I'm feeling good. I'm about to record a pod with
you and Eman McGuire. That'll be a fun time.
Couple crazy. Gooses.
Should we set something up like a stump?
Could I like, because I'm wearing a black jacket, If I lay
down on the couch, we just pretend that I'm not there, and
then she'll set on me and see if she notices.
Yeah, that's good. That's good.
Should we like during it? Should we, like, reveal
something weird about ourselves but just made-up?
Yeah, let's let's make up a random fact and see.
Can we say we own a franchise or something?
Yeah. What would be on, You know that
we like silica gels that go in there like shoes to make sure
they don't get down. Yeah, we've bought into that
during COVID and you brother with it's not balls or we cubes.
What's it called you? Oh, we got what can we call
that? Let me see cube tubes, they come
in we tubes and they stop you getting bump.
OK, so is it silica or silicone gel?
Silica, isn't it? Yeah, I get.
Celica Gels. Guys, welcome to this week's
episode of the Tea With Me podcast, with your host back
from his tour for a couple of weeks.
Are you back? Couple of days.
A couple of days she and Todd we he's our turn and Speaking of
tour and someone is going to be starting to her and the not so
distant future is our central guest, it's Emory McGuire.
Welcome to the show. I am, I am your your, I'm your
guest. I'm Diavelli So. 1st guest to
ever get applauded by the game. Have it.
There we go. This is what we need.
This is the energy we're bringing, energy.
We're you're killing this. Can you always say this true?
And what are you? You're the fighting.
Fight Collection. You know who I'm?
Hey, that's my name. Oh, sorry, I'm fight.
Collection. I'm Captain Phillip.
Sure there'll be Somalian guy on my boat.
I'm just sitting here like. I'm the captain.
Alrighty, we're just hey, this guy.
Do you know why? Do you know why that's out of
pocket? Because we're all getting a bit
hated because we're talking about movies with hot lesbian
action in it. And I mentioned Showgirls and Me
and they have remembered that because what age do you?
Watch the Yesterday 34. Right.
This might have been like even though I'm 37, you may have
missed out in sugars by a year or two.
That's still a big gap though whenever your way and if there
was lesbians and I wouldn't have been allowed to watch it.
What, what, what? My dad only let me watch a
lesbian movie. Yeah, I remember one time there
was a lesbian kissing Cornisha St.
My parents nearly their legs with the TV off.
What do you call that actress? Was it Sophie?
And so who was the lady used to be in Dream Team?
Oh, I Carla. I don't know Carla.
Was it her? Oh.
No, it wasn't. Wasn't her.
That was more recent times. It wasn't her.
Oh, this was back in the day. This is.
Maybe it's just the Alan Battersby it was.
When I was a teenager, yes. It wasn't Eagle.
There's been my back from jazz. It was David Rasheed, Janice.
And Janice neck and on in the Necker factory it.
Was. Scissoring in the Rovers like
Norris watching her in a locker. Machine Norris.
I loved him. He was a pig.
Norris's bitch. He just flies in in the action.
Norris does look a wee bit like I'll give it to you.
Yeah, out of all the cast of Cordisha Treat, Norris is a
pigeon. Like 1 pigeon.
Well, I love eating Betty's hot pot.
What? Betty's hot.
Pot Oh dude. Alright, Pete, Dan, you know the
original lesbian action in Corrie.
Can you source it for us there please?
Showgirls was a movie and it was like Channel 4 would have shown
it like 10:00 on a Sunday night back in the day.
The old time Gina Gershon she wanted to do.
She is. She's like the old timer.
You know there's always an old timer doesn't like the new hot
young buck in the scene. Strippers like.
Showgirls. Performers the.
Performers Burlesque.
Performers, but it was so hot like.
And who else? Who is there anybody famous in
it? Cam McLaughlin.
We're talking about like old
school babes. Save by the belt.
You watch that? Absolutely.
Is it Jessie from? Is that her name?
Elizabeth Berkeley. Elizabeth Berkeley.
Never a fan. Well, she's I liked Kelly.
She's the main Oh. Kelly, Yeah, showgirl.
Oh, Screech. Elizabeth Oh, Screech.
You know he's dead. Yeah.
All right. Pete Goodfella I don't know, but
wasn't. Enough.
Well, squeeching Goodfellas 10 out of 10.
But I yeah, I loved Kelly. Funny how Mr Building I don't
know, I don't know sweet shocks. I just I just.
Quite like that. But Elizabeth Berkeley, is that
her name? Yeah, I think she was she in the
L word? Just know the L word if we're
talking about. That I know the L word channel L
word. It wasn't the L word that was on
Channel 5. Oh my God, do.
You know. What it says in.
It no. If there's HLA I should know,
but I don't. So this was I.
Double checked. Does that mean hot lesbian
action? Yeah.
There's HL I'm going to start using.
That lesbian action, Yeah. I'm going or not yes Sippers.
This episode of the TV podcast, I've got a glimpse back in the
curtain there for a few years and listeners when the mask
completely slipped. I'm going or not, Sippers got
off 3 times. This episode of the D With Me
podcast is sponsored by none other than that prize guy.
Is this recording by the way? Yeah, hopefully.
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you're going. What are you talking about?
If you don't know the door in bar which I've gigged in a few
times, which is opposite the King's Hall at the at the top or
the bottom of the Lisbon Rd, Depends what?
Depends what way you look at it, depends what way you look at it.
But obviously where the King's Hall is, the Doy Inn is a great
bar. I say I gig there a few times.
There's a good Atmos. Now I go, what the hell is this
one up thing that you're doing? And the Doy Inn say, well
listen, what about electronic darts and an electronic
shuffleboard? I said Yep, OK, I like playing
darts, play darts. Once a year I organise a little
bit of a get together Christmas. So I like darts.
I go, what about a pool table? They go, yeah, I say electronic
pool table, they go, no, just how would that work?
Just normal pool table and that I say, is that it?
And the space you've got And they said, well, private karaoke
booth. I said, let me stop you there.
They said we're finished private karaoke booth.
Now I've only done this once in New Zealand.
Me and Willie T did it and just sangling We Killed no Encore by
Linkin Park and Jay-Z. But your dad is that is just
you've had a few drinks, you've had a good time, you've won the
darts. You go into the private karaoke
booth and you you just let loose.
This is great. I don't know if there's anywhere
else in Belfast. They have TV showing the best
live sport and they have a specifically created food menu.
Full service bar. Prefer for a night out with
friends parties a night out with different corporate away days.
It's called one up and it's upstairs at the door in.
You can book now at one up belfast.com.
They're on socials as one up Belfast.
We should have a day out there say not night.
Let's cut it off at it. That'd be great.
Hey, Charlie is also the name of a Jane that causes a severe
spiral. What I mean if I'm.
I know what you'd prefer. You made me.
I'm. Going to say if I watch the L
word. What the hell?
You have an episode, are you right?
I feel like yeah. Is that what you look like when
things are? Happening.
Yeah, what happened? I'm going to have a wee
smashing. Disgusting.
L Word was basically it was the first TV show that the whole
universe was just lesbians and it was based in LA and it was
all these lesbians and their lives were all tangled up.
Well, it was more. They were tangled up.
They were tangled. Up it was Oh my God, I.
Know what they all stands. For dude lesbian.
Absolutely. And it was.
I can't believe you. I've never met a male who's
watched it. Yeah.
Yeah, I'll be honest. Couldn't tell you what any of
the storylines were, but unbelievable.
It was very great, very, what would you call it, very graphic.
Yeah, very. It was only played tennis or
something. I fancied her explicit.
Dana. Yeah, I loved her.
Oh, Dana. She then it was the bad girl
too, like. Shane.
Yes. Oh.
My God. No, they were called Shane.
Yeah. No, the bad the not the bad
lesbian, the the bitch lesbian that everyone fancied was called
Shane. Yeah.
Oh my God, she was so cool. Steinway.
Should have back then. Should have reminded you.
We better early Rory Woods. She was.
Hair and all the I remember the way would you beaten about this?
We it was like we emo. Hair.
