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October 8th and 9th. Zippers, welcome to this episode
of the Tea with Me podcast. With me, She and Todd buzzing
for this episode. Honestly, in three years of
doing this podcast, never been more excited for an episode.
And we're going down to actually in real time when we're doing
this, we're going down to do it now.
So I'm a very giddy young boy. My guest is Bert Kreischer, one
of one of the biggest comics in the world.
I went to see Bert in Dublin. Me and Aaron Butler went down
about four years ago. We was playing Vicar St tonight.
The reason we've got him for the podcast is as well as being a
huge team with me fan, he's playing a three arena in Dublin.
So we're going down to do an episode with him before the show
and it's just wild that we're doing this.
I asked him to the podcast, didn't expect a yes.
And here we are. This is huge for the podcast.
Bert is a stand up, a podcaster. He does podcasts with Tom
Segura. He does his own podcast called
The Bird Cast and he's got a movie coming out called The
Machine, which a lot of people will know Bert as a stand up as
one of the America's top comedians.
And I think a huge thing that went viral for him was a clip
called The Machine. YouTube it if you haven't seen
it. Where he talks about a school
trip he went on to Russia and that is now being turned into a
movie. If you haven't seen it, watch
it. If you've seen it, watch it
again because it's one of the best stories ever told.
And when we went down to see his gig in Vicar St, me and Aaron,
it got towards the end of the show and he just asked the
audience. Like a few people were shouting
it and he was like, yeah, here we go.
He finished with it and I think as AI already was a fan, but I
warned him so much as a stand up at that point because I was like
this guy just wants the audience to have a great time.
I told it and you could tell like everyone knew it and they
loved it. It took the roof off and there
was people there who hadn't heard it and they were just
rolling about in the eyes. So this is this is mod.
This is mod that we're doing it. I mean, you know, Bert's a guest
on tea with me this week. He does Joe Rogan quite a lot.
You know, it's, it's going to be a little bit of a, it's got a
little bit of a culture shock when you go from GMA to die.
But yeah, I'm, I'm so excited to do this.
And, and this is what this is what I wanted to do with this
podcast for a long time is comics and people that are
coming over to Belfast or Dublin wherever to do shows or when
they're filming something. I want them to come to this
podcast because, you know, we, I want this to be the local
comics, the Belfast acts, the boxers, whoever we have on the
people that you love. And then I want to mix it up and
also have huge names on like this and just be in a being a
scenario with them where hopefully they're not being
asked stock questions and that kind of thing and we are just
having a cup of tea. Maybe you see them in a in a
different way than what they're used to.
Bert Kreischer's doing tea with me.
This is madness. We also have to of course plug
our Patreon which patreon.com/team With Me
podcast. We do the bonus episode, we do
live stream on a on a Friday, and we put post exclusive gig
news up there as well. We'll put the SSE Arena tickets
for Team With Me live on sale there before everywhere so you
can come check that out. We're sponsored by Nord VPN.
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They've got the lawnmower 4.0 These guys have ball cleanser,
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they're on it. They're on your balls.
These guys love it. They do colognes, they do
deodorant down in the in the 1L studios bathroom, there's
Manscape deodorant, which is the nice touches wee basket full of
like different products and there's hair product in there
and it is a hair product I use, but I won't use the one we have
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I'm free shipping. Before I explode my not like
that, let's introduce this episode of the Tea With Me
podcast. My guest is the one and only
Bert Kreischer. Bert, you drink tea.
No, you know what's so funny is as a kid I loved tea.
Like that was the first grown up drink I could have.
Like what? Like what?
Because that's weird for a kid to be on tea.
So my my my aunt, my great, great grandmother was Iris.
Her name was Fang and. First name.
That's what we called her Fang there.
I guess there was like ATV show called something in Fang and
they she reminded everyone of her and she would have tea with
sugar and milk. Yeah.
And so then she introduced that to me and I was like, dude,
fucking. So that's not common in America.
No. But see, I find that weird.
What? Did not have milk and sugar with
tea. Oh, I, oh, I, I bet it wouldn't
have been. It would have been normal.
Now everyone's so diet conscious and that no one would ever
fucking do that. But I loved, I loved tea with
Milky sugar. I fucking loved it.
My my granny used to leave me like a little bit of her tea
back in the day which is gross but really nice.
Like 3 sugars. I saw I saw a documentary on the
guy who started Virgin Airline. Richard Branson.
Richard Branson And it was so interesting to me the in the
middle of the documentary, they're like everyone's working.
And he was like, you know, he's like, can we just break to all
have a little tea? And I thought, what the fuck?
Like, what a weird thing to do. But I guess it's customary.
I guess it's like, you know, if you do that, if that's how you
grow up, then that's what you do.
Our thing in the States would be like, what's that noise?
You pumping in gas here? I don't know.
Do you hear that? Yeah, it sounds like a like a
jungle or something. Is it those pipes again?
Or is it? I have by the way.
I have no power to stop this. I have no power to stop it
either. No, but I I think.
I would just roll yeah. Yeah, yeah, I was just rolling.
They're not hearing it. The.
I just think it's such an interesting thing.
I wish I had it 'cause I like treats, I love treats, right?
And I and, and tea would be a great treat to be able to put
in. Do you get a buzz off tea?
Like caffeine? Like you wouldn't believe for
real, I just before I go on stage, cup of tea.
No, Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds so gay.
That's like, that's like you. Know what I do?
Can I be honest? I because I like, you know, if I
get too much adrenaline before I go on, I I'm not as good.
I like to be a little bit laid back walking on.
I have a cup of tea and I iron whatever shirt I'm going to wear
backstage. So if you see me 5 minutes for
going stage, I'm ironing with a cup of tea.
Secret time My favourite thing in the world was ironing.
My favourite thing when I wore shirts on stage was to iron a
shirt before the. Show therapeutic.
It's so fucking different. Can I tell you my favourite
thing that I I don't miss it. Now I I got to say it's Ari
Shaveer. Should we answer?
It tell him you're with me and I'll pretend you should know who
I. Am hey, what's up?
What's up, bud? Nothing.
I'm doing a podcast.
What are you doing? Oh.
You sound, you sound like when you call in on radio and they
say we're going to get you on in a second.
You sound like bad boys. No, I'm doing, I'm doing tea
with me with Shane Todd. It's in Ireland.
I'm in Ireland. You'll know it.
Oh nice bro. Yeah.
What's up, Barry? All right.
Well, here, here, Shane wants to say hi.
Hey, Ari, how's it going, mate? Hey do.
You ever listen to Big Les? Pardon, Ever.
Watch Big Ledge. Yeah.
Watch Big Ledge cartoon. Yeah, yeah.
You sound like sassy. Oh, I appreciate that, Ari.
I'm going to say I can say you've been on the podcast now,
which is sweet. So I'm crediting that.
That's fair. You can't understand what I'm
saying. Appreciate it brother.
I can't no just because that you sound like sassy and big ledge I
can understand totally. OK, alright.
Yeah, you. Can say I'm on the podcast use
me on the thumbnail. OK, yeah, tell him I'm.
Gonna call him I I want I need to talk to him.
Tell him I'll call. I'll.
Just want to call you back, Ari. OK.
Thanks for being on team with me tell.
Him like AIDS is not a killer anymore.
It's like you can live with. It first of all, first of all,
I've never believed in AIDS. Give me this.
I've never, I've never I've, you know, I have a real fucking
issue with this AIDS fucking agenda being moved forward in
the 80s because they were selling it to me like I was
going to get it at homecoming. You're a virgin.
I. Was a virgin.
I thought I had AIDS. I had sex with the first chick I
ever had sex with and I was like, I've got full blown AIDS,
I've got full blown AIDS. My dad's like, buddy, that's a
fucking freckle. Calm down.
All. Right, we're going to have tea.
I, I'll, I'll talk to you later. Call me back after crumpets.
All right, bye. You.
You take milk. I I would never I because.
I will. I'm being I'm I.
Will. I'm just can I make this the the
make? It make it yeah, OK.
You're not driving tonight, right?
No, because this. Is full fat milk full fat milk?
I have almond milk, so I'm going to start mine first.
Is that OK to go? Yeah.
Of course. Yeah, what the fuck?
So you do you do almond milk in yours.
Yeah, yeah, this guy this like gonna ask the mice.
Oh. This is and then you put sugar
in there to just do it with milk.
No, no, you can't. You can't I I used to.
Yeah, yeah. I won't do it.
I'll do it like this. OK so is this your first like
this first couple like Irish tea or British tea like?
Yeah, I would. I went through a tea phase.
They opened like a police place called Teavana.
And I like treats like, I like, I like, like, I'm the kind of
guy that would be like, well, I should buy a pipe today, you
know, or I'm going to get into, I'm going to get into
cigarillos. I and, and the ritual of
something, the setting something up like, so this place Teavana
opened and you could pick different flavoured teas and
you'd smell them and they'd smell fucking amazing.
And, and then they'd teach you how to steep them.
And then you'd, and then I was like, I'm going to be a tea
person. And then this guy, Doug Wilson
was like, Oh yeah, I went through a tea phase and he goes
the fucking boiling water's a problem.
And I said, really? And he goes burnt the fuck out
of my daughter's arm. She knocked over my tea.
And then I was like, God damn it.
So then I got away from tea. I'm a, I'm not even really a
coffee guy, to be dead honest with you.
I only do coffee. I may do coffee to, to wake up
for a show. I like to have a cup of coffee.
I know I was going to tell you my favourite thing I miss from
touring, my favourite thing I miss from touring.
And I always say this like, I, I appreciate it.
I don't want it back. I like where I am, so I don't
want to put that in the universe that I want to go back there,
but I'm I genuinely miss on Sundays in the states.
This is my and, and I think any comic in the states will will
get this Sundays waking up, going to subway like right by
the whatever, whatever sandwich shop or whatever thing was right
by your hotel, walking it back to your hotel, taking your bag,
emptying it out on the bed, emptying your backpack on the
bed, putting on football, having your iPad, your your laptop and
your phone set up with your fantasy football team, your
pickams league. Everything's set up.
And then slowly throughout your Sunday, repacking your bag,
organising, getting ready for next week, possibly even doing
laundry at the hotel so that you could pack your bag, leave it in
the foyer and then pick it up on your way out.
That fucking Sunday ritual and then and then, and then, and
then taking a little bit of a nap at like 4:00, waking up at
5:00, going to the gym, working out, going to the club at 7 and
and having your first cocktail. And I used to, what I really
used to love to do was pick a drink and then drink them out of
it. So I'd go White Russians.
Today's White Russians. Just you, by the way, no.
No, no, no, the the thing. So I'd go up and I'd say I'd say
it's white, White Russian Sunday and and I'd get up on side.
Man, I really I'm, I'm, I genuinely loved doing clubs.
I love, I love stand up, but the act, the act of having a party
every night, throwing a party for myself every night was so
such a fucking treat. And I'd go, I'd get on stage and
I'd say, everyone, I'm drinking White Russians tonight.
