I'm Michael. Che and I'm Colin Jose, and
we've got a little secret. Actually, it's a pretty big
secret. Well, now you got to give the
people something. I'm not saying a word.
Oh, then people will know to tune in.
Come on, tell them a little. Like how we're hosting of comedy
events streaming only on Peacock, exactly how it's called
New York After Dark and it's a comedy show that only features
drop in comic. Boom, you nail.
Into Michael Chase phone numbers.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
New York After Dark. It's some kind of comedy thing,
and it's streaming now only on Peacock.
You love it. Zippers, welcome to this episode
of the Tea With Me podcast. It's your boy, she and Todd.
Guys, couple things I hate right off the bat #1 global poverty #2
when the top of my hair goes over my ears.
And if you're watching the video version, you can see that that's
happening. And I hate that.
And also, but I'm thinking about bringing curtains back as a look
what's going to happen over the next couple of weeks.
Hair wise for me, nobody knows. But one thing is for sure, the
sun is out today. It's a good day outside.
Even though I'm wearing a very heavy fleece inside.
That's just because I went outside to do a bit of editing
and I didn't know what the temperature was.
And I put the fleece on thinking I'll warm up and then I'll take
it off. But it wasn't actually outside
for that long because then it came in.
You didn't need to know that. But what you do need to know is
today my guest is none other than Mr Colin Geddis, stand up
video maker man, you know, he he really, really is Colin, I had a
great chat, talked about tea, we talked about spice, talked about
comedy, everything in between. I think you're really going to
enjoy that. Colin's kind of like the OG of
Northern Irish podcasts. You know, OGOJ is kind of like
the OJ, like the OJ Simpson in a way of, of local podcasts, you
know, and then, and he sat down, had a, had a great chat with me,
which I, I really enjoyed because like catching up with
mates, you know, normally we'd be doing gigs together.
We, we maybe have something to eat or, or whatever.
And it's difficult, you know, and, and it was halfway through
this podcast, I was like, this is, it's like hanging out with
your mates again, you know, but then I really enjoyed the chat.
I think you guys are too. I'm not going to do a long intro
for this because I think we talked for a good amount of time
and look, we probably could have done a 10 hour podcast because
it's just great to catch up. This is the Tea with me podcast
with Colin. Get us.
Do you remember we ran a comedy club in the Odyssey for one week
because and we thought it was going to be class and I started
freaking out walking around and like touching an earpiece and
going, guys, we need to be live here in 40 seconds.
I think we thought we were running it and there was like a
network of like some of Ireland's biggest moguls running
it and we were running around getting paid about 8 LB.
Going I'm a businessman. Now what?
About the guy who just kept going, oh man, I just did a
waterfall there. Why?
Why about the kit you'd have to carry about to do a waterfall
and like the Odyssey? Toilets.
He's a proper businessman. He's like guys, go to look at
the overheads and projections here.
But hold on, let me do a long. Just the scummiest drugs.
Anyway, we'll talk about next year's projection, but here,
listen, I just smoked hash from a phantom Cam, so bear with me
to get the vision back on my left eye here.
I'm just nipping the fresh garbage here.
I just smoked spice. Who wants a burger?
Speaking of spice, who's hungry? Oh.
Fuck, I'm sweating. Oh, there were good times.
I remember when do you remember when I when you just started
doing stand up and I said listeners just barn Hollywood.
Why don't we do like an I'm fighter comedy night and you
said yes, let's do it. It was me you.
In fact, that wasn't even on it was you Mickey Sean and somebody
Paddy Mcgackie maybe yeah, and just how much you don't know
about business back then probably still don't.
I charged in the guy go. It was that same guy goes how
much do you want to charge here And I was just grateful they
were letting us do it. So and what if it was £2 and
I'll take a quid from every two and he goes yeah 100%.
It was £12 out of the door. Do you remember?
That was a total shit show. Like he goes there's there's so
many people in, but we'll get screens up in the smoking area
so they can watch the comedy. No, it's just a meet and greet.
Well, it's not like nobody give a fuck.
Yeah, I think especially with me, there was no point in me
even trying to do stand up for like another six years probably.
What did you do? Just just sort of start?
I mean, nobody was. Nobody really listened.
The only time anyone listened anyone was when Sean went on and
just sang The Fresh Prince of theme tune and then left.
And like, I remember the time I'd done so little comedy that I
was like, man, he's got some tricks.
Yeah, my dad still, my dad goes. So yeah, he should have tapped
into that. There was like, what?
I'm coming MC. He could have took, if that's an
original song, he could have taken that.
I don't even know where, where Beller is.
Like what? You know, he could have been
everywhere. Where is that Logan?
He's from Logan. Is he?
Up. There we did some, we did some
shit. When people say what's the worst
gig you ever done is yours Also the gig we did together in Derry
Mccash. Yeah, that was up there like and
I remember it, you know, it sounds like it sounds like diva
behaviour, but I literally in the middle of a sentence went
can any is anyone listening at all?
And if there was, nobody even turned like to look at me to be
like. What's he said?
They just kept talking and it was like such a wall of noise
and then I just was like, I just sat the mic down and just I was
tested it, but I just slowly walked off the stage and then we
were off and then I don't know who was driving, but there was
like. A thing was me.
There was a full. Blown riot in the in the car
park and the cars are just slowly moving through crowds of
people fucking digging ahead of each other.
Yeah, but with a bonnet. What's mad is we all get about
3-4 minutes each. They they all paid in.
It was like packed out and the people that were there had like
the best night they already made.
That was unreal. It's like fine, but yeah, I
think I was driving and we were parked outside waiting on Sean
to go and get us the money from the go and get us our six quids.
And and then there was a full riot in the car park.
And I just had to like, as I was waiting for him, just really
politely, like manoeuvre around the fight because it was moving
slowly and we had to just keep, excuse me, excuse me, maybe
Corsa. You're literally like nudging
people on the arse to get them out of the way while they were
like throwing digs all over the place.
Yeah, fuck, that was that was rough.
What else stands out as a real bad one?
We did. Together, yeah, there was a lot
of fucking Portrush Playhouse ones where like, like if we'd
have turned up the night before, the crowd numbers and reaction
would have been the same. Yeah, you know what I mean.
Like. You, it looked like a like a
cinema and I've had as many seats as a fucking cinema.
But then they would let in like 6 people because nobody, nobody
went out in that venue, which we didn't know you're, you know,
we're not from Port Rush Play but or not.
But yeah, they would just, no, nobody went to that venue.
Because I remember doing gigs after that down the street in
that Atlantic Lounge or whatever, the retro or whatever.
It's called. And I was packed twice, so I
think it was just like we picked the wrong.
The wrong place you like because I did.
I did the bar in there about two months ago.
It was class. Yeah, Kiwi.
It's got Kiwis now. The Playhouse yeah yeah, yeah
but it was I think it wasn't like there was 1 standout bad
gig it was just like the stupidity of turning up month
after month yeah getting the whole way there and being like
anyone in this week and. Why is this not different?
Yeah, trust me guys, this is going to be the week.
It's. Kind of the week.
I would do it up the back guys. I think.
I think there's one picture of me doing stand about it with
like, are we such alone? Because I must have thought it
wasn't going ahead and at the last minute as we were leaving
someone like no, we're we have enough to do it.
I think I just have a backpack on the one just doing doing a
set. Yeah, there's some there was
some bad ones. Let me ask you this.
I normally ask this is my first question, but let.
Me ask you this. Let me ask you this very
quickly. Have you finally run out of
celebrities to talk to? Nah, now I'm waiting for Jamie
Thixon. Oh.
Fuck, I've got a big. Case from the office.
Remember. Him.
Who's that guy from Blue Peter Liso?
The black, the news reader, He was the fucking shit mom.
He was the yeah, here's a beast. I've got Lisa, Lorraine, Kelly
and Dane bars coming. On next week.
Ding, Ding, Ding. I mean, I'll be a decent pod.
I would definitely. Be I'm nearly sure I because I
never went to a hairdressers when I was younger because my
mom cut her. And I said.