Yeah, he was OG emo like back in the day, yeah.
Well, I remember because this will be exclusive news, but I
think I remember being about 16 and talking to Rory Woods and
MSN Messenger. Oh, hang on a second here.
Hang on a damn second. We had a wee flirt.
Now, how would this? Would this just have been a
general Strabane? We know each other through
friends of friends sort of thing.
I don't know how it came about. He probably saw me and thought
do. You think it was in a group or
were we talking direct? Oh.
We've talked direct a few times. We'll see if I can find the
receipts. I definitely remember talking to
Ray Woods on MSN. Could have been once, could have
been twice do. You remember on MSN Messenger
there was a thing that got brought in where you could like
if you were playing a song, Windows Media Player, you could
show what song you were listening to.
Could you? And you'll be putting on really
cool stuff making yourself. Mario, let me love you.
Yeah. That's a Prince sound.
Yeah, maybe that's like steal my sunshine, Yeah.
Lane yeah, that's a great song, yeah.
And you used to write, you used to write lyrics as your, as your
name. And mine would always be so like
emo, like I hurt myself. To do emo Maguire emo.
Oh, yeah, I love it. People used to call me Amy to
blow me, and that's really brought it all back.
What? Amy?
Yeah. You know, like the bird.
Cute. Why do you have big necks?
I have a big neck and it's quite thick, but no.
But emus don't have thick necks as long as just.
Because no, I definitely don't have a long neck just because
emus sounds like emu be called emu be called emu be called
Elmer. Hopefully Rod Holden do nothing
inappropriate to you. I don't know who that is.
He's the guy he used to put. His hand up the the the bird.
And what was the bird called? Emu.
No. Was that its actual character
name? Yeah, it's a bit fucking.
I know. It's it's.
A bit lazy, isn't it? Rod, hold on.
EMU, Yeah. No, I've never, I've never heard
of him, but. If I was puppeteer.
But you need to watch the L. Word.
If we look like a Victorian puppeteer.
Puppeteer. Like if I sat on your knee, how
much do we do? Yeah.
You really, really do. You do.
You do look about like a Victorian child.
Give us the mic, I'd say something good.
I'm here with me. Puppet strings, all right,
Strings. Oh, speak you can speak.
Oh. You're.
Supposed to. You beautifully speak, so I just
do this. All right, Strings.
What have we been doing in a strings?
You have you put your hand on my ass.
Strings. Not again.
I don't know. I like it.
Oh, give me a second. Strings.
Yeah, wipe your ass strings.
Is that my? Job strings.
Make him say something else. Strings can you wave at the
other people? Make us sing to you.
Strings. What's your favourite?
Song Mario, let me love you. Why are you speaking like a
robot Strings? You're a puppet, not a robot.
I didn't have time to commit to a horseman.
Can you sing a little bit of Mario for the people?
Yeah. Baby, you should love me, love
you. Strings back in your box.
Dave, how was your holiday? You're in Lanzarote it.
Was a good time, lovely time, lovely time away and son how do
we some holiday and feel good? You like to be holiday, but
don't you like a getaway like you get away?
I do like you get away. I like holiday.
I've got a holiday coming up to Espanol.
And can you switch off? Like oh absolutely not, you
always have a. Lot.
You have a lot going on. You spend a lot of plates.
No, I've been in. Pies.
Excuse me? Did you say you've got a laptop?
I got a laptop guys is that. What you said when I said you
have a lot going on. Do you say I've got a laptop?
Yeah, I bring this happens to me, right See, I get, I get in
the laugh, but this is a TASM. Let me just reset.
You have an autism fit, is that a thing?
Yeah, Well, I don't think, I don't think you would call it an
autism fit. That's not very PC.
Well, I call it Episode. Do you need to aura farm for
women to get back? Out of I so some.
See Do the Sex 7. I do not, I do not laugh a lot,
right, right. And that really made me laugh
because it was so weird. And see, sometimes I will wake
up laughing. Terrifying for your partner?
It's really, really scary, but it's like I can't stop and it's
nearly like I feel like somebody having a seizure.
Like I know I'm in it and I know what's happening and I'm kind of
conscious because. It's something you've been
thinking of or you'll just wake up I.
Will just wake up laughing, laughing and I can't stop and
see when something like that makes me laugh.
I feel like I cannot get out of the laugh.
I feel trapped in the laugh but now I'm OK.
Just needed a. Back of my head hurts sometimes
when I really laugh like that. Does it?
We'll see. There when you were sitting upon
his knee. Yeah.
The. All right, Shakespeare, the
veins in your head. Yeah.
Where have a veiny head. They were extraordinary.
I've never seen anything like it.
I thought they were going. To be so shit strings you have.
To tell my family what happened. They're like what my kids,
right, What happened to daddy? And you're like, he was doing a
puppet called string singing. Let me love you say.
Don't worry about it on camera. I'll be your last moment.
So disrespectful. Yeah, I.
Had a lot of beans. Well, I think we all do.
I just you can see me. Yeah, because you don't have
much between the skin and the skull.
I thought you would say years. Whereas at my veins I don't
think are propelled because I have more tissue than you.
My veins are underneath this which you could do a skin calp
test on. Dave's you're in the end of.
That has got bigger and bigger as the years have gone on the
the like the the. Cliff off Dave's head.
Big meathead. Yeah.
Is that do other people have never seen that but.
Not like, not as much as that. Yeah.
They look like 2 separate bits of someone's like he's been sewn
together. Like he gets like assembled like
like pushed on. Yeah, it's really nice.
It's nice. Oh, yeah.
Does your wife like it? She said so no she says that's
why it's increased. She no she's she has low key
suggested I do Botox. Get reduced, Yeah.
Could they just suck that out? That makes yours.
If they stopped it out, you would have a flap of skin.
I'm being serious, Dave, that. Looks like a Klingon.
You would have you would have an extra flap.
Yeah, right. I don't need an extra flapping,
that's for sure. No, he's all flat.
But she actually said that because your wife, I mean, the
reason that's so disrespectful is your wife does do like those
Botox injections, like can administer them as what?
I mean, yeah. But so like, it's lied that she
was like, you should think about doing that.
You want to do it now? But no, I I'm cool because I
don't. I feel like as a comedian you
have to be a bit expressive, don't you?
Yes, if I'm like all the time. And it's good if you'd have a
facial quirk, you know, it's nice to be different as veins.
Your face shows you've lived a life.
Exactly in my face but laughing. That's why I wouldn't get Botox
anything. Like I don't like when people
give you little say things about your appearance that you may be
it's not the most prominent thing.
Like my mom was chatting to me about what I ever consider going
to Turkey and the hair transplant.
And I was like, listen, it's too far gone.
I I, I quite like this look. It's good.
And then in the next breath she went, but sure, you could go
there and get your teeth fixed, right.
And I was like while. You're there, I.
Don't think there's any necessarily too wrong with
teeth, mom. So that's hurtful.
And I think your teeth are nice. I like your gap.
Thank you. Yeah, the models have that.
Like I know they do. The London look.
Yeah, yeah. Why you cry?
I don't. I don't.
Get the London look. You look really sad.
So I'm trying to stretch this bit up, so I'll try to.
I think you stood a bald head. Thank you.
You do you actually? Do you have a?
Great head. Thank you.
Is your is your hair That's that's you haven't had a hair
transplant. That's natural.
That's real. That's pretty good, baby.
I'm happy. See, because I'm nearly 40.
I'm happy and see whatever happens, happens.
See his dad. Is it from your mommy or dad
going bald? They say it, but here's the.
Thing they say. All that.
Well, you know, my mom's Phil Mitchell.
But they say, I mean, that's Grant Mitchell.
No, they say that, though none of those things are true.
Like no, because they're they're not actually related in real
life are OK. What?
To the hair or the film grant. Mitchell they're they're not
related. Film Grant Mitchell in the
Shoulder Brothers, but in real life they're.
Not they play a wonderful part. I really thought that they were
siblings. I know they're very alike.
No, you have you have a good. Thank you.
