Prime big Deal days is coming October 8th and 9th, which can
lead to involuntary deal squeals like the infamous deal on a new
massager squeal. Save big on prime big deal days
October 8th and 9th. Oh, it's back to the gentlemen.
Please welcome your host for the Shane Todd cast.
It is Shane Todd. Yes, he didn't do a podcast last
week and he didn't do a regular episode of the Shane Todd cast
because he has water from Hall show and was very, very nervous
for that and just pacing around his house at the time, just
being nervous and feeling a little bit sick, but he's back.
Please, gentlemen, please welcome to the podcast Shane
Todd. Whoa, Thank you very much for
that intro. Every hospital radio DJ.
Yeah, folks are back. OK, We're back.
We're here to we're we're not here to take part.
We're here to take over. OK.
And I just want to say, you know, I'm sorry for not doing a
podcast last week. But look, things came up and I
had to focus on my goal of doing a good show at the Waterfront
Hall in Belfast. And we're going to talk about
that and we're going to do the TripAdvisor game and we're going
to talk about a couple of news stories.
They've caught me and we're going to do listeners questions.
I'm going to talk about some shows and in America.
OK, but before I do all that, let me just plug a couple of
shows tomorrow night. Well, it's actually tonight,
it's Wednesday. This podcast.
Do you like my podcast here at your mom does a podcast?
Do you do a podcast or? Yeah, I meant to say podcast to
this podcast comes out on a Wednesday, OK.
And on Wednesday the 2nd of October, I am adding an intimate
tour show, OK. And what that means is here we
go, mate. What does intimate mean?
It means it's going to be very, very sexy, OK?
It means I'm going to do the whole show.
Just an hour of that, right? Funny thing happened to me last
week is that, what do you call that thing, ADRVAR?
You know when people do that weird restaurant thing and
people like it, I don't know, I don't, I don't know this.
But look, here's the thing. I'm doing that and there is
without exaggeration about 5 tickets left for that.
So if you want to come down, I don't know if you'll be able to
get them beforehand, but you can check the Limelight Belfast
website. And it's, it's in turn, it's me.
It's a Turrent career show. It's the Turrent career show and
what that translates from Fucking idiot.
As in the English is current tour show.
OK, I'm mad. I'm mad at myself.
Here. I'm doing the current tour show,
The Tall Father. It'll be my last Belfast show
because obviously we did. I say wait, I did the one and
this is just a we added show because I want to do it in a
nice small intimate sexual venue too.
It's not sexual. You shouldn't call the line not
sexual. Maybe it is, it is some people
you know and I'm doing it now we're getting a film because
I've filmed about 10 tour shows this year and it's just going to
be a nice time, OK, It's going to be a really, really nice
time. William Thompson to doing sport
for me so take it for all my shows pretty much are on
shine.net. I'm in Coleraine Riverside
Theatre on Friday night. Last year the Riverside show in
Coleraine was one of the best ones of the tour.
I'm excited for this one on Saturday.
I'm going to, Oh my God, I can't believe it.
There's still some tickets left for Daily's Comedy Club on
Saturday. You know, because Daily's Comedy
Club very, what would you say, small but perfectly formed
venue, let's just call it that. And that is Chrissy, who runs
it, text me this morning and said, man, it's pretty much sold
out. What he means by that is there's
some tickets left. So if you want to get those,
it's unshined on that as well. Belfast, Wednesday, cold and
Friday on Saturday and then I'm doing Enniskillen later in the
month. I want to say it's like the 19th
or something, but the tickets are in shine.net for the Ardoin
Theatre in Enniskillen. The man Colin Geddis played
there last week or the week before and he said he had a
great time and it's a really cool theatre.
So I'm looking forward to that. The last thing I want to plug is
at the end of this month on the, I think it's the 20th.
Let me just double check, OK? Let me just.
Is that OK? Is that OK with you?
Am I allowed to check? My head's wired today?
Yeah. I'm doing a show with the
Vodafone Comedy Carnival in Galway and it is on Saturday the
26th of October in the Mick Lally Theatre in Galway.
Now, I don't know who Mick Lally is, but I want to find out right
now. But if you want to come and see
that, you get your tickets, come down to Galway for the weekend.
Come and see my show. OK, I know I'm not asking much,
but I'm just saying this. If you were going to come and
see a tour show, but you were like, oh, I wasn't able to
because I had the mumps or you had shingles or you know what I
mean? You're getting a nose transplant
or something. You can just come down to Galway
end of October. You can have a bit of a piss up
but don't get drunk performance show because you'll have a nice
time if you don't, OK. And you can get drunk after
Saturday 26th of October, Galway.
You can get your tickets on the Vodafone Comedy Carnival Galway
website. Just type in Galway, she and
Todd and you'll find it. OK, I'll back you to find it.
Mick Lally was an Irish stage actor, all right.
He had the theatre named after him.
He died in 2010 at the age of 64, and according to Wikipedia,
he was best known for his role as Miley in the television soap
Glenn Rule. OK, so shout out to my man Mick
Lally. Thanks for letting me come.
Players Theatre, dude, I've been played that room before.
It's actually really cool. So I'm going down.
Get us. It's going down.
Bartlett's going down. Maca Leaders going down.
Curry is going down. OK, Northern Ireland comedians
staging some sort of non political invasion in Galway.
So you can come down and see that.
So basically what I'm saying is at the end of October, get your
mates together, get in your car and drive down the goal and come
check out my show. Because that's one of those ones
that I don't know how many I'd sell in Galway.
Might be 3, might be 100, who knows?
A little bit like Dundalk. You know, you'll see that on my
Instagram story if you're, if you do do the Instagram, I had
to put my shoe in Dundalk a couple of weeks ago because sold
their tickets. And that's fine.
You know, it's absolutely fine. You can't just expect to go
left, right, centre selling out shoes.
But I just thought it's a big, big venue.
It holds like 180. And I just thought if I had like
8 people or 10 people or 12 people in it, you know, one
might not be able to get the atmosphere going.