You're always bald. Pretty much, but I could
remember having a picture of the bars in a magazine because I
want my hair cut like that. Do you know when?
People take in photos of fucking Rachel from friends.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, females. Your hair looks like Claire
Balding's at the minute. I, I, I look at it and think
it's like DiCaprio and Titanic. And it is, but only if that if
they pull them out after a time. Oh fuck sake, that's.
What I took in a picture of the Cambrian when he's just lying on
that thing in the water, just. Fucking kid when's it loud with
her tits out like and you're like.
Can you do that? My Neo just stuck.
Yeah. I don't know what to do.
I think I'm just going to keep keep growing it.
I like it. But I just.
Shaved it, you know, that's, that's the move now, people just
shaving their head. Yeah, yeah, I normally ask
people do the drink, do the drink tea.
I here's the thing, you I don't think you can be tied down to 1
drink. Like anytime we've gone to have
tea or coffee, you're very like, I'll just get one drink.
I'll just get a tea or a coffee. And you'll, I feel like you go
up to the counter quite a lot of times.
Like you'll maybe start with AT and then go hold on, let me have
latte here as well. And then you get a latte and a
sparkling water and then just other drink like you'll, you'll,
you'll accrue a lot of drinks. What are you?
What are you drinking right now? Yeah, big beverage guy at the
minute. I know it's fucking tea with me
and all that shit, but I have a full pot of coffee there which
I'll probably RIP RIP through. But that also big beverage guy,
worst Marvel superhero them all. Fucking cars flying through
there and all these like is anyone thirsty?
Opens his coat big flask cans of Sprite yeah Andre I had AI had a
podcast of my own a couple of weeks ago and the title of the
podcast was Coffee slut because. People.
Get real fucking, you know, picky about like exactly what
coffee they have. Like I only drink black coffee,
but I'll I'll drink mine changes daily.
I'll be like I fucking Americano espresso, like it changes all
the time and like tea. I'll I don't really drink tea
that much, but I I always think of it as like a like in a
compliment to food. Tea.
Yeah, I. Like I would have, I would have
tea with like a breakfast. There's like I would never just
be like IA cup of cup. I could have a cup of coffee and
just have a cup of coffee. I do it 16 times a day.
But tea would never be like, oh, just made myself a wee tea and
just sip away. I feel like there has to be
something else with it. Hold on.
I'm in something that's up all the time.
But I never say like, I never get like excited about it, you
know? It's just, it's just a thing.
But I definitely like they see me coming with coffee.
You know, I'm I'm quite new to drinking coffee.
You'd see the pods, you know, you can get like ween espresso
pods, say it's like £2 for a wee box, but for £3 they put like a
an exotic country on it, like Columbus popping.
You get that gets me because I I don't know the difference
between ATS, but I will pay an extra quid and go.
But these these are from Congo. You know, I I don't understand
the difference yet, but. I mean, it's a, you could be
like, it's like craft beer or something, you know, people get
really fucking up their hole about it.
And do you remember that old Dilla Morton bit where he's like
about wine? He goes, you either sip it and
go, or you sip it and you go, oh, that's actually all right.
Yeah, yeah. That's, that's coffee.
It can be like, I've had coffee like, oh, this is a fucking, you
know, blonde roast such and such, and the caffeine's higher
and you and you drink it and you're like, that's fucking
disgusting. Yeah.
And then you'll just get like some shitty instant coffee and
you're like, that's actually not bad.
Big batsman here guitars on the wall.
Are you are you playing more? Are you playing more guitar?
Because I think whenever I was when I was at your when I when I
was at your parents house used to have in the original Island
fighter garage used to have a guitar and sort of is that the
white one? Yeah and just and just play the
odd like you know you're sort of like you'd be into it sometimes
and then not but have you got like way more into it or you
just like coming the guitars up? No, I've.
Done playing them like. I just like.
I'm the same old guitars the way I'm like with anything else.
If I actually fucking put my mind to it, I'll probably be all
right. So I mean, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. No, no.
You mean no? Like at the minute I'm like,
like, say if you were a footballer, you're like a guy
who's just really good at like keeping up some tricks, but you
haven't played a game in years. Yeah.
But that's what. It's like packed in the.
Maradona 7 Yeah, I should. Actually, you know, like the the
dexterity and the fucking all that's decent, but I just don't
know any theory which I should I should learn like probably.
I went to guitar. You probably knew me at this
time. I went to guitar lessons twice
in Hollywood. And the guy who was a Scottish
fellow teaching me, Ronan Keaton.
When you say nothing at all. And I lost the head left and I'm
never going to be able to play this Kevin just.
'Cause I could, I could do the singing.
But I just couldn't play. See Making.
You sing at the same time, yeah. This guy just.
Trying to fuck you like you know.
Can you sing this to me? Because I couldn't, I, I could
do, I could do a chord spot on, but it took me about 10 minutes
to get my fingers round and I, which is weird considering the
length of my fingers, but I couldn't get round to the next
chord in time, You know, I mean, like they'll be still like
they'll be too long in between. Like sometimes it's fine play a
chord and then leave a wee bit of atmosphere.
But it was just, it was just too long.
It looks amazing. But it's like, yeah, like.
How you you need to literally just go between them?
You know, till to the point where you don't look or think
about it. It's just like you can just move
your hands. When when do you think we'll be
doing stand up? Because I've.
I've There's so many different theories, opinions out there I
think. You will be able to do some sort
of, well, I mean, literally, I was, I was talking to our shared
promoters about fucking outdoor gigs.
Yeah. Same which might.
Be I would do it. I would do it in this time just
for like the vlog, you know what I mean?
Just as a moment to be like, do you remember how crazy that was?
But I'd say there'd be like fees and gigs, probably in the
summer. Yes, they'll be.
It might be. Weird like but.
Yeah, reduced capacity kind of thing and I don't.
Think Turin and big, big gigs will be, you know, probably
fucking early middle next year probably I'd say.
Yeah. Like it was so like, did you
have to? Do you have to cancel any?
Live stand up or you just kind of finished doing shows.
It might have been the right time, yeah.
It was, it was actually perfect for me because I got all the
shit done, the two big shows and then wasn't really doing
anything anyway, just doing the odd libraries.
And then the lockdown came and I only had to cancel 1 live
podcast which was supposed to go ahead but.
Yeah, like. Obviously we're talking about
like booking more SSE shows, but it's going to be October next
year. Like, yeah, because, you know,
say everything just fucking. You got the green light in like
a month. None of us have done stand up.
Oh. Yeah, do you know what I mean?
So it's like, you can't be like, come see me at the SSE.
It's the same. Set as last time and then I'll
just throw in a bit of Corona jokes.
Do something real like at the start, just something really
like some sort of lockdown joke or whatever and then just
straight into the said, I think the.
Big. Thing is, he's going to be not
doing any coronavirus material when this is because whatever
joke I think you can think of, unless it's like a a personal
experience story, whatever joke or material you can think of, I
just have a feeling that I'll be just about to go on stage and
whoever's on before will do the joke and I'll go.
Yeah. Oh.
Shit. It's gonna be.
Hold on there, change it. There we go.
It's gonna be. Yeah.
You're gonna really have to bring the fucking fire.
Like if you've got Corona stuff, Yeah.
Or. You know, it might be like this
is your experience during lockdown type thing.
If I was going to do it, I would definitely go down the racist
route of of picking on the Chinese.
But yeah. Or or your normal set as it's
known. I actually.
I had. A.
Fucking joke there before the lockdown, just when coronavirus
was starting to kick about and I, it was like so rough, but it
was like it was all true. But it was like that.
If I could have done that a couple more times, I feel like
it could have been a really fucking good bit about like
about what, why, why, why do like a lot of Asian countries
eat the weirdest ship just because they think it's going to
give them a fucking boner. You know what I mean?
Everything they, you know, you ever watch those travel shows?
The guy's eating like a shark bollock and he's like, oh, it
points at his Dick and he's like.
And. You know, fucking Andy
Bourdain's like, oh, I think he's trying to say it makes you
fucking fertile, gives you a route that there's a lot of
stuff they eat. And then my joke was there's
about fucking 3 billion of them. Like I think they're, I think
they're fertile enough. And then the joke was they were
so fertile, you know, a couple of decades ago that they
literally were drowning their own daughters.