Appreciate that. Very nice, but.
Tim, Timmy. I'm delightable.
It's Kim. No.
No, that's a compliment. Isn't you Tintin we character?
Yeah, but he's like a wee Belgian boy.
I'm not trying to be that. You you could pass through we
Belgian. Give me 8/10/10 talk.
Now what I didn't like there you got him involved and you roped
him into it you and couldn't he and tapped him so we.
Would get because I got scared. I thought he backed me up.
Yeah, he's saying my bodyguard. Over here, if there's live
action, 1010 could be that. He could be it she and that is a
massive opportunity for you. No, I really can you do a
Belgian accent. You could be live to live
tinted. Hello.
You could let me love you do that.
I actually, I think I could do a Belgian accent.
Go for it. Well, I could do Dutch show.
I imagine it's pretty similar. That was really good.
That was decent, but that's a touch of French though too,
isn't it? Belgium, yes, but a lot of
those. His mom could.
Belgium's, I guess, very transient.
It is very well. That was actually really good.
You get an accents. Yes, oh, Jamaican.
That was. Yeah, Dave as well.
We're we'd be big accent guys and private you get an accent.
Yeah, but I'm not allowed to do them anymore publicly.
Yeah, because you do the ice to them.
I know true. That's the I.
Yeah. So this episode of the TV's Me
podcast is sponsored by none other than Nord VPN.
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streams on a Friday, all our spin off series.
You can go back and watch it all.
You can watch the short lived serial killer podcast that me
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Yeah, you got an accent. No, I no, I do an English
accent, but I don't know where in England it is.
It's just generic. OK, let me close my eyes and
imagine I'm in the cots, Walt. Oh God, I don't know.
I can't do that. I don't.
Even know, but you're just you've come from somewhere else
in England doesn't matter, OK. I'm a travel.
I can't do a travel. No, we're not asking.
You I'm greeting you into my my pub I.
I'm in the pub, he runs it and I'm blind.
Sure, my. OK.
So I'll come in and I'll order. You're ready, Ink.
I'm in. Mead.
Excuse me, Would you like a Mead from my my my bar?
I'm blind. It could be lager, who knows?
Can I ask you something? Where are you from?
I'm from the past. Hang on, hang on, hang on to get
into me English. L.
Hello Dave, can I please have a package of bacon fries?
You sound awful like that singer-songwriter Michael
Jackson. They are.
It couldn't be me. You can't see.
I I cannot anything. We don't wish anything.
OK, I'm here now, Right? I'm here.
Alan, cars in the house. I'm here.
Die. I love your pub, blind man.
Oh, excuse me. What have you got for me?
Oh. My God.
Oh I would like a WKT. Oh, that bad?
If I do, it's getting there. Yeah, it's.
Not bad. Yeah, it's not good either.
Yeah, it's good. That's as much as I can do.
You know what it definitely is. It's definitely somebody that
you would find at a market back in the day.
Yes, I've got a little something for, Yeah.
I've got something for. I've got a pair of nitrates.
Are my spoils. Absolute.
It's a little bit like 2. Days in Europe with own car what
like I'd love to go on like a 2 day city breakdown you just.
Spent two days in Europe with Alan Carr.
I was like. No, but I'd love to.
I'd love to how? Lisbon or something?
Oh, Lisbon. A lot of steps in Lisbon, a lot
of walking. Oh.
We know this because. Jesus.
Dave came on tour with me there and we did Barcelona, Lisbon and
me, him and Calvin, I was taking us to the site Timeout market to
go and have dinner. And when I say there was like,
I'd say a half a mile hill, I mean, I've never really seen a
hill at this angle to the point where people were going to just
take photos of the hill. And I was like, boys, come on,
it'll be fine. And they've always said he hates
me because I'd be what he describes as BFG legs because
I'll just take like 4 steps at a time.
You're stringy. Yeah.
And I don't like, I just walk like I'm walking on flat grind.
And this guy was so pissed that he was doing the hill.
And then when we got to the very top, when we got to the very
top. I have 26 inch legs.
Short leg. I realised it was a way we could
have just walked around. Oh, not going awful because we
then had to come down the other side.
Oh God, I was just ruled. But he was so pissed off.
Did You Know? Hard.
We have a lot of muscle to carry.
Exactly, I just got out of the shower too and it all and it was
hot and didn't want to start sweating again and I did.
Yeah, that's my number one reason for not liking to do a
lot of walking on holidays because I do not like the sweat.
Well you should take inspiration on this guy, the animal fringe
with 10 years ago. Like the only white guy I've
ever seen do this just had like a white tile around his neck.
The whole fringe. That's a black dude thing to do,
but Dave was doing it at the fringe himself constantly.
It also went with the ragged chin, so it would have been
weird if it didn't have the full look to complete.
Where where you going in Spain? I am going to my girlfriend's
dad's house. Does he live out there or he
just has a place? Oh, no, he lives there.
Oh. I love that.
No, he's not Spanish. My girlfriend's English.
And which one? Well, she's English.
What's her voice like? Oh, I'm a.
Oh, that be a kind. So she's she gets really annoyed
at me that I keep telling people she's English but she is English
to me because she has an English accent but her her dad's
English, her Ma's Irish and she is English but she's a Catholic
so kind of cancels it out. So she is.
I don't even know. She's the the Sol the the
resolution of the problem. She's European.
That's what I Yeah, well, it depends.
So she's, she's, I don't think she knows what she is.
And she, her dad lives in Spain, so her parents live over there.
So where are we talking? They're going on holidays
outside Alicante. Oh, do you know what's great
about that short flight? Yeah, short flight and they're
40 minutes from the airport. So her her parents are actually
going away on holidays and her. People that live on holidays go
on holidays. They must.
But they live on. Holidays and I don't know, they
do live. So where do they go?
Do they just go to like? Maybe they go.
Somewhere in their city. Yeah.
Like Bath, Bath's lost let.
Me know, but if you're in Spain you go to Bath because it's a
nice place. You've disrespected me because
we are going. We're taking the kids over to
Bath. Great.
Family. Oh my God, Shane I.
Didn't even know. That I was in.
Bath because my my cousin who lives, she lives in between
Bristol and Bath. So we're just going over for
like she has an Airbnb so we're going over for like 3 or 4 days
I thought. It'd be nice and we'll do a bit
of both. I was in Bath and there's a it's
either a cathedral or church. I don't know what it is, but
there's one in the centre of Bath and I was there and when I
was there. Bath Cathedral.
They were filming a porn video.
I'd say the cathedral they actually were.
There was a girl in a are. You being serious?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're not.
Pornos are an actual. What, no actual porn?
I say porn is a joke. Oh, I thought you just knew.
No. No, this guy so.
I was like, Oh my God, he was there, too.
So this woman was wearing an orange jumpsuit.
She had massive, massive, like, cartoonishly fake boobs.
Like they were about here. And there were two men on either
side, either side of her. And she had a massive, I don't
even know what you would call it.
But this size, I don't know if you would call it.
AI can't even say it. You know you.
Can't say it. It rhymes with Bilbo Baggins.
Not the Baggins part, no. So she had a massive.
One of those I. Can't say in case my mummy
watches. Adelda.
This size and the two guys were parading around her.
She was in the middle and she was putting in her mouth and
slapping herself in the face with it.
And I was trying to take pictures of the cathedral and
all my pictures. My girlfriend at the time was
like, get him for a photo and here's me, I'll send you the
photo, here's me and there she is.
I swear to God, I said the outside that has just, I totally
forgot that happened. That has triggered my memory.
That's what I saw in Bath. How long you in Bath were?
I was only there for about 3 days.
How wrinkled were you at the end of it?
I'm so sorry. I did go to the Roman bath when
I was there. Really.
Yeah. And apparently you have to keep
your clothes on just in case you go.
This is my gripe. I've been to so many saunas
recently where they go, it's naked and you get there and then
we're on a shorts on. You're like guy what?
A Well, I went to the bath and I went into the changing rooms.
