I'm Michael. Che and I'm Colin Jose, and
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Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
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You love it. Super welcome to this episode of
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So you're just going to finish your play?
Do you love that? They love them.
But to finish, yeah, yeah, I'm really, I'm, I've, I've knocked
my shit out at this stage, really knackered.
And also, if you've seen any footage, it is a full, it's a
rave. It's very physical.
Like there's a lot of running and running around, which is
great because you don't need to go to the gym.
It's like a lot of exercise. But I am absolutely Crash
Bandicoot. Is that a phrase?
It is not. A couple of couple of phrases
are I would have pulled up on those moments.
Knock, knock, knock. You've knocked your shit in.
Yeah, yeah, that's not like giving yourself a beating.
Yeah, yeah, I was just saying knocking is knocking somebody
shit in, not fucking tell them they owe you money for drugs
that you sold them and then you're fucking Yeah, I only
stamping on that. Just have.
Money for drugs? And I get sad when things are
over, like nothing made me sadder than P7 when P7 was over
the last day of school. When you all signed each.
Other's T-shirts. But I I hadn't made any really
lasting friendships and I knew it then.
I knew it then. At 10 years old, you were you
were you were that mature that you.
Could cold cold, you know we S Club 7 the stars.
Was this was the song and I remember.
It was. They were all saying about how
they were going to let, oh, we'll see, still see each other
and all this and I remember walking.
What song was it by? It's called Reach for the Stars.
All right, yeah, I remember. I was way.
But all these. I think it was reach in brackets
for the stars. It was, it was, it was.
It was just called Reach. If you knew them personally, it
was just. Called.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we did a dance routine on
our levers assembly. Right.
To reach for the stars. Right, big songs.
Oh, sorry, sorry. I thought you'd finished.
I. Was going to say me and five,
five other people, but it was probably six other people if it
was S Club 7. Yeah.
Yeah, but you weren't worried about that sort of thing back
then. Like, I remember doing a Spice
Girls routine at a summer scheme and there wasn't.
I don't think there was enough of us.
Or like all the Spice Girls. No, we were one short or
something, Yeah. You were you were like the Spice
Girls when Jerry left, Yes. Yeah, who were you?
I was. You strike me as a sporty space
show. I I'd have had him as.
A sporty space. Oh.
Well, tell me this I, I'll you might know who I am based on
this, this bit of choreography. It was for wannabe, you think?
And I come out at the start and I do like this move like before
everyone. And then I fall back in line,
then we dance. So whoever of the Spice Girls
did that, it might have been Baby Spice.
It could have been sporty Spice. Definitely wasn't baby, she was
not upfront and centre to sort of.
Any song. I fancy most I.
We're doing. I I fancy, yeah, but I was a
child myself so don't try and work an angle here.
Where? I I definitely fancy Polish the
most I had. Nah.
I had there was there was a poster of her.
Right. That was her.
So this is this is one of the stories you start and then kind
of regret. That it was a poster of her.
So there was. There were many.
Because there was there was posters of all of them and and
like, and and what was she called?
No, no, no, no, it was classier not She was in a tiny Man United
shirt and and so. Like what?
Like a kids one. I think, well, they all were
like Sporty was in a Liverpool One I was.
Gonna say because she. Was and, and then the other ones
I don't know because they weren't actually really
connected with football, but you know, wherever, wherever or or
what was scary. Is she from Leeds or something?
So she maybe have. She's from the Yorkshire area.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that area, Aldo, yeah, she was like, so I
think she might have been in like a Leeds top or something
maybe. But then Porsche was in a Man
United one. That was a good poster.
Are you in a poster? Sporty.
Because it was in more Liverpool top kind of be honest with you.
That's weird because all the Liverpool players did too.
Can't tell me Austria about the poster.
It was. It was a page from Smash Hits
that I had on my wall. Yeah, that was what's what was
my wallpaper with changes. From Smash Hits, I remember once
being the HM thing was HMV upstairs in Castle Court in
Belfast. And you know, they have those
big poster displays which I love looking through, firing through
them all. And I need a poster for my
bedroom wall. And I was maybe, I don't know, 9
or 10 or something. I love that you're like I needed
a poster I. Needed one.
I just, I'd like just got my walls painted or something,
right? So I was like, I need a poster
to set this off and they were like 250 or some.
So I find one like and it's all Man United and all sports ones
and then a few different ones. And I said, and then when you
find the one you want, there's a number on it and they're all in
tubes down below. You pick what the one you want.
So I see when I'm like, Daddy, I want to get this one.
No, he's like, no worries. There's 250 and all.
So I get it, take it home. I put it up that night.
He just comes up to my room and like happens to see what the
poster is. It was Carmen Electra, but she
just had her tits out. So my dad took it straight down,
put it in his room. Did you?
Think you were going to get away with that?
I can't, I don't. I was like, if it's here I
should be able to get it. You know what I mean?
It's. Always such a random collection.
So he was like Carmen Electra Pikachu.
Yeah, I like a stone dealer. Yeah, take me to your dealer.
And you buy it, but you didn't know what it was.
Yeah. I mean, a man had a really grim
one like out in his room that was like it was it was grim
though. It was like Lil' Kim with with
the Bob's Flan and was my was just like.
But why can I say Lil' Kim wasn't hot?
Because that but also like. But everyone thought, no, they
didn't. Nope.
Nah. I think they respected her
music. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it was more than I I, I, I didn't really I'm.
Sure, that's why she wanted to be respected.
Yeah, yeah. No.
Have you seen a video from Banging Hits?
She's sort of, she's sort of like smashed shops and, you
know, B&M exclusively, right, You know?
Like Big Shop? Yeah, yeah.
She does the big shop like she's never had.
She's never had Coke that didn't have Arabic written on the side
of the thing, you know what I mean?
I think for Moulin Rouge, she tried to go for it.
Oh, right, what? She was trying to keep up with
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Let's get back into this episode.
Can I? Can I just say in that video?
We talked about this for who the sexiest got nothing he was.
No. Let's let's talk about that's
that's. We have right all.
These really. Messy comes out at the start in
like her own clothes. Yeah, she's basically I'm just
introducing. This I'm not there, but there.
Because I've said, and this might be controversial, I think
pink was the hottest. Yes and was talented.
Pink is a phenomenal singer. She's not a better singer,
Christina. She's just.
She's not a better singer. She.
Isn't a better singer. She's not a better singer here.
She's. Good.
You know what she is? She's now Blair is irritating.
She is she's unbelievable. She does.
You know what Christina does far too much off and I'm sure she
gives a fuck what I think, but this I'm sitting here literally
like fucking Christina. Yeah, just be like, do you know
she does too much. This is shows this and the and
the note band, you know, and you're like sounds like a
fucking Harley-Davidson Thornton.
She's she's a judge on like one in American shoes like this.
She's trying to convince them to sing the cat as.
Well, yeah, I've never heard. She's a great singer.
Before, yeah. She's from your impression.
I know, but that she knows too much of that.
The the band melts me. I'm not I'm not fake.
See occasionally when you listen to like.
See, when you listen to like old, I like soul singers and
jazz singers, occasionally they break in a wee bit of that, but
it's like a natural crack in the voice.
Yeah, right. See.
See when. You're one of the things you
turn upside down when you're a kid.
See when? See when you're, see when you're
specifically trying to live on that note, that melts me, right?
Yeah. Do you know what I mean?
That's, I mean, she's doing, she's doing far too much.
Yeah, you're saying. But what are you saying is a
better song or she can hit more notes?
Do you know? No, she's a better.
I think she has a better. Could you join a better two
more? Christina Pink.
Pink. No, I, I, I.
Pinks first album fine see a rest of the see see now winch
core. It's all win.
Yeah, not anymore. Not seeing.