Now that's absolutely, that's absolutely true.
But everyone goes oh. How much do you miss that noise
of crowds? Oh, and just someone going Oh my
fuck. I don't like it because I know
that they don't care. It's like a a panto.
Type. It's like a.
Virtue signal, as they as they say now, like that's them going.
I can't not make that this noise.
I have to if I've got a laugh, I have to, you know, make that
noise first. There's actually.
Around the corner from me in Balnahinch, there's a Chinese
medicine like practitioner guy, you know, does like alternative
type type things. And I don't know, I think it's
kind of all right. Like I went to him for Crohn's
disease and he just gave me spice is.
He is he Chinese? Well.
No, not really. Is it like you go in with a
store back and you leave with a Curry half and half?
Everything. They recommend.
Listen man, it looks like arthritis, but if he takes some
satay King prawns might be it might heal up.
Coleman chow Mein AIDS is. It of an ice.
Cream roll. Here for AIDS starts going.
Through the fridge. Where is it?
While we're on. Racist rants.
Why didn't why do more Chinese restaurants here not take
contact list? But anyway, yeah, none of them
do. None of them take it.
I yeah, I don't know. I think if I was doing a gig
tonight, you would you would be rusty.
But because it'd be such a novelty to do it again, I think
you'd be on form, you know, like, I think the, the nerves
would be there. But then the second or third
time you did it, I'd say that's when you'd start to notice.
Like, no I'm not. It's a.
Material too, like I want to be doing.
I've written 15 minutes and new stuff since all this so I feel
like I've always doing stand up tonight.
Because. It because it would be so new I
could get away with it, but you still need to like try that
material obviously. And I know I wasn't I don't know
about you, but I wasn't doing any writing at the start of this
for about a month and a half. Just couldn't, couldn't write
stand up just because I couldn't pitch like.
The. Excitement of writing Stand up
for me is say I'm writing it on a Tuesday afternoon.
I can then message you and be like here, can I do libraries
tomorrow and try this or pops on Thursday.
But when you've nowhere to do it, the incentive sort of goes
away a bit. It's just.
It's just like having a purpose. It's like.
Yeah, you got. To be you got to be fucking
doing it with with a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.
Like this is what what I'm doing for type thing.
Luckily. For me, you know, I very rarely
sit down and just like I'm going to write now unless, unless it's
for a video, but you know, I've just been throwing some things
in my phone, like different stuff.
And there, there are things that I know when I, when I go to
write about them, there'll be like a lot of stuff in there.
Yeah, because I was going. To call next year's big shows
unbelievable, which was kind of because I said a lot on podcasts
when I fucking listen back, I'm like, that's, that's like a like
a tech. But then just if you were to
fucking tell people this the story of what I've been through
in the last year and then throw in like this fucking pandemic in
the mix of it, it is kind of fucking, I just thought it would
be a good name, like unbelievable.
So there's stuff there's like a lot of sort of like weird shit
in there that I could write about.
Yeah, that's good. That's good as well because it's
not really tying you to a specific thing.
You're just talking about the fact that so much has gone on
your life in the last year. It's not like it has a it's not
like it has a theme that boxes in too much because I think I've
done that before where I've like come up with a title for a show
or a theme of a show and then two months out gone.
I this show in no way like it's going to be shit that I just
make it about this. So I just started making them
way more loose. Yeah, like like I wrote that the
two shows ago. It was the Todd father about it
was a whole show about the tattoo.
I didn't. I didn't talk about that at any
point of the show. I know.
It's like, I know Dave had the dad show, Yeah.
And it's fucking. It's so hard not to like as soon
as you have a kid talk about it loads.
Well, I'm thinking that at the minute, I'm like, it's all my
material going to be that. Is it going to be similar to any
material that any of you, Dave, any of my mates have just come
to us? Like are we going to have kind
of the same material or I, I don't know.
I guess it depends if, if, if something I think if something
happens to me in the process of having the baby that I go, oh,
this is beyond mental or this is very me, then I'll do it.
But like, yeah. I think I feel like a whole
show. Around, I don't know, yeah.
If it's very you, that's. That's the.
Like whenever. I was talking about when Eddie
was born. Like this ball bag being fucking
enormous. That's very.
Me, yeah. I mean, I don't know, it's weird
because I think because because we're in like in the middle of
pregnancy, in lockdown, there's not the sort of stories you
maybe normally have like life's different.
Like we're not out and about or getting people's reaction.
You know, just like just like being out, say out for a
restaurant and, and she's got the bump or whatever and people
maybe someone's saying something to you or whatever.
We're not getting any of that. So it's hard to like actually
come up with material for it, but I just.
Chilling. Is she working?
No. Well, from home.
Yeah, from home. It's probably, you know what?
It's probably not the fucking the worst thing.
Yeah, do. You know what I mean?
Like just, you know, I'm like, I know when Maureen was pregnant,
there was a few times like I went to this coffee shop and
this guard was like fucking ready to pop, like still
working. And I was like, you know, you're
looking at you're like, I feel like you shouldn't be working
right now. You think that?
That, obviously people have. To like but that pit and.
Curb Your Enthusiasm when the the one really with the big
bumps on the treadmill and he's just he's just given her the
look. I don't know, it's it's
obviously weird that we're about to have a baby in lockdown, but
what's it like having a baby in lockdown?
It's fine. I mean, I'm jealous.
You see, when everyone puts things up and they're like, oh
man, I'm so bored and I wish I had something to do.
And I'm like, I used to make, you know, fucking pottery when I
was in school. And I've taken that back up or
they put up a photo and they're like, I cleaned the whole back
patio with a toothbrush. Before and after I.
I, I, I haven't, I haven't experienced that.
I've had more to do, you know, because like, obviously like
yourself, you start doing more Patreon stuff and you end up
doing 3 podcasts a week and that fucking turns over so quickly
and then the baby is like, you know, before you know it, it's
10:00 at night every day. You're just like, what the fuck?
At night now he's like waiting. So not only do you feed him
bottles, but you have to set him down for these like fucking
meals where he just fucking takes food and just mashes it
all over his face like father. Like son, yeah, you do that.
Like, fuck you. You do that three times a day
plus all the bottles and you're like, all I've done is sit here
like at one point. Sometimes I'll be.
Like I need to see a like a physio from just holding this
fucking baby like this and now he weighs like 8 stone.
You're like fucking dying trying to feel so like yeah, the I mean
I have to make appointments to do work, if you know what I
mean. I have to, I have to say to
Maureen like I will not be here in these in these hours or else
I'll just fucking not get anything done.
So. Sometimes I wish like already
thinking about that kind of thing and having to do that a
bit. I wish we did something like a
bit more like noble because when you're like, listen, I have to
get off here. Why?
I'm I'm doing a podcast with the NC Harriet.
I have to, I have to. It'd be way better if you're,
you know, if you're a doctor or whatever, but.
Listen, Van Morrison. Dropped out from the podcast so
I'm talking to Woodsy. And asking him the same
questions. So this.
Second album, Is that what it really picked off you?
What's funny is like at this time of morning, like we're the
only two people who could have done this podcast because no,
let's get up before 4 for sure. I did a podcast where I'm the
other day and I was like, it's like, it's like I had a friend
who died because like I can't contact him.
Like you know what I mean? You'll text them and be like, oh
man, what do you, what do you think of this?
And then attended to fucking 11 at night.
He'd be like, sorry man, just woke up.
I mean, I, I said to you about about going up, sleep down or
the other day I was like, here we should, we should all go up,
you know, all the boys. And very quickly you're like,
hey, who? Who would also go?
Yeah. I know I remember and you know,
in that, in that little comedians group and the I can't
remember what order it was, but like, was it who the fuck was
it? Dave?