I took off all my clothes. I looked like, you know, did you
ever see the wee August, the wee fat boy and The Simpsons who who
runs around as we tidy ladies? That's what I looked like.
So I just took everything off and I just stepped out of my
cubicle and was just walking to the baths naked and there's
everybody else full swimming suits and stuff and I just had
to casually. I think you're right.
I think they're the weird ones. Me too.
We're natural. Exactly.
And I had to casually just turn around as if I had just
forgotten something, you know, like my clothes.
I've just forgotten something. I had to turn around and walk
casually because I'm my wrong. I just walked back, casually
went back and put this woman's default back out of went.
Yeah, I, I think if it's an adult only Shauna, I think like
it's less weird to just put a tile down, just sit there like.
Yeah, no, this was not that. So there's actually like there
was quite a walk from the change rooms.
You also had the. Bath through the street for.
I actually had to go up about 3 stairs, like 3.
What do you call it? Three flights of stairs.
So I came out of the change rooms, out into the main
entrance, up three flights of stairs, up to the roof, and I
got there and everybody had their bathing gear on.
I was like, be right back, calmly walk back down the three
flights of stairs, back in the change rooms to get dressed.
But people make mistakes. I didn't know.
I assumed you don't get into the bath at home.
Put your clothes on, would you? No, no.
But then you don't do that. Did you get up there and be
like, you'll never believe it? Fucking swimsuits down there.
I literally just said I'll be back, I'll be back in a minute.
Yeah. And just turn them in.
But I am pathologically calm. I don't, I think nothing kind
of. I would never outwardly panic.
So it's just like I will be back.
I think they were panicked when they saw me.
Yeah. Appear.
Well, this was I was on. I was on a rooftop.
So the rest of the city of Bath could probably see me because
the one of the spas is on a rooftop so.
Well, this was the same thing, eh?
Was it? At this point, yeah.
We. Remember, and I walked in and
then because it specifically said like, you don't wear a
swimsuit too. So I went to walk in and then
went, all right, let's fucking cheers, do you?
But my stuff was literally on the other side of the door.
Snack a sauce when you run to. Well, we stay in the gay hotel
in this book, yeah. Did you?
Yeah. Do you do gay stuff?
It was called like Doctor Browns or something, no?
It's called Browns Hotel, alright.
I'm giving him by the way, he doesn't need.
Beautiful hotel. We should have known.
Well, of course it was like gay hotel.
It was like too nice and it smelled so good in the way and
there was like lovely, like lotions for your hands when you
walk. Straight man here, it smells
good. He was trying to explain to them
that I was in a room with Calvin and they were like, like he was
trying to have the deep guy and they were like.
Yeah, because you normally go in the hotels, you know, and you're
like, yeah, they're sharing together.
But like, you know, can we get separate beds for the model?
But like, I walked in there and I was like, you need to
understand the concept. These two men are sharing a
room. And they were like, they
literally. Yeah, yeah.
Put it, put it in my mouth. It's.
OK here, yeah, but. It was soon because then we we
were like, what's crack with this?
We're telling them we got up to the rooftop thing and it was
just a little like dudes like no one with hair in their legs.
And I was like, there's a vibe here and I like it.
We. Ruined ruined it for there's one
couple that said besides her and we came up there like I think
they were probably going to start snogging and stuff and we
kind of wrecked it for them. Yeah, You know, we're sitting
there with her. We white faces and all she just
first day in the sun. Yeah, don't want to burn.
No listening the, I thought. You were a bear.
Smoking. Yeah, I know.
I I'm big in the market. I know.
Because I was sending before we started.
You look like one of my brothers.
I have a gay brother but you look like my straight brother
and. Great emo band.
Yeah, my straight brother. My straight brother.
And he was coming up one time to Belfast.
But it was, it was the day of pride and he was coming up in
the bus and somebody says to him, oh, you a bear.
And he was delighted. Yeah, because he thought, well,
that must mean attractive to some people.
He was buzzing. I had a had actually a moment
many years ago in Kremlin that was sticks with me in terms of
of that. I went into on the toilets and I
was peeing just as you do. And and then came another fella
and he sort of like walked up to me and like sort of looked at me
and he goes, oh, it's not every day.
Get a cute bear in here and I'll stop.
But then he proceeded to like look over the urinal and we peak
and he goes, I suppose not everyone's perfect and just
walk. And I.
Was like, no, it's cool, Come on.
Yeah, you know. Bark Did that affect your
confidence? No, because I I you.
Already knew the. Bear thing.
Oh, you took the bear the. Bear thing because I tried to
take positives out of negatives. I should have turned around and
go, oh, I caught it in the bear trap.
Yeah. Did you thought about that
after? And you were like, he would have
loved that man. Yeah.
David, how was your? You were in Lanzarote at the
same time as my dad, which you didn't know until.
Yeah, because we joke about every time I'm in Lanzarote.
Your dad, I'll be there, but I think your dad's there what, 80%
of? The year my dad, You crushed
Dave's honeymoon. Yeah, yeah, he's in Lanzarote at
the same time and just his dad is.
He is he retired. Pardon.
Your dad, is he retired? Oh, finished work, Yeah.
Yeah, what did you think I said. I, I don't know, but he's like,
he's old like. He's old.
How old is he? 76.
That's not that old. Well, on the grandscape compared
to a child. The last year old compared to a
child? Yeah, exactly.
What about a 17 year old child? 20 years.
That's still a child shame. Yeah, yeah.
I don't need reminded of that. I mean in the in the scale of
the world. Yeah, it is all compared to
that. Do you have any siblings?
Yeah, do you? I always pictured you as an only
child. I was until I was like 12.
Oh really? That makes sense because there's
only child vibes, David. How was your Lancer only trip?
Good time. Was it nice?
It was nice. It was relaxed.
It was the nicest moment for you.
I was like, OK, the kids, lots, lots of ice cream and the kids
were at the kids club 1 morning and we went for this and took a
nice week walk along the promenade and sometimes the
promenade along the promenade. And then sometimes when you're
on holidays, you don't really know what time it is.
I felt the time. Oh, you're not?
You are so weird. And you do.
That tongue time. You're like how you think this?
Man, you definitely schedule in tongue time.
Oh my God. We went and stopped and had a
nice beer, a couple of cruise Campos in the sun.
That was just a nice moment. I looked at my clock and it was
10:00 in the morning and I was like that's a problem.
I wonder. No, not on holiday.
I was like why is it so quiet? Why am I only one?
No, I was wearing a pair of shorts and football top and a
pair of sliders. I just looked like a
stereotypical logger, like 10 more.
Right, two things, Time is irrelevant holiday, it doesn't
matter what time you have a beer and also money's holiday money.
Yeah, that's true. When you get home, that's when
you go. How do we spend that much on
that? But then see, whenever you're
also all inclusive, you lose track of.
I've never been. I've never.
I've only done half board because we don't drink like
really I've. Never even.
Does your partner wife, is it? Yeah.
Does she not? Well, I don't know.
I've never met your private family.
Yeah, just your. Public family does she?
What does she drink? Does she?
Does she the? Same as me like not not real, a
few not real. You know what?
When you're on holidays, the water doesn't exist, so you're
waking up. You have some strawberry
daiquiris for breakfast. You'll leave it a cava to start
your day. Strawberry daiquiris for the
pool. Sam Jones.
As a policy. I pretty much because no I don't
drink in holidays because I always get wild bad migraines
and if I'm dehydrated at all. I get them.
So then I so I don't drink in holidays because it's hot and
it's sweating. Drink more beer, it's good for
you. It's the ultimate hydration.
Absolutely, I hate beer. I had one sip of beer one time
and I was profusely I'll for about 3 days.
Well. I'm going on a stag this weekend
but I have the day after I get home I've Cork Opera House and
the day after that of SSE so. But you don't drink at all.
I do. Oh, you do?
I thought you didn't drink at all.
I thought you were a pioneer. Rarely no.
I thought you'd taken an oath. I actually thought that you
didn't drink at all. No, I do.
It's a waste of time. I'll have a couple.
Yeah, that's what they go about
him. What do you drink?