And don't get it wrong, I've played the less people, but I
just felt like I would be letting those people down.
So anyone who who had a ticket for that was offered obviously a
refund and then a free ticket to the newer E show.
And you know what? You know what the newer E show I
did on the bank, I got to say last year, and I don't think it
was one of the better shows on the tour for whatever reason.
Maybe I just wasn't firing on all cylinders for for some
reason. But this year that newer E show
was great last Friday. So thanks to everyone who who
came to that. So they're the gigs that I got
to plug. I'll talk about the American
stuff later on the podcast because they don't just want to
keep keep plugging things. So I guess the big the big thing
I've been doing was the waterfront hall.
You know, my tour kind of builds up to that.
It's it's the big show, if you want to, if you want to call it
that. By far the biggest capacity show
that I've ever done. I've done the Ulster Hall
before, you know, so that I have 5 * 3 years.
But who's gotten? Definitely me.
But I moved up venue size this year and played the Waterfront
Hall and my nerves were actually OK because I had so much leading
up to it. So many shows in the run up to
it. I purposely put loads of shows
on that week and I tried to leave myself as little time to
get nervous as possible. And I still was obviously really
nervous. But it it was all as well,
right? Because the odd thing about it
was I didn't take it in until Sunday there until like the
afternoon after the show and I was lying on my sofa watching
much of the day rerun going, Oh my God, that was the best night
ever. You know, at the time I came off
stage and I was just very, very quiet.
You know, the, the, the occasion really gave me so much like
adrenaline that as soon as it was done, I was like, oh, I was
like a wee robot who had water poured over him.
You know, I was just, you know, all, all my, we dashboard, all
my circuits have been working overtime.
And then I got off stage and I was.
Like oh error. And I just had a can of cider at
the side of the stage and really reflected and I was so and still
am so bowled over by the love in the room.
And that might be a very cheesy thing to say.
And if anybody else said that, I would just roast them for about
6 weeks for it. I was bowled over by the love in
the room fuck up but. I really was, I really was.
What I'm going to do is I've filmed, as I was saying, like 10
gigs of the tour. So I'm probably going to just
cut them all up, put them out as like a full thing, maybe put
some clips out as well. And I kind of don't want to ruin
the end then for you. I know some people have seen it
and will have heard about it, but me and Connor Keys who was
one of my amazing support acts in the night, as well as William
Thompson who both of them just absolutely demolished it.
Me and Conor finished the set with this.
I sort of came back and did an encore but it was like a song as
well and it was such a surreal moment.
You know that they hear 2000 people just into it and with me
it, it will stay with me for a long time.
And weirdly feeling a bit emotional about it as I talk
about it. Very weird, very weird.
And but I'm not going to get emotional because, you know, one
of the builders might knock my door to ask something, you know,
can I use your, you know, hose or something?
And then I'll be yeah, mate, go ahead.
You know, I just want to say thanks to everyone who came to
the show and everyone who helped me with it in terms of putting
on the show. You know, it was, it was, it was
the best night of my career. And yeah, it was, it was
amazing. You know, part of part of what I
do with my stand up is bratty, you know, shut up.
You know, that's kind of, that's a little bit of my vibe
sometimes. But obviously it is just a just
a bit of fun. But really underneath it all, I
am a brat who appreciates, you know, people showing the love.
And it was so great. It was so, so great.
Got it recorded. I want to say, you know, I
looked very, very sexy. You know, people, some people
comment that some of those said, hey, man, just want to say, you
know, because I wore like a black shirt.
I got this black shirt showed out to a man, Charles and the
Hugo Boston in Belfast, who, you know, didn't give me a discount,
but, you know, talked me through the fit of shirt that I should
wear. And he and I sort of
collaborated and came up with this really sexy black shirt and
I wore sort of a black outfit. And yes, I did look like the bad
boy of the local snooker scene, but I also look like just a sexy
big boy. And then and it was it was, it
was great. So don't talk about it too much
because it's self aggrandizing or whatever.
But but this tour, right. And I think if you've, if you've
come down, he's showing the tour, you'll absolutely know him
being sincere. This tour has blown me away in
terms of just having fun and getting the, you know, chat to
as many people as possible afterwards and people's nice
comments. And look, there's going to be
shows where I go, you know, I can, I can do better than that.
If, if, if you want to get specific because I'm talking
about good shows. We'll talk about a show where I
didn't think I was firing on all cylinders and that was our MA.
So the, our MA show last year was brilliant crack.
This year I just didn't get it right, you know, So it's not
like you do a tour and every show is amazing.
I'll be honest, most have been but but definitely that show
this year thinking I'm capable of being a lot better than that.
So next year I'm going to come back in a on a on a motorcycle
of jokes. OK, I'm just going to ride in
and do a big wheelie of laughs and I don't know what any of
that means, but I just mean I'll be back next year.
OK. So yeah, thanks.
Thanks to everybody. And we're still got still got
tour shows, you know, as well as the waterfront being the big
show, if you want to call it that.
And I really may not want to say like actually every show, like I
don't get as nervous OK as that one, but but I want every show
to be the best show. So Corey and Omar Enniskillen go
away Belfast. Let's let's just keep having fun
and keep and keep it going. So one thing I want to do at
this point to the podcast, one thing, the people, the the three
people that have said, man, where, where's your podcast on
to? It's still going right?
But somebody will say, man, you need to bring back TripAdvisor.
OK, If you, if you're a new time listener, my podcast, you'll
know that sometimes I do this TripAdvisor thing where I have a
look at the reviews left of somewhere that I've been
recently. So it might be a hotel, it might
be a restaurant, it might be it might be a massage place.
OK. And don't be going.
What were you doing? A massage place?
I got a massage there, my show from my friend Josh.
OK. And it was great.
I know he doesn't do any extras, all right, because I asked them.
So I went to probably one of the if I was really pushed.
One of the best shows on the tour this year has been The
Breed in Ballymena and that's two years in a row now.