Maybe put something in and you know the way like you see a
message with no replies for like 10 or 15 minutes and I was like,
it was either Dave or Patty or Casey and I was like, I Dave,
don't worry, I've seen it. I have a child too or something,
you know, like and it was basic. It was basically everyone that
has a kid was already up being like, yeah, yeah, we're all,
we've all been up for fucking hours here, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I, I think that is a silver lining for me in a way
like with all, all the early mornings that are coming because
I get up really early for no real reason.
So I think I think that is going to be easier, but I don't like
people are freaking me out with this six weeks thing.
This seems to be a big thing, the first six weeks.
Let's see, the first six weeks. You've got to get through the
first six weeks. Did you notice that?
Yeah. You see the thing?
Is like you know I would have. I would get.
Up early enough, you know, I, you know, I'd have to be
drinking the fucking five in the morning before I would sleep in
the like 11 or 12 or something. Yeah, but like, which is real
hard to do with a child. But you, you just you think that
like I would, I would think like, oh, I stay up late and I
get up early and you know, I'm not that big a fan of sleeping.
But what happens is it's not like you're well rested and well
slept and well fed. And then the beat someone
delivers you the baby. You go from like, oh, this looks
like she's going to have this baby here.
And then you're awake for fucking 48 hours.
Then you get a baby. And you take.
It home and you're trying to figure this shit out and you're
like absolutely fucking knackered and depend on whether
or not these are breastfeeding or not.
Like if you decide to breastfeed the IT seems sort of harsh, but
the best thing to do is you just don't wake up at night and she
feeds the baby all night and then you take the baby in the
morning and she sleeps because we made the mistake of like I
would get up and be like standing there like do you need
any assistance? There's there's no point in like
both of us being awake at all because then you wake up in the
morning and it's honestly like you ever see the, you know, like
2 heroin addicts at a bus stop and people are like as Pines
fall apart. That's that's what user like
just you'd be like. Is it?
Do you want a piece of toast and
you're fucking like. Like flopping off.
The sofa people. Gone to the dogs.
But like, it's, it's honestly like someone said like, oh, the
first three months or whatever. And honestly, like, I think when
they say three months, they mean like the sleeping pattern and
everything. But like, let honestly, it must
have been like 3 months up to the fucking day.
And Eddie just slept through the night and we were like, you
know, Oh my God. So and then they get the hang of
that for a few months and then they start getting teeth and
then it's fucking up all night. I have to tell you this the
other night, like Eddie's been sleeping well and then he got a
few teeth in and and then they they came through a bit and then
he set all the way bit and then he started eating food.
And obviously like the whole, the whole nappy situation is a
fucking journey. The whole time you're like, oh,
regular shit, absolute disaster. What's this tsunami of shit?
Is he OK? But we were feeding him like,
you know, pure in like cauliflower and wheat broccoli
and stuff. And now that I think about it,
I'm like, this would be a grown adult shit as pants.
Oh, but also, that's my writer for Stand Up Show.
Can I get pure age fuck but that So we we went to bed the other
night, right? He fell asleep downstairs.
We carried him up, put him in the wee bedside cop thing, both
of us asleep. He's asleep and then just wakes
up screaming like full blown, like not even crying, just like
with his eyes closed and just screaming and screaming.
And he was like sweating. He was like clammy.
And I was like, Oh my God, fucking whipped all the they
sleep in this week, like sleeping bag thing.
Took all that shit off, took all the clothes off just as nappy.
And he's like sticky like sweating, screaming and
screaming and screaming. And I automatically was like
when I jumped out of bed, I was like pulled a pair of shorts on
and put a hoodie on. And when we went downstairs, I
had car keys in my pocket and I was like, we're going to have to
fucking go here somewhere. And I was like, it's, it's
obviously like his, his belly or something.
You know what I mean? The way he was like struggling
like this. I'm more even sitting on the
sofa hold and he just fuck it. I swear to God, the the longest
fart you've ever heard in your life.
And like a fucking like a truck driver with diarrhoea.
It was like. And it wasn't.
Even a ship. But he was, it was obviously
like just gas. You know.
Like when you fart yourself, there's, there's a bit of,
there's a bit of like cooperation with the fart.
You know what I mean? You're like.
You push. It out of it, he just like it
was. Just it was, it was like
someone. Fucking knife the tyre.
It was just like and he he did a couple of these honestly like
fucking 10 second farts and then just straight to sleep, no
clothes on, sweating. And the funniest bit of it was.
I had to. I had to turn out in the
morning. When he fucking dropped 1 and I
was like, because we're part you're panicking.
It's stressful when a baby's just like screaming and I and I
was like, I legit was like, was that you or him?
And she was like, it was him. And I was like, thank God.
It would it would have been way, way more funny in all the heat
of that. You know.
If you had about like. Like was.
That your image. That was me, but phone an
ambulance. That's like, I've never changed
to not be on a baby before or an adult.
I just, I just like, I know it'll be, I know it'll be grand.
Like I'm, I'm sort of calm, but it all.
But I've never had like, sleep disruption ever.
Like, you know, I can get 16 hours a night.
Like I don't, I don't like to be woken up.
Like I'm hoping whenever we actually go to hospital to have
there'll be another card just for the wee man to get in.
Well, yeah. That's that's the issue.
Like, you know, I got sent home by a midwife.
She was like can you go home please and go to sleep?
Because you'll be. No use to anybody.
And I was like, OK, yeah, Just like I don't know how many
fucking times I've been up and down to Craigavon Hospital at
this point. I could drive there with my
fucking eyes closed but don't. But don't.
Don't. But yeah, it's fucking.
It's just it mightn't be a bad thing.
That there's. Like a lockdown because at least
you'll you'll be there a lot you.
Know. Have you had like contact with
anyone else? Like even like we sort of
social. Sitting in the.
Garden jobs now not. Not really, no, no.
That. I mean, we were lucky that like
Maureen's family were quite close and they obviously more
after that. Maureen was in hospital and
stuff. So like her sisters were so
helpful and her mum and everything.
That I don't know whether. Yeah, I don't know, It might be
OK because they're in lockdown. You don't have much else to do.
Yeah, Yeah. But because I was, I was on
fucking terror and going in the hospital boring and everything,
you know what I mean? It was like fucking chaos.
But yeah, you should be all right.
Like you just, you'll just be tired and like, yeah, things go
out the window where like, you know, the house is a fucking
mess and all that. Shit but like.
Who gives a fuck girl baby, why? Are you not helping me tidy?
I know. That would be my concern with
you is like and I, I envy this. And you, sometimes you, you can
be like, this is the way I like it and that's it.
And I, I, I get like 100 I, I wish I was a wee bit more like
that. But yeah, there, there'll be a
few times where like you're, you'll feel invisible.
Do you know what I mean? Oh, I'll say something about it.
Oh no. It doesn't matter because like.
See. Was it?
Last was last year with the big Odyssey shows.
Was that was that this year? 1010 year anniversary of Iron
Fighter Was that last year? This year, Yeah, it was like.
Last July so. You.
You were gonna. Like do like the shows were kind
of like a big marker of of that, like a big celebration of of
that. And you were you were like
shooting some stuff. Like we shot a couple of things.
Yeah, you were gonna do like a big like 10 year and fighter
thing. But obviously, like with
everything that went on, you you you probably just didn't get the
vote as much time that maybe as you thought you were going to.
Are you still planning to do something like like a big video
type thing? I think I saw you then again
maybe mention it like a couple of weeks ago I think.
It's just. I think, I think now I like, I
need to like delegate a lot of stuff.
You know, if I was looking at all the stuff I was doing, you
know, filming a full length documentary for fun on the side
doesn't really fit into the schedule too well.
So what I would rather do is hang back and.
Just figure A. Figure, you know, I would nearly
like set build it around a gig. So like have a premier gig and
if people bought tickets have like a package where you get a
ticket, you get to come to see the thing.
There'd be a bit of stand up and maybe like get a merch or
something thrown in and try and actually pay some people to
fucking help me out and like make it like properly make it
instead of me set, you know, set my camera up and trying to piece
it together. So I'd rather do it properly and
try and make a bit of an event of it.
Just like I guess a bigger version of the things we started
doing like when you when you, me and Mickey first met doing well
maybe childhood this in the second the famous BBC sketch you
lol. Oh yeah.