If you umm, well, I used to be a Guinness man and then the gluten
thing I would have a beer and now I'll have cider or a gluten
free beer or a cocktail. Oh yeah, very nice.
I like a hen do cocktail like. Yeah, I just like Jen.
Jen 7. I was a big Gen guy for a while
and then I just, I don't know, got bored of it or.
Yeah, but I had a moment with one of the staff in the place
where he came and asked me what I wanted in the two different
beers. One is called Alhambra.
And I was like, can I just have AI was like, come here a large
Alhambra and he went a large tequila.
You're crazy. I'm like, no tequila Alhambra,
please. Yeah.
And he just knew I was the Alhambra guy.
Like you ever seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall the film?
Oh yeah. It's one of my favourites.
See when the guy like gives him an extra Malibu and he goes, I
got I felt like I dealt with that waiter.
I just knew my lambrezzer. Anyway do.
You make you feel special. If you were Turkish, you could
get away with your name being a lambra.
A Lambra? Yeah, you.
Look at a guy called. The Lambra.
Yeah, but you know what I love too?
Every night in the hotel that entertainment now the last night
was unbelievable. Entertainment that was like
acrobats and stuff was wild in a.
Hotel Foye. Yeah, in Hotel Foye.
It was brilliant. See family, kids, hotels.
Yeah, they they do it well, like.
I must book 1 because I specifically book adults only so
there's no kids because just because they're very loud at the
pool. That's because you want to walk
around naked, you see, That's why I know.
When I want to play dolphins in the pool and the kids get
priority, people are like, move on.
They my kids are trying to handsome.
I'm trying to fucking. Speaking of dolphins, watch
Showgirls. So that was my dolphin
impression. That was good.
A lot of tongue time in your. Girls, a lot of tongue time in
your. Work see like family resort
holiday, summer holiday things, family resort holiday, summer
holiday things there's there's like shows every night and all
and there's activities through that It's brilliantly.
But shows like acrobats. Yeah, there was acrobats.
What else? What other?
Varieties like this is what I enjoyed.
There was the best ever Spanish singer I've ever seen, right?
It was like this, this guy just doing all the classics, you know
all. The classic Spanish.
No all classic English songs, but like with a Spanish twist,
we're getting some of the words slightly wrong.
Which was? Lego left out of hell?
It was what was the one he did a Tom Jones one.
I saw the light on the night I passed by the window and he was
giving it to the ladies now I saw the flickering shadow of
love on the life. You know I have a.
Really good voice too. My, my, my Malaya I.
Mean, if you actually know that song, it's really aggressive.
And for the worst, does he kill herself?
What? And then they're like.
My, my, my Delilah. Yeah, yeah, it cuts her up.
No, I don't know. He does.
I. Thought you just said he comes
around. He does.
Yeah, it's very dark and but then you put a nice sweet tune
to it and everyone's giving it all this.
Tom Jones, great voice. Yeah.
Oh, amazing. Amazing.
So, Steve, I'm really shocked by that.
Thank you. I don't know.
You were a singer. I'm not a just.
He's a white Tom. Jones.
Sure. Yeah.
So white. Sorry.
It's Tom Jones, not white. It's Tom Jones, not white.
He's the waiter. Tom Jones.
I'm the wider Tom Jones, yeah, but he's a.
Business guy. He's a business guy.
Me and this guy had a big business meeting this morning.
Did you this? Is the business guy?
Yeah, well, we're on. She's mostly.
Business. It's the most niche thing of all
time, which I don't even know if we should mention in the pod.
What is it? This is so the weirdest thing
you'll ever find out about, you know?
Can I get in on it? You.
Probably could, actually. There's there's a guy in Mollusk
who's got a new business set up and he sells right where he's
looking us to invest and we're. Quite done.
On to it. Oh, I might as well.
Invest. You know those wee gels that
like come inside packets like clothes and stuff?
Like silica gels that stop. Yes, I do know.
He has developed like a more efficiently cubed version of
that. So it could be it's cheap to buy
into and it could be worth a fortune, so.
That's very interesting. And every pair of shoes comes
with it. So like, well, actually go away.
We we will know more than most because I have to remove them
immediately because of the kill your dogs the silica.
Gel well, that's a good thing about the company we invested in
dog friendly. I'm always looking out for them.
I'm always looking out because I'm like, it's going to kill
Duggle and you know, I need him. So I'm always.
Looking at this guy, this guy was really negotiating today so
we're. You know what, if I can be
involved in a new business locally and it sounds like it
might be good for the few and we're all for.
Big silicon mogul like. Absolutely.
But yeah, we're. That Megan Bucks here, that's
some prep. That's impressive.
Thank you. But the guy we're trying to sort
a contract with sports directed them.
What? Why is he all sports actually?
Sorry, I shouldn't be sending no.
Is he making this up? No, he's why we can't call it
like. But yeah, don't.
What's your Sports Direct? Umm, we are still like a gaol
will go on all choose sold Sports Direct.
And we're trying. Oh wow.
That's the future. That's if.
That's if the jokes fail, Yeah. You know, we can fall back in
that. That's very impressive.
Yeah, that is very good. I hope that goes well.
Congratulations. I thought you meant, I thought
you meant sports directors and like you were going to be
advertising the clothes or something.
No, Jack, most more my kind of thing, yeah.
Oh, was it? If you could do a brand club,
any brand, what would it be? I don't know because I do
collect sports tops so and I also collect baseball caps and
trainers so. How many pairs, trainer?
I can give away so many pairs of trainers today.
My boot is like, and I mean, I have a big boot and my boot is
filled with clothes at the minute because I'm taking it to
the charity shop. But I opened it.
I opened it earlier and brought everybody down.
I was like, I look like a market trader.
I was like, step up and take whatever you like.
Look how nice. There's great gear there.
Well, I love I've obsessed trainers hats and to collect
sports tops as well. So maybe something closer.
I have a trainer's wall in my house and I have a hat wall and
I just, I just love them. How many pair of trainers Rough
ballpark didn't give? Over 100.
That's why. But I don't know if that's I
don't, I've always assumed that's a like an autism
collecting thing, you know, because I also have, I'm the
same with socks. I'm the same with like I am.
So yeah, absolutely Dave's toenails house phone.
I am so like if I get something that I like, so if I get these
trainers, I'll get them in every single colour that is possible,
yes. And I'm the same with hats and
oh, I just, I love what I love. Do you know what I mean?
So maybe something close related or maybe something dog related
would be a good collab. I think for me, for me and Big
D. Like a leash range?
Yeah, at least I mean for you, yeah.
Yeah, so a leash range. Yeah, I was in a wee.
I was in a wee market the other day, actually.
I brought Dougal down. Umm, sorry.
Nice. And soft if you ask him for you
touch your shoes. No, but I was.
She's fully rubbing my legs so I said no we're connected as.
Well, and it was the last last time I was on.
Now we're connected as well. You said people on the bus have
raised your elbow. Last time I was on the sofa it
was with William, but yes, so today on the sofa we have less
room. There was.
A chance that was optional for a long time.
I don't. I thought I've committed now and
I don't mean what do you, I mean both of us.
But you short circuit there. When I was pushed in the corner
like a wee bird. But we have to touch because
there's not. And he's obviously spreading, so
we are not you, your legs, your man's friend.
So I have to touch him with my shoe so he's allowed to touch
my. Shoe.
No, I was about to say. My arm around him the whole
time. I was about to say as a man,
it's difficult not to spread and I was going to say that's just
the way we sit and then look down at my legs and realise that
there's other ways. But normally like, but guys do
like, do you see that as like a lot of time when guys if you
want to say the phrase man, but do you think that's it an
intentional sort subliminal thing?
I think a lot of girls do, but I don't think that because I I
often say that No, no, but I mean I think.
Girls, I think crush your balls. I think girls, when guys do
that, think they're trying to be, but some guy and some
probably do, but I don't. I don't think Dave is.
But because if Dave wasn't doing it, I'd be doing it.
But I can't do it too much because Dave's doing it.
He's taking up the spreading room over here.