Order yourself a White Russian. We're going to drink them out of
White Russians. And people start going White
Russians, White Russians, and then we drink them out of White
Russians and and, and, and, and I remember, I remember them
saying, I remember Dave Stroop going like, that's a great I can
sell. Why Russian?
You just made me a fucking load of money.
And then I knew I'd come back because I'd made the money
drinking. Right, right.
See, when you're an Irish comic like that, anytime I do a show
outside of Ireland, especially in London, they will always come
up and say the bars. They're like your audience drank
the bar. Oh yeah.
Like like I do Leicester Square Theatre in London, which is a
real nice venue and they always like they speak to their
supplier when when I book a gig in and they get more booze in
'cause the the the Irish crowd just like.
This is something I could I could talk about for for an
entire weekend of podcasting. I it was how it was how I
started getting successful in stand up was that I knew I could
sell drinks. Dave Attell, you know, Yeah,
yeah. Dave Attell told me one time I I
came back from Houston, the last last stop and he goes, how'd you
do? I said good.
And he goes, what were your bar sales?
And I said, ha, And he goes, dude, they were they drinking?
And he goes, let me tell you something.
You can't, I can't tell you that they're going to know what
comedy is the the owner. But I can tell you this.
If you have high bar styles, you're coming back.
And that fucking stuck on me. I filled a private jet with Dave
Attell and I got to explain to him on this private jet how much
he imprinted the way I not only ran my business, the way I lived
my life and the way I did stand up, the way like my integrity on
comedy and how I believe comedy's like great.
Stand up is the thing you have to do first.
Secondly, you got to look at this as a bit like I, I broke it
down. Me, I'm in big J sat on a
private jet. Everyone was there.
That's all I talked to. There's a picture.
I it's one of my favourite pictures, them sitting right
across from me. And but yeah.
And then so I, I started going into clubs and I would focus on,
I would focus on drinking and I'd have them bring a bucket of
beers on. I'd take a bucket of beers on
stage with me. I'd do shots.
The audience wanted to do shots. And I got to the place where I
was doing clubs and I was so proud.
I was selling out alcohol like they you couldn't start on.
I remember we had a Saturday, Saturday morning show the night
before. Joe Flacco, the quarterback for
the Ravens, showed up and we we stayed Friday night until like 4
in the morning at the club. Saturday.
They went to start the show and they couldn't start it because
they didn't have alcohol, they didn't have any beer.
They ran out of tequila. They were like, we're waiting
for our vendor to show up. And so then, OK, so then that
was my thing, right? Knock.
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on Hulu. I do a festival called Fully
Loaded and if you want to talk about taking to the next level,
we drank stadiums. Because there's some baseball.
Stadiums, we set record attendance at all our venues,
right? Well, it's, it's a cheat code
because for a baseball game, we can't sit people on the infield.
So it's like we set record attendance, but it's like, Oh
yeah, well, no one's going to break that record.
Boom. We drank them out of beer.
The beer coolers were empty and
there were cups on the fucking tabs upside down.
We drank them out of fuck. And I remember thinking, that's
fucking crazy. I had a fucking someone pull me
aside and go. Do you feel, do you feel like
you have a responsibility to your fans to kind of save their
lives, like get them to lose weight?
And he's like, no, it was, I forget who it was.
He was like, he goes the thing, whoever this was, he was like,
the thing that frustrates me about Rogan is he preaches
smoking weed. He's like, but not everyone's
Joe Rogan. Not everyone can smoke weed, get
in a deprivation tank, have a panic attack and find it useful,
right? Like that.
Joe loves that. He loves when his brain starts
talking in cartoons and and he's watching them fuck each other
and and he loves that. He loves it.
And I never speak for Joe. I speak for him on this.
He loves it. I don't like that.
So I weed doesn't work like that for me.
But no one, not no one, but not very few people have what I have
where I can drink all night and then wake up and work out hard
as fuck and get get a lot of shit done.
And and so I remember him saying that he was like, he's like, Joe
has a responsibility when he talks about weed.
He should have a responsibility. You have a responsibility with
alcohol because he was not everyone doesn't cheat on the
wife doesn't drink and drive doesn't like they're a little
few few key things I throw in my life where I go keep these keep
these sacred and then you can do whatever the fuck you want Yep
Yep, I like. The idea that in 100 years, I'd
say the baseball stadiums, there's a statue of you people
are like what? It will position that this guy
player like reading my fucking brain.
You want to start. You know the difference between
me and. Segura is.
He doesn't care if anyone remembers him right.
I care. Well, no.
If you find out that it costs like $80,000 for a bronze
life-size statue and you would you fund it?
Well, hold on. What do you think?
I like it. I like it, you know you like it.
I like it. You feel a little.
Something in it? No.
Yeah.
You feel your ancestry in that? No, I do but.
All of a sudden, my, my, I've got triggered as soon as you
said that because I went back to already drugging me and I was
like, oh fuck guys, we just walk on the devil into our house.
No, I. If someone has to tell the
audience, like she and Todd slipped this guy a little too
much day, we should do what you do to the clubs with it.
We should fuck the Starbucks around the corner.
And you walk on with that and say to everyone, we're getting
tea after this. At the interval everyone hits
that Starbucks put them out for the weekend.
If you if you find out it cost $80,000 to get a life-size Braun
statue. If you would you fund 1 outside
of baseball stadium that just gets to stay there permanently
outside one bit? Yeah, I'd put them all over the
place. I would put them all.
I would like to put statues in me everywhere.
And people go. What the fuck is that anyway?
I love I I definitely want like I want a statue of me sugar and
I were fucking around about it. I want one at Florida State,
like where I went to College of me, like I want to be a good
luck statue. Where like do you ever see that
statue where the they it's a poet and they fuck his his Dick
is he has a hump of a Dick in his leg and it's he he brings
fertility to you. So women trying to get pregnant
go there and grind on that Dick and they get pregnant.
I would love that for me, like if you rub my belly you don't
get a DUI and I'm right outside a bar and everyone just rubs my
belly. Can I?
You know that we're in Three Arena right now.
Can I tell you like a Horror Story from a gig I did here?
This is so bad. Like late last year Kevin Hart
played here. Oh fuck, he came.
To do a. Movie in Belfast, three months
he lived in Belfast and he's getting ready for his tour, so
he wanted to do like little work in progress shows.
Within 24 shows I opened for him.
Then we did. He did 24 shows here.
Yeah, in, in. Belfast in like 100 cup.
Oh, OK, OK, you just put my. Career in such perspective, I go
he did 24 shows here. I have a hard time selling one
out and he's did 24. Yeah, but you're getting the
statue. Yeah.
So, well, his statue's a little. I would love statues and all
around they had. They just put them inside roller
coasters. You have to be this tall.
I love Kevin so. We do the do like these 24
intimate shows in Belfast and then we finish with the rates.
We do 3 arena here and the in like my local arena in Belfast,
the SSE. So we come here and I've never
played to like this many people before.
My biggest was maybe 3-4 thousand at this point and he's
coming here parked house and the whole the 24 shows have been
like great, like so good. I do 20 minutes before him and
it's usually a 20 minute set, but I usually get a queue of
like Kevin's ready to go on, sometimes 20 minutes.
Sometimes I've got to fill an extra 510, whatever.
And they flash me to be like he's ready to go on and I'd be
like you can fucking wait. I never, I never said that.
I was always like no problem, I can go on.
So I'm doing the arena here. It's great set, it's great time.
I've got the adrenaline. I've had three T's right.
So I'm like a little bit out of it and then I finish on my last
joke and I look at the side and there's no one telling me like
more time. So I go, ladies and gentlemen,
you ready for the man you're here to see?
And I've never heard that many people go.
I said please welcome. The stage, the one the only
Kevin Hart. Now.
Sometimes when I introduce him at the small shows, he'd walk on
and we'd do like a little handshake or sometimes he'd wait
for me to walk off and then he'd come on.
So I like get and the place pops and I'm like, oh, tonight he's
waiting for me. It's the arena, so he wants to
come on by himself. I walk off, his music hits big
Kendrick Lamar track. All the visuals start when I
walk off side stage. He's not in the vicinity, like
he's not in the backstage area. The crowd are going nuts.
I stand there, but 20 people crew or no one's saying
anything, just looking at me. I'm like, fuck, do you want me
to go back on to the promoter and make you want me to go back
on? He's like, I want you to do
nothing. We stand there.
Someone's a way to get him. The the pop has slightly come
down the track, right? Which is really supposed to be
like 10 seconds is winding down. You know, like like the tracks
like it's kind of like getting an instrumental part of it.
The crowd are like, what's happening here?
I was like gone. I'm like, I'm not going to
because the next night we're supposed to do Belfast.
I'm like, they're going to cut me from that.
Yeah, we're with the same agency.
I was like, they're going to drop me and I understand.
I was like, I accepted. OK, keep going, but I'll tell
you the answer is no to that. But keep going, I'd accepted.
All of it. I was like, I'm done, you know
what I mean? Like I'm done.
Maybe I can start a tea business or something.
Yeah. Then like what feels like an
hour later, but it's like 2 minutes, he arrives and the
promoter goes go back on. I walk out.
Ladies, gentlemen, welcome to H Kevin Hart crowd pops again.
He goes on. He addresses it at the start and
it's never mentioned again. But that whole set that he when
he's on, I can't enjoy it because I'm like, I have fucked
his career. No, no, no.
I thought I'm like he's he's going to like beat me up, but I
don't have to let him. I'm like I'm done, like I'm
totally dumb and it was just never mentioned.
Yeah, but I thought honestly, like it was the worst, like it
should have been the best night, but I just could.
I was like I fucked. It didn't did.
Rosebud do that for me. I was going to ask.
It what? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's. But that I don't.
Here's the beauty of our job here is the absolute beauty is
that in order to be Kevin Hart, he had to be you.
Yeah. Right.
And in order for me to be Kevin Hart, I got to be me right now.
So like and I had to work the door and Kevin had to work the
door and we all had to work the. So like we all understand the
massive fuck ups we do. So only cunts, real cunts, real
cunts. And it's the kids that get
gifted a career at like. At like 20.
Three and they they get discovered by something and then
they get plugged into something and then they do a special and
and they don't really and I I mean earn it and I, I think
people maybe I won't understand this, but comics understand it.
Sometimes people are like kind of giving a career and then they
treat everyone like assholes and and the whole industry goes
against the the comics are like fuck that guy.
And then when they get cancelled, everyone's like
couldn't have him do a nicer guy.
And so but that's the beauty is that Kevin had to be you to be
Kevin today. And and trust me, Kevin is AI
mean. He's a he's a mogul, he's
fucking next level. He's an inspiration, but he was
also a fuck up comic too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's Rosebud Baker did that to me and you just he introduced.
You and you just weren't there. She.
Was she was?
I can't remember what it was, but she, she, she fucked up.
And then she was stewing in the back thinking I'm getting fired.
And I came back and I was like, I would never fire you.
Do you have any idea how many times I did that?
Yeah, yeah, how many times I would go.
I remember I brought Janine Garofalo on stage one time and I
said. I got it was a.