You, you had an iron fighter premier.
You weren't even you. I don't think you were in stand
up yet. No.
In Steph Kitten. And it was me, Mickey and
General Fiasco. Me, Mickey.
General Fiasco. More than conquerors.
Is that right? Well, generally that's all the
lads. Maybe not.
He was more than conquerors. Yeah.
But Oh yeah, we did a formal with general fiasco.
That's what. Remember, there was just a
she's. Fucking.
Terrible one me you, Mickey and general fiasco didn't school
formal. I mean now that would be great,
but back in the day it wasn't so great.
I just. Got fucking like PTSD there when
you said that, yeah. How many?
Gigs like I that, that's one thing you develop over the
years. It's just the confidence that
they say no. Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like.
You know, maybe you sort yourself out and you you're in
some way financially stable and you can just be like, I'm not
doing that for. I.
Think, I think what what you do get over time is the ability to
sniff out when someone's I mean, you can get we'll you definitely
get it wrong from time to time and you go, this'll be all right
now it's not. But I think, you know, off the
face of it, when you've done enough bad ones, you go.
I know from everything this person saying they mean the
best, but this is not going to be good.
Like this isn't going to work. So you probably like figure that
out quicker. But it is mad the first couple
of times that you turned because back in those days we've done
anything for £50 on a stage. Yeah, but but now you kind of
have to balance it out against but.
Like. Do I want to go and do this?
And it's terrible. And there's 300 people there who
even though it's not like a proper stand up gig, they might
judge on it or, or something, You know, I think it's better
just to eat, just to be able to go, like you say now, like, no,
that's not I I. I think if if you're a comedian,
you get the certain level of people are coming pen to just
see you, yeah. Yeah, you're done.
You know what I mean? It's like that's how you do
stand up now. It's like, it's almost like, you
know, if you were like a professional sports person, you
would be like, I play at the top level on the best pitches with
the best gear and the best people around me.
That's how that's how you're going to get the best enemy.
I don't need to turn up on a Sunday and some like Ploughed
Field to play fucking rugby or so you know what I mean?
It's like, give me the best shit at the Valley.
Exactly. Give me the best shit.
Yeah, I know. But yeah, I mean, having said
that, if someone was like, do you want to do a formal with
general fiasco now I'll be like, fucking right.
It would actually be like good crack man.
Because you wouldn't. Give a fuck at all but I
remember like you know, join them for.
The last song. That the Rebel get by, general.
Fasco or like, oh, do you remember they had AI now?
I was trying to, I seen the scenario that was about to
happen and I started drinking like a fucking maniac.
It was terrible. And The thing is, back then, you
have no ability to adopt. You basically go this are the,
these are the set of tools I have and I'm going to go up and
do this bullshit material about Loose Women here and there.
Everyone's just eating a fucking Pavlova.
Like no, give us a 17 year. Old do you remember?
Was there a hotel room if I remember correctly?
Basically. Straight outside the back door
of the room, the. Band.
Yeah, I wasn't. Oh yeah.
Usually smoking with them. I think I can.
Remember literally going out like 2 fire doors like this in
the hall, in the hall and through a door and that was like
their room. Yeah, vaguely, vaguely rings a
bell. But I, I, I feel like I missed
so much back in those days because I didn't smoke.
Everybody smoked and I just, it was just always me and like the
sound guy just standing there. I like the background.
Oh my God, we've got listeners questions, we'll get to them.
But first of all, lol, we did a me me.
We met because me, you, Mickey, Ashlyn, B, Yasmin, Akram, couple
more people did a sketch show. We've all done well.
Look at us now it. Lets you goes like Ashley B
Hollywood superstar. Yes, yes, man, Akram Sherlock,
you know she's done like a load of BBC drums.
And then the boys still kicking about where you left.
Where? Where is she making calling now?
She is talking. She is.
Talking. Into ATV remote and I'm drinking
out of a fucking flask. Killing.
It that that. That, that is the, that was the
epitome of being asked to do something, not asking any
questions, just going like, oh, it's a, it's ABBC.
It's the British Broadcasting Corporation coming to us,
looking us to be in a show. Yeah, you, you.
Came to the pavilion to watch a bit of stand up just when that
show like almost got announced. We were.
Just there to watch a bit of stand up.
We got chatting then and then we did this sketch show, which
there were definitely like decent sketches in it, but then
there was a lot of sketches that were that were not decent.
And the good thing about it was it got like, it got a lot of
shit, like a lot of people hated it, but not enough people
watched it where it was bad. And back in the day, that's a,
that's a win. Oh yeah, you know what I mean.
When, when people hate it, but not enough people saw, you know,
that, that that's sort of a success.
Like I remember doing a sketch. Of course, I was doing like a
Danny Dyer impression sketch. And by the way, I could not do
an impression with Danny Dyer. Why did they let me do it?
And it was Danny Dyer's deadliest man.
And I had written one to do to shoot it a caricory road bridge.
That's what it was. It was Danny Dyer's deadliest
bridges. And, and I remember on the day
turning to Ray the producer and being like here, what time are
we going to caricory that to do this?
And he goes, ah, fuck it, we'll go to the Ormoor Road and shoot
at the bridge there. That, that summed it up.
That was, that was the, that was the show.
Well, it's I don't. Know how many times I fucking
shit on the BBC at this point, like, but this is what they do
they they fucking have no calm. Like by the way, any any day of
the week they could ring me. You fucking make any anybody
McCann even like Dave, certainly I'd be like, can you make us a
cheaply made, very funny sketch show?
And it would be fucking finished by the end of the week and it
would do well. But they they they never commit
to anything. They're like, this is
experimental, which means if you think it's shape, sure, we
weren't really trying, you know what I mean?
We, we sort of did that in a way with and I'll show you how good
something like that could be with a thing called hack job,
which was what it sounded like. We just went out and fill them
like a load of sketches in at the dub, at the playing fields,
at the dub and got got mates to send stuff in.
You cut it together with a bit of a sting at the start and it
was, it was better than a thing. It was better than any of those
schedules. If I have.
One talent. It's making up like a formula
and giving it a name. I'll tell you.
What? It would fucking thrive right
now 100%. Because.
It was basically like a collaboration show, but you, you
sort of didn't have any responsibility for anyone else's
shit. Everybody, everybody did their
own stuff. And then I cut it together and
it was like the fast show, like dead quick cuts and everything.
And it was fucking brilliant. And it cost nothing.
But I, I can remember doing that at the time like as a bit of a
fuck you to, they were making another show.
Was it late Licence 2 or something?
Is that about the same time? I want to say yeah, yeah, yeah,
it was. We were supposed to do that and
then we didn't. Yeah, I.
Mean it's it's hilarious that like how shit it is when like a
bunch of fucking broke comedians are saying no to TV work that's
how shy it was you're like Nah, it's actually doesn't pay me and
I'm going to look like a cunt and no one's going to see it
anyway so well we. We just said like, because we
were going to we did the first year he's a late licence and
then we didn't do the second one and we were like, look, let's
just do something else and do our own like what we think
something would and should look like.
But hack job was great. I think we did maybe six of them
or something. They were just short episodes,
like the boys were doing positive spied as well, which
was like you could definitely still do that now.
Like that was brilliant. You could do a.
Million of them. I yeah, like I was, I was trying
to think of a way to like get 6 of them easily.
And it was like, you know, say you had a SketchUp be like film
six of those. Yeah, me and Begley went and
filmed that actor acting coach guy and shot like six of those
and did a bunch of shit. But that's all it takes.
Like you just come up with like a wee formula film, film like 6
or 8 of them and have six or eight people do that and then
all of a sudden you've got like, you know, a fucking miniseries
like. Yeah, because.
There's no like, There's no like.
Not just locally, but like, I don't think there's any sketch
real sketches anymore. And it's a shame because people
are like, oh, sketches dead. It's not.
It's just about doing it right. Nobody like that's one of the
things I maybe look into when this whole thing is over is like
instead of giving off about the BBC and how shit everything is
and nobody backs any local like actual talent.