Sometimes I play Ballymena in the past and you come away
thinking I don't think humour of today really works that well
there. So I play the comedy different
comedy clubs in Ballymena and sometimes you just think that
you know more traditional stand up goes down better, you know
more old school themes. But I gotta say the last two
shoot 2 years, the shows in the Brave Theatre have been to the
stand out shows and shout out to the people that came to those.
So because we were filming like 10 tour shows, the base of the
whole thing will be Waterfront and probably Ballymena and then
we'll be clubs from all the rest So yeah.
So whenever I was leaving the Ballymena show, I went up on my
friend Aaron Butler and who normally does this podcast with
me and will be seen again. I hope so.
One thing we love when we go to Ballymena is the fact that
Ballymena, I don't know if you know this right, but Ballymena
has a sit in Domino's. Now the people listen to that
going. Yeah, right, mate.
OK, pull the other one. Put my other ball.
OK, It's true. Ballymena has a sit in Domino's.
I don't know why more people don't know about it.
I don't know why Ballymena was chosen.
I'm not sliding Ballymena. Just mean, like you would think
Belfast would have something like that.
Oh, no, Ballymena Or like, suck my crust.
You know, they've got to sit in Domino's.
I can't tell you how happy that makes me.
So I had a great time there. We went there after the show.
Some people from the show were there because it's just across
the road. And that's always weird because
I like to hang about after and speak to as many people as
possible. And you want to do a photo with
the photo, you want to do a high 5, do a high five.
You want to try and give me a hug?
Probably won't do it, but you know, I think I've done 4 hugs,
sister, one girl, three guys, not all ones, but it's just kind
of just maybe a 10 bit weird, you know, because, because
sometimes I'm weird around people that I.
Don't know that well. But there you go.
But it's fine. So I've got I've got some
reviews of the Ballymena Domino's here.
And first of all, I want to say the staff they're saying because
the money told walked in after a show.
He was feeling good. He went up to the country,
ordered his pizzas. I say pizzas was Aaron was
getting one as well. I'm not a fat bastard, right?
And the guy behind the counter said money told he didn't say
that he's a Commission. They said, Shane, your money's
no good here. And I said thank you very much.
So I had a phenomenal experience there.
But I'm going to have a look at some people who have said
different things just to just to see what's out there.
OK? Because I just like people
leaving reviews. This this feature isn't about,
you know, slagging off anywhere. It's about seeing what lunatics
leave reviews. So there's about 20.
Yeah, there's exactly 20 reviews on TripAdvisor, which isn't that
many. So let's look at the excellent
first. So I can't even read that name.
Someone's given it five stars and just said fantastic at the
start, which I would echo. And the person said came across
this place on Dirty Bastard while on holiday in Northern
Ireland. I love that.
What are you doing? Giant's Causeway.
You're going to see the Dark Hedges.
You're going to see the Titanic. Nowhere.
Drive around. Look for sitting Domino's
ballerina love Domino's Pizza and this is the first time I've
come across a set in restaurant. Oh dirty bastard new character
and then anyone says anything lean in.
Oh dirty bastard person said pizza was perfect.
I loved it. Excellent.
So a lot of people are behind that and this person has left a
lot of reviews before so they know what they're talking about.
We've got some very good reviews as well.
Someone just wrote, someone just wrote a double.
Kathy wrote double this one carry out with son.
Now I presume she means carry out pizza she got with her son
and not she went into Domino's to have a carry out of booze
with her son. She says after late night
outing, pizza is the way to go. Alright Kathy, that's a bit
vague. That's not reviewing the
restaurant. OK.
Excellent sized pizza, reasonable price, very tasty and
beautiful. Always great, especially late at
night. Alright Kathy, Sabrina writes.
Kids enjoy these pizzas as the headline.
Now that's what you say whenever you're ordering them.
Kids, you'd better enjoy these pizzas, OK?
Because I'm paying for them, OK, she says.
I got pizzas from here on a few occasions and as a family trader
I've always enjoyed them. Very expensive though.
No way would I pay 1699 for one pizza.
I only get it when it's 2 for Tuesday or a similar offer.
Alright, No one's fortune Sabrina.
No one's fortune you to do it. You know what I mean?
Like a gunman isn't showing up in your doorstep.
Being like here, you better do exactly as I say.
What do you want? The money's upstairs.
It's a little mattress. No, get the family rounded up.
You're going for Domino's, she says.
I see. It's not a sit in place as well,
but more somewhere you could sit in with young kids than sit and
relax with older friends. Now you can sit with pensioners
and Domino's as well. OK, let's not.
And that's my new Netflix series.
You know, you've got comedians in cars getting comedians in
cars getting coffee. I've got going to Domino's and
Pensioners equally as good. Darren says quick service,
lovely cookies. All right.
No punctuation in between those. Great place service, very quick
deliveries, fast. I would rarely order pizza, but
I recommend their cookies as they're absolutely beautiful.
All right, so there's some more really good reviews.
So people are enjoying it. But look, what we really like is
when people don't enjoy something and think and think
that this is the way to go. Mark writes.
Average dominoes sometimes hit and miss drivers foreign and
sometimes can't find my house and often drive on grass.
That's not like something associated with foreigners.
They're always fought like driving on cross.
What about the Polish that come over here and nick our jobs?
No driving our grass. One of the entrance to your
house is only grass. Your driveway is only grass.
Hover over that mate. What are you doing driving on
sometimes can't find your house. You might just you might just
have a hard house to find. A good house these days is hard
to find. OK, now we're now we're getting
into the meat here. Someone wrote this so possible
aggressive, confirmed how nice homemade pizza is.
On our way home from a trip to Giants 'cause we need it quick
and easy and this fits the bill. Dirty bastard.
My kids say their school friends always revolve like Domino's
Pizza nerds. Hey, go check out this Domino's
Pizza. We kids love it.
Domino kids, go ahead. And play.
So this was their chance to see what all the fuss was about.
It's not like going to the moon. Unfortunately, they were less
than impressed. Kids just sitting raging in the
back of a car with a pizza soaked on the way back from
Giant's Causeway. That's taste like shit.