Seeing a pink song. This is a true story Save a pink
song comes on that's like after like. 20.
After that first. 2012. No, her first album was like.
2006 or. 2000 and fucking yeah like 2002 thousand.
Oh, I was actually sick. 1003 so I'm like the one that had like
there you go and you just you make me sick and stuff like that
and then it gets it gets in the winch core and I mean like her
her songs. Now see how one that starts off.
I haven't always been this way. I'm like off.
I will put you 105 on flat. I'll just be like, I'll change
it. If I hear it, cover me and
sunshine is great and that's new.
I haven't heard. I don't know it.
You don't know it. No, I listened to it whenever I
was giving. Birth.
It was a good one. Do you know?
It is a good one and it is a banger.
And she does deserve credit for it.
I'm caught. Or get the party started.
Yeah, that's a banger. And it does.
Now. See, Lil Kenlow, if we can just
go back that are you sorry, sorry.
Go ahead, go ahead. I just need to say this.
Can I just say this Yes. See the bit at the end of Moulin
Rouge and at the end of Lady Marmalade when they all they
normally they're, you know, Christina, Yeah.
Yeah. Lil' Kim.
Oh yeah. Oh, I'm like, like all that
fucking winds me up. I hate that.
I fancied Christina Aguilera until The Dirty video and then I
I got intimidated but. Oh, she was too much.
I couldn't handle. I was like 11 watching that
going. I couldn't handle.
It I didn't like her until The Dirty video and then I went.
Then I went. She could handle me.
You know the fucking? I never fancied Britney Spears.
Never. I did away bit.
No, I did a wee bit. It's the school uniform things,
rare and all. I think that's where.
I think as we were wearing school uniforms, it would have
been like a boss man's holiday, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, but like, she'd be
rich enough to wear her own clothes, and she's still wearing
school clothes. It's past 4:00.
Why is she wearing that? Just it's sort of more like a
boss man just having a wank in a school.
But I'm I don't know, do you think?
She's dead. Pardon, do you?
Think she's dead? There's a lot of talk that that
her sister's impersonating her and that she's either gone off
to live somewhere. Else so that she I do think that
yeah. So from what you've said,
probably that would be yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, do you know? Sorry.
Her face shapes and all different in all our videos.
I I liked her very specific for a very specific amount of time.
I liked her between the video for Sometimes and the video for
Slave for You. And then I switched off.
See at I'm wearing these knickers on the outside of my
jeans. I'm like, you look smelly now.
Yeah, see you later right next to me and Slave for You She's
worn. And then people, people in
Belfast did that for a couple of weeks.
Yeah, like I'm wearing my pink knickers from Topshop.
Not me, no. They somebody outside their.
Jeans. No, they didn't.
No they didn't. Yes, it did.
No, they didn't. Fuck up.
I saw. I saw that this was in your
house. No, no.
Your sisters. I saw.
I saw that happen. My Bartlett.
Somebody. Somebody.
My Bartlett. Yeah, it was my Bartlett.
Just wearing a kidney warmers on the outside of a nice pair of
slacks from fucking Marxes. No.
This was. This was.
I I believe I saw this at a
preformal Now somebody could have been somebody.
They could have been dressed up as Britney Spears, but but like
I remember seeing that literally going world AI has AI your man.
There's there's a round for the next fucking mock bloom that's
mental. Oh my God.
What a great here, what a great time for music that was, though.
You know who's made an absolute killing?
Redmond. Redmond.
It's Redmond.
Well, Redman, Redmond. Redmond.
You know the guy again steals 11
and and and dirty and dirty. He's the guy goes 00000.
Yeah, he's do. You know, ask me who my
favourite superhero is. Batman.
Superman. Oh, there's that spider man
again. What?
Do you call it? He also does.
He is still living that guy because his two most famous
things are dirty and doing that sort of rap that gets caught out
a lot of the radio edits and then also the EN and Offspring
song. Original prankster.
He goes Original prankster. Worst down on original.
Yeah, that's it. Nope.
Was royal. Was Redmond the Wu Tang Clan?
I believe that he was. When I'm taking a Method Man.
No, I was Redmond. I actually Method Man I I
definitely believed his name was Redmond.
But anyway, he, he, he was big for like about 10 minutes and
then and then I Sonic such a bitch.
But like Redman, he was big for like 10 minutes.
I'm like one of those, you know, like a talking head on.
I remember the naughties, Yeah. My favourite Britney song Boys
with Pharrell Williams. The remix, that was
unbelievable. You know what I liked?
I was born to make you happy. I liked the one every time where
she was lying in the bath. Nah.
That was a good prior. I will give you an opportunity
to. My.
Daddy likes that as well. And I think it was.
One can I say you're dark right you I give.
You. The bathroom.
The the one that was shit and the world agrees with me because
I think it was her first song. I didn't go straight and #1
lucky every day. She's so lucky.
Was that not meant to be part? Of the film.
Was that on a soundtrack to the film?
That was Crossroads. What was that song?
Blazing Squad. No she she was in a shit coming
of age movie called. Crossroads.
And it was. And.
I'm not a girl, yeah. Woman.
That was her warning to the world being like.
I'm. 14 Yeah, give me 5 minutes. I'm not, I'm not a guard, you
know, to need a conservatorship. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's Brittany's dad doing now? Cream right in the bath every
time. Creaming it money wise like.
No, but it's not a goner now. Do you think there's a part of
him going? What?
Dead. No, like he's not had to do with
him, right? Isn't it?
No, he's not to do with him, but do you think there's part of him
now that's going? Yeah, told you, told you, told
you so. Yeah.
No, he's. One doing such a bad job.
He's he's made her lippy by locking her up.
Yeah, but I think his argument might be here.
Remember saying nothing. Remember when she did one of
these? Yes, yes.
She she said it. I would hit my dad to be my
conservator, not. Your actual dad I.
Hit that. What do I give Mikey doing?
No, but it's just, it's just a taking control like your
finances and all. And if I wanted, like last week,
I bought Loose Pros and Marks and Spencer from the autograph
range and I gave in to that because I was like.
Is this a real graph? Net worth It is, yeah.
I've I've I've felt like this jumpers lovely, but you have
aged in a good way. Sorry, you talk about, you know,
compliment and insult that the jumpers nice, but you've aged.
No, no. I'd rather wear a not nice
jumper. No, they're both nice and
agents. A good thing.
Do you mean no? What you meant to say?
Is that's news for everyone at the owner?
I'm not. I'm not a boy.
Not yet a man. And all I need is time.
So you what you mean is not I've aged.
You've matured. I look more mature.
Regal. That that is that what I.
Meant that's what you meant, but I give in because.
You know, you'll notice he hasn't given you shit for
networking. The king, the Sherpa, the
knitwear Sherpa over there. This guy did not.
Daddy Bartlett, don't. Tell.
You guys something last night doing the Opera House and Tony
had messaged me and said could I get a couple of tickets?
And I was like, yeah, of course. And I he says, right, what's I
mean, can I get some tickets? And I replied and said yes,
daddy. And he hearted the message on
what's up and that was it. He went to pick up the tickets.
Shocker. I had not properly arranged to
have left them out. He, with his girlfriend's
parents, had to go up to box office and be like, I think
there's tickets for me on the name Tony.
And they were like, yeah, there is tickets, but we, the name
hasn't come across. We don't know who they're for.
And he was like, and he had to show the lady the message.
And it's just me saying, yes, daddy.
So he said, I said, what happened?
He went. They just threw the tickets at
me and were like, yeah, yeah. I don't want to say that.
He could have, he could have changed the name in the phone.
That could have been anyone that said that.
He could have, but I think the weirdness just over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, we don't care at this
stage. Go in there.
Was this we boy calling every all his mates daddy, you know?