Line up and I got a lit. I got a thing and I said Janine
Garofalo and oh, oh. This isn't a pirate.
Ship we have a woman and she need garofalos in the back like
huh? And I go move some Dicks over.
Ladies and gentlemen, she And she wouldn't shake my hand.
She wouldn't shake my hand. Not like being a Dick.
I think she was trying to do a bit out of it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, You know. And then I've met her since you
don't know that till the end of her.
Set. You don't know that until the
end. State you're like, I fucking
ruined it. And then you have cunts, like
real cunts. I remember there was a guy, I
think his name is Alan Havey. He was so, so mean to me.
I, I, I don't know if that is who it is.
I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure.
Yeah. He's not going to listen to
this. I'm almost certain he mocked
podcasts with like he was. I remember asking him.
I remember asking him, I was a young comic.
And This is why I think it's so important when, if you have any
little success, to lose your ego 100% when you're in a comedy
club and be everyone's the same. Because I said, hey, man, what
do you want me to say about you? And he goes, are we being
serious right now? And I said, yeah.
And he goes, Emmy award-winning writer.
How's that work for you? And I went cool.
And I just was like, Emmy award-winning, right?
And like, I don't fucking know who you are.
Before we had phones that you could Google shit.
Yeah. And so that's happened.
That shit's happened to me. See that?
Like backstage? Environment where like
everyone's equal. I did the Comedy Cellar in
Vegas, yeah. Can I, can I, can I tell you
something? Absolutely.
So one of the one of my highlights of my career and, and
we all, we all have weird highlights, things that make us
excited for our success. I was in Vegas with my family
and I got a call from Estie who books the Comedy Cellar in New
York. I started in New York.
I got passed at the Cellar in like 2000, maybe 2001, beginning
of 2001 by Manny. I think Manny, her brother.
My could be off on all this. Manny since passed, but I got
passed by Manny when I did stand up there.
But I never worked there because I lived in LA and I was like,
fuck, if I had done this. I told Manny.
I said if you would pass me six months earlier, I would be
living in LA right now. I would be living in New York.
I would be a New York comic. But Este was like always like it
was like she was like almost like like Miss Mitzi, like like
a fucking. She changed her career.
I was on vacation with with my family in Hawaii.
I got a call from SD and she said, Hey, Bert, I would love
just a voicemail. I would love to get you to work
at our club. You know, whatever.
We have a club in Vegas and and Bobby Kelly tells me we got to
get you in there and I and you know, you're so fun.
I was like, I was like, it was like the I don't remember being
on vacation with my family in, in, in Hawaii being like to my
wife. Este just called me.
Yeah, she's a legend. She's a legend.
I don't.
I wonder if she knows how much people.
I'm so sorry. Tell me your Comedy Central
story or No, no, no. Tell me about that first.
No, that's that's just. You went over.
I was like I was. Like fucking yes, I was so
pumped and but those little there's little things like
getting past at the at the store so funny.
It's the thing. Like, you know, when people go,
yeah, he remembered my name or something like that, Yeah.
And those things really do matter.
I'm so bad with names. I really, honestly, when someone
introduces themselves to me, I just hear the Chicago Bill Bulls
entrance music, 'cause I'm about to say my name.
They're like, hi, my name is Don Don, Don, Don, Don Don, Don,
Don, Don, Don Don. Ladies and gentlemen, put your
hands together for Bert. And then I go Bert.
So but when I got passed to the seller at the store, I was first
of all, I was like, I hope that if you're a comic, you hear this
and you and this means something to you because it's it should.
I always feel like I I always feel like, by the way, talk
about fucking ego, not being able to check it.
I always feel like an inspirational comic story
because I didn't really get successful until I was like 44.
Shut up with. 10 years. I got to wait 10 years.
Well, no. The the beauty is the beauty is
if you're 43 and you haven't hit, you can still go.
Well, Bert, I got one year left. I got one year left like I was a
late bloomer And and if I had success, Ari would call bullshit
on what I just said because I had success.
Like I did television. I did.
I did some stuff. I did an hour special for Comedy
Central in 2009. Didn't really pop.
And I had some success here and there, but I wasn't like
successful. I wasn't like I wasn't, I was, I
was just, you know, struggling and I wasn't passed to the
store. I was probably 4344 and I wasn't
passed to the store and. I.
Was maybe I was selling some tickets, but not a lot on the
road and definitely not a lot on the road.
My guarantee was like 6000 and with maybe $500 bonuses, no
percentage deal. And, and I got passed to the
store. They called me and said you, we
want to make you a paid regular in order to do that you got and
I was so nervous. You got to come, you know, come
down and do your first paid regular spot calling your veils.
So I called him my veils, got my first paid regular spot.
I was so fucking excited. I was like, do I take my shirt
off? Like I feel bad taking my shirt
off. I know I would do that normally,
but in this environment, should I leave it like whatever.
And then they were like, I get there and they're like, oh, it's
just a vest. What?
Oh, just a vest would. Be fucking nice.
It's so a halfway horse. So I go, I get there and Adam,
you get who I absolutely adore and never hear about.
Word come out of my mouth about Adam.
He's like, he's like, hell, I hate to do this.
I know we got you at 10:30. Judd just showed up.
Judd Apatow. So Judd's going to just go in
front of you and then and then we're going to you go up after
Judd. And I was like, OK, so then he
I'm sitting there and I'm waiting for Judd and I'll see
Judd and he goes, OK, I'm so sorry.
So. Louis just came.
Up Louis is going to bump Judd, so it's going to go Louis, Judd,
then you. I was like OK, and then he comes
up and he goes oh this is bad. Daniel Toss just showed up so
it's going to go Louis, Daniel Toss, Judd, then you.
And so now my 10:30 spot is now at 12:00 spot it's like 1130 is
when I'm going to go on. Louis comes up.
This is the sweetest guy in the world.
He really is. I fucking absolutely adore
Louis. And he doesn't.
He just says, you know how you doing, it's good to see you goes
up, does a spot toss comes up and he's like, he's like I
bumped you and I'm like, I know, and he's like starts giggling to
himself and he goes what time you thinking up tonight and but
doesn't no one knows. It's my first.
They think I'm a paid regular. Everyone thinks because I'm they
think they know me. They think I'm a paid regular.
Judd comes up. Judd introduces me, doesn't ask
for my introduction. Judd introduces me and he he
gives me a solid introduction. Ladies and gentlemen, this next
guy is fucking hilarious. You may see him.
He's he has, he's done a couple specials.
He had a Travel Channel show called birth Conquer.
And I'm like, he knows my intro gives my intro.
I go up, I do OK, I, I didn't do great.
I did OK. I get off stage and I have this
like moment where I get to breathe and I go, I did it like
I'm, I'm a paid regular. I did my first spot.
Tony Hinchcliffe comes up and goes, hey, congratulations man,
because I know this is your first spot as a paid regular.
Let's go do a shot. And I was like, I was like, did
any like who told him? And so we went out and we took a
shot and he goes, this is a big deal.
By the way, Tony's 1512 years younger than me, not like my
peer, but not like my age peer. And it was.
It meant so much to me to have that moment with Tony and and
Tony and our friends. But we don't hang out all the
time. Like we see each other, talk
bullshit, friendly text, whatever.
Always podcast and fun guy Love him, but it was just it was it
was this little thing that he almost some he, I mean,
practically cemented himself in my heart forever because of that
little moment. And I was like, I don't want to
do more shit like that for people.
But those places it's like those little achievements are this big
thing in your career where people go.
But what about when you sold dot dot dot?
What about when you did that? You're like, Oh no, it was that
time Mattel called me. And he goes, hey, I like that
fucking deaf kid joke. Yeah.
And you're like, what? But those like those little that
like the so I was on honeymoon in Vegas stupidly asked to do
this is years ago yeah sent an e-mail to Este just got her
contact from someone I'm a honeymoon here from Ireland
comic Could I do like 5 minutes. She said, yeah, I shouldn't have
done it because I was totally in, like, vacation mode.
Like, yeah, wasn't ready to work.
She was there. She's there.
So I do it in the green room. Nobody, like, I walk in and I'm
not like trying to chat. I'm just like, say hello,
introduce myself. Yeah.
Nobody's really interested. It's actually a lot of like,
British comics that live in America, right?
So no one's really like, also, I'm wearing shorts.
I shouldn't have been like, and they were like, too short like,
you know, I mean, like, not like, ridiculous.
No, no, they're like Conor McGregor.
'S short. They're not like they're not.
Like I'm also to work. These are like this guy's having
fun, so I don't think they even know I'm on.
And I'm not like on a comic, so I'm just awkwardly in the green
room. I'm not.
I have a terrible set. I go up to ask they they haven't
already shown Late Show and I'm basically going to go look.
That was not a representation of like how good I am.
Could I also do an open spot at the Late Show?
I went up to her and said hi, I'm sorry.
She went. No, like I I had such a bad gig
and no comedian shouted to me after apart from one person who
really made a huge effort and it was Tony Woods and he came up
the greatest. At night.
He didn't obviously did not know who I was at all just saw like
this guy struggling in shorts and came up to me and like he
was like everyone he's like don't worry about that you know
what, where you from and that kind of thing and just took like
5 minutes to chat to me and that like that meant loads to me.
Oh, it means the world. It means the fucking world when
those things happen. I did the.
I did like my first tour last year of the States, small tour,
but like first time I've done it.
And then I did the belly room in the store.
Yeah. And like, there wasn't that many
people there. It was like a Thursday night.
It was one of the best moments of my career, just just being in
the room. I'll tell you a good.
Story So I do by the way, I'll I do get a buzz off tea.
Yeah, this is pretty fucking off.
It's a little bit cool. Like you know what, I might
start drinking. Spots of tea So so he so I get I
get this is a OK, this is a shitty story.
I've told it before, but like, I hope that it comes out as good
as it is meant to come out. So in. 2000 I'm trying to guess.
Probably 2012 maybe. I'm guessing we'd all started
podcasting. We we'd all been podcasting.
I told the Machine story on Rogan and it was gaining
traction and I might I felt the energy of my stand up and
podcasting taking over my hosting.
But I got this hosting gig in Amsterdam for Showtime.
I was going to host this big. I think I hosted.
I hosted a big like fucking comedy thing for all bunch of
comics and I was the, I was the host kind of.
I also did stand up right. So we get done and I.
And I'm FIL, they're filming a documentary on me.
This these guys that we did a Kickstarter and I said, hey,
let's, let's, we're going to fly out of fear of flying.
So I go, let's take the train into London from Amsterdam.
Let's do, let's hang out in London for a couple days.
Then we'll fly from London to LA and then like we should get you
into the Comedy Store. You can do stand there and go.
I fucking love that. It's fucking legendary.
So my management calls over and they get me like a 7 minute spot
and. I'm like great.
So I. Show up at the Comedy Store with
the film crew, which is is a great an aggressive move, but
they'd clean. They'd cleared it with that
someone. Yeah, yeah.
And I was like. Hey, I'm here for the comedy
show and they're like the lines over there.