Yes, So. So yeah, I was.
What was he going to talk about before saying about you being?
On collections and bands. Yes, that's why we're, that's
why we're. Touching the short circuit.
No choice. But yes, so you said about the
leash thing. So I I took Dougal to a market
on Saturday. Get rid of them.
They sell them. No, I took them to the market
and it was down like it was in Belfast.
It was a wee like assistance dogs Northern Ireland market
thing and they were selling all these stuff and Oh my God, there
is this we that's what you stall and they were selling these like
custom made dog leads. I must say you'd like to.
They were so cool and so. What could you get on it?
Oh no. It was like all these different,
it was like all these different ropes all like intertwined and
to make them one dog lead. But it looked amazing, like it
was really, really nice. So I would do something.
I would do something like that or actually dog clothing
combine. My 2 loves dogs and clothes
because I have a wardrobe for my dogs and I thought you know if
the clothes not hanging up but I actually have a match in hoodie
with Dougal and Albie. I have two dogs.
You see, do they like to get the gear on them or do they, can you
tell when you're putting clothes on them that they're like, we
just will do this for her? Albie loves it, right?
So Albie will run and get his hoodie and I'll put it on him.
And once I put it on him, he's like, you go to sleep, right
Dougal? I don't put clothes on him if he
is furry but when he's shaved down he bees Chevron and
freezing and then when I put clothes on him he was like ah so
put away hoodie on. Underneath, you ever thought
about putting on central heating in the house?
Because it sounds like. Absolutely not.
You see the fuel prices? Absolutely not.
I don't like a warm house. No, I like being.
Do you like he likes? I like.
No, I like being cool at all times.
I like I like the bedroom mondo being open.
I like everything cool breezy. 100%.
That's what I like. Cold in bed, warm.
I like that. I like being warm elsewhere
where you know, like just downstairs you're.
What, like your balls? No like.
I like downstairs in the house, but in bed you need to be cool.
Yeah, like I like. No, not he'd get a fuzzle in
August. Like Cosy?
I wear warm slippers, but then cup, we're coming in the summer,
so I have to deviate from my slippers and the sliders.
Oh yeah, Because I need to have hard bottoms.
Because I'm always writing about the bins like Mr Harper.
What's your Victorian name? Yeah, Mr Hard Bottoms.
Go to the market and ask for Mr Hard Bottoms.
Because I'm I'm never out of the the going to the bins or to the
car for something. So I need never.
I'm never out of the. I just think it's a DA thing.
You're always going to the Benz, to and from the Benz, the car.
I'm always. I'm not a DA but well I suppose
I do have a single mum who works 2 jobs, got two dogs but I'm
always always at the buns. So you need a hardsool slipper.
I'm constantly and I'm here need to go to them.
I love going to the buns. Yep, I really do.
I'm. All for it, and I hate rubbish
accumulating so I get it. Yeah, it makes me feel like
there's some value to. Me.
Do what I like. Bringing down cardboard.
I've got good at that. Oh, what's your technique?
Like first of all I refuse to use like a wee knife or
anything. Oh, no, but I just, I just.
Fucking break it and fold it. What technique do you need?
Clip it. Did you have a good time with
Easter eggs there? Huh.
Good time with Easter eggs. Did you say clip?
It. That's it, That's the clip.
That's the one I. Thought you were saying clip it
like that was a technique you used that I was like, no,
what's? Wrong with technique, Fold and
break. And I just RIP it.
Yeah, what I do love is a big shove into the bend space.
Now the worst thing is when you do the shove, but it doesn't
move because of whatever way it's angle that so you don't get
that satisfying actual push down.
Yeah, but when you do get it, see when you save like 50% bend
space with a push down, there's nothing better.
Oh. You feel so.
You feel so full of yourself, Yeah.
I watch the show which with all it's called Harry's Something's
on iPlayer. It's this lady Harry that shows
you how to do stuff. She's scientist.
You might know her because I know you're, you're in the
science world. And she did a show on the Mac
there the girls went to. Oh.
Hi. Yeah.
How how to do them, how this stuff happens and I watched an
episode when she went to the recycling centre and ever since
that I feel bad about if anything's not on the right bin,
I said because there's a dude's job, he's literally just picked
the stuff that's. Right.
I watched it at the museum last week for the first time.
Is that with Ben Stiller? Yep, it's one of the best movies
ever seen in my life. Seriously unbelievable.
Is it a kids movie? Let me tell you.
That's a great segue by the way. Let.
Me. Tell you the cast.
Let me tell you a cast. Yeah.
Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Steve Coogan, Robin Williams, EH.
Ricky Gervais. Robin Williams.
Yep. When he was alive.
Oh, that's good. Unbelievable for brilliant
movie. Brilliant.
Really. Yep.
I might go. I don't like, I don't really
like comedy, but I might give it a go.
I might what? Like comedy?
No. You've told me this before.
I don't like comedy. We're in the like the death
ease, aren't we, though the way but.
That's the same Dave, we would know.
Well, I hear a lot of interviews of that would say about
footballer, especially more maverick footballers back in the
day and people will go. He didn't like football.
You would never watch football outside of.
Football Ben Wassokoda, for example.
Ben White. Yep.
People always say to me like who's your favourite comedian or
like, and I'm like Shane, who's your favourite comedian?
Who did you watch growing up? And I'm like, I never watched
comedy. I've never seen a a stand up
special. I don't like comedy movies.
I don't like, I like death and destruction, psychological
thrillers, true crime. I if I was sitting watching
comedy, I'm always like, if I do podcast, I'm like, why would
somebody watch this? Even when you're on it yourself.
So when I'm on a podcast, I'd be having a great time, but I would
never go, I would never watch a comedy podcast and I would never
listen to a comedy podcast. And I think it's because I do
not have the attention. Like obviously it beats all
conversation and but like I need I need someone to have died in
the first three months and I need to be and investigating
their death. I need there to be plots, twist,
turns. Do you know what I mean?
So I don't know if it's because it's too jovial for me and I
don't have the attention. I've never liked comedy.
Started a podcast. I die off the bat plenty of
times. Do you might watch yours?
But like, no, I never. People always say what's your
favourite comedy podcast? Favourite comedian and all.
I'm like. Do you have any like in like
your top drawer that you're like just to throw out the void any
further? What do you like comedy?
Well, people always used to say to me, like when I start out,
oh, you're like Victoria Wood. And I'd be like, oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah. But I didn't know who it was.
Yeah, I'm like, Oh yeah, she's she's class, but I didn't know
who she was. And then like a couple of years
and me doing it, I saw her video of the Jetta Barry and Freda.
You're the one that's let's do it, let's do it, do it when the
time is right. Umm And I, that triggered a
memory that I heard that as a child.
So, but I didn't know who she was and I didn't know she was a
comedian, but I just knew it was a funny song.
So, umm, I do like her now. I always loved when I was like
1516, I loved Bo Burnham, but again, because it was music, I
didn't see it as as comedy. And I love having the crack and
I love people are funny, but I've just never like, we never
watched comedy growing up. I just never thought they'd sit
down and watch it, you know. So it's, it's quite a new word
for me. And I do enjoy it.
But I like now because I wouldn't go to shows or
anything, but that's because I'm not that social.
Yep. Now, because I'd be doing gigs,
I'd be forced to go and forced to watch other comedians.
I like it. This is good Because you're
around more. Yes.
Do you know? Yeah.
And that's that's great to see. I'm going to tell you something.
See, at the minute right now, Emory Maguires take a selling
machine. Emma McGuire is a tech and
seller machine. Do you know, do you know what it
is? It's a free train.
And there's signs saying stop
and you know what you're doing? Drive straight through them.
I know my mom keeps saying like she's like this is great but
who's buying these tickets like. Moms are always there to keep
your level, aren't they do. You know, my mom does, right?
Do you know if I get hit comments online, my mom is like,
do you ignore them comments? Because I would get, you know,
comments maybe about being gay or being autistic, whatever.
No problem. We've discussed it's fine.
But they're all comments. But things are true.