You know what I mean? Like some people get, you know,
we better work here and there, but it's like, you know, I'd
love to try and somehow crowdfunder, fund something
differently to actually make like the TV show that you want
to see. Well.
You could do that like like I guess Patreon is is taking off
so much for everyone and that's what people are essentially
letting you do is just here creatively, I'm going to back
you here like financially as well.
And then you just get there. Like it?
It just brings a wee bit of that freedom to to go and do the sort
of project you want to do. Like I haven't been doing it for
very long, but even now I'm like flip.
That's that's people who trust you almost.
And they're like here, keep making the things you're making,
you know, because they understand that it's not like
maybe it was back in the day where a broadcaster would go
here. We're just going to like employ
you for a year, right? Stuff, you know, we'll, we'll
put out the old thing. So think like Patreon is that,
is that news? I mean, I'm aware I sound very
old when I say Patreon's that new thing, people.
It's been the new thing for a decade.
But then yeah, I think we I think there's always been like
here, should we do this and do that?
Then with the whole lockdown thing, like not just stand up,
but with so many things, I'm like, why?
Why do I always say like, oh, this would be a good idea and
then not do it like the other day when we were talking about
that sleeve Donner thing. Look, I haven't seen that for
years. I'd love to see a sunrise up
sleeve Donnerd. And then just went this.
There's no excuse not to do it now, you know.
So I'd say if if, if you or collectively we were all doing
something like that, now would be the time to start planning
it, you know, because everybody should now be going right.
What what are we doing after this?
Like I don't know what I'm doing after this.
Well, the. Patreon thing was is weird too,
because like it's such a weird like people who people who are
on my Patreon, like I'll put something up and people are
like, man, thank you so much for uploading this.
And you're like, what do you mean?
Thank you? You're paying the fucking see it
back, but you can't, you can't make enough stuff.
And like, even, you know, I get fucking hounded for stuff.
I'll be like, oh, I've got a live podcast that I found here
and I'd upload it. They were like, where's this
live podcast? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I. Noticed that or when you're like
a day. Late with a podcast?
Yeah. Or like calling me.
I've had a. Lot of I've merch from the
Odyssey that. I've changed them.
I was. Going to make a new shop and all
this bullshit and people are like, can I just fucking send
you money and you send me even if it's not on the website?
Where's these fucking like people looking to like orange
beanies in the middle of summer? You know, so it's class that
they're, they're so hungry for stuff like, but, and then I sort
of like, I put the, I put like last year's stand up show and
the SSE show online and people are like, it's fucking mental to
see like people tagging you on, you know, Instagram stories and
stuff. And they're like sitting down
their Saturday. Night Doritos.
Out bears at all watching the fucking show and you're like,
that's wild. Well.
That fucking wild that is, I think whenever you see the
something you're you're doing and then you see like directly
see the feedback it's getting like that's why maybe it's
difficult with TV because it's harder to get a gauge on how
people are interpreting it or whatever.
But whenever me and Dave were doing the radio show and you'd
see people being like, you see people with a carrier and their
families sitting and you're like, what's mental is this is
just audio. You know what I mean?
Like this is just it's on old school.
Radio days where people are like.
Spotify exists. You could just go and listen to
the tracks, but they're actually being like, no, this is like our
we weekend, by the way. I bet you're fucking, you know,
I bet you there's established. You know.
Radio and actual dance DJ's going like who the fuck?
Is this fucking asshole Pete Tong slamming down his
newspaper? Fuck.
Is Sean? Yeah, but.
Just just like. You.
Know all these fucking you know, guys like, well, it's Saturday
night with such and such and here's all the tunes and you
swat in and be like I you know, I bet you're probably at the
desk on I don't even know what buttons to touch play fucking
Gina G and I think I touched the button.
Oh. No.
Just you. One of those like, hey, it
brushes in your mouth like you're fucking.
I was doing a show in a hazmat suit way before Corona.
We've got listeners questions. We'll rifle through some of
these. Oh, Jesus, you saying that
reminds me of remember that interview we love?
And it's, I think it's a woman, Doctor Dodd, who interviewed the
guys in the graveyard, your McDonald's.
And it's the two guys in West Belfast standing with her arms
around each other outside of bookies.
You're the one I'm talking about.
And she's like, what if I told you I'm Jewish?
And he's like, what? The fuck You're the.
One I'm talking about. Vaguely.
Is that a different video? Yeah, yeah.
It's earlier in that. One video it's from.
The same time she was here, but it's it's a different video and
I don't know why I haven't been able to find it since.
But guys, never. Even heard that.
Jewish fuck sake. Have you I I've been talking
about it flat out in the podcast of tagging or I'll send you the
clip, but there's a clip. It's my, it's my it might be my
favourite video ever. Where like.
It must be. From the 90s maybe.
And they were, they'd shut off. I don't even know what Rd it is
or where the fuck it is, but there's like a March going on or
something and they've shut the road and this guy who couldn't
look more, you know, like moustache, big square glasses.
And he goes, he comes out, he goes, there's a line of cops and
he goes. Can't even get that chippy.
I can't even get that Chinese. And he goes.
I can't even get a pet. And then and then he's so
intense and he just goes, I guess what's all this?
And it is. It's the fucking.
It's. So he's so intense and it's it's
my favourite clip ever. Like just to be like, he's like,
this is it's Friday night. I need a Chinese and he can't
get past this line of pingers and he's like, what the fuck?
Tremendous. Like, and the amount of people
hit me up like, where's that clip?
Where's that clip? And it's just six seconds of
fucking gold. Oh my God.
Very. Enjoyable.
What's all this and I supplement says who'd win in the thumb war?
Me 40% from about four metres. Away I have like I I when I did
judo when I was younger, I fucking fully desiccated my
thumb and it but it came out and went back in in the same
movement and it was like enormous.
And I have like, you know, it's like a crocodile's jaw, like all
the pressure just goes down. I can't lift it.
Like if you if you put pressure on the top, I can't lift it up.
So you'd probably absolutely win.
Maureen beats me on the thumb more.
That's the culture, that's who you're doing.
Bats of diamond lockdown. Hey, what you would do at the
weekend? Thumb more competition?
Yeah, me. Practise all week.
Matthew Merlin says, has lockdown kick started a Patreon
revolution? Where do you see it heading?
We're talking about that a bit. But yeah, if if you could, I
guess to make a better question out of the one Matthew asked,
because frankly it wasn't a great question, would how much I
just have an ongoing feud with and I.
Fucking talk down to my listers. Well, Matthew Merlin who has a
terrible haircut, but if you could do 1 project with say
somebody was like here's X amount of money, enough for you
to get cameramen, all that kind of thing.
Maybe not the project you were talking about, just some
different like would you like to do like short film?
Would you do like a ridiculous music video, like a full DJ
Khaled type type music video? What's what's 1 project you'd
like to do? It's it's kind of like, I don't
know, do you know what I would probably do?
Like a travel show, but like, you know, something like trying
to make it funny. I don't know whether it would be
like comedians on tour or whatever, but like.
I would I probably. Wouldn't go down the sketch show
thing or like trying to make a movie or whatever.
I would. I would do like a travel show
and just go do a bunch of weird shit so.
I had but. But I would probably take take
like a bunch of people. Yeah, I had a an idea, man.
But we were talking about of it's probably been done in some
way, but you go on Skyscanner, you say you're going from
Belfast or Dublin and that morning that you're going to go
or the night before you go on Skyscanner.
You know the way you can philtre like Belfast anywhere and
anywhere in the world. You pack like the cheapest
flights that are outside say the UK and Ireland and go for the
day. Where's the cheapest day trip we
can go on tomorrow? And you get like already morning
flight, last flight home. And I think the challenge was.
How far? How far could you go look?
Oh. Like some of them were like
Eastern Europe, some were, you know, it's the usual sort of
ones like France being Portugal, but sometimes they were not the
touristy type places, you know, like an airport out in the
middle of nowhere. So that like was the sort of
loose theme was you have like £50 each and what are you going
to do for the day? So you could go do touristy
things. You could get something to eat,
I don't know, we just, we just thought it would be fun, quick
to shoot and also it's not going to cost you much because your
flights might be £15. Just you.