And I was like, no, no, no, I'm I'm a comedian.
And the guy goes Nope. I think it was a black.
Dude, he was like, no, you're not.
And I was like, no, I am, I'm I'm A and he goes, no, no, I
understand. They must get hundreds of
thousands of Americans saying I do comedy in the states that
don't do comedy in the states. It used to be a big trope is
that if you couldn't do stand up in New York, you just moved to
England or I or, or Australian do stand up there.
And so I don't know. Actually, I'm on the thing And
he goes looks and he says I don't see your name.
And I was like, I, I, I know, but maybe is there a guy named
Dot Dot And they're like, you don't know.
OK, can I talk, maybe talk to someone else?
There's a big black guy, can I talk to someone else?
And he goes, you're talking to him.
And I said, well, I know, but I, I know that I talked to someone,
you know that I didn't talk to someone.
I know there's someone inside that knows.
I talked to them. My management set this all up.
I'm supposed to do 7 minutes and we're OK to just filming.
Here he goes, no filming and you can go away.
And I'm like, Oh my God. So if I go.
So I just get in line, I go up to the front thing and the guy's
like looking at me like think I'll buy a ticket and I go, I'm
supposed to do comedy. Here he goes.
I told you and they're like, and the people behind the counter
are like, no. And I was like, I go in my head,
I'm like, this isn't how it works in LA and LA.
You just walk in and go, I'm a comic.
And they go, OK, go in. Yeah, yeah.
Finally the DJ comes out. Guy in the DJ booth and.
He goes, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Forgot to put him in. He's he's doing a spot tonight
and no apology. No, no.
Oh, welcome to the club. Like, fine.
Don't get in anyone's way like that.
And I'm like, OK, so like I'm already starting on a bad foot.
I sit in the back, I'm watching the show.
I go back to the green room and the comics act.
There are absolute cunts, absolute cunts.
Like, and they're not talking to me.
No one's talking to me. The The only guy that's kind of
nice to me is a guy named. Boy with a tape.
On his face, he's the only guy being nice, but he doesn't
fucking speak. He's don't even know what he
says. I've never seen him before but
they're but. They're being like bullies.
They're they're like, they're like from the States.
Are you? I'm bad.
I'm bad at accents. And I'm like, yeah.
And they're like, keep it tight, keep it tight.
You ever want to work here? Best club in the goddamn world.
You keep it tight. And I'm like, I have no fuck.
I wish I knew. I I have footage of these guys
doing this. And so I'll release it.
I'll know them. Oh, you'll definitely know them.
They're they're big. They're comics.
They're fucking comics. I know what who they are
probably in in New York. I know what type of comic they
are. Now you know I'm.
Also a comic, so I go. He goes, don't run the light,
don't run the light. And I go, what's the light?
And he goes, Oh my God, I'm go, I'm go, I'm joking, I'm joking.
I, I go, I go. You guys, do you guys like, they
like racial jokes because they don't live here, right?
And these like, and these guys are not getting comedy.
They're not getting me joking. I can't break the seal.
I can't get someone to go. Who do you know?
Do you know? And like they're saying people
like, do I know this person? And I'm like, yeah, we all know
that person, Yeah. So boy with tape in his face
goes up. And fucking murders, yeah, he
murders so fucking hard. He's the only one in that room
that I that I remember because of his fucking act, and I'm
sitting in the back of watching boy tape on his face and I'm
going I can't follow that. Like I don't actually, I really
am going to bomb all this light hearted joking.
They're going to watch me eat a Dick.
This guy's so good. And luckily they take an
intermission like a little. You guys don't do intermissions.
No, no, we're doing. One tonight.
We never do them. And I'm like, oh, thank God,
reset the room. The dude who's the biggest prick
goes out and he's my host and he does his time.
He does a little extra. It was interesting because he
told me not to run the light and then he gives me a disguise from
the states. We'll see what we get or
something like real shitty intro fucks my name up and I go out
and I fucking light. That room is hot.
And I've been doing stand up at
that time for fucking probably 1520 years.
So I know what I definitely know what I'm doing with stand up and
I'm doing it so much. And I just filmed the set in in
in fucking Amsterdam. I light the room upon fire and
in it I get the light at like 7 minutes.
They give me the light and I've already know my time and they
give me the light. I wrap up at 7:15 7/30.
I go to get off. I go to get off stage.
The host comes out and he's like wow.
Like I go to the green. Room and.
The dudes who were being jerks and people, One guy goes, I, I
guess you've done this before. I say, yeah, some professional
fucking comedian. And they're like, that was
crazy. Like, that was hilarious.
Yeah. I was like, thanks.
And like, where, where, where, where are you from?
And I was like, oh, wow, Now you guys gonna be there.
Your friend, though. Yeah.
Well, but they were cool. I ended.
Up having a beer with. Them, yeah.
And talking to them and then and then you realise, I don't think
I don't think I would be like that, But I'm in a different
place in my career than those guys were.
You know, when you're when you're struggling and you see
come with someone taking some of the time that you have allotted
for yourself, you get a little you get a little territorial.
I know that happens in New York and probably happens in LA, but
but that that that's like the Tony Woods thing.
Boy, the. Tape in his face.
You killed was the one who made the effort with you.
Tony Woods was the one who killed at that.
And he came up to me. Yeah.
Tony Woods is Tony Woods is a. Legend.
He's like Dave Chappelle's mentor, isn't He's my mentor.
He might want to started. I have AI have a tonne of Tony
Wood stories, but when I started, Chappelle was out in
LA, Tony was still back in, in the clubs in New York and he
kind of took me under, under his wing, used to call me Sugar
Bear. And, and he, we taught me
everything. He would interrupt my sets and
fuck with my sets. And then he, he, I mean him and
Patrice were two people that were like Patrice.
One time I, I, we were getting ready to do a a set and I had a
set list, like a little set list of my thing.
And Patrice comes over, we're getting ready for this huge
fucking audition. And Patrice goes and looks at
his list and he goes, are these new jokes?
And I said no. And he goes, oh, and he ripped
it in half and he goes, you're not that comic.
I said when he goes, you're not a list comic.
He goes, you either know it or you don't know it.
And if you don't know it, you're fucked.
And I was like, wow, yeah, Tony Woods is the fucking.
He's the greatest. He's the greatest.
I love him. I adore him.
I think I'm I've, I've taken so much of my style, I think you'd
recognise it. But you know, when you're a
comic, you borrow from people's styles to figure out how to get
Yeah, AB And for me, Tony Woods. Tony Woods and a tell where my
2, like my 2 lighthouses, my 2 channel markers that I would
like as I wrote jokes, I'd be like, how would it tell do it?
How would Tony do it? How would it tell do it?
How would Tony do it? Yeah, fucking love Tony.
I love Tony. Let me ask you this.
You've a day off in Dublin tomorrow.
We were thinking, oh, wonder you're in Belfast on the tour
and we were going to give you a Belfast Day of Foam, a bespoke
Belfast Day of Foam with activities say like next time
you turn Europe, you do Belfast. Yeah, here's what I was
thinking. I just want to want to buy.
You just just want big plans. I just saw a movie like Pipe.
Bomb, we want you. Like that car bombing?
Car bombing. I want to do that.
Things to do in Belfast we can say.
About. Hate crime.
Something fun you know you want to get into.
A little bit of scaring kids out.
Of our neighbourhoods, yeah. Fuck yeah, I want to do it.
No, I the fucked up thing is we could set that up like that
could. Be such a such a gold mine for
American terrorists coming. Oh, it's, it's like all we knew
about Belfast. And I never understood, I never
understood like, like the Protestant Catholic things.
I, I, I still don't. I'm like, I'm like, aren't we?
There's anything? It's just one of those things
like it's like. OK, like it's, it's, you know,
it's just our thing. My grandmother wouldn't.
Wouldn't. Go to my wedding.
This is crazy because land my wife's Baptist, she goes no,
he's marrying a Baptist. The barefoot fucking illiterate.
No, I'm not. Oh my God.
Why would we let him marry a Baptist?
She originally from Belfast. No, she's she was first
generation American from her family's Irish.
My dad's dad is German. My mom's family is 100.
Like top to bottom Irish. They were the first Irish.
So Irish, it's funny because it's it's when, when we do this
about our heredity, it sounds like when Elizabeth Warren goes,
I'm part Native American because there's, we have no real
connection with it. There's just snobbery towards
that with Irish. People we're like an American
person tells you what their ancestry actually.
Oh, fuck that. Like, yeah, like, yeah, it's
totally like, I, I like it. You know, if people are like
American people love Ireland, like and, and there is obviously
so much ancestry there. You you one thing we were going
to do what we will do next when you come to Belfast, You know, I
was going to, I was going to get us a DeLorean.
A DeLorean? Yeah.
Why are those still? Around I know OK they were built
in belf the. DeLorean factory was it was.
I watched that document in Northern.
I'm not good at retaining. Information.
OK, I'm good at remembering half of it, right?
But like I but like, yeah, DeLorean got fucked on coke
charges, right? Yeah, I don't know, but.
There was it was in Back to the Future.
Yeah. And they have the fold up
things. So we and you, me and you should
write a book. Of shit.
We kind of know. I know.
The other half you're like, yeah, whatever.
All I know. Wait, there was a guy named
DeLorean. No, we cruise around in one of
those. We do The Troubles.
To her, yeah. And I'm talking the troubles.
To her the. Troubles.
Yeah. You know what?
The troubles. I do I.
But I don't It's like the Protestant.
Catholic thing. Yeah.
Or like they call it the Troubles.
Yeah. Oh, such a.
Sexy way to say like fucking riots.
Yeah, the Troubles, the Irish. And there's a thing called the
peace line that runs. Through like quite a bit of
Belfast that separates A Protestant Catholics and we can
go to the peace line. It's not that like, it's not
like some of the biggest ones, like there's a door in it that
gets open like 9:00 to 5:00. So that like, devalues it a
little bit. Yeah.
That undermines it because there's like, there's still
issues with Protestants and Catholics.
Yeah. For real?
Yeah. Oh, I.
Thought that was done you. Know it kind.
Of like, like we'd say it is, but then we'll like we'll wank
out you, you know what I mean? It's like, oh, it's gone.
But like so I watched this movie called but we were just talking.
About this on the ride over, I watched this movie called
Belfast. Yeah, Jamie Dornan's in it.
I don't know you. Don't know who he is.
I don't know. No, no, no, no.
I'm telling you. Yes.
Is he related to John? DeLorean.
No, no, no. Jimmy Dornan.
I don't know. Hang on, let me.
See which one? Is he, is he the the dad?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's fucking great.
Yeah, Him and the wife who plays the wife.
She's sexiest Katrina Ball. Something like that, Belfast and
so. There's a sexiness to it.
There's a sexiness to that time, that time.
But would you want to do like? Would you want to come over?
And we get you. I wanted to see do you want to
play yourself with it? We could do you want to join a
paramilitary for like 1 day? Is this is this?
Is this like if someone was? Doing a podcast in Alabama and
he's like, I want to hang a black person.
