his door. But he'll definitely view some
political. Get out of that.
This has been heard here by the British government.
It hasn't. It hasn't.
You're at your name, Glasgow, you know what I mean?
Relax. Oh, it was some late.
Where's my leather jacket, Netflix 2021?
What have you done with it? Yeah, that's enjoyable.
All right, man. Well, look, thanks very much.
I've got a script to write. Send me over and I'll have a
weekend. Have a nice day.
Yeah, I'm going to. No, I'm going to end the meeting
here and then I'm going to send you a text and say cheer for it
in the podcast. Appreciate.
It I'll text you back man, the way, but no.
Don't feel, don't feel under under any pressure to do that.
It's all good. And also when you just give me
your e-mail address yousaid.com insteadof.com so.
Youtypein.com. No, I typed in.com.
But what I will say is if you've been using the same copy and
paste e-mail for your e-mail, like maybe you have it on notes
typed out and you're just copying and pasting it all that
for people, I would change it now because you've probably
missed out on a lot of stuff. Yeah, people are like, I keep
emailandthese.com addresses, but they don't actually exist.
No, no, no. All right, man, we'll look.
Thank you very much for coming on the pod.
It's great to see your face as always, and I look forward to in
real life seeing your face when we go in for these pitch
meetings. Let's do it, man.
Me. You.
Can I Can I ask? Some leather jackets.
Can I ask you this, if we do get the green light, if we get the
Commission, will you join me for a celebratory cup of tea?
I'll have a coffee, you have a tea.
I may have another accidental tea though.
An accident. Oh, name of this week's episode?
Either where's the leather jacket or the accidental tea?
I'm excited. Thank you.
Very. Much bye.
See you later, man. I'm definitely I'm just to let
you know why I'm definitely ending this, all right?
All right, bye.