And him getting the fucking Nandos and every Easter black
shithole you can find here we are in fucking the Ukraine
getting the Nandos. Do you have any vegan parties
getting a? Chernobyl.
Perry. Perry.
It's Perry. Perry fucking 2 headed cap.
I've been unlocked up. Not much.
I would eat it, Donny says. Yeah, this is this is weird, he
says. Have you seen the weird itchy
feed account that's been around your tweets?
Have you seen this as well? Yeah, you've been following a
few scratches yourself. So.
I think accounts like that like it wouldn't even call it really
troll accounts, but. Think of the actual real life
admin that goes into that because that's a person like
setting up the like getting the e-mail, confirming their account
and then going, I'm just going to like really reply to all
these guys and sort of see what happens.
Like there, there's something like biz, something very bizarre
about it, you know, just always like wanting a response comment
and everything. And then obviously you're going
to block it because it's, it's like it's, it's weird.
You're not going to agree with it, but then what happens when
that when you block a person, do they just go, Oh well, it's
good, you know what a good run it's.
I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with people.
Like they're not Like obviously that probably is.
Some. Sort of sexual kink type thing.
I was talking about this recently on a podcast.
It's like there'll be people into that, like probably.
Oh yeah, tell me but. It's like fucking, I'm so sick
of the fucking Internet, like just shit like that.
Do you know what I mean? Getting fucking anonymous abuse
out of nowhere. It's got to start going to
people's houses and fucking kneecapping them.
But it is that it is that thing of like you have to think of the
people that like no one's first of all, no one's happy, No happy
person is logging on to do that. And 2nd, there's no, there's no
sexy people and you never turn onto a real sexy person and be
like, what are you doing? They're like, and just, I'm
saying Colin was late with the podcast, so I'm just, I'm just
commenting. Where's Thomas on his last name
on Instagram? You know, no knockouts are doing
that. No.
Totally no fucking right. It's it's just like, oh fuck.
Have a new bit of material on conspiracy theorists like that,
saying like I have a conspiracy that no conspiracy theorists are
good looking. Like show me a good looking
conspiracy theorists. It's very true.
Lucky Chris Henning says. I mean, this is one people would
probably want to know the answer to.
Who'd win in a fight between you 2?
I mean, let's be sensible here. Me.
What? What age is that guy, 12?
I mean, I think a fight, but the only thing I could really hope
for would be to spend enough time using an earthquake
techniques. Yeah, like, just enough.
Like just just moving around quickly enough to the point
where you might forget about the fight and then at that point I
could try something. But yeah, I just have to make it
last. Like if I if I could get.
If we were going to. Fight then like a fight and it
was 5 rounds. I think I could maybe move
around enough to get the 2nd and then it would be curtains it.
Depends what sort of fight like you know, if you if you trained
enough in boxing and we boxed and like you were real way
quicker and your movement was better.
Yeah, yeah, your brain neck. No, but I know.
But like if you got, if you got good at Axel boxing, not not
just punching and like moving and I couldn't get at you, I
might just get really tired and just pick me apart.
Do you know why that wouldn't happen?
Because. You ever see white collar boxing
like videos of it? There's fellas who like play a
lot of sport who are naturally fit then maybe in good shape and
they're obviously doing well in the training.
Like I'd say that they're working out with a boxing coach,
hitting the bag really well, Rd runs, all that kind of thing.
As soon as that bell goes and there's like 80 year mates going
Cactus fucking prime. They put up.
Like, you know, they look like fucking Mayweather on the speed
bag and then and then they just turn up and it's like Ding,
Ding. And there's fucking like head,
head back like that. Well, in those videos, is there
always a woman and you can't tell whether it's just 20 or 80
and she go fucking kill him, kill him, get a get a name for
it. I.
I remember years ago watching there was a, there was a
documentary about Wayne McCulloch on, I don't know what
it was following his journey in America or whatever.
And right away his wife or his girlfriend or something at the
time. And it showed you, you know,
it's just like a regular documentary, like highlights or
like behind the scenes of every fight.
And they were ringside and all you could hear was come on.
Wayne. Come.
On Wayne and my dad turned it off.
He's like. I can't fucking listen to her.
Every. Fight.
Come on, Wayne. I remember.
Going to watching Northern Ireland under 21 football match
and the one of the players got like injured or he was done and
he'd been wrecked by another player and his partner or wife
whatever was sitting in a big fur coat.
By the way, this was at the Oval, right?
But sitting there for. Fur coat, big, proper.
Earrings because he was he was playing over in England at times
so maybe making a few quid. But this is like early naughties
and he got wrecked by this guy. And the, the the wife or partner
just shouted to her partner, get up off your fat horse.
You a bastard. And I have never enjoyed
anything more in my life. He'd been wrecked.
Like he hadn't dived or anything.
Yeah, it's just very, very enjoyable.
I remember. I'd probably told this before
someone's made of mine. When I was younger, Dad took us
to see a preseason and it was Linfield, Liverpool.
And it was. This is how long ago this was.
It was Michael Owens first game for Liverpool and.
So like what, 961997 maybe? Yeah, night say 96 it was a.
Young, young lad. Look.
And I just remember the fucking racial abuse going on in the
stands. I was like, Oh my God.
Like. Literally.
I can't remember, it was obviously some black black dude
playing for Liverpool and they were like fuck.
Chuck. Him on the Bony and I was here.
That's a cut. Jesus Christ, Michael Owen just
running rings around everybody. See, I think.
You'd I think you'd like to go to Irish league games because an
amateur league games or, or whatever level I play at, I
think you would enjoy an hour and a half there every Saturday
because it's just some of the things you hear.
See whenever you have two, two benches going at each other,
like the level I play at, there's no spectators really.
Like so you can hear everything what you wouldn't normally hear
at a match. Yeah.
So like, there's always someone's dad, they said.
Like shooting. With the assistant coach on the
other side and the phrase you fucking clown gets used like I
love that phrase. It gets used so much like it's,
but you can just tell these boys are bottling it in all week and
then Saturday comes and it's a chance to just give it to
people. Well.
There's certain, there's certain like phrases that I think are
only used in like shit football matches and Northern Ireland.
Let them know you're there. He'll get well.
We. We, you and I joke about this
all the time, but when someone goes, when you have the ball and
you're having a bad game and an opposition member of the bench
goes, he'll give you. He doesn't want that.
Yeah. No matter what, it always gets
in your head and you go fucking don't want that.
Like boys, always bottle it whenever that happens.
I I. I sort of stopped playing
football when I was maybe like fucking 13 or something because
I was playing rugby pretty much. But like some.
Of the shit that would get said at these leagues on a Saturday.
He's got a touch of a rapist like.
A 48 year old shouting at a 14 year old, you know what I mean?
He's fucking. He's keep back down that tackle
fucking queer I. Remember playing this match and
that the fucking what was it? The coach came on, someone had
fucked up. I don't want to get like give
away a pal there something stupid and they were going to
bring him off and he was like, I'm not.
Fucking going off of it and the other guy.
The other teammate pushed him and he the guy took his boot off
and hit him on the fucking head with a boot.
And the two coaches like literally like dragging him off
like he was getting kicked out of a nightclub.
And you're like, they just see it always seemed like when you
played those like Belfast teams, you're like, Jesus Christ.
Also like if someone took the boot off now and hit you with
it, it would be fine because it's like soft plastic studs now
but back in the day metal metal, metal mouldies made metal studs.
Split your head open like yeah or like.
Boys would like, This is why they're banned in rugby.
But you'd have like the blades, you know, the weak things.
Yeah. And on the, on the walk to the
pitch, they would fucking scuff on the tarmac or whatever.
Yeah. And they would, they would be so
sharp. That's why like they check them
in rugby because you have to have those big fucking, you
know, long metal round studs. Do you like, could you ever see
yourself playing? Do you think you'll ever play 5A
set again in your life? After my illustrious career,
yeah, why not? Why would I not play 5A set?
I don't know. Like I can't.
Once again, this goes. Back to the climbing the
mountain thing, who the fuck am I playing for?