Is that the thing? We have no like frame.
Of reference for when we're offending so we don't know
anything about it. Me and Rogan, what time we were
fucking, we were using. I won't even say it because I
know it's a bad word, but the P word, you know, for your people
that by a fight shot. A fight shot.
Yeah, yeah. Bag of shite.
Yeah. Ain't nothing but a bag of
shite. Tell him, Tell him, Johnny.
Oh, he's a bag of shite. He is a beg of shite.
A fighter. A fight.
We were watching. You can't do accents, you know
nothing but a bag of shite. I'll tell you a fighter.
By the way, if there's a. Movie you have that look like
kneeled dude. They were.
There's AP. Word for that thing I know OK
and Rogan. And I were doing a podcast and.
We were just dropping that like we're in a fucking hip hop gang
and we're just, and we were obsessed.
Big John. What was that guy's name?
He was a, he was a fucking. It was so fucking.
You mean the main, like the main bare knuckle guy?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And we were obsessed. He's in talking.
Oh, I love that, he put, but we were obsessed with those fights
and we were just dropping and everyone and people were hitting
us up like, you know, you can't. So we live stream back then you
can't say that word. And we were like, and then we'd
say the word. You can't say the word.
We'd say it like four or five times.
Why can't we say the word and, but, but when it's not offensive
to you, it has no register. Like it has no register to you
go like I remember I was in Australia and I was like, my
opening joke was I just got done watching Aborigine porn and
everyone's like, what the fuck? And I was like, wait, if you
guys not, how do you not watch it?
They're here with you and and like, but you it doesn't if it
if you if you don't, it's the I think it's the thing with like
cancel culture. If it doesn't register you as to
you as bad, then it doesn't affect you.
It's like, who did they go after?
They went after someone and he was just like, I don't really
care. And then they were like, oh,
guess we can't get him on that. And you're like, like, like
Rogan with the fucking vaccine stuff.
And then we need to cancel and he goes, yeah, I don't, I don't
believe in that and just move forward.
And you're like. OK, the only way to be
problematic is if like you. Pick the side.
But here's the thing we get you to join paramilitaries for a
damn but we split the day up. You join a like a loyalist
paramilitary 1/2 a day and a republican paramilitary after.
So what it was was. So Belfast, Belfast is.
Please keep saying Belfast is it.
That's why no. That's not it, but I love.
It Belfast. Belfast is.
Is Protestant right? Oh God, it's it's.
It's both like and. I need a hard line, but who is
you're the ones that they start like in the.
Movie that family's Catholic, right?
Right. So it would be like a like a
Protestant. Or what would be called a
loyalist guy or paramilitary would be the bad guys.
But are you Protestant? I'm.
I'm a little bit of both. Oh.
Oh, yeah. You're like Trevor.
Noah, Yeah. By the way, Trevor Noah.
Trevor Noah did. I've never, I mean, I'm not
shitting on him. I've never watched The Daily
Show. I'm just not.
I'm not. It's not, it's not on my radar,
right? Like it's just not.
It's not when I watch TV, it's like 5 in the afternoon or
something. No, no, no.
No, he did the most fucking,
maybe the most brilliant piece of television I've ever seen in
my life. He took AAI.
Think it's for The Daily Show. I think he might.
I think he's done doing The Daily Show.
He took a camera crew back to meet his grandma who's lived in
lived in like a Township. And it was fucking fascinating
to listen to her talk about him being born a crime because he
was part white, part black. And that they, it was the most
amazing piece of television I've ever seen.
And I immediately was like, I should have watched The Daily
Show. God, that's so fucking
fascinating. And you can't catch up.
You're not going to catch up on no.
You're not going to start go from the start.
No, it's The Daily Show I. Went to a taping of The Daily
Show when I first started when it was with Craig Kilbourne and
I laughed fucking hysterically. Jon Stewart is Jon Stewart could
run for president and I'd vote for him.
I had a really cool moment in stand up in San Francisco.
Jon Stewart performed to maybe 20,000 people outside City Hall
on a stage and it was everyone was standing, it was outdoors
and it was silent, listening to every word he said.
And we were crying, laughing. I, I just, by the time Jon
Stewart left, I'd already lost, stopped watching The Daily Show.
And so when it wasn't like, gonna reboot for me to get back
into. Yeah, but so Tom's due to come
over to Belfast. He's he's doing, Tom's doing
Belfast, he's doing Belfast. On tour?
So what? I'm saying is, do we organise a
day of fun for him? Would he be into that?
Does he like to keep himself himself?
Should we stage like a fake kidnap, like paramilitary
kidnap? And no, what you should do, what
you do is. Yeah, take him to the Fendi
store, the Gucci store, to the Prada store, get him a sauna
spa, find a high end like like designer drug dealer who can
give them it's Belfast lip lip the lip injections.
He yeah, no, he's fucking youth. Tom doesn't do any.
He doesn't want to see He doesn't want to see the good.
He does not care about Belfast. Yeah, I bet he'll I bet Tom is I
I'm I'm half joking because there because there's a seat of
truth in this. Tom literally is the comic that
gets there, gets on, is there about to coming on stage and he
looks at the guy next to me goes where am I?
And they're like Belfast. He goes is that what country
like Ireland? He goes fantastic.
Belfast. I love you guys I.
Remember seeing. Him I saw.
Drake play here. Yeah.
And in Dublin, he's like Dublin. There's been the best show of
the tour and I got like really into it.
This is like 3 years ago. I was like, that's the best show
he's ever done. I was like this and I'm part of
it. And then when I was in London
doing a gig to the comedians that tickets see Drake and O2
and I'd seen the same tour and I was like fuck it, I'll go again.
I was like this amazing. I've seen him before.
It was the best one he'd ever done and he's like London,
that's the best show of the tour.
And I was like, hold on. What's happening?
I'm definitely saying that I realised like I realised.
Dublin it's it was me. By the way, I wish.
You hadn't put the word. Belfast in my head so much
because I've gotten to it tonight.
I say Belfast. Yeah, just say it's good to be
here. Don't name a.
Place where I want to run this by you.
I'm we have a lot of slang in Belfast like like everywhere.
I want to run like 5 phrases by you and I want you to tell me
what you think this means yeah. So you just tell me what you and
if you need me to, I'll use it in the sentence.
OK. The cracks 90 the crank the
cracks 90 the. Cracks 9090.
I said. 90, but you say 90. 9 the cracks 90 cracks 90 if I
were. To say to you the cracks 90 I
would I would assume you're you're saying you can't always
get what you want, but. If you get to have anal sex,
that. At least it's something.
No, it just means like it's a good time.
Oh, oh, the crack. I was figuring like.
You can't get the. Pussy so you can just fuck her
in the ass? No, it means like the crack is.
Like the laugh, the fun, and it means it's 90.
Like it's never going to be 100 in Belfast, but we can get it to
90. I like that.
The Cracks 90. Cracks 9090.
What about if I was to? Call someone a buck agent.
Buck Egypt, Yeah. Egypt has got to be moron, so
I'd say a widespread moron. 100% buck Egypt.
See. See on this, like on your day
off in Dublin, Yeah, just like anytime someone's like being a
moron, just say to someone from here.
What a Buck Agent Buck. Fucking love that.
What if I was? To tell you to wind your neck
in. Wind my neck in.
Stop talking. Shit, yes, I just feel that one.
And by the way, you could do that to me a lot.
What if I was to tell you it's Baltic?
Baltic. Well, I'm assuming.
That you're talking. About the Baltic people.
So I'm going to try, I'm going to try to guess what they are.
And I'm, I'm guessing you probably Baltic people are like
Serbs and stuff. No AM.
I not am I? Am I?
Taking this racial Yeah, yeah, OK, yeah, Baltic, OK.
It just means it's cold. And.
Lastly, if I was to tell you. If I was to talk about Bakken,
oh, it's got to be fucking yes. Fucking yes, you do you, you
know, here I. Feel like I feel like I could.
I could assimilate very easily. I think you could, although I
did you look like you're from here.
I should, I should, I should look like I thought I was When I
went to Germany, I was like, it's so good to be home.
And they're like, and then I proceeded to talk about Hitler
for the next 20 minutes. Oh, anytime I'm in the States
and speak, people. Are like, oh, what part of
Germany are you from? Oh yeah, you got a little bit of
a. Yeah, there's.
Something sexy about like. I hooked up with an Irish chick
one time in probably 2000. It's got to be 2000.
If we work or you're my dad, I'm going to fucking.
Love this and. She had just gotten out of gaol.
No, she's just gotten out of an engagement.
Her she was at a she was at someone else's wedding.
Her fiance had broken up with her.
We met up with her at a bar. Me, Patrice and Rich Voss had
met up with her and her friends and me and her went back to my
flat in Edinburgh and we got into my room and.
She she was drunk and she kept. Saying, oh, I'm going to die an
old maid, I'm gonna die an old maid.
And you know when you're like kissing someone and then you
realise I don't think they're that into this.
And like, and she would like, we'd kiss and then she'd look at
me, could you love an old maid? And I was like, I was like,
yeah, yeah, yeah, I could love an old maid.
I was like, was she from Victoria?
No, she was. She was.
So. There's something so sexy, like
the white whiteness of an Irish chick, like the white, like
puffy nipple, red whiteness of an Irish chick where you're
like, like fucking clean elbows and just everything.
And she but she was so sexy. Blonde hair with little ringlets
and she was like, could you love an old maid?
And I was like, Hey, you can't talk like this because you're
reminding of my me of my Nana. So like, like her accent was
very similar to all the older women in my family, like my old
and all my Philly side. And she was like, we can have.
Sex but you're. Doing it with an old maid and I
was like, you're making me and I was like, I can't have sex with
her and and and we she didn't she had to she had to catch a
fairy in the morning. And so we we didn't have sex
where we didn't really do anything much more than kiss
laid in my bed. She fell asleep.
She got up early to to go to. She got.
Up early to catch the fairy. And I got up with her and
Patrice is already up and he was.
He was sitting in the kitchen. He was a brutal fucking human at
times. He was sitting in the kitchen
and I walked her to the thing to the door.
I'm catching me fairy. Thanks for last night and taking
care of this old maid. And I went OK, OK.
And she laughed and I come down. I just sit, sit across from
Patrice. And he goes.
Said you fuck Mrs Doubtfire or not and I, no, I didn't.
He goes. I couldn't stop hearing her say
she's an old fucking maid all night long.
And I was like, yeah, that was pretty aggressive.
He, there was another, there was another chick that I, I hooked
up with this chick that had cerebral palsy and I didn't know
she had cerebral palsy because I was drinking so much at the
time. I just thought we were all
fucked up. And then she came over to, to,
to Scotland and I found out she had cerebral palsy right before
she came. And I was like, I just was like,
Oh yeah. And so Patrice could not stop
laughing that I was such an alcoholic that I couldn't tell
if someone was disabled. And so.
And so one night we're hooking up in my bed, me and this chick,
and she was absolutely fucking gorgeous.