Maybe a good dose of garlic and some pineapple that had taste to
it would help. That's such a great insult.
There's a building going past, also known as a lorry.
Kids, you're right back there. Maybe a good dose of garlic and
some pineapple would help. This is true fast food, fast and
tasteless. Oh OK we've got some terrible
reviews here we go first of all, I want to emphasise that you
know there's good reviews and bad reviews.
Also, one of the guys that left a good review has has also left
the terrible review, so in the meantime he's changed his
opinion. He says Open an urge.
Claim to be 3:00 AM on a Saturday night, but when I rang
the order 215 I was treated to the dial tone for three minutes
before I was finally cut off. Either change or open an urge or
answer your phone when people try to give you their best class
3 exclamation marks. Fucking region.
Someone said avoid. Persuaded by a friend to give
this ominous food purveyor another try.
Who the fuck wrote this? Charles Dickens.
I will give this food purveyor another try.
Is that Domino's? Nowhere close to being a genuine
pizza, although it is. It is a genuine pizza.
Like you can't deny it's a pizza.
You can't deny when you order a pizza and they serve it that
it's not a pizza. What is this, a handbag made of
fish? Where is the boy in the tree
shooting? The emperor has no clothes.
What the fuck is this person talking about?
I'm going to read one more right because I don't want to shut it
on it because I had a really good experience there my friend.
Terrible service. Waited 45 minutes for pizza.
You go in an order and have to wait forever.
Service is appalling. Came on fine.
Oh, sounds like that. That'll be twice.
Stop going there if you don't like it.
OK, last one, oops, not good. Someone says we decided to have
lunch there because they had a huge sign on outside
advertising. If you bought a medium pizza and
large pizza, the second would be one point.
Unfortunately, when we were, we were told this was not
available. I mean, that's pretty slight.
It's pretty slight. Advertise that and then when
you, oh, I'll get that, that it doesn't exist.
Surely if you advertise an offer it would be good customer
relations to honour the offer Advertised clearly on the big
sign outside and then they This is such a roast.
I can't comment on the food as we never got the order and what
was the food like? I don't fucking know.
This guy's also left has left other reviews as well in the
Balmain area. He's left one at McDonald's
giving him four stars. He says you always know what
you're going to get. This type of fast food wouldn't
be my favourite type of food in the world.
However, when we called in last night to get a quick bite and
kill an OR, the service was fast and friendly.
Oh for a second I read that as kill a whore and thank God he
was killing an OR. Hopefully not by killing a
whore. And my Big Mac was nicely put
together. Imagine like the best Big Mac in
the world and the worst Big Mac in the world.
There's no difference from me. I've never, I've never said out
loud you know what Big Mac's nicely put together.
He said that. Now he might be overreacting
with this sentence. The last big mark I had from
another branch, like a hurricane swept through the box.
Now I don't know if it did. I don't know if it did or it to
be fairies has a few small observations.
My wife Sunday was not filled with the top.
Oh dirty bastard. We are mildly alarmed to see the
seats being cleaned with a mop that was also being used to
clean the floor. Too much ice in my Coke.
All in all, though, a good visit.
Drake's on too much ice and Michael, but he enjoyed it
anyway. I love that that district
TripAdvisor send him places for me to review and we'll do it.
I'm going to talk a little bit about some stuff.
That I got, I got going on. So, you know, people go man,
what are you up to? Here's what I'm up to.
So the tour is sort of winding down now.
We're getting the finish lines insight.
I've started working on next year's show, but I think there's
a listener's question about that, so I'll save that.
But I do have some wee projects that I'm working on, one of
which is a sitcom you might have seen me talking about before
posting about with my friend Michael Foster.
So we like cast the sitcom and I don't want to talk about that
too much yet, not being one of those proxies.
Like got some big news, can't announce it yet.
We'll fuck up about it then until you can't announce it.
But I just mean, we haven't finished shooting it yet.
So whenever that's done, I'll maybe chat to you a bit about
what that was like. But the stuff that we have shot,
I think it's been really good. Me and Aaron Butler have started
writing this series based on like we online series based on
the American Film shot in Belfast videos that we've made
before me and him. So I'm Ben Harvison, who is the
snake craft from the boy town podcast.
We're writing this like cop series.
It's like Belfast cop series and we're filming some of that this
week. We're hoping to do the first one
and then just do like loads more and get like all comedians from
here, you know, just have different cameos and it'll be
like a lot of fun to make I think.
And I hope people enjoy it. And it'll just be something that
I think we're going to try and shoot like 6 of them and put
them out every week because that I think that is what I would
love to do more sort of wee series that kind of come out
regularly. Oh, Dirty Bastard.
And then also I'll have to get the finger out with Karen
Bartlett and do more Keith Cruz and bunker stuff.
And we are, I've spoken to the BBC about doing some Irish
League football stuff with those two characters going on training
grounds. So we'll chase that up.
If they want to do it, great, if not, we'll do it ourselves.
I don't have no idea what voice that was, but it just felt
appropriate. I'm going to be going to America
the second week of November. I'm going to three places.
I was going to do a load of places, but I think it's like I
only did New York in March there.
So I'm just going to give it a bit more time before going back
because I need to put the bloody roof back on.
Am I right? Guys have bloody roof off it.
No, it didn't. All right, so there you go.
OK, there you go. I am going to on the let's talk
about. I get this right on.
I think it's Wednesday the 6th. Wednesday the Oh, no, I put in
my headphones. Oh, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Almighty. There we go.
OK, we're all right. On Wednesday the 6th or the 7th
of November, I am doing Boston. I'm doing a solo show in Boston.
I have all the proper info, but if you know anybody in Boston,
you tell them the money to what's coming and they best go.
All right, I'm doing a show in Boston the next night.
I am in Chicago now. I always thought there was an R
in there. I always thought it was Chicago,
but it's not in Chicago. But I think I might still keep
saying Chicago, but I'm going to be there on the Thursday doing a
show and then I'm doing some club shows on the Friday and
Saturday. So what that means is it's just
like a 5 or 10 minute spot or whatever, but on the Wednesday
I'm in Boston doing my full show.