Yeah, but it was just a joke. Wipe the seat stone when you
leave. Yeah, but it was just, did you
have good fun? Were you in the John Lennon
dressing room in the operation? No, because only you get that
bit serious. No, because there's there's a
few of us. We share dressing room the girls
when the girls are in a show, we all share dressing room like by
choice. So that one doesn't even.
Get not big enough. But it doesn't get opened.
Why would they open it? No, we can look at that if we
want. The doors are locked.
Nah, the doors locked. But we can access the case.
Yeah. We can, I can get the John and I
couldn't. They wouldn't give to me and no,
because we all share. So we need a bigger dressing
room. Right.
Although the Mal Ballymena the other night, they put all three
of us in the smallest dressing room.
Oh yeah, all three of us. We were literally sitting on
charge. Not in the place we were for
the. BBC not big, 1-2 doors down and
the one that definitely holds one person, three of us on there
together. He's like Bahamina.
Our arm Ballers exploding somewhere here in this story.
He's recently charged knees. Were you fucking?
Why would he love that? Why aren't I don't know.
He was the first person come into my head who probably loves.
For Pervert, yeah, he's yeah, I don't think he does.
I think he's in the more like. Yeah, I type.
Devices, I don't think he don't, I don't think he's he's manually
done one it since 2009. So what do you think?
He's I could see him having like.
Yeah, I could see a wall. I could see him having like a
mechanism in this house. I see him having a Swank.
Them off like a yeah, like. Whatever he has like a secret
room in the house. It's like a crystal maze type
situation with lots of different things in the wall that you can
put your deck in, but there's only a crystal in one of them.
You know what? I mean, Oh my God.
And there's definitely rooms in his house that no one has seen.
The crystal glaze. Yeah, I fell in the room in his
face once. What do you mean?
I just like was leaning against the wall and.
Ended up in a room and. It was just pitting them.
West Side Story to me there. Was one time I tried to turn
this TV on and the door locked when I hit the button and music
came on and the lights dimmed. I could see you have.
A up. Until the last second there.
So that's. I could see you having a panic
room in your house but it's not for like intruders, it's just
for when you panic in general and have to just count.
Down screen I fucking love her in the.
Room you can. Go pee by yourself.
That be fab. Come.
With you like a toilet. Take each other nappy off I
think. She means kids all.
Right. So I was sitting there going
what the fuck like. Well, it is weird.
I think I have a couple of. Them it is weird that the kids
come to. Like we.
Need to piss? You're rolling deep in a crew of
three. Look, yeah, the boys are just
backing me up all the time. Just like stabbing either side.
Mental. For no reason.
Always kids. I have AI have a album in my
phone called Toilet Mom and it's just like loads of photographs
of Toilet Mum, right? I don't know why because I'm
never going to post them, but it's like a photograph with
Winter's face here. Every single time I'm in the
toilet, just took a photograph and she's always gets here.
Give me attention. That's not the nickname you want
either. Toilet mum turn #2 toilet mum.
Yeah, if you had to have like a wee, a hidden room in your
house, what would what would it be for?
Be it, be honest. Gaming like a wee gaming.
Room. Do you need that to be hidden?
Yeah, the way he does it, yes, quite, quite.
Serious made all right. Chloe had a Chloe had a wee bit
of a party there last week, had a few of her friends up from
from work. Here's way of saying he had a
house woman didn't invite any of us, no.
Fault, fault, fault. And you know how you know it's
false? Because I I wasn't even well, so
I was meant to be gigging that night.
I was actually meant to be able to house.
I have to pull a gig is. This a bangers show, yes?
I have to put a gig. I'm doing it this Saturday.
Well, no, I'm doing it in a couple of days from when we're
recording, not when this goes out.
You're not in trouble. I don't want people to go.
I don't buy that Saturday, so I am.
I'm getting a conservatorship for you.
So so. I, I was in bed essentially, but
then I I'd been in bed literally all.
Day so when Chloe has her matron, you're in bed sick.
Do they get brought up for like a like like an?
Audience like a Pope, like a king who's like, they come in
and I blast them and then. Yeah.
You've blessed him with Doritos. We'll have like we'll have like
a COVID style glass straight up in front of me and I just go, I
just, I just go right now. So, so they were downstairs
having the crack and I was sort of, I was.
What what's the vibe of are they?
Is there music on or what? We, there was, there was, I
would say there was a nice level of hum and music, if you know
what I mean. They're talking.
But Chloe said specifically to me that she was going to put
music on, but she wouldn't have it too loud because she didn't
want people shouting over it. So it's just a nice level of
music. Would you all like all 80s stuff
the best? Nice.
And then and then they're having cocktails and they're having the
crack. And they were there.
They were having a good time. I I was in bed all day and I'd
watched about four movies and I was like, I thought, you know,
I'm going to get up here for an hour.
I'll nip into the wee computer. I'll do some work.
So shout out some work, right. And then I went sort of don't
want to just get straight back into bed, like genuinely, I
don't like lying in bed that long.
So I was like, I'm going to sit here, John going to do I'm going
to go on here. I'm going to play a wee bit of
hell out loose. I'm going to, I'm going to win.
I'm going to win the Battle of Karen Town for the Germans.
That's what I'm going to do, right?
Some on plan. During what era?
1940s World War 2, right? You're going to win it for the
Germans. I always play on the German team
because they have better weapons, no?
That's some justification. No, it's a game.
Shit. So you the only thing that got
you out of your bed was the idea that you might secure a victory
for Nazi Germany. Well, these are your words.
I didn't say that. Because they have good guns.
Listen, you have to choose a side.
You can be American or German. When I went on, there was more
Americans playing than Germans. I chose Germans, the numbers,
but I usually always be a German in it anyway, so I'm sitting
there. By the way, by the way, I got
the reason he needs a panic room is he does a bit of role play
German. Characters, but I have my
headphones on and the we the we make them all and A food German
and it is embarrassing because Chloe came up.
Obviously I didn't hear her coming into the room.
Yeah, but she's literally style and passing herself behind me as
I'm like, I am talking to people in Germany and I'm no, no, and
I'm but I'm, I'm, I was, I was, I was angry.
Talking. Yes, I guarantee I was the
officer of my squad, so I have to give.
You an SS officer I. Have to give no.
No, you were an SS officer. Vermac Chin, Just the Army, not
the SS. Oh, the good guys then, The sort
of cool the regular. They didn't mind juice.
They think Jews are pretty cool. To be far, it's not part of the
game. Right, but you make it part of
the game. That's why you need to have.
A room I was just giving mate. Chloe walked in and Kieran said,
let me check your paper. I was, I was just, I am flat out
giving orders to people like you have to in order for this game.
No, you do. No, but you like there's,
there's so many people playing. That's 50 people versus 50.
There's 100 people in the server.
If you don't give orders to people and their orders aren't
followed, you lose the game. Yeah.
So I'm literally sitting there going guys take the next bridge.
Like I mean, you don't I. Will never understand Alex to
play games. Well, correct.
You'll never understand me truly.
Then they all know No, no will only be surface level friends.
You know me. That's.
Fine. By me I hear I took me going.
I don't understand people shit with kids in the room.
Yeah, that's you're not getting an invite over to the game.
You'll never. Stop behind that glass and get
fucking air kissed. What's she like?
Does she think it's funny? Does Chloe think it's as funny?
She thinks I'm a fucking nerd. Like, I mean, she pisses
herself, especially when she catches me talking to people.
Yeah, she's like, I can't believe the things you say.
You know she also. Pisses herself laughing when I
lose it in FIFA. You tough talk, 12 year old
boys. It's it's mostly adults play
this game. Oh, it's mostly just go get.
When you put the console down and walk out of the room.