Absolutely fucking gorgeous. She looked like a hotter Sarah
Michelle Gellar, fucking gorgeous.
And she was a little. Crazy and she.
Took off all her clothes and stood at the front of my bed and
let me know I would not be fucking her.
She was drunk and she was like you're not fucking me, you're
not fucking me, you're not going to fuck me at all and she's
totally naked. I'm telling you, the hottest,
hottest fucking body. Perfect, perfect.
Like C cup tits. She was maybe 115 lbs C cup tits
Gorgeous, gorgeous, yes, like her left arm is a little
skinnier than her right arm and her left leg was a little
skinnier than her right leg. I'm just telling you the truth.
And but she was and but you could tell that these things had
like, you're not fucking me. Do you understand me?
And I was like, I go, I'm not trying to fuck you.
I'm trying to go to bed right now.
And I was like, and in my head I was like, just suck my Dick and
we'll go to bed. And but I was like, OK, she was
staying in my place. And I was like, OK, I'm not
fucking you. I get it.
And she's at the front of my bed and to the far.
Like like this is my. Bed.
She's here. That's the door to my bedroom.
My door opens and Patrice sticks his big head in like a fucking
just leans in, looks at me and he goes.
Looks at her, looks at me, and he goes and then leaves out of
the room and shuts the door. She never saw it.
She fucking hated Patrice. She hated Patrice because she
went to shake his hand and she put out her left hand or
whatever to shake his hand. He goes, What are you, the
fucking queen? Give me other hand.
What's wrong with his hand? You got a baby hand and and she
was and immediately caught. He fucking she.
He hated her so fucking much and she fucking hated him.
Imagine I'm driving back tonight and it's all.
Dark and I'm driving down the motorway and I just hear the old
maid from the backsets. I'm coming.
Wouldn't. It be great if you could find.
I want to love to find that chick.
Yeah. I wonder if she has to have
gained weight. There's 2° of separation to
everyone in. Ireland will find her.
Yeah, I would. That's the only thing.
That I wish like like I'm very happily married and I love my
wife, but I would be would be cool in like a Prince who's the
one that just died, Prince Philip.
In a Prince. Philip Way to go around the
world and fuck different indigenous people.
Yeah, not in a Prince Andrew way.
Yeah, not in a. Prince Andrew Way, but in a
Prince. Philip Way where like do you
ever see like the in the crime, the picture?
Yeah. Do you see the crime?
When they're when they're in like the islands and they're all
like laid back on a tree root and it's just naked fucking
indigenous people. And he's like, it's not bad
here, huh? It's such, I mean him and his
boys had a fucking 50 year old bachelor party.
That was it was pedalled to the fucking the metal boys getting
the tonne, sealing the seas. Yeah, you did.
They just put them on boat. And they're like, just don't
bring it back. Do you know how many, little
Prince? Andrews, OR.
Prince Phillip tried to be around, like, just.
I mean, that guy had a fucking that guy.
That guy had a fucking life. Yeah, he had a decade of fun
early. Nazi, right?
Yeah. So early.
Nazi not even like, like was like he was the fun Nazi when it
was cool. Yeah, he was, he was the fun
Nazi before they were doing hate crimes.
Like he was like the got the outfit, went to the camps and he
like the the the like where the boys fuck the girls and then
they're and then they're like, go shit's going sideways.
You want to marry a British? Yeah, he's like Don son fucking
goes up because I don't care if it's my cousin, let's fucking do
this. And then they get together and
then he just fucking parties balls for fuck the rest of his
life. Do you know that I got obsessed
with the queen? I really had a a real this is
going to sound fucked up and I know that I don't know what I'm
saying, but I had a real respect for her because she took on a
responsibility that none of us would fucking want.
You mean like look at like the fucking Andrew is?
That the red headed. Kid Andrew who?
Harry. Harry.
Look at Harry. Harry.
Didn't. Want it?
No. Yeah, he didn't want it.
He don't want to. Be a part of that.
And people go, oh, you would, I would love to be the Prince.
It's a pain in the fucking ass. Prince Philip met this kid for
like ATV. Opportunity kind of thing at a
primary school, the kids like 6 years old and he said to the
kid, what do you want to be when you're older kids like an
astronaut? He's like too fat to be an
astronaut walked off. There's there's compilation,
YouTube compilations that are phenomenal.
Let me That would be. That would be.
I would be. That I want to.
I want to be king now. Yeah, just so that and you can't
get cancelled and you just, and you're almost like you're
autistic. You say the thing you think
you're too bad to be an astronaut.
Yeah. Next, someone needs to tell this
kid that's fucking Yeah, that guy.
That guy partied his Dick off. I watched the crown.
I loved the great fucking show. Can I tell you what other shows
really good have you seen? Is it the great?
It's. I think it's called the great.
It's about Catherine the Great and it they did it so
interestingly because they made it so that they.
Made it so that. Everything's kind of like
flippantly fun, right? So it's it's it's a.
Horrible atrocities. Her husband Peter was an
absolute fucking nightmare of a human being.
He, they tried to kill him, he poisoned, he, they, he murdered
his entire staff at one point. Like he's just a horrible man,
but they made it like like like tongue in cheek.
So the all the murders are a little funny like and it's and
it and it's really done well. And I and you've it's done so
well. You you almost forget that these
were actual murders he committed.
And he murdered tonnes of fucking people flippantly that
flippantly, like she wanted a bear.
That's the one thing she wanted was a bear having no idea what a
bear was. And then he got her a bear.
And it was like, it was like fucking.
And then he killed the bear because he got mad at her.
And. And but it's so done so well
that you're like, you're like, oh, he killed the bear not
realising that was an animal. Yeah, it's fucking.
That was a good show. The Crown's good.
Have you seen them? I've seen, you know.
Obviously machines. Come on.
It's going to be huge. Have you seen my movie?
No. Battle of the Bone?
No. 2. 1008 Northern Irish. Independent Martial.
Arts zombie movie. You haven't seen martial arts
zombie movie? Let me set the scene.
Protestants and Catholics come together in Belfast for the
first time to defeat an army of drug creed zombies.
You're looking at the lead 2008 ringing a bell.
No, I'm going to watch it though.
Protestants and Catholics come together to fight Battle of the
Zombies. I swear this was a real thing.
So when? I'll tell you a quick version
this Whenever I was in college, I studied like film making
behind the camera stuff. And then this guy was like
making a feature film for 10 grand and he was like, I need
students to like be assistant camera people.
I'll do it two weeks into it. This guy's like I'm supposed to
be the lead him. He's like, will you shave your
head and you be the lead? I'd never acted ever.
I'd never done stand up. I was like, yeah, I'll do that.
No acting experience. I became like the lead in this
movie when we were in production.
So it's like at a stunt double. It was like it was at the time.
I was like, this is I'm I'm set like this is going to be huge.
It it's really worth a watch. It's it's.
Not, not no real budget. Cross and Catholics always been
enemies, but they come together to fight the zombies.
And he was like, he thought this movie was going to be great.
It got a review from a martial arts magazine in Japan that
said, and this is on the cover of the DVD, but the director put
it on like dead serious, like he wasn't being funny.
It's on the cover of the DVD A Battle of the Bone, that says
arguably the greatest Northern Irish martial arts zombie movie
ever made, and that that's on it.
It got into. Like HMV, which is like our.
Like big like DVD store. And it was, everyone's buzzing
about that like they're stalking it.
But it was, I swear to God, they were doing anything.
It was free with any purchase. Like they would just put it in
your bag as well. And yeah, Battle of the Boom, I
got to watch it. I got to watch it.
I love there's a it's funny that I like zombie movies were not
something I never was into and now all of a sudden they're
really fucking hot. Yeah, like zombie everything,
because Battle of the Bone if I can't wait.
To watch it I. Can't wait to watch it.
Surprise, you haven't seen it. So do you think you'll ever move
to the States? Would you move?
To the states. I thought if I if it if it
hasn't happened. Now, based on battle off the
back of Battle of the Bone, I don't think it's going to
happen. Battle of the Bone came out like
13 years ago. Really.
Yeah. It just hasn't hit yet.
It's it's coming. Hey, listen, they're they're
sleeper movies. There's a lot of them that pop
out at it for no reason at all. It's the shittest thing ever
made. Ever but to the point where it's
like really good get it released online.
I never. Got a script?
I would get a. Script as we were doing the
thing yeah and it was like just look at that not none of it
makes sense It was all 80 yard all 80 yard but like the
interior and the exterior stuff we're just on the same it you
have like oh there's a bit like there was a bit at the end
right. The iconic finish to this was
I'm standing at the sub top of some church steps blow bath with
a music. I love it.
The main zombie comes over and he's like making a beeline for
me because I'm like the main guy I have a shaved head I'm 18 at
this point 11 stone I'm like here we go I stand top of the
steps. The director explains this to me
on the day he goes, here's what's going to happen.
Two people are going to panic and throw you weapons to defeat
the zombie. It's a, it's a Union Jack and A
and a tricolour, the British flag and the Irish flag.
And in a symbolic moment, I'm going to impale the zombie with
the two flags and they're going to fly together, symbolising
people come together. But I swear to God, see on the
day when we shot it, I said to the director, as I'm at the top
of the steps, I said, how are you going to do the how are you
going to do the flip? Like you're going to CGI the
flip? He said no, I'll just give it a
go. I said give it.
AI can't do a flip. He's like you don't know unless
I should try We're we're 20 steps up.
I was like I won't be able to I can't catch in mid.
He goes catch him in mid air. Give it a go until you I was
like, I can't I won't live. So we we like chase this shot.
So like I catch them and it took like 20 takes for me to just
catch these. And then it was me up to the
point where I'm like, I have to make it look like I'm about to
do a flip some and I do this, it cuts to like a shot.
Of like. This guy on my feet and then I
land with the men and that's the end.
And it's it's, it's, it's a piece of cinematic history.
The Battle of the Bone. When we did the machine, there
was. A There was a stunt like I was.
I was very. I had.
I wanted to. Do all my own stunts like.
I, I wanted to, I was like one of the things, like I'll do all
my own stunts. I'm very athletic.
I can do all my own stunts. And they were like, they're
like, no, you shouldn't do all your stunts.
Stunts. My stunt guy's name was Kazumi.
So funny. This is the difference.
Like I, I, I noticed subtle differences sometimes
culturally. So we shot the movie in Serbia,
which was a socialist country for a long time, borderline
communist, but not communist because Tito, but very
socialist. And the socialist mentality is,
is just get it done. Like, just get it done.
Halfway through production, I noticed that they're cutting my
beard weird. And they're cutting my hair
weird. They're parting my hair to the
side. And I said, that's so funny.
Have you noticed that? My, my hair is getting your, It
feels like you're cutting it shorter.
My beard looks shorter. And they're like, yeah, we need
you to look like Kazumi. And I said, they go, he's your
stunt double. And I said, oh, And then I went,
wait, no, he's supposed to look like me.