On the Thursday I'm in Chicago, on Sunday I'm in Philadelphia.
So I'm one of those three places.
It's a mini East Coast tour that I'm doing.
And if you know people in those places, Boston, Chicago,
Philadelphia, let them know, Tell them I'm coming out there.
OK. Those people from home can't
wait to hear a voice from home. You know, I get on the stage.
Hello. They're all like, I miss people
from home. I'll go, you know, and there'll
be more to the show than that, though.
Don't think that that's it. Don't think I'll then go
goodnight. I'll then do my our long stand
up show, the taller father. I'm all have a great time and
we'll have a pint to Guinness after and we'll pretend we'll
like it because we do like Guinness but we don't like it in
different places around the world.
Because it doesn't taste the same as Guinness so.
But we'll protect, we'll not mention that.
We'll drink Guinness and we'll be like, this is great, but we
won't be enjoying it. So come to those shows, Boston,
Chicago, Philadelphia, and I'll of course post up all the proper
links to all that, all that there.
And all right, two things before we go.
We're going to pick a news story.
I'm going to talk a little bit about that.
I'm going to look into it. I'm going to see what's what I'm
going to get my take on. And then we're going to do
listeners questions because we've got some listeners
questions this week. By the way, if you're if you're
listening this podcast for the first time or you want to know
what other places you can get it, You can get it in Apple
Podcasts. It used to be iTunes.
You can get on Spotify, you can get on SoundCloud.
OK, this this is what I want to talk about before we do
listeners questions. This news article is just
headlined strict mom makes sons pals sign contract before
they're allowed to sleep over. Now my first thoughts are you
should never have a contract for someone to sign before a
sleepover unless it's a kid sleepover and they're an adult,
in which case there should be a contract and the first line of
the contract should be why the fuck are we even at this stage?
You're an adult. You're not coming to the
sleepover. So that I mean, that would be
totally fair, you know what I mean?
But it says a mum has created a contract with her child's that
her child's friends must sign in order to spend the night at her
house or she sounds like no crack.
And one mum decided to get it in writing.
Any of her son's friends had to treat her home with respect and
follow the rules. Well, if they don't treat your
home with respect, they shouldn't be there in the 1st
place. I'm all right guys, OK.
The only apparent drew up a contract which she is guest
signed before they were allowed to sleep over.
And it's very strict. I used to have this this like
lifehack whenever I went to sleep overs whenever I was
younger. If I wasn't really feeling the
vibe of the sleepover, you know, if it was weird or they were
watching weird stuff on TV or the house smelled like dog or
something, I would always just pretend my asthma was playing
up. Can you, Can your mum phone my
mum my? Ass what?
And then I'd be taken home and there would be nothing wrong
with me. You know, I did that probably
1213 times back in the day, but sleepovers were so great.
You know, you go to a mate's house Saturday night, you have a
sleepover, all good. The sign of a good sleepover is
you don't get picked up the next day till late afternoon or early
evening. The sign of a bad sleepover If
you want to know the sleepover you put on for your mates wasn't
good, is about 7:00 in the morning there by the door
waiting to get picked up. Here are the sleepover rules.
This this mom was put up #1 touching or tackling of other
people result in immediate physical separation that could
remain in place up until pickup time.
This means we keep our hands to ourselves and off each other.
Now, fair enough. If you've got one child who's
just straight up touching bombs or something, you know who's
touching the bombs of his friends.
And friends are like, hey, don't touch my bum, please.
You know, if you've got that mini Harvey Weinstein or
whatever, yeah, you know, kick him out, get his parents to pick
him up, put him in the shed, whatever.
But I think taught like, tickling your mates at a
sleepover, that's 70% of the fun of a sleepover, you know, or
having a fight, you know, like toy fight, like wrestling, like
sleepovers. And I used to have, whenever I
was a young boy, what you used to do is just go upstairs to the
bedroom, one dirty bastard, and just bake the shit out of each
other. You know, try all the wrestling
moves from TV. And so I would get kicked out of
every seat war. We keep our hands to ourselves.
Well, not if it's a great time #2 changing them.
Clothes will be done independently and in a private
space with the individual, not in the company of anyone else.
This means no nudity in front of anyone, anyone else whatsoever.
Guys, I can't tell you how many laughs I got whenever I was
very, very much younger, whenever I used to at sleepovers
now. I mean, like primary school age,
OK, I don't when you were 17, primary school age, was there
anything funnier? And it's going to be weird me
saying this out loud when you had a few trusted friends and
there was maybe music on and you would take your bottoms down
just exposing your bum and pretend like your bum was
singing the words of the song. Now there will be 86% of people
listening to this podcast going, That is the most bizarre thing
I've ever heard. And the other 21% will be going
man high, virtual high 5, because that's what it was all
about when you got your bum and you're like.
I have a girlfriend and hands don't blow funny.
Don't overdo it. Don't, don't do like just your
bum, like you're not actually pulling your bum too much.
It's just like a tiny bit, you know?
But that was always good fun. So again, that's not really that
kind of bad. By #3 Disruptions including
excess volume or voice or electronics will result in
suspension. Such privilege.
This means no shouting, interrupting or blasting the TV
or iPad. Well Yep, in a way you shouldn't
be on electronics and a sleepover.
You should just be having good clean fun and messing about and
playing outside and whatever. But you have to blast TV
sometime. Me and my mates just watched the
Top of the Pops because we were legends and and you know you had
the vandal boys within. The vandal bus is coming turning
that shit up. But yeah, you shouldn't be on an
iPad at a birthday party #4 complaining will not be
tolerated. Constructive requests are
encouraged and a kind of polite tone of voice.
This means you have to wait to have my attention and
acknowledgement where you start speaking to me.
All right? So if I genuinely was having an
asthma attack, I'd have to wait until Karen was ready to hear me
out on it. Karen, I well, excuse.
Me, you will wait. You will wait.
Now what would you like to say? Oh my God.