Not that you're holding the console the whole time you're
holding the remote thing. Yeah, but like when you stop
that, are you leaving? Still raging or can you get on
about your day? I'll.
Be honest in Germany. You see this new FIFA last
night, I'm still raging from last night.
The game. The game is doing things.
You know who he plays as? ISIS and FIFA.
The game the game the game does things the only where it
specifically wants you to fuck and I get fucked you.
It helps you so hard. So you feel like you have to go
back and. No, not now.
I literally do. You know what I said?
I said the Chloe, as I said the controller down last night.
I don't know if I'm going to play this.
That's out of the podcast. Don't say that, Kieran.
I know. But then he Chloe goes, he's
back on. Here, here's the Here's the
saddest bit though. When you're playing on PC, it's
not a, it's not a controller, it's a motion keyboard and a
headset. Look at the EJ.
Except knowledge code. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, even a shit rare kids party DJ's killer, Yeah, you
know. I never really played like I
played FIFA more with you on your podcast than I ever have.
How come it never interested you as a child though?
I find more of a thrill in playing football, as in
genuinely being. To be far, so did I, if you can
believe that and. And also, I wasn't, you know,
this with me, if I'm not naturally good at something,
I'll just refuse to play it. Yeah, so I wasn't good at
computer games. If I went into a presentation,
played, they they had a console, so they were brilliant at it.
So I would just get beat all the time.
So I was like, I just go outside and play football.
Yeah. So I never, I never really got
into it. I just.
I don't really play football on the street anymore, so I don't
mean like us, I would be no, but like people don't really.
I'll never. Don't go outside.
I will never turn down a kicker, but I will never turn down a
kicker but. Even if it's with the Germans.
Germans, non Germans, if there were kids, if we walk out, if we
walk out the back of the car park here and there was a few
kids having a kick of it and went do you fancy a touch?
Or no, who's who's worse? Who's worse now?
Oops. Oh, I'd.
Say I'd say yes and then get your ball right now I would.
I would have a kick about no problem.
No problem. I brought a ball down to the
live pod at the at the SSE. I just I love it and and I don't
play football anymore like on Saturdays.
I just miss having to kick a bite And that's why I only know
do I buy myself like nice looking shoes because when I was
younger I just. Knew they were getting wrecked.
I was good shoes everything. Like all the boys and I've got
sons, there's like school shoes get fucked by like October
because they're run when kicking.
But they don't play football outside anymore, kids.
No, because it's like, see, if you see if you say like to kids,
like remember whenever we were going up and they'd be like,
right, if you're like, if you've done some bad, you're going to
get brought yes, Whereas no, you have to get if you do something
bad, you're getting sent out. Right.
Yeah. It's like you've been like, if
you get yes for my steps on school up, if you rent, oh,
you're not eating your daughter or you're fighting your brother,
go to your room. They'd be all happy days.
That's where I want to be. Yeah, yeah.
They don't want to be outside or downstairs.
Such a good. Point so sad.
We have. How do you how do you Polish
them? You can't.
You have to take devices off them and then eventually they
won't care and everyone just cries.
Fuck me, you have to. Compare.
I went outside, although maybe I just think we did.
No, I was outside. From morning till.
Night I was out every day. And by the way, with no plan,
with no, I don't remember having meals during the summer.
No. You did, yet somehow.
Like you would, you would basically only be in to eat or
get a drink and then you go strip.
And it was the quickest meal you've ever had in your life.
Did you ever run away? Yeah, I ran away.
So in our, when our whenever we
left, it was like different squares, like 3 squares.
There was a massive white rock at the bottom, like besides that
table at the bottom of the like road.
And I wasn't allowed past that point.
So when I ran away, I just went to there because I was like,
well, this is as far as this is the on the edge as I'm going to
be. I packed a bag and all.
Yeah, it was like 15. Minutes.
I planned the runaway twice and never went through.
I went sort of forgot to tell people it was doing it, so they
didn't know where it'd been. Yeah.
So I came back all dramatic, but no one knew was out of the I'd
been out of the house. Can I ask you as a question see
when you're having an argument with somebody, spice or
otherwise? Do you ever have when you were
when you were a? Kid partner.
When you were a kid, like did you say what's a spouse?
No, I got confused whether it's your partner or your parents.
Yeah. So we didn't.
That's worth, yeah. I don't get confused in other
ways about that. Yeah, I was going to say.
Am I married to my daughter? Even, and I would have
definitely had this as a kid. Did you ever think something
mental in the middle of it or just after you go?
I'm not talking to them for a year.
I remember that kind. When you go, I'm not younger,
I'm not. Why do I still have that
thought? Now where I go, I'm not.
So you'll you can have. You could have that during an
argument now. Yeah.
And will you not speak to them for a year?
No, I'm terrible. I, I, I can't.
I'm so bad at dealing with silent treatment that I can't
dish it out. Yeah.
Like I say, I actually can't. I can't they show.
It so if Chloe if you and Chloe had an argument and she just.
Why would you sell it though? And she and she just went and
then just give you this entry. You're dumb.
You can't hack that. Can't.
I can't hack it. I hate the sudden treatment.
Sean does it to me. Sean don't think that's more
successful situation than having an argument with me is just
pretending there's no argument being quiet, right.
And I and I like like let's let's have it out.
And he was like. It's it's.
That would crack me up. Just go on.
Nah. No, no, he just does not.
What's wrong? There is like, see if they
Guantanamoed me, right? And then we're going to fucking
interrogate me and they're like pulling my fingernails and
fucking doing the thing where they play Barney and then cradle
A filth or something. I'll be sitting there having a
fucking good time, right? See if they just leave me in
that room alone, I'll be beaten. I will be beating the walls to
tell them secrets like, you know what I mean?
Stuff they. Don't even want.
To know. Yeah, what's the way?
What's the way to torture? You, that is the way to break me
is silent treatment. Because what your thoughts
overtake? No, there's just a lack of
interaction. I think that's because you come
from such a big family. Probably is, yeah.
There's always something going on.
See I was a only child for a long time so I'm used to my and
I didn't have any mates so. I'm used to my own.
Company. Yeah, I absolutely love my own
company. I have a great time.
I get on with myself well, I'm fun.
I get on with myself well. Yeah.
I'm I'm you would write on a CV and then go I'm actually
something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like me more than I like most of the people I'm.
OK, you're The Apprentice contestant who goes out Week 2.
Yeah, or else you're the Big Brother person, because then
they're all I'm going to mess shit up.
I'm going to go in here and fight the one and they say fuck.
All I'll just tell people what I'm thinking that Eddie give
them yeah, no, I mean. I say it like it is.
They're the nicest person they get in.
Mines would be if someone washed my face and didn't moisturise it
afterwards I would peel my skin on.
Then you start to feel like. I die.
Yeah, I would. I would.
Do you have quite a dry face? No.
I believe I live in a world of dry skin so like but I hate the
feel of moisturiser it's disgusting.
Do you well? I could see you get, I could see
Chloe Lather in Europe. Can you?
Yeah. Have you got cameras now?
Yeah. No, the I tried it.
Do you know what you don't have with me this morning, Shar?
I had not none of my own shower gel.
I used like dark blue red ox right and.
What's your? What's your brand?
No, I used dark blue red ox.
I thought you said I had none of my.
Own. No, I had none of my own Dark
blue red ox, right? Like seabreeze or something?
Something like that, yeah. Semen rules, right?
Semen rules, Yeah, semen rules, right?
So I I have to use some of Chloe's like dove or whatever it
is OK or? No, it's not Dove.
It's Nivea. Don't ever touch Nivea.
Oh, here I smell. I smell like a wee fucking.
Also you enjoyed it? I smell like a wee bouquet flour
sitting on top of fresh lemons. What do you use?