And they go, it's just easier for you to look like him because
it we can, we can't grow his hair out, but we can trim your
back. And I went, you know, I'm the
one in the fucking movie. Like it matters what I look
like. And they're like, it's easier to
get you look like Kazumi. So I mean, they would do things
where you I put on the clothes one day and I was like, I was
like, these don't fit at all. And they're like, you've gained
weight. And I was like, no, but not that
much like from yesterday. And they're like, you've gained
a lot of weight. I put my shoes on and I go, my
shoes are tight and they're like, yeah, you're bloated.
And I go, no, my feet don't gain weight, though.
Even when I'm blown, my feet don't gain weight.
And they're like, you've gotten very overweight.
We do a whole shoot in this outfit and then Kazumi comes out
and he's swimming in his clothes and I go, I go, you lose weight.
And he goes, no, I think they switched our clothes.
So I did a whole. Day shoot, I look disgusting.
In his clothes. So we go to do the scene of me
going down a flight of stairs and I'm like, I'm going to do
it. And the first thing my producer
says is no, you're not. And I go, no, I mean, he goes
the majority of incidents that where we have problems with
people going down a flight of stairs.
You are not going down a flight of stairs.
And I was like, I go, I can't imagine.
It's that fucking. Hard I won't go that fast.
He goes, it gets away from you, and so I go, I think I'll do it.
So I, I do the I, they break up the scene where that you do the
first fall and they catch you, then you do the second fall like
so you do the fall onto the stairs, then you do the fall off
the stairs, and then you do a full fall down the stairs.
So I do the first. Fall.
Down the stairs and I go really fucking hard and, and because I
don't know speeds and so I go really hard and I go flying and
it looks great. And they're like, that's
awesome. I was like, guys, it's a little
bit harder this time. I do this thing a fall and I
fucking miss my blocking and I start falling down the flight of
stairs and I realise, oh, it does speed up.
Like it doesn't like I thought you could control it.
You have no fucking control. They catch me and I go all
right, we're fine. We do the second fall where we
go down the stairs and and I'm like and and they're like just
go up like 6 stairs and go down. And I was like 6 stairs.
Doesn't look, I'm going to go up like 10 stairs and they're like
that's half the flight and I go it'll be fine.
We go down half the flight of stairs and I fucking hit my head
so fucking hard and I was like oh OK, I'm not going down the
full flight. And they're like no shit.
Kazumi goes down the flight of stairs.
Just Lance stands up and. He goes.
I got to do one more time. And we're like, fuck, that guy
was bad. But I blew out my hand, my arms.
So I had to tackle my my the villain and take him down a
flight of stairs. And as soon as I tackled him, I
popped all my tendons in my elbow and ripped my tricep off.
And as soon as that happened, I was like, all right, I'm done.
I'm never doing another stunt again.
Battle of the Bone too. Yeah, Kazumi lead.
Kazumi was the funniest. The fun, The funniest dude, the
funniest stuntman. Because he didn't know anything.
About me. So they would go, all right,
Kazumi, because you know, you block out stunts.
They're like, Kazumi, I'll show you what you're supposed to do.
And he's English wasn't great. They're like, he'll show you
what you're he'll block it out for you and show you what the
fight sequence looks like or the the stunt looks like.
And and so Kazumi do it and he would go, hello father, I am fat
and drunk. I am big fat.
Bert, where are you father? And I was like, is that the
fucking lines? Or like he's not great with
English. And I was like, OK, and you go,
I am fat, tub of shit, tub of shit, fat guy.
Where is my father? I love you.
Father and I was like, is he who's teaching him these lines?
And they're like, well, we just got a paraphrase for Kazumi.
And then he'd be like, oh, I'm so fat, I have diarrhoea and I'm
like, wait, are you guys like who's feeding him these fucking
lines? We would laugh and listening
Kazumi, I wish I had footage of it.
We were we would film him and cry laughing at his.
And he wasn't trying to be funny at all.
He was just. But man, he did.
He did some great shit. He's the man.
But then you realise some doubles are fucking awesome.
Yeah, they're fucking legit. I know you got to go because you
literally got to. Go on stage.
So I just want to ask the show yet, OK?
OK, I take a shit. I got to ask you this quick
thing. I, when I did my tour of the
States last year, I did maybe like 6-7 cities shot at all.
And I'm going to release that as like a special, like a little
bit from this city, that city as like one set.
What in your opinion, what I do with that?
Just do I put that on YouTube? Do I?
I put everything on YouTube right now.
I mean, it seems to me that that's where everyone's finding
their content. And, you know, I, I, I know I'm
on YouTube a lot, always looking for stuff.
I mean, it's where I get all my documentaries.
Like it's like, I, I mean, I watch everything on YouTube.
So I, I would put it on, I would personally put it on YouTube
because I feel like that's where everyone's landing.
I want as many people to see it as possible.
Because it's like from all the American shows, I'm going to
call it she and Todd all American.
It's great. Like it.
I love it. I.
Love all American. Yeah, it's going.
To be a little confusing with the Irish accent because you
will get a lot of the red states going.
Yeah, that's what I want to see. Just some good, clean, no
immigrant, no immigrant. Look at this kid born in this
country and they're like, what the fuck?
I think he was born with half. A tongue?
Why? Is he talking like that?
I don't know what brilliant means.
He's using brilliant way too much.
He just called her a cunt. You can't say cunt.
That's my wife's family. The the I what was the joke?
I just wrote a joke. Oh, I'm trying to write a joke
about about. How dangerous.
The Florida was where I grew up was versus like Germany.
They have no predators. I just, I don't mind.
You were talking. I was like, oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you guys have predators up here like wolves or anything?
Just like a friend of my uncle, but like.
Yeah, the most you could do. Is get molested?
I one time was telling someone a story.
We were running a half marathon, me and Jim Florentine, and we
were talking about concussions. In the middle of telling him my
story, realised I was molested. Like I was telling the story.
And I was like, we were jogging in 1/2 marathon.
Me, this guy Galvin and and, and Jim Florentine were jogging real
slow. And they're like, do you ever
get a concussion? And I was like, yeah, I got, I
got a really bad one at basketball camp and they're
like, how bad? And I was like, they had to wake
me up every 30 minutes. And they're like customary.
And I go and check my testicles. They're like, what?
I go, yeah, the priest would take turns coming in and waking
me up and checking my testicles. And they're like, and what's
funny in in this story is that they stopped jogging and I kept
jogging. And I went, hey, what are you
guys doing? And they're both frozen.
And they're like, are you joking?
And I said no. And they're like, I think you
were molested. And I went no, no, no, no.
That's how you have to do that. It's like a physical.
They check your testicles. And then in my head I was like,
yeah, wait, that doesn't seem like pro concussion protocol.
And they're like, no, no, no, you were molested.
And then they were like, and how many priests?
I was like, I don't know. They took turns and I was like,
wait. And then they were like, and you
have no trauma from this. And I was like, I thought I was
what you did for a concussion. And then they were like, oh, my
God, you had to check theirs, too.
Yeah, I was like. And then and then and then I was
like. And then all of a sudden the
realisation of, yeah, it doesn't seem like something you do.
Freaking and I'm fucking 44, jogging and a half marathon
going. Yeah, that does seem fucking
odd. Yeah, that's what I mean.
I. Wanted to get to do as many
people as possible so I think that's what I'm going to do all
American and it's. Clubs in America like they look.
So good because like people like, what did you do?
What clubs? I did the ones.
That you'll see in the special. Would be Cobs in San Francisco.
That's beautiful. The improv where?
Small. Hollywood Small room in the lab,
The Stand in New York. Yeah.
And Zeni, Chicago. It's 33 great clubs.
Because I like I did the place called the ground operation.
Belfast film like 5 shows, 5 cameras.
That's fucking so much into it. And then?
Went to the states. It was like let's bring 1 camera
all the venues there have. We don't have multi camera HD
setups and I was like fuck the Albright stuff.
People like from where I'm from, like we don't Belfast dump seems
unbelievable, but like no one's really done like the States and
the clubs and the tour there. So I thought that that's more
interesting, I think for a viewer.
I think so. I mean, I mean, there's.
There's something there's stand up is moving at such a fucking
rapid pace. I find a hard time keeping up
with what everyone's doing on such big fucking scales.
I mean, you look at like to my friends who I mean literally the
last time they'll be opening for me ever is in February 8th, 9th,
10th and 11th, Shane Gillis and Mark Normand, both on the pod.
Yeah, they've done. They've done this.
Oh yeah, And so I mean. They both put out YouTube
specials and now they're so big. I mean, and I like, listen, I
obviously I think it's very clear I can sell tickets, but
we're doing 4 arena shows and I'm almost, almost 100% certain
they've sold out two of them for me.
Like they like just adding them to the, the list.
And it's, it's, it's why like I said to my wife, I was like, we
need to get, it's a Super Bowl that weekend.
And I was like, and I'm paying them like I would if they're,
they're featuring and you know, I'm getting the lion's share of
the money because it's, you know, my name, I'm promoting it.
I'm I'm the one closing it. I have to follow these two
fucking savages. And and I was like I said to my
wife, my wife's like you got to give them.
I mean, no one does 4 arena shows at my level is not that's
not normal. You know, it's like I do in A1
arena show, that's it. I'll do 1-2 and we did 2IN
Alaska. It's because it's Alaska was the
only thing coming, right. That makes sense, right?
You can do 2 some places, but fucking 4 is the next level.
And so as I got to buy him tickets to the fucking Super
Bowl, Yeah. And it's not cheap, those guys
and Joe List doing the YouTube. Thing, you know, I was like.
All right, that I didn't think. Of that, that, that everyone
wants to do that they're blowing up.
I mean Stavros is doing it. Schultz put out his special 12
million views. I can't wait to see the size
venues he does when he tours. I mean, he's going to be doing,
he'll be doing stadiums. I mean, he really with 12
million views on YouTube, he'll be doing.
Fucking. Actual stadiums.
It's interesting. It's interesting to me.
Excite. You know, we don't know what how
many views we get on Netflix. Yeah, but but I will say that I
probably am the luckiest individual in the fucking world
that my last special on Netflix came out three days after stay
at home orders. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Literally stay at home. Orders to happen on.
March 13th and 14th and my special came out March 17th and,
and I was like, I was like, not a bad time to put a special out
when, when the government says everyone needs to stay in their
house, yeah, don't leave your living room.
And they're like, oh, I wonder what's on TV.
Do you think I should hold my special back for a?
Pandemic, I would, I would sit on it, Ralphie May told me.
Pray for a snowstorm. That's what he said.
He goes, hey player, pray for a snowstorm.
I'll tell you right now, snowstorm doesn't shut down.
Power doesn't shut down. TV's just keeps them inside.
You better pray for a snowstorm N word does Ralphie.
And by the way. And so he was dead by the time
my special came out. But I would love to have told
him fuck a snowstorm dude. International pandemics.
Not bad business. Tom's came out the next week.
Me and Tom had the two of the biggest specials they've ever
put out because they were like, I mean, it shows you how bad of
comics we are is that we're not even close to Dave Chappelle,
but like the World Watch Star specials.
Oh yeah, I know you got to go, but next?