But like my, like people comment, be like, you're fat.
And I'm like, I know I'm not playing.
I'm like, what? Do you just stay at the office
and like my mom be like, just ignore them comments.
Do not be listening to the haters.
Don't be. You know, my mom does.
She fucking screenshots them all and sends them directly to me.
Yeah. And she's like, did you see this
one? Yeah.
Did you see? Yeah.
And I'm like my you are trolling me at this point.
You, you are trolling me. Umm.
So yeah, come. From a good place because I have
friends. I think she's so horrified,
yeah. Yeah, because I've made to
unbeknownst to me, I try not to read stuff.
He was just balls deep and read it.
And just like you see us called where you're like, no.
And he's like, well. There it is.
Yeah. He assumed everyone would have
seen it. And I was like, no, he's like,
how have you not seen them? Like, because I'm outside.
Yeah. Well, I got I got a suggested
Reddit because I'm not on Reddit to read stuff about comedy, but
I I'm on Reddit so I got a usually about dogs and I got a
suggestion on Reddit. The only reason it was NA
comedians and I was like I'll click into this.
Poor other, just saying. Love this stuff.
We all got slagged massively. And then I thought nobody was
like me because nobody knows me. I thought I'm protected through
anonymity. Somebody, somebody wrote in and
I was good. I like that.
Somebody wrote in and says something like, what about that
New Girl? And I was like, I'm not new.
I've been around for a while and somebody says I like her and
all, but I absolutely cannot stand her accent.
And I thought you cheeky. I was so offended.
And then I was like, I know I probably have an accent compared
to use, but I thought he's only actually go to Strabane and hear
somebody with an accent because I do not have a Strabane accent.
Somebody else said something about they were at somebody.
A man said I was at a grand Opera House show and he's now he
did say it was very good and he says but the amount of cheering,
there must have been buses all up from Strabane.
And I was like, there was there was my mom was the only person.
And I thought, why are people so hateful?
And the amount of comments just about everybody.
Do you know what? I don't care why people have to
say something nice and then be like but also they even it out
to hear something. Just don't say it's all right.
I don't know. It's like people always say to
me. People always say to me like,
oh, you have a lovely face. And then they're just like, it's
like, that's not a compliment because you're saying the rest
of you stinking, but you have a lovely like.
Just your glasses are cool. Yeah, just give the compliment
and then just leave it. Yeah, Do you know what I mean?
But so. It is weird but also it's cool
if you like just think something.
I keep it to yourself. Yeah, because that's the thing.
I would never write something about somebody online.
It's horrible. I would just be like, I'm going
to keep that, see that thought. I'm going to keep that on.
Yeah, but you know, like you're not even properly raging.
You do it anymore because it's so easy to do.
Like back in the day, like you imagine raging you to be the
fucking a pen. I know.
Yeah, yeah. Or like.
Phone up, yeah, ring up and you be like, I want to complain
about something, but then any of these guys nowadays could, they
can't use phones. So like maybe you're like.
I got a comment the other day, it was on the picture of me and
my girlfriend. A really lovely picture.
And this guy just commented in capital letters underneath Stop
glorifying sin. And I was like.
I don't agree with a lot. I was.
Like it was so weird some random guy from from America stop
glorifying. I was like, it was so fun.
You'll go to. That's good use of language.
I haven't heard the phrase glorified sin in a while.
I'll. Stop glorifying sin.
Yeah, I thought it was pretty nice and somebody, I don't know
if I said this last time I saw somebody on before he messaged
me and he commented on one of my things and said the reason I was
autistic was because of the sons I'd committed from being gay.
And I was like, I was like, I don't think in the manual
psychiatric disorder, that's actually a direct correlation.
And I went on and found his all his details and found his
wedding photos and found his address and board them to the
guards for a dodge. A double hate crime?
Dot and what happened to him? I don't know, I think they went
out and had a word for them. I'm actually at hate speech
against two against disabled daddy.
Can you take a start to football?
Your daddy has to speak to the police here.
He's been saying things to women again.
He's been he's been saying about a fat lesbian online.
He's been he's been commenting on this stuff.
But and I hate kids and all and I thought do.
You know what would be a nice comment to hit back to?
People like that just under just right.
Are we troll? They would love that.
Yeah. Somebody wrote recently about
when I said about I put up a video just Dougal happened to be
in the video and he says, Oh my God, a dog for autism.
You're so lazy. And I'm saying, what do they
think Dougal's doing for me? I'm.
Like here to go just omelette. Me for me because I can't go and
drive the car. And I was like, what does he
mean? How does that make me lazy?
It's actually harder work. You have to look after them,
Yeah. What would be We're approaching
the summer, right? Yeah.
You're hosting a barbeque. Why you turn into little jaws?
What? Yeah, yeah.
Sometimes words and phrases come out of my mind and they just, I
don't know if they're stem, I don't know.
I can't control them. Yeah, yeah.
Right, we're approaching summer. You're hosting a BBQ.
Oh shame. I'm sorry but stop.
I got an amazing BBQ last year. It is a huge BBQ.
It's a full BBQ outdoor kitchen. Top of the range, top.
Of the range and I can't cook, but I BBQ.
I barbecued for everybody all last summer.
Oh my God, I'll have to invite you.
I thought you were going to say you bought it but you haven't
used it. But we would like to come round
for delicious like a big spread. But don't invite people we don't
know. Well, who?
Who do you know? Dave.
That's OK. I don't really like, I don't
like people, so I only like people that I have can.
Meet Dave and Willie, come right.
Absolutely brilliant. I don't really ever have men in
my house, but juice can come. That'll be fine.
But Williams? Afraid of?
Don't. Bring William and we will
desensitise him. He's not a flop.
No. Is he not?
He's such a chicken. No, it's dogs he's got.
My dog's bigger than William, you know.
Yeah, he's actually bigger than him.
I've seen him sure in those videos driving your car and
stuff. Oh yeah, please, yes, please
come around for a bar. What I'm saying is, it's 22°,
it's a Saturday afternoon. I might not have toppled it's.
3:00 PM You've got the the Bluetooth speaker set up.
Yeah, You've got to drop one song for the moment that it's
in. Yeah.
What is it? Yeah, Usher and Little John.
What's that song going to be? For summer.
For the summer BBQ, you're opening a few beers I.
Have a summer BBQ playlist? Are we thinking current
released? No, this is this is totally on
you. Are we thinking, sorry, I would
like to clarify, yeah, are we thinking chill background noise
or are we thinking as you guys are sitting out in my we're.
Arriving, you see us pull up. And I'm in an apron and holding
the tools ready to go. And I'm saying welcome to my
house, boys. Yeah.
And then you turn around, hit play, and this song goes on.
What is it? I would play my walk on song
which is a by Kendrick Lamar. That's a great shot and it goes
save or not. You're not cool.
It doesn't know. No, I don't mean though a whole
lot tragic, but I don't get thank.
You man about that. Mine was bad but then you saved
me. I love myself that one.
Yep, so good. That would be the entrance for
you guys. And then then I'm imagining a
film camera and it's all like shot shot, use walking in and
Kendrick is rapping. He could be there.
We could maybe have a live performance and then you come
out to the back and then I put in a pre curated Spotify
playlist, but it would be chill in the background.
We put on some West side or. Something I'm throwing on Isley
Brothers summer breeze. Summer.
Breeze makes me feel fat, I. Don't know what?
I see. I would like to have a full like
awkward moment while I hit play. So I hit play and I would pick
cutting crew. I just die in your arms tonight.
Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding.
Do you know? Whatever, I just died in your
runs tonight. It must have been something
shit. I think that's quite good.
But just the starts. Very atmospheric sausage.
Tintin, Tintin. Tintin.
Yeah, I would. Never reach the BBQ but I'd love
to go to 1. I'm vegetarian.
But you would cook meat for us. Oh yeah, yeah, great.
I have a separate area for meat. Yes, on the BBQ.
This is the meat corner here. Meat.
So yes, I've actually three separate areas.