I use, I'll use whatever. I don't have a brand, I'm not
tired anything. Whatever is in the house, I'll
kind of use it, yeah. But at the minute it's a L'Oreal
1. I am tired to red ox like.
I'll be honest, you know what? You know what got me into this
one that I bought and I, I don't normally buy it, but this one I
saw and I went, oh, it's all black, L'Oreal and it's carbon.
What's that got to do? Anything I don't know, but it
maybe want to buy it, Maybe want to buy it.
Yeah, I'm carboned up. I like do something, Freddy.
I think your whole, I think your whole, I think your whole Shar
routine takes a long time because I think you before and
after do a lot of setting. I could see you sitting.
Yeah. I don't think you just what?
No, not in the shower. When you have your shower, I
don't think you just like open the door, just get dried
straight away. That's good to go.
I can see you laying a toilet on your bed and just doing like a
little bit of decompression. I'll do that maybe once or twice
a week. Generally I'll do it maybe once
a week. No, yeah, whether I need it,
whether I need it or not. I've always said maybe on top of
the tall, but usually I I I hate to be wet.
I have a friend. So so I do get dry quite quick.
Do you want to like this? I like that.
I like to get the shower and then again the monks movie
vestments, socks. I like sitting.
It's the. Vest.
It's the vest Kills me. I just can't.
Why does that kill you, the owner?
Look at it, all it is is the second skin.
It is the vest. Now, how many of those do you
have? You wouldn't believe I might
actually send you a picture of the drawer.
You have a vest drawer? Yeah, So does it, Does it share
a place with your socks and legs?
I have a separate what nags I have, the characters I have, I
have CACS, I have a CAC store with a lot of those all the
same. And then I'll have my vast or
and then I'll have a sock drawer.
I've said this before on some recently.
I'm getting back in the white front, yeah.
I can't believe men wear boxers that let's things hang.
Like surely that's uncomfortable?
I like a slightly tighter boxer like but nothing to not too
tight but I'm going back. To I'm wearing these ones, we
were talking about this. I'm wearing these ones, they're
marks. They have extra legs in the leg.
They are the worst. No, these are great.
They just copy. But they're like, you know, if
you see men on TV shows and they've put them on those baggy
ones so it doesn't look like 2. Revealing.
Oh, no, sorry. No, they're not baggy.
These are like skin. I look like I look like I'm
wearing mama's cycling shorts. It looks like he's holding the
baby more hostage. Yeah, here, it's great.
It's great. I mean, seriously, can see see
those ones that are baggy, See if you do like because when when
you're younger and you're trying different things out, there's
baggy ones that are made of shirt material.
The worst? That's the worst they are with
buttons. Like oh, they are the worst.
They see see if you walk around and those for like even like an
hour, Yeah. It just it just feels like
someone has just got like, you know, a sports cap bottle and
just gone. Yeah.
On your They're a boner killer for a woman as well.
Yeah, see looking at them. Yeah, your ground, those monks.
And even as a guy, if you want to get one, you have to open
those buttons. Yeah, you want to walk?
Get a get a let it out out of the root door.
I nearly said a statement that will greatly offend you, but not
in the way you. I was going to say I hate
winter, but I don't mean your daughter.
I mean today was the first day where it started to get cold.
But a couple of days ago it was unreal.
I was like 20 so I got loaded into false sense security.
I hate the cold. I I hate it.
I hate having to wear actual layers at the I hate thinking
about what you're going to wear. I hate being cold in general.
I don't mind the winter but I I hate when it gets too warm as
well. But I want to be.
What's the best autumn? Nah, summer's the best I want to
be. Like all, my favourite.
Bruce Forsyth used to go to Spain and live here for when it
got cold. I'm aunted uncle do that he.
He was old for ages, that guy. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah. Like he was an old comp when he
was about 30. Yeah.
But he's been the whole time he's been famous.
He's been old I. Like what you're talking about.
Like, you're still alive there, by the way.
He's he's not alive, isn't. It the late Bruce, Yeah.
He's dead. Nice to see you, to see you
dead. I much prefer it when it gets
under the cold weather. That is harsh.
To be fair, I used to love the generation game.
Do you remember that? No vaguely.
I'm too young. I don't like people who go on
about how cool winter is. I just love a soup and a scarf.
It's better to not. Have to not require those
things, yes. See if you could be somewhere
where is there words sort of like autumn here all the time.
Calendar. No calendars Mental.
Norway, Switzerland. Same place.
Well, Foster. Norway is very snowy, isn't?
It and say that they are happened to also when it was
really really really wintry and really snowy.
I don't go in December, Sweden. 'S meant to be mental for.
Do you have any nice trips coming up anyone or are you
going to go on? Holiday.
I'm going away for a few days at the end of this month.
Not it's a wee bit further north on the camera over Christmas
though. Have any of usions been invited
to France in December? No.
What do you mean by like the government?
Yeah, by Britney Spears, that I've been.
Invited to like apartment. Oh, being serious, I was joking.
No, absolutely. I haven't accepted the trip yet,
but it's I got it, I got. The French government.
Sorry, sorry. Hold on.
For contributions to comedy. You have been invited.
We have not been invited. I got invited.
I'm going to see the president. To be for.
You want to see Macron? Why are?
You going to see Macron? I I haven't accepted yet.
I've just inquired. Can I bring my family?
Yeah, for a couple. Tell us more.
Tell us.
I don't have that much information.
So it was just like, it just came through like last week.
My agent was like, do you fancy going to France?
But who's who's run on this? The government here.
The French government, so they're bringing a few people
from all around the EU for contributions of comedy and just
like having a fun couple of days Christmas markets.
How come they're bringing you from here it?
Was a fucking red. It was a red.
No, but for the EU, you mean I wasn't meaning how come they're
bringing you the only I mean how come it brings how come they're
bringing somebody from I don't. Think they've differentiated
between the North and the South? Oh well, isn't that?
They've got themselves. You might be flying me at a
double. I've got an English passport,
yeah. Where?
Oh yeah, I'm a little bit sad, you know?
So I've got that maybe. Far there's not enough cost also
in France to fucking suit me like but I mean.
Because I was the, I was the, I was the go to guy for the
government from here for a while.
Where'd you go? What do you?
Mean I like the way you share that like like.
Like internal things. Daniel Craig, you know when the
governments go to Guy. The guy.
Because they want the me to like, go and do things.
They want the me to go and do things.
Well, it was, and it was a bit controversial was the when
Prince Harry and Prince. Oh, I remember you.
Did with him Sharp Charlie? I don't know.
Yeah. They they were here.
They were like here want, they want to meet people in the
performing community. I was 5050 and I was like, you
know what, maybe we'll get some stand up out of it.
And I did. But they must have dropped me.
What have I done? Did you not go?
Did you not meet them? I did.
I think my you're not involved in the anything.
I did do a bit of it was in the Empire with William.
William was in the Empire. Yep, Thompson, no, the the king
guy and he I was I was to introduce him and he was to do a
speech. I did like have a bit of they.
They were like stick to the. Script.
And I didn't. I think maybe that's what's
happened. But yeah, you've got dropped
from the government duties now. They've enlisted me.
I I slagged them a wee bit, kinda sort of.
What did you say? Well, I brought him on and he
did this speech and he sort of like mugged me a wee bit in the
speech. He's like, good to see what
Northern Ireland has to offer, blah, blah, blah.
And he said something about, you know, he was, you've all had a
laugh. And it was from Shane's comedy,
but the way he said it, people laughed.
And then I got back on the microphone, said something like
yell, He said about all the work they were doing.
It was like, it sounds like he's he's got a lot on.
It was like you, you may be too busy to do tourist report for
me. And I went and then I don't
think they. And then he got back on the
Megan with here. I heard your my head down drove
from a joke, yes. There'll be horses, men on
horses, waiting outside your house.