And then you have to sign this contract.
I mean, that is bullshit. How embarrassed would you be if
your mom was the mom that had the contract?
Do you want to sleep over at my house?
Yeah, sure do, man. I'll see you there.
Well, get your lawyer over because we got them.
I used to dot and T's to cross my man.
I would hate that. Where's my phone?
Oh yeah, I've got listeners questions.
I said where's my phone There? Like I was like Gandalf in Lord
of the Rings. Like really, you know, like
there was so much power. Where's my phone?
He wouldn't say that, you know, he'd be, he'd say something like
where's the seven eyes? Where's the seven eyed pigeon?
You know, I don't know. I haven't seen that ones in a
while. OK, OK, OK.
We've got got questions. I said God eight times there,
but that's fine and cool and don't worry about it.
Film Exceed says never mind Sophie's Choice.
Here's Shane's choice. I don't know what Sophie's
Choice is. You get off the Bangor Belfast
trainer call troll. Do you turn right and go to the
Folk Museum or turn left and head to the transport part?
OK, good question. Now, I haven't been either in
quite a while. But what I would say is I think
I prefer the Folk Museum because Folk Museum sounds a little bit
like Folk Museum. So if you say it in a certain
way, people still think I mean Folk Museum, but you're saying
Folk Museum. You know, you can't say enough
the Folk Museum. And sometimes we'll be like,
yeah, and you are dirty bastard. So I would go there.
The Transport Museum is a little bit nerd heavy for me, despite
being, you know, genuine nerd. Transport Museum, like steam
trains and all that. No, not for me.
My dad heard that there was this, like, train exhibition on
True Story at the Transport Museum a couple years ago.
And he went down and it was. Toy trains.
And they were. Adults and my dad left.
So yeah, probably the Folk Museum.
Folk Museum's good crack. You know, the best part of it is
the fact that people are there in genuine outfits pretending
they're actors pretending to be from that time, you know, you
might recognise them from like, and I also like working in spa
or something. Well, it's good to see you.
Just we're having a tough time here in the farm.
Where are you visiting from? I'm like 2019 also where you're
from, Craig, you know. Oh, no, I'm not Craig.
I'm. I'm a peasant.
I'm a peasant farmer. No, you're not all right.
No, you're not. You're also wearing converse.
Dez Bennett, Tell us more on the talk cast, please, about sitcom
ID you were on about a few weeks ago and if it's on the horizon.
Yep, we'll get into that next week, Dez.
But it was really good fun to shoot.
Cast were brilliant. I had worked with some of them
before and sketches, but everybody like stepped it up
and, and we've got one, one or two more filming days, but we've
got to wait until my hair grows back a bit more because I had a
fresh cut for the waterfront gig.
So it would look weird because some shots I would have longer
hair and shorter hair, you know? But we'll get that finished next
week. But cheers.
And yeah, it was, it was, it was good.
Felt good. Felt like something just
slightly different to what I've been doing before.
And I enjoyed that. Do you know my when he says, how
many lawnmowers does your dad have in the shed?
Yes, yes, I like that. You also been in one of the live
shows, which is excellent. Thanks.
I'm not sure you're at, but yeah, I do a little bit of
material there about lawnmowers. So if anyone was on the fence
about coming to see me, just know that if you like
lawnmowers, Yep, you're covered. If you like Panther about
lawnmowers, I've got it, you know, so don't worry about it.
Filmics. He asked that that folk museum
question. Fuck I fuck, fuck off.
I can't talk, Matthew says. How long does it take to figure
out your whole stand up routine? What works, what doesn't work?
I would say to come up with a new hour long show.
Like I like to do a new hour a year, but then I always travel.
I try new materials much anytime I go to a comedy club,
libraries, pug uglies and front page and Ballymena brickwork and
diary doesn't matter. I always try new stuff because
it's fun to try it. And I guess the straight answer
is you don't know if it works until you do it.
And you can also do it but it doesn't work but you're still
going. I'll make that work eventually
and you keep doing it. Or you do a bed that works first
time you do it and then never works again.
So it does take that year. I'd say it takes me a year to
come up with an R material, which is pretty average for
comedians who are doing the they are every year.
They would all probably say yeah, an hour I years away,
right. I mean, if you were like more
Jerry Seinfeld about it, who's one of the best comedians all
time? So none of us are Jerry Seinfeld
about it. But if you were someone who
cared about every word of your joke, then there's no way you
could come up with a new are every year.
But I think if you're willing to just have fun with the are and
change bits as you go, just like a tiny bit, you know, I think
it's dead on. But the stand up routine.
So now that now that I'm happy with this show and you know,
there's maybe 4 shows left, I'm starting to think about next
year's show, but also not letting it distract me from the
shows I've got left this year. So I'm just sort of slowly
working on that. But I'd say I've got about half
an hour material for the new show, which is brilliant, but it
may well change because there's stuff you do at the start of the
tour and then go, Nah, I've been, or you suddenly don't have
time for it because you you've stretched another bit out you
find more funny in another bit. So it really depends, man.
There's no like there's no real rule for it.
But I I love testing out new stuff.
So the next year's show, next year's show I hope might be
genuinely next year's tour might be on sale in the next couple of
weeks. Because every year I make I
think about it and go, should I do a newer this year?
And I usually say yes, but you know, there'll be a time where I
go, Nah, you know, maybe this year I'll give it a miss.
You know, I'll do other things or whatever.
But I feel good about a new show.
So I'm going to start working on that in the next couple of
months and I'll have fun going out and trying.
But then also I like, I like just trying bits that you're
never going to do again. You're just doing for the crack.
Like on Instagram and Twitter, I put up a clip of me in Dublin
talking about Tito crisps because there was a news story
about that week about it. And it's the sort of thing you
just do like it's like a throwaway bit, you know what I
mean? You're like, I'm just going to
do this tonight. I'll put up the clip and it is
what it is, you know, I'll never do it again.
So I like I like doing fun stuff like that.
Chris says where is the strangest place you've
defecated? Never say defecated, man.