Time you tour, you got to do Belfast.
You don't know why I didn't do Belfast this time.
Your day off tomorrow, you'll do it tomorrow.
Yeah, we should put tickets on. Is there a comedy club I'd.
Do a fucking straight up just comedy club would you?
Where's the best? Where's the best point from?
Comedy scene in Apart from funeral in LA, what's what's
tomorrow? What day is tomorrow?
Saturday. Saturday we can.
I swear, right. We could do a show tomorrow
night in a great venue. Like, we could do a show and it
would be an unbelievable event, the place Kevin Hart played, and
it would, it would be, I don't know, maybe you can't do it, but
it would be. No, I remember the first time I
put tickets on. Sale.
I did a place called the Bill Murray.
Yeah. In London, Yeah.
It's a nice venue. Yeah.
And I was like I was. Like I wonder.
If I was just put her on sale, I'll announce it like a week
out. And I remember it was the first
time I I was like, I thought I was moving in the right
direction because it's sold out in like 30 minutes.
And I went whoa. And then I saw it's like 80
seats. Yeah.
I was like, OK, that makes sense.
But I was like, still like, yeah, yeah.
It turned out my whole trip to London to a business trip, Yeah.
I had a great set. My wife came and it was fucking
awesome. I love it over here.
I think it's great. I'll leave that.
Which Belfast is 19 minutes where?
You could do fucking Mountain A, We could do Mountain A tomorrow
and it would, it'd be huge. It would sell it.
We'd be hundreds of tickets. That'd be fun.
I would love to fucking I. Kind of feel like I need to work
out material. Well, that's a room.
That's a. Room.
Kevin Hart used to do that. That's fucking yeah.
Maybe we'll do that. I would love to fucking work out
some material and not these fucking the, I don't even know
how big the one we're doing tonight is, but these fucking
theatres are beautiful and it's hard to be, like, to fuck around
on stage in front of 3000 people.
Yeah, all right, I'm going to take a shit.
Yep, thank you for doing this. I said in the intro to this we
weren't here for and. I'm more excited to do an
episode. I'm a huge fan.
Oh, thank you. I really appreciate you.
Like in the venue doing this like I didn't, I didn't expect
you to agree to do this, but no, thank you so much.
Can I tell you? I said to someone.
This is going. To sound like egotistical.
But I said to someone, you reached out to me and you said
I'd love to do a podcast. The one of the things that I and
I get really excited about as a guy who has a podcast is when
you reach out to someone you want a podcast with and they go,
yeah, let's make it happen. David Spade did that for me.
Like David Spade. I'm a huge David Spade fan and I
and he, you know, I see him and stuff, but I was always nervous
to ask him to do my podcast. So I, I DM Ed him one night and
I was like, hey, man, I'd love to have you on my podcast.
And he went, yeah, let's do it. I'd love to do it.
He doesn't need to do it. He has nothing to promote.
He doesn't need to do it any other than really just letting
me fanboy on him and tell him that him and his group of comics
are the coolest dudes to ever do comedy, that they define my
sense of humour that like, I, I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm, you know,
it just, that was the thing. And I thought, like, I remember
when you hit me up, I thought, if, if at all I'm providing any
of that, then that's the coolest feeling as a podcaster is to get
the podcast with someone you want a podcast with.
Yeah. And so I was like, I was like,
if he wants to, then I want to, I used to be fucking aggressive
about it. Like, I would, people would hit
me up and they're like, hey, man, we have a podcast.
And I was like, let's do it. And you could tell they'd never
done a podcast before. And I was just hanging in the
room smoking weed in a dorm room.
Yeah. And I was like, and they're
like, do you wanna DMT? And I was like, no, I was like,
wait, what is this? And, and then I did one in
Edmonton. I did one in Edmonton.
And the guy had just found out he had genital warts.
And I was like, and he, he, it was like the, this is the very
beginning of podcasting. I drove to their apt.
I go to their apartment. We drink beers, we smoke a
joint. And the guy's like, I'm having a
rough day, man. And I went, really.
He goes, I think I got genital warts.
And I was like, I was like, everyone's got genital warts.
He goes for real? And I went, yeah.
And he goes, oh, you're making me feel so better.
I don't know what accent I'm doing, but yeah, yeah, no, I, I
appreciate it so much. No, I'm glad we did this and you
might have turned me on the. TI am, I've had two sips and I'm
buzzing Yeah, and I'm literally like a little of a great set.
You would have a great set anyway, but but.
This is that I'm going to be firing hot.
Like where the fuck? 'S Conor McGregor, yeah, Is he?
Is he? Popular here.
Some. Yeah, yeah.
He divides opinion. Yeah, it seems like because it's
like. It's like Hulk Hogan to us in
Florida. We're like the Hulkster, but
he's got some. Yeah, yeah.
He's not the perfect guy. He's not the perfect guy.
Hulk Hogan, baby. He let me tell you, that guy can
deliver a promo like no one's business.
I was fucking around with him. He we were doing a radio show
and actual Hulk Hogan, actual Hulk Hogan.
Yeah, we were doing. A radio show in.
Orlando and I was like Hulkster. I go, I fuck with my buddy Tom
all the time. I make fun of him for being fat.
We're doing this fat shaming thing.
Yeah, yeah, go can you if I put the camera on you, can you give
me goes? Sure thing, brother.
And so I got I have the camera and I cut him like you can find
this clip somewhere. I'm like, what's up Tommy?
I'm in Orlando. I'm having cold beers early in
the morning. I'm pretty good at promos like I
can roll them out and I go early in the morning and I'm with my
training partner in that right Hulk and Hulk grabs the phone.
He goes let me tell you something to titty Tommy and he
just fucking you got 90 inch guns running down on you.
Me and the machine are going to come after you.
Yeah, what are you going to do to like, he was so fucking good
that I went, I got done and I was like, that guy's got him in
his pocket. He was fucking awesome.
And then Tom's like, did you? Is that really Hulk Hogan?
I was like, if it isn't, I have the best imposter ever.
Yeah, I'm going to convert in. Comedians Charity Boxing in Four
weeks in the Ulster Hall in Belfast.
And I got to get inside my opponent's head.
So I need, I need to track down the whole who's your opponent
guy called Johnny Bo. You want to come?
You want. To come a bitch?
No, he might knock. Me out?
No, he won't. He won't.
I can't fight, neither can I. Neither can he.
Neither. Can any of the comedians on the
bill? But it's for charity, That's
what charity are you doing. It's.
For pips, it's like a. Charity in Belfast, OK, it's
going to be, it's going to be good.
Everyone taking a massive like to be honest, coming down from
Dublin today that I see this is taking a break from camp.
Here's my problem with charity. I don't get to see the payoff.
Like I want to see the look on the kids face when you feed them
for the first time. I want to like, I want give me
video like right. Hey, Bert, this is Saint Jude's.
Just, you know, he's walking like or something.
I want to see the payoff. And that's that's my hard time.
I let the only charity I I I I donate to Saint Jude's, although
they've been assholes to me. What what is that?
Sorry, I tried Saint Jude's. It's.
Well, Saint Jude's one of my medals I wear, but it's Danny.
Danny, what's you gonna call it? Set it up and it's it's for it's
for kids. It's for kids, so they don't
really need my money because like everyone donates to them.
So like every time I donate, I don't get like a thank you or
anything from the kids. No, but I don't need it from
them. But like, then I was going to
donate some money and they were like, Nah.
And I was like, what? They're like, you get it from
like you're getting into bars. We don't want it.
And I was like, is it the doorman from the London comedy?
Store could be, it could be. By the way, I'll.
Never perform there. That guy's waiting for me.
He's like, hello bro, it's me again.
Name's still not on the list. All you needed was a few steps
to tea in that accent. Just spot on for the first time
you did it. I can't wait to get my Irish
accent. Hello.
Nope, that's not it. You got to find an accent.
Finding an accent, finding an accent for me is like finding
the pussy in 7th grade. Do you remember when you were
like, you were like I it's got to be near the belly button,
right? And then you're like, wait,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm going around the corner.
Where the fuck is this thing? It was so much lower than you
thought it was. I remember trying to push
through her pubis going that's for Jerry.
That's true, Terry. It's got to be in the middle of
all the hair. And then I was like, it's under
is. I was like, am I in her asshole?
You find my accent weird? No, I.
Can I tell I find it very comforting?
OK, I find Irish accents very comforting.
I can get lost in the British accent, like I can get lost
listening to them. So I just that kind of like go.
I like dream. The Australian accent scares me
a little bit. German accent terrifies me on
the 9:00. And then my favourite accent is
probably like the North Carolina rich older man, right?
Who like dresses fine, but he's overweight and he wears his belt
above his belly button and you think he's, you can't tell if
he's gay because of his accent. He's like, boy, boy, come here.
Though. I, I was wondering, do you, do
you know what a mint julep is? Because this does not taste like
a mint julep. My my buddy's dad was, was that
guy and you boys. Going to get in the pool today.
And you're like, your dad wants to go swimming with us.
And he's like, no, he's just, he wants to drink.
He don't want to make sure no one drowns.
We're like, Are you sure that's why he watches us swim?
Bird, how's your daddy? My daddy?
Your daddy is. Your daddy still.
Doing the law, I don't know, in North Temple.
That's an interesting accent. I love that one.
I like that my wife's accent. I do her accent on my special
because I just trash her. What's a good the I mean, I I've
the Minnesota, the Canadian accent.
I fucking love. It's just so trusting.
Yeah, I did Toronto for the first time and.
April there the sexiest accents Montreal.
Is it? Yeah, they sound like they sound
like Pinky Tuscadero. Yeah, Pinky Tuscadero was Fonzie
girlfriend and Happy Days, and she had this real weird way to
talk fancy, you know, And like Montreal is like this weird
'cause they're a little bit of French, but they they also have
the action like this. I don't know.
And it's like, what the fuck is this?
There was a chick who was on the Travel Channel or Food Network
who had that accent and she was so fucking.
Hot, I watched. All the male Travel Channel and
and every male at this upfront meet her and be smitten with her
immediately, immediately. And then in the same breath,
there was a thing called the about these farmers, these kids
that were all farmers, seven of them, they had seven family
members. They all ran a farm and they
they were doing a show for Great American Country.
And I remember shaking a hand with a farmer.
Have you ever shaken hands with a guy that works with his hands
all day? And it was the most calloused
hands that I've ever seen in my life.
I have a joke. I had a joke about it.
His his. I go.
You can't jerk off His his hands are the texture of dog paws like
and so. But he he was gorgeous.
Everyone immediately was like that fucking guy.
All right, I got to go. OK, All right, I'm going to take
a shit. I might enjoy it.
Thank you so much. Thank you, brother.
Really. Appreciate it.
I appreciate it. You're on the team now.
I. Fucking love it I.
Might get a cup of tea before I go.
Out on stage? Easy, easy, easy.
What you say you're my mom? Are you my mom?
So you're my mom, you're my mom, right?
I I love you. I love you.
How you go there? Cheers your.
Brother, cheers.