Here I'll tell you what. I'm watching Yellowstone, I
fucking love. That you know, it's surprising,
though. I would love.
That you know what? You know what's really
surprising to me? That the owner's been invited by
the French government. They come to France, yes, but
also. Also not a word of French.
Whatever OK it. Surprises me.
It surprises me that you know that the you know that I'm not
the British government's go to guy for stuff like up giving,
you know, my background in Marxist theory.
Yeah, also, I'm pretty sure this is the Irish government for.
I could see former address in Twinbrook.
If they were doing this event in North Korea, I think you'd be
the first. Guy, I think, I think if it was
like Korea or, you know, there's a resurgence of the right in
Germany, that might want me, you know.
I get to you being a wee pet for Kim Jong Un.
I could. I could.
Use could use, could be related. I would want to be known as
something though, like look like.
As I say, he does look about like.
Kim Jong, you know, like here, like.
Like a Belfast Kim Jong. Not necessarily.
Kim Jong Un I. Don't want to be like Karen the
Terrible, but I want there to be a nickname.
You know, like not not. Something here in the week,
Crafty cat. Yeah, like, yeah, or just just,
they just call me the cat, the tomcat.
Here in the Placid. Is not was Placid me?
Absolutely. Like, maybe it's like, maybe
it's like an ironic thing. Yeah.
They just call me the Placid. Yes.
That's because when you when you come in to beg for your life, I
just go no. Chloe brings you up, brings you
up to. Bring them up as I'm watching
Casino Royale and Bango. She brings in a family, a whole
family. Go please, I just go like like
that yellow colt out of fucking sin set.
Like you're the bedridden emperor.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just, I just, I get out of bed
just to get in the bath chair and go for a shit.
That's it. You're commode.
Yeah, Bath. Chair, you know, no, a bath
chair is like, you know, like a like a Wicker chair that you can
sit in the dry, but it has weasel.
Oh my God. You have one I would you.
Have one, I'll be honest, sorry, a love one like but like an old
one, an old bath chair from like a Victorian I've.
Just realised why they're Wicker.
Yeah, it's let's you dry. They are, they are gets out
there. Like if you sat in a fabric seat
you it would get wet. Oh yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the Wicker sheet may as well be outside.
It beads off, you know. I am, I get a bath twice a year
and I love that. Twice a year.
Roughly why? Love that I can't be bothered.
It's. It takes too long.
Yeah, it's far too long. The idea of a bath's great when
you're in it. You're those?
People used to just genuinely wash once a year before they get
married. They did back in the day.
Not like last year they didn't. Yes they did.
Do you know why people have flowers at a wedding?
Do you know this? So you don't stink.
To cover, discover the smell of your your your whole.
Stop being smelly Back years ago when people got married.
The reason to hold a bouquet of flowers is so people smell
flowers and not your shitty pets.
Why did they wash once here? Because she just said it takes
too much time. Imagine, imagine no.
Imagine how rare. Imagine how rare it is but.
That's that's that's go like 1700s.
Imagine how rare it is though. When, why?
Why if you throw the bouquet and your pet smell?
Sorry you're here. You smell what?
Excuse me? People.
Because it wasn't that. Pooze me.
Connor people probably did watch less than those days.
Genuinely, yes. But why once a year?
Because they. Probably.
Did you? Ever see the ones in the in the
white wigs? They didn't wash themselves
properly. They stank.
Those wigs stank and all. And people wear the same clothes
all day, all night, and slept. Here's what.
They did a deep wash once a year, I'll give you that.
Take your car. Yeah.
Right. Yeah, they went to the Romanians
once a year, Yes, but they must have done other we top up wash.
Hygiene wasn't important so they did that wash once a year as
like a we trait. Did you ever would say we carry
in your life? You were being a stinking
bastard. Maybe when you were a student
you had a few rough nights out. Yeah, your body eventually self
cleans. Yeah, you can stop washing your
hair. Your hair cleans itself.
What do you mean? I mean it does clean itself.
You will. You will still smell like a
chippy van like, but I mean, you can.
Do it. My Uncle Becky didn't wash your
hair. Remember how it looked
brilliant? Yeah.
Remember the song that goes I've had the same jeans on for four
days now? Yeah, yeah.
Try 4 weeks left. We're not supposed to wash.
It are you know they self clean. I know, but it's hard not to
when they're covered in shades. Why are they coming?
Oh yeah. But like Jimmy, you need to wash
your jeans. But I have a friend who would
wash your jeans but they don't. Know something about me?
I don't have jeans anymore. I don't even have jeans.
Jeans don't have two stripes. I, I, I don't wear jeans.
I have these and I have chinos and that's it.
I've never seen you wear chinos. It's a formal event.
Still I would not. Invited that and I would die if
you. Recommend to meet the French
government, would you be? So cute.
This is why Macron hasn't called me.
He went will you suit up first and I went I he does and he goes
Nah, but. He'd be wearing chinos and then
it's still his wee vest. Can I tell you something?
I bought a pair of chinos that
are getting delivered to my house today.
I'm trying something new, right? I don't know if I'm going to
wear that at the house. OK, talking to it.
Talking to it. They're wine coloured.
Were you planning on wearing them too?
I don't know. I might start doing kids
parties. I don't know.
Wine coloured chinos. What are you pairing it with on
top? I don't know, a vest, some
black. For shows maybe?
No. See if I for dinners, see if I,
if I, if you said to me, and we've talked about this before,
if you were like picking clothes for people, I have, I know
exactly, exactly what I put you in.
It would be, but it goes with your truck now.
Or what do you put me in? I put you in like slightly wide
fitting jeans, right? Maybe like Wrangler or something
like a pair of Wrangler jeans, dark dark jeans, right?
I put you in a plain white T-shirt and then like a Decky's
jacket, you know, like. So basically, you might ask me
like Donald Goodman in Roseanne. Yeah, yeah.
Sorry. John Goodman.
And a pair of Timberland.
Timberland boots. Yeah, Timberland boots.
Basically, I would put a beanie on your head.
Jesus, I'll be honest with you, you just aren't really God
willing me here. Like you know what I mean?
You're not whiling me over, you know what I mean?
Oh, here you ever forgot them? Let's let's get woman and make
them feel absolutely shit about themselves, their shit lives,
and then go here, fucking stick a dress on and you'll be happy.
That's no. Shit.
No, no, take woman, you're having a shit time in their
lives and make them think that they just stick a dress on that
they're like a much better. Show they weren't.
People applied for them. That's also the last day and it
was like, you've been nominated because we think you look like
shit. Like I said, I liked I liked
dogs positivity, right? You like Doc What?
Yeah, I love God. The thing like the thing, the
thing that I, the ones that I didn't like was training and
Susanna. Never.
They were I. Like one more than the other,
I'll tell you that. I don't know which one it was,
but the one who looked like a little bird.
Tranny. Like a tall bird tranny.
I liked her more. Yeah.
The other one just looked like she would be like.
Sad. The other one looked like she'd
be your like your school principal, your school's
secretary or something. Yeah.
Very stern. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. You'd get Cynthia if you were in
Ballard. She'd be a school secretary who
gets on like she is the principal.
Yeah, I like she'd be able. Houses she'd be a manager in
Boots who thinks she's a pharmacist yeah that's.
That's really good. We're getting into it now.
Oh yeah. See Emmons.
Yeah, me and my dad were really into the the gay house guys.
Oh yeah, there's two Colin and Justin.
Colin. Colin and Justin, Million Point
House. Oh, it worked their way up to
1,000,000 Point House, and they used that.
We carry arguments during it. Yeah, My God.
The other day Sean and I went away for a couple days with the
kids, right? And we where so it was like
Jamara I think, but it was like out in the middle of nowhere.