OK. Because you sound like some sort
of what he calls people that work in a morgue.
You sound like a what do you call them?
You sound like a man. It's so sciencey the way you
said it defecated. You know, if you say defecated,
you're definitely into some sort of weird sex thing where unless
you're 14 by the way, man, maybe you're listening to this going,
hey, what are you doing? I'm 12.
In which case, no, don't worry about that.
Where's the strangest place? Where do we strange place Like
shit, I don't ever remember doing it in a place and going,
this is so weird. I do remember being locked out
of my mum's house once and when I got back in I was so annoyed.
He's shitting the kitchen floor. No, it was last year.
Primary school, I want to say I think no, no, no, I was later
than not a secondary school. I was locked out.
I didn't have a key and I needed to go to the toilet.
So I had to go with the back of the garden.
But it was all right because there's like a like a covered
bed, like a big Bush at the back of the garden and you can sort
of get in behind that. So I ended up, I was happy
enough, you know, I enjoyed it. Use some Dakkan sleeves.
Dean Davis, a referencer, Dakkan slave for all three.
People like it. And so, yeah, that's why the
weirdest place, but nowhere weirder than that.
Although it did do wee wee somewhere really weird last
week. I shouldn't have said wee wee.
I was thinking about Dean Davidson there who would say wee
wee. But I obviously say tinkle.
I did a tinkle somewhere really weird last week, but I just
needed to go. So there you go.
I'll leave that. We'll leave that one week.
Colin says should net positive suction head be allowed for when
calculating circulation, pump size and a closed loop system?
Asking for a friend. Yeah, probably.
I would say. Don't know if it's a Wednesday,
yes. Any other day of the week, no.
But closed loop beats open loop in that situation if you ask me.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Couple of questions on Instagram.
Yeah, Instagram was taking off on that sum up somehow.
Good stuff. I got a question from Matthew
Merlin, by the way. Matthew, I saw your car last
last week. I saw your car last week, man.
I saw you getting out of your car.
And how long you been hairdressing for?
And one is you're going to presume it was your husband's?
Look, I'm one. I drive Passat.
I can't slag anybody else off for their car.
I drive an old Passat. I look like a taxi driver.
I look like a divorced taxi driver who's just taken the sign
off. All right, so.
So people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
And I apologise, Matthew, you're genuinely a lovely guy.
Nancy says enjoy your radio presenter voice, but who do you
tune into in the wireless? Big fan of Fighting Talk
themselves. I actually didn't know Fighting
Talk was still going. And I don't mean that in a
slagging way, I just mean I used to really, really enjoy it as
well. But for whatever reason, I just
don't listen to it anymore. Is it on Saturday morning?
Because I'm normally just watch until I go to play football.
When I leave the house at like 12 or whatever, I usually just
watch Soccer AM and Sky Sports News.
So I don't listen to the radio. But yeah, great to see we've got
some fans of my radio voice out there.
Really enjoy that, you know, feedback.
Thanks very much for that. Matthew Murnin.
So who do I tune into in the wireless?
I listen to Talk Sport mostly. So Talk Sport is my default
station because I like to hear about the football and a couple
other sports. But there are loads of ads on
that which I sort of get like I still listen to Radio 1,
although I'm getting that age where to say things like that's
not music, you know, even though I've quite an eclectic music
taste, there's some stuff in that I'm like, the fuck are you
doing? If I want to hear music, you
know, if I'm just driving, I want to listen to a wee chart
hit, you know, I'll go between cool FM, Q Radio, Radio One,
probably those three stations. Sometimes I listen to Radio
Ulster, I like to listen to U1O5 sometimes as well.
It just depends what I'm in the mood to listen to.
But I 90% of the time I listen to podcasts when I drive.
So I need a car with the that you can play through Bluetooth
on because at the minute I just play the podcast on my phone and
then put it in like the drinks holder on my phone.
Winning. So I essentially need new cars.
What I'm saying? So, yeah.
Or listen to CDs. I don't know.
There's nothing. There's no like, show where I'm
like, I listen to that all the time.
You know, if I'm flicking around, if it's the morning
pizza, Nolan's on, Steven Clemens on something like that,
I listen to that. But a lot of the time it's
podcast CDs and that kind of thing.
I don't listen to, like news or any like serious debate shows
because they're just like that. I found them enjoying myself.
So there you go. Thanks for the question Giles
Stroud says good morning mambo cheeky great night and Saturday
mate. Congrats again.
Thank you Sir. And he says my question is how
do you feel knowing that you've given a new meaning to do they
know it's Christmas to many people, including myself and
they'll I'll never be able to hear that song again without
thinking to you and Connor Keyes cheers.
Cheers to you for coming dirty bastard.
Yes, the at the end of the show for a reason that I'm not really
going to go into because this is it's going to come out like some
sort of special the show, so I don't want to entirely spoil it.
Me and Connor Keys, obviously in the 20th of September performed
the classic Band-Aid hit. Do they know it's Christmas?
And do you know what The funny thing about that was?
Right. I could either go on two ways
with it. And I was like, should I?
No, I, I can't really sing. And I'm not saying that like Ron
Burgundy and Anchorman, but I'm not really prepared.
Anybody's got a great flute. I can hold a tune.
But if someone proper could sing and they were singing beside me,
you'd go, all right, they can sing back.
I Can't Sing, so I can't really sing.
But I do like to sing and I like to do karaoke, you know, I'm
never sounding like that, but I like doing it.
But at the Waterfront I was like, should I, because this is
a comedy show, right? So should I try and sing like
bow on purpose or should I just go for it?
And in my head I was like, maybe I'm not really trying to sing.
See, as soon as I saw 2000 people with the lights from
their phones going in the fucking waterfront hole to a
sold out crowd, you best believe I put everything I could in the
singing that note as well as possible.
And then I saw the, I saw the footage back and I went, yes,
yes, hashtag Sony records #sentiment boy.
Cheeky. But yeah, I've been singing that
song since, which is vain, but, well, no, it's not, but yeah,
thanks, thanks, thanks for coming.