I couldn't get 5 people together.
I just. Like, because you, you like, you
play football for like local clubs you're playing in like
junior tournaments and all that. And I can't work out in my head
how you can't not know, just still want to be playing
football. I just like, it's weird.
It's weird to me that I even though I say that, it's weird to
me that at this age I still play on a Saturday because yeah, when
you think about it, it's like we're we're all trying like
people to play football and stuff.
You you think it's like the Premier League getting stripped
out, team talk, let's go lads and all.
But really when you watch what we're doing, it's like it's like
playing dress up, you know what I mean?
Like it really is like. It's like theatre.
You're just like, yeah, boys like, you know, have a certain
way of taping their fucking socks and boots and shin pads
and all. You're like the what?
Barely run. For the next fucking 45 minutes.
But I don't know like I. I don't know.
I. Liked.
I don't know. I you see.
I like things. When they're actually really
competitive. Does that make?
Sense it's all it's almost like the competition or.
The the. Seriousness of like training, I
like more. I, I was never in the just
playing football for the crack. Same with rugby.
Like I loved when you were training five times a week, you
know, and going out there like you're trying to fucking smash
people. And it was deadly serious.
And then when I went to uni it was like, oh, can we, can we get
15 guys together to play some fucking shitty match?
I hated that. I hated the drop in like
seriousness. Yeah, but.
I think the there's still like a competitive thing across the
board with everything look. 5A side's great because it's that
sort of blend of like sometimes it does get competitive but
you're just playing with your mates and you can like mess
about. Can I, can I tell you something?
I, I, I on my last podcast, I don't know if you listened to
it, probably not, but not yet. I was talking about being.
At a. Tournament like a 7A side
tournament when I was younger and I've I was telling Maureen
this story the other day and I told her the story and then I
went night and she didn't react to it and I was like if I told
this to she and Tolly piss himself, it was like a it was
like by the way, I was probably built more or less like this
when I was playing football, but at the seven side tournament and
literally I think we might have played like six games and I got.
I'm a wee. Plaque for a top goal scorer
because it was like 28 goals in about 6 matches and Gabriel
Battistudit just fucking rattling them in from all over
the place and that I won player of the tournament and it was
legit like they say your name and I was like, I don't I never
win anything but I've got this fucking and some.
I said there was always like scouts there, right?
And but do you ever? Do you ever?
Experience that when you were younger people.
Like there's a scout there but if they didn't say Man United
you're like sure who the fuck would play for?
Who the fuck? 'S playing for.
QPR suck my Dick. But that word got.
Back to me, right? Someone goes.
Someone goes oh, partly. Your.
Guy's probably a paedophile. They're like.
Like. Guy.
Over there, you know. Said he had his eye on you, you
know, very powerful, you know, fucking forward.
Scored. Loads of goals and everything.
And I went, Oh yeah. And he goes, yeah, he said that
you reminded him of a young John Hartson, which I'm pretty sure
did he play for Celtic at the time.
Played for Celtic. West Ham Yeah, that was the.
You know when you're when you're in a fucking plan for a team
that's out of at a football pitch beside like Rathcool
Estate and someone goes, you play like a young John Hartson,
all your mates, they're like. Loser ginger fat.
Bastard. I got, I got done with that
once. I remember being in the game and
there's really important match and they said there were scouts
here and I was buzzing for it and at the end of game they said
you want to go mate. Then I went over.
It was just two kids, 10 knots. Like actual.
Scouts, What's happening, Shane? Yeah, I know.
The best goal I ever scored was for I was in the scouts up until
the last last year and no I whenever I was about 11.
I also played for the scouts team and I scored a goal, a semi
final of a tournament and we've gone into extra time down at the
Danny Blanche floor Stadium. And Paul bounced up and a half
volleyed law of the keeper from about 30 yards.
Although back in the day when you were so small, it felt like
30 yards was probably 8. And my, my dad have been in the
box, like, video recording some of the game.
And when I scored the goal, I turned around to make sure he
had it on camera. Bury me.
And he had been like, either changing the battery on the
camera or doing something. Not only had he not recorded,
but he'd also missed it, which was pretty sweet.
But yeah, like, football mean, like, great moments in football
mean probably more to me than stand up.
Like, whenever I scored that goal in that charity game at
Seaview and put it up 98 times, that moment is better than,
like, doing a good gig. Like for sure.
Oh yeah, it's you always want to be like, good at the thing that
you're like, you're not. Supposed to be good at.
It's not your. Main thing like, yeah, yeah,
yeah. I remember once the best goal
ever scored. So a keeper.
It was down like the pitches on the Shore Rd, like beside the
church, that big fucking giant church.
And the keeper, the keeper, the keeper just fucking got the
ball, kicked it out of his hands and it came the whole way up the
halfway line and I just caught it on the volley and sent it
right back over his head into the net.
But I think there was only matches where like, I think you
were winning like fucking 7 nil or something.
So yeah, it was, it wasn't even that.
Everyone was just like, Oh well, there's another fucking goal
when I was playing. For the scout team, we were
playing a team of other scouts, but they had a mixed team,
right? So they had boys and girls.
Already must have. Been like 6 nil up within a
couple of minutes and I was really like going for I was
wearing yellow Puma king boots. It was maybe like 10 and I'd
scored like a good few against the team already and I was
thinking I can maybe score 20 or 30 in this game.
He brought he brought me off after about 15 minutes because
he's like no, this other team, they haven't played many games
and it's a mixed team. I started crying.
Maybe. Were you like the rigger?
Where? They're like, yeah, it's mixed
teams as we go on the yellow boots as he's our, he's our wee
girls. Like a wee scrunchy in your hair
just for no reason. Kind of scrunchy in my hair now.
I ordered a hair band of Amazon, like, you know, one with the wee
teeth. And then when I put it on I went
back off back. Oh.
Really only once you had it on Do you think that was a bad cop?
Before, before I let you go, let me ask you this.
If you got to do stand up again, like say they said, like
lockdowns lifted, get to do stand up again anywhere you want
and you get to do one. Say this Saturday night you get
to do a gig, where would you do it?
I would do it laveries I would have I would have like just all
the boys on and I would just oversell it and ram it to the
deck and just fucking. Well, you say all the boys on,
but if people are listening being like why you're not having
women on? I could come in the yellow boots
and put put the hair band in and we could we could get around
that. Give it up for Shane.
And a scrunchie. There he is.
Yeah. I mean, yeah, I'd be.
That could be a character piece, but man, I gotta go because
listen, I've got a podcast coming up here with which I had
Michael Murray. Here how many times the Dornan
say grubber kick in that podcast?
What's great is I don't know what that is, but I was like, Oh
yeah, I was like. I was like, he's pushing for you
to go. Do you have a ball there, Jamie?
And you could fuck it. Show us one of these grubber
kicks. Everything.
Just came back that I just in the garden hitting grubber kicks
man. I mean, definitely a lot of a
lot of our comedy friends look like they could have the
nickname Grubber. Like Mickey could definitely be
Grubber for sure. Mickey on the first night back
at Laveries will be like, you know, you're over emotional Ma
at a fucking wedding you, but you'll have to like put his coat
on and put him in a taxi and be like, oh, you're going to be
like, I just cancel. It as soon as he arrives.
He'll go, boys, I'm not. Drinking tonight as soon as he
arrives. And he's got it.
You're like, it's not a bag of flour.
And he's like, that's cocaine. That's.
I'll be drink. I'll be doing all coke tonight
basically. Enjoyable.
Bring it back, Bring it back. Take me back to yeah, Even those
terrible gigs we talked about. Do any of them now?
Oh, fuck. Anyway, my man, I appreciate,
appreciate your time. Cheers for cheers for doing the
pod. No worries.
Going to go out the back and had a few grubber kicks against the
wall. I'm going to find those yellow
boots. Are you are you proper ending
this now you're doing the fake ending I'm.
Really going to end it because I need to piss so bad.
Do it, man. Do it see you in a?
Bit cheers in a bit. Take her easy.
Are you? Recording now, Shane.
That's us recording. Yes, we are live.
We're not live.