It felt like I was in Donegal. It was beautiful wee place,
right? We mountains all around.
There, Oh my God, there was. We're on a working farm, so
there was Coys in the windows and all like shape.
So the kids loved it, but we were driving through the hills
and we saw this like unbelievable, like cool.
Almost like a unit build house that was like all black steel in
the outside all like full length windows looked so so cool.
Like a. Like a grand design, Like a
storage. Like a big.
It looked like a unit, like a containers, but it was like
class, like a grand design house.
And as we pulled under where we were staying, the owners were
staying on the land as well in their own house.
And we were all so at post. So we can see at the top of the
hell that was class. And they went, oh, we know.
It's like a jazz singer that we know.
We know who who we sold them that land.
That's a jazz singer. Yeah, aye.
That's not important. But she was like she's like,
we'll we'll like tell them you like the house.
I was like, OK. Then she knocked on our door
five months later and she's like, do you want to go up?
What do you mean? Do you want to go and have a
Dick around their house? And I was like, that's so weird.
And then she was like, no, like, they're lovely.
They'll invite you in and you can.
We just drove up with our two kids and their jammies.
They're about to go to bed. I was also so rare.
John was all over fucking go and have a Dick around their house.
Zoomed up, knocked the door and for about 45 minutes were shown
around these two random people. They were in the middle of
having their dinner with their kids and they just left their
dinner and got up and gave us a tour of their entire house.
Unbelievable gorgeous. And who was the singer, him or
her? She was.
And did you hear a singer or anything?
I then followed her online and then how do we took it a second
your father. Is it?
I know it is. I just realised as well you're
yeah, unbelievable. And like their houses, like
Jewel is, it's a class mix of brand new, modern stuff with
really old shit, like a grandfather clock, billion years
old. We're like a story.
And it's just folly what you said about.
It's but it was unbelievable. Yeah.
And like on their land is like this old rundown old like we
building as well. It's.
I thought you'd do something like that, you know, like.
AI definitely will. Project House eventually here.
I, I believe I already know what, what we're going to do.
So there's this Canadian company that does like they're like
wooden houses. They're unbelievable.
Now you can rent, they have, they have a couple of these up
the coast and you can rent them for like.
So you go and see what it's. Like I know.
What you're talking about, it's called a Canadian log house, but
like, it's not. Can Shawn be vammies?
It's not, it's not like, why does he like that?
Imagine we just imagine. Imagine we.
Just built wood. Imagine we just built Port
Shawn's quarters in our house. He has like a wee granny flat.
Imagine how that would be. He just wants.
To be surrounded by wood, Unbelievable.
He wants to live. So do you want this to be up to
the North Coast? No.
No, you just. Want to go and see what they're?
Like and clean. These they can clean them and
move them. So So what what this company
specialises in is they basically design it and they can do it
with you or you can pick a pre design one, right?
But like they design it and they cut all the wood and everything
that's needed for it and they ship that anywhere.
And then they have contractors all over the world, piece of
deal, who build it for you. So I mean here.
Where do you want to put it? It's mega.
Don't like? Kenmer, OR.
If if you could go Kenmerish with it.
That's where we wonder we. Pull out the.
Wee or you'd need a wee bit. Need a wee bit and you?
Need and do you would you farm the land or anything?
Do you know about my allotment plantation?
See, during the pandemic, I, I became quite keen on getting an
allotment and I still AM. But Kevin, Chloe slagged the
count out of me and described me as allotment man or or as I
would say, allotment man, right? And it knocked the wind out of
my sales. And and then Chloe knew it
knocked the wind out of my sales and she bought me a book about
it which I've read and one of my mates sent me a wee book about
it. What's in your allotment?
I don't have one, Oh no. But like oh so I haven't done
any. No, He.
I. Grew I grew some herbs, okay,
like actual herbs, like aromats, not fucking not fucking
marijuana, like so yeah, like, you know.
What I never understand those like.
That onions, sorry. But this thing takes so much
time and effort. No, he gets like 2 strawberries.
Yeah, that's that's if you're just doing a small entry level
and you don't have an emperor and an allotment, you would be
doing a wee bit more. Listen to the guy who doesn't
have an allotment. You would you would be surprised
how fucking hard it is to get one right because so so the
place where I really wanted. One of the people who are dying
all the time, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Well, they just but, but the people who give them out, I
don't think they want to give it to somebody in their 30s.
No. Why can't your garden be your
allotment? Because.
It's not big enough. You need a bit.
We didn't have a garden. You could probably do something
in our garden now, but we've only just moved in and.
Bigger than allotment do you want?
Big no, Well, like I mean, no, not not huge, but like it would
be bigger than like we didn't have a garden.
We were size of this room until half a size this room.
No, we've a bigger, probably it's a wee bit bigger and then
you can do multiple things on it.
You know what? I mean, so do I love the idea of
growing all your veg that you eat for your Christmas dinner?
Yeah. Well, I, I did US onions and,
but, but then because of where I was, I was growing them just in
like sort of pots. So they were quite small.
But like did did you know that a spring onion is like it becomes
an onion? I didn't know that.
If you leave it longer, yeah, it's the way a grape becomes a
Raisin. That type of a thing, yeah,
where like it grows and becomes an onion, but like the shoot of
of an original onion is like a scallion, which I didn't know
until I was making them. So we had scallions for days,
like, I mean for weeks. In fact, all the champ you can
eat with potatoes that you have to buy somewhere else because I
couldn't roll them. What?
Do you What do you mean grape is a Raisin?
No, a Raisin. A Raisin is a dried grape in the
same way that a prune is a dried.
Afternoon situation. How do you not know grapes are
raisins? Because they don't taste.
Like it? No real grape Grape.
Raisin taste like liquor. Raisins or grapes?
That's the same thing. It's not, it's not I back to
front a. Raisin is a baby.
Grip. You can't.
You can't get a Raisin to make it into a grip.
Oh, I that's true. You can't pump the just back and
dip. Yeah, well, you can suck it out.
You heard it here first. You dry out a grape?
No, you dry out a grape. Yeah, you A Raisin is a dried
grip. So if I leave all the grapes in
my fridge, they'll be raisins. No, because they'll just be
rotten. You need to like do your
property and your allotment. Prunes or plums?
Watsids or carrots? Prunes are stinking, aren't in.
Hell stinking but. They do, you know, Peppers are
all. Stinking, but they help you
shout. I have, that's what it's the
colours. Like I would say on the bottom
of prunes. Like Peppers aren't just born
like that colour, it's just a different stage of.
Oh, really? Yeah.
When you Peck them. I like that we just described
the Peppers as being born, by the way.
Yeah, no, we both said born. Yeah, so taught me through
sorry. So you want this big allotment.
So if you want to have your log home and then a big allotment,
Bill said. You've got.
In the in the in the log home. It won't be an allotment.
That'll just be it'll be what I would describe Shane as a
kitchen garden. Yeah, it'll be like back as we
mushroom pad, you know? Where you can where you can cook
your shit outside. I'm not watching that Beckham
series. That's good, I've watched the
first episode. You remembered, although the you
will remember, Yeah, the only bets that I wanted them to
really go into detail. And was Rebecca?
And and that didn't mention it. Well, the man Beckham loose,
Yeah. That we want you want to hear
all that scandal? Fuck them.
They say nothing, Yeah I but targeting yeah I.
Think the assumption that time was yeah.
He must have. It was assumption because he's
always denied it. Interesting.
You just said you you did I being a Nazi sympathization.
Yeah, I know. But then I sent people to their
deaths. Kieran, you have big SSE shoes
coming up this week. This week, the actual week that
you're watching this in. Is it?
Yeah, November. You're at November 10th.
November 10th and then November 24th, yeah.
Now what are you planning anything for?