You know, it's great whenever you see and hear people that,
you know, have come to shows for a long while, go to something
like that and still enjoy it because you know that there's a
lot of people seeing you for the first time.
But which is cool, but it means a lot when people come back to
shows, you know, because you know, you're you're doing
something right. So appreciate that, guys.
Tyler says, did you know Lisburn is the city?
And yes, you might have been on the Lisburn show and that might
be some sort of banter between me and you.
Or if you're just saying that independently that I know
Lisburn was the city, then yes, I know Lisburn is technically a
city. I mean, those are my, you know
what I mean? But it's one of those ones where
I gave them people from there. Like Louise says, you didn't do
your wee laugh at the end of your radio voice.
That's my favourite part. Well, just for you, there you
go. I think that's it, That's it for
questions. To be fair, I only gave it a bit
half an hour before I recorded. So sadly, there'll be some
people asking questions tonight and I have to look at them and
go, oh, Jesus, I'm not even going to be able to answer that.
But that's life in it sometimes, guys.
I also want to plug a couple of charity shows.
That's CHARIDY charity, right that I'm doing, starting with
right, which one? The moon I'm doing.
So I've talked about this on the podcast before.
We do like as like a group of comedians, we do maybe four or
five big charity shows a year where 100% of the money raised
goes to charity because you get asked to do a lot of charity
gigs and it's just not possible to gig full time, you know,
making a living basically, and then do a load of shoes for free
as much as you would like to. So because a lot of comedians
get asked this, we thought a good thing to do is just get a
big group of people together, you know, the people that are
regularly at shoes, you know, because you run into the same
sort of people like gigs. So people were chatting about
this and it's like, let's just put on a couple of shows.
So that's what we're going to do.
So in the Limelight on Sunday the 6th of October, which is
this Sunday, Limelight 2. So the big room, which I've
actually never played before, any of the motor neurone
disease. So Karen Bartlett has organised
this one. It's me, Colin Geddes, Aaron
McCann, Dave Elliott, Mickey Bartlett, Patti McDonald, Mark
McCartney, Connor Keys, Kieran Bartlett, William Thompson, Rory
Woods, Rory McShane, James Mckenney, Jordan Robinson, Aaron
Butler, Monster lineup. Then I am doing a gig for Ruth
Curran, my friend Ruth Curran. Ruth you might know from FNT
Live, which was the sketch group the day of Nordy Shore with the
Big Bear himself, Dave Elliott. Ruth is putting on a comedy
night on Thursday the 10th of October in the Shoe Factory in
Belfast in Union Street and the money raised for that will go
into Action Mental health. So that is going to be a real
fun show. I've actually played that venue
before so it'll be cool to go back.
And the lineup for that is myself, Diona Doherty, Rory
Woods, Aaron Butler, William Thompson, and I think Ruth might
be hosting that. And then the last one of the
year that I'm doing the last charity show.
If you want to come down and have a laugh and also, you know,
support something really worthwhile is hang on a second.
Because I want to, I want to make sure I'm getting all the
right details about this. So this night is also a night
for mental health as well. And the night is kind of being
raised in honour of Michael Cullen from Belfast who passed
away. I think, I think it was last
year, because I think this is second, this is the second
night, this or second year that this event has been running and
the first year that I'm doing it.
So it should be a really good night.
Let me just this genuine apology I've ever given in my life.
I'm so sorry about this, guys. My hands do not work.
OK, Now they do. Yeah.
It's called the Night for Cull. So it's in the Empire Friday the
15th of November and the lineup is Dave Elliott, the rapper
Rees, Patty Raff, Colin Geddis and myself I think.
I don't know if there's more acts on or what, but that should
be a really good night too. So come and check those out.
All I got to do is is get out of here. shine.net if you want to
come and see my last tour dates or the Galway Comedy Festival if
you want to come and see that show and go away.
I am joking about coming all the way to Galway to see it, but at
the same time, the Galway Comedy Festival is great crack.
So have a look at the programme for that.
And if you want to come down and also come see my show and call
and get us to dinner solo show as well.
So check that out. And Colin's on tour at the
minute. So if you want to go and see
him, tickets are on shine.net as well.
See a space show, which I haven't seen yet, but we'll
hopefully see you soon. And you know what, just everyone
doing stuff. So just go and check it out and
go and see, stand up and just have a good time, OK?
Because Brexit, what is it? We don't know.
What does a backstop mean? No idea.
I thought it was the wee thing that's behind the door.
You know, that's what I think a backstop is, that wee springy
thing. And don't really have them
anymore these days, but they used to have them behind doors
in the 90s. It was a wee spring and it got
thinner as it went on, Dirty Bastard.
And I had a wee white plastic. But at the end, and if you pull
the back, which I used to every day, Dirty Bastard, and let it
go, it went. It didn't do that, but it went.
I don't know what it did. But look, we're living in
certain times. The Amazon's burnt down.
You know, you've got Brexit, you've got, you know, Katie
Price has lost her on herself. What I'm saying is get out there
and just laugh, you know, because laughter is the best
thing. And then I want to just say,
I've done 59 minutes, 30 seconds.
I just want to hit that R OK, So what I'll do that, what I'll
spend the last 30 seconds doing is saying, is this first of all,
OK, my wife's ringing me, going to be so rude, not acceptable
call. But what I want to do is just
thank everybody for coming to the Waterfront show and all the
tour shows so far. And we're going to get a wee
tune going as well because this song means a lot to me.
By Gillette. Short Dick man.
OK. And that's what I want to say.
Thank you very much to all the lovely people out there.
For nobody's still listening at this point, OK?
I get that. All right.
And it's just me here, OK? And that's fine.
That's absolutely fine. OK.
Short Dick man. Don't want me short Dick man.
You preach it, sister. OK, Thanks very much for
listening to the Shame telecast back every Wednesday.
The video version will be back. SoundCloud, Apple Music and
Spotify, thank you very much. and.net for tour dates and merch
coming soon. Dirty Bastard.