I've got a meat there, I've got a vegetarian area and I've got a
vegan. What would you expect us to
bring? Oh yourselves?
Good vibes. Maybe some 7UP free.
That's my drink of choice. What about some sweet treat?
Oh, BBQ. Well, I'm not nibbles.
Nibbles. Oh, nibbles.
I'm not, I am not. Uh, well, what do you mean by
sweet treats? I'm not sweet, gal.
Some buns are we tribeck or anything?
But is that not tribex? Nobody started a.
Barbecue. Sweeties.
No, I'm not a sweet. I'll chips and dups.
Excellent sheeps and soaps. I love red Doritos and garlic
dip. Can you 2 please start a garage?
You're called chips and dips. You're like one with chips and
dips. Yeah, that's.
Right. Chips and dips.
We could be like those ones who went on X Factor and the guy was
like, move your body, Yeah. Yeah, this girl I might have
been. Those guys.
So yeah, maybe chips, chips and dips and I will make lots of
lots of meat, lots of chicken. Oh yeah, ribs make.
You sure? I could try.
Never made them before, but I could try.
You maybe need sign something I can't cook.
Do you know what I would bring separately?
What? We either a tuna steak or are we
salmon filled? What?
No, I've never eaten fish in my life.
Fish in a BBQ fucking. Unbelievable.
I've never eaten. Which at the time I mark it, was
rotten. Awful, remember?
The timeout mark. Was covered in a weird sauce.
But then it wasn't cooked right. So it was like seared in the
outside, but all like soft and Luke warm inside and it was like
the inside of a shooter steaks all like it was gross.
It was like, I know it was like licking somebody else's tongue,
but you have to like grab their tongue.
Just lick it. Not like kissing them, but like
you've grabbed their tongue and then you're going.
Guys, thank you very much for watching.
Listen. That's so gross.
Well, definitely he's coming off the BBQ.
Yeah, No, I would, I would. You could totally taste test
some of the veggie stuff, the veggie sausages and the veggie
burgers. I do do not taste like they're
not veg. They don't taste like veggie.
They. Taste like mate.
But they taste like mate. No, they do.
Do doctor if it tastes like meat.
Typical truth. Your tongue is really really.
Do you? Like hello me.
Oh, I used to do sweet. Chilli halloumi on the BBQ.
Why can't you call me? Because cheese.
Oh, you. Know what I mean?
Can you not? Are you lactose intolerant?
I made a roasted halloumi salad with chickpeas and couscous.
Was that good? Are your friends?
Hello, that could be two of your friends.
You could bring you could bring a salad.
I'll bring that salad. I'll bring beverages.
Yes. Oh.
Like Pipeman over. Here with the beverages, I
think, yeah, if you I'm. Not.
Hitting on you? Yeah, I always.
I do. I always like seeing gay.
And then I like that because you're very comfortable with
yourself. Is that me, darling?
No, you're a little bit. What's a compliment?
And probably as gay as the next guy who's gay as the next game,
man, Absolutely no, I wouldn't like that like.
Would you know? No, I understand.
Me neither. I also said to grow Farley once
and even if I was trying to do it, I couldn't.
I don't even think I could wank off a guy because I'd have to go
round his I. You know, POV games when you're
doing rally games, driving. I can't play when you're
watching the car. I need to be the car, so that's
why I couldn't face a guy and wank him off.
You'd have to come down to my side and like move this way a
bit. So he would have to like, lie
alongside you, right? OK.
I mean, that's still pretty gay. For us, that anyway, I know.
Yeah, that's maybe arguably gayer.
That's probably gayer. I want to behind me.
I like babes like I. No, me too.
I understand. Like people, like guys have
always said to me, like, how do you know that you wouldn't like
to have sex with a man? And I'm always like, well, how
do you know you wouldn't want to sex a man?
And then they're like, oh, I get it here.
Who's who's your knob and OB #1 babe?
Like celebrity? Yeah, like who's your crush?
I've got two that I've had for my whole life long.
Who are they? First one's Meryl Streep.
Classic there. Good, I will.
I'm glad you've been sending negative with her because she is
a beautiful woman and my other one who I discovered in primary
school, I was watching an episode of friends and Jennifer
Aniston came on with her T-shirt and just her T-shirt and I
thought what the I feel really weird and I have loved her ever
since. I think she's so beautiful.
You got so weird to turn to that Trump.
I feel really weird. White T-shirt birthday she's.
She is, yeah. Jennifer Merrill.
I was a Gunther guy. Did you fancy him?
He's nice. He's dead.
Or AP. So yeah, they're they're my two.
What about you? Kelly Brook was my favourite.
Really should be too tall for me.
Yeah, not that I have a chance. Do you know I this wasn't my
like #1 crush, but I liked Melanie Blatt from All Saints.
Who? Mel Blatt from All Saints.
I don't know her. She's.
Probably saying the least out of them all.
No, she was maybe the number one singer in all scenes.
Actually, I think she was the main.
That's that's triggered by quite like Rachel out of S Club 7S
Club 7. I loved her we eyes.
I think so many people fancied her so much that it kind of put
me off a bit. Yeah, because I really liked
her. She was big on the playground
scene at the time. People are like, oh, this babe.
And I hadn't seen her yet. And then I saw her smash.
It was like, what's all the fuss about me?
Yeah. And then people are like, no,
you're wrong. And all I was like, and I felt
like I got bullied because of her so I maybe didn't like her
that much. After that I was like, I can I
could see she's a good looking woman, but not for me.
Not for you, no, no, I did like her, but I can't think of any
other celebrities that I actually.
I wouldn't say don't like the celebrities.
I wasn't no, I wasn't Big Who? Is your woman from the cruise G
and. Crusaders.
That does all the singing. G McDonald 100% be able, do you
know? What?
Fair enough. Absolutely beautiful.
There's something about her, yeah.
Oh, she's got here. As well like Shakira.
But then Shakira freaks me out a wee bit.
She'll be. Like.
Yeah, it's sort of like, you know the guy.
She's very. Good, not similar.
I do like her. Yeah, no, she is.
She's a. Puncher bicycle on a hillside.
You sound like Kermit the Frog. There.
You do that was. Shakira do, Morrison do.
Your hips again, A little lag. That's very erotic, isn't it?
Yeah, it is quite erotic. It's hypnotic.
You're that is the word hypnotic.
You're like we stick there, slither in.
Our You are like a snake. Like a wee cheese string, that's
what. We cheese snake.
Oh my God. Snake, cheese snake.
We cheese snake over there. I have.
To go now, Emer, what would you like to plug and promote?
What I like to plug up for, I have a tour coming up and so
it's my first proper tour and so I've got shows in the North and
the South Cup of England and Scotland as well for the first
time. So we're excited, so please come
to that. Tickets are on my website.
Which is Emma Wire. Dot com English belt, the Mer
for people who say it's not real name.
That's that's how you get it. So please come.
And you started a new podcast. I started a new podcast see
James. She is such a.
Chatter, cheese, snake, pee, or. Something.
She's my son's favourite show and see babies who.
Midlights his strings, the puppet.
So yeah, I've got a new podcast called Classer Pass, which is
it's just me and my own. My girlfriend really wants me to
have guests. I'm too socially anxious to ask
anybody to be a guest, but maybe you too will.
Come on. It's ASK ME.
That'll be good. Come on Shane, my podcast.
Of course I do it. If it's BBQ, let's tie both in.
Is that you record at your house?
No, but I can do for the BBQ or we just have BBQ.
So yeah, it's called class or pass.
So it's on everywhere and we talk about different topics, say
if we think they're class or pass or whatever.
So it's fun. Emigration.
David Yes. What do you like?
I am also going on tour starting the end of August and I'm also
got dates up north, down South England, Wales, in Scotland.
In. Wales for the.
First time going. To Swansea and the tickets are
available at DA Valley comedy.com and then the Slag I
podcast is moving to a Sunday so you go check that out.
Yeah, release date. Sunday Slide guy.
Sunday. Slide guy Sunday.
Yeah, that's nice. Shit.comedy.com and in American
Australia. Thank you.