Like talk me through the evening of the show was really, are you
bringing in anything? Are you, you know, like a
catering thing, a drinks thing? Well, interestingly, Pizza works
are going to cater the backstage.
Excellent. What do you know where?
Gluten free? Dairy free.
I don't know what to worry. Karen won't do gluten free
pizzas for anybody. I don't do that.
Don asked for one last week and I just said that the thing that
makes it a pizza is the gluten. But you.
Don't ask them to do 1. You don't have to eat it.
That's like, that's like telling me.
Yeah, sense sense that we're bantering here.
Well, give him. A fucking pizza.
I I don't know what to worry it. What if you're we?
Wine trousers are a winner. Wine trousers.
Wine blazer. Stop it.
He's you're hosting a game. Show I know yeah no shirt I look
like a grape and then drive me out I'll be erasing yeah all the
pump the juice back in the way you know what I mean I don't
know yeah so I might see what I want to be I like to be
comfortable and I'm getting so it probably will be some form of
stripes you know so I have to go down to I'm going to take a week
trip down to Sports Direct and see see what they do they tend
to just do your. To see what they do.
They they tend do. What do sports directly?
In the Adidas in the Adidas, but they tend to just do the greys
and the blacks and the navies. If you want something special,
you usually. You got to go online.
You're going to make some poor bugger be your wee personal
shopper in Sports Direct, treating it like it isn't the
Sports Direct. See when we were.
You sitting on like the landing of the state.
Yeah, with a with a 45 LB budget.
Fetch me a fabric. You've got an assortment of
fabrics. See when we go.
Through Schlesinger and Lonsdale man.
Yes, yes, When we were in John Lewis over in Amber to see where
we're in, we're in getting some, some peddlins.
And when we were in there, there's personal shopping in
there, mate. And I was like, I know in here
it doesn't cater for the big men, but I would, I would love
to. I think I would love the avail
of such a service at 1:00. Point lot it's not that I've
ever been interested in until recently because after two kids
have a completely different partnership than before now I
didn't want to dress. So like I would love to go in
somewhere for someone to go. This is what you need to wear to
get your. I'll do what you did.
I want to dress people. Do he?
You could be. You could be like.
I know what works for people. You could be like the new.
Guy all shapes and sizes. All shapes and sizes, all
creatures great and small. He doesn't choose, he dictates.
Yeah, your clothes have been left out on the bed.
See that you wear them. That's fucking mental.
I Yeah, I think that person shopping will be good, but I bet
all Mate and John Lewis it's about to be there.
For, for, even for the because you forget not only you have to
pay for the clothes, but you have to pay for the personal
shopper. Yeah, see if you do personal
shopping in Victoria Square, and they have.
Yeah, Rebecca McKinney used to do that.
That's what she started out. She was a resident personal.
Shopper, is it like your own stylist?
Yes, right, OK. As opposed to you go on with a
list and then. You know, stuff you go in and
you talk to somebody. These are the sort of things I
like to wear. And then they'll go, well,
that's great. They'll go and shop with you and
show you things that they know would suit your body type and
like what events you have coming up.
And then they'll go into your private area.
Sometimes maybe we glass the bubbles and then you try on some
outfits. I reckon if I went in and they
were doing it by body type, there's gonna be problems.
Why? We'll spend a lot of time in the
linen section. I think there'll be, I think
there'll be people, custom stuff that suits your body type here.
And it's just a subway on a plate.
Yeah, you can't wear that. You can wear it, but don't.
Yeah, just eat it. Our lovely subway.
You can get one and I might get one.
Isn't it great when you raise, you're an adult and you can get
this? Some days I'd be like, I can do
what I want, yeah. You can.
You can get stuff like I'm. Going to buy some sweets.
And. Harry Bose, Yeah.
So as I say, there might be some tickets.
There's that, there will be tickets.
There are tickets. Get some tickets for.
We'll put it in the description of this episode.
So sorry, we're going to have pizza works backstage.
Yeah, fuck all. Like, don't worry.
About something easier then we're we're going to do, we're
going to we're going to do something or something for
people. I'll be trying to do something.
It's very difficult. For audience or backstage.
For audience, Are you cooking or something?
No, no, Jesus, I. One middle age.
For I was going to say for fucking.
I was about to say 3000 for 2000 and some people.
All you're doing some for the audience.
Yeah, I'm going to try and do something for the audience and
then I know what it is. And then I don't think you do
know all of this hand jobs and just two talks.
I was just everyone gets a pump. I tried so hard during the handy
to allow to get glow sex for all of the audiences and none of the
theatres would let us. See See Health and Safety.
Well not health and safety that the if it they would ruin the
seats. So at SSE they said we couldn't
do that and then everyone just got so caught up at the moment
and I can't remember whether it was Butler or someone who's just
found the people, yeah. Oh, really?
Yeah. Well, as the Handy shows have
been progressing, people have been arriving with their own go
sex. So the lights go down and then
you just look at the audience and there's maybe like 40 to 50
people who've brought their own go.
Sex. When does it end?
This Saturday, and it's gone long before this because I such
an. Overdone tend.
To say, yeah, it was a great time it.
Was good. Yeah, I'm also going to try.
There is going to be something special at the end of the show,
but I can't talk. Is it that thing you've told me
about? I.
Think so. You need to start really
planning that. I need, I need to really do
that. Yeah, I've been doing stuff
because you can't wing that well, can't wing it.
Can you tell me after? Yeah, hum them.
Well, yeah. Karen's doing PC because we can
probably say it now. He's doing a reenactment of
Hitler's speech in the IN. The hall and down Hall and
downfall. The pooch, yeah.
Approach Do you have a stand up tour?
Your first stand up tour. First stand up tour.
And you've upgraded your Belfast venue to Mandela Hall.
Yeah. That's fun.
Yeah. And got MILF, it's called On
Sale 9. Yeah.
Thank you. Good name, good poster.
Thank you, I know I the show been flying out.
We don't know. It's not right yet.
Umm, yeah, it's, it's been selling really well.
I was actually really worried about doing my first one
because, you know, you're like, but it's been selling really,
really well, which is exciting. Some members sold out, some new
shows have been. Out whereabouts you go so.
Bang what? I was going to say, what's your,
what's your Birmingham? If you were me, what's the one
we were going on, though? We've made a mistake.
How do we made a mistake? What one are we looking at
going? Well, I'll tell you what wasn't
originally on the tour. I did a gig in your a few weeks
ago and the guys there, like a couple of people had said to me
a week like they Mccurry and he was all to me.
Oh, like those people here haven't been to common before.
They just came to see you tonight, like and they think
you're on tour here, but you're not.
And I said, oh, I'm a Belkin and you're a date added and that's
got messages from people afterwards going why you're not
coming to Newry Added Newry three weeks inner 7 tickets
sold. So there we go.
And it holds I. 160. Oh.
No, it's not in the bank. We didn't use dirty but I was
like guys why you act like Nuri needs a date and then only 7
tickets of? So you should have done.
Please buy tickets in your. An early and late in case.
Yeah, there's people, there's stuff.
Very that we face. They're still on your right.
Maybe I should slap over to Mccurry's.
And I can't do that now, can I? It's cheating.
Seven big women. I know you.
Probably could do. It yeah, it is like 8 months
away, yeah. It's like 6 months I had my my
gig that was like I last year was Newcastle, where I where I
believed it was OK, I'd ask for in Newcastle, cut it down.
Can I be honest? And it was upon time.
My LA one. 2:30 on a Sunday afternoon.
My LA one I messaged the promoter to say I because it was
0 tickets sold. I was like the rather problem
with the ticket report or the link and they replied to say no.
Both are working. Guys thank you very much for
coming on, appreciate it. Go see the live shows.
See you later. Thanks for having us.
Bye.